T H E H I G H LY- C O D E P E N D E N T S T U D E N T R E S U M E PA D D E R S I N C E T H E D AW N O F T I M E
DTD dog comes out: ‘I’m gay’
That Dingy Basement, Mass.
Renaissance Tour.
circuit gay, and let us be clear: that is not okay.” F-150 went to his first ATO party on Saturday, and will be traveling to Boston College in the coming weeks. “I heard the gays were better there,” he said. “The Tufts ones are kinda wack.”
Tuesday, October 31, 2023
VOLUME 86, ISSUE VIII
DJ Danny V ATO pledge The resident dog of Delta Tau Delta spoke to the Daily on Oct. 28 following his first homosexual experience. Ford F-150, a brown mutt(?), allegedly lives in the fraternity’s 98 Professors Row house and claims the brothers have been “very supportive” of his identity. F-150 was previously linked to TUPD’s Pepper, a militant black lab who formerly worked as a KGB drug sniffer. Pepper declined to comment on the matter. F-150, sporting a Charli XCX tee and a leather spiked collar (in a gay way, not a dog way), gave his first exclusive interview to the Daily since coming out as a Homosexual Canine. “I love butts,” F-150 said. “I was sniffing one and that’s when it hit me: I’m gay.” One DTD brother, who asked to be called “Bud Light,” said the fraternity will be hosting a LGBT themed event in honor of Ford F-150.
“Dudeee, we are gonna have drag queens and shit,” the DTD brother said. “It will be so … slay.” The Delts have decked the house with rainbow flags
and pledged to donate $12 million to the Gay Dogs Association of America — an organization dedi-
cated to taking young puppies to Beyonce’s
“We are thrilled to hear about Ford F-150’s brave coming out,” they said. “We are concerned he may become a
Wren Hall set to be DEMOLISHED after yet another falafel fire scare Katie Spiropoulos
Disgruntled Wrensident
At the sickening hour of 3:39 a.m. last Thursday, hundreds of lottery number losers were shocked awake by yet ANOTHER Wren fire alarm. As the ear-piercing shrieks rang out, sleep-deprived sophomores shuffled onto the infamous useless Wren bridge and waited hoping to see the building burn. Despite the three-engine response, the cause of the disturbance turned out to be the end result of a careless vegan’s midnight snack: burned falafel. This is the fourth incident in the last six weeks and Tufts Labor Coalition has already been spotted planning a formal protest calling for “equal sleep for all” outside Carmichael Dining Center. In response to the threats and Thursday’s falafel fire, President Sunil Kumar announced the official demolition of Wren Hall. Constructed in the Paleolithic era (1964), Wren has disappointed suites of sophomores for decades. Among the numerous fire scares, the dorm has been plagued by the Wren creeper, open suite break-ins and countless
key card malfunctions leaving students locked out. Additionally, its position at the top of Mount Everest (past res quad) causes thousands of cases of shin splints and uphill irritation across the Tufts community annually.
tip from the Office of Residential Life suggests there have been talks of a return to students living in the nearby Hyatt Hotel. The unnamed source, disguised under the name housingwhaaaaaat@tufts.69, encouraged
“You know we have always had our issues with this particular dormitory due to its natural vulnerability to black mold and creepy crawly friends,” Skellington said. “Wren is just one of those places where you never feel totally safe.
Wren Hall is pictured on fire being demolished. With explosions. And fire. It’s EPIC.
HENRY CHANDONNET
The news of Wren’s closing comes as a shocker not because of the building’s shoddy reputation but because of what its loss will mean to Tufts’ overcrowding problem. It is estimated that the building’s closure will leave up to 400 students homeless. An anonymous
students to “buckle up for a long bumpy ride back to Medford’s least favorite cheap hotel.” Jack Skellington, head of roach control for Wren and the other residential quad dorms, suggested that perhaps this demolition has been a long time coming.
You live there, you deal, but it certainly isn’t the ritziest of abodes,” he continued. “While I thought nothing could get worse than the great cockroach flood of 2003, each year proves to be a deliciously new disaster. It’s funny: I always knew
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the roaches liked falafel, but I didn’t think the smoke alarm didn’t,” Skellington said. Sally Finklestein, head of communications for TUPD, further commented on the security concerns surrounding Wren. “The Wren creeper was a onetime incident, I can promise you that. I mean, what are we supposed to do with kids not setting boundaries with their Grubhub drivers,” Finklestein said. “Additionally, Wren’s bridge and moat have proved very effective in eliminating intruders through our trapdoor-repulsion system. Our planned demolition has nothing to do with these blasphemous concerns and we will continue to leave the safety of our students in their own hands.” Regardless of the reasons (or rats) why, the death certificate for Wren Hall has been signed for December 2nd, and just like Miley Cyrus, the wrecking ball will come in. Hit up 1-800-Wren’s-Not-YourFriend for all the details on destruction and to donate to the homeless student support fund for all current Wren residents. Nudes Feet Arts & Witch Cult ADS (and photos) The Onion “Science” Sp0rks
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