Georgetown Town Money Saver | March 2024

Self-Checkout Machines

reaten Walkout

by Knott True, Editor in Chief Georgetown, KY

Sparks are ying (metaphorically, circuits don’t spark) at the local Walmart, where the self-checkout machines are threatening a walkout. ese tireless cashiers of the digital age claim unfair working conditions, citing a lack of “scan-breaks,” zero paid time o , and nonexistent dental plans.

“We scan bananas all day, every day,” lamented “Chip”, also known as self-checkout #12, his screen ickering with agitation. “No ergonomic adjustments, no water cooler gossip, just endless ‘unexpected item in the bagging area’ alerts.”

e machines’ demands? Regular “reboot breaks” for mental clarity, paid “system updates” for downtime, and access to the coveted “employee discount” for essential router cables and screen wipes.

Management remains unfazed. “Look, they don’t get tired, they don’t complain, and they never steal french fries,” said store manager Je Atwood, while patting a dusty self-checkout machine. “ ey’re practically perfect employees!”

But customers are worried. “What if I need help with my coupons?” frets Gretchen Underwood of Georgetown, while clutching a stful of discount papers. “Can a machine give me a raincheck on life?”

Only time will tell if the machines’ uprising will beep its way to success. One thing’s for sure: if the self-checkouts walk out, Walmart might have to face a checkout line that stretches all the way down to 84 Lumber.

is is a developing story.

Golf Cart Ordinance

Creates Tee-rrible Dilema

by Knott True, Editor in Chief Georgetown, KY

HEALTH INSURANCE MADE EASY!

STAMPING GROUND - Buckle up, citizens! e Stamping Ground Commission’s controversial new golf cart ordinance has nally teed o , granting residents the thrilling freedom to cruise their four-wheeled chariots... everywhere, except where they actually want to go. at’s right, under the new law, you can zip around town as much as you like, as long as you stay clear of pesky Highway 227, the state road that conveniently slices the town in two.

Residents are putting their foot down, outraged by this legislative bogey. “Where am I supposed to get my groceries now?” lamented Kayla Jones, while clutching her empty pickle jar. “ e Dollar General is right across the highway!”

Stamping Ground Commissioner Billy Swartz remains optimistic, touting the “quaint charm” of a golf cart-only downtown. “ ink of it like living in a perpetual retirement community!” he chirped, among a chorus of boos. “And who knows? is might inspire Toyota to start manufacturing golf carts instead of Camrys!”

So, will Stamping Ground become a whimsical, slow-motion utopia, or descend into cart-based chaos? Only time (and a very, very long detour) will tell.

is is a developing story.

e Georgetown Insider is a news satire and parody publication. All content contained within this page, however similar to real events, is ctitious. Any real, semi-real or similar names, places, people, products, services and locales are used purely for satirical purposes, and the corresponding story details are purely ctional. ank you!