28 January 2019

The Collegian: 2

News

28 January 2019

Cold doesn’t stop 2019 LA teachers’ strike Tulsa Women’s March ends after eight days Several organizations and guest speakers came together for the rally in downtown Tulsa.

Avery Childress Student Writer The 2019 Tulsa Women’s March was held at Guthrie Green and the Living Arts of Tulsa on Saturday, Jan. 19. Originally, the march was meant to be a longer outdoor demonstration, but the outdoor portion of the march was cut short by the cold. The bulk of the rally was held inside of the Living Arts of Tulsa, where vendors, speakers and activists came together to celebrate and uplift women. Speakers included Ashley Nicole McCray, former Democratic candidate for Oklahoma Corporation Commissioner, and Dr. Tiffany Crutcher, the twin sister of the late Terence Crutcher. Some of the organizations present were Domestic Violence Intervention Services, Stop Harm on Tulsa Streets, Aware Tulsa, AFT Local 6049, Green Country Democratic Socialists of America and Holy Mother Collective.

In a statement released by the Tulsa Women’s March organizers, the goals of the march were outlined as being far-reaching and all-encompassing.

“It is more than just coming together for the sake of being seen. It is more than just a banner, a sign, or a t-shirt. It is more than one person or one gender, ethnicity, or religion. It is more than us. When I think about what women have faced: Domestic violence, low wages, use of our own bodies, economics, single mothering, social security, healthcare, equal rights, equal opportunities, education, environmental rights, and many other causes, I’m reminded of the fight we have watched our mothers, grandmothers, sisters, aunts, cousins, friends and strangers endure. We are strong, we are resilient, we are fierce. Who else can give

birth to a man and go back to work within 2 weeks? Our duties never take a break. So, let’s take a stand and fight for what we feel is most important in our lives. Many women marched while facing opposition, criticism, and unfavorable weather to fight for equal rights in the past. Many marched with no shoes, indecent clothing, and no money.

They walked for miles just to be heard. We hope to hear your voice today. Join us as we get involved and ignite unity. United we stand. Divided we fall.”

As the statement suggests, marchers had a variety of reasons for attending the event. Many had prepared unique signs for the demonstration, ranging from general feminist statements to more specific issueoriented slogans. The 2019 Tulsa Women’s March employed a strategy where ambassadors for certain issues pledge to bring at least 10 people to the march united under a particular cause, holding a sign related to the issue. One such example was the MMIW (Missing and Murdered Indigenous Women) group, who wore red and encouraged others to wear red to bring attention to the ongoing epidemic of violence against Indigenous women.

The activists at the 2019 Tulsa Women’s March were marching in tandem with demonstrators across the country. After the march, the Tulsa Women’s March organizers took to Facebook for a final piece of commentary: “Please don’t let another day go by to throw yourself into the fray. Your voice, your listening ears, your time, your dollars and your radical compassion are needed and there’s no shortage of ways for you to get involved! Our speakers today made that perfectly clear.

The future is created by what we do today!”

photo by Jade H. Nguyen The sign reads, “Imagine if more people could realize kindness is true strength and true power.”

The LA teachers got almost all of their demands, with more strikes on the horizon across the nation.

Andrew Noland Student Writer

Over the last week, thousands of teachers and support staff across Los Angeles protested after contract negotiations between their union and the LA Unified School District’s representatives failed to come to terms.

Building for months, the tension finally erupted over a dispute in salary increases, need for support staff, class sizes and teacher rating systems. Per the Los Angeles Times, teachers wanted a 6.5 percent increase in salary over three years, smaller class sizes and more librarians, custodians and counselors. The school district voiced concerns about raising salaries over 6.5 percent, teacher tenure and long-term budget fixes. LA Unified claimed that the proposed changes the teachers wanted would cost $750 million while their proposals would only cost $450 million.

Without any agreement, the strike went into effect on Jan. 14, with nearly 30,000 teachers and support staff picketing through the streets of LA and outside LA’s Department of Education. California, like Oklahoma, funds districts based on students’ daily attendance, so many parents withheld their students from attending schools in an effort to support the teachers and add further pressure on the district.

On January 22nd, after a single school week, the district lost $125 million and, after a marathon 21-hour negotiating session mediated by the city council, the teachers won nearly all of their demands. This included a six percent raise and further funding for support staff as well as a gradual decrease in class sizes over three years.

The teachers’ union cited their success based on past teacher strikes in last year’s

“Red State Revolt,” the title given to the education protests in conservative states across America. Oklahoma, the second state to go on strike last year, encountered similar issues. Jill Andrews, an AP English teacher from Claremore High School, claims that the issues in Oklahoma stemmed from “10 years ago” when the state began stripping teachers of “smaller classes and money for extra books.”

Slowly, as the state legislature took away essential resources from teachers and unions, the breaking point finally hit when State Question 779, an amendment that proposed a sales tax of one percent to increase education funding by $615 million, failed to pass a state referendum.

Teachers across Oklahoma sprung into protest with Andrews, claiming, “It was really just a perfect storm.”

Andrews remembers being “exhausted” and undergoing “one of the hardest things I’ve done — both physically and emotionally.”

However, Andrews points out that, although they were successful in getting a raise, the Oklahoma legislature continues to issue “retaliatory bills” and “legislators refuse to look at capital gains.”

Oklahoma possesses political roadblocks that limited success compared to California: the number of students wanting to be teachers has significantly dropped, ALEC (American Legislative Exchange Council) still retains massive influence and unions have been gutted severely by legislation. However, Andrews remains optimistic for the future with “so many teachers and women” elected in 2018 across Oklahoma.

Oakland and Denver’s teachers’ unions, feeding off the momentum from LA’s success, will also go on strike later this week and in early February if talks do not progress with their respective school districts.

courtesy Flickr / Charles Edward Miller The LA strike took cues from protests across the midwest in 2018, such as the pictured Milwaukee strike.

Gallup reveals food deserts Broken Arrow mayor writes letter supporting border wall Local reporting confirmed and expanded the findings on food inequality in Tulsa.

Anna Robinson Student Writer Over the course of 2017, Gallup Surveys partnered with Tulsa to find out how Tulsans feel about their economic opportunities and quality of life. Last week, Fox23 News provided an overview of the survey’s findings from the finalized report for 2018. While nearly 50 percent of respondents believed that Tulsa is improving as a city overall, the Gallup study revealed that there are locations in Tulsa that have less access to fresh food than others. These are referred to as food deserts.

This term does not necessarily mean that citizens in these locations cannot afford to buy enough groceries. Rather, it means that these citizens do not have access to stores or markets to buy food at all. The USDA is responsible for identifying such areas. In Tulsa, the largest food deserts are in north Tulsa, downtown and neighborhoods southwest of downtown. Often, these areas contain a low-income population.

In addition to the issue of food deserts raised by the Gallup survey, The Community Food Bank of Eastern Oklahoma states that one in six adults and one in four children face food insecurity. Efforts to improve food accessibility have emerged over the past few years. For example, The Tulsa World spoke to Katie Plohocky and Scott Smith of R&G Family Grocers who transformed a former horse trailer into a mobile grocery truck that

brings food to these deserts. The food comes from grocery store leftovers and volunteers who harvest food from farms.

Perhaps the speed in which cities are growing leads to these food deserts, as planners cannot keep up with developments. If transportation to grocery stores or markets is not already too expensive for those who live in food desert areas, high costs of fresh food from farmers’ markets or stores like Whole Foods prevent low-income members of a community from access to fresh or healthy products.

Healthy foods are often too expensive for low-income people. At fast food restaurants, salads are priced higher than hamburgers and fries. So not only do low-income citizens not have convenient access to grocery stores, they also lack sufficient access to healthy foods.

TU students have shown interest in easing the troubles of those living in food deserts. Students from multiple organizations on campus frequent the Community Food Bank of Eastern Oklahoma and have even created benevolent organizations of their own.

Students Austin Boyington, Darcy Elmore, Nick Langston and Dhruv Varshney were inspired by their Global Scholars class projects on food accessibility to form Students Against Food Inequality. Last semester, Carter Bradford formed Pay It Forward TU, which aims to bring meals and clothing to homeless or low-income Tulsans. With these efforts, TU students reflect the fact that Tulsa as a whole is an incredibly generous city with countless non-profit organizations aiming to help a variety of causes.

Mayor Craig Thurmond addressed President Trump at the beginning of the month with an argument in favor of the proposed border wall.

Emily Every Commentary Editor Broken Arrow Mayor Craig Thurmond has written a letter to President Trump in favor of the border wall, likening the increased border security to fences around residential homes or a gated community: “Some citizens choose to live in gated communities for security reasons. I believe it is time to deviate from partisan politics and commit to doing what is best for the American taxpayers,” Thurmond writes at the letter’s conclusion.

Thurmond first publicly addressed this letter to President Trump on Jan. 9, 18 days into the longest government shutdown in the nation’s history. Jan. 9 also saw Thurmond participate in a White House conference call on the topic of border security. This was one of five large-scale conference calls of four hundred or more local government officials across the nation that Thurmond has been a part of during the last 10 months.

Discussing his decision to support the border wall, Thurmond commented that although he has “worked with a lot of immigrant workers and [knows] their importance,” he prioritizes the “public safety” of the residents of Broken Arrow as its mayor.

Mayor Thurman is not the only politician in Oklahoma to come out in support of President Trump’s border security and immigration policy. Gov. Kevin Stitt, dur-

ing a Muskogee County Republican forum in July of last year, stated he fully supports President Trump’s immigration policy. Stitt commented that “strong borders” are necessary for Oklahoma and that “[we] have to be a state of laws. […] We will not have sanctuary cities. We’ll have to tell our law enforcement that they’re going to have to enforce the laws.”

Echoing the sentiments of Mayor Thurman and Gov. Sttit, Rep. Markwayne Mullin took to Twitter following President Trump’s Jan. 9 speech to comment that “[every] American inside our borders is worth protecting and [that he] will stand with the president in his continued efforts to build the wall and secure our borders.” Rep. Mullin has also started using the hashtag #borderbeard to chronicle the growth of his political protest beard, tweeting “[he’s] sticking with [his] #borderbeard until we #SecureOurBorder.”

In a response to this same Jan. 9 speech by the president, Sen. Jim Inhofe tweeted that “the Democrat obstruction to his border wall is about putting politics over policies that will protect American families from drugs, human trafficking and crime.”

Tulsa Mayor G.T. Bynum, contrasting with many other state politicians, has been notably open to accepting immigrants into the city of Tulsa and even launched “The New Tulsans Welcoming Plan” in November of last year to improve the services available to immigrants arriving in the city.

In a 2017 press statement, Bynum wrote that “I want our immigrant community in Tulsa to feel safe, feel welcome and feel this is a place of opportunity for future generations of their families.”

News

28 January 2019

The Collegian: 3

student back to a safe distance. After speaking with Officers, the student calmed down.

Jan. 18 6:05 p.m.

University of Tulsa Campus Security Officers were dispatched to Norman Village to investigate loud noise and the odor of marijuana. Upon arrival, officers smelled a strong odor of marijuana coming from an apartment. After making contact with the residents Officers could see alcohol and marijuana in the open and all the occupants were under age.

Officers conducted a search of the apartment and confiscated the contraband.

Jan. 19 11:10 p.m.

University of Tulsa Campus Security Officers were dispatched to investigate a possible disturbance at Lorton Village Apartments. Upon arrival Officers found an intoxicated underage University Of Tulsa student screaming, stumbling and being held up by a friend. The student was escorted back to their residence by friends and was advised to stay inside for the remainder of the night.

2:20 a.m.

While on routine patrol University of Tulsa campus Security Officers conducted a traffic stop on a vehicle driving recklessly through campus. The vehicle failed to stop at all stop signs heading East on 8th towards Harvard and on its return failed to stop at stop signs heading West on 8th towards Delaware.

11:45 p.m.

University of Tulsa Campus Security Officers were dispatched to investigate a possible irate student at the Pi Kappa Alpha Fraternity. Upon arrival Officers spoke with the student who stated that an Officer grabbed them. The Officer stated that the student bumped them and they pushed the

Jan. 20 12:10 a.m.

While on routine patrol University of Tulsa Campus security Officers witnessed three unknown individuals walking down 8th st. One of the individuals was stumbling. The individual appeared to be under the age of 21. The officer stopped and spoke to the individual. They were found to be a student and of age. The officer offered a ride to the individual and they declined.

Jan. 21 8:50 a.m.

University of Tulsa Campus Security Officers were dispatched investigate a possible belligerent and irate individual in an office at Keplinger Hall. Upon arrival, officers made contact with an individual who was standing outside the office. The individual advised they were a TU affiliate and they attempted to put up flyers for an event. After investigation, Officers advised the individual they had permission to post flyers.

3:00 p.m.

University of Tulsa Campus Security Officers were dispatched to H.A. Chapman Stadium to investigate a suspicious person. A non-University of Tulsa affiliate was tampering with a fiber-optic cable box. Tulsa Police Department made contact with the suspicious person on 11th street, and were able properly identify the individual.

Jan. 23 10:00 a.m.

University of Tulsa Campus Security Officers were dispatched to investigate a possible stolen motor vehicle from the 8th and Harvard Shuttle parking lot. Upon arrival Officers met with a TU affiliate who reported their personal vehicle had been stolen from the 8th and Harvard Parking Lot the day before. The victim stated that they had already filed a Tulsa Police department Report.

11:45 a.m.

University of Tulsa Campus Security Officers were dispatched to investigate a report of an unidentified individual who posed as an employee and committed fraud against the University. This investigation is on-going.

Chris Lierly and Lindsey Prather Student Writers

Maduro crisis in Venezuela Earlier this month, Venezuelan president Nicolás Maduro began his second term following an election plagued with claims of vote-rigging and the exclusion of his opposition’s biggest candidate. That candidate, Juan Guaidó of the Popular Will party, declared himself “acting president” this week, a move that necessitated responses from multiple leaders. Guaidó has received support from twelve Latin American countries, as well as Canada, Great Britain and the United States. However, Mexico, Turkey, China and Russia have all backed Maduro’s regime. It has been reported more recently that Russian contractors have begun to provide for Maduro’s security.

Along with external pressure by both regional and great powers, the crisis in Venezuela is ramping up internally as well. The military has decidedly backed Maduro, but Guaidó made a plea for them to “put themselves on the side of the Venezuelan people.”

All of this comes in light of both massive protests that have numbered up to a 100,000 and Pope Francis’s trip through Central America. A U.N. Security Council meeting to address the crisis was held on Saturday, Jan. 26.

China detains an Australian national The Australian government is investigating the arrest of Australian-Chinese writer and academic Yang Hengjun in China. This comes amid heightened tensions over several other incidents involving the internment of westerners in China. According to the Australian Foreign Ministry, attempts to make contact with Yang have been made and updates on his condition have been scarce.

This event follows months of tension between the two countries over Australia’s decision to bar Huawei Technologies, a Chinese tech giant, from future 5G communication networks as well as to challenge Chinese influence in the South Pacific.

There is currently no indication as to whether Yang’s case was linked to this broader issue. Yang has been detained on prior trips to China. A notable example took place in 2011, during which Yang disappeared for several days, only to be released unharmed with no charges or explanation. The Australian government is attempting to establish contact with Chinese officials to organize Yang’s safe release.

U.N. expert to lead inquiry into Khashoggi murder On Jan. 28, the U.N.’s investigation into the death of Jamal Khashoggi will officially be under way as Agnes Callamard, an expert on extrajudicial killings, will travel to Turkey for a week. The investigation comes after Turkish and American intelligence sources accused Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed Bin Salman (MbS) of direct involvement with the Washington Post reporter’s mysterious death in the Saudi embassy in October of 2018. Additionally, Turkish officials have endorsed the international investigation and claimed that Riyadh has not been cooperative thus far.

The Arabic kingdom has already indicted 11 people for connections to Khashoggi’s killing, and Saudi authorities are seeking the death penalty against five of them.

However, the government has also denied the involvement of MbS in the death of Khashoggi, a Saudi national who used his stature as an international reporter to criticize the royal family.

2:45 p.m.

University of Tulsa Campus Security Officers were dispatched to investigate a possible employee under the influence in the Case Athletics Center. Upon arrival Officers made contact with the employee and determined that they were not under the influence.

6:35 p.m.

University of Tulsa Campus Security Officers were dispatched to investigate a possible noise compliant in West Park Apartments. The Reporting Party stated that a a dog had been barking in the apartment complex for several hours. Officers located the apartment with the dog and made contact with apartment resident. The resident stated that the dog belonged to a guest and would be removed shortly. A housing contact card was issued.

Jan. 24 11:30 a.m.

University of Tulsa Campus Security Officers were dispatched to University Square Apartments South for a report of a broken mailbox. Officers met with the student, who advised the lock on their mailbox had been broken. Officers advised the student to put a maintenance request for the mailbox to be fixed.

12:00 p.m.

University of Tulsa Campus Security Officers were dispatched to the Pi Kappa Alpha Fraternity in regard to an active fire alarm. Officers determined the source of the alarm was from a student cooking and there was no fire. Officers cancelled the Tulsa Fire Department when they arrived on scene. Officers reset the alarm without further incident.

4:55 p.m.

University of Tulsa Campus Security Officers were dispatched to investigate a possible unknown individual trespassing inside the Sigma Chi fraternity house. Officers were able to locate the individual outside the Lorton Performing Arts Center. The individual was not affiliated with the University of Tulsa, and previously banned from TU property.

Officers contacted Tulsa Police, who arrested the individual.

The individual was taken to the City of Tulsa municipal jail.

The Collegian does not produce or edit the Campus Crime Watch except for content and brevity.

Monday, January 28 at 4:30 p.m. to 5:30 p.m.

Helmerich Hall 315 Women’s Executive Panel Everyone is welcome as we hear from successful women across different industries.

Free snacks will be provided!

Guests include: Laura Colgan – Philbrook Board Member, Community Advocate, TU Graduate Heather Duncan – Fundraising Consultant & Community Volunteer Kellie Smyth – Sr. Director, Investor Relationships, Marketing and Communications Emily Wilson – REVVED Fitness Owner and Master Trainer Jennifer Bennett –TU Executive in Residence, ex-oil industry Management Thursday, January 31 at 3:00 p.m. to 5:00 p.m.

Allen Chapman Student Union, Great Hall B The Poverty Simulation A powerful interactive experience where participants will be assigned the roles and duties of a family living in poverty in the U.S. Participants will interact with 20 trained actors to carry out several normal day-to-day activities in a compressed timeline (every 15 minutes represents one day), to gain greater understanding and empathy for what it’s like to live below the poverty line in our country.

This event is for TU students, faculty, and staff ONLY. (If you get a SALES ENDED message, RSVP by emailing Charles-wood@utulsa. edu).

Friday, February 1, at 8:00 a.m. to 5:00 p.m.

Zarrow Center for Art & Education Nothing to See Here: New work by Aaron S. Coleman Aaron S. Coleman’s work is a response to the sociopolitical issues of discrimination, civil rights and the misuse of mainstream religion. More recently it has evolved into “a blanket description of the apocalyptic world in which we live.”

Police brutality, racial discrimination, religious extremism, persecution of the LGBT communities, economic unrest, global warming, habitat loss, holy wars, power trips and ego mania are the extremes he addresses in his work.

Friday, February 1 at 12:00 p.m. to 1:00 p.m.

Allen Chapman Student Union, Chouteau

Hijab Day Women all over the world wear hijab everyday! During lunch on February 1st, come learn how to wear a hijab and hear about other people’s experiences with wearing one.

The first 50 students will get a free hijab.

Friday, February 1 and Saturday, February 2 at 8:00 p.m. to 10:00 p.m. and Sunday, February 3 at 2:00 p.m. to 4:00 p.m.

Tyrrell Hall White Rabbit Red Rabbit The play you are about to see is sealed inside an envelope.

The actor about to perform has never seen it. In fact, there is a new actor every performance, and they’ve only been told what is absolutely necessary.

Do not Google this play.

Prepare to impersonate a ???.

Once you start, you must finish… NO MATTER WHAT. WHITE RABBIT RED RABBIT has been called a play. But it’s a lively, global sensation that no one is allowed to talk about. The words of award-winning Iranian playwright Nassim Soleimanpour have escaped censorship and are awaiting your audience. Slyly humorous and audaciously pointed, this “theater entertainment meets social experiment” is unlike anything and will make you question everything. Have fun!

We dare you not to Google this play for more information. Join the actors and leap.

The Collegian does not produce all event descriptions in the Community Calendar.

Contact us at news@tucollegian.org with events.

The Collegian: 4

Commentary

28 January 2019

The Legislative Digest is your weekly look at the happenings of Oklahoma’s state legislature and the bills and politics you need to know.

Raven Fawcett Managing Editor With 2817 bills introduced thus far this legislative session, we’re continuing to highlight important bills, good and bad. These bills will be (or have been) announced, and will then be shuffled into a committee. That committee will then make a recommendation for that bill, which the chamber can then use to inform their votes.

HB2214: Oklahoma made headlines this week for House Bill 2214, and in true Oklahoma fashion, it wasn’t for our progressive politics and compassionate justice. This bill would prohibit “school strike or shutdown by board of education or school employees.” Certifications issued to strikers by the Board of Education would be revoked, and strikers would not get their full wages they would have earned during the strike.

The bill was authored by Republican Representative Todd Russ of District 55. He has been in office since 2011, and should know better. He owes his job to the teachers who taught him growing up and the teachers who are his constituents. What life do you live to not understand that striking, that organized protest, is one of the only powers that the common worker has? It is not just disappointing to see such legislature coming from our state, but disgusting.

SB13: The “Abolition of Abortion Act” is another disappointing-but-not-surprising bill introduced in 2019. It would establish that a) the state’s conception of life would begin when sperm meets and egg, b) extend all rights and protections to the “life” in questions and c) disregard any federal and other legal measures that would deprive the child of life.

The bill won’t be passed, but that’s hardly the point. The point is that people in power, who can and will if given the opportunity, want to strip people of their autonomy over the potential for a child. This would mean no Plan B after a condom broke (what if the egg and sperm have touched?), no abortion even if the child will die soon after birth or kill the parent in the process and no choice in the matter for the person carrying that maybe-baby. And for what? Power over the people, mostly women, who carry children? Over something that might not exist? This is a bill to watch, if only to know who to not vote for in the next election when the Senators begin voting for and against it.

SB198: In better news, a bill we should all get behind: Senate Bill 198 would require all state agencies to develop social media policies for their employees. This standards would bar employees from posting and contributing to obscenity, harassment, disclosure of sensitive information and other common-sense internet transgressions.

This is, frankly, long overdue. Most on-campus organizations have standards of online conduct; the state government shouldn’t be held to lesser standards. All employees in the internet age, employed by the state or not, should be held to standards of conduct online that include no dick pics, no racism and other basic decencies.

Sanitized legacy of MLK not representative of King’s politics

The “I Have a Dream” narrative built for Dr. Martin Luther King doesn’t do justice to his complex political thought.

Andrew Noland Student Writer This past Monday, like it does every year, the nation celebrated the life and legacy of Martin Luther King Jr. A few highlights: St. Louisans watched a white male anchorman substitute a racial slur when stating King’s last name; we read in horror a letter written from the FBI and dropped on King’s doorstep demanding that he commit suicide or have his extramarital affairs exposed; and finally, perhaps most disturbing, Vice President Mike “Hoosiers-Don’t-Believe-in-Discrimination” Pence compared the legendary black civil rights leader to President Donald “Build-a-Wall-to-Keep-the-Brown-PeopleOut” Trump.

publicans love to tout as their model revolutionary? (Spoiler: the answer was yes).

King’s dream for an equal America, finally free of racial and social divides that limit the possibilities of millions of people based on the color of skin, has not come to pass in 2019. His failed promise “to reach the mountaintop,” as quoted in a 1968 speech, continues to haunt the American story, and while liberals still fight to expand representation in media and politics, many are still frustrated by the perversion of King’s words into a milder, white-friendly rhetoric.

The truth behind King is, like everyone else, more complicated than presented in your American history textbook. The man was a genius and adapted nonviolent political thought into a mass movement to upend the morally repugnant Jim Crow era in the American South. In addition, King possessed character flaws: he, to his own selfprofessed mental detriment, cheated on his wife and was notoriously quick to anger.

This is normally brushed aside in the conventional recasting of Martin Luther King Jr. He has been transformed, at least according to the Republican Party, into a leader that supposedly ended racism in America and brought everyone together.

The civil rights leader also espoused ideas less than suitable to the party that plunged the country into the two greatest economic recessions of the past two centuries and shut the government down for over a month over a border wall. He noted that he subscribed to socialism over capitalism, arguing that

“Our attempts to co-opt [MLK] into a ‘model citizen’ only empower racism.”

Although white Twitter came to the rescue to nobly remind us that America is still racist, I dreaded wading through the slog of white people posting King’s quotes. But I did, because, like every millennial, I have a social media addiction. However, I was also genuinely curious. Will King once again be portrayed as the civil rights leader that Re-

America needed a better economic system to distribute wealth. This was backed by his Poor People’s March, attempting to inspire another march on Washington to guarantee “an economic bill of rights.” He opposed the Vietnam War as a neocolonial, capitalistic venture into another land of non-white people.

However, most significant, a week be-

courtesy Wikimedia Commons Malcolm X and MLK at Capitol Hill during the Senate debate on the Civil Rights Act of 1964.

fore his death, he recalled his own “I Have a Dream” speech as too naive. Claiming that white America would never fully accept blacks into the American Dream, he felt that he needed to step up his efforts. What that meant, America will never know; his assassination robbed us of this.

Martin Luther King Jr. has been pacified into a mockery of his ideas. Instead, we have adapted him into a bludgeoning tool against people of color and women who demand equality through nonviolent protest. Republicans, like Tomi Lahren in the past week, have distorted the man to create a fictionalized image of King as a leader that protested “the right way.”

King’s methods, while nonviolent, were intentionally disruptive. He knew that by upsetting Southern life, he could draw attention and force confrontation. The notion of

protesting as anything other than disruptive is not only neoliberal paternalism, but also counterintuitive to what protest attempts to do. It seeks to affect the status quo through refusing to adhere to normative behavior.

The figure of Martin Luther King Jr. has been disgustingly transformed into a caricature of his true ideas. Understanding his fundamental values, his flaws and his dreams for this nation help us understand the type of equality he sought. He thought capitalism only hindered black growth out of the depths of American poverty and thought that only through nonviolent resistance could true change be realized. Our attempts to co-opt him into a “model citizen” only empower racism. If we choose to believe in King, we should believe in all of him, not just the parts chosen by the people he sought to lift out of their hatred and ignorance.

Instagram egg provides community in corporate-dominated setting

Compared to other Instagram influencers, the egg seems uniquely community-based.

Nathan Hinkle Student Writer There is a new rising star on social media. This recent influencer is an Instagram page titled World Record Egg. Its main goal was to become the most liked photo in the history of Instagram. On the original image, the caption says, “Let’s set a world record together and get the most liked post on Instagram. Beating the current world record held by Kylie Jenner (18 million)! We got

this.” This picture has gone on to receive over 51 million likes since its creation on Jan. 4, shattering the record and creating an internet sensation.

Some may argue that the egg is merely a dumb internet meme that was popularized by people who laughed at its absurdity. It will disappear quickly, as pointless memes do, and not be remembered past its brief time in the sun. While this may be true, I think it is better to look at this phenomenon as an example of the joys of being a part of something new and record breaking. The egg promotes the idea that average human beings in our modern era can achieve attention without the need of corporate and celebrity power.

for corporations wishing to sell products to her followers. Most posts are formatted to fit a specific theme and concept by their corporate designers and seek to sell you something.

The difference between the egg and Jenner is that the egg, as far as we know, has no corporate backing. It only asks for a quick like on the photo to achieve something greater. The account and initial post act as a challenge to the current perception of social media. Corporate and celebrity powers are not the only source of influence and popularity. Individuals still have the potential to beat large industries on social media.

The Instagram egg is also the continuation of world record attempts that are done

“The account and initial post act as a challenge to the current perception of social media.”

This can be seen through the egg’s original statement. The previous world record holder for most liked post was social media star and influencer Kylie Jenner. Jenner’s main role on Instagram is as an advertiser

only for the accomplishment. People get involved in such activities because it gives them a sense of community and pride; they helped achieve something noteworthy with others. It is the digital version of old

world-record attempts, such as the practice of phone booth stuffing. In these attempts, people tried to figure out how many people they could fit into a phone booth. The egg continues this trend of using the maximum amount of people to fit in one area, though it is digital. It gives everyone involved a small sense of community. The egg’s 50 million likes is a digital upgrade to similar past attempts.

The campaign for the Instagram egg also provides a sense of community across different countries. While people in the United States may view it in English, the comments underneath are a mix of languages from different countries. Through this small post, different nationalities all find something to get behind, even if it it as ridiculous and potentially meaningless as how many likes a picture of an egg has.

While the major purpose of the egg is a silly attempt to see how many likes it can receive, one can see it through a variety of different angles. Through little unimportant elements, we can understand how digital communities work in the modern era and how people look for a sense of community across the globe.

Commentary

28 January 2019

The Collegian: 5

Gillette interested in money, not social change

The company met with marketing teams before releasing the now infamous ad; there was no real risk in their change of branding.

Ethan Veenker News Editor On Jan. 13, 2019, the shaving and razor company Gillette released an ad titled “We Believe: The Best Men Can Be | Gillette (Short Film)” on their YouTube channel and social media pages. The ad, which clocks in at just under two minutes, is a thoughtfullyshot and generally well-produced video that tackles relevant areas of social discourse including toxic masculinity, sexual assault, sexual harassment and bullying.

At the time of writing, the ad holds over 26 million YouTube views with a like to dislike ratio of 722 thousand likes to 1.3 million dislikes. Views on other platforms also number into the tens of millions. The ad was met with equally polarizing responses on Twitter, Instagram and Facebook.

with a hotly debated social issue, for better or worse. For Gillette, likely for better.

Make no mistake, Gillette doesn’t care about you or your political views. Whether you think the commercial was a warmhearted show of solidarity in a turbulent time or an assault on masculinity itself, Gillette doesn’t care. They just don’t give a shit. Gillette is a corporation whose main purpose is to make money, and strategies for doing so can certainly include piggybacking important social issues to increase brand awareness. Corporations tend to enact this tactic after extensive market research, and which almost never fails. The only example of a failure I can think of is Pepsi’s 2017 ad featuring Kendall Jenner, which the company eventually pulled and for which they have since publicly apologized.

But Gillette hasn’t pulled their ad, and they show no signs of doing so. Company executives have reportedly stated their satisfaction with the ad and its outcome. Whether this is genuine or mere damage control is up for debate, but the internet mob’s inability to focus on a subject for longer than a week or two means that this whole ad debacle will be soon forgotten. The only thing remaining will be a mere subconscious suggestion to grab the shiny, blue Gillette packaging the next time you’re absentmindedly shopping.

But let’s ignore the empty gaze of the soulless corporation for a moment and focus on the actual issues under discussion in the ad. The ad’s tagline asked, “Is this the best a man can get?” referencing Gillette own sales tagline, “The best a man can get,” and features vignettes of sexual harassment, cat-

“Make no mistake, Gillette doesn’t care about you or your political views.”

With the ad being so widely controversial, you’re likely to have seen or at least heard about it by now, and you have probably formed your own opinion. The day of the ad’s release saw dozens of public figures tweeting and posting about the ad and taking sides in the ensuing debate. In the two weeks since the ad’s release, Gillette’s sales haven’t dropped by any substantial margin, and sources vary on how much they’ve increased (if at all), but the impact of the ad is certain: everyone has Gillette on their mind, and the company’s brand is now associated

calling, physical violence and a through-line of bullying. It ends with encouragement to step in and stop such behavior, as well as to set a better model for the youth.

As can reasonably be expected with anything that taps even slightly into genderbased social issues, a sizable population of men felt personally attacked, with hundreds if not thousands of commenters across the various platforms vowing to boycott Gillette entirely. The men who felt themselves so victimized proselytized against what they considered to be an assault on masculinity

courtesy RELEVANT Magazine Though the ad is criticized for being anti-men, the heroes of the ad themselves are men.

and another breach of those pesky Leftists into the formerly pure world of corporate advertisement.

A critical look at the ad reveals that these allegations don’t really hold any water.

“Men” as an entity aren’t addressed or targeted in the ad; Gillette doesn’t cast a net on all men, calling them sexual harassers or bullies or proponents of toxic masculinity.

In fact, the ad is obvious in its stance that, indeed, not all men are shitty: the heroes in the ad are men, after all. The guys who chastise the catcallers, the father who breaks up the kids fighting and the father who helps the kid getting bullied: men.

An interpolated clip of actor Terry Crews stating, “Men need to hold other men accountable,” sums up the ad’s message rather well. Gillette is clear in their stance that not all men are jackasses, but that some are, and that the men who aren’t jackasses should stand up and say to the men who are jackasses, “Hey, you guys should stop acting like jackasses.” In any case, the jackasses collectively showed themselves in comment sections across all social platforms, and they weren’t happy.

As for the criticism of the ad’s progressivism and more implicit criticism of the ideals espoused by left-leaning individuals: please, stop making social issues bipartisan. There is no contesting that sexual harassment is bad, that bullying is bad or that toxic mas-

culinity is bad. When taking a stance against a company that publicly engages in these commonly-held opinions, why criticize their progressiveness? Why voluntarily put yourself on the wrong side of history? Of all the reasons you could have for criticizing a company, why refer to “progressivism” as an umbrella-term, when the ad’s “progressivism” clearly rails against such genuinely undebatable issues such as bullying (a child is chased and pummelled) and sexual harassment (a parody of live-audience television depicts a man molesting a woman).

But here I am, defending the merits of an internet ad from a massive corporation. Allow me to reiterate, Gillette doesn’t care if you liked or disliked the ad. In fact, the only reason that Gillette might even care about this article, or others like it, is that it contains the word “Gillette” 20 times.

Corporations only act for their own benefit, and they don’t make broad moves or take allegedly political stances unless their market research assures them such a move would be profitable. They likely didn’t make this ad to launch a genuine campaign against toxic masculinity, but to make money. Companies don’t pick sides unless motivated by money. I’d like to frame this more gracefully, but that’s really the bottom line here. Gillette wanted money, not to make a genuine statement on how to improve human nature.

Loss of jobs in journalism reduces quality of news

Citizens of the United States, as consumers of news and participants in democracy, must prioritize reliable journalism.

Raven Fawcett Managing Editor Last week, nearly a thousand journalists were laid off. Employees for Huffington Post, Buzzfeed News and newspapers owned by print media giant Gannett Co. lost jobs. It’s another blow in a long line of hits to the newspaper industry. In 2018, New York Times CEO Mark Thompson said that “I believe at least 10 years is what we can see in the U.S. for our print products,” but

than themselves. It is unequivocally necessary. To say otherwise is to disrespect the journalists who dedicate their lives to uncovering truth and to give in to the naive belief that the powers that be will have your best interests at heart. Breaking news: this presidency proves that the U.S. is one uninformed election away from disaster.

So what’s to blame for this downward spiral in print media? Most revenue for newspapers comes from advertising. But advertising is moving online, print media costs money and America is losing faith in journalism. Journalism hasn’t adapted to consumer trends, and that problem lies squarely at the feet of the CEOs and presidents of the corporations that own newspapers. It hasn’t captured the advertising market it will need to continue to pay reporters and create a thriving journalism scene that will create a culture of accountability.

But regardless of how newspapers are currently funded, the general public needs to make news a priority. We need to support journalism now more than ever and work to suggest and create sustainable news models that benefit the public and allow journalists to continue their work.

“It is our job, as citizens in a democracy, to pursue truth and hold our governments... accountable.”

“Fake news” is largely due to our own inability to check the veracity of our sources.

courtesy IFLA

that newspapers would shift their strategies to deal with these trends.

With so many layoffs happening, though, that doesn’t seem to hold quite true. Fewer employed journalists means a reduction in quality or quantity of news. They simply do not have the time or energy to investigate every tip, cultivate sources and write substantial pieces the way a fully-staffed newsroom could. Is this the way print media dies? Inconclusive, but it is a punch on the chin to democracy.

Newspapers are vital to living in a society where elected officials make decisions about your day-to-day life. Your taxes, roads and school districts are regulated and budgeted for by others. The news tracks these decisions and notifies the public about items of concern. Maybe that makes the news depressing, but it’s also a reflection of your reality.

The work these people do is important: it uncovers the ways, surprising and shocking and sometimes mundane, that people are affected by social and federal forces bigger

Professions are shaped by the people who work in and support them. America has not supported accountability or truth recently.

It is our job, as citizens in a democracy, to pursue truth and hold our governments and elected officials accountable. “Fake news” is a problem that we ourselves created by refusing to take the extra five seconds to google news and news sources. We share it, and then we blame honest-to-goodness journalism for the consequences of our laziness.

If we want to revitalize our government, we have to put time, money and effort into our news. You don’t have to read every paper in the nation, but turn off your ad blocker when you check L.A. Times. Encourage your grandparents to buy a subscription to the Washington Post. Donate to NPR. Share news stories from your local paper on Facebook. Vet your news sources. Engage with news stories that matter to you. For the love of all that’s honest and worthwhile, support the truth in whatever way you can.

Sports

The Collegian: 6

28 January 2019

US Nationals skaters break records

Figure skating expert Hannah Robbins discusses the shocking finishes in the United States National Championships and the firsts that skaters achieved.

In recent years, the U.S. Nationals has become the competition that determines how the rest of the calendar year goes for a skater.

Depending on the year, a skater’s Nationals results will send them the Four Continents Competition, a Junior/Senior World Champion-

Notable absences from Nationals this year include Gracie Gold, who made a comeback this year at the Grand Prix Russia but withdrew after a rough short program and decided to to sit the rest of the season out to prepare for next season. Other skaters missing include

to Alexa Scimeca-Knierim/Chris Knierim to reclaim their title, but their rough Grand Prix season that left them outside the Grand Prix Final raised the question: is their head in the game? On the other hand, Ashley Cain/Timothy LeDuc finished above the Knier-

coming up the ranks, including Tomoki Hiwatashi, the sixth-place finisher at the Junior Grand Prix Final. Nathan Chen came back this year to claim the title for the third time, and despite his rough Olympics last year, has been dominating this Grand Prix season and is

pleted, but the competition has been eventful. After a rough last year for Brown, he surged to second with a clean program with his characteristic artistry and clean elements. Chen skated cleanly, landing in first, while Vincent Zhou recovered from his rough season

“The national title for U.S. ladies is notoriously difficult to defend, with four different winners in the past four years.” ships berth or even an Olympic spot. In addition, this competition is one of the significant factors in Grand Prix placing for the next season. With all this pressure, some skaters sink and others swim, and Nationals is a way to see how skaters will fare on the international scene.

In years past, the results for this competition have not been the only thing determining spots, and those selections have caused drama and led to cries of outrage for most casual skating fans. After the rules for the Olympic Selection Committee changed in 2014 so that the current year’s Nationals result, international results for the past year and the previous year’s National result were all considered, Ashley Wagner earned an Olympic spot despite finishing Nationals in fourth place. Four years later Adam Rippon did the same thing, with Jason Brown (who placed sixth) earning the first alternate spot over second place finisher Ross Miner.

The ladies’ competition this year is full of new faces. While most Nationals require a certain age limit before competing at the senior level, U.S. Nationals only requires competitors to take a test that determines if they can compete at an appropriate level. This opens the door for significant portions of the field who compete as a junior internationally to compete as a senior in U.S. Nationals. This year, there are many juniors coming up the ranks and filling the spaces left by injuries and (possible) retirements.

2017 National Champion Karen Chen, who was plagued with injuries and competed in a mere two competitions all year, and Mirai Nagasu, the 2018 U.S. Nationals bronze medalist who stated she might return to competition after an injury sidelined her this season.

Ashley Wagner, the 2012, 2013 and 2015 U.S. National Champion, retired after missing a bid to the Olympics last year.

The national title for U.S. ladies is notoriously difficult to defend, with four different winners in the past four years. The field is always picking up new skills and consistency is a rarity in U.S. ladies figure skating, but this year, it was Bradie Tennell, the announcer-crowned “queen of consistency,” who returned to claim her title again. She was challenged by Mariah Bell, the 2017 Nationals bronze medalist who has struggled with clean programs after that competition and Alysa Liu, the 13-year-old who is the only U.S. lady with a triple axel in her bag.

Tennell produced a strong short program, but after stepping out of a combination and falling on the first part of a combination jump, she ended in second place. While Bell made a solid effort to pass Tennell, a fall during the free had her end a mere point behind Tennell, claiming the bronze. It was Liu who came out on top.

She was edged out by Tennell in the short but remained error-free during the free skate, earning her the title of U.S. National champion at 13, the youngest in U.S. history. On the pairs side, it was up

ims at Skate America — would currently undefeated since Worlds filled with under-rotations to end they best them again? last year. in third. If things continue as they After struggling with serious At the time of reporting, only did in the short, Nathan Chen will errors in the short program, the the short program had been com- repeat as national champion.

Knierims ended in seventh. An aborted lift and major mistakes on two jumping passes gave them the their lowest placing ever less than a year after their Olympic bronze medal. Instead, it was Cain/Leduc who ended on top, with 2017 Champions Haven Denny/Brandon Fraizer finishing in second and 2018 bronze medalists Deanna Stellato-Dudek/Nathan Bartholomay reprising their bronze medal result.

On the ice dancing side, the loss of Alex and Maia Shibutani (who took this season off) was barely felt. Madison Hubbell/Zachary Donohue have dominated this season with a victory on both their Grand Prix assignments and the Grand Prix Final seemed poised to take the Nationals crown. But Madison Chock/Evan Bates, the 2015 national champions and silver medalists last year, who missed their Grand Prix assignments due to Chock’s injured ankle, emerged as a medal threat after the rhythm dance. Other significant contenders included Kaitlin Hawayek/Jean-Luc Baker, who placed sixth at the Grand Prix Final and third in the rhythm. After strong performances by all three, Hubbell/Donohue ended on top with Chock/Bates in second and Hawayek/Baker in third.

On the men’s side, only Adam Rippon, the Twitter sensation who placed fourth at Nationals last year, has retired. New juniors are Alysa Liu is the youngest U.S. champion ever. courtesy Golden Skate

Will Man U keep Solskjaer?

European soccer expert Andrew Noland weighs the chances of Manchester United giving their interim manager a permanent position.

Solskjaer celebrates during a match.

courtesy talkSPORT

Last Friday, Manchester United crushed Arsenal 3-1 at Emirates Stadium in the fourth round of the FA Cup. With eight wins out of eight, the Red Devils are flying high in the post-Jose Mourinho era. Ole Gunnar Solskjaer, loaned as a caretaker manager from Norwegian club Molde Fotballklubb, has expertly navigated the Manchester United squad from falling out of Champions League qualifying to only three points behind fourth place.

Simply put, we can no longer avoid discussion of whether the Manchester United legend’s winning streak warrants his hiring.

He has brushed aside the teams from the lower half of the Premier League table with ease.

Solskjaer tactically outmaneuvered Mauricio Pochettino’s (the favorite to take over Manchester United on a permanent basis) Tottenham side at Wembley and his thrashing of Unai Emery’s Arsenal only solidified that Manchester United is a force to be reckoned with once again.

Solskjaer has the team playing Sir Alex Ferguson-style attacking football again, which is a breath of fresh air for spectators at Old Trafford who wanted to throw themselves in front of the proverbial “parked bus” before Mourinho’s sacking.

In addition, the players love the new manager, enjoying his erratic training methods, his ability to relate to their experiences at Old Trafford and his encouraging at-

titude toward his players.

We live in the best era of soccer.

Managers wield immense authority, develop complex and alluring tactical systems and can draw talent from every corner of the globe.

The best truly compete against the best. For Ole Gunnar Solskjaer as the Manchester United manager to lead them back to glory would be, according to many pundits, too much of a fairy tale.

However, Solskjaer is aligning the stars himself. The Norwegian’s undying and implacable faith can be seen both on the training ground and in the media.

As a result, Paul Pogba is in his best form since returning to Manchester United, Marcus Rashford has turned into the Chosen One and Victor Lindelof, once seen as a flop, is playing like he is one of the best central defenders in England. Mourinho’s repeated public humiliation of his players indeed created a squad that looked as if it should be overhauled.

However, Solskjaer has this team playing like it’s among the best in Europe, which, on paper, it should always have been.

All the praise aside, Solskjaer’s squad will have to come back down to Earth. They have yet to play the current leaders in Liverpool and in the Manchester Derby. Those results, as well as next month’s Champions League ties against Paris San Germain, will determine whether the Norwegian should take on the job as permanent manager.

The caretaker manager has yet to develop a coherent tactical system, but Manchester United keeps winning. Working with the talent at his disposal, the manager appears to be tweaking the side’s structure constantly but adapting to beat each team he comes across.

In other words, unlike Jurgen Klopp’s gegenpress, Mourinho’s “park the bus,” Maurizio Sarri’s eponymous “Sarriball” and Pep Guardiola’s “Cruyffball,” Solskjaer attempts to find the best system for his set of players. It’s yet to be seen how or if this will shift as the season progresses.

If they finish in the top four, which they seem poised to do, as well as reach the quarterfinal of this season’s Champions League, the fans will believe that the prodigal son has indeed returned, and the Manchester United board’s hands will be tied.

Although men like Pochettino, Massimiliano Allegri and Zinedine Zidane are certainly still contenders, Solskjaer should possess the benefit of the doubt until he loses.

He has Manchester United firing on all cylinders, and, until proven otherwise, he should be the favorite for the job. His style of soccer, his willingness to play youth, his demeanor and, most importantly, his results all indicate that he is the right man for Old Trafford’s future. In the second half of the season, it will be the unenviable task of the Manchester United board to figure out whether that’s true.

Sports

28 January 2019

The Collegian: 7

2019 Super Bowl predictions

The Collegian sports writing staff gives their takes on who will win next Sunday’s big game between the New England Patriots and the LA Rams.

Brennen: Do I want to go with the dynastic overlords known as the Brady Bunch?

Or the somehow-even-less-charming-butstill-loveable underdogs, the LA Rams?

The question almost seems to come down to a coin flip. Heads, the Patriots win and Belichick can stop frowning for three seconds. Tails, the Pats beat themselves and a Rams fan eats horse poop.

Notice that I left it to the Patriots to win or lose. Time and time again, New England has controlled the Super Bowl. They could underperform, and we all watch the pros reenact Alabama vs. Clemson. Or they could win by a nigh unpredictable margin. The Rams will show up and hope for the best.

Since I am obligated to make a prediction, I say Patriots over Rams 24-21.

Hannah: I’m going to be honest and say that once I saw the way the Steelers’ season was going, I stopped caring on some level about the NFL. However, the LA Rams’ winning the NFC was something I would

about as if they hadn’t gotten caught cheating in the past. That sordid history aside, the duo of Belichick and Brady is a hard one to beat. Ask the Falcons — the duo’s mental toughness shows up greatest when they face the worst odds. They will likely beat the Rams, because having been there makes a difference, but God, I hope the Rams put up a fight after having been gifted their spot by that egregious no-call against the Saints.

Patriots win 35-24.

Lindsey: Maybe one day soon I will be able to enjoy football without the looming inevitability of a handful of teams vying for the title year after year.

But life is unfair and we don’t always get what we want, Cheryl. My only optimism for this game is rooted in that there are two scenarios. One: the Patriots, Tom Brady and Bill Belichick get another ring, and Brady gets to ride off into the sunset and stop terrorizing the league. Two: the Rams win, Belichick sacrifices another cornerback a la

enough to believe that this team is infallible.

We are exactly one year removed from the disappearance of Malcolm Butler and the alchemical change of Nick Foles into prime Eli Manning.

But if you are fool enough to bet against this team when it’s firing on all cylinders, I’ve got some snake oil to sell you. Kyle Van Noy is out there looking like Khalil Mack, the running game is tearing teams up

and wearing them down, Julian Edelman is catching everything in a 10-foot radius… and Brady. Tom Terrific. He’s got a fire in his eyes and a zip in his arm that I haven’t seen since coming back from the Deflategate suspension. Eat your heart out, Jared Goff. Patriots 31, Rams 20.

“If you are fool enough to bet against this team when it’s firing on all cylinders, I’ve got some snake oil to sell you.” not have seen coming. I hope they continue to do the unexpected and beat the Patriots.

New England has dominated the NFL over the past two decades and once a team becomes dominant there are two options: become complacent or continue to excel. I feel the Patriots will become complacent and fall to the L.A. Rams 30-27.

Chris: I wish we lived in a world where one team hadn’t won almost a quarter of the Super Bowls played in my life, but we do, and wouldn’t you know it, that team is back in the big game again. The plucky underdogs from Foxborough who we still talk

Malcolm Butler, and they make another run next year. I don’t know which I want, but after Clemson embarrassed Alabama, I don’t feel safe in predicting outcomes. Altogether, the Rams will win 26-24. Go team.

Justin: Dread it, run from it, destiny still arrives. Remember when New England started 1-2? When Brady and Gronk were washed-up?

When Patrick Mahomes and the Chiefs were ready to become the new AFC dynasty? Haters have been rooting for the Patriots to fail for years now, and guess what? WE’RE STILL HERE. I’m not stupid The Rams and the Patriots face off Feburary 2.

graphic by Conner Maggio

Is Tom Brady football’s GOAT? Two Collegian staff members debate the merits of Brady and the title “Greatest of All Time.”

Hannah Robbins Student Writer As Super Bowl LIII draws closer, new claims about Tom Brady are being made.

Some say that with his five Super Bowl titles and his upcoming sixth attempt, he’s the greatest of all time (GOAT), but I don’t believe he is. Why don’t I believe this despite the Patriots’ dominance providing what many believe is overwhelming evidence?

Simple. Tom Brady can’t be the GOAT because there is no GOAT. Before we can get into why I believe there are no GOATs, let’s take a look at the term.

GOAT entered the popular vernacular with the title for LL Cool J’s 2000 album, which played off a popular name of Muhammad Ali. From there, it picked up some popular-

hind. The flaw in this index is that ESPN’s methodology betrays what most usages of GOAT in sports imply: the title is completely subjective.

There is no way to accurately compare quarterbacks from different eras, let alone different teams. A quarterback is not like a figure skater; they are only as good as their running backs and lineman. You can try for all the big plays you want, but if you keep getting sacked because your offensive line can’t keep it together, it doesn’t matter.

Extrapolate that for quarterbacks in different eras. The rules of the NFL are always changing. Between Montana’s start and Brady’s, two-point conversions were added, chop blocks were banned and two additional wild cards entered the playoffs. In addition, passing attempts overall are increasing, and

“...a quarterback is still only as good as his team.” ity online, earning an Urban Dictionary entry in 2003. Its popularity in sports is more recent, with the “GOAT Index” for NBA players coming out as recently as 2016. That is a mathematical formula that averages just about every statistic in basketball you can think of (rebounds, assists, free throw percentage, steals, blocks, etc.) and comes up with the best player overall based purely on statistics.

When the term first came into usage in comparing NFL players, ESPN decided the best way to quantify the GOAT was to have 10 coaches/talking heads/knowledgeable NFL fans vote on the top 10 quarterbacks from 1978 on, the most empirical methodology ever used. In ESPN’s “GOAT Index,” Brady came out on top, with Peyton Manning, Joe Montana and John Elway close be-

as the strategy changes, so do the stats. If overall passing attempts increase, so should the average yards per quarterback, leading to inflated statistics.

If the stats are changing and the trends are changing so what was once less common is now the de facto coaching strategy, those statistics that show current NFL quarterbacks leading the lifetime statistics don’t hold as much value. If you can’t compare quarterbacks throughout different eras, then there is no way to definitively state Brady is the greatest of all time. The greatest of our time could be argued, but a quarterback is still only as good as his team. Sure, Tom Brady might be a good quarterback, a great one even considering his five Super Bowl rings, but he sure isn’t the greatest of all time.

The greatest quarterbacks of all time see how they measure up to Brady.

Justin Guglielmetti Editor-in-Chief Tom Brady is back in the Super Bowl, and that means it’s almost time for everyone’s favorite annual senseless sports debate: is number 12 the GOAT? I maintain that the answer is an obvious “yes” because I’m not a hater or contrarian. But inevitably, you’ll encounter some doofus over the coming weeks who will scream in your face about Peyton Manning having more MVPs, or Drew Brees more 5,000-yard seasons or Aaron Rodgers a higher passer rating.

Even worse will be if Brady and the Pats lose in the Super Bowl, which shouldn’t affect his legacy one iota but will surely queue your drunk uncle into his favorite argument that “Joe Montana never lost in a Super Bowl!” Never mind that Brady would still have two more wins and three times Montana’s appearances in this scenario, because apparently losing before the championship game is much worse than losing in it.

But I don’t want to rehash these discussions, because they are the sports equivalent of arguing with a flat-Earther. More interesting is debating the concept of the GOAT

(arguably more) than watching the games, and as long as we love sports, we’re going to want to rank our favorite players and teams.

Trying to prevent people from doing that is about as fruitless as attempting to stop the sun from rising.

Of course, not everybody is always going to have the same criteria for what constitutes the “greatest,” and that’s part of the fun! For some, it might be the athlete who reached the highest peak, for others the one who was able to maintain a consistent level of excellence over the longest period of time. Most people (like me) have some sort of ill-defined mental formula that weighs these factors in addition to accomplishments, impact on team success and possession of an iron jaw of justice. But just because it’s ultimately a subjective endeavor, that doesn’t mean the concept itself is moot.

My all-time least favorite argument against the GOAT is the “can’t compare across eras” thing. Anybody with a rudimentary understanding of athletic history knows that humans have become more accomplished as training, competition and the games themselves have evolved. Babe Ruth couldn’t handle a modern slider or triple-digit heat. Bob Cousy couldn’t shoot

“These discussions... are the sports equivalent of arguing with a flat-Earther...”

(Greatest of All Time, for those who spent the first paragraph wondering why I was comparing a bunch of quarterbacks to a capitalized farm animal). Is there such a thing?

How do we determine it? Is it possible to judge players from different eras?

Obviously there is no objective way to determine if somebody is the best that ever played, but if that’s your argument against the existence of the concept of the GOAT, you’re just being pedantic. Discussion and debate is as much a part of sports fandom

or dribble well enough for today’s NBA. That’s fine! Can’t we just base our arguments on how good athletes were compared to the ones they played against?

What this comes down to is that talking about the GOAT is fun. Why on Earth would you want to take the wind out of everybody’s sails just because there’s no definitive answer? Subjectivity isn’t a bad thing.

Except when it comes to Brady. Brady is the GOAT.

graphic by Conner Maggio

Sports

The Collegian: 8

28 January 2019

Donćič to be lasting NBA sensation

NBA journalist Chris Lierly discusses the European basketball player’s potential as an all-around shooting threat for the Dallas Mavericks.

Luka Donćič’s stardom in the NBA resembles other young stars because of where he comes from, but unlike those players, Doncic is in the shadow of another European great and does not really break with convention. In the 2017-18 season, Slovenian basketball player Dončić was winning an MVP in the EuroLeague Final Four as he tore up the competition with Real Madrid.

Not long after the Atlanta Hawks drafted him at third overall in the NBA Draft, they traded his rights to the Dallas Mavericks for fifth-pick Trae Young and a future firstrounder. It is probably too early to accurately assess that trade now, since Young looks talented in his own right and the other pick has yet been drafted, but for the meantime, it looks to have been a masterstroke of draft trades for the Mavs.

With his rookie season not even halfway over, Dončić has become the biggest young name in basketball. He is averaging 20 points, seven rebounds and five assists per game, and he has become the centerpiece for the Mavericks. When All-Star Weekend rolls around, he will participate in the Skills Challenge, where the entire country will be able to witness the incredible play that Mavs fans have been raving about. Still, there are two key components to Dončić’s situation in the NBA that will make his one of the most compelling stories in the NBA as his career goes on.

First, he is from Slovenia and thus will always get compared to other stars that came from Europe. The list includes names like Vlade Divac, Pau and Marc Gasol, Peja Stojakovic, Tony Parker and Drazen Petrovic.

However, what makes this almost too cinematic is that the man widely recognized as the greatest European basketball player of all time is Dončić’s teammate Dirk Nowitzki. The German big man is in the twilight stage of his career, but those who saw him in

his prime, especially the 2011 Finals, know just how dominant of a player he was. His incredible jumpshot and facilitating led him to a Finals MVP and the Mavs to their firstever NBA Championship. It also meant that Nowitzki cemented himself as the best player Dallas had ever seen. Dirk’s shadow will be cast over any good player for the Mavs, let alone one player from Europe. To be the best Maverick and European NBA player, Dončić will be chasing one of the greats.

The other interesting components about Dončić is his play style and position. If we look at two other players in the NBA who received the kind of early-career hype that Dončić is currently receiving, we see how the Slovenian has created uniqueness by being conventional. Kristaps Porzingis (“The Unicorn” to many) hails from Lithuania and is easily one of the most unguardable players in the league. Standing at seven-footthree with a wingspan of seven-foot-six, Porzingis can impose his height in the post, but what has made him become a fan favorite across the league is his shooting ability. Like Dirk before him, Porzingis has no trouble playing down low, but if a guy taller than Shaq can shoot the three-ball, then who is going to tell him not to?

The other example is Giannis Antetokounmpo (the Greek Freak). Antetokounmpo plays the court, and by that, I mean the man can really play whatever position he wants at any given moment. Though nominally a small forward, at six-foot-eleven with a seven-foot-three wingspan, he has one of the most athletic builds in the game and uses it to torch defenders. He lacks the kind of consistent jumper typically required of a star wing player, but that does not matter when he can fly by defenders and cram over centers of equal or greater size. Both he and Porzingis break convention in different ways and that is where Dončić stands out.

courtesy NBC Sports Luka Dončić stands at six-foot-seven, has a good jump shot, can pass, rebound and drive efficiently. If you were drawing up a prototypical high-quality small forward in the ‘90s, you would have found yourself with a Dončić-like player. In an NBA where General Managers are constantly looking for convention breaking young stars like

Porzingis and Antetokounmpo, Dončić is a highly conventional player with incredible potential. Whether he stays on the Mavericks and tries to surpass Dirk or eventually leaves for a franchise with another star, Dončić will be one of the most important players in the NBA in the coming decade.

Bearcats stomp TU Bad free throw shooting and a porous defense resulted in Cincinnati’s 88-64 win over Tulsa on Thursday. @TUCollegian

tucollegian@tucollegian.org editor-in-chief

Justin Guglielmetti managing editor

Raven Fawcett news editor

Ethan Veenker sports editor

Brennen Gray variety editor

Emma Palmer commentary editor

Emily Every satire editor

Madison Connell photo & graphics editor

Conner Maggio

business & advertising manager

Brian Kwiecinski

social media & web manager

Sara Serrano

distribution managers

Jacob Lee Jesica Santino and Katelyn Baker copy editor

Bryant Loney

The Collegian is the student newspaper of the University of Tulsa. It is distributed Mondays during the fall and spring semesters, except during holidays and final exam weeks. The University of Tulsa does not discriminate on the basis of personal status or group characteristics including but not limited to the classes protected under federal and state law. Inquiries regarding implementation of this policy may be addressed to the Office of Human Resources, 800 South Tucker Drive, Tulsa, Oklahoma 74104-9700, (918)631-2616. Requests for accomodation of disabilities may be addressed to the university’s 504 Coordinator, Dr. Tawny Rigsby, (918)631-3814. To ensure availability of an interpeter, five to seven days notice is needed; 48 hours is recommended for all other accomodations.

Advertising Policy: Advertising appearing in this publication does not imply approval or endorsement by the University of Tulsa or the Collegian for the products or services advertised. For advertising information, email the Collegian at advertising@tucollegian.org. The deadline for advertising is noon on the Friday proir to publication.

Letter Policy: Letters to the editor must be less than 500 words and can be sent to tucollegian@tucollegian.org. Under no circumstances will anonymous letters be published. The name of the person submitting the letter must be published with the letter. We reserve the right to edit or reject all letters. The deadline for letters is 5 p.m. on the Friday prior to publication.

Justin Guglielmetti Editor-in-Chief Only two weeks removed from a heartbreaking overtime loss to Cincinnati at the Reynolds Center, the Golden Hurricane men’s basketball team traveled to the home court of the Bearcats with their season on the line. But rather than exact revenge, TU ending up falling again to their rivals — this time in an 88-64 blowout.

Jarron Cumberland led the scoring for Cincinnati with 23 points, along with five assists. Point guard Justin Jenifer, held to just two points in the teams’ first meeting, scored 18 on six three pointers. Tre Scott also contributed a double-double with 13 points and 11 rebounds.

Tulsa saw four starters in double figures plus a career-high 10 points from Darien Jackson off the bench. Sterling Taplin led the team with 12 points and seven assists but made just one of nine two-point attempts. The team as a whole shot an unacceptable 42 percent from the free throw line and was outrebounded 44-26.

From the first possession, everything seemingly went the Bearcats’ way. Just one minute into the game, Martins Igbanu had committed an offensive foul, Jenifer had knocked down his first three and Cumber-

land connected with Scott on a highlight reel alley-oop from half court. The lead would extend to as many as 15 in the first half, as Cincinnati was able to respond every time Tulsa hit a shot that looked like it might start a run. The ball pinged around the perimeter out of the reach of the matchup zone, and TU’s defenders were left scrambling time and again as their opponents effortlessly knocked down open shot after open shot.

The second half began in a scoring frenzy with both teams converting on four of their first five possessions, and when Taplin hit a three-pointer to bring the deficit back to single digits, it looked like the Golden Hurricane might finally be able to make a game out of it. Five minutes and a string of missed shots later, Cincinnati had put the game away by opening up a 21-point lead.

In the game’s closing minutes, sophomore transfer Peter Hewitt saw action for the third time this season and scored his first points as a member of the Golden Hurricane.

Feel-good stories for Jackson and Hewitt aside, this was a devastating blow for a Tulsa team that desperately needed a win against a quality team to stay in the hunt in the hyper-competitive American Conference. The loss dropped the team to 12-8, and just 2-5 in conference play. What began as a season in which an at-large bid to the NCAA tournament loomed as a legitimate possibility has become an endeavor to avoid the basement of the AAC. Going forward over the next month and a half, it will rest on the shoulders of seniors Taplin and DaQuan Jeffries to finish strong and make some kind of noise as the team moves past the most difficult part of its schedule.

Editing Policy: The Collegian reserves the right to edit all copy submitted by all writers. This editing may take place in many forms, including grammar corrections, changes in paragraph structure or even the addition or removal of sections of content.

Editorial Policy: Columnists are solely responsible for the content of their columns. Opinions expressed in columns may not represent the opions of the Collegian staff, the administrative policies of the University of Tulsa, the views of the student body or our advertisers.

Jarron Cumberland rises for a jumper over Elijah Joiner.

courtesy GoBearcats

Sports

28 January 2019

The Collegian: 9

Cougars blow by Golden Hurricane Houston came away with a decisive 77-65 victory over Tulsa on Sunday, January 27.

photos by Dalton Stewart

Sterling Taplin (left) drives to the basket while DaQuan Jeffries (right) throws down a thunderous dunk.

photo by James Taylor

Taplin stops a Houston drive to the basket.

Jan. 28 - Feb. 3 Monday

Tuesday 28

Wednesday 29

30

Thursday

Saturday

Friday

31

Sunday 2

1 W Tennis vs. UCA 10 a.m.

No Events

W Basketball vs. Temple 7 p.m.

M Basketball vs. Memphis 7 p.m.

No Events

M Tennis vs. ORU 7 p.m.

M Basketball @ Wichita St. 1 p.m.

W Basketball @ Memphis 1 p.m.

3

W Tennis vs. UCLA 9 a.m.

M Tennis @ Arkansas 1 p.m.

The Collegian: 10

Sports

Housing selection starts Friday, Feb.1

28 January 2019

Check out utulsa.edu/housing for information and helpful videos.

Hey Freshmen!

CHECK OUT YOUR OPTIONS FOR HOUSING NEXT YEAR. n n n

Keep your current space, if available to retain.

Enter the housing lottery and select any available housing space.

Live on Sorority Row.

Log on and sign up before the deadline, Feb. 28 Freshmen must sign up for campus housing or complete a housing exemption form in order to enroll for fall classes.

Priority Parking Each student who completes a license and makes a selection will qualify for priority parking.

March 6, 2019 — Students who retain their current assignment or are a mutually confirmed roommate with a retainer may start the parking registration process.

Students participating in the lottery selection may complete their parking registration at the time of housing selection.

Housing Office: 918-631-2516

utulsa.edu/housing Housing Selection Collegian Ads #19017 19018.indd 1

1/17/19 7:57 AM

Variety

28 January 2019

The Collegian: 11

“McJesus” sculpture causes riots in Israel The sculpture, which is a part of a traveling exhibition that critiques capitalism, has led to massive protests in Haifa, Israel.

Piper Prolago Student Writer The Haifa Museum of Art in Haifa, Israel, has catapulted the city into chaos with the showcasing of the exhibition “Sacred Goods.” This exhibition includes a lifesized sculpture of a crucified Ronald McDonald by Finnish artist Jani Leinonen titled “McJesus.” Through a tangled argument between freedom of expression and respect for various religious groups, the Haifa Museum has recently announced its plans to remove this controversial piece.

Alongside several other provocative works, including renderings of Jesus and the Virgin Mary as Barbie dolls, “McJesus” plays an active role in conveying the intent of the exhibition. “Sacred Goods” aims to challenge the relationship between capital-

The minority population of Christian citizens in Israel rallied against what protestor Nicola Adbo calls a “disgraceful sculpture.”

Riots broke out across the city in anger with the museum. Three police officers were injured as protestors tried to force their way into the building, and two people were arrested on suspicion of trying to firebomb the museum. These protesters were dispersed with the use of stun grenades and tear gas.

Although protestors called for the removal of “McJesus” as well as some other controversial pieces, museum director Nissim Tal argued, “If we take the art down, the next day we’ll have politicians demanding we take other things down, and we’ll end up only with colorful pictures of flowers in the museum.” Tal, as well as many supporters of the inclusion of the sculpture, debate that art is intended to cause controversy and make viewers think. Simply removing everything that is not easy to swallow will only promote homogeneous thought and prevent divergences of opinion.

Another factor in the controversy sur-

“The controversy in Haifa raises questions about the role of art in culture...” ism and religion, using many religious images as a lens to view consumer values. Leinonen’s sculpture is a particularly poignant evaluation of this relationship, intending to critique the alleged worship and cult-like adherence to capitalism.

rounding “McJesus” is the fact that Leinonen has asked for the piece to be taken down as well. He claimed to have asked for the piece to be removed from the museum in September in solidarity with Palestine. An avid supporter of the Palestinian cause, Leinonen wanted to boycott the museum as part

courtesy The Guardian

Jani Leinonen’s “McJesus.”

of a Palestinian-led movement with the goal to force Israel to change policies towards Palestine.

Ultimately, the Haifa Museum has chosen to remove the “McJesus” sculpture after several weeks of protests arguments.

This was announced by the mayor of Haifa, Einat Kalish Rotem, who apologized for the “aggravation to the Christian community” caused by the sculpture. No date has been set for the sculpture’s removal, but the piece was on loan from a Finnish museum to which it will be returned.

The controversy in Haifa raises questions about the role of art in culture and the obli-

gation of museums to protect artists’ rights to create challenging commentary. While the conflict in Haifa is notably affected by many factors, including underlying religious tensions already prevalent in the country, the dispute about “McJesus” represents the essence of what art is capable of saying.

Without artists who push the boundaries of normalcy and acceptability, society cannot progress past the problems they can identify. If artists are not protected and allowed to explore controversial issues, their freedom of expression is taken and the public is left ignorant of alternate perspectives.

Conner’s cooking corner: “Drunken Pasta” Who says you have to eat like a rat while in college? With my help, you can feast like a king.

Conner Maggio Graphics Editor Hello friends, it’s Conner, chef extraordinaire. I will teach you the hidden art of pasta. The main thing to remember here is that everything is substitutable, and if you do everything the way I do it, you will suck at cooking. Cooking is an art, and nobody got good at art from copying others, except all those renaissance guys.

Here is the ingredient list: 1 package pasta (preferably fettuccine noodles) 1 full glass of wine (any red wine will do. Also substitutable with any stock or flavored liquid) 5 cloves garlic (remember when I said everything was substitutable? I lied) Basil (get fresh basil for this — my ancestors will be upset with you if you do not) Salt and pepper Olive oil 1 pot 1 pan This is a garlic-and-oil-based pasta that’s finished with wine. It’s a traditional Italian dish, meaning that it is designed to have few ingredients that are balanced perfectly.

Step one: Grab your pan and make the pasta water as salty as the ocean, preferably one of the more saltier oceans. This is because the pasta will absorb the salt and become more flavorful and less boring. This is what Italians do, so just do it. Go ahead and get that to a rolling boil and add your pasta for whatever time the box says mi-

photo by Conner Maggio

The end result. Mmmm, tasty.

nus 40 seconds. Remember not to break the pasta. This is really a complicated metaphor for the United States’ experience with other cultures; instead of understanding, they just destroy it for no good reason. If the pasta doesn’t fit in the bowl, wait until it’s soft, and then push it down.

Step two: crush your garlic, and add to a pan of olive oil. The olive oil will act as a base in this pasta, so make sure to cover the entire bottom of the pan for full effect. Make sure to set this at a medium heat, and do not

let the garlic burn. Add any additional herbs or spices that you want with the oil now to fuse the oil and spice. A good example would be red pepper flakes or thyme.

Step three: take the pasta out once it is mostly done cooking, and add it to the oiled pan. At this point, add enough wine to cover about half the pasta to finish the cooking.

After the liquid is evaporated, add some black pepper, and finish by placing some basil leaves on the pasta. And as a final final touch, add some fresh olive oil. This will

add a fruity quality to the pasta that cooked olive oil does not provide.

And that is the simplest pasta you could possibly make, besides the kind without any sauce. It’s a beautiful traditional pasta that you can really add anything to. Bacon? Sure why not. Spinach? I have, it’s delicious!

Cheese? No, not that — traditionally you wouldn’t add cheese to an oil-based pasta.

Other than that, you are the master of the pasta. And as always, please don’t start a fire because I think I’d be held liable.

“Of Fathers and Sons” unusually intimate look at extremism The Oscar-nominated documentary is thought provoking and deeply unsettling.

Emma Palmer Variety Editor I didn’t enjoy watching “Of Fathers and Sons,” but then again, it’s not the kind of film you enjoy. An Oscar-nominated documentary shot over two years, “Of Fathers and Sons” seeks to understand the nature of religious extremism in director Talal Derki’s home country of Syria.

“Of Fathers and Sons” follows the ins and outs of the life of a jihadist’s family. Osama is a proud father who tells his sons that he loves them when he isn’t out training, taking target practice or deactivating mines.

Women are never seen. Derki gained the trust of the family by telling them he was a war photographer sympathetic to the cause, thus limiting who he was able to film.

There’s a scene early on where oldest son Osama — named after his father — walks into the room holding a bird. He says he wants “to keep it in a cage” and walks off.

A little later, one of the younger boys comes in and announces, “Dad, I slaughtered the bird!” When Osama asks how they did it, Osama Jr. explains, “We put his head down

and cut if off, like how you did it, Father, to that man.”

Derki follows the lives not just of Osama’s children but also Osama himself. In one interview, he crouches in a bunker and tells stories of his experiences during war while looking through a rifle scope at the highway. Then he shoots. “He fell off his

Osama, the main subject of the film, with his sons.

motorbike!” Osama exclaims as he tries to reload his gun; the cyclist, to Osama’s disappointment, gets away. Derki continues his interview.

Osama and his sons aren’t the only ones who speak in “Of Fathers and Sons” — the camerawork also contributes, and it doesn’t mince words. Though we never see blood,

courtesy Kino Lorber

the landscape alone is enough to devastate. Driving in the car, the camera traces out crumbling buildings and explosions in the distance. It’s apocalyptic. At one point, Osama takes his children on a field trip. “I want to show you something,” he says. Derki then cuts to the kids climbing on a tank, playing and laughing.

Perhaps the most alarming depiction in “Of Fathers and Sons” is the way Osama passes his extremism to his sons. The kids throw rocks at girls for being in school; they fill a bottle with citric acid and water and bury it like a mine; they look forward to being able to fight. But at the same time, they’re kids. They climb, they do somersaults and play soccer. Derki is careful to show both sides.

This film speaks for itself, with Derki and his camera crew telling a chilling narrative, one that was a risk to film. “Of Fathers and Sons” is claustrophobic. Just watching the film feels like an act of complicity. The goal, of course, is to present things as they are.

It’s a hard truth to see.

“Of Fathers and Sons” was nominated for an Oscar in “Best Documentary,” tickets and showtimes are available at www.circlecinema.com.

the

State-Run media Exercise is for hipsters.

Analog scooters scoot to popularity on campus Students ride out the scooter phase the hipster way.

Sara Serrano Limes Around Town Limes. Birds. Whatever model you prefer, there’s no denying the fact that these twowheeled wonders have been quick to scoot into the hearts of people all across TU’s campus. Gone are the days of self-propulsion (I’m looking at you, calves) when all it takes to make it to your 8 a.m. on time is a smartphone, a dollar and one of these marvels of micro rideshare technology.

However, when society moves forward, progress isn’t always spread out evenly. The case in point: a bizarre sect of TU students pushing a troubling new trend.

“You see, with an analog scooter, you really can just feel the road so much better,” says student Kelsiee Wagoner. “Every bump is a kiss from the road, and every push forward is a romantic reply. A trip to class is basically a love letter when you ride a Razor scooter.”

Wagoner is just one of the many faces of a movement that threatens to destroy our new way of life. They stand in favor of boring old Krebs-cycle powered scooters over our beloved electric ones. And they’re gaining quite a following.

A casual headcount of every Razor parked around campus reveals that at least 200 stu-

Latest cutting-edge hipster trend: Razor scooters.

dents have made the switch to this antiquated method of transportation. A terrifying number, which doesn’t even include those who store their scooters inside or on their person for safe keeping.

The fear now is that with fewer people using their scooters, Lime and Bird might decide that keeping them in the area just isn’t profitable and remove them from Tulsa altogether, a prospect that has many, including myself, outraged with these vile vehicle hipsters.

“Frankly, it’s disgusting. Now that I’ve been given this technology, how can I be expected to expend energy to move myself around anymore?” said disgruntled student Kevin Bayes. “Put foot to ground like — like some kind of animal? These kids are ruining things for everybody!”

The truth is, these people are not going to stop. They will keep touting the benefits of Razors, winning over more and more sheeple with talk of saving the environment, exercise and childhood nostalgia. No, the only thing we civilized folk can do to save our scoots is to make sure they remain profitable for the companies behind them.

So next time you want to get your mail, be sure to hop on a Lime. Walking your dog?

Do it on a Bird. Use these scooters every chance you get — maybe even two, three at a time — whatever it takes. The survival of advanced society is in your hands, or rather, feet.

graphic by Conner Maggio

Cops surround a local Olive Garden as Brad Stix tries to get away.

graphic by Conner Maggio

Largest drug bust of 2019 at... Olive Garden??

The unlimited soup and salad deal is in fact too good to be true.

Brooke-Lyne Holland Addicted to the Sticks Have you wondered why your meals at Olive Garden have recently become so prohibitively expensive, even though you only ordered a salad and a water? Turns out you have been chowing down on illegal drugs disguised as olive oil and leafy greens.

The police were tipped off last Wednesday when a patron was reported chasing squirrels around a local Olive Garden after binge-eating the restaurant’s unlimited soup, salad and breadsticks special. After further investigation, a drug test and an uncomfortably long conversation about the history of nuts, the police concluded that the salad he ate was not what it seemed.

The Food and Drug Administration (FDA) was called in for further examination and determined that Olive Garden has been using illegal substances in a variety of their meals. Many ingredients, such as oregano and parsley, are suspected to have been substituted with cannabis.

After much speculation and questioning, the restaurant made a statement saying the reason for the substitutions was to “increase business” and “give the customers what they want.” Because recreational cannabis was illegal in many states, it became a delicacy and was hard to come by Because of this, Olive Garden decided to run an underground drug cartel.

The famous salad that is usually served before every meal has developed an irresistibly unique flavor that makes many patrons

reach for the salad tongs every time. Turns out the original mix featuring classic Italian herbs, such as oregano and parsley, was substituted with crushed cannabis leaves. No wonder people have been going through the breadsticks so fast — they had the munchies!

Ryan, a food enthusiast, suspected something was off when he always left with “feel-good vibes” after spending hours at a booth eating the soup and salad deal. “As I ate, I got hungrier, and could go through a whole bowl of salad and three breadstick baskets by myself.”

Ryan was not surprised to hear that the food had “special ingredients” added to his meals. He said he was always “baffled” at the “extreme prices” that the restaurant charged for each meal, claiming, “I’d come in with a set budget and leave with empty pockets.” But now that he knows what he was eating, he “sees where the prices came from.”

“We charged extra to cover the costs of the weed that was being put into the food,” commented Shane, the general manager at a local Olive Garden, after being asked about how they paid for the drugs. “The restaurant wasn’t just going to let them have it for free!”

The Olive Garden bust is so far the largest drug sting of 2019. Authorities are calling it a “major victory” in light of the recent Oklahoma “drug bust” that turned out to just be legal hemp instead of weed. Since the discovery of the illegal substitutions, Olive Garden has returned to their original recipes featuring methamphetamine and crack cocaine. New management guarantees that the food will be “just as addicting.”

Brennen’s bangin’ baking bench: college edition Move aside Mary Berry, millennial cooking is here to stay.

Brennen Gray Looking for Cooking Internship Since the millennials and gen Z’ers apparently exaggerate the financial impossibility of a four-year degree, it looks like it’s up to us to pick ourselves up by our bootstraps and make do. So when three jobs aren’t paying enough to buy normal people food, but you don’t want to spend $5,000 a year on a meal plan, the good ol’ college try is in order.

Nothing says poverty like a ramen-only diet, which college students live off. However, the ramen-only diet becomes a problem after a few months when all you can taste is salt and sadness.

To spruce up ramen, use beer instead of water. A good IPA should do the trick, but

for a weaker brew, a pilsner also blends well with ramen.

Next, add lard. Lard soaps work great once boiled. In the absence of these soaps, snag some fry oil from Chick-Fil-A before they throw it out for the day. Take home those fatty parts and boil them in with the soup.

is the heavenly combination of milk and, well, cereal. But since milk can be expensive when consumed every morning, the smart thing would be to replace it with water.

Since even off-brand cereal can damage the pocketbook, just pour sugar into the water. Cereal is more sugar than anything else, so why not?

“Nothing says poverty like a ramen-only diet.”

Finally, no ramen recipe is complete without Sriracha. However, since the condiment is so expensive, get off-brand sauce. Huy Fong is a classic, and those who know what they are doing will go with Polar for the authentic Thai taste. But this recipe calls for about two quarts of the good Walmart-brand hot sauce.

Moving on from Spicy Beer Lard Ramen, Dorm Cereal is a necessity. Normally, cereal

To grab the final ingredient to cap this baby off, sneak into the caf in the dead of night and steal some caf fruit. Just take it home and cut out the rotten bits. Most people should be able to salvage almost half of every piece of fruit.

Another important dish to make is the Dorm Room Casserole. There are two options of equipment for this one. Either a student has a microwave in their room, or

their roommate’s boyfriend got one as a high school graduation present.

Simply put some Sodexo to-go meals, bits of all the past year’s failed Friendsgiving potlucks and some vending machine snacks into a bowl and microwave it. Add some sour cream.

The final dish recommended for learning to cook in the dorm room is guaranteed to make reading this far worth it. The piece de resistance. The icing on the cake. Drumroll please!

Uncrustables. With ketchup. The smoothness of the ketchup and the creaminess of the peanut butter. The saltiness of the tears shed while eating it. There is no greater delicacy.

In conclusion, college students should have no more trouble feeding themselves despite their low wages and high debts if they just resort to these recipes. Bon appetit!