4 April 2022

a student newspaper of the University of Tulsa

April 4, 2022 - Issue 20 - Volume 107

Cover by: Amy Polovich

SA philanthropy funding requires oversight, page 5

Minnesota teacher strike ends, page 2 Cornhole roommates break under pressure, page 4 2022 Oscars overshadowed by drama, page 7 Satire: Five tips to deal psychic damage to your local congressman, page 10

The Collegian: 2

News

4 April 2022

Minnesota teacher strike ends

Teachers striking in Minneapolis follow a long trend of educators unionizing against school boards to acquire higher pay and more resources for students.

Adam Walsh Managing Editor

On March 8, teachers in the town of Minneapolis, Minnesota failed to show up to their classrooms. With reasons cited ranging from poor pay, low diversity, virtually nonexistent personal protective equipment from COVID-19 to a sad amount of resources to bolster students’ mental health, Minnesota teachers took to the streets and schools shuttered their doors. Over the course of March, more than 30,000 students could not attend their normal school days, with their teachers utilizing their right to peaceably assemble to petition for greater consideration towards educators and the support staff necessary to provide a consistent, high-quality education.

These strikes emerge from a consistent trend occurring over the last several years.

Oklahoma itself had a large teachers’ movement with educators flocking to the state capital. However, Oklahoma teachers technically did not go on strike because teachers are not allowed to unionize in Oklahoma.

Similarly, Sacramento, CA is currently facing their own round of strikes inspired by the Minnesota walkouts. Such drastic actions are not done in haste, with the Minneapolis teachers’ union negotiating with the school board before, during and after the movement. However, instead of waiting for the union to call a vote, the Board of Education in Minneapolis continued to pressure the teachers with robocalls going out to parents before the strike officially ended.

The main achievements set out by the teachers’ union focus on the multi-billion budget surplus held by the Minnesota state government in comparison to the $24,000 a year salary for the non-teaching educational support professionals. With the state government only expecting a $7 billion surplus,

The teachers achieved salary increases and more funding for student mental health.

the current $9.25 billion offers the potential, from the strikers’ perspective, to facilitate the creation of more jobs while increasing salaries for current employees. Before the strike, some teachers were unable to meet

dollars less per year than teachers in Saint Paul, Minnesota. This coincides with a declining rate of student enrollment, with very little indication as to why these numbers are dropping.

courtesy Wikimedia Commons

perception that the school board cares very little about them, teachers were pushed over the edge. The two primary points agreed upon by the strike negotiation team and the school board focus on the demanded salary

“... even with the expansion of salary, the Minneapolis school teachers would make several thousand dollars less per year than teachers in Saint Paul ...” the cost of living, some living in their cars and others relying on additional jobs or money sources to provide for themselves.

Teachers were looking for a 3% raise for the next academic year for teachers and educational professionals, with an additional 3% the year after. However, even with the expansion of salary, the Minneapolis school teachers would make several thousand

With approximately 4,500 workers striking and schools closed, some families that rely on public schools to provide lunch or watch over their children are facing increasing issues with either finding free childcare or paying out of pocket. The depressed job market in the wake of the pandemic also exacerbates these issues. With low salaries, atrophying student enrollment rates and the

increases already mentioned and a multimillion dollar infusion of cash targeting the current student mental health crisis in Minneapolis schools.

As the strike concludes, it seems to be a stepping stone in the grander conflict between school boards and educators.

Plastic particles found in human bloodstream Research from the Netherlands suggests microplastic particles are absorbed into the bloodstream upon exposure.

Logan Guthrie Commentary Editor In March, the first academic research was published in Environment International on the detection of microplastics in human bloodstreams. According to Dr. Heather A. Leslie and other researchers, there has been no development of a human health risk assessment (HRA) for pollution related to plastic particles as a consequence of mini-

mal data related to exposure to humans and hazards related to toxicology, making this study even more important.

these particles have an effect on the human body, and if the body does take in the particles upon exposure.

whose bodies were in healthy condition and who had not been fasting up to the time of sampling. All the samples were tested for

“... scientists ... found evidence of microparticles from at least four different types of common plastics in ... an alarming 77.3% of the group.”

Microplastic has not been universally defined, but it seems that it refers most commonly to small plastic particles under 5 millimeters in size. Particles of plastic have been previously identified in the feces of babies at a 10 times higher rate than adults due to the plastic bottles used for their feeding.

In the research that has been done so far, the question has often been asked to what extent

There is clear evidence that humans consume microplastic particles, but no study has been previously conducted on whether the particles enter someone’s bloodstream.

Now we have preliminary research from the Netherlands that suggests this does occur to some extent.

The research team obtained blood samples from 22 anonymous adult volunteers

courtesy Wikimedia Commons Microplastic particles have been identified in baby feces at 10 times a higher rate than adults due to plastic feeding bottles.

any sort of background contamination before being analyzed as well as other methods of data quality control such as duplicating the analysis to ensure accurate results.

The new methodology used in this study is revolutionary given that so much medical equipment today is manufactured using plastic materials, yet these scientists were able to collect and analyze all of their samples without using any plastic equipment that could cause contamination. Although more tests are needed to confirm the results of the new methods these scientists used, they found evidence of microparticles from at least four different types of common plastics in the samples from 17 out of their 22 subjects, an alarming 77.3% of the group.

In an interview with Medical News Today, Prof. Tamara Galloway said, “Human biomonitoring methods for measuring plastics additives have been available for several years […] But measuring microplastics, especially at the small size that would likely circulate in blood vessels (<7 microns), is very hard. This paper is good news because it describes a method that is sensitive enough to do this in blood samples and combines size fractionation and mass measurements.”

The question now is where the microplastic goes once it is in the human body’s bloodstream. Does it have a significant impact on organs? What sort of immune response occurs to microplastic exposure?

The report itself is very clear that further research is necessary to understand the implications, stating, “The fate of plastic particles in the bloodstream needs further study to answer questions regarding the potential accumulation in the general population and exposed workers, the environmental factors contributing to the internal exposure and toxicological and human health effects that may result from different scenarios.”

4 April 2022

Sports

The Collegian: 3

Albert Pujols to return to St. Louis Cardinals Pujols will be finishing out his professional baseball career in St. Louis, says sports editor Callie Hummel. runs a family foundation out of St. Louis, so even in his years with Los Angeles, he frequents St. Louis for charity events and meeting with Cardinals’ fans. Even though he’s living across the country, Pujols claims that he “might be wearing a different uniform, but [he] feels like [he] never left.”

He pushes the young players to be better without saying anything, simply leading by example of the training regimen they must uphold to be considered one of the greats.

Pujols may be just a few months from his retirement, but the approaching end hasn’t done anything to damper Pujols’ tal-

“He pushes the young players to be better without saying anything ...”

courtesy @PujolsFive on Twitter

After 10 years away from the St. Louis Cardinals, Albert Pujols is officially back on the team for his final year before retiring.

Pujols was first drafted by the Cardinals in 1999, a 13th round pick who developed into a three-time MVP, won two Golden Gloves, earned two World Series wins and became a 10-time All-Star who is expected to be a first ballot hall of famer. In 2011, right after the Cardinals won their 11th World Series, Pujols announced he would be joining the Los Angeles Angels. This was his second World Series win, both times as a Cardinal. He signed a 10-year contract for

$254 million. As a staple to the Cardinals, both as a city favorite and a leader on the field, the news was surprising to everyone from teammates to fans.

Most well known for his home runs, adding up to 679 total home runs in the 23 years. Pujols is currently fifth in the nation for career home runs, only 17 behind fourth place. In his return to St. Louis, Pujols may be able to break out and continue rising up the ranks.

The first-baseman had dug his roots deep in the St. Louis community, which is why his departure came as a shock to many. He

So when the 10-year contract with Los Angeles ended after the 2021 season and Pujols, at the age of 42, is nearing retirement, coming back to the team where it all started seemed like a no-brainer. Throughout sports, there have been a prolific amount of athletes who decided to return to their home teams for their final seasons, and Pujols has decided to do the same.

The current deal has Pujols signing a one-year contract with the Cardinals for $2.5 million, pending the results of his physical.

When the season ends, so will his professional baseball career after 23 seasons.

Pujols isn’t just heading to St. Louis to have an easy finish to his long career back in the town where it all started. Leaders on the team, Adam Wainwright and Yadier Molina expressed their gratitude for Pujols’ return.

courtesy @PujolsFive on Twitter

ents — or his home runs. The managers for the Cardinals aren’t just taking him back because this is where he started; they still believe Pujols will be a big help to their team.

The new head manager says, “He’s got more t h a n something left. Albert wants to play this year because he can help a team win.”

Pujols left the team once after a World Series win, and fans are hoping that this year is no different.

courtesy @PujolsFive on Twitter

Aleksandr Sorokin runs 100 miles in under 11 hours Commentary editor Logan Guthrie discusses the ultramarathon runner breaking two world records.

Lithuanian athlete Aleksandr “Sania” Sorokin, a leader in the recent revitalization of the sport of ultrarunning, just recently set a new personal and world record for the 100-mile run. Already considered one of the greatest ultramarathon runners in the world, he certainly has gone above and beyond to prove that it is true.

It is impossible to not be in awe of such a physical feat. Last April, Sorokin had set a new world record for the 100 miles at 11 hours, 14 minutes and 56 seconds and a 12hour distance record of 105.82 miles. But on Jan. 6 at the Spartonian race in Tel Aviv, he broke both of these records making a time of 10 hours, 51 minutes and 39 seconds and 110.23 miles in 12 hours. His pace was at a range between 6:13 and 6:25 per mile at his fastest point.

Sorokin has a very different perspective on running than many athletes. In reference

to what he refers to as “radical acceptance”, he says, “There’s only one word to describe the last hours of a race: torture. Time feels like it goes slower. The laps feel like they get longer.” Many people outside the sport would likely consider running for 100 miles as nothing but suffering, but perhaps it is by pushing past those mental barriers is what allows him to complete a task that seems so impossible.

gain following a turn to junk food, cigarettes and alcohol. He went from a man who started running in 2012 as a means to getting back into shape to becoming one of the greatest long distance runners of all time.

When discussing the importance of mental and physical preparation for his longdistance competitions, Sorokin says, “It’s a synergy between the physical and mental states of your body and your mind.”

“Sorokin has a very different perspective on running than many athletes.”

Sorokin, at 40 years old, is a very wellrounded athlete in incredible physical shape, but he has had his ups and downs. After his competitive kayaking career in his younger days ended, he experienced serious weight

The amount of calories and fluids that Sorokin consumed in the midst of his worldrecord run is staggering. He drank various liquids including water, Coca-Cola and a variety of electrolyte drinks totaling a half-

liter over the span of the race and several gels, cookies, candy and chips totaling 400 calories per hour of the Spartonian. This totals out to be 6 liters of liquid and 4,800 calories by the end.

Previous ultramarathon world record holder Zach Bitter is anything but bitter in his praise of Sorokin for his efforts, turning to Twitter to say, “Yet another incredible performance and historic day for Sania Sorokin, becoming the first person to break 11 hours for 100 miles!” It truly was a historic day for the sport and for Sorokin. While we all can’t wait to see what he and other ultrarunners will accomplish in the future, he can always look back on this run with a sense of pride and achievement.

courtesy @PFF Fantasy Football on Twitter

Sports

The Collegian: 4

4 April 2022

Students compete at TU cornhole tournament Sports writer Bethany Sergeant writes about her riveting competition at the TU cornhole tournament

March thirtieth, twenty-twenty-two. The day of the Springfest Country Cornhole tournament that will go down in infamy. I woke up, ready to face the world. I made sure to eat a nutritious breakfast of precisely nothing in order to prepare my body for what lay ahead. They say breakfast is the most important meal of the day, and I agree.

Maybe my lack of breakfast could explain the tragic events that would occur that very evening.

I was set to compete with my roommate Grace. Grace and I have been through a lot together. We have faced many challenges and shared many joys. Little did we know, we had yet to face our darkest trial. Our team name was And They Were Roommates.

We were going for something … corny … yet descriptive. You may be impressed by our cornhole-team-naming-skills, but you should know that this wasn’t the first tournament we had faced by each other’s side.

We had already founded quite a reputation for ourselves by excelling in an on-campus cornhole tournament last year. We played under the name Shark Dream, and we were a force to be reckoned with. Grace and I came close to taking it all.

Alas, the day arrives, and our preparations continue. The time comes to walk into the Reynolds Center — the tournament has moved inside due to the cold and rainy weather. We approach some boards and begin warming up. Very rough throws at first.

Inconsistent at best as we continue. I start questioning if I have lost my touch. To make it all worse, the floor is slippery! I toss the bag with my right hand, plant with my left and I sliiiiide forward. We try not to let the slipping hazard get in our heads.

It’s a double elimination tournament.

We begin playing our first team. We calmly throw our first bags, and it’s a rough start for everyone. To be expected. I’ll spare you the details, but we got crushed. It is a disheartening start, but we keep our heads up. We get to play again so we need to have clear minds for our next game.

Game two begins, and we are feeling pretty confident. Bags are being tossed every which way, occasionally landing on the board. It is a neck-in-neck game until the score is 6-6. Then we have a lucky run and finish off the game in one additional round by getting five points (they are 11 point games). Our confidence is at an all time

“Little did we know, we had yet to face our darkest trial.”

Even with our amazing track record we did not rest on our laurels! No! We put in the hard work for the Springfest Country Cornhole tournament. We stretched. We practiced our throwing form in synchrony with one another. Grace even looked up “proper cornhole form” to ensure that we were preparing correctly. We were, of course. We knew better than to become complacent before the big day.

high. We are on a winning streak, sort of.

We go find our next opponents, who call themselves Come On. Come On is a close match to us. We cancel each other out time and again, often getting 2-3 bags on the board. One member of Come On throws his bags like he is shooting a basketball. It is the strangest form I have ever seen. The results of his throws are about what you would expect, with a few

courtesy @iplaycornhole on Twitter

lucky hits tucked in there. Once again, we are neck-in-neck with our opponents. It’s 8-9 (we’re down one), and then Hollaback Girl by Gwen Stefani starts playing. It’s my turn to throw. I lose focus. I can’t stop thinking about that cover of the song I listened to in my high school World History class that replaces B-A-N-A-N-A-S with B-U-B-ON-I-C. I start laughing and then I try to regain focus and make a solid toss. Tragically, my form crumbles. We lose traction and now it is up to Grace to keep us alive. The pressure gets to her and she misses all of her throws. We were never the type of team who

thrives under pressure, and we knew that.

So we saw the writing on the wall.

Just like that, our plans of crushing the cornhole tournament were dashed. Looking back, I can’t help but wonder what would have happened if Hollaback Girl hadn’t been playing at the time. I like to think that we would have gone on to win it all!

Apr. 4 - Apr. 10 Monday

Tuesday 5

4

W Golf Red Raider Match Play All Day

Wednesday

none

6

Thursday

Friday 8

7

Softball Track & Field @Oklahoma Uni- John McDonnell versity Invitational 6:00 p.m.

All Day

Saturday

Sunday 10

9

Track & Field Joe Walker Invitational All Day

Track & Field John McDonnell Invitational All Day M Tennis vs. UCF 5:00 p.m.

M Soccer Track & Field vs. Mid-American Joe Walker InviChristian tational 9:00 a.m.

All Day W Tennis M Tennis vs. North Texas vs. South Florida 10:00 a.m.

9:00 a.m.

W Soccer vs. Northwestern Oklahoma State 11:00 a.m.

M Soccer vs. Crowley Country CC 2:00 p.m.

W Soccer vs. Oral Roberts 2:30 p.m.

W Tennis vs. UCF 12:30 p.m.

Commentary

4 April 2022

The Collegian: 5

SA philanthropy funding needs accountability

Discussions over a recent bill highlight exclusivity and a lack of oversight on SA charity events.

Adam Walsh Managing Editor Student Association (SA) has driven itself into a deep discussion over a proposed bill and amendment that would impact funding for campus events. Instead of continuing with the current system that offers philanthropic event organizers a total of $3,000 per year with very little direct oversight, the SA Government Operations Committee (GOC) has proposed a bill that would change the functionality of SA’s involvement with this particular type of event and increase the portions dedicated to each level of expenditure.

At the moment, events that receive SA funding fall under three categories, termed “tiers.” An event’s tier is determined by criteria outlined in SA’s Monetary Allocations Guidelines (MAG) — the document the proposed bill would amend. Each tier has specific descriptions and limitations that affect the amount of money and support offered by SA. Large-scale campus-wide events that focus on community building are considered Tier 1; programs with a smaller scope and interest such as special lectures or seminars occupy Tier 2; and Tier 3 encompasses smaller internal meetings, teambuilding activities, competitive apparel and one event that falls outside of the prescribed criteria.

While Tier 3 events have the most flexibility and exclusivity, they receive the smallest amount of SA funding, with the monetary allowance increasing based on the general interest of the student body.

Tier 2 also currently includes philanthropic events. This tier system does have a massive amount of wiggle room depending on who defines the tier of an event, although there is still an internal monetary and event limit that dictates the amount of funding a single organization may receive.

to a perception that these changes unfairly target philanthropy events hosted by fraternities and sororities. This conversation became radically charged when Senator Jack Sommers introduced an amendment to this bill that would completely cut funding for philanthropy events with an internal charge.

Sommers’ suggestion eliminates a specific exclusion clause that would allow funding to double-charge events so long as they are philanthropic. With an overly extreme option on the table, translating the remarks and attempting to tie them to their respective subjects becomes nearly impossible.

A senator could be speaking about the bill, Sommers’ amendment or something else entirely, yet it all morphs into this one stream of consciousness.

There are those that have issues with the terminology of the bill or believe there is a less extreme option that should be pursued first. It appears that this group consists primarily of non-Greek life senators in attendance, based on the Senate meeting minutes posted on the SA website, but that might be a fragment of the larger picture. These Senators worry cutting funding may negatively affect smaller organizations. The most vocal contingent represents the interest of Greek life, a faction that sees their free money slipping through their fingers. Although senators naturally represent and pursue what is best for their group, there has to be recognition from those special interests that the student body as a whole should take higher priority than their niche interest.

The inability to untangle this issue from Greek life gets messy when translating this discussion into terms of constituencies in favor of the bill and those against it, which compounds in complexity considering Sommers’ radical amendment. Senators Frame and Scott embody this aspect. Both are fraternity members who have taken an interest in the amount of funding utilized, potentially to poor outcomes, by fraternities.

However, Frame and Scott’s affiliation with larger frats might affect their willingness to cut funding. The theory goes that larger fraternities can draw on more internal funds while smaller frats will suffer due to their restricted budgets.

Including all of the academic colleges, Greek housing has an overly large contingent of the voting power. While these affiliations may overlap, the system should favor the actual function of the university as an educational institution instead of pay-tojoin national organizations outside of regular school operations; a coalition of colleges should not have equal voting power to Greek housing. The seats should be balanced in the opposite way. College senate seats either need to increase to reflect the importance of academics or Greek life housing should reduce their number of seats.

“... several senators simply state they do not know where the money goes after it leaves SA hands.”

The information in the Monetary Allocations Guidelines presents a concise thesis for SA’s goals in funding events: the more people that show up, the more money the organization will receive. In theory, this incentivizes the construction of experiences that cater to a wider audience, which will in turn lead to greater student engagement and bonding. Current discussion revolves around a proposed change to the definition of “philanthropic” events. The bill would remove philanthropy events entirely from the second tier which, yet philanthropy events will still exist but require contextual review in relation to the other criteria. The total funding cap per organization will be cut in half to $750 per semester.

The proposed change specifically targets philanthropic events that both receive SA funding and charges students for participation, commonly seen in door charges. This “double-charge” phenomenon lies at the core of the disagreement, and the vast majority of these double-charge philanthropy occasions are hosted by Greek life organizations. The double-charge terminology refers to the SA fee paid by all students in conjunction with the door price. The philosophy espoused by SA is that this semester fee incorporated in students’ tuition should cover entrance to activities funded by SA. While the bill was written and sponsored by two individuals that are affiliated with fraternities, some Greek housing representatives oppose the proposed funding bill due

Tracking this debate has been extremely difficult due to the messy nature of the minutes, with frequent spelling mistakes and possible omissions, as well as the SA website itself defying easy use. This compromises SA’s ability to relate its operations to those it reportedly represents. Unless someone knows an SA official, it is unlikely they will hear about these issues by the time they are resolved. The SA website presents an easy avenue for conveying this information, yet the errors in the minutes and disappearing information make it seem like an afterthought.

While I might be out of touch concerning parties and other campus events, the thought of my semiannual SA fee going toward food, decorations and other items so a national organization superfluous to the university can bankroll an event without a guarantee or verification that the event actually accomplishes its goal goes against my personal code of ethics. Similarly, the idea that a Greek life organization can utilize this SA funding and charge at the door in an attempt to offset the cost of running an event boggles my mind, especially since SA dues are intended to cover those entrance fees and there is no indication that these events are actually successful. When asked about the data on this particular point, it was revealed in the Senate discussion that there is no active SA-based apparatus that tracks this money after it leaves SA control. In the Senate meeting minutes, several senators

simply state they do not know where the money goes after it leaves SA hands. One senator stated that those concerned should simply check the frat’s Instagram account, which, of course, has no accountability or actual proof.

Here is the core issue. The lack of oversight confirming that money allocated to these events goes to the proper expenditures translates into an “honor system” — as stated by SA Treasurer Kaitlyn Argo — where one side has no obligation to be honest.

The utter apathy and disinterest to follow the money is clearly exhibited in one select statement from SA’s “Sargent-at-Arms” (as spelled on the SA website) in the Monetary Allocations Committee minutes, “[SA] should not be worried about where the money goes after they give it away.” This quote exemplifies why students hold SA in such poor regard. They see SA as an impotent and inconsistent organization with little real power. Another negative sign is that four people ran for the four executive positions, indicating a poor relationship between the student body and SA. This is why the most recognized actions made by SA have emerged from hyper-dramatic instances of self-aggrandizement, most recently in the Splain v. Williams judicial case, whose ruling is no longer available on the SA website.

While SA has a very poor reputation, some individuals do have a genuine interest in doing their due diligence. Upon real-

izing how inept SA currently is in pursuing answers to the handling of this money, Director of Senate Operations Liz Williams seemed to take immediate action, shifting the debate away from a total restructuring of philanthropy events to a discussion of proactive information collection. Yet her attempts to create a sensible alternative were drowned out by other questions and statements; senators were preoccupied with arranging the goals of a philanthropic event in terms of profit. The proposed Allocations Guidelines define philanthropy events as ones where students are required to make another payment, with that capital going to a charitable organization. This would be affected by that $1500 yearly cap per organization, but some individuals see that cap as too restrictive.

One individual refers to their specific organization’s inability to put on events due to their small chapter size. To that and the insistence on profits, if an organization on campus relies on SA funding for an event, why should SA have any faith that this event will actually turn a profit? The greater the dollar amount siphoned from the SA budget, the larger the return should be. If smaller organizations are unable to make back the money they receive from SA, they have not

tucollegian@tucollegian.com editor in chief

Justin Klopfer managing editor

Adam Walsh news editor

Shelby Hiens sports editor

Callie Hummel variety editor

Julianne Tran commentary editor

Logan Guthrie satire editor

Anna Johns photo & graphics editor

Amy Polovich

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Jihan Aldada courtesy utulsa.edu

actually done anything for their charitable organization. In fact, they have reduced the money that could have been sent directly to the charitable organization through the pursuit of a personally-enriching event.

Various senators bring up this exact point, and I believe this is where Williams has the strongest case to argue for more oversight, as well as where the discussion returns to door charges for entrance.

“... no one knows who gains the most from these events because no one in SA collects the concrete data.”

business & advertising manager

All students pay a $75 fee per semester to fund Student Association.

graphic by Logan Guthrie SA’s purpose is to serve as a platform for students to voice their needs, so that the college experience can be improved.

The senators’ various rebuttals revolve around the possibility of turning a profit before door sales are added into the calculation, but that itself is a violation of the ethos espoused in the Monetary Allocations Guidelines, specifically code II.F.2.iv, which states “SA funded events must be open to all of campus” — a point discussed heavily in the MAC’s internal meeting. A paywall at the door renders the event exclusive to those with the funds to pay, and with hosting house members expected to work the event, they most likely receive any leftover goods from the event, a sentiment argued

by Senator Parker Bedlan. The worst part of this situation is that no one knows who gains the most from these events because no one in SA collects the concrete data. It’s baffling. It’s incompetent. It’s why I look at my $75 SA membership fee and feel so much disdain. At least with my tuition I know vaguely where it goes and whom I can be angry with.

After the lengthy discussion on the 29th, the bill was sent back to committee for further review. The reconsidered bill will be voted on during the Senate’s next meeting on Tuesday at 9 p.m. in Helmerich Hall 105, per the SA website.

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The Collegian: 6

Commentary

4 April 2022

Tenured faculty fired over gay guest speaker gard of the policies and values of the university,” according to Kevin Jacobs, O’Keefe’s lawyer, “Letting students expect a world where you may be different is the message Mr. O’Keefe wanted his students to hear.

That’s the message this speaker delivered,

ideas that should be perpetuated, especially amongst those who have just reached adulthood and are only just beginning to figure out who they are. Universities are inclined to be diverse and inclusive. Oklahoma Christian University is obviously neither.

“Not only had the guest speaker attended the school, but they had worked as an adjunct for two decades.”

Oklahoma Christian University is not teaching students the importance of inclusivity and diversity.

Shelby Hiens News Editor Oklahoma Christian University allegedly fired a tenured professor for inviting an openly gay guest speaker to his class.

This absurdity has received serious backlash for censorship of free speech and overt homophobia.

Michael O’Keefe taught graphic design for 41 years at the university until March 7. The professor brought in an Oklahoma Christian University alumni to speak about their personal challenges and developing resilience in his senior-level class, “The Business of Branding Yourself.” One of the alumni had been an adjunct professor for the private university for almost 20 years. This same alumnus is openly gay.

The university allegedly fired O’Keefe soon after for his “gross misconduct, conduct contrary to the mission and values of Oklahoma Christian University and disre-

not an advocacy of gay rights. Unfortunately, that’s not permitted at Oklahoma Christian University today. It cost Mr. O’Keefe his job.”

Come on people, it’s the 21st century.

Same-sex marriage has been legal across the U.S. for seven years now and the LGBTQ community is still fighting for basic rights every day. Apparently one of them is the right to talk with college students about overcoming obstacles — something they probably know about as members of a discriminated and marginalized group.

It is ridiculous for a university to censor and restrict the conversations on their campus, where students are preparing to enter the real world. Newsflash — nothing is offlimits in the real world. College is a place where students should be able to have new experiences and participate in conversations freely, effectively getting a taste of the real world in a safe environment. The university’s homophobic alleged decision to fire O’Keefe for inviting an openly gay speaker to enlighten his students is preposterous.

And honestly, it’s dangerous.

This decision impacts the students just as well as O’Keefe. It sends a message that being openly gay is not okay; that having a purely academic discussion with an openly gay person is not okay. These are not

The fact that the university almost immediately terminated the employment of a tenured professor for this reason is, in my opinion, insane. Not only had the guest speaker attended the school, but they had worked

coutesy @BrianWinkeler on Twitter This was the last tour that Robot House gave to Michael O’Keefe’s students back in 2021. As a result of his firing, they have severed any ties that they had to Oklahoma Christian University.

owner of the damaged vehicle was contacted. The student and other vehicle owner exchanged information. Copy of report forward to Physical Plant and Student Affairs for their review.

4:55 pm University of Tulsa Campus Safety and Security officers responded to a report of marijuana odor in the Norman Village Apartments. Officers determined the source of the odor but did not locate any marijuana. A housing contact card was issued for a housing violation. Copy of report forwarded to Housing and Student Affairs for their review.

March 23 8;15 am University of Tulsa Campus Safety and Security officers were dispatched to a fire alarm at the Kappa Alpha Theta Sorority.

Officers checked the source of the alarm and did not find any fire or smoke. The fire panel was reset. The Physical Plant was notified, and the Tulsa Fire Department was cancelled. Copy of report forwarded to Housing, Physical Plant and Student Affairs for their review.

8:30 am University of Tulsa Campus Safety and Security officers responded to a call for an injured employee in the Allen Chapman Student Union (ACSU) parking lot. Officers met with the employee who refused Emer-

gency Medical Services Authority (EMSA) assistance. Officers assisted the employee back to their office. Copy of report forwarded to Physical Plant and Human Resources for their review.

9:45 am University of Tulsa Campus Safety and Security received information from a student reporting irregular behavior from a fellow student. Officers spoke with both parties and documented their statements. Copy of report forwarded to Student Affairs for their review.

2:15 pm University of Tulsa Campus Safety and Security officers responded to a call from a student due to their car door hitting a parked car in the Brown Village parking lot. The

as an adjunct for two decades. The speaker was no stranger to the private university.

Could there have been more to the university’s decision than the guest speaker simply being gay? If there were, some spokesperson surely would have come out and said so by now to avoid the backlash. The only response to O’Keefe’s allegations has been a statement from Oklahoma Christian University’s Chief Legal Counsel Stephen Eck, “The decision to end employment was made after a thorough review process. The university will always put first the wellbeing of our students in every decision we make.” The university seems to have a twisted perception of what students’ wellbeing looks like.

6:30 pm University of Tulsa Campus Safety and Security officers met Tulsa Police Officers at Mabee Gym in relation to property recovered as a result of off-campus police action.

Officers determined the property belonged to a TU student. The student was contacted and declined to press charges or recover the property. Copy of report forwarded to Student Affairs for their review.

March 24 1:10 pm University of Tulsa Campus Safety and Security officers made contact with an individual in the Mabee East Lot. The individual stated they were passing through campus because they were leaving their partner’s house to stay at a friend’s house for the night. Officers determined the individual was not a TU affiliate. The individual was negative on warrants and previous contact.

The individual was trespass warned and escorted off property. A contact card was created.

1:30 pm University of Tulsa Campus Safety and Security officers received a report via telephone from a non-university affiliate. The individual alleged to have received intimidating and harassing comments by a student via social media. Copy of report forwarded to Student Affairs for their review.

9:15 pm University of Tulsa Campus Safety and Security officers responded to a suspicious vehicle observed in the Mayo Village Apartments parking lot. Officers made contact with the vehicle. The driver of the vehicle was determined to not be a university affiliate. After a prior contact and active warrants check returned negative, the individual was trespass warned and escorted off campus.

Copy of report forwarded to Physical Plant and Student Affairs for their review.

March 25 4:25 am While on routine patrol, University of Tulsa Campus Safety and Security officers made contact with an individual walking in the Lorton Lot. The individual stated they were walking to a friend’s house. The individual was negative warrants and previous contact.

The individual was trespass warned and escorted off campus. A contact card was created.

12:00 pm University of Tulsa Campus Safety and Security officers were dispatched to the University School for a suspicious individual wearing minimal clothing and carrying sticks. The individual informed officers they were leaving from the United Methodist Church. Officers trespass warned the individual based on previous contact with the individual. A contact card was created.

March 26 9:30 am University of Tulsa Campus Safety and Security received a phone call by a University of Tulsa affiliate who had received threatening text messages by a non-TU affiliated individual. The Communication Center informed the victim to contact the Tulsa Police Department (TPD) and e-mail information on the non-affiliated individual. Copy of report forwarded to Human Resources for their review.

4:40 pm University of Tulsa Campus Safety and Security officers were dispatched to investigate a report of vandalism which occurred at the West Park Apartments. Officers took a written statement from the victim, who was a TU affiliate, and advised them to file a report with the Tulsa Police Department.

Copy of report forwarded to Physical Plant and Human Resources for their review.

March 27 5:45 pm While on routine patrol, University of Tulsa Campus Safety and Security officers investigated the presence of the Emergency Medical Services Authority (EMSA) and Tulsa Fire Department outside of a sorority house.

Officers spoke with TU affiliates and determined that emergency services were present in response to a medical call. The individual refused treatment from EMSA. Copy of report forwarded to Housing and Student Affairs for their review.

2:50 pm University of Tulsa Campus Safety and Security officers responded to an individual making undirected threats and acting suspicious. The individual was reported as having a knife on their person. Officers arrived on scene and detained the individual, who was not a university affiliate. A prior contact and active warrants check returned negative. Officers located the knife and contacted the Tulsa Police Department (TPD).

TPD arrived on scene and investigated the threats. TPD did not cite nor arrest the individual because no victim was found. Officers issued a trespass warning and escorted the individual off property. A contact card was created.

The Collegian does not produce or edit the Campus Crime Watch except for content and brevity.

Variety

4 April 2022

“And The Writer Is…with Ross Golan” showcases the work of songwriters.

Hana Saad Student Writer “And The Writer Is … with Ross Golan” is a show that features interviews with the writers and producers behind some of the biggest hits around the globe. The conversations with these creative workers in the industry revolve around craft, how they ended up in the music business and more.

It updates once a week and is in its seventh season, which means plenty of content

for music lovers to listen to. Recent guests to the show include: Lin-Manuel Miranda, Ryan Tedder and Michael Bublė. This podcast is the perfect listen for anyone who loves taking a deep dive into their favorite artists or songs. Recently, the show has also been providing regular updates of news from the music industry, in snippets that range from 2-5 minutes.

The show is dedicated to revealing what really goes on behind closed doors in the music industry through incisive conversations with the creatives who have seen the best and the worst of the industry. It aims to give a platform to songwriters and producers, whose contributions often go without mention.

We don’t talk about the songwriters nearly as much as we talk about the artists singing the songs. Most people can’t name the songwriters behind some of the greatest hits in popular music, unless the collaborator has been given more recognition by the star or musician. However, without the skill of these incredible yet oftentimes invisible writers, like the ones featured on this show, our favorite songs might not exist.

Since the podcast offers insight into the songwriting creative process, it is a valuable resource for writers of all kinds, especially those interested in creating their own music. The guests featured on the show share advice on how to craft better songs. Simply listening to a creative detail or how songwriters work through problems can be helpful to anyone suffering with writer’s block.

Host Ross Golan asks all the right questions and leaves plenty of space for his guests to talk. The result is conversations that are informative and engaging. Episode 90 with TRAKGIRL is inspiring to anyone who has dreamed of a career in secret. She discusses how she would secretly make tracks in college and how she finally found her footing in the music industry.

These conversations are truly a delight to listen to, regardless of whether or not you are a connoisseur of music or not. It is in-

The Collegian: 7

courtesy Big Deal Music Group This podcast was first released in 2017.

spiring to listen to the stories of people who have been able to make a name and living for themselves in a tough industry like the music business.

This podcast is well worth the listen. It is different from other shows that are about music or the music industry. The podcast provides a valuable platform to amplify the work of the writers and producers, who are talented and deserve recognition.

This podcast is available on all streaming platforms.

2022 Oscar wins overshadowed by drama

The Oscars took place on March 27.

courtesy Pixabay

The 94th Academy Awards featured movies, actors and commotion unlike any other year.

Maddie Walters Social Media & Web Manager This year’s Academy Awards are likely to go down in history for multiple reasons, though it’s unfortunate that most of the accomplishments will be overshadowed by the drama that took place during the ceremony.

Regardless, the 94th Academy Awards were full of firsts: the first deaf man won an award for acting, the first openly queer woman of color won an Oscar, and of course, the first time someone got slapped while they were presenting an award.

The 94th Academy Awards took the internet by storm this year. If you have any social media presence whatsoever, then it is a certainty you’ve seen the conflict between Will Smith and Chris Rock, and all the memes that have come about because of it. During his award presentation, comedian Chris Rock made a joke about Jada Pinkett Smith, saying that “[she] can’t wait for “GI Jane 2” to come out.” Pinkett Smith, much like GI Jane, was sporting a shaved head at the ceremony. The controversy of the jokes comes from the fact that she has alopecia.

Will Smith, at first, laughed at the joke until he saw that his wife was upset, and the rest is Oscars history as Smith walked straight on stage and slapped Rock. As he took his seat, Smith yelled, “Keep my wife’s name out of your fucking mouth.” Not an hour later, he won Best Actor for his role in “King Richard.”

Will Smith was reportedly asked to leave the ceremony, but refused. Smith later voluntarily resigned from the Academy.

With the “defining” moment of this year’s awards out of the way, let’s take a look at some of the other historical moments that took place. Troy Kotsur made history this past weekend as he was the first deaf actor to win an Oscar. Kotsur was a supporting actor in “CODA,” which also won the Oscar for Best Picture. During his emotional speech, Kotsur signed, “This is dedicated to the deaf community, the “CODA” community and the disabled community. This is our moment.” He tearfully breaks down, saying that this award saved his and his family’s lives as they’ve struggled so many years financially.

Another first came when Ariana DeBose won the Oscar for best supporting actress.

She was the first openly queer woman of

color to win an Oscar, taking home the award for her role in “West Side Story.” She is the second Latina to win this award; the first was won by Rita Morena who played the same character in the original version of the film. During her speech, DeBose paid tribute to Morena as she said, “You’re staring at me right now, and I’m so grateful.

Your Anita paved the way for tons of Anitas like me. I love you so much.” She also eloquently talked about questioning one’s identity, saying that “there is indeed a place for us.”

Perhaps one of the most shocking award winners of the ceremony is “Dune,” which took home a total of six Oscars out of the ten they received nominations for — the most won by a single picture this year. Winning awards for its score, cinematography

Ariana DeBose was the first openly queer woman to win an Oscar.

aloud and the others listening. I am always talking to my friends about the books I’m reading and getting their suggestions. Reading can shut out the world, but it can also be communal.

Is there a movie/show that you always return to?

Any movie with Bette Davis is phenomenal. “Now, Voyager” from 1941 is a classic. Other movies I love: “The Shawshank Redemption” and “Annie Hall.”

See Me After Class is a weekly column where a different professor reveals their variety favorites.

Julianne Tran Variety Editor Dr. Nicole Bauer is an assistant professor of history who received her B.A. from Berkeley, M.A. from Yale and Ph.D from UNC Chapel Hill. She is a cultural historian who specializes in early modern France and her primary focus is on the French Revolution which she offers a seminar on. You can often find her in her office sipping a cup of tea.

What’s your favorite book? What book would you say all undergrads need to read before they graduate?

I think most people go through periods or phases in their lives like artists do. Picasso had his blue period, his classical period, etc.

For every phase in my life, there has been a kind of theme and the book or books to go with it. These days my favorite books are “Grist for the Mill” by Ram Dass and

“Zen Mind, Beginner’s Mind” by Shunryu Suzuki. There isn’t much to say about these books except that if you approach them with the right state of mind, they will blow your mind wide open. For undergrads, I would suggest either of those two books if they want to be blown away, and also “Lovingkindness” by Sharon Salzberg which sounds like a sappy book, but is actually trenchant and so wise. It teaches us to have compassion and self-compassion which, in my opinion, we could all use a little more of these days.

What’s reading like for you? Is there a specific setting, mood, drink set-up?

Reading happens anywhere, anytime.

When I’m waiting in line in the grocery store, I don’t pull out my phone. I read a book I keep in my purse, or I read one of the magazines in the aisle. People think you have to have the setting just right and that you are always in isolation, and they forget that reading can happen on the New York subway, in a war zone, at your cousin’s wedding or in the car while you’re waiting for the friend you’re picking up who is never on time. Centuries ago, people often read together in groups with one person reading

and visual effects, “Dune” racked up all the technical awards, which makes it one of the most successful sci-fi films to date. That being said, “CODA” won every category it was nominated in, collecting three Oscars.

This year also saw the return of Oscar hosts after the Kevin Hart controversy in 2019. The trio of hosts included Regina Hall, Amy Schumer and Wanda Sykes. The last time the Oscars had multiple hosts was in 2011 when it was hosted by James Franco and Anne Hathaway.

Though the 94th Academy Awards will go down as perhaps the most memorable Oscars in history, it will be because of drama, rather than the history made that night, which is unfortunate after the groundbreaking wins by Ariana DeBose and Troy Kotsur.

courtesy Trusted Reviews

If you had to pick three songs for a Playlist of Your Life, what would they be?

Wow, three songs for my playlist. This is a tough one! “You gotta be” by Des’ree is a great one. I love anything by The Cure, and so maybe “Just Like Heaven.” And “The Book of My Life” by Sting is exquisite.

What was the last book/movie/show that you actually found funny?

I keep thinking of “The Big Lebowski” recently. That movie is hilarious. I sometimes fall out of my seat laughing when I watch it, and the message of the film, if there is any, is to just sit back and chill out.

What’s your favorite Tulsa restaurant?

Do you have any food/restaurant routines?

courtesy utulsa.edu Bauer studied English & French literature at Berkeley.

One of my favorite Tulsa restaurants is Jinya. Their ramen is fantastic.

Is there a media/pop culture/entertainment/music side to you that students wouldn’t expect?

A pop culture side to me that not all students may know about is that I am a big fan of Chinese and Korean dramas, or C-dramas and K-dramas for short. Many are available on Netflix now, and they are great. They go on for many, many episodes, and they have a beginning and an end like a telenovela.

You don’t have to shop around too often for a new show since they go on for so long, but they also have satisfying endings.

courtesy Bantam New Age Books Bauer recommends Dass’ “Grist for the Mill.”

The Collegian: 8

Variety

4 April 2022

“Turning Red” relatable coming-of-age story In Pixar’s “Turning Red,” Mei Lee navigates middle school while solving a family curse.

Margaret Laparie Student Writer

I have no idea whether I was just incredibly exhausted or if Pixar’s latest release, “Turning Red,” was really that funny, but I spent all ninety minutes of it laughing hysterically on my couch. The movie follows a group of middle school girls as they navigate the challenges of growing up and experiencing puberty, focusing specifically on Mei Lee and her tendency to transform into a giant red panda whenever she experiences powerful emotions. I think part of what made the movie so enjoyable for me was how accurate it was. The portrayal of awkward, quirky middle school girls was painfully spot on and made me think of poor baby middle school Margaret and everything she faced, no matter how trivial it turned out to be. Watching the experience of being a middle school girl unfold on a platform such as this one was strangely reaffirming.

One of the most popular comments I have seen for this movie from other women has been celebratory remarks about how great it was to finally see normal parts of being a teenage girl depicted normally, like getting your period, struggling to explain your emotions and dealing with gaining or trying to gain more freedom from your parents. Even though these were all elements of the story, they didn’t comprise the whole plot; they didn’t work too hard to make a point or provide commentary. They were just a part of the main character. And as she was a middle school girl, this was rightfully so.

The real focus of the movie, at least on the surface, was Mei Lee’s transformation into a red panda, and her journey to try and reverse this family curse that has been passed down

to her. This plotline was wholly unpredictable, another element that probably contributed to all my laughter. At no point did I have any idea what was going to happen next. Myself and the friend who watched the movie were fully engrossed, dying to know how on earth Mei Lee was going to solve her panda crisis, if she and her friends were going to get to attend their favorite band’s concert and if Mei Lee and her mother would reach a common ground. At a certain point I started working on homework while we watched, and didn’t understand certain elements of how the movie was wrapping up. I turned to my friend and asked him why everyone was suddenly singing, to which he replied, “Weren’t you paying attention earlier?! That’s how they get the magic to work!”

Of course, silly me. Even if you can’t relate to the experience of being a middle school girl, “Turning Red” will have you hooked.

At first glance it sounds like it holds all the elements of a regular coming-of-age story, but something about this movie just made it so much more charming and unique.

I think it all goes back to normalizing the experience of being a middle school girl. All of the emotions and many of the conflicts Mei Lee experienced because of her panda curse were so similar to those felt while growing up. I thought to myself, hey this is just puberty, except she’s a giant red panda!

Something about the absurdity of this scenario really helped the regular old experience of being a girl at this age seem normal, accepted and possible to survive. If Mei Lee can make it through middle school and solve the issue of turning into a red panda every so often, then anyone can survive middle school.

I really appreciated this movie because of these elements. I genuinely cannot think of another film I’ve seen with this sort of story told in this way, and it made me so happy to see. Happy because I was literally laughing out loud, and also happy because I have always been so comforted by relatable me-

courtesy Pixar

“Turning Red” was released on Disney+ February 21.

dia and knowing that I’m not alone in my experiences. I hope that “Turning Red” can provide that same sort of comfort for young girls everywhere.

You can watch “Turning Red” in theaters or on Disney+.

The Driver Era performed at the Reynolds Center for this year’s Springfest.

photos by Callie Hummel

Writers meetings held every Monday at 5:00 p.m. in Oliphant 110

The State-Run Media

4 April 2022

the

State-Run media You want to see something sick and twisted?

TU Hurricane Spotlight: the vaguely threatening chalk messages around campus At this point in the semester, things usually seem eerily quiet as the storm of finals draws nearer.

Recently, however, the presence of ominous chalk messages reveals the awakening of something dark.

Anna Johns Also a dealer of prophetic dreams and sugary feminine smells Using chalk to advertise for club meetings has long been the norm for TU groups. A walk from Dietler Commons to the Student Union will likely garner at least three sighted advertisements: a specific STEM subject club’s meeting information, a church group offering a talk and a warning with your full name that predicts your time of death. These groups may differ in topic, but one thing’s the same — they all promise free pizza!

“We’ve been aware of the whole unspoken rule that, like, anyone can chalk anything at any time, and no one will stop you.

No one has ever really acted on it, though,” says senior Trisha Lambert.

“Well, that’s except for when people were chalking anti-True Commitment vitriol, and Campo logged their information,” Lambert continues. “But now making a True Commitment reference to underclassmen who didn’t experience it is kind of like when someone brings up the Korean War at dinner and Grandpa goes silent and stares off into the distance with an unreadable expression on his face.”

The comparison’s a bit much, Lambert, but thrillingly acute.

This last month, the nature of some chalk drawings noticeably changed. Sure, we still saw the club promotions and the sometimesnihilistic messages coming from the religious groups (“DOES GOD EXIST?” was a particularly excellent existential contender).

Then, the threatening messages began.

Junior Computer Science major Josh Stanley bravely recounted his experience to the Collegian of when he was first targeted by the chalk. After just waking up and crawling out of bed, he, bleary-eyed, made

graphic by Anna Johns

Not quite what it’s chalked up to be, huh? LOL!

his way to his 3 p.m. class and stopped in his tracks when he saw the message awaiting him near his building. The note read: “WATCH OUT, JOSH STANLEY: I’M GETTING HEAVIER, DENSER. ALSO, INVULNERABLE.” “I wasn’t really scared because I’ve seen things like this before,” claims Josh Stanley.

“Usually, in games, that’s the dev team’s use of the environment to aid story progression.

Also, the note didn’t really mention anything too bad? It was ambiguously alarming at best.”

Another chalk targeted Psychology major Ashley Burnsdale. After listing her full Christian name, it warned, “’FANTASTIC BEASTS: THE SECRETS OF DUMBLEDORE’ IS IN THEATERS, AND PEOPLE WILL CELEBRATE IT AND J.K. ROWLING FOR GROUNDBREAKING LGBTQ REPRESENTATION.” After seeing that message in front of Lottie Jane, Burnsdale broke out into hives. All would shudder to pass it.

Slowly but surely, the sinister edge to the tone increased. The chalk, however, stopped calling out specific people and instead focused on a broadly evil approach.

One example includes the simple “42 DAYS” that would be crossed out and updated daily. The infamous long ass chalk message in front of the steps to McFarlin had read, “HI, HONEY. THIS IS YOUR MOM, HOPING YOU’LL WAKE UP SOON. YOU’VE BEEN IN A COMA FOR THREE YEARS, SWEETIE, AND THIS IS THE ONLY WAY YOUR SUBCONSCIOUS WILL ALLOW YOU TO HEAR ME.” And as a true display to thinking outside the medium, the forces behind the chalk duct-taped to the ground a poster of the Triangle Shirtwaist Factory fire, the building shrouded by smoke, dark and depressing—as well as a chilling reminder of the evils caused by the Industrial Revolution.

For weeks, students begged TU to make some sort of statement about this malevolent presence on campus. As usual, it took four

en masse email campaigns for TU to notice an issue with the student body. Campus Security then released a statement about the chalking, claiming that they could not find a culprit to the ominous chalk notes. Perhaps, they claimed, it could be everyone jumping in on a trend, but that wouldn’t be possible because all the chalking has an unnatural, bitterly welcoming glow. Also, Campus Security can’t really stop anyone from chalking because that might put the university in some hot constitutional rights waters.

Today, the notes continue but with decreased quantity. Because we have complained, our personalized messages from unseen, omnipresent forces of mystical evil have dwindled. Sure, they were menacing in an unclear kind of way, but it was nice to receive some attention.

Five tips to deal psychic damage to your local congressman

With finals season approaching, it’s best to know what petty actions you can take.

Anna Johns Unfamiliar with the democratic system but persistent in writing to senators about making Scooby Doo more voluptuous American elected officials are ideally supposed to listen to their constituents’ voices and reflect their public’s political desires. In any rudimentary government class, a citizen is taught to directly contact their representatives and congresspeople to share their positions on legislation; it is one’s First Amendment rights, of course, and the best way to bolster democracy is to exercise those rights by sending letters, emails and phone calls.

Of course, once a person has actually contacted their senators or representatives, the response — if there is one — is often dull and impersonal, usually stating something vague about their own beliefs and how dedicated they are to their constituents.

Once reality sets in, people tend to realize their voice does not actually matter that much to an old man incumbent, and they’re left demoralized in a fracturing political sys-

tem. Ultimately, the best way to make sure an elected official hears the public’s gripes is through the reliable methodology of psychic damage.

Here are our top five tips and tricks to getting your voice loud and clear.

1. Phone calls — but menacingly boring.

Usually, if you call the office of a politician, you may receive a lowly secretary or an automatic voice message. Don’t leave the typical message where you list out your

will dance and sing in an irresistible music number as they clap brainlessly about. Allow yourself to maniacally giggle. This world is your oyster now, but please don’t be heteronormative about it.

3. A copy of a photo of their son Jedidiah on his favorite sled.

“I love this photo of Jed,” you will write with red sharpie. You weren’t supposed to know about Jedidiah — no one was. He was locked away to the attic years ago after he became interested in video game streaming.

“There’s nothing congresspeople hate more than a devilishly flamboyant antaognist.” bullshit stance on some stupid bill coming up, but instead just rave about your sister’s upcoming wedding and the horribly crafted dinner menu. Plums? Beets? Tell that senator how you feel about the disjunction of these two foods.

2. Become a gay-coded villain.

There’s nothing congresspeople hate more than a devilishly flamboyant antagonist. Creep around their office and say ominous things, comment on the bad omen of the incoming storm clouds or make a vague prophetic statement on the darkness to come with an evil jingling laugh. Rouse two jovial simpletons to become your lackeys; you

4. Mail a box of tampons (NOTE: only works with male and/or conservative female representatives).

Remind them of their worst nightmare: the human vagina.

5. Fuck their wife.

You’ve seen her photographed next to him. The flashes of cameras capture her uncomfortable countenance, mouth taut and eyes lowered. Her hand tentatively dangles near his — an open invitation, a hopeful one — but it is ignored in favor of him perfecting his winning smile for his audience.

Frankly, showing this poor, haggard woman a night of passionate, all-consuming love-

making would be the most selfless act on this list.

It can start simple. Throw her a compliment about the jewels lazily draped upon her delicate neck, and mention the way it brings out the sparkle of her eyes (it is a diminished sheen, you remember, but when you tell her this, you will see something flicker in her, something that awakens). Ask her about her hobbies. Nod and listen.

She can’t remember the last time anyone paid so much interest in her, she jokes, but you know the vulnerability underneath her tone.

You invite her over. She compliments your tasteful décor of medieval weaponry and says something lighthearted about how she could tell you would enjoy the scimitar, but there is an underlying nervousness.

She hasn’t had someone make her dinner in a long time — are those dinosaur chicken nuggets? (They’re the vegetarian kind, but you’ll let it slide.)

After dinner, she hands you her dish, and your fingers brush against hers, playful and explorative. She gasps from the touch. Let her have the support she never got from him.

Tomorrow, her peaceful sleeping form will lie next to you, but it will be time to move on; after all, this country is full of ignored wives of congressmen, and you’re just one person.