Trinibonian 2020

VOLUME = BASE X HEIGHT

TRINIBONIAN

6

Serving satire to the Trinity community since at least, like, 1987. Probably even before then.

Athletics Dept. requests money SPORTS for bigger, brighter scoreboard

7

SPB announces concert to replace ARTS the concert that replaced concert

APRIL 20, 2020

8

Uni adds more paths for golf carts, NEWS accidentally makes campus accessible

Gym dress code halts coronavirus spread Staff reports successful COVID-19 prevention due to strict policies MIDDE RIFFE | REPORTER On April 15, university staff declared the Bell Center a coronavirus-free zone for female students, thanks in large part to the heroic efforts to keep women’s shirts on at all times in the building.

“I’m happy to report that women are totally safe from COVID-19 within the walls of the Bell Center due to our dress code,” said Hugh G. Mussels, Head Dress Code Enforcer at the Bell Center. “People criticized us for telling women how to dress in the gym before, but now I bet they’re thanking us for keeping our Lady Tigers safe from exposure to the virus.”

When asked why the policy didn’t also apply to men, Mussels explained that, contrary to popular belief, male visitors are also strongly suggested to keep shirts on.

“I mean, we put up this big sign that says ‘Dudes, maybe keep

photo by CAMERA DIAZ

your shirt on,’ but honestly I’ve been so busy policing the women that I mostly just use the honor system for the men,” Mussels said, coughing loudly. “Besides, I’m only one guy, and I owe it to these queens to keep their bodies protected first and foremost. I think, just this once, we can trust men to play fair and follow the rules on this one.”

Despite the groundbreaking success of this public health

policy, some students have taken issue with the unequal nature of enforcement and the allegedly inaccurate scientific information being used to justify the dress code.

“It doesn’t really make any sense, because our hands are still exposed,” said Nho Shertz, junior biology major. “Just because nobody can see my midriff doesn’t mean I couldn’t be infected by COVID-19. The other day, I saw 20 different people use the same

elliptical machine and touch the handles, and not a single one of them wiped it down afterward.

But all the staff did was give one of the women a turtleneck to wear while she worked out.”

On Friday, in response to the outrage, Bell Center staff began giving female visitors free T-shirts printed with the motto, “No Cleavage, No Corona.”

“Stopping this pandemic is about keeping our souls just as healthy as our bodies,” said Mod S. Tee, campus chaplain. “I came up with the T-shirt’s motto because I wanted to emphasize how important it is to be modest in these times of infection. I made sure to shake hands with every woman who came by the gym on Friday and thank them for keeping covered up.”

Complaints, questions or thanks for the policy can be submitted to Bell Center staff at covidcroptops.trinity.edu.

Tiger Tenders found to be made of actual tiger Students protest, ask TU to ‘say sorry’ to LeeRoy CROGAN LEWS | REPORTER Last Friday, the Commons in Coates Student Center was a war zone, according to sophomore Ben Jamin. He had been standing in line for Tiger Tenders for upwards of 30 minutes when he said law enforcement came in, taped off the counter and took the cashier into custody.

“I have no clue what’s going students, staff and faculty that on,” Jamin said right after the said Tiger Tenders had been hubbub. “To be honest, though, serving tiger meat under the I don’t really care what kind of guise of chicken. criminal serves me my food as long “Although the San Antonio as I get my chicken.”

Health Department gave Tiger But the Tenders an ‘A’ in their last Food chicken itself Establishment was the Inspection, the problem. restaurant is now Davy Tuts, inoperable until dean of students further notice,” and associate vice Tuts wrote in president of Student the email. photo by ANDY HUBNET Life, sent an email “We now know the next day to all Trinity that Tiger Tenders

was serving actual tiger tenders, not chicken tenders.”

Trinity was alerted to this situation when junior Whitney Budowski noticed some of her “chicken” tenders seemed undercooked. Concerned for her health, she said she took them back to the Tiger Tenders counter.

“They told me that’s how the meat is supposed to look from that cut of the cat, and I was like, ‘What cat?’” Budowski said. continued on PAGE 6

2

APRIL 20, 2020

STAFF CATHLEEN CRETIN editor-in-chief KENNY DARING managing editor JUDAN JORAN business manager EILEEN STEWARD ad director KAY L’PADILLA news editor DINA NICHOLSON opinion editor KAREN MANAGER pulse editor USTIN AVIDSON arts editor BEEF MCDUMPHRIES visual editor ELBA RERRA special sections editor WOMINC DANTHONY platforms coordinator RAYNA HENDERSON social coordinator T.J. MAXX adviser REPORTERS Crogan Lews, Jandra Gerlak, O. Possom, Midde Riffe, Regina Phalange, Mary L. Samson, May A. Newfield, Nai Kuma, Raquel Poov, Sav Greenwall, Yuki Koyamazaki COLUMNISTS Eve Engel, Vicky Strong, Victoria Hunter, Nut Suha, Natalie Sal, Yosh Anay, Benji Eagle COPY EDITORS Nadine Crawley, Phoena Murph, Jort Brewster, Kate E. Brown VISUAL CONTRIBUTORS Andy Hebnut, Camera Diaz, Rabby Godrig, Nate Cooly, Quinn Butterfield, Marty Almed, Lizard Nels, Run Rider

CONTACT US

210-999-7070 trinibonian@trinity.edu trinibonian.com

Previously, on SGA: The following covers the meeting on April 15.

CLIMATE CHECK Sophomore senator Ollie Chapeiser said many students have complained about parking on campus. According to Chapeiser, 15 students ahave approached him with parking tickets that were left on their cars but shoulnd’t have been.

After each member shared their experiences with parking tickets — on campus and off — president Clara Carlton, junior, said she’d look into the the parking violations.

Dean of students and SGA adviser Davy Tuts reminded SGA to vote on behalf of the community, not because they felt events went against their own values. The Senate agreed, saying that neutrality was important.

FUNDING REQUESTS Trinity’s chpater of the Young Conservatives of Texas requested $500 to bring a progressive speaker to campus. The Senate listened to the presentation and asked 23 questions about

*

TRINIBONIAN.COM

*

NEWS

2 Hrs Longer Than Necessary: Your Average SGA Meeting

the speaker’s Twitter account. Ulitmately, SGA decided to deny the full amount, stating that the speaker would have gone against the university’s values. When asked to explain what they meant by “university values,” SGA said, “You know, like, progressiveness.” The speaker was brought to campus last fall by the Trinity Progressives.

Jimmy Thomas, SGA adviser, presented on behalf of the Office of Student Involvement for a $7,500 request. The request would partially cover a program that should have been entirely covered by the university. SGA approved the full amount wiht no questions for the presenter, their adviser.

ELECTIONS President Carlton reminded the Senate that they would soon be recampaigning for their positions. One senator mentioned that it seemed like five senators per class seemed like too many, especially for seniors who were graduating soon. So, wihtout consulting their Constitution nor running a vote passed the student body, members of SGA voted to limit seniors to four senators instead of the general four.

Work for us!

Care about independent student journalism!

Be proud to be at an institution that doesn’t manage its campus publications!

The usual!

TUPD BRIEFS On Monday, April 20, two students were caught blazing it over Zoom. The private call was Zoom-bombed by a TUPD officer, who told the students they’d ought to be less obvious about their smoking during the day. Both students were let off with a warning.

On Friday, April 17, a skunk was charged with public indecency as it sprayed on an administrator’s car. The case remains open as the skunk is currently on the lam.

Now hiring (for real).

Email kpadill1@trinity.edu for more info.

NEWS

*

TRINIBONIAN.COM

*

3

APRIL 20, 2020

Trinity dubbed “Best Institution Alice Walton instated as North of Brownsville, East of chair El Paso, West of Houston and Education Dept. she showed up to her office on Tuesday morning.

South of Austin” this month Trinity unveils As a tenured faculty member, ‘Walmart Charter School System’

Who cares if we’re not Best in the West?

Castellanos-Jiménez will remain with the department. Her role remains unclear.

Daniel “Mr. KIND” Lubetzky has been hired as the superintendent of the system.

“I’m excited for this branding opportunity — I mean, this exciting opportunity,” Lubetzky said.

Every school lunch will include a KIND coconut bar.

Monica Smith’s child currently attends IDEA Public Schools, but she plans on enrolling the student at a Walmart Charter School.

“Alice Walton is brilliant, and IDEA doesn’t have free Kind bars,” she said. “Walmart is a huge, successful corporation, so I’m excited to see what Ms. Walton does with this charter school system. I hope my child is accepted.”

Three sources — who were not authorized to comment and asked not to be named — told The Trinibonian that U.S. secretary of education Betsy DeVos is at the top of a short list to become principal of the flagship WalmartKind-PepsicoExxonmobil High School.

KAREN MANAGER | REPORTER

WOMANIC DANTHONY | REPORTER

For the first time, U.S. Snooze & Squirrel Report awarded Trinity University a No.1 ranking in the category of institutions North of Brownsville, East of El Paso, West of Houston and South of Austin. This comes one year after Trinity lost its 26-year “Best in the West” streak.

University president Annie Danderson took a break from her exhausting full-time job of recording herself reading poetry in various locations around campus to address this ranking in an email to the Trinity community.

“Trinity is a high-quality institution,” Danderson wrote.

“Even if we were not literally the only university that fits all the requirements of this ranking, we would probably still win it.”

Trinity was also recognized in a number of U.S. Snooze’s specialized lists, including: 1. Trinity was ranked No. 1 university in Texas founded

by Cumberland Presbyterians in 1869 in Tehuacana, Texas, from the remnants of three small Presbyterian colleges that had lost

The University announced Tuesday that Alice Walton, a Trinity alumna and heir to the Walmart fortune, will be the new chair of the Education Department.

Walton said she looks forward to opening a new network of charter schools in San Antonio.

“We will open a Walmart Charter School across the street from every public school in the city,” Walton said. “The public school system has left behind too many students for too long. We need to divert enrollment and funding from this failed system before it gets worse.”

The Walmart Charter School System will accept its first class of students in Fall 2021 and is currently hiring thousands of teachers.

The university’s decision to make Walton the new chair was done without consulting the current chair, Emmy Castellanos-Jiménez, who found out about the decision when illustration by ANDY HUBNET

illustration by NATE COOLY

significant enrollment during the Civil War. 2. Along with Trinity College, Trinity Christian College and Trinity Washington University, Trinity made the Top 4 U.S. universities named “Trinity.”

3. Trinity’s Bengal Prancers fraternity was named the best fraternity with only one active member.

“We may not be number one in everything, but we have so much to be proud of,” Danderson said in a Facebook Live video where he stands alone in Laurie Auditorium wearing a suit and tie, his voice echoing through the empty theater. “That Best in the West thing was probably rigged, anyway.”

join the

SKUNK ALLIANCE meetings held every Friday at 9:30 p.m. on the Esplanade

4

APRIL 20, 2020

*

TRINIBONIAN.COM

*

NEWS

Thomas elevators to switch to manual operation Change allows for more work study jobs on campus USTIN AVIDSON | REPORTER At a recent meeting of Trinity administrators, the vice presidents were having trouble trying to create more on-campus work-study jobs for students. As of now, there are only enough jobs for seven percent of the student body.

Many ideas were thrown into the mix, including “assistant to the assistant to the giant scoreboard” and “chief thrower away of trash bags full of Einstein’s Bagels.” As for fixing the Thomas elevators, no one had any ideas.

When all hope seemed lost and university president Annie Danderson was about to decree, “Just let them climb the damn building,” dean of students Davy Tuts came up with an idea.

“It was really a joint effort,” Tuts said.

“Another administrator and I, Beb Bryson, were lamenting that the Thomas elevators just keep breaking down, and it would just be easier to have all students use the stairs. And that’s when the idea hit me, we make the elevators manual and run by students!”

“It was really all Tuts,” said Bryson. “We’ve talked a lot about installing ladders on the side of building with nets underneath them, but the cost for good rope these days is so high. Plus, we love to give students opportunities to stay active and give back to the community.”

As for the details of the elevator job, Tuts

said it will be a work study job available to all “I really wanted the job,” said senior history qualifying students. Ideally, the job would and art major Olaf Bjorgsen. “I wanted to buy a have over eight students working it new axe with the money I would have made.” during the day, in two-hour shifts.

As for the students living in the “In a perfect world, the elevator building, they had thoughts on the would be running all day,” said upcoming changes.

Tuts. “But we get that that might “Why can’t they just gut the inside not be possible, you know, with of the building and make it better,” class schedules and all. We’re still said Arthur Potter, a sophomore living ironing out the details, but we on the third floor of Thomas. “This have talked about only having the new elevator won’t fix the other elevators available during certain glaring problems in the building.” times of the day to, you know, not “I hate the Thomas elevators,” overwhelm the students or add to said Dumbeldore Baggins, Potter’s campus burnout.” roommate. “They creak and shake and The elevator would be operated people vomit in there far too often. I by a system of weights and pulleys, heard they might install slides from illustration by the higher floors until the elevator though the details of how the RABBY GODRIG situation is worked out.” administration is going to change the electric elevator to a manual “I’m an economics major, and I one haven’t been finalized yet. have a passion for construction,” said Potter.

“Apparently, it’s harder than it looks,” said Tuts. “So, I did a price analysis for changing the “I asked Facilities Services to give me an estimate elevators from electrical to manual, and it’s as to how long it would take, and they haven’t way harder and financially not as sustainable gotten back to me. But, it probably wouldn’t take as just gutting the building and fixing it. Not that long.” to mention, students running an elevator A week after that comment, the university carrying other students sounds like a recipe emailed all the students who applied for the for disaster.” position, saying it would take a year to change When approached about these comments the elevator to manual operation and another and the price analysis, Tuts only focused on two months to train each of them. Despite this, the positives. the administration said they will still be going “This is a great idea,” said Tuts. “Though, it through with the change. Unfortunately, 20 of will most certainly be cutting the space of the the 30 people who applied were seniors, so they parking lots again, but I don’t think students won’t be able to do the job. care that much about parking.”

Dorms have hot water for the first time in six years No students on campus to confirm announcement CATHLEEN CRETIN | REPORTER On Monday, April 20, the university sent a campus-wide email announcing that all dorms have warm water. If true, it is the first time in six years that all dorms have had warm water simultaneously.

“We did it! Warm water for everyone,” the email reads. “Too bad you guys aren’t here to enjoy a warm shower in your tiled dorm bathrooms.”

The email, which was sent on behalf of Residential Life, was met with suspicion.

“I’m kind of just like… Interesting that now they were able to do it. Like, what changed about us

photo by CAMERA DIAZ

leaving that helped them get warm water across campus?” said senior Noah Moore, who said he’s submitted eight separate facilities service request since he was a first-year.

“I don’t trust it. There’s never warm water, no way that it’s warm now,” said Skip Tackle, a first-year whose McLean dorm hasn’t had warm water since he moved onto campus in the fall. “And like, no students to confirm it? Yeah, okay.”

But Facilities Services emphasized the validity of the announcement. They released a video of multiple administrators feeling the water in residence halls saying “Ooh, it’s warm” and “Wow, the water is so warm!”

The 28 students who were exempted from moving off-campus and still live in the residence halls declined to comment.

Only one responded to an interview request, saying “I’m so sorry they wouldn’t like that.”

NEWS

*

TRINIBONIAN.COM

*

3

APRIL 20, 2020

Tower Climb still on: Only one student sent up at a time to take pictures with a cardboard cut-out of President Danderson COVID-19 gives old tradition new look CATHLEEN CRETIN | REPORTER Every year, seniors anticipate the many traditions that await them in the spring semester: the brick signing, finally stepping on the seal, that last drunken crawl from the Strip of one’s college career. But with the recent change to online classes and closure of campus, seniors will miss out on all senior traditions this year. Except for one, that is.

The university will still host the Tiger Climb, a monumental moment in seniors’ time at Trinity.

Traditionally, students only enter the Tower twice: during New Student Orientation and during Senior Week.

Despite the pandemic, social distancing precautions and stayat-home orders, Trinity is hosting “Tower Climb: Climb the Curve.”

The Alumni Relations Office hopes the event will retain its allure, despite the drastic changes they’ve had to make to the tradition.

“So instead of having people all go up at once, we’ll be sending students one at a time,” said Alumni Relations director Brad U. Ation.

“And then once they get to the top,

there’ll be this cut-out of president Annie Danderson that they can pose with. There’s a selfie stick, too, and some wipes and cleaning supplies. We’re going to ask that each student kind of wipes down the selfie stick and cut-out so we can avoid the spread of germs. We’re all about flattening the curve.”

The cut-out and selfie stick aren’t the only changes from previous Tower Climbs. This time, there won’t be the Last Great Reception beforehand. According to Ation, the university is trying to avoid too many moving parts.

“Well so, normally, seniors will go up the tower after the Last Great Reception. So they’re super drunk, sometimes blackout, and it can be really hard to herd them up the narrow staircase,” Ation said.

“So luckily, that won’t be as big of an issue this year.”

However, some seniors have concerns about how long the event will take.

“I mean, I feel like sending one person up at a time is smart considering the circumstances, but I think they said it would take, like, eight hours. And that’s just a really long time, especially since they’re getting rid of the drinks before,” said senior Bern Tout.

KIND(A) *Not affiliated with Trinity alumnus Daniel Lubetzky

Alumni Relations declined to comment about the length of the ceremony.

Ultimately, the university aims to acknowledge the past four years for seniors.

“We just really want seniors to feel appreciated, especially during this unprecedented time,” Tess said. “This is such an important time, and we want them to know we’re thinking of them.”

The university has done many things to help seniors feel special this time, including sending posters to their current places of residence that say “Hang in there!” and have a cat hanging on a branch off a tree, maroon face masks that say “Future Alumni” and a final serving of Nacho Hour nachos, though some students have reported that the chips were stale upon arrival and the nacho cheese, which was packaged separately, had hardened too much to ingest.

The event is on May 16, the day initially scheduled for graduation.

“Seniors weren’t going to be able to be together on their graduation day! And now they can really feel like they’re together because they will be, just six feet apart,” Ation said.

Wholesome, healthy snack bars!

Now sold at the POD!

6

APRIL 20, 2020

*

TRINIBONIAN.COM

*

NEWS

Athletics requests money from the student emergency fund Despite real emergencies, department asks for funds to build new scoreboard CATHLEEN CRETIN | REPORTER “Bigger and better is important.

That’s all I care about. We need to be bigger and better to beat other schools in football. We need to be bigger and better to take back our Best in the West title. We need to be bigger and better so people stop saying, ‘Oh, you mean the Trinity in Connecticut?’”

When Dee Vision III, head coach of all Trinity sports, said this, she wasn’t referring to a bigger athletics budget, bigger teams, bigger athletes or a bigger mascot.

“We need a bigger scoreboard!”

Vision said. “The one we have now? Not big enough. I can only see it from CSI, when really, I should be able to see it from UIW’s track.”

Vision’s comments come after a lengthy debate about getting a new scoreboard. The current scoreboard, which is 28-feet tall and 48-feet wide, was funded and erected in Fall 2019. At the time, the project’s cost had been confidential, though sources say it was upwards of $1 million.

The new scoreboard would be 109-feet wide and 89-feet tall and would cost $4.5 million.

illustration by BEEF MCDUMPHRIES

“So, the issue is that we don’t have enough for all of it,” said Moni Baggs, who works with the finances of the Athletics Department as the Alumni Solicitor. “We’ve gotten about three-quarters of it from alumni, which is great. They really care about Trinity, alumni do. You can tell because they’re always giving the football team money, just so supportive.”

Athletics hopes the rest of the money will come from the institution.

“So, we were looking for other avenues for funding, right? And we saw this article that the Trinitonian did about this emergency student fund,” Baggs said. “It’s this fund for students and for emergencies, you know, because all this crazy coronavirus stuff is going on.

Panels: Panels: AA Panel Panel About About Panels Panels

And so we said, like, ‘Hey, this would benefit students and is an emergency, in a way, too.”

Baggs explained that since the coronavirus pandemic, Athletics has received 10 percent less in alumni donations than it normally would.

“Yeah, so I guess people are wanting to support local business and charities, and we’ve had a hard time convincing them that that’s kind of what we are, so we’ve only gotten like $3,375,000 from them, and normally it’s closer to $3.8 million by the end of April.

It’s not looking good.”

The committee which oversees the emergency fund is hesitant to support the project.

“I think that we are not so enthusiastic about this request

because there are so many things you could do with that much money,” said Lee Royce, chair of the committee. “Like, we could be buying more plasma TVs or floor-level furniture for Coates Student Center, or we could add cool LED lights to the fountains, or we could build another tennis court. It just seems extravagant.”

The committee isn’t the only group opposed to the purchase.

Students have aligned to create a new student organization against the issue, Students Without Boards.

“I, personally, am against it,” said sophomore Anita Reszst and a Student Without Boards-er.

“I live in Thomas and the lights on the current scoreboard are so bright, it looks like daytime all of the time in my room.”

Reszst is one of five members of the club, which has been meeting regularly over Zoom to discuss their action plan.

“I was excited to come home and finally get some solid sleep, but everything’s changed. I can’t sleep without the scoreboard anymore. I have to use three nightlights and a desk lap, but it just doesn’t do it for me,” Reszst said. “I’m so tired.”

The committee will decide on whether to allocate money to Athletics on Monday.

Zoom with your favorite TUPD officers at this year’s

TUPD NIGHT IN Friday, May 1 @ 3:30 p.m.

Northrup 040

RSVP now to have virtual COPcorn delivered to your current place of residence!

NEWS

*

TRINIBONIAN.COM

*

7

APRIL 20, 2020

SPB announces concert to replace concert that replaced concert

Members of the group are very excited to not tell anyone who will perform

USTIN AVIDSON | REPORTER After it was announced that Trinity would be closing up shop for the rest of the semester and moving classes online, Student Programming Board (SPB) realized their spring concert would also have to be shelved.

“I saw the news and was like diggity dangity darnit, we had such a great concert planned,” said Bilber Gompson, newly elected chancellor of SPB. The spring concert was intended to make up for the fall concert, which was a Fetty Flop.

While SPB would not disclose who the spring concert artist was going to be, they did use words to describe the artist like “Dope,” “Super Sick” and “Not T-Pain.”

Yet, in an emergency Zoom gathering of the SPB oracles, they decided on what they deemed, “The greatest artist choice since we almost got Lil Dicky. Isn’t that exciting?”

illustration by RABBY GODRIG

When asked who this artist would be, they said that they had a contract that specified that Trinity students wouldn’t know the artist until 30 minutes before the concert.

“Isn’t that exciting?” said Mia Zapadoka, newly elected assistant chancellor of SPB. “It’s like a nice surprise, a suspenseful concert!

Though we will have to use last semester’s money, this semester’s money and the next semester’s money to pay for the artist. We also may have to have students pay a $6.77 cover. That’s still in the works. But exciting, right?”

When asked if maybe telling students who the artist was before

the concert may help with more numbers, SPB announced that there would be other attractions besides the artist.

“In addition to the greatest artist we have ever gotten yet, we will be having Aramark cater the event with their newest food truck, ‘Meat and Stuff,’ said Dorian Smithinson, outreach cleric for SPB. “Their menu is all surprises. You just say, “I want food” and they go into their freezer and get some random meat and cook it for you.

Isn’t that exciting?” Smithinson said.

When asked if this may not be the best idea in terms of health and dietary risks, an SPB representative

said they hadn’t thought about that yet.

Under pressure from the entire student body, SPB earlier this week acquiesced and created a game with one winner. The prize? SPB will tell that one person who the artist will be, right after they have the student sign a non-discolure agreement.

“I know a lot of people will want to know who the artist is.

So, we have designed a Triwizardlike tournament. But the winner can’t tell anyone. It’ll be a secret to everyone besides that person and SPB. Isn’t that fun?” said Zapadoka.

When asked if this game was inspired by Harry Potter and if it would just be more feasible to tell everyone, SPB shook their heads in unison. As for whether the winner would still have to pay the potential $6.77 entry fee, SPB declined to comment.

“It’s gonna be big. Very exciting,” said Gompson. “I can’t wait to not tell anyone till half an hour before the concert. We might even hold off ‘til fifteen minutes beforehand. Exciting, right?”

Inspection of Revolve leads to tiger meat discovery continued from FRONT “By the way the dude started laughing at me like I had missed this episode of ‘Tiger King,’ I knew something was wrong, so I took it to the administration,” Budowski said.

After a Food Establishment Inspection by the city, San Antonio police were called to shut Tiger Tenders down. Former Tiger Tenders employee Kat Butcher said she was surprised this day didn’t come sooner.

“I mean, it’s right in the name,” Butcher said. “Tiger Tenders. I thought Trinity students were smart, but I guess they can’t read. I always thought it was weird that we sold tiger meat, but a job is a job. I’m just glad I found a new one before all this.”

Budowski said it’s offensive that tiger meat would ever be sold, let alone on a campus with a tiger as the mascot. LeeRoy declined to comment.

Delia Thinker, professor in the department of philosophy and a frequent Tiger Tenders customer, said this case is an example of producer negligence and consumer ignorance. To her, this is just another food marketed poorly, right up there with McDonald’s McRib and whatever is in Arby’s sandwiches (though she’s convinced no one actually eats there anyway).

“It’s unnerving that even such a small operation can get away with something like selling the meat of an endangered species,” Budowski said. “It really makes you think of

what else you’ve unintentionally taken part of throughout your life.”

There is still no word whether Tiger Tenders will return to Revolve with an improved, legal menu or if their slot will be contracted to a new business.

Charles Robles, food service director for Aramark, said Mabee Dining Hall’s standards will be increased to make sure students, staff and faculty feel safe to eat on campus.

“To ease everyone’s minds, we’re conducting inspections of Mabee Dining Hall as well just to make sure everything is up to par,” Robles said. “Students do not need to worry, though. If anyone has any complaint about their food, they are welcome to bring it to us.”

However, some students still don’t think this is enough. A coalition of student organizations including Trinity’s chapter of the Young Democratic Socialists of America and Eco-Allies have demanded a public apology from Tiger Tenders to the Trinity community and LeeRoy himself.

But the main lasting impact seems to be the newfound distrust in Trinity’s food services.

“Now I’m paranoid to eat anything on campus,” Budowski said. “You can’t trust anything.

Like the pasta I ate last night.

How am I supposed to know the noodles were actually noodles and not worms? Was it marinara sauce or blood? Tiger’s blood? I guess we’ll never know, and that’s a no from me.”

8

APRIL 20, 2020

*

TRINIBONIAN.COM

*

NEWS

TU adds ramps to campus for golf carts, accidentally becomes more accessible Students annoyed, but are like, “This is better than nothing, I guess” CATHLEEN CRETIN | REPORTER While students have been living off-campus, the Facilities Services team has been working on different projects across campus, including making more ramps for golf carts.

In the past two weeks, Facilities Services has added eight new golf cart-accessible paths and have reconstructed 11 older paths.

“It’s been really hard to navigate this campus in our carts,” said Tim Cook, head of Facilities. “You’d

think it’d be easy, but it’s not. I mean, there are so many paths that are flat, and then turn into stairs out of nowhere. And a couple of the paths are so steep, sometimes we can’t get our carts up them with our weak motors.”

The changes, which Cook said were quite easy fixes, will benefit more than Facilities Services.

“You know, people are always saying that this campus is inaccessible, which I don’t get.

But now it’s a little bit easier to get around on these golf carts,” Cook said.

For Marjorie Smith, the change should have happened years ago.

Smith uses a wheelchair and has been trying to get the university’s

attention about the inaccessibility from students who have been of campus since she was a high vocal about this. Also weird that school senior on a tour of campus. they keep talking about how easy “In hindsight, I’m not sure why it is to get around in their golf carts I came here. Even my first time on now, but I’m just glad I won’t have campus, they were weird about to go all the way around campus how inaccessible it is,” Smith said. to get to CSI. It used to be like a “I really was like, ‘How do you 25-minute commute when I lived accommodate for students with in South Hall.” disabilities?’ And the tour guide was kind of just like, ‘We have elevators.’”

Despite this, Smith is excited about the change and what it means for future students with disabilities.

“Yeah, it’s weird that it didn’t come illustration by RABBY GODRIG

University awards exclusive dining contract to Chick-fil-A Aramark contract to end in July, CFA will be exclusive dining option WOMANIC DANTHONY | REPORTER After two semesters of record sales, Trinity University has made Chick-fil-A the exclusive catering and dining service on campus.

Aramark’s contract ends in July, at which point Chick-fil-A will take over dining operations.

The decision comes despite protests by LGBTQ+ student groups.

Ima Talkin, Trinity’s chief communicator for strategic communications and marketing, said the record sales justify the exclusive contract.

“As you know, our administration embraces a certain amoral, neoliberal philosophy,” she said. “Money talks, and the majority rules. A small but vocal minority doesn’t deserve to feel safe if it means we can’t eat really tasty chicken

illustration by ANDY HUBNET

sandwiches. And looking at these sales, I mean, a lot of people want to eat there.”

Chase Baggins is a member of Spectrum, one of Trinity’s LGBTQ+ student groups.

“Sure, the chicken is really good. But they literally funded gay conversation therapy,” Baggins said. “What’s our priority — eating homophobic chicken, or making sure all students feel safe? There are plenty of

other companies we could contract with.”

The Popeyes mascot made an appearance at a tense SGA meeting about the announcement. It briefly brawled with the Chick-fil-A cow before both were removed

by TUPD. After the commotion, student body president Susan Shoehorn explained SGA has very little power over decisions like this.

“SGA is basically just a club,” she said. “It looks good on our resumes. We don’t actually have any power over the administration. We have a constitution, but it’s really long, so we haven’t really read all of it.”

According to Talkin, the contract is up for renewal after one year. She said sales will be the primary performance metric.

“If they continue to sell a lot of chicken, they stay,” she said.

“Students vote with their feet.

If they buy the product, we are going to keep it on campus. That’s why we let successful student drug dealers stay, while we suspend or expel those who sell mids. This is a kush-only campus, and Chickfil-A is the dankest kush of the fried chicken industry.”

In a written statement to The Trinibonian, university president Annie Danderson said “I offer prayers and platitudes to the LGBTQ+ student community. I offer tasty chicken to everyone else.”

NEWS

*

TRINIBONIAN.COM

*

9

APRIL 20, 2020

Trinity takes advantage of empty campus to host largest event for prospective students

After closure, admin. uses space to market TU to future Tigers CATHLEEN CRETIN | REPORTER

Last year, the Office of Admissions brought a recordbreaking 714 people to their annual Trinity in Focus (TIF), an event that shows off Trinity’s campus to prospective students and their families. However, more than triple the number of last year’s attendees will come to this year’s TIF. “We just, you know, looked at the numbers from last year and thought, ‘We can do better.’ Like, sure, there’s a pandemic, but this is a time more than ever to value the importance of community, so that’s what we’re doing,” said Erin Daspoof, vice president of Admissions.

Daspoof and her team extended invitations to 1,912,564 high school juniors and seniors, nearly a quarter of the high school upperclassmen in the United States.

Of that number, 2,342 will attend this year’s TIF on Friday, April 24.

“Normally, TIF is held in the fall, but since there are no students on campus and since all university employees are asked to work from home if possible, we just thought now would be a good time,” Daspoof said. “We can use the dorms for guests that need to stay overnight, we can have all of Mabee Dining Hall to ourselves, and most importantly, students will be able to fully feel what it’s like to walk around campus.”

Mariska Lowe, head of Risk Management, had concerns about the event at first, especially because of the government’s social distancing requests and stay-athome orders.

“I mean, my first thought was, “That sounds like a lot more than 10 people,’ “ Lowe said. “But the more I spoke to Erin [Daspoof] and kind of talked through the whole thing….

You know, will we provide masks?

How will we keep people six feet apart? All that. We care about the community, and we want to keep people safe.”

Lowe said she felt more comfortable after Daspoof showed her mock-ups for complimentary face masks that make their wearers look like tigers.

“Isn’t that cute? It’s got little whiskers and a snout, and

Administration ensures alcohol for

Last Great Reception doesn’t get wasted CATHLEEN CRETIN | REPORTER Among the many events and activities the university had to cancel this spring, there’s one particular tradition that will be missed by many seniors: the Last Great Reception.

The Last Great Reception is one final hoorah for seniors, just before they climb the tower and accept their diplomas. However, the cancellation had one silver lining.

“Yeah so, we had bought all the drinks already. We budgeted for this event a whole year ago, you know, so we were prepared for it.

And then classes were canceled and all this coronavirus stuff is happening, and now, we have a whole storage room filled with beers and wine and all that,” said Davy Tuts, dead on students. “So,

illustration by NATE COOLY

uh, yeah, we didn’t want it to go to waste.”

Many administrators felt similarly about the alcohol and agreed they wanted to be as conservative as possible at a time like this. Their idea of conservation?

“Well, we threw this, I don’t know, rager I guess is what you’d call it,” Tuts said. “But it was really more lowkey. A kickback

of sorts, and you know, it’s been a really stressful time for a lot of us administrators, and someone stumbled upon the storage room one day, and it was all just sitting there, so.”

But not all people on campus found the rager as fun.

“We thought we would be done with having to walk people back to their dorms after a long night of drinking,” said TUPD chief Paul Ease. “But we were wrong. The only difference is we’re walking them back to their houses on Oakmont instead.”

According to Tuts, 21 empty bottles of wine, 43 empty beer bottles and 12 cans of sparkling rose were left at the scene.

“Who even drinks sparkling rose? I can’t believe we even bought those initially,” Tuts said.

when you wear it, you look like LeeRoy. Marketing really has done a good job with this one,” Lowe said.

Along with the masks, Admissions will also be providing hoop skirt-like contraptions for attendees. They are 14-feet in diameter and attach at the hips.

Lowe said she felt more comfortable after Daspoof showed her mock-ups for complimentary admissionsbranded cleaning supplies and face masks that make their wearers look like tigers.

“Admissions thought it’d be really cool to have this thing that doesn’t allow people to get close to other people, so they asked me to design them,” said Ana Summer, costume designer for the Theatre Department. “I thought it was cool that they wanted the hoops to have a 7-foot radius. Trinity’s always going that extra step for its community. It’s so great.”

more news... for you... on our website... trinibonian.com

10

APRIL 20, 2020

*

TRINIBONIAN.COM

*

NEWS

ResLife announces mandatory 10-year on-campus living requirement to start with Class of 2024 in fall

Students must now live at TU for a decade WOMANIC DANTHONY | REPORTER

Trinity students will soon be required to live on campus for a full decade. The policy goes into effect for the incoming class of 2024 and does not apply retroactively.

Vice president for Student Life Teryl Shynes said the new requirement is intended to bring the community closer together.

“We love our students, and our students love each other,” she said.

“It’s better this way. Trust us.”

Several students who already enrolled in the class of 2024 were startled by the new policy. Sherry Smith plans to study corporation sciences with a monopoly minor.

“I was planning on moving

photo by CAMERA DIAZ

out, like, when I graduate,” she said. “I already thought the threeyear living requirement was a bit much. Maybe I’ll just get evicted on purpose.”

But will this approach work?

“Sure it will. Just get caught smoking a blunt in your room

a couple times,” said Davy Tuts, dean of students and associate vice president for Student Life. “You probably won’t get suspended or expelled if you aren’t selling, but we’d be happy to evict you and give you a year or two of probation. And TUPD gives me all the confiscated

contraband, so thanks for that.”

TUPD did not respond to repeated inquiries about confiscated contraband.

To demonstrate solidarity with students, university president Annie Danderson announced she will spend a night in the Beze dormitories.

“The 10-year living requirement will help strengthen our community,” Danderson said. “I’m sure students will enjoy getting to know their neighbors for a full decade and walking past the same people every day.”

At press time, Danderson would not answer the door to his temporary Beze dorm, but could be heard softly sobbing in the room.

Two sources told The Trinibonian that Danderson saw his ex sitting with someone new in Mabee.

Local wildlife takes over campus as dorms empty O. POSSUM | REPORTER Last week, cats, opossums, foxes and other animals began to reclaim the Skyline campus by taking residence in dorms and frequenting upper-campus buildings. Taking advantage of the recently-abandoned campus after the COVID-19 outbreak, these animals have seemingly found new homes in campus spaces that used to be packed with students.

“I think this is a sign that with the students gone, nature is finally healing,” said Forrest Hart, President of EcoFascist Allies. “Our organization has been saying for a long time that Trinity should admit fewer students so that the animals have a space to live, and finally this pandemic has allowed that to happen.”

On Thursday, animals were seen moving back and forth between dorm rooms and laundry rooms, attempting to purchase books from the bookstore, and even meeting on

photo by CAMERA DIAZ

upper campus for what seemed to be classes.

“I thought in-person classes were canceled for the rest of the semester, but then I got a concerned email from a group of cats who wanted to know where to meet for their Animal Science course,” said Bill Ology, professor of biology. “It turns out that they’re very astute students, much better than past human classes. They find experiments on mice to be especially interesting.”

The residence halls have seemingly been sorted out according to species. Squirrels took over the first-year dorms last week, while possums opted to live in Prassel.

Skunks have claimed most of Thomas, yet according to reports it somehow smells better than before.

Finally, foxes laid claim to City Vista and have been making great use of the facilities.

“We haven’t had a single noise complaint ever since the new residents moved in,” said Lane D. Lord, City Vista Coordinator.

“They don’t even bring any glass near the pool, so I really can’t complain.”

Mysteriously, Mabee Dining Hall has remained abandoned, despite staying open for the campus.

“It seems as though all the new residents prefer the dumpster

behind Mabee instead of the actual thing,” said Aria Mark, director of Dining Services. “At least it’s given us an excuse to fire pretty much all the campus food workers. This is off-the-record, right?”

Despite initial concerns, the university now plans on allowing the new members of the campus community to remain living for the rest of the semester, and possibly even future semesters.

“In these times of great change, I think it’s important to keep our minds open,” said President Annie Danderson. “These new students have maintained a higher average GPA than the past four classes, and they don’t even complain about diversity or anything.”

For more information on the status of the campus animal takeover, contact the Trinity Cat Alliance.

Multiple animals were contacted for this story, but their inability to speak English made it impossible for their quotes to be included.

NEWS

*

TRINIBONIAN.COM

*

11

APRIL 20, 2020

Coach’s Corner: Ryan Lochte

Meet the Olympic Swimmer who will lead the men’s sailing team REGINA PHALANGE | REPORTER

While universities around the nation cut athletic programs, Trinity just added its newest sport: sailing. The Tigers will field both men’s and women’s sailing teams starting in the Spring 2021. Ryan Lochte, the six-time Olympic gold medalist in swim, was named the head coach of the men’s sailing team just last week, and he discussed why he’s coaching sailing and what he hopes to bring to Trinity in the latest edition of Coach’s Corner.

What got you into sailing?

I’ve been a swimmer my whole life, but I thought it was time to jump out of the pool and into uncharted waters. Life is all about trying new things, and I’m excited to learn as I go along with the 12 committed athletes we already have for our new program.

What brought you to Trinity?

That’s a good question. There are several elite sailing programs in California and Florida especially, but none of those universities have a Taco Taco. My interview to become head coach involved eating a white cheese quesadilla with sour cream and pico along with a chicken fajita taco in the student center, and I immediately

could picture the next chapter of my life eating that meal over and over.

Seeing as San Antonio is not by the ocean, where exactly will the team train?

Another great question. We’ve already made arrangements to travel every Monday, Wednesday and Friday to Corpus Christi to train for three hours a day out there in the ocean. Tuesdays and Thursdays will involve training in the gym because sailing is still a demanding sport that requires fit athletes.

Will about four hours of driving on top of three hours of training three times a week be too much for student-athletes that deal with a difficult school workload?

From what I’ve learned about Trinity, they encourage a liberal arts education that pushes students out of their comfort zone, and I think this is the best example of that: taking up a sport they’ve never played and sacrificing massive amounts of time all to try something new and expand their learning. The trips to Corpus Christi will be a great lesson in time management for sure.

If you could go back and face any swimmer one on one, who would you choose to go against and why?

I imagine you expect me to say Michael Phelps, but I will actually say Mark Spitz since I never got to swim against him.

illustration by CAMERA DIAZ

If you were stranded on an island, who would you choose to be with and why?

My wife, Kayla. She’s my entire life and I couldn’t imagine being without her.

What three people, past or present, would you invite to your dream dinner party?

Again, my wife, and then my mom and dad would have to join.

As a celebrity, I’m not a big fan of other celebrities anymore.

What would you eat at this dinner?

I would have to introduce my wife and parents to Taco Taco, without a doubt.

What show, movie or musical artist do you publicly dislike but secretly love?

I absolutely love country music, but only listen to it alone or with my wife. When Dolly Parton’s “Jolene” comes on, I go nuts. She’s a national treasure.

If you could tell the world one thing about yourself, what would you say and why?

I am thrilled to be the new men’s sailing coach at Trinity. I encourage current Tigers to try out even if they’ve never sailed before.

I have never sailed before and I am coaching, which I am partially doing to prove you should always be willing to try something new.

we hope you enjoyed our 2020 iteration of the ‘Bonian, Trinitonian’s annual satire issue. check out trinibonian.com for more stories, and subscribe to our newsletter for real news.

^^ newsletter link ^^