The Tufts Daily - Monday, April 1, 2024 (April Fools)

The Tuf T s Delulu

Tufts announced its acceptance of one student to the Class of 2028 this past monday. The acceptance rate marks the lowest in university history.

The admissions office evaluated more than 34,000 applications before making their decision.

“Each year, we at the Tufts admissions office find ourselves faced with a monumental task,”

wrote. “The one thing I will say, though, is that Greg has a killer head of hair.”

Associate Director of Admissions Sean Ashburn shared a similar sentiment.

“It’s always hard, these decisions,” Ashburn said. “But my God does that kid have a good head of hair.”

Historically, hair has played a relatively minor role in university proceedings and was most notably absent with the recent

“I think it’s a good thing, this new level of selectiveness,” Shmarty said. “I really do. The more selective the better. It should really shoot us up in the U.S. News ranks. They accepted one kid, yeah? So what does that make our acceptance rate now? One … no … point zero, or … you do the math, but it’s certainly less than Harvard.”

Still, some students have reservations.

Jared O’Hare, bald, thinks the

Dean of Admissions JT Duck wrote in a post. “Narrowing tens of thousands of applications down to a mighty few is never easy, and it is a process for which we take great care and dedicate significant time. It is with acknowledgement of this time spent that I can say this year’s class is truly special.”

Women comprise 0% of the admitted class, a slight decrease from last year’s 56%, while men make up 100%. An additional 0% identify as non-binary, genderqueer or chose not to specify a gender identity.

The university identified the newly admitted student as Greg.

“Greg is a great kid,” Duck wrote. “We think he will be a great addition to the Tufts community.”

In an email to the Daily, Duck elaborated on the decision-making process behind Greg’s admission.

“As Dean of Admissions, Ialong with all other members of the admissions team - am not at liberty to share details of specific student applications or provide significant insight into our admissions process,” Duck

appointment of University President Sunil Kumar.

Kumar congratulated the newly admitted class in a Tuesday email to the Tufts community.

“I am deeply excited by this new class,” Kumar wrote. “It is wonderful seeing what type of student will be joining us on the Hill this fall, and I am particularly excited by this year’s class. This was our most selective year in university history. Having so many qualified applicants is truly a testament to our school’s continued commitment to academic excellence, and I know the competition for admission was steep this year. But the outcome makes sense. I hear that Greg has a tremendous head of hair.”

Kumar continued that he hopes to be able to feel Greg’s luscious locks someday and touch it with his fingers.

“I am sure that it is very soft,” Kumar wrote, “and very well-conditioned.”

Student reaction to the incoming class has been largely positive.

Kim Shmarty, a senior, is a fan of the school’s more rigorous approach toward admissions.

university’s increasing selectiveness may be the beginning of a dangerous trend.

“I don’t like it,” O’Hare said. “We need more balds.”

While campus is buzzing in anticipation of the new class’s arrival, that arrival may not be guaranteed.

“Oh yeah. I remember Tufts,” Greg said during a phone call with the Daily. “In Connecticut, right? I think I got in there. I do like Connecticut, so I’d say I’m considering. A lot of other offers though. A lot of other offers.”

“We are just so excited to welcome the Class of 2028 to Tufts next year,” Duck wrote. “All that this class will bring to our little light on the Hill. All that his future holds. It is a class full of talent, intelligence, wit and compassion. It is a class that, from what I can tell, uses very little product, and when he does, ensures that it is free of harmful sulfates and parabens. It is a class that you could only find at Tufts. Truly a class that is one in 34,000.”

Accepted student has until April 1 (today!) to accept his offer of admission.

dorms in Carmichael Hall saw an uptick following spring break. In a statement released this past weekend by the university, it was revealed that Carmichael Hall’s recent plague of rodent infesta tion has persisted, evolving into a flourishing population in the basement of the resident hall. decreased towards the end of February,” read a report released by the university this past week, “after further investigation, we have reached the conclusion that the rodents in Carm have estab lished permanent residence in the basement, with evidence pointing towards the possibili ty that they have achieved sen tience. We have observed the execution of advanced urban planning by these rodents as well as evidence of artwork and the proliferation of a local rat cul ture.”

rodents had begun to tag the walls with artwork and other tion reading “ME.” while another

These recent discoveries have complicated tufts university’s

In response to questions sent ed in an email: “While we have worked tirelessly in the past to resolve infestation concerns, we cannot overlook the ethical implications of such continued standing of the situation and we

In a statement to the daily, a rat representative insisted that the rat population will resist all

Exterminators sent in to further assess the conditions of the basement reported that the

THIS IS GREG. EVERYONE SAY HI TO GREG. GRAPHIC BY GREG (NAH ITS DALL-E)

Last night, law abiding citizens were met with a shocking appearance at the Kappa Sigma Ligma House. According to student reports, sitting behind the hastily-constructed DJ Booth, was Tufts University President Sunil Kumar. In an email to the wider community, Tufts administration announced the newly-elected president would face severe disciplinary action for “cooking up” electric beats at a student gathering.

Many of the students who were consuming “non-alcoholic” beverages could not believe their eyes, thinking they were “bugging” until they realized it was the one and only PRESIDENT Kumar.

“I don’t go by President Sunil, it’s DJ KNEEL in the house,” DJ Kneel said. “It’s so over for me bro you don’t understand. The administration found out about my DJ side gig, don’t trust snitches, they get stitches … Some background to the name, they call me DJ Kneel, the way I be making them feel with my music.”

Students stood in shock at witnessing the new university president amongst the frays

of intoxicated party-goers. DJ Kneel has had a history of attending nighttime functions uninvited.

“Bro I’m telling you, when I saw Kneel I could not believe my eyes, I thought I was tweaking,” an innocent bystander said. “His beats were lit, but he kept making rhymes that made no sense. I’m telling you he’s not real bro.”

The party, beginning around 10:00 p.m., was shut down by the TUPD shortly after midnight due to noise complaints. DJ Kneel will now be facing administrative action, subject to 10 hours of mandatory ResLife substance-related training and repentance.

“I don’t get why the administration doesn’t trust me and bang our heads to my beats,” DJ Kneel said. “Instead, they’re being feds - they should be in bed while I make this bread.”

“If administration got involved, that’s how you know last night was a movie, the way it was groovy,” DJ Kneel said. “Some opps were tweaking cuz I left them squeaking from thrill on the Hill.”

Word has quickly spread of DJ Kneel’s musical prowess, causing outrage and condemnation of his administrative punishment.

“I just think it’s such a shame, wasted potential hon-

icance of metaphors look forward to continuing to be irritating prudes.

estly. It’s not everyday you see up and coming music stars,” a Tufts University Social Collective representative said. “We’re going to talk to the administration about it and get to the bottom of this. We were heavily considering DJ Kneel headlining Spring Fling next year, and this will force us to reconsider our options.”

“That’s whats up, tell ya administration to free ya boy out of suspension,” DJ Kneel said. “They got me tied up cuz they jealous of me and wanna be like me, but they can’t. They always telling me ‘another one,’ but there won’t be ‘another one’ without your help.”

Tufts.

On Friday, the Department of English announced that its Fall 2024 classes will have less overt sexual innuendos, particularly phallic references. This change comes after the Department has noticed an influx of students giggling and making eye contact with each other during several professors’ graphic descriptions of penises and sexual intercourse during lectures.

“We have inserted a modification in the way we designed our English classes,” an email to the English majors e-list said. “From now on, we are making an initiative to thrust ourselves away from discussions surrounding genitalia and into more fluid topics.”

Many students have welcomed this new initiative. These really fucking annoying and immature students who can’t seem to grasp the signif-

“I mean, talking about dicks all the time is actually really fucking weird if you think about it.” Johnson Cox, a junior majoring in English and International Literary and Visual Studies, told the Daily. “Like, imagine if we just didn’t do that.”

Nace Grelson, a sophomore majoring in English and star of the English Society’s Instagram reels, agrees that these phallic discussions are unnecessary, but admits to being disappointed by the shift. Grelson believes that these conversations contribute to an intellectually playful climate at

“Do we need to constantly talk about penises? No,” Grelson said. “But like, it’s so silly and goofy. Why not say the sword fight in Romeo and Juliet is a metaphor for gay sex? Who the fuck cares? It’s funny.”

However, the announcement is not without criticism. Some faculty members believe that phallic symbolism is quintessential to literary study, a sentiment they exemplify in literally all of their classes. Professor Joelee Edelvak, who incorporates Freudian psychosexual theory into many of his lectures, is upset by this new movement.

“Are we just supposed to ignore the phallogocentrism in every piece of media, in all of our lives?” Edelvak said. “The phallic use of weaponry! The ocular prosthesis of the camera in film! The

male gaze is everywhere and it dominates all of us! Pedagogy is fucked!”

While the days of incessant phallic discourse may be numbered, the quest for a deeper literary understanding is just beginning. Previously only engineering classes were a safe space from the influence of Big Sex, but by adding English classes to this list, there is more room for equity and freedom of thought on the Tufts campus.

Mhatthieuh Suageh

Channuhn

Mhurpfee

Eanughh Phatteigh

Kharleigh Khoehun

Istell EanDurson

Klowee Courtknee

Bowl

Almur Yough

Rhebhecuh Bharriee

Cemanthuh Ang

Miycull Ohnyschko

Ncikolaus Pfrauthe

Uhmahnee Jhetleigh

Dhuroovieee Mhetuh

NEA- TURES:

YOU CAN TELL ITS THE BEST SECTION BECAUSE OF THE WAY IT IS

Chris and Jack’s UNAUTHORIZED Davez $andwich Guide

Greetings fellow Jumbos,

Let us set the stage for all of you: On a brisk Wednesday afternoon, after being enlightened by Professor Vesal Dini’s morning lecture on mechanical physics, we hoped to satiate our creative appetite with nothing else but a Dave’s Fresh Pasta sandwich. Having been to this establishment countless times before, we believed that a Dave’s sandwich would be the perfect meal to not only have at a nice picnic but to also let Newton’s Laws of Physics properly marinate in our minds. As soon as the clock hit 11:45 a.m., we excitedly got up out of our seats and said “Oh boy! Let’s go get our sandwiches!” Well maybe not exactly those exact words. We were hype though.

As soon as we walked in, we were immediately greeted by the homey, local market that is DFP and its magnificent chalkboard listing of all Dave’s handcrafted sandwiches. Along with some friends that joined us for this momentous journey, we proudly walked up to the counter, ordered our “go to” sandwiches to go and patiently waited as our sandwiches were being prepared.

Along with the rest of our friends, we sat on the baseball field on Holland Street and were ready to feast. After having taken the first couple heavenly, mouth-watering bites of our sandwich, a dog who might have gotten a little jealous of us and our sandwiches trotted on over and tried to take a big bite of one of our friends’ sandwiches.

After playing around with him and trying to find his owner in the park, we realized that this dog was actually lost and he just so happened to stumble upon what would eventually become the official Sandwich Committee. We had no idea where he came from, but we were united together because of one common trait: our love for a good sandwich. Morty, the happy, sandwich-loving dog, was fortunately reunited with his owner after we contacted them from his dog tag, and it was truly a miracle that we were able to help someone else who loved sandwiches as much as us.

The next couple of weeks of DFP trips certainly did not have the same excitement that we had when we met Morty. The tasty, typical sandwiches that we always ate had become mundane and boring. The great and productive conversations we engaged in had twisted into cruel banter and critiquing others’ sandwich taste. It was clear that the exciting, optimistic flare that was present during our first trip was just not there anymore.

That’s when the perfect idea struck us! Morty’s excitement to have a bite of a DFP sandwich made us realize how special these sandwiches actually were. So if we were to always be excited to have a bite of a fresh Dave’s sandwich, we needed to have a new experience every week! And that’s when our purpose became clear. We set ourselves on what would be a yearlong adventure to try every single sandwich at Dave’s Fresh Pasta.Yes. Every. Single. Sandwich.

“I had never met such admirable young men tackle such an incredible challenge.” said Dave Himself in a 60 Minutes Special on Dave’s Fresh Pasta.

“Truly these two remarkable lads [Chris

and Jack] have the mental fortitude and the consistency to try all of our sandwiches. I don’t even know if I ever met someone as excited to eat some sandwiches as these two!”

And thus, the Dave’s Fresh Pasta Sandwich Committee was born. Like the perfect ingredients of a sandwich being put inside two delicious slices of bread, the members of the DFPSC would gather every Wednesday afternoon to try a new DFP sandwich. In truth, the DFPSC was really just the two of us. However! To maintain the integrity of inviting friends to join us, we brought new guests for each DFP trip. If we could have more people contribute to our reviews and also introduce Dave’s to people who had never been there before, we saw that as a double win.

“I always thought it was a pasta place ... and I would walk past it and be like, why is there such a huge pasta store? And I never went in because I can just get pasta at the supermarket.” said Esteemed Sandwich Guest and Call of Duty Zombies Legend George McGurkin. “I learned that Dave’s Fresh Pasta does not only have [just] pasta, and then when we got in there, [I was] captivated by the menu because it’s so grand and diverse, and there are so many options.”

Our guests were always encouraged to pursue their own sandwich goals and enjoy whatever sandwich piqued their interest. We certainly had some frequent returning guests and those people were very excited to pick their favorite sandwiches.

“I stick with a particular sandwich, you know, the chicken pesto one. I don’t see any reason to switch up on it. I’m really drawn by the quality so far ... but especially the pesto one has kept me coming back. ... Dave’s does it better than almost any other place.” said Sandwich Sage and Overall Great Guy Malcolm Berkley.

While we had many debates about the objective ranking of Dave’s sandwiches, the two of us had great trouble with deciding an aggregate list together. Trying so many different sandwiches obviously comes with very differing opinions. Unfortunately, one person clearly has better taste than the other.

Therefore, we will say some individual thoughts below:

Chris: First of all, I had never been more disgusted to sit across from Jack who literally removed the pickles and onions off of several of his sandwiches. Not until he was properly called out for this heinous behavior did he actually change his ways. Unbelievable. I also have this man on the record saying that pickles don’t belong on a sandwich. Anyways, when I didn’t have to deal with Jack’s garbage sandwich opinions, I think that most of the DFP sandwiches were really good and particularly the ones that were creamy or spicy appealed to me the most. The ones that I didn’t prefer were definitely the simpler sandwiches like the Beef and Boursin. It was definitely tough to try and accurately rate all of the sandwiches but I’m proud we were able to accomplish this feat.

Jack: If I could describe the past 7 months of sandwich tasting, I would say it was great. Every Wednesday was the highlight of my week. I’d have a long

class and then I’d get to have a fantastic lunch with all my friends. We would have a great conversation. Such a great experience. This is definitely something I will remember for years.

I love all my friends so much. They are intelligent, sociable and humble individuals. SIKE. Well half sike. All of the guests were fantastic. The other host, whose name will remain anonymous, was an utter shit stick. Imagine that kiss-ass kid in highschool whose sole purpose was to aggravate you, and then multiply that by 50. He doesn’t brush his teeth, has a deplorable ego and possibly has the worst taste I have ever seen. For reference, he told me his favorite food of all time was DewickMacPhie Dining Center chicken tenders. Following this, he has consistently given poor sandwich reviews solely because he doesn’t like cheese. He said blue cheese tastes like dog water. Hated asiago because it was too strong. He didn’t even enjoy boursin. Can anyone actually trust this conniving rat? No. The answer is no. The answer will always be no. In 50 years, we will look at his accomplishments, be impressed by his professional growth, but be shocked to hear all he still eats is fucking tuna salad sandwiches, the Smoky Spicy Turkey at Dave’s and chicken tenders. I also would not be shocked to hear that he is a Scientologist. This I believe solely because he is a baby-back bitch.

When asked about the strange relationship between the two leaders of the DFPSC, Sandwich Researcher and Associate Sandwich Committee Member Lucas Maley was conclusive that this hatred was due to the fact that they had to tolerate each other for so

long when rating all of the DFP sandwiches.

“I think it’s a natural consequence of the situation. ... But when you’re a semester and a half into rating all the sandwiches at Dave’s these things start to evolve. I do think the sexual tension could be toned down a bit. I think that is not a natural consequence of rating every sandwich at your favorite deli.” said Maley.

Despite our differences, we did work together to accomplish this common goal. The day we had our final DFP sandwich (it was the Italian, a truly incredible sandwich), tears were shed when the momentous journey finally came to a close. As we input our last rating into our personal google spreadsheet, the sun shined a little brighter that day knowing that the knowledge of the DFPSC was to be used for good.

For those who would doubt our methods and whether we actually tried every single sandwich at DFP, we can confirm the existence of a Master Spreadsheet detailing all of our findings from each sandwich we tasted. In fact, we hope that we can use this Master Spreadsheet to guide others when choosing a sandwich to eat at Dave’s.

“I will say that something I truly believe is the inherent good of humanity and mankind. I think man is not born with sin. And for that reason I am not inclined to believe that two handsome looking strangers [the Dave’s Fresh Pasta Sandwich Committee] would purposely mislead a fellow human in their quest to acquire the best sandwich at the deli.” said McGurkin when asked about showing the Master Spreadsheet to others. “I will say the added element

of the spreadsheet could potentially signal all the hard work that went into the sandwich rating process.”

Contrary to what others may think, if we were to redo our experience of trying every sandwich at Dave’s Fresh Pasta, we would not. Regardless of how bad the other host was, this is a restaurant that makes some of the best sandwiches we ever had, and we will never forget the beauty of this simple weekly routine. Day in and day out, rain or shine; the Dave’s Fresh Pasta Sandwich Committee stood strong. We formed a bond. Enemies became friends. Only together could we combat a greater force. We went to battle each week, and now we stand victorious. Through the things we may not have enjoyed and the sandwiches we waited so long to taste, we persevered. We are not proud of the fact that we rated 25 unique sandwiches, but we are proud that we were consistent and vowed to finish what we started. The DFPSC and their many guests are gladiators of Dave’s Fresh Pasta. Enjoy our sandwich ranking.

The DFPSC’s Top 7 Sandwiches of Dave’s Fresh Pasta

DFP Steak and Cheese Prosciutto Caprese Prosciutto and Fig Avocado BLT Sicilian Italian Roasted Lamb Honorable Mentions: Steak and Blue, Smoky Spicy Turkey, Brazilian Hangover Helper, Bocadillo Special

If you have any questions about the DFP sandwich ranking or the Master Spreadsheet, please feel free to contact Chris at christopher.vergos@tufts.edu and/or Jack at jack.stube@tufts.edu. They’re pretty chill.

Breaking: Tufts to Changes Feminine Jumbo Elephant Mascot to a more Manly ~Billy the Bear~

One sunny afternoon a fuming prospective Tufts parent stormed into the admissions office demanding to speak to

thing more manly like Yogi Bear.”

Horrified by the revelation that Tufts was not present-

the parent the President decided to make the mascot change because he felt as though that would be this campus’s big-

hidden from Kumar.

Yogi said “I actually made the early decision to commit to Brown University as their official mascot”

the President. When asked on what grounds he responded:

“Your mascot is an abomination. An elephant is one of the most feminine animals of all time and the tufts mascot should be changed to some-

ing itself as masculine enough admissions worker, Tufts Daily legend, and most macho man of all time Grady Nelson brought this parent to Sunil Kumar right away.

After a brief meeting with

Campus animals are breaking from vanilla bondage and learning to pet play

Empowered by previous Tufts Daily reporting on Jumbo’s new erection, the animals of campus have embraced their wild side. In this ground-breaking exposé, we dive into the freaky fauna of Tufts’ campus.

MOOCOW

MEOW

Raw-dogging:

Walking past Pres Lawn on a Saturday, one may see the hoards of dogs and think gleefully, “Awwwww. So adorable!” But really, behind this cute facade, there is a dark secret that Animal Aid doesn’t want you to know: this event is not a cute get together, it is a puppy orgy, a “porgy” if you will. Week after week, Tufts professors and faculty bring their precious pups to the lawn to engage in what can only be referred to as “raw dogging.” Concerned citizens tried to report this tomfoolery to TUPD, only to be horrified at the revelation that their dog Pepper is actually the puppy master behind such sinful behavior. As of this moment, the dogs continue to indulge in canine coitus.

What bunnies do:

Perhaps the only heterosexual organisms on this campus, they’re everywhere, and we all know why. Balancing out the sexuality of all other animals at Tufts, bunnies do it like no other to spread their Catholic morals to the next generation.

How else will this antiquated r-selected species survive? Just think about it, you only see them at night. After dusk, the moon isn’t the only thing coming up - there’s no waxing and waning in the bunny onenight-stand lifestyle though.

Squirrel Sex work:

You’ve heard of Alvin and

the Chipmunks. Now, meet Nibbles and the Nutters. Ever wondered what goes on in the trees of the Academic Quad? After reportedly setting up a rodent brothel in what used to be a popular student study place, the squirrels are ready to enter show business and shake some ass. You can expect to see the fruit of their labors at this year’s Burlesque showing, where there’s no hiding of the nuts!

Shaking some tail feathers:

Remember the sidechat viral turkey who crossed the road?

Unlike the chicken, who wanted to get to the other side, this turkey is confused about which side it wants, in a true Tufts experience. Hoping to meet hot moms in this area, this turkey is more than just a snacc; it’s a full meal and ready to be eaten out, not just gobbled. With a wishboner, a craving for sauce and a love for Boston cream pies, it’s ready to be stuffed. After all, it’s good to give thanks.

It’s better to give head.

Fantastic Mr. Fox:

Elusive, sleek, sexy. A truly dapper gentleman that few are privileged to get the pleasure of meeting and even fewer getting to visit his sex dungeon.

Embracing the sensuality of mystery and danger, this fox will make you question which is worse: his bark or his bite. The hickeys on his most recent flame, Pepper, can attest to that!

gest priority right now. He was able to get in contact with Yogi bear’s media team.

However, after several convoluted conversations with Yogi and his team there was a key fact that Yogi was keeping

Despite this upsetting news Yogi gave an alternative solution for a mascot saying “my less known sidekick Boo-boo the bear was actually rejected from Early decision for mascots at Brown so he’d be happy to be Tufts’ new mascot.”

Although saddened by the loss of another Tufts prospect to an ivy league, Kumar settled for the lovable sidekick BooBoo.

Wanting to get the current mascot’s perspective, through a time machine kept in the basement of the Daily office, I was able to conduct an official interview with Jumbo the elephant.

Jumbo said “bahruuuhaaaa bahruhaaaaaaaa baaaaaahruuuuuuuuuuha bahuuuuuuuraaa” which

means “I am deeply offended by the change in mascot, I earned that title, especially after the years of abuse I was put through as a circus animal, besides: I am a male elephant, isn’t that masculine enough for them?” and since I was present during my freshman fall I was able to translate this to 99.8% accuracy.

Even though that interview was shared with Kumar, that did not impact his decision for Boo-Boo the bear to be the new mascot of Tufts.

Kumar Said “Despite Tufts having the longstanding tradition of all male presidents we have yet to break free from our ties to femininity…hopefully this mascot change will bring us one step closer to that”

WORDS BY DYLAN PICTURE BY

GRETTA

SILLY EDITORIAL TEEHEE

Hands off our meat

By: Ben “Meat Man” Crouton, Rachel “Little Meat” Liu, Maxwell “Meat Jesus” Shoustal Musings of the Meat Man

I lost my vegenity at age 13. That was when, after well over a decade of eating a solely-plant based diet, I consumed my first piece of meat. When I delicately wrapped my lips around the piece of meat and my taste buds explored the delicious juices held within, I knew the vegetarian lifestyle was not for me.

Now, we know we may sound like I’m just talking with a mouth full of meat. But rest assured, I have extensive experience in the meat world. I know intimately well the experience of slapping a girthy, oiled-up piece of steak onto a steaming-hot grill. I have even traveled across the Atlantic just to devour Gordon Ramsey’s incredible meat. As a meat-loving men ourselves, we’ll attest to the fact that nothing is getting between us and our meat. Whether we’re in Steakholm, Muttontana or New Vealand, if you bring the meat, we’ll eat it.

Meat Jesus’ Sermon

If you’re a red-blooded American like myself, there’s nothing you like better than a massive hunk of meat in your mouth. Unfortunately, at this liberal sissy institution, some students actually enjoy eating food such as SOY or TOFU or OAT milk. Gross! For all those meat munchers out there, we at the Tufts Daily stand with you. Next semester, instead of taking liberal classes such as race, gay and woman, we urge you to take true patriotic classes such as AMERICAN MEAT (ANTH-0142). If you want even more American meat, please visit our dorm rooms! Meat lovers can also contact Ben “the Meat Man” who loves meat so much that he skips out on his commitments and friends in order to get his fix of that sweet meat. We mourn the loss of the MisCONceptions column, who were CANCELED before they could weigh in on this important matter. Meat lovers rise up!

However, General Tso’s chicken is kinda good… sorry Arielle. WOOF

Written by: Smokey Bear, Ishaun the Sheep, and their Kidney Stone

Dissent: They can’t beat our meat

By: Julieta “Meatless

Mexican” Grané and Arghya “No Meat in This Mouth” Thallapragada

As proud citizens of THE United States of America, we vehemently reject the claims made by The Tufts Daily Editorial Board that eating meat makes one more American. To us, the Editorial Board’s comments come off as distasteful and gay. As proud heterosexual members of the board, we do not feel represented by this homoerotic and possibly communist opinion.

My two cultures enjoy a lot of meat. The girthy burritos south of the border in Mexico and the black and white cow chow of Argentina are both firmly implanted inside me. I grew up on a diet of constant meat in the mouth, and I didn’t necessarily choose this for myself. But in middle school when I was finally able to speak up for myself, I spit that shit out. Never again would I have a bloody animal carcass between my teeth. Instead, I moved onto meatless alternatives which can’t be beaten. You can’t beat Impossible meat — it’s impossible. I implore all readers to join the impossible side, the side of moist seitan and oh-so-chewy tofu. I imagine a better world — a world in which the students of Tufts are unafraid to chomp tofu, whether they are in their lectures, dorms, or even, Godwilling, the basement of DTD.

Late Night At The Daily

CROSSWORD

Spencer, upon learning that there are stamps in the office: “I can do my taxes!”

Mike, after seeing a picture of Lana Del Rey: “Is that Jesus?”

Claire: “Should we change it to just circumcision?”

Interested

WAIT, YOU’RE TELLING ME A SHRIMP FRIED ALL THIS RICE??

SERIOUS JOURNALISM

SUDOKU

Difficulty Level: Performing circumcision.

CROSSWORD SUDOKU

Sunil Kumar to star in -“international movie musical”this year

Ever wondered why President Sunil Kumar has rarely been sighted around campus recently? Well, the secret is out! After a deep dive and exclusive interviews, the Daily has learned that President Kumar is set to make his big screen debut in a joint Hollywood-Bollywood musical, coming to theaters this November.

The fledgling actor will star opposite acclaimed international actress Priyanka Chopra Jonas in “Pyaar on Prez Lawn” (Love on Prez Lawn), which follows an unlikely Econ bro and a spunky Dual Degree student who team up to get themselves H-1B work visas. The movie was also set to star former president Anthony Monaco, who is no longer on speaking terms with Kumar.

“First, he takes my job. Then he takes my movie role. Then he tells me he doesn’t need me to work the door with him at Halloween. The other day I saw him at Tasty with Priyanka,” Monaco said. “But Tasty is supposed to be our thing?!”

The supporting cast promises entertainment and more, with well-known names such as Cillian Murphy (sexually confused IR major), Jennifer Coolidge (vegan Yoga professor), and

[PROFESSIONAL FAVORITE OF ALL BROWN AUNTIES] loyal psychic

the Oompa Loompas from the Glasgow Willy Wonka experience (emo SMFA kids). Stevie Nicks was slated to join the project as “cool alt mom” but has since dropped out.

“This school is too much,” Nicks said. “All my life I’ve never seen people with so many different colors in their hair.”

However, the movie has drawn criticism for not using more Indian actors, given its subject matter. Director Mindy Kaling admitted that she did try to fly in several Bollywood actors of note for the movie. Unfortunately, these stars were stopped by “US Customs and Border Protection” at “Logan Airport” for “suspicious activity” and have since “returned” to India. People have objected to the casting of Chopra, accusing her of making herself “more American” to appeal to US audiences. “Haters gonna hate, potatoes gonna potate, rotis gonna rotate,” Chopra responded. Some have also found fault with the H-1B plotline, calling it insensitive. President Kumar released a statement saying, “That means you haven’t known the triumphs and defeats, the epic highs and lows of the H-1B lottery.”

Several Tufts student groups have already

begun to participate in this co-production. Tufts’ frats have agreed to house the participating celebrities, provided that the actors wear wristbands at all times and work the door at parties. Burlesque is collaborating with Tufts’ South Asian dance groups to choreograph the movie. “Think Naatu Naatu meets Come and Get it,” shared a representative. “These dances will definitely be RRR: raunchy, respectful and ready to SLAY.” The soundtrack of the movie will feature several original numbers such as “Bhangra at Ballou,” “Green Cards at Gifford” and the much anticipated “Diet Mountain Dewick.” The Beelzebubs, Tufts’ oldest a cappella group, was initially hired to record the songs, but witnesses reported a massive fight, where a crew member was heard to say, “How

Say goodbye to the arts!!!!!!! :(((((

After nearly 150 years of education, Tufts University will be shutting down the SMFA campus, along with all current arts courses and majors. From film to digital art to dance, the university is slapping a big “STOP” on it all.

The decision came earlier today from the academic advising department and the Dean of Undergraduate Studies’ office. The Daily received an email from an anonymous source on this topic just minutes before.

The source stated, “Yeah…we’re shutting the arts down, effective immediately.”

When asked for a reason why, the source responded in a follow up email, ”[We] hate the arts…but also, just ‘cause.”

The source refused to expand on their answer

and the university offices declined to comment further on the situation.

The arts have been an encouraged and continued path for Tufts students in order to have a whole and rounded education, one of the main pillars held by the faculty and students of this university. All students in the School of Arts and Sciences (new name pending) must complete two art courses over their four years. Many different types of classes satisfy this requirement: drawing, photography, dance, and Gospel Choir. However, now students can be expected to disregard those requirements completely going forward.

The removal of arts from all Tufts campuses is already underway after a few short hours. In an attempt for an interview, the Daily discovered the SMFA

Lana Del Rey recently announced that her next album, “Lasso ��,” will be a country album, and in the spirit of this ne ws, TUSC has announce d that this y e ar’s Spring Fling will includ e spe cial gue sts Lana d e l Re y and Mason Ramse y Se ve nte e n y e ar old Mason Ramse y f irst achie ve d inte rne t stard om in 2018 af te r a clip of him busking at Walmart garne re d ove r twe nty -f ive million vie ws within only a f e w d ay s, e arning him the nickname “Walmart y od e ling kid ” Since the n, Ramse y has transitione d to the social me d ia platf orm TikTok, continuing his music care e r, re le asing ne w single s such as ” Be f ore I Kne w It, ” ” Re asons to Come Home , ” ” She Got It Outta Me , ” and othe rs. On Fe bre wary twe nty -f if th, Ramse y poste d a TikTok of him visiting a Waf f le House . “Me waiting f or Lana to ge t of f he r shif t so we can collab” re ad s the te xt in the vid e o, which

admissions and dean’s offices were permanently closed. According to another anonymous source, “They’re [all] gone…all of them. They’ve disappeared.” What this means for currently enrolled students is unclear.

When asked for more information, the second source claimed there was not enough time for anyone to act. The secure call set up with the second source ended unexpectedly and the second source has declined to comment on why.

Over the next several days and weeks, we can expect to see the formal closing of departments and their resources, such as

“The Cage,” which holds much equipment for Film and Media Studies majors and minors in Barnum Hall. These spaces are theorized to be used for language studies or psychology courses after all art has been scrubbed away.

Lana del Rey and Mason Ramsey

The long-awaited Spring Fling event is also speculated

can you expect people who can’t pull b*tches to be able to sing about love!”

The Tufts community is very excited to see President Kumar find love on screen, aside from the international students, who are more eager to figure out new techniques for that sweet sweet H-1B. “I’m so grateful for the love and support the Tufts community has shown me.” Kumar told the Daily.

“He better watch his back this Halloween,” Monaco said.

to be canceled, despite being weeks away, as it is a full showcase of the power of art at the university.

Along with the visual arts, the future of literature and culture studies may be bleak. As a third anonymous source

garne re d almost e ight hund re d thousand like s. The vid e o re f e re nce s social me d ia posts of Lana d e l Re y sightings in Alabama picturing the star d re sse d in f ull unif orm, manning a shif t at an anony mous Waf f le House ” This collab would f ix me , ” said a use r in the comme nts se ction of Ramse y ’s vid e o.

And f ix he r it shall. Me d f ord , MA, the unspoke n e pice nte r of Ame rican pop culture , will be hosting the country collaboration of the inte rne t age this April at the annual Spring Fling conce rt. Long gone are the d ay s of the “I liste n to e ve ry thing e xce pt country ” man with the Ne utral Milk Hote l shirt. The Spotif y Wrappe d of e ve ry one und e r the age of twe nty f

The Bookmark: 'The Cat in the Hat'

by Dr. Seuss

Disclaimer: This article contains spoilers for “The

Author Theodore Geisel: The man, the myth, the legend. Iconic? Yes. Controversial? Yeah. A household name? Surely. His first big hit was none other than “The Cat in the Hat.”

Okay readers. Let’s talk about the mf cat. Ummmmmm he is the WOAT!!!?!!!!??? Likeeeeee… he just barges into this house and acts like he owns the place?!! He makes a freaking mess, brings two annoying little Things (are they people??? Creatures?? Can we unpack this??) AND the cat traumatizes that poor fish???? Come on. This is not okay!!! Our kids should NOT be encouraged to behave like this.

Pros of this book include: nice rhyming and cute illustrations, with silly trees that give the same vibes as truffula trees (“The Lorax” shoutout! Now THAT is a great book).

As always, I’ll leave you with a super inspiring quote…“All we could do was Sit! Sit! Sit! Sit!”

told us, “Nothing is safe. Kiss your little English literature degree goodbye.”

In addition to all official classes and programs, the university is calling for all student art clubs and organizations to all shut down effective–

Odessa Gaines

Erin Zhu

Natalie Bricker

HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL: THE MUSICAL: THE SERIES: THE OPINION SECTION

Ranking the Daily Sections

Ms. Liam Darbfonte Executive Graphics Editor

As someone who’s long since sold his soul to the Daily, I’m here to present you with the content you always knew you needed: a definitive section by section ranking of the paper, worst to best. You’re welcome ;)))

$cience: We’re very proud of science for finally beginning to publish articles this semester. They’re finally using their voice to report on the most pressing scientific issues of our time: Whales and Syphilis. Slay.

Graphics: I keep making beautiful artistic masterpieces for the graphics section, but they’ve never been published. Some people say it’s because my graphics are “a bunch of shitty stick figures that you drew in five minutes” whose publishing “would be a stain on the reputation of the Daily,” but I think it’s a conspiracy!!!!!!!!!!!

Features: The section that really makes me question why the Daily hasn’t introduced a “tl;dr” at the top of its articles. Features is best known for its unfortunate(ly kinky?) nickname: Feet. To quote Feats Exec Carmen Smoak: “I think all of us need to be

associated with feet, because feet supremacy.” Need I say more?

Audio and Video (tie): Because between them, they almost make up their own section!

Newzzz: Allegedly there are other people in the News section that are not News Exec Matthew Sage, but I have yet to see evidence of that (sus). With each passing day I am more and more convinced that every news article is just something he has written, edited, and exec-ed under a rotating array of pseudonyms.

Sports: A section crafted specifi-

cally for all of the Tufts students who exist in the Venn Diagram between “willing to regularly read my school newspaper” and “avid sports enjoyer.”

Busine$$: The finance girlies without whom the Daily wouldn’t exist. A necessary evil, but a thankless one too. Period.

Editorial: After the harsh reality of a semester running the Daily, M-Boarders often pass on to the purgatory of the editorial section. Picture a beta version of the Opinion section made for lukewarm takes.

Opinion: One would think that,

Letter to the Editor: You think you just

fell out of a coconut tree?

To the editor:

As Mariah Carey famously said, “Why you so obsessed with me?”

For a college paper on the other side of the country, certain opinion writers of yours just can’t get enough of me. It’s true, California isn’t perfect but it beats living in a state where happy hour is illegal and you aren’t legally required to stop at a red light. We’re the world’s fifth-largest economy and we’ve got the best public university system in history. It’s clear that the Tufts Daily has some soul-searching to do. While you’re at it, why don’t you pull up a transfer application? I don’t know about you, but I couldn’t imagine a better way to spend close to $96,000 than partying the night away in America’s favorite town: Medford, Mass.

You also claim I’m not serious about being governor because I’m too busy aspiring for higher office - again, it seems your standards have disappeared. I’m told that you have a rigorous fact-checking process, but something seems to have gone awry. I guess that’s what happens when your school doesn’t have a journalism program.

First and foremost, the Panera accusations are wrong on every account. Not only did the Panera franchisee at the heart of the controversy voluntarily commit to raising the minimum hourly wage to $20 an hour, but I detest any accusation of impropriety Besides, Panera is a bargain-and-a-half, you can sign up for their Sip Club, and get unlimited drinks for just $14.99 a month - unlimited lemonades that can kill you for all! Oh, and this shout-out is definitely not a

gratuitous endorsement at the behest of a campaign donor. I just can’t help myself from yapping, as the kids say, about my favorite bakery establishment.

But back to politix. Even if I was running for president, I don’t understand what’s not to like. I know how to fight the Republicans and I’m willing to take it to their turf. Just ask Florida Govornor Rohn DeZantis how well that went. Also, let’s face it, no one’s tougher on China than me. Find me another politician that’s decked a Chinese kid and I’ll eat my hair gel.

If you think I’m bad now, you’ve got another thing coming. As my ex-wife and the chairwoman of the Trump Victory Finance Committee put it: “The best is yet to come!”

Gavin Newsom

Governor of California

because I am an opinion writer, I would be putting opinion on top. Alas, all my time on opinion has taught me to remove my biases and see the section for what it really is: A frat. Ops does not in fact stand for opinion, but rather Omicron Rho Sigma (Ο). Initiation for the opinion frat involves debating about the Biden Administration with Kevin, our token conservative.

Investigative: Really produces some of the Daily’s most valuable content — that one time a year they get around to publishing, anyway.

Layout: Perhaps some of the best entertainment I get in the week is watching layout configuring each page of the paper. I am truly convinced there is some kind of sorcery involved.

Copy: Okay, so I lied, I am biased. I love my copy people. Copy editors are remarkable in their uncanny ability to differentiate hyphens, en dashes, and em dashes from a mile away. Don’t forget that copy deletes all those pesky STRAIGHT quotes that always get pasted over from Otter (we love the gays?!!???!!!?

<3 <3). Copy misses the top spot, however, for its heinous massacre of the grammatically essential oxford comma. :(

Arts and Pop Culture: Arts is the best section of the Daily because it is, in fact, the only useful one. It’s also the only section that I regularly read without feeling obligated to (sorry opinion <3). It was the Arts section that first introduced me to our Queen Reneé Rapp, and I challenge any section of the Daily to improve my life like Arts did with that. XD

Tobyis Timothee Chalamet

As the proverb from the critically acclaimed “Spider-Man” goes, “with great power comes great responsibility.” Tufts Daily Executive Opinion Editor Toby Winick has both. Like Spiderman, Exec Toby captains the opinion section ship with strength, wisdom, and gorgeous locks of his Timothee Chalamet-esque hair. (Oh, how does he maintain it? We may never know!) As Peter Parker slings webs throughout NYC, so Toby masterfully edits countless opinion articles, all while doing Spiderman-like flips at gymnastics practice. And, like High School Musical’s famed Troy Bolton, Winick is a Renaissance man-heading a newspaper section, running a fraternity, AND playing volleyball, among other extracurricular pursuits. Running the opinion section, he motivates with such eloquent lines as “we’re SO back” and “you’re cooking.” As the opinion section seniors become increasingly “washed,”

Winick continues to inspire the section. Outside of the opinion section, Toby can often be spotted alongside his work husband-News Exec Matthew Sage <3 <3. Sage had this to say about our fearless leader, “Not only does Mr. Winick have the nerves, he’s got the heart. I could ask for no better partner than in my Toby-bear, and I count my lucky stars that I get to wake up to his beautiful face every day. The dedication he displays to both this great organization and our blossoming relationship is nothing short of utterly endearing.” We admire Sage and Winick’s loving relationship, and second his emphasis of Toby’s Troy-like nerves, heart, and dedication—his head is CERTAINLY in the game…you can bet on it ;). As the washed seniors of the opinion section—graduating in a mere few weeks—we are proud to be the Uncle Bens to Toby’s Peter Parker. We look forward to watching this Daily star continue to rise long after we’ve left the hallowed halls of Tufts University.

Kevin Golub, Justin Hong, Reya

Gavin Newsom

PROFESH SPORT Observer is a no show, Team SOG wins first annual TD kickball game

After two days of cold, rainy weather, the sun came out to shine on Saturday for the Daily’s first annual internal kickball game. INTERNAL, given the Observer did not show up to the competition. The rules were unclear, the talent was varying, but a game close to kickball was certainly played.

After some stretching and nervous chatter, the Jumbos lined up to pick teams. Captain of team Julieta’s Bitches (JB) old fetus Julieta “The Birthday Boss” Grané got first pick, going with rookie and rising star fetus fetus Ben “MVP” Choucroun. Fetus old Arielle “I Know The Rules” Weinstein, captain of Team SOG (Super Owsome Guys), went with fetus fetus Chloe “Runner, Track Star” Nacson-Schecter.

Team JB was first up to the plate, with old fetus Carmen “A Girl Gets Tired” Smoak pitching a quick three outs to finish off the top of the first with a score of 0-0, a devastating start for the Bitches. Not much more to say on this front.

The devastation continued through the bottom of the first. Though there were two immediate outs with superstars NacsonSchecter and old old Carl “The Maneater” Svahn, Team SOG delivered with runs from Weinstein, old fetus Max “That’s Going Out” Shoustal, and old old Nat “Cool Girl” Bricker in a three-for-one (that’s a technical term) play. Smoak followed it up with another run to cap off the inning, making the score at the end of one frame 4-0 SOG.

“I think there’s definitely some growing pains,” The Bitches’ Choucroun said about the start of the game. “I really think we have a good shot at coming back and clinching this one.”

The Bitches started off the second inning strong with a run from old old Nate “Incredible Stage Presence” Hall. Unfortunately, that was as far as they got before SOG was up to kick. But not before Weinstein was called in to give a complete rundown of the technical rules of the game.

“I’m running THROUGH first,” Weinstein said, wrapping around the bases with alarming speed for someone who was unable to score at this time. “And I’m STOPPING at second.”

The Bitches took notes, though outs and runs would continue to be disputed through the game by Grané and old fetus Caroline “You Can’t Get Rid Of Me That Easy” Vandis.

It was another mauling at the bottom of the second, with Weinstein, Shoustal, Svahn, Smoak, and old fetus Rachel “I Came To Observe But I’m Going To Kill It Anyway” Wong all bringing it home for Team SOG. The score was then 9-1.

“I’m feeling super stoked for the third inning,” Smoak said[a]. “I think we’re holding it together as a team.”

When asked what the strategy going into the third was, Smoak said “rAnDomNesS and fun.”

At the top of the third inning, Choucroun

once again earned his MVP stripes with a knockout home run. Though this was the only run for the Bitches, momentum was being built… In the bottom of the third, Bricker and Weinstein both scored, bringing the total score of the game to 11-2.

Old old Marlee “First Base Coach” Stout was a vital part of the offensive prowess of Team SOG, ensuring that none of the baserunners were caught in double plays proving her worth as a high value pick. She was the third member of the “Power Trio” along with Nacson-Schechter and Weinstein.

The nine-run lead was comfortable heading into the last inning of the game, and the Bitches knew they had some work cut out for them.

With old fetus Annabelle “Sleeper Winner” Wu on third at the top of the fourth, Choucroun kicked an incredible homer bringing them both home, as well as the score to a slightly more competitive 11-4.

With bases loaded, the Bitches looked to gain one more run before the end of the inning. As old fetus Rachel “Big Boss” Liu was running from third base to home plate, Shoustal reared back ready to peg

CAPTAIN WEINSTEIN REPORTER VANDIS

final out of the game. The ball bounced, hitting Liu just base. One writer is of the belief that this technically is an out, but due to the fact that the Bitches were down by over six runs, Team SOG was lenient.

The game ended one kicker later, with 11-5 recording the final out and sealing an emphatic win for Team SOG.

“I’m feeling really great,” Grané said in a post-game interview. “I feel like our team may not have had the kick, may not have had the catch, but had the spirit, had the drive, all the important traits. Who cares about kicking, who cares about catching.”

“It seems like the Editor-in-Chief running into the ball was the highlight for you guys,” Weinstein said, leading to some unintelligible disagreement between the writers of this article.

You’d think, considering Team SOG won, that they’d be in higher spirits, but alas this was not the case, they were still complaining about the final play. The Bitches were the true winners, bringing the team home in spirit and cohesion.

Team SOG contends that they were very satisfied with their win and left Fletcher Field content with the performance. Deep

“Even though there was some rule fudging, our team kept our spirits up, and we sealed the win,” Weinstein said.

When asked if SOG had more spirit than the other team, Weinstein said, “by virtue of winning.”

through with the win. Put it in the Daily’s history books please (sincerely, Team SOG xoxo).

Fetus old Matthew “News Is Late” Sage unfortunately was not relevant enough to include in this article.

Extra Innings: Rule changes MLB should absolutely, 100% make

Baseball is the greatest game in the world, but why not make it even better? Here are five totally plausible rule changes that would make baseball so much more fun.

1. Legalize steroids

You’re telling me that baseball wasn’t more fun in the 90s and early 2000s? Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa’s 1998 home run race wasn’t one of the most exciting times in baseball history?! Barry Bonds hitting .349/.559/.809 over four years with more intentional walks than strikeouts wasn’t cool? Forget long-term health and safety of the players, I wanna see Aaron Judge hit 80 homers! MLB could actively encourage steroid use and the league would still be safer for players than the NFL. (that’s not even a joke.)

2. Foul balls caught by fans are outs

This one is admittedly stolen from the Savannah Bananas, but it would certainly add a strong home field advantage, and it’d be great for fan engagement. Who wouldn’t want a pivotal game in a pennant race to be decided by a fan making a sprawling one-handed catch while holding a baby in the other hand? Besides, imagine the competition between home and away fans! Fenway would be even more of a madhouse when the Yankees came to town.

3. Ejection of a starter means 8 players

I’m not a soccer fan at all, but one thing they have right is red cards. If a guy gets ejected in a baseball game, managers can simply replace them with someone on the bench. With how little the individual matters in baseball, this isn’t much of a penalty. But in soccer, players who get red carded not only have to leave the game, but their team must finish the game with 10 players instead of 11. Taking a fielder off the diamond would be a WAY better punishment for ejections in baseball.

3. Defenders can start behind the home run fence

I want teams to be able to shift their defenders basically anywhere they want to. I started imagining how teams would set up against Kyle Schwarber and I couldn’t help but laugh. They’d have one guy in shallow left, one in shallow right, one at first, and the other four split between the stands and deep right center. Schwarber would crank one into the second deck — only for it to be caught by a diving Mike Trout as he takes out someone’s beer and hot dog. Schwarber might not get another hit in his career.

5. Get rid of the baseline

Let’s be real, the baseline is lame. Why shouldn’t baserunners be allowed to take whatever path they please en route to the next bag? Think about how awesome it would be if on every non-force play, baserunners could sprint into the outfield to avoid the tag and look for a more circuitous way to the base? It’d be like the fielding team was ballpark security chasing down a streaker while having to keep track of who has the baseball. A game of tag where whoever has the ball is it! No one will ever complain about baseball being slow again.

Weinstein featured, Grané refused to handshake