Trinibonian
Trinity drought
From dean to dream
Dean Buttle explains to many new responsibilities that come with being an Instagram star
Students embrace their inner dirt racers as they hunt for water in a dry lower-campus wasteland. PAGE 3 ALTERNATIVE FACTS
Volume 114 Issue Too many to count
PAGE 5 FLAT LINE
Trolling Trinity University Since 1902
Male Athletes Trinity male athletes are fed up with being sexualized. PAGE 7 ATHLETICS
APRIL 21, 2017
Athletes evacuate Mabee Hall Athletes flee to parking lot following television channel change from ESPN BY PADDING ReSUME
ALTERNATIVE FACTS REPORTER Dozens of student athletes were evacuated from Mabee dining hall on Thursday night after a student changed one of the televisions to a channel other than ESPN. The tragedy has shaken the Trinity community to its core, and claimed the mental sanity of a yet-unconfirmed number of athletes. The incident happened around 6:48 p.m., when first-year Estelle Blythe tried to change the channel from a 5-hour rerun of the Swoleball Championship Finals. “I thought people might appreciate if I put on ‘The Office’ or something,” Blythe said, foolishly. “I didn’t think anybody was watching.” TUPD responded swiftly by providing all affected athletes with protein-enriched chocolate milk and cookies shaped like SportsCenter head anchor Matt Barrie. “Our first priority is to help them regain psychological stability,” said TUPD Officer Tig McGunn. “Until then, we’re keeping them in a classroom and letting them watch some Tony Robbins videos to
get their morale back up.” “We have known for a while that our campus athletes could be easily thrown offbalance,” wrote Dean of Students Shlavid Shluddle in an official statement on his blog. “We had a close call a few months ago when an assistant coach changed the baseball field music to something other than AC/DC’s greatest hits.” Dean Shluddle also made some conjectures as to the source of the problem. He wrote, “The Bell Center renovations made them particularly fragile, and this might be the result.” Shluddle also asked the Trinitonian to tell you to please read his blog, and remind you that he puts a lot of work into it, and the views mean a lot to him. Eyewitness accounts emphasized the athletes’ inability to flee the scene. “They started to run, but it was a total mess,” said sophomore engineering student Martha Bloom. “They were all covered in ice-packs, which made their movements slow and clumsy.” At press time, estimates ranged between 14 to 37 affected student athletes. “We tried to run out of the dining hall, but we all got to the doors at the same time and got stuck,” said pitcher Bobby Gaines from underneath a safety blanket. “I thought the dining hall was a safe place for us, but I guess I was wrong.” Bell Center staff was understandably
Students console each other outside of Mabee Dinning Hall while waiting for TUPD to arrive. distressed. “We are all surprised and overwhelmed by the calamity of recent events,” said trainer Susan Goodform. “We work very hard to create a habitat for
Elevator achieves sentience Biomaterial waste leads to living elevator in Bruce Thomas hall BY RICARDITO SANCHEZ
ALTERNATIVE FACTS REPORTER Things took a paranormal turn last week when one of the filthy, disgusting Bruce Thomas Hall elevators suddenly became a living, breathing organism. The inanimate metal hull presumably gained sentience once so much filth accumulated inside that the likeliest outcome was the sudden acquisition of life and consciousness. “Enough biological matter accumulated within the enclosed space so as to spontaneously generate life,” said Walter Mitchum, professor of biology. “Considering the steady temperature, ideal air moisture and steady flow of electricity, it was just a matter of time before this elevator became a respiring organism.” This event came as a result of students spitting, farting, dropping food and occasionally pissing on the elevator floor. “I
peed in the elevator once, but only as a joke,” said a student speaking to the Trinitonian on the condition of anonymity. “We didn’t expect the elevator to go all ‘Stranger Things’ on us though.” The elevator remains functional, but some of the students who have used it never reemerged. Soon after each disappearance, the elevator walls sprouted appendages which closely resemble those of the growing number of missing students. “The elevator is probably consuming them to form an organic superstructure,” said Zachary Morrissey, president of the sci-fi club. “In a way, all of those students are still there, only better. I for one look forward to becoming one with the elevator.” One student commented on the economic implications of the elevator. “I’m mostly concerned about the elevator eating into our scholarship pool,” said sophomore Patrick Whitman. “Right now, the elevator is technically Asian, Hispanic, half-Nigerian and three-eighths Native American. If it applied to Trinity, it could technically get five consecutive Pell Grants. We can’t allow that to happen.” In spite of the potential for death by assimilation, students in the upper floors have continued using the now-sentient elevator. “What am I supposed to do?” said
Thomas resident Monica Hill, “I live on the eighth floor. Walking up that many stairs right after a leg workout would destroy my calorie counter.” Many Thomas residents have responded with understandable outrage. “I warned y’all this would happen!” said Thomas vigilante Martin Stubbleface, who now patrols Thomas in hopes of catching anyone who will desecrate the other, non-living elevator. “Many months ago, I hung a pledge of cleanliness outside the elevator for everyone to sign, but nobody took me seriously. Nobody listened!” A small group of pro-elevator residents have asked the student body to be more tolerant of the elevator’s existence. “It’s a living, breathing being, and I think we should try to understand how it thinks, and what it feels,” said Student Diversity Ambassador Melissa Noriega. “For now, we’re trying to figure what pronouns the elevator prefers.” It is unclear what next steps the university will take. “We are appalled and disgusted at the fact that students took so little care of the elevator that it lead to the spontaneous generation of self-aware life,” said Manny Jankerson, president of Trinity. “We’re confident, however, that we can somehow spin this into being an integral part of the Campus Master Plan.”
the athletes to feel safe in, and things like these are severe setbacks.” At press time, Yolanda was unavailable for comment.
O-Rekt Plans Annual Irresponsible Trip to Big Bend BY YOUR BRAIN ON O-REC
ALTERNATIVE FACTS REPORTER This weekend, O-Rekt is departing for their Completely Irresponsible Annual Big Bend Bender Trip to Big Bend State Park. “The trip is a favorite of O-Rekt staff,” said trip leader Dyson Treeman, while stocking 30-racks of Coors Light in a canoe. “The Bender is a fantastic chance for students to visit a beautiful state park, relax before finals and engage in all kinds of irresponsible antics and substance abuse.” Over the course of the two-day trip, students will have the opportunity to stumble through hiking trails and barely stay afloat in rivers and pristine groundwater springs. Mountain biking was discontinued after officers discovered that the event was discouraging students from drinking. “Everybody loves mountain biking, and students were staying sober so they could be safe during the activity, and that just doesn’t vibe with the goals of the trip” said O-Rekt Officer Roper Slackman, before continuing to work on his Yoga kegstand pose. continued on PAGE 3
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WWW.TRINIBONIAN.COM • APRIL 21 2017
BRIEFS TUPD Location: North Hall Date: 04-12-17 Time: 2:47 p.m. Classification: Off-season Uggs Location: Mabee Hall Date: 04-18-2017 Time: 3:01 p.m. Classification: Did not reply when Yolanda said “Goodbye, mijo.” Location: Cardiac Hill Date: 04-15-17 Time: 12:15 p.m. Classification: Thighs too swole
continued from FRONT
O-Rekt Plans Trip to Big Bend
The Bender isn’t just about getting absolutely smashed as you venture into the wild. “O-Rekt strives to make trips available and meaningful to any student who wants to enjoy nature and bond with fellow students while in an irresponsibly altered state of mind,” said Rosie Shroom, pupils dilated, before walking away to stare at a tree trunk for half an hour. Penny-pinching students should be aware that this year’s Bender is cheaper than last year’s. Additional funding comes from O-Rekt’s Barely-Legal Organic Garden, which was recently built in collaboration with the Biology Department, the Sinaloa Cartel, and the Thomas 8th Floor Stoners Association. The patch has flourished and now grows weed, shrooms, peyote, coca and opium poppies, which are harvested by trip leaders and distributed the first night of the trip.
Location: Trinity Pool Date: 04-17-17 Time: 3:26 p.m. Classification: Self-immolation Location: Center for Science and Innovation Date: 04-58-27 Time: 37:85 x.m. Classification: Spacetime disruption
Housing needed. Box on the side of the road will suffice as well. Send smoke signals north. Swim lessons needed. Trying not to drown at the next sorority beach. ILY. Tweet @party_girl2K17
Looking for bros to bro with. Don’t have any bros and its making me feel down bro. Find me in the weight room. I’m the guy that squats the most. Looking for late night “study” partner. Clothing optional ;p DM me @party_girl2K17 Classified needed. They are free you idiot students. You don’t even need to give us your money.
Want to take out an ad?
Compiled by an unpaid intern
INDEX
“This was a great opportunity for our students to learn some of the real-world applications of horticulture and to bolster the university’s international connections,” said visiting biology professor Pablo Escobar. The trip came under scrutiny when Dean Schmuttle noticing a receipt for $200 of rolling papers from Planet K in O-Rekt’s expense reports. “This purchase certainly violates the spirit, if not the letter of Trinity’s new tobacco-free policy,” Schmuttle said, “I’d like to remind students that tobacco is addictive and unhealthy. Also, bongs are way smoother than spliffs.” Students interested in attending this year’s Big Bend Bender should look for sign-up sheets located at Coates University Center, Don’s and Ben’s or the Wine & Beer Aisle at HEB. Vaping during the trip will be strictly prohibited.
CLASSIFIEDS
Location: Chapman Center Date: 04-16-17 Time: 4:57 p.m. Classification: Givin’ lip Location: TUPD Headquarters Date: 04-14-17 Time: 1:13 a.m. Classification: Self-arrested after realization of realizing the futile nature of policing.
• ALTERNATIVE FACTS
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Alternative Facts........................................ 2-3 Thoughts bro........................................... 4 Flat Line.................................................... 5-6 Mostly losing teams................................. 7-8 We know the paper is short. Buy a damn ad every now and then.
Staff
editor-in-chief: Julia Child managing editor: Alexandra the Great business manager: High Roller ad directors: Dream Girls news editor: Sully campus pulse editor: Stunt Double arts & entertainment editor: Late Night DJ sports editor: Silent opinion editor: The listener photo editor: Prettifier graphic editor: Tyler the Creator layout editor: Who?
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Corrections Spot a mistake? Bummer. Whatchya want?
Identification The Trinibonian [ USPS $%@#$&] [issn 1067-7291] is published once during the academic year, by Trinity University, One Trinity Place, San Antonio, TX 78212-7200. Subscription price is nothing because this is fake. Periodicals Postage Paid at San Antonio, TX. POSTM ASTER: Send address changes to the Trinitonian, One Trinity Place, #62, San Antonio, TX 78212-7200. Opinions expressed in the Trinitonian are those of the authors and do not necessarily represent the opinions of Trinity University, its students, faculty, staff or the Trinitonian. Editorials represent the opinions of the Trinitonian Editorial Board. The first copy of the Trinitonian is free; additional copies are 50 cents each. ©2016. All rights reserved.
ALTERNATIVE FACTS • APRIL 21, 2017 • WWW.TRINIBONIAN.COM
Chaos ensues as drought plagues campus
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Water outage turns lower campus into Mad Max-like dystopia as students turn against each other BY RICARDITO SANCHEZ
ALTERNATIVE FACTS REPORTER An unexpected water outage on Wednesday morning Trinity’s lower campus into a barren wasteland closely resembling the movie “Mad Max.” After several hours without running water, the land dried up, social order crumbled and a new cult of motor engines was established. “We’re still working hard to restore regular water flow to campus,” said Schmaron Shmweitzer, wielding a nail-studded baseball bat while riding the back of a retrofitted mustang. “Until that happens, we encourage students to form multi-ethnic tribal units and wander the wasteland in search of water.” “Initially, I was concerned that I wouldn’t be able to wash my hair. said sophomore Terry Woolworth, leader of a biker gang controlling most of the Mabee Parking Lot, “Now I’m concerned about being used a human blood bag by other students.” Water is a distant memory for most residents of the first-year and sophomore quad, who have resorted to makeshift weaponry and shamanism. “Of course I’m concerned about the potential loss of life and our basic humanity becoming compromised,” said senior Faith Evanson as she used a bike chain to choke a
SCHMARON SHMWEITZER was impressively prepared for the water outage with protective clothing and weapons to brave the waterless wasteland.
member of a warring tribe. “The thing is that without water, we can’t flush our own poo. We’ve already lost what separated us from common animals.” The Swim Team has become the most powerful faction in the new dystopian society. After barricading themselves inside the fence of the outdoor pool, the swimmers took control of the only source of clean water
on lower campus. “All shall bow down to the power of PoolPool!” said Jackson Spat, Swim Captain. The Trinibonian attempted to ask follow-up questions, but reporters were chased away by swimmers wielding sharpened pool nets. University administration attempted to reestablish order, but all efforts were ineffective. TUPD was dispatched to impose order, but
only a few survivors returned to the safety of upper campus. “They are sweaty, unshaven and gross,“ said surviving TUPD Officer John Gunning, “They turned Golf Carts into 500 horsepower killing machines. I’m not going down there again. They’re savages.” All activities and classes on upper campus will continue as usual.
CompSci kids busted Campus outbreak increases Students try to make profit using campus 3-D printers
BY KINKO
ALTERNATIVE FACTS REPORTER One thing Trinity can’t stop raving about is the accessible 3-D printers they’ve graciously provided for their students. However, it’s been brought to the school’s attention that the only people who actually use the 3-D printers are Essential Information Technology students when they’re forced to make a video about the Center for Learning and Technology, where these printers are located, and computer science students. The school found that computer science students were using the 3-D printers pretty often and had also broken a few that needed to be replaced. To figure out what exactly they were doing, the school installed a check-in system so that they could see how often the printer was being used and what was being made. “We found that not only were the computer science students making inappropriate items that are known to be used for self-pleasuring and illegal activities, they’ve also been selling them,” said Anny Danderson, president of the university. The results were shocking to some, but not surprising to others. “I’ve always thought that the children at this school were good kids. I am appalled,” said Chaplain Pickle. “I don’t expect anything less from these kids. The [computer science] students are extremely smart, so they probably saw this as an entrepreneurship opportunity,” said Dave Turtle, dean of students. “Yeah, I made a couple of dildos and sold them to some people near the dumpsters
by Mabee,” said Johnny Johnson III. “My philosophy is, if the school’s basically begging us to use these printers, why not profit off of them? If I’m being honest, I feel like I’m doing a public service,” Johnson III said. Not only were dildos high in demand, pipes and bongs were too. “It’s crazy that people are willing to pay an excessive amount of money for these 3-D printed bongs and pipes when you can literally smoke out of an apple or a water bottle. Anyways, that’s their perogative. I don’t judge. I just want my money, you know?” Mary Jane said. The most unusual thing that President Danderson found was the construction of a dummy. “One student actually printed limbs, fingers and all the parts of a face and basic human being. He pretty much constructed his ideal girlfriend,” Danderson said. Word reached Danderson when the student, who will remain unnamed, started taking the dummy to classes. Students and professors complained that the dummy was a distraction and eventually the student was banned from bringing the dummy to class. “Yeah, I know that kid. His girlfriend came out to be really disproportional, but he told me that next time he’ll take legitimate measurements and perfect her so she looks more realistic,” Jane said. “It really wasn’t that distracting in class. I thought it was cool that he had the balls to do that,” Johnson III said. The Center for Learning and Technology and the university’s top donors will be meeting next week to determine whether or not there is a necessity for 3-D printers on campus. Pick up the next issue of the Trinibonian to see whether computer science students will be able to profit off of these printers next year.
traffic at health services Students flock to health services in response to unknown stomach bug BY AH CHU
FLAT LINE REPORTER For the past few weeks, a stomach bug has been going around on campus. Several students have fallen ill, and attendance has reached an all-time low. Jeromy Johnson, a junior biology major, was one of the many students who was affected by the mysterious sickness. “It was the strangest thing. One day I was fine, and the next day I couldn’t leave my bed. I barely made it to Health Services. However, when I got there, they were insanely busy. They asked me to come back in a few days,” Johnson said. Due to the sudden increase in illness on campus, Health Services has gotten more business in the past week than they have in the past year. “It has been an absolutely crazy week for us,” said Sandy Terry, a nurse who works at Health Services. “So many students have been coming in due to a sudden case of the stomach bug. We are hoping to help the students feel better as quickly as possible,” Terry said. Terry recommends that all students make sure they are washing their hands before and after eating food, in order to prevent coming into contact with any unwanted bacteria. Ethan Coli, a senior psychology major, has a pile of makeup work due to his absences. “I would have used the hand sanitizer stations on campus, but they were always empty,” Coli said. Further research into this has confirmed that hand sanitizers in Mabee
Dining Hall, as well as on the entire campus, have been empty for weeks. “I’m an extremely active member on campus. Besides schoolwork, I run track and am a member of the Global Health Initiative . I don’t have time during lunch to wash my hands,” Johnson said. Many rumors of Health Services creating the shortage of hand sanitizer on purpose have circulated the campus. Some students believe Health Services is trying to increase their business. “I wouldn’t be surprised,” Coli said. “I had never gone to Health Services in the past three years that I’ve attended Trinity, but this week I’ve been there 10 times. My friends and I hang out there after class every day now.” In fact, Health Services is so busy that they are currently booked for the rest of the year. “We’ve seen a complete turnaround in terms of demand. There was no one in the waiting room until this past week,” Terry said. “Now, it’s completely different. There are so many students that they have moved Nacho Hour Wednesdays and Milk and Cookies Thursdays to Health Services! The students love it and are there until we close. It’s almost like Health Services is the new Coates!” “I have to admit, Nacho Hour Wednesdays in Health Services has been super fun,” Coli said. “We’re all in Health Services anyways, so it’s super convenient.” Unfortunately, hand sanitizer is not available at these events. “We are looking into the concerns about the lack of hand sanitizer, but it looks like it’ll be a while until we can find a solution,” Terry said. “The university recently purchased some land and might not be able to afford any big purchases for a while.” In the meantime, students are sure to have plenty of company while waiting for their antibiotics.
Thoughts bro
...
COMMENTARY We will seriously accept anything. Have you seen this paper? We are so starved for content that we will actually publish anything. Don’t feel too special.
What Donald Trump taught me about website building BY REPORTER GONE ROGUE WEB EDITOR
I have a confession to make; I’ve been struggling the past several weeks. Fixing a website is hard work, and there’s been several visible and invisible issues that have made keeping the Trinitonian.com up and running virtually impossible. While the website has been down, huge stories have gone by without being available online, like Daniel Conrad’s Dinesh D’Souza piece and Jeff Sullivan’s story exposing the Phi Sigs for hazing. We eventually reached a point where it wasn’t worth it to keep dealing with our old hosting platform and decided to go with a new one. It’s exciting to be with a new host, it really is. However, since there have been no visible signs of change yet, it can be frustrating to invest in something new and have nothing to show for it. Every day, we receive emails about web migration and the importance of safely doing so. These emails have made me refocus on something far more important than a simple school newspaper: Donald Trump. Donald Trump’s immigration policy is one that, initially, makes no sense. Two years after he first told the world he was going to “build a wall and make Mexico pay for it,” it still doesn’t make sense. To me, however, my issues with the Trinitonian website have allowed me to
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EDITORIAL We’re sorry.
We are so sorry
We’re so sorry for everything in this past year. It’s been a long ride and, don’t worry, it’s finally almost over. As we reach the end of our tenure as the editorial board of the Trinibonian we would like to apologize for everything we’ve inflicted on this campus. We’re sorry for reporting about Trinity Baseball’s win four months after it happened. We’re even more sorry for devoting two full pages to their ring ceremony that took place almost a year after their win. We’re sorry we started “Let’s Make it Awkward” and we’re sorry we kept trying to make it happen even though we all knew it was never going to happen. We honestly brought it up so many times but only ever did like one actual column for it. We’re really, really sorry we wrote so much about the election. Don’t worry we’re just as sick and tired of politics as you are. Starting next year we have decided to ban politics from the Trinibonian. We’re putting all of us out of our misery. We’re super sorry for anyone who was ever victimized by an Alex-Emily adventure. We genuinely did not encourage the behavior and we would like to apologize to anyone who’s favorite spot received a poor rating. We’re sorry for every nonsensical graphic we’ve used. From our debating cigarette to our Trump/Clinton - Scylla/Charybdis monstrosity, we apologize from the bottom of our collective heart. We’re really sorry we aren’t competent enough to maintain a working website. Most importantly we’re sorry for every single thing in this issue. If you still chose to pick us up next week please contact us. We have questions. Sincerely, The Mismanagement
view Trump in a whole new light. All of the issues we have suffered through have been because we built our website on a shaky foundation. We let in the wrong people, and had weak protection from the dangers of drugs, criminals or internal server glitches. What we needed was an ironclad, automatically backed up gate, not a rusty wrought-iron fence with a “do not enter” sign. Our website is filled with bad hombres, which say nasty things like, “This server could not verify that you are authorized to access the document requested. Either you supplied the wrong credentials (e.g., bad password), or your browser doesn’t understand how to supply the credentials required.” Maybe, just maybe, there is some merit to President Trump’s plan. Maybe we should build a wall, a wall around our website to keep out intruders who would like to block our content from the world. We should construct a site that is immaculately designed, then keep it restricted to only those with the right username and password. We should build a wall, a firewall to make sure that our content is accessible to all of our readers. Or, maybe we should just get a better hosting platform. I think that might work slightly better.
Flat line
Buttle shines in Instagram community Beloved dean discusses the new responsibilities and pressures that come with being a world famous Inststar BY ALEXANDRA THE GREAT MISMANAGED EDITOR On top of being the “Best in the West”, Trinity can now add “Home to Instagram Famous Person” to our long list of accolades. More specifically, we can now boast that Davis Buttle, dean of students, is certified on Instagram. I sat down with Buttle to talk about his rise to fame, life in the spotlight and the effect it has had on his job as dean of students.
Interviewer: Thank you so much for taking the time to sit down with us. Buttle: Anything for a fan. I: What was the post the rocketed you to stardom? B: Well, really, it was a collection of posts. I’ve been building up my social media presence for several years now. I think my most famous pic was probably the one I took at Coachella. I think I really captured the free spirit of the festival. Plus, my flower crown was probably the best one there this year.
I: What is your favorite photo that you’ve posted? B: I posted a really great Boomerang recently. I was promoting Sugar Bear Hair Vitamins. Honestly, they’re the reason that my hair has looked so healthy recently. I: Tell me a little bit about your experience working with sponsored content.
B: I’ve really enjoyed it. So far I’ve worked with sponsors like Sugar Bear, FitTea and the Kardashian Waist Trainer. It’s been really great getting paid for something I enjoy doing.
I: Has that been the only perk of becoming Instagram famous? B: It’s definitely been the biggest perk for my bank account. In all honesty it’s been great because I feel like I’m much more relatable to
One of DEAN BUTTLE’s most popular candid, no filter photo taken while on vacations. Photo provided by DEAN BUTTLE. To receive permissions to use this photo it was required that we printed this large. “You’re welcome,” said Buttle.
students. They used to see me as just Dean Buttle, someone they could make memes about during finals week. But now they see me as someone they can look up to, someone they can aspire to be. I really hope my photos have inspired at least one student to go out there and live their best life. My Twitter
account has gotten a lot more followers as well.
being fake. You’re not going to get any followers that way.
I: What advice would you give
I: Anything else? Like specific
to someone trying to make it big online?
filters to use or anything like that?
B: Just be the most authentic you possible. No one wants to see you
B: I use FaceTune and Perfect 360 on photos when I’m not looking as fresh as I would like. But like I said,
I try to stay as authentic as possible.
I: Final question for you.
What is your Instagram handle in case any of our readers aren’t following you?
B: It’s @realButtle. But you know they’re already following me.
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WWW.TRINIBONIAN.COM • APRIL 21, 2017 •
FLAT LINE
Trinity replaces motivational banners in favor of more realistic world mottos Fluff is removed from school posters to show students what the real world is like BY REALITY FLAT LINE REPORTER Be on the lookout for new changes soon to come to campus. Students are likely familiar with the various banners placed across campus. The banners offer words of inspiration and encouragement, and for many are the boost they need to get them through the day. However, administration feels a change is appropriate. “Starting next semester, the statements on the banner will be replaced with more realistic messages,” said Meryl Streep-Tynes, ViceSupreme Leader of Student Affairs. “Here at Trinity, we value honesty above all else. Let’s be honest, the world is a pretty awful place. Your hard work is unlikely to pay off, and cheaters always prosper.” A number of faculty members came forward in support of these changes. One professor expressed disdain for one banner in particular. “The idea that students should get to know their faculty because ‘they are the reason we teach here’ is preposterous,” said a professor under the condition of anonymity. “I’m in this for that sweet upper education cash, baby.” Another banner currently reads, ‘I am convinced you can learn something anywhere and from just about any situation. Ask yourself - what could I be learning from this?’ One student expressed her skepticism in such
MERYL STREEP-TYNES provided samples of the new realistic banners.
a message. “How can you honestly sit there and try to tell me that you can learn from any situation? Last week I saw a student put his entire mouth around the water fountain spout,” said junior Jonah Marionsen, “I’m talking teeth, lips, the whole shebang. What am I supposed to learn
from that situation?” Other faculty members backed this sentiment. “I definitely feel like I could do without a lot of experiences. You remember that Ghostbusters reboot that came out last year? I didn’t need to see that,” said Dr. Mill Soginist.
A number of students admitted that the old banners never resonated with them. “Take this one for example” one student explained, pointing to one of the banners. “It says ‘Lead with compassion and determination, follow with humility and accountability’. Who thrived in America and later moved into The White House? Exactly.” A number of new banner designs have been proposed. The first of these read “Procrastination: Hard work often pays off after time, but laziness always pays off now.” We really feel as if this message can speak to the student body. Another proposed banner will read: “Believe in yourself...because the rest of us think you’re an idiot.” Dean Shuttle praised the new banners. “We always talk about how important self love is, yet we never talk about the importance of being self aware. It’s funny how we all can agree there are idiots, yet none of us admit that we may be one of them.” A few more banners will include the Edgar Bergen quote “hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?”, as well as Ellen Degeneres’s wise words “Procrastinate now, don’t put it off”. Administration is thrilled to roll out the new designs as soon as the Library Print Center can stop printing outside the margins. When asked whether these new changes have raised any controversy, Dean Tuttle admitted that “honestly no. I mean who even reads these things, am I right? Of course I’m right, I’m the friggin Dean, fam.” The Dean subsequently dabbed and declined to provide further comment.
Trinity students homeless in 2017-2018 Students weigh in on best on-campus housing and what they plan to do if they end up on the streets BY SIEW AILUJ FLAT LINE REPORTER On April 7, Residential Life staff held the rooming reservation process for residence halls in the 2017-18 school year. However, due to the lack of email reminders from the ResLife staff*, no Trinity students actually remembered to sign up for their rooms. “I was just headed to class with my friends in my math class when they asked me what dorm I wanted to live in next year. I realized, ‘Shit! I was supposed to sign up for rooms yesterday.’ But, like, how was I supposed to know? They emailed me about that like two weeks ago or something,” said Jack Johnson, a sophomore scientology major. Johnson is just one of Trinity’s 2,338 students who will be spending next school year
homeless. Because Trinity’s student population had not been made aware of the date for room sign-ups more than two times, they are now left to seek shelter around campus. Students are currently scavenging various bushes and rocks around campus that could sustain them for the nine months they plan on attending classes. Criteria for living arrangements include: proximity to buildings with classrooms, protection against wild animals and, if they are being particularly selective, protection against precipitation. (Pro Tip: Living inside of the upper campus buildings as opposed to outside of them will guarantee never being late to class again. If any are still available, try finding empty study rooms in the Center for Sciences and Innovation. We recommend the ones on the sixth floor.) Some spots that have already been claimed are the lawn chairs by Miller Fountain. Word has it that first-year engineering majors are in the process of constructing forts out of the white chairs. “In light of recent events, I decided that
this could be the major design project for my first-year engineering students” said John Leaf, professor of engineering. “I really think it will push their creativity and design skills to a whole new level.” While the chair forts may not be the most comfortable to sleep on, they have the benefit of having a sleek, classic American style, as well as being in the vicinity of the famous Miller Bathtub Fountain. Aside from the white lawn chairs, several spots are still available. The bleachers in the Track and Field stadium provide strong protection against rain, as well as easy access to viewing track meets, which is obviously a major concern, too. Another location likely to be popular is Coates Library, with those new comfortable study chairs that could double as beds. A plus is that living where you study could really improve your productivity. Some community members have raised the question of what will happen to the residence halls now that they will stand empty in the fall. Possum Alliance members have already begun to petition to allow the campus opossums to
move into the free space. You can find their table at the Coates University Center on Monday to Friday from 11 a.m. to 2 p.m. While some Trinity students are frustrated that they won’t be able to take advantage of Trinity’s dorm-like palaces, others are making the best of it. “Yes, it does stink that we can’t live in any of those eight buildings that were built just for us, but sometimes that’s what happens and we need to make the best out of our situation. I believe that positivity truly is the key to making any situation better,” said April Showers, a senior Earth major. Showers is planning on living in the community garden next year, as she only needs lettuce for sustenance and the bark should be comfortable enough to sleep on. If you’re a Trinity student looking for some shelter for the 2017-18 school year, keep your head up, get creative and don’t forget that they didn’t build that shower in CSI for nothing. Good luck, Tigers! *We reached out to Residential Life staff for a comment, but they declined our invitation.
Concerning snapchats inspire Trinity Reformation BY SNAPPY CHATTY FLAT LINE REPORTER Citing concerns about the student body’s decaying values and fear for their immortal souls, Trinity administration has decided to return the university to its religious roots, effective immediately. The decision came after Dean of Students David Turtle accidentally discovered Trinity Snaps and witnessed the soul-damning depravity of Trinity students. “I clicked through the story and could not believe my eyes,” Turtle said. “This is beyond conduct board. Students posting on Trinity
Snaps are potentially staring down at eternal damnation.” Soon after discovering the Trinity Snaps account, Turtle showed Danny Randerson, president of Trinity. Randerson was appalled by what he saw. “This was not part of the Campus Master Plan. This strategic master plan involves renaming entrances and exits to campus. I wish students were more focused on Trinity Tomorrow, rather than Trinititty Tuesday,” Randerson said. Trinititty Tuesday is a tradition in which anonymous women send nude photos of their breasts to be posted on the Trinity
Snaps account. “What’s next? Bacchanalian orgies? Devil-worshipping?” said a concerned Reverend Wickle, “we must return to our non-non-denominational standing before all Trinity cats are sacrificed on a pentagram.” Wickle also heads a new commission dedicated to combatting the debauched, borderline delinquent imagery being posted on Trinity Snaps. “We have been sending pictures of rosaries, crosses, and bible verses.” said Wickle, “so far, none of them have been posted, but we remain hopeful that students will return to the light.” The administration already announced several radical new structural changes meant
to prevent the collective hellbound damnation of campus. There will be a mandatory church service, a 10pm curfew, and a strict non co-ed dorm policy. “Conduct Board will be restructured to function more like the Salem Witch Trials,” said Mindy Fellows, head of Conduct Board, “if you believe one of your peers has sent obscene photos to Trinity Snaps, they will be duly tried and judged. And if they float when they are thrown into a body of water, they will be burned at the stake.” All students are advised to meet with their resident mentor to register for a section of scripture study.
Mostly losing teams
Male athletes want more than their pretty boy stereotype Male Athletes fed up with being sexualized by community. Want to be recognized for athletics abilities rather than looks BY CHRIS GOOPY DIDN’T MAKE IT AS AN ATHLETE REPORTER In an open letter to the Trinity community, assistant baseball coach and director of male inclusion Jesus Christ Bunch addressed sexism in sports. “Male athletes work just as hard as female athletes,” Bunch said, “and yet, our boys are subject to discrimination and objectification on a daily basis.” Among the grievances listed by Bunch was an article run by The Contempt-orary, entitled “Boyfriend of Trinity Goalkeeper Throws Ball.” The article was referring to Trinity pitcher, Mitch Nelson, who has been romantically linked to Trinity soccer star Emma Stone. In his letter, Bunch also cited a recently vandalized poster. An unknown offender spray painted over a baseball poster featuring pitcher Drew Butler. The player’s name now reads “Drew BUTT-ler,” and his ample rear is highlighted by a red paint circle. “This is indicative of a larger problem,” Bunch wrote in his email. “The objectification of baseball players’ butts represents a systemic vein of sexism within sport culture.” Due in part to how a baseball windup can often showcase the fabulous curves of the male rear end, butt objectification disportionality affects male pitchers. In a survey of the Trinity baseball team, three of the 12 position players and 73 of the 86 pitchers said they have experienced inappropriate comments from female fans regarding their butts. “It’s insulting as an athlete and as an individual,” said pitcher Golden Dix, choking back tears, “I’m more than a butt.” Many female athletes feel that their male counterparts should take advantage of the objectification and use their sex appeal to bring interest to their sports. “Baseball will never be as interesting as softball. It’s not as clean or quick,” said softball player Spreffanie Sprumrine. “Because baseball games are inherently more dull, players have to play up their sex appeal if they want anyone to care.” Male athletes have expressed righteous indignation to the insulting suggestion that if a player wishes not be sexualized then he shouldn’t be sexy. “I don’t spend hours throwing sandbags at a brick wall because it’s sexy, but because I have no identity outside of it,” said pitcher Pian Hussy. “Almost every girl at this school tells me I have a perfect butt, but not once has anyone said I’m a good pitcher. Not even [pitching coach] Boylord Smithereens.” The sexism extends beyond the diamond. It permeates every area of sports. While some say male athletes should be free to express their sexuality, others feel that several instances of self objectification this year explain why sexism still persists in sports. Earlier this semester, posters to promote men’s swimming were hung outside of Mabee, in dorm elevators, in
Male athletes struggle with the sexual stereotypes that are attributed to them.
bathroom stalls and on the door of every single student on campus. The photos, allegedly taken with the athletes in Speedos, were cropped at the waist, giving the impression the swimmers were naked. “We didn’t know they would make us look naked,” said male swimmer and vegan Blake Spits. “I thought it was ballsy — no pun intended.” To many, the posters were made worse by the text which read: “Get wet!” “Wet like water,” said male swimmer Clarles Chark. “We swim in water and water is wet. When we swim we get wet. What’s wrong with being wet?” Women also had opinions. “I think it’s art,” said swimmer Tribecca Doduzzi, as she gave major side eye. “What’s more empowering to boys than knowing women think they’re hot?” Elsewhere, male basketball players promoted a game using their manly attributes with Stachey Friday, the players grew mustaches for one game. Some feel this is capitalizing on their manliness instead of their athletic abilities. “Stachey Friday is just a fun tradition,” said men’s basketball player Airon Knopped-Up. “We don’t have to act or look like women to play basketball.”
Still many think the night focuses on the masculine attributes of the players and not on their actual athletic abilities. “You’d never see this with female athletes,” said David Crockpot, professor of political science and sports fan. Male athletes often get flack for being too manly, but also receive pushback for not being manly enough. When a photo on Instagram showed male football player Joel Holmecomingking singing with Trinity Chamber Singers, some were outraged. “I honestly believe this is wrong,” said singer Marina Nopes. “You can’t sing and also play a sport.” When asked about the minor controversy, male choir director Gary Dangerboy was supportive of Holmecomingking. “I’ve always said as long as football rehearsal doesn’t interfere with Chambers, Joel is free to play football,” Dangerboy said. The negative voices were few and far between, outweighed by the support of Holmecomingking’s teammates. “People can be close minded,” said football player Luke Sackhard. “Come on guys, it’s 2017. Watch some ‘Glee’ and get over it.” Holmecomingking proved that he could hit the notes and hit the line. For his bravery, he was was awarded the SCAC Courage award
this past December. Holmecomingking never saw a conflict between music and football. “All those haters saying I’m too feminine, I’d like to see them go against me on the field!” Holmecomingking shouted, at no one in particular. “You can’t make me pick, you know why? Cause I’m incredible. I was on the football poster. I had a solo at the Christmas concert. I’m amazing, and the most humble person I know. There’s no one more humble than me. I got into Yale.” Bunch ended his letter by inviting Trinity students to an upcoming forum on Men in Sports, sponsored by SACC and SGA and hosted by Jacob Jingle. “I’m committed to pushing for equality in sports,” wrote Bunch. “These guys are here to get an education and play the sports they love, and sometimes just the latter. They’re not here for sex.” “JC is wrong. I’m here for sex,” said centerfielder Baked Frampton, winking creepily. “I mean baseball too, but mostly sex.”
Male athletes that need to talk about their feelings are more than welcome to hold share circle sessions in the locker rooms on the south side of the tennis courts.
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WWW.TRINIBONIAN.COM • APRIL 21, 2017 •
MOSTLY LOSING TEAMS
High athletes academic standards Student-athletes recall what really drew them to Trinity during initial recruiting trips COMPLIED BY A LEASE EVERCLEAR HESTURD DIDN’T MAKE IT AS AN ATHLETE REPORTER
Recruiting trips, the overnight visits in which prospective student athletes spend the night with current athletes, are often crazy and wild, as high school students get their first taste of college life. Here are the best stories I could find from current athletes about their experiences as high school recruits visiting Trinity University. Swimming and diving, Wade Taper: “It was on a recruiting trip to Trinity that I met my best friend. His name is weed.” Women’s soccer, Mia Hammered: “I had a three-hour conversation with [former head coach] Lance [Key] about life. Then I went to the Spouse [Spur House] and got spurnt [Spur turnt].” Volleyball, Anette Spike: “I got accidently left at Club Rio. I was freaking out but then I saw a group of guys with Trinity shirts on. One guy had my host’s number from
a class project. He was still sober and said he would drive me back to Trinity and help me find my host’s dorm. I couldn’t remember where she lived. He was a first year and had never been in the sophomore dorms, but took me to every floor of Thomas until I recognized the name on the door. That was five years ago. He’s now in grad school and I’m a senior. We’re getting married after I graduate. When our parents asked how we met we said YoungLife.” Football, Odell Beckham, Sr.: “What happens in the old Lancer house, stays in the old Lancer house.”
Men’s tennis, Nethanial Love: “Some players took me and three other recruits to a strip club. I’m gay. I wasn’t out back at home, but I told one of the players — and he’s like, ‘Yoooo! Let’s go to HARDBODIES.’ They wouldn’t let us in without ID so we just got tacos. They were really good tacos.” Baseball, Homer Fielding: “I got so messed up, I actually forgot what sport I played. I told someone ‘I do baaase-ketball.’ (I play baseball.) Also I barfed in [name redacted]’s hat. He told me, ‘Keep it.’ Before this I was torn about whether I wanted to go to Trinity or just sell crack
underneath a bridge, but being given a Trinity Baseball hat, no matter the circumstances, made me think, yeah, I could go here.” Men’s soccer, Dree Bull: “One of the players said, ‘We may not have scholarships, but we got scholar lips,’ and then this super hot chick started making out with me. She kind of just stopped after five minutes and said, ‘Yeah. I’m done here.’ She walked away and I didn’t see her for the rest of the night, but I did see her on my first day of classes when she was the peer tutor for my FYE. I always felt weird going into office hours.”