A PERFECT TEN An excerpt Written by Chris Silvini
For Mickey Bertolli, finding his perfect woman seemed like the answer to all his problems. But is Valerie's perfection enough for Mickey to live happily ever after like they do in the movies, or is there no such thing? And where does that leave him with the love of his life, Jess, and the young and free-spirited Sophie who could very well be his soulmate.
INT. MAGAZINE OFFICE - LATE AFTERNOON. The office is almost empty. MICKEY BERTOLLI, 26, is at his desk typing so fast his fingers are almost a blur. He’s the definition of average. Average height, average looks, average build. His colleague and friend TOM CURTIS, 28, is packing up. If James Bond got it on with a bronzed Bondi surfer girl, Tom would be the resulting spawn. In the background a male cleaner goes about his business wearing headphones. TOM Well, that’s me for today. MICKEY (Still typing) Okay. See ya tomorrow. TOM Are you leaving any time soon, or are you going to continue to perpetuate the rumour that you’re homeless? MICKEY Almost done. Just want to finish this off so I don’t have to rush my run in the morning. TOM Freak. Okay then, I guess I’ll give you and Julio some privacy. Make sure you make him stay to cuddle a little afterwards, okay? Mickey gives Tom the finger whilst maintaining his typing speed one-handed. Tom exits. Mickey pauses and takes a quick scan around the office. He waits a moment for Julio to walk out of the room before sliding open his bottom desk drawer where there’s a stash of DVDs and snack food. He retrieves one of the DVDs and a bag of microwave popcorn. CUT TO: INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - LATER. The blinds have been drawn and the room is completely dark except for the blue glow from the widescreen TV. Mickey sits down in a big leather chair. He kicks his worn Converse sneakers and socks off and plonks his bare feet up on the conference room table. Popcorn poised on his lap, he turns the TV on and the opening credits of High Fidelity roll. Mickey smiles and nestles into his seat. FADE TO:
2. INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - LATER. Mickey is fully engrossed in the screen but is interrupted by his Kill Bill ring tone. He reluctantly pauses the movie and answers. Hello?
MICKEY
VALERIE (O.S.) Hey babe. Where are you? Are you still at work? MICKEY Oh, hey. Yeah, I am. Sorry. VALERIE How long are you going to be? MICKEY Sorry. I’m just trying to finish writing this story so I don’t have to come in super early tomorrow. VALERIE Okay. Well I have a surprise for you at home. MICKEY What kind of surprise? VALERIE You’ll see. MICKEY Are you at my place or yours? VALERIE How long do you think you’ll be? MICKEY I don’t know... He reads the back of the DVD case. MICKEY (CONT’D) Maybe another half hour. A bit more? VALERIE Okay. See you soon. MICKEY My place or yours?
3. She’s gone. He puts his phone down and continues watching the movie. FADE TO: INT. MICKEY’S APARTMENT. KITCHEN - EVENING. Mickey is seated at the kitchen table wearing a blindfold. The table has been set with a lot of care - flowers, candles and some mood music playing softly in the background. MICKEY You do know how much I’m hating this right? VALERIE I’m fully aware. MICKEY Good. Just so you know. Valerie places a plate of food in front of him and sits down with an expectant grin. Okay. Go.
VALERIE
Mickey removes the blindfold and throws it in her face playfully. She throws it back and it falls into the plate. Oh shit!
VALERIE (CONT’D)
She fishes it out and throws it away. Mickey stares down at the plate. Is this -
MICKEY
VALERIE Your mum said it’s your favourite. MICKEY My mum? How did - You made this? VALERIE Are you surprised that I cooked this specifically, or that I cooked at all? Because... MICKEY No, no, no! It looks amazing.
4. VALERIE Well, thanks. But if you don’t taste it soon my bladder’s going to burst. I’ve been holding on so I could catch you at the door. MICKEY (Jokingly) I can’t. I’m scared. She laughs and holds a fork up in front of his face. He has a taste. MICKEY (CONT’D) (With a mouthful) Oh God. VALERIE What? Is it okay? Did I get close? MICKEY You really made this? VALERIE Yeah. Stop it. Is it horrible? It’s okay if it’s bad. I’ll just order a pizza or something. MICKEY No. It’s amazing. It’s just What?
VALERIE
MICKEY It’s exactly like hers. How did you do that? VALERIE She taught me. Sorry. Let me pee. One sec. She runs out of the room. MICKEY My mother tau - When did you - I didn’t know you two were... VALERIE (From down the hall) You know last weekend when I said I got called in for that extra shift? MICKEY Mmhmm. Yeah.
5. VALERIE I spent the whole afternoon with her in her kitchen. I bumped into her a few weeks ago when she was visiting her friend on my ward Mrs Gianetti? - and we arranged it then. MICKEY Oh, what was wrong with Eva? VALERIE Kidney stones. MICKEY Wait. You spent a whole afternoon with my mum? Cooking? Valerie re-enters. VALERIE It was amazing. She’s incredible. You didn’t tell me she writes poetry! MICKEY She writes poetry? VALERIE And she’s so good! She’s really, really good. She has this gorgeous wooden box with flowers carved into it, and it’s full of all her handwritten poems. MICKEY I always assumed that was where she kept her meds. Shut up.
VALERIE
MICKEY Well, she’s obviously a pretty good teacher. I feel like I’m sitting in her kitchen with her right now. VALERIE Oh! I was so nervous. I drank like three-quarters of a bottle of wine while I was waiting. You’ve been finishing so late. Is everything okay at work? MICKEY Yeah. It’s all good.
6. Valerie watches him with a big smile as he continues eating. She finishes the last sip of wine and gets up to sit on his lap. He’s still eating, looking at the pot of food, slightly unsettled. VALERIE So I did okay then? MICKEY (Through a mouthful of food) It’s perfect. You’re perfect. Valerie dives in for a big pash and he pushes her away. MICKEY (CONT’D) Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait a second. Wait a second. He chews and swallows. Okay.
MICKEY (CONT’D)
They resume kissing. Mickey’s eyes are wide open, staring down at the food. FADE TO: EXT. CITY STREET - EARLY MORNING. Mickey is running and totally in the zone. He has headphones on, blaring ‘No Hope’ by The Vaccines. He arrives at a park and stops to check his phone and realises it’s ringing. On the screen is a photo of an unimpressed GINA BERTOLLI standing in her kitchen with a wooden spoon. Underneath it are the words ‘Mother Dearest’. Mickey paces as he talks. MICKEY (Slightly puffed) Hello? Mickey? Hiii.
GINA (O.S.) MICKEY
GINA Are you still in bed? MICKEY No. I’m out running.
7. GINA What for? You’re skinny enough darling. MICKEY That’s not why I - How are you? GINA Good. How’s Valerie? MICKEY Maybe I should ask you, since you’re besties and everything. GINA Oh, she did it! MICKEY What the hell Mum? GINA How was it? MICKEY It was beautiful. It was... exactly like yours. GINA She’s a good cook this one. MICKEY What are you doing? GINA Wha-a-a-at? It’s okay. MICKEY No, it’s not. What the hell? We haven’t been going out that long. GINA Aaah, rubbish. You know what your problem is darling? You think too much and you’re too fussy. MICKEY I just don’t want to rush anyth GINA What you mean rush? You’re nearly 30. MICKEY Whoa, I’m 26.
8. GINA - and, me and your father courted for six months before we got engaged. MICKEY Ugh. I hate it when you say ‘courted’. It sounds like you’re fucking peacocks or something. GINA Stop it. Darling, I have some news. What?
MICKEY
GINA It’s the boy D’Angelo. The one in your class. Shane?
MICKEY
GINA No, Shane’s the father. MICKEY Shane’s the son too. GINA I thought it was Sam. MICKEY Sam’s the older brother. He’s the football player. Shane’s the one in my class. He was in our group, you know? Remember, when we were in primary school he used to come over to play dinosaurs? GINA I don’t know... MICKEY The one who loved your biscuits. The ones with the pecans. GINA Oh, Shane! You used to watch Jerrastick Park a hundred times. MICKEY Sort of. That’s him. GINA (Suddenly saddened) Oh, God.
9.
What?
MICKEY
GINA He died, darling. MICKEY (Stopping still) What? GINA Yesterday afternoon. In hospital. What?
MICKEY
GINA He was in there for They thought he was but he took a turn. mother. Such a good at church.
a week or so. getting better His poor woman. Always
MICKEY What happened? GINA Well, Linda across the road said he had a fall or something but then I heard it was the drugs. Oh, shit.
MICKEY
GINA Are you going to come for the funeral? MICKEY Yeah. I should be able to get work off but depends when it is. GINA Oh, you can take Valerie! It’d be lovely to see her again. You can take her to meet all your old friends. Show her your school. Meet your cousins. MICKEY I don’t think a funeral is the best place for a little meet and greet, Mum. GINA Oh, she’d love to come, darling.
10. MICKEY Yep, look I gotta go Mum. Byyyyeee. He hangs up the phone and stares blankly at the ground. After a moment he puts his headphones back on with music blaring and resumes running. FADE TO: INT. MICKEY’S APARTMENT. KITCHEN - MORNING. Mickey enters to find Valerie sitting on the kitchen bench talking on the phone. VALERIE Oh, that’s him now. Gotta go Gina. Call you later, okay? Okay. Bye. She hangs up. VALERIE (CONT’D) That was your Mum. I’m so sorry baby. She gives him a long hug. VALERIE (CONT’D) Sit down. I’m making you breakfast. He pulls away and walks past her towards the lounge room. She waits for the sound of the TV turning on. VALERIE (CONT’D) What are you watching babe? MICKEY (O.S.) Jurassic Park. FADE OUT.