You

It’s been awhile since we last spoke. I never imagined that I’d ever be able to write this. but here I am

there are a million things i’ve wanted to say to you over the years but as you stand here the words feel like i’m gargling peroxide

my mouth is fizzing and it tastes disgusting

so i spit it out

You taught me how to be small. how to be the needle in the hay sack

the back of an earring, the clasp of a necklace

I learned how to make every emotion explode and rupture inside. create tsunamis internally until the water runs cold. flood entire neighborhoods, flip houses upside down, while still maintaining a smile

you called me a million names except my own and before i thought it was sweet

now I realize that my name was something too personalized and individual to me so you had to take that too

held my hand through the fire but got upset that i was burning

i morphed myself a million times to fit into your world but i wasn’t enough

so you tried to morph me. like clay. with your words. your hands.

I will never forget the time you hit me. when you yanked my arm. or pushed me off.

I have tried to put myself into your shoes a million times but they were too small.

because you are a monster.

I have spent the last few years of my life hating myself. Hating my body and my mind.

I called myself stupid after making the smallest mistakes.

You turned everyone you knew against me once you realized that I wasn’t going to give into your abuse

and for years i genuinely thought that you ruined me. that you took every good part of me away and locked in a safe.

but she is still here. I am still here. I am different but I am not broken. you never ruined me. You made me stronger.

Eventually the water stopped. I rebuilt the walls of each house of the town. Flipped the houses back, and used the water to make a beach.

the hot sun hitting my face, glowing.

a bright yellow sundress on my body, my toes in the sand the hot sun hitting the nape of my neck

the best thing that happened right after we broke up was that i cut my hair, you told me that i would look bad with short hair

but i as i sit in the sand i can feel the air on my scalp and i believe that this feeling is what they write songs about in cheesy movies

and as I look over at you. I want you to know that I forgive you.

I forgive you for every bad thing you ever did to me

without you i wouldn’t have been able to make this beach, to make this water

used the same body you called weak to turn this shit around

made beauty out of this pain, turned it into art so another broken girl with a fizzy mouth can come and see what i built

see that it’s possible

that it takes time and effort but it is possible

and I know that eats you up inside. that I’m happy, and making a name for myself.

and once the sun sets at night, just know, that you will be the last thing on my mind