Melancholia by Tucker Thomas

Melancholia Tucker Thomas

Melancholia

ÂŠ 2019 All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced without permission. The opinions expressed in this book are those of the author only and not those of York College of Pennsylvania. This book is an experimental class project for purely educational design purposes. Design and photography by Tucker Thomas Additional photography and artwork by Hannah Tedesco Printed by www.lulu.com

Melancholia Tucker Thomas

This book is dedicated to those who have helped me survive through the years. To Stephen and Chris, who have been there through thick and thin. To Jess, whoâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s always offered a smile no matter what. To Dana, who taught me that loss does not define me. To Micaella, who kept me sane while writing this book. To Teddy, who saved me.

Table of Contents Expedition of Self-Turmoil The Shadow

A Poem

The Weight

Who Am I

Some Thoughts

16 Sudden Catalyst

The Crash

Out My Window

Chase Hartlaub

A Response

Under Pressure

One and Only

Day and Night

40 Bad Medicine

Get Over It

They Donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t Get It

Dana

Sum Of His Parts

Anchor

Music and Emotion

Jack White

58 Eb And Flow

Velvet

Uneven Flow

This is Something

Expedition of Self-Turmoil

The Shadow

Where do I start in a book like this? Do I talk about how sad I feel today? No. Do I give a motivating speech about how “it gets better every day”? No, it doesn’t. Do I share a silly little story with a lesson at the end? No. There aren’t any lessons to learn here. Maybe I should share how I’ve written my suicide note five different times. Maybe I should share how I’ve sat alone with a knife battling with my own brain on whether or nor it was worth it. Maybe I should share how I’ve found one of my closest friends face down in her bedroom after downing a bottle of pills, or maybe the time I found her trying to hang herself. I can share about the constant stares I get every day. Don’t lie to me, I know they’re there. Is that too much? That’s a shame because depression isn’t something you can have a chat about then wrap in a pretty little bow. It’s pain. It’s barbed wire. It’s cold steel with hot flame. It’s a disease that eats away at your brain. It changes perception. It changes reality. When I was little I just used to think everyone felt like me. That we all just pretended to be happy about things, and then we went home and cried every day. The older I got, the more that idea was chipped and worn away. Real people were happy, real people enjoyed life. So was I not real? Was there something wrong with me? Was I fucked up? I wasn’t, but I sure felt like it. Depression is different for every single person. To me it was, and still is, an unbreakable feeling of loneliness. Even if I’m completely 2

surrounded by people that feeling is still there. They vanish, and it’s just me and a dark shadow. Few and far between, some things manage to break through. Good music, a smile from the right person, these can momentarily keep the shadow at bay, but it will always come back. It isn’t always the loneliness however, as depression is hardly ever brought on by a solitary thing. When it isn’t loneliness, it may be an unshakable feeling of inadequacy, a looming feeling of dread for the future. There are the moments of pure fear in social situations, with absolutely no reasoning behind them except the unnatural expectation that everyone has suddenly decided to hate you. This book, Melancholia, is my attempt at dealing with some of these problems. While this is no way shape or form a self-help book, or even something to take advice from, it is my attempt at helping others understand my situations, and on a deeper level help myself understand them more. Throughout this book I’ve included various poems depicting the different states of mind I’ve found myself in, as well as important people and events that have made me the person I am. Along with these poems are explanations, stories, and investigations on just why exactly I have the problems that I do, and how they may be dealt with. Be prepared, this story does not have a happy ending, because life rarely does.

A Poem

You can sit and write a poem anytime And you can feel that golf ball sized lump build in your throat anytime That nagging voice can show up whenever it pleases “You’re really going to go out wearing something that makes you look like a backwoods reject of a Stephen King novel?” And you stay indoors for three weeks Or maybe today its your voice, or your hair, or that constant grating, shrieking, desperate beast clawing its way from inside your scarred throat that wants to scream to the world in a whisper only you hear…”She doesn’t love you” You can write a poem anytime, And you can write a note anytime And that note says so much in so little And that putrid little scrap of paper torn from the back of a math notebook becomes a rope Not the rope that holds your neck as you take your final step but a rope that keeps you tethered to the land of the breathing When everything else is gone You have that note I wrote my note 5 times 4

And I hated it 5 times Of course, when you hate yourself how could you not second guess the last thing you will ever say I was done, I was ready And then I noticed I had misspelled “Forget Me” and the shame and disgust kept me alive Every week, something was wrong, and I couldn’t leave until that note was perfect And I’m still here Maybe someday, when the right words come… I’m still here 5

The Weight

Anxiety often travels with depression, arm in arm, but it is a different beast entirely. Anxiety breeds stress, or is it the other way around? Either way, it’s something that will chip away at you slowly. It exists everywhere, at all times. Whether I’m surrounded by strangers, or completely alone, there is paranoia. The gnawing idea in the back of the head that someone is watching, judging. I believe I can trace this back to my younger days in school. I had a pretty major issue with ADHD, and so my mind was always racing, even more than that of a normal child. I never wished to be the center of attention, but always seemed to find myself there. Due to my racing mind, I would find myself being the focus of my peers and teachers, but it was never a positive. My mind would scream to me that not a single one of their opinions were nice. In just a second I would speed through ten or twenty awful things they must have thought about me. The ADHD has slowed itself, but my mind and those thoughts never did. During high school things would only get worse. I was a ‘Band Nerd’, a ‘Film Geek’, the works. I had my first true breakdown in tenth grade, when the idea of presenting to a group shook me to the core. Sweaty palms, twitching arms, a complete inability to speak; I fell apart. I still have these problems to this day. It doesn’t matter if it’s a performance in front of a hundred people, or a critique in front of six, I can still barely handle it. The greatest creator of my tense mind is love, or at least what I thought was love at the time. For three and a half years I was trapped. Constant judgment, constant 6

“That’s not good enough.”, constant surveillance. If I did it, she knew about it, and chances are she didn’t like it. I was always alert, always watching, terrified of what I would mess up next. Escape was impossible, the manipulation was perfect, artistic almost. Everything I did was done for her. Relationships were ended. Opinions were forgotten. Possessions were destroyed. Every move was done to keep her happy, but it just wasn’t ever good enough. It got to the point where I refused to exist. I would sit silently for hours, confident it was the only way I wouldn’t make things any worse. When I finally managed to sneak away, I was only partially free. Physically, she couldn’t reach me. Mentally, it was much too late. My mind, my mannerisms, my fears, they will never be the same. There will always be a new weight on my back. And while I’ve gotten used to carrying it around, it will never cease to be heavier than I can take. Of course I have things in my life that help carry the weight of this past and the mental burden that goes with it, but this is my struggle. Unhealthy as it is, that’s the person I am and there’s no changing that. So for now, all I can do is keep carrying it.

Who Am I

Who am I to judge the sun Whilst it rises from its slumber Creeping slowly over stubborn mountains Intent on stopping its light from freedom But who are they to stop the sun From breaching to its great heights Releasing rays of pink and purple Unmatched by any artists brush As it grows stronger than any light Stronger than man or god But who are they to see the sun Lay eyes on a beast such as it With blinding fire burning eyes Of those caught in its wake Surreal, intense, such a simple thing as it But still, Who am I to judge the sun

Photo of sun and full bleed color to match

Some Thoughts

You ever go walking down the street And see a guy you just know Needs a good kick in the teeth Even though you never met him His mere existence has become a momentary blemish on your day And even though there are 7.4 billion people exactly like you You have the nerve to think you matter You ever wait at a crosswalk And just as that bus drives by A tiny little voice says jump Because deep down, secretly You wonder what the headline will be Who would show up to your funeral How many retweets you’d get… You ever realize that nothing matters But that’s just fine Because nothing matters

You ever think that no matter how hard you try Maybe, just maybe Life is just one big Ponzi Scheme You invest all this time, all this effort With the expectation that things will work out when you turn 40 And life is just laughing, sitting in a high-rise in New York Flipping through your wasted years like crisp new hundred-dollar bills Either nobody thinks about these things And Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m crazy Or everybody does And weâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re all crazy

Sudden Catalyst

2 13

The Crash

June 15th, 2018 is a day that will never be able to be washed from my head. It was late, eleven or twelve at night. I was walking to my living room and just happened to glance through our front window. I saw a flash, headlights barely visible as they crossed my vision. They say you don’t remember the noise of an accident as much as you do the aftermath. That’s a god damn lie. A screech, a thud, 10 more thuds as the silver BMW slammed through a wooden fence. A bullet in the street. A final screech as it came to a stop. Screams, neighbors screams. I had already dialed 911 as I got to my door, and I ran. “911 what’s your emergency?” “Hello, sir?” I was speechless, the car was crushed, an 8-foot pole sticking through the front window. “Sir do you need Fire, Medical, or Police.” “All of them…” I don’t remember the rest of the call, by the time I hung up everyone from the neighborhood was out and I had made my way toward the car. I told my mom I didn’t see anything. I didn’t want her to be worried. But I saw everything. I saw an empty driver’s seat, covered in shards of glass, but completely empty. The coward had run away. He left Chase. Motionless… I never knew Chase, I didn’t even know he existed, but now I will never forget him. He was sitting there, blood down the front of his chest. His eyes were glazed over, the world was gone for him. The pole had gone into him. Into…him. 14

I ran for help, what the fuck did I know about car accidents, but by the time I was back emergency services were already there. For three and a half hours I sat on my curb. I watched and listened. I didn’t want to but what else was there to do. I heard so many things. My heart broke every five minutes. The girl, crying. I probably will never know who she was, but I’ll never forget her cries. “Don’t fuck with me, I know that’s him, it has to be!” They tried to calm her, and most likely themselves at the same time. It didn’t work. It didn’t work for any of us. I heard the country boy, no more than two years older than me probably. “Don’t worry, EMS wouldn’t still be here if he wasn’t going to make it.” Thanks man but you didn’t know anything. After 40 minutes the sirens stopped. I couldn’t tell what was worse, the noise of shrill wailing from those red and blue lights, or the unbearable echo of silence. At hour 2 we heard helicopters, slicing through the sky, searchlights breaking the night. They passed over us five or six times. We assumed they were looking for the driver. Little did we know it was for Chase. When the report came out they said he was airlifted to the hospital. Airlifted… That means it’s really bad. Chase was gone by hour three, and the driver had turned himself in. I continued to sit there on the curb, watching passing cars slowly drift by, crushing shards of taillights. I don’t know why, but that’s the sound that does it for me, taillights crumpling under tires. I’ll never get that out of my head. I didn’t sleep that night, as can be expected. I also didn’t sleep more than four hours over the next two weeks. I’m even more terrified of driving than before, and worst of all I’ll be reminded every single day what happened. Caddy corner from my house, not three-hundred feet from my bedroom window, is his memorial. Flags, hats, candles, it’s really quite nice, but it’s also a nightmare. That intersection has become a catalyst. Every day and every night people blow through the stop signs. Horns blare, tires screech, and it chips away at me. It’s gotten better over time. but some days I ask myself if anything ever really gets “better”. Nobody ever asked me about what happened. I’m a nobody in this story.

Michael Mendez was charged with homicide by vehicle, accidents involving death or personal injury, fleeing the scene, four counts of reckless endangerment, a summary of traffic violations including reckless driving, careless driving causing an unintentional death, and driving at an unsafe speed. For almost four months there was no news or released information of any sort relating to the case, and families had begun to grow restless. Many were pointing fingers at Mendezâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s father who was a detective with another police district, however, nothing was ever proven relating to his involvement. Currently, with all the aforementioned charges, as well as an existing criminal record involving trespassing, Mendez remains free on $400,000 unsecured bail. I donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t know if Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m supposed to feel upset by this or not. I never knew Chase or Michael, and the thought of a man almost my age being arrested for accidental homicide is terrifying, but to think there may be no punishment for taking another mans life is something that still weighs on my mind.

Out My Window

Out my window I see fire Out my window I hear war The streets are scarred from burning tire Mark wreckage like they’re keeping score I close my eyes and it’s still there I close my eyes and it’s still red I close my mind and I still care I close my eyes and he’s still dead Two years, five wrecks, no change Because life is just a number Nothings going to change Out my window, while I slumber 20

Chase Hartlaub 2000-2018

Chase was born in York and just graduated from York County School of Technology on June 5. He was currently employed as a collision repair technician at Apple Collision in York. He was an active volunteer firefighter with N. Codorus Township Vol. Fire Co. and the Dover Township Vol. Fire Co. He was also a social member at Seven Valleys Fire Co. He enjoyed riding dirt bikes, hunting, fishing and working on his C10 pickup truck. He loved hanging out with friends and his brothers in the firehouse. He will be fondly remembered as someone that enjoyed cracking jokes in an attempt to make everyone smile.

A Response to February 14th, 2018

A wise man once said “There ain’t no sin and there ain’t no virtue” Until a rich man decided he didn’t like that And had the 1939 California school board ban it I’ve lived a story I don’t regret, but I’m still not proud Because the setting of the story is more like a horror movie than a great American novel With the cheesy one lines and obvious plot Except the monsters here are kids with guns, They’re men in charge of islands telling everyone that popping rounds in civilians is as normal as popping pills. They’re Cheeto skinned fools sending people their “thoughts and prayers” instead of doing actual work Thoughts and Prayers… Well I have some of my own I think that these lives we live are half-finished books that someone gave up on Because when my head is dark and I look towards that next page to see where the story goes Its blank 25

I think that the reason we send “thoughts and prayers and condolences” is because we’re so afraid that someone might ask us “what can YOU do?” And we legitimately don’t know Someone else will do something...right? I pray to a god I don’t believe in that this changes. But it won’t Because instead of putting pen to paper we put faces to Twitter posts Instead of standing up to governments we sit down to complain on Facebook Instead of fact checking our leaders we spell check our status updates of “praying 4 u” Instead of giving lessons to our kids we’re giving dislikes to strangers I swear this isn’t some hit piece on social media Because it’s a beautiful thing Where love and compassion can travel the globe in an instant But this is a hit piece on the fighting On moral high-ground On “How the fuck are you dumb enough to think that?” On complaining of things never changing even though 26

you aren’t even trying to help So while you’re sending thoughts and prayers Im sending phone calls to my local congressman While you’re sending thoughts and prayers I’m sending questions to people blaming others Not hate Questions You can send your thoughts and prayers out In return for retweets and likes And I’ll send my questions and conversations out In return for an explanation and less dead kids So if you disagree with anything I have to say Please Please PLEASE Start a conversation Leave your thoughts and prayers behind for questions and civil arguments And if you can’t put forth the effort to simply try and understand WHY anyone thinks anything Well... My thoughts and prayers go out to you… 27

Under Pressure

I love you Always and forever Forever and ever Forever lasted too long Snakes like to wait after all Before they go in for the kill You blended in perfectly With a crowd that cared And let your venom do its work You needed control You needed power You needed me to have nothing I wasnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t strong Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m still not strong But I escaped From your re-gifted trinkets Your late night lies And that burning, searing venom 28

One and Only

One and Only Light and Dark Sun and Shadow Life and Death One pushing forward Only pulling back One starts the flame Only blows it out One free wind in the woods Only dark soul in my mind One a crutch Only a broken bone Build me up Burn your black wings Drop me from the clouds Drown in your venom Live for anything Go ahead and die Believe in me Donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t even try 30

One can’t stay Only can’t leave One shouldn’t go Only shouldn’t be One is my right sleeve Only my left Holding my heart Hiding bruises like art One is a lily Only a rose Fair in the valley Dead in the dark Breath your life Kill your darlings Cut your veins Drain from mine One and Only Love and Hate Blood and Oil Let me go 31

Day and Night

Dreaded daylight Tearing through my blinds Cut my cheek Trails of blood left on my pillow Can I get up today? No, yes, no, no Buried in fabric Suffocating, dying Sun rises I fall Deeper and deeper, spiraling down Forever I plummet A bright day Makes shadows darker As I push myself into the corner A ghost, hiding from myself Midday The world is stone Crushing Immovable 32

Sun begins to set And the blinding rays fade Things are much easier When the whole world is a shadow Can I do this? Yes, no, yes, yes But wait Where is everyone? Blessed moonlight Heal my scars For only now The world is good

Bad Medicine

3 35

Get Over It

It is upsetting how uninformed the world is. People are uncaring, uninterested, and robbed of compassion. From those who don’t know you, to those who should be the closest to you, those three words sting just the same. “Get over it.” If only it was that easy. If only they were right in saying “Depression is mostly a choice.” If only my biggest problem was just that “He’s too lazy to care.” Some people, no matter how hard we try to explain, or how many kids kill themselves, will never understand our disease. It will always be something so easily solvable. Less bullying right? That’s all it takes. Congratulations, you’ve solved two percent of the problem. You must be so proud. Or is it plan B you’re after? To pump us full of pills until we’re physically unable to feel the pain anymore. Whatever it is, they want us to just “Get over it.” This will never be something I can ‘get over’. This will never be something that will go away. Depression, anxiety, and other mental health issues are so far beyond a normal persons understanding in complexity. Every single person suffering is different, and the idea that there is some mass cure is ridiculous. For some therapy is key, for others medication is truly required, and yet for others, there is no clear cure in sight. They simply look for things that ease the pain. I’ve gotten all the ‘greatest hits’. “Depression is just a way for you to get attention.” Then why do we stay inside, alone, for days on end? Are we looking for attention from the people we’re not talking too? 36

“You just need to smile more.” Trust me, we smile. We smile wide every day, faking happiness so that those around us don’t have to be dragged down to the low we’re stuck in. “You have plenty to be happy about.” More often than not depression goes hand in hand with guilt. We know we have all these wonderful things in our life, but for some reason, the joy they should bring just isn’t there. No matter what a person has experienced in their life, if they haven’t personally dealt with depression, anxiety, or another mental health disorder, they will never truly understand the way things work.

They Don’t Get It

I don’t want your pity Our thoughts are a synchronicity The mind can be pretty finicky Keep your empathy in your back pocket Close the door on my mind but don’t lock it Cuz I’ll be banging on the walls screaming “Somebody please stop it!” You say you understand but I know you’re not even close You say you’ll do anything but then turn to a ghost “You just gotta smile more.” Yeah…that helps the most. I’ve got a tourniquet tied at my heart Because you turned it too tight and it’s dark Try as hard as you’d like you’re not restarting the spark You have your tips and your tricks to keep it all dumbed down Knock my writer’s block off but keep me crowned See how well they work six feet underground It’s as easy as one two three It’s as easy as therapy If it’s all that easy you can just do it for me Breakneck speeds and I put it on blast Then I meet with the truth and it’s full whiplash So let’s agree we don’t know shit and meet full hash 38

Dana When she dropped into Pennsylvania via New York via Milan Italy, I was there When she took her first walk through the neighborhood, eyes wide like a newborn child, I was there When she played the bandit and sneaked out of her house to climb trees in the woods, I was there When she stayed up until 5 AM starting illegal fires in the forest, donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t tell anyone, but I was there When she cried for 4 hours on the day her little brother was shot, I was there When she watched her little Damian disappear for the last time, sinking into the cold earth like a rock dropped in water, I was there When she was prescribed pills for major depression, a mask to cover her face, bruised after years and years, I was there When things got better and we yet again spent nights in the woods, I was there When HE gave her a black eye, I was there, to politely reward him with three missing teeth, best we just forget that day When she tied her knot, ready to take that final step, I was there, to slowly lower her back to earth, in more ways than one When I turned the water red, ripping at my wrists for an answer, she was there, to mend the cuts with words and bandages When we joined our souls, months of quick glances and silent nods, I was there When she gave me her favorite shirt as an apology for dropping a cinder block on my head, I think I was there, I have some trouble remembering that one, Dare to be a Bear 39

We had one summer Climbing trees in the sun, writing music in the rain One summer Linkin Park in the day, Chili Peppers in the night Week-long arguments about if Elvis sucks or not He does, by the way One summer One break in, to the high school auditorium Climbing in the rafters, singing on the stage When her father let her know that “Business had changed” I was there When she packed her bags to leave, almost as soon as she arrived it seemed I was there When she took that plane back to Milan I…wasn’t…there When her older brother met with burning rubber and tearing metal I…..wasn’t……there When she told me to forget everything, to forget us, because the pain of remembering was worse than the pain of forgetting I……….wasn’t………there When we drifted I wasn’t there I wasn’t there I’m not there 40

Sum Of His Parts A man is equal to the sum of his parts. When they are more than he can be alone An imperfect puzzle Each a piece who makes his life She is Joy The Light Cascading on walls of solemn night Revitalize my soul Our issues sit together Weight shared and weight ignored A constant A friend He is Brotherhood The Shield The anchor and the tide Quiet cat in the alley Stuck together, by force or by choice Not everything terrible is worth ignoring Sometimes lifeâ&#x20AC;Ś Is just too sweet She is Truth The Wind Cold and bitter Warm and welcoming 41

You lose your destination If you never look back Keep me grounded Hate does not negate love He is Acceptance The Fire An outstretched hand No matter what, youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll have a home Character in spades And compassion in a matching suit Live for life Live to live She is Strength The Earth They tear me down, brick by brick She crafts anew what once was there Weakness will never lessen power Fear is temporary, useless Shine bright, fly high, swim deep Family, where none choose to be A man is equal to the sum of his parts When they are more than he can be alone A perfect, imperfect puzzle Each a piece that is his life 42

Anchor There’s something a little different, about those kinds of days When the thing that keeps you anchored down, just up and floats away It rises above the crowded streets, too high to hear them say Just how much they wouldn’t miss it, but still I want to stay They point and laugh, as it drifts on by This weightless anchor of mine And I let it go, “What can I do?” Except for bide my time “Look! Oh, look!”, as I stop to watch “Can’t you see it’s shining splendor?” But you stare right through this pretty thing And it fades into November When a little flame bites at the leaves 43

And starts to spark and flicker these, are the moments when you’re begging “Please, Let us watch the world from in the trees!” An exciting melancholia that’s washed right from my view Cuz everything I thought I knew’s been rearranged by you It’s complicated, shocking even, the things that I would do To simply figure out how not to waste this something new I’m a little confused At the music that’s been written But it’s a beautiful tune Set to my heartstrings ticking A 50 piece orchestra Played by two deft hands With interlocking fingers That flow together like sand You don’t understand the things that are going in my head I took my soul and tore it out and played it till I bled And now it’s poured on everything and dyed my whole world red I’ll find amusement in the mess, and choke on golden thread Perfection, bliss, they’ve come to me 44

They’ve led me to the guillotine The kindest words, sweet as can be Will take my head and steal my dream You think it’s fun, this game we play You don’t realize the pain But half my heart has begun to rot And it seeps into my veins

The other half pumps liquid gold That flows the other way It meets the blackened blood of mine And the veins begin to fray It’s starting to happen, please don’t let this go You can’t let it fade when you didn’t even know Our cuts are the cast, scripted pain for a show And the higher my anchor, the lower my low Gone is the music, the band has gone home The beating has died, and it died all alone The fires went out, the trees snapped like bone And my weightless anchor has forever left home You never saw it, over in a flash 45

The cut that tore the seam And that beautiful poison, the golden rot Spilled out and I ceased to be I forever stayed hopeful, a fools choice, I know For they wait, and they wait, and they die I hardened my skin, dug into the ground And forever in that spot I lie The game is up, the battery died I found the truth, and the truth had lied A shadow will always be there at your side My weightless anchor, without you I cry

Music of Emotion

One of my biggest defenses from depression and anxiety is music. While it may seem cliche to say “music is my escape”, it is firmly believed that the proper music can assist with one of the biggest causes of depression, the lack of ability to properly regulate emotion. Music therapy and music in relation to mental health disorders has been a topic of research in Scandinavian countries, such as the University of Jyväskylä, Finland. As can be expected, a rise in anxiety and neuroticism was found in individuals, specifically men, who use aggressive, angry music in their coping. This is linked to an issue known as rumination, where either through choice or outside influence, an individual copes with their mental illness by continuously thinking over bad topics or situations. While it is much more effective in females, it was found that listening to positive music can create a lasting increase in activity of the area of the brain responsible for emotional regulation. Ever since I was young, I had one specific artist I could always rely on. John Anthony Gillis, better known by his stage name Jack White, is the lead singer, bassist and guitarist for the 1990’s rock band The White Stripes. Ever since my first introduction, hearing the phenomenal track Icky Thump on a school bus radio, I’ve grown a strong attachment to his musicianship and songwriting. White uses a raw, no holds barred writing style, covered in a layer of clever and complicated symbolism. This is what spurred in me the desire to write poetry, and in turn allow me to find a powerful form of self-help and expression. From the convoluted twists of Blue Orchid, 47

to the thumping stadium anthem Seven Nation Army, Jack White’s music will always have a major impact on my life. Something else that has become an important part of my struggle, and my life in general, is LoFi. LoFi, also known as Lo-Fi or Lofy, stands for ‘Low Fidelity’ and is a style of calming, rhythm-based music that lacks the crisp editing of studio recording. It has a sense of background music and often addresses the topics of depression, loneliness, complicated love, subtle joy, and independence. LoFi artists such as City Girl and Beowulf have made their way into my life and are currently one of the best methods I have in coping with my emotions, specifically, my anxiety. When I listen to these smooth beats, I can go into an almost calming trance, allowing myself to calm mentally and physically. While every single individual has a different situation and reaction to stimuli, it is beyond my doubt that music can assist in dealing with mental health issues.

JACK WHITE

“I’m in the right place but the wrong time? That’s how I feel everyday.”

"I'm one of those people that you have to keep your eye on or I'll wander off into the woods and forget to come back.”

“It’s harder to put yourself in a place where you could easily be seen as a fake. But that’s more interesting to me.”

“You can’t be a pimp and a prostitute too.”

“You took a white orchid, turned it blue.”

“I think that sometimes love gets in the way of itself - you know, love interrupts itself. We want things so much that we sabotage them.”

Ebb and Flow

4 52

Velvet Sunshine highs Cash back skies Match our hands With golden ties Pink swirled sun Shadows on the run Kisses my skin Grey gloom undone Blue and purple flumes Soul juice tunes Bump to my heartbeat Swell and pop my lungs like balloons Frosty eyes bite Fire lit night Green into black Into silver into white Gemstone tears Ice cube fears Melt away And lost to years Hello wild Summer smile Velvet plains Lay with me and stay awhile 53

If If you want me You don’t need me If you missed me You wouldn’t have me If I built it You wouldn’t see it If I grew it It would die Is it light I can see in your eyes? Or is that just how dark my soul is Is it pain, in a thoughtful disguise No matter, I’ll never control this I can tear, I can claw, I can make myself bleed But this curse, I can never be free Hearts will swell, then they’ll drown Andromeda, pull me from the sea If you saw me You wouldn’t know me If you had me It wouldn’t be me If I found it You wouldn’t take it If I had it I would cry 55

Uneven Flow Tide rolls in Dark waves, silver rocks Washing at my feet Hands grabbing, pulling, dragging “Join us in the deep Cast your light aside” Tide rolls out Inhale the salt, breath out my decay See the friends who didn’t fight the voices Swimming to the sun, but around silver rocks They’ll be carried back in Eyes to the sky and never coming down Tide rolls in Black ocean, charging forward Striking through my chest, pulling at my wrists “Give your life, give your life” But she’s there, the light that won’t fade

And I charge forward Through bleeding swells and screaming crests Stinging pain and soulless surges They rip me apart But what remains moves on I am nothing But I made it My beach is gone But these rocks are my new home Tide rolls out But the waves are gone These rocks are much too high Warming in the sun Burning holes into my skin Until my heart begins to leak

This Is Something Cruising down a sunlit mile Under her bright horizon smile Top rolled down, free as a child This is something wonderful Locked inside a newfound world Arms of steel yet cotton curled My soul in fireworks, danced and twirled This is something thrilling Raised by shining crystalline gaze Safe for now, and safe for days Free at last to waste away This is something mesmerizing Nothing left and nothing done But moonlit skies see all the fun Of fairy tales our hearts have spun This is something perfect 59

The End?

Mental health is a subject that is ignored all too often these days. Whether it’s depression, anxiety, or anything else, it’s a difficult and often lonely journey. That being said, there are things out there that can help. Therapy, friends, even a nice cup of tea, all these things can help with the healing process. Most of us will never be “fixed”, I know I won’t be, but we can make progress. Everyone will have their ideas of what you need to do to heal, but in the end you’re the only one who can tell what works for you. Never let someone unqualified tell you what you need, and that includes me. I can only know what I need myself, and even then I’m not positive. I know one thing though, find the little things. Lean on your friends, find that special song, and figure out what can keep you afloat for one more day. Sometimes, that’s all we can really do.