3 April 2023

TU track and field continues to break records, p. 2

Trump indicted, p. 3

Springfest gallery, p. 5

Letter from Little Blue House, p. 4

Satire: A chronology of Kyle’s correspondances

TU track & field continues to collect awards

The University of Tulsa’s track & field team has been a long time high point for TU athletics. As winter indoor season comes to a close and the outdoor invitations begin, TU is once again proving their competence in track, even if nobody is watching.

Both the men and women’s team capped off a successful winter season at the Indoor American Conference Championships. Four runners obtained first place: Michael Power

This past weekend, six athletes traveled to Stanford, California to participate in the Stanford Invitational. Every single runner that attended the invitational set a new personal best. Baker, Roebke, Beattie, Chloe Hershenow, Shuaib Aljabaly and Malte Propp all came away from the invitational with faster times. Baker also left the invitational with a first place finish in the 3,000m steeplechase.

in the 3,000m, Christian Baker in the mile, Scott Beattie in the 5,000m and Layla Roebe in the 5,000m. Power and Beattie also set new meet records in their respective events.

This is far from the first time a TU track & field athlete has shattered meet records, such as during the Hawkeye Pro run at the Larry Wieczorek invite when Beattie and Power set meet and facility records during the 3,000m. These runners also have a history of breaking school records every season. In February, Power recorded the fifth-fastest 5,000m finish in TU’s indoor history and Christian Baker ran the third-fastest mile in TU history.

The weekend prior to the Stanford Invitational, the Shocker Spring Invitational in Wichita saw seven TU athletes finish in first place. Four of these first place winners came from the women’s side, while three came from the men’s totalling overall eight new personal bests during the meet. During this meet, sophomore Evan Sanni Thomas also recorded the eighth fastest 400m in TU history.

This season, however remarkable the achievements may be, is not out of the ordinary for these athletes. Year round, the runners set out to win meets and set new personal bests. While the TU athletic de-

partment prioritizes funding to promote the 5-25 men’s basketball team and 5-7 football team, the track and field athletes are bringing home championships despite not having a home course in which to host. This means that the team must travel for every invitational and meet.

While football and basketball are traditionally the main sports that bring a university revenue, it’s apparent that these teams at TU aren’t performing well. The more games these teams continue to lose, the harder it

will be for the athletics department to sell tickets, which means revenue will plummet. Instead of spending money to advertise in attempts to get fans to a game that TU loses, the athletic department should be putting resources and money towards the winning programs. Track & field has continuous numerical proof that they deserve more of the university’s commitment and assets and that they will continue to be one of the best athletic teams at TU.

Osasuna: a club of the people on its way to glory

Sports writer Ryan Shumaker discusses the small Spanish soccer club playing in the Copa Del Rey semifinals and their journey to get there.

Over the past 20 years, the world’s attraction to European football has been increasingly exploited by capitalist excess and authoritarian governments using clubs as state assets. This has created a world where Bournemouth is outbidding AC Milan for players and relegation for some clubs means economic oblivion. Europe’s established elite have become so entrenched at the top that fans are urging Arsenal and Borussia Dortmund to win their domestic leagues as though they represent the outsiders. However, amid the transfer market’s hyperinflation and repetitive dominance by the clubs responsible, there is a club in the northeast of Spain who is two matches away from winning the country’s oldest competition in the purest way possible.

Located just south of the French border and east of Basque country, the city of Pamplona is the capital of Spain’s Navarre region and is most known for hosting the Festival of San Fermin where the famous Running of the Bulls takes place. Equally unique to the city’s famous festival is the way its beloved CA Osasuna operates. Along with being the only professional football club in the Navarre region, Osasuna is one of only four clubs in Spain that is owned by its members with an elected president. It is also one of the four teams remaining in this season’s Copa Del Rey. Their opponents in the

semifinals are fellow member-owned club, Athletic Bilbao. The second match of the two-legged tie will see Osasuna visit their Basque neighbors with a 1-0 lead to defend and history to pursue. Since their establishment in 1920, Osasuna has never won the Copa Del Rey or La Liga and it’s been 18 years since they last reached the Copa Del Rey Final. As incredible as it would be for Osasuna to win their first major trophy, the scale of what they have already achieved is staggering given where the club was just eight years ago. In the 2014-2015 season, Osasuna were fighting for their lives in the Spanish second division, having been relegated from La Liga in the season prior. With debt piled high, the club were at severe risk of going under if they were relegated to the third tier.

The team survived by one point on the season’s final day and the narrowly avoided crisis prompted the club to begin prioritizing development of homegrown talent instead of overextending themselves in the transfer market. With former midfielder Paxti Punal leading their youth academy, the club has devoted itself to seeing that the kids who come through the academy are developed into players that are identifiable as Osasuna graduates and given a well-rounded education regardless of whether they make it to the first team. There are 10 academy prod-

ucts in Osasuna’s first team and the current squad cost €614 million less than Real Madrid.

Despite the global reach of clubs like Real Madrid and Barcelona, the Navarre region of Spain is one where the lure of playing with Balon D’or winners in the Camp Nou or Bernabeu is trumped by the dream of progressing through the ranks of Osasuna alongside fellow Navarrese kids. Similarly, the supporters of Los Rojillos would rather watch Osasuna be a mid-table side with academy products in the first team than abandon the sustainable, community-based model of the club for a fuller trophy cabinet. The supporters are renowned for the atmosphere they create at home matches and although El Sadar only holds 23,576, it was named “World Stadium of the Year” in 2021 and recorded La Liga’s highest ever decibel count during a game against Real Madrid in 2009. It’s one of those special grounds where the crowd has a way of willing the ball into the net when Osasuna needs a goal,

but Jagoba Arraste’s side will be without their 12th man for the second leg on Thursday and Bilbao’s fans are known specifically for being at their most raucous on Copa Del Rey nights.

Osasuna’s form in the league isn’t great as they have receded to ninth place, but a mid-table finish in La Liga and Copa Del Rey semi-final is a world away from the position they were in not too long ago. The other three teams left in the tournament have lifted the trophy a combined 73 times and were all playing in the Champions League while Osasuna sat on the brink of oblivion in 2015. If they manage to hold off Bilbao on Thursday, it will be Barcelona or Real Madrid awaiting them in the final. Victory in the final may seem like a long shot, but perhaps it isn’t a miracle that Osasuna is nearing so close to this peak. It may just be that for clubs like Osasuna to win, they have to care about more than just winning.

Sports editor Callie Hummel discusses track & field’s success despite minimal university support.

“Osasuna has never won the Copa Del Rey or La Liga and it’s been 18 years since they last reached the Copa Del Rey Final.”

“Every single runner that attended the invitational set a new personal best.”

Shooting at The Covenant School in Nashville kills six

Six victims were claimed on March 27 at a private Presbyterian Church after an assailant entered the school with multiple weapons.

Alex Soeder Student Writer

Since the beginning of the year, there have been 130 mass shootings, and of those shootings, 417 childrens’ lives have been claimed by gun violence.

28-year-old Audrey Hale was identified as the shooter, a former student who did not target specific victims, rather the school itself. Hale was under the supervision of a doctor for an undisclosed emotional disorder and was not considered a threat to the public according to local police.

Hale was armed with two assault-style weapons and a handgun. He gained entry into the school by shooting into glass doors, shattering them. After a search of the assailant’s home, police disclosed that they found a sawed-off shotgun, a second shotgun and other unspecified items.

The shooter was a transgender man using he/him pronouns, and in reports about how the assailant was when he was younger, Hale was always a kind of quiet person but was very serious about his work.

Hale had no direct plan on how he would complete this attack, but police said in an interview he had a manifesto, writings on how to complete the shooting and detailed maps of the interior of the school with marked entry points.

There were six victims of this shooting, three students: Evelyn Dieckhaus, Hallie Scruggs and William Kinney, all 9 years old.

Three adults were also victims of the shooting: Katherine Koonce, 60; Cynthia Peak, 61 and Mike Hill, 61. Koonce was the head of the school, Peak a substitute teacher and Hill a custodian, according to investigators.

After the shooting, students were reported to have been seen holding hands as they walked to school buses, which took them to a nearby church for a reunion with their parents.

Unlike shootings of the past, the police response at the Woodmont Church was immediate, with time stamps showing that police received a call at 10:13 A.M., and were on the grounds of the school only 9 minutes later. At roughly 10:24, two minutes after getting onto the grounds of the school, officers Rex Engelbert and Michael Collazo were part of the team that directly took down the shooter.

Hale took shots at the team of approaching officers which included Engelbert and Collazo. After engaging with the shooter, Engelbert and Collazo collectively shot and killed Hale after receiving fire from the secondfloor windows.

In the investigation, Hale’s Honda Fit was driven and parked on the grounds of the school, and police identified the materials which included the detailed map and manifesto inside the vehicle.

On the heels of this shooting, President Biden called for immediate change, and to pass the assault weapons ban, saying, “It’s about time that we begin to make some

progress.” This previous summer, Congress passed a bipartisan bill that bolstered background checks for gun buyers under the age of 21, while simultaneously pumping federal money into states to put Red Flag laws in place.

President Biden issued a proclamation in remembrance of those lost in the shooting on Monday, ordering flags at the White House, public buildings and all military stations to be at half-staff until Friday at sunset.

Former President Trump indicted following Grand Jury investigation

are unknown because an indictment remains sealed up until the arraignment when the charges, and evidence against him, are formally read to the defendant.

Erika Brock News Editor

Former President Donald J. Trump has been indicted by a Grand Jury in New York following the investigation of the Jury.

The Grand Jury investigation of Trump took place over a period of several years, dating back to his time in the White House. The Jury has finally concluded its investigation and has indicted Trump, calling for his surrender or arrest.

What we do know is that the charges against him are numerous and related to the hush money payment scheme and cover-up involving adult film star Stormy Daniels back in 2016.

Trump’s attorney has said that Trump will not be arrested, unlike his previous social media statements made on March 18, and will instead be surrendering himself to the court for processing to begin on Tuesday, April 4.

The processing is identical regardless of whether or not he has been arrested or willingly turned himself in, and will take place

While Trump is awaiting trial, he is still eligible to run for president. He is expected to attempt to delay the legal process as much as possible, until beyond the presidential election. He is also expected to have a pre-trial push to move the trial out of Manhattan. In the previous election, Trump won only 22.6% percent of the New York City votes and is incredibly unpopular in the area.

It will be a very long time before we know the outcome of this trial, and even if convicted, it doesn’t necessarily mean Trump will go to jail. In the state of New York, a low-level felony of falsifying business records can hold a sentence of up to four years in prison, but sentences can be downgraded. It is very unusual for a person with no criminal record to be sentenced to jail for an extended period of time for a nonviolent crime such as this one.

The person in charge of this indictment is Manhattan District Attorney Alvan Bragg who was elected in November of 2021, following the resignation of previous District Attorney Cyrus Vance Jr. Bragg, who has not made any statements in regards to the trial, preferring to remain silent. An indictment is a formal charge of one or more felonies delivered by a Grand Jury, and in the state of New York, it is composed of 23 members of the general population. Right now, the exact charges

behind closed doors while the police or other law enforcement take his mugshots and fingerprints.

This is a very unique situation, as it is the first time in the history of the United States that a U.S. president, current or former, has faced criminal charges against him.

At the arraignment, the charges will be made known to him and the public. The judge will also determine if Trump needs to pay bail or adhere to certain restrictions prior to his trial. This is when Trump will enter a plea. Trump is expected to plead not guilty.

Donald Trump is the first president, current or former,

Donald Trump will report to the Manhattan District Attorney office on Tuesday for his arraignment.

The school and the community will feel the aftermath of this tragedy for years to come. courtesy The Covenant School Facebook

courtesy Wikimedia Commons

The charges against him remain unknown, and will be revealed on Tuesday, April 4.

“It will be a very long time before we know the outcome of this trial...”

SGA Cabinet merges with TU Events

photos of the events, social media content and every other meticulous detail of the SGA led events are chosen by the students. Cabinet has an advisor to help with more complicated things, but those advisors were also capable of stepping back and letting the students take charge, they were just there when needed so that the students could primarily be students. With the new merger into TU Events, there will be a strict hierarchy of activities assistants, directors, co-directors and graduate assistants leading up to a boss, Eric Flores, that oversees everything.

Callie Hummel Sports Editor

TU’s Student Government Association has always been an organization run by the students. Even the name alludes to the strong effect of the student-run, studentvision aspect of the events put on by SGA. An aspect that, after this year, will cease to exist.

The events you see on the Tulsa SGA Instagram and the t-shirts you wear to rep Springfest are a result of the Cabinet branch of SGA. Cabinet includes community involvement, DEI, marketing and other internal groups that work directly with the students.

It was recently announced that Cabinet will merge with TU Events, a universityled team that plans smaller events for students year round, which is led by nonstudents.

The Cabinet branch of SA was originally a place for students to gain experience in leadership and teamwork, learn how to correspond with different companies to put on events and be an impressive line on students’ resumes. They were working to create events for students, by students. The ideas for events, prizes, t-shirt designs,

Without having attended a Cabinet meeting before, learned more about the structure of the branch or worked to lead an event with cabinet members to learn more about the working structure, TU Events has decided that it would be best for the two organizations to merge. This would disintegrate the “student-led” aspect of Cabinet that puts on popular events every year such as homecoming week, International

Extravaganza and Springfest. Now all of these events, and Cabinet members themselves, will fall under TU Events. Instead of Cabinet members being led by their fellow elected students, they will be run by TU staff and the student government organization will feel more like a job than an organization run by students focused on doing good by the school.

Not all Cabinet members will get to experience the changes to the organization though, as the merger will severely cut the number of Cabinet members. Current members wanting to return next year will not be guaranteed a spot, they will have to go through an interview process with the head of TU Events and leader of this merger, Flores. Cabinet currently has 53 members spread throughout the different internal groups. The new structure next year will have 55 spots to fill using Cabinet members and TU Events workers, who have graduated and are doing this full-time as their profession. It is hard to understand

Biden takes steps to address the student loan crisis

to base their payments on their income, which can help ease the burden of student loan debt. Furthermore, some permanent changes are coming to the PSLF program. Borrowers pursuing PSLF need to fulfill three primary requirements including working for a qualifying government organization, having Federal Direct Loans and making 120 qualifying, ontime payments under an income-driven repayment plan or the standard repayment plan.

Mass student loan forgiveness remains withheld at the federal level but there is good news for public sector employees.

Adam Porterie Student Writer

While President Joe Biden has taken steps to address the student loan crisis that plagues millions throughout the country (steps which remain blocked by federal courts), his plan to aid public sector employees continues with much less grief. The current initiative includes a waiver that allows public sector employees to have looser restrictions around accessing full forgiveness.

Since the creation of the Public Sector Loan Forgiveness (PSLF) program in 2007, there have been multiple complications surrounding what classifies as a “qualifying payment” within the loan forgiveness problem. Even simple issues of timing of repayment or transferring employment were used to deny applications for forgiveness. The program was set up so that only those who completed specific types of loans with even more specific employers had their loans federally forgiven. The United States congress exemplified their greed in the creation of this program, which had a 99% forgiveness rejection rate within its first 10 years.

In addition to the PSLF waiver, Biden has also expanded income-driven repayment plans to make it easier for borrowers to manage their debt. The incomedriven repayment plans allow borrowers

how a college student with 15 credit hours and other extracurriculars will be asked to compete and work equally alongside someone who has a 9-5 time span to devote to these events.

The discourse pitting student versus TU employee also shows in the amount of time Flores is asking students to devote to

while hosting other events. With the fewer amount of events Cabinet traditionally does, student engagement officers already have a hard time getting enough volunteers. With three events per week, there is almost a guarantee TU Events will not be able to fill the positions needed and the events will flounder.

the merged organization next year. Flores and his team plan to hold three events per week, while SGA generally only holds 20 a year in addition to the smaller events when budget allows. Instead of the usual SGA cabinet week that consists of a one-hour meeting and the occasional busier days during event weeks, students will be asked to work a minimum of 10 hours a week to ensure these three events are completed.

Three events per week seems to be an unnecessary and unfeasible task. More does not always equal better. Undoubtedly, the events will begin to feel repetitive and give little room for creativity as there will be no time to work on ideas for new events

With all the changes, it seems as though business was at the forefront of the merger instead of putting the students first. Merger leadership should have learned more about how Cabinet runs and spoke with students in the current organization to get their advice on the best way to improve the two organizations. Having not done so, it seems as though the people leading this merge have no respect for the work students do. The idea of Cabinet, and SA as a whole, is to give students real-world experience in the industries they are interested in without having to job search or even leave campus. If TU employees are being integrated into this organization, graduates are leading the teams, and students have to fight for their spot, this organization is no longer an asset of the students.

Letter to TU

The Biden administration’s efforts to address the student loan debt crisis through the PSLF waiver and incomedriven repayment plans are impactful. For many borrowers, these measures have provided much-needed relief and breathing room as they prepare to start repaying their loans. However, there is still much work to be done, as many borrowers continue to struggle with high monthly payments and ballooning balances that make it harder for them to build wealth, like buying homes, putting away money for retirement and starting small businesses. Hopefully the Biden administration will continue to prioritize this issue and take further steps to address the student loan debt crisis in the years to come.

Biden’s waiver only impacts those who work in the public sector, which so far has been about 450,000 people, while the greater one-time forgiveness program of up to $20,000 continues to be fought at every level. The predatory nature of loans and for-profit colleges has plagued the minds of many into believing that tens of thousands of dollars in educational loans is an acceptable standard. Even if, by some miracle, one-time loan forgiveness is seen within this decade, there is little stopping for-profit colleges from continuing to gouge their students for every penny. The universities should be held accountable for their inflated practices.

Despite the lack of governability of higher education, Biden’s plan is a significant step in the right direction. By providing relief to borrowers and expanding income-driven repayment plans, he is helping to ease the burden of student loan debt. While there is still much work to be done, this is a positive development that should be celebrated. I hope that Biden’s administration will continue to prioritize loan forgiveness and not let it be another empty campaign promise.

Dear Campus Community, The Little Blue House, an open and affirming campus ministry at The University of Tulsa, is disappointed to learn of TU administration’s validation of discriminatory policies pertaining to student groups through its charter of the Christian Legal Society. As an interfaith community, we support and defend religious freedom as integral to our identity. However, denying the fundamental rights of LGBTQ+ students is not freedom. Members of the Student Bar Association echoed a precedent set by the Supreme Court in Christian Legal Society v. Martinez in concluding that chartering a CLS chapter at TU would violate the SBA’s anti-discrimination clause by granting special privileges and funding to a group that excludes members of the student body as a rule. Last month Oren Griffin, Dean of TU’s College of Law, overrode the Student Bar Association’s decision not to extend a charter, and therefore TU funds and privileges, to the CLS.

The CLS has made their opposition towards LGBTQ+ rights apparent through policy and pro-discrimination advocacy. All student members of the CLS are bound under penalty of possible suspension or expulsion to the organization’s Community Life Statement, which explicitly rejects the LGBTQ+ community by renouncing behavior that includes “...engaging in sexual relations other than within a marriage between one man and one woman.” By

their own policies and procedures, the CLS discriminates based on sexual orientation and identity, both of which are protected under Title IX.

By rejecting the Student Bar Association’s decision not to extend a charter to the CLS, Dean Griffin has forced the Student Bar Association to go against TU’s and the SBA’s own laws and policies. This decision contradicts the democratically elected SBA’s right to self-governance and the university’s obligations under their own codified anti-discrimination policies. While students may believe as they wish as individuals or in groups, universitysanctioned organizations must be held to the same standard campus-wide. Extending special privileges to certain student organizations over others sets a dangerous example for campuses nationwide.

The painful implication is that the value and humanity of LGBTQ+ people has once again been treated as a matter of opinion. It is our hope that TU will honor the SBA’s original decision to support student organizations committed to inclusion. The Little Blue House takes this opportunity to reaffirm our own heritage of encouraging all to feel welcome under our roof, including those affiliated with the CLS charter. We offer free veggie lunches at the Little Blue House every Wednesday at noon and hope you will consider stopping by. All are welcome to come exactly as they are.

Respectfully, The Little Blue House

Eric Flores will now oversee the student-led organization.

“More does not always equal better. ”

“... the merger will severely cut the number of Cabinet members. ”

The Little Blue House

TU events happening this week

Plan ahead and take some time to enjoy the events happening this week, from Mabee Week to Take Back the Night

Isabella Herrera Variety Editor

The sun is finally out and the weather isn’t so terrible, so step outside this week and have some fun. With Springfest over, it might not seem like a lot is happening around campus, so here are a few events you might enjoy.

Starting with Mabee week, the John Mabee and Lottie Jane dorm halls will team up to host a week full of fun events leading up to an awesome formal dance. Beginning the week with Rep Your Hall on Monday, this event seems a little more tailored to only individuals who live in the dorm halls, but they encourage everyone to wear blue for Lottie and yellow for John. Also, Mabee week stickers will be available, so keep an eye out for those! Tuesday is hide and seek, join everyone at Dietler Commons (in front of the library) at 7 p.m. for a campus-wide game of hide and seek.

Wednesday is White Lies and Wine, so be sure to check your emails to RSVP for painting at Pinot’s Palette. This event will be from 6:30-9 p.m. The event itself is free if you register, and transportation will also be provided for those who need it. Thursday’s event Field Day will also be held at Dietler commons from 7-9 p.m., so head out and enjoy some field games with some free refreshing drinks.

Lastly, on Friday, Mabee Week will be ending with an enchanted forest-themed formal. Themed dress and formal dress are encouraged for this event at The Silo event center from 8 p.m.-12 a.m. There will be drink tickets for the first 100 students over 21 and mocktails for those under 21. There will also be free food and free transportation for anyone who needs a ride to this event.

Stepping away from Mabee Week, many other events are going on for you to enjoy. This Saturday

John Mabee’s Toilet Bowl will be happening on the multipurpose field in front of Collins Fitness Center at 6 p.m. Enjoy playing some football or just watching and eating some free Rib Crib!

Another event happening this week that will not only be enjoyable but also empowering is Take Back The Night. This event is being hosted by

our student organization SAVE where women and other marginalized groups will rally together and march around campus. This event gives individuals the power and freeing feeling of being able to walk at night without fear of being attacked, assaulted or hurt in any other way. Not only will this event allow everyone to do this, but it is also showing everyone that they are not alone. You can register for this event on SAVE’s Instagram, the march will begin at the Mayo clubhouse at 6:30 p.m. and the food will be catered at 7:20 p.m. Lindsey Cain, from the DEI office, will also be giving a talk at this event.

Lastly, for this week and until April 20th, students can visit The Alexander Hogue Gallery Monday-Friday from 9 a.m. to 4:30 p.m. to see the Gussman Juried Student Exhibition for free. This exhibition holds various forms of artwork from photography, painting and even wire-made sculp -

tures, all made by students here at TU. The reception for this event was last Thursday. Students were given awards based on various categories and even our very own sports editor and social media manager Callie Hummel was given an award for her photograph that is presented in the gallery. This is a great place to see the amazing work of the students in the School of Art, Design & Art History. The Alexander Hogue Gallery is located in Phillips Hall which sits between the library and Helmrich hall.

There are plenty of events happening on campus that encourage all students to have fun, join empowering movements and support fellow students and their hard work. Take some time this week and find the event(s) that work best with your schedule to enjoy some time as a student of TU.

The Collegian attends Springfest week

Springfest this year consisted of three events throughout the week that were fun and enjoyable for all students.

Isabella Herrera Variety Editor

Last week, the Student Government Association hosted its annual Springfest week full of fun events for students. Three events were held: garden party, cowboy disco, and karaoke and cocktails. The garden party event gave students the opportunity to paint small plant pots and fill them with flower seeds while enjoying free sandwiches and music. The disco cowboy event consisted of free tacos, cowboy hat decorating, a petting zoo that was filled with adorable baby animals, and music. Karaoke and Cocktails was the last event for the week. Students participated in karaoke and could enjoy s’mores and fruit while listening to the entertainment.

“This event gives individuals the power and freeing feeling of being able to walk at night without fear...”

State-Run the media

How I, our head satirist, have fared in my fight against admin

at our storied history of conflict.

I know we have had our ups and downs but as your favorite satirist, I thought I would write you a letter. You know me, I am a silly goose who likes being goofy and writing incendiary pieces about your policy choices and balloon arrangements.

I have probably been on a watchlist of yours since freshman year when I went into Collins Hall to ask about how people get on the Board of Trustees and you refused to answer my question. Now that I am in my last semester, I wanted to tell you how fun it has been. You are the alcohol to my liver, by that I mean I really should stop doing this because it is bad for my future but won’t because it is really fun.

After all these years and all this fun we have had, I thought we should take stock of the situation and show the battles we have had and who has won.

Kyle 0, TU 1: cafeteria food

The first blow dealt was the london broil, which somehow tasted both overcooked and raw. That was a rough year for me.

Kyle 1, TU 1: I emailed Michael McClendan anonymously and he was an ass

In the early days of True Commitment, I sent an email with my concerns to the then head of CAPS, Michael McClendan and he responded saying they were lying to students because of their mental health

and that I can’t publish anything from his email. Jokes on him I do not have the email anymore because this was three years ago and I do not give a shit about his legal team. This is legally considered satire. Kiss my ass.

Kyle 2, TU 1: when I tried to ask a question to the staff in Hardesty but everyone was watching “The Office” on company time and no one was at the desk I am counting this as a win for me because it is really funny.

Kyle 3, TU 1: When I asked a question so scary that I got ghosted by the communications department

I asked around to find out who decides how people get on the Board of Trustees (even though I knew it is just whoever throws money at the university) and I got pinballed between offices so much I got seasick. The last office I went to made an appointment with me then canceled it as I walked out of the room and referred me to the communications department, which asked why I wanted to know and then did not respond when I explained I was just curious.

Kyle 3, TU 2: Brad Carson read my article about him and said it was “actually funny” on Twitter Jokes on me this time, I’ll admit it. That is fine, he still cannot read ticketing contracts, so I do not feel too bad about it.

Kyle 4, TU 2: Brad reads all my articles

I genuinely think I have more of a captive audience in Collins Hall than I do in my parents house. I am fine with that as I do not usually satirize my parents. I will thank you for always providing me with a plethora of subjects to satirize. You are my muse. Thank you.

Better luck next time, Brad.

A letter to TU: where is Spring fest?

I was flummoxed. Surely there was a misunderstanding. There just had to be things going on. I led my family over to Ack-Ack. Surely there we could see them posters pointing us in the right direction.

“It doesn’t exist.” Said the man in the dark blue suit and the dazzling smile who strode forward to shake my hand. “There is no Springfest at The University of Tulsa.”

Dear TU, Greetings. I am Harold Weiss. I am a proud TU alum and my dear boy Frank is a freshman this year studying Chemical Engineering in the College of Engineering and Natural Sciences. With the Oklahoma spring finally deciding to rear its windy head again, I told my dear wife Millicent that I would love to return to TU’s beautiful campus to enjoy an event that I have many fond memories of: Springfest at the University of Tulsa.

We piled in my Ram 1500 and drove the easy commute of four hours from our home in dear, windy Kansas. The sun and the smell of spring enlivened my spirits, and I began to dream of the nostalgia that awaited me in Tulsa. Millicent slept most of the drive.

We greeted our boy in the dorm I spent my freshman year in, John Mabee. “Well Frank,” says I,“Are you excited for your first TU Springfest?”

Frank looked a bit sheepish. “Well Pops,” he says. “I don’t know how to tell you this, but I don’t know what’s happening for Springfest.”

“You don’t know! You’ve got your head in the clouds again! Or it’s that damn phone your mama insisted you have when you’re at school.” I was aghast. Springfest was THE event for TU in the Spring. The petting zoo and the cornhole games were legendary. How could Frank not know??

“I mean it, Pops.” Frank protested. “I haven’t heard a thing. I tried to ask my RA about it but he just stared straight ahead.”

The campus was vacant and had an uneasy air about it. The wind seemed to carry whispers in it, along with a hurried shout before it was stifled. Students kept together in tight groups, shooting nervous glances at us.

“Excuse me, could you let me know the schedule for Springfest events this weekend?” I asked a lady in what Frank told me was the Bookstore, but what just looked like someone trying to wear all their TU t-shirts at once. She stared at me with fearful eyes for a minute before murmuring. “I’m afraid I don’t know what you’re talking about sir. That will be $4000 for the keychain and the textbook.” She added to a frazzled looking freshman who decided that they actually did need their textbooks to pass their class.

“Are you new?” I demanded, “Everyone knows what Springfest is! There is food and music and free t-shirts! It’s a staple of the TU experience!”

The lady looked up at me with tears in her eyes. “Please sir, I can’t help you.”

Enraged, I stormed out of the Ack-Ack to find someone to help me. “Where is Springfest?!” I demanded of a tour guide ferrying a group of whippersnapper highschoolers. “Sp-springfest?” He stuttered.

“There is no Springfest.”

“No Springfest.” Echoed some athletes leaving the Ack-Ack.

No Springfest.” Chimed in the sorority girls from across the way.

“No Springfest.” Added two men in a golf cart driving by.

No Springfest?? No Springfest.

TU, I write to implore you to correct this error. There was a Springfest. I was there! I remember it like it was yesterday. I know times have changed since I’ve been at TU (I blame those newfangled robots scurrying around and running things), but this

is an event near and dear to the heart and soul of TU. It unites all us alumni and is the reason I made Frank go to TU in the first place. Please please tell me if there is a Springfest! I know I’m right, dammit, why won’t you confess?! My wife is threatening to leave me if I keep on spinning tales like this, so I need you to help me. Help me!

Harold Weiss

Regards,

Kyle Garrison Dastardly bastard

TU vs Kyle, the saga. Let us look back