& PROCTOR
Green Line UnExtended: “We take it back”
Josue perizz / bisexual fetus
Phillip Eng, godly supreme leader of the MBTA, announced on october thirteenth that the Gre(evil) Line extension will be undone.
“Yeah, it was a stupid venture. I have no idea why so many people thought it was a good idea. The GLX was such a money bleed. This BIDENFLATION has got me and the MBTA moving away from the damn liberals,” said Eng.
The GLX extension was unerected following the derailment near Lechmere on october one. He shriveled up in the cold weather.
In an interview with the Daiky (because she is receptive to doing real, on-the-record interviews and is cool as fuck for that), Medford Mayor Breanna Lungo-Koehn expressed disappointment at the removal of the GLX extension: “It took a lot for us to raise the little guy from Lechmere up to his full length.”
It took a while to erect the Green Line, just like it’s taking a while for Medford to raise the money it needs for its budget because of decades of fiscal mismanagement at the hands of Mayor (Top) Mikhail McGlynn. Everyone (Bottom) glazes him so hard. MEDFORD, GET OFF OF HIS DICK. IT WOULD HELP YOU GUYS IN THE LONG RUN.
An anonymous city councilor with a Bahston accent said, “The extension got turned off by Medford’s biggest ick: Questions 6, 7, & 8.”
The Daiky did 5 rounds of heavy fact—checking and found that that is not true. The extension was turned off by another reason that Eng gave the Daiky.
In a rare interview with the Daiky, Eng shared, “We tried our hardest to keep the GLX at full length, but after Medford/Tufts said, ‘Ur a nice guy, I don’t want to ruin our friendship,’ I knew the relationship wasn’t going
to last. The Lechmere derailment wasn’t the only thing that went out that night.” He then broke into tears and we ended the interview, despite him
The Medford///Tufts, Ball Square, Magoun Square, Gilman Square, and East Somerville stations will be demolished and the remain ing track used as sidings for run
down like the Extension itself. Advocates for the Green Line’s Erection to return have been rallying to steal some Honey Packets from a football player’s stash and give it to Lechmere.
Sir Topham Hatt, director of the advocacy group “Re-Erect the Green Line,” said, “Give the Green Line something to look forward to! Give him the ener-
more about the T
gy Medford/Tufts wants with some HONEY. Make the Green Line responsible, reliable, and really useful!”
For now, it seems that the Green Line will have to rebound with another branch line. Eng told the Daily: “The D branch needs some more D.”
While Eng told the Daily that no Honey packets would be
involved in erecting more green line beyond Union Square, the Daily spotted the football team carrying boxes marked, “NOT HONEY.” Could’ve fooled me, junior.
The Honey may be the secret sauce to this re-erection because a map was leaked to the Daily that showed plans to extend the D branch to
Intercourse, Pennsylvania. When asked if this was a plot to extend Boston supremacy like in that one National Green Line map, Eng wrote, “GIVE ME MORE HONEY, BURT.”
(On a separate note to those reading: Would you move a bed to align it North-South?)
Gross football players/ roommates aside, it is unknown
how this will affect the economies of South Medford and North and East Somerville. The Daiky didn’t interview any Tufts students because they were too busy in their bisexual fantasies.
MEDFORD, VOTE YES ON QUESTIONS 6, 7, AND 8.
rfk JR. admits to burning down jumbo statue in the 1970s
ZOE she/her/man
after a year of bizarre admissions, ROBERT F. KENNEDY JR. stormed the daily office to set the record straight: he was the one who burned down jumbo. throughout his campaign, KENNEDY family black sheep RFK JR. has admitted, unprompted, to many strange stories. last may, kennedy declared that he believed that a brain-eating parasite had consumed a portion of his brain. in august, KENNEDY posted on x (formerly twitter) retelling the tale of when he found a dead bear cub in upstate new york, drove it back to manhattan in his car, and ended up staging a false bike accident with the bear cub in central park –a classic activity to do with your buddies. ironically, tatiana schlossberg, RFK JR.‘s cousin, reported on the mysterious bear incident for the new york times in 2014, completely oblivious to her cousin’s shenanigans. one might have thought that once kennedy announced the end of his 2024 presidential campaign in august, these strange stories from his past would stop being revealed, but unfortunately for RFK
JR., this has not been the case. in mid september, it was announced that RFK JR. was being investigated by the national oceanic and atmospheric administration for accusations of chopping off the head of a dead whale and driving
RFK JR. waltzed into the daily office and demanded that his story be told.
“i heard that @ kamalahq was going to reveal this about me, so i just thought it was time,” he said. “there was never an electrical fire in barnum.”
son’… it’s a lame chant. i mean, john harvard has to be the lamest mascot ever … second to that tree stanford adopted in ‘75.”
tufts daily members, always the most professional, resisted the opportunity to crack a joke about harvard. instead, staff members invited MR. KENNEDY to continue.
with the head tied to the top of his car on the highway… twenty years ago. though noaa just closed its investigation, the accusations speak volumes towards MR. KENNEDY’S bizarre reputation. however, while the public might have thought that RFK JR. was finally going to stop being connected to the stealing and destroying of dead animals, somehow, they were wrong.
just days before noaa dropped their investigation,
unprompted, RFK JR. pulled out his phone and revealed a photo of our favorite formerly taxidermied elephant: jumbo.
“it was me. i’m the reason jumbo burned down in barnum hall in april 1975.”
RFK JR. then sat down, waiting a moment before stating that in 1975, he was studying nearby at some local school called harvard university.
“i was in my third year at harvard, and i was just so tired of yelling ‘go crim-
“well, i met this girl at some party who was going on and on about how great jumbo was,” he said. “i thought, logically, i should take him — i should take jumbo and make him harvard’s mascot.”
RFK JR. then stated that after the party, he and some of his friends decided they would drive over to medford and take that elephant for themselves. RFK JR. smiled as he recounted the night in his gritty voice.
“we actually got lost on the way over there … none of us had ever been to medford.”
once the harvard gang made the perilous journey to medford, they strutted up to barnum hall in the middle of the night.
“i just remember the walk was one endless hill. i debated if jumbo was really worth it. i mean, who builds
a school on one giant hill?”
RFK JR. recounted that it was easy to get into barnum and that nobody was around.
“once we got inside, i saw that majestic elephant. i just stared up into its black lifeless eyes. it was kinda like the mona lisa — the eyes just followed me. i knew he had to come home with me,” he said.
RFK JR. then explained that they tried to move jumbo, but the elephant would not budge. he was too big to even fit out the door. how many college students does it take to steal a taxidermied elephant? the world may never know. at this moment RFK JR. made a face, recalling some memory.
“that’s when we heard someone call out...we got scared. and by that point i had made a connection with the elephant. that was my elephant. and i thought it would be kinda funny if, you know, i set the elephant on fire. so nobody could have it.”
RFK JR. then recounted that he ran back down the hill to get some gasoline, the one thing he brought for his elephant heist.
“i ran all the way back up that hill for that elephant. the rest is kinda fuzzy.”
Tufts to eliminate gluten-free options – and students
Mr. Winick-Sage Tufts Dining has announced that the university is getting rid of not just all gluten-free dining options, but all gluten-free students entirely.
Patti Klos, director of Tufts Dining, spoke on the recent decision.
“We see this policy as a great way to get rid of some of the university’s largest annoyances: Facebook moms, and poor dining hall rankings, and accessibility,” she wrote.
Klos later requested that “accessibility” be removed from the record, because you “can’t say the quiet part out loud,” but our editors were too busy eating Dave’s Fresh Pasta™ Sandwiches (with gluten).
(Rotten) at Carmichael Dining Center has proven to be a controversial subject for students and parents.
“I should’ve just gone to UMass, bro,” cried one unnamed first-year student.
“Isn’t their shit, like, supposed
to be the best?”
Some students and their Facebook moms counter that many students have a gluten intolerance, and as the rest of the student body can dine at Carm or elsewhere, it is important to have that space.
“I’ve just heard a RUMOR (from a VERY reliable source) that the university is considering DESTROYING the gluten-free dining hall. My beautiful daughter Brynkynnleigh was diagnosed with celiac disease, and while I know many of you may not understand the SEVERITY of this, let me assure you: it’s DEADLY. Brynkynnleigh cannot even THINK ABOUT a bagel without her throat closing up, and the university seems totally oblivious to this life-threatening condition!!! ��,”readsone Facebook post from some poor girl’s mom.
In response, Klos was again contacted by the Daiky.
“I mean, can you believe that shit?” Klos responded.
“We had our summer interns trolling the groups forty hours a week and we still can’t keep up. Might as well just end this little dining hall experiment.”
The university also views the gluten-free students themselves as central to the problem - As long as they are on campus, moms will always have something to say. To identify gluten-free students, the university is tapping into mandatory student survey records.
“Do you remember when you matriculated and had to tell us how much money you spent on weed in high school? We also asked you if you spent any money on gluten. And, by the way, some of you guys don’t even be chiefing that shit fr L,” Klos said.
To remove gluten-free students, Tufts Dining is making a joint effort with Residential Life and Learning and the Tufts University Police Department.
“Gluten-free students
have 48 hours to evacuate campus, effective immediately,” Residential Life and Learning Director Christina Alch wrote in an announcement to the Computer Science sophomores email list. “Anyone remaining after that point will be executed on sight.”
The famous Supreme Court case New Jersey v. TLO held that the standard to search students on a school campus is lower than the standard required to be able to search a citizen in public.
A more recent case, Texas v. Bander County School District took the premise that students give up certain rights on campus much furthertheir right to life.
“It’s been such a tiring week of doing absolutely nothing, so it sucks to have this work added on to my usual to-do list,” an RA (Rat Advisor), who preferred to remain anonymous, stated. “I think we should ask for a few
grand extra from the school in the next bargaining agreement.”
If students do not move out and subsequently transfer or unenroll, they will be removed by force. We got that one hot TUPD officer (you know who) to comment on the situation.
RFK JR. then tried his best to recount the rest of the night’s events.
“i doused the elephant and one of my buddies lit a match. then we ran back to old john harvard and never looked back. thank god they thought it was an electrical fire…i know they recently put some elephant sculpture up in harvard square, so in a way we got our elephant.” after RFK JR. finished his story, he hung around the daily office recounting some stories too bizarre for publication. then he left, never contacting the daily again. it was a halloween miracle!
after mr. kennedy’s departure, the daily reached out to minnesota governor tim walz for comment.
“what robert did was just awful…just weird. iwas actually there that night, at barnum hall, when the fire started. i was taking my students on an educational trip to medford,” walz said. since these comments, gov. walz has been under criticism for claiming he took his students to china during the 1989 tiananmen square protests, when he in fact only witnessed the aftermath.
ful about these threats.
“I bet you they’re not pulling this bullshit at Harvard. How am I supposed to get back to Westchester/the Bay Area/New Jersey on such short notice?” one gluten-free student asked.
Just for fun, we reached out to Klos again.
“Well, there’s good and bad. The good part is that it breaks up the monotony of answering alcohol poisoning calls in Tilton and dealing with both TEMS and paid, professional EMTs for some reason.
The bad part is that people know where our money is going and what we do, which is something we try to avoid,” the officer said.
Already, students are fear-
“What are you emailing me for? It’s 3 in the morning. I swear, every year Tufts Dining changes something, and you guys don’t like it and then I have to give quotes to some fuckass student ‘journalists’ who were still in their dads’ balls when I started working here. We just solved like 3 huge problems. Aren’t you ever satisfied?” Klos wrote in a statement to the Daiky.
STINKY FEET
Jack-o-Lanterns on campus accused of yelling expletives at students
The common and well-loved fall tradition of carving pump- kins has turned sour at Tufts this October, as numerous reports have come in alleg- ing that the jack-0- lanterns scattered around campus have been yelling expletives at passersby.
One student, who has chosen to remain anonymous for their safety, stated, “I was moseying down Prez last night on my way back from pilates when I heard someone yell, “Nice ass SKANK!”"
“I didn’t know who it was, so I just kept walking. But then I heard someone else yell, “DAMN girl you shit with that ass?!”" it continued. “I turned around and I realized it was the jack-0-lanterns who had been shouting
at me. It was heartbreaking.”
Other students have made similar allegations against theElenijack-0-lanterns. Kauffman, a sophomore at Tufts, was walking on the Academic Quad when they heard one of the lanterns yell towards them, “Smelly“Ibitch!” wasn’t going to stand for this, so I clapped back,” Kauffman said. “So I said, “You’re the one just sitting there rotting and growing mold.”"
“It got real quiet after that,” Kauffman continued.
Students and faculty alike have called on TUPD and Tufts Security to find the pumpkins responsi- ble, however without video evidence, no action could be taken. In the meantime, the TUPD therapy dog, Pepper, is available for any affected individuals who may need support.
“It really is disheartening, hear-
It’s tuft out here for
ing that this has been happening to mem- bers of the Tufts community,” one officer said. “We’d like to get to the bottom of this soon, once we get some solid evidence.”
Some students have taken matters into their own hands.
Gretta Goorno, another sophomore at Tufts, and alleged opinion editor was also a victim of these insults.
“I
action,” Goorno continued. “I picked up the pumpkin and rolled it straight down the memorial steps, where it kept rolling onto oncom- ing traffic. It may just be one pumpkin, but it is a step towards peace.”
Numerous student organizations have tried intervening through an edu- cational approach, placing signs around campus outlining respectful speech, as well as how to respond in these types of situations. However, the attacks have only worsened in the past few days, becoming more fre- quent and more per- sonal.
had heard about the pumpkin attacks but I didn’t think it would affect me very much. But when I was walking to class last week, one of them said to me, “I smelled you coming before I saw you, dirty whore,”" Goorno said.
“I couldn’t be another victim, so I decided to take
us straights
I’ll say it. Tufts is accepting too many gay people. As the 1 straight man at Tufts, I feel out of place. When I try to pick up a 10 at the club frisbee party, I feel mistreated (she told me she was a lesbian). When I see a cool 6 ‘1 guy with a handlebar mustache and I ask him to watch football, but I see he has one earring, I feel misled. I have seen too many eyebrow slits, too many Charli XCX and Troye Sivan Halloween costumes, and too many floppy wrists. I have seen too many carabiners and too many dyed mullets. What do we look like?? Smith??
I propose a solution …..Sunil needs to grow mutton chops. Yes, Tufts is a great school. Yet, we appear a little fruity, a wee bit soft. If our President, Mr. Sunil Kumar, rocks the masculine mutton chops of our brave forefathers, we will no longer be a stupid little gay school. We will be a packing, strong, institution. We will become a “light” on “that bleak hill” that Charles Tufts once dreamt of.
Mutton chops are a look to the past. A look to a time before the they/thems populated our campus. Before Sara and Laura made out in the hallways. We shall go back. We need to be loud and proud. This is us dawning our straight pride flags. Let’s ride.
What is meant to be a fun and innocent tradition for Halloween has turned into a harassmentfar-reaching scandal this fall, with countless students being affected.
“I can only hope further action will be taken,” Goorno said. “The Tufts community deserves better.” For now, it’s in the students’ hands to take control of the bullying. If you see pumpkin guts any- where at Tufts, you can rest assured knowing someone stood up against these attacks.jack-o-lantern
“Somehow, one of the lanterns knew about when I pooped my pants in eighth grade,” said one anonymous stu- dent. “I have no idea how they found out about that. But now everytime I pass the pumpkins, they say “Hey PoopLoop!”. I don’t even know what that means.”
Closing: Drinks too good , WorkerstooHot
The Sink Has Announced Their Imminent Closure Because The Workers Are Too Cool And The Drinks They Make Are Too Fire. The Long Lines Caused By These Two Graveyard Offenses In Congruence With The Strict Sink Policy Of Making One Drink Every 30 Minutes Has Led To Their Impending Closure. To Commemorate The Closing I Decided To Get A Vaccine – Barista’s Choice – And I Asked Them To Make It Extra Freaky. The Baristas I Had Are At The Top Of The List For The Two Aforementioned Offenses. Ife, Alice, And Spencer – When Asked To Make Me An Odd Concoction – Made Me The Best Fucking Drink I’ve Ever Tried. They Are Literally Incapable Of Making A Bad Drink, Even When Explicitly Asked To Do So. I Get Why They Have To Close. I Decided To Put My Whole 4 Weeks Of Reviewing Experience To The Test By Having Them Not Tell Me What’s In The Drink And Then Stand There And Stare At Me While I Try To Guess. Big Mistake, Huge. I Felt Like I Was A Size Two Walking Down The Runway In America’s Next Top Model – Extremely Judged. I Started Off Strong, Knowing The Taste Of Chocolate Well From Far Too Many Stress-Baked Chocolate Chip Cookies, And My Stomach Can Detect The Instant A Whole Milk–Sabrina Carpenter Combo Hits It, So I Got That One Right Too. Then, Like My Junior Fall Gpa, Things Started To Fall Off. I Knew There Was A Hint Of A Chappell Roan Or Troye Sivan But I Couldn’t Quite Put My Finger On It. At First, I Thought It Was Raspberry (Did You Get The Fruity Joke) But Then With Immense Help From The Baristas, I Got The Correct Answer Of Strawberry. The Final Flavor Stumped Me, I Got Flashbacks To The Pieces Of Candy In The Bottom Of My Halloween Pumpkin That I Had To Force Myself To Eat, But That Still Didn’t Help Me. They Had To Give Me The Answer Of Banana Syrup And I’ve Been Thinking About Those Bright Yellow Laffy Taffy Ever Since. Subtlety Shmutlety This Drink Was Powerful And Sweet And I Loved It; Who Cares About A Hint Of This Or A Note Of That When You Can Have All The Flavors Slapping You In The Face. If The Sink Weren’t Closing I’d Say They Should Add This To The Menu. Womp Womp. Ife Said She’d Call It The “Banana Split,” Fitting Because I Felt Like Doing The First Split Of My Life After Trying This. When Asked About Their Plans Post Sink Closure, Spencer Said “I’d Get Deported Back To England.” Alice Is Gonna Become A Baggy Jeans Model. And Ife Is Going To Sell-Out And Start Naming Drinks For Dunkin’. I’d Say Stay Tuned For Next Week, But There Won’t Be A Next Week. Look Out For My New Column On The Best Places To Cry On Campus, First Up – Cum Center Lactation Room. I Like My Daily Drippy Bruh, Big D
Our guide to the best halloweekend parties
1. Twilight Gender Nootch Tischoween
Pumpkins on the corner table, piss on the floor but packed to the brim with freshmen galore.
Squatty potty at the ready for those who need to poop, make sure to bring fake blood and glittery green goop.
Bring your own wipes because in there
all you will find is paper thin as hair!
For a good time, we are so serious
when these nootches align, you might feel delirious
So pull up, pull up in your best attire
And this tisch party will fulfill your desire
2. Jumbo Jack o’lanterns @ the JCC
This party is on the 6th floor, overlooking the field.
The theme is murder mystery - so don’t make a scene.
Wear your finest cloak, see if you can dazzle. When the mysteries is solved, the losing side
Will end up outside, maybe even liquified
Bring your best, you will want to win
Everything is on the line, so put away that grin.
3. Dancing in the Dumpsters
The dumpsters behind Carm
Somebody pound the alarm
Abound with old carm-cakes and split pea soup
The perfect place to don your halloween suit
After a hearty meal, you cannot tire
4. Getting Dowwwwn in Da Dowling Elevator
The party of the century is about to go down
Get freaky and cheeky and put on that gown
Some prospective students may be in the corner
But fear not for in these parts
You are free to growl and bark
Let’s try to curb that over enrollment
And press all the buttons for your own enjoyment
Oh look! You turned on the monster mash!
5. Breaking hearts in Braker basement
It’s hot. It’s stuffy. Chairs creak. Minds are blank.
But picture this people tumbling down that slanted floor
Costumes melt into each other
Colors bring Braker to life
She’s here! She’s risen!
No need for beer
The dust mites lurk
In corners and in the folds of your shirt
Maybe you miss your ethics class
And you want a party to stir your moral inklings
The little guys in the vents
They’ll join too
After they’ve finished all they must do.
6. Serving Mysteriousness on the Rainbow Steps
Our final location is a pretty special spot
Get excited woop woop
Here we heard there are some ghosts and ghouls
See if you can be quite cool
Don’t act like a tool we might suggest
Being kind is for everyone
Even on this frightful night.
Yes be kind
Kindness is good
Do you not agree?
We implore you to be kind
Why is kindness important, you ask?
Need we answer?
You should know this
:) 7. SeXCY SEC
This party is about sex!
It’s at the dashing SEC
So dress as a skeleton with a boner
You might go home with one too
Or maybe a flapper, or as a sexy squirt, or even your hot bio TA
Kindvelan will be selling their finest pumpkin creations
So go ahead and flirt, don’t look so hurt.
Halloween Costumes According to Sunil Kumar:
APPROVED, DENIED, AND UNDER REVIEW
Halloween Costumes According to Sunil Kumar: Approved, Denied, and Under Review
Sunil “The Creeper” Kumar Message to students form the prez himself:
Dearest gentle students,
Last year, I was hounded with many questions regarding the rules of Halloween costumes. As a newly appointed president, I had no idea why this was such a sought-after answer. However, after handing out candy to all the students last year from the Gifford house, I realized why so many students are so confused about Halloween costumes. Now, as we pre-
pare ourselves for 2 Hallo–Week-Ends (maybe one? I’m confused about this too), I have decided to publish my very own list of approved costumes and disapproved costumes (and those we are still deciding. Some of y’all have some weird ideas). Below is my definitive list, please do not feel free to ask me any questions. If any employee of Tufts University (including student workers) spots a disapproved Halloween costume, they are free to perform an arrest. :) I wish you all the best and please be responsible and safe (we still are in midterm season)!
Mwah!
Sunil Kumar Approved:
Steve Tisch Zombies from season 2 of Walking Dead Berets Jim Halpert if and only if accompanied by Dwight Schrute from “The Office” Tufts Dining Employees Anything from Sidechat Tina Fey Midterms Your marriage pact SIS Error Message Sweaty Tufts kids in Olin
Denied:
David Proctor Frat Boys Zombies from seasons 4, 7, 11 of Walking Dead Any mesh clothing Tufts Athletes/ Parkas Pepper (the dog) Being relaxed and not stressed about school Your campus crush Jake Paul Demons (too scary)
Under Review: Elephants CS Majors
Tufts Troubles: Shady Vance’s Tumultuous Run to Become a TCU Senator
As the 2024 presidential election is fast approaching, one man is noticeably absent from the race. For the past month, Republican vice presidential nominee and Ohio Senator J.D. (Juice Dude) Vance has abandoned his running mate, Donald Trump, to add another title to his obnoxiously inflated resume: TCU Senator.
“I see it as a way of giving back to the Tufts - I mean my - community,” Vance said. “After investing so much time in the rugged heartland of America, I found my true calling: owning the libs.”
The gap between Trump and Democratic presidential nominee Kamala Harris is becoming increasingly slim, but Vance does not appear too phased. At least, by his standards. Reflecting on his glory days of lobbying for Purdue Pharma associates (victims of the opioid epidemic were not available for comment), the Loquacious Vance expounded on a vast array of topics that encompassed Trump, Trump, and how phenomenal Trump continues to be.
“Donald and I have the exact same family values. We cherish our fidelity to our wives, for instance,” Vance said. “I love his tenacity as well. While he weaves about the wetness of water and launching nukes into hurricanes, I know he is creating a gold(en) standard for americans to follow. He is physically at the top of his game, I might add, I
think about his physicality all the time, and that’s why he excels at packing french fries at McDonalds and shooting paper towels like basketballs. There has never been any other American cooler or, as I think the Gen-Z alphas (like me) like to say, ‘brat’ than this luminescent orange man.”
While Vance attempts to consolidate support amongst students by promising to not follow his running mate’s dictates to berate The Taylor Swift, many are apprehensive of his intentions.
“He embodies the cynicism predominant in way too many of our political leaders,” a pitiful Political Science student said. “We’ve never had a major party nominee get famous based on an autobiography where he exaggerated his accomplishments and people believed him. It has simply never happened before.”
“Does he even emote?,” added a Computer Science “student”. Vance sought to reassure voters,
however, that he is more than a few words in a book. He is, in fact, human.
“Coming from my roots, I experienced great hardships,” Vance said. “I navigated through the ups and downs of Middletown, Ohio with a monotone voice and a receding hairline. I then discovered my potential at Yale Law School, where I was finally with my favorite people. You know, the elites I always thought I hated.”
“Becoming one of them has great benefits!,” Vance added.
There appears to be growing consensus among Republicans that Vance is a liability. Not only is Vance’s personality increasingly highlighted by his opponents as “weird,” but his servility to Trump is having a real impact on voters’ trust.
As I wrapped up my conversation with him, I wanted to ask him a question that nagged me for months. After all, this man is a heartbeat away from the presidency.
“Did you call Trump ‘America’s Hitler ’ for real, or were you being sarcastic?” He reacted with his characteristic slight grin, pondered, and responded by employing the same tactic he refined throughout his days in law school, lobbying firms, Washington, D.C, and now, the Tufts Senate. He evaded.
Sunil “The Creeper” Kumar
A Pair of Silly Sheep
GRAPHIC BY EMMENTAL... IYKYK
Childless Cat Man
Meet Satan, the Light Under the Hill
Satan extends a ruddy thigh across the length of the sofa, keeping one cloven hoof on the ground as he does so. Pointed horns twist upward from his temples, & webbed wings arch high above him. “I do what I can to get by,” he says, his septum ring glinting in the lava lamplight.
Satan’s den ; located under Walnut Hill - is a remarkably humble abode. It is a single-bedroom apartment populated by utilitarian furniture, dusty books, and a hodgepodge collection of art. Satan points to a painting hanging on the wall behind him. “Warhol did that one. It’s called ‘Cannibal Soup.’” His yellow eyes flash with reverie.
Satan receives few visitors nowadays, despite being located only a mile below Tufts University’s MedfordSomerville campus. Few members of the current Tufts community are even aware of his existence, much less his monumental contributions to the development of the university. Who do you think gave Charles, or Chucky to his friends, Tufts the idea to put a school on this goddamn hill” “he asks, arms folded across his great hairy chest.” Me, that’s who. It was all me. without Satan’s suggestion to
Chucky tufts, Tufts University would never have been founded in the first place. “My artistic vision for the project was pretty simple: Human suffering,” Satan explains. “Old Charlie thought it was just fabulous, and the rest is history.” He pauses to lick and slurp
his coal-colored lips. “The man’s been burning in hell since 1876.”
There’s a record player on the coffee table, and Satan decides to put some music on. “You like jazz? I love the stuff. Sounds just like pulverizing-slash-boiling a thousand human souls at once. Man, oh, man.” He snaps his fingers, remarkably off-beat. Thanks to Satan, the legacy of Charlie Tufts has grown along with the
university over the past couple of centuries. Meanwhile, the notoriety of Satan continues to steadily decline. “Nobody believes in me anymore,” Satan says as a mournful saxophone bleats in the background. “I used to put the fear of God in people. Well, not God, of course. Screw that bastard, but you know what I mean. I used to make people feel something.”
Satan’s mission today is the same as it has always been: To create a romantic dialogue between the realms of the living and the dead. “I want to force the human race to confront the fact that they’re damned. I want them to look in the mirror & see the mark of original sin between their eyes.” He sighs and lets the sultry plink of jazz piano fill the air. “Never let people forget that an eternity of suffering awaits them.”
Given how Satan now splits most of his time between slam poetry open mics and a subterranean apartment, it appears he has, in some ways, fallen from grace. Nevertheless, the original muse of Tufts University quietly endures in the collective campus psyche.
Satan smiles. He strokes his goatee. “I’m with you on those Memorial Steps. Every step of the way.”
2024 Marriage Pact participants find themselves all matched to same Tufts CS student,
Campus has been teeming with anticipation of this year“s Marriage Pact results. The project claims to match college participants with their “perfect future spouse.” But it appears that this time, all of cupid’s arrows are pointing to the same man. This year’s participants found themselves wildly confused when it was revealed that they would all be saying “I do” to CS major and Tufts sophomore, Ethan.
“I guess I’m a bit of a hawt commodity around here!” Ethan said in an interview with the Daiky. The C.S. major says he has “no idea” how this happened and is “so excited to meet all of the completely accurate, 100% algorithmically compatible matches.”
Unfortunately, other participants in the Marriage Pact have
Ethan
not been quite so pleased with their match. “Dude, this thing was supposed to match me with the hottest chick on the hill. Who the hell is this Ethan kid?” said Tanner, average member of Delta Tau Delta.
Prior to matches being released, the creators of the marriage pact made note of a severe imbalance in the form responses, which revealed a deficit of two hundred and thirty-six straight men. They have since spoken about the Ethan incident, saying, “I mean … I guess this Ethan kid solves that problem?” But they also claim the only possible explanation is an interference with their supposedly airtight program.
“What? An interference? Like … hacking into the system? How would someone even do that? Who the hell is Halligan?” said Ethan
laughing nervously, shoving papers that appeared to be his CS40 notes into his messenger bag.
Many Tufts students have taken to Sidechat to share their frustration towards Ethan, but the sophomore maintains that “maybe [he is] just the perfect guy” and he is glad that “everyone finally has to give [him] a chance because clearly that’s what the algorithm wants.”
In order to “handle the overwhelming number of date requests” he is expecting, Ethan insisted that the Daiky publish an announcement informing the student body that he will be holding “office hours” for anyone looking to meet their perfect match in person.
This is the vibe I pictured for the image but do whatever lol
Beware the trunked spirit
Obsessed w/gainz
Most Tuft students enter this campus not knowing what to expect, unaware of the spirits thatsurround us Despite the HOURS they may spend walking around before graduation, almost no one takes notice of the fourlegged mascot, Jumbo, and his spirit that p e n e t r a t e s our campus.
Maybe you’ve taken a photo with our renowned mascot or heard the tales of PT Barnum, of Greatest Showman fame, but do you know the true story of Jumbo? The details erased from every college brochure and scrapped from every tour guide’s speech? I assume not.
Jumbo, the beast of Africa, was once the largest animal to ever walk the Earth, including the dinosaurs. After Jumbo’s body whole Jumbussy was gifted to the school by Barnum, there was a desperate need to keep the record and recognition from the world, but the mascot needed something in return.
The board of Tuft knew of only one thing to do - feed the souls of the students to the statue. In order to “stay below the radar,” professors at the university would send their most achieving
student to Barnum Hall’s Lower Level.
Here, the students were quickly shown to the preserved flesh of Jumbo, where their gruesome fate waited. For almost a century students disappeared in the presence of the elephant, until one fateful day in 1975.
On this eve, an unnamed, overachieving student accompanied her incredibly underachieving friend. Jumbo refused the soul of the student, and in anger at the professors’ carelessness in their sacrifices burst into flames, engulfing the entire building in its rage. With the body of Jumbo and soul of the unnamed student, Barnum Hall burned down.
Since then, a new statue was made in memory of Jumbo, a reminder of what can happen when we become careless. And to this day, Jumbo stands tall against the background of PT Barnum’s legacy, waiting to consume
A Court of Torns and Roses? More like a Court of Porns and Bonin’
MEWI JOW
I assume everyone who is reading this has some sort of bat-boy fetish or is constantly fantasizing about boning in mid-air, so, you freaks, this one’s for you. The ratings are based on level of smut since that’s obviously what we’re all here for.
A Court of Thorns and Roses: 1.5/5
There’s a total of maaaaaybe 2 sex scenes in this book. This entire effing book was about a dumb-ass female lead who MAKES THE DUMBEST CHOICES BUT BECAUSE OF THE MAGIC OF PROTAGONISTS GETS SHOWERED WITH LOVE AND EVENTUALLY DICK. And can we talk about the stupid Under the Mountain bullshit? Oooo she’s there because she loves him, but noooooo I love her too so in order to protect her I’M GOING TO FORCE HER TO GIVE ME LAP DANCES EVERY NIGHT IN FRONT OF THE ENTIRE PARTY, BUT I DRUGGED HER SO SHEWON’T REMEMBER ANY OF IT CUZ THAT OBVIOUSLY MAKES IT WAY BETTER!! SORRY, WHAT???? But guysss, you don’t understandddddd, it’s because he wanted to protect her~~~~
*insert gagging noises*
Don’t even get me started on that stupid riddle.
Oh this is also where I started hating Mr. Tampon. Cuz yeah, the one opportunity he gets to sneak a one-on-one with her, instead of being strategic and maybe trying to escape together, he tries to get a boning session in. Aaaaaand, then they basically get caught mid-bone by the entire party. Yep.
A Court of Mist and Fury: 3.5/5
This one was cute!!!!!!! Okay fine, yes, there was a lot of emotional manipulation and controlling RED FLAG BEHAVIOR by Mr. Tampax, but it just made you love bat-boy more! ANyways,
you actually got to connect with Rhys and Feyre as individuals, understand their trauma, and see their character growth *this is key* BEFORE the cum sessions started. SJM saved it for the end of the book, and it was much appreciated. The climax of the story for me! Obviously no pun intended. Oh, and if anyone was curious, this book is the only one worth reading in the series. It was also the book that ruined the word ‘mate’ for me.
A Court of Wings and Ruin: 2.5/5 Basically, everyone in Prythian needs therapy. DESPERATELY. Oh, and there was a lot of fighting and death and blood and stuff like that. Cue the Zootopia quote: “Blood, blood, blood! ….Aaaand death.” Did I mention trauma? But who cares about addressing trauma when there are more wars to be fought (and sex to be had)!
A Court of Frost and Starlight: 1/5 Um….mid-flight fornication wasn’t as sexy as she thought it would be? That’s basically the only thing I remember from this book.
A Court of Silver Flames: 5/5 (regretfully)
This book made me physically want to vomit. Cassian is basically so horny and sexually deprived that he gives a milk machine a run for its money. Nesta is….depressed? But also uh….always turned on? No idea what the dynamic was supposed to be here, but it was diSTURBING.
Conclusion? Please don’t read these books guys, unLESS you want your bowels turned watery.
WINTER LAFALL
Dr. Jackson Jill Biden
Ghoulish and gidDy youngsters
for stealing a perfectly viable match from a poor straight woman) make cryptic Sidechat posts about
them. be specific enough that the details could apply to a dozen or so students. wreak havoc upon their psyche ask if their roommate is cute. try getting their number instead set up a yap session at Dewick with that one friend who’s still standing from your orientation group. complain about your compatibility using your match’s full legal
name. don’t bother with the Liberal Arts 360. set up accounts on the Big 3 Dating Sites. swipe until you find your match. give up. obsess over that one person from your lecture who doesn’t gaf about you. tell me about your woes for next week’s edition. keep your eyes peeled for posters
by Liam Chalfonte
THINK UR PATRON SAINT IS COOLER THAN OURS? HIT US UP AT THE PHONE NUMBER IN F&G.
metcalf should lowkey be demolished with everyone inside of it (with an a.s.s. blast) by: rory … again
everyone at tufts knows that metcalf hall is the worst place on campus. from the rats in the basement to the stupid dumb losers who live there, it’s quite literally hell on earth. when someone says they live in metcalf, they’re essentially saying that they’re homeless. one time, when i was walking by metcalf i noticed one of the residents staring at me. it was some hanibal lecter in silence of lambs type shit. terrifying stuff. so, what should be done about this “establishment?” controlled burn? wrecking ball? drone strike? my personal opinion is that we should probably enlist the clinton foundation for help. reptile skinwalker overlords have secretly run the world since the dawn of humanity. everyone knows this. they drink adrenochrome from the blood of children in their secret lairs conveniently placed under every pizza parlor in washington dc. hillary clinton and her partner-in-crime bill clinton are the newest addition to the reptile-overlord community. they were inducted into the organization in a secret ritual, in which the pair was baptized in the blood of thirty-three komodo-dragons. afterwards, they drank a special potion which turned them into satanic-lizard-vampire-people. ever since then, hillary and bill clinton have had full control over the un’s arsenal of ballistic precision missiles, which are stored in every satellite orbiting the flat earth (except of course the skylink satellites owned by the hero of the free world, elon musk). their satellites also double as weather-controlling devil machines, which douse innocent christian boys with homosexuality-inducing chemicals every time it rains, but that’s slightly off-topic. perhaps the clinton foundation’s most effective asset would be their massive planet vaporizing laser, which many people mistake for the “moon.” an important side note: do not compare the planet vaporizing laser to the death star from star wars. i accidentally made that comparison in front of my family and they started laughing at me; may the force be with me. i refer to the machine as the aviating striker system, which is an appropriately serious name.
the a.s.s. is usually used to destroy planets on the outer rim of our galaxy, presumably to kill off other intelligent species before good christians like myself can spread the word of god to them. while this is a problem in the long run, we can use it to our advantage here. the residents of metcalf are pretty much aliens. if the clinton foundation knew about them, they wouldn’t hesitate to use a small-scale blast from the a.s.s. to vaporize metcalf and everyone inside of it.
so, this is a call to action. knock on doors. call your local representative. we must reach the clinton foundation and recruit the lizards to obliterate metcalf at any cost.
How the Daiky Will (Probably) Spend Their Halloween: MBTI Edition
Written By: Saoirse Ronan
Halloween season has arrived, and the Daiky is as busy as ever. But as Halloween approaches, some of us are scrambling for costumes, having stress breakdowns,, or desperately needing sleep. Now, according to the MBTI, I will tell you
The reason animals at Tufts are so messed up
By:MonicaLewinsky
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether or not they could, that they didn’t stop to think if they should.” - Dr. Ian Malcom, Jurassic Park Science has gone too far. Specifically, the science department at Tufts. So many professors are experimenting on animals that our campus has become infested
BOO!PINION
Class Registration: Seven Seconds in Heaven
By: Max Lerner
It is no secret that the existing ~classregistration system~ at Tufts is absolutely riddled with faults, and with the recent alterations made 2the School of Witches’registration practices, it is clear that Tufts is vying 2make a change. Thus, I propose a new approach 2the registration problem: The Comprehensive Registration Allocation Procedure, or CRAP.
The system is simple: each of the ~1800 students per year from all 4 years will receive a ranodmly-assigned seven-second interval during which they will be able 2enroll in the classes squatting in their enrollment cart, with slots falling in a fifteen-hour time period from sevenam to10pm.
“Sir Max,” Umay be asking your-
Title: Tufts:
self, “did Uhit your head or something? Why is this any better than the dumpsterfire we currently have?”
To you, naysaying hater, I have the following 2say: firstly, my history of cranial injuries are private. Secondly, the logic is simple: before CRAP, your ability 2enroll in the classes of your dreams -- Math of Social Choice, if you’re anything like me -- boiled down 2how fast your archaic computer was that day, how quickly Ucould click, and whether or not the Tufts Secure Gods decided 2bless you.
Once CRAP has been implement-
Please don’t turn
the Daiky office
ed, these days will be over. Not only will Tufts students be forever jolly during registration, but we can also assume that the weight of the world taken off the shoulders of students will result in overall better mental health!
Gone are the days of stressing for hours on end about registration, all thanks 2CRAP. With the time saved, Tufts students will have more time 2do all of their favorite activities, like riding broomsticks to Barnum. It is my goal 2better student life at Tufts, and make every day a CRAPpy one.
into freshman housing :( DEK: Tufts University wants to evict the Daiky and turn our office into dorms. We have some better suggestions.
Dismayed. Distraught. Downright disillusioned. These were the reactions of the members of the Editorial Board when Tufts University announced their plan to turn the Tufts Daiky office into new freshman housing. Look, Tufts. We get it. Many universities are struggling to find space for new student housing, and we understand that Tufts is no exception. But there are other places to look for housing before turning to the Daiky Office. Gifford House, on Packard Avenue, is a fully-decked out lair just for Sunil Kumar. He literally doesn’t even live there. Why not turn that into housing first?
The Daiky Office does have personality, we’ll give you that. The water stains on the ceiling add a chic post-Soviet vibe to the space, and the rats ensure no student truly ever has a single. And situated as far as humanly possible from either dining hall, the dormitory’s location will ensure students get excellent quad (and calf!) workouts walking to their next meals. But the Daiky office is more than a dubiously hygienic basement — for several journalists who take themselves too seriously, it is already home.
Forcing the Tufts Daiky to relocate to the middle of the Cumtersection – currently the only other location able to host the Daiky on campus – is unsafe and would cause serious traffic delays. Instead, there are several other locations Tufts could use for new freshmen housing. We recommend using the Magazine Office, the DTD house, and potentially hollowing out the hill as space for freshman housing.
There are many other buildings Tufts can use instead of the Tufts Daiky office. Many of these buildings are either more centrally located than the Daiky Office (Sunil’s Lair) or cleaner (DTD) (seriously, there’s a dookie in our ceiling). Our journalists work hard to publish hard-hitting articles on a daiky basis. Tufts, don’t take away our ability to do so.
what your Halloween has in store (or what I hope for you).
Photo-INFJ: I look forward to seeing the digitals you take for your friend group!
Newsletter-INFP: You’re going to be the person in that group costume.
Audio-ENFJ :Everyone has such main character energy here, so I look forward to your Chappell/ Sabrina costumes.
Sports-ENFP: Pleeeeeeeaaaaase try wearing anything other than a
with mutant species, terrorizing the student population.
One hotspot for the escaped animals is Carmichael. “The hot pink cockroaches totally kill the vibe,” said Olivia Wang, Carmichael resident and president of the Professor Experiment Ender (PEE). Her stance has been echoed by many others.
“It’s unacceptable that we as a student population have to deal with the fallout of professors’ experiments.” stated Jose Llanito, another Carmichael resident, “I demand that my dorm be a hot-pink-
jersey this Halloween. Spice it up! Live life!
Copy-INTJ: Copy is an enigma to me. I have no idea how your Halloween will go.
Science-INTP: I look forward to your last minute mad scientist costumes made from a stained lab coat crumpled in your closet.
Investigative-ENTJ: You’ll probably spend your Halloween on a stakeout or something.
Opinion-ENTP: You have either had your costume for months or will
cockroach-free zone.”
We don’t just have to deal with those slimy monsters either. Many have raised concerns about the bunnies on campus. “Like, they’re too friendly,” said Dallin Ung. “Bunnies aren’t supposed to be that friendly. Something’s wrong.”
The most noticeable escapee thus far was the owl that flew into the Houston windows. Tufts University tried to paint this incident as some fluke, but they are covering the truth!!! A biology professor was trying to see if it would be possible
throw 1 together the night before.
Business-ISTJ: You will probably be doing homework this Halloween. Sorry about that.
Features-ISFJ: Get a therapist. Yes, I said it.
News-ESTJ: Take care of yourself this Halloween. Take a nap. Watch a movie. Miss a deadline.
Social Media-ESFJ: All you need this Halloween season is a canva account and a dream.
Graphics-ISTP: Try and wear a costume that sucks so the rest of
to train the owl to see glass, when, in a heroic feat, the owl flew out of the lab.
Granted, if he had stayed a bit longer, he may have been able to see the glass window and not fly into it, but it is the principle of the matter that is truly important. Who are we to alter the natural world? We’ve come so far ; there’s no reason to start doing so now. These constant experiments are a crime against nature. They allow humans to have far too much power over the natural world, they can cause potential injury or even death to
us can feel better about our lack of artistic talent.
Arts-ISFP: I just know you will all be at the Rocky Horror Picture Show at the Somerville Theatre.
Layout-ESTP: You live on the edge of collapsing from lack of sleep every day. It’s ok to skip Halloween parties! Get ten hrs for once.
Video-ESFP: This Halloween, your challenge is not going as Greta Gerwig directing that garden scene from Lady Bird. You’ve got this!
the animals, and most importantly, they can be gross to look at. It is time we stop sitting back and start taking action. We must end animal experimentation on campus.
THE MYSTERY OF FAITH.....
The Billy Goat and the Babe
Harold and Samuel the only people who like sports
Gather ‘round the campfire, guys. Sh sh… closer. Since it’s Halloween, we thought we’d tell you, not one but TWO sports-themed ghost stories.
Few sports curses are more infamous than those that afflicted the Boston Red Sox and Chicago Cubs. And, conveniently, the two of us happen to be fans of those accursed teams.
Curse of the Bambino
I remember when I first heard of The Curse of the Bambino. We begin in early 20th century Boston, with Harry Frazee, a New Yorker theatrical producer and director, who purchased the Red Sox in one thousand and sixteen. Frazee’s purchase coincided with a Red Sox dynasty led by young phenom Babe Ruth.
Following the 1919 season, Frazee found himself in serious debt. To compensate for his losses, he sold Ruth to the then largely unsuccessful New York Yankees for $100,000 and a $300,000 loan to pay for his new musical No, No, Nanette.
Ruth spent the next 15 seasons of his legendary career with the Yankees, and the franchise won 26 titles in the next 86 years. The Red Sox, on the other hand, saw their fortune suddenly take a turn for the worse.
Boston would not win a single World Series in the next 86 years. They made it to the World Series four times, but lost every single one in seven games. The most notable loss was their 1986 appearance, when first baseman Bill Buckner allowed the ground ball to go through his legs, capping off a Mets 10th-inning comeback that forced a game seven, which New York also won. Notable Boston sports commentators, such as sports writer Dan Shaughnessy, began to call the drought “The Curse of the Bambino.”
As the drought persisted, a desperate Red Sox fandom turned to unconventional methods to break it. Some attempted to dig up an old piano Ruth allegedly threw into a pond near his “HomePlate Farm” property in Sudbury, Massachusetts. Others spray-painted a sign that once said “Reverse Curve” on a bridge downtown to say “Reverse the Curse.” One group even staged a literal exorcism outside of Fenway Park.
When all hope seemed lost, one strange occurrence in 2004 signaled a potential rift in the curse. In August 2004, 16-year old Lee Gavin, then a resident of Ruth’s aforementioned “Home-Plate Farm”, attended a Red Sox game. In the bottom of the 4th inning, Gavin was hit squarely in the face by a foul ball, losing his two front teeth. What occurred later that night would be even stranger - the Yankees suffered their largest loss in franchise history, 22-0 to the Cleveland Indians.
Superstitions swirled and people wondered…was this a sign from beyond that the curse had been lifted? The Red Sox entered the ‘04 postseason determined to win, only to find themselves down three games to none in the American League Championship Series to a familiar foe: those same Yankees. What happened next was historic. The team would mount the first and only 0-3 comeback in Major League Baseball history against the foes that had dominated them ever since the Bambino
left in 1919.
This time in the World Series, the Red Sox would finally break the curse, sweeping the St. Louis Cardinals and capturing their first World Championship in 86 years. Lee Gavin, watching on with two new front teeth in the home of the Babe himself, celebrated as the Red Sox secured the final out: the curse was lifted.
Curse of the Billy Goat
Now we teleport to Chicago. In game four of the one thousand nine hundred and forty-five World Series between the Chicago Cubs and Detroit Tigers, local tavern owner William Sianis bought two tickets: one for himself and the other for his pet goat Murphy. Remember the name Murphy. Ushers refused to let the goat into Wrigley Field. Outraged, Sianis proclaimed that the Cubs wouldn’t win a World Series until the goat was allowed in.
Since that game, Murphy has bitten the Cubs on several notable occasions. One was in 1969, when the Cubs’ division lead, once as large as nine, was slipping away. In a crucial September 9 matchup with the New York Mets, a black cat appeared next to the Cub dugout. The photo of Cub third baseman Ron Santo looking over his shoulder at the cat became a symbol of the team’s misfortune.
The Mets won the game and ended up winning the NL East by eight games. Their general manager that year? Johnny Murphy.
In 1984, the Cubs made the playoffs for the first time since 1945, but they blew a 2-0 series lead in the best-of-5 NLCS against the San Diego Padres. The venue for those last three games? Jack Murphy Stadium.
19 years later, the Cubs were once again one win away from a pennant. Leading the Florida Marlins three games to two, they took a 3-0 lead in game six to the eighth inning. Then, a fan named Steve Bartman interfered with left fielder Moises Alou’s attempt to catch a foul ball. According to my dad, who was at the game, Alou’s ensuing tantrum caused a Wrigley Field-wide panic. Then the curse struck again. The Marlins scored eight runs in the inning, won the game, and took game seven the following night to win the pennant. Bartman became a scapegoat, for lack of a better term.
The Cubs’ next trip to the NLCS was in 2015, where they took on the Mets again. They had gone a perfect 7-0 against the Mets in the regular season, but New York didn’t care, sweeping the Cubs and winning the pennant. The MVP of that series? Daniel Murphy.
But 2015 would be Murphy’s last hurrah. :( The next year, the Cubs reached the World Series for the first time in 71 years and beat the Cleveland Indians four games to three, breaking a 108-year World Series drought.
University announces plans for new squash-themed housing, dining hall for athletes MY UPSTAIRS NEIGHBOR
In a bold move to build more on—campus housing for upperclassmen, university officials announced plans on Thursday to convert the remaining unused squash courts on the upper level of the Cousens Gymnasium into residential units for varsity athletes.
Dubbed “The Squash Courts,” this new housing option promises to become the most coveted on—campus accommodations for upperclassmen student-athletes.
The project comes on the heels of the former tennis courts’ conversion into “the Courts” for freshmen and is expected to add ninety beds to Tufts. The rooms will be apartment style, with a small kitchenette and 8 sets of bunk beds per unit.
“We started looking around and thinking, ‘What other courts at Tufts would be good candidates for conversion?’” Executive Vice President Michael Howard said. “We saw the squash courts, and
if you really stop to look at them, they are already built to be apartments. All we needed to add were a few bunk beds.”
The project has garnered an enthusiastic reaction from student athletes at Tufts.
“I was planning to illegally sublet a three-season porch on College Ave after I study abroad, but I’m excited that I could instead live in a windowless cell up six flights of stairs in the gym,” Tufts athlete Latin Way said. “I love the idea that I could finish my lift with my teammates and then just walk up the stairs to my room and spend twelve more hours with every last one of them.”
The squash courts currently serve as training centers for the Tufts varsity hockey, diving, and golf teams. Although some have expressed concern over the lack of windows in the former squash courts, the project is still expected to go ahead as originally planned.
“The fact there are no windows doesn’t bother me,” athlete Miller Houston said. “There are already no windows in the varsity gym. I actually prefer to feel like I’m in a cave while I work out–I feel connected to my evolutionary past.”
The new on—campus housing option will also include a new vegetarian-only dining hall that
will feature a rotating menu of squash-inspired dishes.
“We’ve got squash soup, squash pasta, and we’ll even have a soft serve machine that serves squash ice cream mmmm yummy,” Patti Klos, director of Tufts Dining, said.
“It’s very important to Tufts Dining to cater to special diets, so I’m very happy we’ll soon
be able to offer a squash-only option especially for our upperclassmen athletes, mmmm yummy times two.”
The new housing wil help athletes currently at Tufts, as well as future generations of Tufts athletes.
“This is definitely going to help attract recruits to my program.” Tufts’ football head coach Jay Civetti wrote in an email to the Daily. “With this conversion, Tufts steps into the ranks of other schools like LSU and Alabama in offering athlete-only housing and dining options.”
Renovation of the squash courts into the “Squashed Courts” is set to begin in November and is expected to be completed by 2025.