The Edge Magazine March 2015

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EDGE

the ISSUE NO: 221

www.theedgemag.co.uk

‘THE CHELMSFORD FANZINE’

Telephone 01245 348256

Mobile: 077 646 797 44

MARCH 2015

shaun@theedgemag.co.uk

The Edge 221_The Edge 172.qxd 26/02/2015 08:58 Page 2

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The Edge 221_The Edge 172.qxd 26/02/2015 09:00 Page 3

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The Edge 221_The Edge 172.qxd 26/02/2015 09:22 Page 4

The Edge Editor’s Column PAIN IN THE ASS For some reason this months mag has proved to be a proper pain in the ass to put together, but that’s probably due to the fact that I was absent in India for a couple of weeks and my head’s generally all over the place (it gets turned, you see) after I’ve had a fortnights break, as the most I normally can ever take off is a week.

However, Edge columnist (and I am still reluctant to call him a ‘former Edge columnist’ at this early stage) Kingpin has already been away on his World Tour for a whole month now, so you can follow his progress if you log onto ‘Great Big Adventure’ on Facecock, as that is what you call a proper holiday, is that, with 18 months in the planning and no end-date in sight.

I can only take the hat that I’m not even wearing off to Kingpin, because it’s not as though he’s even all that well-travelled, so to jump in at the deep-end and drive around the world is total credit to him. That’s really living your life, is that.

Respect.

Page 4

WIFE WORLD

£1,000,000

I had to take the wife’s Mini to get a quote for the passenger door to be resprayed the other day - as some mindless, ignorant basket who I would happily give 10 lashes to had keyed it - and it was like ‘Welcome To Wife World’. For a start, I always feel a bit gay in a Mini, unless it’s an all black John Cooper Works affair with tinted glass. Then there’s this miniature (as an actual sized one might have hit her in the head) white plimsole dangling from her rear-view mirror that I’d never even seen before (where did she get the money for that?). So I started it (note: not her) up and the radio automatically came on, only not on the TalkSPORT channel (what’s that all about?).

Heart it was, and it was like being caught up in some sick 1970s timewarp, both in the programme presenter’s delivery (which is rank), the adverts (aren’t radio adverts just the worst ever?

Why the feck do you need ‘a jingle’ to sell bedroom furniture?) and the songs. “I’m Every (frickin’) Woman” by Chak-a-flaming-Khan springs readily to mind. Honestly, my missus only has to drive about 5 miles to work three days a week, yet I would go fecking BONKERS if I had to poke up with listening to that load of old bollocks during rush-hour six times every week.

Did you see James May driving that million-pound Ferrari on Top Gear recently?

Jesus wept, a million-knicker....for a red car.

FIFTY SHADES OF GRAN Looking forward to seeing the movie ‘Fifty Shades of Gran’ starring Mrs Mills and Noddy Holder (whilst all The Edge’s under-25 readers go: ‘Mrs who?’ And ‘Who’s Noddy Holder?’).

BROWN BAUBLES The tightly-knotted bags of dog eggs with which thoughtful pet owners decorate trees in the countryside whist out walking their shit machines.

(From Roger’s Profanisaurus, FREE with issue 242 of Viz...so now The Edge is even catching Viz up on the numbers published front!)

ANNOUNCEMENTS Why are the tannoy systems used at both underground and overground railway stations as well as airports all pretty much unintelligible?

They are used to relay important information to travellers, yet you can hardly ever make out a damn word of whatever’s being said.

FOOD GLORIOUS FOOD Great CAMRA Winter Beer Festival up at KEGS recently, so here’s just a little pat on the back for Tim and his crew in the kitchen who truly excelled themselves this year. There was so much choice, cooked to a high standard, that even if you’re completely tee-total, you could have gone along simply to savour the grub.

SUDBURY TOWN How comes there’s a Sudbury Town on the Piccadilly Line?

WORLDWIDE EDGE So you’ve got me in India this month to contend with, Billy Hinkleberry in Mexico, and that pintsized rover Kingpin....well, the last I heard from The Kingmeister before this mag went to print was that he’d just arrived in Morroco!

Please God ‘LIKE’ The Edge. Go on... facebook.com/theedgemagazine twitter.com/TheEdgeMag DO IT NOW! For Christ’s sake, LIKE The Edge, cos no bugger else does.

facecock THE EDGE Chelmsford CM2 6XD 077 646 7 97 44 shaun@theedgemag.co.uk

The Edge 01245 348256

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Welcome to India, home of the Royal Enfield We flew from Goa to Kerala, which is a separate state in India, yet one which is still on the Malabar coast, where it is difficult, but not impossible, to get alcohol. It was a proper pain-in-the-arse getting there too as we pretty much wasted two whole days travelling as we couldn’t get any direct flights, so we were forced to change ’planes at Bangalore.

Did you happen to see the ‘Our Guy In India’ thing (C4) with Guy Martin/Wolverine? We actually wanted to catch the train from Goa to Kochi/Cochin, but having seen some of the conditions on-board on Guy’s trip, I’m honestly glad we didn’t (having said that, tickets for a first-class A/C compartment tend to get booked up months in advance).

This photograph (above) was taken out the back of our guides 2.5litre Toyota Landcruiser jobbie, shortly after me and ‘The Butcher’ had picked up our Royal Enfield Bullets from some back street workshop in Kochi. Bernard’s actually broke down after about half-an-hour, so they had to come out and replace it with a Royal Enfield Thunderbird, which I actually commandeered and soon fell in love with, as it’s a little bit more of a chopper style, so I just might have to get one instead of me limp-wristed scooter!

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“WHOOPS!” I captured this shot on the day I left my manbag in a lay-by containing about £75 in rupees, a cracking pair of aviator ski-bloc specs (that I was waiting to wear on my Enfield, once I’d got my bike legs on), plus three different types of sun cream (and they’re not cheap, are they?). So all of that little lot mysteriously went missing and I was totally gutted (not to mention the manbag itself).

But when something’s gone, it’s gone, isn’t it? There’s not a damn thing you can do about it, so there’s no point in crying over spilt milk/Honey Bee (the lovely local brandy over there).

Stupid thing is that I’d said to Mrs Edge before the holiday, “Look, I’m forever asking you where’s this and where’s that whenever we’re away, so I’m going to carry some gear of my own so that I don’t have to keep pestering you.” And on the second day out on the bikes, what do I do? I go and put my bag of goodies down somewhere during a much needed pee-stop and forget to pick the === :=/::+8 )53 =55*2+?96/@@' damn thing back up again, so I only hope it got nabbed by someone who was truly grateful of the spoils.

A However, seeing this scene on the very same day kind of put things into perspective, for who knows whether the driver escaped with his life, or not?

Some of the roads around Munnar (and I am eternally grateful to Fazila of Live Dosa opposite Chelmsford Bus Station, for if she hadn’t told me that it was her “favourite place on earth” then we’d never have even visited it) are proper windy and you certainly have to have your wits about you. I did as I was concentrating like hell on my Thunderbird, I can tell you. It was OK for ‘The Butcher’ as he owns his very own 600cc motorbike and has ridden them since his teens. But I passed my motorcycle test (first time, I might add) some 20 years ago, on a 125cc Trials Bike, and that’s the biggest engined motorcycle I’d ever ridden up until this trip - and I honestly hadn’t ridden a motorbike of any description for the past two frickin’ decades - yet here I was, straddling an iconic Royal Enfield, which is probably why some of my gearchanges had all the grace of stirring a cement-mixer full of cricket balls with a mallet.

Munnar is situated in the Western Ghats range of mountains and the tea plantations and scenery around there are some of the best I’ve ever seen. We stayed at the Silvertips hotel for a couple of nights, which was interesting as it used to be an old picture house. It’s also ranked as the third best hotel in Munnar on Trip Advisor, so you honestly won’t go wrong there.

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OMG readers, the road to Thekkady from Munnar is simply divine. Awesome. Like a dream. And when you get it right on a bike, there is just no comparison to the feeling you get on a scooter, as bikes are simply streets ahead, and even Mrs Edge agrees with me now.

I remember sitting on the toilet at Silvertips one morning after breakfast (which is a common enough occurrence after every little thing you eat in India) and I could hear our guides start up our :. warm '8).before our rides as it really Enfield’s (they used to like to start them up for us and8/*'? get them was pretty chilly in Munnar in both the mornings and the evenings at an altitude of 1,500 metres) and once I heard them put-put-putting, like Enfield’s do, I couldn’t wipe my arse quick enough.

Back to C4’s ‘Our Guy in India’ though (see previous page), Guy actually starts his trip buying a second-hand one-year-old 500cc Royal Enfield Bullet for just £1,400 which looks to be in mint condition. But I’ll bet I can’t get one from Haywards in Cambridge for that sort of dough. (In fact, I’ve just rang them and I definitely can’t as they have no second-hand Enfield’s in stock at all, whilst a brand new Bullet is around the £4,000 mark).

Maybe I can import one? Although I doubt one that made as much noise as my Thunderbird which used to bring me out in goosebumps would be allowed on the streets of Chelmo!

shaun@theedgemag.co.uk

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CITIZEN

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An Beatles0:fan $/,inveterate :*(9 :,(:65 for whom the ‘Fab Four’ <765 <: 65*, (.(05 could do no (3;/6<./ @6<wrong, *6<3+ ), Citizen -69.0=,5has, -69 56; /(=05. nevertheless, 56;0*,+ $/,9,always +6,: 56; been puzzled why Paul (; -09:; .3(5*, 69 ,=,5 McCartney, wrote: “When :,*65+ .3(5*, *64, ;6 I’m 64” and not 65, which ;/(; :,,4 ;6 ), :6 was the default retirement 4(5@ -034:in(96<5+ age for.9,(; me back 1967 ;/0: @,(9 E 05*635F when the Sgt6 Pepper 6 E 9.6F 6 E (7;(05 album came out.

WůĞĂƐĞ ďƌŝŶŐ ƚŚŝƐ ǀŽƵĐŚĞƌ ǁŝƚŚ LJŽƵ ƚŽ ƌĞĐĞƉƟŽŶ WůĞĂƐĞ ďƌŝŶŐ ƚŚŝƐ ǀŽƵĐŚĞƌ ǁŝƚŚ LJŽƵ ƚŽ ƌĞĐĞƉƟŽŶ

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ways too, such as health and wellbeing, politics, culture, sport, social0; 4(@ engagement, finance,;6travel and/or $/0: @,(9 >,33 ), +0--0*<3; 9,7,(; ;/(;family.

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You may need65,: to be (5+ 65 this month, but you 0; 0;0A,5 >6<3+ 36=, not ;6 :,, ",+4(@5, 4(2, would have to be at least in your mid-fifties to remember ( .36906<: E+6<)3,F )<; ;/, 6++: (9, :;(*2,+ (.(05:; 0; England winning the World Cup back in 1966. And for 5 1605; 763, 76:0;065 (; ;/, ;04, 6- >90;05. -69 ,:; Citizen there was the added bonus of being around when "0*/(9+ won 0523(;,9 E 6@/66+F the09,*;69 teams(9, it supports major-69 trophies for the(5+ very first 3,1(5+96 65AB3,A #7(50:/ time, with Ipswich TownCB990;< crowned League7965<5*0(;065 Champions in 0/ 5@(9 ,, E 09+4(5F -(*; winning 0; ),05.the 633@>66+ 1962, FA;66 Cup -69 winners in 19785 and UEFA Cup @6< >6<3+5 ; 9<3,whilst 6<; (around E 09+4(5F >/0;,>(:/ :>,,705. three years later, the same time Essex County (33 -6<9 Club 4(169won (>(9+: ),-69, ;/,4 (5+ 76::0)3@ (++05.

Cricket the first of their 6 County Championships ;/,1979. ,:;Comparatively #<7769;05. *;69 (5+West *;9,:: >(9+: in locally, Ham also did-69 well in +>(9+ 69;65 (5+Orient 44(even #;65, -69 it.66+ this era, and Leyton made to the4,(:<9, top division /6>,=,9 for0;0A,5 one season only.>6<3+ 4<*/ 79,-,9 ;6 :,, ,09(

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The social,;0;3, cultural is 9,(3 prob.0=, overall 0; 0;: *699,*; -69 and E$/,economic 40;(;065 landscape (4,F )<; ably unrecognisable from that of:6the4(5@ 1950’s.

As 7,9-694(5* L.P. Hartley 0:;0*(33@ +,:70;, */(4706505. .9,(; puts the opening words of ‘The his 1953 ,: )@it in90;0:/ 9;0:;: ;/0: @,(9 0; 0: Go-Between’, 796)()3@ <5302,3@ ;/(5 novel (later filmed): "The past is a different country: they do (5@65, (; ;/, (*;<(3 *,9,465@ 65 #<5+(@ ,)9<(9@ things 5+ differently 0: .605. ;6there." ,4<3(;, 6305 &,33(5+ : -(46<: :*(9

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The Edge 221_The Edge 172.qxd 26/02/2015 10:56 Page 10

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THE HAIRY MONSTER ITALIAN ROAD-TRIP Me and three mates were on a four-day road-trip to Italy recently when it became clear on day one that things were not going to run smoothly.

Unfortunately, Mark had consumed several beers prior to setting off from Chelmsford and the resulting 'comfort breaks', together with a long delay on the M2, left us with just minutes to spare as we arrived at the port of Dover.

Passing through border controls is usually completely hassle-free, but when Mark leaned out of the back window and demanded a strip search we understood why his wife had been so keen to get rid of him for the better part of a week. Luckily the official completely ignored his request and we boarded the ferry with Mark making straight for the nearest bar. Thankfully we reached Dunkirk without further incident and carried on to Germany with Mark snoring loudly on the back seat, oblivious to the glorious scenery as we drove through Belgium (that's a joke, by the way).

We spent the night at a really strange gothic hotel set in a forest in south west Germany.

Arriving at 10:00pm we were surprised that the hotel was in total darkness, despite the carpark being almost full. The manager was not best pleased that we had arrived “so late” and grudgingly allowed us in, insisting that we either pay upfront or leave our passports at reception. After a long day, we settled into our rather uncomfortable beds and soon nodded off. But the next thing we knew, Mark was shouting at us to get up as it was 12-noon and we'd all overslept, before laughing and saying, “Oh, sorry lads, I was looking at my compass. This room faces north, you know.” Very funny.

We all promptly went back to sleep,although not for long. It is quite terrifying to be woken from a deep slumber at the crack of dawn by gunshots and we all leapt out of bed to see hordes of Germans in what appeared to be combat clothing disappearing into a nearby forest. Mark was convinced they were heading towards Poland for a second try, but it seems we had inadvertently booked ourselves into a hunting lodge which accounted for the early lights-out the night before.

And that was only ‘day one’ ....... to be continued

THE VATICAN The Vatican has carried out a survey of their priests and admitted that 2% are paedophiles. It'll be interesting to discover the final total when the other 98% respond.

ADDICTED TO COFFEE I didn't believe my friend Lynn when she told me she thought I was addicted to coffee. After all, one has to keep hydrated and the best way is surely a regular intake of liquid caffeine. In order to prove her wrong, I agreed to lay off it for a week, but I didn't last a day, I’m afraid. Having missed out on my two cups of breakfast Nescafe, my drive to Rayleigh was ragged, and by mid-morning I could hardly concentrate. Then when it got to midday I was visibly shaking. I had managed to last just 16 hours when the oasis that is Starbucks in High Chelmer dragged me to its bosom. Lynn was triumphant, I was defeated. Now it's my turn - I reckon she’s addicted to chocolate.

MOST POPULAR NAME While we were in Germany we discovered that the most popular Christian name is Morgan.

TALKING BAD Having watched what I thought to be all the episodes of Breaking Bad, I was intrigued to see a follow-up series called Talking Bad. Sadly, this was eight episodes of people talking bollocks about the original series, as if we were all too moronic to follow the plot.

Having said that, it was an American follow-up.

PLEASE DRIVE CAREFULLY On the way to Yorkshire there is a place called 'Spital in the Street'. A sign says: 'Please Drive Carefully'. Well, you would, wouldn't you?

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The Edge 221_The Edge 172.qxd 26/02/2015 11:00 Page 11

Polignano Deli Further evidence, if any were needed, that Chelmsford is heading in the right direction is the fact that we now (seemingly) have a delicatessen on every street corner-ish, just like they do in Italy.

Marino (above left, along with Andrea and Felice) has recently opened Polignano (a bit of a mouthful and The Edge unfortunately forgot to ask him what it means) on the corner of Baddow Road and Can Bridge Way, which is a deli in the tradition of the one his mamma and pappa used to run back in his hometown of Puggia, which is the region in the heel of the boot-shape of Italy as you look at it on a map.

The Edge asked Marino how he came to open up a deli in Chelmsford, of all places, and he quipped, “Well, I was working in London, only then I met an Essex Girl, my head was turned, and the rest, as they say, is history.”

At Polignano they make their very own focaccia, which is a cross between bread and pizza, despite sounding a bit like a sexual act.

“It’s just like my mamma used to make-a,” says Marino, milking it.

What’s more, readers, there’s a sit-down cafe upstairs.

1 Can Bridge Way, Chelmsford.

www.theedgemag.co.uk

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The Edge 221_The Edge 172.qxd 26/02/2015 11:33 Page 12

the all new a canteen Isn’t it wonderful when you get a perfect fit?

And the all new a canteen fits Chelmsford and its fast growing, modern day aspirations perfectly.

It’s as if it’s immediately become the hub of the entire city and is a beacon of what Chelmsford is fast turning into and how we want our city in future to be perceived. It’s also somewhere we can rely upon and dip in and out of as and when we choose, now including Tuesday to Sunday evenings for dinner and/or just drinks and good company amongst fellow souls of a similar ilk.

Emma and her mum (isn’t it nice to be able to say that and for a canteen to be so very personal) have done an amazing job, and what’s more they will keep on working hard at it, because that’s simply the way they are as people, and we should be very grateful for that indeed.

We called in the other Saturday morning for a simple egg & bacon sandwich and a couple of soya lattes and the environment was just perfect - a pure joy - as is the decor, staff and service.

Sure, we used to like the old a canteen - but the new venue is simply in a different league; there’s simply so much more s-p-a-c-e!

Pop in for lunch and the choice is as diverse as a grilled artichoke salad, hot chicken falafel wrap, beer battered fish, cumberland sausage’n’mash, ham egg & chips, beef, lamb or lentil & black olive burgers, pizza....you just can’t go wrong.

And hey, we are now talking about dinner at a canteen too these days, served from 6:00pm Tuesdays to Sundays, including calamari, moroccan scented lamb, steak, grilled ‘catch of the day’, plus plenty of vegetarian options and, oh yes, alcohol (which can actually be served at any time of the day) including cocktails.

The Edge thinks a canteen being open into the nighttime is going to appeal to an awful lot of folk who want to go out and meet up with friends for a bit of a social and a chin-wag, but don’t really like the idea of meeting up in bars (too loud) or restaurants (too expensive, plus they want their table back). Whereas these days the all new a canteen is genuinely an alternative venue the likes of which we have not seen in Chelmsford before. It’s honestly a place where the daytime authentically stretches into the nighttime without anyone so much as pressing the ‘obvious’ button.

And the decor and ambiance is just so, so....so London (Chelmsford’s finally getting there) and is such a huge triumph.

Hand on heart, The Edge cannot fault it, and that is an incredibly rare admission for this mag to make indeed.

What’s more, it’s right by the river (and won’t that be nice during the summer months) with its entrance being directly opposite the side entrance of M&S, by chance some of you were wondering.

35 New London Road Chelmsford CM2 0N www.acanteen.co.uk f / acanteen t / @acanteen T 205889

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The Edge 221_The Edge 172.qxd 26/02/2015 11:30 Page 13

Queuing up for liquor This wasn’t pleasant, but it had to be done.

Kerala is not a dry state, but the powers-that-be think it ought to be, due to it having India’s highest per capita alcohol consumption rate of more than eight litres per person annually (what’s wrong with that?), so they’re currently making it pretty tricky to get ones daily ration of both Kingfisher lager and rum.

Therefore one of our crew had to queue up for it, didn’t they? And guess who drew the short-straw, along with bodyguard ‘Mr Bob’ in one of his ever-clean, ever-pressed, nice white shirts, stood immediately behind me.

As an aside, I look like a bloody tourist, don’t I? Although I guess that (a) I was, and (b) we’d not long arrived in Thekkady from Munnar after a quite brilliant day in the saddle, so we were all gagging for a bevvie or three - apart from ‘Mr Bob’ who kicked the habit once he met his wife (ahhhhhh).

That night, our guides took us to the Bamboo cafe/restaurant in Thekkady and it was deserted when we arrived, but after about an hour, almost every single table was occupied by ‘whities’ and the right crafty owner served us all beer, only in teapots, and you drank it from a cup and saucer.

How very civilised. And that was truly one of our best days of our entire trip as we all just looked around at each other in the Bamboo with great big (white) smiles plastered all over our faces!

www.theedgemag.co.uk

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The Edge 221_The Edge 172.qxd 26/02/2015 11:55 Page 14

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HOMEMAKERS Your editor had a brew with 4 ladies from DNA fitness incorporated after one of its right sweaty sessions the other morning (and apologies for ponging ‘a canteen’ out as a result of) and as you can see, they were all keen to appear in the mag and warned me: “Don’t you dare mention us by name.” So, in the green fleece we have Faith, orange hoodie Kirstie (or ‘Special’ as she’s also known, due to the fact that she’s not too quick on the uptake), pigtails Liza and ponytail Esther (or Dave, or Tweedle-Dum).

It’s interesting what you find out about ladies in such situations too, such as the fact they’ve got 8 kiddliwinkles between them (two each), coupled with the discovery that they are not housewives, as I had mistakenly thought, but homemakers (ahhh, right).

Liza is a bit of a Mother Hen in so far as she’s the one who tends to organise any socials (none of which I have been invited to) and voluntarily supplies that clean hand liquid stuff to all the other girlies as they don’t like their mitts to smell after we’ve done a boxercise session. Faith’s rather rude and outspoken as she reckons The Edge is “a bit thin” and wonders what the hell else I do with my time. Esther/Dave/Tweedle-Dum is the hardest puncher of the lot of ’em and if she’s ever short of making ends meet at the end of the month, she turns her hand to a bit of casual labouring as a hod-carrier.

And Kirstie...bless, what can you say about our Kirstie? I’m honestly surprised she’s even allowed out on her own and she’s that close to Esther that we call her TweedleDee...or the pair of ’em Maverick & Goose whenever they turn up in their matching aviator sunglasses, the dozy pair of b* tches.

All things considered though, they’re alright. In small doses, of course.

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Residential Sales, Lettings & Property Management Page 14

The Edge 077 646 797 44

The Edge 221_The Edge 172.qxd 26/02/2015 11:40 Page 15

50 shades of sh te

*

The Edge doesn’t want to waste any more space on the subject at hand than it has to....suffice to say that its very own WIFE was up at Braintree, banging on the Freeport cinema doors, wailing to be let in with the rest of the wanton nymph's and mums who’d just dropped their kids off (anywhere) one recent Tuesday morning at 10:00am.

How disgustingly sad is that? The Edge has never watched a movie in a cinema at such an ungodly hour in its life, let alone one containing a thousand sighs.

And her verdict?

“It was good. It was great! (OMG woman) And it was pretty near the book.” (Oh well, it’ll have been a cinemagraphic masterpiece then) “I don’t know who the young girl is who plays the part of Anastasia Steele (Dakota Johnson) but for such a young actress she was amazing. I think Jamie Dornan pulled off (steady, love) the role (phew) of Christian Grey in the end, but for a start there were all these young men in the movie who were a lot dishier than he is, so I was initially having my doubts.”

Meanwhile, your editor is gutted Dornan took the role as The Edge really liked him in ‘The Fall’, along with that temptress Gillian Anderson as Stella (I’m gagging for it) Gibson.

“There’s nothing pornographic about ‘Fifty Shades’ though,” continues the missus, really reveling in the subject matter. “It’s far more of a love story in the ‘Pretty Woman’ mould, just with a bit of extra titillation thrown in for good measure. I could easily have stayed and watched another hour of (such drivel) it.”

“Oh, and I want a ride in a glider for my 50th birthday present now, husband!”

www.theedgemag.co.uk

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The Edge 221_The Edge 172.qxd 26/02/2015 13:17 Page 16

Thank you so much to brothers David & Steve at Chop Bloc for inviting The Edge along to its official launch evening last month (along with the Mayor of Chelmsford, although why the hell he got to cut the ribbon and not The Edge is beyond me) and I would just like to officially say: “OMG. When I eventually reached the bar area (also available to book for high class private parties, folks) on the top floor, I honestly thought I had died and gone to heaven, as I simply wasn’t in Chelmsford any more. Instead, I was in some ultra plush paradise in Mayfair.”

Only please don’t get The Edge wrong, readers, because both the ground and floor number one are not to be sniffed at. As a matter of fact, the whole building is a magnificent triumph. But you know the feeling when the key just slides perfectly into the lock? That’s what it felt like for me, slipping into one of Chop Bloc’s delicious leather bar stools, the likes of which I have not seen anywhere before, and sipping slowly on a delectably cold Sierra Nevada beer (5%), served to perfection in a quite antarctic frosted glass.

And as for the food?

Well, you’ll just have to tune-in next month, won’t you? Unless you’ve already beaten The Edge to it, of course.

8-9 Grays Brewery Yard, Chelmsford, CM2 6QR www.chopbloc.com

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The Edge 077 646 797 44

The Edge 221_The Edge 172.qxd 26/02/2015 12:58 Page 17

Indian Chubster Met this lovely ickle chubster at the Anayirankal Dam - yes, doesn’t that just roll off the tongue - and it looks as though he’s starting out as he means to go on and will not be participating in any sort of a WeightWatchers programme in the near to mid-term future.

It has to be said that the Indian diet is atrocious and most of the women and men have pods on them through all of the dough and sauces they consume.

It’s literally dough for breakfast, dough for lunch, dough for dinner and dough for supper, generally mopping up something that’s presumably brown and buttery on their plates.

www.theedgemag.co.uk

Whilst both Mrs Edge and Mrs Feckwit seemed happy enough to consume curry three times a day, I was the first to crack, having a delicious steak and a jacket potato one night, followed by spaghetti and prawns the next.

I still think Thai food is my favourite and I haven’t visited Koh Chang yet, despite hearing numerous good reports about it, so maybe we’ll venture there in the next couple of years.

Meanwhile, my visit to Goa hasn’t put me off a Saturday night takeaway from the Shajan in Baddow Road, with the added bonus that their dishes never make me sprint to the toilet afterwards.

WOODLEY’S PIZZA Great Waltham Village Hall Car-Park FRIDAY 20TH MARCH 5:00pm - 9:00pm Also available for private parties

www.facebook.com/woodleyspizza www.twitter.com/woodleyspizza info@woodleyspizza.co.uk

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The Edge 221_The Edge 172.qxd 26/02/2015 11:56 Page 18

A SCIENCE PARK, IN CHELMSFORD? If you have driven down Waterhouse Lane lately you cannot have failed to notice the forlorn ‘For Sale’ sign outside the old Britvic Works.

Let’s be honest, there can’t be too many takers that are interested in a near 30 acre site with a 1950s light manufacturing facility on it.

Rumours have surfaced that a housing developer has been sniffing around, but it would require a change of planning and there’s surely already adequate housing currently under construction (or planned) for the future of Chelmsford.

Interestingly, the freeholder is the council, but back in the early 1950s they granted the then British Vitamin Company a 99 year lease with apparently no rent reviews. Ouch! That means they were probably paying just £5 or £6 a year in ‘old money’, as that’s when the lease was signed.

Anyhow, this got me thinking as to what would be the best way to use this site for the benefit of our city, as well as providing jobs for a few people too.

The obvious answer would be to try and develop one of these high-tech science park thingies, possibly in partnership with a/the University?

The University of Essex have been doing something similar in Colchester and there are numerous other great examples around the country - a personal favourite being Surrey’s Science Park in Guildford.

Although to be honest, I was honestly thinking

by ‘Conscious of Chelmsford’

# of something far more radical.

Some of you may remember an article in one of our weekly newspapers where plans for a multi-sport/cinema complex were put forward for the land at the end of the Baddow by-pass at its junction with the A12. So how about resurrecting that idea?

If we are being frank, Chelmsford is not exactly awash with state-of-the-art sporting facilities, the racetrack at Great Leighs aside. Chelmsford City F.C. have to play their games at an athletics track, whist our cricket ground is one of the most decrepit in the country.

Just go to the Rosebowl, Swalec, or Durham Riverside. This is what the competition have been doing whilst Essex has been turning out captains for England and navel gazing. (Sorry, but the Ford County Ground does not pass muster in the modern age).

So the solution would be to build a massive sporting complex on the old Britvic site. It could house a decent football stadium with a, say, 10,000 capacity which would hopefully engender to get the Clarets aspiring to League football as they used to, a first class cricket ground that befits a first class county, plus other ancillary venues which Chelmsford is positively crying out for, such as a decent, modern swimming pool complex, multi-sport halls for gymnastics, tennis, badminton, and where a multitude of other different sports can take place too.

The advantages are being close to the A414 and A12 accesses, whilst a specialist shuttle bus service could be laid on from the railway station/town centre. Such would free up valuable land in the city centre at the old cricket ground and Riverside for the housing and shopping developments that would surely come, whilst the old Britvic site, which is in danger of becoming an eyesore, would be regenerated.

Sporting users could also pay decent rents on the facilities, so even the council could get a better return on their investment.

However, its biggest benefit would be to provide state-of-the-art facilities that would inspire the young people of Chelmsford to turn the city into the sporting powerhouse of the county, as well as providing a number of jobs at this sparkling new facility, which could benefit the whole community.

That would prove to be the outstanding legacy.

So perhaps Britvic’s conscience could be pricked enough to offer some sponsorship?

Has anyone else got a better idea?

Chelmsford has a proud sporting tradition and heritage, but needs facilities which meet its growing size and aspirations.

A better way to divorce?

If you are facing a breakdown of your relationship, the things that you may dread the most are how you can sort out the finances; the house; the children. The thought of arguing and going to court is both frightening and expensive. There is, however, another way.

Collaborative Family Law is a process where you and your spouse have your own solicitor, but instead of being adversarial, you work together to find the right solutions to your problems. You agree that you will not resort to court proceedings and by having a series of meetings you can reach agreement on all of the things that matter to you. These can be things that the court can not help you with because of the way the traditional court system operates.

You set the pace of the process, you set the agenda, and you make the decisions. Your lives are not left in the hands of the courts or the judges.

At a time when the court system is becoming even more pressured due to cut backs, the collaborative process can offer a far quicker resolution.

Many people are finding the collaborative process a better way to divorce and come away feeling satisfied that they have aired their views and reached an agreement that will work. Children have especially benefited from their parents dealing with their divorce in a collaborative way as they see their parents working together rather than arguing about them.

Collaborative Family lawyers are trained to deal with separation in the collaborative way and are experienced family lawyers committed to providing a professional service to their clients. Most collaborative lawyers will offer a free chat about collaborative law to see if it would suit you.

For more information contact Karen Taylor on 01245 349696 email: ktaylor@thblegal.com or visit www.thblegal.com.

Page 18

The Edge 077 646 797 44

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30 Sexy Hairstyles For Fat Women

Vision

Let’s get one this straight - Kirstie Allsopp is not The Edge’s idea of ‘a bit of alright’ and this mag cannot understand blokes who fantasise about her. She is also a bit of a blob and just look at her tacky GCJ (gold coloured jewellery).

However, during a recent episide of the excellent ‘RRR’, she came out with the quite sublime: “I wish I could buy vision and give it to people as a present.”

She clearly has to poke up with so very many punters looking at houses who simply cannot see past what is currently there and Ms Allsopp has every right to lose her rag and become frustrated with them.

www.theedgemag.co.uk

The Edge downloaded the photograph below from a website entitled ‘30 Sexy Hairstyles For Fat Women’ and no, you may not ask what the hell it was doing looking at that.

But can I just gauge the immediate consensus of your opinions, readers, and predict that, surely like your editor, you adjudge that whatever ‘that stripy thing’ is on that fat lasses head (below) it definitely does not make her look sexy?

The fact of the matter is, it’s hard to make a chunky bird look sexy (if that’s the look they’re so desperate to achieve) at the best of times, and a bob, by its very nature, is surely a hairstyle they should least consider as it creates a pudding bowl effect, best carried off by slim chicks.

The fringe is also incredibly severe.

What the hell is so very wrong with showing off a bit of thigh? Sorry, forehead?

For further hairdressing tips, ladies, contact your bald editor in chief at reallygreathair@theedgemag.co.uk

Page 19

The Edge 221_The Edge 172.qxd 26/02/2015 11:57 Page 20

MOTCO

Man on the Clapham Omnibus More important than shorts I am sitting in a big Lazy Boy reclining chair in a private bedroom at the new Baddow Hospital (which is very nice, by the way) waiting for Mrs Mott to return from surgery. We are fortunate enough to have medical insurance from my employer. Now this is an infinitely better way to spend a couple of days at a loved one’s bedside, watching a massive wall mounted TV from said chair. We are here as a result of a misunderstanding. I was supposed to be taking instruction from a book the other-half ordered me to get called ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’, but in fact I had purchased ‘Fifty Squares of Tweed’ instead, which is a countryman’s guide to riding practices and accessories. It was a while before the mistake was realised, but the surgeon said it will be OK in time.

Whilst reclining I get a message from EE asking if there is any chance of an early look at my March fodder. Nope, but I have been thinking about shorts, I tell him. Shorts, now seemingly an all year round item of clothing, according to some misguided souls.

As I sat down to start putting together the article I receive news, unwelcome news, that has overtaken the ideas formulating in my mind. The shorts will have to wait for next month to get a literary ‘airing’ as present thoughts now take me in a more serious direction than normal and an immediate need to pay tribute to a remarkable individual.

Simon Heffer, journalist, author, political commentator and educated in Chelmsford, recently published an article in the Daily Mail paying tribute to another Chelmsford man, his old head at KEGS. http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2942084/Mr-Inspiration-Fearedhead-lifelong-friend-SIMON-HEFFER-pays-heart-stirring-tribute-man-proved-grammarschools-really-change-lives.html Now I am not going to enter into a grammar school debate; Motty is a product of the secondary modern/comprehensive system and the Open University, so although I hold opinions, they are not important right now. The real story is about my own truly inspirational headmaster and lifelong friend. My ‘news’ was very much in the vein of the article above; my old headmaster, mentor, and above all friend of 40 years, had died, relatively young as well (in his mid seventies). This is a man I have known longer than my own sadly missed father, another guiding light and steadying hand on ones sometimes excitable shoulder. Of course, in these modern times, such friendships would be frowned upon and would not happen until past school leaving age, but as the quote says: “The past is a foreign country, they do things differently there.”

although I know Dr Bolas’s political opinions were somewhat different. He then found further scholarship and on to the heady heights of Oxford. These pathways lead him into teaching; after all it was education that got him to where he was. He remained passionate about education and its ability to change lives to the very end. He had done it, got to one of the finest universities in the world from humble origins, and carried a belief that equal opportunity should be available to all. No child at his school was ever left in any doubt that they could and should expand their horizons and aim for higher.

I am from a large estate outside Romford called Harold Hill and in the 60s and 70’s its schools turned out good solid people to work at Fords, become apprentices, learn trades, but not to go to university, attend theatre, art galleries or concerts. He endeavoured to alter this and some fortunate people who had the unfortunate luck of being caught up in the change to comprehensive education benefited massively from this remarkable man who came into our midst.

I know so much of the person I am today and what I have achieved is all connected back to that 40 year friendship. He was able to see me complete the education he vainly tried to get this often disaffected pupil to engage in, some 35 years after our first meeting at The Neave School, as I graduated at the Barbican centre with a good degree from The Open University at the age of fifty. His cries of “Bravo! Bravo!” from the auditorium rang loudly over the assembled throng and will remain a pleasant memory forever.

These individuals are a constant presence in education, even now. I have spent the last 14 years assisting such a person in Chelmsford and seeing the inspiration and opportunities they give to young people year in, year out. We should relish these people and make sure the education system can let them thrive. After all, education makes us what we are.

Inspirational people remain inspirational in people’s minds for a long time and that is beneficial for us all.

The good Dr Bolas was always ready to encourage and promote ambition in young persons. My own children will sadly miss his input and intellect. I cannot do justice in 750 words to this man, but merely make a futile gesture and dedicate MOTCO March 2015 to Dr Terry Bolas and all inspirational heads and teachers everywhere.

The good Dr Terry Bolas was from a poor background in rural Worcestershire, but won a scholarship to a grammar school, ironically supporting Mr Heffers comments in his article,

Kingpin’s Great Big Adventure

A

fter 18 months in the planning, The Edge’s erstwhile columnist eventually left Chelmsford at approximately 2:00pm on Monday 2nd February and at the time of writing has driven his truck down to Morocco with his sidekick Big Bazza.

So here’s a list of some of the things our very own pint-sized Indiana Jones says he has noticed since being on the road (and remember, he only passed his driving-test a few weeks before they departed on their Great Big Adventure around the globe, which will take them who knows where).

1. You can function on a lot less sleep and food than you’d imagine.

2. Our navigational skills are actually pretty good.

Yes, we get lost, but we always manage to get wherever we’re going in the end.

3. Bazza is slowly coming around to both foreign food and that Taylor Swift song, even though he’d never admit to either.

4. I have taken to wearing hats for some reason.

My current favourite is a black military style baseball affair. I look a bit like Gay Special Forces, but I don’t care. I have also taken to doffing it at peo-

Page 20

ple, as befits the gentleman that I am.

5. We can drink our own body weight in Estrella and not get a hangover.

6. I find it impossible to drive without singing.

7. Bazza is a culinary genius with meat products on a camping stove, whilst his tent erecting skills are second to none.

8. I’ll put money on Troy or Giles picking up on the word ‘erecting’ and turning point 7 into something very different indeed.

And now for the musings of The Kingmeister thus far...

I'm happy to draw a line under Portsmouth and I don't need to visit it again any time soon. When we finally made the ferry we met a great couple called Karen and Micky and ended up getting knee-walking drunk with them. We also had a couple of people hear what we were doing and ask to have their photo’s taken with us, which was really weird.

A South African guy bought us a bottle of champagne to celebrate and I agreed to meet him in Africa and fly a microlight across the continent.

I'm pretty sure that was the drink talking though.

We got to Santander to reports of blizzards and people being rescued from their cars and were warned not to travel unless strictly necessary. We duly ignored these warnings and headed south.

By 8:00pm we were completely lost and driving through a blizzard. We lost control of the truck twice and crashed into snowdrifts. Luckily there was no damage, but we had to dig the truck out each time. We began to think maybe ignoring the warnings wasn't such a good idea.

Found a small town called Canga and stopped in a hotel as there was no way we were even attempting to pitch the tents in 4ft of snow. Nice little place, but nobody spoke a word of English.

Had breakfast and then headed off, choosing a mountain road as it looked like fun to drive, which it was, until we got above the snowline and then hit our second blizzard in two days. I was driving this time and I never thought I'd end up driving up a mountain range during a blizzard so soon after passing my test!

Continued on page 26

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The Edge 221_The Edge 172.qxd 26/02/2015 11:57 Page 22

ONLY JOKING! GREECE

Due to the current economic crisis, Greece is cancelling all production of humus and taramasalata, due to it's a double-dip recession.

MR NZEOGWU Mr. Nzeogwu was lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young female student nurse suddenly appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse," Mr. Nzeogwu mumbles from behind his mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, sir. I'm only really here to wash your upper body and feet."

Mr. Nzeogwu struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, the young nurse overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.

She looks very closely at them and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, sir. They look absolutely fine to me."

Mr. Nzeogwu slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Tank you.

Tank you very much. Dat was wonderful. Now listen very, very close: Are - my - test - results back?"

KING ABDULLAH Prince Charles and David Cameron flew out to Saudi Arabia for the funeral of King Abdullah.

Which is honestly all they needed, Chaz and ruddy Dave turning up.

BLIND DATE Jack had a blind date with Jill and, as the evening progressed, he found himself attracted to her more and more.

After some passionate embracing, he said, "Tell me, do you object to making love?"

"That is something I have never done before," replied Jill.

"What, never made love before? You mean to tell me that you’re still a virgin?" said Jack, who was quite frankly amazed.

"No, silly," Jill giggled. "Never objected."

BUSY DOCTOR A dwarf goes to a very good but very busy doctor and asks, "I know you’re extremely busy, doc, but do you ever treat dwarves?"

The doctor replied, "Yes, but you’ll have to be a little patient".

HEADS A guy, who was not feeling too well, went to the hospital to undertake some tests.

Two days later, he received a call to get back to the hospital as fast as he could and NOT to have any contact with anyone.

Upon arrival, he was ushered into a room where everyone was in HAZMAT suits.

The lead doctor said, "Sir, I am sorry to inform you that your test results came back and you proved positive for HEADS." The guy said, "Huh? What the hell is HEADS?” The doc says, "Well, it’s a mutated virus that combines Herpes, Ebola, AIDS, Diphtheria and Syphilis."

"Oh dear God!" the guy replies. "What can you do for me?"

The doctor says, "Just stay calm. The first thing we’re going to do is get you to a room all by yourself. Then we’re going to start you off with a diet of pancakes, pizza....."

The guy interrupts. "Whoa! Wait! What?

Pancakes? Pizza? What’s going on here? Will that help cure me?"

"No," says the doctor. “But in all honesty, it's the only things we can think of to slip beneath the door."

BIRTHDAY GIFT I bought the wife a new bag and a belt for her birthday.

The hoover works a treat now.

MUFFIN A little girl goes to the barbershop with her Daddy and stands next to the chair, eating a muffin, while her Daddy gets a haircut.

The barber smiles at her and says: "You're going to get hair on that muffin of yours."

She says, "Got some already, you dirty old letch, mister."

WOSSY Jonathan Ross has been accused of shoplifting a kitchen utensil from Tesco.

Ross said, “Under the circumstances, it was a whisk I was pwepared to twake.”

EGYPT A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt.

Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Rocher.

ICE-CREAM A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things, so they decide to go to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor tells them that they're physically in very good condition for their age, but if they are having trouble remembering things, they might want to start writing stuff down to help them.

Later that night, whilst watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.

"Where are you going?" his wife asks.

"To the kitchen," he replies.

"Will you get me a bowl of ice-cream?"

"Sure."

"Don't you think you should write it down, so you can remember it?" she asks, recalling the doctor's suggestion.

“Eeeee, my memory really sucks, Mildred.

So I changed the password on my computer to ‘INCORRECT’. That way, whenever I log on with the wrong password, my computer tells me: ‘Your password is incorrect’.

"No, I can remember that."

"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. So you'd better write it down because you know you'll forget it."

He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice-cream with strawberries."

"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, so you'd better write it down," she retorted.

Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down.

Just don't start with all that. Leave me alone.

Ice-cream with strawberries and whipped cream. I got it, for goodness sake." Then he grumbles on out into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate in disbelief and says, "Where's my toast?"

FERRARI My sex life is like a Ferrari, in so far as I simply haven’t got a Ferrari.

INDECENT EXPOSURE A Sheriff in a small town in Texas walks out in the street and sees a blond haired cowboy coming towards him with nothing on but his cowboy hat, his gun and his boots.

He immediately waves the cowboy down and arrests him for indecent exposure.

As he is locking him up, he asks, “Why the hell were you riding a horse in such a state of undress?”

The cowboy says, “Well, it's like this Sheriff.

I was in some bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did. And we go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt. So I did. Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants. So I did. Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts. So I did. Then she gets on the bed and looks at me all kind of sexy and says, 'You can go to town now, cowboy.’ Hey, and here I am!”

‘Son of a gun’, thinks the Sheriff. ‘Blonde cowboys really do exist.’

EXPENSIVE WEDDING I overheard a guy complaining how expensive his imminent wedding was working out to be.

Only I thought, ‘Christ, if you think that’s expensive, just wait until you get divorced.’

MEN HAVE FEELINGS TOO Men have feelings too. For instance, sometimes men feel hungry.

MR. FIXIT Ladies, if a guy says he will fix it, he will. There is really no need to remind him about it every few months.

You readers need to send in some better jokes!

All jokes published are supplied by Edge readers. Please send your ‘egg yokes’ to shaun@theedgemag.co.uk

The Edge 221_The Edge 172.qxd 26/02/2015 11:57 Page 23

Mine’s a bit of a strange article this month because I am writing it from a height of 41,000 feet somewhere above the Atlantic Ocean, on my way home from a week's holiday in Rivera Maya, Mexico.

I was fed up with the weather in England, so decided to jet off in order to enjoy some much needed winter sun. Fortunately, work allowed me the time off, so I set about trying to book a last minute deal. However, the problem with this particular time of the year is that it is difficult to find somewhere that’s warm enough, yet can also be reached within a reasonable time period.

Ultimately, I settled on Mexico. Granted it’s long-haul, but at least it's direct. Besides, I don't mind flying as I actually quite enjoy simply sitting down for 10 hours,!,) watching %movies and getting air hostesses to bring me drinks and snacks whenever I so desire.

You might think that a late deal to a Caribbean beach sounds like heaven right about now, but I can assure you that it is not without its drawbacks. For starters, I’d had no time to perfect the ultimate beach body since Christmas and thus tended to spend my entire vacation wobbling about like a bright pink blancmange, in amongst the seemingly perfectly tanned and toned Europeans. How do they do it? The Italians, in particular, have a cold weather climate to contend with like ourselves, and live on a diet of seemingly refined carbohydrates, yet they still manage to look like Zeus and are only too happy to slip into a pair of Speedo's (which, by the way, should be pronounced with a silent 'S').

I immediately vowed to get myself back

into shape upon my return to England, but for the duration of my stay in Mexico, I consoled myself by gorging on mountains of food and an endless supply of free booze that was included as part of my all inclusive package. I had stayed at a couple of all inclusive resorts previously, but my hotel, the Catalonia Royal Tulum, was definitely the best to date. Not only did you get your standard 3 meals per day, but also snacks, booze, fruit juice, all your activities, plus a minibar in your room that was restocked on a daily basis. So if I was going to feel guilty about feeling fat, I was definitely going to do it in style.

Rivera Maya is somewhat cut off from the rest of Mexico and even the holiday towns of Cancun and Playa del Carmen are about half-an-hours drive away, which means you are a bit limited to staying within the confines of your hotel resort. To be completely honest with you, it can be easy to forget that you are even in Mexico at times, and if you are the sort of person who is looking for a more of a cultural experience, then it probably isn't the holiday for you. To be fair though, I have been dragged around quite a few temples and what not in my time, so for me, just doing nothing, relaxing and enjoying the sunshine was actually quite refreshing.

I found the locals that I did meet in the resort to be extremely friendly and the service at the hotel was exceptional.

Everything was perfect, except, perhaps, having to deal with ‘foreigners’ at the daily breakfast buffet. Getting out of your seat and trying to navigate your way over to the food counter was like a giant human ver-

sion of dodgems, and I swear that if I hadn't given way on more than a few occasions, I would have ended up with numerous head on collisions. I do have to wonder how these people cope when they come head-to-head with equally aggressive walkers, and don't get me started on the complete failure of some to adhere to the very British notion of queuing and waiting your turn to be served. The way that some people pushed to the front, demanding to be given food, was actually reminiscent of feeding time at Colchester Zoo. Ultimately such overindulgence became far too much for even me to bear and, somewhat inevitably, resulted in a severe case of Delhi Belly. After a few days of regular trips to the bathroom I thought I was over the worst of it, but just after I had checked out of our room, I had that desperate need to go to the toilet. Thing is, I no longer had a room of my own to use and so had to use the facilities provided in the hotel lobby. I will spare you the graphic details, suffice to say I was in there for quite some time. So long, in fact, for the lights, which were activated by a movement sensor, to go out, so I was left sitting on the throne in complete and utter darkness. I sat there for a little while, frantically waving my arms about, trying to get the lights to come back on, but to no avail. It was pitch black in there and not one person entered the bathroom throughout the entire 10 minute period of my squitathon. I eventually somewhat daringly opened my cubicle door ever so slightly and tried waving my arms around some more, although once again, my attempts proved fruitless.

So I had no option other than to venture

Billy Hinken out even further into the bathroom, whereupon I was eventually successful.

Unfortunately for me though, just as the lights flashed back on, a man walked in to find me standing in front of him with my trousers and pants around my ankles, whilst waving my hands in the air.

Honestly, try explaining that one. To say I was embarrassed would be an understatement and I can assure you I have never been so happy to leave a hotel resort in all of my life.

That aside, I really enjoyed my time at Rivera Maya and would highly recommend it to anyone, especially if you simply need some time to unwind and recharge your batteries. I would, however, stay well away from the habanero sauce, as not only can it wreak havoc with your insides, it can also cause you acute humiliation too.

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Page 23

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The Edge 221_The Edge 172.qxd 26/02/2015 12:26 Page 24

Surreal?

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EROTIC

Whenever ‘House of Fools’ is reviewed, the word surreal is far more often than not used.

But is it?

Or is it just regurgitated shitefg?

The Edge has always had a soft spot for Vic & Bob and some of their stuff in the mid-nineties was right and proper up The Edge’s street. Having said that, far too often, do they not flatter to deceive? (The Edge remembers walking out of a ‘Reeves & Mortimer’ show at Ipswich during the interval many moons ago, as it simply wasn’t happening.)

How ‘House of Fools’ has been recommissioned for a second series is simply beyond this mag.

It’s just got such an ‘old hat’ feel to it and doesn’t (least it certainly doesn’t me) make you laugh, which is surely its whole point?

The only decent character is Matt Berry as the ultra-flamboyant Beef (or you may prefer him as ‘Toast of London’). But all in all, it’s pretty much a waste of half-an-hour.

Velma Remember Velma Dinkley from Scooby-Doo, readers?

She sure turned out OK, didn’t she?

Velma was always portrayed as a highly intelligent young woman in the SD series, despite forever seemingly loosing her glasses. Only when she became old enough to know better, she simply said “feck it” and started hustling for a living instead.

In one TV episode, Velma is described as being ‘born with a book in her hands’, whereas in the all new 50-Shades version of SD that is currently being filmed, the word ‘book’ has been substituted for...‘clock’.

Fantasy

Whatever happened to Matthew McConaughey?

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Page 24

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The Edge always thought he was a bit, you know, frivolous. Someone who made movies and didn’t much care how good they were, just so long as he could get back to surfing, riding his bike and working-out pretty damn soon.

Only then The Edge watched him in ‘Mud’ and ‘Killer Joe’ and saw a completely different side to McConaughey, and over the past few weeks has marvelled at his performances in ‘True Detective’, as well as being, quite frankly, appalled by his skeletal frame (he lost 50lbs for Christ’s sake) in ‘The Dallas Buyers Club’.

So how did Mac belatedly become so very serious all of a sudden, about his chosen art?

McConaughey revealed exclusively (like arse he did) to The Edge: “There was never a line in the sand moment, although it did eventually dawn on me that most of the scripts I was receiving were really kind of boring.”

That was pretty much due to the fact that every last one of them were romcoms, which to be fair had earnt him a hell of a lot of money over the years, as each one he appeared in took $100 million worldwide.

‘The Lincoln Lawyer’ was the turning point (another movie that The Edge has seen), so really this mag must have always secretly had a bit of a man-crush on him, whilst it was also his first movie following a self-imposed two year absence from the silver screen and one in which he took a huge pay-cut.

So now The Edge has got to eke out ‘Magic Mike’, ‘Bernie’ and ‘The Paperboy’ to see McConaughey’s performances in those movies too.

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The Edge 221_The Edge 172.qxd 26/02/2015 12:28 Page 26

And now for the photograph of the entire trip, naturally captured by Ye Olde Edge ‘The Eye’ Editor, somewhere in the back of beyond, but don’t you agree that it’s an absolute masterpiece, readers?

Continued from page 20

All that snow was a bit nerve-wracking as at times it was a total whiteout and we couldn't see past the bonnet, but I did OK and got us to the top to find the road was completely blocked. So we were stuck there for a while, wondering how we were going to get out of this particu-

lar mess, when miraculously a snowplough arrived and cleared our path. He also informed us that more by luck than judgement we were on the right road to Leon, which is where we wanted to go. (You can see a video of the blizzard on our Facebook page.)

Once we’d cleared the snow we made a run into Portugal and stayed in a town called Tomar for a couple of days, which was really nice. Then we headed south, back into Spain, and spent a night in Gibraltar, which is a shit-hole! Then we pitched up at a beach-front campsite in Tarifa on the southern coast of Spain. It’d been a hard week of driving, so we gave ourselves a couple of days off to relax and drink some really cheap beer.

Here I am in a typical Morrocan Riad!

Page 26

Two days later we were up early to catch the ferry to Morocco - Africa which seems really weird. Enjoying myself so far, but it's harder than I thought it would be. I’m very tired most of the time and already losing weight as I'm not eating much for some unknown reason. Really missing people back home already, so making the most of WiFi whenever it's easily available to keep in touch as much as I can.

LOST in KERALA On our sixth and final day with our delicious bikes, we left the beach and our guides said to us, “Turn left at the end of the road and pretty much keep going and we’ll catch up with you,” like they had done on numerous other occasions throughout our road-trip.

Only we hit some horrendous traffic which we managed to get through on 2-wheels, but our guides said they’d asked some locals if they’d “seen any whities on Royal Enfields” and they got directed in a totally different direction to the one we’d taken.

So there we were, sat waiting by the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, getting hooted at from just about every other passing vehicle (we were certainly a bit of an attraction) with no mobile ’phone and just a very few sheckles between us (all our gear,

including our Passports, were in the back of our guide’s utility vehicle).

So what to do?

Mrs Feckwit suggested going to a police station, but 2 years ago in Goa we got ‘right royally fleeced’ by a bent copper for not having our helmets on (oh, and what about every other motorcyclist on the road, as hardly anyone bothers to wear them), so I didn’t care for that idea very much.

We did, however, eventually manage to radio for help, but it was only due to a couple of ever so courteous locals who were eager to get us out of our sticky predicament.

We eventually ended up back at the bike depot in the pitch black, but what a ride it was, with our ‘other halves’ riding with our guides, which gave me and Bernard the chance to hit the throttle!

With no mobile ’phone and only £2.75 worth of rupees between us and absolutely no idea how much fuel we had left, I think it’s fair to say we were all ‘touching cloth’ a little bit!

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The Edge 221_The Edge 172.qxd 27/02/2015 19:14 Page 27

OPEN UP ABOUT MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES? WHAT, ARE YOU CRAZY?

The same problem followed me into university and eventually I found myself calling in sick with a headache, or taking a day off because I had food poisoning.

I made up illnesses that were more socially acceptable than the one I actually had because I felt I could not call in and simply say I was ‘depressed’. I knew that my tutors would be cross with me if I took days off for such a problem and would be sceptical about my ability to complete the course.

When I was 17 I was diagnosed with depression, put on an anti-depressant medication and sent off on my own into the big bad world to figure it out for myself.

At that age I was naïve and didn’t think about the wider implications of having a mental health issue. I had no idea then that it would cause problems for me in both my personal and professional life.

Like most people suffering from depression, I just wanted to get better.

The first time I came to realise that having a mental health issue would cause problems in a professional capacity was at college. Dosed up on prescription valium and despondent, I began to struggle with coursework and meeting the required deadlines. My tutor was understandably very unhappy with me as he had no idea what was going on. After much encouragement from loved ones, I decided to be open about my problems and to tell my tutor that I suffered from depression and anxiety. At first he was understanding and it felt like a huge weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. But eventually the skipped days spent in bed and the extensions on my workload became an insurmountable problem and he threatened to kick me off the course.

On every single occasion that I opened up about my mental health issues I was immediately treated with empathy, which unfortunately was quickly replaced with frustration, disappointment and annoyance, none of which ever did me any good. I firmly believe that in most instances, opening up about mental health does not work for many of us, despite the fact that more and more campaigns are popping up and urging us to do so.

The Mind & Rethink Mental Illness (RMI) led campaign ‘Time to Change’ strives towards ending mental health discrimination through campaigning and getting people to ‘open up’ and ‘talk’ about their problems. Whilst I believe both Mind and RMI play a vital role in providing help to those suffering from a mental health issue, I also think that in some instances this culture of being open and honest about personal problems is detrimental to those who suffer from them. Being discriminated against is a terrible thing to experience and perceptions of mental

illness do need to change, but right now I’m not so sure they will.

According to the site, ‘79,631 people have pledged to end mental health stigma’. I wonder how many of those people, if put in the position, would employ someone with a mental health issue to work for them in their own company?

Being sympathetic to a family member is one thing, but hiring someone who could potentially take lots of time off for a complicated and on-going problem is quite another. On the outside, people want to appear empathetic and understanding because it seems like the correct thing to be. But when it comes down to it, people are ignorant, and if they haven’t suffered from a similar problem, they won’t understand yours.

Twitter @yasminejourno

Despite the fact that anti-discrimination laws are put in place to protect, if you tell a potential employer that you suffer from a mental health issue, you will certainly not get the job. Of course, that won’t ever be the official reason you are given, but it will be the real one. Lots of information on mental health is readily available, but the general public is still so far behind that for many, mental health issues are seen as something quite frightening. When you look at it from this point of view, suddenly ‘talking about mental health’ doesn’t really seem so appealing any more. I’m not saying that you should keep your problems bottled up and hidden away, but I do believe that you should be selective in who you share mental health information

by Yasmine with. Just because you are encouraged to openly air your problems, it doesn’t mean you should. Very close friends and family members can provide a great support network when you are suffering, but in most cases potential employers, colleagues, acquaintances, lecturers or teachers do not need to know about the status of your mental health. Although you may feel pressurised into getting out of your comfort zone and explaining yourself, you should never feel obliged to do so. It’s your life and you should live it how you feel comfortable, without fear of prejudice.

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The Edge 221_The Edge 172.qxd 26/02/2015 12:41 Page 28

Max Headroom’s

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Spanish is the world’s HAPPIEST language Scientists have revealed that Spanish is the world’s happiest language, following a study involving five million people, including some of whom were French.

A study of the world’s most commonly used words has revealed that human evolution favours the expression of positivity over sadness and cynicism (OK, so tell us something we don’t already know) with Spanish proving to be the happiest language on the planet, although (surprise, surprise) English also featured in the top five.

As if to prove the point, Spanish lovebirds Javier Bardem and Penelope (new hooters?) Cruz stretch their mouths accordingly after Cruz lets out a Tommy Chufter whilst walking along the red carpet, and modern-man Bardem sees the funny side and refrains from holding his nose.

Thinking Cap Scientists believe that the standard issue flat Northern headpiece could actually be the long lost ‘Thinking Cap’ that may help Southerners to receive low voltage shocks to their brains in order to make them cleverer and far more discerning (something Northerners take for granted).

It is thought that the electrical stimulus that a flat cap creates can increase the ability to learn new skills as well as aid decision making and stuff.

Best Mates Tigger the pony (and what a bloody stupid name for a baby horse that is) and Joker the dog have become the best of friends. Great dane Joker and miniature pony Tigger’s friendship blossomed when they met on a four-legged dating site (who writes this stuff?) and they have been pretty much inseparable ever since. Except on Saturday’s when Joker follows Southend United both home and away.

Page 28

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The Edge 221_The Edge 172.qxd 26/02/2015 11:46 Page 29

There’s a general election in the UK soon.

You know that of course because the newspapers, radio and TV feature very little apart from posturing politicians telling you what they think you want to hear.

CALIFORNIA DREAMIN’

This column has absolutely no intention of making an argument for any particular party, and in any case, the three main ones have pretty similar policies. There’s no black and white to distinguish them, just various shades of grey. Then there are the one-issue fringe parties. These organizations are attractive only to borderline nut jobs. And in some cases, they’re not even borderline, but fully formed loonies.

However, there is one issue that every single party obsesses about because they know they have absolutely no chance of winning anything if they can’t convince the electorate they are 100% behind it. We’re talking, of course, about the NHS. The party leaders fall over themselves to promise ever more cash for the bottomless pit that is the NHS. And it would come as absolutely no surprise if one of them manufactured the need for an operation in the next few months that they could have done on the NHS (in full view of the cameras) just to prove their devotion to it.

Someone with wonderful clarity of thought once said the NHS is the nearest the UK has to a state religion. What’s more, it’s a religion every bit as strict as Islam or Catholicism because it will allow no dissent whatsoever. Questioning or criticizing the NHS is political suicide, so it doesn’t happen.

Out here the approach to healthcare is entirely different, and as you will be aware, it is heavily weighted towards the private

shaun@theedgemag.co.uk

GOOD ’ELF sector. However, it is important to dispel a few myths. Contrary to popular European belief, should you be unfortunate enough to have an accident, the ambulance would not leave you lying in the street if you haven’t got an insurance card. Admittedly the quality of treatment you receive will depend on your ability to pay, but medics here are the same as medics everywhere. On the whole they are caring people and the callous, money driven attitude citizens of the UK like to tar them with is grossly unfair.

by Steve Ward

as a benefit, but should you leave, to retire say, you need to sort yourself out some cover pretty damn quick. So you do a bit of research and the first reaction is, “They want how much? Jeez.” Yes, it is spectacularly expensive.

Although there are various public and charity funded programmes that assist the poor to get the care they need, for someone brought up with the NHS always there in the background, an attitude adjustment towards healthcare is definitely required if you come to live here.

Not only is it expensive, it is complicated beyond belief. There is the concept of a ‘deductible’, which is akin to the excess on your car insurance in the UK. But it’s not as simple as saying you must pay the first $200 or whatever per claim. Oh no, that would be far too easy. The amount of deductible depends on what the claim is.

So going to a GP, or Primary Care Physician as they are called here, may cost you $45 each time, but if you need your appendix out, the deductible might be $3,000.

Most big employers offer medical insurance

That’s because there’s another notion that

comes into play - the ‘co-pay’. So, your insurance might only pay 80% of each claim leaving you to find the other 20% irrespective of deductible amounts. Fortunately there is a third concept that raises its head at this point, and that’s the ‘maximum out of pocket’. This caps the amount you have to pay any year at a figure – say $6,000 – after which the insurance company will pick up 100% of the cost above that amount. All those percentages and amounts are adjustable depending on how big a premium you are prepared to pay.

So, if you’re wise, you budget to spend your maximum out of pocket amount on health care each year, plus the whopping monthly premiums, then whoop in pleasure if you don’t make budget.

Following this so far? No, I’m not surprised.

It’s taken me years to get all this.

But we’re still not done with complications yet. The fourth and final concept is the ‘network’. In simple terms each insurance company has a list of medics of all disciplines that it recognizes. These are ‘in network’ and usually means your insurance company will pay claims without much fuss. However, should you be stupid enough to not realise this limitation (I was - once) then you may attend an ‘out of network’ doctor. Not only might there be hassles with the payment, but the actual amounts change. So your deductible may be $2,000 for in network doctors, but $4,000 for out of network.

Exposure to all this certainly makes you think twice before moaning about the NHS. So don’t, OK? You can contact Wardo at steveward2000@hotmail.com

Page 29

The Edge 221_The Edge 172.qxd 26/02/2015 12:36 Page 30

In fact, the closest I have ever come to a man like Christian Grey was when ‘Him Indoors’ offered to take me to a place I’d never ever been before - and we ended up at the Burger Bar in Boreham for our tea!

FROTHY COFFEE

TOTALLY TRACIE HANKY PANKY SPANKY

I make no apology for writing about Mr Fifty-Shades this month, as I have had lots of people ask me from The Edge if I have been to see the movie and what did I think of it.

By the time this month’s Edge hits the stands a whopping 6/10 women are predicted to have seen the movie, whilst it is further predicted that by the end of the summer such figures will be way higher.

Sadly, I will not be one of them. This movie was launched on St.Valentine’s Day, no less. I mean, whatever happened to chocolates and roses and a bit of old fashioned romance?

Call me behind-the-times if you like, but a nice card and a meal puts me far more in the mood for love than the thought of being hung from a beam with cable ties and beaten on my bare bottom with a hair brush. More to the point, I am not so sure the beams in our house could take my weight nowadays.

Mr Grey, aka Jamie Dornan, is a pure work of fiction from the ‘brilliant imagination’ of portly overweight author E L James, who herself has more double chins than a Chinese ’phone book.

Ms James, a shameless self promoter, drives a Land Rover with the Number plate SXY. She may be a lot of things, but clearly sexy isn’t one of them. Meanwhile, Mr Dornan looks (off camera at least) like the sort of guy who would cry if you pinched him too hard. I’ll bet the closest he has $ ever come to a Mr Whippy is probably whenever the Ice-Cream van comes round.

Sorry to shatter your illusions, girls, but Christian Grey is no more real than Richard Gere was in Pretty Woman, or Robert Redford in Indecent Proposal.

Sure, they might be great characters, but it’s just a bit of lighthearted fun, because really, we girls know that such a man could never exist, right??

Come on, where are we ever going to find a man who will fix lunch, give us multiple orgasms, go shopping for clothes with us, whisk us off to far flung destinations, and never lose his temper whenever he gets lost? And all of this whilst running a multibillion dollar company. Such a man can only be work of pure fiction from a wishful thinking woman who has made millions out of such nonsense.

Page 30

Coffee sales in the UK keep on getting bigger and bigger. No longer does a cup of Nescafe from a jar do it for us. No, we want freshly brewed coffee, whipped up by a fully fledged Barista. Costa & Starbucks keeps on growing and growing, but here is a sobering thought whilst you’re sipping your morning cuppa on the train to work.

How would you like to give up your coffee and drive a Bentley or an Aston Martin?

Based on 5 large cups of coffee from Costa at £2.40 per cup, that equates to £12 per week.

After one week of giving up the bean, ladies, you could treat yourself to a mini pedicure, or a Liberty Print Notebook, whilst you guys could purchase a Christiano Ronaldo DVD from WH Smith + a couple of beers. Or how about the book ‘American Sniper’ and a takeaway curry?

Still not convinced? After 6 months of going without coffee you’d actually be a whopping £345.60 richer, which equates to lunch for two at the Shard in London (£200) and enough left over for a luscious Spa Pampering Day. One year of going without your early morning cuppa would give you a huge £691.20 in savings, enough for a break in Rome (inc. flights). Or perhaps the services of a domestic cleaner for 4 weeks for the far more practically minded amongst you would suit you better.

After 2 years you could buy yourselves the latest Mulberry Bag and matching purse and still have enough change to put in it from your £1,382.40 purchases.

Five years and now you’re really talking as you’ve saved lots of lovely dosh! 1,440 cups at £3456.00 would buy you a ‘once in a lifetime’ Gorilla Tour in Rwanda, or a two week stay in Mauritius.

Ten years (£6,912) offers you a chauffeur driven Rolls Royce for 8 hours a day for 80 days (after which it’s back to the bus, I’m afraid), although what an experience being driven around in a Roller for almost 3 months would be!

Twenty years (5,760 cups at £13,824) is maybe a nice little deposit on a flat.

Forty years (12,960 cups later at £31,104) and you really could be driving around in a used Aston Martin or a Bentley. Or you could even blow the whole lot by taking 20 of your mates to stay for one night only on Richard Branson’s Necker Island!

Sobering thought, hey?

CHOCOLATE HEAVEN Easter if fast approaching and the shops will soon be full of chocolate eggs, but how about this, girls. Harvey Nics on-line has started stocking the chocolate called ‘Ohso’ that is totally healthy and guilt-free.

It contains only 63 calories, but packs a whopping amount of friendly bacteria and vitamins guaranteed to improve digestion and aid weight loss. It’s £12 for 3 packs of 7 bars and they’re literally flying off the shelves. What’s more, it’s guaranteed to contain more antioxidants and healthy nutrients than a whole bottle of milk.

Chocolate aids dieting? Now isn't that a delicious thought!

Tracie123@aol.com

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59 Moulsham Street, Chelmsford, CM2 0JA. TELEPHONE 01245 490741 2www.personalvapour.com

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beautiful bespoke fitted kitchens, bedrooms and bathroms as well as a range of exclusive furniture and home accessories

TALK TO US

NOW TO visit us at our showroom or online 40 New Street, Chelmsford, Essex, CM1 1PH 01245 299331 | info@spaziodesign.co.uk www.spaziodesign.co.uk

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