The Edge Magazine April 2013

The Edge 198_The Edge 172.qxd 22/03/2013 16:57 Page 1

EDGE

the ISSUE NO: 198

www.theedgemag.co.uk

‘THE CHELMSFORD FANZINE’

The Edge Chelmsford CM2 6XD

Telephone 01245 348256

APRIL 2013

Mobile: 077 646 797 44

The Edge 198_The Edge 172.qxd 22/03/2013 17:00 Page 2

Weelcome to Admiral J McHardy Formally known as the Alma

Com Co mee ddoown aand nd m meeeeeett SSttteeewwaarrrtt, ouurr neeww Geene neerrraaall Maana naagggeeerr & hhiiiss Teeaaam m, iin n ouurr neewwllyy rreeefu fuurrrbbbiiissshhheeedd puubb.

We prriiidddee ouurrrssseeelllvveess on foccuuusssiiing ng on ccoom mm m muuuni m nity ni itty aand nd ddeeellliiivveerrriiing ng on whhaaatt ouurr gguuueeessstt waant nttss.

The Admiral J McHardy (previously called The Alma) is the ffiirst of a brand new chain of pub and restaurants to be opened across the UK. Providing fresh products from local businesses to produce great traditional meals and homemade desserts all made from scratch.

We also have a great selection of wines, beers and cask ales.

The Admiral J is a very warm and welcoming venue and gives you the feel of home and comfort with a nice chilled atmosphere for all.

You can dine from our main menu & blackboards throughout the whole day and our lunch menu is available every day until 6pm. Even if you would like a quick drink or a cheeky little snoop around.......you are more than welcome.

Admiral John McHardy Admiral J McHardy became Essex first Chief Contstable in 1840.

11 years earlier, McHardy`s ship HMS Pickle captured the infamous slave ship the Boladora.

He is commemorated throughout Essex most notably via the Admiral McHardy Way, a charming path for walkers alongside the river Chelmer. We and the Admiral welcome you to our Pub & Kitchen and hope that your time with us is enjoyable, memorable and cherished.

dine | drink | relax

Page 2

Call us on: 01245 256783 to reserve your table.

The Edge 01245 348256

The Edge 198_The Edge 172.qxd 22/03/2013 17:39 Page 3

‘BROKEN ROMANCE’

by Linda Blacker ALUK Shot in the summer of 2012 just off the A1060 outside Chelmsford.

Model: Brittany Atkins

Hair & Make-Up: Ashleigh Bunce

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The Edge 077 646 797 44

Page Page 33

The Edge 198_The Edge 172.qxd 22/03/2013 17:01 Page 4

The Edge Editor’s Column “I’ve picked up your most recent

edition Edge)<=and I would just )67A ;=<B6(April /; ;/97<5 />=:=573A 4=@ 0=@7<5 like>/<BA to say what articles you B63 =44 G=C E7B6 lovely >6=B=5@/>6A 4@=; ;G wroteB@7> about visit7<toA=Goa. @313<B B= =/your =E3D3@ 2=7<5 And 6=>3 the pictures good too - apart 4C::G E7:: /:A= 03were @3:/B7<5 B63; B= 6=E ABC44 /<2 from the ones!

The 7< one 3D3<BA ;/23‘fish-eye’ ;3 433: E67:AB =D3@ B63@3 1=; whereB=you theB63 little in your >/@7A=< 6=E had ABC44 /<2 :/19girl =4 3D3<BA arms ;3 was lovely, and I thought ;/93A 433:really <=E B6/B J; 0/19 =D3@ 63@3 it7@AB was the 7Bway you C> quite A6=C:2moving >=7<B =CB B6/B E/A ;G 47@AB talked about not having 3D3@ B@7> B= B6/B >/@B71C:/@ <319 =4children B63 E==2A-/A though I know you<27/ don’t J2 <3D3@ @3/::G 4/<1732 ;C16likeCBdogs. @3/::G 7BJA / 07B :793 )6/7:/<2 =<:G B63 A3F B@/23 The paradox for me was that /<2 7BJA 3D3< 163/>3@ further the magazine was a )E= B67<5AinB6/B B6=A3 J2 A>=93<there B= E6=J2 ‘promotion prostitution’.

Serious /:@3/2G D7A7B32 for =/ 4/7:32 B= ;3<B7=< B= ;3 >@7=@ or;G not, girls are all someone’s B= B@7> these B6/B >3@A=</::G 6/>>3< B= B67<9 /@3 daughters who were once as,63< inno>@3BBG 7;>=@B/<B >=7<BA /@3 B63A3 G=C cent as little you=< were 6/D3<JB 43:Bthat B63 63/B /<2girl B@=223< A/<2hold7< /< ing in:=<5 your arms.

If B= you daugh/E4C::G E67:3 6/D3 A/Ghad B6/B /:: B63 E/G ters, B63 you would differently. /:=<5 1=/AB 4@=; think /<2=:7< B= /5/ B63 0/: :/AB 7A A= 0:7AA4C::G 1@7A>G /<2 A1@C<16G 7BJA :793 You never amaze <= =B63@ A/<2 cease JD3 3D3@to B@=223< =< me.” <=B 3D3< C>

Page 4

You 6/<2:3@A don’t get postbags anymore these /B C7:23@A #3@16/<BA B E/Adays.

6=<3AB You just get emails and that was one of them :G / >C@3 B@3/B 4=@ B63 A3<A3A =4 B63 A=:3 after the April editions 1==: had hit-the-streets. )63@3 E/A / 03/CB74C: 1=/AB/: 0@33H3 @/B63@ B6/< B6/B 6=B AB719G 6C;72 I also received ’phone call from6/D3 a Detective at =>>@3AA7D3 63/BaG=C A=;3B7;3A B= 1=<B3<2 Essex as opposed merely E7B6 =<Police, G=C@ J=:72/GA E67:ABtoB63 3/@:G a;=@<7<5A Community Officer, which 7< >/@B71C:/@ Support E3@3 AC@>@7A7<5:G 4@3A6 is what usually happens whenever a 033< neighbour has '3BC@<7<5 B= 63:;A4=@2 6/A /0A=:CB3:G reported me for pissing upG=C a tree.

6723=CA #/93A A3@7=CA:G ?C3AB7=< E6/B B63 63:: B63 @/B @/13 7A /:: /0=CB E63< G=C In hindsight, I guess prostitution piece was a 1/< AE/> 7B 4=@ :743 7< the / >/7@ =4 4:7> 4:=>A little to appear 6 too strong B6/BJ2 03 7B in a free publication such as The Edge, for =< which apologise I =E3D3@ E6/B 272 53B ;G IB7BA E/A B63ifA633@ (genuinely) offended anyone.

(ButE3@3 did I?) <C;03@ =4 A3;7 3:23@:G @7BA E6= @3A727<5 =D3@ B63@3 7< A33;7<5:G @3<B32 />/@B;3<BA 4=@ It wasn’t B63 3<B7@3meant E7<B3@to.

2C@/B7=< 313;03@ B6@=C56 B= B63 3<2 =4 #/@16 "C19G 0/A93BA CB B63< B63G Truth I never tend toB=look at the side /:: 0/@is,<=<3 A33;32 A>3/9 E7B6serious / <=@B63@< of issues because if I G=C did, ;756B well, it’d make me;3 BE/<5 /<2 E6/B3D3@ B67<9 /0=CB never attempt to tackle any subject in a 4=@ ;G even 4/7:7<5A =4 =@757</::G 6/7:7<5 4@=; A=;3 humorous fashion whatsoever.

E63@3 B6/B E/A /:: ;/<G ;==<A /5= /<2 B63A3 2/GA 6=<3AB:G 23A>7A3 Does The =4 Edge want to see prostitutes B63 A=C<2 B63 really ;/8=@7BG =4 J3; A7BB7<5 =< ‘prostulating’ about the streets Chelmsford?

3F/1B:G B63 A/;3 AC<032A 3/16of/<2 3D3@G 2/G Christ, I’m not even16=A3< going A6/19 to dignify a 7A =CBA723 B637@ I=E<J B63such 03/16 question/E/A6 with an answer. :7B3@/::G E7B6 A6/19 /4B3@ A6/19 =4 03/16 0/@A 4=@ / ;7:3 AB@3B16 But the the2@7<93@ word paradox is an B= inter#7<2 G=Cchoice /A /<of/:3 3D3< 6/D3 estingB6/B one,7B because means ‘anC:B@/ improbable /2;7B E/A 6/@2itB= 03/B /< 1=:2 combination of opposing and maybe 0=BB:3 =4 !7<547A63@ :/53@ qualities’ E67:AB A/B E/B167<5 thatE=@:2 does 5= sum up.

B63 0Gme7BJA 8CAB B6/B B63 <=@B63@< BE/2 2:3 J2 =4B3< =D3@63/@ E=C:2 6/D3 033< 4/@ 03B TheAC7B32 reason not certain I should have B3@ B= I’m )=@@3;=:7<=A publishing is because was53B simply CB >3=>:3 it53B E63@3D3@itB63G /<2 too B63 ‘dark’ a =/<A piece7<to>/@B71C:/@ appear in2= an organ that people A33; /B frail /:: 933< =< have easy enough access to. 3F>3@73<13A =4 B63 'CA973A /<2 4@=; ;G =E< B63; <37B63@ /; B= B3:: G=C B63 B@CB6 And if all that/wasn’t of a ‘welcome <3D3@ @3/2 E=@2 =4enjough / <3EA>/>3@ =@ A/E / )+ home’, 2C@7<5 here’s B63 some more flack....

A1@33< 3<B7@3 BE= E339A =4 ;G AB/G < 4/1B B63 )+ 7< =C@ 032@==; E/A CA32 4=@ >7: “You have =< come back from Goa 7<5 1:=B63A /A B63 E/@2@=03 E/Aobviously / B/2 =< B63 suffering A;/:: A723 from Goa Fever so far asB/93 %6 G3Ain/<2 2=<JB everything seems /<GB67<5 E67B3 B= =/ 74 better, cheaper, G=C E/<B 7B B= AB/G B6/B fresher over there.

1=:=C@ 3A723 3D3@G B/@;/132 Then7Aalong comes @=/2 8CAB 2CAB B63Ga bloke2= you would 2=<JB 6/@2 A6=C:23@A probably /A AC16 A=cross 74 G=Cthe street to/0=CB avoid back A1==B3@ / 07B :793 home, yet 2= at your E3 /:E/GA B@G 0:=E invitation he lays 7<5 G=C@ <=A3 /B B63his hands on 2/G you /<2 and it 3<2 =4 B63 only costs £7.50 per G=CJ:: 03 C<>:3/A/<B:G session and all of a AC@>@7A32 /B E6/B sudden1=;3A you feel 1=;3A =CB great. 7B 1=;3A B= 6=:7 ,63< 2/GA /; 2347<7B3:G / Fair Play.

B=C@7AB 0CB We J; all <=Blove / a miracle.

The74 art B=C@7AB B=C@7AB G=Cof massage 9<=E E6/Boriginally ;3/< came:793 from India 2=<JB 5=7<5 =<and he quite possibly =@5/<7A32 B@7>A >@3 knew what ;G he was 43@ B= ;/93 =E< doing without E/G /<2 /A JD3any recognised /:@3/2G A/72 medical 2=<JB :793 training thatD717<7BG we go=4 / 037<5 7< B63 through in order<5:7A6 to 5@=C> =4 0:==2G protect the public we 4=:9 <= ;/BB3@ E6/B >/@B treat. is the =4 =C@ That 1=C<B@G B63Gway it worksB=in1=;3 that 4@=; part of 6/>>3< the world and <=@B6 it does CB B63 4C@B63@ E3 works for7<many. >==B3@32 =/ B63 ;=@3 E3 A33;32 B= But for my part, 1=;3 /1@=AA G=C@I >@=> gave you an5@C<53 evalua3@ C@=>3/< tion, informed you of BG>3A G=C<57A6 4=:9A my opinion (asB6=C56 to E6= :==932 /A

what6/2<JB your problem could7<be), explained what B63G 6/2 / A6=E3@ / ;=<B6 =4 issues were the movement within=@ (C<2/GA /<2 effecting E3@3 =CB B63@3 4=@ B63 2C@/B7=< your shoulder that hasA3/A=< caused/@@7D32 you pain.1=C:2 In /B :3/AB JB7: B63 ;=<A==< fact,63:> I even treated you BJA a reha<=B /2;7@3 B63;you /<2and 433: gave 3<D7=CA /A bilitation programme to follow advised B6=C56 B63GJD3 BC@<32 B637@ 0/19Aand =< @35C:/@ :743 you of 9<=E regular exercises which was com/A E3 7B /<2 6/D3 2317232 B= 5=aB637@ pleteE/G package would =E< E6716 that B/93A 5CBA hopefully get you better and enable you to return to the <2 ;=<3G 2@/B (= 2= B63G 53B 7Bactivi4@=; ties living. /19of 7< normal, :756BG everyday ;7AA E/97<5 C> /<2 <=B A337<5 / 1=C>:3 =4 >@3BBG AB@/G 1=EA =/< 1=EA /@3 Only you follow 27443@3<B B=didn’t <5:7A6 1=EA my 72:Gsuggestions, 6==47<5 /0=CBdid 7< you? didn’t<2 follow one iota;7AA of the advice ;G 1C:You 23 A/1 >/@B71C:/@:G 037<5 you were offered and =4 you senselessly E=93< C> B= B63 A=C<2 167:2@3< A7<57<5con/B B63 tinueA16==: to throw around withE6716 :=1/: @756Bkettle <3FB bells 2==@ B= =C@ 6=B3: impunity,A=yet still you 6=<3AB:G expect your shoulder A=C<232 1CB3 7B E/A 3<=C56 B= to heal? even recommended to a57D3 phys;/93 G=CI E33> <2332 >/@3<BAyou E=C:2 iotherapist youBC@<32 did exactly the same/i.e.

B637@ 972A /::and <3/B:G =CB 7< C<74=@;A :74B nothing would allow your body to B= A16==: that =< B637@ A1==B3@A A=;3B7;3A BE=bene=@ fit from treatment was receiving B6@33 /B /the B7;3 /<2 B637@it 7<<=13<B A;7:7<5or4/13A recover from injury causing pain.1:=5 E3@3 / >C@3 8=Gthe 3@B/7<:G 03/BA you ;C;A Surely doesn’t take a genius see=44A>@7<5 why a 57<5 C> it=C@ @=/2A 7< =@23@ B= 2@=>to B637@ full/Brecovery has to elude you? =44 /; 7< B63continued >=C@7<5 @/7< ;7AA B63 1=<AB/<B B==B7<5 =4 1/@ 6=@<A 2= By the way, it may just beE/G relevant while BJA <3D3@ 7< /< /55@3AA7D3 :793 7B that 7A 63@3 7< you were Goa A/G7<5 for two Iweeks, you weren’t :756BG BJAin A7;>:G /; 63@3J actually throwing kettlebells about /:A= ;7AA B63 B@/4471 E6716 0CAG /A 7Bthree E/A times every week, and 031/CA3 your shoulder /:E/GA 1=<AB/<B:G 4:=EA 2@7D3@Awas :34B B= allowed time to475C@3 repairB67<5A and rest.

B637@ =E<some 23D713A 1/< =CB $=B :793 =D3@ 63@3 E63@3 E3J@3 <=B 3D3< /::=E32 B= B67<9 Whether you/<2 follow advice or 4756B7<5 do your/5/7<AB rehab 4=@ =C@A3:D3A E3J@3 4=@3D3@ work is your own business. But what @3AB@71B7=<A annoyed so much that you =/ 7A B63me 6/7@73AB >:/13is 6/D3 3D3@stated @3<B32in /a very public forum that bloke from Goa A1==B3@ /<2 G=C B@C:G 2= the <332 B= 6/D3 G=C@ E7BA was “better than any=<:G physio had been /0=CB G=C 0CB 7BJA B63 E/G you B= B@/D3: *<:3AA treated locally”./ '=G/: <473:2 C::3B B6/B G=C 67@3 by G=C@A3:D3A 7A /:B6=C56 =<:G ;/</532 B= A7B This is unfair and I might =< A=;3=<3 3:A3 A I felt <=Einsulted.

0C7:B 7< <27/ /<2 not B63 be a physio, but I0@/<2 am a7<professional =:23AB ;=B=@1G1:3 B63 E=@:2 and I rate my2347<7B3:G treatments highly.

I put bothE/A<JB my =/ 7A / >:/13 E=@B6 D7A7B7<5 heart and E7B6 my hands into every2=<JB client I treat 7;>@3AA32 %:2 =/ ;7<2 3D3< D7A7B and I have a lot success treating 16C@163A 7< had :756BG A=ofB6/B E/A 13@B/7<:G <=B 4=@ people who also actively participate in their recovery and put in the work outside of their treatments with me.

You have not had the ‘Hands of God’ laid on you. There is no miracle cure to your ailments. Your healing process requires effort on your part too.

I think you should have stated that basically, you can’t be bothered with your rehab work, you are looking for a ‘miracle cure’, and that you’re also a bit p *** ed off that those of us right here in Chelmsford couldn’t quite manage that for you. ;3 /<2 /; AC@3 B6/B E7:: =/ /5/7< 74 G=CJ:: In my defense, I admit that IE=<JB am the 3F1CA3 B63 >C< readers, E6716 G=C >@=0/0:G world’s worst 7A for1C@@3<B:G not doing7<as told and am <3E /7@>=@B B63I’m >@=13AA =4 I037<5 aware my seeming inability to not conscien0C7:B /B of/0=:7; @756B <3FB B= B63 =:2 =<3 /<2 tiously doB6/B the A6=C:2 requiredA>332 rehabB67<5A work C> that’s been 6=>34C::G / 07B /A asked of0=B6 me (as regards ‘problem shoulder’ @35/@2A 3<B3@7<5 /<2my :3/D7<5 B63 1=C<B@G that’s been seemingly an age).

E6716 E/A /injured 07B =4 /for 07<2 -=CJD3 /:A= 5=B G=C@ +7A/ 1=ABA B= 4/1B=@ 7< CB However, by what I said about the Indian 63G /A JD3I stand A/72 =<13 G=CJ@3 B63@3 7B @3/::G 7A doctor, because to my he offered me03AB some /A 163/> /A 163/> 1/<mind 03 /<2 6/2 B63 exceedingly treatment. ;327C; @/@3first-rate AB3/9 JD3 3D3@ 6/2 7< ;G 3<B7@3 :743 A3@D32 B= ;3 /B /< =>3< /7@ @3AB/C@/<B I’ve also/;73JA just had 1/::32 7< my /5/scan /<2results 7B 1=ABback 0CB that ?C72 prove I have tearing my shoulder CAB 2=<JB 53Bextensive /A 23>@3AA32 /A ofB3<2 B= 53B muscles damage to my tendons too. Nice!

C>=< G=C@plus @3BC@< Please on... $ God " )‘LIKE’* The Edge. Go " "! facebook.com/theedgemagazine "" " % (! twitter.com/TheEdgeMag %' %% # " DO IT NOW! For "# Christ’s # $%*$ $sake, LIKE The Edge as no bugger $ !" & # else $ does. " $

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THE EDGE Chelmsford CM2 6XD 077 646 7 97 44 shaun@theedgemag.co.uk

The Edge 01245 348256

The Edge 198_The Edge 172.qxd 22/03/2013 17:02 Page 5

If you have been affected by Edna’s story, please dial...

Whatever happened to the old Pie-in-the-Face?

The wife was ‘lost’ in Emmerdale the other evening until it ended (thank God) and then a voiceover suddenly announced over the theme tune, “If you’ve been affected by Edna’s story...”

And I’m sitting there, spitting feathers until it’s my turn to grab the remote and we can watch something decent, like Sexcetera, and I’m thinking, ‘Yeah, but what if you haven’t been affected by Edna’s story?’

You know, what if you simply don’t give a shit?

WHAT DAMN WELL NUMBER DO YOU RING THEN? Come on, The Edge really wants to know, because if Edna’s done all her money on a stupid little pooch called Tootsie, for f ***’s sake, then that’s her look out, the dozy old coot.

Honestly, who thinks these damn storylines up?

They are complete and utter shite.

You just don’t tend to see a lot of it about any more, do you?

Here’s one though, sent in by Edge reader Amy Johnstone, of a prank her and her brother, Joe, played on their mum on Mother’s Day. Belter, isn’t it?

The sort of thing that proper sets you up for the rest of the day.

Looks like she didn’t see it coming either.

Hey, you know when you wind your car window down to accept a ticket from a car-park machine before you actually park? Well, that would be a prime opportunity to give someone a pie in the face as they simply wouldn’t be expecting it.

Or what about when you see these women in the middle of busy shopping centres having their eyebrows threaded (how odd is that?) and when the lady doing it has finished and passes the customer a mirror to take a look at the results, then hit ’em with a pie in the face.

It’s something that needs to be brought back.

How many times do we see things without really seeing what we’re seeing?

Take this FedEx logo, for example.

We’re ALL familiar with it, right?

Only The Edge had never, ever seen the arrow between the E and the X before.

Too subtle, or simply plain damn perfect?

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The Edge 198_The Edge 172.qxd 22/03/2013 17:02 Page 6

WHAT THIS PICTURE SAYS TO THE EDGE...

Duke Street. Tel: 01245 499114

Linda's rare artistic style is beginning to forge a powerful and prominent pathway in the photographic industry, leading all who view her creations into a fanatical world of stories and imagination. From photographs based on fairy tales, magic and heart-break to zombie apocalypses, superheroes and angels, her work is truly varied and in many respects extremely emotive.

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With a current on-line following of 4,000 Linda is able to share her work with a diverse audience at the simple click of a button - an opportunity she is truly grateful for. For her, there is nothing better than hearing the positive feedback on photographs that essentially she created for others to admire.

However, even negative or critical feedback is important to Linda, as it allows her to develop and grow as an artist without, of course, ignoring her own instincts and beliefs regarding her work.

Linda Blacker works with a trusted team of creative people which most regularly include make-up artists Ashleigh Bunce and Linda's older sister Michelle, as well as hair stylist Louise Plumb. Not only do they understand Linda's vision and direction, but more importantly, they bring their own unique ideas to the mix, along with their talents.

Sometimes, however, Linda likes to work alone with her model, which is exactly what happened where the image (above) is concerned. Katie Doran, a stunning 16 year old female currently undertaking her GCSE's, often ventures out on photo-shoots with Linda in order to help create both the weird and the wonderful. As a dancer, Katie is used to performing, so works effortlessly in front of the camera. On a cold winters day, Linda and

ALL CREATIVE ON PARKWAY”

Katie ventured out into Chelmsford to capture this stunning masterpiece.

The image is part of a series called ‘Lost Childhood’. As odd as the name may first appear, the composition is actually about letting go of the safety and magic of your very own childhood and recognising that you are now, in fact, an adult. If you look carefully, you can see the girl is holding a teddy bear in her left hand, and is also wearing ballet shoes.

The model's soft and gentle look against a harsher, industrial background, reflects the innocence and safety of youth being opened up to the intensity and reality of the harsh outside world of today.

On-line, Linda's description of this particular image is as follows....

“You know that moment when you realise you're not a kid anymore, and you have to grow up and live just like everyone else, in a world without the magic of your childhood?

That precise moment is why I shot this series.

But don't worry, there is still magic out there.... you just have to find it!”

Linda's aim is to continue to work hard, learn her craft and grow in the photographic industry, alongside the make-up artists, hair-stylists and models she works with. Linda hopes to explore many different aspects of photography, but will always seek to portray a story within each image so that the viewer has something more to dwell upon than just a pretty scene. Linda will not stop until her work is seen, published and enjoyed throughout the world, and even then her thirst for photography may not entirely be quenched.

www.alukshots.co.uk

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“SOMEONE’S DECIDED TO GET Linda Blacker ALUK is an up and coming UK photographer, born and raised right here in Chelmsford. Her work clearly has a unique style, intertwining fantasy and reality to create eye-catching, colourful results/twists. Quite surprisingly, her career only started two years ago in 2011, at the tender age of 19.

However, it soon became clear that wedding photography - the field that Linda was in at that time - was not her desired path, as her animated imagination required a far more theatrical approach.

shaun@theedgemag.co.uk

The Edge 198_The Edge 172.qxd 22/03/2013 17:40 Page 7

ALL ABOARD: PLATFORM 3 No, it’s not the third railway line supplying our beloved Chelmsford, but the latest café bar to hit the city, writes Gary Smith.

Platform 3 opened its doors only last month and was immediately welcomed as a venue that is passionate about good times, good wine and fresh food.

Situated neatly between the bus station and the railway tracks - literally less than a minutes walk from the train station - Platform 3 boasts two iconic wine barrels immediately outside it’s doors and offers a light, airy feel by day inside where customers can enjoy the likes of fresh sandwiches, jacket potatoes, light snacks and/or business lunches, accompanied by pleasant wines in a lovely relaxed atmosphere. And once the working day is done, guests can sample the excellent tapas’ menu whilst exchanging tales with friends and work colleagues.

Customers can expect a pre-order service between 11am and 12 midday for lunchtime eats, where often time is of the essence, as well as a takeaway service if you really are having to make do with lunch on the run.

But if you don’t make it out ’til 5pm, at least you can then benefit by ordering any 3 tapas from the menu for just £10 between 5pm and 7pm, which will hopefully dispel those early evening hunger-pangs. The bar definitely encourages out of office meetings and private parties and Platform 3 are naturally happy to assist in any special arrangements that may be required, even if it’s just to reserve you an area or a table to make your visit just that little bit more special.

By nightfall this luxurious bar envelopes your senses with much loved music, creating an overwhelming desire to indulge. Friday and Saturday evenings are particularly aimed at the over 25s, bringing about a warm, seductive feel with an unashamed association with enjoyment.

With this new style café/wine bar being open from 11am ’til 11pm weekdays and stretching ’til midnight on Fridays and Saturdays, Platform 3 is an ideal place to visit anytime, simply to relax, unwind, enjoy and connect.

In short: “The bar at Platform 3 has well and truly arrived” and what’s more it’s bang on time too!

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The Edge 198_The Edge 172.qxd 22/03/2013 17:41 Page 8

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Fitness 364 Health Club and Gym (previously Fitness First) is an independently owned Gym and Health Club located in Chelmsford near the town centre.

Fitness 364 provides a unique atmosphere and are aiming to become part of Chelmsford's community and landscape by providing a more individual approach to its members away from some of the larger more corporate gyms.

The new owners are planning to make a lot of changes to the club and update a lot of equipment.

For example - new studio sound systems so that the best group exercise classes can be delivered.

New machines for the gym and a ‘paint job’ are all on the cards too. However, there are some things that are staying the same; members can still enjoy a nice free tea or coffee whilst relaxing in our lounge area, socialising.

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CITIZEN CITIZEN

This month “And the Winner Citizen looks at is....” the forthcoming This 2013month, OscarCitizen a look at takes Ceremony onthis year’s Oscar winners Sunday 24th and notable winners February.

- and losers - from There are nine nominapast years. tions for Best Picture of The Oscar winners the year 2012 - the on were announced sameFebruary as last year.

24th and Indeedreaders this appears Edge mayto continue a fairly new Oscar trend for more recall that nominations Citizen as betweena1944 - 2008 just category five films were chosen predicted win in the top of best piceveryfor year. doubled to ten‘Life for 2009 - 2010 and ture AngThis Lee’s splendid Of Pi’. reducing nineon? (the Well, same as number as selected every How did to it get almost all readers will now top- film actually went to year know, betweenthe 1936 1943)award in 2011.

Ben Affleck’s excellent movie ‘Argo’ but perhaps Surely this doesn’t mean that there are more great films more was the fact that the30’s topand 6 early being satisfying made nowadays - a return to the awards werenot? evenly distributed between six of 40’s? Surely the ninedefinitely nominations In fact, not! for best film in a year when there wastoa Citizen bumper crop of great films, albeit It appears that a mixture of box office potenafter a fairly dismal summer selection. Perhaps tial between the nomination day and the ceremony itself the competing attractions of the Diamond and a relaxation in selection criteria is responsible for Jubilee, the Olympics and the Paralympics had this increasetoand Citizens view a half dozen nominasomething doinwith the paucity of decent new tions would be about right,September? as nine or ten is too many. films from July to early nominations for the 2012 Awards - to ItThe seems to Citizen that theAcademy equitable distribution give them their official6name - were on with, January of awards between of the bestmade 7 films 10th. As this‘Argo’, column‘Life is focussing on BestupPicture, alongside of Pi’ picking Best Citizen will comment in passing on the other Director foronly Ang Lee, Daniel Day-Lewis getting a much deserved and breaking Best Actor headline categories andrecord suggest that Daniel Day-Lewis gong for ‘Lincoln’ marvellous will achieve a recordand thirdthe Best Actor OscarJennifer for ‘Lincoln’ Lawrence Bestcategory Actress will for be thea quirky, and that thewinning Best Actress much clossuperb ‘Silver Playbook’ makingcoming up what er run thing withLinings the possibility of sentiment into is probably the topCitizen 4. would hope to see British play.

Nevertheless, Add to these Waltz actress Naomi Christoph Watts win for ‘The receiving Impossible’.Best Supporting Actor for ‘Django and the Five of the nominations for Best Unchained’ Picture have already Best Actress plaudit deservedly going to Anne played to cinemas across the UK with three of them Hathaway for ‘Les Miserables’ and of Citizen’s having been shown in most, if not all, cinemas following ‘Top 7’ only ‘Zero Dark Thirty’ missed out on a theiracclamation, release. Thesehaving are Ben excellent ‘Argo’; big toAffleck’s make do with sharing ‘TheBest Life of Pi’ from Ang Lee (the Oscar the Sound Editing title with the wining finest Director Bond of ‘Brokeback and the quirky and highly film since theMountain’) days of Sean Connery ‘Skyfall’ entertaining Linings Playbook’.

Citizen can ‘Silver only assume they each got an actual Despitestatuette being a regular seeing between Oscar on thecinemagoer, very first occasion an 40 and 50 has filmsbeen a year,shared Citizensince would 1968. have to confess that award Having at this year’s winners it isinperhaps the otherlooked two nominated films that appeared 2012 appropriate lookCitizen at pastiswinners passed it by! to In fact, not even and sure equally they ever enlightening to look Braintree at the films beat to see made it to Cineworld, - its they regular cinema of how each have fared the an Unlimited Card, choice (something to do with with having wonderful benefit hindsight. perhaps) - or even toofthe Odeon Chelmsford?

From Citizens perspective, onofathe Chelmsfordians often seem to itgetappears a better that choice number of occasions the nominated more esoteric and thoughtful‘also releases than some nearmovies’ have stood the test of time rather better by towns. than the actual winners, the most glaring recent The two films in question are ‘Beasts of the Southern example being in 1998 when ‘Shakespeare in Wild’ whose 9 year old star Quvenzhane Wallis is up for Love’ won ahead of ‘Saving Private Ryan’.

Best Actress and ‘Amour’, a French language filmbeen starIn some years - like this one - the field has ringgood 85 year Emmanuele Rive who has ahave similar so thatoldany of the final five would nomination.

Eat your heartFor outexample, Naomi Watts and smile been a worthy winner. in 2008 magnanimously if (or when) either‘Slumdog of them wins! when, while a worthy winner, Citizen, as iscould its usual to see these but will Millionaire’ wellhabit, havewants succumbed to any of its rivals have - ‘The of Benjamin probably to Curious either go Case to London or wait for them to Button’; ‘Milk’ ‘The itReader’ come out‘Frost/Nixon’; on Sky Box Office to or achieve - not thatand no oneare could have complained. either actually expected to win.

Conversely, years of nine from At the time of last writing this field column, three movies, of the remaining which ‘Thepictures Artist’ emerged nominated have yet tovictorious, be releasedwould in the all, UK, in Citizens mind, been beaten by any of not while the fourth ‘Leshave Miserables’ is only just out and this six biggest winners, astowell by and a lot seenyear’s yet because ‘Mrs Citizen’ wants seeas it too of former ‘non winners’ from past years, some of has been far too busy of late! But Citizen is very much which we will examine in more detail here. looking forward to it, having both thesince stage1934 musiThe Oscars began in the seen 1920s and cal version moreevery unique ‘in concert’ performthey have and beentheheld year, including ance at the Chelmsford in Highlands Park throughout World WarSpectacular II when, with a few notable in August 1997 many of of nominations the famous stage perexceptions, thewhen majority were of a formers of ‘Les from botha the End and war theme, or Mis’ set against warWest background, Broadway turned up for this event. such as ‘Casablanca’, thesplendid winner one-off in 1943.

That is The remaining threeeven Oscarbynominated films Citizenand also such a great film today’s standards doesn’t the gaming has table where intends tothe seescene beforeatthe ceremony taken placethe camera from the hands of Rick no doubtpans these up have already been seen by the Edge’s (Humphrey Bogart) to see him nonchalantly light

estimable New York correspondent!

aThese cigarette suggest thatThirty’ this was inspiration include ‘Zero Dark fromthe Kathryn Bigelow for opening shot offame Sean Connery as James (shethe of the ‘Hurt Locker’ - winner in 2009) a film Bond in ‘Dr No’?and killing of Osama Bin Laden. about the capture The war Quentin films came in the‘Django succeeding years Thenbig there’s Tarantino’s Unchained’. when Allied Victory had achieved and This isthe about bounty hunters in been the Wild West from the such greatsofas ‘From African Here to Eternity’ (1953), perspective a former American slave and ‘The Bridge on the River Kwai’ (1957) and stars Jamie Foxx and Leonardo DiCaprio. Citizen ‘Patton’ (1970) all won. always wants to enjoy a Tarantino movie - if only The last WW2 film for win best picture came in because he‘Schindler’s shares a birthday the director, 1993 with List’,with by which time albeit war Quentin is rightly somewhat younger. aHowever, Citizen has to films had developed conscience and confess to not being an out and fan. were prepared to confront theout atrocities of war The same be said of Steven Spielberg whose somecannot of its attendant activities. and ‘Lincoln’conflicts is the third of the soon toheavily be released Other have featured sincefilms andand in one ofthe the Vietnam favouritesWar to win.

1978 film ‘The Deer Hunter’ with Robert DeNiro Christopher Spielberg, who Citizenand believes to be the Walken’s greatest film disturbing Russian Roulette game ahead Director since David Lean, had to wait -forwon 18 years after Home’ starring Voight as Picture a of the‘Coming nomination of ‘Jaws’ (1975)Jon to win a Best severely Vietnam veteran having award withinjured ‘Schindler’s List’ (1993) and to dateamazing this is sex withone Jane Fonda. the only of his films to win Best Picture, with the To return to notable from previous aforementioned, along losers with ‘Raiders of the Lostyears, Ark’ Citizen has Color selected several compare.

(1981); ‘The Purple’ (1985)to, ‘Saving Private A famous loser which has since consistently Ryan’ (1998); ‘Munich’ (2005) and ‘War Horse’ (2011) topped many people’s lists of the best film of all all being nominated, but ultimately missing out. time is ‘Citizen Kane’ (one source, but not the Leanone, was often similarly piped to the post, only for this correspondent’s nombeing de nominated 6 times andWelles’ winningmasterpiece just twice for ‘Bridge on the plume!).

Orson was beaten River in Kwai’ (1957) and ‘Lawrence Of Arabia’ (1962). It back 1941 by ‘How Green Was My Valley’. is amazing, that likeTV Spielberg several of That staplebut of true, Christmas ‘It’s A Wonderful Lean’s most winofthe coveted Life’ lost outenduring to ‘The films Beatdidn’t Years Our Lives’title. in Citizenonly has atrynotion that for perhaps Mryour Spielberg is des1946, looking that in double issue Times next and festive season! tined toRadio win just one more therefore tie with Mr Another Christmas favourite Lean’s tally - the question being,‘The will itSound be this of year?

Music’ wellnot beas deemed a worthy winner Citizen may suspects the astonishing ‘Life Of Pi’ is from beatto‘Doctor surely1965, going except to be theit one beat in aZhivago’, very strongstill field Citizen’s allothers, time favourite in its perfrom whichnumber any oneone of the and in particular sonal top‘Argo’, 10 films, and directed, of course, by ‘Lincoln’, ‘Silver Linings Playbook’ and, possibly David Lean, who(from untilwhat Stephen and, ‘Zero Dark Thirty’ CitizenSpielberg hears) could also possibly, Martin Scorsese was in Citizen’s view be worthy winners. the greatest film director of all time (although ‘Life Of Pi’ - whose trailer severely undersells the film in perhaps nowadays Citizen will concede a tie Citizen’s view couldofnotthem). possibly have been made between the -three without extensive of CGI,itbut thissurprise fact should not, Four years later,use in 1969, may some and probably won’t, prevent it winning ultimate people that ‘Butch Cassidy and thethe Sundance accolade Academy. scenes itatwas sea with Kid’ didn’tfrom winthe best picture,The because up our eponymous hero, the young in afavourite small lifeboat against Citizen’s number 2 allPi, time with a tigerCowboy’ rejoicing in the unlikely Richard ‘Midnight starring Jon name Voightofand Dustin Hoffman ‘X’ rated film toatwin.

Parker, are- the bothfirst fanciful and realistic the same time, Ityetisnever Citizen’s considered less than gripping opinion to behold.that had Dustin Hoffman continued to make films offorthe So there you have Citizen’s prediction thisquality year’s of his and mid-career performances, from Bestearly Picture award at the Oscars.

‘The Graduate’ (a loser 1967 to ‘In The Heat of The ceremony itself, beinginheld in late February, is after The Night’) to ‘Rainmonth’s Man’ (the 1988 BP winner) the deadline of next issues, so Citizen will and including the way President’s bravely return toalong the subject in its‘All AprilThe column to see if Men’ (unfortunately beaten in 1976 by no less its prediction came true, and at the same time take a than ‘Rocky’) and ‘Kramer vs Kramer’ (BP in look at he pastmight Best Picture and,as perhaps equally 1979) now bewinners regarded the greatest enlightening, someInstead, of the films theyhappened? beat to see how actor of all time. what (‘Meet they Fockers’ have faredfor with the wonderful benefit of hindsight.

The example!)

For example, was ‘Shakespeare really better Jon Voight, already mentionedInaLove’ couple ofatimes film than ‘Savingso, Private Ryan’ in 1998? and justifiably as his output was at one time Finally, despite ourand editor’s somewhat disparaging very impressive, never more so than in comments in the January issue latest James 1972’s ‘Deliverance’ (the onlyabout goodthefilm Burt Reynolds ever made?) which was one of adelighted Bond film, Citizen would personally have been strong also- the included ‘Cabaret’ (World to havefield seenthat ‘Skyfall’ best Bond film since War II in song, butand tastefully done, as opposed ‘Goldfinger’ (1964) ‘Thunderball’ (1965) - nominat-to the hilarious musical version of ‘The ed for best picture and not just getting twoProducers’). technical However, ‘Cabaret’ nominations‘Deliverance’ and a further and two for its music,perhaps including never stoodand a chance as they ofwere up song. against Best Score Adele’s rendition the title what is many peoples favourite fim of all time (and Citizen’s number 3) ‘The Godfather’ the sequel to which (‘Godfather Part II’) won two Errata:later Lastand month’s column on ‘Press Freedom’ said: years is still the only follow-up movie to “...should ‘Hacked Off’, the others organisation to which do so, beating amongst ‘Jaws’, a verymany journalists belong.

This was a production error which worthy potential winner in most other years. should have read: “...should ‘Hacked Off’, the organisaSo is the best picture always the best picture? tion to which many belong,” these being the No, probably not .ofInthese the final analysis, like other members of theit’spubic and celebrities who are seeking things in life, all down to one persons view as tighter statutory controls the on journalism and, as such, is opposed to anothers, formidable Hollywood promotional machine and many, carefully orchestrated not an organisation to which if any journalists, cinema belong. release dates!

The Edge 01245 348256 The Edge 01245 348256

The Edge 198_The Edge 172.qxd 22/03/2013 17:06 Page 9

Over 9million You-Tube ‘views’ So Ladies, you must have seen the latest blockbuster from Guy Ritchie to hit the screens, asks Jennie Davies?

No, I’m not talking about gangster movies. I’m talking about Beckham’s mini movie ad for H&M clothing, featuring none other than the very heartthrob himself and, might I add, wearing little more than a skimpy pair of khaki boxer shorts.

OK, so if you haven’t yet seen it, I’m pretty sure that you may well be awfully tempted to log on to YouTube and search for this little gem of an advert which certainly caught my attention, I have to say.

In the ad, the football superstar-come-male-model is very unfortunate (fortunately for the rest of us) to have a monstrosity of an incident involving getting his bathrobe caught in the door of his Range Rover (presumably driven by Posh) as his kids are taken to school through the L.A. hills.

This all leads to a very entertaining cross country excursion with Becks chasing the vehicle as he’s also been locked out of his house. Beginning with a cheeky tweak of his shorts to ensure that everything is securely positioned, he then embarks on a race of time, leaping over fences that separate gardens, running through hedges and, much to his neighbour’s disbelief, even managing a quick length in a swimming pool, all done ever so tastefully to a backing track of the irony oozing ‘Don’t Stop! Don’t Stop!’ - particularly seeing as ‘the main man’ is a whirr of perpetual motion.

There’s even a scene where he races through a courtyard of children wearing only his teeny-weeny underpants and a pair of white ‘hotel like’ slippers.

Naturally he manages to intercept a football and score a spectacular goal on route.

Only he doesn’t quite catch up with Posh and the kids and as he stands panting for breath in their wake as the Range Rover disappears around yet another bend in the road, a busload of Japanese tourists appears, take one look at the megastar and quickly have their cameras at the ready.

This video clip is gaining more and more views just as quickly as Beckham’s bathrobe is being ripped from his overly tattooed arms/torso. However, as a result, no doubt H&M’s sales will be really on the up, only I wonder whether that will mean more and more women are buying their fellas underwear from the ‘David Beckham Collection’ in the hope that their other halves may vaguely resemble his finely sculptured bod and ultra pert buttocks, or will it be guys purchasing in the hope that perhaps a flash of the ‘DB’ brand will offer them far more luck than their current M&S undies are offering?

What’s also been well documented is the fact that David vehemently denies that a ‘bottom double’ was used in the filming of this commercial.

So you’d better get working on those butt-cheeks, guys, as I’m pretty sure the underpants won’t do it for you alone!

Editor’s Comment Hmmmmmm, well he may not have used a ‘butt double’ in the commercial for H&M, but I was under the distinct impression that ‘Young David’ had already admitted to enhancing his (ahem) ‘front pouch’ in some of his underwear promotional shots.

In fact, I can almost swear he confessed all on one of his appearances on the Parkinson show?

So can any of you readers either confirm of dispel such myths?

What’s more, have any of you guys out there ever put a pair of socks down the front of your Y-fronts before a night out, or down the front of your Speedo’s to help pad them out a bit whilst you were on the beach on holiday? shaun@theedgemag.co.uk

www.theedgemag.co.uk

Page 9

The Edge 198_The Edge 172.qxd 22/03/2013 17:07 Page 10

Should have gone to

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Page 10

One likes the Six Nations rugger; good honest souls bashing themselves senseless to and fro, with a nice juicy medieval battle sub-plot.

A gap-toothed commoner gleaning amidst a frosty February afternoon, his broad thighs bursting through tiny uncomfortable looking shorts.

Moore spouting nonsense about the scrum and a wonky feed.

Everyone on the lefty Beeb giving the impression they don’t want the English to win: “Oh, I’m terribly sorry for being the larger and frankly superior nation...you were right, we were wrong, blah blah.”

Then the ruddy Welsh pipe up and spoil one’s whole rugger party with the chaps from the shoot. Where even is Wales?

And why are these leeky twerps allowed some cheap pyrotechnics before their games start, leaving our poor chaps to wait five minutes in the frost, hounded by 80,000 foaming mouthed, hostile supporters. Of course, being English, and having to apologise for the generational containment of the Celts, our lads are forced to react plain-faced whilst a paper-mashe dragon takes a piss on a knight a minute before kick off (metaphorically speaking).

Can this be fair?

Next time we have the Taffs down at Twickers we should respond accordingly with a dramatisation of the systematic and downright necessary closure of the mining industry of the 1980s, with Ken Branagh playing the lead. We could even wheel out Lady Margaret as a symbol of stoic superiority.

We’ll even roll out the carpet for ‘em apologetically. Can somebody tell the Gentleman why?

Not to mention the fact that everyone in Wales goes utterly berserk over one single victory, as if beating the good old English is the B and bloody END all - although I suppose it bloody well is. It sort of reinforces the small nation mindset - Wales wouldn’t even make the top five of our sporting rivals; the Huns, the Frogs, the Convicts etc.

Overlooked. That’s what Wales are and have been for centuries.

Well, in this instance, my rare Welsh cousins, I shall shed some light - the English occasionally allow you a victory in a second rate commoner sport simply to keep the carrot swinging. It helps to keep another vote for ‘independence’ at bay.

Yet one bloody victory and everyone here hops on the bandwagon too. One saw enough red jerseys in Chelmsford yesterday to think there was nobody left in Wales

(who can blame them). If it’s so ruddy green, Delilah, why don’t you just piss off back there?

One’s twitter feed - yes one is /:9J?with ?3496 ?3,?J> current - was@?gushy faux B Welsh wannabes. Carol Vorderman, who The Gentleman used to think was a bit of a dish (albeit dangerously educated) starts spouting off about what a great win for “her Wales” it was.

She kept that bloody quiet. Can’t imagine Whiteley would have allowed that to slip - ‘one from the top and three from anywhere else, you daft sheep shagger’.

Can’t we give them a badge, or something, when they head over the M4 bridge for ruddy FREE? For anyone who doesn’t know, it’s about £5.40 - or some other stupid denomination - to actually get into Wales, even though we paid for the bloody thing. And to make matters even worse, Robbie Savage (formerly of Leicester City ‘fame’) also starts rubbing it in, and he’s got about as much Welsh lineage as The Gentleman has. Oh, and cut your ruddy ponytail off, you ruddy great jessie.

Aside from all that, the referee was clearly and blatantly biased, stringently applying the rules when it suited.

But like a good, solid Englishman, one takes defeat defiantly on the chin and we all move on.

Paddy’s Day Where The Gentleman’s toleration gets slightly stretched is with the obsession for stout and a knees-up for St. Patrick’s Day. One always boycotts the pubs in town that make a song and dance over the patron of a nation one has no connection with. Don’t remember St. George’s Day getting as much limelight, because we can’t celebrate good old England any more.

In fact, the only part of our nation that is clear to recognise us by is that we apologise for our great past.

Where’s our referendum on whether we want to keep the Scots in the Union?

That’s our answer to everything.

Let the people vote. Thankfully, it worked in the Malvinas. We’ll just have to let the Argies beat us at rugby now as well as football, just to keep them sweet too.

Oh how the world has changed for the English Gentleman, and not for the better.

Why must we consciously and subconsciously keep apologising, rather than simply be bursting with pride? I sit and muse...

The Edge 01245 348256

The Edge 198_The Edge 172.qxd 22/03/2013 17:48 Page 11

NO TOOLS ARE KEPT IN THIS VEHICLE OVERNIGHT! ‘Ah, right,’ thinks the would be tea leaf, ‘then there’s really no point in me wasting my time and energy breaking the back doors of this van open if there’s bugger all inside it.’

Is that honestly the effect one of these stickers is supposed to have?

Or is it meant to put the would be half incher into a bit of a dilemma, as in offering him some ill needed doubt, in so far as he ends up thinking: ‘Should I? Shouldn’t I?’ before wandering off to break into a van that has a sign on the back saying that tools are definitely kept in it overnight.

Tut. It’s just plain daft as there’s really no point in attempting to enter mind games with an habitual criminal.

Another sign that well and truly infuriates The Edge are those in the back windows of cars that say: ‘Child On Board’.

And...???

Your point being???

CARL WALSH? I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve been mistaken for a bloke called Carl Walsh whenever I pull into Sainsbury’s.

Funny thing is, they never ask for Carl by just his christian name; it’s always the Full Monty; the full Carl Walsh.

To top it all, just this last Sunday, I’d actually spent an hour or so doing that Sunday morning ting - washing my damn motor - and boy did it need it. Then I turns up at Saino’s in it, the bodywork shining like a doberman’s bell-end (or a brand new penny, whichever analogy sits more comfortably) and before I’d even slammed my driver’s door, I hear, “Carl? Hey, Carl. Carl Walsh? You wanna Car Wash?”

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“Let’s get one bloody thing crystal clear, shall we?” says I, gritting my teeth. “My name is Shaun bleedin’ Wild, NOT Carl bleedin’ Walsh, and NO, I don’t wanna car wash on account of the fact that I’ve just spent part of my bleedin’ Sunday morning washing the damn thing myself!”

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So next time anyone asks YOU whether you’re Carl Walsh, readers...

A Man in a High Visibility Jacket Thinking about adding extra space to your property, but not sure where to start?

Then give GPO Designs a call and let the bloke below work with you to develop your ideas and help you plan your dream home. Mike Otter specialises in drawing up building plans, applying for planning permission and/or building regulations approval for extensions, loft and garage conversions, garden rooms, conservatories and all home refurbishments.

GPO Designs provide a professional design service starting with an initial consultation at your property where you can talk things through and develop ideas. Measurements and photographs are taken to allow accurate plans to be drawn up, and to help you visualise your ideas, GPO also produce a computer generated visualisation (otherwise known as an artists impression) of the overall design. Mike will also communicate with you throughout the design process and only once you are completely happy with everything will he then submit plans to the Local Authority.

GPO’s aim is to provide a high quality service at the best possible price.

They provide fixed rates for all of their services and these can be found on their website: www.gpodesigns.co.uk So whether you are looking to add an extension or a garden room, or whether you want a loft or garage conversion, call Mike (or the less visible George) for a free no obligation quotation on 01245 835855. Or visit GPO’s website for further details of their full range of services. They're available 7 days a week and offer daytime and evening appointments to suit.

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Page 11

The Edge 198_The Edge 172.qxd 22/03/2013 17:50 Page 12

David Sherman’s

BEVERAGE REPORT JUMPING ON THE BANDWAGON

BELL-END DISCOVERED ON IRONS CLUB CREST

For Christ’s sake, Bobby Moore, Geoff Hurst and Martin Peters used to wear the famous claret and blue of West Ham. But if you’re after some serious local football news, readers, then turn to page 20.

Page 12

So, George Osborne claims to have reduced tax on beer. That, of course, is not entirely true, as will be explained, but that is at least what he claims to have done. The actual fact is that he has scrapped the beer duty escalator and reduced alcohol duty on beer by what will broadly amount to a penny per pint.

What he fails to mention, however (at least in the same context) is that VAT on all products, including beer, will be going up. So, in fact, beer will be taxed at a higher rate than previously, not a lower rate as has been much publicised.

What is the reasoning behind this change of direction, whereby beer will no longer be put up year-on year by more than the rate of general inflation (although we’ll wait ’til next year to see if that trend continues)? CAMRA and the British Beer & Pub Association, to name but two prominent organisations, have been appealing for years for this to end, yet have got nowhere. So what has suddenly changed?

The build-up to this year’s budget has seen The Taxpayers Alliance taking issue with the beer-duty escalator.

They’ve produced a poster saying “1/3 of the price of your pint is tax”, or words to that effect - a gross oversimplification, but I’ll stop there on that one. Much as you might think I might welcome the involvement of another high-profile organisation in this campaign, in their particular case, I don’t. I don’t welcome it anymore than I welcomed the BNP using alcohol taxation as a campaigning point. The presence of organisations such as those in this debate is counterproductive because it implies a hidden agenda. Such organisations use other people’s campaigns for their own ends, rather than because they believe in the campaign in and of itself. The issue with the BNP is obvious; the issue with the TPA perhaps requires some explanation.

The main problem is that the TPA doesn’t actually believe in lowering alcohol tax. Or, more generously, any members who do believe they want lower tax on beer lack either the time or the intellect (or both?) to think the matter through. Organisations such as the TPA are in fact one of the main reasons that alcohol tax is so high in the first place.

There are two reasons for that. The first is that they are part of a more general movement to reduce the proportion of the governmental budget taken directly from people’s income from the profits of businesses, and thereby to increase the proportion raised by taxes on saleable products and services. It’s headed by wealthy businessmen (and women) who wish to promote the myth that the best interests of the population at large are served by transferring the cost burden from those who can most afford it to those who can least afford it.

The second, laughably, is that the

leading lights of The Taxpayers Alliance make every effort to pay as little tax as possible. It’s rather incongruous to find that many of the country’s least enthusiastic payers of tax have banded together under such a name. It is like finding out that the Vegetarian Society was set up by people who think they’re entitled to the name because they occasionally have a couple of lettuce leaves with their steak, or that the Boys’ Brigade is composed of girls who occasionally wear trousers. This whole-hearted avoidance of tax by the wealthy is, of course, one of the main reasons that tax levels are so high, be it on pay, property or pints.

The hidden agenda of the TPA in this argument is, therefore, to persuade ordinary working people that the TPA is on their side. Nothing could be further from the truth. What they’re actually part of is a movement towards the exploitation of ordinary workers for minimal wages, followed by the transfer to them of the burden of taxation from those wages, capped by the expectation that they will pay an even higher proportion of their wages on products on which indirect taxation, such as alcohol duty, is payable.

We’ve seen this kind of thing before, of course. For the last forty years or so, it’s been popular to claim that reducing the level of taxation for the wealthy encourages economic growth and that the wealth so created will then ‘trickle down’ to the rest of us. But since that philosophy has taken hold, around 7% of GDP has disappeared from wages and been absorbed into corporate profit. In other words, the people who have been working to create greater profits for companies have subsequently been deprived of the due reward for their efforts. The wealth has, in fact, ‘trickled up’ from the people who need it most to the people who need it least. And those same people who have been campaigning for lower taxes then refuse to pay them on a fair basis and subsequently campaign for them to be lower still. It is notable that George Osborne has persistently ignored the evidence that increased beer taxation affects the incomes, expenditures and livelihoods of millions of ordinary people in this country, but as soon as a bunch of greedy millionaires starts complaining about the very same thing, he does something about it.

TPA would no doubt say that they support lower taxation on all things, but that simply won’t wash if they’re trying to get beer drinkers on board. Lower tax requires savings, and we all know that those on the receiving end of the cuts they advocate will be the same as those who’ve made up for the shortfall created by tax avoidance in the past -those who can afford it least, like the ordinary beerdrinking, pub-going worker whose side they pretend to be on.

The Edge 077 646 797 44

The Edge 198_The Edge 172.qxd 22/03/2013 17:52 Page 13

Spirit Exercise Lifestyle Food Genuine health and wellbeing does not, cannot and will never come in the form of a pill, writes Christian O’Hare of Self Holistic Health and Sports Performance, newly opened in the railway arches just by Chelmsford Bus Station.

As a Holistic Health Practitioner for a number of years, I have tracked a number of illnesses, aches and pains that seem to occur with alarming frequency and consistency. The short list includes: n Chronic Neck/Shoulder/Back pains n Constipation n Weight Gain n Digestion problems such as gas, bloating & indigestion n General Fatigue n Depression, mood swings and poor sleep n Frequent bouts with the flu or colds n Decreased sex drive These symptoms may not appear related at first glance, but they become even more puzzling when you run into the various combinations people experience - such as,for example, chronic neck pains, constipation and decreased sex drive. What could such a combination?

Modern western medicine has really thrown the towel in when it comes to dealing with the causes of chronic symptoms, let alone finding a connection amongst them. It’s much easier for a doctor to prescribe an anti-inflammatory, a laxative, and Viagra. The problem, of course, is that while these drugs may take care of the symptoms, the person taking them is forever chained to their medicine. Until we learn to address the causes, we’re simply masking our symptoms.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard people argue that it’s just easier to take a pill and forget about it. But because pills don’t address the root causes - which are the constant, excessive stresses that trigger our fight or flight systems - they can never give us the freedom of true health.

The cause of symptoms is Life Stresses. Whether they’re physical, emotional, mental or spiritual, regardless of the origin, they work much the same way and can result in lower back pains, weight gains and constipation. We simply need to learn how to manage them properly and when we do, they provide us with opportunities to become more healthy human beings.

The main stumbling block to genuine health and happiness that most of us face in our lives is that we have no one to help us understand how to manage the different sources and kinds of stresses that we increasingly experience.

The approach I share is simple... ...but that doesn’t necessarily mean it is easy to do.

For further information, simply pop by the arches!

www.theedgemag.co.uk

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01245 354465 info@selfonline.co.uk line.co.uk www.selfonline.co.uk www

Page 13

The Edge 198_The Edge 172.qxd 25/03/2013 16:30 Page 14

ROOM 101 Do you ever watch that Room 101 programme on TV and wonder what you’d put in there?

I do.

But you can’t state the bleedin’ obvious, can you? You’ve got to come up with something that’s just a little bit different.

So, every Saturday morning at the breakfast bar at ‘Edge Towers’, I rustle up some boiled eggs and soldiers for me and the wife. Or maybe I’ll poach a couple of eggs. Or possibly scramble some. Mmmmm, you can’t beat scrambled eggs on toast with HP sauce, can you?

However, the bane of my life is the bloody umbilical cords; I honestly hate ’em.

I hate the way they look. I hate the way I have to pull them through my two front teeth when I’m eating boiled eggs.

So when I’m doing poached or scrambled eggs I make sure I remove all the umbilical cords before cooking.

Do any of you readers do the same as me?

The umbilical cord’s not harmful and I guess it’s tasteless. It’s just the consistency of the damn thing. It’s so very ugh/yuk. www.umbilicalcords.com

EDGE CLASSIFIED ADS

Eventually managed to get rid of that poxy £1,300 Credit Note from Floors-2-Go, but had to make do with £725 and an Indian chappy driving down from Birmingham to pay me in cash.

Now then, to put this into some kind of perspective, have you ever walked out into the middle of Parkway, during rush-hour, on an exceptionally windy day, and literally thrown £575 into the air in used £20, £10 and £5 notes, knowing that you will never ever see any of them again?

No, thought not.

But that’s precisely what I may as well have done, because that’s precisely what’s happened.

I even got a solicitor involved, but it was futile, possession being nine-tenths of the law and all that (i.e. Floors-2-Go had my money).

Christ, I was really angry about it when it first became apparent that they weren’t going to refund me my hard-earned.

But then you resign yourself to thinking that you might even lose the whole lot, so when someone comes along with £725 in their hand, you tend to snap it off.

I would never deal with that company again though. Never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever. You getting my drift, readers?

Look, let me put it like this: they appear on the inside of the back page (page 31), they only cost £25 + VAT per insertion/edition/month but the golden rule is that you’ve simply GOT TO STICK WITH IT/THEM, yeah?!

You honestly can’t expect sales/orders/enquiries when all you’ve appeared in is one or two editions of the mag - surely you get that?

Advertising simply doesn’t work like that.

You have to speculate to accumulate.

And if you’re sure that a publication’s got a decent and dedicated readership, like The Edge has, then for God’s sake stop poncing about and stick with it; it’s honestly the only way it’ll pay dividends, ever!

The fact is that every single one of The Edge’s longer term classified advertisers have ALL - bar none - found themselves in a ‘plus situation’ financially when they’ve kept their advertisements running.

So think on!

Beaulieu Park Housewives Me and Lengthy-Boy have acquired the websites www.beaulieuparkhousewives.com (and .co.uk) but as yet we haven’t done a damn thing with them.

So, can any of you Beaulieu Park housewives up there help us out?

What we need to help get the site off the ground are some recent photographs (obviously your faces can be blackened out) and details of what you actually get up to during the daytime when you’re not drinking white wine and staggering about in your high heels.

Come on, fill The Edge in!

You get people in to clean your houses for you and you’re all fairly affluent, so what is it that you do with yourselves to wile away the time?

And if it’s genuinely nothing out of the ordinary, hell, then just make your lifestyles up instead!

PARENTS HELP FIRST-TIME BUYERS According to new research, first-time buyers are increasingly relying on their parents to help them purchase their first home. Around 16% have either borrowed or were given money by family towards the initial deposit, whilst 10% are buying their property in some form of joint purchase with their family. Around 8% will rely on the family entirely to cover the associated costs, such as stamp duty and furniture.

Jo Williams - Director

However, the current publicity around shrinking pensions makes some parents consider more creative ways of helping their children without denting their retirement pot by mortgaging their own home. In addition, there are other options: • Guarantor mortgages - About 20% of firsttime buyers use their parents to guarantee their mortgage payments from the parents’ income, although a deposit is usually required as well.

Your INFORMATIVE Estate Agent

• Joint mortgage with parents - Whereby the parents income is taken into account in the loan multiples, similar to the way in which a couple might buy a property.

The age of the average first-time buyer is now

34, yet parents are still involved in helping their children take this crucial first step onto the property ladder. Fortunately, the institutions are becoming increasingly creative when it comes to mortgages that include some parental backing.

So whether you are a parent or a ‘grown-up’ child wanting to get onto the property ladder and you would like to discuss the options available to you, it’s always worth talking to a specialist mortgage advisor like myself, Joanne Williams.

The Home Partnership Mortgages is a trading style of The Home Partnership Ltd which is an appointed representative of Personal Touch Financial Services Limited, which is authorised and regulated by the financial services Authority.

We do not normally charge a fee for mortgage advice; however a fee paying option is available. Our typical fee is 0.35% of the loan.

YOUR HOME MAY BE REPOSESSED IF YOU DO NOT KEEP UP YOUR REPAYMENTS ON YOUR MORTGAGE.

www.thehomepartnership.co.uk 11 Duke Street, Chelmsford CM1 1HL Telephone: 01245 250222 Page 14

The Edge 077 646 797 44

The Edge 198_The Edge 172.qxd 22/03/2013 18:04 Page 15

Saturday 6th April Hey readers, if you never made it to the Cheltenham Festival (on the grounds that it’s so decidedly unEssex) but have always fancied watching the gee-gees, why not consider a trip out into the countryside to watch the High Easter Races on Saturday 6th April?

Hell, there’s even a fun fair for the kiddiwinkles.

The Edge has never even been to one of those Friday nights up at Newmarket yet, so can any readers enlighten the mag as to whether it’d be worth it, or not?

Apparently it’s an “undulating roughly kidney-shaped course with a couple of fairly stiff climbs and a back straight situated on an ancient water meadow so that the going is softer than on the higher ground along the finishing straight”.

I really fancy giving High Easter a whirl as it’s lovely out Hatfield Heath and Hatfield Broad Oak way.

Hope you’re still all following this nonsense?

So maybe I’ll see you there, readers....in me jodhpurs!

And what’s the dress code? Does one need to ponce about looking like Guy Ritchie - all tweeded up?

Which do you think offers the quickest commute into Chelmsford?

There’s no doubt that the roads into our new found City centre are becoming ever more jammed and this is causing problems for local commuters.

Parking charges are high, the traffic queues are long, so what do you do? What are the ways around it? Do you buy a moped, or possibly a scooter?

Or do you venture to ezriders - just around the corner from Chelmsford Audi - and consider the sensible option, which comes in the shape of a power-assisted bicycle?

“Aren’t battery-assisted bikes a bit

Motor: 250W Brushless gear motor &KDUJH WLPH 3-5 hours )UDPH 6061 Alloy 0DLQ IUDPH ZDUUDQW\ 5 years 6XVSHQVLRQ Front %UDNHV ) 5 Disk brakes Max speed: 15mph (using throttle, no pedalling) 5DQJH Up to 43 miles (pedal assisted), dependant on power level used, user weight, hills & weather. Throttle only use will reduce WKLV ȴ JXUH

www.theedgemag.co.uk

The advantages are that you can jump to the front of every queue without arriving at your chosen destination all hot and sweaty, due to the fact that you’re not responsible for generating all of the bicycles power.

Why not book a test-ride at ezriders now. Simply telephone David Sawyer on (01245) 463562.

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from:

EZ Riders, 7 Buckingham Court, Dairy Road, Dukes Park Ind. Estate, Chelmsford CM2 6XW

Erm, clearly you have not seen the ezriders range, many of which look identical to mountain bikes.

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The Edge 198_The Edge 172.qxd 25/03/2013 10:36 Page 16

Rea French Director

Kayleigh Nicholls Property Administrator

French & Hill NOW OPEN! There’s a brand new independent rental & property management company that’s recently opened in Chelmsford City centre, readers.

"After working in the lettings industry for several years, it became apparent to me that there was a need for a Rental & Property Management company providing a quality letting service, along with trusted tradesmen and landlords, offering both fair and competitive rates,” says Rea French.

“Landlords’ rates are continuing to rise, so we understand the importance of keeping our rates fare. We offer a variety of lettings packages starting from just £300 incl. of VAT.” French & Hill Letting Agents focus only on letting properties; thus dedicating all of their time and efforts to effectively and efficiently letting your property, if you’ve got one. “We offer a friendly, reliable and flexible service,” continues Rea, “therefore we are available for appointments six days a week between the hours of 7.00am - 8.00pm and between 9.00am 1.00pm on Sundays."

Visit French & Hill at 11 Wells Street, Chelmsford, CM1 1HX. To enquire about listing your property with French & Hill Letting Agents, please telephone 01245 355 155 And DON’T FORGET to quote ‘THE EDGE’ to receive 50% OFF!* www.frenchandhill.co.uk *Discount applies to managed services only

Page 16

Natasha & Victoria at the start of their recent Saturday night out in our CITY CENTRE, readers (arf). God only knows what state they ended up in by the end of it though...just so long as they still had their hob nail boots on and were still able to stagger safely home..

The Edge 077 646 797 44

The Edge 198_The Edge 172.qxd 25/03/2013 18:32 Page 17

Local Optician Swaps Contact Lenses for Conservation

Being more of a dog person, why I got involved in big cat conservation is a mystery to most people, writes James Bryan, but due to a series of personal events, that's exactly what I ended up doing.

I had a few health problems back in 2009 and on my doctor's orders had to stop working at my practice, James Bryan Opticians in The Meadows, Chelmsford. Not being the sort of person who is able to sit around and do nothing easily, I soon immersed myself in renovating my 18th century cottage in Suffolk. However, after I had done this, I was immediately at a bit of a loose end and soon looking for other things to do.

I had visited the Cat Survival Trust in Welwyn, Hertfordshire, a few times to photograph their rescued cats and had wanted to become more involved, but had never really had the time. Whereas now, with a couple of spare days a week, I volunteered my services to help out with office work as well as feeding and mucking out the cats.

The Cat Survival Trust was founded in 1978 by Dr. Terry Moore. Taking in unwanted stock from zoos and illegally kept cats from domestic situations, the Trust soon grew to house, at its peak, nearly 60 endangered cats, including jaguar, snow leopard, ocelot, tiger cat and Scottish wild cat, as well as many other species. In 1994, the Trust purchased 10,000 acres of pristine rainforest in Argentina and established a Provincial Park, recognised by the IUCN, and thereby protected the estimated 60 resident wild cats as well as over a million trees and their insects, mammals, birds, reptiles and amphibians that rely on the ecosystem. The Trust is currently raising funds to purchase a further 30,000 acres.

I soon became more involved in the workings of the Trust and found myself on dawn raids, accompanied by DEFRA officials and police wildlife welfare officers, all intent upon confiscating illegally kept cats that, if we did not offer them a home, would otherwise have been destroyed. I have relocated a snow leopard to a new zoo in Cumbria, where we met the new owner half way at the Hilton Park services on the M6, whilst trying not to attract too much attention as we moved a fully grown male (in a crate) from our van to theirs: however, we failed and caused a bit of a tail-back on the M6. Then last November, I accompanied Terry Moore to Sikkim in the North East of India where we gained approval to set up a captive breeding/release programme for snow leopards in and around their Kangchenzonga National Park in the Himalaya; the very first for this particular species.

Whatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s more, I also spent last Tuesday morning with His Highness Sheikh Mohammed bin Hamad Al Sharqi, the Crown Prince of Fujairah, at the Trust showing him our cats. We had helped him with a few health issues that some of his private collection of cats had been showing, and so whilst he was in the country he was intrigued to stop by. He is currently driving a project to establish protected areas and reintroduce the critically endangered Arabian leopard in the UAE. Thanks in no small part to the Trust, I have now recovered and am almost back to my full capacity at James Bryan Opticians, splitting my time between here and my wife's practice in Stanford Le Hope; but I still put aside a day or two each week to the Cat Survival Trust. www.theedgemag.co.uk

Page 17

The Edge 198_The Edge 172.qxd 25/03/2013 10:37 Page 18

Hey, readers, you know I’ve got a scooter, don’t you? Only it’s not what I would call a scooter-scooter, if you know what I mean. It’s not a Quadrophenia type scooter.

Desperados & Drinking Habits I can’t remember who introduced The Edge to Desperados, with its Tequila infusion and whole Mexican vibe (though actually brewed in The Netherlands), but I’m awfully glad they did.

Most of you have me pegged as an ale drinker, yet of late I’ve been all over the place. Even at the recent CAMRA beer festival I stuck mainly to Podge’s impressive bottled Belgian beers, rather than ale direct from the barrels.

And in Goa, hell, I even had to resort to Kingfisher lager, although served ice-cold they were an absolute godsend, it has to be said.

I guess it was when I came back from India that I decided to give myself a bit of a talking to. After drinking every single day over a two week period, you’ve got to concede that your liver probably does need a rest. So since then I’ve limited my drinking to Fridays and Saturdays, although if truth be known, I’m having to ‘force it down’ a bit on a Saturday, simply because it’s the second of the two days I allow me myself some alcohol (i.e. as much as I want).

Now tell me, how crazy is that?

The fact that I don’t really enjoy it so much on a Saturday as I’ve already made sure I’ve ‘had my fill’ the day before?

You see, on a Friday, after a long, lonely (I do get lonely doing my job, you know) week off the sauce, I absolutely adore it, and aside from ale and Desperados, I’ve also taken to drinking Aspall’s. Only then, once I’ve eventually staggered home, I’ll put the gogglebox on and flash through the channels until about 2:00am or 3:00am, accompanied by a bottle or red wine, which doesn’t really mix too well with cider (or Desperados), not if how I’m feeling the next day is anything to go by.

So really, what I should do is change my second and final ‘DDD’ (designated drinking day) to, say, a Wednesday.

Page 18

Only I like to feel compos mentis when I wake up for work during the week; always have and always will, I expect.

So why not drink just one day a week then?

Say n’more

Whaaaaaaaaat?!?!?!

I think those of us who, for whatever reason, ‘like a drink’ have a tendency to look upon those of us who don’t, or at least those of us who can ‘take it or leave it’ with a mixture of both suspicion and downright envy.

I think I like alcohol so much because it takes me to a place I wouldn’t otherwise go, and hey, doesn’t that sound poetic?

Edge Ed’s scooter ain’t really a scooter-scooter, is it?

Well anyway, at the start of every scootering-pootering season they apparently kick it all off with something called a Ride-Out from the London Eye to the Old Royal Naval College in Greenwich, and by the time you read this, I’ll have hopefully been there, dunnit and got the flaming t-shirt to boot.

I guess I’ve always associated alcohol with the word ‘reward’; a reward for working all day (when I used to drink daily, though never heavily), or nowadays, a reward for having worked all week.

The deal is to meet up at the London Eye in Waterloo (cue: Abba) at 11:00am on Saturday 23rd March, only as I’m going down there with a load of Quadrophenia types, God knows what time we’ll have to leave Chelmsford as no doubt loads of ’em will be breaking down as their scooters are that damn old.

A friend of mine once said, “I spend a lot of time in my head (due to the fact that she worked on her own, like wot I do) so it’s nice to get out of it every now and again.”

OK, so apparently we’ll have left the London Eye by midday sharp where we mosey on to Greenwich where there’s a competition to see who has the best Lambretta, Vespa .......and Yamaha X-Max!

Perhaps it’s the release?

At 2:30pm, after lunch and much gawking, we’re off just around the corner (en masse no doubt) to

Or pathetic, as some of you are no doubt thinking.

I wonder how many skydivers drink alcohol? Surely the ‘alcoholic buzz’ pales into insignificance with what they’ve got to compare it by?

somewhere called the Pelton Arms for the official afterparty, with music from the Ham Yard DJ team, whatever and whoever the hell they are.

Only I’m really looking forward to it as I’ve never been involved in a mass ride-out of any kind before (Lengthy-Boy once invited me to ride ‘shotgun’ on a Ford Mondeo ride-out to Shoeburyness, but I said, “Nah, you’re alright, mate.”

’Ave it!

Mind you, I ain’t bloody going if it’s cold and it’s raining tho’!

Without a shadow of a doubt, alcohol is something that should be enjoyed......in moderation (aggggghhhhh, I can feel myself fighting against that word).

So clearly, although I have cut my drinking down to but two days a week, my battle is not yet won.

Incidentally, a 3-pack of Desperados costs but £4.29 in Home Bargains (next to Nuffield) or £5.49 from a well known supermarket with orange carrier-bags.

The Edge 077 646 797 44

The Edge 198_The Edge 172.qxd 25/03/2013 15:04 Page 19

Should have gone to

Whatever the dispute, we are the experts in conflict resolution and are here to help

www.essexmediation.co.uk Chelmsford: 01245 492200 Colchester: 01206 767388 Harlow: 01279 311431

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‘The Gherkin’, situated in the heart of London’s financial district, is no more - soon to be replaced by a bright yellow banana.

Formerly stretching 180m into the sky, the top 51 floors recently blasted off into space with Wallace & Gromit at the control panels in the cockpit.

Mayor Boris Johnson said, “It was always going to be a huge publicity stunt and bananas are definitely the way forward. I’m currently in negotiations with Her Maj to even have one erected on top of ‘Buck Palace’ in the shape of a smile that I’m sure will encourage Japanese tourists to do so.”

The interesting thing about ‘The Gherkin’ is that it uses energy-saving tactics which allow it to burn only half-the-power that a similarly sized tower would typically consume, thus offering Wallace & Gromit a helluva lot more thrust throughout their travels. Gaps in each floor create shafts that serve as natural ventilation throughout the entire building - despite the fact that to date 10 employees have fallen through them - with required firebreaks on every sixth floor interrupting the ‘chimney’ effect. The giant double-glazed glass windows of ‘The Gherkin’, which sandwiches air in between the layers of its glazed panels, insulates the entire office space throughout.

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Anglia Bulb Bulb Anglia Company SPAM - the chopped meat in the distinctive rectangular can that you open with a key; the food that fuelled Britain throughout the Second World War; the product that looks like a load of knob’s that’ve been put in a blender before being compounded together, IS FIGHTING BACK! Ridiculed by Monty Python and, more recently, likened to bald headed men and internet junk mail, Spam has bouncing back with a brand new series of TV ad’s.

They’re an attempt to show that Spam represents all things British, despite the fact that ‘the pink & white stuff’ originates from the USA. The ads, which are set to run for a 5 week period and also star the likes of Princess Ann and Des O’Connor, show British ‘characters’ tucking into a slab or two of the old ‘pork & ham pressurised mix’ (SPAM is actually short for spiced ham).

ONLY JOKING READERS - THAT’S ALL BULLSHIT, IS THAT! I honestly think I can remember tucking into Spam & Branston Pickle sandwiches when I was a kid tho’. But would I put a tin in my shopping trolley today? How very dare you - no matter how good their adverts; no matter how times is ’ard.

Maker Hormel Foods are apparently aiming their campaign at an over-45 audience (phew, that’s still not me then), including many whom won’t even remember the war, yet know Monty Python’s ‘Spam, Wonderful Spam’ song off by heart.

Spam sales shrank dramatically in the 1980s, but a fad for all things retro brought almost a 10% upturn in business by 2003.

Whilst 15million homes in Britain regularly buy cold tinned meat every week, only two million of ’em buy Spam.

So readers, if this had jogged your memory and you’ve got a nostalgic Spam story or two to tell, then kindly drop The Edge a line shaun@theedgemag.co.uk THIS ARTICLE FIRST APPEARED ‘100 ISSUES AGO’! www.theedgemag.co.uk

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The Edge 198_The Edge 172.qxd 25/03/2013 10:47 Page 20

Chelmsford City’s Academy of Football Chelmsford City F.C. and Chelmsford College have recently set up a new football and education programme that has seen them embark on a journey aimed at developing a new culture at the football club that should lead to their long-term success.

second season with us. He arrived pretty much out of nowhere and impressed us with his trial last year. His ability is clearly in no doubt and, with a little guidance, he’s become a quicker, stronger player and that’s seen him find his way into the first team.”

The scheme was set up by David Cornwell, a development manager at Chelmsford College, who also heads up recruitment. David says, “This has fast become an important part of Chelmsford City Football Club's identity, providing a regular source of new players for the reserves and first team.”

Slater’s own transfer from The Hammers to Celtic was, at £1.5 million, a record at that time, but in 2004 he was forced to retire due to injury.

However, he turned it to his advantage by putting into practice the coaching knowledge he’d gained from working under some of the game’s greatest managers and now he has a UEFA 'B' license and has coached and managed teams at West Ham United's Youth Academy, where he first met Kirk Game, the U19 co-manager.

Former Celtic, West Ham United and Ipswich Town footballer Stuart Slater is part of the coaching team and is delighted to see youngsters such as Josh Fagbohun and Joe Ward start to make their way into Chelmsford City’s senior squad, whilst first team manager Glenn Pennyfather is equally delighted to welcome new prospects from the youth set-up. “There are plenty of other players who can break through,” revealed Glenn. “The rest have seen Josh and Joe progress and it’s made them hungrier to do so themselves. They’ve now got a definite pathway to progress into the first team and the latest two lads have shown what’s achievable if you are dedicated and work hard enough.”

Stuart explains: “When I first met Kirk, I knew we had a common philosophy in the way we both like the game to be played, together with our views on how best to develop young talent. When the opportunity came to work on this programme together it was honestly a no-brainer as we clearly make an ideal partnership. Kirk himself is a former pro and also holds the prestigious UEFA ‘A’ license, so our combination of knowledge and experience puts us in an ideal position to help take the careers of these young lads forward.”

Fagbohun and Ward are now likely to feature more and more in Chelmsford City’s future plans. Stuart Slater adds, “Josh is a forward in his first year with the club after spending some time at Leyton Orient. He’s got a fantastic attitude, yet he’s still only 16. He’s aggressive and has really come on in the last few months due to his incredible work ethic.

The squad currently makes up two teams that play in the Football Conference Youth Alliance and the English Colleges League. Under the guidance of Slater, Game, and first team goalkeeping coach Glen Johnson, thirty boys train as full time players whilst either studying academically at the college, or undergoing an apprenticeship.

“Joe, on the other hand, is an attacking-minded player who’s already in his

Stuart explains: “We’ve already achieved some notable victories so far this season, including wins over Dagenham & Redbridge, Colchester United and Oxford United, plus senior boss Glenn Pennyfather witnessed our 5-1 demolition of Dartford recently, which was a bit of an eye-opener for him.

We have also managed to get through to the last eight of the Conference Cup for the very first time on the back of six wins on the spin. We have also had a few professional clubs look at some of our players. However, the players’ loyalty and their greatest opportunities will always be at Chelmsford City. Overall, Glenn’s been impressed with every single one of them, so much so that he’s had no hesitation in giving some their first team debuts. And Chelmsford College have also been absolutely fantastic in supporting this scheme which has proved to be extremely worthwhile to the football club as a whole.”

Stuart concludes: “We’re already in the process of arranging trials for the coming 2013/14 season where we aim to increase our squad size considerably. This presents any young player with a fantastic opportunity to not only further their playing careers, but also offers them access to a number of educational programmes and work-related qualifications, all of which are time-tabled around their footballing activities. The new 4G football pitch, gym and sports facilities based at Melbourne Park are sure to be a big hit amongst all our young players during the season ahead.”

Stuart Slater, Glen Johnson, Glen Pennyfather, David Cromwell and Kirk Game.

Page 20

Further information can be obtained via E-Mail: cornwelld@chelmsford.ac.uk

The Edge 077 646 797 44

The Edge 198_The Edge 172.qxd 25/03/2013 10:49 Page 21

a smarter TV from bang & olufsen...

Whenever those clever Danish Bang & Olufsen engineers start to design a new product concept, then beautiful design, ultimate performance and ease of use are always the three key elements at the very top of their list.

The new BeoVision 11 television manages to tick all three boxes and beyond.

“If you want a new TV that can produce amazing sound without the need for messy loudspeakers all around the room, then this is the set for you,” assures Darren Maynard of Chelmsford B&O. It features an active built-in loudspeaker system that is capable of producing every detail in whatever programme you are watching.

However, if Dolby Digital Surround Sound is more your thing, then that’s no problem either; the processor is already built-in ready for more speakers to be plugged-in.

The latest video engine is their best yet and coupled with the latest generation of LED backlit screen, the picture quality is absolutely stunning. Every Bang & Olufsen TV is designed to give a balanced and natural picture and BeoVision 11 is no exception. The 2D & 3D picture on this particular model has to be seen to be believed!

For the Apple lovers amongst you, there is a handy little compartment inside and your Apple TV then becomes an integrated part of the overall package. Call up all of your music collection on screen and even rent a film from the iTunes store; it really is that simple. presentations

Smart TV is a buzz word that everybody seems to be talking about these days and the B&O smart TV engine gives you access to YouTube, BBC iPlayer, Facebook, Vimeo and many others. Being a DLNA compliant TV, it will also see music and video stored on your home network and allow you to stream this wirelessly to the TV set with consummate ease.

All in all, a BeoVision 11 is more than just a television set; it’s a complete home entertainment

For the first time, you can even ...and this is mount this new how it looks..

Bang & Olufsen televi.in situ ...in yo sion on a new, near-silent motorised ur livin g-room wall-bracket and when you turn the set on, it a ...just like th will automatically extend to your favourite viewsystem that you is... ing position. How about that? know you can come home to at (A motorised floor stand, easel stand or manual the end of each hard days work, turn it on and wall-bracket is also available.) be instantly entertained, again and again and again.....

Fed up with a whole selection of remote controls for your TV, Sky receiver, DVD or Blu-Ray player? This smarter television from Bang & Olufsen is operated by the Beo4 remote-control or iPad and is capable of controlling all of those extra boxes for you, so that only one remote-control is needed. j

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Page Page21 23

The Edge 198_The Edge 172.qxd 25/03/2013 11:19 Page 22

ONLY JOKING! Meatballs

If the latest news from Tesco has put you off their burgers, you should try their meatballs.

They’re the dog’s bollocks.

Well Endowed A group of primary school infants, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Cheltenham Races to both see and learn about thoroughbred horses. However, eventually it became time to take the children to the toilet.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants and began hoisting them up, one by one, holding their willies to direct the flow away from their clothing.

As she lifted the last one, she couldn't help but notice he was unusually well endowed. Trying to disguise the fact that she was staring, the teacher said, “You must be in year four?”

“No, Miss,” he replied. “I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 3.30 in half-an-hour.”

New Underwear My wife stood modeling the new underwear she'd ordered. "What do you think?" she asked.

I said, "It looks a bit different to how it looked in the catalogue."

"How different?" she said.

I replied, "It’s not giving me a hard-on.”

Elton & David’s Baby They had their sperm mixed together and a surrogate mother was artificially inseminated.

When the baby was born Elton and David were ushered into a ward where a dozen babies were lying in their cots, eleven of them crying and screaming.

In a corner, one baby was lying serenely.

A nurse came over to both of them and indicated that indeed the contented child was theirs.

"Isn't it wonderful?" Elton said to David. "All these crying babies, yet ours is so serine.

It just proves the superiority of gay love.”

Then the sister wandered in and said, "Oh sure, he's happy enough now alright. But just watch and see what happens when I pull the dummy out of its ass...."

New Movie George Clooney is making a new movie about the life and times of Jimmy Savile.

It's called Oh She's Eleven.

Little Jimmy A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology training, so she started her class by saying, “Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up.”

After a few seconds, little Jimmy stood up. The teacher said, “So, do you think you're stupid then, do you, Jimmy?”

“No, Miss,” said Jimmy. “It’s just I hate to see you standing up all by yourself.”

Cold Cream Little Percy watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed Cold Cream over her face.

“Why do you do that, mummy?” asked Percy.

“To make myself look beautiful,” replied his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.

“What's the matter,” asked Percy. “Are you giving up already?”

Terrible Thing Getting old is a terrible thing. For instance, this morning I went upstairs, then all of a sudden I totally forgot why. So I went back downstairs again, then promptly shat myself.

Horse Auction Little Bobby attended a horse auction with his dad. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's leg, rump and chest.

After a few minutes, his son asked, “Why are you doing that?”

His father replied, “Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they’re healthy and in good shape.”

Little Bobby looked at his Dad and said, “In that case, I think the milkman wants to buy mum.”

Bakery Error I opened a bakery recently and a lady ’phoned me up wanting a cake that said 'I SUCK COCKS' written on it. To be honest, I thought it was a bit weird, but I made the cake anyway.

Well, Mrs Cox was proper pissed off when she came in to collect it. And her son, Isaac, wasn’t too impressed either.

The Father A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a very attractive woman waving at him.

She smiles and says, “Hello.”

He is rather taken aback because he cannot place where he knows her from.

She smiles some more and replies, “I think you're the father of one of my kids.”

His mind travels frantically back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife.

“Are you that stripper that I made love to in an allotment, with all of my mates watching and whipping us with sticks of rhubarb?”

Her smile immediately faded. “No,” she said.

“I'm your son's geography teacher.”

not surprisingly.....they’re off.

Just bought a cucumber from Tesco. Turns out it’s actually a horse’s cock.

A Tesco customers poll compiled by Gallup....

After The Honeymoon One evening, shortly after the honeymoon, he was busy cleaning his golf shoes and his new wife was standing there, idly watching him.

After a long period of silence, she finally spoke.

“Tom, Darling,” she said, “now that we’re married, I think it's time you gave up golf."

Well, Tom looked absolutely horrified.

“Whatever's wrong?" said his wife.

"You’re starting to sound like my ex-wife,” Tom said.

Now it was Julia’s turn to look horrified.

“EX-WIFE?!” she gasped. “You never told me you've been married before?"

Tom replied, “I haven't.”

Golden Opportunity My wife was wearing a very short nightie the other evening. After a while, she went down on all fours to look for something in the cupboard beneath the tele and ended up getting her hair caught.

Well, never one to miss an opportunity, I nipped off to the pub for a couple of swift pints.

Sick A guy ’phones up his place of work on a Monday morning and says, “Sorry boss, but I can’t come in today. I’m sick.”

Exasperated, his boss tells him, “Dave, this is the third Monday in a row you’ve been off work.

Just how sick are you?”

Dave says, “Well, I’m lying in bed with my sister right now, boss.”

Pub Trade Flourishing in Thailand

From Wales A guy was driving down the M1 with his blonde girlfriend when she piped up, "I think those people in the car next to us are from Wales."

"What makes you think that?" he said.

“Well, the kids are writing on the window and it says: "Stit ruoy su wohs."

Kevin Webster’s Garage I tried to book my car in for a service at Kevin Webster’s garage, but apparently he doesn’t touch anything over 10 years old.

Horsemeat Jokes

Our Neighbour’s Dog

I was at the cafe in Tesco when I was asked if I wanted anything on my burger.

“Ye, please,” I said, “£10 to win.”

Our neighbour’s dog shat in our garden, so my Mum told me to get a shovel and throw it over the fence. Call me daft, but I couldn’t really see the point in that, because we’ve still got dog shit in our garden, only now we’re minus a shovel as well.

A woman has been taken to hospital after eating horsemeat burgers. Her condition is said to be stable.

As it turns out, 29% of Tesco burgers was found to be horsemeat. No wonder it gave me the trots.

Just found some out-of-date Tesco burgers and

Wrong Finger At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Hey, aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"

She replied, "Yes, I am, as a matter of fact. It’s because I married the wrong man."

All jokes published are supplied by Edge readers. Please send your ‘egg yokes’ to shaun@theedgemag.co.uk

The Edge 198_The Edge 172.qxd 25/03/2013 13:39 Page 23 $

1

Bradbury for Top Gear The Edge likes Julia Bradbury; it always has.

Right from the days when she was in that excellent C5 holiday programme with that quirky Toby chap; it was almost like The Fast Show in that they got to the very heart of their destinations quickly. And she was never shy of getting into a bikini and showing off that supremely slim bod of hers.

She’s also got presence; she’s a captivating presenter.

So The Edge was very interested to read an article about her the other day in which she confessed to having always wanted to be a Top Gear presenter.

I mentioned this to someone and they said, “Ah, but who would she replace?”

The answer’s simple; none of them. She’d simply be a fantastic addition to the existing team.

Watching the last series, like everything - this mag included stuff simply needs freshening up every once in a while, and Top Gear’s no different.

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The Edge 198_The Edge 172.qxd 25/03/2013 11:51 Page 24

Mistress Rachel

taboo

50 SHADES OF SHITE! In light of the ridiculous popularity of the ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ books, I, Mistress Rachel, a professional ‘Dominator & Beater of Men’, wish to vent my frustration.

HOW DARE Ms E. L. James produce such a vile ‘vanilla’ attempt at writing about MY WORLD? I am absolutely appalled at her somewhat illiterately written examples of Dom/Sub relationships.

Just how ‘50 Shades of Plop’ has gripped the females of this nation is beyond all human understanding so far as I’m concerned.

My dear sisters, please be aware that I thoroughly beat, ridicule, humiliate and degrade men for a living, and as such it gives me a thoroughly euphoric and gratifying feeling of satisfaction to do so. What’s more, there is no doubt that Mr Christian Grey would be in his rightful place - ‘on his knees’ - before this particular mistress within seconds.

I have spent the past 15 years of my life treating men as human door-mats.

I even consider it my moral duty to do so. These little piggies crawl before me like the vermin they are, begging for any attention at all from there total superior. Meanwhile, the foolish Anastasia Steele needs to be completely re-educated in every way, shape and form. Oh yes, after but a few weeks of training I would have her kicking Mr Grey in the balls with a ball-gag in his mouth for good measure, after which the prancing, prissy Adonis would be objectified, feminised and turned into the pathetic little sissy that he undoubtedly is.

On another matter, I have spoken to my dear friend Master Psydom who is a real ‘Dom’ and he assures me that Ms James will be caned on site for daring to produce such blasphemous literature.

Let me assure you that there is far, far more whipping and debauchery going on in this Mistresses’ everyday life than in any of those appalling books.

EROTIC

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Page 24

Oh how I would judiciously smack your arse, Ms James.

Therefore I make a call for all sane females to join me in an anti 50 shades revolt. Principally, get an editor and know your subject matter, you uneducated fool of a woman.

(Sigh) I am not a happy bunny. Therefore I shall be taking out my anger on the next sad and pathetic little man to knock on my door.

Written by Mistress Rachel of Taboo

YES, YES & YES! YES, readers, the article above really, really was written by a professional dominitrix. YES, I met her and I actually shared a pot of Earl Gray tea with her, which was nice, and enlightening, I might add, although I certainly

wouldn’t want to get on the wrong side of her, if you know what I mean?.

And finally, YES, a detective from Essex Police did contact The Edge about the ϰ ŚŝůĚƌĞŶ ŝƐ Ă ŶĂƚŝŽŶĂů ĐŚĂƌŝƚLJ ĂŶĚ ŽŶĞ ŽĨ ƚŚĞ ůĂƌŐĞƐƚ ŚŝůĚƌĞŶ͛Ɛ ĞŶƚƌĞ ƉƌŽǀŝĚĞƌƐ ŝŶ ƚŚĞ ĐŽƵŶƚƌLJ͕ ďĞůŝĞǀŝŶŐ ĐŚŝůĚƌĞŶ ĂŶĚ ĨĂŵŝůŝĞƐ ƐŚŽƵůĚ ďĞ Ăƚ ƚŚĞ ŚĞĂƌƚ ŽĨ ŽƵƌ ƐŽĐŝĞƚLJ͘ spoof article that appeared sŽůƵŶƚĞĞƌƐ ĂƌĞ ŶĞĞĚĞĚ ŝŶ ŽƵƌ ŚŝůĚƌĞŶ͛Ɛ ĞŶƚƌĞƐ ƚŽ͗Ͳ in last months mag about

(shock, horror) PROSTITUx ,ĞůƉ ƌƵŶ ĂĐƚŝǀŝƚŝĞƐ

x ,ĞůƉ ǁŝƚŚ ĂĚŵŝŶ TION that was apparently

being discussed all over x ,ĞůƉ ǁŝƚŚ ƉƌŽŵŽƚŝŽŶ

Facecock (thanks for that)... sŽůƵŶƚĞĞƌŝŶŐ ŝƐ Ă ŐƌĞĂƚ ǁĂLJ ŽĨ ŐĞƚƚŝŶŐ ŝŶƚŽ Ă just to make sure that I didǁŽƌŬŝŶŐ ĞŶǀŝƌŽŶŵĞŶƚ͕ ŝƚ ĐĂŶ ŚĞůƉ LJŽƵ ƚŽ͗Ͳ n’t really mean all that I was 'ĂŝŶ ǁŽƌŬ ĞdžƉĞƌŝĞŶĐĞ ŝŶ LJŽƵƌ ĐŚŽƐĞŶ ĐĂƌĞĞƌ ƉĂƚŚ DĂŬĞ ŶĞǁ ĨƌŝĞŶĚƐ ĂŶĚ ĐŽŶƚĂĐƚƐ saying. 'ĂŝŶ ǁŽƌŬ ƌĞĨĞƌĞŶĐĞƐ

ĞǀĞůŽƉ ŶĞǁ ƐŬŝůůƐ Dear oh dear, I don’t know ŶŚĂŶĐĞ LJŽƵƌ s

/ŶĐƌĞĂƐĞ LJŽƵƌ ĞŵƉůŽLJĂďŝůŝƚLJ what some of you take me ǀĞŶ ŝĨ LJŽƵ ĂƌĞ ŶŽƚ ůŽŽŬŝŶŐ ĨŽƌ ĞŵƉůŽLJŵĞŶƚ͕ ǀŽůƵŶƚĞĞƌŝŶŐ ŚĂƐ Ă ŵĞĂŶŝŶŐĨƵů͕ for, readers? ƉŽƐŝƚŝǀĞ ŝŵƉĂĐƚ ŽŶ LJŽƵƌ ĐŽŵŵƵŶŝƚLJ ďLJ ƐƵƉƉŽƌƚŝŶŐ ůŽĐĂů ĨĂŵŝůŝĞƐ͘

sŽůƵŶƚĞĞƌ͍

P.S. Finally, sorry to Mrs Maynard for the positioning of your advertisement (right). Granted it’s a freebie, but even so, I accept that it is not ideally situated.

dŽ ĨŝŶĚ ŽƵƚ ŵŽƌĞ ĂďŽƵƚ ŽƵƌ ĞdžĐŝƚŝŶŐ ǀŽůƵŶƚĞĞƌŝŶŐ

ŽƉƉŽƌƚƵŶŝƚŝĞƐ͕ ƉůĞĂƐĞ ĐŽŶƚĂĐƚ LJŽƵƌ ůŽĐĂů ŚŝůĚƌĞŶ͛Ɛ ĞŶƚƌĞ͕

Žƌ͕ ĐŽŶƚĂĐƚ ƚŚĞ ϰ ŚŝůĚƌĞŶ sŽůƵŶƚĞĞƌ ŽŽƌĚŝŶĂƚŽƌ ŽŶ

ϬϭϲϮϭ ϴϮϳϴϱϵ Žƌ ĐůĂŝƌĞ͘ŵĂLJŶĂƌĚΛϰĐŚŝůĚƌĞŶ͘ŽƌŐ͘ƵŬ

The Edge 01245 348256

The Edge 198_The Edge 172.qxd 25/03/2013 14:10 Page 25

PRICK, DOG FOOD or PLANET? What sort of a name is Bruno bloody Mars when itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s at home?

Mrs Edge tells me that â&#x20AC;&#x153;heâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s talentedâ&#x20AC;?.

Is he?

I mean really, is he?

Or is he simply yet another one of those conveyor-belt type Yanks who we wonâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t even remember in a couple of years time?

Bruno?

Well, thereâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Frank, and that little scrote of a former Radio 1 DJ (Brookes, thatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s his name!). Thereâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s a pipe tabacco called St. Bruno, and then thereâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s cute ickle â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;Bruno from Marsâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;.

Look, the way The Edge sees it is anyone who rips the arms off a denim jacket is a cock (apart from Hellâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Angels cos theyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re double â&#x20AC;&#x2122;ard, they are, and The Edge wouldnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t like to upset any of â&#x20AC;&#x2122;em).

Heâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s really called Peter Gene Hernandez, heâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s 27, and he was raised in Honolulu, Hawaii, by a pack of stray surfer-dude merecats.

Not only that, heâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s sold 6 million albums and 40 million singles worldwide and if The Edge had done that, itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;d honestly think it was â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;the titsâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;.

And it would be.

But heâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s not.

Verdict: Prick â&#x20AC;&#x2C6;

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shaun@theedgemag.co.uk

PHONE NOW 01245 258689

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07941-029883 www.theantiageingclinic.org Page Page25 7

The Edge 198_The Edge 172.qxd 25/03/2013 12:16 Page 26

The Long Schlong of the Law I’m currently in the middle of writing my first novel, a process which is much harder and more draining than you might think. It’s pretty brutal and grim in places as well as having a few rather frank passages on sexual practises and self-abuse.

I’ve been drawing on a lot of my experiences in life as well as injecting a certain amount of ‘me’ into the central character and it’s probably not a good thing that I keep having to remind my test readers that it is actually a work of fiction, as opposed to me sending them pages from my diary. At least I’ve got to know what they really think of me now, I guess.

As well as my own experiences, I am also creating supporting characters that contain facets of people that I know and I started to worry that if and when this novel ever sees the light of day, I could honestly fall foul of libel laws if I’m not careful. To this end, I started to research how libel works, and more importantly, how to get away with it.

Enter one of the best legal terms I’ve ever heard: “The small penis defence.” From my understanding, in order to prove libel, an individual has to be literally identical to the character he’s being based on, meaning that you can’t cherry-pick certain aspects of that character to prove the author is talking about you; you have to take the whole package (or lack of one, in this particular case).

ME & MY adamantium skeleton

The Kingmeister reports Star Struck I’ve mentioned before how the wonders and mysteries of outer space are one of

“Enter one of the best legal terms I’ve ever heard: ‘The small penis defence’.” the few things that can stop me being such a miserable curmudgeon. When it comes to actually cheering me up, the multi-hued majesty of the galaxy is right up there with whiskey, ninjas and boobs.

It definitely wasn’t that big, Judy.

A critic named Michael Crowley wrote a scathing review of the author Michael Crichton’s book ‘State of Fear’ which began a feud between the two men. In his later novel ‘Next’, Mr. Crichton created a very unflattering character actually called Michael Crowley and when I say ‘unflattering’, I mean he was a child rapist. The Crowley character was easily recognisable as the real Crowley, apart from one small (pun intended) but important part.

In a stroke of genius, Michael Crichton also wrote that the Crowley character had a remarkably small penis. To successfully sue for libel, this meant that Michael Crowley would have had to stand up in court and not only admit that he had a really small penis, but prove it too.

Unsurprisingly, he didn’t fancy doing this and I would imagine that Michael Crichton has a right good laugh about this every day of his life, and well he should.

So, if in a year or so you are actually reading my novel and you happen to think that one of the characters bears a disturbing resemblance to the person you see in the mirror, don’t worry, read on. I’ll make sure that the character in question has some disgusting genital based affliction to cover my back and spare your blushes.

Page 26

an interest in.

First up, I give you Saggitarius B2. ‘B2’ is a massive cloud floating about in the cen-

All of the above are obviously trumped by Ninjas with boobs of course.

It still amazes me that a lot of people actually seem to find it all boring and would rather read ‘Heat’ or ‘Nuts’ magazine than learn about the truly stupefying things that the cosmos contains. To this end, I’ve decided to try and give you a few examples that the more intellectually challenged of you might actually show

tre of our galaxy and, yes, I know damn well that you’re not impressed yet....but how about the fact that B2 is a cloud that contains an estimated 10 billion, billion, billion litres of alcohol? Yeah, I thought you’d perk up at that.

And that’s not all either. B2 also contains ethyl formate, a chemical that tastes like rum. That’s essentially 10 billion, billion, billion liters of rum just floating about out there for the taking and if that’s not reason enough to get our own space program up and running, I don’t know what is.

If B2 isn’t enough for you, then how about I introduce you to Mira, the shooting star?

No, Mira isn’t a shooting star as in a meteroid burning up in our atmosphere; it’s an actual star, like our sun, that’s decided to shoot out of its own galaxy and streak across space at just under 300,000mph.

Mira is a red dwarf star at the end of its life cycle and, rather than going out the traditional way with a nice, respectable supernova, Mira has decided to go out in style. What’s even more amazing is that the pieces of itself that it sheds from its 13 light years long tail will eventually go on to create new stars and planets.

But rather than all this science talk, perhaps an easier way for you to imagine this is to think of an 80 year old man buying a convertible and then screaming through the streets at 150 miles per hour, furiously masturbating and blowing his load everywhere. I’ll leave you with that image in your heads in order to better explain the beauty and the majesty of the universe.

Shark Wrestling Woes You may have already heard the story of 62 year old Paul Marshall-sea. Paul and his wife were on holiday in Australia when a 2 metre shark came into the shallows near where children and families were enjoying the traditional holiday passtimes of sun, sea, sand and not being eaten alive by sharks. Mr. Marshallsea, who had obviously run out of ‘fucks’ to give, waded in and grabbed the shark by the tail to wrestle it away from the shore.

Unfortunately for plucky pensioner Paul (I’ll end up writing for The Sun at this rate), he was on holiday while signed off work with stress and when his employers saw the news story, they did what any caring employer would do and sacked him. His employers are a children’s charity, so you could even argue that they sacked him while attempting to do the very thing they were created for; that of saving children.

I’m not going to dwell on the wrongs or the rights of it as that’s being done to death all over the place. What I want to focus on is the opportunity his employers missed out on. If I had been in charge of this particular charity, I would have been over the moon that one of my staff had decided to pick a fight with a shark.

His job title would have immediately changed to ‘Captain Awesome: Shark Puncher’ and all company advertisements or correspondence would end with: (Yep, the place where the bloke who wrestles sharks works). In fact, I’d make pretty much everything shark related at that point, no matter what the business was. If I ran an undertakers, I’d have had the hearse made up to look like a Great White on wheels.

Incidentally, if any of my family are reading this, then start saving now because being taken to the graveyard in a Sharkmobile is about to go into my last will and testament.

I’m actually looking forward to dying now

I just can’t understand the reasoning behind this course of action. A choice between: “We can have a man who wrestles sharks on the payroll that has made international headlines and everyone loves, or we can sack him so everyone thinks we’re giant dicks” seems an obvious one to me, which is why I’ll probably never achieve any sort of management position.

Going forward, I might make this a criteria for any future employers when they ask if I have any questions at the end of an interview. I’m sure asking them what their official policy on shark punching is will at least score points for creativity.

P.S. You’re welcome.

“Do you want Coke with that?”

The Edge 01245 348256

The Edge 198_The Edge 172.qxd 25/03/2013 11:58 Page 27

SNOW GOOD

workers and management that might not always be evident in the UK. The big difference, it seems, is that everyone, no matter where you sit in the company hierarchy, has a respect for nature and the problems it can cause. As such, there’s a kind of ‘in it together’ feeling and everyone does whatever they can to limit the damage and beat the bastard. If that means shutting up shop a few hours early, then so be it.

They warned me. I was told so many times.

The thing is, nothing can be experienced second hand.

You have to see and feel it for yourself before you really understand. That’s true of just about any life experience, but in this case the ‘it’ is a New York winter.

Clearly as you read this it will be early April and spring will be in the air, but it is being written as February has its wintry hold. We haven’t had that much snow here this year (yet), but for weeks on end the temperature has been well below freezing all day - often as far as minus seven or eight centigrade. Then at night it gets cold - proper cold.

And that’s before you add in the wind chill factor which the forecasters say shaves another ten degrees off the temperature as you feel it, even with a very moderate blow. It’s this wind that whips up the Avenues, sucked in by the tall buildings, that is the killer. No matter how many layers of clothing you have on, it slices through them and chills you to the very bone.

Incidentally, wind chill is a relatively new phenomenon, it seems to me - we didn’t have wind chill factors growing up in the 50s and 60s, so obviously it must have been warmer then. Yes, I’m kidding.

Having said that we haven’t had much snow; the view from 42nd and 9th was distinctly blizzard-like last week. It was a complete white-out. No view at all, in fact. A snowstorm came in and dumped about six inches (that’s 15cms, kids) on Manhattan. Six inches of snow is nothing special here, and whilst in the UK it would be considered a heavy fall, it’s still not too far out of the ordinary.

Now, you’ll be expecting a withering criticism here,

saying that New York hardly noticed the snow and everything ran along just fine, whereas the UK would be crippled for at least a week. Well, that’s partly true, but that’s an easy line to take. We all know the UK doesn’t get large quantities of snow often enough to warrant a big investment in snow ploughs, so we’ll let it pass. But it doesn’t excuse lazy work-shy Greater Anglia train drivers staying in bed because it’s cold.

But that’s a different argument for another day.

OK, so we’re not going to do criticism, but there are a couple of interesting differences to note about the attitude towards snow in the two countries.

Firstly, these storms are predicted a week ahead with a reasonable degree of certainty. Then the forecast is refined day by day right up to the point that they can say it will hit a particular city at a certain time, last for so many hours, lay down this number of inches, then fade away. People here listen to these warnings. They leave work early so as not get caught in it. The transport companies allow for this premature exodus and increase train frequency to rush hour levels at midday if that’s what’s needed.

Clearly this requires a level of understanding between

Then there is a rule in force that guarantees a certain amount of community spirit and also helps things get back to normal quicker after the storm has passed.

Basically, the rule is that any pavement (sidewalk) between your property, rented or owned, and the road is your responsibility to clear of snow. The incentive to do it is that if you have failed in your duty and someone slips and breaks a leg, you can be sued. But if you’ve done what you are supposed to and made the effort to clear it, then you’re safe from litigation.

This is also a boost to the local economy as there are a great many people physically incapable of undertaking this duty, so they have to pay someone to do it for them. That could be by using one of the many gangs of temporary workers who go round knocking on doors to sell their services. Or it could be you do a deal with the kids next door to undertake shovel duties on your behalf.

This show of personal responsibility, albeit enshrined in legislation in this particular case, evidences a mindset that is noticeably different over here. You rarely hear anyone say about a little local difficulty that “someone ought to do something”. People seem much more likely to get off their arse and be that someone.

That’s it for another month. Hopefully before the next one of these transatlantic missives is penned it will have risen above freezing for a day or two.

Then it will be too hot.

EP MC8;O EPMA8BPA Tel: 01245 905 805 www.webwax.co.uk www.twitter/ webwaxdesign www.facebook.com/ webwaxdesign 26 Broomfield Road, Chelmsford, Essex CM1 1SW The Edge 077 646 797 44

Page 27

The Edge 198_The Edge 172.qxd 25/03/2013 12:05 Page 28

“PLAY UP POMPEY!”

Just look how terrified The Home Partnership’s Scott Mason looks alongside Portsmouth’s most famous fan, erm, ‘Mr Portsmouth’ (yes, that’s what he actually calls himself and hey, who’s going to argue with the big lump?).

This photograph was taken on Tuesday 12th March prior to a Division 1 league encounter (that is one of those ‘little leagues’ outside of The Premiership, readers, in which your editor’s home-town club Oldham Athletic also play/tussle) at Brisbane Road, home to Leyton Orient F.C., of which Scott is fairly highly positioned as chairman Barry Hearn’s rent-boy (Bazza actually refers to Little Scottie as ‘his bitch’).

The outcome was a 1-0 victory for The O’s and Mason had to hide in the bogs pretty damn sharpish once the final whistle blew as word had it that ‘Mr P’ also fancied a slice of the action.

Also present at the match were Scott’s Dad (aka Jacko), Uncle Del & Uncle Ray, Grandaddy ‘Safeblower’ Mason, Lee Finegold (“lovely name on it,” says Scott) and Jonny (his Dad’s best mate).

Oh, and about 496 other Leyton ‘O’ fans and probably a mini-bus full of blue’n’whiters as well.

When your editor asked Scott how he’d come to get in a bear-hug with Mr ‘P’ he said, “Mate....where do I begin? I’ve never seen anything like it. For starters, he was wearing shorts and a waistcoat, yet it was freezing cold that night and had actually been snowing. This photo was taken in the Coach & Horses pub on Leyton High Road, which is the nearest pub to the ground.

“He had his large hat on, as ever, a waistcoat over his bare (fat) torso, a cardigan on top of that adorned with club badges, some sort of electronic pager that kept on flashing ‘Pompey’ and obviously his ‘famous Pompey tattoos’ plastered all over his face, arms, legs, chest, shoulders and hands. Oh yeah, and he was also sporting a proper pair of clown’s shoes, honest.

“After the pub he then proceeded to walk into the away supporters end with a bell and a trumpet and met up with three other little drummer boys to make some noise.

The whole thing was completely bizarre.

“I’ve been going to watch Orient since I was a little kid, but I’ve never heard noise the like of that which came from around 1,000 Portsmouth fans ever before. They were genuinely first class.”

This fella looks like someone who’d be sat in the corner of the Rovers Return supping half-a-mild whilst his pet whippet was asleep under the table The Edge knows nowt about Catholicism, but surely you’ve got to elect a Pope with a bit of charisma if you want to get people on your side, haven’t you (and isn’t that what the Catholic Church truly needs)?

I always remember Robin Williams saying to Matt Damon in the movie ‘Good Will Hunting’, in order to get his point across, “....but you can’t tell me what it smells like inside the Sistine Chapel, can you?” (where the voting took place) and unfortunately, neither can The Edge, because it was shut by the time our troop arrived at The Vatican.

However, when picking a pontiff, it’s no good shilly-shallying and puffing Now this is what a proper smoke out the chimney. You’ve got to choose someone with street-cred.

Pope looks like!

Page 28

The Home Partnership ‘leg-end’ that is Scott Mason with Mr Portsmouth himself, John Anthony Westwood, who despite his ever so scary looks is actually a mild-mannered antiquarian book dealer with a royal warrant for picture-framing, would you believe, in a peaceful national park market town. But come the weekend, a bit of a transformation takes place!

The all new completely refurbished David John Salon in Moulsham Street officially launched on the evening of Monday 11th March, with the very beautiful Ola Jordan of Strictly Come Dancing fame also in attendance.

A fantastic night was had by all of David John’s clients and guests, despite the arctic conditions, with the many who braved the elements being rewarded for their efforts with free-flowing champagne, canapes and a very warm greeting from Ola at the door, who even went on to give all of the ladies present a quick demonstration in the art of the cha cha!

So the David John Salon is clearly back on the map, back where they belong and where they are destined to stay in the very heart of Chelmsford’s Scissor Street! They have many exciting things coming up for their customers to get involved in, such as competitions, fashion shows, and lots, lots more from a salon that’s really buzzing.

For further details of all upcoming events see www.davidjohnsalon.co.uk or email the team on info@davidjohnsalon.co.uk Better still, why not meet the team at the salon at 163-164 Moulsham Street, Chelmsford, CM2 0LD. Above: Star guest Ola, Hayley Wratten (David John’s Business Development Manager) and Ola’s agent Nicola.

The Edge 01245 348256

The Edge 198_The Edge 172.qxd 25/03/2013 11:59 Page 29

LITTLE TRAINS FOR LITTLE PEOPLE by Robert Rutherford As a single Dad of a two and a half year old boy, I reckon I have watched more episodes of ‘Thomas the Tank Engine’ than any adult should have to endure. Many a night, whilst lying in bed trying to get to sleep, I’ve suffered the theme tune relentlessly running through my mind like the musical equivalent of a disease. I’ve also heard the word ‘Wheeshed’ more times than the human brain was ever designed to cope with.

The modernised ‘Thomas and Friends’, previously called ‘Thomas the Tank Engine and Friends’, has replaced the old model trains with 3D animated versions. While these have a lot more facial expressions, they do seem to have lost a lot of their former character in the process. Far worse is the fact that Thomas is no longer the Ringonarrating-cheeky-drunken-Scouser, but has become a rather well spoken, slightly camp, snivelling little brown nose. This is nothing short of a tragedy. Thomas now just gutlessly tries to please the overtly authoritarian Fat Controller and prove that he’s “a really useful engine,” where as the original Thomas had far more balls/charm.

‘Postman Pat’ has also had a modern revamp.

He now only handles special deliveries, his van has racing stripes, he has a matching helicopter (and a motorbike too) and like everyone in the modern world, he also owns a mobile ’phone.

However, on the plus side, he still has the same black and white moggy and the majority of his original ‘isn’t life wonderful’ persona.

In an episode of ‘Thomas and Friends’ that me and The Boy watched today...and yesterday... and several times last week...James, a slightly irritating bright red engine, is eager to “get the job done fast” as it will mean that at the end of the day’s work he will be chosen by the Fat

Controller to pull the ‘Present Train’. In the world of ‘Thomas and Friends’ the only reward that you get for working hard is more work - which is pretty realistic. In a typically moralistic storyline, James’ haste ultimately causes him to slip on ice and crash into some snow. The Fat Controller turns up and states that he is “most disappointed” that James has caused “confusion and delay”.

This again is a pretty realistic storyline. As a regular rail commuter, I can confirm that when there is snow an awful lot of confusion and delay will generally always occur. You can never find out quite what is happening, so I would love to think that a talking red train with a mind of its own had ‘wheeshed’ its way into some sort of trouble. It’s an equally reasonable explanation to: “We’ve had the wrong kind of snow” or “There are some leaves on the track,” both of which are genuine excuses used by train companies.

The Boy’s obsession with trains was fully cemented last year when we discovered Chelmsford’s own miniature railway. From the first time we rode on one of their little trains he had a fixated look of wonder and amazement spread across his face.

The experience absolutely blew his mind and life has mostly been about trains of one sort or other ever since. It does seem to be one of our town’s (although I really should say city now) genuinely best kept secrets, hidden away as it is just off Waterhouse Lane.

Many of the kids’ attractions I’ve visited with The Boy are always carefully designed to liberate the parent/s from as much money from their wallet/purse as is humanly possible, while still being legal (just), but Chelmsford’s Miniature Railway isn’t like that at all. There’s not even a gift shop - it’s just not that sort of a place. What’s more, it costs but a pound a ride, or five quid buys you a ticket for eight little train rides.

Inside the small clubhouse you can also get a proper cup of tea for about fifty pence. The CSME are a thoroughly nice bunch of people and are more than happy to have a chat with you, especially about the trains they’ve built.

While it’s not regimentally well organised and the facilities are a bit basic, it’s simply both a friendly and fun place to visit on a Sunday afternoon and The Boy (every single time) absolutely loves it. If anything, it feels a little bit like going to visit your grandparents who happen to have a big garden with some little trains in it...

In all, there’s a miniature railway with two tracks and some little trains to ride. These range from carefully engineered steam replicas to kit-built electric trains. A bunch of train enthusiasts called the Chelmsford Society of Model Engineers (CSME) open the place up on Sunday afternoons from 2.00pm - 4.30pm, right the way from 28th April until some time during October.

BANSKO BULGARIA Q. Why are these two geezers dancing like Showaddywaddy?

Answers on a postcard please and the lucky winner could, with the emphasis on the word could, win a weeks holiday to Bansko in Bulgaria, including up to £1,000 spending money and all lift-passes included....even though there’s no longer any snow.

Kerry ‘Bill’ Sykes sponsored by Day-Glo Ski Wear of Dagenham shaun@theedgemag.co.uk

Steve ‘Mod Man’ Yarnall aka ‘That Milk Tray fella who’s always falling over’ Page 29

The Edge 198_The Edge 172.qxd 25/03/2013 12:22 Page 30

TOTALLY TRACIE PUSH THE BUTTON Oh bring me a man who is a dork, a nerd, a man with a rubbish haircut and pimples gathering at his collar. This, it seems, is what women really want these days; a Computer Geek or a Technosexual.

According to the laws of sexual attraction, we women used to fancy men in oily overalls, all muscles and sweat; basically a bloke who could fix your big end whilst humping a sofa up three flights of stairs.

Then we women got fed up with the grease monkey type and started looking for the Metrosexual man - think Daniel Craig and David Gandy, those with the perfectly groomed skin and nails, who were not afraid to moisturise.

But times have changed and what we really want nowadays is a man who’s great where glitches are concerned.

It seems that there has been a complete power shift in the household. Back in the day, relationships went something like this: women would cover shopping, cleaning, washing, cooking, picking up bits of fluff off the stairs carpet, loading and unloading of all domestic appliances, remembering family birthdays, wiping down surfaces, oh and the washing and ironing.

Meanwhile, men would usually cover bins, composting, anything that required a loft ladder, refilling of windscreen squirters, dog poo, Allen keys, lawnmowers, car insurance, broken blinds, blocked sinks and toilets, hanging pictures and the changing of all lightbulbs and plugs.

All in all, things evened themselves out and we women got the chance to swan around a bit like Nigella, whipping up a cupcake or two as we went, whilst the menfolk could show off if something electrical ever blew by standing on a stool and flicking a couple of switches in the fuse box. Swoon.

But even today I doubt whether most men know whether a can of Pledge is for the bath, table, window or their teeth. Then again, I’ve never known how to bleed a radiator, but nor do I particularly want to.

Things got a whole lot trickier when technology entered the fray. These days, I simply cannot function if my laptop doesn’t.

And if my mobile goes on the blink,-*B I con=;B tort 2 like that girl in ‘The Exorcist’.

Today our TV sets are so complicated there are 3 remotes to work them with. I’ve even resorted to bribing my teenage son to switch the TV on and off for me, it’s that technical. Meanwhile, conversations with men tend to go something like this: “Ahhh, Page 30

my hardrive’s full.” Man replies: “Ummmm, turn it on and off and see if that doesn’t do the trick.” And so the conversation pingpongs back and forth until I end up kicking the damn thing up and down the road.

Naturally the correct thing to do would be to become Tech savie myself, but merely the thought of it fills me with sheer and utter dread. Yes, I am sorry to say - and forget Christian Grey - we women are bored to death with all of his shinnanigans.

We don’t want to be spanked anymore.

What we women want is a man who can fix our technology and men are clearly far better designed for such things too. For instance, I make a far superior lemon drizzle cake and I am even happy to open my own doors; but give me a man who can fix my hardrive and he can push my buttons all day long.

WE’RE ALL GOING ON A SUMMER HOLIDAY

E Forget St.Tropez and Monaco this year, for we lucky ones ‘living the dream’ in Chelmsford will not be in the least bit surprised to note that our city is indeed this year’s hottest holiday destination! Yep, thanks to Queenie granting us ‘City status’ E and that wonderful show ‘TOWIE’, those who live outside of Essex apparently want E to spend their summer holidays right here amongst us, which is why Chelmsford is now reported to be taking hotel bookings fast and furious from those wishing to sample our very local culture.

So if there are any tourists reading this, <*2-I heartily E @*7= B8> =8 42<< 6.the 9*<<287*=.5B may recommend fine fayre of * ‘Mr Cod & Mrs Ram’. Never will you sample such delicately spiced Essex kebabs E and burgers as those served at that fine establishment. Just as one must sample the clotted cream in Devon and the Cromer Crab in Norfolk, or indeed the famous pasties of Cornwall, one must surely put ‘Mr Cod & Mrs Rams’ on an even par.

And if you didn’t already know it, ‘Mr Cod & Mrs Rams’ has already featured in The Times good eating guide, whilst an internet campaign was started a while back to get it% officially recognised, due to the fact that it has built up a bit of a cult following.

Tourists are reportedly using Chelmsford as a base whilst they spend days out starspotting in Brentwood, or topping up their % tan at Leigh-on-Sea which is now apparently on a par with Cote d’Azur. (Although please point out the dog poo to any E tourists you see sunbathing a little too close for comfort, readers).

And you can also forget Westfields, because the clobber sold in Brentwood and Chelmsford is supposedly where it’s at (and surely that’s an opening for some local spiv to knock up a load of t-shirts and baseball caps with ‘SHUUUUTTT UP’ written all over them).

I am also reliably informed that the vast majority of local hotels had no vacancies signs in their windows the other weekend, due to the fact that good old Joey Essex was opening his Fusee Clothes shop, whilst those wishing to dress like twats came from far and wide.

For ( heaven’s sake, no-one is interested in Tom Cruise staying in a motel just outside of Watford any more.

So to all us lucky bastards who are ‘living the dream’ in Chelmsford - just thank your lucky stars each and every day, for we are truly blessed to be the chosen ones...

Allegedly.

Tracie123@aol.com

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