Transformation Coaching Magazine July 2018 by Transformation Coaching Magazine

COACHING & BUSINESS TOOLS When an Entrepreneur’s Worst Nightmare Turns into Life’s Greatest Blessing Do You Have a Growth Mindset? From Wanderlust to Canine-Friendly Travel Adventures The Drama Triangle, Part 2

It’s time for some

TOUGH LOVE! We’ve been on a re-branding journey recently and one of the things our branding coaches have challenged us to do is to embrace our personality, both our own personalities and that of our brand itself. One of the defining features of our brand and personalities is that we are BOLD, no-B.S., we tell it like it is, we call people out on their limiting beliefs. We don’t take “no” for an answer. THERE IS NO PLAN “B”!

INSPIRATION & GROWTH Coaching the Coach: Magic When You Least Expect It Life is Precious See With New Eyes I’m Right, You’re Wrong Stop Black-and-White-Thinking Can’t Forgive Yourself for Mistakes? Nothing in Your Life is Wasted FEED YOUR SPIRIT There is a Place

Joeel & Natalie Rivera, Publishers

PUBLISHERS Natalie Rivera Joeel A. Rivera, M.Ed.

EDITOR Lisa Cedrone

CONTRIBUTORS Joeel A. Rivera, Natalie Rivera, Terez “Firewoman” Hartmann, Dreama Vance, Linda Commito, Lisa Cedrone, Mary Boutieller, Gregg Sanderson, Lotus Josiah Seng, Noelle Sterne

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We will fulfill our puprose or die trying! We will be continuing to implement shiny, new, upgraded aspects of our brand in the coming months, so keep your eye out for a new level of awesomeness! And, if you resonate with your CHALLENGE, connect to us through Facebook (and, of course, keep reading!) Check out one of our sassy memes below! Thank you for transforming with us,

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When an Entrepreneur’s Worst Nightmare Turns into Life’s Greatest Blessing

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by Joeel A. Rivera, M.Ed.

Joeel & Natalie Rivera, with daughter Miabella

What would happen to YOUR business, family, life if YOU were on bedrest for a year? THE NIGHTMARE

I woke up at 2 o’clock in the morning covered in sweat, shaking, with my blood pressure through the roof…. An hour later it happened again, and again. Months later, after several hospitalizations and NO ANSWERS, my symptoms continued. In fact, they worsened. I found myself no longer able to work, to coach my clients, to teach my classes, to give my presentations, to run my business. I could barely walk… or eat… and all I could do is get in a meditative state to keep my body calm. It took everything I had just to stay alive.

IT ALL COMES CRUMBLING DOWN

Many months of not being able to run our multiple businesses had finally depleted our funds. My wife became my full-time caretaker and could no longer work either. Even though our business was crumbling around us, I barely noticed because I was focused on only one thing—survival. We stopped doing everything except for publishing our monthly magazine (the one you are reading right now!). The subscription income was residual and took very little time to upkeep every month. That residual income is what prevented us from ending up bankrupt or even homeless. Six months into my illness, we had to start paying our staff using credit cards.

Two of the photos we had on our ceiling, of the world’s largest cruise ship

SABBATICAL

We would lay on the bed, holding hands, and stare at the ceiling, where we had taped photos of the things we dreamed to do one day when we could go back to living life and exploring the world. We would close our eyes and visualize ourselves experiencing each image—snorkeling with sea turtles, traveling the world, and going on the world’s largest cruise ship (pictured below). Throughout the whole ordeal we had a LOT of time to sit and think. It was like a sabbatical. We listened to audiobooks… we consumed anything inspirational that we could find… we even started taking online courses.

ONLINE COURSES

I became intrigued about online courses because we had created several courses a couple years earlier and it was the only source of income we had coming in that we didn’t have to do ANY work to earn.

I had reached a place where I accepted the possibility of my own demise. I had to face that even after everything I had learned and accomplished and built in my life I was not going to leave a legacy. I was not able to leave anything for my wife or daughter, financially. And, everything I was so passionate about teaching—all

of my knowledge about human potential and building a business, was going to die with me. But, I saw online courses as a way to leave behind something… to share my wisdom with the world in a way that would outlive me.

The idea of turning what I knew and loved into online courses gave me hope.

THE DREAM

8 months after getting sick, I was hospitalized for the final time. From my room I had a view across the water where we could see some condos on the beach. I said to my wife,

“One day we will be over there.” Although it was only a few mile drive, it felt worlds away. I was finally given antibiotics and I began to improve and spent the next year recovering. After losing nearly 30 pounds, losing my muscle mass and strength, and destroying my digestive system, I had to relearn how to walk and eat. We never found out what I had, but we didn’t care. All that mattered is that we could see the light at the end of the tunnel.

RECOVERY

While I began to regain my strength, I started to record videos for 10 minutes at a time, and then return to fetal position. As I continued to improve, we finished our first course, and as it began to produce an income, I was motivated to keep going. We created another course and then another. We started getting feedback from our students, who were coming from all over the world, about how much our courses were impacting their lives.

THE BLESSING

Hospital room with a view of the beach, across the water.

One year after that last hospitalization, we were looking across the water at the hospital where I had stayed FROM our new home in the condos we had seen from the other side. (See the cover image for this article to see a photo of our family standing on the beach in our back yard, looking at the hospital from across the water.) And, a year after that, we went on the exact same cruise ship from the photos on our ceiling, that we had envisioned ourseleves on so many times. (Photos, bottom right.) The road to recovery was long and hard, but being able to reach those we were meant to serve, from the comfort of our own home, and be able to create something that would outlive us, was the fuel that kept us going. We continued to convert our workshops and coach training programs into online programs. And now, four years later:

We’ve built our business back to being bigger and better than it was before. However, this time, it’s almost entirely PASSIVE INCOME. The pain and uncertainty of illness and the challenge of figuring out how to keep our heads above water ended up being a tremendous BLESSING. • It helped us remember what we really wanted, which was FREEDOM. • It helped us realize that we had created a lot of responsibility and work for ourselves with our various businesses. • We learned how to find peace and happiness even within the most challenging situations. • We learned the lesson that our longevity and livelihood cannot be 100% dependent on our labor. • We learned the power and importance of passive income. And today, we are passionate about empowering others to do three things: 1. Give their pain a purpose 2. Leave a legacy 3. Secure their future And all three of these things can be accomplished by doing what we did,

which is to CREATE ONLINE COURSES based on what you ALREADY do, know, and love.

An entrepreneur’s worst nightmare ended up being life’s biggest blessing for us. We are now sharing our story because we want it to inspire other entrepreneurs, like you, to learn the lesson that you can DIVERSIFY YOUR INCOME by creating more leveraged and passive income strategies that will ensure your business and family can survive without you.

JOIN THE ONLINE COURSE REVOLUTION

Whether you want to be able to take a month off, you may be caring for an aging parent, or you want to have a safety net in case something happens to you, in the information age there is more opportunity than ever before to get paid to teach what you know and love online. If this story resonates with you because you want more freedom, need a safety net, or you have thought about sharing your expertise, experience, or passion with others online, we invite you to join the online course revolution. You can create passion, purpose and passive income!

Us holding the photos from our ceiling.

We’ve created over 60 online courses and have more than 60,000 students from 188 countries. Email me to find out more about creating online courses: joeel@transformationservices.org

Transformation Coaching with Joeel A. Rivera Joeel Rivera is a visionary creator, coach, speaker and serial entrepreneur. He is a former psychology professor with Master’s Degree in Counseling and Education and is currently completing his dissertation for his Ph.D. in Psychology, with an emphasis on happiness. Joeel infuses a deep understanding of the science of psychology and human potential into all of his programs. He has worked with thousands of organizations, INDIEpreneurs and life coaches who are committed to mastering the power of their mind and creating their destiny. He has almost 40,000 students from 170 countries around the world. Visit http://www.IgniteLife.me and http://www.Transformation-Academy.com.

Do You Have a Growth Mindset?

Do You Have a 8

Growth Mindset?

By Natalie Rivera If you want to develop more confidence and be more successful and happy in your life, this question of “do you have a growth mindset?” is the most important question you need to ask yourself. Let’s explore why. Confidence is NOT an unwavering belief in your own abilities or innate greatness— true confidence is having an identity that you are the type of person who will take action and figure it out. There’s no need to be good at everything at first, only an ability to learn and grow. In order to have this identify, you have to believe you have control over your life and that you’ll take action. There are two foundational psychological concepts that need to be in place for this to happen.

LOCUSThe first OFis called CONTROL locus of control, which

refers to what you believe is and is not within your control. • Some people feel like life is simply happening to them, like they’re a victim to whatever might happen. They have an external locus of control. • Other people believe they are in control of their lives. Even when something happens to them that appears to come from the outside, they still see how they have power over the outcome. This is an internal locus of control. Everyone varies how much control they feel they have, depending on the circumstance. So, the question is, how do you develop an internal locus of control and feel empowered about your life? This is where the second psychological principal comes in: a bias toward action.

BIASIf TOWARD ACTION you feel like your life is out of your

control, you’re unlikely to take action because you don’t believe it will make a difference. You have a bias toward inaction. So, in order to overcome this, you can begin taking action and seeing what happens. The goal is to act when you normally wouldn’t, which will lead to changes in your circumstances you wouldn’t have had otherwise. Doing this over time shows yourself that you have more influence over your life than you thought. You develop a bias toward action, meaning you believe you’re the type of person who takes action to influence their own life. This, in turn, develops your internal locus of control and makes you feel empowered to direct your own life. It gives you confidence.

But, there is one underlying psychological principle that is even more important to understand. It’s the core belief that ultimately determines your ability to have an internal locus of control and a bias toward action. It’s the one key ingredient to developing confidence. It also happens to be the same belief that differentiates those who are successful from those who are not. However, it’s not just a belief, it’s a mindset. It’s a way of looking at yourself and at life. People who have this mindset are:

• More resilient • Better at coping with failure • More likely to challenge themselves Ultimately, they’re more confident. Those who do not have it are:

• Less resilient • Poor at coping with failure • Avoid challenge that could reveal their flaws So, it sounds pretty important, right? It is. But, before I tell you what it is, let me tell you a quick story. When I was in high school and college, I didn’t take credit for my good grades. In fact, I almost felt guilty about them. I believed I did well because I was naturally smart. I did better than others because I was smarter. I didn’t like being praised or recognized because I felt bad making others feel inferior. It wasn’t their fault, they just weren’t as lucky as me. Then, when I went back to college full time to finally finish my degree, I had an epiphany. I realized that I acted differently than other people. I made different decisions. I considered that maybe I was more successful, not simply because I was intelligent, but because I put in effort. Maybe it was because of those times I would stay home and work on my homework while my friends were out partying. Maybe it was how I paid attention in class and took great notes. Maybe it was because I cared about doing well and worked hard for my A’s. A couple years later I was running a teen life coaching center and I was telling my business partner about this epiphany. I was pointing out that my success as an entrepreneur was because I put the effort in to reflect and discover what I really wanted, I chose to go back to school, and was willing

to start a business in my 20s. Her reaction was to put me down and shove me back into that same old box. She told me I was able to do all of these things because I was smarter, I was more privileged, “it was easy for me”. And, therefore, I shouldn’t take the credit. So, who was right? Consider this example and how you would feel if it was you. Imagine that you had a terrible day. You spilled coffee on your shirt on the way to work, you got a parking ticket on your lunch break, and your boss reprimanded you for publishing a document with several major errors. How would you react?

• a) You’d feel bad about yourself for being clumsy, unintelligent and unlucky. You’d accept that this is just how your life goes. • b) You’d be upset but you’d be thinking about how you should probably use a better travel mug, be more careful when you park, and double check your work. Then, I want you to answer these questions: • If I told you that your intelligence, like an IQ score, is something about you that you can’t change, would you a) agree or b) disagree? • If I told you that talents are something you are born with would you a) agree or b) disagree? So, did you answer mostly a’s or b’s? Before I tell you about the mindset I’m talking about here, and what the a’s and b’s represent, I want you to know the number 1 most important thing you need to know about it.

If you don’t already have this mindset, the good news is that you can LEARN IT. In fact, sometimes simply knowing about it can dramatically alter people’s lives because it changes the way you look at yourself.

This core belief system I’m talking about is called the Growth Mindset. And the opposite way of viewing the world is called the Fixed Mindset.

If you answered all b’s and you agreed with my epiphany, you have a growth mindset. If you answered some a’s, that’s okay, because you can develop a growth mindset. So, let me explain what this means. The research behind the growth mindset has been conducted by Carol Dweck, PhD who is a psychology professor at Stanford University.

In a nutshell, the growth mindset is a belief that your basic qualities, including intelligence and talent, can be cultivated through effort. This means that while people may be innately different, with certain aptitudes and temperaments, all aspects of a person’s abilities and personality can be changed, regardless of where your setpoint is. The fixed mindset, on the other hand, is a belief that these same characteristics are fixed at birth or become locked-in by a certain age. This means that some people are just inherently more talented or intelligent than others and that’s just the way it is. If you feel like at least part of you believes that intelligence and talent are fixed, you are not alone. Most people, especially in the western world, believe this because our culture teaches us that it’s true. So, it’s not your fault. Emphasis is put on testing us to determine our intelligence, such as taking an IQ test or being graded. No one stops to think that a single test taken on a certain day at a certain age cannot possibly predict how well you would do on the test years later, after learning more, or when you’re in a better mood. But, we’re taught that these tests identify what we’ve got and that’s it. We’re stuck with it. We also live in a culture that is obsessed with “natural talent”. Imagine two tennis players had an equal level of ability and were going to be competing in a match. You were told that one of them was a natural who barely had to try and the other had to work 10 hours a day to perform at that level. Who would you expect to win the match? The vast majority

of people vote for the “natural” because we’ve been trained to value natural ability over cultivated ability. There are two problems with this. 1. One is that, in reality the people who work hard to develop their abilities far out-win the naturals in the long run. 2. The other problem is that if being a natural is so important, it actually discourages the effort it takes for those who have to work at it. And, that’s exactly what happens.

FIXEDTalentMINDSET is Fixed: People with a

fixed mindset believe they’ll always have the same level of talent regardless of how much effort they put in. They’ve either got it or they don’t. Because of this the spend a lot of effort trying to prove their abilities and intelligence. They want to look smart. So, if they’re not immediately good at something, they stop doing it. This is because they’re in a constant quest to prove that they are talented or intelligent. Effort is Bad: To a fixed mindset person, effort is a bad thing. Having to work hard at something is a signal that you’re not a natural talent or that you’re not of high intelligent because if you were you wouldn’t’ have to try. As a result, they don’t challenge themselves, they don’t like trying new things, and so they never develop their potential. They’re trapped reaching only as far as their current abilities can take them. Failure is the End of the World: They’re also trapped because failure is devastating. It means they are a failure. And because they don’t want to have to take

And, it isn’t just the studies behind on an identity as a failure, they’ll often blame others or the outside world. Fixed the psychology of the growth mindset that mindset people find joy in being the best back this up, its brain and neuroscience too! It’s not just your belief system or your actual or being judged as talented or smart. abilities that can change, your brain changes right along with them. Effort is Power: Growth mindset people see the world very differently. So, all of those things that They believe that the more effort they put you didn’t think you could do into something, whether it’s practicing or simply because you haven’t learning, the better they will become. If they’re not good at something they see done them, they’re all now it as a sign that they have to work harder. possibilities again! Growth is the Goal: They have little need to prove they are talented or intelligent and instead are on a never ending quest to continue to grow. How hard someone tries is how they measure the person’s value. They enjoy challenges If you’re not sure, take the and see them as an opportunity to learn GROWTH MINDSET QUIZ on the next something and expand their boundaries. page! And, if you lean toward a fixed mindFailure is Learning: They may set, the good news is you can practice this not like failing, but they don’t ever be- new way of thinking. Also, it’s important to lieve they are a failure. They see failure know you may have more of a growth mindas a learning experience. Growth mindset set in some areas of life, such as believing people find joy in progress and learning. you can learn a new skill, but a fixed mindset in another area, such as believing your personality traits are fixed. What is important to

GROWTH MINDSET

So, DO you have a growth mindset?

know here is that if you didn’t already know that you can change and improve your talents, skills, intelligence, characteristics, and behaviors, now you know!

AUTHOR’S NOTE: If you’re interested in diving deeper into developing a growth mindset and TRUE confidence, find out more about our Self Confidence course and Confidence Coach Certification at Transformation-Academy.com. (Use discount code confidence50 to save 50%!)

Ignite Life with Natalie Rivera

Natalie Rivera is a firestarter, speaker and entrepreneur. She is passionate about empowering others to GET REAL and live authentically. After a decade of living a life that wasn’t hers and developing Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, Natalie let go of everything and completely transformed. Through her journey to healing she rediscovered her true self and greater purpose—to inspire others to transform their lives. Natalie “retired” from the rat race at 24, put herself through school as a freelance designer, created a non-profit teen center, and later created Transformation Services, Inc., which offers motivational speaking, curriculum development, life coaching, event management, and publishing. She is also the Publisher of Transformation Magazine. Visit http://www.transformation-academy.com.

Coaching the Coach: Magic When You Least Expect It It

by Terez “Firewoman” Hartmann

The more you give yourself permission to honor your spirit and choose fun and joy, the more fun and joy you can and will find. How many times have you found yourself passionately searching for something that matters to you, determined to do “whatever it takes” to make it a reality, only to find that the harder you try, the more elusive it becomes? Even with everything I’ve come to understand about “Allowing” (LETTING good happen while ENJOYING the journey), there are still times I’ve found myself pushing or struggling to “make” something happen, as it is SO deeply ingrained in human consciousness. While there most certainly ARE times when gumption and determination are a great way to begin a journey, I often find that when I finally relax into the experience and let joy become the strongest call and reason to move forward, this is when answers and solutions flow, and when the REAL magic happens. Below is a true story about a fabulous adventure and “foxy friend” that continues to serve me as a great reminder of how well life works when you chill-the-#$%^-out and enjoy the ride. May it ignite a little spark within you to give yourself permission to celebrate your SELF, to always allow time to nurture your spirit and enjoy your NOW, and to LET magic happen.

daily routine of having breakfast with a view of nature, followed by hiking and exploring beautiful spaces and places, followed by relaxing near a fire in the evenings (when the weather permitted), quickly brought us to a place of serenity, clarity and appreciation. This was a lifestyle we could easily get used to! Each day along our journey brought oodles of bonuses, upgrades and happy surprises. During the times we found ourselves on deserted roads, seemingly nowhere near the site or trail that was promised to us by Google maps or a local brochure, as if on cue, a local would show up virtually out of thin air and come over to us to say, “You look like you need some help. Where ya’ll headed?” Even when we were out on a trail, wanting to see a waterfall that we thought was on an entirely different path, or had nothing more than a vague idea of where a trailhead was, we’d just so happen to look up, down or sideways—at just the right time—to find EXACTLY what we were looking for! Had we looked in a different direction at those exact moments, we would have easily missed our entry points and clues.

My husband John and I had just hosted a tribute concert in honor of Mom Hartmann (who transitioned recently) and decided to take some time to recharge and renew via a fabulous RV journey through the mountains. Even though our hearts were still healing, this

One particular day, John and I decided to set off to explore another intriguing waterfall trail that was about an hour’s drive from our campsite. When we arrived at the coordinates and address listed in the “official,” professionally printed, state-

CHOOSING A JOURNEY OF SERENITY

FROM DEAD END TO EXTRAORDINARY PATH

sponsored brochure, we found ourselves pulling into… …an equestrian center. We searched the area for anything that even remotely resembled a hiking trail, but nothing seemed to fit the bill. Once we resolved to just celebrate the scenic drive we had just enjoyed and move on, a friendly local in a pickup truck pulled up beside us. We told him where we were headed and he then proceeded to tell us an elaborate story about a landowner and his ongoing dispute over property lines and public lands, which was a big part of why the map led us to THIS spot. With that, he told us not worry and that he would gladly lead us to the ACTUAL trailhead. We followed the kind gentleman a couple of miles down the road to what seemed like a random spot. He then instructed us to park beside the road and pointed out a slight opening into the woods. Though it was unmarked, he assured us that this WAS the trail we were looking for—and he ought to know—as HE built one of the main bridges that crosses over the creek! We thanked him for his time, started walking and, sure enough, found ourselves in the midst of a gorgeous canyon with lush foliage where we came to not one waterfall but TWO, along with two additional fascinating, naturally occurring geological features that were labeled, “Noah’s Ark,” and “The Ten Commandments.” What started out as an apparent “dead end” turned out to be one heck of an extraordinary path that included everything we wanted to experience—and SO much more!

A MAGICAL MEGA-BONUS

As we climbed back into our hotel on wheels, feeling deeply satisfied with our magical day, we hit the road to make our way back to our RV campsite. Only a few minutes after we started, something caught my eye that practically brought our rig to a screeching halt…

There, in broad daylight, were two red KIT FOXES playing in a strip of grass right next to the road with momma fox keeping watch just across the field! To the average person who loves animals, this would have been a lovely thing to witness, but to me, seeing a fox AT ALL, nonetheless in adorable BABY form in the middle of the AFTERNOON – when they are known to be creatures of the night— was akin to seeing a unicorn. For years, every time John and I would go for a stroll or hike and hear any kind of rustling in the woods, great hope and excitement would well up in me, and I’d blurt out, “Maybe it’s a FOX!” I truly wanted to see one of these colorful cat-dogs in the wild, but, when time and time again, the sounds we heard seemed to be anything other than a fox, this became more of a running gag than anything else. I knew that one day, at some point before I croak, I’d see a fox, but after years of “no fox” encounters, I had, only days before our trip, let go of it happening any time soon—and was okay with that.

Having THIS experience was, once again, proof of how well life can deliver what seems like the most farfetched, outrageous things the moment you stop “looking” for them! Note: Photos of a few of these magical sights can be found by visiting: http:// www.terezfirewoman.com/blog and choosing the title, “Magic When You Least Expect It.”

THE BOTTOM LINE: MAGIC WHEN YOU LEAST EXPECT IT!

The rest of our trip did indeed follow the same flow of enchanting connections and experiences, but I have to say that seeing my foxy friends on this particular day made an especially strong impression on my heart. Even in the midst of great personal challenges, every time I revisit stories like this of how well life works when I make enjoying my NOW my top priority, I am amazed by how beautifully the seeds of the essence of these accounts take root and bloom in my consciousness to bring clarity, light and joy to my present moment. Whether you or your clients are in the midst of savoring a spectacular adventure, or, conversely, looking to find even the smallest glimmer of light, or just traversing terrain somewhere in-between, may you know and remember good can always be found wherever you stand. The more you give your-

self permission to honor your spirit and choose fun and joy, the more fun and joy you can and WILL find. …And that the very things you’ve been looking for can and will appear in the perfect place, at the perfect time, when you no longer need them, but, rather, when you allow yourself to be in a place where you are truly ready and able to ENJOY them. BTW…Just a few nights ago (about a month after our trip and well over 600 miles away from our fox-sighting spot), my hubby and I were enjoying a late-night stroll and heard the most unusual sounds—something we had NEVER heard in the two years we’d had lived in our neighborhood. Fortunately, John had brought his phone and was able to use a sound recording app to “capture” this strange series of calls. When we compared our recording to multiple animal sounds, there was no doubt that what we had heard were indeed…FOXES!!! Here’s to choosing and savoring a magical LIFE, so that soul mates, solutions, cash flow, opportunities, great adventures, well-being, fun, frolicking foxes, and beyond are no longer what is required but simply a magical BONUS that can’t help but appear to a heart, mind and soul ALREADY on fire! For more about the “Coaching the Coach” series, visit: http://www.terezfirewoman. com/blog and choose the title, “About the ‘Coaching the Coach’ Series.”

ALLOWING YOUR SUCCESS with Terez “Firewoman” Hartmann

Terez “Firewoman” Hartmann,“Your catalyst for all things Fab-YOU-lous,” is the author of Allowing Your Success!, a proud contributing author of Transform Your Life! book one and two, a professional Keynote Speaker/Workshop Facilitator, Singer-Songwriter/Recording Artist, “Allowing Adventures!” & “Savor Vacation” Facilitator, and true Renaissance Woman, and Visionary. She keeps her fire lit by embracing and promoting a lifestyle of “Allowing,” and by using creative expression to elevate and ignite the human spirit, a passion that she shares with her husband, soul-mate and creative partner of over 15 years, John Victor Hartmann. Together they share “Allowing TRUE LOVE” workshops and experiences designed to help others attract, allow, and maintain extraordinary relationships, and create custom jingles and voice-overs in their studio, THE Creativity Express. Visit: http://www.TerezFirewoman.com

There is a Place

by Dreama Vance

is a place within me. T here I call it the dwelling place.

It is a place where I can sit down and just be. It is a place where I can rest. I can let go of all the cares and worries of the world. I can be quiet and shut out the noise of the day. So sometimes I call it the resting place.

It flows over me, rocking me, soothing and calming. Like a babe rocked in mother’s arms, held close to the heart, the fretfulness falls away. Peace is restored. I can breathe again, I notice, as I release a deep sigh.

The dwelling place. It renews me. It restores me. I want It is a place. It is a place to live in this place all the within me where I can go and time. That is why I call it be still. the dwelling place. I want to reside here, dwell here. I Just for five minutes I can know such peace in this place. rest and be still. I feel beautiful here; beauty surrounds me. I don’t have to pray. I don’t have to ask for anything. I feel nurtured here in this I don’t have to save the place. All of the broken pieces world, and I don’t have to of me are knit up. I’m not be spiritual. I don’t have to broken any more. I am made use the right words or the whole again. right techniques to find God, understand God or have I notice the Sun is shining God do anything for me. gently, smiling on my spirit. Everything is gentle in this I can just rest and be still. place. It is a place of ease and flow. Ease and flow. I Oh, it is a blessed place to just be quiet and not have to call this grace. This grace flows through me and I am do anything. part of it. As I rest in this place within my being, it feels like the lap It is my dwelling place. of water against the side of a It is my dwelling place. moored sailboat. That gentle rocking motion, so soothing.

New Reality Wellness with Dreama Vance Dreama Vance is a New Reality wellness expert and cofounder of the Spiritual Dynamics Academy. While her insights into spiritual truths are legendary, her specialty is research into effective methods of healing and attaining wellness of mind, body and spirit. After years of exploring healing modalities, she has become expert in three that are highly powerful and effective. Her current research involves tuning into Gaia, the Mother Earth, to discover more about the inner secrets of Gaia’s ancient wisdom teachings. Find out more at www.spiritualdynamics.net.

Life is Precious By Linda Commito

Life is Precious

Painting Credits: Jill Krasner

Recent headlines made me gasp. Anthony Bourdain, the well-loved chef and travelling host of a popular gourmet TV series, died at the age of 61. When I learned that he had hung himself in his French hotel room, I was deeply saddened. What is it that made him—or any human being for that matter—choose to end his life? At the pinnacle of his career, he seemed to be living the life that others could only dream about. Despite the adulation and acknowledgment of what he and his work meant to them, none of it mattered in the end. Why? Some suicides may be more understandable—those suffering from mental illness, depression, dementia, untreatable illness, drug or alcohol addiction—but it can happen to anyone in any class, country, profession, age or race. Studies show that half of those who commit suicide do not have a mental illness. We may know people who talk about ending their life. There’s little or nothing we can do about it other than continue to let them know how much they mean to us and encourage them to seek professional help. Even when they are verbal about it, which is a positive sign, you can’t follow someone around 24-7. And we may never get that chance because they masterfully hide the signs of what they are planning or it is a sudden decision with no warning. I had a college roommate who was socially awkward and kept to herself most of the time. I invited her to visit my family, since hers lived out of state, and tried to include her in activities. But one night, after going out for the evening, I walked into an empty room. My roommate had been taken to the hospital after an overdose of pills. If she hadn’t vomited, gotten scared and sought help from a friend of mine, I would have

While there may be little or nothing we can do if someone is determined to end their life, we can do what we can every day to make others feel noticed, appreciated, loved. come home to a note that said: “I’ve gone to bed early.” I could have tiptoed around a dark room only to find my roommate dead the following morning. I saw her briefly as she left the college and I was sad, but grateful that she had gotten help in time. It was only years later that she “let me in” through a letter that helped me to understand. Sadly, such stories are more common today. (I.e. suicides are up 30 percent since 1999). Why, with all of the tools to supposedly connect us—cell phones, computers, social media—are we feeling more alone, hopeless and isolated than ever? There may be people we work with, socialize or dine with, or just pass by who are struggling with inner battles. While there may be little or nothing we can do if someone is determined to end their life, we can do what we can every day to make others feel noticed, appreciated, loved. We never know how our kind words or actions can make a positive difference in someone else’s life. How can we include others or just see them, truly see them, as someone important? How can we listen in a way that makes someone feel heard even if

it’s just for a few moments? A good male friend, normally upbeat, shared with me his despair over the ending of his long-term relationship. Although we lived in different states, I told him: “I am calling you every day, no matter what, to check in.” And I did for over a month until he was doing better, at which point he said with his usual humor, “You saved my butt!” While we can’t do that for every person, what if we put down our cell phones and look around and engage with people in a way that lets them know that they are not alone, that someone cares? We are there at that moment as a witness to their life. Can we not say hello, smile, offer a helping hand? Just showing up can help someone to see that life is precious. These headlines do more than shock us, they focus our attention on what is lacking in our lives, our society, our world. How can we use them as a wake-up call to give our attention to who and what is really important and who may be right in front of our eyes? How can we start each day appreciating our own life and the lives of those around us. It’s not too late..

If you do know someone who is struggling, suffering or who needs help, the national suicide hotline is 1-800-273-8255. Pass it on. Feedback: Have you or someone you love considered ending their life? What is it that helped to come to an understanding of the value of our one precious life?

Love is the New Currency with Linda Commito Linda Commito, author, speaker, entrepreneur, consultant and teacher, is passionate about her vision to leave this world a kinder, more compassionate and interconnected place. Her award-winning book of inspirational stories, Love is the New Currency, demonstrates how we can each make a positive difference in the lives of others through simple acts of love and kindness. Visit www.loveisthenewcurrency.com for more information and/or to sign up for an uplifting monthly newsletter. Read about everyday acts of kindness on www.FB.com/kindnesscollaborative. Linda believes that in order to inspire a kinder world the place to start is with children. She volunteered at a Title One elementary school, working with over 500 students, to create and facilitate “Kindness Starts with Me,» a program which includes a website (www. kindnessstartswithme.com) and a book for children.

From Wanderlust to Canine-Friendly Travel Adventures

How a special dogâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s life helped inspire an entrepreneur to launch an adventure tour company that includes manâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s best friend.

By Lisa Cedrone

background. He was about 18 months old and 48 hours from being euthanized.”

“From the minute we left there together, Max never willingly left my side or let me out of his sight.”

“Max was and is the inspiration for a lot of things in my life. He was a true part of me.”—David Blank Sometimes a story grabs hold of your heart, and that’s exactly what happened to me three years ago when I read about David Blank and his dog Max in Wendy Cooper’s animal communication e-newsletter*. When I later reached out to David to share his story in Transformation Coaching Magazine, he wanted to wait until launching an adventure tour company that was inspired by his world travels with Max. Time rolled along, David and I touched base occasionally, and the original email held a steadfast place at the bottom of my inbox, never forgotten. Good stories, like successful business plans, take time to come together— and this one did when David and his wife, Claudia Fabrega, along with their dogs Dozer and Margie, opened Happy Tails Canine Adventure Tours in April 2018**. The Charlotte, NC-based business offers a wide range of canine-friendly outings and trips from a four-hour “Howl At The Moon” full moon kayak and paddleboard tour to an eight-day adventure throughout the U.S. Southwest. A professional tour guide and canine trainer, David has been to all but one of the 50 U.S. states and 45 countries since starting his travel guide career in 1993. He has lived and worked in countries including Panama, Ecuador, China and France, and he even once hitchhiked from the United

States to Guatemala to learn Spanish. While in Panama in 2007 he met Claudia, a native of the country and an attorney with a master’s degree in Maritime Law. At the time, both Max and Dozer were part of David’s family, and Claudia fell in love with them all. Claudia and David married in 2009, but this story actually begins in 2000, when David was laid off from his job in marketing at Rosenbluth International, a large Philadelphia-based travel management company, not long after completing his MBA at Thunderbird School of Global Management. David was looking for a new job when Max entered the picture, and he helped David to change the direction of his career, fuel his lifelong passion for travel and adventure, and plant the seeds for Happy Tails Canine Adventure Tours. “I had known for years that I wanted an Australian Cattle Dog,” says David. “The rescue organization wouldn’t give me one because I lived in an apartment, but they knew I had done my research. Then one Friday, a woman from the rescue called me about Max. He had been in the shelter for three months as a stray, and no one knew his

A few days after bringing Max home, David was offered a job with a new company. It was an excellent opportunity with a stake in the business, but it would require up to 80-hours per week at a desk. David accepted. Later, when he returned home, David found that Max had destroyed some of his favorite things. David was upset but, after almost two years in a corporate job, he realized that Max was trying to tell him something important: He didn’t want to spend all of his time inside working in an office. And the dog was right. David called the company back and said he had reconsidered and...

...instead of becoming chained to a desk, he took off on a one-year motorcycle journey through the United States, Canada and Mexico with Max in a large crate on the back of his bike. They traveled over 20,000 miles on that trip, and it was the beginning of a heartfelt relationship that lasted until Max crossed the “Rainbow Bridge” at 14 and a half years old. David puts it into perspective: “Max traveled with me through 10 countries in North, Central and South America. He has been rafting, kayaking, tubing on the Rio Grande, and he flew to South America. He protected me at night when we camped out. He attacked the police that tried to rob us in Mexico. And he was my friend. Max saved my life, and he changed my life.” Pets often come into our lives

Pets often come into our lives as our spiritual guides, best friends and constant companions.

*http://www.animalcommunication.biz/Max.html

**http://www.happytailstours.com/transform

as our spiritual guides, best friends and constant companions. They can inspire us—and they also can serve as life coaches or even business partners, as in David and Claudia’s case. I had the chance to ask David some questions about his love of the outdoors and animals, what our pets can teach us, and how he turned his soul’s calling into an entrepreneurial business venture. Here’s what he has to share:

Transformation: Tell me about your passion for exploring/ traveling and the outdoors?

David: I have always loved to travel. When I was in college in Boulder, Colorado, I did a lot of road trips around the Southwest to climb, ski and camp. When I was 20, I went to Europe for four months by myself and backpacked. Then the travel bug really hit me when I was backpacking through East and South Africa in 1992 with my friend Celine. We met a 7-foot tall New Zealander named Rob who was an overland tour guide, and once I learned that I could get paid to travel I was hooked. I began working for a company called Trek America in the United States in April of 1993. A friend once asked me why I do all the crazy things I do. After some serious consideration, I responded:

“I do the things that others are afraid to do because I’m afraid to do the things that others do!” “I do the things that others are afraid to do because I’m afraid to do the things that others do!” I’m not made to sit at a desk. I grew up on a farm, and I guess that my love of animals and being outdoors is part of me. I remember my first week of graduate school. They put us in cohort groups, and the first day we had to tell the person next to us who we were in two minutes, and then that person did the same, and then we introduced each other to the rest of the group. My partner Aaron stood up and said: “This is David, and I don’t know what else to say about him other than he’s been doing what we all wish we had been doing with our lives for the past three years!” At that moment, I felt the weight of the world come off of my shoulders. While living the life of my dreams, traveling all over North America, I had been hearing my father’s voice in the back of my mind saying, “That’s great! I’m glad you are having a good time. But when are you going to get a real job?”

Unfortunately, I didn’t have the confidence or self-awareness at that time to realize that what he should have said and— more importantly—what I should have said to myself was,

“You seem to be really good at this, and you obviously love it! Why don’t you see if you can figure out how to make this gift your life’s work?” It would be another six years before I would go back to guiding, working as a raft guide and ski instructor in Taos, New Mexico in 2003.

Transformation: Tell me about your relationship with Max and dogs in general?

David: Animals are incredibly powerful beings that help us to connect with nature and with our true and often better Self. People often say of rescue animals, “Who saved who?” There is no question

Happy Tails Canine Adventure Tours founders David Blank and Claudia Fabrega, along with their dogs Dozer and Margie (in front).

that Max transformed my life. Taking off on a motorcycle with him one month after the adoption was an amazing adventure. I don’t think anything can be a better bonding experience for a dog and a human than traveling together. Dogs, like humans, are pack animals. They are always testing us to make sure that as the leader we can be in charge and take care of things. It’s in their nature. They do it in their own packs in the wild. In the Mask of Masculinity, Lewis Howe writes: “If you don’t [project an image of strength or confidence that other people can lean on], the people around you feel anxious, scared or unprotected.” A weak leader is a danger to the pack, just like a weak mind is a danger. Over the years I’ve often heard that negative voice in my head, which I see as a selfprotective construct that develops in childhood. It’s always testing to see if it needs to protect; if I am not in charge, it can and will take over—and nothing good seems to come from it. So it is with dogs. Many times dogs’ behavioral issues develop because we don’t know how to communicate clearly to the dog: “I have this. It’s no big deal. Everything is cool.” That’s why Happy Tails Canine Adventure Tours is so transformational. It’s all about building that strong relationship through clear communication with our dogs and our true Self—and really connecting.

I never realized until now that doing what I love and utilizing my gift is actually important—and it is a service of great value to people. Transformation: How was Max the inspiration for starting Happy Tails Canine Adventure Tours, and what other factors played into starting the company? David: Max was and is the inspiration for a lot of things in my life. He was a true part of me. But the company is bigger than even Max because it’s about our relationship and about helping others to have that same type of experience, that type of relationship. It’s about my amazing wife Claudia and how we are creating our vision of spending our life traveling with our dogs and sharing our passion with others, transforming their thinking and their lives. It’s about me finally coming out of hiding, letting go of trying to be what I thought I was supposed to be and do, and instead embracing who I am as an adventure travel guide and a person. I have been blessed in my career as a guide to frequently have clients tell me things like, “You were the best guide we’ve ever had.” For me, being a good guide is easy because I love it so much. However, I

never really took those compliments and my gift into my heart. I guess I always felt I was doing something inferior because I wasn’t in an office making big money, living up to my “potential.” I never realized until now that doing what I love and utilizing my gift is actually important—and it is a service of great value to people.

Transformation: What advice can you give to other people looking to merge their passion with purpose into a business?

David: Never give up on your dream and never quit. I’ve tried a lot of things in my life. I gave up a lot. Recently, I realized that the only way we could fail with Happy Tails Canine Adventure Tours is if I give up. I keep reminding myself that successful people move from one failure to the next with enthusiasm. And they write—a lot. Write about why you want to do it. I’m not talking about a business plan. Just write and eventually your true passion and dreams will come out.

Author’s note: Visit https://www.HappyTailsTours.com/Transform for more information on tours and to sign up for an e-mail newsletter with information on new tours and specials. Follow the company: Instagram at https://Instagram.com/ HappyTailsTours and Facebook at https://www.Facebook.com/HappyTailsTours.

Dragonfly Nation with Lisa Cedrone Lisa Cedrone is the editor of Transformation Coaching Magazine and a freelance editor, writer and graphic designer based in Sarasota, FL. She also currently serves as the executive director of the C. G. Jung Society of Sarasota. Prior to starting her freelance company, DragonFly Nation, LLC, Lisa was an editor in chief for two of the “Top 10” business-to-business publishers in the United States. Contact her at Lisa@suncoasttransformation.com.

See With New Eyes

By Mary Boutieller

“Like all great travellers, I have seen more than I remember, and remember more than I have seen.” — Benjamin Disraeli

Traveling has always been good for my soul. It allows me to see with new eyes, and it opens up my heart just a little bit more. I love to travel, as I always come home with some takeaways—lessons and observations that help me see and appreciate the life I have been given. Recently, my husband, John, and I traveled to the beautiful country of Ireland where, in many ways, we felt that we had stepped back in time. Ireland is an amazing country full of history, old ruins and castles, rugged coastlines and rolling hills and mountains. We were fortunate to spend three weeks there, so we had plenty of time to really dig in and see a lot of the country. Here are some of the takeaways I gleaned from our experiences abroad:

Takeaway #1: It really is okay to slow down and smell the peat moss (or roses). One of the goals we had on this trip was to try our best to take it slow, and to see what we could see. We often found ourselves on a beach, near the edge of a cliff, or on a mountaintop, just sitting and taking in the scenery. So many times, I got a bit misty-eyed as I watched waves crashing into shore or birds soaring around the cliffs. I was in awe of it all. We took the time to watch, to listen, to hear, and to observe life around us in all of its beautiful and mysterious ways. I wondered often if I could take this simple approach home—slow down,

observe, listen—and be in the environment instead of moving through it to get somewhere else. We so often get through our days in a blur going from Point A to Point B, and then comment on how fast the days go by. If we just slowed down, we might find that time also slows down!

Takeaway #2: It is just not hard to be nice, to be cordial, to be patient. Sometimes I think we can forget that as we go from place to place and do the things we need to do. In Ireland, I think we heard one car horn honk at someone—just once in three weeks! It was noticeably absent. And that wasn’t because everybody drove so well—trust me on that one, or that bicycles or people were out of the way…it’s just not done, apparently. Even when we’d cross the road a little too slowly or go the wrong way on a one-way street, we didn’t get honked at or yelled at or waved frantically at—and it really made a difference. It was quieter and calmer and more relaxed. People were friendly and courteous—not overly, not gushingly, just polite, even if they were trying to get to work or closing up shop. I thought how easy it can be sometimes for “locals” in the United States to get impatient with tourists…those who may not speak the language very well or know where they are going, and it’s all unnecessary. We will get where we are going and

do what we have to do, but how we behave is a direct reflection on us—and maybe on where we live and who we are as people. I want to remember this always.

Takeaway #3: Doing something different is good for you! In Ireland, you drive on the opposite side of the road—not the wrong side of the road (thank goodness John was driving!). Other things were different too, like the way the showers worked, or the signage on the roads, certain words, phrases or pronounciations, and that was part of the fun. More than once, we would wonder what the heck that road sign meant, or hear a turn of phrase that we thought was interesting (like half 9, which meant 9:30, or treetirty—which is 3:30—no “h” sound). But the takeaway was that we could have our “way” and still embrace their “way” without anything having to be right or wrong. And that it was not only good for us (brain neurons firing away), but it was fun!

Takeaway #4: When crossing the road, look both ways (twice), hold hands and run! Since the cars in Ireland drive on the opposite side of the road, we had to keep reminding ourselves to “look right, look left, look right and left again, grab

How often do we trust ourselves to listen to our intuition; to take the road less traveled; to try something new and untested? 30

each other’s hand and run, because invariably we would not look the correct way for traffic and end up giggling a mild expletive while running across the road. More importantly, we held hands—we helped each other, and we didn’t get honked at either!

Takeaway #5: Nature is so freaking awesome— and healing—and meditative— and needs no other explanation. Every time we got out there, we felt better, we healed, we moved our bodies and expanded our minds.

Takeaway #6: Plan as much as you want or need to plan to be comfortable, but then be open to spontaneity! We planned a fair amount of the trip—knowing the general direction we would be heading and booking all of our accommodations in advance. We had sights to see and places to go—with no less than three guidebooks (we left the fourth at home), so we felt ready to roll. And then we would see a sign or an interesting ruin off in the distance, or a cool road or town or lunch spot, and we would stop. What we found was that the unexpected turned out to be the best. The nontouristy stuff was so cool and interesting and uncrowded. In a sense, we trusted ourselves to go where the wind took us. Doing this uncovered a whole oth-

er world—hiking to a mountain vista without using a trail and being the only ones up there; pulling into a town just as a bagpipe band competition was about to start; taking a shortcut that was described as this: “walk down the road, past a wooden fence where you’ll see bluebonnets in the field and one or two goats, turn there and walk up the long narrow road…or you can take the car to the parking lot.” We took the dubiously described shortcut, which lead us up a small country road with wildflowers and sheep and laundry hanging out in the wind, beautiful scenery all around us…all before we even started our intended hike! How often do we trust ourselves to listen to our intuition; to take the road less traveled; to try something new and untested? Some of the best things in life can be experienced this way. All of life doesn’t reside in a guidebook or an instruction manual, and sometimes that can be scary, but it is so worth it if you are willing to give it a go.

morning and opened my eyes, looking out the window, I smiled and realized what an amazing and wonderful life I have right here. Then I took a shower and realized I love my shower! Then I talked with family and dear friends, and just hearing their voices made my heart sing. Once again, I am filled with gratitude, with love, and with an appreciation for all that is in my life. We don’t have to go away to realize any of this but, once again, I’m happy for the reminder. Henry Miller said,

“One’s destination is never a place, but always a new way of seeing things.”

Travel helps me with perspective. It helps me remember that people all over the world are the same—kind, respectful, helpful, making their way through as best they can. And I know that we don’t have to travel This one always comes at the far to gain that perspective – just step outend of my travels. side your front door and see what you might Home is where my heart feels see that is both ordinary and extraordinary. best. Although we had an incredible trip, my thoughts were never too far from home – from family and friends and all that makes my life so worthwhile. We got home late at night, and as I woke the next

Takeaway #7:

The Yoga of Life with Mary Boutieller Mary Boutieller is a Registered Yoga Teacher through Yoga Alliance. She has been teaching yoga since 2005. Her work experience includes 22 years as a firefighter/paramedic and 10 years as a Licensed Massage Therapist. Mary’s knowledge and experience give her a well-rounded understanding of anatomy, alignment, health and movement in the body. She is passionate about the benefits of yoga and the ability to heal at all levels through awareness, compassion, and a willingness to explore. She can be reached at: SimplyogaOm@gmail.com.

I’m Right, You’re Wrong

By Gregg Sanderson

I would rather be right than president.—Henry Clay If we could distill all the needs that cause unhappiness, the product would be the Need to be Right. This ingrained BS (Belief System) is the core of conflict, champion of the “J”s,* and a major speed bump on the road to happiness. A friend once led a discussion group on the need to be right. They lamented its pervasiveness among the members of the church down the street. They viewed the others as unenlightened and closed-minded. Not once did anybody suggest members of their own group might have a need to be right. When I suggested another point of view, they responded with anger. They alluded to a physically impossible position for my head. Another friend prefaces every opinion with a condescending put-down of anyone who might differ. He’s a master of the non sequitur. Disagree and he’ll change

you MUST be right and prove others wrong. It triggers all the unhappy emotions that rob you of perspective, self esteem and love. Through childhood, adulthood and old age, we never get a reward for being wrong. The programming is so constant and so intense we don’t even know it’s happening. None of us are immune, dammit. As you can see in the examples above, the need can’t even recognize itself. We wear psychological blinders, and not a mirror in sight. There ought to be an infallible way for us to spot this BS within ourselves so we can upgrade it. There is. Emotions are the best and most obvious indicators of the need to be right. The “J”s are excellent indicators, especially Judgment and Justification. Judgment deals with “It’s not OK” and often produces anger or frustration. If you’re WHAT’S WRONG WITH angry or resentful, what are you judging? BEING RIGHT? Justification is a reaction to the Nothing at all. It’s comfortable fear of “I’m not OK.” Fear and guilt are more to be right. subtle come to the surface less frequently. But I’m talking about the NEED to When you justify, chances are there’s a fear be right. It’s the unconscious BS that says lurking somewhere. the subject and never miss a beat. Ridicule and insult are his stock in trade, and, if you ask, he’ll tell you how accepting and open minded he is. He’s a lot of fun at parties. Once convinced of their cause or point of view, with the need to be right, they declare all others wrong. It’s a matter of self-defense. If they’re right you must be wrong. It’s up to them to convince you of the error of your ways. They often misrepresent other points of view. Then they critique the distorted model they create. It’s the “straw person” argument, and renders rationality to the dustbin of discourse. You find it often in discussions of religion and politics. I’ll bet you can think of plenty of people who fit these patterns. Might they think of you if they read this?

*Check out the examples of the “J”s in last month’s issue of Transformation Coaching. You’ll see how they relate to the fear and anger.

What are you feeling? Do you get upset when somebody expresses an opinion you disagree with? (Justification), How do you feel in the “Under 10-Items” checkout lane when a person in front of you has 11 items? (Judgment). Do you call other drivers names when they creep along in the left lane? (Both) In any situation where you get upset, consider it an opportunity to upgrade the BS. Then, without the pressure of the need to be right, you can make choices for your best outcome. You’ll see options you

had overlooked before. TAKE MY ADVICE. DON’T GIVE ADVICE. One special facet of the need to be right is advice without consent. Unsolicited advice leads to resistance and often rebellion. It can be as harmful as physical brutality. I can think of nothing that can add distance to a relationship more quickly. Yet all too often, a simple sharing is interpreted as a request for advice. It’s often given with a genuine concern out of friendship or parental wisdom. I remember how I rebellious I

felt when, as a teen, I’d get sage advice from my parents. No doubt my kids felt the same way when I shared my brilliance with them. A wise friend said, “Notice how miserable your advisors are.” Any advice you offer is suspect if you haven’t solved the same problem as your advisee. Would you get financial advice from a barber, or hair styling from a banker? I hope not. The safest advice you can give in any situation is, “Do what you want.” *What, you don’t have last month’s issue and don’t know about the “J”s? You can fix that right away. Mention my name and I’ll get you a free subscription.

Happiness is BS with Gregg Sanderson

Gregg Sanderson is author of Spirit With A Smile, The World According To BOB. He is a licensed practitioner in the Centers for Spiritual Living, and a Certified Trainer for Infinite Possibilities. His earlier books were, What Ever Happened To Happily Ever After? and Split Happens—Easing The Pain Of Divorce. His latest project is the New Thought Global Network, where subscribers can enjoy the best in New Thought presentations from anywhere at any time. You can see it at http://www.newthoughtglobal.org.

Stop Black-and-White-Thinking

by Rena Greenberg

Food is not love, friendship, comfort or happiness. Food is nourishment and sustenance for your physical body and your mental health, and it needs to be selected with these points in mind.

When it comes to weight loss, the biggest mistake people repeatedly make is falling prey to black-and-white thinking. The all-or-nothing mentality of being “on a diet” or “off a diet” creates predictable failure. The key to success is wiping out this kind of self-defeating mentality and adopting a more global approach focused on progress rather than perfection. Mistakes are a normal part of any process in life, but the key is learning from them instead of repeating them. Avoid letting them become habits. Everything has the potential to become a habit, including our thoughts. Therefore, we must be vigilant about witnessing our thoughts and our actions and choosing to nurture only those that lead us to the result we want.

Remember, it’s not “good” or “bad,” “right” or “wrong,” but, rather, what is the outcome your heart’s desires and do your thoughts, words and actions support that. If not—don’t beat yourself up—simply make the required adjustment as you would in all other areas of your life. When your focus is on the higher quality of life you are creating for yourself, it becomes easier to avoid sneaking or trying to get away with something in those moments when you feel weak and, instead, stay on track with the highest vision for your life. If you were driving from New York to Los Angeles and found yourself in Michigan, you wouldn’t just keep going to Canada, would you? Of course, not! You would turn around and that’s what’s required of you in the areas of health, weight management and happiness!

HERE ARE SOME TIPS TO HELP YOU DO JUST THAT:

processed foods taste great by adding a continue, which is what you want! small amount of healthy fat such as olive oil, cheese, nuts, nut butters or avocado. 8. REMEMBER, NOTHING TASTES AS Also, freely add fresh or dried herbs such GOOD AS HEALTHY FEELS. That is the truth! Imagine with all of 1. PLAN AHEAD. as cilantro, dill, basil or cumin and natural your senses that you are fit, feeling sexy, conDid you ever see a new mom run sea salt to your foods. fident, successful and beautiful at your ideal out of the house with her baby but have no 5. REMEMBER BALANCE. weight. This achievement is priceless and time to bring a stocked diaper bag? It doesn’t If you slip up just select more you must remember that it can be yours! happen! You need to give yourself the same veggies and protein the next time you love and respect. Plan for the predictable 9. KEEP SEEING YOURSELF AND FEELtimes when you will get hungry during the feel hungry. Remember that fiber is a day (breakfast, lunch and dinner) and have great filler and a fantastic blood sugar ING YOUR BODY THIN AND HEALTHY. Focus on how great it feels to be at your healthy food available at those times, balancer (lots of times we feel hungry just your ideal weight. Affirm your own success, because our blood sugar is fluctuating). no matter where you are, regardless of what “I’m absolutely determined to succeed. I am you are doing. Put yourself first! 6. STAY AWAY FROM TRIGGERS. succeeding. Small portions satisfy me.” Though you are not on a diet, you 2. MAKE PROTEIN WITH VEGETABLES must identify and avoid trigger foods to be 10. EAT ONLY WHEN YOU ARE YOUR STAPLES successful. Sure you want to eat whatever PHYSICALLY HUNGRY. ...with much smaller amounts you want whenever you want, but you have Eat only just enough to satisfy your of complex carbs. If you are a carb addict to change your thinking so you don’t want physical hunger and no more. Food is not (which is very likely if you struggle with your foods that cause you to lose control. love, friendship, comfort or happiness. Food weight and food) you need to cut back on or If you had a person in your life is nourishment and sustenance for your even eliminate simple, processed carbs. It’s who was causing you perpetual harm, afphysical body and your mental health, and also probably best if you are mindful of even ter awhile you would most likely decide to it needs to be selected with these points in the healthy starches you eat (such as potaavoid him or her. In some cases, moderamind. Bad eating causes mental and physitoes, yams and whole grains) and eat them only in combination with protein, healthy tion doesn’t work and that is true when it cal problems and, in contrast, good, healthy, comes to obvious triggers. Mine is sugar moderate eating creates vibrant health and fat and lots of water-rich greens. and sweeteners. It’s likely that is the case energy. Which do you prefer?! for you, too. The good news is that after 3. YOU ARE NOT ON A DIET—EVER. (Dieting causes deprivation, which awhile you won’t even miss those items 11. PRAY FOR THE STRENGTH TO DO leads to out-of-control eating). However, it’s anymore. Just like time heals all wounds, WHAT IT TAKES SO THAT YOU CAN BE necessary to retrain your mind to associate staying away from an addictive substance AT YOUR HEALTHIEST harmful foods that tempt you with the pain lessens the desire to indulge, so it truly can ...to make your highest contributhey cause, so you aren’t seduced by them. be effortless to avoid the offending food(s). tions in life. Choose mindfulness and awareness regarding your foods, feelings and 7. IF A SLIP UP OCCURS, DON’T 4. EAT FOODS YOU LIKE thoughts. ...and make sure that the foods FOCUS ON HOW GOOD A FOOD 12. BE PATIENT. you do eat always taste good to you. This is TASTED It’s not a sprint, but rather a marapart of avoiding deprivation. After all, food ...but rather on the bad feelings is one of the pleasures of life. However, you it caused for you later, such as physical thon. Take your time. Learn a lot. Be easy have to retrain your subconscious mind to discomfort or emotional anguish (i.e., and gentle on yourself. Learn to love and acknow that healthy food tastes great, and guilt and shame). This will help to prevent cept yourself exactly as you are. Identify and the less you eat the more you enjoy the de- further relapse. If you keep remembering learn from your mistakes—with compassion. Enjoy the journey. You are worth it! licious taste of the food you are taking into the “good” taste—you only create more your body. You can make your healthy, un- desire for the same, and the cycle will

Love Life, Live Happy, Live Healthy with Rena Greenberg Rena Greenberg, a Hay House author, can be reached at EasyWillpower.com. Her weight loss and gastric bypass hypnosis success has been featured in 150-plus news stories including USA Today, Woman’s World, The Doctor’s, CNN, Good Morning America and Nightline. PBS stations nationally aired Rena’s show, “Easy Willpower,” in August 2015. Her wellness program is sponsored in 75 hospitals and 100-plus corporations. She conducts hypnotherapy sessions with people all over the world on Skype.

The Drama Triangle, Part 2

The Drama Triangle

By Lotus Josiah Seng

In Part 2 of this article, we look at how to help clients break through the Drama Triangle and get on the road to healthier relationships.

grammed to play all three roles. More- trapped in Drama Triangle with is mother over, the Drama Triangle is not static; it O.J. and his partner at any given time: is in motion. The players move quickly V.J. starts a relationship because he and reactively from one role to another; desires sex and a roof over his head in other words, they swap between roles. while he is playing the role of enIt is important to recognize the trepreneur (or working a job as he signs and different behaviors in the roles. calls it). Unsuccessful phone calls, Your energy levels as a coach are impactmeetings, traveling to foreign couned by the cycle of the Drama Triangle, and tries, and then add a frustrated partclients stuck in the cycle show symptoms ner who’s suffering from this lifeof burnout and depression. When those style. During the honeymoon phase involved acknowledge and recognize that it’s exciting. New imprints, exciting the root of the drama cycle is fear, that’s stories, but after a while it turns into when they can start stepping out of the a burden and V.J.’s success rates are problems and making changes. questioned. Meanwhile, V.J.’s mother, O.J., leans on him because her social security check is insufficient to fund her alcoholic habits. O.J. reminds VG that she gave birth to him, so he owes her. V.J. either moves her What the rescuer doesn’t recin or gets her an apartment close ognize is that, by assisting and rescuing enough to maintain the tightknit rethe victim, behaviors become stagnate. lationship… A rescuer tries to protect the victim from V.J.’s partners and V.J. are enablers. more pain, and, as a result, prevents O.J and V.J. don’t have to change because that person from learning to manage the V.J. will always come to O.J.’s rescue, and pain. In the position of the rescuer, an V.J. handpicks women whom he can rescue individual tries hard to help the victim, to make him feel good about himself. There while the victim sits back and accepts are no profound consequences for their becriticism. Victims reject ownership of haviors. V.J. believes in the illusion he can their problems. As long as the rescuers always rescue O.J. V. J.’s partner accepts his rescue, the victims don’t face their own sorry when he blows up, and, if not, he’ll problems. In other words, there’s no transformation or change if you contin- find another person to play the role. If V.J. ue to rescue the victim. It’s understand- became aware that he believed in an illuable that someone wants to help when sion, and that he would never be able to he or she care about someone, but real- take responsibility for O.J.’ s happiness, ize that only that person is the one who’s then O.J. may have a chance. If V.J. accepted his fears of rejection, he could work on working hard—not the victim. You hear the rescuer make his fear and stay with one partner instead of jumping ship and using O.J. or his kids from statements such as: a previous marriage as an excuse to avoid • “As long as I can influence him, working on himself. there’s hope for a change.” Both O.J. and V.J. need to learn to • “If I don’t help her, then the situastand on their own feet, rather than finding a tion will get out of control” crutch or excuses for misfortune and failure • “If I don’t help, he will break in their lives. down.”

The Drama Triangle, which was developed by Stephen Karpman, is a practical interpretation of Transactional Analysis (TA), which was introduced by Eric Berne in the middle of the 20th Century. TA is defined as: “a system of popular psychology based on the idea that one’s behavior and social relationships reflect an interchange between parental (critical and nurturing), adult (rational), and childlike (intuitive and dependent) aspects of personality established early in life.” First, let’s revisit a breakdown of the roles* in the Drama Triangle, which were explored in more detail and with examples in Part 1 of this article, which appeared in the June issue of Transformation Coaching Magazine. The Victim: “Poor me!” The victim feels victimized, oppressed, helpless, hopeless, powerless, ashamed, and seems unable to make decisions, solve problems, take pleasure in life or achieve insight. The victim, if not being persecuted, will seek out a Persecutor and also a rescuer, who will save the day but also perpetuate the victim’s negative feelings. The Rescuer: “Let me help you.” A classic enabler, the rescuer feels guilty if he/ she doesn’t go to the rescue. Yet this rescuing has negative effects: It keeps the victim dependent and gives the victim permission to fail. The rewards derived from this rescue role are that the focus is taken off of the rescuer. This rescue role is also very pivotal because a rescuer’s primary interest is actually an avoidance of personal problems disguised as concern for the victim’s needs. • “If I stop my assistance, she will be The Prosecutor: (a.k.a., Persecutor unhappy” or Villain) “It’s all your fault.” The prosecuLet’s go back to the example tor is controlling, blaming, critical, oppresNot matter how much someone atof V.J. and O.J. from Part 1 of this article. sive, angry, authoritative, rigid and superior. tempts to rescue, it is the victim who must V.J. is a man who cannot have healthy *Source: Wikipedia, “Karpman Drama Triangle.” decide to make a transformation. We can Most of us are neurologically pro- relationships with women because he is encourage the victim to accept ownership of

RECOGNIZE THE SIGNS

STOP ENABLING

the problem and support the fact that there is a problem, but the rescuer must step out of the Drama Triangle, too. By maintaining the situation and the role, the victim doesn’t have to face fears and pain, but the victim must take ownership of this pain and act. As coaches, we can encourage the victim to manage the pain rather than protect that individual from the pain. Under normal circumstances, a person experiencing pain and discomfort actively tries to change instead of remaining passive. There’s a control issue in this situation, rather than anger, that moves the person:

“I have had it, and I am going to make a change.” When someone stops playing the role of rescuer, he must be prepared for rejections, protests and obstructions. The prosecutor will fight and obstruct any change and turn the tables trying to guilt trip us, making statements such as: • “You can’t do this to me.” • “You owe me.” • “I thought I could trust you.” • “Only you can make me happy.” • “I thought you were my friend.”

The prosecutor will attempt to make the rescuer feel guilty and try to change his mind and stance, making him doubt if he is making the right judgment call. When a victim/prosecutor deflects, he is avoiding the discussion about the actual issues. Victims usually don’t assume this role on purpose; it happens when they are unaware of their own abilities, strengths and options.

truly feel. The rescuer must admit he/she is tired of rescuing and than set boundaries. The victim must admit he/she has not accepted full ownership of the problem. Emotional transparency implies that both parties need to learn to discuss their needs and deepest feelings—feelings such as abuse, pain, shame, pain, sadness, fear, disappointment and anger. The most difficult admission is: “I need you.” When two people express they are both in an equally vulnerable position, a true bond is made possible. Such a conversation and connection can only take place if they allow each other the space and opportunity to speak their mind and heart. When there is a In the Drama Triangle, there is set time and place to discuss such a matter not an authentic connection between both parties must be emotional available. the victim and the rescuer. Both lack transparency and honesty about their true feelings. At this point, an open and honest conversation—facilitated by a coach—can reveal the patterns and roles in the Drama Triangle. It’s a dance where both victim and rescuer keep each other captive until a breakthrough happens. Sometimes the victim transforms the rescuer and vice versa. In this process, coaches can facilitate a dialog between both parties and provide clues as to how to start a new conversation. The real connection starts when people connect with how they

BREAK THROUGH THE DRAMA TRIANGLE.

Trust yourself as a coach and you can create a that safe environment for dialogue.

Map. Your. Future. with Lotus Josiah Seng, Ph.D. Lotus Josiah Seng, MA., Ph.D., is a Certified Change Management Professional; Certified and Associated IWCA Master Coach; Master Expert NLP; Certified Expert Lean Management Practitioner; and CSSB. She is the owner of ETSbyLotus, LLC, a coaching, mediation and consulting firm with offices in Washington, D.C., Maryland, Virginia and New York. Currently, five coaches are affiliated with the firm. ETS’ team has more than 25 years of accumulative experience as licensed meditators and certified relationship, cognitive behavior therapy, NLP and change management coaching practitioners. ETS’ team consists of C-suite executives who serve as mentors for peers in several industries. The ETS team works as coaches and mediators with companies, couples, siblings, families and executives to foster personal growth, improve relationships, and foster all aspects of healthy and effective communication. ETS’ objective is to inspire leaders and influencers to discover their uncovered potential. Lotus’ vision stems from her solution-focused coaching philosophy. She created the Map. Your. Future.© interactive game and methodology using neuroscience to tap clients’ unique strengths. Her 17- and 18-steps plan results in a creative visual map based on critical thinking and an analytical process towards (shared) goals, missions and objectives. For more information email: lotus@etsbylotus.com or follow Lotus on Twitter: EtsbyLotus or Instagram: Sheswalkingwithwings.

Canâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t Forgive Yourself for Mistakes? Nothing in Your Life is Wasted

Canâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t Forgive Yourself for

Mistakes?

Nothing in Your Life is W asted

Everything in our lives is connected. Our experiences are in front of us so we can learn from them and make better choices. By Noelle Sterne

Do you find yourself too often shaking your fist at God and asking, “When, oh Lord, oh when? . . . When will I finally get published or called back? . . . When will I be able to quit my day job? . . . When will I have enough money to write or paint or design or dance full-time? . . . When will I meet someone to share life’s joys with who will support me in what I must create?” The answer to all such questions may seem illogical at best and barely palatable at worst. But it’s simple.

THE SQUIRMING TRUTH Each of us, no matter how dire

or sad or frustrating our circumstances, is where we want to be. I’ll be more accurate: each of us is where we need to be. We are where we are because we need to learn certain things. And we can’t get to the next place without learning them. This principle applies to everything in life. What does this unpalatable statement really mean? After our reflexive cry of “Unfair!” it means that everything in our lives is connected. Our experiences are in front of us so we can learn from them and make better choices. If we don’t learn, we repeat the experiences in different guises and hair colors, as you may have noticed, until we do. If you keep setting the toaster to extra dark, you’ll keep burning most pieces. If you keep turning off the alarm and turning over, you’ll continue that frenzied rush to get to work every morning. If you keep going to auditions without continuous practice and study in acting, you’ll keep getting more silent phones than callbacks. If you keep treating everyone with a sarcastic leer, you won’t attract someone who’s really on your side. As we learn—finally—from each experience, we’re led to the next. This is one of life’s causes and effects, and it is inescapable. Like me, you may chafe at its apparent unfairness. When I get too exasperated, I return to a poem I discovered during one of those black periods of railing at God. The poem is perfectly called “No Other Way” by Martha Smock (Fear Not! Unity Books):

The wastelands of our life, and know That we could come no other way or grow Into our good without these steps our feet found hard to take, our faith found hard to meet. Look hard at the sentence. They mean that whatever is now in our lives, on our desks, in our inboxes and texts, however hard it is to take, it’s supposed to be here. We need to learn its lessons. So we can stamp our feet, curse, and fling around doing our tasks with resentment and outright hate—or we can make another decision. This is to accept what’s in front of us with grace and gratitude and invest ourselves fully in it to get to the next step. We can make the process easier by accepting another heartening law: none of what we’re experiencing is wasted.

EVERY EXPERIENCE ADDS When I was struggling to write

regularly, I had an office job needed for survival. But I secretly felt it was beneath me. I scarcely talked to coworkers, did my work grudgingly, and found it ever more difficult to show up each morning. Then a friend, more enlightened than I, showed me a new way of looking at my job. I would never “graduate,” she said, until I began to put myself wholly into it. Only then, she said, would I learn as much from it as it had to teach. I was a recalcitrant student. But as I gradually followed my friend’s advice, the job became more bearable. Looking back, I see how much of what I learned in that office I use today. My typing and computer skills were honed, immeasurably facilitating my editing and writing. My ability to interact with people improved, so I could more easily talk about my writing and eventually attract new business. Seeing the boss put in long hours after 5:00 o’clock spurred my discipline to write after a day’s work, so I became more able and motivated to write more. That disdained office job taught me some of the most crucial things I needed Could we but see the pattern of our days, to learn to get closer to my dream. We should discern how devious were the ways But I still had a lot to learn. By which we came to this, the present time... What I so fervently craved I was nowhere We should forget the hurts, the wander- near ready for. Can you look at yourself ings, the fears, honestly and admit this may be true for

you? During that time of agonizing over not writing and resenting my job, what I needed was a rigorous apprenticeship to practice skills, learn discipline, admit to my own talents, and simply keep at it. Some unlikely examples from writer colleagues: a poet who edits cookbooks transfers her skills for condensing a recipe to her terse, haiku-like poems. A novelist who’s a tech writer applies his talents for telling people how to build engines to highly detailed descriptions of his settings and characters’ idiosyncrasies. A writer who enrolled in a vocational school realized her error and dropped out after a semester. She used the experience to sell an article to a career magazine about carefully assessing yourself and your interests. I once had a summer job at a camp and, under protest and with much sweat, was recruited to help build a cottage on the grounds. I would have much rather stayed in the air-conditioned office to type and answer phones, but in my overalls and work gloves I learned about lintels, drywall, and molly bolts. I’d never been interested in any of these things before nor did the exposure prompt me to change careers. But three years later, when I was writing a story about a couple who discovered an old house in the country and started to refurbish it, I drew on this experience. The technical terms popped easily into my mind, and I used my earlier feelings to express the wife’s frustration and disgust with the mess that surrounded her. I could cite many other examples, from famous to unfamous but highly successful people of all kinds. They’ve got one thing in common: their delays, mistakes, and apparent wrong turns turned out to be precisely the right preparation for what they later needed and wanted to do. My resolve has often been renewed by these words, which echo Martha Smock’s poem above, of spiritual counselor Catherine Ponder (Pray and Grow Rich, Parker): Everything moves in cycles, both in time and space. Regardless of the number of breaks that appear in the lines of your life, growth is taking place. Never fight the darkness because through it, growth takes place. The more light you turn on in your life, the quicker will be your growth.

YOUR TURN Think about something

you’ve learned, seen, or heard, past or current, in a

situation you couldn’t get out of. Did you use it—surprisingly—later? How? How would you like to use it in the future? If you’re resisting the idea of the overlap between a day job and an evening of following your bliss, open your mind. Wherever you work now—in a restaurant, hotel, office, retail store, school, hospital, or on a ship, plane, or train—look around. Everyone and all environments provide material and lessons for your dream work. Overheard conversations and arguments, melodies of hot-dog hawkers, the feeling of snow on your face, the rhythmic undulations of standing bus passengers trying to keep their balance. A songwriter I know got the idea for what became a hit staring at an ad while he rode the subway. So, instead of resenting your abhorrent present, make friends with it. See what you can gain from it. Instead of rejecting your shameful past, thank it. Here’s an exercise to help you.

YOUR NOTHING IS WASTED LIST

1. Allocate 10 to 15 minutes before, after, or between the many activities that occupy you and the diversions that constantly beckon. Sit in a quiet spot with paper and pen. 2. Jot down the events in your life that you consider major. These may include, for example, a childhood move to a new town, the birth of your sister, your parents’ divorce or remarriage, your departure for college, getting a certain job, winning something, losing something, going to a certain event, meeting a certain person, missing a great opportunity, making what you’ve always

thought of as a giant “mistake.” What you put down doesn’t have to be momentous or meaningful to anyone else. Sometimes the most trivial moment can be a stupendous turning point. When I did this exercise with a friend, she wrote, “Craving a Mounds bar.” Why? As she ran to a local newsstand to buy a quick pick-up, she literally bumped into the man who propelled her into journalism, a desire she’d craved since early adolescence. After the apologies, she discovered he was the editor of a city newspaper, and his encouragement led her to go to journalism school. When she graduated, she looked him up, and he promptly gave her a freelance assignment. She later became the feature editor on his paper. 3. When you’ve got a good list down, look at it. It doesn’t have to chronicle everything. You can always add to it later. Now that you’ve opened the door, you’ll very likely think of more things later. 4. Take a deep breath and really look at your list. Ask your mind to reveal the connections. Sometimes they’ll be prompted by looking at a relatively recent event or outcome and asking yourself, “How did I get there?” 5. Reflect more and free associate. As you quietly listen to yourself, like the journalist you’ll start to see things: “If I hadn’t done this, I wouldn’t have encountered that. If I hadn’t missed the train, I wouldn’t have met Ann. If I’d taken that job, I wouldn’t have had to develop my letter-writing skills, and I wouldn’t be writing a novel-in-letter-form now.”

6. Start numbering the items in their connective sequences. For some, the connections will be instantly obvious, like my office job to computer skills. For others, you may not immediately see the line, but as you keep looking at your list, your mind will give you more links. You’ll also begin to see obvious groupings of events—the windshield sticker of a college that led to your finding the perfect course to register for that led to your professional certificate that led to a great job that led to meeting the person you married. 7. Put your list away in a private place. No one else has to see it to question, deride, laugh, or pull it apart. 8. In a day or two, revisit your list. Many more insights will come, and you’ll uncover more relationships. 9. Acknowledge these. They’ll help you see, again, that no experience is wasted and in fact is absolutely necessary for our growth. 10. Finally, with your new knowledge and recognition, forgive yourself for all those past “wastelands,” in Smock’s words. Even if you think you’re not ready to stop blaming yourself, try it. Just repeat, “I forgive myself. No mistakes. Nothing in my life is wasted.” Repeat and repeat. Sooner or later, as you keep saying these words, slivers of self-absolution will peek through. You’ll feel lighter, more energized, and even moments of inexplicable happiness. You’ll look at your past anew, discover its blessings, and use their richness in all your ongoing experiences. You’ll truly know that nothing in your life is wasted.

Trust Your Life Now with Noelle Sterne, Ph.D. Noelle Sterne, Ph.D. (Columbia University), author, mainstream and academic editor, writing coach, workshop leader, and spiritual counselor, has published over 400 writing craft and spiritual pieces, personal and academic essays, poems, and fiction in print and online periodicals and blog sites. Publications include Author Magazine, Chicken Soup for the Soul, Children’s Book Insider, Funds for Writers, InnerSelf, Inside Higher Ed, New Age Journal, Ruminate, Thesis Whisperer, Transformation Magazine, Textbook and Academic Authors Association Blog, Two Drops of Ink, Unity Magazine, The Writer, and Writer’s Digest. In Trust Your Life: Forgive Yourself and Go After Your Dreams (Unity Books, 2011), Noelle helps readers release regrets and reach lifelong yearnings. In Challenges in Writing Your Dissertation: Coping with the Emotional, Interpersonal, and Spiritual Struggles (Rowman & Littlefield Education, 2015) she helps doctoral candidates complete their degrees. Noelle is finally rounding the completion corner of her first novel. For more, see Noelle’s website: http://www.trustyourlifenow.com. Noelle’s webinar on writing appears in the Writing Gym of Textbook and Academic Authors Association: ”Get Started, Continue Your Draft, and Finish!” (Click Here)