The Tufts Daily - Tuesday, October 31, 2023 (Halloween)

T H E H I G H LY- C O D E P E N D E N T S T U D E N T R E S U M E PA D D E R S I N C E T H E D AW N O F T I M E

DTD dog comes out: ‘I’m gay’

That Dingy Basement, Mass.

Renaissance Tour.

circuit gay, and let us be clear: that is not okay.”

F-150 went to his first ATO party on Saturday, and will be traveling to Boston College in the coming weeks.

“I heard the gays were better there,” he said. “The Tufts ones are kinda wack.”

Tuesday, October 31, 2023

VOLUME 86, ISSUE VIII

DJ Danny V ATO pledge The resident dog of Delta Tau Delta spoke to the Daily on Oct. 28 following his first homosexual experience. Ford F-150, a brown mutt(?), allegedly lives in the fraternity’s 98 Professors Row house and claims the brothers have been “very supportive” of his identity.

F-150 was previously linked to TUPD’s Pepper, a militant black lab who formerly worked as a KGB drug sniffer. Pepper declined to comment on the matter.

F-150, sporting a Charli XCX tee and a leather spiked collar (in a gay way, not a dog way), gave his first exclusive interview to the Daily since coming out as a Homosexual Canine.

“I love butts,” F-150 said. “I was sniffing one and that’s when it hit me: I’m gay.”

One DTD brother, who asked to be called “Bud Light,” said the fraternity will be hosting a LGBT themed event in honor of Ford F-150.

“Dudeee, we are gonna have drag queens and shit,” the DTD brother said. “It will be so … slay.”

The Delts have decked the house with rainbow flags

and pledged to donate $12 million to the Gay Dogs Association of America — an organization dedi-

cated to taking young puppies to Beyonce’s

“We are thrilled to hear about Ford F-150’s brave coming out,” they said. “We are concerned he may become a

Wren Hall set to be DEMOLISHED after yet another falafel fire scare Katie Spiropoulos

Disgruntled Wrensident

At the sickening hour of 3:39 a.m. last Thursday, hundreds of lottery number losers were shocked awake by yet ANOTHER Wren fire alarm.

As the ear-piercing shrieks rang out, sleep-deprived sophomores shuffled onto the infamous useless Wren bridge and waited hoping to see the building burn. Despite the three-engine response, the cause of the disturbance turned out to be the end result of a careless vegan’s midnight snack: burned falafel.

This is the fourth incident in the last six weeks and Tufts Labor Coalition has already been spotted planning a formal protest calling for “equal sleep for all” outside Carmichael Dining Center.

In response to the threats and Thursday’s falafel fire, President Sunil Kumar announced the official demolition of Wren Hall. Constructed in the Paleolithic era (1964), Wren has disappointed suites of sophomores for decades. Among the numerous fire scares, the dorm has been plagued by the Wren creeper, open suite break-ins and countless

key card malfunctions leaving students locked out.

Additionally, its position at the top of Mount Everest (past res quad) causes thousands of cases of shin splints and uphill irritation across the Tufts community annually.

tip from the Office of Residential Life suggests there have been talks of a return to students living in the nearby Hyatt Hotel.

The unnamed source, disguised under the name housingwhaaaaaat@tufts.69, encouraged

“You know we have always had our issues with this particular dormitory due to its natural vulnerability to black mold and creepy crawly friends,” Skellington said.

“Wren is just one of those places where you never feel totally safe.

Wren Hall is pictured on fire being demolished. With explosions. And fire. It’s EPIC.

HENRY CHANDONNET

The news of Wren’s closing comes as a shocker not because of the building’s shoddy reputation but because of what its loss will mean to Tufts’ overcrowding problem. It is estimated that the building’s closure will leave up to 400 students homeless. An anonymous

students to “buckle up for a long bumpy ride back to Medford’s least favorite cheap hotel.”

Jack Skellington, head of roach control for Wren and the other residential quad dorms, suggested that perhaps this demolition has been a long time coming.

You live there, you deal, but it certainly isn’t the ritziest of abodes,” he continued.

“While I thought nothing could get worse than the great cockroach flood of 2003, each year proves to be a deliciously new disaster. It’s funny: I always knew

Features

Arts & Pop Culture

Opinion

Sports

Ooky spooky scary BLAKELEY

SUNIL

Fuck u skim milk!1!!!1!1!!11

SUSAN 4 GOLDEN BACHELORETTE

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❤❤❤ SOPHIE page5

🥛🥛 🍼🍼

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the roaches liked falafel, but I didn’t think the smoke alarm didn’t,” Skellington said.

Sally Finklestein, head of communications for TUPD, further commented on the security concerns surrounding Wren.

“The Wren creeper was a onetime incident, I can promise you that. I mean, what are we supposed to do with kids not setting boundaries with their Grubhub drivers,” Finklestein said.

“Additionally, Wren’s bridge and moat have proved very effective in eliminating intruders through our trapdoor-repulsion system. Our planned demolition has nothing to do with these blasphemous concerns and we will continue to leave the safety of our students in their own hands.”

Regardless of the reasons (or rats) why, the death certificate for Wren Hall has been signed for December 2nd, and just like Miley Cyrus, the wrecking ball will come in.

Hit up 1-800-Wren’s-Not-YourFriend for all the details on destruction and to donate to the homeless student support fund for all current Wren residents.

Nudes Feet Arts & Witch Cult ADS (and photos) The Onion “Science” Sp0rks

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Tufts University renames itself ‘Tufts University’ (WHAT ) Aaron Klein

Executive Executive

Tufts announced in a Tuesday morning email to the community its plan to rename the University to Tufts University. Rollout of the proposed name change will begin as early as January 2024.

“We are a university that prides itself on history and tradition,” University President Sunil Kumar wrote in the email. “But in holding tradition, we must still acknowledge the long stride of our modern world. With this name change, we hope to keep pace.”

The change comes only months after ties were discovered between the Tufts name and something controversial.

Patrick Pander-Toomey, a senior and co-creator of the viral petition urging Tufts to change its name, voiced relief after the announcement.

“I’m glad to see the University doing something about this,” Pander-Toomey said. “What was uncovered was just so controversial. When I had read that they… that Tufts had… the ties to… um… there was just so much controversy! Something had to be done. The name change is good.

They are listening to us, and that is a good start, though there is always more work to be done.”

The renaming marks the first time the University has changed its name since 1954 when it changed its name from Tufts University to Tufts University.

In his email to the community,

SO BASICALLY... THE IDEA IS... YA KNOW

Kumar acknowledged the historic significance of such a change.

“It is not every day that a name as iconic as Tufts is changed. The last time such a change occurred was in 1993 with the artist formerly known as Prince, and before that in 1954 when we first became Tufts University. Now, we shed that skin and change once again.

Our new name, Tufts University, hopes to honor our institution’s historic legacy while breathing new life into every aspect of campus life.”

Virginia Drachman, Arthur Stern, Jr. Professor of American History, who previously taught a course on Tufts history titled Tufts in American History, shared her appreciation for how the new name honors the university’s history.

“I think the new name choice is great,” Drachman said. “If we look back at the different names that this institution has gone by, the history there is actually quite fascinating. Initially upon founding in 1852, we were known as Tufts University, named after the university’s primary benefactor, Charles Tufts. Then, in 1954, it

was decided that the university name should be changed to reflect its evolution as an institution. It was then that the name was changed from Tufts University to Tufts University, named after the university’s primary benefactor, Charles Tufts. And that brings us to President Kumar’s announcement earlier today. We once again face a historic change as we evolve from Tufts University to Tufts University. While the change may seem jarring, the new name has firm roots in university history, being lent directly from Charles Tufts, the university’s primary benefactor. Plus, I think the new name just sounds lovely.”

Student reaction to the announcement has been mixed.

Michel Buskihl, a sophomore, dislikes the sudden change.

“I don’t like it,” Buskihl said. “I just don’t like it. The name was fine before. I don’t know why they changed it. This university is always trying to pander to some stupid woke agenda. I don’t like it. I liked the name before. Now… now… I don’t like it.”

Many students, however, have welcomed the change.

Sarah Lauvstuff, a senior, thinks the change is good.

“I like the new name,” Lauvstuff said. “It rolls off the tongue. Tufts University. It’s good! It’s really good! I mean, I liked the last name too. Tufts University. It was a bit more rigged, sure, but I still liked it. The new one is better for sure, though.”

New York based advertising agency Epic Concepts was hired by the University and is responsible for the rebrand. Epic Concepts’ previous clients include Dick Cheney and Pizza Rat. While the University declined to comment on the cost of the rebrand, according to Epic Concepts’ website, quotes for such a rebrand average between $10 million to $200 million. Epic Concepts did not respond to the Daily’s request for comment.

“Ultimately, this new name is not about the University,” Kumar wrote. “It is about all of us. There will be a point in each of our students’ lives where they will be faced with the question of where they attended university. We want our students to be able to answer this question with honesty and with pride. There will be no confusion. There will be no stutter. Only a name recognizable throughout any point in spacetime. We want you to be able to look into the gentle eyes of the person sitting across from you and proudly state that you attended Tufts University.”

Death by allergens at Carmichael Dining Hall, murderer on the loose Samantha Eng, Dhruvii Mehta WRITER PEOPLE

31 freshmen were found dead at Carmichael Dining Hall on Halloween morning; their deaths occurred between the night of Oct. 30 and the morning of Oct. 31. This prompted a TUPD investigation regarding the cause of their deaths and the whereabouts of the murderer.

Frank N. Stein, TUPD officer, discovered a pumpkin full of students’ EpiPens in the Carm lobby.

“It seems like someone was trying to sabotage the allergy-impacted students.”

A drug test was conducted on the dead students and TUPD confirmed the presence of common allergens such as nuts, gluten, dairy, shellfish, sesame, soy, sugar, salt, vanilla, turkey, pineapple, carrots, onions, pork, lemon, garlic, avocados, orange, and hummus in the All 19 Free meal section.

The head of Tufts Dining, Patti Klos, said to the Daily in an exclusive interview that a new chef, Alfredo Linguini, was hired the morning of Oct. 30.

Linguini contributed to making the scrumptious dinner for the night of Oct. 30. TUPD has been searching for Linguini, however, he is missing.

“Linguini gave me weird

vibes from the start but I never thought this would happen,” said Klos. “I love Ratatouille and I thought he would be the perfect fit for Carm.”

Klos acknowledged the deaths: “My heart goes out to all the students’ families and friends…this has never happened in the history of Tufts dining.” [note from the editors: we hope it never happens again.]

TUPD has been on the search for Linguini all night.

Linguini’s hat was found floating in the Mystic River at 4:52 a.m. And his wallet and ID cards were found in the park.

Officers suspect that he is still in the Massachusetts area.

TUPD is announcing a reward of free undergraduate tuition for the student who finds Alfredo Linguini.

Carm’s designated Apple Cinnamon Pancake Flipper, Jack O’Lantern, witnessed dead bodies when arriving for his breakfast shift at 6:30 a.m.

“Students were found lying in front of the food aisle, it was quite an eerie sight,” said O’Lantern. “And the rest were unconscious at the tables, they looked very pale.”

TUPD confirmed the presence of peanut oil in the Witch Hair Pasta. Traces of vanilla and lemon were found in

SAMANTHA ENG, DHRUVII MEHTA

The missing poster for Alfredo Linguini is pictured. the Poison Apples. The Spare Ribs were confirmed to be made with real pork instead of impossible meat.

Lucy Ferr, an SMFA freshman residing at 1023 Beacon Alley missed her 7:30 pm shuttle on Oct. 30 and was compelled to dine at Carm white waiting for the next one. “It was my first time eating on the Medford campus,” said Lucy Ferr, “I walked in and everyone was lying on the floor. To be honest, I just thought that the Medford campus Jumbos were weird. I ate Spare Ribs and left.”

Allie En, a Carmichael resident said, “I heard about the TUPD investigation and ran

downstairs. There’s caution tape everywhere. I was looking for my roommate, Remy, who has a salt allergy. She hasn’t come back to our dorm all night.”

“This issue is bigger than we think,” Frank N. Stein said.

“Carmicheal kitchen does not usually have ingredients with allergens in their pantry.

Where did those ingredients come from? Who swapped the ingredients?”

LMAOOOOOOOO

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FEET

Tuesday, October 31, 2023

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he’s so me

An Adventure Through the Bowels of Blakeley *SPOOKY* 🚬

Carmen Smoak Where there’s smoak there’s fire On a cool October day, three friends ventured across Tufts’ campus, aimlessly wandering the uneven sidewalks and pothole-infested roads of the hill. They were, all together, a messy bunch brought together by their shared dorm and slightly off-center lifestyles.

On a whim, they veered towards Blakeley Hall and the fire escape perched on its western side.

They hopped the wrought iron gate of the fire escape and ascended to the top story. From there they could see across the wide expanse of heaven itself: Medford, Massachusetts.

As they watched the sunset, they started to feel a great sense of comradery. They were the Three Musketeers, bound to an adventure-filled life. This did not last long, however, as the third member of our cinematic trio abandoned the group to go to a haunted house. If only the remaining two had been so wise; the haunted house they were about to experience was much more real.

In the words of Agatha Christie, “and then there were two...”

Dusk brought with it dark clouds and fierce, freezing winds that lashed the faces of the remaining two adventurers. Suddenly the sky lit up with red lightning, perhaps a divine omen from a god who frowns upon urban climbing.

The first said, “Maybe we should go.”

But it was too late. The second was already lifting open a window into the unoccupied health hazard of Blakeley Hall.

Nothing could have prepared them for what they experienced upon entering the abandoned graduate student residence hall.

Placing a leg through the win-

🅱

Natalie ricker copy capybara There’s a hidden gem in the Steve Tisch Sports and Fitness Center on Tufts’ campus: a sauna. The sauna is frequented by Tufts students, athletes, and faculty.

Senior Eerie Ghostie told the Daily, “the sauna is my favorite place on campus. It’s 90% of the reason I came to Tufts.”

Other universities have saunas on their campuses, including Hogwarts and the Belgium Witch Academy. But Tufts is the only university in all of New England that has a sauna in its gym.

“We’re very proud of the sauna,” Tufts quidditch coach Imda Best said. “I send [the football players] to the sauna every day after practice.

All 50 of them go in at the same time. It looks like a freaking clown car in there.”

After several accounts of odd activity, the sauna has become the subject of much conversation in the past week.

“I was [in the sauna] last Wednesday, just chilling, like I do [every Wednesday]. And the weirdest thing happened,” Junior Wear Wolff said. “I got really cold all of a sudden. Like, freezing. My breath came out in clouds and I watched ice spread across the walls. I mean,

dow, the first felt a crunch when their foot hit the floor. Plaster chunks, broken glass, and petrified mouse poop coated the broken tiles.

The walls were crumbling, revealing the red glow of portals to the Upside Down. Dripping from the ceiling was something resembling the primordial ooze.

The second came through the window with the grace of a newborn horse, flopping onto the floor with a thump.

“So this is on-campus housing…” the second said after recovering from their failure to stick the landing while wiping the plaster dust from their hands.

Hearing a wet, bubbling noise, both intrepid explorers turned with whiplash-inducing speed only to see a Demodog working its way out of the Upside Down and into Blakeley Hall. They began to sprint into the hallway after nailing the perfect cinematic sideglance of terror.

In the Tufts’ House of Horrors, Blakeley Hall, the hallway was slanted slightly downhill as the result of slow foundation settling. Glancing behind them as they ran, the students witnessed the squashing of the Demodog by what appeared to be the boulder from Indiana Jones.

Taking a second glance revealed that it was not a mineral boulder, but a boulder made from the crushed cans of every beer ever consumed in Blakeley.

Once again sharing eye contact filled with fearful disbelief, our two main characters took a sharp turn into the stairwell, their shoes squeaking on the tiles.

From the moment they entered the stairwell, the whole world seemed to turn in slow motion.

They had unwittingly made their way into the work of M.C. Escher,

where stairways go in every direction without ever really going anywhere.

After searching for what felt like hours for a way out and finding none, the fi rst, overly optimistic one had an idea.

“You know, I have an idea! Like ‘Alice in Wonderland,’ I think we just need to jump and trust that we will end up somewhere different.”

Shaking their head and taking a deep breath, the second replied, “There’s no guarantee different is better, but in the words of Rory Gilmore, ‘You jump, I jump, Jack.’”

And so, they jumped and soon found out that different did not mean better.

The fall was completely disorienting with stairwells flashing through their fields of vision in what felt like every direction. As the M.C. Escher staircases disappeared, they were replaced with the surrealist art of Salvador Dalí. Clocks melted everywhere and let out distorted ticking and clanging noises. While the world began to look more recognizable it was just incorrect enough to be sickening.

The two landed with a hard thud onto a pungent pile of dirty laundry.

Getting a sense of their bearings, they discovered that they had fallen into a labyrinth of Tufts paid laundry machines. In every direction, washers and dryers were stacked to the ceiling.

After taking a closer look around, the second said, “You’ve got to be kidding me, they’re all in use.”

“Yeah, what’s new?” the first replied.

The two were wandering around in search of an exit when the first caught a whiff of something over the repulsive scent of sweaty gym socks.

“Wait. Do you smell that? It smells like burnt toast,” they said.

The second, giving the first an incredulous look, said “Are you sure you’re not just having a stroke? I mean, I think that’s a symptom or…”

Stopping the sentence dead in its tracks, the skeleton of the original Jumbo emerged, still crispy from the fire of Barnum Hall. After all, every labyrinth needs a Minotaur.

Letting out a shrill trumpeting sound, Jumbo began dragging his front foot on the ground preparing to charge the two students.

After one last iconic moment of horror shared through a glace, the pair of students dashed in search of a way out of the laundry labyrinth. Turn after turn revealed only dead ends made of stacked laundry machines full of clean clothes.

Eventually, while stopping to catch their breath, the second had an epiphany. They unloaded one of the machines, took out their Tufts ID and swiped it in the payment station. The screen displayed an option for a “centrifugal spin cycle.”

The student paid the extra charge

this is a sauna we’re talking about.

It’s literally supposed to be hot! But, [that day], I was shivering. [It was] Ice cold.”

However, Wolff’s experience wasn’t unique.

SophomoreVan Pire recounted her odd experience in the sauna.

“Suddenly, I felt cold all over. Then I heard a sound. [It sounded] like a high pitched whistle, [then I heard] a whisper: ‘go Jumbos,” Pire said.

When asked how she reacted to these creepy sounds, she simply said she was: “totally terrified.”

Amy Witchee, a Daily writer and copy editor, headed down to the sauna to investigate for herself. Witchee stepped into the sauna, closed the door, and sat.

“I waited a long time,” Witchee told the Daily. ”[I waited] for at least an hour. Then the light bulb flickered off.

It was dark. So dark. I was scared. Then I heard the sound.”

The sound that Witchee heard in the sauna was very different from what Pire heard. "[It sounded] like a howling. [The howling] started low, deep. I almost didn’t hear it at first. Then it built in volume, and it felt like it was all around me,” Witchee said.

Witchee asked to take a break mid-

way through recounting her story. She was clearly upset, covered in sweat and shaking. After a 15 minute break, she asked to continue with the interview.

“Sorry, it’s just hard to relive,” she told the Daily. “That sound [in the sauna], it was unlike anything I’ve heard before. And when I tried to escape, [when I] tried to leave the sauna, the door was locked. I mean, I was literally stuck inside!”

When members of the Daily investigated the sauna, they saw that there was no lock on the door.

“I know it sounds crazy,” Witchee said. “I know there isn’t a lock, but I swear it was locked from the outside when I was there! I couldn’t leave. [I was] banging on the door, yelling for help, but no one heard me.”

Witchee asked to leave soon after finishing her story. She opened her backpack, took a broom out, and flew away on the broom. The Daily members watched her with mouths open, jealous and wishing they, too, could fly away from the horrors of this terrifying sauna.

Representatives from both Tufts Facilities & Maintenance and Tufts Athletics declined our requests for an interview on the matter.

“They’re hiding something,” history professor Ima Scaared shared

with the Daily. “And this isn’t the first time. Remember when there were red footprints leading up Memorial Steps? Yeah, you don’t remember. Because Tufts covered it up. [Tufts was] real hushhush about it.”

Scaared brought up their concerns with the University after seeing the red footprints, and was promptly handed an NDA. “But I’m breaking the stupid NDA,” Scaared said, shaking their head. “I don’t care if they sue me! I want the truth! Tufts students and faculty deserve the truth!”

The Daily omitted the rest of Scaared’s interview because it was entirely expletives. Scaared kicked over a chair and threw a water bottle, leaving a hole in the newsroom wall that the Daily unfortunately can’t afford to fix.

Wolff agreed with Scaared: ”[Tufts administration] doesn’t want to admit that there is a problem. I even took a voice recording of the sounds in the sauna. [When I showed] the voice memo to Tufts administration, I was told that I’m crazy. Then they deleted the memo from my phone.”

During his meeting with admin-

Ghost Activity In Tufts Sauna

GRAPHIC BY BEX POVILL for this option and pressed start on the machine.

The laundry drum started to spin faster and faster until it began sucking up every loose clothing item in the labyrinth. Then, breaking every law of physics, the machine spun so quickly that it opened a black hole style portal.

The first, looking at the second, said, “You said it earlier. You jump, I jump, Jack.”

With crispy Jumbo coming around the corner at full speed, the black hole seemed like a pretty good option, so they clasped hands and hopped into the laundry portal.

The students were spit out on the front step of Blakeley Hall, which had begun to take on the personified look of a jack-o’-lantern smile with broken windows for teeth and illuminated dormers for eyes.

Staring at each other in utter disbelief for everything that had just happened, the first said, “You know, I think I’ll live off campus next year.”

GRAPHIC BY AVRIL LYNCH

istration in Tufts President Sunil Kumar’s office, Wolff found something interesting: an article was tucked into a cabinet. "[Kumar] left for a second and I kind of just dug around in his stuff,” Wolff admitted. “And I found something really sus[picious].”

Wolff found an old newspaper, from the 1950s. ”[The newspaper] was dusty and torn in the corner. It looked like it hadn’t been read in a while.”

When asked what was in the newspaper, Wolff leaned in closer, then whispered: “It said some kid had died in the sauna.”

We relayed these stories to Ghost Expert Harry Podder. “It definitely sounds like there’s a ghost living in the sauna,” Podder said. When asked who to call for help, Podder told the Daily, “you need to call an expert, probably one of the Ghostbusters.”

The Daily reached out to the Ghostbusters a week ago and has not yet received a response.

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ARTS & WITCH CULT

THE TUFTS DAILY

Tuesday, October 31, 2023

ARTS & WITCH CULT

Sunil Kumar invites Sophie Turner to stay in Gifford House amid Joe Jonas divorce (Exclusive Sources) Henry Chandonnet

Sophie Turner has taken up residence in Gifford House at Tufts University on a special invitation from university president Sunil Kumar, multiple sources confirm to the Tufts Daily.

The “Game of Thrones” actress, 27, publicly announced her separation from the Jonas Brothers singer, 34, in a joint statement on Sept. 6. Since then, she’s been relying on close friends to help her through the public controversy.

“Sunil has grown close to Sophie over the past couple years, so he was happy to open his doors to her,” a source close to the university president said. “He’s blocked Joe on everything … Instagram, Facebook, LinkedIn, you name it. Sunil is 100% team Sophie.”

Turner and Kumar first met over glasses of champagne at Taylor Swift’s Rhode Island mansion, according to the source. While Turner and Swift have only recently grown close, Kumar has a storied past with the “Cruel Summer” singer, having been a part of Swift’s “squad” back in 2014. At the time, Kumar was the Dean Staff Gabber

GRAPHIC BY KAITLYN WELLS

of the University of Chicago Booth School of Business.

“Sunil has remained close with all those girls from back in Chicago …

Kendall [Jenner], Lorde, Karlie [Kloss], you name it. They still have a groupchat, though it’s mostly just shooting TikToks back and forth now,” the source close to

Ishaan Rajiv Rajabali Dewick Debacles

The Downhill Dining Experience

T

ufts Dining, ranked #2 in Massachusetts by niche.com on a college dining ranking, has recently been receiving widespread criticism from the student community on a variety of its culinary creations, from hash browns to halal chicken.

After an unfortunate experience choking on the latter in Carmichael, this critic decided to investigate options on the other end of the hill instead.

Dewick’s long-winding queues can be trickier to navigate than midterm week - you find yourself in the line at lunchtime, only to find out that it is the dinner period when you reach the front. One must eventually seek sustenance at other counters - the All9Free one is certainly free of allergens, but what about novel diseases? Students currently seeking research topics for epidemiology-related projects will have a field day in this Russian roulette of bacteria, virus, or mystery microorganism.

Amidst pizzas in desperate need of consistency, salads sans any nutrition, and pork chop barbecue so ordinary it’s just Ken, the aspect of dining that students are most appreciative of is the little note at every station.

“Did you know there’s no French word for baguette?” exclaimed a Dewick-goer. “You learn something every day, I guess. Yesterday I learned that the stuff at the salad bar isn’t actually vegetables!”

“Takeaway is usually uncommon here,” remarked another Dewick regular. “Usually, it’s only sick students who can’t eat in the dining hall who do that - there’s no evidence that it has worsened their illnesses, mostly because the evidence has to be disposed of in biohazard bags immediately.”

All things considered though, digestive drama is a cornerstone of the college experience, and Dewick ensures it eternally. This critic finds that this staple of the Tufts experience will retain students’ loyalty for the time being, broken soft-serve machines and all.

HENRY CHANDONNET / THE TUFTS DAILY

A toxic Dewick is pictured. Look at the tiny viruses on their plates! Teehee.

Kumar said. “Any friend of Taylor’s is a friend of Sunil’s.”

For her part, Turner has been enjoying the Tufts campus. As the leaves begin to change, Turner loves taking in the Fall air, sipping on a warm Hot Karl from The Sink, and playing with the dogs on President’s Lawn, according to a source close to the actress.

“Sophie’s learned so much from the Tufts community,” the source said. “She’s taken up crocheting, rock climbing, and recently bought her first pair of Carhartts!”

Of course, it took some work to get Gifford House in tip-top shape for Turner.

According to another source close to the university president, Kumar started by “removing his Ring camera.”

“After Tony [Monaco, Kumar’s predecessor] left Gifford House, the place was totally trashed. Dirty plates everywhere, a small family of rats growing in the basement,” the source said. “Sunil had to clean up the place, not just for his family but also for Sophie.”

Turner’s presence has been felt around campus, with several students posting their snaps of the “Do Revenge” actress to Sidechat. Junior Aaron Gruen explained how he knew the actress was residing in Somerville.

“I had heard all the rumors that Sophie was on campus, but I had no proof,” Gruen said. “Then I heard ‘Mr. Perfectly Fine’ blasting out of Sunil’s house, and I knew it had to be true.”

At least 10 other students recounted hearing “Mr. Perfectly Fine” coming from Gifford House, with some telling the Daily that the song was a “banger” but that it was getting “disruptive.” The song, released on Swift’s 2021 album “Fearless (Taylor’s Version),” has been rumored to be written about Joe Jonas.

“It’s become a sort of anthem for us Jumbos,” Gruen said. “Goodbye, Joe! How’s your heart after breaking Sophie’s?”

Senior Caroline Vandis described seeing Turner and Kumar out on the town for a joyous night in Davis Square.

“I was just enjoying my deliciously overpriced bowl of pasta at Posto, when suddenly Sunil walks in with Sophie. They sat at the table next to me,” Vandis said. “They sipped on wine, enjoyed the burrata, and gossiped all night long.”

Having overheard Kumar and Turner’s conversation, Vandis came down firmly in the actress’ defense.

“I’ll say it, I hate Joe Jonas,” Vandis said.

“Welcome, Sophie, to campus. Glad you could get away from that measly little New Jersey scumbag.”

Tufts ghost hunters capture ghost of Marston Balch in Balch Arena Theater Balch Arena Theater, the longtime performance space of Tufts’ theater department, is beloved by weird theater kids all over campus who have nothing better to do.

The theater is named after Marston Balch, a former Tufts professor who established the Department of Drama and Speech in 1940. That’s why it came as a surprise this past weekend when it was announced that a ghost was captured in the theater the ghost of Marston Balch himself.

This news was broken by the leadership of the Ghost Busters Society, Tufts’ first and only student ghost hunting organization.

Concerns were initially raised about a strange presence in the theater when a member of the custodial staff reported hearing strange noises coming from under the theater’s trapdoor.

“I didn’t think anything of it at first,” the custodian said. “I thought I heard somebody singing in the theater around 2 a.m., but I assumed it was just a sleep-deprived actor rehearsing in the middle of the night.”

The custodian wasn’t the only person who witnessed these weird noises, as his story was soon verified by multiple earwitnesses. Several students reported hearing tongue twisters and lip trills coming from the depths of the theater, but it wasn’t until this past Sunday that the Ghost Busters Society was called in to assist.

NATE HALL WROTE THIS

himself and beg the students to stop singing.

After his capture, the Daily sat down for an interview with Balch, who died GRAPHIC BYhenry in 1987. According to Balch, he’s not here to haunt any“We’re just glad we one - he just wants his moment in the spotlight.

“I was a teacher here for so many years, but I never got the chance to perform on this stage. To be honest, I had stage fright. Some people take a little while to get over their stage fright. For me, it took about 100 years. But now I’m finally ready to get up there.”

The theatre departcould ment plans to cast the ghost help,” said of Marston Balch in their next Jackson O’Lantern, production, but they have already the President of the faced several hurdles in the process.

Ghost Busters Society. “There Balch has no knowledge of modhaven’t been any ghosts at Tufts in years. Paranormal activity has ern musical theater, and he neardropped to all-time low on cam- ly fainted when somebody tried to pus, so we’ve had to start offering explain the concept of “Hamilton.” other services instead. Last year, we To make matters worse, at a recent helped the President get a skeleton costume fitting, the costumes fell out of his house, but ever since we right through him.

The larger Tufts community is captured Bony Monaco, we’ve just been waiting around for another big still reeling from the shock of the job. And this week, we finally got it.” ghost’s discovery. A representative The Ghost Busters entered the from the Tufts Department of Public theater on Sunday night, using their Safety commended the Ghost cutting-edge ghost-catching tech- Busters for their work in a recent nology in an effort to apprehend Mr. email to students and staff, saying Balch. When that didn’t work, they “we have these students to thank for began an impromptu performance the safety and security of our camof Andrew Lloyd Webber’s “Cats” - pus, and they deserve to be propperhaps the worst form of psycho- erly rewarded for their courageous logical torture known to man. Balch efforts.” As a reward, the students had no other choice but to reveal received $5 in JumboCash.

THE TUFTS DAILY

Tuesday, October 31, 2023

ADS (AND PHOTOS)

Late Night At The Daily Aaron: “Let’s hope the hiccups don’t turn into vom.”

KIDDIES IN KOSTUMES

ADS (AND PHOTOS)

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THE ONION

THE

THE TUFTS DAILY

Tuesday, October 31, 2023

ONION>>>>>>> VIEWPOINT

We are not a-moo-sed by the udder milks .... . ...... ...... .. ......

Kevin Golub | Cream Connoisseur and Reya Kumar | Lactose Tolerant

In a recent Tufts Daily Opinion Section meeting, an interesting debate occurred. It began with Opinion Exec Julieta Grané‘s icebreaker question: “Milk. Thoughts?” Rather than discuss important domestic and international news topics and article proposals, the opinion staff writers launched into a heated debate concerning their views on milk. Writers voiced a wide range of opinions on moo juice, with some diving deeper to discuss their preferred milk type and milk-based scenarios. Just like lactase in the small intestine, let’s break this lactose down.

Let’s start with the S tier: 2% and oat are the GOAT. 2% – the OG milk: Not too watery, not too thick.

And definitely not chunky (moooove on down the page for more on this).

And oat, its non-dairy counterpart.

Great on its own, but better in coffee drinks. It’s all down-pasture from here…

A: Almond, Soy, and Cashew – we apologize to those with nut allergies, but the hoe-down must go on! If these are your milks of choice, drinkers of authentic milk have beef with you. But we think these milks have their place, like cows in a barn.

B: Coconut, Whole, 1%, and Lactaid – this group is as diverse and varied as bovine mammals (which includes the beefalo – look it up, you won’t be disappointed). First off, shout out to the lactose-free folks out there – We see you. And while 1% is kind of useless, at least it’s better than skim! Despite whole being a popular choice for espresso-based drinks, please don’t drink it straight up. That’s nasty. Finally, coconut milk belongs in piña coladas. Word.

C: Hemp, Skim, and Goat – we’re officially entering what the fuckery.

Hemp is an odd one, but at least it’s fresh, unlike that unpasteurized shit (keep reading for more on that). Skim milk is like your weird uncle’s comedy: uncomfortable and watered down. Goat milk may make great cheese, but the above options have it bleat.

D: Flax and Rice – Flax milk is like Limeade Oreos: neither should exist.

NOT SURE IF YOU’RE GULL O IBLE? COME T T TISCH ROOF A 3PM TMR TO FIND OUT!

GRAPHIC BY ALIZA KIBEL The same goes for rice milk. Don’t milk it – pilaf it.

F: Unpasteurized/Raw (a.k.a. Max’s fav) – we don’t have enough space to describe how far you should run if you encounter unpasteurized milk. Also

known as raw milk and “Max’s fav,” this horrible substance wreaked havoc on society, causing rampant tuberculosis, scarlet fever, and typhoid. Louis Pasteur’s triumphant invention of pasteurization saved the day! According

to the CDC, unpasteurized milk can “pose serious risks to you and your family.” Not only is raw milk dangerous, it’s also disgusting. In case you were unaware, unpasteurized milk has a fascinating texture. It cannot pass through a strainer successfully – its chunks are an obstruction. Except some people drink it anyway. Meet Maxwell.

He is one of the Deputy Opinion Editors at the Daily. When he is not editing opinion articles, you can find Maxwell drinking raw milk and “chomping down on a milk ball.” Despite the CDC’s dire warnings, Maxwell continues to drink it, saying, “It has absolutely no impact on my body and I’ve never even been that sick from it.” While we wish Maxwell good health, we hope that drinking unpasteurized milk gives him the occasional indigestion – so that he listens to his body and stops consuming it. Not sure if there are any twelve-step programs for raw milk consumers, but we implore you to seek counseling for your obsession.

Despite Maxwell’s burning passion for chunky milk, we encourage you to refrain from drinking it by selecting one of the many alternatives we have listed. If we can’t convince you, maybe the wise words of the CDC can: for more information, please visit tinyurl.com/yrpte9tb.

VIEWPOINT

, , , , , , , , , , , , The Case for the Oxford Comma, , , , , , , , , , , , Toby Winick

Opinion, Editor

*** Writer’s note: M-Board if you take out these Oxford commas I will be really sad :( *** *** Editor’s note: idgaf *** I’m sick of talking about boring, overdone and drawn-out things no one cares enough to read about. Insofar as it seems like only people in the Daily read the Daily, it’s time to talk about the issues that matter: Why on Earth do my Oxford commas keep getting deleted?

It has long been the policy of the Tufts Daily’s organizational style guidelines to prohibit the usage of the serial comma, otherwise known as the Oxford comma. Indeed, the style guidelines state “Do not use serial or Oxford commas. E.g., in a list of items, do not place a comma before the word ‘and’ or ‘or’ at the end of the list: ‘I ate an apple, an orange and a banana for breakfast.’”

Though the Daily’s editors at every level (section, executive

and managing) make numerous edits for clarity, conciseness and flow, such as rephrasing sentences, choosing better vocabulary and writing out small numbers, the removal of the Oxford comma is the one that most frequently frustrates writers. I would like to explore the numerous arguments in favor of the Oxford comma.

First, it is called the Oxford comma for a reason. It was introduced just over a century ago at the Oxford University Press, and the institution’s renown made it influential. I believe that this prestige associated with the institution is a testament to why the Tufts Daily needs to adopt it. You certainly don’t hear anybody talking about the Tufts apostrophe, the Kumar ampersand or the Jumbo semicolon (in fact, is there even a Tufts University Press?). The fact that the Oxford (again, no Tufts dictionary) definition of it alludes to our intra-city rival Harvard by listing the alternate name of the “Harvard comma” is only salt in

the wound. Tufts would do well to model these two world-renowned universities. Tufts already has a study-in-Oxford program. I doubt the brightest minds in the U.K. want to come to Medford, Mass.

And to anyone who claims that Tufts is also world-renowned, which school would your mother rather you attend?

Next, it adds understanding, clarity and proper flow to sentences that involve it. As anyone who has read the seminal work “Eats, Shoots & Leaves: The Zero Tolerance Approach to Punctuation” can tell you, there are significant differences associated with the cognitive grouping that inherently comes with the lack of a serial comma. Wikipedia (the most reliable source of information) uses the example book dedication “To my parents, Ayn Rand and God” to show what can happen without an Oxford comma. The thought of being descended from Ayn Rand is enough to send chills down the spine, shivers throughout the body and vomit up the esopha-

gus. Unfortunately, in either case the book will be dedicated to her, but at least you can isolate yourself from such dreadful philosophy by blood.

The last and most important argument is that it makes your writing sound much more pretentious. As somebody whose most recent article was about the Roman Empire, I can testify that making your writing sound important when it is in fact not is an incredible skill. And as we all know, the more punctuation that you use, the better your writing sounds. Forcing the reader to pause and admire your magnum opus is really just a service to the community. Moreover, you can hope that your editor, professor or email correspondent will grow so weary of your writing that they just send it through with minimal edits, a good grade or breaking off the dreaded corporate email chain.

Still, the biggest issue I take is that the Daily seems to actually recognize how foolish this standard is yet leave it unchanged.

From the aforementioned style guidelines, there are numerous examples of the Daily’s editors, who wrote it, failing to conform to their own standards.

For instance, the Sports section advises people to refer to athletes with “their year (first-year, sophomore, etc.), any qualifiers/positions (captain, forward, goalie, etc) and their full name.”

Though an important message, a particularly baffling section reads “always follow the subject’s preference and never guess someone’s nationality, ethnicity or race. We encourage you to research the nationalities, ethnicities, races and cultures listed.” The trained, cynical and Daily-experienced eye would immediately recognize that the first sentence uses an Oxford comma on “or race,” while the second drops it with “races and cultures!” It seems that the Daily cannot make up its mind over best editing practices, and I contend that it needs to align itself with the good of an Oxford comma at this crucial crossroads.

WAIT ... WHY IS HE ALL CAKED UP?

THE TUFTS DAILY

Tuesday, October 31, 2023

😱 Art is Fake 🙀

Opinion THE ONION

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VIEWPOINT

KUNAL BOTLA Art Traitor Recently, the role of art has taken a heightened role in society-much to the dismay of engineers, with artists commenting on the “emotion” and “feel” of everything they make. Like, when was the last time you actually

“Spirit Halloween stores should replace every art school in the country. Starting with the School of the Museum of Fine Arts at Tufts University.” cared about the chair you sat on.

Especially the details? The color?

The shape? The anything, honestly. Be so for real.

The solution is simple. Spirit Halloween. Need I say more. Okay my editor said I need say more.

Spirit Halloween stores should replace every art school in the country. Starting with the School of the Museum of Fine Arts at Tufts University. I mean the argument is simple, it just actually became a part of Tufts, and have you ever

The SMFA Spirit Halloween is pictured. actually seen a smeefa, smuffa, whatever you call it student? I think they just lurk in the shadows of the shuttle and the SMFA café (I know this is the first time I’ve seen the sun in days).

First of all, the Spirit Halloween at Tufts University just sounds better. Like what even is a museum

of fine arts?? They already have so many paintings, why do they need to teach people to make more???

And think about the thrifted clothes and Doc Martians you wouldn’t have to see. The SMFA Shuttle that goes somewhere no one knows about would go to our very own Spirit Halloween!

HENRY CHANDONNET / THE TUFTS DAILY

Just imagine how spectacular it could be: filling that entire atrium with packages of the most generic halloween costumes you’ve ever seen, broken scare decorations, and children having tantrums over some obscure costume that they won’t even remember in a few years.

Think of the Rhode Island Spirit Halloween of Design in Providence, the Massachusetts College of Spirit and Halloween in Boston, the New Spirit Halloween of Design, the Spirit Halloween Institute, the Fashion Spirit Halloween Institute (still FIT, to be clear) all in New York City, and the School of the Spirit Institute of Halloween in Chicago. Museums and art schools across the country could embody the future of American capitalism, commercialization, and creativity.

Let me be clear, I’m not saying art is bad. I’m saying we don’t need any more of it. We don’t build buildings anymore and even when we do, half of the time, they look like they could’ve been designed by an AI model looking at the most basic office building, and the other half they’re so beautiful the people who made them must be naturally gifted-they don’t need a professor to teach them anything. At the end of the day, do we need a society with any more creativity than Spirit Halloween offers us? Spirit Halloween offers us every version of knockoff T.V. show characters, emergency responders, snacks (?), Disney characters, and more!

This Halloween, we should look forward to the Spirit Halloween at Tufts University, a part of the School of Arts & Sciences.

“SCIENCE” Meg Radke DEFINITELY not a vampire

The Etiology and Progression of Virus Sanguisugae

Vampirism is the expression in humans of Virus Sanguisugae, which originated in organisms of the Desmodontinae species, commonly known as vampire bats.

This virus is passed through the ingestion of the blood of an infected specimen, an etiology which mirrors one of its primary symptoms — hematophagy, or the dietary trait of drinking blood.

When a human ingests the blood of a vampire, most often by force, they immediately lose consciousness. They remain comatose for approximately one week, as Virus Sanguisugae penetrates every cell in the human body, changing phenotypic gene expressions and resulting in what is realistically a different species. Genes that create telomerase, activated only in germ cells in humans, are activated in every cell, augmenting telomeres and thus stopping aging in its tracks.

The digestive system is completely reworked to support a hematic diet. Blood is a protein-intense nutrient, with few vitamins or lipids. When proteins are metabolized they degrade into carbon dioxide, water, and urea, which can build up in the blood and become toxic to cells. The kidneys become enlarged to filter and excrete the urea and other protein metabolites. In addition, the species in the gut microbiome change with the altered diet to generate vitamins and lipids lacking in a blood-based diet.

Vampirism in no myth. In fact, the expression of vampirism has a vast and complicated scientific background.

GRAPHIC BYALIZA KIBEL

The virus has evolved in ways that prioritize a vampire’s ability to hunt and infect humans, thus ensuring the reproduction of the virus. Thus, vampires are nocturnal, as it is easier to catch humans off guard in the dark.

Though popular fiction implies that they experience photosensitivity, this is only partially true. Changes in the vampire

brain result in enhanced optical perception and particularly scotopia, commonly known as night vision, to increase their hunting abilities. This can be uncomfortable in the daylight, but there is otherwise no reason they must avoid solar radiation. Vampires’ unnatural pallor is only partially due to their nocturnal tendencies — it is

primarily caused by a lack of blood. Vampires can appear almost human directly after feeding. In addition, vampires have hyperreflexia — heightened reflexes that are the result of thicker motor neurons and augmented fast twitch fibers in the vampire musculature.

In fact, vampire feeding is facilitated by phenotypic chang-

es in the oral region. Upon infection, the cuspid teeth sharpen and elongate, enabling the vampire to easily puncture skin. The salivary glands produce a different mixture than that of humans, including anticoagulants, vasodilators, and anesthetics which respectively prevent scabbing, stimulate increased blood flow, and calm the victim. This mixture, common in other hematophagic animals such as vampire bats and leeches, allows the vampire to quickly consume its meal without fighting the human biology.

Contrary to popular belief, the vampire bite is not enough to transmit Virus Sanguisugae; the victim must ingest the blood that runs through the vampire’s circulatory system.

Vampirism can also be passed down hereditarily. As per biology major Mia Silvestri, “While uncommon, as we know there are child vampires, the most likely explanation involves the vertical transfer of hereditary information.” However, this virus could only be passed down by a biologically male vampire as male gametes are produced throughout their lifetime, whereas ova are formed before birth, and thus would not be affected by Virus Sanguisugae.

We hope this article has informed you on the etiology and progression of Virus Sanguisugae. Stay safe this Halloween. The vampires lie in wait.

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SP0RKS

THE TUFTS DAILY

Tuesday, October 31, 2023

SP0RKS Old age is no match for pickleball prowess: recapping the Golden Bachelor Pickleball tournament Caroline Vandis 👑 Associate Editor who slayssss injury earned her some extra one-on-one time with Gerry.

Last Thursday, America’s fastest growing sport (don’t get left behind) took center stage on ABC’s primetime smash-hit The Golden Bachelor. The remaining eight ladies, all aged over 65, took to the courts to battle it out for pickleball glory and first-ever Golden Bachelor Gerry’s heart.

“I am so excited for today,” Pickleball Captain Ellen said. “I am in my element and I am ready to play some pickleball!”

“Never played pickleball,” Sandra, who has no chance at breaking hometowns said. “But if Gerry plays with us, I would love to dink him or dookle him … this sounds so naughty. What a sport.”

The ladies were greeted by the man of the hour, Gerry Turner, who informs them that pickleball is part of his life, and will be part of the life of whoever he chooses at the end of this crazy journey we’re taking together. ABC’s next bachelor Joey Graziadei also joins the group to show off his talents as a professional tennis player and charisma as a professional sweetheart.

“I wonder why they call it pickleball,” Mboard favorite Susan said. “It is a game, and there is a ball. I don’t see the pickle!”

April, who presented Gerry with a calendar filled with pictures of herself and only the month April, falls during practice, alleging a twisted ankle. This

take the win.

The next match pits Theresa and

CAZZO.

GRAPHIC BY RACHEL LIU “Actually, I am totally fine,” she said, with a wink to the camera.

The tournament begins. The prize?

A feature in inPickleball magazine, to Ellen’s delight.

The first match is April and Faith’s Pinkie Dinkies vs. Ellen and Kathy’s Picklelicious Paddles. The Picklelicious Paddles, the first seed, unsurprisingly

Susan’s Purple Picklettes against Sandra and Nancy’s Bitchin Kitchen.

“Bitchin’ Kitchens, you’re going down,” Susan said. The Picklettes are the projected losers of this matchup, as Susan and Theresa could not hit the ball during the warmup.

In a game winning move, Sandra goes diving into the crowd to hit the ball. The crowd does not save her.

“I want to point out that Sandra is playing with two artificial knees and she’s also missing her daughter’s wedding,” Host Jesse Palmer said from the sidelines.

“Wow, that’s something,” Gerry said.

Bitchin’ Kitchen takes the game, setting themselves up against the Picklelicious Paddles in the Golden Bachelor Pickleball Championship.

The stakes are high, the game is intense. This is the most exciting game of the tournament “We’re dinking, we’re going for balls,” Nancy said. “How could Gerry not love this?

“My daughter is getting married today,” Sandra said. “But I got a goal, I want to win. So we got to dig our heels in and we got to give it our all.”

Both women lose, and The Picklelicious Paddles take the tournament. Ellen takes the opportunity to give Gerry a smooch on the lips, and Kathy also gives him a smooch on the lips.

And with that, the question of who the best pickleball players is settled. And yet, the question of who will win Gerry’s heart remains. While Ellen may not have won the Golden Bachelor, she has won America’s heart. The Golden Bachelor airs on Thursdays at 8.

HEADLINE : NBA unveils new High School Proxy Tournament Oliver Fox

🦊 Resident Sports Guy

This year, the NBA will be debuting its much anticipated in-season tournament, complete with a group stage and a mid-season bracket in Las Vegas. However, despite receiving much less media attention, the league will also be debuting an experimental contest sure to stir up fan interest: The NBA High School Proxy Tournament.

Approved at the annual League Meeting’s back in 1978—while the Cold War was still at the forefront of American thought—the NBA High School Proxy Tournament will pit high school teams against each other as a means of deciding NBA superiority.

Each of the 30 teams will select a representative out of a pre-screened pool of possible high schools to serve as their Proxy, though the schools themselves will not be informed of their participation until a week before their first match.

Then-Commissioner Larry O’Brien alluded to something of the sort back in 1978, but exactly what he was referring to was not known at the time.

“We came up with a pretty good idea that we hope will distract people from our league’s… conduct issues,” O’Brien said to the single NBA reporter that existed back then. “We’re not sure if we can get it funded, but we think it’s a politically expedient idea.”

The drug-laden league was unable to fund the project back in the 70s, so the project was shelved until the league felt it could be properly implemented.

However, with the current student athletic system being basically that of a drug cartel, the NBA saw it as the perfect time to put their long-laid plans into motion. The NCAA and the athletic conferences rob college athletes of hundreds of millions of dollars by refusing to pay them, so the NBA chose to capitalize on high schoolers who may be without a stable financial future before the system has a chance to improve.

“I mean, we had to strike the iron while it was hot,” NBA Commissioner Adam Silver said in a private conversa-

tion, which was secretly recorded with a desk microphone. “With how the current student-athlete system seems to be running, we didn’t want to chance people actually realizing that kids are basically getting robbed blind.”

To make sure competitiveness is assured, elite private schools with well-funded athletic programs have been banned. The pool will consist only of slightly-underfunded public high schools, whose basketball programs generally win 1-2 playoff games every third year before drifting back into obscurity.

The tournament will consist of three rounds. The first will be a double round-robin, requiring teams to travel across the country multiple times over to play each opponent twice. The NBA thought this system of unnecessary travel would prepare the high schoolers well for the NCAA, which has recently undergone significant realignment, forcing the Rutgers squash team to fly to Los Angeles to play UCLA. Round one will take about

one and a half years to complete.

“I’m not really sure what the NBA is asking us to do,” said Northern Lansing High School basketball coach Jim Hyatt. “Most of my students miss practice when they have an AP Biology test, and I’m not even allowed to tell them no. Now I have to fly to California because the Dallas Mavericks said so?”

Despite the immense number of games in round one, only four teams will be eliminated. The remaining 26 will move onto round two, which will be a three-month-long tournament in Jacksonville, Florida from October through December. The eventual champion wins the NBA Scepter for the team that selected them, and the high school coach will receive a $600 bonus.

The tourn a m e n t ’s effects on the school year are unknown.