The Edge 199_The Edge 172.qxd 24/04/2013 10:03 Page 1
EDGE
the ISSUE NO: 199
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‘THE CHELMSFORD FANZINE’
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The Edge 199_The Edge 172.qxd 24/04/2013 10:14 Page 2
The Edge 199_The Edge 172.qxd 24/04/2013 10:37 Page 3
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The Edge 199_The Edge 172.qxd 24/04/2013 10:47 Page 4
The Edge Editor’s Column ;>5$/("*$#4/8.41,.231$"$-3 “YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU’RE $#(3(.-/1(+#&$ -#6.4+#)423 DOING” +(*$3.2 86' 13("+$28.4 You know that chant3+.5$+8 that spreads at football 61.3$ when !.438.415(2(33.. -# matches some the crowd disagrees with 3'$/("341$26$1$&..#3.. thing; usually a manager’s tactical nous?/ 13 %1.,3'$=%(2'$8$>.-$2'$.-$ Well, that’s what they sing at me on Facecock. I6'$1$8.4' mean, please me, how to get tell#3'$+(33+$&(1+(-8.41 is it possible 1,26 ++8+.5$+8 -#3'.4&'3 banned for 21$ 30 days (it’s a ban of and 30 nights (36 204(3$,.5(-&3'$6 biblical proportions, I haven’t I tell thee) when 88.4 3 +*$# 5(-&"'(+#1$- even been!.43-.3' site since using the damn 3'.4&'*-.68.4#.->3+(*$#.&2 Christmas??? Do they have latent bans on there, or some'$/Bans 1 #.7%.1,$6 23'go3back? thing? that kick-in when you %413'$1(-3'$, & 9(-$3'$1$6 2 Apparently, for trying to jack I’ve been banned =/1.,.3(.-%.1/1.23(343(.->$1(.42 The Edge’s numbers means; you up by foul .1-.33'$2$&(1+2 1$ ++2.,$.-$>2 know, trying to ‘befriend’ people that I don’t even # 4&'3$126'.6$1$.-"$ 2(--. know, even less care about. "$-3 3+(33+$&(1+8.46$1$'.+# And that’s when the chanting started: “YOU 23' (-&(-8.41 1,2%8.4' ## 4&' DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU’RE DOING” 3$128.46.4+#3'(-*#(%%$1$-3+8 But I was only doing what Lengthy-Bollocks had (previously) told me to do. ,me. 9$,$< I.4-$5$1"$ know -all about ought, 2$3.
****
/5$/.;4'%40/34"!'3!.9-/2%4(%3%$!93 iPHONE 4S /5*534'%4%-!),3!.$4(!47!3/.%/&4(%Eventually had to get up to date with the 21st !&4%24(%02),%$)4)/.3(!$()44(%342%%43 by investing in one of those bloody Century and I hate the damn thing. iPhones !,3/2%#%)6%$!;0(/.%#!,,&2/-!%4%#4)6%!4 way to Dragged kicking and screaming all the 33%8/,)#%!3/00/3%$4/-%2%,9! O2 shop, I was. the /--5.)49500/24&&)#%27()#()37(!4 about trepidation. Talk 535!,,9(!00%.37(%.%6%2!.%)'("/52(!3 Why do I hate it? 2%0/24%$-%&/20)33).'50!42%% For starters, I often walk into and out of town. can often be quite boring; Walking on its own .().$3)'(4'5%334(%02/34)454)/.0)%#%7!3! even (get it?). So I used to ‘text and pedestrian ,)44,%4//342/.'4/!00%!2).!&2%%05",)#!4)/. old Nokia I could literalwalk’ and with my trusty 35#(!3(%$'%&/27()#(!0/,/')3%)& at ly text blindfolded; I didn’t even have to look '%.5).%,9/&&%.$%$!.9/.%54$)$ the screen. But with this new, ultra-sensitive, upmarket bugger, I have to stop, put me specs 47!3.;4-%!.44/ both bloody hands. on, and use Not good. 254()3.%6%24%.$4/,//+!44(%3%2)/533)$% Not good at all. /&)335%3"%#!53%)&$)$7%,,)4;$-!+%-% a thing of the past. Texting whilst driving is now .%6%2%6%.!44%-044/4!#+,%!.935"*%#4).! (5-/2/53&!3()/.7(!43/%6%2 DRIVING whilst driving, hmmmm? So what to do (instead) /%3(%$'%2%!,,97!.44/3%%02/34)454%3 Contrary to popular belief, not all men poke their :02/345,!4).';!"/544(%342%%43/&(%,-3&/2$ noses whilst driving. I(2)34;-./4%6%.'/).'4/$)'.)&935#(! don’t. 15%34)/.7)4(!.!.37%2 out However, I do sometimes attempt to pluck hairs from the inside of my nose, which in itself 544(%#(/)#%/&4(%7/2$0!2!$/8)3!.).4%2 is a dangerous occupation, fraught with what if’s %34).'/.%"%#!53%)4-%!.3:!.)-02/"!",% nose-to-nose configuration and potential where #/-").!4)/./&/00/3).'15!,)4)%3;!.$-!9"% an oncoming vehicle is concerned. 4(!4$/%335--%50 Why? plucking hairs from out me nostrils is Because (%2%!3/.;-./4#%24!).3(/5,$(!6% prone to making me sneeze and when I sneeze I05",)3().')4)3"%#!53%)47!33)-0,94//:$!2+; can no longer see the road that I am travelling !0)%#%4/!00%!2).!./2'!.4(!4&2!),0%/0,% upon (for a vital second or two). (!6%%!39%./5'(!##%334/ INJECTION STEROID .$)&!,,4(!47!3.;4%.*/5'(/&!:7%,#/-% Doc gave me a steroid injection the other day (/-%;(%2%;33/-%-/2%&,!#+ the for my ‘problem shoulder’. That’s about get after eventually having a extent of what you ;.4' "*%1.,. scan that5$".,$! reveals you’ve got was a.!5(.42+8 load of torn 24%%$1(-&%1., tissue in there. (-2.% 1 2 Thing is, the injection $5$183'(-&2$$,2 does bugger all apart !$33$1"'$ /$1 the (theoretically, from %1$2'$1.5$13'$1$ way The Edge sees it) binding your ailment in '$- +.-&".,$2 for a day bubble-wrap !+.*$8.46.4+# or so, before it returns /1.! !+8"1.223'$ buggered, to its normal, 231$$33. 5.(#! "* limblike self. '.,$8$3 38.41 People had also (-5(3 3(.-'$+ 82'(2 warned me of the side' -#2.-8.4 -#(3 of steroids, effects but .-+8".232:/$1 than a cracking other 2$22(.- ++.% -#tits pair of 44DD that 24##$-8.4%$$+ I’ve recently sprouted, 3 noticed a I&1$ haven’t damn thing. (1+ 8$ +++.5$ ,(1 "+$'$ 13.% BONDS ,bloke 22 &$.1(&(++8 A called Barry " ,$%1.,-#( -# Beavis contacted The '$04(3$/.22(!+8 Edge just before it’s *-$66' saying 3'$6 2 deadline, that #.(-&6(3'.43 -8was the old Hooga bar 1$".&-(2$#,$#(" reopening as Bonds + 31 (-(-&3' 36$&. it would and that be 3'1.4&'(-.1#$13. ideally suited to the /1.3$"33'$/4!+("6$ Sharon and Tracy’s of 31$ 3' this world,3(23'$6 and the 8 (36.1*2(-3' 3/ 13.% Sharon and Tracy’s of 3'$6.1+# -#(3#.$2 Chelmsford in particu6.1*2%.1, -8that if said lar. He also got a reputation Bonds 43%.1,8/ 13 for being “a little & 5$8.4 -$5 that +4 cheesy” then 3(.-(-%.1,$#8.4.% suit him down to would ,8./(-(.- the ground. 23.
6' 38.41/1.!+$,".4+#!$$7/+ (-$#6' 3 (224$26$1$$%%$"3(-&3'$,.5$,$-36(3'( 8.412'.4+#$13' 3' 2" 42$#8.4/ (-% "3$5$-31$ 3$#8.4 -#& 5$8.4 1$' !(+(3 3(.-/1.&1 ,,$3.%.++.6 -# #5(2$# 8.4.%1$&4+ 1$7$1"(2$26'("'6 2 "., /+$3$/ "* &$3' 36.4+#'./$%4++8&$38.4 !$33$1 -#$- !+$8.43.1$341-3.3'$ "3(5( 3($2.%-.1, +$5$18# 8+(5(-& -+88.4#(#->3%.++.6,824&&$23(.-2#(# 8.4.4#(#->3%.++.6.-$(.3 .%3'$ #5("$ 8.46$1$.%%$1$# -#8.42$-2$+$22+8".- 3(-4$3.3'1.6*$33+$!$++2 1.4-#6(3' (,/4-(388$323(++8.4$7/$"38.412'.4+#$1 SCOTT & BAILEY 3.'$ +$5$-1$".,,$-#$#8.43. Do you watch Scott & Bailey, readers? /'82 -#8.4#(#$7 ,$($ "3+83'$2 I(.3'$1 do as /(23 it whiles away an hour on a Wednesday -.3'(-&3' 36.4+# ++.68.41!.#83.!$-$ evening; plus I quite like that ex-Corrie bird. %(3%1.,3'$31$ 3,$-3(36 21$"$(5(-&.1 the reason I mention However, it is because it’s 1$".5$1%1.,3'$(-)418" 42(-&8.4/ (- filmed in and around Oldham, that most salubri41$+8(3#.$2->33 had the misforous of places where*$ your&$-(423.2$$6'8 editor %4++1$".5$18' 2".-3(-4$#3.$+4#$8.4 tune to be born, and if you look ever so closely of the openat pretty much the very last frame 83'$6 8)423!$1$+$5 -33' ing credits 8(3, you’ll notice a brick tower with36'(+$ the 8.46$1$(-. %.136.6$$*28.46$1$->3 word ‘BRIAR’ written on it. Down below and to "34right ++83'1.6(-&*$33+$!$++2 !.433'1$$ from the is the old family sheet-metalworks 3(,$2$5$186$$* -#8.412'.4+#$16 & Wild (defunct). 2 whence I hailed: Young ++.6$#2.,$3(,$3.1$/ (1 -#1$23 BATH & BRISTOL '$3'$18.4%.++.6 #5("$.1#.8.411$' All the way across the M4 to spend a weekend! 6.1*(28.41.6-!42(-$22436' 3 --.8$#,$2.,4"'(23' 38.423 3$#(- 5$18/4!+("%.14,3' 33'$!+.*$%1.,. 6 2;!$33$13' - -8/'82(.8.4' #!$$ 31$ 3$#!8+." ++8< '(2(24-% (1 -#%$+3(-24+3$#,(&'3-.3 !$ /'82(.!43 , /1.%$22(.+ -# 1 3$,831$ 3,$-32'(&'+8/43!.3',8 '$ 13 -#,8' 3 -#2(-3.$5$18"+($-331$ -#' 5$' # +.3.%24""$2231$ 3(-& /$./+$6'. +2. "3(5$+8/ 13("(/ 3$(-3'$(1 1$".5$18 in Bath and-#/43(-3'$6.1*.432(#$.%3'$(1 Bristol, yet the sun decides to shine 31$ 3,$-326(3',$ in Chelmsford, but not (unfortunately) in the West Country. In fact, not to put too fine a point .4' #3'$= on it, it 5$-.3' was downright cold -#2.%.#>+ and miserable (#.at 8.4'$1$(2-.,(1 "+$"41$3.8.41 times, and you really don’t go all that way (+ to feel ,$-32.41'$ like that, do you? +(-&/1."$221$04(1$2$%%.13 133..money back. I.-8.41/ want me bloody The weather’s pretty much everything to me, yet 3'(-*8.42'.4+#' 5$23 3$#3' and 3! it’s 2("still ++8 it’s mid-April (at the time of writing) 8.4" ->3!$!.3'$1$#6(3'8.411$' !6.1* as dull and arse as it’s been since last October. 8.4 in 1$+..*(-&%.1 =,(1country, "+$"41$> Born the bleedin’ wrong I was.-#3' 3 8.4>1$ +2. !(3/$#.%%3' 33'.2$.%42 1(&'3'$1$(-'$+,2%.1#".4+#->304(3$, SAT. 20TH/SUN. 21ST APRIL - &$3' feck 3%.18.4 Thank Spring finally seemed to arrive.... .-9$%&%.3%2%!$%23!$-)44(!4!-4(% BROADCHURCH 7/2,$;37/234&/2./4$/).'!3;-4/,$!.$! it. Absolutely loved !7!2%/&-93%%-).').!"),)494/./4#/.3#)%. 4)/53,9$/4(%2%15)2%$2%(!"7/2+4(!4;3"%%. ROBERT RUTHERFORD !3+%$/&-%!32%'!2$3-9:02/",%-3(/5,$%2; single-dad Rob’s I am really enjoying reading 4(!4;3"%%.).*52%$&/23%%-).',9!.!'% 29) and sincerely hope that columns (see page you are too, readers. /7%6%234!.$"97(!43!)$!"/544(%.$)!. Rob is a former-Edge colonist who has returned $/#4/2"%#!53%4/-9-).$(%/&&%2%$-%3/-% to the fold due to a chance meeting we had, yet %8#%%$).',9&)2342!4%42%!4-%.4 has returned as a different bloke entirely, which seem to reflect. his new, softer colons ;6%!,3/*534(!$-93#!.2%35,43"!#+4(!4 so don’t go But I love ALL of my colonists, 02/6%(!6%%84%.3)6%4%!2).'/&-93(/5,$%2 getting jealous all the rest of you! -53#,%30,53$!-!'%4/-94%.$/.34// Please God ‘LIKE’ The Edge. Go on... +$ 2$.#=>'$#&$..- facebook.com/theedgemagazine % "$!..*".,3'$$#&$, & 9(-$ twitter.com/TheEdgeMag 36(33$1".,'$#&$ & DO IT NOW! For Christ’s sake, LIKE .1'1(23>22 *$ The Edge as no bugger else does. '$#&$ 2-.!4&&$1$+2$#.$2
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THE EDGE Chelmsford CM2 6XD 0 7 7 6 4 6 7 9 7 4 4 shaun@theedgemag.co.uk
Page 4 The Edge 01245 348256
The Edge 199_The Edge 172.qxd 24/04/2013 10:51 Page 5
Man Rides Log Naked on croc-infested river
Did you read the story about the naked Australian fisherman who risked his life by riding a log naked down a crocodile infested river to win a bet? The crazy Aussie chap won two cases of bourbon after jumping onto a log (naked, remember) and staying on it for about three minutes before clambering back into the safety of a boat, phallus intactus. “I’d been enjoying a few beers in the sun (oh, here we go, readers) and it all seemed like a good idea at the time,” said the total bloody idiot. “We hadn’t been catching any fish as the river was flowing way too fast, so I thought what the heck...” Hmmmmm? His mate, Billy, confirmed, “He’d thought nothing of the dangers of drowning or being eaten I mean, he come on, unless aimed a missile at alive by a ‘saltie’. It was hilarious.” you, you’d think he’d spent his entire formative Er, riiiggghhhttt! years locked in his dad’s sweet shop, wouldn’t who has asked not to be named, Thedaredevil, you? at the notoriously croc-infested was camping Just look chops.... at his cheeky chubby Territory Daly River in Australia’s Northern He’s that fat The Edge bets he always misses up), he sudwhen, ‘CBU’ (completely beered the bus soinstead sneaks to school, back home decided to take leave of his senses. denly an andstarts playing ‘War Games’ on his computer quite a sight,” said eye-witness. “A “It was him to get after accidentally countries hacking into his own apparently dared onto friend of his logs that were floating the arsenal supplies. down one of the heleft the boat and that. Some Surely young is just stumbling about, Kim not did just river, so And he stayed really knowing he’s (hey, The Edge doing what huh? actually on it for friend, while too, crazy under relate to that if you so maybe can are, Fat Lad, which was plain quite a we should turkey, huh)? talk some the circumstances.” has This mag has been looking for a publicity stunt The Edge, ‘Bernard the Butcher’, Mate of padelled waters for some so perhaps through croc-invested time, if it could cool matters actually the But even I> not in Pyongyang then would taking start Zambezi, readers. out folks down he’s with hiscock Edge a lot more seriously. > enough to do it naked and The daft like offering a sprat to a..... of all I’d lure him into a trap with a Penguin hanging out. It’d be First if he’d bar, and offer of chocolate then maybe a trail got it caught between a croc’s What into Cheese &Onion a death-roll??? teethand it went S’truth! eclairs and some crisps....
Fancy being a ‘Supreme Leader’ aged just 12
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The Edge 199_The Edge 172.qxd 24/04/2013 11:58 Page 6
WHATTHISPICTURESAYSTOTHEEDGE...
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“POLE-DANCING ON THE TUBE!” This is Samantha and Moodie (20) of Great Baddow on the tube to Camden, readers, isn’t it just the most belting shot? “We had to was none leg it after we’d captured this photo,” says Samantha, “as the train officer too impressed.” Sam is a professional cyclist her back whilst cycling who damaged BMX and a part-time model back in 2011, so took up pole-dancing her in order to help rebuild knee (see evidence above) after ACL/MCL/PCL reconstruction.....and now she’s hooked! It’s not looking good, is it? through At the time of writing, we’re half-way it’s still poxy shite, after the wettest April and March since time immemorial. winter (January because I hate - March inc.) completely the very the weather dictates isto do, so I end up simply little there in (bloody) Chelmsford. becoming glum, God, how I miss colour. I simply miss ‘life’. The Edge always thought its effervescence. I miss kids And I totally miss looking at beach babes. should be seen was as miserable as it is in winter If Blighty and not heard... 365 days of the year, do you reckon 24/7 tobuy a pint of cider from the up with it, readers? you could poke Until it went & Crown in Writtle think I could. I honestly don’t Beer Tent at the Rose a miserable wet, cold and windy a scooter in Corfu (never over Easter Off to hire out weekend heard before) in June and I honestly cannot Bank Holiday and a young been wait. lad by the name of Harry Cash at an AT bloody a few at least. Music Group event being staged. Roll on summer.....for days someof the By God, he’s good, as were too, only Harry other kids definitely shone. 14, yet his dad informs The Edge He’s only playing guitar since he he’s been singing and 5 years old, and bugger, it really was just does show. Harry busking in You may have seen young Centre? Chelmsford City If not, you can catch him at the Cosmic Puffin Festival Island on Mersea on 4th May, Rock For Havens Sake on 9th in Rayleigh June andalso at the Kelvedon Free Music Festival on 13th July. There was also a gorgeous ickle girl on stage and The Edge got talking to her parents, only due to copious amounts of the cider it con sumed it cannot her, remember or her par ents, names....so sorry about that! Tut-tut, Edge bloke, lad.
Will we even have a summer this year?
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The Edge 199_The Edge 172.qxd 25/04/2013 14:52 Page 7
Spazio Success Story
Saturday 13th April saw the launch of Spazio Design`s new online website, spazio-online.com - a website dedicated to exclusive Italian and European furniture and interior accessories for the home. A launch party was held at their impressive kitchen showroom on New Street, Chelmsford, which has been recently refurbished with new kitchen displays from their own brand Italian range to show the latest models and kitchen technology. Over 90 guests were in attendance for the red carpet event, including the Mayor and Mayoress of Chelmsford who officiated the ribbon-cutting to announce the official opening of the website. Local MP Simon Burns and TOWIE and reality TV star Amy Childs, who has become a regular visitor to the New Street showroom, were also in attendance. Drinks and refreshments were served throughout the day and a special presentation by the head chef of Smith’s Brasserie restaurant of Ongar sponsors of the event - caught the attention of guests who enjoyed the freshly prepared fish canopes. Co-sponsors Lancaster Ferrari of Colchester added extra glamour with a stunning Ferrari show model which was parked at the front of the showroom throughout the day and was enjoyed not only by the party guests, but by the many passers-by too! The day’s activities culminated in a prize draw in aid of Farleigh Hospice, which was picked by Amy Childs who also presented the prizes. Guests donated generously and the lucky winners enjoyed gifts ranging from a £150 voucher for the new website, an exclusive Bonaldo coffee table - only launched at the Milan furniture fair that very same day - and a designer table lamp by Italian manufacturer Foscarini. A most successful day for Spazio Design was put into perspective by Chelmsford’s Mayor, Councillor Christopher Kingsley, who said, “It’s important to recognise the success of local businesses and SPAZIO certainly is a huge success story.”
Local Lass on Channel 5 During February I received a ’phone call from C5 asking whether I, or any members of my staff, were a little over weight/unfit and wanted to take part in a new TV show that takes publicans from Essex and changes their lifestyle in order to become fitter and healthier, writes Emma Stubbings of The White Horse in Townfield Street, Chelmsford. This sounded right up my street as I was very sporty growing-up and excelled at both cricket and karate. I emailed them a little bit about me and my past and why I thought I would be an ideal potential participant and I eventually made it down to the final four. My main bad eating habits were grazing at pub snacks (i.e. crisps, nuts and chocolate) and then eating after closing-time, which is way too late. So I cut these out completely, didn’t eat after 8.00pm and in so doing I dropped 12 pound in 2 weeks. These days I'm now going to the gym 4 - 5 times a week as well. Filming has been very strange. Not being used to having a camera shoved in my face is all very weird, but I'm getting used to it and simply try to imagine it’s not happening, although I'm dreading how cringey the final product might be. It’s certainly not going to be easy watching myself on TV, that’s for sure! My 12 week training plan will finish at the beginning of June, which is when I take part in an ‘extreme challenge’ event. I cannot reveal what it is yet because it’s all still very much under wraps, but it’s definitely going to be an amazing once-in-a-lifetime opportunity that I honestly can't wait to take part in. So right now I’m simply putting my heart and soul into my training so that I’ll be as ready for it as I’m ever going to be. P.S. But if curiosity is really getting the better of you, why not pop into the White Horse and buy me an orange juice and I’ll let you in on a few juicy titbits!
Kitchens Bedrooms Bathrooms
Inspirational design, quality products, seamless installation management. This should be expected for your new kitchen or interior project. Passionate creativity, exclusive brands, unparalleled service. This is what you will receive at Spazio Design.
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Spazio Online, a great place to shop on-line and in store for contemporary furniture. Our aim is to bring to you, the best of design. We look for products that offer that little bit more for your money, while still maintaining that quality of fifinnish that the devotee of sleek, contemporary furniture demands. 40 New Street, Chelmsford, Essex, CM1 1PH 01245 299 331 info@spaziodesign.co.uk | www.spaziodesign.co.uk The Edge 01245 348256
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The Edge 199_The Edge 172.qxd 24/04/2013 12:27 Page 8
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CITIZEN Song Eurovision Contest
readers will Regular know that by now Citizen writes mainly on topics of popular with a leaning culture the sixties towards to the eightthrough ies on music (the Pink Floyd Beatles, et al) and favourite of directors films (inc. James Bond and the works Lean, Steven Spielberg and Martin such as David Scorsese). ABBA month we look at a cultural phe However, this 58th year which you either love or nomenon in its - the Eurovision Song Contest - an event you hate that Citizen would confess holds little interest from having launched the global career of apart Abba who won in 1974 pop superstars with sold over and who also Waterloo 370million period. albums and singles over a 10 year for Switzerland Another notable winner - in 1988 Celine Dion. was French/Canadian is slightly suspicious Citizen of Eurovision fanatics the same category in its view, who, belong in as flock to cinemas dressed as nuns, or people who for special sing-along showings in lederhosen of of Music. The Sound Eurovision does hold a certain fascina However, - particularly in the voting procedure tion of sorts all of the songs have been that takes place after performed. GO TO THE PUB Citizen would suggest going to the pub for Indeed, to the first two hours before hurrying home in time sadly nolonger features watch the voting, which words “Bonjour Katie” Katie Boyle the immortal for the show the BBC 60s (not who hosted for in the confused with Susan Boyle). Even Terry to be nowunfortunately passed the micro Wogan has on to Graham Norton - but he’s an ideal phone choice, you have to agree. has won fourtimes outright Since 1956 the UK Sandie Shaw starting in 1967 with (an Essex girl who often in her bare from Dagenham performed on a String little feet) singing Puppet - a catchy ‘jerky’ melody, loved number with a slightly so the years Euroland. The other UK throughout in Brotherhood victors were of Man (Save Your Fizz (Making Kisses for Me - 1976); Bucks Your and the Waves (Love Mind Up - 1981) and Katrina Shine a Light - 1997). BOOM BANG-A-BANG UK tied with three other countries In 1969 the Bang-a-Bang, surely the after Lulu sang Boom formulaic song?! quintessential Eurovision runners-up 15 times, the last of We have been in 1998. then finished which was Since we’ve only figures twice and on 6 occasions ended in single in the mid-twenties, last up way down including when the BBC off Engelbert year dusted the lamentable Humperdinck to finish 25th with Will Set You Free Love (sigh). Serves him right as forgiven him for keeping Citizen has never the Strawberry Fields Forever/Penny Lane Beatles’ spot in 1967 with his much single off of the top (by grannies) Me - thus loved ballad Release a perfect of consecutive interrupting sequence one hits for the Fab Four between number 1963 and 1969. came six times The UK second in the 10 years dreadful Little Birdie was from 1959 when the Sing Pearl Carr and Teddy Johnson performed by (who?). EVEN WORSE year we came second again with, if The following worse performed it was possible, aneven offering brother Bryan Johnson with the typicalby Teddy’s offering Looking High. ly repetitive Eurovision of
High, High (Looking Low. Low, how Low). Jeez, bad does it get? The only other UK runners up worth mentioning are Cliff sacrificing Richard his rock’n’roll creden tials in 1968 with the execrable Congratulations and his - a great backing group The Shadows instrumental combo - misguidedly singing Let Me Be The One in 1975. IRELAND Ireland in has won a record 7 times, most recently 1996. Citizen would guess that they are in no hurry to win again country as the victorious gets the dubious honour of staging the following years contest, it seems, is increasingly an event which, more difficult nowadays. Writing to fund and afford in The in May 2010, Jonathan Guardian Moles suggested that: “The financial crisis means that showing offis a luxury that many European countries can no longer afford...” concluding that “...very few countries actually seem to want to win and spend money they just don not have.” This have out year, 4 nations opted - Bosnia and Herzegovina, Slovakia, Turkey and Portugal - the country of competing, with the longest history yet without a winin 46 attempts. The Eurovision is open to all Song Contest member nations of the EBU (European Broadcasting Union) Turkey which includes (97% of which is in Asia) and several other non-European nations inc. Iraq, Jordan and even part of Syria (who perhaps unsurprisingly are not competing this year)! The final takes place in Malmo on 18th May, Sweden won are having last year. There 39 nations competing with only one - Israel - from outside Europe. BONNIE TYLER Our entry average UK is Believe in Me - an above Eurovision in Bonnie song by a quality performer Tyler of Holding Out For a Hero and It’s A Heartache fame. The latter is a song that Citizen recalls playing over a hotel poolside constantly tannoy in the in Spain summer of 1978, the quality of which rendered the lyrics almost indecipherable so that it ended up sounding like “It’s A Hard Egg” - a bit like the in ques the breakfast establishment tion served up for breakfast, come to think of it. There are two semi-finals on the preceding days in which 16 and 17 nations respectively will be reduced to against plus 20 to compete each other, the holders along (Sweden) with the ‘Big 5’ permanent Germany, fixtures in the contest: United Kingdom, France, Italy and Spain. It’s all a bit like the footie, isn’t it, with us getting to the finals and 7<1:C27<5/:=<5B63E/GI::'63$@3A723<BJA then ! not winning! IRON CURTAIN /<2I@/;3@DA@/;3@J$7< Included for this time is San Marino - much loved a regular thrashing in international football qualify ing tournaments. Sadly, that other state enclave within of Italy - the Vatican - is the borders not participating – they been have probably far too busy voting on other matters of late. What makes the voting process so fascinating and definitely returning from the worth pub for - is the potential allocation of points for the partisan between The UK culturally neighbouring countries. always votes for Ireland. Ireland always votes for the UK. Other countries also seem to like the Irish (what’s not to like?) but fewer seem to the favour UK. Perhaps we throw our toys out of the pram in Europe good? too much for our own The former countries Iron Curtain also tend to show a - apart leaning towards one another from Russia. of the will, The 6 states former Yugoslavia of course, be under-represented in the reciprocal voting due and stakes to the absence of Bosnia Herzegovina. Finally, it will certainly be interesting to see how many votes give to Greece and Cyprus Germany this time around! All in all, it’s definitely worth watching (and returning from the pub for).....once all the songs have all been sung!
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The Edge has only just found out that our fishy friends at Loch Fyne serve....wait menu, for it....fishfinger sandwiches on their lunchtime readers (2-courses for £9.95 or 3-courses for £11.95....bargain!). How about eh? Surely loves sandwiches??? that, everyone fishfinger Edge have to have a word with them though, Mind you, The will they’re actually haddock goujons served with home-made because tartar sauce. What?!?!?!
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The Edge 199_The Edge 172.qxd 24/04/2013 12:25 Page 10
The
Gentleman
MAGGIE
One is in mourning. and 2,000 it was guests relatively The Lady in blue low-key. Nice to see George shed has taken her final ride around streets ding a not at all politically motivated the wealthy of London, tear as well - they had so much in and one felt it only appro priate to common, and Lady not just the beady to send Gentleman even if hooray her on her merry way, eyes and the effeminate features. the lefties were loitering. What a Leader. What a dish. One’s chums and I were a little ‘anti’ when we first heard an ‘air head’ Facebook.com/theedgemagazine =:163AB3@ going to lead the blues, was but she Twitter.com/TheEdgeMag to defy her counterparts was able prove all to all that she actually and a pretty set of decent iron balls, had -,-2)/1,!)'*1&1/#"2!'+% biguns to boot. and ruddy 1 direct, She was uncompromising, but still had a touch of the mumsies not her about her, and just shrill tones either. the Did kids need free milk? muddy-faced twerps No, you little arses and get of your earn it. North manufacturing Did the need and industry? Stacking Not really. shelves in a teary in the is a touch Bargain Booze outlet As for Cam’s speech lighter and warmer than the mines Commons, the Lady would have rid unless I’m dled as the baby-faced gimp a ‘little mistaken. And just think of the wet sod’. canaries. Was ending apartheid “No. No. No, David.” wrong? brink of Nuclear Maggie Do the On the War, Math. Britain was on its knees in the 70s, was able to manipulate the Yanks, COME ON....IT’S A SERIOUS QUESTION. ready smooth overthe maverick a right shafting; the left for and even must been the workers she DO YOU TRY TO SWAP IT, OR WHAT? unruly Russians have - and and dangerous; on by that growth increasingly distracted tectonic powerful; Europe head. Local on the up. encroaching; Commys Gorbachev’s Note: Go ather at one special Lady; Queue and look bunker Kelvedon; suppress she’d have made it. Probably growing entitlement culture ing the a least or two and punching had a clear up of one ‘bad it right in the Skargills; you pay making eggs’ in the process. buggers your ruddy the at last. way, As for been utter berks who’ve The markets could riot, one celebrating of Maggie, the death run could invest. A nice bit of post- burning an effigy in some backward And to top things Imperial War. off, town, I say this to you. (1) It’s taste yes, I’ll say it, she was a neat less. (2) Get a job. (3) She’d have bit of totty, even for a commoner. enjoyed it. That hair. You couldn’t turn her then, and you just now shivers. Even won’t turn her now - and not one Like a plump white chocolate muffin, because she’s so ruddy stiff. up - one buttered crumpet - which a luxurious So, dearMaggie, wake one is rather partial to. thinks we’ve all got something to say Thank thought was a stoic One to you. you and goodnight. the funeral affair; cheap (Sniffs) around a tad the edges, but Graciously, whatcan you do? At carriage, leastwith a gun The Gentleman. St Paul’s Edge 01245 348256 Page10 The
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The Edge 199_The Edge 172.qxd 24/04/2013 12:31 Page 11
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The Edge 199_The Edge 172.qxd 24/04/2013 12:32 Page 12
David Sherman’s
BEVERAGE REPORT THE ALES OF WALES
Comedian turned food-writer and musician Adrian Edmonson found himself in the press for all the wrong reasons a few months ago. Being interviewed for Camra’s Beer magazine about his preferred tipples while out on tour, he joked, “There’s no good beer in Wales.” Ooh. Bad move, particularly in a world full of people who don’t understand that comedians tell jokes. As with most jokes, there’s a background of fact to it. Welsh beer seemed to be particularly badly hit by the disappearance of independent breweries in the sixties and seventies and the beer scene took far longer than England did to recover any reasonable degree of choice. Respected local brands such as the spectacularly named Evans Evan Bevan (not three people’s names, but one) were swallowed up by the encroachment of Bass in the South, Allied Breweries in the North and Whitbread in the middle. As recently as the 90s, it was not uncommon to find Welsh towns where virtually every beer was fizz, such as Welsh Bitter or Worthington, and most of what was ‘real’ was nonetheless thin and lacking in character. Pint of Hancock’s anyone? Thought not. One of the survivors from the good old days is Brains of Cardiff. Established in the city centre in 1882, they moved to the former Hancock’s brewery upon Bass’s departure in 1999; fortunately, that has not affected the beers which remain among the principality’s finest. Brains Bitter (3.7% ABV), rarely seen round these parts, is a typically easy-drinking South Wales quaffing ale, with a gentle biscuity malt character and a subtle hoppiness, which becomes more bitter towards the finish. SA, the stronger bitter at 4.2 % ABV, has a predictably more robust flavour. It’s considerably fuller in the body than its lighter sibling, and more rounded. Despite the existence of many rumours about the meaning of the name, SA stands for nothing more dramatic than ‘Strong Ale’; not coincidentally, it’s also the initials of the brewery’s founder, Samuel Arthur Brain. SA Gold (4.7%ABV), a beer of scarcely ten years’ pedigree, bears little resemblance to the aforementioned, but is fortunately not the kind of over-hopped parodies of beer that has blighted the British beer industry in recent times. Rather, it has the perfect balance of malt and hops that are shown elsewhere in the portfolio, contrasted with a subtle hint of citric zing in the nose and palate. Best of the bunch by far, though, is the legendary Brains Dark, a classic mild with
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caramel and roast notes dominating over a gentle but persistent hop character. The finish is very long-lasting, but not at all sating. Wales also has the dubious distinction of having been home to the UK’s first lager brewery. Wrexham Lager was first brewed as far back as 1889 to supply the tastes of a number of German ex-pats who came to the area for work. Opinion varies as to the nature of the work they were doing - some say it was railway building, others that they were digging canals - but either way, they worked up a thirst and evidently didn’t find warm flat malty ales to their liking. Wrexham Lager built up a local following which it retained into the late twentieth-century. Carlsberg-Tetley pulled the plug on the beer and the brewery in the 1990s - but now it’s back! Never having drunk it under its previous guise, I can’t vouch for its faithfulness to the original taste, but it’s certainly good. The original Wrexham Brewery may have been demolished, but a new site has been set up in the town, claiming - with a degree of validity - to be brewing ‘Britain’s First Lager’. What they’ve come up with (their only beer so far, I believe) is a clean-tasting lager with the kind of bitterness you’d associate with an authentic continental product, rather than a bland British imitation. At 4% it’s eminently drinkable, albeit not likely to be rolled out to these parts any time soon. More traditional brews can be found down the road at Monty’s Brewery, which having been established in 2009 is one of Wales’s newest micros. Their pale bitter, Sunshine, weighs in at 4.2 % ABV. Hopped with American Magnum and Chinook varieties, this beer is floral with an incredibly intense finish, which won it a Great Taste Award in 2011 - not bad for new kids on the block! Those who prefer darker beers can try Old Jailhouse (3.9% ABV) and indeed may already have done so under its previous name, Manjana, which proved far too difficult for licensees to spell and pronounce! A pleasantly bitter beer with plenty of malt to balance, this has a surprising late ‘hit’ of roast. So take Ade Edmonson’s joke for what it was and check out some Welsh beer sometime. These are just three of the many producers now active in Wales (some large, some small). Whether you’ll find their beer around Chelmsford in the near future is debatable, but the Welsh countryside’s quite nice, you know. However, you’d be well advised to take a raincoat!
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The Edge 199_The Edge 172.qxd 24/04/2013 12:34 Page 13
GINGER MUTANTS
Why on earth did that geeky teenager need to build a DNA testing device in his bedroom to see whether his brother was ginger or not? Your bro’ is most definitely a ginga, lad; thee can take it as gospel so far as The Edge is concerned (see bottom picture, below). Ginger Mutants, eh? Whoever would’ve thought that the movie’s prophecy (Mutant Ginger Turtles) would ultimately come true. However, there still remains far too much Ginger Ostracisation in this world, if you want The Edge’s humble opinion, so this mags advice to all you red head’s out there is to pretty much carry on smiling, like this bloke (right) is doing. You see, thoroughly disgusting though his abundant facial hair may be, he is clearly one very happy dude, ginger or not. The Edge actually thinks there should be a Ginger Day not only every year, but every month, in order to show solidarity to our GMF (ginGinger Action Man ger mutant friends). On such days, people like Barack Obama, Tom Cruise, Tom Jones, Lily Allen and Natasha Kaplinsky should all go ginger for a day. And if there’s such a thing as Movember for moustaches in November, which there is, then whatever’s wrong with Gobtober in support of Ginger Mutants in October? To conclude: Stem Ginger has got to be one of the sexiest root vegetables known to man and Ginger biscuits have always been blinding when dipped in a brew. So the thought of human beings not having one token ginger person as a friend The Edge, quite frankly, finds abhorrent. All those in favour, say, “Aye!” Brothers. Yes, really!
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WHAT IS THIS NONESENSE ALL ABOUT? No-one is ever going to pull the wool over The Edge’s eyes, for these are not and never will be so-called Onesies....they are bloody Romper Suits for adults who ought to bloody well know better! OK, OK, so the girl does look kind of cute and wholesome and cuddly, but that’s only because we’re talking ‘IEA’ (incredibly easy access) here. Christ, even Brad Pitt was spotted wearing one. What is going onnnnnnnn? And it’s surely coming to something when the likes of ASDA comment: “We are attributing the massive spike (spike?) of interest in the onesie due to the fact that so many celebrities are wearing them.” What, like those twats in One Direction? Meanwhile, get a load of this: “In Essex, Jessica Wright and Ricky Rayment were recently ‘papped’ wearing customised his-and-her onesie sets from Onesie Nation, while Joey Essex opted for a Fair Isle print onesie from One Piece.” Eh? What sort of jibberish is being spoken here? For starters, The Edge has never even heard of any of those three herberts, let alone the outlets where said ROMPER SUITS were acquired. Anyway, here’s some DO’s and DON’T’s as regards onesie-wearing, if you really, really have to:DO wear matching-ish ‘statement’ headgear as well. DON’T wear a onesie if you’re over the age of 25 (sorry, shouldn’t that read 5?). DO wear underwear beneath to avoid the chafing of the inner thighs. DON’T wear a onesie to a job interview. Oh bollocks to this. In short, DON’T wear a Romper Suit at all anywhere outside of the home, and that includes to open the front door to pick up the milk (not that anyone has milk delivered to their home by a milkman in bottles any more, sadly).
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First impressions are not only important when selling your home, they are absolutely critical. When people come to view a property for the very first time, they are unlikely to be scrutinising the unseen. They are simply trying to get a feel for the property and they will be bombarded with mostly visual impressions, many of which you can manage.
Make sure that you also polish any chrome as well, using lime scale remover if necessary.
For example, if your kitchen is looking tired, it can easily be spruced up with new cabinet doors. Even just replacing the handles can have the desired effect, or you could go that little bit further and fit new work surfaces. Kitchen flooring, which may be passed its best, is also usually quite inexpensive to replace.
Outside: Now that Spring looks to be here at last flowerbeds can instantly be given a new lease of life with a generous helping of shredded tree bark compost. Freshly-mown lawns with neat edges look impressive, as do paths which have recently been weeded. Patio areas are more appealing when they look like they are enjoyed regularly, so it’s worth having your garden furniture out rather than packed away. The same applies to children’s play equipment if you are selling a family home.
Bathrooms can look almost as good as the day they were installed simply with a bit of work on the grouting. Hack out any discoloured grout between the tiles or sealant around the wash basins, baths and showers, and replace with new. It’s inexpensive, effective, and will look as good as new again.
Declutter. Buyers want to imagine themselves living there, not you, so don’t distract them with too much of your own stuff - although a cosy home is generally more appealing than a clinical one!
The key is to achieve a neat, yet lived-in look, which will appeal to the heart as well as the head!
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The Edge 077 646 797 44
The Edge 199_The Edge 172.qxd 24/04/2013 13:03 Page 15
ZORBA the GREEK
PHOTOGRAPHIC COMPOSITION This one I call ‘The Man with No Head’ for obvious reasons, readers. Check out the look on the woman’s face if you don’t believe me? “Cor, you’ve got no bonce, mister,” is what she is obviously saying to him. When the sun’s out and there’s shadows on the ground, I do like to photograph random strangers - when I’ve had a beer - even though I’m not very good at it and I don’t really know what I’m doing. But it’s the taking part that counts, isn’t it? And all you do is press a button (on your camera) and hey presto, yet another masterpiece is captured (or not, as the case may be). What’s more, I always know my ‘work’ is going to get published, don’t I. Of course, some people are a little bit precious about themselves and don’t really like their photograph being taken by oddballs such as myself, but that’s just one of the downsides of being an amateur ‘pap’. Have a go yourselves, readers, and send your efforts to....
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Had a Lamb and a Chicken Souvla to take-away from Harry Stotle at Zorba the Greek’s last night, after a lovely few jars in t’Ale House. Harry says that the souvla and his souvlakis are the two healthiest dishes on his menu as they’re both charcoal grilled....but you know The Edge, readers, so it may well have got that wrong (even though it thinks it’s actually got it right for once). I reckon you need a ‘green dish’ as an accompaniment to such dishes though, ’Arry, seeing as it’s Mediterranean fayre after all? A reader recommended Zorba’s to The Edge and you can even sit down and eat in there as well. And hey, I must also visit Platform 3 as that looked blinding in there when I passed; very cosy indeed. The Edge is pleased this particular end of town is now well quiche.
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The Edge 199_The Edge 172.qxd 24/04/2013 12:58 Page 18
Popping Out for a Bite!
The wife was out the other evening, so it was either a jacket spud and baked beans with grated cheese on top yet again for yours truly (as it’s pretty much all I can cook) or popping out to the all new ‘The Admiral’ on Arbour Lane I had a lovely pint of Aspall’s - my favourite tipple at the moment - and a Chicken Supreme with gratin potatoes (which were yummy), roasted shallots and mushrooms from the blackboard menu and sat there on my Jack Jones to scoff the lot, looking like a right flaming saddo I’ll bet. One of my criticisms of this former Alma pub was that it was always so very chilly in there, only now it’s lovely and warm and cosy from the moment you walk through the door. The new owners, Fireside, have also done away with the barstools, so their colours seem as though they have been clearly tied to the mast in so far as this is now a gastro pub, as opposed to a drinkers pub, and The Edge can only commend them for that. I shall no doubt return at a later date with the good lady wife and give it a proper critique in the mag. However, from just a quick glance at their menu, I reckon it’s going to be the Pork Ribs followed by a 12oz ribeye steak for me, as that’s what I’d eat every evening, if I had the opportunity. Arbour Lane, Chelmsford. T. 01245 256783
POSH TOTTY
Every now and then your editor spots a bit of ‘posh in a frock’ and decides to share her with you to see whether you agree. This month, the dubious honour falls upon the delectable shoulders of Susanna Reid of BBC’s Breakfast News. Susanna (42) studied Politics, Philosophy and Law at the University of Bristol.
In 2010 the BBC received complaints about Susanna’s apparent cleavagerevealing clothing and all-round general demeanor, indicating that she had ‘acted like a schoolgirl on her first date’ during an interview with Hugh Grant, not to mention some downright ‘flirtatious behaviour’. In response, she said, “After breastfeeding three children, I am amazed
Purrrrrrrrrrrr!
Bet Bill Turnbull’s never seen her dressed like this, I’ll bet!
However, The Edge doubts that any of you are much interested in that.
You just think that newsreaders read the news, don’t you....and you forget that they probably get up to all sorts when they’re not in front of the cameras.
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that people still think I have a cleavage worth complaining about.” Susanna has, apparently, attracted quite a male fanbase on the internet, which is where, The Edge can only assume, these ‘fantastical’ photographs have been created....in the minds oh her somewhat disgusting ‘male fanbase’. However, Ms Reid denies that she ever dresses in a “purposefully revealing manner”. Furthermore, Hugh Grant was unavailable for comment, which pretty much confirms she was up for it.
Susanna’s a proper lady really.
The Edge 077 646 797 44
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SHIT CHELMSFORD!
Should have gone to
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The Edge was up in London the other day and noticed that someone had left a Time Out magazine on a seat down in one of the underground stations. So naturally I bagged it and as I was having a peek through, I noticed a section called ‘Shit London: We love London, even its cruddy bits’. So I got to thinking that surely we can replicate that sort of feature in The Edge as regards Chelmsford, CAN’T WE??? (The can’t we bit is in caps because I feel sure that we could, if only you readers could be arsed enough to take part. Only you don’t, do you? You just sit on your backsides.... What’s more, I even hear that some of you read The Edge whilst you’re sitting on the toilet, you disgusting specimens, you. Tut, fancy reading the mag every month without ever taking any actual part by contributing anythingt.) OK, rant over. As ever, I’d best kick us off. For your editor, personally, it’s got to be the right shit colour (and it is the colour of shite) of Chelmsford Market. Now DON’T get on your high horses, all of you market traders, because The Edge has every sympathy with you after the winter you lot have had to endure in there. Gordon Bennett, you must have been freezing your proverbials off at times. So listen, it’s just the COLOUR of your establishment that I’m having a pop at, OK? (Oh, and the smell the market often omits. That and the stench of Subway are not The Edge’s favourite.) How on this earth do you ever imagine Chelmsford Market came to be the colour of shite, hmmmmm? Did whoever was responsible (because someone must have been, and the chances are they’ll get to hear about this article too, only will they respond, that is the question?) for choosing the colour realise what they were doing? The Edge thinks that they did and reckons that a very brief conversation occurred somewhat along the lines of this:Contractor: “I can do you all these nice colours for X, but if you don’t mind having it the colour of, to all intents and purposes, shite, then you can have it for Y?” (i.e. somewhere around about half-the-price). Councillor: “Deal. I’ll take the right shite colour then.” Yes, The Edge accepts that CCC have taken strides to disguise the brown (see below), but that doesn’t alter the fact that someone remains accountable. Right, so that’s kicked-off this BRAND NEW right riveting series of something called ‘Shit Chelmsford’. So The Edge now wants to hear from you readers about the next one, yeah? So take a photograph showing something that’s shit about Chelmsford and let The Edge know why it is. Send to shaun@theedgemag.co.uk Simple as!
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ATTENTION LADIES! They say that the way to a man’s heart is not via an incredibly sharp six inch knife, but through his stomach. That said, ladies, The Edge feels certain that you will all be absolutely right riveted to learn that Jude Law’s favourite sandwich is thus: “Ham, cheese and mustard on crunchy white bread.” Told you you’d be riveted!
Chelmsford’s Cultural Calendar After a year in which Chelmsford hosted the Olympic Torch and celebrated its journey through the county in style, our City will once again be Essex’s centre for culture in 2013. This year, five unique community events are planned to take place alongside the world famous ‘V’ festival.
High in the Sky The season will begin in May with a stunning FREE Twilight Spectacle. On Saturday 25th May in Wharf Road car-park the Voalá Project from Spain present their show Voalá Station - a thrilling and emotional story where commuters abandon their briefcases and become entwined in a choreographed dance high in the sky…. Then in July, The 3foot People Festival returns for its eighth year. This is the largest outdoor festival exclusively for under 5s in the UK and this year it will take place for an extra day (across four days) from 1st - 4th July. Thousands of preschool children and their parents (or carers) will be overwhelmed with wonder as they experience this unique festival in Central Park.
Tents & Tepees The beautiful village of tents, tepees and domes will host an array of playful activities to inspire and entertain, including a gigantic sand pit, arts & crafts, storytelling and music & movement areas. An allocation of tickets for The 3foot People Festival go on sale to Leisure Plus card holders on Saturday 27th April, with general ticket release on Wednesday 1st May. Further details can be found at www.chelmsford.gov.uk/3foot. Tickets always sell out very quickly, so please do book early.
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The Fling The Fling Festival of assorted amusements will also return to Chelmsford’s Central Park on Saturday 6th July. At the last Fling in 2011, adults up to the age of 80+ enjoyed live music, stand-up comedy and cabaret, alongside quirkier activities such as adult storytelling, costume-making and burlesque classes. The Fling offers an intriguing alternative to the usual Saturday night out and alongside playful activities stars a fabulous cast of professional artistes and local talent who will explore, seduce and surprise your senses through performances, sideshows, poetry, a huge silent disco and much, much more. The Fling is about the magnitude of the small wonders that you’ll discover, although the festival has already secured some great headline music acts. he Correspondents are a duo of musical mixologists who, with their high speed scatting and incredulous dance moves, earned themselves The Telegraph’s ‘Top Ten Highlights’ of Glastonbury two years in a row. Janice Long of Radio One said on Public Service Broadcasting that they were: “Amazing, I absolutely loved it. Fantastic!” They have also gone on to win accolades at 6 Music and elsewhere. The third act to be announced for The Fling, with dozens more to come, is Extra Curricular - a group that combine soul with elements of rock, hip-hop and modern bass culture. They’ve been pushing their unique brand of soul-driven music on the UK underground ‘live’ circuit since early 2009 and their live show is definitely something to be wit-
nessed. We’re also very pleased to announce that the fantastic By The Rivers will also be performing. Hailed as ‘reggae for a new generation’, this sensational six-piece band are sure to get you in the party mood! Early Bird Tickets for 2013 are available now until Tuesday 7th May. Further details and online booking are available at www.chelmsford.gov.uk/fling In autumn, the brand new event ‘Sensation - A Festival of the Senses’ will take place, with activities happening in different venues throughout Chelmsford City Centre. The Cultural Events Team at Chelmsford City Council would like to invite the local community to get involved with delivering this year’s events programme. If you belong to a creative grou, or have a hidden talent that could engage preschool children at The 3foot People Festival, turn the heads of adults at The Fling, or tease the senses at Sensation, then they want to hear about it. There are also opportunities to volunteer as an event steward or coordinate activities at all of the events. For further details about how you can participate, please email the Cultural Events Team at events@chelmsford.gov.uk The events programme is brought to you by the Cultural Events Team at Chelmsford City Council with the support of The Essex Chronicle, The Meadows Chelmsford, Essex & Suffolk Water, High Chelmer Shopping Centre, M&G Investments, Seymour House, The Printing Place and BBC Essex. For more information about these events, including ticket updates, please visit: www.chelmsford.gov.uk/events Find the team on Facebook at www.facebook.com/culturaleventsteam or follow on Twitter at www.twitter.com/culteventsteam
ATTENTION HAIR DRESSERS! Can any of you hairdressers out there tell The Edge what you’d do with Christopher Walken’s barnet, hmmmmmm? He always seems to ‘wear it’ in the direction that it simply doesn’t want to go. So come on, what suggestions do you have as he surely can’t carry on looking like this!
GREAT QUOTES OF OUR TIME! “Carving meat is so darn hard. Why the hell aren’t animals square?” “Faith is like a giant wheel-clamp.” “I keep on just shitting myself.”
POSTING MAIL
The Edge’s New York columnist Steve Ward doesn’t appreciate that it costs £4.50 to send him a mag every month, or that I have to drive to Moulsham Street and park on double-yellow lines outside George’s Post Office in order to do so. He thinks he saves me money because I don’t pay him (or anyone) to write their columns. The Edge 077 646 797 44
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The Edge 01245 348256
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ONLY JOKING! Right Bastard
My wife told me that I can be a right bastard sometimes, so I’ve chosen Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.
Q&A Q. What’s got three inches and only goes in one direction? A. Louis Walsh’s cock.
Invitation My date invited me back to her place for a coffee last night. No sooner had we walked through the door than she ripped her clothes off and pushed me down onto the sofa. As she undid my flies and swung her leg over me, I said, “Aren’t you forgetting something?” “Oh, don’t worry about a condom,” she said, “I’m on the pill.” I said, “I was talking about my f ing coffee.”
***
Jewish Elbow A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown-up grandson who is coming to visit her with his wife. "You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside. The elevator is on your right. Get in and with your elbow, push level 3. When you get out, I am the first door on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell." "Grandma, that all sounds very easy, but why am I constantly hitting all of these buttons with my elbow?” "What???” says the grandmother. “Are you coming to see me empty handed???"
Big Western Fan My mate’s a big western fan so went to get a tattoo of an Indian on his back. Halfway through he said, "Don't forget to put a big tomahawk in his hand, will you?" The tattooist replied, "Give us a chance mate, I've only just finished his turban."
Choices When I was born I was given the choice of a big pecker or a good memory, only I don’t even remember what I chose....
Family Business An old Italian man is dying. So he calls his grandson to his bedside. “Guido,” he says, “Guido, I wan' you lissena me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me." "But grandpa,” says Guido, “I really don't-a like-a guns. How about you leave me your nice Rolex watch insteada?" "You lissena me, boy,” says his grandpa. “Somma day you gonna be runna da family business. You gonna get a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big home and maybe a couple of bambinos. An’ sure-a enough, somma day you gonna come home and maybe finda your wife
inna bed wi’ another man. So whatta y’gonna do then? Point to y’watch an’ say, 'times up'?”
Chance A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for £5,000 or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for £500." The man thought about his options for a while and told the undertaker that he would like to have his wife shipped home. The undertaker raised his eyebrows and asked, "Why ever would you spend £5,000 to ship your wife home when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would only spend £500?" The man replied, "Long ago, Jesus Christ died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I’m sorry, but I simply can't afford to take that chance."
Paddy says, “I tink it kills 99% of all known household germs, to be sure, to be sure.” “Question three: What happened when the disciples went to Mount Olive?" “Ah, that’s an easy one,” says Paddy. "Popeye kicked six bells of shit out o’dem, if memory serves me correctly.”
Hindsight In hindsight, I should have posted my Facebook status as: "I've blown the head gasket on my 1999 XR3i" as opposed to: "I've just buggered a 14 year old escort". The police still haven't seen the funny side, my laptop's been confiscated and the wife’s gone to stay at her mothers for a bit.
Hokey Cokey Addiction It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Cokey, but I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
Midget
Koran
A midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was known as ‘a Small Medium at Large’.
A Muslim bloke I work with was telling me he had the Koran on DVD, but our friendship took a turn for the worse when I asked him if he’d burn me a copy.
Scientists Scientists have revealed they have found a new drug for depressed lesbians. It’s called Trydixagain.
Husband Wanted A lady inserted an ad into the classifieds saying simply: ‘Husband Wanted’. Within days she had received hundreds of letters, all saying exactly the same thing: "You can have mine if you want."
Job Application Murphy applied for a fermentation operator post at a famous Irish brewery based in Dublin. A Pole also applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test by the manager. When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of a possible 20. The manager went over to Murphy and said, "Thank you for coming to the interview, but we've decided to give the Pole the job." Murphy immediately threw his hands up in the air. "Ah, why would you be doin’ that?” he demanded. “We both scored 19 questions correctly. This being Ireland and me being Irish, surely I should get the job?" The manager said, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you got wrong." Murphy looked confused and said, "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than another?" The manager said, "Try this for size. On question number seven, the Pole wrote down: ‘I don't know the answer to this question’, whilst you wrote down: ‘Neither do I'."
Dwarf A dwarf goes to a doctor’s surgery and asks, "Do you treat dwarves?" The doctor replies, "Yes, but I’m generally very busy, you’ll have to be a little patient."
Irish Priest? An Irishmen wanting to become a Priest went to see a Bishop who said, "You must first answer me three questions on the Bible. Question one: Who was born in a stable?" Paddy replies quick as a flash, “Red Rum.” “Question two: What do you think of Damascus?"
30 Year of Marriage A couple were having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand and said, "Beth, soon we will have been married for 30 years and there's something I just have to know. In all of those years of marriage, have you ever been unfaithful to me?" Beth considered the question thoughtfully before she replied, "Well, Charles, I have to be honest with you and say that yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these past 30 years, but always for very good reason." Charles was crestfallen and obviously hurt by his wife's confession, yet said, "I honestly never suspected, so please can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons'?" Beth said, "The first time was shortly after we were married and we were about to lose our little home because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening when I went to see the bank manager and the next day he notified you that our loan would be extended?" Charles nodded vaguely and said, "I suppose I can forgive you for that. You saved our home after all. But what about the second time?" Beth said, “Do you remember when you were so sick and you were off work for weeks and weeks and they were going to sack you from your job? Only I went to see your boss one evening and persuaded him to keep you on as I knew you were on the mend?” "I do recall that occasion, yes," sighed her husband, “and of course I can forgive you for that. But what about the third time?" "Ah," said his wife. “Alright, well, do you remember when you ran for the captaincy of your golf club and you only needed ten more votes to secure the position......???"
Catalogue Two Irishmen were looking through a mail order catalogue. Paddy says, "Corrrrrrr! Look at these gorgeous women! And the prices are reasonable too." Mick wholeheartedly agreed. "I'm ordering me’sel’ one right now," he said. Two weeks later Paddy says to Mick, "Has your woman turned up yet?" "No," says Mick, "but it shouldn't be too long now cos her clothes have turned up.”
All jokes published are supplied by Edge readers. Please send your ‘egg yokes’ to shaun@theedgemag.co.uk
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M
‘interview style’ questions. Instead, put your own neck on the chopping board, state your opinions about numerous things and immediately watch them say something like, “Oh, is that the time?”.
any men are never taught how to talk to women. Because of this, many guys go through life without ever gaining the ability to attract women. So here are The Edge’s ‘Top 15 Tips’ to help make sure you guys aren’t making mistakes with the women you’d like to attract. 1. You should talk about emotional topics such as childhood memories, future ambitions, or perhaps her passions (only not her ‘bedroom ones’; not ’til you’ve known her for at least, oooooh, ten years or so). These conversation topics are designed to open up her emotional floodgates and get her proper gushing. 2. Women want a guy who is not afraid to lead them; a bit like you do a horse to water. While talking to a woman, take control of the conversation and say something like, “So, what sort of a season do you think Barnsley have had?” Never wait for her to dictate what you’ll be talking about. Ever. 3. Pay attention to any ultra-subtle non-verbal clues a woman might be giving you. If you’re standing too close to her and are accidentally spitting whilst you talk, or you are making her feel uncomfortable by ‘invading her space’, she will doubtless send you a subtle hint which you would be well advised to pay attention to. 4. Remember this motto: ‘Fun, not funny’. Women are attracted to men who allow them to have fun. But don’t concentrate on having the funniest jokes or taking the piss out of women. Concentrate on showing them the most excitement and enjoyment possible....with their clothes on. 5. Tease women. One of the easiest ways to take a conversation to a fun and flirty level is to begin to tease women. Think back to your time in the playground when you used to drop things accidentally-
shaun@theedgemag.co.uk
10. Remember, it’s ‘statements over questions’. Instead of saying, “Where did you grow up?” say something like, “You don’t look like you grew up around here because your skin’s an odd colour and your eyes are somehow different.” This allows you to make observations about women and express your personality to the full.
TOP TIPS on TALKING to WOMEN on-purpose in order to look up their dresses. In the world of dating, what worked in the playground will probably work again, and that includes skipping. 6. Get intimate with her. Women are turned on by men who are not afraid to take a conversation to a personal, intimate, unhygienic level, such as asking her whether she suffers from ‘thrush’ or when her next monthly-cycle is due. 7. Use things like ‘cold reads’ to turn women on. Women love to hear opinions about themselves. Tell her what you observe about her, such as the whiteness of her teeth, the way her hair casually flicks out, or the fact that you have noticed the sensual heaviness of her two wonderful norks. 8. Avoid complimenting a woman too much. Women are turned off by men who come across as ‘needy’. If you are complimenting a woman too much she will think you are trying to impress her, which will have the exact opposite effect. 9. If you want to know how to talk to women in a way that doesn’t bore them, avoid asking too many
11. Don’t hide your identity. Don’t be afraid to talk about whatever you are passionate about, such as watching porn, F1, footie, your neighbour etc. 12. Never compliment her on her eyes, looks, or (worst of all) backside. 13. Say something that lets her know that you view her in a ‘sexual way’, because if you don’t, you run the risk of winding up in the ‘friend’ zone. 14. Use ‘conversation games’ to keep the mood fun and flirtatious. Games can be anything like ‘truth or dare’ or, to lesser extent. ‘strip poker’. 15. Don’t give away your hand so fast. Women like men who they find challenging. If you want to keep a woman’s interest, she has to feel like she is slowly winning you over. If she thinks you’re too easy, she’ll completely lose interest. The best way to think about how to talk to women is to think about what kind of fun, both playful and sexual’, you would most like to have with them. Talking to women doesn’t have to be difficult. You just need to be aware of what they are turned-on by and what turns them off. So follow the list (above) and you won’t go far wrong....much.
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Here’s one that’ll interest you. The Edge has it on good authority that Canadian actor Ryan Gosling is one of the front-runners to play ultra-minted Christian Gray in the movie version of that right fat woman’s trilogy, Fifty Shades of Shite. To be honest, The Edge hadn’t even heard of Ryan Gosling, he’s obviously that popular. However, whoever lands the lead role, surely it’ll sound the death-knell of their career? However, it is important to get the lead character just right, which is why The Edge would like to nominate none other than Laurence Fox for the role. Yes, that’s right, he who is better known as Detective Sergeant Hathaway in what used to be ITV’s Lewis. In this mag’s eyes, Laurence is bristling with both pedigree and breeding; his uncle is Edward Fox, for gawd’s sake, who starred in one of The Edge’s all time favourite movies The Day of the Jackal. Furthermore, Laurence is married to Billie Piper, so that’s got to be worth an extra point or two, and he’s also a musician in his own right with his very own label (Fox Cub)....so put that in your pipe and smoke it, Ryan, lad. Meanwhile, out of all the girlies penciled-in to play the part of Anastasia Steele (and what a bloody daft name that is), only Mila Kunis (Black Swan) and Nina Dobrev (Vampire Diaries) seem fit for purpose, although Sophia Bush does have an ASS (appropriate sounding surname). Fifty Shades is definitely going to be a chick flick of gargantuan proportions, whilst it’s also rather unflatteringly being dubbed as mummy porn, which is a slur on all of you lovely yummy mummies out there, this mag thinks. In short, E. L. James produced three incredibly dull novels with some proper cringeworthy dialogue and ‘sexcapades’ that involved bondage, whips and handcuffs that all led young, innocent (or so we were led to believe) Anastasia to have some truly ‘explosive’ orgasms. Naturally you’d be hard-pressed to find a bigger crock of shite and after meeting a genuine true dominitrix in the shape of ‘Mistress Rachel’ of Taboo recently (to discuss her advertisement details and nothing more, The Edge hastens to add), this mag can surely be forgiven for giving the forthcoming cinematic debut of Fifty Shades are rather large swerve. Fact is, the only point of interest that has come to light out of the whole Fifty Shades furore appears to be the somewhat exciting knowledge that many women apparently appear to be aroused by the thought of sexual submission....although in women’s defense, we may as well add, “particularly if the bloke in question is drop dead gorgeous, hung like a Shetland Pony and rich beyond one’s wildest dreams”. No doubt The Edge will be forced to sit through the DVD version of Fifty Shades of Shite one day....it’s just a shame Laurence Fox won’t be in it.
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Hair & Beauty SPECIAL OFFERS The Edge LOVES Scum Dine With Me, no matter what it’s erudite columnist ‘The Gentleman’ has to say about the matter. Let’s face it, how many back-to-back episodes of Master Chef can you honestly watch in one sitting, hmmmm? Not many, I’ll bet. But I can watch a good three hours worth of Come Swine With Me no fecking problem. What fascinates me about it is that it’s not so much a cookery programme but far more a human psychological experiment. The players are mere guinea pigs; who’ll hit it off with who? More to the point, who’ll clash with who? The Edge is just amazed how certain people can dislike others upon sight alone; mere words do not even have to be spoken. What’s good about CDWM is that the contestants pretty much always get shown for who and what they really are. There’s no hiding places. The programmes are edited and what they see is what we (the viewer) gets; that’s who you are and (as a contestant) you’re bloody well stuck with it. Fancy being from our fair city, appearing on there, only afterwards, everyone in Chelmsford thinks you’re a ‘rude, arrogant pig’, or perhaps even a ‘total scatter-brain with the attention-span of a pregnant maggot’. The food’s completely incidental. Repeats (that I hadn’t seen) of CDWM used to be on for about four hours on a Saturday afternoon and, if the weather was pup, I could always quite happily open a bottle of wine and sit and watch the whole damn lot. I’m sorry, but I’m just not a Question Time sort of a bloke!
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THE TAX MAN COMETH I’m sure I’m not alone in begrudging every single, solitary penny I have to pay out to those Shylocks in the Government in tax, and I’m fairly confident I’m not the only person who only opens up the bottom righthand corner of their pay-packet to see what’s going in my account, as opposed to how much they’ve bent me over for that month. I’m sure they must do something worthwhile with all the money they earn from my hard earned labour, and I never pay any mind to the ludicrous claims the tabloids make about them spending it on lesbian yam farmers or gay Nazis or whatever bollocks they spout. Obviously they’ll spend some of it on stuff I don’t agree with, but that’s life, and without going into politics or staging a ‘V for Vendetta’ style revolution, we just have to grit our teeth and poke up with it. What’s more depressing is knowing that when you work for someone else you’re taxed at a flat-rate and that’s your lot, whereas those people with their own businesses can be somewhat more ‘creative’ than the rest of us. I know a few people who work for themselves and earn twice as much as me while paying half the tax and I’m torn between saying “well done” for getting one over on the taxman and punching them repeatedly in the dick out of sheer jealousy. There are some people out there who obviously hate paying taxes more than I do and these people have definitely pushed the boundaries of creativity when it comes to filing a tax return. What’s really good about the following is that they both got away with it, though to be fair, I’d let the lady holding the melons get away with a hell of a lot if she asked me to. The young lady in question is Cynthia Hess. An exotic dancer by trade, Cynthia decided that her ‘hereditary deficiency’ was stopping her from achieving her full earning potential. In Cynthia’s case, her hereditary deficiency was more commonly known as ‘not having massive tits’. Following in the footsteps of women taking a stand against injustice, such as the suffragettes and Rosa Parks, Cynthia decided that
What, like you didn’t know this was coming. Page 26
ME & MY adamantium skeleton
The Kingmeister reports this wasn’t on and so had her chesticles expanded to a perfectly reasonable 56FF in size. If you’re not sure how big that is, then perhaps know-
that he could see the logic in the claim and that he was “impressed” with his honesty. I don’t know much about the legal system, but even I
as much “I know a few people who work for themselves and earn twice g “well done”
between sayin as me while paying half the tax and I’m torn ing them repeatedly in the punch and an tax-m the on over one g for gettin dick out of sheer jealousy.
”
ing that each of these sumptuous orbs weighed in at 10lbs will give you a better idea. And if you’re still struggling, then just come round and check my browser history. Obviously having your boobs expanded to a size where they could feasibly have their own weather system was an expensive business, so the newly stage-named ‘Chesty Love’ claimed them back as a legitimate business expense. After some legal wrangling, which I like to believe began with, “Now Ms Hess, you can’t.....Christ on a bike! Look at the size of those melons!” the court actually ruled in her favour, both as her earnings had almost doubled since the terraforming, sorry, operation took place and that the norks in question were so stupendously large that they ‘couldn’t possibly be used for anything other than business purposes’. While this heart-warming story of Chesty Love is obviously a good one, and hopefully an inspiration to many a young girl everywhere, I think the next bloke really does take the biscuit. Jeffrey Edmond-son was a drug dealer, a profession a lot of people still frown upon, and upon his arrest the US Government decided to kick him when he was down and also charge him for the back taxes he owed. Jeffrey filed a counter-claim that listed all of the ‘business’ expenses he had incurred throughout his career, which ranged from the petrol he used to collect and distribute his narcotics to one million amphetamine tablets. In a move so brilliant as it was surprising, the Judge conducting the case ruled in Jeffrey’s favour, saying
question the veracity of a Judge lauding a convicted drug dealer’s sense of honesty and fair play.
ADVERTISING ANNOYANCES Talking of professions that people frown upon, perhaps my most loathed is advertising, particularly TV advertising. On the ‘KSS’ (Kingpin social scale) advertisers sit way below drug dealers and only slightly above serial rapists. Every now and again you get an honest to goodness masterpiece, such as the gorilla drumming to ‘In the air tonight’ by Phil Collins, but the vast majority of them are utter shit.
Seriously, this is right up there with Coppola and Tarantino for me What infuriates me more than the quality of adverts on the TV is their sheer quantity, which has got way out of control in my opinion. It’s got to the point where I refuse to watch ‘live’ TV anymore. I just record everything and then watch it a day or so after so I can fast forward through all the damn adverts. But I broke my ruling last night as I just had to watch the pilot episode of the new Sci-Fi show ‘Defiance’. The show itself was brilliant (in the first 30 minutes the hero played a Johnny Cash song, beat up at least 4 people and vigorously rogered a
hooker. That’s ‘Kingpin TV Gold’, is that), but the amount of adverts in between was quite staggering. Without exaggeration or hyperbole, I can honestly say they were literally every five minutes for the first hour, which frankly is bloody ludicrous. (Yes, I know it’s big business and I know that without the advertising revenue a lot of these shows wouldn’t get made, but there’s got to be a balance somewhere, surely?) I discovered an interesting article online about the future of advertising and, if even half of it is true, things look as though they’re going to get even worse. Verizon have filed a patent for a box that watches you while you watch TV. The box literally watches what you’re doing (on the sofa) while you’re watching TV and then puts out ads that might be relevant to you. So, if you’re munching Pizza through your Dr. Who marathon, you’ll get adverts for Pizza Hut and the like. And one can only assume that if you’re hoovering up narcotics from your coffee table you’ll get adverts for the Blu-Ray of ‘Scarface’ or the next season of ‘Breaking Bad’. I can only imagine what they’ll advertise if you’re having a bit of sofabased nookie or cheekily knocking one out with the TV on in the background. Microsoft are also getting in on the act by patenting a similar box, but one that chooses adverts based on your mood, which it gleans from facial recognition software analysing your expression. Bizarrely, their product brief apparently detailed what adverts to show if someone was screaming. Adverts for Valium or the emergency services, perhaps?
“Hi. We see you’re being murdered! Could we interest you in our funeral services?” Unless, of course, the TV was on in the Fred West household, in which case I imagine it would be adverts for a stout length of rope and a very sharp knife. Part of me actually wants to see these devices come into use, despite their hideously invasive nature. I’m pretty sure the implementation would be predictably piss-poor and hilarious, which is almost enough to make me forget that they’re basically spying on me in the comfort of my very own living-room, so they can try and sell me even more useless crap. One thing’s for sure though, I’d probably crack one off on the sofa a lot more often just to see what happens.
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TAXING TIMES
come to Should you be asked what epithets mind when someone says the word ‘America’, we’re what would be your answers? Incidentally, but not talking here about popular culture, the country supposed truths upon which the whole to mind? is founded. So what would come
of unfettered Land of the Free? Maybe. Home capitalism? Probably. A preference for small Certainly. government? Check. Low taxes? true, but let Well, all the first three are arguably
not a place me tell you, this is very definitely described be as where taxes could in any way major change, especially to somewhere that In fact, low. Or even low-ish, come to that. a taxes reputedly are much lower. So it was a better phrase would be: “Shee-it - you want how nasty shock my first payslip arrived and it when much?” obvious that the ubiquitous ‘they’ are became taking as much of those of us your hard earned cash here The thing about taxes, at least for as they do in the UK. on a salary, is that you don’t really notice them. each An amount gets taken out of your pay worse in the US, however, get while it Things infinitely week or month, and after a little at the end of the year. That’s when you have to becomes normal, just a part of your life, like tax return. In the UK, you do a fill in and file the hated eating and sleeping. Each payday most of us have to do the four page tax return sanity check on the payslip to make sure it’s upon which we write the details supplied by our about the same as last time, and if it is, you employer, add in the several pence you have simply forget about it and move onto something received in interest on your savings account, more interesting. the end of that. It is a right send it off, and that’s pain, and something you always put off until the occurs that It’s only when some major change a bit more atten- condescending adverts on TV have nagged you you might pay the tax amount into submission. the Overall though, it’s a bugger, tion. Such as the government has raised than a thing to be feared. rather into a different but a chore basic rate, say, or you’ve moved rate bracket. Then you’ll have a look for the first to Now, if you think soon revert the UK Tax Return is complitime or two that you get paid, but cated (and it is), then you want to see the US normal and get on with life, because what else version. For a start, there’s always more than can you do. have Federal form to com one. You a monster plete, then another one for the state you happen qualifies as a Clearly moving to another country to be living and working in. Now comes the
shocker for a naive Brit. Should you spend a few days working in, say, Massachusetts (I did), then that state also wants a slice of your action and you need to file a tax return there too. And of course, send them a cheque. My three tax returns ran to 77 pages. That’s properly complicated. The official stats are that over 90% of federal tax returns are incorrect. This isn’t people deliberately trying to defraud the government, it’s just that they don’t have the mental capacity or stamina to wade through all those pages of officialese language and the infinite boxes and sub clauses without making a mistake. It also seems that anyone who can afford the $300 or so that it costs will hire an accountant to do it for them. Which, if we believe the 90% plus figure, means that a number of the professionals are screwing it up too. Not very encouraging, is it? The only obviously good thing about the US tax returns is that a year actually means a year. That is, January 1st to December 31st. Where the UK got that ridiculous 5th April date from God only knows. It makes life doubly complicated for a Brit in the US because the statement you get from the UK bank telling you the total net earnings on your savings account was £1.07 and the tax retained was £0.27 runs from April to April - you now have to work out what the January to December figure was and keep the evidence in case the Internal Revenue Service wants to audit you. It’s almost a full time job.
America might be the land of the free, but man, that freedom is expensive.
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The MINI Paceman’s all-new design is eye-catching and guaranteed to turn heads wherever you drive around town....or city in Chelmsford’s case! Just one look under the bonnet of the latest addition to the MINI family and it’s clear that it has everything you need for an enjoyable drive. Four engine variants are available, packing up to 184 horsepower and ready to take you down the liveliest of roads. ALL4 all-wheel drive is also an option and as for style - well, that comes as standard. not take a test-drive in a So why Paceman and feel what new MINI it’s like to be in the spotlight. line of the roof and The dynamic of the rear sporty muscular styling car are sure to draw envious of the and glances from other motorists
Does anyone get as ‘CHO’ (completely hacked off) with the socalled service of Virgin Media as what (I meant to say what there) The Edge does? Christ on a bike, how often do you lose both email and internet access? And how feckin’ POINTLESS is it speaking to one of ‘their men’ in bloody India? Jeez, the sooner I can get out of my contract with Virgin, the better. Oh, it’s alright Branson showing off his air stewardesses in his TV commercials their bright red with lipstick and even redder, tightly fit ting outfits. Then he’s got that skinny Scottish former annoying, Dr Who wanker telling us all how Virgin Media supposedly good is.
No it bloody well isn’t. passers-by alike. those to Why doesn’t come he round to Meanwhile, lucky enough passengers will be film me literally ‘Edge Towers’ and be rear-seat in the lounge-like hair out’ (figuratively ‘pulling my enveloped sculp speaking, 44:7=<-;?144;<):<)6, of course) on me deadcomfort of two individually . seats. line day and that’ll show everyone tured waiting just how good his feckin’ services So what are you for? are, the bearded tosser. Book a test-drive today. 0845 125 6910 be I’ll bet he hasn’t got Virgin installed Telephone and on his Necker bloody Island. sure to mention you saw this article $ The Edge. gone right off Branson, I’ve I have. in
1
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REMEMBER YOUR FIRST BIKE? I think everyone remembers their first bike. Mine was a little blue bike with stabilisers and solid tyres. In the 1970’s ‘solid tyres’ really meant what it said on the tin - the tyres were completely solid. In fact, they were hard enough to knock nails in, which I used to do during some of my ‘bored moments’. However, the ride comfort was totally unimportant because for the first time ever my bike offered me the potential to outrun my parents. I also loved my pedal go-kart called a ‘Kettcar’. I pedaled it around the paved area in front of our house for miles, round and round, all day long, every day. It had a handbrake and what looked like a little gear-lever in the middle which confus ingly didn’t change gear but would instead allow the pedals to freewheel. It probably would have made more sense had I lived on a hill. Kettler still manufacture Kettcars and I must admit I have the nostalgic urge to buy my own little boy one. Eventually I moved up to a Chopper which I thought was super cool. I could even transport several do endless of my mates on the back, wheelies, or disastrously try both at the same time.
bored of sitting on it and would want to copy what he had seen his Dad doing, which was to push it along with the pole himself. The first little vehicle that ‘The Boy’ really loved riding was his Scuttlebug. A Scuttlebug is a thoughtfully engineered cross between a scooter and tricycle. It has no pedals and is small and light with three fast scooter-like wheels, yet with the high seated support of a tricycle so that it’s easy for ‘The Boy’ to ‘scuttle’ along on. It’s also light and strong and despite the small wheel size he is easily able to ride over just about any ter rain. The Scuttlebug also folds up in an almost magical way whereby everything folds completely flat into the seat. In fact, I can’t recommend them highly enough to parents of young toddlers. The clever spring-locked hinges work with such an enticing action of sheer techno-pleasure that all dads are compelled to fold and unfold it at least three times before exclaiming, “That is clever, is that!” In fact, they are so well designed that if smiley Brian Cox were to see one in action, even he would admit they were very clever indeed.
In 1982, like most kids who watched E.T., I left the cinema with thought one single in my mind and it had nothing with aliens. I wanted a to do (;:,853:.+353+4: BMX. I . And on the day of my very next birthday, came downstairs and I found a shiny blue BMX with yellow mag wheels which I rode everywhere. It was simple; where I went, the bike took me.
Choosing for your a vehicle toddler is unbeliev ably complex. There are scooters with either two, three, or four wheels. There aresome that fold and others that don’t. Some have the two wheels at the front others have two whilst at the back. There are perplexing variations of bikes, trikes, and all manner of children’s vehicles wheeled available. to It is mind blowing trying choose which may be the correct one for your own child’s abilities and enthusiasms.
My little boy already that I has a range of vehicles don’t think ever existed in the 70’s. He’s got a tricycle with to theback of it a sort of poleattached so you can your back push it along without doing in. He out on it, but would get did love going
I’ve just Boy’ a balance bike to add got ‘The to his collection. It looks but without any like a BMX pedals, with a low-slung metal frame and smallish wheels. It has punctureless tyres which I dreaded being tyres as hard as the bone-shattering solid
by Robert Rutherford of my own first bike, but the modern versions are absolutely brilliant. They’re made from a type of hardened foam and feel very much like normal pneumatic tyres, except you don’t need to put air in them. As it doesn’t have brakes, pedals, chains or gears, it’s incredibly light and ‘The Boy’ happily scoots along on it pretty quickly already. I don’t think it matters whether the first bike you remember is an old solid tyre bone cruncher or an ingenious folding Scuttlebug; it is what they represent that cements them as fond memories. And that is, like Mel Gibson shrieks at the end of Braveheart, “Freeeeeedom!”
"
“The Scuttlebug (above) folds up in an almost magical way whereby everything folds completely flat into the seat.”
Abetter way to divorce? If you are facing a breakdown of your relationship, the things that you may dread the most are how you can sort out the finances; the house; the children. The thought of arguing and going to court is both frightening and expensive. There is, however, another way. Collaborative Family Law is a process where you and your spouse have your own solicitor, but instead of being adversarial, you work together to find the right solutions to your problems. You agree that you will not resort to court proceedings and by having a series of meetings you can reach agreement on all of the things that matter to you. These can be things that the court can not help you with because of the way the traditional court system operates. You set the pace of the process, you set the agenda, and you make the decisions. Your lives are not left in the hands of the courts or the judges. At a time when the court system is becoming even more pressured due to cut backs, the collaborative process can offer a far quicker resolution. Many people are finding the collaborative process a better way to divorce and come away feeling satisfied that they have aired their views and reached an agreement that will work. Children have especially benefited from their parents dealing with their divorce in a collaborative way as they see their parents working together rather than arguing about them. Collaborative Family lawyers are trained to deal with separation in the collaborative way and are experienced family lawyers committed to providing a professional service to their clients. Most collaborative lawyers will offer a free chat about collaborative law to see if it would suit you. For more information, contact Teresa Foss on 01245 349696, email: tfoss@thblegal.com & visit www.thblegal.com. or
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GRAPE SMUGGLER Never let it be said that I am not a girl of who likes to be at the cutting edge fashion, most and this certainly caught my eye last week. It’s the
plates.
TOTALLY TRACIE REWIND REWIND recent shown A study has that more would unsurprisingly like to go people forward, given back in time than go Which got me thinking; the choice. seem to have gone we as a nation Vintage and ‘pre-loved’ any mad for the as we seemingly thing hanker for days. In my house we have good old 3 iPhones, 2 laptops, a telly 2 iPads, supposedly ‘talk’ to all the that can bits of equipment in the house other system and a wireless sound that can iPad, not to mention a son ‘talk’ to the sit on the sofa and ‘talk’ to that can and change all of the entire system by scratching his the settings just live, by total accident I nose. I now in one of those might add, houses used to talk about on that they World! So are we happy Tomorrow’s bubbles? in our high-tech It would not - most of us don’t seem to appear it at all. We are living in a schizwant era. We are forever looking ophrenic peering into the future, and forward, about what button to press thinking make it all happen, whilst at next to time we’re also gazing the same the past, hankering longingly at for good old golden those days. It seems we were really happier when we went picked strawberries out and and off the bush, than blackberries rather them ordering on-line. I bought a big ball of vinYesterday two bars of grating choco tage twine, and a packet of vintage wrapped late sweets, because parma violet just the me of the past. wrapping all reminded you noticed how are Have allotments everywhere with springing up long waiting-lists exceedingly in baking and certain areas? Bread all the rage cake making are similarly to times gone by. as we try to return jelly moulds are currently And vintage more than a kilo of crack fetching on eBay as we all try to cocaine that old fashioned ‘feel’ in recreate our kitchens. we all scrolling through So why are screens in restaurants, our smart each other our latest app showing at how Google will finds, marveling documents in a cloud, and how store turn a long URL into-*B=;B Bitly can a diddy 2one and Swizzle will clear up our - pure genius! But while all this inbox scanning is going on, we are secretly cloudy the menu for home-made suet and lemonade, beef pudding pudding, bread & butter hoping it will all be served on mismatched vintage
latest thing in men’s underwear - and it’s apparently flying out the door with an unbelievable sales record of one sold every minute! E Described as an "original and ultra sexy string which only encloses one side of the waist" the String Latéral Flash Bleu Alter - or ‘Grape Smuggler’ to the rest of us - can be yours for a mere £22. So what are E you waiting for, all you Chelmsford boys out there? E I’M A BELIEBER Standing in the longest ticket queue at Stansted Airport last month, I heard and a scream then a high pitched wail. I thought Originally had eventually cracked and someone gone mad from the heat of standing in the queue past two hours. for the and to be EThe screams wails seemed coming mainly from hysterical teenage girls, but what was the cause? It transpired that a Tweet had just gone out stating that Justin Bieber was never going to perform in the UK again! It brought back some funny memo ries Idol is a for me; Teenage Love fickle thing. I remember my school friend Amanda and I crying on each shoulders %other in the playground when up the Bay City Rollers broke and I swear it scarred us both for life. We used tartan to wear long socks in support of our idols and in anact of we in the %defiance removed them playground and refused to put them back when instructed to do on, even Eso by the headmistress. And if that wasn’t enough, we also shared the pain all over again when Wham! announced their own farewell tour and outside we kept an all night vigil Wembley so that we could be the first through the doors to wave goodbye to George (we weren’t really both ered about Andrew). In all her hysteria, my friend Amanda pushed me over at the very last minute to claim the last front row seat and we didn’t speak to each other for 20 years after that. But I’m happy to say that thanks to good we are now old Facebook back in touch and have since laughed our socks off (again) about the fact that neither one of us would cross ( the road to say ‘hello’ to George Michael today. Meanwhile, Justin tweeted Bieber that he thinks that even Anne Frank would - had she lived - been a fan of his today. Tut, as if the poor girl didn’t suffer enough!
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