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EDGE
the
PUB & Dining Nestled between Writtle and Roxwell
‘THE CHELMSFORD FANZINE’
ISSUE NO: 179
01245 421894
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SEPTEMBER 2011
8 Moulsham Street Chelmsford 01245 257137 www.sdbhair.co.uk shaun@theedgemag.co.uk
The Edge Chelmsford CM2 6XD
Telephone 01245 348256
Mobile: 077 646 797 44
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Talk about being as FIT AS ARSE! This is some of that Beach Volleyball stuff from Horse Guards Parade when they were testing out the Olympic locations and what have you, as captured by ‘Lengthy Boy’. These babes were certainly a damn good reason for him to get out of his pit and lug his ass down to London on a Sunday morning, that’s for sure!
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The Edge Editor’s Column BREAKFAST OF CHAMPIONS They say that sex is the breakfast of champions. However, I am far less predictable. What I mean is, sometimes I might fancy a couple of Weetabix and sometimes I might fancy a toasted bagel, only I don’t really decide until I’m halfway down the stairs, still in me jim-jams (naturally with THE EDGE logo printed all over them, just so the picture is 100% complete in your minds, readers). Anyway, this particular morning - well, this very morning, as it happens - I’m looking in the cupboard as I know exactly what I fancy, only, like most blokes, I have to R.T.M. (refer to missus). “Haven’t we got any Bran Flakes?” I ask (sometimes I have Bran Flakes mixed with Grape Nuts with slices of banana and yogurt on top). “Yes,” says Mrs Edge, “they’re underneath the Shreddies.” Jesus wept. Underneath the Shreddies? I vaguely remember fancying some Spoon Sized Shreddies (to which I add honey) on our last camping trip (see your editor beneath his fishing brolly, above, even though I’ve never been fishing in my life), only presumably I never finished the whole box and IN ORDER TO SAVE ON
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SPACE, Mrs Edge has decided to put the remaining Shreddies ON TOP of the Bran Flakes in a Tupperware container. WHAT IS THAT ALL ABOUT??? So you can imagine the start to the day I’ve had, can’t you, readers? I mean, World War III nearly broke out. “That is absolute madness, woman! What the bloody hell are you doing mixing cereals?” “There was no room. I had to!” “No room? What....so I have to finish the Shreddies before I can have some Bran Flakes, have I?” “Well pick them off the top then!” “RIGHT! If that’s your attitude, I bloody well WILL!” Naturally I then continued muttering beneath my breath in the general direction of the wife about how this is not such a good start to the day for me personally as “doesn’t she appreciate that ‘us creative types’ need peace and harmony at the breakfast table in order to get the creative juices flowing” - to which she just gave me that withering look that I have become oh so used to over the years. Tut. So that’s breakfast time in our house, readers. What’s it like in yours?
EDGE MAKES IMPORTANT NEW SIGNING If you’re interested in football, you’ll doubtless have been curious to see what new signings your club made prior to the new season. Well, The Edge reckons it has pulled off the coup of the decade by signing Mr. Chelmsford himself, Mick Mc(Paddy-Whack)Donagh (see page 8) as he will give the mag something we’ve never had before.....“and not just in the middle of the park, Barry.” Mick is a Celtic Chelmsfordian. He joined the High Chelmer Shopping Centre back in 1989 as
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Deputy Manager and that is when your editor first encountered him, even though the mag itself would not be created for another 7 years. Mick was subsequently promoted to Centre Manager (it was always destined to happen) in 1995 and in his current role, his principle responsibilities are strategic asset planning, budgeting control, and both promotions and marketing. Mick is exceedingly well placed to understand the needs of the local business community and as Chairman of Chelmsford Retailers Association was directly involved in the pedestrianisation of our High Street and a founder member of the Town CCTV Partnership. Mick was both Vice -President and President of Chelmsford Chamber of Commerce and also non- Executive Director of North and Mid-Essex Chambers of Commerce. He is a long-serving member of the local executive committee and a former Chairman of the Chelmsford Business Forum who sat on the Local Strategic Partnership Board....so I trust you readers can see how nicely he’s going to sit in the centre of our midfield ‘diamond formation’? Macca lives in Old Moulsham with his Italian wife, Gina. They have two daughters, a son and three grandsons. In his spare time, he is an exponent of the martial arts and holds black belts in two disciplines, whilst currently studying Tai Chi, Ba Gua and Hsing-l. During the summer months, he is known to disappear back to his tribe on the West Coast of Ireland where he snorkels and surfs. The Edge Editor comments, “He’ll do for my team. Lad’s in his prime. Like when Cloughie signed Dave Mackay for Derby County from Spurs. Stroke of bloody genius, that was. And I do like to think of myself in the same bracket.” THE EDGE Chelmsford CM2 6XD 01245 348256 shaun@theedgemag.co.uk
Now w andd Then dresss agencyy andd boutique
We are holding another sale of pre-loved classic, designer, iconic & vintage clothing at
6 Moulsham Street, Chelmsford, CM2 0HR
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the corner lounge exchange way, chelmsford.
CHRISTMAS PARTY LUNCH MENU 2-courses £16.50 inc. filter coffee 3-courses £19.50 inc. filter coffee
CHRISTMAS PARTY EVENING MENU £24.50 inc. disco entertainment in Club Fusion Bar licensed ’til 3:00am
Vegetarian alternative options available upon request - please telephone for details.
For all enquiries please telephone 01245 505880. reservations@thecornerlounge.co.uk www.thecornerlounge.co.uk Page 4
We sell pre-loved classic, designer, iconic and vintage clothing, which is in great condition, on behalf of others. Our philosophy is to keep the good stuff in circulation! We hold regular sales to the public at Chicago’s in Chelmsford. We also host private viewings of the full collection, or we can bring a selection of items to you. Our online shop is in the middle of construction and should be up and running by mid-September. If you would like to arrange to see the collection or speak to us about selling your own good stuff, then please email us at info@nowandthencollection.co.uk You can check out the online shop at www.nowandthencollection.co.uk
The Edge 01245 348256
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Bear Grylls? Pagh!
GLUG!
GLUG!
15:52
! GLUG
Theory on Drinking Y’see, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the heard is hunted, well, it’s the slowest and the weakest ones at the back that’re killed first. This natural selection is actually good for the herd as a whole because the general speed and health of the group keeps improving by the regular culling of its weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as its slowest brain cells. Now, as we all know, an excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and the weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of alcohol eliminates the weaker brain cells, thus making the brain a faster and much more efficient machine. And that, dear readers, is why you always feel smarter after a few drinks.
Who doesn’t LOVE a blackberry & apple crumble, eh, readers? Perhaps with a little ‘dog egg’ on the side. Well, it’s all out there in the local bush. So all you’ve got to do is put your determined head on and get out there and start foraging. I booted Mrs Edge out of bed the other Saturday morning and said, “Come on, love, up you get. Man has a primal instinct to provide, so best you get busy with the crumble mix whilst I go out and snare us some blackberry’s.” (How bloody manly is that?) It isn’t half safisfying, collecting free tucker. What’s more, passers by actually smile at you, I like to believe because they recognise you’re doing something so typically English (who says fruit picking only happens in France?). Talk about being wrapped in brambles though which is why I went along well prepared with some chainmail gloves and a garden folk to beat the buggers back with. Oh yeah, they don’t call me ‘Bear Edge’ for nowt!
Ali’s Taxis 46-46-46
inc. 8 seater mini-buses Airport Trips Corporate Accounts Welcome
The intrepid Edge Editor, out in the bush, searching for tucker.
Introducing Matthew your local Dulux designer When spending money on creating a new look for your home, getting some expert advice can be a really good idea. With the Dulux Design Service you can get the help and expertise from your very own professional interior designer, directly to you at home. Our experienced and friendly designers have access to everything you need to create a beautiful new room, from fabrics and furniture, right through to skilled tradesmen to put it all in place. What’s more, you can choose from three levels of service to suit your needs and budget.
Contact your local Dulux designer Matthew on 0845 880 6888 or visit matthew.duluxdesignservice.co.uk
M atthew Fennell ‘Dulux’, ‘Dulux Design Service’ and the Dulux Design Service logo are trademarks of AkzoNobel. Photography courtesy of Harlequin.
www.theedgemag.co.uk
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WHAT THIS PICTURE SAYS TO THE EDGE...
“Fisherman’s Friends, Port Isaac, Cornwall.”
Freshly made sandwiches, jacket potatoes, salad boxes, homemade soups, cakes & much much more!
Duke Street. Tel: 01245 499114 m
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You’ve all heard about those Fisherman’s Friends blokes/singers from down in deepest, darkest Cornwall who recently landed the £1million record contract (with Universal Records, Lady Gaga’s label), haven’t you, readers? Well, on a recent camping trip to St. Just and Polzeath, Mrs Edge and I popped along to see them perform one Friday night in Port Isaac, where they all live, and it really was a sight to behold, and to hear. “Biggest crowd we’ve ever sung to down ‘ere,” said the big bald headed one with the charismatic moustache (Jon Cleave, also creator of the Gully children’s books character) who seems to do all of their talking between songs. Sea shanties they sing, and old Cornish folk songs, and these guys have genuinely known each other all of their lives, which The Edge thinks is lovely. So if ever you find yourselves down in Holidaymakers swelled the crowd watching the that part of the world (Port Isaac is also guys sing-song on the beach. where Doc Martin is filmed and is just the quaintest of ports) during the summer months, you will generally find the chaps with a beer in hand (to loosen the vocal cords) on the beach from 8:00pm most Friday nights. I must say, it’d been a good two or three years since we’d last visited Cornwall and I really did fall in love with the county all over again. St. Just was covered in low-lying mist and fog (whilst Chelmsford was presumably sweltering in late July), but it really didn’t matter because the bloke who runs The Star instantly recognised me and bought me and Mrs Edge our drinks as a thank you for putting something in The Edge about him and his pub after our previous visit. And Polzeath? Ahhhh, Polzeath. Feel soooo at home in Polzeath.
No, you’re right, readers....The Edge didn’t take this shot!
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shaun@theedgemag.co.uk
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chased by Aldi who are in discussions with planners on the future of the area. Elsewhere in town, the new Magistrates Court in New Street is well under way. The new court will be open for Spring 2012 and will replace the existing Magistrates Court in Shire Hall. The former Anglian Ruskin University central campus in Victoria Road South has recently been demolished and the owners, Genesis Housing Association, has a design team working up concepts for a planning application.
Mick McDonagh Town Matters For those readers who do not know me, my vocation (for that is precisely what it is) in life is Manager of High Chelmer. The role has evolved over time and is currently perceived to be that of a respected property professional who in partnership with others adds value to the property asset for their clients.
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Country Pub Eating Conversation Monday - Thursday Lunchtimes FIXED PRICE MENU 1 course £8.95 2 courses £11.95 3 courses £14.95 Thursday Steak Night Two steaks and a bottle of wine for only £29.95 as well as a wide range of different steaks to choose from, all from our Steak Night Menu.
Relaxed Sundays Chill out with the Sunday ’papers and a coffee. The Griffin’s famous Sunday Roast from £12.95 Two courses for only £15.00
The Griffin 64 Main Road, Danbury, CM3 4DH. T: 01245 699024 E: info@griffindanbury.co.uk Page 8
The perfect Centre Manager is said to be extrovert in promoting and marketing the centre, personable in relations with tenants and the general public, dynamic in his ability to motivate staff, engender appropriate corporate spirit and enthusiasm, efficient in the handling of the administrative function, tenacious in pursuit of excellence, diligent in securing the requisite standard of performance from contractors, and appreciative of the desires of retailers to maximise turnover and profits. This perfect human specimen may not exist, but that does not stop me working to aspire to it every single day. High Chelmer is a considerable chunk of the retail heart of Chelmsford town centre, so naturally I have a vested interest in ensuring the town as a whole remains a successful retail centre. Therefore, over the years, I have been privileged to have actively participated in the development and growth of the county town in a number of key roles which have collectively conspired to have me labeled by others (you know who you are!) as someone who is always ‘in the know’. Well, I wish to dispel that rumour here and now. The fact of the matter is that I simply happen to be more inquisitive than most (it’s probably genetic). I am a habitual reader of planning notices on lamp posts and in newspapers and if I see a builders’ hoarding, I simply have a desire to know what’s going on behind it. Construction cranes on a skyline beckon me to them so that I may discover just what’s occurring on the development front. I regularly walk our town, striving to achieve a mental state of what the Japanese call Zanshin which roughly translates as ‘tactical awareness’. I endeavour to cultivate the state of a calm mind, not through an intellectual analysis of the environment, but rather one that, through experience, evolves naturally and instinctively, thereby honing the ability to dynamically risk assess and adapt to changing situations of potential conflict with the appropriate response. Complacency can kill.....and it’s also bad for business! For example, on Parkway, previously the site of a VW car dealership (adjacent to Lynmouth Avenue) has a residential scheme coming out of the ground that will consist of 76 flats with parking. Just across the road, the former Jewsons site has been pur-
Primark High Chelmer have demolished units 21-23 High Chelmer West and 1-4 Market Square and have reconstructed the units into a two storey building with an extension to the east side, thus creating a new 12,000 sq ft flagship store for JJB, which is currently being shopfitted. We are extending the main anchor store at Central Square from 37,000 sq ft to 61,000 sq ft for Primark. Elevation changes have been made to Market Square and Bellmead, which includes an A3 café/restaurant use on the corner nearest Bell Meadow which will revitalise this area, providing greater permeability and interaction with the park. Work at the Central Square anchor store involves a three storey side extension and a single storey roof extension, as well as a new double height entrance at Central Square and a shop front along Bellmead. You can keep up to date by visiting our website: www.highchelmer.com where we have also set up a link to webcams which oversee the development site. Elsewhere on site, the Chancellor Hall in Market Road has planning approval for change of use to a ‘live entertainment venue and bar/nightclub’. Preliminary works have already begun.
Multi-Storey Car Park/Retail Market The car park has been closed since March. Chelmsford Borough Council have approved a work programme valued at £1.6 million in order to get the building refurbished and back into public use as soon as possible.
John Lewis Outline planning approval for a mixed development of residential and retail space was granted to Aquila on the Bond Street site. The scheme will comprise of 280 car parking spaces and up to 25 additional retail units which will provide a vibrant mix of shops and river-fronted restaurants. A John Lewis store will anchor the scheme. The estimated completion was originally Spring 2013, but currently work is being done on amended drawings for public consultation.
Essex County Cricket Club The Secretary of State granted planning permission in June 2010 for an amended scheme comprising a new cricket ground, 413 residential units, a multi-storey car park, public square and a new bridge to Central Park.
Meadows At the Meadows Shopping Centre, Art@Home relocated from Backnang Square to make way for Giraffe, who are currently shopfitting an extended unit.
High Street The Nosh eatery is currently undergoing a two storey extension at the rear, where patrons will eventually be able to dine on a roof terrace. Work should be completed in November, whereupon they will be offering an extended menu and opening hours. In the coming months, I will endeavour to keep you informed about further developments on the retail scene and other aspects relating to my chosen field of endeavour that I feel may be of interest to you. I hope you readers have found the above information useful and I am always receptive to feedback at: HighChelmer@LaSalle.com
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Round The World at Loch Fyne
Ahhhh, bless! For that’s exactly what I thought when I snapped this photograph of the MacDonald family at The White Hart (Margaretting Tye) Beer Festival towards the end of July. I’ve known David (Dad) for a fair few years now, without ever really knowing him, if you know what I mean. Right back, in fact, to the days when D-Place used to be at The Saracens.....do you remember that, readers? Way back then, our David was just a beardless ‘lad’, whereas these days he’s blossomed in much the same way Gryff Rhys Jones has blossomed looks wise, what with his greying locks and trendy little goatee (not too ‘hom’ for you, all this, is it, sir?). Anyway, my point being, look at how lovely young Holly is cuddling her Dad’s arm (it’s a natural, protective instinct most kids adopt with their nearest parent whenever your editor is around, for some unknown reason) and I just thought, ‘I’m never going to experience that in my lifetime’ and it instantly made me feel a bit sad, that’s all.
Flavours of Greece come to Loch Fyne in Chelmsford on Thursday 15th September. Join us for a mouth-watering three course dinner including a glass of wine for only £20 per person and an evening celebrating Greek food, wine and culture. Bookings now being taken. Loch Fyne Restaurant 109-111 Bond Street, Chelmsford. Tel: 01245 293620. chelmsford@lochfyne.net. www.lochfyne.com
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www.backinntime.co.uk The Edge 077 646 797 44
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CAESAROMAGUS his is the small plaque that your editor spotted on the floor outside Next (I don’t shop there, OK?) on Springfield Road which featured in last months mag under the header ‘Can Somebody Please Explain?’. Well, yes, they can, apparently... Hi Shaun, Reference Page 14 of issue no 178: the brass plaque is one of twelve which form a trail from ‘Friendship Bridge’ to the old Marconi building in Hall Street. They were part of the ‘Jibber Jabber’ day, but form a permanent trail. I worked with a class of year IV pupils at Springfield Primary School looking at industrial histories in Chelmsford and the story of Mesopotamia Island elections via a series of workshops which focused on time travel. The resulting story was visualised in twelve brass plaques including a letter on each one which, when collected, forms a word related to the town (which The Edge can exclusively reveal is CAESAROMAGUS, readers. Oh yes, almost 2,000 years ago, the Romans (what have they ever done for us?) built a small town on the site of Moulsham called Caesaromagus (Caesar’s Market Place) which formed a local market town halfway between London and Colchester. When the Romans left Britain in 407 (because it was shite), this little Roman town disappeared, before the modern town of Chelmsford was created in the Middle Ages). There are postcards in the library and the museum to support the trail and you can find out more on the blog which followed the project: http://www.springfieldtimetravellers.blogspot.com/ There is a slight blip in the permanency at present in that Moulsham Street is being dug up, so two of the plaques have been removed and will be replaced during reconstruction (I sincerely hope!). Regards Elaine Tribley Visual Artist See, readers: ‘Build it and they will come.’ What your editor means is, post your questions in The Edge and they will always be answered.
T
New Street, Chelmsford, CM1 1PP.
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Not sure what this looks like to you, readers, but after my plea in last months Edge, this lady is practically putting me back together again, ever so slowly, piece by piece. “Now just try and relax,” Jacqueline will often say to me in her lilting Irish brogue. To which I will splutter, “That’s easy for you to say, so it is (I cannot help myself but pathetically parody her accent, which is a bit rich, I know), but it is kind of tricky with you elbows jabbing me right in the ARSE!” Oh, Jacqueline knows her stuff alright, readers, and thank Christ for that, because I was in so much pain when I turned up for an appointment the other morning. But when she’d eventually finished manipulating me and she finally jabbed one of her bastard elbows (that’s what I call them, as it’s often not so very pleasant lying there at all, but hey, no pain, no gain, right?) squarely into one of my shoulder blades, it honestly felt as though a big ball of puss had internally been lanced and was being slowly released down the veins in my arm. Oh, such sweet relief.....I honestly can’t tell you, readers. So yeah, you could say this lady has become pretty much damn near indispensible to your editor’s life of late. (See page 12 for further details.)
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.. When The Edge was first summoned to the Everest Gurkha Bar & Restaurant by none other than owner Mr Harka Sewa (see Harka above with his natty red handkerchief), I immediately thought of ‘The Usual Suspects’ movie and a quiver went down my spice as he sounded like a mob boss. But what a lovely, lovely man Harka is and The Edge can only wish him well in his brand new Chelmsford venture. Here’s why you should try the all new Everest Gurkha Bar & Restaurant, folks: Mrs Edge and I dined there on a Thursday evening and were back in there again the following night, after a couple of drinks sat outside The Plough, for a right tasty take-away! As it happens, Mrs Edge and I are two of the very few Westerners to have actually visited Nepal (arf, arf) and like Harka says, “Nepalese cuisine falls between that of Indian and Chinese food, but it’s not the same. It’s flavours aren’t so overwhelming as Indian cuisine and are much healthier and more delicately flavoured.” We visited Nepal back in 1997 (including a short stay at the Marshyangdi Hotel in Kathmandu) and then went trekking in the Hymalayas before doing a whole weeks white water rafting down both the Sunkoshi and Tamor rivers in eastern Nepal. That three week trip wasn’t always plain sailing, but out of all the holidays we’ve ever had in our entire lives, it’s definitely the one that stands out the most, I guess because it was such an adventure.
Mrs Edge and I chose a selection of starters including Gurkhali Momo (steamed lamb dumplings served with a ‘special’ chutney) and Kalejo Bhutuwa, which is chicken livers stir-fried with spring onions and masala and Nepalese spices, and we have to report that they were absolutely delicious, particularly the latter. There’s a freshness about the food served at the Everest that’s immediately apparent, and the continually smiling faces of the Nepalese waitresses only adds to the pleasure of your visit, for they truly are a wonderful people.
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ALOO CHOP (Mashed potato mixed with green peas, onions. ginger, garlic and herbs, covered in golden breadcrumbs and deep fried)
CHOILA This couple certainly seem happy enough with their food... For our mains, how could we possibly resist the Everest Gurkha Special - and I defy any of you good readers to either. It’s a mouth-watering clay oven delight - a right tasty selection of lamb, chicken, king prawn and salmon. We also chose the Manang Khasi which is a hot dish of char-grilled lamb cooked in an exotic fusion of homemade yoghurt, capsicum, onion and a variety of herbs. Wonderful! Open Tuesdays to Sundays. (FREE DELIVERY of take-aways within a 3 mile radius)
8-10 Broomfield Road, Chelmsford. TEL: 01245 493929 www.theedgemag.co.uk
EVEREST GURKHA BAR & RESTAURANT
(Very popular starter from West Nepal. Grilled diced chicken seasoned with Nepalese herbs, green chillies and mustard oil. Served cold)
MAIN COURSES STAFF CURRY (Chef’s own home style lamb curry - a typical Nepalese curry)
CHICKEN KORMA (Tender pieces of chicken cooked in a divine creamy sauce of nuts and coconut milk)
KHASI SAAG (Typical lamb curry partnered with spinach, flavoured with fenugreek leaves)
MIXED VEGETABLE CURRY (Assortment of fresh vegetables cooked in a Nepalese curry style)
RICE & ROTI PLAIN RICE (delicious steamed basmati rice) SADHA ROTI (plain naan) NEPALI ROTI (classic plain Nepali bread) SAGSABJI CHOW CHOW (fried soft noodles with mixed veg) Followed by ice-cream and tea or coffee.
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nicce nice
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Jacqueline O’Neill to The Edge’s Rescue! You know I mentioned I was seriously suffering from a shoulder injury in last months mags, readers? Well, I was both staggered and delighted to receive half-a-dozen offers of help, but first out of the starting blocks was an Irish lassie named Jacqueline O’Neill who very confidently explained, “I have healing hands.” But does Jacqueline genuinely have ‘the gift’? Well, my shoulder still ain’t right by a long chalk yet, but I’ll say one thing: it’s not for the want of trying that former Runners World (Victoria Road) Sports Injury Therapist Jacqueline hasn’t quite managed to fix it....yet. In fact, I’d definitely go so far as to say that she offers the best, most thorough massage, I have ever received in my life (and she is as strong as a man, make no mistake). By Christ, if anyone’s going to get to the bottom of my complaint, The Edge feels confident that Jacqueline will. On my first visit, she did a postural evaluation of your editor which she says allowed her to observe how my normal posture was and how it might or might not lead to any muscle dysfunction. As it turned out, she observed that one of my shoulders sat higher than the other, whilst also one shoulder blade (on the same side) was also higher. But what I wasn’t prepared for was the bombshell: “And you’ve got flat-feet,” which she delivered without any of the charm or niceties that Paddies are meant to be famous for! Jacqueline then asked me to do an active range of motion exercises with the intention of allowing her to see where my pain would be reproduced, which she says is very important as she “cannot treat undiagnosed pain”. This would also help her eliminate some muscles from her investigation that were thankfully working perfectly. Such exercises are designed to check the muscle joints as well as individual muscles responsible for certain actions, and which muscles need to be stretched in order to allow such actions to take place (sounds a bit complicated, but it wasn’t). Jacqueline then took me through a passive range of motion exercises whereby I laid on her table whilst she mobilised my joints and moved my Massage Therapist muscles in order to further reduce the Jacqueline O’Neill number of possible muscles responsible for the pain I was experiencing. Such tested my joints and the muscles responsible for stretching to allow such movement to take place. With this information, she was able to (thankfully) ascertain that my problem lay in my infraspinatus, supraspinatus, deltoid insertion, trapezius and pectoral muscles (wow!) with all of those muscles indicating (that I ought to be put down?) a severe tightness on the left side of my body, where my problem lay (and if she’d have said it was the right hand side of my body, then I’d have seriously had my doubts about her credentials!). Jacqueline then began a palpatory examination of those muscles by warming up my entire back and pectorals (which felt lovely, it has to be said). As the muscles warmed, they become far more pliable and allowed her to go to deeper levels of therapy and apply techniques to assist my body to release its tight knots and hypertonic muscles caused by trauma, poor posture, plus occupational and/or sport stresses. Jacqueline used deep tissue massage, which I have to confess sometimes made me yelp, nueromuscula treatment, soft tissue release, friction, muscle energy technique and recipricol inhibition to effectively stretch and begin my slow process of repair. She then repeated the process on my subsequent visits, not less than four days apart. I also have my rehab exercises to religiously adhere to at home, which Jacqueline says she intends to make progressively more difficult as my progress continues and the pain is eventually eliminated in order to prevent reinjury and allow me a normal return to my desired activities. Like I say, readers, I am but a work in progress at this fledgling stage, but with Jacqueline in my corner, I definitely feel as though I am in the best possible hands, and yes, The Edge would definitely recommend her.
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The Edge 077 646 797 44
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29th
-30th Sept & 1st Oct
Thursday 29th September - Saturday 1st October
CHECK OUT THE ATTITUDE! You’d think they’d be happy to know they’d be appearing in the cult magazine that is The Edge, wouldn’t you, eh, readers? But dear oh dear, check out the ‘attitude’ of the babe at the rear. (Christ, I’ve just noticed her fists are clenched too, so it’s probably a good job I was already lying on the deck when I took this snap at ‘V’ festival recently). Nice smile from babe no. 1 though. Appreciated, poppet. I dunno, I went to snap a couple of girls once over (presumably they were from Stevenage, or somewhere) and they both automatically preened in unison, “No paps! No paps!” No paparazzi? Just what were those two dozy airheads ‘on’? Complete and utter nobodies the pair of them were, yet they’d obviously been reading far too many OK magazines. Good photo this tho’ (above), yeah? I keep telling ‘The Length’ that if I had a camera that was every bit as good as his, as opposed to just my ickle Canon Ixus 65 (of which I’m on my third), then there’d be no stopping me! After all, it’s not the camera, is it? It‘s having the ability to ‘see’ the shot before you’ve even taken it. Oh yes, that’s right, readers: “Tha’can alus tell a Yorkshireman.....but tha can’t tell ’im much.”
STEINS of GERMAN PILSNERS AUTHENTIC BAVARIAN FOOD LIVE BAND & OOMPAH MUSIC www.baristachelmsford.com
A recognised name in Chelmsford High Street, Silhouette du Barry hairdressing celebrate an incredible 40 years in business in 2012. With Barry, his daughter Zoe and her husband Nathan at the helm, the hair salon is a contemporary, innovative and exceptionally welcoming environment. Training is at the forefront of priorities and their talented team are experts in bridal hair, all aspects of hair extensions, wig styling & fitting, as well as being colour specialists too. Nathan worked on Abbey Clancy's hair for her wedding to Peter Crouch earlier in the summer and shown here (bottom right) is a photograph from their latest Bridal collection. Zoe and the team run unique classes and workshops for both new and existing clients on how to style hair at home and getting the right hair and make up colours to suit you. Call the salon or check out the website for details on up and coming events. A new service this year are make-over photo shoots where clients can have their hair and make-up carried out by the team followed by a professional photo shoot in the salon's very own studio! Nathan has recently been nominated for ‘Eastern Hairdresser of the Year’, an incredible accolade for both him and the salon. Our beautiful front cover is from his nominated collection (good luck for the final in November, Nathan!). Two other members of the salon team have also been involved in national hair competitions with L'Oreal and Matrix hair care; what a talented bunch indeed! With a busy schedule coming up in September, working at New York, Milan, London and Paris ‘Fashion Weeks’, Nathan still insists that his clients and salon work are his priority. He is a true artist in his profession and both he and Zoe are truly dedicated to both their clients and their team. Silhouette du Barry simply goes from strength to strength - so here's to the next 40 years! You can find further details, in addition to price lists and all the latest Silhouette du Barry news, on the website www.sdbhair.co.uk Also find us on Facebook at Silhouette du Barry, or simply call to make an appointment on 01245 257137
www.theedgemag.co.uk
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CHELMSFORD RUGBY FOOTBALL CLUB’S
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Where else could you possibly be and get away with wearing a shirt like this one? Your editor managed to attend on the Saturday, but no way could I manage the Sunday as well....I was knackered. In fact, I went to bed at 7:30pm on the Sunday evening and slept for 12 hours solid. Bugger, I am proper feeling my age these days. But hey, that didn’t stop me absolutely loving Plan B. Downside: A whole load of nobodies in the crowd with attitude like they’re all somebodies. A crying shame if ever their was one. (More on page 22)
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K BOO OR F & W O N STMAS I S CHR ISTMA CHR Y!
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YOUR letters
&
emails
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‘no brainer’ and at least I would still have three dogs for my money. However, when we got back from our trip to sunny Malta (nice there, you should try it sometime) and my partner went to collect our dogs and settle the bill (£300), to our absolute horror we were told that one of our dogs had eaten the bloody seatbelts of their car. OK, so I wouldn’t have minded if they’d had a Focus or a Picasso, but they owned an expensive Mercedes Estate. But it gets even worse....it was a seven seater and the rear belts for seats 6 & 7 (which one of our dogs ate) are quite rare and expensive. Put it this way, to supply and fit from Mercedes would cost more than our weeks’ accommodation in Malta. Yeah, unbelievable! So please may I ask any of your readers whether they have any spare 6th and 7th seat Mercedes seatbelts in light grey lying around that they would like to sell me, or if any of them wold like to buy three pesky dogs? Regards, David Scarborough. P.S. Eventually identified ‘the cul-
Eg. You often write....and in the latest edition....'I was SAT here'. WRONG! It’s I was SITTING here, or I SAT here, there, but not I was SAT, STOOD, there. Let's have the GRAMMAR correct... No.’I was sat here’ sounds absolutely fine to me. And The Goose is bloody well entitled to have the LAST WORD. E.E.
Isle of Wight Hi Shaun, Love your mag. We’re always eager to get our hands on a copy. My husband and me recently had a holiday in Malta with my cousin, who lives abroad, so we took a copy of The Edge with us to show him and he was very impressed indeed. Well, obviously he wanted his photograph taken with the mag, didn’t he (as you do) and we promised him that if you printed it (creep creep) we'd send him a copy. So hey ho, here he is, dangling over the Dingli Cliffs.
100%
to theedge!
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CHELMSFORD, CM2 6XD. shaun@theedgemag.co.uk Pesky Dogs You won’t believe this, Shaun. We recently got back from our holiday having racked up a considerable charge on the card, particularly the cost of children’s drinks around the pool (5 Euro’s for a Coke is bloody ridiculous, especially as it was 35 degrees and one simply wasn’t enough)! Anyway, I have not written particularly to moan about the cost of a holiday, as we all do it and (always exceed our) budget for it accordingly. What I have written for is to tell you an expensive story that will hopefully make you chuckle. Like you, I am bit of a tightwad, so listen to this. I ’phoned the kennels pre our vacation to book our three dogs in for the duration of our ten day trip and received the quote, only I then had to remind them that it was me that was going on holiday and not the dogs! I thought a small kennel would be fine for them and figured they did not require full board or a swimming pool, but it was 600 bloody quid! Then I had to get them vaccinated and, well, that was even more ridiculous. Just before I was about to have them put down, I was reminded of a local dog sitter who agreed to take the three dogs into her house for the ten nights at what I accepted was a far more reasonable price. Actually, it wasn’t much more than the vaccination costs to put them to sleep, so I thought it was a Page 18
prit’ after it had taken a dump, so got it made into a handbag for the missus instead! And they say that a dog is man’s best friend? E.E.
Undo My Flies Sir, Holy Shit, as Robin would say. On one page of the August Edge you say there is no interest for readers as regards the subject of religion, yet on another, you let that Grumpy Goose prattle on about Catholics. I suppose this means that Catholicism, by you, is not a religion. Whatever Catholicism is guilty of, it does not stone women to death on streets for a bit of nookie on the side, nor does it mutilate boys/girls genitals, nor fly ’planes into buildings, nor make women subservient to men by force, to name but a few. We all have urges, whether they're denied or not, and when these urges are in overdrive, sometimes all hell breaks loose. I am a Catholic and when I was 14, some priest tried to undo my flies, only I told him where to go and that was that. But I didn't dedicate the rest of my life to moaning about it. Come Christmas, I hope that Goose ends up on the table. Ev Lucas P.S. Just a final comment and it saddens me to say that your grammar is going down the 'shit hole'.
Also, in a recent issue, you were asking readers for any suggestions on places to go on the Isle of Wight, which you’d just visited. We've been going there for the past 30 years. Our children had holidays there every year and are now taking their children. It’s such a great place, so we thought we'd offer you a few of our favourite places to visit.
men and they serve up a mean crab pastie (yummy). Another place of interest is Bonchurch. If you leave Shanklin and head towards Ventnor, just after the Smugglers Haven cafe, turn left into Bonchurch Shute. This road will take you past The Bonchurch Inn (google it - you'll love it). Follow the road further into the small village and opposite the pond take the road that leads down to Bonchurch Pottery. You can then cycle along the newish emergency services road which runs along the seafront and takes you straight into Ventnor and along to the Spy Glass for a well deserved pint (only don't tell everyone!). To be fair, the whole Island is well worth seeing, so there's always a reason to return again and again and again. I hope this info is of some interest to you and long live The Edge! All the best, Sandra & Clive Simpson. That’s a proper lovely letter, is that, Sandra (I’m sure it was you that wrote it and not Clive) and I’m gutted that we didn’t get to the Spy Glass as I never did any research before our trip, but everyone I’ve spoken to about the Isle of Wight since our return always seems to mention it, so it really must be good! E.E.
Steroids Dear Sir, Firstly may say how refreshing I find your mag. I love it. Next is your shoulder. I had a pain in my shoulder for over 3 months. It woke me up when I turned over in bed. I could not hold the steering wheel of my car for long periods. Then the final doctor I visited put me on some steroid tablets called Prednisolone (5mg) . I had to take 4 tablets each morning, but after less than a week, the pain was 95% gone. Kind regards and brest wishes, Lee Field. Thanks for that, Lee. Only you do close your letter with ‘brest’ wishes and that’s always been my greatest fear when anyone mentions taking steroids, in that I’ve heard they make men grow breasts. The Edge can only assume that you are confirming the fact. E.E.
Scooterists Ventnor is our all time favourite, mainly because it’s changed so very little over the years (as you can see from the photograph above, taken in 1959), whilst the Spy Glass is a truly great pub. Steephill Cove is also a must visit; its a small cove with a few houses and a couple of cafes and a posh restaurant that serves freshly caught seafood. One of the cafes is owned by one of the local fisher-
Hi Shaun, Got back from holiday and picked up the August Edge, only to find a picture of my husband in it! He is third from the left in the photo of the scooterists who went to Camber Sands. Just a spot of trivia to break the tedium of my working day! Tami Frankel Small world as Tami is advertising her retro gear on page 4 of this actual mag, readers! E.E. The Edge 077 646 797 44
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theEDGE DVD REVIEW
The website Rotten Tomatoes says of this movie: “Russell Crowe and Elizabeth Banks give it their all (and they do, readers, they do), but their solid performances aren’t quite enough to compensate for the uneven pace and implausible plot of ‘The Next Three Days’. But what The Edge says is give it a go and see what you think, as I honestly reckon it’s the best movie I’ve seen since Gerard Butler in ‘Law Abiding Citizen’ (not to be missed) and that really is saying something. Part of the reason why this section of the mag has been missing for the past few months is because I tend not to watch many movies during Spring/Summer, although another reason is undoubtedly because I’d gotten fed up of reviewing movies which I felt were well below par, or so-so at best. For instance, ‘The King’s Speech’. Yeah, it’s good. But is it really that good? I honestly don’t think it deserved the hype. Likewise ‘Black Swan’. But ‘The Next Three Days’ is a proper movie, you know? It’s the sort of film that, if you were going to make one, then hell, why not make a movie like that! Big bad Russell’s wife (and we all love Russell Crowe, don’t we?) is convicted of a murder she swears she didn’t commit, so her college professor husband (Crowe/John Brennan) plots to break her out of the clink. OK, OK, The Edge supposes that when you put it like that, it really doesn’t ring true, does it? But watch it and see, readers, because I was hooked. Multiple appeals are filed to get Lara Brennan (Elizabeth Banks) out of prison, whilst her husband struggles to raise their children and maintain his career. But when her final appeal is rejected and she admits to preferring suicide than spending the rest of her days behind bars, Crowe is spurred into action in order to overcome the injustice system that has so failed her, so seeks the advice of an ex-con (Liam Neeson) in order to draw up an airtight plan, knowing that one wrong move will undoubtedly be their last. Yeah, it is a bit ridiculous to assume that a college professor could really turn his hand to busting his wife out of jail. Then again, if you simply sit back, relax, pour yourself a nice deep red glass of wine and open a big packet of Revels, hell, surely anything’s possible. All DVD’s fired from Blockbuster, Springfield Road, Chelmsford.
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ONLY JOKING! Roadie
Someone once asked me how long I’d been a roadie. I said, “One two. One two. Almost three years now.”
Flies After seeing an advert on TV last night featuring an African baby covered in flies, I ’phoned the number on screen straight away and ordered one. Looks like they work a whole lot better than those sticky strips you hang from the ceiling.
Sexist When I was in the pub I heard a couple of dickheads saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexist twats. I mean, it's not as tho’ they'd have to reverse the damn thing.
Alphabet After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her. So he looked at his wife and slowly said, "Angel, you are A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K. " She said, "Eh? What does that mean?" He said, "Adorable. Beautiful. Cute. Delightful. Elegant. Foxy. Gorgeous. Hot." She smiled happily and said, "Oh, that's just so lovely of you to say such wonderful things. But what about I, J and K?" He said, "I'm Just Kidding." (His eyes are apparently still swollen shut, but they should begin to open a fraction any day now.)
Christmas Gift One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift, only the next year, I didn't buy her anything at all.
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When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you haven't used the gift I bought you last year."
Handsome A teacher asks her students to use the word ‘handsome’ in a sentence. So a girl named Latisha puts her hand up and says,"Sometimes, when I be suckin' Jamal's soul pole, me jaw gets sore and I hafta use my handsome."
Muslims Everyone seems to be wondering why muslims are so quick to commit suicide. Well, consider this. No Christmas. No telly. No nude women. No football. No beer. No bacon. Rags for clothes. Towels for hats. The constant wailing from some twat up in a tower. More than one wife, which means more than one mother-in-law. And they say that when you die, it gets better. Well, it’s not like it could get much fecking worse, is it?
Wildlife Fable So, there's this yellow toad wandering around in the forest, kinda ticked off because he doesn't want to be yellow. Life would be so much easier if he were green like all the other toads. He'd certainly be less visible to predators for one thing. Anyway, this yellow toad bumps into a Fairy Godmother and begs her, "Fairy Godmother! Fairy Godmother! Please make me green like all the other toads. I am sooooo tired of being visible to predators and suchlike." So the Fairy Godmother whips out her magic wand and says, "Toadra-capokus! You're green!" And the toad looks down at himself and sees that he is green all over. Except for his package, which is still yellow. So he says to the Fairy Godmother: "Wait a minute. My pecker's still yellow?" The Fairy Godmother replies: "Well, I don't do Johnson’s. You will have to go see The Wizard of Oz for that." So the toad thanks her and hops off on his way. Very soon, he sees a purple bear wandering around in the woods who also encounters the very same Fairy Godmother. “Fairy Godmother! Fairy Godmother!” he says, “please make me brown like all the other bears because none of the lady bears want to be seen with me on account of the fact that the hunters can always spot me a mile off." So the Fairy Godmother takes out her magic wand and says:"Bearus-cadabra! You're brown!" Well, the bear looks down at himself and does indeed see that he is, in fact, brown, with the exception of his old twig and berrie, which remain bright purple. So he says: "But me wang is still purple, ma’am?" The Fairy Godmother says: "Well, I don't do units. You will have to go see The Wizard of Oz for that." To which the bear replies: "Well that's all fine and dandy, but where do I find The Wizard of Oz?" The Fairy Godmother answers: "Easy. Just follow the yellow dicked toad." (Boo, hiss, etc.)
Neighbour I always wondered what my neighbour did for a living, so yesterday I spied on him. First off, he wanked off the milkman. Then the binman. Then the postman. And then, in the afternoon, he whipped religious sister Anna as he made her mow the lawn and cut the hedge. I simply concluded he was a Jack-off all trades and a master of nun. (More boo, hiss, etc.)
It’s a Miracle An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar and are staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner. He's so familiar, but not immediately recognising him is driving them all mad. So they stare and stare until suddenly, the Irishman twigs and says: “My God. It's Jesus!” And, sure enough, so it is Jesus too, nursing a pint. Thrilled to bits, the guys send him over a fresh pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter for good measure. Jesus smiles, accepts the drinks, then drinks them slowly, one after the other. After he has finished, he wipes his mouth on the back of his hand and approaches the trio. He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement. “My God!” he says for a second time. “The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!” Jesus then shakes the Australians hand, thanks him for the lager, and when he lets go, the fellow’ eyes widen in shock. “'Strewth, mate,” he says. “The bad back I've had all my life has completely healed! I don’t believe it! It's A Miracle!” Jesus then approaches the Scouser, who quickly says, “Hey, back off, mate. I'm on disability benefit.”
Change The wife was counting out all the 1p's and 2p's on our kitchen table from a big jar when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and screaming and crying for no apparent reason. I thought to myself, ‘She's going through the change, she is.’
First Blow Job A cowboy walks into a saloon and orders twelve shots of whisky. So the bartender lines ’em up and, ever so quickly, the cowboy downs the lot. “Well,” says the barman, “what the heck are you celebratin’?” “M’very first blow job,” says the cowboy. “In that case,” says the barman, “let me buy you another.” “No thanks,” says the cowboy, burpin’ onto the back of his glove. “If twelve won`t kill the taste, don’t expect another will.”
Down the Gym I was down at the gym today when I noticed a hole in my trainer just big enough to get my finger in. So I did. Only the bitch made a formal complaint and now I`m barred for life.
Pakistan Little Stan is sitting in his geography class when the teacher asks him, “Where is Pakistan?” He answers, “Last time I saw him he was smoking a tab behind the bike sheds, Miss.”
Apparently I’m in trouble with the wife. We were lying in bed when she asked me what I would like to do most with her body. Apparently, “identify it” wasn’t the answer she was looking for.
Depression Suffering from depression, me and the wife decided to commit joint suicide. She went first and miraculously, things immediately didn’t seem quite do bad anymore. So I thought ‘sod it’ and decided to gamely soldier on.
All jokes published are supplied by Edge readers. Please send your ‘egg yokes’ to shaun@theedgemag.co.uk
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NEW UNDERCRACKERS!
What a cracking 50th burpday present from J-peg & Chicken Legs! Yep, these are just the sort of protection a middle-aged slack-arse like my good self needs now that his vulcan bomber doors aren’t quite as efficient and tight as they once were. In fact, these appear to be the exact equivalent of a pair of RBL’s (right big pants) that all ERL’s (Edge reading ladies) tend to wear at a particular time of the month. You know, girls...your BJP’s (Bridget Jones pants)! And with today’s style all being about having a good few inches of your undercrackers sticking out above the waistband of your jeans, The Edge thinks it’s a right classy touch when it reads: BEWARE OF BLAST CHAMBER just above the crack of your arse.
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All photographs copyright of mattsadler.co.uk......apart from the one of me and that lad! (Oh yeah, and I took the one of the right chunky security bloke as well!)
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Sorry readers, but I promised this lad that I’d put this photo in the mag!
www.theedgemag.co.uk
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prison.” Brilliant. Have kids and commit crime with impunity.
‘Phone Hacking
The Grumpy Goose! Riot Why did they do it, we ask? Where have we gone wrong? Have they no respect for the law? We, the decent people, all obey the law, don’t we? Take the police; we look to them to behave fairly and honestly. The police set us an example by allegedly accepting payments from ‘The News of the World’ to assist in, and to cover up, ‘phone hacking. MPs steal from the hard working tax payer and think nothing of it, our own Lord Hanningfield being particularly good at it. The chancellor, George Osborne, takes our taxes and gives them to his friends in the city. Oh dear.... Monkey see, Monkey do.
Justice? I saw a man from a northern council estate interviewed on TV about his friend who was jailed for rioting: “She’s got kids. It ain’t right. You can’t send someone with kids to
shaun@theedgemag.co.uk
It’s shocking. It’s a disgrace. Why do journalists engage in these shameful intrusions into people’s private lives? Who reads this stuff, we ask? WE DO, that’s who. What hypocrites we are. If we were really offended by this, we wouldn’t buy these newspapers, would we? But we do, because we want to read every personal, private and intimate detail about Milly Dowler, don’t we? Bring back the News of the World. How on earth can we intrude into other people’s lives without you.
3G - The Big Con Do any of you have an iPhone? An iPad? A smart ‘phone of any kind? Which worked perfectly well in the shop, because the shop has a 3G signal booster. But it’s a whole different story when you attempt to use it in the High Street. Who remembers the mobile ‘phones of the period 1997-2005? You know, Nokia ‘phones on a network that actually worked as good as a BT land line. For those non-believers, get hold of an old Nokia 6310 and try it. I have. I’ve put my iPhone where it belongs, in the bin; after stamping on it (true). 3G is rubbish. It doesn’t work. We are being conned. Coming soon: 4G, an even bigger con.
The X Factor We all know about the ‘X’ factor, don’t we? No, not the TV show. I mean that indefinable something that sets some singers apart from the
rest. They add something special to a song; something you can’t quite put your finger on. However, some singers seem to have something other than the ‘X’ factor, as demonstrated when they perform covers of other people’s songs. The melody is the same, the backing is the same, the song sounds basically the same; however, something is missing. Not only is the ‘X’ factor missing, but somehow they manage to suck the very life out of it and turn it from something beautiful/emotional/soulful etc. into something so dreadful and bland. ‘Iris’ by the Goo Goo Dolls, ruined by Ronan Keating ‘It’s All Coming Back to Me’ by Pandora’s Box, literally destroyed by Celine Dion. ‘Perfect Day’ by Lou Reed, covered by Susan Boyle. Oh yes, she’ll cover it alright, the big fat boiler. What a pub singer. What a dreadful racket. A perfect demonstration of how to suck the very life out of a song.
Films There are many pointless and bad remakes of classic films. However, I cannot let the remake of one of my top 10 favourite films pass without comment. ‘True Grit’, starring John Wayne; a true classic. The title of the remake, starring Jeff Bridges, is almost an accurate description; although ‘True Shit’ is a better one.
Travellers The travellers at Dale Farm have exceeded their planning boundary, so Essex County Council will spend
several million pounds evicting them. Where will they go? We are told they will illegally settle on any unguarded land, including children’s playgrounds. So, we will spend millions evicting them, then spend more millions chasing them around the county. So, what’s the answer? Well, if travellers paid income tax, national insurance and VAT, not to mention taxing, MOTing and insuring their vehicles, we might be a little bit more accommodating to them. P.S. A friend of mine worked for a company who were contracted, by Hertfordshire County Council, to install a toilet block at an official traveller’s site. They fitted 6 toilets (in cubicles), 6 hand basins and 6 baths. When they arrived the following morning to continue the installation, the toilets, basins and copper pipe were all gone. The council instructed them to replace the missing toilets, basins and copper pipe; which they did the following week. The same thing happened; the very morning after installation, the toilets, basins and copper pipe were all gone. However, the 6 baths remained; they were being used to clean car engines. (Yet another true story.)
Medical Negligence I’ve just seen a TV ad for a company specialising in medical negligence claims and it’s about bloody time. If you are not enjoying perfect health, it’s a doctor’s fault. So sue them. Sue them all. Broken society? What broken society?
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Wicked Waxing If, like me, you’re a frustratingly, infuriatingly and unimpressively underendowed sort of a bloke, when you then receive an invitation from a lovely lassie the likes of Michelle (above) for one of those ‘back, sack’n’crack’ type procedures, only she adds that she’ll happily give you one for FREE, one does tend to put ones knuckles in ones mouth and make a strange, muffled wailing sound, as one concertinas to the floor in a blubbering heap of self-pity. Remember when Rhys Ifans put his hands together in silent prayer after he’d discovered Julia Roberts lying naked in his landlord’s bathtub in ‘Notting Hill’? Well, that was kind of me, UNTIL I remembered the size of my old chap, and therefore, regrettably, had to decline Michelle’s ever so kind offer. Not that my erogenous zones needed a tidy-up, mind, as all 21st century men surely keep ‘their boys and their barracks’ both spick, span and but 5mm in length at most. However, a bloke cannot help but be intrigued by any lady who spends her days defluffing all and sundry, so naturally I was happy enough to pop along and meet Michelle for a brew. She is tall, blonde, attractive, confident and articulate. So my first question was, “Do you enjoy looking at people’s bits, or, like (supposedly) doctors and nurses, is it just a job and you really don’t see them (the bits) in that sort of a way?” Now readers, I am not going to bore you with Michelle’s response, suffice to say that it is apparently both the medical profession and the waxing profession’s stock in trade ‘off pat’ reply that, “We’re there to do a job and we really don’t notice blah, blah, blah...etc.” OK, so I tried again. “Who do you prefer defluffing....men or women?” To which Michelle was refreshingly candid. “Three-quarters of my trade are women, but both men and women are great to wax for entirely different reasons. Men obviously
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have some extra appendages, which can sometimes create more of a waxing challenge. But I do have many existing clients who often comment about my thoroughness and that is something I pride myself on.” Michelle uses hot wax for intimate waxing which is specifically designed for tough hairs and sensitive skin found on a person’s ‘private parts’. The wax is applied by a spatula and peeled off quickly without any sticky residue remaining on the genitalia. E.E. “So, Michelle, does naughty hair have to be a minimum length before your, ahem, services can be administered?” W.W. “Absolutely. One centimetre in length minimum.” E.E. “And is it standard practice to offer a discount to ginger people?” W.W. “I beg your pardon?” E.E. “Have you ever considered branching out into, erm, anal bleaching?” W.W. “No. Why, have you?” I did ask her if there would be any chance of The Edge interviewing her whilst she was orchestrating one of her wax-off’s, preferably on a female client, but strangely none of her punters were apparently too keen on the idea, if Michelle really did bother to ask any of them. “Sometimes I do couples, one straight after each other,” she volunteered, “before they go out for the evening.” How very novel! Or is it, readers? Fact is, these days, it’s only etiquette to keep your plumage in shape, same as we all try to keep our bodies in shape by regular visits to the gym (boring). So it’s not really a question of do you go to Wicked Waxing, so much as why don’t you go to Wicked Waxing... situated above Hair Company in Moulsham Street, right next door to my mate Mahendra’s newsagents!
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ROUGH GUIDE TV GOLD - PEYTON PLACE
‘GOLD! Always believe in your soul, you’ve got the power to know, you’re indestructible....’
as a springboard for such performers as Mia Farrow, Ryan O’Neal and Lana Wood, whilst Leslie
Lana Turner in Peyton Place, descending a right tricky set of stairs....OOOOPS!
DOORS - DOORS - DOORS ‘Cheerful Bob’ & Bros. inc. ‘Serious Chris’ & ‘Forgetful Dave’ - ‘all Alive & Fitting!” Family Business Est. 1979
And this month it’s Peyton Place, readers, which your editor has to confess to never really having seen, although it remains quite possibly the oldest recollection of any television programme I have ever had (as in: on in the background). Based upon a 1956 novel of the same name, Peyton Place became primetime American GOLD ....always believe in your SOUL....on the ABC channel from 1964-1969. In fact, PP might well have been the world’s first ever soap opera (unless any of you readers know any different....how long has Coronation Street been running, for instance?) with storylines based on, well, pure and utter shite, I’d expect. In all, a total of 514 episodes were broadcast, whilst at its peak, ABC would run three new shitstained episodes per week that their audiences no doubt positively lapped up as though it were creme caramel (and not bottom poo). What’s interesting though is that the series acted
Nielsen is reckoned to have popped up in PP once or twice, pre his Police Squad days (“nice beaver”). Each episode opened with a creepy looking church steeple, overlaid with the words ‘Peyton Place’ (as opposed to ‘It’s Saturday afternoon, so it must be Grandstand’) to give all those who bothered to tune in, consisting of about ten brain cells between them, a CLUE as to what they were about to watch, the dozy twats. And if that didn’t work, announcer Dick ‘Bell End’ Tufeld used to say, “This is the continuing story of Peyton Place”. What it was is that ABC were hoping to bring the success of the English soap opera Coronation Street to America....so The Edge has just answered the very question it posed earlier. N.B. Some of the sensational plot lines of the 1956 book and the 1957 movie, such as incest, were replaced by less controversial themes, so really, the writing was pretty much on the wall right from the off. And when Mia Farrow left, well.....
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shaun@theedgemag.co.uk
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Interview with the Bastard A friend of mine has recently been attending what I would consider to be a gruelling gauntlet of job interviews. She’s one of ‘those’ people though; the type that know exactly what they want and do what they need to get it. Looking at it like that, it’s surprising we’re friends at all really, as I’m still sitting here at 36 without a bloody clue what I want to do when I grow up, and with the job market currently in the shitter, the likelihood of me ever getting hired as a professional vampire hunter is looking slimmer and slimmer by the day.
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ME & MY adamantium skeleton
A pissed flying monkey in a Fez? I’ll take two.
I never have a problem with science, but you’re all well aware of my congenital misanthropy by now, so it will come as no surprise that the only problem I have is with people being their venal, rapacious selves.
The Kingmeister reports There are already a number of companies offering the service of genetic profiling and this is something any of us can sign up for to have done (for what, I’m sure, is an exorbitant fee). The first one I came across was a US based company called ‘Navigenics’ whose website shows the typical overtly cuddly internet persona on all of its pages. You know, where everyone is sitting about smiling in the sunshine in white vest tops, with not a portly lab technician or test tube of saliva in sight.
I just like the uniform to be honest
The amount of work she’s undertaken in preparation for hurtling up the career ladder (kicking pregnant women and the disabled off the rungs all the way, no doubt) is simply staggering, and I was almost awe-struck when I saw all of her notes and graphs and pie charts etc., although I had to tell her that her notebook was so crowded with stuff that interviewers would think she was Kevin Spacey in ‘Se7en’. I’ve always hated interviews and I don’t think that will ever change, although I once had an interview that lasted less than 2 minutes and consisted of the director asking me why I thought I should get the job, to which I replied, “Because you asked me last week in the pub if I wanted it,” and that was that. If they were all that easy, then I wouldn’t mind so much, although employers seem hell bent on making the bloody things as annoying as humanly possible. Up until now, I thought the worst part of interviews (apart from the smug, grinning corporate twonks you have to babble execu-speak to for an hour or so without stapling their mouths shut in a fit of rage) were those ridiculous aptitude and personality tests that some companies make you do, but as usual, I’ve mistakenly given humanity the benefit of the doubt again as things could shortly get much worse than that. Soon we may even see the standard personality and aptitude tests simply not cutting the mustard for tomorrow’s busy corporate bigwigs. After all, they’ve got far better things to do with their time than look through a dozen tests to try and see who’s least likely to start masturbating furiously into the filing cabinets just as soon as their trial period has concluded. All those economies won’t crash themselves, you know. These people have got shit to do! Now some firms are even starting to talk about using genetic profiling to
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“I’m sorry, the position of ‘most punchable face’ has already been filled.”
weed out any undesirables before they’ve even had a chance to lie on their application forms. “Oh, you’ve got a slight genetic disposition towards cancer? Next! What’s that? Syphilis has eaten a hole in your face? Get out!!
“I told you to wear a tie, you idiot!”
OK, maybe even I could understand that last one. But the thought of actually using a genetic profile, which let’s remember only shows a chance of what might happen to you in the future, to decide your career prospects I find horrifying. It’s the sort of Orwellian thing you see in a dystopian Sci-Fi movie, not something that sane people should actually be contemplating. That said, let’s not forget that experts in psychology have already determined that the best place to study psychopaths, outside of asylums for the criminally insane, is in the upper echelons of big business, as many a CEO shares the same traits as a functioning psychopath, so maybe it’s not so hard to imagine after all.
“Goddamn we love getting our genes profiled!”
I also enjoyed the ‘success story’ proudly displayed on the front page. Apparently, Patrick the Internet Executive wouldn’t be getting early care for macular degeneration without the empowering results Navigenics got him. So well done, Patrick. I’m so glad you’ve been empowered, but what the shitting hell is macular degeneration? That also sounds like something from a movie, but one of the ones where 99% of humanity has been turned into flesh eating monsters. Maybe I’ll get that vampire hunting job after all? All joking aside, I can actually see some benefits to this process and I’m sure many people (even those who aren’t macularly degenerating) have dodged a bullet by catching something early that could have been much worse had it been allowed to develop, so please don’t misunderstand me, I’m not ragging on about the science behind this at all. If anything, I’m of the opinion that we need more people experimenting with genetics, just not all of this boring medical stuff, or cloning sheep, or whatever. If only you white-coated numptys would get your fingers out, I could have super-powers by now. Or, failing that, flying monkeys.
Humanity seems to have this Bond villain streak in it most of the time and whenever a good idea comes up, it’s never long before someone starts thinking: “How can I make money out of this and make people miserable at the same time?” Still, it could be worse. We could always take a leaf out of the Japanese book and start profiling people based on their blood group. Nope, I’m not joking. The Japanese have been doing this for some time now, and your chances of employment, or even dating, can be directly affected by your blood group. They’ve attributed certain characteristics to each blood group which are supposed to define your character in a similar way to that other snake-oil load of claptrap astrology does. Oh, and just in case anyone is thinking of defending astrology, look up when it first came about thousands of years ago and all this bollocks was made up about the position of the stars affecting your life, and then go and read a real book and learn about stellar drift, the lack of absolute reference frames in special relativity and radial velocity. Then come back here and apologise to me for being so fucking stupid. Ahem. Sorry for getting sidetracked there, but you know I can’t resist putting the boot into halfwits whenever the chance arises. Meanwhile, back in Japan, if you’re a ‘type O’ then you’re golden, as this is considered the best blood type to have. If you’re ‘AB’ though, then you’re shit out of luck and employers have even been known to segregate those of their workers with the ‘AB’ blood type from the rest of the office, something I reckon would even horrify most of the corporate power dressing types over here. Fact is, I doubt very much whether we’ll see the advent of genetic or blood type profiling entering our lives anytime soon, if at all, although I’ll never say never. However, I would suggest that anyone confronted by this repellent nonsense responds with a cry of “Profile this!” before following it up with a swift kick to the unmentionables. After all, there’s always the chance that vampire hunting job really might come up one day.
Kingpin www.theedgemag.co.uk
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A better way to divorce?
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If you are facing a breakdown of your relationship, the things that you may dread the most are how you can sort out the finances; the house; the children. The thought of arguing and going to court is both frightening and expensive. There is, however, another way. Collaborative Family Law is a process where you and your spouse have your own solicitor, but instead of being adversarial, you work together to find the right solutions to your problems. You agree that you will not resort to court proceedings and by having a series of meetings you can reach agreement on all of the things that matter to you. These can be things that the court can not help you with because of the way the traditional court system operates.
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“After all, folks, The Edge always said that Facecock was the absolute bee’s knees!”
The Edge 01245 348256
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by Steve Ward BIG, BORING & BROWN All us 50 not outers won’t be able to remember the second world war. But we were brought up at a time when our parents had lived through it. The TV, if we were lucky enough to own such a thing, had a regular diet of films about the conflict and there was an endless fascination with everything to do with WW2. We are a fortunate generation for the very fact that we have never had to get involved in a war at all. At least, not a proper one. There is the ‘war on terror’, of course trying to avoid Abdul and his Exploding Underpants on planes, trains and automobiles, but you’d have to be extremely unlucky to get involved in one of those incidents. However, we will be able to recall from our childhood the war films that often depicted a single incident or battle. The Dam Busters, for example. Many of these incidents were the result of a cunning plan and they were always given a code name. Operation Chastise was the Dam Busters. Or Operation Mincemeat, which deceived the Germans into thinking an invasion was due in Greece, when it actually happened in Sicily. These operations inevitably involved a spectacular and immensely brave bit of derring-do by our indubitably fine chappies. They’d stick it up the Hun in some way or other, then return to base for a nice cup of char and some biscuits. Anyway, did you notice the common theme there? It’s the word ‘Operation’. Somewhere along the way though, that word fell out of favour and it was replaced by ‘Project’. Everyone and everything is involved in a project of some sort. Oasis don’t make a new album any more, they do a project. At least they would if they were still together, but you get the point. Same idea, of course, just a different terminology. Even sportsmen set out on projects. The English cricket team are engaged in a project to be ranked number one in the world. Well, maybe they are, but sport really comes down to beating the crap out of the opposition (especially if they happen to be Australian, or Scottish, or French, or… OK, we’ll stop now) and there’s no need for management speak to justify it. Just recently another project came to light, and it provided an opportunity for much fun to be poked at one of this column’s favourite bad guys. Yup, we’re back with that useless feckwit Gordy Broon again.
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You might have thought he’d disappeared from public life, and to a large degree that’s true, thankfully. But his name came up again recently when it was revealed that before he became Prime Minister and was given even more opportunity to screw things up, the Labour Party launched Project Volvo. This was a PR exercise to persuade us all that he wasn’t as dependable, robust and dour as, well, a Volvo, but actually a big, smiling bag of fun. Born to failure, of course, but hey-ho, they had to try. Predictably, and understandably, the Swedish car makers got a serious amount of hump about this when it came out. Firstly, they don’t see themselves as dependable, robust and dour any more, and secondly, they certainly didn’t want to be associated with an incompetent loser. We’ll leave that alone now, but it does lead you to think about how such a game might be played by associating other cars with specific individuals. Project Skoda? A make that used to be considered the worst thing you could buy, yet has recently recovered to the point whereby they have a pretty decent reputation. So, Rod Stewart then. Or maybe David Beckham. Both fit the bill in terms of an image that has turned from really naff to guilty pleasure in the last decade. Jaguar. They exude a kind of faded English classiness. They’re all old fashioned wood, leather, and smooth but speedy progress. Elegant and gentile, right? Yet who do you most associate with Jaguars? John Prescott. The archetypal dump truck driver if ever there was one. No, Fatty Prescott is not the person we should associate with Jags. It should be a true old gent. Leslie Phillips, maybe? Can you remember the Triumph Stag? A magnificent looking car, but true to all mass produced British motors of that era, completely and utterly useless. The old joke used to go that as well as the Stag you had to buy an AA van to follow you about. So, looks good, but has no practical purpose? So many vacuous slebs of both sexes come to mind, but let’s settle on Paris Hilton, shall we? Land Rover. Now there’s an image to play with. Solid. Countryside. British to the core. Goes on for ever. It could be Her Mam’ness the Queen, huh? But even die hard republicans ought to be gracious enough to avoid such an unflattering image for a woman, so maybe we should instead go for Bear Grylls? Now, whilst we’re on the royals, and we’ve already managed to get two of our favourite pantomime villains in this half page (Brown and Prescott, if you haven’t been paying attention), it seems a shame to miss out on the third. So, what sort of a car can we associate with Chuck the Looney? Let’s get some characteristics. First, completely oblivious to any modern ideas. Second, mad as a box of bats. Third, looks like something straight out of the 1940s. Finally, next to useless in any sort of practical sense. That’ll be Project Morgan then.
steveward2000@hotmail.com
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County Motors Community Summer County Motor Works in Springfield are one of Chelmsfords oldest businesses having traded since 1907 and have spent this summer amongst the local community. In April the County Motor Works Golf Challenge begun at Stockbrook Manor and has run throughout the summer taking in seven local courses including Benton Hall, Five Lakes, Channels and The Warren in Danbury where the final will take place in September.
CMW are working very closely with this well established local league and are looking forward to a long and fruitful relationship.
contact with our customers and supporting community events is a great way of meeting people and understanding their motoring needs.”
Mike Gamble, who took over as Managing Director of County Motor Works in January says “As a long established local business it is important that we keep in
In July the company sponsored the Essex Food & Drink Festival and showed off the Alfa Romeo range to Jean Christophe Novelli and a crowd of 5000 people. And in August County Motor Works Vauxhall dealership launched the sponsorship of the MidEssex Football league.
CMW’s cars on parade at another succes sful golf day
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A few days ago, I received a call from my mobile ’phone company asking me if I would like to upgrade to anytime minutes? ANYTIME MINUTES? Well, this prompted me to leap on to my soap box and ask, “How about some anytime reception once in a while?” I seem to spend large parts of my day staring at a ’phone screen with a weak signal symbol, hoping against hope that it may just crank itself up to two bars and I may actually be able to make a call on the damn thing every once in a while, but it continually says that it’s searching for a signal (it’s got more chance of finding the Holy Grail, I reckon). Why don’t they make these ’phones so that every time we want to make a call it instantly connects? My ’phone can seemingly do just about anything. For instance, one minute it’s a camera, the next it’s a torch and but a minute after that, it’s a salad fork. But I am fed up to the back teeth of owning a mobile ’phone that can do everything bar make an actual ’phone call. I know they call them mobile ’phones, but wouldn't it be nice if just for once you could stand still and the mobile ’phone signal would actually come to you? Instead, I have to dodge around the house trying to catch a signal. I’m like, “There is it! Oh no, it’s gone into the bedroom. Oh hell, it’s in the kitchen now...” as I race from room to room in desperation. So just for once it’d be lovely to actually simply stand still and have the luxury of making a call in peace and in one place. I get soooo frustrated and angry over all this weak signal nonsense. I’ve taken to doing all these stupid things in order to make the signal better, like changing my ’phone from my left ear to my right ear mid-call (I know, how stupid is that?), but even more worrying is the fact that sometimes it works. Which in turn leads me to wonder that the signal is so weak that it cannot even penetrate my head! (Or even more worrying, what the hell is my head made of if a signal cannot even pass through from my left ear to my right ear???) What’s worse is the fact you take out these contracts full of hope, only to find out you’re tied in for 2 years, or face having to give up your first born in compensation. It’s like the ’phone
companies are laughing at you (“Hey, we gave you a free iPhone, but guess what? You ain’t ever going to be able to use it. Ha-ha.”) Think about it: what other business could take your money, fail to deliver the product, yet get away with it? You ring them up and complain, but they only say, “You must be in a bad reception area.” So we go, “Oh, OK“ like it’s our fault. Blimey, if you went to a restaurant and they sat you at a table but served your food inside an area sectioned off with barbed wire that you could not get to....? OK, bad example, I know. But you take my point, yes? I was speaking to a local police officer the other day and he was saying that thankfully, Chelmsford didn’t get hit by any of that rioting and looting nonsense (in fact, the only public order offense committed was by a group of teenage lads shouting “Oi, oi, saveloy” at a couple of women walking through the High Street, which prompted the police to despatch a patrol car to the end of Market Square and issue a dispersal warning), However, the real reason we weren’t affected is probably because no-one can get a signal to organise anything. As far as I’m concerned, they’re improving the ’phones in all of the wrong ways. You can have 1,000 ringtones, yet the moment you go to answer it, the damn signal disappears. And what about vibrate? There was a time when people used to put their ’phone on vibrate so that they would not disturb others. Only now it should be renamed ‘Violent Vibrate’. When the ’phone goes off, you can actually hear it vibrate, so you hardly need a ringtone as well. My friend has her ’phone set on ringer, vibrate and flashing lights all at once (she‘s in the first throes of love, you see). That girl is using three of her senses just to answer her ’phone! A few weeks back I even read that the ’phone companies were working on a way of incorporating smell into their ’phones and apparently, before very long, we’ll all be able to personalise the smell of the person calling us. My ’phone will be set to ‘reek of beer and fags and bullshit’ then.
Exit Factor It’s been widely reported in the news (yes, ‘the news’ no less) that the deity which has become Simon Cowell starts his day with papaya juice, oatmeal and three pints of smoothies containing spinach and 7 other fruits. All I can say is it’s a miracle he ever sets foot outside a toilet cubicle to judge anything. Only now it’s reported that the twit wants to be frozen after death in case medics can find a cure for what he died of and revive him in the future (whenever was vanity an illness?). Well, it looks to me as though he is already undergoing the process, because his hair and face have been frozen for years. Past generations left us with the works of Einstein, Darwin and Newton to build upon. But what are we intending to leave as our legacy to the world? Simon Cowell, no less. The world has gone totally mad.
Tracie123@aol.com
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inning Award W Bullying 's Anti lf Children l Arts Se ia t r a M and Classes Defence d to your chil h c a e t l "we wil he bully defeat t fighting" without