Trinibonian
Trinity drought
From dean to dream
Dean Buttle explains to many new responsibilities that come with being an Instagram star
Students embrace their inner dirt racers as they hunt for water in a dry lower-campus wasteland. PAGE 3 ALTERNATIVE FACTS
Volume 114 Issue Too many to count
PAGE 5 FLAT LINE
Trolling Trinity University Since 1902
Male Athletes Trinity male athletes are fed up with being sexualized. PAGE 7 ATHLETICS
APRIL 21, 2017
Athletes evacuate Mabee Hall Athletes flee to parking lot following television channel change from ESPN BY PADDING ReSUME
ALTERNATIVE FACTS REPORTER Dozens of student athletes were evacuated from Mabee dining hall on Thursday night after a student changed one of the televisions to a channel other than ESPN. The tragedy has shaken the Trinity community to its core, and claimed the mental sanity of a yet-unconfirmed number of athletes. The incident happened around 6:48 p.m., when first-year Estelle Blythe tried to change the channel from a 5-hour rerun of the Swoleball Championship Finals. “I thought people might appreciate if I put on ‘The Office’ or something,” Blythe said, foolishly. “I didn’t think anybody was watching.” TUPD responded swiftly by providing all affected athletes with protein-enriched chocolate milk and cookies shaped like SportsCenter head anchor Matt Barrie. “Our first priority is to help them regain psychological stability,” said TUPD Officer Tig McGunn. “Until then, we’re keeping them in a classroom and letting them watch some Tony Robbins videos to
get their morale back up.” “We have known for a while that our campus athletes could be easily thrown offbalance,” wrote Dean of Students Shlavid Shluddle in an official statement on his blog. “We had a close call a few months ago when an assistant coach changed the baseball field music to something other than AC/DC’s greatest hits.” Dean Shluddle also made some conjectures as to the source of the problem. He wrote, “The Bell Center renovations made them particularly fragile, and this might be the result.” Shluddle also asked the Trinitonian to tell you to please read his blog, and remind you that he puts a lot of work into it, and the views mean a lot to him. Eyewitness accounts emphasized the athletes’ inability to flee the scene. “They started to run, but it was a total mess,” said sophomore engineering student Martha Bloom. “They were all covered in ice-packs, which made their movements slow and clumsy.” At press time, estimates ranged between 14 to 37 affected student athletes. “We tried to run out of the dining hall, but we all got to the doors at the same time and got stuck,” said pitcher Bobby Gaines from underneath a safety blanket. “I thought the dining hall was a safe place for us, but I guess I was wrong.” Bell Center staff was understandably
Students console each other outside of Mabee Dinning Hall while waiting for TUPD to arrive. distressed. “We are all surprised and overwhelmed by the calamity of recent events,” said trainer Susan Goodform. “We work very hard to create a habitat for
Elevator achieves sentience Biomaterial waste leads to living elevator in Bruce Thomas hall BY RICARDITO SANCHEZ
ALTERNATIVE FACTS REPORTER Things took a paranormal turn last week when one of the filthy, disgusting Bruce Thomas Hall elevators suddenly became a living, breathing organism. The inanimate metal hull presumably gained sentience once so much filth accumulated inside that the likeliest outcome was the sudden acquisition of life and consciousness. “Enough biological matter accumulated within the enclosed space so as to spontaneously generate life,” said Walter Mitchum, professor of biology. “Considering the steady temperature, ideal air moisture and steady flow of electricity, it was just a matter of time before this elevator became a respiring organism.” This event came as a result of students spitting, farting, dropping food and occasionally pissing on the elevator floor. “I
peed in the elevator once, but only as a joke,” said a student speaking to the Trinitonian on the condition of anonymity. “We didn’t expect the elevator to go all ‘Stranger Things’ on us though.” The elevator remains functional, but some of the students who have used it never reemerged. Soon after each disappearance, the elevator walls sprouted appendages which closely resemble those of the growing number of missing students. “The elevator is probably consuming them to form an organic superstructure,” said Zachary Morrissey, president of the sci-fi club. “In a way, all of those students are still there, only better. I for one look forward to becoming one with the elevator.” One student commented on the economic implications of the elevator. “I’m mostly concerned about the elevator eating into our scholarship pool,” said sophomore Patrick Whitman. “Right now, the elevator is technically Asian, Hispanic, half-Nigerian and three-eighths Native American. If it applied to Trinity, it could technically get five consecutive Pell Grants. We can’t allow that to happen.” In spite of the potential for death by assimilation, students in the upper floors have continued using the now-sentient elevator. “What am I supposed to do?” said
Thomas resident Monica Hill, “I live on the eighth floor. Walking up that many stairs right after a leg workout would destroy my calorie counter.” Many Thomas residents have responded with understandable outrage. “I warned y’all this would happen!” said Thomas vigilante Martin Stubbleface, who now patrols Thomas in hopes of catching anyone who will desecrate the other, non-living elevator. “Many months ago, I hung a pledge of cleanliness outside the elevator for everyone to sign, but nobody took me seriously. Nobody listened!” A small group of pro-elevator residents have asked the student body to be more tolerant of the elevator’s existence. “It’s a living, breathing being, and I think we should try to understand how it thinks, and what it feels,” said Student Diversity Ambassador Melissa Noriega. “For now, we’re trying to figure what pronouns the elevator prefers.” It is unclear what next steps the university will take. “We are appalled and disgusted at the fact that students took so little care of the elevator that it lead to the spontaneous generation of self-aware life,” said Manny Jankerson, president of Trinity. “We’re confident, however, that we can somehow spin this into being an integral part of the Campus Master Plan.”
the athletes to feel safe in, and things like these are severe setbacks.” At press time, Yolanda was unavailable for comment.
O-Rekt Plans Annual Irresponsible Trip to Big Bend BY YOUR BRAIN ON O-REC
ALTERNATIVE FACTS REPORTER This weekend, O-Rekt is departing for their Completely Irresponsible Annual Big Bend Bender Trip to Big Bend State Park. “The trip is a favorite of O-Rekt staff,” said trip leader Dyson Treeman, while stocking 30-racks of Coors Light in a canoe. “The Bender is a fantastic chance for students to visit a beautiful state park, relax before finals and engage in all kinds of irresponsible antics and substance abuse.” Over the course of the two-day trip, students will have the opportunity to stumble through hiking trails and barely stay afloat in rivers and pristine groundwater springs. Mountain biking was discontinued after officers discovered that the event was discouraging students from drinking. “Everybody loves mountain biking, and students were staying sober so they could be safe during the activity, and that just doesn’t vibe with the goals of the trip” said O-Rekt Officer Roper Slackman, before continuing to work on his Yoga kegstand pose. continued on PAGE 3