The Tufts Daily - Friday, April 1, 2022 (April Fools' Edition)

T H E N O - L O N G E R - T H E - S M A L L E S T- S C H O O L - W I T H - A - D A I L Y - N E W S P A P E R D A I L Y W E ’ R E C O M I N G F O R Y O U Y A L E

THE TUFTS Doofenshmirtz Evil, Inc.

VOLUME LIGMA, ISSUE one too many

DANVILLE, TRI- STATE AREA.

Jesus Christ announced for Solomont Speaker Series

by Aaron Klein

Executive Existentialist

The Jonathan M. Tisch College of Civic Life has announced the latest addition to its spring 2022 Susan and Alan Solomont Distinguished Speaker Series lineup: Jesus Christ. Christ is best known for His pivotal role in developing ideas and teachings that would go on to serve as the foundation for the Christian faith.

Dean of Tisch College Dayna Cunningham was excited when she was first presented with the idea of bringing Christ in as a speaker.

“I was having lunch with Alan, talking about potential speakers, when he brought up the idea of inviting Jesus,” Cunningham said. “I initially laughed, but when He looked back at me with stern eyes, I knew He was being serious and that there was something larger at play here.”

Solomont explained to Cunningham that he and Christ had worked together during the Obama administra-

tuftsdaily.com/HappyAprilFools

March 32nd, 2022

SCIENCE. a totally real section.

Student research examines impact of Dewick iced coffee on human digestive tract

by Madeline Mueller Coffee Connoisseur

COURTESY THE NEW TESTAMENT

Jesus Christ and Alan D. Solomont, A70, A08P, former U.S. ambassador to Spain and Andorra, are pictured hovering above Goddard Chapel in the year 2022 A.D. tion where Christ had served as an advisor on spiritual affairs.

“My main memory of working with Christ was His kindness,” Solomont said, speaking to the Daily. “I remember one specific time, I had just arrived back from Andorra and was on my way to debrief Barry, excuse me, President Obama.

I was a bit jet lagged from all the traveling and was not really

watching where I was walking when I bumped into Jesus.

When we collided, He dropped his lunch. I think it was corned beef and coleslaw on marble rye? Regardless, He dropped it, and as I was apologizing, He just reached His hand out, touched my shoulder, looked at see THE FATHER AND THE SON AND THE HOLY SPIRIT, page II

While Tufts students are generally satisfied with the array of options through Tufts Dining, adjusting to dining hall food has long been known to cause a little bit of … digestive discomfort. Dewick in particular has often left students wondering whether they are suffering from a physical, laxative effect or just psychosomatic pooping.

A new statistical analysis of a preliminary human subject trial finally offers proof that the problem is not just in our heads — it really is in our gut.

Senior BJ Buttrick had the chance to examine the issue after having copious spare time this semester during midterm season.

He took on organizing an experimental trial, recruiting a representative sample, collecting data and running multiple regressions.

“All in all, I’d say it took less time and effort than COMP 40 did,” he said of the commitment.

Aside from the premed student’s lifelong desire to be a gastroenterologist, it was personal experience that led Buttrick to test his theory about dining hall iced coffee.

“The Dewick iced coffee has always been something that feels explosive to drink,” Buttrick said. “After preparing for a colonoscopy recently, I realized it had almost the same effect as drinking that coffee. This led me to do rigorous research via Sidechat. When I saw such an overwhelming body of evidence, I was inspired to investigate.”

Buttrick was able to recruit a 160-person sample group to see GUTS, page dos

BREAKING: Pete Davidson to replace Monaco in 2023

by Aaron Gruen Jumbo the Dog

Pete Davidson, a heavily tattooed man-child, will succeed Anthony Monaco as the President of Tufts, according to confidential documents obtained by the Daily.

Davidson, whose high school superlative was “Most Likely to Date a Kardashian,“ will take over as president beginning in fall 2023.

Monaco, who announced his intentions to retire earlier this year, told the Daily, “I have no idea who Peter Davison is. Is he a TikTokker?”

Davidson, who is Ariana Grande’s ex-fiance, has never served as the president of a university.

“If it’s anything like dating former SNL hosts, I should be fine,” Davidson told the Daily.

Earlier this month, a search committee was assembled to begin scouting for potential candidates for president. The Daily obtained a list of finalists for the job, which included Elon Musk, Dobby the House Elf, Bert and/or Ernie, any of the Hemsworth brothers, and “the meanest SMFA kid you know.”

COURTESY KIM KARDASHIAN WEST

Daddies Tony, Petey and Ye-ey In an email to the Daily, the head of the search committee explained the rationale for selecting Davidson, writing, “He had that edgy vibe we were going for — plus, maybe this will get Harvard to take us seriously.”

Davidson has recently faced online scrutiny from Kanye “Ye” West since the comedian began dating Kimberly “Kim” Kardashian in October 2021. “UPON MY WIFE’S REQUEST PLEASE NOBODY DO

ANYTHING PHYSICAL TO SKETE IM GOING TO HANDLE THE SITUATION MYSELF,” the rapper said, nay exclaimed, in a social media post.

Upon hearing Davidson would become Tufts’ president, Ye reportedly purchased Zeta Beta Tau’s house so he could be closer to his ex-wife and their children. When reached for comment, Ye simply told the Daily to “find God.” We’re trying, Ye.

Though the university declined to share more details about their selecting Davidson, a member of TUSC who wished to remain anonymous told the Daily the decision was part of a long term plan to get Ye to headline Spring Fling.

“Ever since we had Ke$ha, Spring Fling just hasn’t been the same,” the source said. “We just desperately need an artist who will cater to the needs of incredi-

News / page this one

Arts / page mommy

SPORTS / back

Exclusive Never-Before-Seen Live In-Person Interview with Patrick Collins

The Daily is a movie

interesting, well-written piece

bly annoying people.”

TUSC initially planned to invite Britney Spears to perform, but decided that she was “too likable.”

Spears, who has “no idea” who Davidson is, declined to comment on this article.

When asked about his plans for the university, Davidson said he wanted to “smoke a fat joint with the sophomores outside Lewis” and “maybe try a Kindlevan smoothie.”

NEWS

}

FEATURES

^

ARTS & POP CULTURE

*

FUN & GAMES

&

OPINION

+

SPORTS

#

1+1

THE TUFTS DOOFENSHMIRTZ EVIL, INC. | NOOZ | March 32nd, 2022

THE TUFTS D OOF Alex

Dr. Doofenshmirtz

EDITORIAL Phoebe Vanessa

Peri Perry the Platypus

Sam Phineas

Kendall Candace

Elizabeth Stacy Courtney Chloe Bohl Executive Ethan Steinberg Editor Zoe Kava Deputy Ethan Steinberg Flora Meng Editors Emily “I’ll see you court” Thompson Aditya Acharya Coco Arcand Ethan Steinberg Editors Rebecca Barker Aaron Gruen Ella Kamm Sara Renkert Anton Shenk Ethan Steinberg Michael Weiskopf Fernando Cervantes Assistant Ethan Steinberg Charlotte Chen Editors Claire Ferris Olivia Field Skyler Goldberg Tess Harmon Maddy Mueller Ariana Phillips Maddy Wilson

tuftsdingleberry.com

Jesus Christ to be the new superstar of Solomont Speaker Series

THE FATHER AND THE SON AND THE HOLY SPIRIT

continued from page I me with these entrancing eyes, and said that He forgave me. Real sweet guy.”

Solomont said that when he initially asked Christ to speak at Tufts, Christ was hesitant, but upon further conversation, He ultimately agreed. “Jesus doesn’t make many public appearances anymore, you know?” Solomont said.

“He had His big resurrection back in 33, but since then, He’s really tried to keep a low profile.”

The event is being co-sponsored by the University Chaplaincy. Rabbi Naftali Brawer, Jewish chaplain, was initially

uncertain about bringing Christ in to speak but has since turned to support the idea.

“I don’t think He’s the Messiah,” Brawer said, “but I’m glad that He’s coming in to talk with the students. I think it’s a very unique opportunity.”

The event will include a discussion of Christ’s new autobiography, “Me, Myself the Martyr: What the Good Book Never Told You,” and each attendee will receive a free signed copy. Water will be served at the discussion, but those with valid ID can get it turned to wine.

Warren S. Woodbridge Professor in Comparative Religions, Heather Curtis,

is one of many eager to read Christ’s new text. “I’m incredibly excited!”

Curtis said. “I hear that there’s some juicy new details about Jesus and Mary Magdalene.”

Everyone at Tisch College and the University Chaplaincy is hard at work preparing for Christ’s campus arrival on Sunday, April 17 in Goddard Chapel.

“I think it’s going to be a really special event,” Cunningham said. “All of us here at Tisch College have been working hard to prepare for Mr. Christ’s coming and to ensure that everything runs smoothly. I really think we’re going to nail it.”

Tufts students shit all over — and from — Dewick coffee

Delanefeet Clarke Executive Feet Editor JuanfeJuanfeeta Asapokfeet Feet Editors Amheelia Beckfeet Metamarksal bone Choi Chris Dunfeet Saya Amelfeet Hajebfeet Assistant Feet Editors

Sock Dieringfeet Sockphie Wax Kaitfeet Wells

Ma Hag Your Mom’s Executive fArts

Jacked Clitorisy Oeditor Emommy Wenchstrup fArts Oeditors Sadlie Lactate Mother Megan SzoSTACKED YOURnatan MOMalit Childette Smom Geoffrassy Mommia Jr Eliamamma Lester RearAnn Bussy Harry Chandobussy ASSistaint fArts Oeditors: Siatitty Rabussy Carnt Svabussy Fig Shen Li Thijssen Executive Fruits Editor Eggplant Buehl Opinion Editors

Grape Luca Di Leonardo Strawberry Kessel Raspberry Kumar

Isaac Karp General Manager

Matt Chen NARPs David Cooperman Oliver Fox Ethan Grubelich Aiden Herrod Emma Joyce Ananda Kao (ARP) Sruthi Kocherlakota Keila McCabe (ARP) Arnav Satechi Nicole Setow Brigitte Wilson Steven Landry Bench sitters Bharat Singh Timothy Valk Michael Wallace-Bruce Arielle Weinstein

Alex Viverso Better Editor-in-Chief MiNa Executive Photo Editors

KiaNa Na na na na, na na na na Hey-ee ay-ee ay-ee ay ay-ee ay-ee, hey Ian Shawty got low, low, Photo Editor low, low, low, low, low, low

GUTS

continued from page uno test the efficacy of different laxatives alongside the famed iced coffee blend.

One group drank magnesium citrate, commonly used for colonoscopy prep because of its ability to truly empty the colon. Another group drank Ducolax — a potent over-the-counter laxative — dissolved in water, while a third group simply drank Dewick iced coffee. A control group drank iced coffee from Dunkin’ to see if there truly was something special about Dewick.

After finishing their drinks, participants were provided with the opportunity to use the restroom at any time afterward. The time between consumption of each liquid and the time where

participants needed to make a strategic bathroom trip was recorded, as well as how long each participant spent in the bathroom. Afterwards, the weight of the contents of the toilet was carefully recorded.

“The mean time before a bathroom trip for the actual laxatives and the Dewick coffee did not vary in a statistically significant way,” Buttrick reported. “The confidence intervals overlapped; there’s no way to dismiss the hypothesis that Dewick iced coffee and high-grade laxatives have an equal effect in terms of speed in causing a bowel movement.”

More importantly, Dewick iced coffee caused behavior that was notably different from the Dunkin’ group.

Ty “not Tyler” Blitstein Executive Video Editor Aaron “puts the toilet seat Executive Audio Editor down after he pees” Klein

PRODUCTION Mac Ferb Mike Prince of Layout, Bane of Widows and Orphans Maddy Queen of Layout, Heiress to the Managing Board Throne Charlene Princess of Layout, Appender of Content Your local Michaels store Executive Graphics Editor Julia Super-Gorilla Executive Cougars Abigail Verycatcaller

Aedan Browneo Bay Cat Copy Cougars Emma Rawr Abigail Zebra Assistant Copy Cougars Snowphie Leopard-DorfKamienny Mirarbled Cat Fienberg Sarah Growlerstein CaroLion Vandis

BUSINESS Campbell Buford Joe LOMLhauer Web Manager Elise F’Amelio Fong Daily Lifestyle Influencers Sydni S’Amelio Spivy Hannah Hairy We want merch Emily Walk this Way

GRAPHIC BY CAMILLA SAMUEL

“The Dewick iced coffee had an average poop start time that was 20 minutes faster on average than iced coffee from standard retail stores,” Buttrick added.

“In some extreme cases, the entire defecation process was up to 10 minutes shorter than for typical iced coffee. We see both a faster start and a much faster finish — it is powerful stuff. We just don’t know exactly why.”

One thing that he would have done differently? Buttrick admits that the study design offers the potential for bias.

“One confounding factor is that a surprising amount of our Tufts student sample had IBS. Way more than the general population,” Buttrick said. “So it’s always possible that our students just poop more than other people.”

tuftsdingleberry.com

In a sudden and intense turn of events, two of Tufts’ newest and brightest clubs are set to square off in a bitter duel on the Reservoir Quad.

This past Saturday, Tufts Spikeball accused Tufts chess club of deflating their most pristine Spikeball supply. The supply was said to be hidden under the vending machine in the basement of

FEET ;)

What page is this? The world may never know...

3

WAAAAYYYY TOO LATE INTO MIDTERM SEASON

versity,”, chess club leader, Curtis Camelback said. “If we were going to sabotage another club, it would definitely be the gaming hub. What’s with everyone playing online chess these days? The OG board with a bro is where it’s at.”

Th e T u f t s G a m i n g H u b declined a request for an interview or comment.

When asked if the chess club had received this formal decree, Camelback was ambivalent in their response.

“Look, we’re very happy the Spikeball club has taken up such an obsession in chess, but we’re not showing up to any ‘duel’ or whatever they want to call it.”.

The Spikeball club insists that even if chess club ultimately does not show up for

the duel, that thebySam DeezNutz club willGrand Master proceed with ricocheting and catapulting dozens of chess pieces off Spikeball nets.

“First of all, they’re cowards if they no-show. Second, we’re still swatting the pieces like no tomorrow. This is a demonstration. A message to never deflate our balls,.”, Ballou said.

Tufts President Tony Monaco expressed his approval of the duel, and that it has potential to be one of the most exciting events to ever take place atTufts.

“This is exactly what we need coming out of a pandemic! Why didn’t we think of this before???

Aminé will be ok, sure, but THIS. THIS is where it is at.”

Tufts Spikeball and Chess Club to Square Off After Alleged Deflated Balls the new Joyce Cummings Center, a place where the Spikeball club believed “no soul could ever uncover besides that rightful ball wielder.”

The Spikeball club leader, Jarvis Ballou, believes that chess club is responsible for this “vile act” due to their long standing jealousy of Spikeball’s free moving gameplay.

“While they sit at their little boards moving pieces of wood back and forth, we fly through the air with ease and breeze,”, Ballou said.

When asked to respond to Spikeball club’s accusations, chess club repor ted they had no idea what they were talking about.

Despite chess club’s insistence of their innocence, Spikeball club has formally challenged the group to a duel on the Reservoir Quad. Ballou explained that this won’t be just any ordinary duel, and that the Spikeball club is preparing their most potent warriors for battle.

“The premise of the duel will be a combination of the worst aspects of chess with the best aspects of Spikeball,”, Ballou said. “The duel will be a game of Spikeball using the classic net and swatting and bouncing rules. However, because chess club deflated all of our most pristine balls, we’ll be using chess pieces instead. As we swat the chess pieces, ricocheting off the Spikeball nets, we will show the chess club and the world just how trivial the game of chess really is.”

“We’re just a humble little group trying to make it in the big uni-

MICHAEL WU GRAPHIC BY!

Over-enrollment part 3: Tufts to cut down student body by 78.3% In an effort to address the university’s ever-increasing undergraduate enrollment, the admissions office announced yesterday that all c u r - Invesitgator Choi rent Tufts By undergraduates are to resubmit their application to secure their spots at the university.

The application process for the current undergraduates will entail pledging allegiance to the Jumbo statue and attending a minimum of five university athletic events by the May 10 deadline. Tufts students are also to memorize the “Tufts Fight Song” and recite the song’s lyrics verbatim to enter any athletic competition, including the tournaments for the prestigious Tufts Tufflepuffs quidditch team.

“Tufts is a premier, student-centered liberal arts university and we

are committed to providing our students with a world-class undergraduate experience,” University President Anthony Monaco wrote in an email to the Daily. “Facing the chronic problem of over-enrollment, however, we have had to make a difficult, necessary choice to slash the undergraduate enrollment by 78.3% for the next school year.”

Citing that the university does not need any “traitors,” Monaco hopes to see Tufts students “eat, sleep, and breathe Brown and Blue” in the hopes of renewing and preserving the Tufts spirit.

“This year’s application process will help make Tufts a patriotic place again,” Monaco said as he teared up.

“T-U-F-T-S, T-U-F-T-S, Hurrah! Hurrah!

For dear old Brown and Blue!”

Echoing Monaco’s sentiment, the university administration added

that the university will now require all Tufts undergraduates to submit a five-page essay on the greatness of Chairman Monaco’s leadership and his natural beauty. Undergraduates at the BFA or 5-year combined degree program at the SMFA can submit an art portfolio in lieu of the essay.

J.T. Duck, dean of admissions, emphasized that the university will take the application process of the current undergraduates “very seriously,” and that “whoever fails to comply” will have to transfer and relocate to the Tufts UMass Medford/Somerville campus for the next two years, a regional branch of Tufts University slated to open this summer.

According to Duck, the Tufts UMass Medford/Somerville campus will be located conveniently on the Vouté Tennis Courts which

BY

N DELA

EFEE

A T CL

RKE

has been repurposed to house the community members who test positive for COVID-19, also known as “The Mods.”In addition to The Mods, the M e d fo rd / Somerville campus will also include the Fletcher parking lot space as a part of its regional branch.

In light of the ongoing development, University officials sent an email on April 1st, detailing the plans for the Tufts UMass Medford/ Somerville branch.

“As the COVID-19 cases continue to fall at Tufts and nationwide, we can now upgrade our Mods, a world-class facility that has provided our community members with a five-star hotel experience,” the email read. “The university is halfway through renovating and updating The Mods which will create 1,500 new beds on campus, with the high-rise modular dorms that are in high demand. This is an exciting development for the Tufts community.”

Students enrolled at the UMass Medford/Somerville branch will take all their classes virtually over zoom, and they will also be exempt from the weekly COVID-19 testing program. The estimated cost of attendance for the UMass Medford/ Somerville branch, meanwhile, is

priced at $420,000 a year.

During his interview with the Daily, Supreme Leader Monaco further shared the latest and “exciting development” of the UMass Medford/Somerville branch.

“Over the spring break, the university has complete d building fences and walls around our world-class facilities, The Mods,” Monaco said. “This presents us with new space opportunities to strengthen the university’s position as a first-tier research university, while also addressing the over-enrollment issue as was planned originally.”

Moving forward, Monaco added that his worry is that the current undergraduates will practically “jump at the opportunity” to transfer to the UMass Medford/Somerville campus, as The Mods continue to attract more community members and prospective students. He still urged the current undergraduates to take this year’s application process seriously.

“And our glorious banner once again will wave o’er Tuftonia’s Day,” Monaco wrote. “T-U-F-T-S, T-U-F-T-S, Hurrah! Hurrah!”

4

44 March 32nd, 2022

Mommy’s fArts

4

4

44

4

4

4

https://www.linkedin.com/in/julia-shannon-grillo

i literally D.A.R.E. you to subscribe to the Daily’s newsletter at https://tuftsdaily.us20.list-manage.com/subscribe?u=7540224e4e4ddc1fb1194033c&id=c77d4f74c4

Missing Rembrandt seascape found in Dewick allergy-free closet

by Emmy Wenstrup

Obsessor of BuzzFeed Unsolved

Breaking news this morning as a missing Rembrandt was found in the allergy-free closet of DewickMacPhie Dining Center. The Rembrandt, which was the famous artist’s only seascape (it was literally his only seascape guys, like the only one he ever did) was brutally snatched from the Isabella Stewart Gardner Museum early on March 18, 1990.

After 32 years of searching the globe for the missing painting, it was found after local loser Emmy Wenstrup stumbled upon it while grabbing a quick snack from the nut-free closet of her local collegiate dining hall. “I just wanted a peanut- and shellfish-free granola bar,” she said of the event.

Rembrandt’s only seascape was found stashed away behind a box of 37-year-old Nutri-Grain bars that Wenstrup knocked down in her hunt for a better snack. The museum offered a 10 million dollar reward for any information leading to the return of the painting. Also found was the Napoleonic Eagle Finial, which is valued so low that they just told her to keep it. It now sits in her dorm room, next to three

Squishmallows and an Etsy replica of the nude woman statuette from “Fleabag” (2016–2019).

The treasured seascape, called “Christ in the Storm on the Sea of Galilee,” was the only seascape Rembrandt ever painted in his entire life. In other words, it was his only seascape. In a sea full of Rembrandt landscapes, “Christ in the Storm on the Sea of Galilee” stood out as the only seascape. I mean it guys, those bastards literally took his only seascape.

The heist has enjoyed a considerable resurgence in popular culture after the release of a melodramatic Netflix true crime docuseries about it. Not sure if you guys have seen it, but that shit will keep you up at night. Have you seen the pictures of the crime scene? Fucking haunting. They literally cut the paintings out of their frames! They walked straight into the Dutch Room, whipped out a boxcutter, saw the seascape, and mutilated it.

Did they know it was Rembrandt’s only seascape?

Though the thieves themselves remain at large, the heist has often been tied to the presence of the Italian mob operating in Boston at the time. Mafia affiliate Tony Monaco has been identified as

connected to the crime by offering to stash the painting in a super secret spot where it would be safe.

Speaking from his garden to voracious reporters on Prez Lawn, he exclaimed, “Who even goes in the allergy-free closet at DewickMacPhie Dining Center? Bunch of fucking narks, I guess.”

The discovery of the seascape (Rembrandt’s only one) has inspired authorities to search in other Tufts locales for the other missing works. The FBI has stated their cooperation with TUPD and has suggested that the upscale gender neutral bathrooms in Tisch, the Sex Health Reps’ condom bucket, and the entirety of Curtis Hall are next to be searched.

Though it was Rembrandt’s only seascape, one allergy-stricken student reported having seen the painting lurking before. The student, who chose to remain anonymous out of fear of the mob, said of the painting: “I thought it was just another tacky thing they use to decorate Dewick. I had no idea it was Rembrandt’s only seascape. Now that I know it was Rembrandt’s only seascape, I care very deeply about it because he only painted one seascape and the thieves took it from the museum so brutally.” The

importance of art history majors reveals itself.

The return of the painting will surely be quite the event for the bourgeois museum. For a city whose most significant events include a rowing race, a marathon, and, according to

the Museum of Science, a nightlife-altering Beyoncé planetarium show, Bostonians can be sure to expect lots of fanfare and excitement when the missing seascape is returned to its rightful home at the Isabella Stewart Gardner Museum.

marine blue foundation, having been recently recycled from the site’s previous tennis courts. Each mod features a door on each end, with multiple windows repetitively placed in parallel across their sides actively encouraging the diffusion of natural light within the structures. However, the ends of the three prisms do not line up, creating a dynamic perspective

the subject at hand. This clever visual implementation of repetition evokes memories of the day-to-day redundancy experienced by many throughout the pandemic. Thus, while serving as a convenient living space for those needing to isolate, The Mods also simultaneously represent the greater emotional and psychological impacts involved with living in

artists such as Donald Judd, who portrayed compositional autonomy in his mechanically produced, metal sculptures. Additionally, the heavy use of geometric abstraction to construct a living space dedicated to contemporary life resembles the buildings of modernist architects, such as Le Corbusier and his famous Villa Savoye in Poissy, France. As a result, The Mods

with a negative COVID-19 PCR test.

But at the same time, the work leaves viewers with a message of hope. The recycled space, once home to active tennis players and a site of leisure for many Tufts students, still retains its blue, concrete identity, even with the installation positioned on top of it. This sight of this ground, once bustling with activity, evokes themes of renewal, rebirth and life. In a nostalgic manner, The Mods reminds viewers that although the pandemic has permeated all facets of society and our ways of life, the spirit still perseveres. To be moved to modular housing is not a sentence, but rather a sign of change and evolution. In this regard, The Mods remain topical to their audience with their universal ideas and will continue to inspire change beyond the pandemic.

Although this latest art installation has undeniably resulted in widespread debate, discussion and even backlash within the Tufts community about how COVID-19 isolation should be approached, The Mods are sure to last the test of time. Regardless of the artist’s identity, the creation and widespread influence of the work has been forever cemented as a pivotal point in the history of Tufts University and even the world. To those with a closed approach to art who believe these three boxes are no more than metal cages, lacking any artistic identity, I encourage you to free your tiny mind from these constrained expectations.

As Maria Montessori once said, “Imagination does not become great until human beings, given the courage and the strength, use it to create.”

COURTESY EMOMMY WENCHSTRUP

The local hero, Tufts savior and Rembrandt recoverer, is pictured.

Minimalism takes center stage with ‘The Mods’

by Siavash Raissi

Mini Modular Master

Since the beginning of the COVID-19 pandemic, the risks of studying in person at Tufts University have never been more dire. For the past two years, a sense of foreboding has undeniably permeated the minds of Tufts’ students and the campus itself, indicative of the insecurities experienced by many as the current pandemic rages on.

These anxieties, fears and concerns are now being represented in the Tufts administration’s latest artistic endeavor, The Mods (2020– ), which was recently installed during summer 2020 on the Vouté Tennis Courts and Fletcher parking lot. Despite its impressive presence on campus, the architect of these three minimalist prisms remains unknown. Only three words on the side of Mod B, “Komplete – Modular Solutions,” give any clues towards determining the identity of the anonymous master behind the work. Yet despite the work’s geometric facets, The Mods make a powerful statement about the state of our world today. Their simplicity, yet depth of concept and material has left me, including countless other viewers, emotionally moved.

But not even the sight of tears being shed on Packard Avenue do justice to its immense beauty. Through their use of 1960s minimalist ideals and interactive elements, The Mods elicit a powerful message about the lasting impacts of the pandemic and their impacts on day-to-day living.

The Mods are primarily composed of three gray, rectangular prisms set on top of an aqua-

COURTESY SIATITTY RABUSSY, GRAPHIC ART BY MA HAG

Tufts installation, “The Mods” (2020–) is pictured. Manifest that you will pay a visit. for viewers as they view the work a cycle with no clear end in sight. encourages visitors to actively parfrom multiple angles walking up As abstract boxes with few, if any, ticipate in exploring minimalist Packard Avenue. In this regard, decorative architectural elements, ideas using its dorms and outdoor despite their perceived similari- The Mods appear to be heavily areas. The artist is sharing their ties, each mod remains distinct in influenced by the work of minimal- bold vision about architecture’s its contribution towards the total ist artists in the 1960s and ‘70s who evolution in the coming years. With composition of the space. Here, found inspiration in complete visu- the growing popularity of abstracthe artist emphasizes the work’s al abstraction. The three boxes, with tion in design, The Mods suggest repetitive elements without dis- their cold, geometric forms share that minimalism is an inherent part tracting the viewer’s attention on structural parallels with works by of life that one cannot escape, even

OUR EXEC BOARD AS ITTY BITTY BABIES

6

THE TUFTS DOOFENSHMIRTZ EVIL, INC. | Fun & Games & ADS | March 32nd, 2022

F& G & A

Fun & Games & ADS

https://mobile.twitter.com/em1lythomp2on

LATE NIGHT AT THE TUFTS DOOFENSHMIRTZ EVIL, INC. Caroline: “Nine percent acceptance rate is a little too low for this institution.”

SEARCHING FOR HEADLINES...

Commencement

2022

Save the Date SUNDAY, MAY 22, 2022 Visit our website at commencement.tufts.edu University Commencement Office 617-627-3636 commencement@tufts.edu Don’t forget to stop by the Commencement Fair at the Campus Center on April 7 during Senior Days, to pick up graduation announcements and other commencement-related information.

https://www.opagreekyeerossomerville.com/

OPA!

at least 2 March 32nd, 2022

by Idil Kolabas COVID-19 Kween

tel

Isolation at the ho

I

check my surroundings to find out that I am in a hotel and check the Tufts Student Portal to find out that I am COVID19 positive. People say I am one of the lucky ones, but they do not know my unconditional love for Dewick food.

No one knows that this was actually my devious plan all along: to get COVID-19 in order to get away from my forced triple. Back home in Hodgdon, I can use the top of my closet as a desk from atop my lofted bed thanks to the decision to make this room, which is smaller than a Hill Hall double, a triple! Now that I’ve contracted the nove l COVI D-19, I’ve been sent to live the lavish lifestyle of hotels and Uber Eats. What a great plan to solve t h e u n i v e r s i t y ’s housing issues!

B u t I n e v e r thought about the consequences. How w i l l I

make it through this isolation with Uber vouchers that grant me access to wonderful restaurants instead of the delicious Dewick food?

How will I make it until the end of quarantine with a private bathroom instead of the communal bathroom of our lovely floor?

I know some people don’t want to get COVID-19 and take precautions t h r o u g h w e a r ing masks, getting tested as frequently as they can, and, social, distancing. I respect their decision. But like the world-ren o w n e d e x p e r t and philosopher — Vanessa Hudgens — said, and I quote, “Even if everybody gets it, like yeah, people are going to die, which is terrible … but inevitable?”

While I was packing my stuff to leave for the hotel, I put all of the books I wanted to read that I did not have time for in the suitcase. What bet-

ter time to actually do work than isolation!

I knew that it would be the best time since I had aallllll of the time in the world and I was going to be bored out of my mind. “I will have nothing to do,” I thought. “I’ll definitely want to read all of those books.

I will be so grateful to have had this experience and opportunity by the end of my isolation period.”

What I did not k n ow, h ow e v e r, was that the only o p p o r t u n i t i e s I explored were the productive intellectual endeavors o f w a t c h i n g i Ca r l y, Big Time Rush, and, V i c t o r i o u s a l l d a y.

Yo u m i g h t s a y t h a t I at least had a g o o d n i g h t ’s s l e e p, b u t n o. To o Ho t To Handle was just too tempting not to watch.

A l s o, w h e n I was constructing my master plan to be sent to the hotel, no one told me about how The Mods were a better

matchmaker than th e Tu fts Ma r r i a g e Pact! If only I had known about The Mod parties, the people who found the loves of their lives, or the love of their nights, b o n d e d t h r o u g h their shared values of partying at any cost. Maybe I could have timed the execution of my plan so that I would be one of these lucky o ne s.

So m e t h i n g to look forward to for the next time, I guess.

As I was preparing to leave the hotel after finally receiving a negative test, on the 6 , 7 8 9 , 9 8 7 , 6 5 4 t h day, I could see the wrinkles and blemishes on my face, and had an utter desire to call my grandchildren and tell them that I was finally out and ready to watch their lives unfold.

The campus itself was eerie and lonely with everyone already having left for spring break.

The theme song of “The Good, The

Bad, and The Ugly” was playing in one of the dorm rooms and there were tumbleweeds flying around in the streets.

With the glorious Dewick and Carmichael Dining Centers closed, I was left to starve in this ghost town of a campus.

I s u c c e s s f u l l y completed my plan of living through the luxurious isolation in the hotel experience, but at what cost?

If Tufts administration follows through with their p r o p o s e d d e c i sion to lift the mask mandate and to make testing optional, my heart soars with the knowledge that my fellow classmates will get to share such an unforgettable experience like mine. Not only can we enjoy the sweet respite from stressful class schedules, but we can finally live in spacious rooms, free of mold, cockroaches, and the trials and tr ibulations of overcrowding.

All these l u x u r i e s f o r t h e low, low cost of a few days (or maybe a f e w years) of sickness.

GRAPHIC BY MICHAEL WOOHOO!!!!

8

SPROTS

https://www.bostonglobe.com/2022/03/30/metro/somerville-orthodontist-landlord-sues-tufts-student-journalists-over-story-renters-protest/

Sports culture thriving at Tufts, ranks top 25 most fun colleges in America

COURTESY TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS

The goat throwing the ol' pigskin.

Aiden Herrod The Intangibles

This has likely been the craziest offseason in NFL history. rWe’ve seen big-name qua p swa s iver terbacks and rece uls rha ove ive ens def s, team in from contending teams ft dra of ton tric me a and need, sift To ds. picks trading han through all the chaos, I’m pro will t tha e guid viding a helpful break down some of the offseason’s most impactful moves and what they will mean for the upcoming 2022 season.

Seahawks acquire Drew Lock Finally, Seattle finds their In franchise quarterback. s team pe, sca today’s NFL land with d mu the in k stuc n ofte are r, alle al-c sign out a premium and Seattle’s acquisition of the former Broncos gunslinger will “lock” down the position for s years to come. Lock provide erlead cy, ura acc m miu pre t ship, and rapping abilities tha the und aro turn ly ant inst will at roster and locker room. Wh y awa ing trad ng doi was ver Den team ir the of e such a core piec y is something I’ll never trul ’s team one understand, but blunder is another’s profit.

Commanders commit to tanking for draft capital Washington’s offseason has been one with an eye towards of the future. Their acquisition rter qua les Eag and ts Col er form e mov a was tz back Carson Wen ng with a keen focus on losi in on seas 2 202 games during the t draf -five top a ring secu of es hop e, trad the ing pick. Upon mak d Colts owner Jim Irsay lamente allal-c sign the his distaste for er, mentioning he went over the ’s $10 spending limit at the team he that ing add and ta San ret Sec consistently spoiled the Wordle to teammates.

Browns acquire a controversy-free, fan-favorite superstar The Cleveland Browns decidet ed to keep their offseason qui e chis fran und and build aro in field May er Bak k bac rter qua hopes of pushing for a playoff spot in 2022. Their acquisition of former Cowboys receiver ve Amari Cooper is a smart mo k bac rter qua r thei that will give fana re futu and t sen pre the of stastic weapon to boost the pas no e mad wns Bro The e. gam ing g other moves of note, keepin and rts hea r thei in fans r thei minds by remaining uncontroversial and respectable with their offseason decisions.

Chiefs take massive strides to boost their Gen-Z appeal Kansas City is a forward r thinking organization, and thei ves mo on eas offs nt rece st mo g have been all about polishin ergen new the for ge ima r thei ation of football fans. By trad ek Tyre iver rece star y awa ing Hill and elevating new acquisi the to ster chu th-S Smi JuJu tion #1 passing option, Kansas City r is clearly looking to boost thei with JuJu ing pair TikTok clout. By resident TikTok expert Jackson Mahomes, brother of quarter back Patrick Mahomes, Kansas ial City should have the best soc media presence in the league.

Aiden Herrod is a senior studying film and media studies. Aiden can be reached at aiden.herrod@tufts.edu.

Breaking Down the NFL’s Crazy Offseason

After ye

by Isaac Karp sporting ars of poor atten ev d Execuive Sports Editor and a gen ents, alcohol-free ance at from N E eral lack o ta it comes f enthusia ilgates through RDS refused to co to mmunica sm when anything te dent bod having fun amon The divid g the stu- saging forum. In but the Piazza m y, Tufts h e as laid o syear plan e ss a re e nonathlete e between the ath n c worr ied e, the NE ut a two to increase lete so R th - sport spirit. Th sports cu s, studen at by champio DS boiling poin n campus has rea s and is lt ning th ched a ts will ign t that ma President effort is likely in ure and demic e pro ny fe ore re sp T the Men’s ony Monaco’s glory ired by reputa sponsibilities and their aca- camp sperous commu ar will ruin tion will th n w u falter. “U e school’s tiate s. The two parties ity on Tufts Universit ater polo team at days on World .

R y. Mona .S P tr e ri N . ied to p n E o N c R rt e e D ton ws & a will co down fro bout oxfo S arrived early, c negom his pre , who’s stepping we have to offer have a field day. rd huckle c A is our ferv semester, om ll posed si or for inte made the dency after this lectual curious a two-ho mas, and then p d p move by lu rola lo r re y ng-term fu to presentati cussion a p bout the wn hall-style disves said. lness,” NERDS the youth ushing for a “good legacy is h In su u d es. The response dled to s, to sent to th ” as he put in an time for dent-a ning Bud gether, took turns athletes thlete gro this backlash, st e Daily. email he shotgunL ig h u ts u ps , a started th Howeve eir own c on campus have NERDS to a bo nd then challeng the admin r, not everyone ed x a in in m g their la g match. sides ultim p s ck of rep aign highlightThe two ately did as some istration’s shift in upports respec a re g n se re o ement. t ntation a t come to st a nd tional an udents prefer th ttitude, spoken on campus. The an In a e d job-lik o m Tufts Un e atmos educa- Justice f these groups, S ost out- betw n effort to appe p iv w ee tudents fo ase relati Ne w E ersity. Students here of of most hen Partying (SJP ons r has d n the two faction ) is du fr e Developm c a ti o n a l Re s p om the has de of the athletic tea made up ger h cided to announce s, the Daily c o n s ib il it e n t So c y matte ided to remain n ms. Squash pag ide the sports sec it will no lonTufts are ie eu ti r. e, especially ty (NERDS) a t ions d SJP believes tha tral on the the a move that will on on the last changing frustrated t their o eserve to help to b g a w p p a it ra b h e d th tw ig p b e we a m of ca ture. Whe ll collecti e heard. “Just bec in- and SJP an een groups like N ridge mpus cu n asked d au ve l- ics d E by the D their spec oesn’t me ly major in econ se some of the teach each side RDS ail ific objec ir respecti an we sh om- re a bout tions, spo y about tled,” ading a ould b ve inte one re kespeople remain an p from SJP who e belit- whethe nd sports. Only ti rests, like prefers to r th me onymous said. decision e university made will tell in prioriti th zing athle e right academic s. tics over

EXPOSED: Walk Sign is on Guys are suffering under Tufts’ regime The Sanitation Scorers Of all the characters who grace Tufts’ campus, Tiny Monocle and Idah (God Save our Queen) stand second and third to the man who governs more of Tufts students’ lives than anyone else. Any computer science student or gym bro (mutually exclusive groups of course) or probably student athletes—but I don’t know I’ve never talked to one cuz I’m a narp—can identify their one and only overlord as the WALK SIGN IS ON voice that tells us when we can cross the street.

Most students don’t know that inside those big boxes with lights are two small men with big voices who must bellow in unison every 420 seconds for exactly 6 seconds to allow students to cross the street. The Tufts Daily sat down with both of them to get their perspectives on student life at Tufts.

Tufts Daily (TD): Thank you so much for taking the time to sit down with— Walk Sign Is On Guy 1 (WSIOG 1): Wait.

Wait.

Wait.

TD: Oh sorry about that. Is everything okay?

WSIOG 2: Wait.

Wait.

Wait.

TD: Anyhow, getting back to the topic at hand, what do you make of the campus climate at Tufts?

WSIOG 2: WALK SIGN IS ON. TD: Hmm… I totally understand that. Tufts students seem really nice at first but then you see them absolutely destroying some random girl on Instagram just for having friends who love her. On another note, what’s your take on the slap? Who do you think is right?

WSIOG 1: WALK SIGN IS ON. WSIOG 2: WALK SIGN IS ON. TD: Oh my… I’m so sorry to hear about that disagreement. That must really get in the way of your relationship. How does it feel to only be able to speak for a few minutes each day?

WSIOG 1: WALK SIGN IS ON. TD: Does it give you joy to make people late to class?

WSIOG 1: Wait.

Wait.

Wait.

TD: Is there anything else going on in those heads of yours?

WSIOG 1: Wait.

Wait.

Wait.

TD: Don’t you ever feel like your life is worth a little more than this?

WSIOG 1: Wait.

Wait.

Wait.

TD: Do you have anything to add, Guy 2?

WSIOG 2: WALK SIGN? TD: What was that?

WSIOG 2: WA-Wasn’t it Johann Wolfgang von Goethe who once said “None are more hopelessly enslaved than those who falsely believe they are free?” What then, dear student, is the difference between me and you. I know my place is within this small box and I do my work diligently. I neither huff nor puff when the boss, which is to say Chairman Aubry as shadow president, instructs me that the time has once again come for me to bellow out my call. I say the words cleanly, clearly so that no one may have any doubt as to whether or not the walk sign is on. And you, dear student, you think that you have some choice over whether to heed my call but just think what would come of you if you disobeyed me. You think yourself free, but you can be no freer than I from my small perch in my beautiful box.

WSIOG 1: WALK SIGN.

Inter What is this article about?

s

That’s one secret I’ll never tell.

BY CAMILLA SAMUEL

Since Zlatan Ibrahimovic signed for L.A Galaxy in 2018, Major League Soccer has never been the same.

After a season at Manchester United, many believed the then 36-year-old was closing the curtains on an illustrious career, but the Swedish forward was far from finished.

Within minutes of his debut, Zlatan struck