December 8, 2015 by The Ubyssey

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PREDICTING

THE FUTURE EDITION

VOLUME XCVII - ISSUE XIV

ONE CENT

DECEMBER 8, 1950

THE FUTURE C UB OF STUDENTS OF 1950 PREDICT 2015 UBC Goes Nuclear Piperbot orders elimination of the competition Max Justice

Head Bitch in Charge In an effort to establish UBC as a leading intergalactic academic institution, UBC has proposed plans for the complete nuclear annihilation of the competition. This announcement comes after much deliberation of how UBC can justly and effectively advance its worldwide reputation. According to UBC Probot AG-Redinator, nuclear annihilation is the most reasonable way to achieve this “Here at UBC we have a strong grand ambition to become the greatest university in the galaxy,” said UBC Probot A.G. Redinator. “However since we don’t exactly know how to achieve that, we thought it would just be easier to nuke everybody else.” The announcement has come under much criticism from students who feel that the plan is just another example of UBC showing its true colours as a nukehappy university. Nonetheless Redinator stands by her decision, citing nuclear annihilation as the most effective method to gain power. “After McGill and Western were nuked by Switzerland, our intergalactic reputation shot up by a staggering two points. A degree from UBC is becoming a valuable degree to have, and soon it’ll be the only one to have.” Although UBC does not know which universities will be nuked or which universities are ranked higher or lower, presidroid MT-Piperbot insists the university knows what it’s doing. “If you love how efficient we are at creating buildings, you’ll love our skills at destroying them,” she said. The AMS has officially denounced the notion, calling it another example of the Board of Androids malfunctioning. U

Ponderosa teleporter malfunctions for third time this year – students accidentally transported to Belize Matches Maloney Overseer

For the third time this year, the Ponderosa Residence Teleportation device was affected by a significant glitch within its system. As with the previous two incidents, students going to their classes were instead transported to random locations across the world. This time, a handful of engineering students were mistakenly sent to the coastal Central-American state of Belize. This third occurrence was considerably less severe than the previous malfunctions. This past March, a psychology student found themselves teleported to the Soviet capital of Moscow – an accident that sparked a huge international incident. Later in June, an incident happened again when two Kinesiology students found themselves in the University of Victoria rather than their usual lecture hall. The pair was nearly killed after being chased by an angry lynch mob of disgruntled Vikes fans. Despite the magnitude of this recent gaffe, the group has no complaints for their current predicament. Among them is Umataro Tezuka, who claims that the accident was just what they needed. “Just last week we were holed up in the library studying for finals. Now we are here, lying on the beach getting tans and sipping on mimosa,” said Tezuka via video-communicator. “Sure, we still have to work on it eventually but right now we feel like a million bucks.” Professor Caroline Affleck, a physicist in the Faculty of Science, does not share this relief of a more casual consequence. For her, teleportation is never something taken lightly especially in light of the previous glitches. “If we keep neglecting this problem, there’s a good chance that next time, some-

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one is going to end up in their class while their buttocks ends up in Tibet,” Affleck warned. “Even after two decades of using it, teleporting is still a highly volatile technology. I’m absolutely confounded as to why the university administration does not take this more seriously.” Like the previous incidents, both the UBC Board of Governors and Residence Services ensured in a press release that steps will be taken to increase the safety measures with the teleporters. However, both still

declined to comment what upgrades will be implemented, as well as what is causing the malfunctions in the first place. Jacqueline Suresh, one of the engineers transported to Belize, noticed there was something unusual prior to her teleportation. “I started hearing ‘whispers’ at the start of the jump – pretty chilling ones,” Suresh said. “They were coming from nowhere. I thought it was one of the guys, but nobody knew what I was talking about when we got to Belize.” U

Students relieved construction has finally begun Dave The T-Rex Copius Editorex/Doomsayer

After much protest and trekking, students are rejoicing after construction has finally broke ground at UBC. With so much space to develop and so many possibilities, students can only speculate as to what is in store for their campus. “I’m so excited! From just the sight of the yellow fences, I am reminded how lucky we really are,” said Curly Sinclair, third-year

biology student. “The cranes are a nice addition to campus, I wouldn’t mind more of them.” One of the first buildings close to completion is the E.X. Pensive building. Design plans include inflatable infrastructure for earthquake safety and stress relief for students as they bounce around the building. There have been numerous reports of noise disturbing the quiet environment necessary for students to study and succeed, but students have happily adapted by

wearing complementary super sonic ear buds provided by the university. While it is sometimes hard to hear the robot teachers lecturing over the noise, the university administration announced they will be adjusting their volume settings indefinitely until the noise has subsided. No reports as to when they might be. The UBC administration hasn’t disclosed exactly what they are building at this point in time, but the atmosphere around campus

promises that it will be exciting. The engineers are theorizing the possibility of teleportation between classes to save precious seconds of teaching instruction. Rumours of upgrading the C18 and C20 routes to hoverbus technology is also highly anticipated. “It’s just so lovely to walk around the it on my way to classes every morning. We could all use the exercise,” said Sinclair. “In fact, I hope construction never stops!” U

DECEMBER 8, 1950 |NEWS | EDITORS DIRK BENCHPRESS AND QUEEN BEY

UBC Board proposes kidneys as alternative to tuition payment

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Dirk Benchpress News Editor

The UBC board of cyborg governors has just approved a motion to allow international students to donate a kidney in lieu of traditional tuition payments. The motion “will motivate our excellence to be so much more excellent than the excellence we’ve already achieved. How are you? I’m excellent,” said UBC President Arvind Gupta, stirring a large cauldron. The decision did come after a protest against tuition hikes saw one student joking that he would rather donate his kidneys than pay

the increasing student fees. The student was promptly hauled away in a burlap sack by a group of men in black trench coats. According to the provost, the decision was based on comparing tuition payment methods for unrelated and dissimilar institutions, including those in the United States, Europe, Turkey, Chile, this one village in Russia and a small fishing village in Singapore. The consultation process will not look at whether this motion is feasible, but which organs will be selected for donation. “We could be persuaded to accept livers and bone marrow as well,” said Gupta

from behind several stalagmites. “We would make that sacrifice for our students – who are excellent.” The AMS issued a statement today that they oppose the motion and will not rest until at least three cardboard signs are made. “We need a range of perspectives in classrooms, and taking student’s kidneys is not the way to do it,” said AMS President Baron Aailey. According to students, this decision would not be easy to swallow if the kidneys were going to legitimate research purposes. However, they feel that the board’s current plan of feeding the kidneys to snakes is unproductive. U

UBCO turned into Nuclear Wasteland

The Old, Old Student Union Building 6133 University Boulevard Vancouver, BC V6T 1Z1 PHOTO BUS KICKTON/THE UBYSSEY

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Matches Maloney Overseer

As of 4 a.m. yesterday morning, UBC Okanagan was reduced to a nuclear wasteland after an unknown experiment had gone awry within one of its Science buildings. This led to the entire campus being leveled by a 2 kilometer nuclear explosion. Fortunately, due to the collective efforts of staff, the RCMP and a battalion of robot soldiers from

a nearby military base, the entire campus was successfully evacuated 30 minutes prior to the explosion. Authorities remarked that the exuberant amount of on-campus, high-tech radiation alarms and teleportation platforms greatly contributed in saving lives. Despite the magnitude of the incident, a majority of Kelowna residents were largely oblivious to the crisis. This was even more so in terms of UBCO’s overall existence in general.

“I wasn’t even aware it was an actual campus,” said local waitress Evangeline Lily. “I thought the entire place was just nuclear testing site. I assumed the buildings were just there for simulation purposes.” The details behind the experiment and related personnel are currently being withheld by UBC’s Board of Governors. However, rumors are swirling that not even they were aware of the campus’s existence. U

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 8, 1950 | NEWS | 3

Pros and cons of turning your brain into a computer Randy Andy Definitely not a computer

As we continue to witness the upward climb of computers becoming an increasingly ubiquitous staple in our homes, some of us ponder the consequences of allowing this craze to spiral out of control. Some claim that scientific investigations are under way to determine how humans can program their brains to function like modern-day computers, but the vast majority of us remain wary of any form of artificial intelligence - and not without reason. After careful thought, here are some pros and cons of turning your brain into a computer: Pros: •The dulcet tones of the dial-up sound when waking up.

•Time, effort and awkwardness saved recalling acquaintances’ names by searching across your extensive name library. •Friday night’s hazy memories can be optimized with sophisticated image and video editing capabilities. Or wiped clean off your disk drive. •Would give computer science grads the venue they need to earn some cash. •Could provide the opportunity to duplicate a potentially infinite number of mini clones of yourself, which can be deployed to cook, clean and do laundry. •Going to happen at some point anyways, so why resist it? Cons: • Periodic brain maintenance and upgrades costs would likely exceed monthly rent, especially with computer obsolescence rates.

• The sheer weight of your 25-pound head would be enough to keep you from boarding commercial aircraft. • Multi-tasking may lead to cognitive overload, overheating and possible shutdown. • Hundreds of password-locked brain compartments might make simple daily tasks more arduous than they need to be. • Headaches, migraines and hangovers would be experienced either as viruses eating away at your brain or sudden crashes. • Possible realization of Orwellian dystopia, as the government might be able to hack into citizens’ private thoughts. • May impede communication with anyone over the age of 80. • Unfair additional fees to process multiple languages for the multilingual. U

Last gram of marijuana in existence destroyed Frasher Valley Geographical Location

Yesterday UBC was home to possibly one of the most significant achievements of the 21st century: the last gram of marijuana in the world was found and subsequently obliterated. The contraband was found in the pocket of a third year student attending the university. According to sources, the young man walked into a bank inquiring where he could find the nearest ‘McDonalds,’ but the police were called when staff noticed he was “way too calm and happy.” The young man was put to death this morning by way of electric chair. Officer Jenkem, the official responsible for finding the final trace of ‘reefer,’ claimed “I did it for my country, I did it for my city and I did it for the children.” Canadian Prime Minister WLM-KINGBOT banned the existence of the ‘potent and dangerous’ drug cannabis with the passing of the Mary Jane Bill in 1978. The bill was proposed in response to an unsettling lack of violence throughout the country, with public outcry from police officers furious that their job was

becoming unnecessary. Countries all around the world soon followed in Canada’s footsteps until the drug was no more. “It got to a point where the only thing we were arresting people for was marijuana related — it was just ridiculous,” said the chief of the Vancouver Police Department. “Ever since the drug has been banned, we’ve been seeing an increasing amount of shootings and violent crimes, which is just phenomenal.” “I’m just so happy that the devils lettuce has finally been eradicated,” said a relieved mother of three. “I own a gun store and weed was making everybody way too peaceful and killing my sales.” U

Arvind2-D2 escapes with secret plans Dirty Drake Staff Bitch

Former UBC President Arvind2-D2 has escaped from a UBC spaceship with secret university information, sources confirmed. Very little is known about Arvind2’s escape or why he resigned. It is rumoured that he was given secret information regarding UBC construction before evacuating the ship. “It is of upmost priority that we find this droid,” said interim president Darth Piper. “If the UBC Empire is to become the supreme university of the galaxy, we must crush all forces who dare hinder our mission.” Lord Piper subsequently ordered detachments to search the University of Tatooine, a nearby planet with a lot of weird sand people on it. In recent years UBC has been in development of the Death Campus, a new first year residence base which can also function as a superweapon. The highlight of the base is a superlaser designed by the Board of Governors that can destroy planets, the Montreal Carabins, Meek Mill’s career and a student’s financial security with a single shot. The Death Campus is UBC’s latest example of the “campus as a living lab,” where researchers will examine how a first-year university residence can be sustainable while simultaneously functioning as a superweapon when required. Although the project is almost complete, construction is still taking place in a minor trench on the outside of the base due to delays. UBC is also searching for missing droid C3PmontalbanO, who may or may not be travelling with Arvind2. U

Allegations of Communism in Sauder Tank Ontario Contributor

John Robertson and Rodney Smith, two students in the Sauder School of Business, have recently been accused of holding

Communist sympathies. Suspicions against the pair were aroused at a Sauder event last week. The two were discovered in a corner discussing Medicare over coffee, rather than competing in the faculty’s bi-weekly Greco-Roman-style wrestling competition. In a later investigation, it was found that, as children, both Robertson and Smith were pen pals with students in a Stalingrad elementary school. In light of the school’s new “Two Strikes You’re Out” policy, the pair now face expulsion. During a recent press conference, Sauder spokesperson Henry Ford confirmed the allegations and expressed sincere regret at the students’ actions. “These behaviours are unbecoming of our institution, and of capitalism as a whole,” he said. Ford, who was recently appointed Acting Dean after being thawed from his cryogenic chamber at Johns Hopkins University, is taking these allegations very seriously. “This discovery speaks to the importance of ongoing vigilance within the UBC community,” he said. “It’s up to all of us to unite against the spread of Communism at home and abroad.” Prior to these allegations surfacing, both students were known as pillars of the Sauder community. Smith, captain of the rowing team and last year’s Homecoming King, recently proposed to his fiance, Bipsy Corcoran, and was vocal about his plans to purchase a home in the nearby suburbs. Robertson was instrumental in last year’s phone booth stuffing competition against McGill University and was an active member of the UBC Branch of Young Republicans for Cigarettes and Starched Collars. Aside from their extracurricular accomplishments, Robertson and Smith were exemplary students. The two met in a resource and supply management course this past fall, in which both received B pluses. Despite the pair’s wellscrubbed appearance, some classmates have come forward saying that they’d long been suspicious of the two. An anonymous source has stated that Robertson was once observed wearing a red sweater vest to class — red, the colour of Communism. “I should have known he was up to no good,” said Jimmy Johnson, a second-year marketing major and a former classmate of Robertson. In addition to their expulsion from the university, the two may face jail time, as well as blacklisting from professional networks. Although both were slated to work for the JohnsManville Asbestos Co. upon graduation, their offers have now been rescinded. Though harsh, Ford agrees that these sanctions are necessary to set an example for future students. “These experimental hijinx may be acceptable in Forestry or Arts, but are intolerable in our young business leaders,” he said. “It’s incidents like this that make me nervous for the future of the Canadian asbestos industry.” U

DECEMBER 8, 1950 |CULTURE | EDITOR DREW P. BALLS

Review: Citizen Kane 12 Smoke McCloud Staff Writer

Orson Wells is back and bigger than ever in the 11th RKO produced sequel to the 1941 classic film, which triumphantly restores the series to the high standards we’ve come to expect from the director and studio. At the same time, it also adds a few twists to make it perhaps the best movie of the year, or dare I say it, the century. Following in the footsteps of last year’s lukewarm, Citizen Kane 11; The Age of Xanadu (the first film in the series following its merging with the Marvel Cinematic Universe last summer) critics and audience members feared that, should this fail, CK 12 would spell the end of a once lauded franchise. All fears were put to rest when, in the opening scene, Kane, AKA “The Paper Man”, engaged in a white-knuckle fight with Iron Man, destroying most of Kane’s home in the process. Cheers rung out from the audience as Iron Man was hurled through Kane’s bedroom, destroying his prized collection of snow globes in the process. The rivalry between the characters was one of the defining moments of the film, helped in large part by Wells superb acting, which is already generating Oscar buzz. U

Art review: A blank piece of canvas is the greatest postmodern masterpiece of all time Drew P. Balls Culture Editor

The AMS Ed Wood Art Gallery’s newest procurement has been received with much praise from patrons. “The imagery in the extreme whiteness of the canvas is aweinspiring,” said Martin John, a

fourth year art history major who was visiting the gallery. The canvas, a 5x5 inch square is, as viewers are celebrating, a postmodern masterpiece. “Most paintings are full of variety, subtleties and diversity,” John continued. “This has nothing – which gives it so much more meaning.” The dull, white square has provoked debate, controversy and outrage. Art fanatics were lining up outside the gallery for several hours before it opened for the evening reception for the chance to be the first to broadcast their post-viewing analysis of the masterpiece. How can we classify this? Is it modernism, heritage or something even newer? If Modernism no longer fits, for art or society, then why? Does it survive only as “zombie formalism,” with all styles available at once? If it is dead, then who had means, motive, and opportunity? The deed must have taken place during a struggle. And Postmodernism is still struggling over the heritage of Modernism - only the more it struggles, the more it helps keeps Modernism alive. The race is now on for viewers to find the most profound explanation for the work. Perhaps too profound for our current knowledge, this postmodern masterpiece is an institution, a cutting edge, avant-garde promise of a remade society, a credit to the creative individual. It is an ironic self-reflection, calling to mind struggling masses and urban streets. It is an explosion onto the Canadian scene of power and creativity. The anonymity of painter, audience and painting make this work the most important postmodern masterpiece since Jackson Pollock crossdressing as The Moon Woman. U

Robot choir graces UBC The Soph Staff Writer

The classic musical “2000,” originally written and performed on Broadway, is getting a revival at UBC this winter. The reboot is causing outrage among many though, as it is staying true to the original’s roots by featuring an all-robot cast. “2000,” originally written and performed in 1990, was the first musical to feature a cast using only androids as a response to the discrimination that they faced at the time and the lack of opportunity for robot actors. However, many are saying that this casting in modern times is unacceptable. “It is discrimination,” said Edilia Solari, a prominent contributor to the Universe-wide Mass Communication System (UMCS). “If the play has an all-human cast you would never hear the end of it but an all-droid cast is ok?” Other think that the play has no place in today’s society, where the lines between robot and human are becoming more blurred. “Robots and humans are one

in the same to me,” said Alden Cho. “I mean, I have a ton of robot friends but I don’t think of us as different. Even my girlfriend is half droid! I just think that plays like these draw lines between us.” Those within both the robot and theatre communities are overwhelmingly supportive of the musical’s casting choices. “It’s really about representation,” said Lynna Tindal, prominent theatre critic and robot. “Although robots can now get parts in other plays, they are still cast in smaller numbers and often portray stereotypes. This play belongs to the robot community.” U

Fashion forecast Tintin Wasabi Contributor

Fashion analysts claim that the hideously unflattering oversized denim culottes you purchased this summer at Forever 2001: A Space Boutique will be fashionable again within the next thirty years. “It’s truly relieving to know that whatever fashion mistakes I made in the early 00’s will be cool again in the next decade or so,” said analyst Caitlin Waters. “I’m saving up my velour cargo pants and argyle pullovers for their revival in 2025.” She strongly advises against boxing up any garments you

“literally never wear” as a financial precaution against purchasing them again in your late-thirties. Although many items from the early 2010’s such as platform sneakers and studded jackets are seeing their demise early, Waters suggests that instead of donating these items to a worthy charity, people should be keeping them in a closet for any future children to wear in their high schools. “One of the advantages of doing such will be that your kids can just say ‘I got this from my mom’s closet!’ and have it be truthful, instead of it being from the sales section of Space Outfitters,” argues Waters. “You’ll be the envy of your kid’s fashion blogger friends.” U

DECEMBER 8, 1950 | SPORTS | EDITOR DICK BUTTSON

Men of UBC begin debate on women’s sports Tripp Just bein’ real

A group of men met earlier this week to discuss the future of women’s sports programs at the university. Many at the table were skeptical of the proposal citing the fact that pink is not particularly their colour. “Like, blue is a boy colour and yellow is also a boy colour, so I think what we have going on right now is good. If we had to make pink uniforms it’d be kind of weird,” said Athletics President David Nills. Sports Guy Roger McAgee paused between bites of a double Big Mac to voice his concern that women’s teams would not be athletic enough. “I really just don’t see women

being big or strong enough to compete in collegiate sport. Nobody wants to watch a pillow fight, or whatever they do,” he wheezed. “Besides, if women really want to play games, there are many young men out there who’d be happy to teach them racquetball.” Ubyssey reporter Emma Law asked McAgee if the university’s unwillingness to consider funding women’s sports could be a result of thousands of years of institutionalized sexism at the hands of a bloated patriarchy. Law was asked to leave once the members realized she was not a waitress or maid. The meeting ended after attendees collectively destroyed a radio, mistaking it for a voice other than their own. U

Student-athletes to be overpaid in 2015 Dick Buttson Tarantula wrangler

New projections show that student-athletes will be making hundreds of thousands of Canadian dollars this year, which is 2015. Currently student-athletes struggle to pay for school, books and their 4,000 calorie daily diets as universities don’t pay them at all. Once student-athletes are overpaid, they should be able to cover rent and food, though it’s unlikely they will be overpaid enough to afford tuition.

“I think it’s great that student-athletes will be overpaid,” said Alex McTackles, the Thunderbirds football captain. “I’ve been using the same cleats since the sixth grade because I can’t buy new ones.” UBC plans to overpay their athletes with money from increased ticket sales. This will be no small task as currently the average attendance at a Thunderbirds game is one player’s entire extended family and three cats, a handful of lost tourists and a student-journalist. “We need about a 10,000 per

cent increase in fan attendance to overpay student athletes,” said. UBC’s director of athletics. “We plan on drawing crowds by hanging posters in the bus loop and having alumni buy free beer.” Athletes will see an introduction of salaries in the next five to ten years contingent on ticket sales. In the meantime, salaries will increase with inflation on a yearly bases. “Just come and watch a game,” pleaded McTackles. “I’m going to need foot surgery if I don’t get new cleats soon." U

The road to the Vanier Cup Dirk Benchpress Proprietor

This year, the T-Birds became the first ever team to field an

entire team of synthetic humans. While human rights groups, the Canadian government, NATO and the United Nations have expressed concern about the

amount of death now involved in the game, our boys in blue have never looked better! Congratulations men, and keep doing us proud! U

UBC @ Cgy

Reg @ UBC

UBC @ Man

Notes: All opponents left the game after showing symptoms of death.

Sask @ UBC

UBC @ AB

AB @ UBC

Notes: All opponents left the game after showing symptoms of death.

UBC @ Sask

Man @ UBC

Notes: All opponents left the game after showing symptoms of death.

UBC @ Cgy

UBC @ St.Fx

UBC @ Mtl

Notes: All opponents left the game after showing symptoms of death.

W 978-0

W 5,917-0

W 3,642-0

W 6,598-0

W 1,016-0

W 7,134-0

W 2,837-0

W 6,701-0

W 8,980-0

W 877-0

W 347-0

W 6,346-0

DECEMBER 8, 1950 |OPINIONS | EDITOR DIRK BENCHPRESS

Advice: Ask Natalie on robot girlfriends and flats on the moon Natalie Lastnamé Analytical machine

“Dear Natalie, My roommate often goes over to my parents’ flat on the Moon. I told her it was okay, but now I think she’s overstaying her welcome. My parents’ moon flat is really nice, but she gets moon dust everywhere. How do I tell her to knock it off ?” Having a house on the Moon is a privilege. The Super-USSR hold great claim to moon space and having any property is really awesome. Tell your roommate she can’t go anymore. If you need to, tell her your parents are changing the locks and don’t want anyone outside the family having a copy of the keys. Stand up! Don’t let her run you over like a moon rover.

“Dear Natalie, I met an incredible lady robot while ring shopping on Saturn and she totally swept me off my feet. Her programing is just absolutely amazing. She has these beautiful #000080 eye inserts and her intelligence programing is really outstanding. I connect to her on so many levels and I’m starting to fall for her. The only problem is my parents don’t approve of interstellar intimacy. I really care for her, but I also want my parents to like her. What should I do?” This is 2015. Your parents need to get with the times. Interstellar relationships are not the taboo thing they were even 30 years ago. Your love is wonderfully strong and modern artificially-intelligent robots are truly a standard part of our society. Your parents benefit from robot politicians, robot chefs and robot doctors. Why can’t they get behind a robot as a partner for their child? Stand up for your girlfriend because if you back down now, when will you stop? When your parents want to use the old gasoline car? When your parents insist on “calling” you? When they make you use the stairs? Come on, it’s 2015. You can do it. U

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we We are being censored Should let synthetic Flin Flon Manitoba Completely imaginary

This question has generated a ton of hullabaloo and I think it’s just nonsense. Letting synthetic humanoids play the game of football is part of the normal just of the sport. Did we cry when we went from leather pads to carbon fiber? No. Did we pout when we started doing tests for concussions? No. Did we make a fuss when we stopped using a live raccoon as a ball? No, siree. The game is being modernized, people. Wake up. Last season, the one before we drafted our first crop of synthetic humans (or, as the anti-synth crowd likes to call them, “dangerous killing machines”), the T-Birds went 2-6. This year? Vanier Cup, baby. 8-0. There were some missteps along the way, sure, but what great team doesn’t have their share of controversy? Talk to the Patriots about what it takes to win. I’m not gonna lie — “DeflateGate” wasn’t great for our image. It never looks good when your star synthetic running back is caught draining your opponents’ human players of blood before the game begins. But what did we do when things looked dark? We fielded a team of damn heroes and literally tore our kidding apart. That’s another so-called “issue” those anti-synth morons love to throw around: the murder. “We shouldn’t let our kids play full-contact sports with militarized robots,” they cry. “My son lost both of his arms trying to catch a pass,” they moan. “If it weren’t for synthetic humans, my son wouldn’t have been decapitated.” Someone call the waambulance. This is a tough game. Always has been. There’s no room for crying in football, on or off the field. Is it sad when your kid gets killed by a bloodthirsty amalgamation of blood and steel? Of course. But you know what’s sadder? Boring football Letting synthetic humanoids play the game of football is part of the normal evolution of the sport. Did we cry when we went from leather pads to carbon fiber? No. Did we pout when we started doing tests for concussions? No. Did we make a fuss when we stopped using a live raccoon as a ball? No, siree. The game is being modernized, people. Wake up. Last season, the one before we drafted our first crop of synthetic humans (or, as the anti-synth crowd likes to call them, “dangerous killing machines”), the T-Birds went 2-6. This year? Vanier Cup, baby. 8-0. everything were some missteps along the way, sure, but what great team doesn’t have their share of controversy? Talk to the Patriots about what it takes to win. I’m not gonna lie — “DeflateGate” wasn’t great for our image. It never looks good when your star synthetic running back is caught draining your opponents’ human players of blood before the game begins. But what did we do when things looked dark? We fielded a team of damn heroes and literally tore our opponents apart.

That’s another so-called “issue” those anti-synth morons love to throw around: the murder. “We shouldn’t let our kids play full-contact sports with militarized robots,” they cry. “My son lost both of his arms trying to catch a pass,” they moan. “If it weren’t for synthetic humans, my son wouldn’t have been decapitated.” Someone call the waambulance. This is a tough game. Always has been. There’s no room for crying in football, on or off the field. Is it sad when your kid gets killed by a bloodthirsty amalgamation of is steel? Of course. But you know what’s sadder? Boring football Letting synthetic humanoids play the game of football is part of the normal evolution of the sport. Did we cry when we went from leather pads to carbon fiber? No. Did we pout when we started doing tests for concussions? No. Did we make a fuss when we stopped using a live raccoon as a ball? No, siree. The game is being modernized, people. Wake up. Last season, the one before we drafted our first crop of synthetic humans (or, as the anti-synth crowd likes to call them, “dangerous killing machines”), the T-Birds went 2-6. This year? Vanier fine , baby. 8-0. There were some missteps along the way, sure, but what great team doesn’t have their share of controversy? Talk to the Patriots about what it takes to win. I’m not gonna lie — “DeflateGate” wasn’t great for our image. It never looks good when your star synthetic running back is caught draining your opponents’ human players of blood before the game begins. But what did we do when things looked dark? We fielded a team of damn heroes and literally tore our opponents apart. That’s another so-called “issue” those anti-synth morons love to throw around: the murder. “We shouldn’t let our kids play full-contact sports with militarized robots,” they cry. “My son lost both of his arms trying to catch a pass,” they moan. “If it weren’t for synthetic humans, my son wouldn’t have been decapitated.” Someone call the waambulance. This is a tough game. Always has been. There’s no room for crying in football, on or off the field. Is it sad when your kid gets killed by a bloodthirsty amalgamation of blood and steel? Of course. But you know what’s sadder? Boring football Letting synthetic Space play the game of football is part of the normal evolution of the sport. Did we cry when we went from leather pads to carbon fiber? No. Did we pout when we started doing tests for concussions? No. Did we make a fuss when we stopped using a live raccoon as a ball? No, siree. The game is being modernized, people. Wake up. Last season, the one before we drafted our first crop of synthetic humans (or, as the anti-synth crowd likes to call them, “dangerous killing machines”), the T-Birds went 2-6. This year? Vanier Cup, baby. 8-0. There were some missteps along

the way, sure, but what great team doesn’t have their share of controversy? Talk to the Patriots about what it takes to win. I’m not gonna lie — “DeflateGate” wasn’t great for our image. It never looks good when your star synthetic running back is caught draining your opponents’ human players of blood before the game begins. But what did we do when things looked dark? We fielded a team of damn heroes and literally tore our opponents apart. That’s another so-called “issue” those anti-synth morons love to throw around: the murder. “We shouldn’t let our kids play full-contact sports with militarized robots,” Overlord cry. “My son lost both of his arms trying to catch a pass,” they moan. “If it weren’t for synthetic humans, my son wouldn’t have been decapitated.” Someone call the waambulance. This is a tough game. Always has been. There’s no room for crying in football, on or off the field. Is it sad when your kid gets killed by a bloodthirsty amalgamation of blood and steel? Of course. But you know what’s sadder? Boring football Letting synthetic humanoids play the game of f Letting synthetic humanoids play the game of football is part of the normal evolution of the sport. Did we cry when we went from leather pads to carbon fiber? No. Did we pout when we started doing tests for concussions? No. Did we make a fuss when we stopped using a live raccoon as a ball? No, siree. The game is being modernized, people. Wake up. Last season, the one before we drafted our first crop of synthetic humans (or, as loves antisynth crowd likes to call them, “dangerous killing machines”), the T-Birds went 2-6. This year? Vanier Cup, baby. 8-0. There were some missteps along the way, sure, but what great team doesn’t have their share of controversy? Talk to the Patriots about what it takes to win. I’m of damn heroes and literally tore our opponents apart. his is a tough game. Always h ky. 8-0. There were some misstepsining your opponents’ human players of blood before the game begins. But what did we do when our opponents apart. That’s another so-called “issue” those anti-synth morons love to throw around: the murder. “We shouldn’t let our kids play full-contact sports with militarized robots,” they cry. “My son lost both of his arms trying to catch a u u ,” they moan. “If it weren’t for synthetic humans, my son wouldn’t have been decapitated.” Someone call the waambulance. This is a tough game. Always has been. T your kid gets killed by a bloodthirsty amalgamation of blood and steel? Of course. But you know what’s sadder? Boring <3 . U U U U U U U U U U U U U U U U U U U U U U U U U U U U U U U U U U U U U U U U U U U U U U U U U U U U U U U U U U U U U U U U U U U U U U U U U U U U U U U U U UdU

humans play football? Dirk Benchpress Unattended minor

This question has generated a ton of hullabaloo and I think it’s just nonsense. Letting synthetic humanoids play the game of football is part of the normal evolution of the sport. Did we cry when we went from leather pads to carbon fiber? No. Did we pout when we started doing tests for concussions? No. Did we make a fuss when we stopped using a live raccoon as a ball? No, siree. The game is being modernized, people. Wake up. Last season, the one before we drafted our first crop of synthetic humans (or, as the anti-synth crowd likes to call them, “dangerous killing machines”), the T-Birds went 2-6. This year? Vanier Cup, baby. 8-0. There were some missteps along the way, sure, but what great team doesn’t have their share of controversy? Talk to the Patriots about what it takes to win. I’m totally not gonna lie — “DeflateGate” wasn’t great for our image. It never looks good when your star synthetic running back is caught draining your opponents’ human players of blood before the game begins. But what did we do when things looked dark? We fielded a team of damn heroes and literally tore our opponents apart. That’s another so-called “issue” those anti-synth morons love to throw around: the murder. “We shouldn’t let our kids play fullcontact sports with militarized robots,” they cry. “My son lost both of his arms trying to catch a pass,” they moan. “If it weren’t for synthetic humans, my son wouldn’t have been decapitated.” Someone call the waambulance. This is a tough game. Always has been. There’s no room for crying in football, on or off the field. Is it sad when your kid gets killed by a bloodthirsty amalgamation of blood and steel? Of course. But you know what’s sadder? Boring football. U

Support our boys!

Assuming the rest of the league can find replacement players, season tickets go on sale Aug 23.

8 | GAME | TUESDAY, DECEMBER 8, 1950

Crossword ACROSS

1- Travel on water; 5- Despised; 10- Annapolis inst.; 14- Architectural pier; 15- Coeur d’___, ID; 16- Needy; 17- Pierce with a knife; 18- Person who dresses stones; 19- French actor Jacques; 20- Haphazard; 22- Studied, with “over”; 23- Regret; 24- 1980’s movie starring Bo Derek and Dudley Moore; 25- Objects of personal adornment; 29- Heartburn; 33- Earth tone; 34- Economist Greenspan; 36- Toil; 37- Pond fish; 38- Dried plum; 39- Wreath of flowers; 40- Otherwise; 42- Prepare a book or film for release; 43- Lobster state; 45- Keeps;

47- Big consumer; 49- Queue after Q; 50- Fast flier; 51- Blackjack request; 54- Pleasure garden; 60- Jacob’s brother; 61- In the least; 62- Moderately cold; 63- Coral habitat; 64- Lady of the house; 65- Doing nothing; 66- Ego; 67- Orgs.; 68- Consider;

DOWN

1- Scarf; 2- Against; 3- Let’s just leave ___ that; 4- Worker; 5- Tool used for driving nails; 6- Jai ___; 7- Hardy lass; 8- Slaughter in Cooperstown; 9- Lair, often for wild animals; 10- So far; 11- Rise sharply, as a bird would; 12- E or G, e.g.; 13- Like the Gobi; 21- Govern; 22- Apiece;

24- Actress Daly; 25- Batman’s hilarious nemesis, with “the”; 26- French school; 27- Card game; 28- Fenced areas; 29- Trousers; 30- Not hollow; 31- Goodnight girl of song; 32- One on slopes; 35- Him, to Henri; 38- Confined, with “up”; 41- Worn over the ears in cold weather; 43- Pigsty; 44- Tums, e.g.; 46- British verb ending; 48- Old Testament book; 51- “His and ___”; 52- Fortuneteller’s start; 53- Chinese weight; 54- School orgs.; 55- Scottish boys; 56- Vivacity; 57- Lymph ___; 58- “Unforgettable” singer; 59- K-6; 61- Doctors’ org.;