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TUPD uncovers undergound animal lab
Students found working on human and animal gene manipulation under CSI.
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Trinity offers new poledancing class
Chip N. Dale, adjunct professor, starts popular new course for students at Trinity.
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Waka Flocka Flame for President 2016
The self-proclaimed “King of the Game” gets ready for the presidency.
le’ Trinibonian
Volume 112, Issue 25
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www.trinitonian.com
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Serving Trinity University Since 1902
• April 24, 2015
Former president Bahlburg wanted by TUDD Tiger defense conduct manhunt for former president following his refusal to leave campus and vacate his office by J-Den Smithe PRIVATE INVESTIGATOR Tiger University Defense Department is currently conducting a widespread manhunt for former president Danny Bahlburg on Trinity’s campus. After vacating his position as president, Bahlburg parted from his role emotionally as well. When interim president, Mel Fishier, finally managed to obtain the coveted office, he was shocked to find Bahlburg hiding underneath the desk, unwilling to relinquish the last remaining element of his former presidency. Fishier, surprised to find that Bahlburg had actually handcuffed himself to the desk, called TUDD. TUDD eventually managed to remove the handcuffs (a detailed record of the event was not made public, but a small handsaw was involved). Bahlburg left the office fairly peacefully after this first incident. For weeks, nobody heard from Bahlburg. Then, one day, when crossing campus, sixth-year senior, Ine Briated, thought he
saw a familiar flash of white hair hiding behind some trees outside Marrs-McLean. Other rumors quickly surfaced. Many students believed they saw Bahlburg wandering the campus late at night after the library had closed. No reports from any engineering and other science majors have surfaced (possibly because they never actually leave CSI). Multiple students have come forward claiming they
know the whereabouts of Bahlburg, yet every time TUDD has investigated Bahlburg seems to have moved on. They have found evidence suggesting that a makeshift campground has been set up in many of the specified locations. Junior Jack Offe, revealed that Bahlburg has not yet given up all of his duties as president. Offe claims that Bahlburg has still been holding daily office hours.
He has been able to covertly convey this message to students through Morse code by using the lights on the tower. Some loyal students have created an underground society, only recently discovered by TUDD’s fine sleuthing skills, called Bahlburg’s Army. They have helped spread the word about Fullbright’s office hours through cryptic messages on numerous chalkboards around campus.
TUDD asks for anyone with knowledge of Bahlburg’s whereabouts to come forward. While they’ve discovered his makeshift office (a single-person tent with a picture of a desk taped to the outside), Bahlburg has been conspicuously absent in every instance. We can assume that until TUDD can stop Bahlburg from holding these illicit office hours, he will continue his reign of minor anarchy.
two-year suspension issued over a series of rush violations. The illegal party was interrupted by dean Davey Turtle’s personal Fun Police squad, who knocked down the door of the fraternity house in an otherwise quiet street in Alamo Heights at approximately 10 p.m. Chapter president of the Alphas Arnold Schwartz came forward after Greek Council’s decision to ban the Alphas from campus was made public. “There were no grounds to ban us. It’s not illegal to hold a furry party on private property; it’s in the first amendment,” Schwartz said. Malcolm Banhammer, chief of Fun Police, felt otherwise,
declaring the actions to be “absolutely disgusting… vile on every level.” In his official report, Banhammer reported finding students dressed in anthropomorphic rabbit costumes, engaging in disreputable acts throughout the property. Schwartz contested Banhammer’s statement, remarking that, “There’s nothing wrong with a bit of fun between consenting adults.” Gamma Alpha Upsilon’s parties were famously theme-centric, per their national chapter’s motto: “To deface the standards of integrity, intellect and achievement for our members, host institutions and communities.” Previous Playboy
bunny parties had attracted a host of attendees from other fraternities and sororities, quickly making the Alphas the fastestgrowing Greek organization known for parties. However, attendance declined following the suspension, and chapter president Schwartz was, as he put it, “forced to come up with more and more extreme themes.” Rabbit ears gave way to full body costumes and eventually even custom fur suits in the weeks following the suspension. Schwartz was happy to show his suit off for the Trinibonian and was insistent on noting the quality of the craftsmanship involved in its creation.
“See this seam? See how neat it is? I assure you my brothers’ dues were well invested. Every cent counts when you commission a suit like this,” Schwartz said. Banhammer was sure to note in his report that the costumes were “like no Playboy bunny [he’d] ever seen.” Gamma Alpha Upsilon has been permanently removed from campus. Though they have been removed from campus, Schwartz insisted that all students are still welcome to attend events. “I would love to see everyone in their quality fur suits,” Schwartz said. “But we have to be careful not to get beer on them; these cost, like, half the treasury.”
Hippity hoppity justice is on its way: Gamma Alpha Upsilon fraternity busted for erotic animal-themed party Fraternity members stand erect at hearing following suspension for raunchy bunny themed gathering by Peter Fappit FURRY EXPERT The young men of Gamma Alpha Upsilon, Trinity’s youngest fraternity, have been permanently banned from campus following an unregistered, illegal party on the evening of Friday, April 17. This action follows a previous