Volume 85 Satire Issue

The Colonel Volume 85. Colonel of Truth. March 2014.

Get the scoop on junior Andy B’s modeling career, inside cover

Theodore Roosevelt High School 1400 N. Mantua St. Kent, Ohio

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Catching up with rising heartthrob Andy B. -

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Contents

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Editorial

Kanye H. West: The Official World Religion

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Colonel of Truth

Dishing out the Truth Raisins r Stopid Roosevelt Pool Hallway to be Replaced With Acorn Alley III

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The Grand Budapest Hotel Good Advice A Conservative Helping of Optimism: ‘Murica the Beautiful Recent Budget Cuts Create Pan-Demonium New Olympic Event in 2018 “You’re free at last!” Says Cleveland Mayor

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Leisure

Modern Art Spotlight: Sydnie Barnette Colonel of Truth Crossword

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STAFF Editors-in-Chief - Sydnie Barnette & Marc Blanc Content Editor - Danylo Lavrentovich Copy Editors - Audra Grimm & King Kelsey Raabe Layout & Photo Editor - Maddie Otterdaughter Staff Writers Briann Barton Sydney Cannon Pat Daltorio Dr. Sucroski Dr. Yeomf Guest Contributor Luke Myers Advisor David Massucci

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Editorial

Kanye H. West

The Official World Religion editorial | The Colonel Staff

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eligion, in its current form, is a frivolous waste of time. Any and all religious organizations have only one goal in mind: deception. Virtues like “faith” and “trust in the Lord” are impressed and committed to memory, but at what cost? What is a “god?” Is it important? No. “God” is an elusive, allegedly omnipotent construct overseeing every misstep and flaw we mortal beings possess. The mere

person of any country or culture to look up to. Kanye’s manifestation of obdurate forbearance, transcendent veracity and commendable amiability make Him a fully qualified candidate to espouse this grandiose position bequeathed from the aggregation of all world religions. To date, Kanye West has only modestly compared Himself to the likeness of Jesus and God. Once His True Divinity is recognized by the world at large, Kanye will no doubt leap at the idea of being a religious figurehead Himself (as if He is not already). The spiritual bond resonating from Kanye West would not only be more potent, but easier felt and measured than that of a spiritually existent “god.” This is because He Himself creates beautiful art in the form of music. Through the consumption and enjoyment of His art, particularly the most sacred collection of hymns, “Yeezus,” individuals will grow closer to Him. Related to this is the fact that everything Kanye creates is divine and perfect in nature. Unflawed in every way, Kanye’s music videos and music should be mandatory for listening and viewing in schools and other public facilities. In the current model of religion, art and music have been created based on the premonition that the religious figure being worshipped

“Everything Kanye creates is divine and perfect in nature.” idea of such a creator is laughable. The solution to this belief in the elusive is simple, though we have been overlooking it for eons. In order to have a more perfect society and a more perfect world, we must abandon all faith in these false gods in all world religions, and instead instill our faith in a physical being we can see and know personally. The natural first person to look towards for spiritual leadership is Kanye West.

This man – this entity – is righteous, and would be an easy first-step religious figure for any

Send press releases, guest columns and letters to the editor to:

The Colonel c/o Theodore Roosevelt High School 1400 N. Mantua St. Kent, OH 44240 All published material is protected speech adhering to the legal definitions of libel, obscenity and invasion of privacy.

March 2014

The Colonel Volume 85 The Colonel of Truth March 2014

The Colonel is an open forum of student expression. It is not reviewed or censored by school officials prior to publication. Published material does not necessarily reflect the views of the Kent City School District or the publication as a whole.

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Editorial

was real. Now, the art and music is created straight from the fingertips of the God Himself, only furthering the bond between common mortal and Kanye.

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Discipleship of Kanye West would look like the discipleship of nearly any other religious figure, but multiplied by one billion fold. The followers of Kanye West, because He is in physical existence, would go above and beyond any sort of fellowship seen or documented to date. Plastic surgery would be administered to those who truly want to live filled with the passion of ‘Nye. Of course they would be favored and blessed for their dedication. Naturally, ornate shrines and temples must be built in the Divine Honor of Our Lord Kanye. There would be temples in every city, with specific sections for worshipping His clothing, hymns, glasses and use of profanity for the good of art.

Kanye West should be appointed as the new world religion.

We must abandon faith in elusive and false gods, and instead instill it in entities which exist physically.

This must be done to ensure the preservation of world sanity and should be done in the name of logic.

In closing, enjoy the official prayer of the new religion: massage

“Hurry up with my d*mn

Hurry up with my d*mn ménage garage

Get the Porsche out the d*mn I am a god.”

Our Lord Kanye. Art by Luke Myers.

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March 2014

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Colonel of Truth

Dishing out the Truth This cheesy debate has hit Roosevelt hard

story | Audra Grimm

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ecently, Roosevelt students have been involved in Twitter beef, Facebook fights and massive brawls during lunch, all due to one topic. A fresh argument has shown itself at school, causing teacher after teacher to break up the melees.

Once the reason for the fights surfaced, the teachers put in their opinions. “Really? THAT’s why you all are fist fighting? How silly, of course macaroni and cheese isn’t a real pasta,” Dennis Love said. History teacher Chris Hibbs immediately dropped the arms of the boy he was restraining, shoved a menacing finger in Love’s face, and responded with an angry remark that cannot be published due to crass language. The two men began a shouting match as the students went back to their fight, with a large crowd coming to witness it all.

An unknown comment first brought about the spark that ignited the argument, and all that is known now is the topic has spread, slowly but surely. What else is a fact? That those who say macaroni and cheese is not a pasta are sadly mistaken.

The Merriam-Webster definition of pasta is “a food made from a mixture of flour, water and sometimes eggs that is formed into different shapes (such as thin strips, tubes or shells) and usually boiled.” Seeing as elbow macaroni is an actual type of noodle on its own, this automatically fits the criteria for pasta. Changing the shape from elbow to straight to shells and whatever else suits one’s fancy does not undo its pasta status, as the definition states that pasta is “formed into different shapes.” When you add a sauce, which pasta is usually doused with, the pasta status stays intact. There are a plethora of examples, including but not limited to fettuccine alfredo, spaghetti with red sauce and stuffed lasagna. These are widely served and regarded pastas on menus everywhere. If macaroni and cheese is not to be considered a pasta simply because its role was wronged in pop culture, then fettuccine alfredo cannot be either. Both have cheese sauces over the typical noodle and both fit the definition.

Contrary to popular culture’s typical first thought, mac ‘n cheese does meet the technical March 2014

Mac ‘n cheese is a devalued pasta. Photo courtesy of food blogger Lindsay Halloway.

requirements of being a pasta. However, most people don’t think of it as one, as it seems to belong to a category of its own. This is one part of the anti-pasta argument, brought up numerous times. If you go to your mom and say, “I’d really like pasta for dinner,” the first thing she goes for will most likely not be mac ‘n cheese. This is because society never really thinks about it as being pasta, it’s simply “mac ‘n cheese.” This cultural view of it not being a pasta is utterly despicable, and society must try to change it. Macaroni and cheese deserves to be included in the category of pasta culturally, yet no one seems to see through the powdered cheese Kraft douses its macaroni with.

Mac ‘n cheese’s pasta image has been defaced by the stereotypical, make-your-own store-bought imposter, but that can’t be the defining moment for macaroni. Its original form was a casserole, much like lasagna. The noodles weren’t just on their own with cheese sauce, but baked into something like a pasta cake. This form then evolved with changing society into an affordable, easier to make form. However, this does not change macaroni and cheese being put in the pasta category. Some may argue that because the companies throw in a packet of powdered, pre-slimy cheese, this is a downgrade to mac ‘n cheese. This proves to be the opposite of the truth, as companies such as Kraft are simply doing a public favor. “We’d like anyone and everyone who loves pasta just as much as we do to be able to easily make and afford macaroni and cheese. Creating it in different shapes and sizes to apply to all age groups helps us to do this,” noted Kraft CEO W. Anthony Vernon.

This terrible stereotype must be stopped in its tracks; its scummy, preposterous tracks. Macaroni and cheese is a pasta, despite the norm society has created for it simply because it isn’t the first thing your mother grabs for dinner when you want pasta. Moms can be wrong too sometimes. Mac ‘n cheese can be an easy or complex thing to make, depending on whether or not to downplay it. It’s up to you to spread the word about this devalued pasta.

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Raisins r Stopid

Colonel of Truth

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Why you should not consume raisins story | Pat Daltorio

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aisins were put on this world for one reason and one reason only: to torture the human race to the point of extinction.

Back in the 13th century, a Mediterranean pomologist (fruit scientist) by the name of Radulfus Bartholomeus thought it was an excellent idea to dehydrate grapes, thus creating the shriveled little pieces of evil he named “raisin.”

The word “raisin,” meaning grape, originated from the alien language called “French.” Bartholomeus was, of course, wrong in his ways to spawn such a terrible food.

After the experiment, Bartholomeus tasted his new invention.

Shortly afterwards, a poisonous gas defense mechanism the raisins emitted took his life. This ended studies on the raisin for the time being, until 1703 when European Professor Herbert MacNemara, another scientist, discovered a way to remove the defense mechanism. Once the chains of the biochemical defense mechanism were lifted, raisins were able to be eaten by the general population for centuries to come. However their resilient evil still remained as we would later find out.

Today raisins are utilized in many foods like the infamous breakfast cereal “Raisin Bran,” cookies and snacks that start to control your life. Normal people are delusional in thinking that including raisins in their daily life is “healthy,” but little do they know that they cause serious long-term medical complications.

Kidney failure is known to be associated with the consumption of the dangerous fruit.

I mean who actually enjoys eating raisins in the first place? No one that’s who. They ruin perfectly good

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foods. They are the scourge of humanity. Grapes are probably fifty times better than raisins, but I wouldn’t know because I haven’t tasted either. However I do remember the horror of opening my middle school lunch box only to find that my mother had packed a box of those ravage beasts. It was horrible. Nothing can explain the trauma I faced that day.

Raisins should not be consumed.

Grapes are known to be used in making wine, a liquid alcoholic beverage consumed by people with low standards for living. Raisins, being dried grapes, obviously leads people to drink wine which then causes them to be alcoholics. Alcoholism is nothing to mess around with. Especially when we have raisins on this planet.

What good are they anyways. You can’t really use them practically without making people vomit on your shoes. Culinarians worldwide hold on to the small claim of using them for “cooking.” “Cooking,” more like creating a weapon of mass destruction.

March 2014

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Colonel of Truth

Roosevelt Pool Hallway to be Replaced With Acorn Alley III

Kent Schools will use businesses to solve budget problems

story | Marc Blanc

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n the latest attempt to tackle the Kent school “Bob is such an easy going guy.” district’s budget woes, the board of education Klinar said reaching out to the private sector signed a contract with three businesses on was a “common sense” choice.

February 28 to make Roosevelt the permanent “I’ve been planning to get a tattoo for a while home of “Acorn Alley III,” with furnishing beginning now,” he said. in June. Moving into the R o o s e v e l t pool hallway will be Defiance administrators hope students Tattoo’s first expansion, Red treat Acorn Alley customers Lobster and yet another Sheetz with respect and refrain from convenience store. moving the large silver gate All traces of education that will separate the businesses will be removed from pool from the students, “unless the hallway classrooms this students have money.” In a summer to make way for the flyer distributed at the March grand opening of Acorn Alley 1 board meeting, the district III on September 1. Asked why claimed “Acorn Alley III will the pool hallway was chosen, be an educational experience Principal Klinar replied, “Come for our high school students. on.”

Defiance Tattoos will be Parents were informed incorporated into the upcoming of the plan by mass phone call body art career tech program, after the decision was already Red Lobster can teach kids finemade. An emergency board dining etiquette and yet another meeting was held on March Sheetz will stop kids from 1, where the superintendent getting in trouble for loitering fielded such questions as, “Do since they will technically be on you know what happened to public property, I think.” the Arctic Squirrel?”

In a recent survey, 75 percent Acorn Alley III was of Roosevelt students plan to get a stroke of genius by the their first tattoo at school. collective minds of the school “I’m going to get ‘I Love School’ board. Motivated to think in a heart right here,” senior outside the box after learning Emma Sampson said while last year’s levy will do nothing pointing to her left bicep. to close the $17 million deficit Senior Emma Sampson shows where she will get her tattoo. Photo Red Lobster is expected to plague the district generating buzz around the

by Maddie Otterdaughter. in 2018, the board reportedly school, as students will soon thought, “Hey, you know what worked out pretty well? have the option of spending four dollars on a shrimp Acorn Alley.” appetizer and unlimited cheddar bay biscuits over an Finding companies to sign on to the project undercooked, scabby pizza slice showered in grease. was not a problem. According to an anonymous board In a faculty survey about the incoming seafood member, the first three businesses contacted the eatery, at least two teachers wrote, “I should be able to board within hours of learning about the project and afford it sometimes.” the board “guaranteed them the spots, without even Sheetz will also be placing gas pumps in the thinking about it.” A contract was then drawn up, pool parking lot, expanding their dominance of the dividing the spoils “70 percent for the businesses and city of Kent. The gas giant’s “college town policy” aims 40 percent for the district.” to establish a station at least every three miles in cities “If our numbers are correct, this deal should that boast universities. stop us from having a balance of negative $17 million,” If Acorn Alley III proves a success, there are one board member said. rumors of an Acorn Alley IV springing up in Standing The board didn’t tell Principal Klinar about Rock Cemetery and Acorn Alley V in the basement of the plan until after they told the businesses they could Acorn Alley II. move in, but the board figured it was okay because March 2014

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Colonel of Truth

Movie poster for “The Grand Budapest Hotel.”

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The Grand Budapest Hotel A new and unique Wes Anderson movie review | Briann Barton

“T

he Grand Budapest Hotel” directed

by Wes Anderson came to theaters on March 7, 2014. This movie is another example of Anderson’s general movie style. Despite some clean-cut and sweet love scenes, this movie is extremely inappropriate and only for mature teenagers and adults. The Colonel staff was lucky enough to get an exclusive first look.

This movie tells the story of three friends: Dignan, an upbeat charmer, and Anthony and Bob Mapplethorpe, sweet and charming family members.

It shows their involvement with a master con-man in their young teenaged years.

It then moves into their high school years where they become friends with two guys. They are not the usual typical high school type. They are both unpopular but that doesn’t stop one of them from running for president. The trio and the students’ friend help him with his campaign by wearing t-shirts saying to vote for him and handing out flyers.

Then it leads into the trio’s college life. They get rejected from every college they apply to. A neighbor, who didn’t get accepted either, comes up with an idea to create their own school to go to. They call the school South Harmon Institute of Technology.

It starts to shows some of their college years.

About an hour and a half into the movie it shows Bob

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as he drops out of school and back into the world of cons and crime. He gets involved with a loan shark and ends up getting killed. Anthony and Dignan are then recruited by some factory workers, who are also suffering from the loan shark, to infiltrate the Mob. It shows their time in the mob family.

It then takes a crazy turn when they run from the Mob and go to the Budapest Hotel in Europe to hide. Dignan disguises himself as a concierge named Gustave and Anthony as a lobby boy named Zero Moustafa.

After a few months Anthony falls in love with a maid who works the Budapest as well. Being at least two hours to two hours and a half into the movie, the Mob finds out where they are and they have to go on the run again. The only bad thing is that Anthony, still disguised as Zero, doesn’t want to leave the love of his life.

The ending is Anthony and Dignan before a firing squad behind the hotel. As the picture starts to go black you hear shooting. Then the credits begin to come on the screen.

The Grand Budapest Hotel is suspenseful, romantic and funny at different times, but it has an R rating. Girlfriends can drag their boyfriends, boyfriends can drag their girlfriends or just go with a group of friends.

March 2014

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Good Advice

Dr. Sucroski and Dr. Yeomf share their wisdom advice column | Dr. Sucroski & Dr. Yeomf

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ackground: Dr. Sucroski is a relationship specialist with a degree and Masters in Sycology from the esteemed Brayn and Miund Academy of Noorosience.

He recently had an article posted in “The New York Times” called “Age is just a number, I love a toddler” which received critical acclaim. He is most famous for his motivational internet video on Upworthy captioned “He starts out ok, but at 4:30 his description of modern philosophy on potty training hits the nail on the head...”

Dr. Yeomf is an esteemed psychoanalyst from the coveted Skool of Thot. His beloved novel “Mein Bezirksschornsteinfegermeister spielt trompete Mundharmonikae” discusses the intricate windings of the mind of a psychotic heavy metal addict named Dok Knile. His award winning dissertation on alpha male anthology has won a number of medals, including the APS James McKeen Cattell Fellow Award. Dr. Yeomf received its Doctor-it in Human dome studies at ITT Technical Institute for Heds.

Dr. Sucroski and Yeomf generously volunteered their time to answer the problems of our most distraught students via Twitter. They address the most perplexing questions of the human condition, from the meaning of life to getting an invite to crazy parties.

The following questions are the most

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commonly asked, and are organized by grade.

Freshman Q. I really want to get turnt up like every day, but I never get invited to parties. I see all of these really cool upper class people talking about these crazy nights they’ve had and I want in. How do I get invited to parties? @RemmingtonProbincruxIV A. Sounds like someone is suffering from Severe Swag Deficiency. SSD is a serious disease plaguing many of the world’s best and brightest adolescents. This is a good thing, and frankly it sounds like you have a boring life.

You probably don’t even realize what it actually means to get turnt up. My hypothesis is that once you are in the depths of a “wild and crazy” high school party, you will pee yourself before actually commencing in utter foolishness.

As far as the really rad upper classmen go, I would say you are a very gullible kid. Most of these kids are great storytellers, and they thrive on the sweet sensation of attention as they fabricate an epic tale of getting arrested for sheer stupidity. It may seem that every kid will be telephoning only these legends the days after homecoming and prom, but trust me young squire, there are those who value the truly inspiring stories of the struggles of humanity. If you wanna get turnt up, listen to some Beethoven and read The Colonel

Colonel of Truth

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Shakespeare. DOO IT. Q. I’m 4 ft 45 lbs. and my basketball coach won’t let me be the center. How do I convince him otherwise? @ bubbz_kckstnd A. If you have ruled out growth hormones and bribery, the best thing to do is to find a little weird friend who will let you sit on his or her shoulders. Wear a trenchcoat and ball out! Air Jordans are obviously gonna help a brother jump on it! The Village Discount in Cuyahoga Falls is known for selling gently used, sweaty death smelling kicks for basically nothing!

Sophomore Q. Why doesn’t anybody notice me? Even freshmen get more attention than me. @kikicambicanut A. I like to look at this situation from the eyes of an ancient caste system laid down by our ancestors. You my friend, are close to, if not at the very bottom of the food chain. Why would a hungry lion look at a cricket for nutritional value? It is not but meaty legs. You most likely add very little to your social circles, and thus you are an exile. You need to find your talents, such as writing Sailor Moon fan fiction. This will show your bros you are actually worth SOMETHING to them! If by chance that does not work, I suggest mesmerizing cheerleaders with your tricked out prose. Ladies love fan fiction.

Junior Q. Why do all the seniors sit by themselves at lunch? @lucky_lionel A. The few you see silently working away at their sorry excuse for a ham sandwich at lunch have gone into full life contemplation mode. Imagine the deepest thought you have ever conceived. Now imagine that thought coming into your mind while going down a dubious and steep slide with no lights. You see, this slide either will carry you into an abundant plane of endless fruits and beautiful people, or you will be thrust into a wasteland of disease and misfortune (or some middle ground). The being you see before you does not wish for friends, nor any comforting words of acceptance.

Nay, they only wish to know that they will slide into that perfectly good place where the milk is sweet and the success is sweeter. You can get diabetes from such thoughts. (An optional explanation is that they don’t have a car.)

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Senior Q. How can I be successful in life? @donkeytalk A. Well, I suggest that you first separate yourself from the material world, sell EVERYTHING you own and begin a spiritual journey. Start by walking up the streets in the nude and approach the first person you meet. Treat your life like a role playing game and talk to EVERYONE. You never know when you will get ten gold, or start a difficult quest. Meet some maidens or princes if you want, and go dungeoning often. Pillage every village and illuminate every cave, so to speak. At this point you have gone insane in a cardboard box.

Welcome to the real world @donkeytalk.

Q. Now that I’m about to be completely done with high school, what do I do next? @dougybanks A. Well, regardless of if you go to college or not, your first few years out of high school should be full of turning upwards and swagging. If you do not turn upwards and swag, you are wasting the life you only live once. All those precious years of education would be wasted. High school is supposed to prepare you for the real world, and as the wise ones say, “Life is just one big party.”

Because the law of the land is interweaved into the business industry, get rid of any morality you have! YOU DON’T NEED IT. Empathy is ‘noxious and makes you feel bad about stuff, so get that out of your spectrum. Now that you are a robot, you can do anything you want and not feel any remorse. Punch some babies and swear at your parents. Notice how you still feel pretty good! You are prepared for the competitive world of entrepreneurship! Start selling all of your childhood memories and belittle all of your friendships. You don’t need friends, they only make you weak. After you have successfully established yourself in the business world as a loose-cannon corporate machine, you can easily become the president. But just make sure you pay people enough to cover up any skeletons in your closet, literally and figuratively. If you get impeached, then that is a good thing, because it means you’ve stuck with your beliefs and done what you thought was right. You have enough money to buy a third of Dow Jones, so get to it. Eat well and sleep easy.

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A Conservative Helping of Optimism

‘Murica the Beautiful Why the United States is the greatest nation on Earth story | King Kelsey Raabe

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nless you’ve been living under a rock somewhere in Saudi Arabia or Canada or any of the other festering hellholes of the world, you’ve probably heard about how America is the greatest nation on Earth.

Well, of course it is. We Americans have everything.

Our economy is better than that of any other country. Unlike the socialist bastions of the UK and other European nations that subscribe to the thoroughly discredited philosophy of government coddling and propping up its laziest, least-productive citizens, America has instituted a fine capitalist system of rewarding our job creators with lucrative tax breaks while maintaining a downtrodden underclass of plebeian laborers. Is it not the natural order of things for the strong to exploit the weak? Every food chain needs a lowest link, after all. Lower classes are essential to maintaining a stable society, and the last thing we want is for them to have any inane delusions that someday they can be as prosperous as the rest of us, which is why a pragmatic bloc of Congress allowed unemployment benefits to expire for 1.3 million takers earlier this year and helped pass the farm bill that included $5 billion in cuts to food stamps for the pathetic, donothing poor, thereby sending a firm message that in America nobody, young or old, is guaranteed to the bare minimal standard of living adhered to by most other civilized countries. If you want food on your table, then you better work your sorry butt off for it.

For those of you who already have more than enough food on your table, congratulations, here’s a regressive tax system rigged in your favor. Enjoy your untaxed capital gains, nearly nonexistent corporate rates and “charitable giving” deductions. Keep on making skyhigh profits, buying our politicians and not paying your worthless employees, we’re rooting for you!

Unlike other so-called “developed” nations, we have the courage to put uppity minorities in their March 2014

place, despite bouts of judicial activism that have eaten away at the original status quo. Everyone knows that racism is a thing of the past, as the Supreme Court’s most sensible justice Antonin Scalia reminded us last year when he helped to annihilate the so-called “Voting Rights Act,” so it’s important to remind blacks, illegals (aka Mexicans) and women that they don’t deserve special treatment. This is why countless states, including our very own Ohio, have cut back on early voting hours and required voters to show IDs at the polls for the express purpose of making it more difficult for minorities to exercise the racial entitlement of enfranchisement. Former North Carolina GOP precinct chair Don Yelton stated this in no uncertain terms during an interview on “The Daily Show” before the radical liberal media coerced him to resign, claiming his marks were somehow offensive: “If it hurts a bunch of lazy blacks that want the government to give them everything, so be it.” Some concrete evidence of how these laws affect minorities: In Texas, according to The Nation, “Hispanics [are] 46 to 120 percent more likely than whites to lack an ID,” while a third of the state’s women have citizenship documents that don’t match their legal names, effectively preventing these liberalminded constituencies from voting. Furthermore, most minorities are quite rowdy and combative in comparison to the general population, which is why we have Stand Your Ground laws on the books in Florida and elsewhere to protect brave patriots like George Zimmerman and Michael Dunn, who had the courage to defend themselves from dangerous thugs armed to the teeth with Skittles bags and loud radios.

Need any more proof of their violent tendencies?

Minorities make up an astounding 60 percent of our prison population, helping us to maintain our outstanding record as the country with the the highest incarceration rate in the world.

America has an incredibly well-written Constitution that has stood the test of time. With The Colonel

A Conservative Helping of Optimism

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the words “A well regulated Militia, being necessary Gallup, it makes moral and legal sense to implement to the security of a free State, the right of the people Bible-thumping dogma into law. While lefties might to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed,” our claim the Constitution requires separation of church founding fathers established the most important right and state, it is not illegal for politicians’ beliefs to be of all, one that has proven more crucial than the right firmly rooted in their deeply-held religious beliefs, to free speech, privacy and jury therefore through this indirect trials combined. There is nothing, link it is fully constitutional to use I repeat nothing, more sacred than religious teachings as a compass the right to defend oneself against for policymaking. Imagine all the perceived threats. According to good that could be accomplished if Department of Justice statistics Democrats would stop clinging to obtained by consumerfed.org, the thoroughly-discredited ideas between 1987 and 1992 about a of evolution, global warming, the full 62,000 people per year used 4 billion year-old Earth hypothesis a firearm to defend themselves and scientific consensus in general in comparison to the 931,000 and simply accept that women incidents of gun-related crime are inferior to men because in 1992. The facts could not be God created them second and Image courtesy of The Real Revo. more clear: guns most certainly that cavemen rode dinosaurs. do save lives often enough that it is unconscionable Fortunately, many states have already taken matters to imagine limiting them even the slightest. Imagine into their own hands; the teaching of historically how different the Colorado theater shooting would documented facts (or as liberals prefer to call it, have gone if James Holmes had been confronted by an “creationism”) in publicly-funded charter schools armed citizen. As NRA executive vice president and in Texas, the easily-justifiable anti-gay laws on the venerable human rights activist Wayne LaPierre often books in all southern states, universally popular antisays, “The only thing that stops a bad guy with a gun murder (oh, sorry stupid liberals, “abortion”) laws is a good guy with a gun.” Sure, an abusive husband and especially Arkansas and Georgia’s bills to allow might take a shot at his wife or the occasional raving discrimination due to religious beliefs are but a small lunatic might get ahold of an assault rifle thanks to lax sample of laws based on Christian values. We are quite background checks or gun show loopholes and then lucky as a nation to have intelligent politicians like open fire into a heavily crowded area full of defenseless Rick Perry and Sarah Palin bold enough to defend the civilians, but aren’t our most precious freedoms worth right to freely force their religion upon others. “One sacrificing for? The NRA and its devout servants in nation, under God” indeed.

Congress certainly seem to think so, and so should we.

Lastly, and most importantly, our founding What you’ve just read is only a small taste of fathers, being upstanding religious men themselves, American exceptionalism, folks. The United States is laid the foundation for a permanent Christian state. not on the decline. With our infallible judgement and Despite claims to the contrary by the un-American, sound commitment to economic and sociopolitical racist, Muslim, Marxist, Communist, Kenyan, Nazi justice, we must continue liberating and educating sympathizing, Antichrist and womanizing ogre-inthe rest of the uncivilized world about the merits of chief Barry Hussein Obama, the U.S. is most definitely democracy. With any luck, someday we will be just as a Christian nation. We are a democracy, allowing good as the holy land of Israel. Long live America! laws to be passed with a simple majority, and since 77 percent of the country is Christian as measured by The Colonel

March 2014

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Colonel of Truth

Recent Budget Cuts Create Pan-demonium Cooking and biology classes to share a room in the upcoming year

story | Audra Grimm

K

ent citizens are quite concerned about

big for two courses, and more students in one spot

upcoming budget cuts within the school

will produce a large quantity of body heat. All the

district. With the drastic orders to shut down

sweat, animals and culinary concoctions shall make

Franklin Elementary and Central School already

for a fascinating smell, one that Yankee Candle would

looming over the heads of parents and students alike,

snatch up in a heartbeat. If classroom combinations

even more cost-cutting measures in the very near

continue, the school will have no reason to continue

future are inevitable.

the already inconsistent heating. Not only is human

On Tuesday, February 18 at the most recent

heating budget friendly, it is an eco-friendly solution!

board of education meeting, bold budget cuts were

School officials are bound and determined

discussed in front of a large amount of community

to go back to basics and implement more traditional

members, including a large amount of staff reductions.

styles of teaching and learning. Kent will be kickin’ it

According to computer software the board uses to

old school in the very near future and going back to

determine bus routes and where Franklin students

a more 1800-esque style by slowly putting into effect

will transfer to, the proposed number is around

something similar to a one-room schoolhouse. It

67.14159265359 teachers to be laid off. This software

will resemble to a point “Little House on the Prairie,”

is found to be much more efficient for these types of

the classic we all know and love. Everyone is quite

decisions. Because of limited staff available to teach,

nostalgic of those simpler times, more specifically the

fire codes will be set aside as classrooms become more

ones without those darn electronics, so the board of

compact.

education figured no time is better than the present.

Along with these budget cuts, more concerning

Zagray, Evanson and the many animals

to teachers and students at Roosevelt are the motions

will have serious problems to work through, ones

to enlarge number of students per class and combine

that might take some adapting. “We look to make a

different classes in a single room. The most shocking

positive contribution to the cooking classes by giving

of classroom combinations is the one in which Mr.

them the option to incorporate what we feed to our

Zagray’s biology classes will share a room with Ms.

animals in their dishes. Frozen rats, crickets, anything

Evanson’s cooking classes. Whether or not Zagray’s

they desire. It could really be a big hit,” Zagray said.

zoo will invade the cooking classroom across the

With advanced and AP biology added to global and

hall or Evanson’s chefs will occupy room 203 is still

creative foods classes, there will be an overflow of

undecided, but will likely be the room with less space

students during class periods.The animals may get

in order to save as much money as possible. Heating

underfoot, especially slow and steady Darwin the

costs could get out of control if the room is excessively

tortoise. Injuries may occur when students trip over

March 2014

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Colonel of Truth

13

tortoises, but with all the money the school is saving,

poisoned. But once again, it’s only a lawsuit. The zoo

being liable for these and potentially having lawsuits

will have to be kept under a close watch and often

filed against them should be no problem whatsoever.

caged as well, just in case they are mistaken for the

The health department will need to be distracted so

food incompetent freshmen will be making. The

any animal waste that gets into dishes and causes

alligator gar could potentially end up in a soup pot if

sickness will go under the radar. Cooking supplies will

no one’s careful.

have to be taken special care of so that no students get

Budget cuts will result in the increase of number of students per class. Pictured here is a full English classroom with students’ desks less than two inches away from each other. Students share books, as there are not enough for everyone in the class. Some students are even sitting on others’ laps because there simply isn’t enough room for them in the classroom after the budget cuts. Photo by Maddie Otterdaughter.

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14

Colonel of Truth

New Olympic Event in 2018 Snow plow driving competition

story | Briann Barton

I

n 2018 there is going to be a new Olympic event. The International Olympic Committee announced that snow plow driving will become a new event in the winter games, starting in Pyeongchang, South Korea due to popular demand.

There are a lot of plow drivers from many countries that will be competing for gold.

Macedonia, Ohio plow driver Kevin McCall said, “This is a huge accomplishment for us. Drivers from all over have waited to get the news that the events have been approved. Now like other competitors, we get to display our talent for everyone to see.”

For many winters snow plow drivers have tried to get the events approved, and their proposal was finally accepted by the IOC on January 31, 2014. As of right now there are four set events: Many Pieces, Far Piece, Mailbox Rotation and Pole Cover.

All of the plow competitions will be one driver events. Like some current events in the Olympics, there will be one person from every country competing.

The first competition is Many Pieces. The drivers will have one chance to knock a mailbox into as many pieces as possible, by coming from its side.

McCall’s fellow USA teammate Jim Clarson will be the driver for this event. In an interview Clarson said, “This event seems very simple to some people, but it can be quite tricky. It takes years to attain the ability to use a single hit, and a single millisecond of being unfocused can send you home with nothing.”

The next competition, Far Piece, is just as tricky as the first event. In this event the drivers compete to see who can hit a piece of a mailbox the furthest distance from the road in one hit. The driver for this event, McCall, said, “This event is all about your speed and accuracy. I am talented at both of these aspects.”

The third event of the games is Mailbox Rotation, in which drivers have one opportunity to hit a mailbox so that it rotates. The biggest rotation with the mailbox still in the ground and in one piece wins.

Another fellow team driver of McCall’s, Scott Michaels, will drive for this event. “This has some difficulty. You have to hit it [the mailbox] at just the right time and place,” said Michaels.

Pole Cover is a competition to see which driver can get the highest snow/slush splash on a telephone pole. For this, the drivers plow a street close to a

March 2014

sidewalk, there is a telephone pole located to their right a few feet from the street. They have one chance to cover the pole from the bottom up to about six feet high with snow/slush.

With the games in the upcoming year the drivers from all over are becoming more intense in their practices. Driver Michaels said, “This is one of our last winters to practice our different techniques to

Snow plows prepare for the 2018 Winter Olympics.

prepare us for representing our great country.” Their practices are held after snow storms, usually in the evening on any main roads or backstreets in a town near you.

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15

“You’re free at last!” Says Cleveland Mayor After nearly fifty years of misery, the city’s greatest burden is lifted once and for all story | Danylo Lavrentovich

I

to say, “The collective inability to yield competitive n the final meaningless seconds of a routine professional franchises is indubitably not a fortuitous Cavaliers loss on February 23, Cleveland occurrence, as the region has caustic potential to mayor Frank Jackson addressed a crowd delegate masochistic pleasure from the plight of its of approximately eighteen fans at Quicken sports teams. I maintain that this administrative Loans Arena with a bold plan to invigorate the city, decision could lead to the psychogenic well-being of resolving to permanently move the Browns, Cavaliers all involved parties.” and Indians away from Cleveland and Although the Indians recently achieved prevent the creation of professional sport a modicum of success in 2013 with a late franchises in the city’s future. season push to reach the AL Wild Card “We feel that it is in the mutual game, the squad has effectively been interest of Cleveland residents and city erased from all records, with no indication leaders to put sports officially behind us,” of relocation. The news was met with Jackson announced to the half-asleep a collective shrug from Northeastern fans. With a sudden chorus of cheers from Ohio. Adopted Clevelander Nick Swisher the crowd, Jackson continued: “You’ve expressed gratitude to the city for its suffered long enough, so let us forget we “hours of fun at Tower City shopping ever had professional teams in this town!” center and the Rock ‘n Roll Hall of Fame.”

The address marked the first When asked about having to leave the recorded positive moment in Quicken fans, he stared with a puzzled look on Loans Arena in several years. his face, exclaiming, “Wait, we had fans?

Cleveland is among only People came to home games? That’s news fourteen cities in the United States with to me.” franchises in all three of the country’s The futures of Quicken Loans Arena major leagues (NFL, MLB and NBA), raising questions nationwide how such Browns fans have the highest risk of and Progressive Stadium are not yet a deplorable location obtained them in developing depression in later years. known. One report mentioned they Photo by Audra Grimm. will “continue to frighten children and the first place. The town gained notoriety the community” by serving as haunted as the deathplace of athletic ability and houses. competent team management, as Cleveland’s last Concerns from the medical community played major sporting championship was delivered by, sure a key part in the decision, as a recent study conducted enough, the Browns in 1964. by the Department of Psychiatry and Psychology In a public city council meeting on February at the Cleveland Clinic concluded that long-term 15, a disgruntled resident wearing a Browns jersey exposure to the Browns, Cavaliers and Indians could listing all 19 of the team’s starting quarterbacks since pose significant health risks, “likely triggering the 1999 proposed the plan to divorce the town with onset of depression and declining mental functions sports. After a few seconds of reflection, the board in later years.” Cleveland residents are encouraged to unanimously agreed that all of their problems in spend more time with their families on Sundays and life stemmed from the failures of the sports teams, to “keep thinking of happy thoughts,” according to unanimously voting to disband the Indians and to principal investigator George Tesar, MD. relocate the Browns and Cavaliers to Los Angeles and The economic impact of the teams’ removal St. Louis, respectively. is projected to yield minimal damage. For example, The Browns have inarguably caused the most despite the high fashion appeal of clothing featuring damage to the mental well-being of Northeast Ohio, brown/orange and mustard/ketchup color schemes consistently failing to semble a watchable team that can and a derogatory caricature of a Native American make a legitimate playoff run, while not performing mascot, small t-shirt businesses will likely stay afloat, poorly enough to draft franchise-changing players. putting new priorities on products focusing on Based on previous history of the team’s relocations, Cleveland weather and local ultra-celebrities such as the Browns are expected to become Super Bowl Drew Carey and Tim Misny. champions next season.

With money no longer getting wasted on FirstEnergy Stadium, colloquially referred to perennially underachieving sports teams, the city of as the “Factory of Sadness,” will reportedly remain Cleveland will also reportedly invest in education intact to serve as a memorial to the victims of the programs to emphasize arts and sciences, rather than Cleveland Browns. Hopes and dreams of a competitive sports teams. football team routinely met a bitter death each Sunday “We feel that we’re heading into the right for several decades in the stadium. direction,” Jackson said in his address, “and we wish When asked about his opinion on the Cavaliers’ the best of luck to the poor souls of St. Louis and Los move to St. Louis, guard Dion Waiters grunted and Angeles.” mumbled incoherently. The Colonel interpreted him

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March 2014

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Leisure

Modern Art Spotlight

March 2014

The Colonel

Leisure

Colonel of Truth Crossword

29 17

compiled by | Danylo Lavrentovich designed by | Maddie Otterdaughter

Note: Answers posted on the bottom of the ad page at the front of the issue.

Across

Down

1. Love’s enemy (one word)

2. What one would call a Bavarian district

5. An inn you might find in Hungary (three

master chimney sweep

words, no spaces)

3. The scourge of humanity

6. A sulfur-containing vitamin of the B complex

4. An illness affecting most underclassmen

found in certain evil snacks

(three words, no spaces)

9. Two plus two is ________

7. Post turn (two words, no spaces)

11. The United States is “One nation, under

8. These biscuits may soon be on a lunch tray

________“

near you (two words, no spaces)

12. Because of classroom combining, soon all of

10. Likely birthplace of Barack Hussein Obama

Roosevelt will be singing this Shirley Temple

13. Our Lord and Savior’s middle name

classic (five words, no spaces) 14. “It is not but ______ legs”

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