Stuff with Balls 9
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People Talking to Us
Feelin’ Hot?
Administration Hazes Greeks Weather Alert
Representatives of Generation Y come to Trinity, share the wealth of knowledge they have about messing up their lives.
The weight room gets fun house mirrors and athletes’ confidence grows.
T&P
7
Even More News
The university investigates itself for suspicious behavior, students speak out.
Cloud with a chance of... Wait... it’s already hailing.
datTrini Bonian Volume 110, Issue 69
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www.trinitonian.com
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Serving Trinity University Since 1969
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APRIL 26, 2013
“We explode with Strategic Plan deleted, leads <3 for bollards” to decade-long flashback Administration decides to go back to 2003, trash new technology and rethink all decisions
At approximately 6 p.m. Wednesday, April 24, a glitch in the TUSecure Wi-Fi network caused the master copy of the Strategic Plan to get permanently deleted. All other digital copies possessed by the Hoard of Trustees and other administration were linked to the master copy, so the planning committee has decided to commence a plan they are calling “Trinity of Yesteryear.” According to Mikey Fishy, associate vice president of
A-Plus affairs the glitch has caused some major setbacks for the administration. “Many of us have devoted our work primarily to figuring out the strategic plan, what it is, how it will work, etc.,” Fishey said. “However, now that it has all disappeared, it’s like we aren’t even sure if it’s all worth pursuing. This ‘Trinity of Yesteryear’ idea should serve as a good Plan B for an otherwise awful situation.” Lasso Jasiminy, main coordinator for the “Trinity of Yesteryear” project, expressed optimism about the Strategic Plan’s replacement. “See, we are thinking that since we tried to focus so much on the future of the university that we forgot our past,” Jasiminy said. “I mean we’re good now, so how did we get here? Trinity of Yesteryear is really going to
send the university back 10 years ago and just make us relive all the good stuff that got us to where we are now.” According to Fishy, all campus technology will be replaced with models from 2003. Current technologies including projectors, smart boards, computers and the like will be sold in order to fund their replacements, which include overhead projectors, dumb boards and paper. All leftover money will go towards purchasing turn of the century flip-phones for students to use while on campus. “If we take it back 10 years, everyone can get a second chance to rethink these major projects,” Fishy said. “It will really simplify things if everyone goes along with it. Curriculum change? Strategic Plan? Time block? Ain’t nobody got time for that.”
comparison to the whole ‘hunting other students’ thing.” Competing students will be allowed a sponsor, a member of Treenity’s faculty that will support their training financially while also providing them useful tools and weapons on the battlefield. “The way I see it, I can bet on horses and sports games or I can bet on which of these fine students has the capacity to come out on top of the student food chain,” De-Knees Lumbergh, president of the university said. “I can’t tell you
Xhow excited I am for this year’s games.” While natural ability in the students varies, Treenity student Po Tato is seen as the clear favorite to win the competition. “I play a lot of ‘Call of Duty’,” Tato said. “I think I am well trained in combat. My reflexes are pretty superior, and I have some nunchuck skills, computer hacking skills, etc.” The competition, deemed “The Dumber Games,” will take place on Saturday, May 18, all over campus
following graduation. You can catch the proceedings on LionTV or in the many viewing stands that will be erected. Concessions will be available for purchase. When asked for advice to students, Lumbergh had one thing to say: “May the odds be ever in your favor,” Lumbergh said. The Trinibonian has calculated those “odds” for every rising sophomore of winning “The Dumber Games” to be about 1 in 600, or 0.17 percent. Good luck.
by Doc Froogle
MINISTER OF MISTAKES
photo by girl who likes the poles After a scare by administration in which Faulty Services nearly removed the bollards, students decide that they like the poles blocking traffic behind the Handbell Athletic Center. Sentiments include: students becoming overjoyed, hugging the bollards, throwing parties near/around the bollards and walking everywhere, and we do mean EVERYWHERE. See Page 3 for all the sticky details.
Dorm Squad implements “Hunger-Games” like housing lottery Sick of complaints, the Dorm Squad leaves your housing fate in your own hands, weapons included by Fatniss Everspleen
RESIDENT HOT KILLA
In order to promote the competitive spirit and make the housing process more entertaining, the Dorm Squad has ditched the lottery system for rising sophomores in favor of a “last man standing” competition similar to “The Hunger Games.” All rising sophomores will be entered into the contest, fitted with weapons and given the whole campus to dominate each other. The last student standing gets the first pick of sophomore dorms. Dorm Squad director Wanida Halfson believes the system will help prevent overcrowding of dorms while also providing entertainment to students and faculty. “Nothing gets the studying and education juices going like a good ol’ bloodbath,” Halfson said. “Hell, I don’t even like most of these kids. It’s a win-win in my mind.”
When asked how eliminating the entire sophomore class down to one student would benefit the school, let alone fill all of the residence halls, Halfson told me to “go back to my district.” Whatever the hell that means. Rising sophomores are having various reactions to the news. One student, Rue Liu, is questioning her decision to attend the university.
“The way I see it, I can bet on horses and sports games or I can bet on which of these fine students has the capacity to come out on top of the student food chain.” President Lumbergh
“If I had known I would live with a complete stranger, bond with them, become friends with them and then have to fend for my life, I probably would have attended a different school,” Liu said. “The parking also isn’t that great, but I guess that pales in
Senior Ryan Westrip practices archery in anticipation for the “Dumber Games” in the woods near the library. Unfortunately, the games came two years too late for Ryan to show off his mad skills.