The Edge May 2013

The Edge 199_The Edge 172.qxd 24/04/2013 10:03 Page 1

EDGE

the ISSUE NO: 199

www.theedgemag.co.uk

‘THE CHELMSFORD FANZINE’

The Edge Chelmsford CM2 6XD

Telephone 01245 348256

MAY 2013

Mobile: 077 646 797 44

The Edge 199_The Edge 172.qxd 24/04/2013 10:14 Page 2

The Edge 199_The Edge 172.qxd 24/04/2013 10:37 Page 3





!"# $%& '()%



Looks as though he’s pulled a right dog, readers.





 







 



   



&)*+,%)-.&-)**.$,)%/0.$%&.

1+%2$,).3"42+54)





!"#$%&&'(#)'%&*#+,-##.$/



01234#4'#$562#7%(18

6).*)77.3)$42+847.%)$-709%)#.&)*+,%)-:. (+,(9)%&.(+,(.*2-))2.$%&.1+%2$,)./7"2(+%,

,!%" !.'

(((91'(%1&4:21;'552;4<'19;'96=

your Book R

OO OUTD TION FUNC !

NOW

‘DRIN ASMU K CH  YOUL  AS BARS IKE’  FORA SET PRICE

“THEBUBBLY IS ON US!”

www.olivercatering.com Email:enquiries@olivercatering.com TEL:01245451651

                                               

HOME DELIVERY

NOW AVAILABLE ORDER ONLINE AT: www.zenchelmsford.co.uk Home delivery service is available in the evenings only, within CM1 and CM2 postcodes Minimum order value of £15 applies

01245 353899 86-87 DUKE STREET CHELMSFORD, ESSEX CM1 1JP www.zenchelmsford.co.uk

 The Edge 077 646 797 44 Page 3 

The Edge 199_The Edge 172.qxd 24/04/2013 10:47 Page 4

 The Edge Editor’s Column ;>5$/("*$#4/8.41,.231$"$-3 “YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU’RE $#(3(.-/1(+#&$ -#6.4+#)423 DOING”  +(*$3.2 86' 13("+$28.4 You know that chant3+.5$+8 that spreads at football 61.3$ when !.438.415(2(33.. -# matches some the crowd disagrees   with 3'$/("341$26$1$&..#3.. thing; usually a manager’s tactical nous?/ 13 %1.,3'$=%(2'$8$>.-$2'$.-$ Well, that’s what they sing at me on Facecock.  I6'$1$8.4' mean, please me, how to get   tell#3'$+(33+$&(1+(-8.41    is it possible  1,26 ++8+.5$+8 -#3'.4&'3 banned for 21$ 30 days (it’s a ban of  and 30 nights (36 204(3$,.5(-&3'$6 biblical proportions, I haven’t   I tell thee) when  88.4 3 +*$# 5(-&"'(+#1$- even been!.43-.3' site since  using the damn 3'.4&'*-.68.4#.->3+(*$#.&2 Christmas???

Do they have latent bans on there, or some'$/Bans 1 #.7%.1,$6 23'go3back? thing? that kick-in when you %413'$1(-3'$, &  9(-$3'$1$6 2 Apparently, for trying to jack   I’ve been banned  =/1.,.3(.-%.1/1.23(343(.->$1(.42 The Edge’s numbers means; you  up by foul  .1-.33'$2$&(1+2 1$ ++2.,$.-$>2 know, trying to ‘befriend’ people that  I don’t even # 4&'3$126'.6$1$.-"$ 2(--. know, even less care about. "$-3 3+(33+$&(1+8.46$1$'.+# And that’s when the chanting started: “YOU  23'   (-&(-8.41 1,2%8.4' ## 4&' DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU’RE DOING”  3$128.46.4+#3'(-*#(%%$1$-3+8 But I was only doing what Lengthy-Bollocks   had (previously)   told me to do.  ,me.

9$,$< I.4-$5$1"$ know -all about ought,   2$3. 

****

/5$/.;4'%40/34"!'3!.9-/2%4(%3%$!93 iPHONE 4S   /5*534'%4%-!),3!.$4(!47!3/.%/&4(%Eventually had to get up to date with the 21st !&4%24(%02),%$)4)/.3(!$()44(%342%%43  by investing in one of those bloody  Century  and I hate the damn thing.   iPhones !,3/2%#%)6%$!;0(/.%#!,,&2/-!%4%#4)6%!4  way to Dragged kicking and screaming all the 33%8/,)#%!3/00/3%$4/-%2%,9! O2 shop, I was. the /--5.)49500/24&&)#%27()#()37(!4  about trepidation.

Talk 535!,,9(!00%.37(%.%6%2!.%)'("/52(!3 Why do I hate it?

2%0/24%$-%&/20)33).'50!42%%  For starters, I often walk into and out of town.  can often be quite  boring; Walking on its own .().$3)'(4'5%334(%02/34)454)/.0)%#%7!3!  even (get it?).  So I used to ‘text and pedestrian ,)44,%4//342/.'4/!00%!2).!&2%%05",)#!4)/.  old Nokia I could literalwalk’ and with my trusty 35#(!3(%$'%&/27()#(!0/,/')3%)&   at ly text blindfolded; I didn’t even have to look '%.5).%,9/&&%.$%$!.9/.%54$)$ the screen. But with this new, ultra-sensitive,  upmarket bugger, I have to stop, put me specs 47!3.;4-%!.44/  both bloody hands.  on, and use   Not good. 254()3.%6%24%.$4/,//+!44(%3%2)/533)$%  Not good at all. /&)335%3"%#!53%)&$)$7%,,)4;$-!+%-%  a thing of the past.

Texting whilst driving is now .%6%2%6%.!44%-044/4!#+,%!.935"*%#4).!

(5-/2/53&!3()/.7(!43/%6%2  DRIVING   whilst driving, hmmmm?

So what to do (instead) /%3(%$'%2%!,,97!.44/3%%02/34)454%3   Contrary to popular belief, not all men poke their :02/345,!4).';!"/544(%342%%43/&(%,-3&/2$  noses whilst driving.   I(2)34;-./4%6%.'/).'4/$)'.)&935#(! don’t.

15%34)/.7)4(!.!.37%2  out However, I do sometimes attempt to pluck  hairs from the inside of my nose, which in itself 544(%#(/)#%/&4(%7/2$0!2!$/8)3!.).4%2  is a dangerous occupation, fraught with what if’s %34).'/.%"%#!53%)4-%!.3:!.)-02/"!",%  nose-to-nose configuration  and potential where #/-").!4)/./&/00/3).'15!,)4)%3;!.$-!9"%  an oncoming vehicle is concerned.  4(!4$/%335--%50  Why?  plucking hairs from out me  nostrils is Because (%2%!3/.;-./4#%24!).3(/5,$(!6%  prone to making me sneeze and when I sneeze I05",)3().')4)3"%#!53%)47!33)-0,94//:$!2+; can no longer see the road that I am travelling !0)%#%4/!00%!2).!./2'!.4(!4&2!),0%/0,%  upon (for a vital second or two). (!6%%!39%./5'(!##%334/    INJECTION   STEROID .$)&!,,4(!47!3.;4%.*/5'(/&!:7%,#/-%  Doc gave me a steroid injection the other day (/-%;(%2%;33/-%-/2%&,!#+    the for my ‘problem shoulder’.

That’s about  get after eventually having a extent of what you ;.4' "*%1.,.  scan that5$".,$! reveals you’ve got was a.!5(.42+8 load of torn 24%%$1(-&%1., tissue in there. (-2.% 1 2 Thing is, the injection $5$183'(-&2$$,2 does bugger all apart !$33$1"'$ /$1 the  (theoretically, from %1$2'$1.5$13'$1$ way The Edge sees it) binding your ailment in '$- +.-&".,$2  for a day bubble-wrap !+.*$8.46.4+# or so, before it returns /1.! !+8"1.223'$  buggered, to its normal, 231$$33. 5.(#!  "* limblike self. '.,$8$3 38.41  People had also (-5(3 3(.-'$+ 82'(2 warned me of the side' -#2.-8.4 -#(3  of steroids, effects but .-+8".232:/$1  than  a cracking other 2$22(.- ++.%  -#tits pair of 44DD that 24##$-8.4%$$+ I’ve recently sprouted, 3 noticed a I&1$ haven’t  damn thing.  (1+ 8$ +++.5$ ,(1 "+$'$  13.% BONDS ,bloke 22 &$.1(&(++8 A called Barry " ,$%1.,-#( -# Beavis contacted The '$04(3$/.22(!+8  Edge just before it’s *-$66' saying 3'$6 2  deadline, that #.(-&6(3'.43 -8was the old Hooga bar 1$".&-(2$#,$#(" reopening as Bonds + 31 (-(-&3' 36$&.   it would and that be 3'1.4&'(-.1#$13. ideally suited to the /1.3$"33'$/4!+("6$ Sharon and Tracy’s of 31$ 3' this world,3(23'$6 and the 8 (36.1*2(-3' 3/ 13.% Sharon and Tracy’s of 3'$6.1+# -#(3#.$2  Chelmsford in particu6.1*2%.1, -8that if   said lar.

He also  got  a reputation Bonds 43%.1,8/ 13  for being “a little & 5$8.4 -$5  that +4  cheesy” then 3(.-(-%.1,$#8.4.%  suit him down to would ,8./(-(.- the ground. 23.

6' 38.41/1.!+$,".4+#!$$7/+    (-$#6' 3 (224$26$1$$%%$"3(-&3'$,.5$,$-36(3'(  8.412'.4+#$13' 3' 2"   42$#8.4/ (-% "3$5$-31$   3$#8.4  -#&  5$8.4  1$'  !(+(3 3(.-/1.&1  ,,$3.%.++.6 -# #5(2$# 8.4.%1$&4+ 1$7$1"(2$26'("'6   2  "., /+$3$/ "*  &$3' 36.4+#'./$%4++8&$38.4 !$33$1 -#$- !+$8.43.1$341-3.3'$    "3(5( 3($2.%-.1, +$5$18# 8+(5(-&   -+88.4#(#->3%.++.6,824&&$23(.-2#(# 8.4.4#(#->3%.++.6.-$(.3 .%3'$ #5("$  8.46$1$.%%$1$# -#8.42$-2$+$22+8".-  3(-4$3.3'1.6*$33+$!$++2 1.4-#6(3'  (,/4-(388$323(++8.4$7/$"38.412'.4+#$1  SCOTT & BAILEY  3.'$  +$5$-1$".,,$-#$#8.43.   Do you watch Scott & Bailey, readers? /'82 -#8.4#(#$7 ,$($  "3+83'$2 I(.3'$1 do as /(23 it whiles away an hour on a Wednesday -.3'(-&3' 36.4+# ++.68.41!.#83.!$-$    evening; plus I quite like that ex-Corrie bird. %(3%1.,3'$31$ 3,$-3(36 21$"$(5(-&.1  the reason  I mention However, it is because it’s 1$".5$1%1.,3'$(-)418" 42(-&8.4/ (-  filmed in and around Oldham, that most salubri41$+8(3#.$2->33  had the misforous of places where*$ your&$-(423.2$$6'8 editor %4++1$".5$18' 2".-3(-4$#3.$+4#$8.4 tune to be born, and if you look ever so closely  of the openat pretty much the very last frame 83'$6 8)423!$1$+$5 -33' ing credits 8(3, you’ll notice a brick tower with36'(+$ the 8.46$1$(-. %.136.6$$*28.46$1$->3  word ‘BRIAR’ written on it. Down below and to "34right ++83'1.6(-&*$33+$!$++2 !.433'1$$ from  the is the old family sheet-metalworks 3(,$2$5$186$$* -#8.412'.4+#$16 & Wild (defunct).  2  whence I hailed: Young ++.6$#2.,$3(,$3.1$/ (1   -#1$23    BATH & BRISTOL '$3'$18.4%.++.6 #5("$.1#.8.411$' All the way across the M4 to spend a weekend!

6.1*(28.41.6-!42(-$22436' 3 --.8$#,$2.,4"'(23' 38.423 3$#(-     5$18/4!+("%.14,3' 33'$!+.*$%1.,.

6 2;!$33$13' - -8/'82(.8.4' #!$$   31$  3$#!8+." ++8<     '(2(24-%  (1 -#%$+3(-24+3$#,(&'3-.3  !$ /'82(.!43 , /1.%$22(.+ -#  1 3$,831$ 3,$-32'(&'+8/43!.3',8  '$ 13 -#,8' 3   -#2(-3.$5$18"+($-331$  -#' 5$' # +.3.%24""$2231$ 3(-&  /$./+$6'. +2. "3(5$+8/ 13("(/ 3$(-3'$(1 1$".5$18 in Bath and-#/43(-3'$6.1*.432(#$.%3'$(1 Bristol, yet the sun decides to shine 31$ 3,$-326(3',$ in Chelmsford, but not (unfortunately) in the West Country. In fact, not to put too fine a point .4' #3'$= on it, it 5$-.3' was downright cold -#2.%.#>+ and miserable (#.at 8.4'$1$(2-.,(1 "+$"41$3.8.41 times, and you really don’t go all that way (+ to feel ,$-32.41'$ like that, do you? +(-&/1."$221$04(1$2$%%.13 133..money back.

I.-8.41/ want me bloody The weather’s pretty much everything to me, yet 3'(-*8.42'.4+#' 5$23 3$#3' and 3! it’s 2("still ++8 it’s mid-April (at the time of writing) 8.4" ->3!$!.3'$1$#6(3'8.411$' !6.1* as dull and arse as it’s been since last October.

8.4 in 1$+..*(-&%.1 =,(1country, "+$"41$> Born the bleedin’ wrong I was.-#3' 3 8.4>1$ +2. !(3/$#.%%3' 33'.2$.%42  1(&'3'$1$(-'$+,2%.1#".4+#->304(3$, SAT. 20TH/SUN. 21ST APRIL - &$3' feck 3%.18.4 Thank Spring finally seemed to arrive....       .-9$%&%.3%2%!$%23!$-)44(!4!-4(%  BROADCHURCH   7/2,$;37/234&/2./4$/).'!3;-4/,$!.$!   it.      Absolutely loved !7!2%/&-93%%-).').!"),)494/./4#/.3#)%.      4)/53,9$/4(%2%15)2%$2%(!"7/2+4(!4;3"%%.  ROBERT RUTHERFORD !3+%$/&-%!32%'!2$3-9:02/",%-3(/5,$%2;  single-dad  Rob’s I am really enjoying reading 4(!4;3"%%.).*52%$&/23%%-).',9!.!'%  29) and sincerely hope that columns (see page        you are too, readers. /7%6%234!.$"97(!43!)$!"/544(%.$)!.   Rob is a former-Edge colonist who has returned $/#4/2"%#!53%4/-9-).$(%/&&%2%$-%3/-%  to the fold due to a chance meeting we had, yet %8#%%$).',9&)2342!4%42%!4-%.4 has returned as a different bloke entirely, which   seem to reflect. his new, softer colons ;6%!,3/*534(!$-93#!.2%35,43"!#+4(!4    so don’t go But I love ALL of my colonists, 02/6%(!6%%84%.3)6%4%!2).'/&-93(/5,$%2  getting jealous all the rest of you!

-53#,%30,53$!-!'%4/-94%.$/.34// Please God ‘LIKE’ The Edge. Go on... +$ 2$.#=>'$#&$..- facebook.com/theedgemagazine % "$!..*".,3'$$#&$, & 9(-$ twitter.com/TheEdgeMag 36(33$1".,'$#&$ & DO IT NOW! For Christ’s sake, LIKE .1'1(23>22 *$ The Edge as no bugger else does. '$#&$ 2-.!4&&$1$+2$#.$2

c  c 

THE   EDGE Chelmsford CM2 6XD 0 7 7 6 4 6  7 9 7 4 4  shaun@theedgemag.co.uk   

 Page 4  The Edge 01245 348256

The Edge 199_The Edge 172.qxd 24/04/2013 10:51 Page 5

 Man  Rides  Log Naked on croc-infested   river





Did you read the story about the naked Australian fisherman who risked his life by riding a log naked down a crocodile infested river to win a bet?

The crazy Aussie chap won two cases of bourbon after jumping onto a log (naked, remember) and staying on it for about three minutes before clambering back into the safety of a boat, phallus intactus.

“I’d been enjoying a few beers in the sun (oh, here we go, readers) and it all seemed like a good idea at the time,” said the total bloody idiot. “We hadn’t been catching any fish as the river was flowing way too fast, so I thought what the heck...”

Hmmmmm?

His mate, Billy, confirmed, “He’d thought nothing of the dangers of drowning or being eaten I mean, he  come on, unless     aimed   a missile  at alive by a ‘saltie’. It was hilarious.” you, you’d think he’d spent his entire formative   Er, riiiggghhhttt! years locked   in his dad’s sweet   shop,  wouldn’t    who has  asked not to be named, Thedaredevil, you?           at  the notoriously   croc-infested    was camping Just look chops....  at  his cheeky  chubby     Territory   Daly River in Australia’s Northern He’s that  fat The Edge bets he always misses     up), he sudwhen, ‘CBU’ (completely beered   the bus  soinstead   sneaks    to  school,  back   home   decided    to take leave of  his senses.    denly  an  andstarts    playing   ‘War Games’   on his computer    quite   a sight,”    said  eye-witness.     “A “It was  him  to get  after   accidentally countries   hacking   into  his own   apparently   dared  onto friend of his  logs that were    floating   the   arsenal  supplies.             down one of the  heleft the boat and  that. Some    Surely   young    is just  stumbling     about,   Kim   not  did just river, so   And he  stayed  really knowing   he’s   (hey,   The  Edge doing    what     huh?  actually    on it for  friend,   while too,  crazy   under    relate to that if you   so maybe can    are,  Fat Lad,     which  was plain  quite a            we  should   turkey, huh)?    talk   some   the circumstances.”   has  This  mag   has  been    looking   for  a publicity   stunt    The  Edge,   ‘Bernard    the Butcher’,    Mate of   padelled    waters  for  some    so perhaps       through   croc-invested     time, if it could cool matters actually  the   But  even   I>  not   in Pyongyang   then    would  taking      start  Zambezi,    readers. out folks down he’s   with    hiscock     Edge  a  lot more      seriously.  >  enough   to do  it naked    and The daft   like offering   a sprat  to a.....    of all I’d  lure him  into a trap with  a Penguin hanging out. It’d be First  if he’d    bar, and    offer  of chocolate     then  maybe   a trail  got  it caught   between   a croc’s What   into    Cheese   &Onion    a death-roll??? teethand it went S’truth! eclairs and some crisps....

Fancy being a  ‘Supreme  Leader’  aged just 12











 











 













 



 



 



 

    







 



 





 

          

















Ali’s  Taxis 46-46-46

inc.  8  seater  mini-buses Airport  Trips Corporate  Accounts  Welcome

 



 

                   0,@?D:74>?4.&=0,?809?>=:8,?30=,;D     :?%?:90 ,>>,20 %   :;4,=,9/70>   







 







 





 





  

 



      666!#!#)!"%!437#.,

 Page 5  www.theedgemag.co.uk

The Edge 199_The Edge 172.qxd 24/04/2013 11:58 Page 6

WHATTHISPICTURESAYSTOTHEEDGE...



 

 made sandwiches, jacket potatoes, salad boxes, Freshly homemade soups, cakes & much much more!

Duke Street.  Tel:  01245  499114 



 

  







 



  



 







 









 



 “POLE-DANCING           ON THE TUBE!”           This is Samantha and   Moodie  (20)  of Great  Baddow on the tube  to  Camden, readers,    isn’t it just the most belting shot?               “We had to was   none  leg it after we’d  captured   this photo,” says Samantha, “as the train officer too impressed.”                 Sam is a professional cyclist her back whilst cycling  who  damaged          BMX   and  a part-time model back in 2011, so took up pole-dancing her  in order   to help rebuild   knee     (see  evidence above) after ACL/MCL/PCL reconstruction.....and now she’s hooked!                                                          It’s not looking good, is it?          through At the time of writing, we’re half-way         it’s  still poxy shite, after the wettest April and     March since time immemorial.         winter  (January   because I hate - March inc.)     completely    the  very the weather dictates  isto do,  so  I end  up simply    little there         in  (bloody)   Chelmsford.  becoming glum,                God, how I miss colour.                 I simply miss ‘life’.

The Edge    always  thought    its  effervescence.    I miss  kids       And I totally miss looking at beach babes. should be seen       was   as miserable  as  it is in winter  If Blighty and  not heard...     365 days  of the   year,  do you reckon  24/7  tobuy a pint  of cider from the   up  with it, readers?  you could poke Until it went   & Crown  in Writtle    think I could.    I honestly don’t Beer Tent at the Rose  a miserable    wet, cold and  windy   a scooter   in Corfu  (never over Easter Off to hire out   weekend   heard    before)   in June  and I honestly cannot  Bank Holiday and a young been   wait.      lad by the name of Harry Cash at an AT bloody    a few   at least.  Music Group event being staged.

Roll on summer.....for days    someof the        

By God, he’s good, as were  too, only Harry          other kids definitely shone.  14, yet  his dad informs  The  Edge        He’s only  playing   guitar   since he      he’s been singing and  5 years  old,  and  bugger,   it really was just       does show.      Harry busking  in  You may have seen young    Centre?   Chelmsford City If not, you can catch him at the Cosmic Puffin Festival Island  on Mersea   on 4th May, Rock For Havens Sake on 9th   in Rayleigh   June andalso at the Kelvedon Free Music  Festival on 13th  July.     There was also a gorgeous ickle girl on stage and The Edge got talking to her parents,    only due  to copious   amounts  of the cider it con sumed it cannot her,    remember    or her par ents, names....so   sorry about that!    Tut-tut, Edge  bloke,  lad.    









Will we even have a summer this year?

 TWIST   or STICK? 

DOORS - DOORS - DOORS ‘Cheerful Bob’& Bros. inc. ‘Serious Chris’ & ‘Forgetful Dave’- ‘all Alive & Fitting!”

Family Business Est. 1979 Internal/External, Hardwood/Softwood, Stairs & Spindles a speciality.

Visit our door stall on Saturday’s at Chelmsford Market

01245 361201  0777 893 8920

Page 6  shaun@theedgemag.co.uk

The Edge 199_The Edge 172.qxd 25/04/2013 14:52 Page 7

Spazio Success Story

Saturday 13th April saw the launch of Spazio Design`s new online website, spazio-online.com - a website dedicated to exclusive Italian and European furniture and interior accessories for the home.

A launch party was held at their impressive kitchen showroom on New Street, Chelmsford, which has been recently refurbished with new kitchen displays from their own brand Italian range to show the latest models and kitchen technology. Over 90 guests were in attendance for the red carpet event, including the Mayor and Mayoress of Chelmsford who officiated the ribbon-cutting to announce the official opening of the website. Local MP Simon Burns and TOWIE and reality TV star Amy Childs, who has become a regular visitor to the New Street showroom, were also in attendance.

Drinks and refreshments were served throughout the day and a special presentation by the head chef of Smith’s Brasserie restaurant of Ongar sponsors of the event - caught the attention of guests who enjoyed the freshly prepared fish canopes.

Co-sponsors Lancaster Ferrari of Colchester added extra glamour with a stunning Ferrari show model which was parked at the front of the showroom throughout the day and was enjoyed not only by the party guests, but by the many passers-by too!

The day’s activities culminated in a prize draw in aid of Farleigh Hospice, which was picked by Amy Childs who also presented the prizes. Guests donated generously and the lucky winners enjoyed gifts ranging from a £150 voucher for the new website, an exclusive Bonaldo coffee table - only launched at the Milan furniture fair that very same day - and a designer table lamp by Italian manufacturer Foscarini.

A most successful day for Spazio Design was put into perspective by Chelmsford’s Mayor, Councillor Christopher Kingsley, who said, “It’s important to recognise the success of local businesses and SPAZIO certainly is a huge success story.”

Local Lass on Channel 5 During February I received a ’phone call from C5 asking whether I, or any members of my staff, were a little over weight/unfit and wanted to take part in a new TV show that takes publicans from Essex and changes their lifestyle in order to become fitter and healthier, writes Emma Stubbings of The White Horse in Townfield Street, Chelmsford.

This sounded right up my street as I was very sporty growing-up and excelled at both cricket and karate. I emailed them a little bit about me and my past and why I thought I would be an ideal potential participant and I eventually made it down to the final four.

My main bad eating habits were grazing at pub snacks (i.e. crisps, nuts and chocolate) and then eating after closing-time, which is way too late. So I cut these out completely, didn’t eat after 8.00pm and in so doing I dropped 12 pound in 2 weeks.

These days I'm now going to the gym 4 - 5 times a week as well.

Filming has been very strange. Not being used to having a camera shoved in my face is all very weird, but I'm getting used to it and simply try to imagine it’s not happening, although I'm dreading how cringey the final product might be. It’s certainly not going to be easy watching myself on TV, that’s for sure!

My 12 week training plan will finish at the beginning of June, which is when I take part in an ‘extreme challenge’ event. I cannot reveal what it is yet because it’s all still very much under wraps, but it’s definitely going to be an amazing once-in-a-lifetime opportunity that I honestly can't wait to take part in.

So right now I’m simply putting my heart and soul into my training so that I’ll be as ready for it as I’m ever going to be.

P.S. But if curiosity is really getting the better of you, why not pop into the White Horse and buy me an orange juice and I’ll let you in on a few juicy titbits!

Kitchens Bedrooms Bathrooms

Inspirational design, quality products, seamless installation management. This should be expected for your new kitchen or interior project.

Passionate creativity, exclusive brands, unparalleled service.

This is what you will receive at Spazio Design.

www.spazio-online.co.uk

Spazio Online, a great place to shop on-line and in store for contemporary furniture. Our aim is to bring to you, the best of design. We look for products that offer that little bit more for your money, while still maintaining that quality of fifinnish that the devotee of sleek, contemporary furniture demands.

40 New Street, Chelmsford, Essex, CM1 1PH 01245 299 331 info@spaziodesign.co.uk | www.spaziodesign.co.uk The Edge 01245 348256

Page 7

The Edge 199_The Edge 172.qxd 24/04/2013 12:27 Page 8

Fr Free ee One Day Day Pass Pass Need advice?

Personal Training Training

Make it fun!

Guaranteed fun Guaranteed results

Classes ffor or members and non-members

TEL: 01245 494 596 w www.springhealth.net ww.springhealth.net

CITIZEN   Song Eurovision Contest

 readers will Regular  know that  by now Citizen writes mainly   on topics of popular   with a leaning culture  the sixties towards  to the  eightthrough ies on music (the   Pink Floyd  Beatles,  et al) and favourite  of directors films (inc. James Bond and the works   Lean,   Steven   Spielberg  and Martin  such as David        Scorsese).      ABBA        month   we look at a cultural  phe However, this   58th year  which you either   love or nomenon in its  - the Eurovision    Song  Contest   - an event you hate      that Citizen would confess holds little interest  from  having launched   the global   career   of apart    Abba who won  in 1974   pop superstars with  sold over     and who also Waterloo 370million    period. albums and singles over a 10 year   for Switzerland  Another notable winner - in 1988     Celine  Dion.    was French/Canadian  is slightly   suspicious   Citizen of Eurovision fanatics    the  same category   in its view, who, belong in as   flock to cinemas    dressed   as nuns, or people who  for special  sing-along  showings  in lederhosen of  of  Music.      The Sound  Eurovision  does hold  a certain  fascina However,  - particularly   in the voting procedure tion of sorts  all of the songs   have  been that takes place after       performed.    GO TO  THE PUB   Citizen  would suggest  going to the  pub for Indeed,    to the first two hours before hurrying home in time   sadly nolonger features  watch the voting, which  words   “Bonjour Katie”   Katie Boyle the immortal for  the show   the BBC   60s  (not  who hosted for in the  confused with  Susan  Boyle). Even  Terry  to be   nowunfortunately   passed   the micro Wogan has  on to Graham   Norton  - but he’s an ideal phone     choice, you have to agree.   has won fourtimes outright  Since 1956 the UK   Sandie  Shaw  starting in 1967 with (an Essex girl   who  often    in her  bare from Dagenham performed   on a String    little feet) singing Puppet - a catchy   ‘jerky’   melody,   loved   number with a slightly so   the years   Euroland.   The other UK throughout in  Brotherhood   victors were of Man (Save Your  Fizz (Making    Kisses for Me - 1976); Bucks Your    and  the Waves (Love Mind Up - 1981) and Katrina       Shine a Light - 1997).        BOOM BANG-A-BANG  UK tied  with three other countries In 1969 the     Bang-a-Bang,  surely the after Lulu sang Boom      formulaic   song?!   quintessential Eurovision  runners-up    15 times,  the last of We have been  in 1998.   then   finished which was Since we’ve only  figures   twice and on 6  occasions ended in single  in the  mid-twenties,     last  up way down including  when   the BBC   off Engelbert  year dusted    the lamentable   Humperdinck to finish 25th with  Will  Set You Free  Love (sigh). Serves him right as   forgiven  him  for keeping   Citizen has never the  Strawberry   Fields Forever/Penny   Lane  Beatles’   spot in 1967  with his much  single off of the top  (by grannies)     Me - thus    loved ballad Release   a perfect    of consecutive   interrupting sequence  one  hits  for the Fab  Four  between  number 1963       and 1969.   came    six times  The UK second in the 10 years   dreadful    Little   Birdie  was from 1959 when the Sing  Pearl  Carr and  Teddy Johnson    performed by        (who?).        EVEN WORSE    year we came   second  again with,  if The following    worse   performed  it was possible, aneven offering  brother   Bryan  Johnson   with  the typicalby Teddy’s  offering   Looking High.  ly repetitive Eurovision of

High, High (Looking Low. Low, how   Low).  Jeez,  bad does  it get?      The only   other  UK runners up worth mentioning are Cliff sacrificing  Richard     his rock’n’roll creden tials in 1968  with the execrable   Congratulations   and his - a great  backing   group The Shadows   instrumental  combo   - misguidedly   singing  Let Me  Be The One in 1975.      IRELAND      Ireland in  has won a record  7 times,   most  recently  1996. Citizen would   guess that   they are in no hurry to win again country   as the victorious    gets the dubious  honour   of staging  the following years  contest, it seems, is increasingly  an event  which,      more difficult nowadays.

Writing  to fund  and  afford     in The in May 2010, Jonathan  Guardian     Moles suggested that: “The  financial crisis means   that showing offis a       luxury that  many European  countries  can no longer  afford...”   concluding that “...very few countries  actually   seem to want to win and spend  money they just don not  have.”   This have out  year, 4 nations   opted   - Bosnia and Herzegovina,  Slovakia, Turkey   and Portugal   - the  country of competing,   with the longest  history     yet without  a winin 46  attempts.   The Eurovision is open to all  Song Contest   member nations of the EBU (European Broadcasting      Union) Turkey  which  includes    (97%   of which is in Asia) and several   other  non-European    nations   inc.

Iraq, Jordan   and  even part of Syria   (who  perhaps unsurprisingly   are not  competing   this year)!

The final takes place  in Malmo  on 18th May,  Sweden won are  having    last year.  There   39 nations  competing  with  only  one - Israel - from  outside Europe.            BONNIE   TYLER   Our entry average UK  is Believe   in Me - an above   Eurovision in Bonnie  song by a quality  performer    Tyler  of Holding  Out  For a Hero   and It’s A Heartache  fame. The  latter is a song that Citizen  recalls playing over a hotel poolside   constantly   tannoy in the  in Spain   summer   of 1978, the  quality of which rendered the   lyrics almost  indecipherable  so that  it ended   up sounding   like “It’s A Hard Egg” - a bit like the in ques the breakfast   establishment   tion served  up for breakfast,   come  to think  of  it.

There are two semi-finals on the preceding days    in which 16 and   17 nations  respectively   will be reduced to against plus  20 to compete    each  other,   the holders along  (Sweden)   with the ‘Big 5’ permanent Germany,  fixtures in the contest:      United   Kingdom, France, Italy     and Spain.  It’s all a bit like the footie, isn’t it, with us getting to the finals and 7<1:C27<5/:=<5B63E/GI::'63$@3A723<BJA then ! not  winning!       IRON CURTAIN  /<2I@/;3@DA@/;3@J$7< Included for   this  time  is San   Marino - much  loved  a regular   thrashing   in international   football qualify ing tournaments.   Sadly, that other state enclave within of Italy - the Vatican - is  the borders     not  participating – they been   have  probably   far too busy voting  on other matters   of late.     What makes the voting   process   so fascinating   and definitely returning from the  worth     pub   for - is the potential allocation of points   for the partisan   between The UK   culturally  neighbouring   countries.    always  votes for Ireland.  Ireland  always  votes for  the UK. Other countries also seem to like   the Irish (what’s not to like?) but fewer seem to the     favour  UK. Perhaps we    throw our toys out  of  the  pram in Europe good?  too much  for our  own    The former countries   Iron Curtain   also  tend  to show a - apart  leaning  towards   one  another   from Russia. of the will,   The 6 states   former  Yugoslavia   of course,  be under-represented     in the reciprocal voting due and   stakes   to the  absence  of Bosnia  Herzegovina.         Finally, it will certainly   be interesting    to see how many votes give to  Greece and  Cyprus   Germany this time around!

All in all, it’s definitely   worth watching  (and returning  from the pub for).....once all the songs have all been sung!

Page The Edge 01245 348256  8 

The Edge 199_The Edge 172.qxd 24/04/2013 12:15 Page 9

  



 





 

 



 

 



 



 

                              Check this out, readers! Isn’t it starting your tastebuds tingling (so long as   not a vegetarian,   of course)?         you’re                        Hog  Roast S&M   style   (see  their  advert  Butchers   on The This is a Super     page)    and   they should   know    what   they’re  doing    Edge’s classified as they   40 years  experience    in the butchery  and catering  trade and  always have over     service,   value,  blah  etc.          outstanding    quality offer and                    more,   if you  really   like    bangers,   of award      your    S&M   makers What’s are  sausages,   why  not    readers?         so    give them   a go,   winning              have    numerous    packages     customers,   from the  Full They to offer their ranging    includes    the hiring  of all equipment,    right  way   down  to DIY   the  Monty, which   for those    ofyou  who   simply  want  a crack.    to give a hog   roast     packages                    far too  S&M   offer  carve      lazy for  that,    a cook   serve But if you’re even and               and your guests    have got to worry   about is how   much of package, so all you 







SUPER  HOG ROASTS

  can fit in your  tummies.         it you           There’s also the extras which include rolls, butter, sausage meat stuffing,  extra    napkins     for £495. (Satisfies   apple sauce, crackling, plates....all 100)               all of the salads     include a mixed leaf salad Then there’s to consider, which  tomatoes, cucumber, celery and radishes. And what about coleslaw? with Or potato salad? Or red onion salad? All of which is made by S&M, naturally.                  even got   a special     package  that includes all of the extras “We’ve wedding  you  could   ever think   Adam Smith    that and salads of,” says of S&M. “Naturally   the hog roast  itself, sausages,   burgers and  chicken  also includes kebabs, all for £995.” (Satisfies 150 - 200)                cater  for pretty  much  any occasion there is, be it garden   In short, S&M  functions,  school  functions/fetes,     birthdays,     parties, work christenings,     etc.  with prices starting   £300.    anniversaries etc. etc. at just              their bloomin’ super     all year   readers,   And they even supply hog roasts round,  special     between   Monday and  Thursdays    (excluding   bank with offers available  weekends).           holiday  S&M’s  BBQ's    as well.   Don’t forget and lamb roasts        /2562708/=12<,866.;,2*5 They even cover the whole of Essex (and beyond) too. %              contact   Steve   or Adam  on Chelmsford (01245) 351308 For further enquires, or log on to: www.smbutchers.com 

Fishfinger Sandwiches

                           The Edge has only just found out that our fishy friends at Loch Fyne      serve....wait menu,    for it....fishfinger    sandwiches  on their  lunchtime   readers   (2-courses  for £9.95 or 3-courses for £11.95....bargain!).

How about eh?

Surely loves sandwiches???    that,    everyone   fishfinger    Edge    have  to have   a word with them though, Mind you, The will   they’re   actually  haddock   goujons   served with home-made because         tartar sauce.          What?!?!?!        



 

The Edge has always adored FF sandwiches with good old ketchup!

BAR 1 Whether it’s a birthday celebration, an anniversary, engagement, wedding, hen party or stag doo... whatever the occasion, BAR 1 is the place to PARTY! 80 guests or more (250 max) HIRE: £375 (18+) All bookings subject to availability Terms and conditions apply.

In the RESTAURANT...from romantic tables for two to full-on dinner party celebrations, offering our Italian a la carte menu.

Party Menus available from £15.50 (2-courses inc. coffee) Also gourmet and themed nights with ‘live music’

BAR 1

1 Exchange Way, Chelmsford, CM1 1XB. Tel: 01245 505880 www.bar1chelmsford.co.uk email: info@bar1chelmsford.co.uk

www.theedgemag.co.uk  Page9 

The Edge 199_The Edge 172.qxd 24/04/2013 12:25 Page 10



The



Gentleman

MAGGIE







                                                                                                                                                                                                               One is in mourning. and 2,000 it was  guests    relatively      The Lady in blue low-key.

Nice   to see  George   shed   has  taken  her   final ride around streets ding a not  at all politically    motivated   the wealthy   of London, tear as well  - they had  so much  in  and   one felt it only appro  priate to common,  and      Lady    not just  the   beady   to  send   Gentleman   even if hooray her on her merry way, eyes and the effeminate         features.                          the lefties were loitering.                            What a Leader.                  What a dish.                          One’s chums and I were a little ‘anti’                    when we first heard an ‘air head’   Facebook.com/theedgemagazine =:163AB3@             going   to  lead the  blues,        was but she   Twitter.com/TheEdgeMag    to defy her   counterparts                 was able  prove    all to all  that   she             actually    and              a pretty    set of   decent  iron balls, had   -,-2)/1,!)'*1&1/#"2!'+%    biguns    to boot.          and ruddy 1                  direct,   She was uncompromising,      but still had a touch of the mumsies                  not   her   about her,               and  just   shrill       tones either.                        the      Did kids need free milk?               muddy-faced    twerps No, you                 little    arses and get of your                earn  it.    North    manufacturing   Did the                   need   and industry?                        Stacking    Not really. shelves in a             teary   in the  is a touch  Bargain Booze outlet As for Cam’s   speech      lighter and warmer than the mines Commons, the Lady would have        rid              unless I’m dled as  the  baby-faced    gimp   a ‘little   mistaken.      And  just   think     of the wet sod’.        canaries.                Was ending apartheid “No. No. No, David.”     wrong?   brink  of Nuclear    Maggie     Do the On the      War,    Math.                      Britain was on its knees in the 70s, was able to manipulate the Yanks,         COME ON....IT’S A SERIOUS QUESTION. ready    smooth   overthe maverick   a right shafting;   the  left  for and even                 must     been    the workers   she DO YOU TRY TO SWAP IT, OR WHAT? unruly Russians have  - and      and  dangerous;           on         by  that  growth increasingly distracted   tectonic      powerful;   Europe      head. Local    on the up.  encroaching; Commys Gorbachev’s Note:        Go        ather     at      one  special Lady;   Queue and look   bunker   Kelvedon;    suppress  she’d  have made   it. Probably   growing entitlement  culture ing the a least                 or two     and punching had a clear   up of one    ‘bad    it right  in  the  Skargills;   you   pay making eggs’ in the  process.        buggers    your ruddy  the   at last.  way, As for been    utter berks  who’ve              The markets could riot, one  celebrating of Maggie,   the death         run     could invest. A nice bit of post- burning   an  effigy    in some   backward            And to top things  Imperial War. off, town, I say this to you. (1) It’s taste                     yes, I’ll say it, she was a neat less. (2) Get a job. (3) She’d have  bit of                   totty, even for a commoner. enjoyed it.                    That hair.

You couldn’t turn her then, and you             just   now  shivers.    Even won’t turn her now - and not    one              Like a plump white chocolate muffin, because she’s so ruddy stiff.             up - one   buttered    crumpet    - which a luxurious So, dearMaggie,   wake                       one is rather partial to. thinks we’ve all got something            to say  Thank  thought      was a stoic           One to you. you and goodnight.          the funeral            affair; cheap (Sniffs)         around       a tad   the          edges, but Graciously,       whatcan you do?  At         carriage,     leastwith a gun The Gentleman.   St Paul’s                       Edge 01245  348256  Page10 The                                                                

c c  





 





 



 



 





The Edge 199_The Edge 172.qxd 24/04/2013 12:31 Page 11

PRESENT THIS VOUCHER and receive a PROGRESS SUCKS



CAREERS ADVICE

 

Whatever happened to bus conductors swerving up  and down the aisles churning out tickets like shit-faced sailors?  They used to be brilliant, did bus conductors. But nowadays you have to sit on the urine-stinking (sometimes) bus like a lemon,   waiting for people to pay the driver....with the operative word  (Polish)    here  being ‘waiting’ and  not ‘Polish’.  Bus conductors  used to tweak their  for an  machines   a bit, a bit like you would  electric  guitar, then turn  the  handle really fast  and  out the ticket would   curl like a  TPDT (thin  paper dog  turd).  It used to be ace! A bit like a greengrocer wrapping up apples in brown    paper  bags and whirling of   them around  a couple   times. Or like  a petrol  pump  attendant  filling up your  car  for you when a tenner   used   the tank, instead of getto all but fill ting shafted like we are today and having  to poke up with  right smelly hands from  holding  the fuel-gun   ourselves.  I dunno, it’s all self-service today and like   it.  mugs, we pay MORE for     



When I was a kid at school, the fair (although oop north we used to  feast) used to roll into  call it the    the town once a year, during  and I used  to bloody  well summer,  it, I did.        love  dodgem cars   always  The have    (in the  been a particular favourite   crash into  days whenyou could  other)  and  I used  to think  the each      went from ‘money-collectors’ who   grabbing   car to car, onto the pole     each  dodgem  to  that connected   electricity   supply,   the overhead   geezers ever.   were just the coolest  a consequence,   I wanted  to be As  as  I went toSunday one, only !  and wasn’t   a ‘travelling   School   no chance.    pikey’, I had  jobs that got away,  eh?  Tut, the  you could’ve   been!  Just think what 



WASH, CUT & BLOW-DRY all for just

£23.00* 1/2 HEAD OF HIGHLIGHTS

£30.00*

Walk-in appointments also available! *Offers available all day Tuesday - Friday *Cannot be used in conjunction with any other promotional offer *Selected stylists only *Offer ends 31st May 2013 AUBERGINE THE SALON 6 RAINSFORD ROAD, CHELMSFORD, CM1 2QD. Tel: 01245 346348 We are just 50 metres from the County Hotel. LATE NIGHTS: Wednesdays & Fridays

AUBERGINETHESALON.CO.UK

CALL (01245) 346348  

 

 

 



    





 

           







 











 









 

  www.theedgemag.co.uk Page 11

The Edge 199_The Edge 172.qxd 24/04/2013 12:32 Page 12

David Sherman’s

BEVERAGE REPORT THE ALES OF WALES

Comedian turned food-writer and musician Adrian Edmonson found himself in the press for all the wrong reasons a few months ago. Being interviewed for Camra’s Beer magazine about his preferred tipples while out on tour, he joked, “There’s no good beer in Wales.” Ooh. Bad move, particularly in a world full of people who don’t understand that comedians tell jokes.

As with most jokes, there’s a background of fact to it. Welsh beer seemed to be particularly badly hit by the disappearance of independent breweries in the sixties and seventies and the beer scene took far longer than England did to recover any reasonable degree of choice. Respected local brands such as the spectacularly named Evans Evan Bevan (not three people’s names, but one) were swallowed up by the encroachment of Bass in the South, Allied Breweries in the North and Whitbread in the middle. As recently as the 90s, it was not uncommon to find Welsh towns where virtually every beer was fizz, such as Welsh Bitter or Worthington, and most of what was ‘real’ was nonetheless thin and lacking in character. Pint of Hancock’s anyone?

Thought not.

One of the survivors from the good old days is Brains of Cardiff.

Established in the city centre in 1882, they moved to the former Hancock’s brewery upon Bass’s departure in 1999; fortunately, that has not affected the beers which remain among the principality’s finest. Brains Bitter (3.7% ABV), rarely seen round these parts, is a typically easy-drinking South Wales quaffing ale, with a gentle biscuity malt character and a subtle hoppiness, which becomes more bitter towards the finish. SA, the stronger bitter at 4.2 % ABV, has a predictably more robust flavour. It’s considerably fuller in the body than its lighter sibling, and more rounded.

Despite the existence of many rumours about the meaning of the name, SA stands for nothing more dramatic than ‘Strong Ale’; not coincidentally, it’s also the initials of the brewery’s founder, Samuel Arthur Brain.

SA Gold (4.7%ABV), a beer of scarcely ten years’ pedigree, bears little resemblance to the aforementioned, but is fortunately not the kind of over-hopped parodies of beer that has blighted the British beer industry in recent times. Rather, it has the perfect balance of malt and hops that are shown elsewhere in the portfolio, contrasted with a subtle hint of citric zing in the nose and palate. Best of the bunch by far, though, is the legendary Brains Dark, a classic mild with

Page 12

caramel and roast notes dominating over a gentle but persistent hop character. The finish is very long-lasting, but not at all sating.

Wales also has the dubious distinction of having been home to the UK’s first lager brewery. Wrexham Lager was first brewed as far back as 1889 to supply the tastes of a number of German ex-pats who came to the area for work. Opinion varies as to the nature of the work they were doing - some say it was railway building, others that they were digging canals - but either way, they worked up a thirst and evidently didn’t find warm flat malty ales to their liking.

Wrexham Lager built up a local following which it retained into the late twentieth-century. Carlsberg-Tetley pulled the plug on the beer and the brewery in the 1990s - but now it’s back!

Never having drunk it under its previous guise, I can’t vouch for its faithfulness to the original taste, but it’s certainly good. The original Wrexham Brewery may have been demolished, but a new site has been set up in the town, claiming - with a degree of validity - to be brewing ‘Britain’s First Lager’. What they’ve come up with (their only beer so far, I believe) is a clean-tasting lager with the kind of bitterness you’d associate with an authentic continental product, rather than a bland British imitation. At 4% it’s eminently drinkable, albeit not likely to be rolled out to these parts any time soon.

More traditional brews can be found down the road at Monty’s Brewery, which having been established in 2009 is one of Wales’s newest micros. Their pale bitter, Sunshine, weighs in at 4.2 % ABV. Hopped with American Magnum and Chinook varieties, this beer is floral with an incredibly intense finish, which won it a Great Taste Award in 2011 - not bad for new kids on the block! Those who prefer darker beers can try Old Jailhouse (3.9% ABV) and indeed may already have done so under its previous name, Manjana, which proved far too difficult for licensees to spell and pronounce! A pleasantly bitter beer with plenty of malt to balance, this has a surprising late ‘hit’ of roast.

So take Ade Edmonson’s joke for what it was and check out some Welsh beer sometime. These are just three of the many producers now active in Wales (some large, some small). Whether you’ll find their beer around Chelmsford in the near future is debatable, but the Welsh countryside’s quite nice, you know. However, you’d be well advised to take a raincoat!

The Edge 077 646 797 44

The Edge 199_The Edge 172.qxd 24/04/2013 12:34 Page 13

GINGER MUTANTS

Why on earth did that geeky teenager need to build a DNA testing device in his bedroom to see whether his brother was ginger or not? Your bro’ is most definitely a ginga, lad; thee can take it as gospel so far as The Edge is concerned (see bottom picture, below).

Ginger Mutants, eh? Whoever would’ve thought that the movie’s prophecy (Mutant Ginger Turtles) would ultimately come true.

However, there still remains far too much Ginger Ostracisation in this world, if you want The Edge’s humble opinion, so this mags advice to all you red head’s out there is to pretty much carry on smiling, like this bloke (right) is doing. You see, thoroughly disgusting though his abundant facial hair may be, he is clearly one very happy dude, ginger or not.

The Edge actually thinks there should be a Ginger Day not only every year, but every month, in order to show solidarity to our GMF (ginGinger Action Man ger mutant friends). On such days, people like Barack Obama, Tom Cruise, Tom Jones, Lily Allen and Natasha Kaplinsky should all go ginger for a day.

And if there’s such a thing as Movember for moustaches in November, which there is, then whatever’s wrong with Gobtober in support of Ginger Mutants in October?

To conclude: Stem Ginger has got to be one of the sexiest root vegetables known to man and Ginger biscuits have always been blinding when dipped in a brew. So the thought of human beings not having one token ginger person as a friend The Edge, quite frankly, finds abhorrent. All those in favour, say, “Aye!” Brothers. Yes, really!

Present this voucher when booking and receive a 20% DISCOUNT off your first treatment when you quote THE EDGE! Acacia Beauty Rooms is set in the beautiful grounds of Pontlands Park Hotel and has been established for over 10 years offering a team of excellent therapists with a first class reputation.

Spa Days Beauty & Holistic Treatments Aromatherapy Brazilian & Hollywood Waxing Hot Stone Massage St. Tropez Tanning Hopi Ear Candles GIFT VOUCHERS AVAILABLE Acacia Beauty Rooms, rear of Pontlands Park Hotel, West Hanningfield Road, Great Baddow, Chelmsford, CM2 8HR. Telephone: (01245) 478620 www.acaciabeauty.com www.theedgemag.co.uk

Page 13

The Edge 199_The Edge 172.qxd 24/04/2013 12:35 Page 14

WHAT IS THIS NONESENSE ALL ABOUT? No-one is ever going to pull the wool over The Edge’s eyes, for these are not and never will be so-called Onesies....they are bloody Romper Suits for adults who ought to bloody well know better!

OK, OK, so the girl does look kind of cute and wholesome and cuddly, but that’s only because we’re talking ‘IEA’ (incredibly easy access) here.

Christ, even Brad Pitt was spotted wearing one. What is going onnnnnnnn? And it’s surely coming to something when the likes of ASDA comment: “We are attributing the massive spike (spike?) of interest in the onesie due to the fact that so many celebrities are wearing them.”

What, like those twats in One Direction?

Meanwhile, get a load of this: “In Essex, Jessica Wright and Ricky Rayment were recently ‘papped’ wearing customised his-and-her onesie sets from Onesie Nation, while Joey Essex opted for a Fair Isle print onesie from One Piece.”

Eh? What sort of jibberish is being spoken here? For starters, The Edge has never even heard of any of those three herberts, let alone the outlets where said ROMPER SUITS were acquired.

Anyway, here’s some DO’s and DON’T’s as regards onesie-wearing, if you really, really have to:DO wear matching-ish ‘statement’ headgear as well.

DON’T wear a onesie if you’re over the age of 25 (sorry, shouldn’t that read 5?).

DO wear underwear beneath to avoid the chafing of the inner thighs.

DON’T wear a onesie to a job interview.

Oh bollocks to this. In short, DON’T wear a Romper Suit at all anywhere outside of the home, and that includes to open the front door to pick up the milk (not that anyone has milk delivered to their home by a milkman in bottles any more, sadly).

“Spring into action with our Quick Tips to maximise your sale”

Merrick Allen MNAEA Director

Your INFORMATIVE Estate Agent

First impressions are not only important when selling your home, they are absolutely critical.

When people come to view a property for the very first time, they are unlikely to be scrutinising the unseen. They are simply trying to get a feel for the property and they will be bombarded with mostly visual impressions, many of which you can manage.

Make sure that you also polish any chrome as well, using lime scale remover if necessary.

For example, if your kitchen is looking tired, it can easily be spruced up with new cabinet doors. Even just replacing the handles can have the desired effect, or you could go that little bit further and fit new work surfaces. Kitchen flooring, which may be passed its best, is also usually quite inexpensive to replace.

Outside: Now that Spring looks to be here at last flowerbeds can instantly be given a new lease of life with a generous helping of shredded tree bark compost. Freshly-mown lawns with neat edges look impressive, as do paths which have recently been weeded. Patio areas are more appealing when they look like they are enjoyed regularly, so it’s worth having your garden furniture out rather than packed away. The same applies to children’s play equipment if you are selling a family home.

Bathrooms can look almost as good as the day they were installed simply with a bit of work on the grouting. Hack out any discoloured grout between the tiles or sealant around the wash basins, baths and showers, and replace with new. It’s inexpensive, effective, and will look as good as new again.

Declutter. Buyers want to imagine themselves living there, not you, so don’t distract them with too much of your own stuff - although a cosy home is generally more appealing than a clinical one!

The key is to achieve a neat, yet lived-in look, which will appeal to the heart as well as the head!

www.thehomepartnership.co.uk 11 Duke Street, Chelmsford CM1 1HL Telephone: 01245 250222 Page 14

The Edge 077 646 797 44

The Edge 199_The Edge 172.qxd 24/04/2013 13:03 Page 15

ZORBA the GREEK

PHOTOGRAPHIC COMPOSITION This one I call ‘The Man with No Head’ for obvious reasons, readers.

Check out the look on the woman’s face if you don’t believe me?

“Cor, you’ve got no bonce, mister,” is what she is obviously saying to him.

When the sun’s out and there’s shadows on the ground, I do like to photograph random strangers - when I’ve had a beer - even though I’m not very good at it and I don’t really know what I’m doing.

But it’s the taking part that counts, isn’t it? And all you do is press a button (on your camera) and hey presto, yet another masterpiece is captured (or not, as the case may be).

What’s more, I always know my ‘work’ is going to get published, don’t I. Of course, some people are a little bit precious about themselves and don’t really like their photograph being taken by oddballs such as myself, but that’s just one of the downsides of being an amateur ‘pap’.

Have a go yourselves, readers, and send your efforts to....

Another Level Medispa on Can Bridge Way in Chelmsford (near the Odeon cinema) serves to bridge the gap between cosmetic surgery and beauty therapies in the ever expanding non-surgical aesthetics market.

ALM brings the secrets of the ‘stars’ to the forefront of its services with Laser Skin Rejuvenation, Thread Vein Removal, Pigmentation & Sun Damage, Injectables, Prescribed Skin Peels, DermaPen, Radiofrequency Face and Body Tightening & Lifting, Medical Microdermabrasion, Ultrasound Liposuction and Diode Laser Body contouring, to name but a few.

Perminder Birk, owner and pioneer of the company, has always been an advocate of using innovative technologies from an early stage to serve as a preventative course of action to the scalpel. “This allows ALM clients to achieve results that are far more natural looking, thus offering effective solutions that do not halt, but become an enjoyable part of one’s busy lifestyle,” says Perminder.

In addition, as a fully rounded clinic, ALM also provides all of the essentials you would expect of a beauty salon - and more - including Laser Hair Removal and Waxing, Lash Extensions, Highly Defined

www.theedgemag.co.uk

Had a Lamb and a Chicken Souvla to take-away from Harry Stotle at Zorba the Greek’s last night, after a lovely few jars in t’Ale House.

Harry says that the souvla and his souvlakis are the two healthiest dishes on his menu as they’re both charcoal grilled....but you know The Edge, readers, so it may well have got that wrong (even though it thinks it’s actually got it right for once).

I reckon you need a ‘green dish’ as an accompaniment to such dishes though, ’Arry, seeing as it’s Mediterranean fayre after all?

A reader recommended Zorba’s to The Edge and you can even sit down and eat in there as well.

And hey, I must also visit Platform 3 as that looked blinding in there when I passed; very cosy indeed.

The Edge is pleased this particular end of town is now well quiche.

rm 3 Platfuoated at

is sit p of the to Road ct i V adu site the o p ! op tation bus s

WINE TAST ING E p l u sVCEHNEING Tues.

E 14th SE

Ma y Ticke ts 7 :0 0 p £ 1 5 m

Railway Arches, Chelmsford. www.zorbathegreek.co.uk 01245 357232

Brows, Spray Tanning and a Nail Bar that glamorously surpasses the standard Mani/Pedi with Minx, Gels, Nail Art and Acrylic Enhancements.

From June, ALM will be launching their Saturday morning clinics with their very own in-house doctor carrying out therapies such as Botox, Dermal Fillers, Chemical Peeling, Hyperhidrosis treatments (botox injections for excessive sweating), Sculptra - ’The Liquid Facelift’, Sclerotherapy (for vein removal) and both skin tag and milia removal.

“Without doubt, ALM is the City of Chelmsford's most comprehensive hot spot destination to achieve all of your skincare and aesthetic goals all under one roof,” says Perminder.

Another Level Medispa 01245 260600 www.anotherlevelmedispa.com

Perminder Birk

SPECIAL OFFER

Face-lifting & skin tightening using Radio Frequency £75* for one treatment or ‘course of 6’ for £375

SPECIAL OFFER

Non-Surgical Ultrasound Liposuction & Radio Frequency 3 treatments for £100

* Equivalent treatment in Harley Street would cost £500

Page 15

If you have a printing challenge ask the Reprohouse team for help. Whether you want a set of notes copying and collating, an exhibition stand to make you stand out or you want technical drawings or plans printing in large format why not get in touch and tell us about your project.

What we do: Colour or black & white copying, plotting from autocad, A4/A3 digital copying & printing, scanning, digital archiving, CGI & full graphic printing, encapsulating, laminating & mounting services, plan/document overnight courier service, digital and analogue printing, Plotting machine sales and graphic design.

CALL US NOW ON O1245 362 121 ReproHouse // Drakes Lane Industrial Park // Boreham // Chelmsford // Essex CM3 3BE T. 01245 362 121

F. 01245 361 911 E. mail@reprohouse.co.uk

reprohouse www.reprohouse.co.uk

OUR PRINTERS NEED

FANTASTIC RATES FOR OUR STUDENT CHUMS

The Edge 199_The Edge 172.qxd 24/04/2013 12:58 Page 18

Popping Out for a Bite!

The wife was out the other evening, so it was either a jacket spud and baked beans with grated cheese on top yet again for yours truly (as it’s pretty much all I can cook) or popping out to the all new ‘The Admiral’ on Arbour Lane I had a lovely pint of Aspall’s - my favourite tipple at the moment - and a Chicken Supreme with gratin potatoes (which were yummy), roasted shallots and mushrooms from the blackboard menu and sat there on my Jack Jones to scoff the lot, looking like a right flaming saddo I’ll bet.

One of my criticisms of this former Alma pub was that it was always so very chilly in there, only now it’s lovely and warm and cosy from the moment you walk through the door.

The new owners, Fireside, have also done away with the barstools, so their colours seem as though they have been clearly tied to the mast in so far as this is now a gastro pub, as opposed to a drinkers pub, and The Edge can only commend them for that.

I shall no doubt return at a later date with the good lady wife and give it a proper critique in the mag. However, from just a quick glance at their menu, I reckon it’s going to be the Pork Ribs followed by a 12oz ribeye steak for me, as that’s what I’d eat every evening, if I had the opportunity.

Arbour Lane, Chelmsford. T. 01245 256783

POSH TOTTY

Every now and then your editor spots a bit of ‘posh in a frock’ and decides to share her with you to see whether you agree. This month, the dubious honour falls upon the delectable shoulders of Susanna Reid of BBC’s Breakfast News.

Susanna (42) studied Politics, Philosophy and Law at the University of Bristol.

In 2010 the BBC received complaints about Susanna’s apparent cleavagerevealing clothing and all-round general demeanor, indicating that she had ‘acted like a schoolgirl on her first date’ during an interview with Hugh Grant, not to mention some downright ‘flirtatious behaviour’.

In response, she said, “After breastfeeding three children, I am amazed

Purrrrrrrrrrrr!

Bet Bill Turnbull’s never seen her dressed like this, I’ll bet!

However, The Edge doubts that any of you are much interested in that.

You just think that newsreaders read the news, don’t you....and you forget that they probably get up to all sorts when they’re not in front of the cameras.

Page 18

that people still think I have a cleavage worth complaining about.”

Susanna has, apparently, attracted quite a male fanbase on the internet, which is where, The Edge can only assume, these ‘fantastical’ photographs have been created....in the minds oh her somewhat disgusting ‘male fanbase’.

However, Ms Reid denies that she ever dresses in a “purposefully revealing manner”.

Furthermore, Hugh Grant was unavailable for comment, which pretty much confirms she was up for it.

Susanna’s a proper lady really.

The Edge 077 646 797 44

The Edge 199_The Edge 172.qxd 24/04/2013 13:11 Page 19

SHIT CHELMSFORD!

   

    





  



  



 





                      

Should have gone to

                                 Whatever    the dispute,   we are the experts in conflict resolution      and  are   here  to  help                    Chelmsford: 01245 492200 Colchester: 01206 767388        Harlow:    01279   311431                                                                            

www.essexmediation.co.uk

The Edge was up in London the other day and noticed that someone had left a Time Out magazine on a seat down in one of the underground stations. So naturally I bagged it and as I was having a peek through, I noticed a section called ‘Shit London: We love London, even its cruddy bits’.

So I got to thinking that surely we can replicate that sort of feature in The Edge as regards Chelmsford, CAN’T WE??? (The can’t we bit is in caps because I feel sure that we could, if only you readers could be arsed enough to take part. Only you don’t, do you? You just sit on your backsides.... What’s more, I even hear that some of you read The Edge whilst you’re sitting on the toilet, you disgusting specimens, you. Tut, fancy reading the mag every month without ever taking any actual part by contributing anythingt.)

OK, rant over. As ever, I’d best kick us off.

For your editor, personally, it’s got to be the right shit colour (and it is the colour of shite) of Chelmsford Market.

Now DON’T get on your high horses, all of you market traders, because The Edge has every sympathy with you after the winter you lot have had to endure in there. Gordon Bennett, you must have been freezing your proverbials off at times. So listen, it’s just the COLOUR of your establishment that I’m having a pop at, OK? (Oh, and the smell the market often omits. That and the stench of Subway are not The Edge’s favourite.)

How on this earth do you ever imagine Chelmsford Market came to be the colour of shite, hmmmmm?

Did whoever was responsible (because someone must have been, and the chances are they’ll get to hear about this article too, only will they respond, that is the question?) for choosing the colour realise what they were doing?

The Edge thinks that they did and reckons that a very brief conversation occurred somewhat along the lines of this:Contractor: “I can do you all these nice colours for X, but if you don’t mind having it the colour of, to all intents and purposes, shite, then you can have it for Y?” (i.e. somewhere around about half-the-price).

Councillor: “Deal. I’ll take the right shite colour then.”

Yes, The Edge accepts that CCC have taken strides to disguise the brown (see below), but that doesn’t alter the fact that someone remains accountable.

Right, so that’s kicked-off this BRAND NEW right riveting series of something called ‘Shit Chelmsford’. So The Edge now wants to hear from you readers about the next one, yeah? So take a photograph showing something that’s shit about Chelmsford and let The Edge know why it is.

Send to shaun@theedgemag.co.uk Simple as!



                       









  



             











 





   

  





                                



    





 

   









 

 



  





 

        

   





   





   

 

    









                                                            

SURELY SOMEONE  WOULD GIVE YOU A TENNER FOR IT???        



 

 

Tel: 01245 905 805 www.webwax.co.uk

www.twitter/ webwaxdesign www.facebook.com/ webwaxdesign 26 Broomfield Road, Chelmsford, Essex CM1 1SW www.theedgemag.co.uk











Page 19 

The Edge 199_The Edge 172.qxd 24/04/2013 13:13 Page 20

ATTENTION LADIES! They say that the way to a man’s heart is not via an incredibly sharp six inch knife, but through his stomach.

That said, ladies, The Edge feels certain that you will all be absolutely right riveted to learn that Jude Law’s favourite sandwich is thus: “Ham, cheese and mustard on crunchy white bread.”

Told you you’d be riveted!

Chelmsford’s Cultural Calendar After a year in which Chelmsford hosted the Olympic Torch and celebrated its journey through the county in style, our City will once again be Essex’s centre for culture in 2013.

This year, five unique community events are planned to take place alongside the world famous ‘V’ festival.

High in the Sky The season will begin in May with a stunning FREE Twilight Spectacle.

On Saturday 25th May in Wharf Road car-park the Voalá Project from Spain present their show Voalá Station - a thrilling and emotional story where commuters abandon their briefcases and become entwined in a choreographed dance high in the sky….

Then in July, The 3foot People Festival returns for its eighth year.

This is the largest outdoor festival exclusively for under 5s in the UK and this year it will take place for an extra day (across four days) from 1st - 4th July. Thousands of preschool children and their parents (or carers) will be overwhelmed with wonder as they experience this unique festival in Central Park.

Tents & Tepees The beautiful village of tents, tepees and domes will host an array of playful activities to inspire and entertain, including a gigantic sand pit, arts & crafts, storytelling and music & movement areas.

An allocation of tickets for The 3foot People Festival go on sale to Leisure Plus card holders on Saturday 27th April, with general ticket release on Wednesday 1st May. Further details can be found at www.chelmsford.gov.uk/3foot.

Tickets always sell out very quickly, so please do book early.

Page 20

The Fling The Fling Festival of assorted amusements will also return to Chelmsford’s Central Park on Saturday 6th July. At the last Fling in 2011, adults up to the age of 80+ enjoyed live music, stand-up comedy and cabaret, alongside quirkier activities such as adult storytelling, costume-making and burlesque classes. The Fling offers an intriguing alternative to the usual Saturday night out and alongside playful activities stars a fabulous cast of professional artistes and local talent who will explore, seduce and surprise your senses through performances, sideshows, poetry, a huge silent disco and much, much more.

The Fling is about the magnitude of the small wonders that you’ll discover, although the festival has already secured some great headline music acts. he Correspondents are a duo of musical mixologists who, with their high speed scatting and incredulous dance moves, earned themselves The Telegraph’s ‘Top Ten Highlights’ of Glastonbury two years in a row. Janice Long of Radio One said on Public Service Broadcasting that they were: “Amazing, I absolutely loved it.

Fantastic!” They have also gone on to win accolades at 6 Music and elsewhere.

The third act to be announced for The Fling, with dozens more to come, is Extra Curricular - a group that combine soul with elements of rock, hip-hop and modern bass culture. They’ve been pushing their unique brand of soul-driven music on the UK underground ‘live’ circuit since early 2009 and their live show is definitely something to be wit-

nessed. We’re also very pleased to announce that the fantastic By The Rivers will also be performing.

Hailed as ‘reggae for a new generation’, this sensational six-piece band are sure to get you in the party mood!

Early Bird Tickets for 2013 are available now until Tuesday 7th May. Further details and online booking are available at www.chelmsford.gov.uk/fling In autumn, the brand new event ‘Sensation - A Festival of the Senses’ will take place, with activities happening in different venues throughout Chelmsford City Centre.

The Cultural Events Team at Chelmsford City Council would like to invite the local community to get involved with delivering this year’s events programme. If you belong to a creative grou, or have a hidden talent that could engage preschool children at The 3foot People Festival, turn the heads of adults at The Fling, or tease the senses at Sensation, then they want to hear about it. There are also opportunities to volunteer as an event steward or coordinate activities at all of the events. For further details about how you can participate, please email the Cultural Events Team at events@chelmsford.gov.uk The events programme is brought to you by the Cultural Events Team at Chelmsford City Council with the support of The Essex Chronicle, The Meadows Chelmsford, Essex & Suffolk Water, High Chelmer Shopping Centre, M&G Investments, Seymour House, The Printing Place and BBC Essex.

For more information about these events, including ticket updates, please visit: www.chelmsford.gov.uk/events Find the team on Facebook at www.facebook.com/culturaleventsteam or follow on Twitter at www.twitter.com/culteventsteam

ATTENTION HAIR DRESSERS! Can any of you hairdressers out there tell The Edge what you’d do with Christopher Walken’s barnet, hmmmmmm?

He always seems to ‘wear it’ in the direction that it simply doesn’t want to go.

So come on, what suggestions do you have as he surely can’t carry on looking like this!

GREAT QUOTES OF OUR TIME! “Carving meat is so darn hard.

Why the hell aren’t animals square?”

“Faith is like a giant wheel-clamp.”

“I keep on just shitting myself.”

POSTING MAIL

The Edge’s New York columnist Steve Ward doesn’t appreciate that it costs £4.50 to send him a mag every month, or that I have to drive to Moulsham Street and park on double-yellow lines outside George’s Post Office in order to do so.

He thinks he saves me money because I don’t pay him (or anyone) to write their columns.

The Edge 077 646 797 44

The Edge 199_The Edge 172.qxd 24/04/2013 13:13 Page 21

The Edge 01245 348256

Page 21

The Edge 199_The Edge 172.qxd 24/04/2013 13:21 Page 22

ONLY JOKING! Right Bastard

My wife told me that I can be a right bastard sometimes, so I’ve chosen Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.

Q&A Q. What’s got three inches and only goes in one direction?

A. Louis Walsh’s cock.

Invitation My date invited me back to her place for a coffee last night. No sooner had we walked through the door than she ripped her clothes off and pushed me down onto the sofa. As she undid my flies and swung her leg over me, I said, “Aren’t you forgetting something?”

“Oh, don’t worry about a condom,” she said, “I’m on the pill.”

I said, “I was talking about my f ing coffee.”

***

Jewish Elbow A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown-up grandson who is coming to visit her with his wife.

"You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301.

I will buzz you in. Come inside. The elevator is on your right. Get in and with your elbow, push level 3. When you get out, I am the first door on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell."

"Grandma, that all sounds very easy, but why am I constantly hitting all of these buttons with my elbow?”

"What???” says the grandmother. “Are you coming to see me empty handed???"

Big Western Fan My mate’s a big western fan so went to get a tattoo of an Indian on his back. Halfway through he said, "Don't forget to put a big tomahawk in his hand, will you?" The tattooist replied, "Give us a chance mate, I've only just finished his turban."

Choices When I was born I was given the choice of a big pecker or a good memory, only I don’t even remember what I chose....

Family Business An old Italian man is dying. So he calls his grandson to his bedside.

“Guido,” he says, “Guido, I wan' you lissena me.

I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa,” says Guido, “I really don't-a like-a guns. How about you leave me your nice Rolex watch insteada?"

"You lissena me, boy,” says his grandpa.

“Somma day you gonna be runna da family business. You gonna get a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big home and maybe a couple of bambinos. An’ sure-a enough, somma day you gonna come home and maybe finda your wife

inna bed wi’ another man. So whatta y’gonna do then? Point to y’watch an’ say, 'times up'?”

Chance A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away.

The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for £5,000 or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for £500."

The man thought about his options for a while and told the undertaker that he would like to have his wife shipped home.

The undertaker raised his eyebrows and asked, "Why ever would you spend £5,000 to ship your wife home when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would only spend £500?"

The man replied, "Long ago, Jesus Christ died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I’m sorry, but I simply can't afford to take that chance."

Paddy says, “I tink it kills 99% of all known household germs, to be sure, to be sure.”

“Question three: What happened when the disciples went to Mount Olive?"

“Ah, that’s an easy one,” says Paddy. "Popeye kicked six bells of shit out o’dem, if memory serves me correctly.”

Hindsight In hindsight, I should have posted my Facebook status as: "I've blown the head gasket on my 1999 XR3i" as opposed to: "I've just buggered a 14 year old escort".

The police still haven't seen the funny side, my laptop's been confiscated and the wife’s gone to stay at her mothers for a bit.

Hokey Cokey Addiction It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Cokey, but I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.

Midget

Koran

A midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was known as ‘a Small Medium at Large’.

A Muslim bloke I work with was telling me he had the Koran on DVD, but our friendship took a turn for the worse when I asked him if he’d burn me a copy.

Scientists Scientists have revealed they have found a new drug for depressed lesbians. It’s called Trydixagain.

Husband Wanted A lady inserted an ad into the classifieds saying simply: ‘Husband Wanted’.

Within days she had received hundreds of letters, all saying exactly the same thing: "You can have mine if you want."

Job Application Murphy applied for a fermentation operator post at a famous Irish brewery based in Dublin.

A Pole also applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test by the manager.

When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of a possible 20.

The manager went over to Murphy and said, "Thank you for coming to the interview, but we've decided to give the Pole the job."

Murphy immediately threw his hands up in the air. "Ah, why would you be doin’ that?” he demanded. “We both scored 19 questions correctly. This being Ireland and me being Irish, surely I should get the job?"

The manager said, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you got wrong."

Murphy looked confused and said, "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than another?"

The manager said, "Try this for size. On question number seven, the Pole wrote down: ‘I don't know the answer to this question’, whilst you wrote down: ‘Neither do I'."

Dwarf A dwarf goes to a doctor’s surgery and asks, "Do you treat dwarves?"

The doctor replies, "Yes, but I’m generally very busy, you’ll have to be a little patient."

Irish Priest?

An Irishmen wanting to become a Priest went to see a Bishop who said, "You must first answer me three questions on the Bible. Question one: Who was born in a stable?"

Paddy replies quick as a flash, “Red Rum.” “Question two: What do you think of Damascus?"

30 Year of Marriage A couple were having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand and said, "Beth, soon we will have been married for 30 years and there's something I just have to know. In all of those years of marriage, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

Beth considered the question thoughtfully before she replied, "Well, Charles, I have to be honest with you and say that yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these past 30 years, but always for very good reason."

Charles was crestfallen and obviously hurt by his wife's confession, yet said, "I honestly never suspected, so please can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons'?"

Beth said, "The first time was shortly after we were married and we were about to lose our little home because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening when I went to see the bank manager and the next day he notified you that our loan would be extended?" Charles nodded vaguely and said, "I suppose I can forgive you for that. You saved our home after all. But what about the second time?"

Beth said, “Do you remember when you were so sick and you were off work for weeks and weeks and they were going to sack you from your job?

Only I went to see your boss one evening and persuaded him to keep you on as I knew you were on the mend?”

"I do recall that occasion, yes," sighed her husband, “and of course I can forgive you for that.

But what about the third time?"

"Ah," said his wife. “Alright, well, do you remember when you ran for the captaincy of your golf club and you only needed ten more votes to secure the position......???"

Catalogue Two Irishmen were looking through a mail order catalogue.

Paddy says, "Corrrrrrr! Look at these gorgeous women! And the prices are reasonable too."

Mick wholeheartedly agreed. "I'm ordering me’sel’ one right now," he said.

Two weeks later Paddy says to Mick, "Has your woman turned up yet?"

"No," says Mick, "but it shouldn't be too long now cos her clothes have turned up.”

All jokes published are supplied by Edge readers. Please send your ‘egg yokes’ to shaun@theedgemag.co.uk

The Edge 199_The Edge 172.qxd 24/04/2013 14:46 Page 23

M

‘interview style’ questions. Instead, put your own neck on the chopping board, state your opinions about numerous things and immediately watch them say something like, “Oh, is that the time?”.

any men are never taught how to talk to women. Because of this, many guys go through life without ever gaining the ability to attract women. So here are The Edge’s ‘Top 15 Tips’ to help make sure you guys aren’t making mistakes with the women you’d like to attract.

1. You should talk about emotional topics such as childhood memories, future ambitions, or perhaps her passions (only not her ‘bedroom ones’; not ’til you’ve known her for at least, oooooh, ten years or so). These conversation topics are designed to open up her emotional floodgates and get her proper gushing.

2. Women want a guy who is not afraid to lead them; a bit like you do a horse to water. While talking to a woman, take control of the conversation and say something like, “So, what sort of a season do you think Barnsley have had?” Never wait for her to dictate what you’ll be talking about. Ever.

3. Pay attention to any ultra-subtle non-verbal clues a woman might be giving you. If you’re standing too close to her and are accidentally spitting whilst you talk, or you are making her feel uncomfortable by ‘invading her space’, she will doubtless send you a subtle hint which you would be well advised to pay attention to.

4. Remember this motto: ‘Fun, not funny’.

Women are attracted to men who allow them to have fun. But don’t concentrate on having the funniest jokes or taking the piss out of women.

Concentrate on showing them the most excitement and enjoyment possible....with their clothes on.

5. Tease women. One of the easiest ways to take a conversation to a fun and flirty level is to begin to tease women. Think back to your time in the playground when you used to drop things accidentally-

shaun@theedgemag.co.uk

10. Remember, it’s ‘statements over questions’.

Instead of saying, “Where did you grow up?” say something like, “You don’t look like you grew up around here because your skin’s an odd colour and your eyes are somehow different.” This allows you to make observations about women and express your personality to the full.

TOP TIPS on TALKING to WOMEN on-purpose in order to look up their dresses. In the world of dating, what worked in the playground will probably work again, and that includes skipping.

6. Get intimate with her. Women are turned on by men who are not afraid to take a conversation to a personal, intimate, unhygienic level, such as asking her whether she suffers from ‘thrush’ or when her next monthly-cycle is due.

7. Use things like ‘cold reads’ to turn women on.

Women love to hear opinions about themselves.

Tell her what you observe about her, such as the whiteness of her teeth, the way her hair casually flicks out, or the fact that you have noticed the sensual heaviness of her two wonderful norks.

8. Avoid complimenting a woman too much.

Women are turned off by men who come across as ‘needy’. If you are complimenting a woman too much she will think you are trying to impress her, which will have the exact opposite effect.

9. If you want to know how to talk to women in a way that doesn’t bore them, avoid asking too many

11. Don’t hide your identity. Don’t be afraid to talk about whatever you are passionate about, such as watching porn, F1, footie, your neighbour etc.

12. Never compliment her on her eyes, looks, or (worst of all) backside.

13. Say something that lets her know that you view her in a ‘sexual way’, because if you don’t, you run the risk of winding up in the ‘friend’ zone.

14. Use ‘conversation games’ to keep the mood fun and flirtatious. Games can be anything like ‘truth or dare’ or, to lesser extent. ‘strip poker’.

15. Don’t give away your hand so fast. Women like men who they find challenging. If you want to keep a woman’s interest, she has to feel like she is slowly winning you over. If she thinks you’re too easy, she’ll completely lose interest.

The best way to think about how to talk to women is to think about what kind of fun, both playful and sexual’, you would most like to have with them.

Talking to women doesn’t have to be difficult. You just need to be aware of what they are turned-on by and what turns them off. So follow the list (above) and you won’t go far wrong....much.

Page 23

The Edge 199_The Edge 172.qxd 25/04/2013 14:40 Page 24

Mistress Rachel

taboo

LADIES! LADIES! LADIES!

EROTIC

www.domme-play-norfolk.co.uk TEL: 07722 956 285 www.taboo.uk.com

10% DISCO UNT upon p

roduct ion of this EDGE advert isemen t ’til 31/5 /13

MAY MADNESS - 20% OFF EVERYTHING THIS MONTH ONLY!

Here’s one that’ll interest you. The Edge has it on good authority that Canadian actor Ryan Gosling is one of the front-runners to play ultra-minted Christian Gray in the movie version of that right fat woman’s trilogy, Fifty Shades of Shite.

To be honest, The Edge hadn’t even heard of Ryan Gosling, he’s obviously that popular. However, whoever lands the lead role, surely it’ll sound the death-knell of their career?

However, it is important to get the lead character just right, which is why The Edge would like to nominate none other than Laurence Fox for the role. Yes, that’s right, he who is better known as Detective Sergeant Hathaway in what used to be ITV’s Lewis.

In this mag’s eyes, Laurence is bristling with both pedigree and breeding; his uncle is Edward Fox, for gawd’s sake, who starred in one of The Edge’s all time favourite movies The Day of the Jackal.

Furthermore, Laurence is married to Billie Piper, so that’s got to be worth an extra point or two, and he’s also a musician in his own right with his very own label (Fox Cub)....so put that in your pipe and smoke it, Ryan, lad.

Meanwhile, out of all the girlies penciled-in to play the part of Anastasia Steele (and what a bloody daft name that is), only Mila Kunis (Black Swan) and Nina Dobrev (Vampire Diaries) seem fit for purpose, although Sophia Bush does have an ASS (appropriate sounding surname).

Fifty Shades is definitely going to be a chick flick of gargantuan proportions, whilst it’s also rather unflatteringly being dubbed as mummy porn, which is a slur on all of you lovely yummy mummies out there, this mag thinks.

In short, E. L. James produced three incredibly dull novels with some proper cringeworthy dialogue and ‘sexcapades’ that involved bondage, whips and handcuffs that all led young, innocent (or so we were led to believe) Anastasia to have some truly ‘explosive’ orgasms.

Naturally you’d be hard-pressed to find a bigger crock of shite and after meeting a genuine true dominitrix in the shape of ‘Mistress Rachel’ of Taboo recently (to discuss her advertisement details and nothing more, The Edge hastens to add), this mag can surely be forgiven for giving the forthcoming cinematic debut of Fifty Shades are rather large swerve.

Fact is, the only point of interest that has come to light out of the whole Fifty Shades furore appears to be the somewhat exciting knowledge that many women apparently appear to be aroused by the thought of sexual submission....although in women’s defense, we may as well add, “particularly if the bloke in question is drop dead gorgeous, hung like a Shetland Pony and rich beyond one’s wildest dreams”.

No doubt The Edge will be forced to sit through the DVD version of Fifty Shades of Shite one day....it’s just a shame Laurence Fox won’t be in it.

Licensed Sex Shop 1000’s of DVD’s from under £10 Largest range of Herbal Viagra in the area All the latest Adult Toys in stock Lingerie PVC Rubber Everything (and MORE) for fun loving singles/couples Open ’til 7:00pm Just 1 minutes walk from both Chelmsford Bus & Rail stations Established in Chelmsford for the past 20 years Knowledgeable, discreet, friendly staff.

Fantasy 14 Broomfield Road, Chelmsford.

TEL. 01245 28 33 00

Page 24

The Edge 01245 348256

The Edge 199_The Edge 172.qxd 24/04/2013 13:26 Page 25

Hair & Beauty SPECIAL OFFERS The Edge LOVES Scum Dine With Me, no matter what it’s erudite columnist ‘The Gentleman’ has to say about the matter.

Let’s face it, how many back-to-back episodes of Master Chef can you honestly watch in one sitting, hmmmm?

Not many, I’ll bet. But I can watch a good three hours worth of Come Swine With Me no fecking problem.

What fascinates me about it is that it’s not so much a cookery programme but far more a human psychological experiment.

The players are mere guinea pigs; who’ll hit it off with who? More to the point, who’ll clash with who?

The Edge is just amazed how certain people can dislike others upon sight alone; mere words do not even have to be spoken.

What’s good about CDWM is that the contestants pretty much always get shown for who and what they really are. There’s no hiding places. The programmes are edited and what they see is what we (the viewer) gets; that’s who you are and (as a contestant) you’re bloody well stuck with it.

Fancy being from our fair city, appearing on there, only afterwards, everyone in Chelmsford thinks you’re a ‘rude, arrogant pig’, or perhaps even a ‘total scatter-brain with the attention-span of a pregnant maggot’.

The food’s completely incidental.

Repeats (that I hadn’t seen) of CDWM used to be on for about four hours on a Saturday afternoon and, if the weather was pup, I could always quite happily open a bottle of wine and sit and watch the whole damn lot.

I’m sorry, but I’m just not a Question Time sort of a bloke!

T Section / Colour, Cut & Blowdry from Cut & Blowdry Men's Cut Eyebrows Threading Semi Permanent Lashes Hollywood Shellac Classical Manicure Classical Pedicure Dermalogica Facial

40% OFF

£48 £25 £8 £8 £45 £25 £20 £19 £22 £28

Dermalogica Products - selected items only!

These offers are not available in conjunction with any other offers.

Please cut-out this advert and bring it to your appointment!

Appointments are preferred but walk-in service also available.

For bookings and more details, please see us at www.facebook.com/beautypluschelmsford 8 Market Road, High Chelmer (opposite County Hall & library), Chelmsford, Essex, CM1 1XA. TELEPHONE 01245 690309

from:

Motor: 250W Brushless gear motor 3-5 hours 6061 Alloy 5 years Front Disk brakes Max speed: 15mph (using throttle, no pedalling) Up to 43 miles (pedal assisted), dependant on power level used, user weight, hills & weather. Throttle only use will reduce

Motor: 250W Brushless gear motor 5 hours 6061 Alloy 5 years Front & Rear Disk brake 15mph (using throttle, no pedalling) Up to 28 miles (pedal assisted), dependant on power level used, user weight, hills & weather.

Motor: 250W Brushless gear motor 3-5 hours 6061 Alloy 5 years Front V brakes Max speed: 15mph (using throttle, no pedalling) Up to 43 miles (pedal assisted), dependant on power level used, user weight, hills & weather. Throttle only use will reduce

EZ Riders, 7 Buckingham Court, Dairy Road, Dukes Park Ind. Estate, Chelmsford CM2 6XW

shaun@theedgemag.co.uk

Page 25

The Edge 199_The Edge 172.qxd 24/04/2013 13:40 Page 26

THE TAX MAN COMETH I’m sure I’m not alone in begrudging every single, solitary penny I have to pay out to those Shylocks in the Government in tax, and I’m fairly confident I’m not the only person who only opens up the bottom righthand corner of their pay-packet to see what’s going in my account, as opposed to how much they’ve bent me over for that month.

I’m sure they must do something worthwhile with all the money they earn from my hard earned labour, and I never pay any mind to the ludicrous claims the tabloids make about them spending it on lesbian yam farmers or gay Nazis or whatever bollocks they spout. Obviously they’ll spend some of it on stuff I don’t agree with, but that’s life, and without going into politics or staging a ‘V for Vendetta’ style revolution, we just have to grit our teeth and poke up with it.

What’s more depressing is knowing that when you work for someone else you’re taxed at a flat-rate and that’s your lot, whereas those people with their own businesses can be somewhat more ‘creative’ than the rest of us. I know a few people who work for themselves and earn twice as much as me while paying half the tax and I’m torn between saying “well done” for getting one over on the taxman and punching them repeatedly in the dick out of sheer jealousy.

There are some people out there who obviously hate paying taxes more than I do and these people have definitely pushed the boundaries of creativity when it comes to filing a tax return. What’s really good about the following is that they both got away with it, though to be fair, I’d let the lady holding the melons get away with a hell of a lot if she asked me to.

The young lady in question is Cynthia Hess. An exotic dancer by trade, Cynthia decided that her ‘hereditary deficiency’ was stopping her from achieving her full earning potential. In Cynthia’s case, her hereditary deficiency was more commonly known as ‘not having massive tits’. Following in the footsteps of women taking a stand against injustice, such as the suffragettes and Rosa Parks, Cynthia decided that

What, like you didn’t know this was coming.

Page 26

ME & MY adamantium skeleton

The Kingmeister reports this wasn’t on and so had her chesticles expanded to a perfectly reasonable 56FF in size. If you’re not sure how big that is, then perhaps know-

that he could see the logic in the claim and that he was “impressed” with his honesty. I don’t know much about the legal system, but even I

as much “I know a few people who work for themselves and earn twice g “well done”

between sayin as me while paying half the tax and I’m torn ing them repeatedly in the punch and an tax-m the on over one g for gettin dick out of sheer jealousy.

”

ing that each of these sumptuous orbs weighed in at 10lbs will give you a better idea.

And if you’re still struggling, then just come round and check my browser history.

Obviously having your boobs expanded to a size where they could feasibly have their own weather system was an expensive business, so the newly stage-named ‘Chesty Love’ claimed them back as a legitimate business expense.

After some legal wrangling, which I like to believe began with, “Now Ms Hess, you can’t.....Christ on a bike!

Look at the size of those melons!” the court actually ruled in her favour, both as her earnings had almost doubled since the terraforming, sorry, operation took place and that the norks in question were so stupendously large that they ‘couldn’t possibly be used for anything other than business purposes’.

While this heart-warming story of Chesty Love is obviously a good one, and hopefully an inspiration to many a young girl everywhere, I think the next bloke really does take the biscuit. Jeffrey Edmond-son was a drug dealer, a profession a lot of people still frown upon, and upon his arrest the US Government decided to kick him when he was down and also charge him for the back taxes he owed.

Jeffrey filed a counter-claim that listed all of the ‘business’ expenses he had incurred throughout his career, which ranged from the petrol he used to collect and distribute his narcotics to one million amphetamine tablets.

In a move so brilliant as it was surprising, the Judge conducting the case ruled in Jeffrey’s favour, saying

question the veracity of a Judge lauding a convicted drug dealer’s sense of honesty and fair play.

ADVERTISING ANNOYANCES Talking of professions that people frown upon, perhaps my most loathed is advertising, particularly TV advertising. On the ‘KSS’ (Kingpin social scale) advertisers sit way below drug dealers and only slightly above serial rapists. Every now and again you get an honest to goodness masterpiece, such as the gorilla drumming to ‘In the air tonight’ by Phil Collins, but the vast majority of them are utter shit.

Seriously, this is right up there with Coppola and Tarantino for me What infuriates me more than the quality of adverts on the TV is their sheer quantity, which has got way out of control in my opinion. It’s got to the point where I refuse to watch ‘live’ TV anymore. I just record everything and then watch it a day or so after so I can fast forward through all the damn adverts. But I broke my ruling last night as I just had to watch the pilot episode of the new Sci-Fi show ‘Defiance’.

The show itself was brilliant (in the first 30 minutes the hero played a Johnny Cash song, beat up at least 4 people and vigorously rogered a

hooker. That’s ‘Kingpin TV Gold’, is that), but the amount of adverts in between was quite staggering.

Without exaggeration or hyperbole, I can honestly say they were literally every five minutes for the first hour, which frankly is bloody ludicrous.

(Yes, I know it’s big business and I know that without the advertising revenue a lot of these shows wouldn’t get made, but there’s got to be a balance somewhere, surely?)

I discovered an interesting article online about the future of advertising and, if even half of it is true, things look as though they’re going to get even worse.

Verizon have filed a patent for a box that watches you while you watch TV. The box literally watches what you’re doing (on the sofa) while you’re watching TV and then puts out ads that might be relevant to you.

So, if you’re munching Pizza through your Dr. Who marathon, you’ll get adverts for Pizza Hut and the like.

And one can only assume that if you’re hoovering up narcotics from your coffee table you’ll get adverts for the Blu-Ray of ‘Scarface’ or the next season of ‘Breaking Bad’.

I can only imagine what they’ll advertise if you’re having a bit of sofabased nookie or cheekily knocking one out with the TV on in the background.

Microsoft are also getting in on the act by patenting a similar box, but one that chooses adverts based on your mood, which it gleans from facial recognition software analysing your expression. Bizarrely, their product brief apparently detailed what adverts to show if someone was screaming. Adverts for Valium or the emergency services, perhaps?

“Hi. We see you’re being murdered! Could we interest you in our funeral services?”

Unless, of course, the TV was on in the Fred West household, in which case I imagine it would be adverts for a stout length of rope and a very sharp knife.

Part of me actually wants to see these devices come into use, despite their hideously invasive nature. I’m pretty sure the implementation would be predictably piss-poor and hilarious, which is almost enough to make me forget that they’re basically spying on me in the comfort of my very own living-room, so they can try and sell me even more useless crap.

One thing’s for sure though, I’d probably crack one off on the sofa a lot more often just to see what happens.

The Edge 01245 348256

The Edge 199_The Edge 172.qxd 24/04/2013 16:43 Page 27

 TAXING TIMES

               come   to    Should you be asked what epithets      mind when someone says the word ‘America’,     we’re   what would be your answers? Incidentally,        but not talking here about popular culture, the   country      supposed truths upon which the whole   to mind?      is founded. So what would come



                                                            of unfettered              Land of the Free? Maybe. Home                 capitalism? Probably. A preference for small    Certainly.               government? Check. Low taxes?                true,  but let      Well, all the first three are arguably 

  not a place       me tell you, this is very definitely  described     be  as          where taxes could in any way  major change, especially to somewhere that             In fact, low. Or even low-ish, come to that. a                   taxes               reputedly      are    much lower. So it was a better phrase would be: “Shee-it - you want how            nasty   shock  my first payslip arrived and it          when much?” obvious that the ubiquitous ‘they’ are                became     taking as much of                   those   of us       your hard earned cash here The thing about taxes, at least for       as they do in the UK.                   on a salary, is that you don’t really notice them.           each            An amount gets taken out of your pay       worse in the US, however,         get   while  it      Things   infinitely week or month, and after a little         at the end of the year. That’s when you have to        becomes normal, just a part of your life, like       tax return. In the UK,   you  do a    fill in and file  the hated  eating and sleeping. Each payday most of us have to do the four page tax return                  sanity check on the payslip to make sure it’s        upon which we write the details supplied by our  about the same as last time, and if it is, you    employer, add in the several pence you have       simply forget about it and move onto something        received      in interest on your savings account, more interesting. the end of that. It is a right                send it off, and that’s         pain, and something you always put off until the      occurs that      It’s only when some major change             a bit more  atten-  condescending    adverts on TV have nagged you you might pay the tax amount         into submission.      the     Overall though, it’s a bugger, tion. Such as the government has raised            than a thing to be feared.     rather   into a different     but  a chore basic rate, say, or you’ve moved                  rate bracket. Then you’ll have a look for the first                  to   Now, if you think   soon  revert    the UK Tax Return is complitime or two that you get paid, but   cated (and it is),                 then you want to see the US normal and get on with life, because what else                version.    For a start, there’s always more than can you do.           have Federal form to com     one. You    a monster         plete, then another one for the state you happen            qualifies    as a Clearly moving to another country   to be living and working in. Now comes the          

shocker for a naive Brit. Should you spend a few days working in, say, Massachusetts (I did), then that state also wants a slice of your action and you need to file a tax return there too. And of course, send them a cheque.

My three tax returns ran to 77 pages. That’s properly complicated.

The official stats are that over 90% of federal tax returns are incorrect. This isn’t people deliberately trying to defraud the government, it’s just that they don’t have the mental capacity or stamina to wade through all those pages of officialese language and the infinite boxes and sub clauses without making a mistake.

It also seems that anyone who can afford the $300 or so that it costs will hire an accountant to do it for them. Which, if we believe the 90% plus figure, means that a number of the professionals are screwing it up too. Not very encouraging, is it?

The only obviously good thing about the US tax returns is that a year actually means a year.

That is, January 1st to December 31st. Where the UK got that ridiculous 5th April date from God only knows. It makes life doubly complicated for a Brit in the US because the statement you get from the UK bank telling you the total net earnings on your savings account was £1.07 and the tax retained was £0.27 runs from April to April - you now have to work out what the January to December figure was and keep the evidence in case the Internal Revenue Service wants to audit you. It’s almost a full time job.



             

            

America might be the land of the free, but man, that freedom is expensive.



 

 

 







   



  

  

 

 







 

 

 



    

        



 

 







   



 

 

 



 

 

 

 

  



            



    

 

   



   

 



                         

 

 



   





  



  

  









   













 

 

 

 











 

   



 



  The Edge 077 646 797 44 Page 27   

The Edge 199_The Edge 172.qxd 24/04/2013 16:43 Page 28

The MINI Paceman’s all-new design is eye-catching and guaranteed to turn heads wherever you drive around town....or city in Chelmsford’s case!

Just one look under the bonnet of the latest addition to the MINI family and it’s clear that it has everything you need for an enjoyable drive. Four engine variants are available, packing up to 184 horsepower and ready to take you down the liveliest of roads.

ALL4 all-wheel drive is also an option and as for style - well, that comes as standard.  not take  a test-drive   in a So why  Paceman and  feel what  new MINI   it’s like to be in the spotlight.    line  of the roof  and The dynamic     of the  rear   sporty muscular styling  car are sure to  draw envious  of the      and glances from other motorists











Does anyone get as ‘CHO’ (completely hacked off) with the socalled service of Virgin Media as what (I meant to say what there) The Edge does?

Christ on a bike, how often do you lose both email and internet access?

And how feckin’ POINTLESS is it speaking to one of ‘their men’ in bloody India?

Jeez, the sooner I can get out of my contract with Virgin, the better.

Oh, it’s alright Branson showing off   his air stewardesses   in his TV   commercials   their bright  red with  lipstick and  even  redder,   tightly  fit  ting  outfits.  Then   he’s got that    skinny  Scottish    former  annoying,  Dr Who wanker  telling us all how     Virgin Media  supposedly good is.



No it bloody well isn’t. passers-by alike.   those     to  Why  doesn’t   come  he round to  Meanwhile, lucky enough   passengers    will be    film me literally  ‘Edge Towers’ and be rear-seat   in the  lounge-like     hair out’  (figuratively   ‘pulling my enveloped   sculp   speaking,  44:7=<-;?144;<):<)6, of course) on me deadcomfort of two individually . seats.      line day and  that’ll  show  everyone   tured  waiting     just how good  his feckin’   services So what are you for?      are,  the  bearded      tosser.

Book a test-drive today.   0845  125 6910    be  I’ll bet he hasn’t  got Virgin installed Telephone and on his Necker bloody Island. sure to mention you saw this article $ The  Edge.       gone  right  off  Branson,  I’ve I have. in                                                                     





 



   

 

  

 



1 

     









      

 



 



  

 

 



       





 

 

  

   



 





  "-/1;<:)<176 

  

 







 

      



           

                                                                          

 







 



  









  



    

  



            



 



   

 





  

 

  

 



     

  

  

  

  

  



 



 



Page28 The Edge 01245 348256

The Edge 199_The Edge 172.qxd 24/04/2013 17:08 Page 29

     REMEMBER YOUR FIRST BIKE? I think everyone remembers their first bike.       Mine was a little blue bike with stabilisers and     solid tyres. In the 1970’s ‘solid tyres’ really meant         what it said on the tin - the tyres were completely          solid. In fact, they were hard enough to knock          nails in, which I used to do during some of my         ‘bored moments’. However, the ride comfort was          totally unimportant because for the first time ever       my bike offered me the potential to outrun my parents.             I also loved my pedal go-kart called a ‘Kettcar’. I         pedaled it around the paved area in front of our       house for miles, round and round, all day long, every day. It had a handbrake and what looked        like a little gear-lever in the middle which confus        ingly didn’t change gear but would instead allow          the pedals to freewheel. It probably would have          made more sense had I lived on a hill. Kettler still        manufacture Kettcars and I must admit I have the          nostalgic urge to buy my own little boy one.                     Eventually I moved up to a Chopper      which I  thought was super     cool. I could even transport  several do endless  of my mates   on the  back,   wheelies, or disastrously try both at the same time.          

bored of sitting on it and would want to copy what           he had seen his Dad doing, which was to push it         along with the pole himself.                   The first little vehicle that ‘The Boy’ really loved          riding was his Scuttlebug. A Scuttlebug is a       thoughtfully engineered cross between a scooter       and tricycle. It has no pedals and is small and        light with three fast scooter-like wheels, yet with      the high seated support of a tricycle so that it’s         easy for ‘The Boy’ to ‘scuttle’ along on. It’s also       light and strong and despite the small wheel size        he is easily able to ride over just about any ter       rain. The Scuttlebug also folds up in an almost         magical way whereby everything folds completely        flat into the seat. In fact, I can’t recommend them         highly enough to parents of young toddlers. The         clever spring-locked hinges work with such an         enticing action of sheer techno-pleasure that all          dads are compelled to fold and unfold it at least          three times before exclaiming, “That is clever, is       that!” In fact, they are so well designed that if         smiley Brian Cox were to see one in action, even he would admit they were very clever indeed.

        In 1982, like   most  kids   who watched   E.T., I left the cinema with thought    one single     in my  mind  and it had nothing with aliens. I wanted a  to do (;:,853:.+353+4: BMX. I .  And  on the  day  of my  very next birthday,   came downstairs  and I found a shiny blue BMX with yellow mag wheels   which I rode everywhere.

It was simple; where I went, the bike took me.

          Choosing for your   a vehicle    toddler  is unbeliev ably complex.  There   are scooters   with either   two, three, or four  wheels. There   aresome that   fold and others    that don’t.  Some  have the two  wheels at the front others have two   whilst     at the back.   There are  perplexing   variations  of bikes,   trikes, and all manner of children’s vehicles    wheeled   available. to   It is mind blowing   trying   choose   which may be the correct  one  for your  own  child’s abilities  and enthusiasms.     

         My little boy already that I   has a range   of vehicles  don’t think   ever  existed   in the  70’s.  He’s   got a tricycle with to theback of it  a sort  of poleattached   so you can your back  push  it along without  doing  in. He out on it, but would get  did love going 

      I’ve just Boy’ a balance bike to add  got  ‘The       to his collection.

It looks but without any   like   a BMX    pedals, with a low-slung  metal   frame and smallish wheels. It has  punctureless  tyres which  I dreaded  being tyres  as  hard  as  the  bone-shattering    solid 

by Robert Rutherford of my own first bike, but the modern versions are absolutely brilliant. They’re made from a type of hardened foam and feel very much like normal pneumatic tyres, except you don’t need to put air in them. As it doesn’t have brakes, pedals, chains or gears, it’s incredibly light and ‘The Boy’ happily scoots along on it pretty quickly already.

I don’t think it matters whether the first bike you remember is an old solid tyre bone cruncher or an ingenious folding Scuttlebug; it is what they represent that cements them as fond memories.

And that is, like Mel Gibson shrieks at the end of Braveheart, “Freeeeeedom!”



   

"  



  

         

 



       

 



 

















 

                                 

    



  

 

 



 

 

 

   



   

 

 

 

 





“The Scuttlebug (above) folds up in          an almost magical      way  whereby  everything folds completely flat  into the seat.”

Abetter way to divorce?

If you are facing a breakdown of your relationship, the things that you may dread the most are how you can sort out the finances; the house; the children. The thought of arguing and going to court is both frightening and expensive. There is, however, another way.

Collaborative Family Law is a process where you and your spouse have your own solicitor, but instead of being adversarial, you work together to find the right solutions to your problems. You agree that you will not resort to court proceedings and by having a series of meetings you can reach agreement on all of the things that matter to you. These can be things that the court can not help you with because of the way the traditional court system operates.

You set the pace of the process, you set the agenda, and you make the decisions. Your lives are not left in the hands of the courts or the judges.

At a time when the court system is becoming even more pressured due to cut backs, the collaborative process can offer a far quicker resolution.

Many people are finding the collaborative process a better way to divorce and come away feeling satisfied that they have aired their views and reached an agreement that will work. Children have especially benefited from their parents dealing with their divorce in a collaborative way as they see their parents working together rather than arguing about them.

Collaborative Family lawyers are trained to deal with separation in the  collaborative way and are experienced family lawyers committed to  providing a professional service to their clients. Most collaborative lawyers will offer a free chat about collaborative law to see if it would suit you.  For more information,  contact Teresa Foss on 01245 349696,  email: tfoss@thblegal.com  & visit www.thblegal.com. or

shaun@theedgemag.co.uk  Page 29

The Edge 199_The Edge 172.qxd 24/04/2013 17:08 Page 30

              GRAPE SMUGGLER        Never let it be said that I am not       a girl of who  likes   to  be at the  cutting  edge  fashion, most   and  this   certainly   caught my eye last week. It’s the        

plates. 

 



 

                        

TOTALLY TRACIE  REWIND REWIND  recent     shown   A study has that more   would   unsurprisingly     like to go people   forward,   given back in time than go    Which   got me  thinking;   the choice.   seem  to have   gone  we as a nation  Vintage   and ‘pre-loved’   any mad for     the  as we seemingly thing hanker for  days.  In my house  we have good old   3 iPhones,    2 laptops,   a telly 2 iPads,  supposedly   ‘talk’  to all the that can  bits   of equipment   in the  house other     system  and a wireless sound that can   iPad,   not to mention  a son ‘talk’ to the  sit on  the   sofa  and ‘talk’ to that can    and change    all of the entire system   by scratching     his the settings just  live,  by total  accident    I nose. I now  in one of those    might  add, houses   used to talk  about on  that they    World!    So  are  we   happy Tomorrow’s   bubbles?  in our high-tech It would  not - most of us don’t seem to appear  it at all. We  are  living in a schizwant   era.   We are   forever looking ophrenic   peering  into the future, and forward,   about  what   button   to press  thinking  make it all  happen,    whilst  at  next to   time we’re   also gazing the same   the past,  hankering   longingly at for  good  old  golden    those days.

It seems         we were really happier when we went  picked   strawberries   out and and   off  the  bush,    than  blackberries rather  them      ordering on-line.    I bought  a big ball  of vinYesterday   two bars   of grating   choco tage twine,  and   a packet  of vintage    wrapped  late   sweets,    because   parma violet just the    me  of the  past. wrapping all reminded  you  noticed   how     are Have allotments    everywhere   with   springing up    long waiting-lists    exceedingly in    baking   and certain areas?

Bread      all the rage cake making are similarly  to  times  gone  by. as we try to return   jelly moulds are currently  And vintage  more   than  a kilo of crack  fetching    on eBay as we  all  try  to  cocaine  that old fashioned   ‘feel’   in  recreate        our kitchens.  we all scrolling   through   So why are   screens  in restaurants,     our smart   each  other  our latest  app showing    at  how Google  will finds, marveling  documents    in a cloud,   and  how store  turn  a long   URL   into-*B=;B Bitly can a diddy 2one  and Swizzle    will clear  up our    - pure  genius!   But while   all this inbox   scanning  is going on, we are secretly   cloudy the menu for home-made    suet     and lemonade, beef pudding   pudding,  bread & butter hoping it will all be served on mismatched    vintage      



 





   



                                         latest thing in men’s underwear - and        it’s apparently flying out the door with        an unbelievable sales record of one     sold every minute!        E  Described as an "original and ultra         sexy string which only encloses one        side of the waist" the String Latéral      Flash Bleu Alter - or ‘Grape        Smuggler’ to the rest of us - can be  yours for a mere £22. So what are E        you waiting for, all you Chelmsford  boys out there?

E                 I’M A BELIEBER       Standing   in the longest   ticket   queue   at Stansted Airport last month, I   heard and  a scream    then  a  high pitched wail.

I thought   Originally     had  eventually    cracked and someone gone  mad  from  the  heat  of standing  in the queue past two hours.   for  the  and to be EThe screams    wails seemed  coming   mainly  from  hysterical  teenage   girls, but what was the   cause?          It transpired  that a Tweet had just gone  out  stating  that Justin  Bieber  was  never  going  to perform    in the  UK again!       It brought   back  some   funny  memo ries Idol is a  for  me; Teenage   Love   fickle thing.   I remember    my  school friend  Amanda  and  I crying  on each shoulders %other     in the  playground    when up  the  Bay City  Rollers   broke  and I swear   it scarred   us both for life.

We used tartan  to  wear  long   socks   in support of our idols    and in anact of we in the %defiance    removed   them   playground   and refused  to put them  back when instructed to do  on, even   Eso by   the headmistress.     And if that wasn’t  enough,   we also  shared    the pain  all over  again    when  Wham!   announced    their   own farewell   tour   and outside  we kept an all night  vigil   Wembley   so that we  could be the first through   the doors to  wave   goodbye   to George    (we weren’t   really  both ered about   Andrew). In all  her  hysteria, my friend   Amanda   pushed    me  over at the  very last   minute   to claim  the last  front  row seat   and we didn’t speak   to each   other for 20  years   after that. But  I’m  happy to say  that   thanks  to good we are now  old Facebook  back   in touch and  have   since    laughed  our socks   off (again)   about the fact  that  neither  one of us would cross (  the  road to say  ‘hello’   to  George   Michael  today.      Meanwhile, Justin tweeted   Bieber    that he  thinks   that even Anne  Frank  would   - had   she lived   - been   a fan  of his  today.        Tut, as   if the  poor  girl didn’t   suffer  enough!      

Tracie123@aol.com Page 30 

PAGE 31_PAGE.qxd 25/04/2013 09:24 Page 1

edgeclassifiededgeclassifiededgeclassifiededgeclassifiededgeclassifiededgeclassified 

# &%' %(()%$"%(+) $))+) $))+) %(()%$"%(+) (%#+"  %+$*$* %+$*$* (%#+"  *,+($(  ;<.81.6<=:6.:07704.5*24,75 ;<.81.6<=:6.:07704.5*24,75



BUILDING PLANS  

BUILDERS  

BOOKEEPING  

 ('

LOCAL RELIABLE BUILDING COMPANY

   #& !) !)  #&

NIC Registered n References Available Gas Safe Registered n CRB Verified

 #.02;<.:.- #.02;<.:.- #./.:.6,.;>*24*+4. #./.:.6,.;>*24*+4.    *;$*/.#.02;<.:.- *;$*/.#.02;<.:.- #'.:2/2.#'.:2/2.

n n

Residential / Industrial / Commercial Schools / Disability / Minor repairs No works/projects too big or small ...all works undertaken.

For a FREE no obligation quotation TELEPHONE ATLAS 01268 200346 / 07976 256196 / 07917 325911 atlashouse@blueyonder.co.uk

!# ) CENTRAL HEATING  



        #.;2-.6<2*46-=;<:2*4755.:,2*4 #.;2-.6<2*46-=;<:2*4755.:,2*4    !"# $,1774;2;*+242<@267::.8*2:; $,1774;2;*+242<@267::.8*2:;  $%&'   $(   $ +   $)* ,   , "" 7:*#677+420*<2769=7<*<276 7:*#677+420*<2769=7<*<276 %! %$ %$  %!   





      *<4*;17=;.+4=.@76-.:,7=3 *<4*;17=;.+4=.@76-.:,7=3

  CHOCOLATE

COMPUTER SERVICES  

HAIRDRESSERS

HAIRDRESSERS  

Your local boiler and central heating specialists with   over 25yrs experience.   Installs, upgrades, servicing and repairs of all   makes and models  

FREE QUOTES  No Fix - No Fee policy! #'#$#!( Call Mark#" on: 01245-476306 !!% Mobile: 07779-332140 #! #!

Gas safe no: 529698 &&"#

DESIGN & PRINT  

ADAMS & CO.  50% OFF



 



 Professional Hairdressers & Beauty Salon

  





 





ALL COLOUR   SERVICES     with Kerry

" +, $%'#" 

Only upon production of this advert.

Terms & conditions apply. Please mention when booking.

15 The Vineyards, Great Baddow, CM2 7QS. TEL: 01245 472787 www.adamsandcohair.com

HOG ROASTS  

HAIRDRESSERS  

' !#%)

HAVING A PARTY?

(1@67<1*>.*70#7*;<

Why not have a Hog Roast?

$/&!), ""%%! ""%%! $)$%- $)$%- $*!$ $*!$ $/&!),  (%# (%# $)")%, $)")%, "" "" 

Many packages available. Bookings now being taken.

Hire of machines also available.

% %

TEL: 01245 351308 / 356826

"%$!$$ ' ' "%$!$$

BBQ MEATS & PACKS ALSO AVAILABLE!

???;5+=<,1.:;,75 ???;5+=<,1.:;,75

PLUMBING  



www.smbutchers.com

PORTABLE TOILET HIRE  



 









 





MOBILE DISCO & PA HIRE  

"#'#%$+ 



&%#!,

)''& 

 !#" ))))"$#'#&&*#( WINDOW CLEANING  

Total Clean Window & Conservatory Cleaning Service

BATHROOM DESIGN  & INSTALLATION 

We use the latest pure water reach and wash window cleaning technology to give your windows a total clean and a brilliant shine

n NO CALL OUT CHARGE     n FREE ESTIMATES  n 24HR EMERGENCY SERVICE     ! !  n WE ARE HAPPY TO OFFER O.A.P. DISCOUNTS  ! ! 

www.complete-concept.com 







DIAMOND BRIGHT

PLUMBING TILING DECORATING  

STEVE THOMAS 07889 757485 / 01245 493759  







COMPLETE CONCEPT 



  





;gVbZh 8aZVcZY H^aah 8aZVcZY <aVhh 8aZVcZY =VgY Id GZVX] L^cYdlh 9ddgh 8aZVcZY Vh HiVcYVgY ;VX^Vh 8aZVcZY Hd[Ñih 8aZVcZY <jiiZg^c\ 8aZVcZY 8dchZgkVidgnÉh 8aZVcZY 8dchZgkVidgn Gdd[h Dei^dcVa Internal window cleaning service also available

     www.diamondbright.biz

For more details call: 07807 039 270

edgeclassifiededgeclassifiededgeclassifiededgeclassifiededgeclassifiededgeclassified 