M
THE ART OF POLITICS
Mastering American Government
So you want to be a politician, huh?
Who wouldn’t?! With record-high trust levels in American government and the popularity of municipal, state, and federal politicians on a rapid incline, it’s high time to get your shiny shoes in the door of public service.
What’s that? “How?” you ask? Well, let’s be honest: Due to the political climate, ballots are FILLED with qualified, enthusiastic candidates in EVERY election cycle at ALL levels. In order to reap the benefits of working Americans' tax dollars, you’re going to have to separate yourself. But don’t worry, we’ll show you how!
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Step 1: Make a name for yourself.
So you’re sitting at home thinking: “Why do these jerkoffs keep getting re-elected? I sure don’t vote for ‘em! My lousy congressman didn't even get us that bridge for Grant Creek!” Well it’s simple: every politician has a brand. The reason you’re on the couch watching your Saturday morning CSPAN and they’re introducing bills to solve world hunger and fly men to Neptune is simple: NOBODY knows you and EVERYBODY knows them. I mean c’mon! Who hasn’t heard of guys like Rick Larsen and John James “Jimmy” Duncan Jr, right?!
Here’s a number of typical brand-building tips given to budding politicians: Volunteer to work on some campaigns and make connections while doing so. Take part in community activism and gain leadership positions, then run for municipal office. If running for office, knock on your would-be constituents doors. Get people excited about a possible candidacy. Show off your good ideas! Advertise, but do it well. Consult marketing experts, visual media aficionados, and political scientists Work your way up the political food chain, building respect and planting the seeds for future coalitions along the way. Be willing to dedicate what’ll seem like eons to reading policy, studying law, familiarizing yourself with American history, examining the needs of the American people, and carefully calculating your public statements.
All that advice sounds good, right? WRONG. It’s mainstream hogwash. There’s one guaranteed way to build your brand: Be born into it. "Well how can I possibly control that?" you ask? Stop with these pedantic questions, obscure reader. By pulling yourself up by your bootstraps and harnessing every fiber of the American Dream with your disproportionately small hands, you can—with a little hard work—be born as rich as you want. Then, you simply use the money you earned by receiving loans to take enormous financial risks and hope that one or two of them land you enough cash to market your brand. By simply utilizing housing discrimination, shafting perpetually lazy workers, and just rolling with some good ol’ fashion American punches, you can build a business empire that bears your very name. “But what does this have to do with politics?” If you don’t shut the fuck up, reader, we’re going to have some serious issues.
Are you an arcane institution developed to placate slave states during the ratification of the Constitution? Are you a check on direct democracy that could’ve stopped a whole lot of madness, but instead were forced to sit on the sideline with your thumb up your ass? Are you James Madison’s wet dream, relegated to a forgotten 6th grade history lesson? If so, go fuck yourself! Or don’t! We don’t really know.
paid for by the Confused Americans PAC: millions strong.
Are you a sensible politician in a crazy world? Do you feel like nobody understands you? Do you feel like your party has abandoned you? We can’t help! We just feel bad for you.Â
paid for by the town of Avon Ohio
sorry
Step 2: Flirt with the idea of running for office, but make sure it appears to be a joke.
After the success of your brand, possibly a few reality TV gigs, a nasty divorce or two, and the occasional public statement of incoherent political views, kick off a campaign for the highest office of the land. Think big! Don’t limit yourself to a minor political role, grab D.C. by it’s bureaucratic balls and shoot for the stars. Here’s a few key steps: Make racist subtext the lifeblood of your campaign Bask in the media attention you garner (any press is good press). Criticize that same media for talking about you all the time. Check mirrors regularly and assure yourself that you’re beautiful. Reach out a well-sanitized hand to the disaffected, but make sure your policy positions don’t help them. Publicly compliment yourself to reinforce intelligence. Check more mirrors. Violate every possible norm of campaigning. Repeat lies so many times that your lies have lies and the lies become so wrong they’re true. Spray tan regularly. Develop early-onset Alzheimer’s (your followers will eat up your spontaneity, especially with nuke talk!)
Step 3: Go Govern! This part is the easiest of all. Little explanation is needed. The steps are simple and universal: appoint white nationalists to advisory positions, have morally dubious ties to dangerous rival nations, alienate allies, roll back global cooperation, garner dismal approval ratings, and appoint a devilishly handsome Supreme Court justice who lacks an aorta.That’s it! Now you know how to do it all in the world of politics.
Get your tickets to see Ronald Reagan’s corpse now! The GOP’s darling is going on tour!
April 20th- Boston April 23rd- Philadelphia April 25th- Baltimore April 26th- Langley May 1st-8th D.C.
Paid for by the Heritage Foundtion
Reviews For The Art of Politics: “This book has given me so much confidence. In running for Philadelphia City Council, I garnered three whole votes from the black community thanks to these techniques.” -anonymous “An incredible guide to thE modern American political system. This booklet IS the future of campaign strategy and governmental action.” -Karl Rove
“I’m out of a job.” -David Axelrod #mobilizenotnormalize