Fresher's Issue

05 September, 2012. Volume 20, Issue 01.

.

INSIDE..

page 6 page 5

page 18

page 9

save up to Washington st. 021 4274555 Wilton Mccurtain st. 021 450 6666 Douglas

021 454 6666 021 489 5577

T&C: *At regular menu prices with up to 3 toppings. **Up to 3 toppings & must be same or smaller size. Available Monday to Thursday only. Please mention offer when ordering. Present voucher at time of purchase. Only available with valid student ID. Not valid with any other offer. Valid for a limited time only & at participating stores. Collection or delivery. â‚Ź1 delivery charge per order. â‚Ź2 delivery charge per order after 12 midnight.

02 | Editorials

And so it begins

Kevin O’Neill Editor-in-Chief

L

et me be the first of so, so many in this publication to welcome you to UCC. Congratulations on making it this far and, don’t worry, the hardest part is over. The next is step… Well that is entirely up to you.

It is always said that college is what you make of it. And, like most clichés, there is a large degree of truth to this. Since checking my final results at the start of July just gone and thus confirming that my days as an undergrad were over, I have spent

section will take over the middle section of the paper, while the old favourites will be undergoing a makeover. Your contributions, suggestions and ideas will be key to how successful it is so don’t be afraid to send an email my way: editor@uccexpress.ie.

As a group, the editorial team are far from a closed unit – prior to getting involved, I knew absolutely nobody, while everyone on the editorial team started out as a relative novice. We range from disciplines as varied as Drama & Theatre Studies to Law – despite what some think, an English degree is not a prerequisite to be involved.

Your next step is your own choice and it really can go one way or another. For want of a better phrase, I made a balls of my first year in UCC and it is among my chief regrets in life.

Rather than embracing the exciting new surroundings that lay before me, I retreated into a shell

and did the bare minimum. I ignored societies, made a handful of new friends and scraped by with a 2:1 in my degree.

I have spent the two years since attempting to redress this imbalance. I threw myself into the deep-end with the Express, taking on editorial responsibilities as soon as I had half a chance. And I couldn’t be more thankful.

I’m now on the far side of a degree having met some of the most enthralling, intelligent and interesting people as a result of the paper. My CV contains certifiable proof of real world experience that employers are emphasising more in the current competitive climate. The benefits are far beyond what I had originally anticipated when I put pen to paper two years ago.

Where all of this leaves me is far from clear. Where three or four years of work will leave you is just as unclear. Don’t worry about what you want to do at the

end of your time here – very few people who traverse this campus have a clue where they want to be in five years time (and that goes for staff as well as students!). The most crucial point to take from this is that this is a once in a lifetime experience and it shouldn’t be wasted.

Whether you spend it nursing a hangover in the Old Bar, scarcely lifting your head from books in the Boole or wandering lost and cold in the ORB, it is not one to be wasted. Though it has not all been smooth sailing to get to this point, I am glad that I sit where I do right now. Should you take the opportunity to meet new people, try new things and make the most of your college experience, I have no doubt that you will echo these sentiments in years to come.

through college and I’m back for round two.

I was recently walking down the Western Road, flanked by the warmly oppressive shadow of the main campus Quad when the inspiration for this editorial appeared. It was a beautiful day and I took a second to turn off my iPod and notice where I was. The leaves were changing, though it seems summer is yet to arrive, and the air has acquired that fresh, crisp back to school smell.

I was struck all of a sudden by the beauty of the place. You may wonder now, how could someone ever become so accustomed to these fairytale surrounds that they would ever take them for granted. I once did too. Three years ago after a long day of orientation I sat in my lonely student apartment, surrounded by vouchers and leaflets and

the smell of fresh paint. I held my newly printed UCC Student ID Card and took a moment to read it. To realise that I was, in fact, a college student, that all that hard work had come to fruition was a bittersweet feeling. I was excited and scared. I decided to make the most of it.

I ploughed my way headfirst into every opportunity during my undergrad. I made friends, I discovered new passions, fell in love with my subject. As time moved on though days began earlier, dinner took place at 11pm if at all, and I began to greet most people with the term “I’m stressed”. In trying to make the most of everything, I began to lose sight of what was really important to me and most of all, the initial wonder I had when I first walked into Boole 4.

I had an amazing three years in UCC. I studied under astounding people and probably

grossly insulted them by writing more B.S. than I care to recall. Nonetheless I developed opinions and I found a niche. I pushed myself beyond all of my bounds and learned so much more about myself and other people than I ever could have had I merely attended lectures.

I value these experiences fiercely. However, it is only now that I am preparing to return that I realise that there are things I began to let slip by.

Namely, why I wanted to come to UCC in the first place, and how honoured I felt to be accepted. The possibilities available for every student who walks under the arch are immense and we need to remember that. Do not waste your years here.

You will be cajoled into joining every society and club going. I may even be doing some of the cajoling. You should join and make friends. You should

seek out every new experience with open arms. You will stay out all night, you will write essays hours before they are dueand pass. You will experience heartache and elation and learn that Tesco value does not a balanced diet make. You can’t even begin to realise how much you will change.

So as you walk through the majestic gates and cross the cobbles to the library, take the time to sit back and appreciate where you are. Allow yourself the praise you deserve for making it into a fantastic academic institution. Make a note of how you feel right at this moment to remind yourself later why you are here.

Appreciate it.

Photo Editor: Siobhan O’Connell photo@uccexpress.ie Features Editor: Annie Hoey features@uccexpress.ie Deputy Features Editor: Úna Farrell deputyfeatures@uccexpress.ie Entertainment Editor: Tracy Nyhan entertainment@uccexpress.ie

Deputy Entertainment Editor: Jack Broughan deputyentertainment@uccexpress.ie Film & TV Editor: Kellie Morrissey screen@uccexpress.ie Music Editor: Mike McGrath-Bryan music@uccexpress.ie

Arts & Literature Editor: Julie Daunt arts@uccexpress.ie Gaming Editor: Fergal Carroll gaming@uccexpress.ie Fashion Editor: Kieran Murphy fashion@uccexpress.ie Fiction Editor: Stephen Goulding newcorker@uccexpress.ie

a great degree of time wondering ‘what if ’. Where would I be right now had I chosen something I actually liked in first year? Where would I be if I had decided I hated it enough to drop out and start over? And, perhaps most crucially, where would I be if I hadn’t decided to chance my arm at writing an article for the music section of the UCC Express?

The opportunity to reinvent yourself is a rare and beautiful thing and it is something that is offered in droves in college.

New experiences await at every turn, it is never too late to take the plunge that you have often pushed to the back of your mind.

If you’re kind enough to check back in with us in a few weeks time, you’ll see that we’re tearing up the blueprint for this paper and starting from scratch.

A dedicated Entertainments

Golden Years

Audrey Ellard Walsh Deputy and News Editor

W

elcome to UCC. I will be your Deputy and News Editor for the year, if you will have me.

Allow me to impart a little bit of advice as I write to you from the other side of a degree. From beyond the caffeine crashes, the aspirations, the tears and the many “firsts”. From the other side of what I can only describe as the best of times. I made it

University College Cork Express Editor: Kevin O’Neill editor@uccexpress.ie Deputy Editor & News Editor: Audrey Ellard Walsh news@uccexpress.ie Design Editor: Niamh Gunning layout@uccexpress.ie

September 4, 2012

Sports Editor: Stephen Barry sports@uccexpress.ie Contributors: Eoghan Healy, Sam Ryan, Peter Neville, Aoife Corcoran, Julia Healy, Emmet Curtin, Sam Marks, Steve Hunt, John Murphy, Abdullah Morshed, Chris Redmond.

September 4, 2012

W

elcome to UCC and congrats on making it here!

I hope Santa Ponza or Crete was hit with a bang, Inbetweeners style! You’ve placed the most difficult part of the Irish education system behind you and you’ll hopefully never hear the phrase “Léigh anois na treoracha agus na ceisteanna a gabhann le cuid A” again. The freedom you experience in college is immense and the social life is top class!

My name is Eoghan Healy and I’ll be working as your SU President for the year. Basically, this involves keeping the whole show on the road and overseeing everything the SU does. We’ve been working hard all summer preparing Fresher’s Week, R&G Week, SHAG Week and lots of other fun events, along with all the serious stuff too (see the contribution from my colleague, Sam Ryan, below). Luckily, things are looking really good for the year ahead. There are a number of major issues that we are going

Welcome to UCC

to dedicate ourselves towards in the upcoming months.

Student finance has fast become one of those leading issues. With part-time work becoming harder and harder to find and the obvious economic situation, many students are struggling. Last year our Welfare Officer managed to highlight how pressing an issue financial concern is for students leading to the University, the result was the establishment of a role to deal with this on a full-time basis. We will also be providing money saving tips, deals of the week and monitoring loan schemes being offered to ensure the best deal for students. If you’re struggling to find work call in to us – we should be able to provide some advice on how to prepare your CV and set yourself up for a great interview.

Graduate employability is also high on our list of priorities. A college degree on its own simply doesn’t cut it anymore for most employers as they focus more and more on extra-curricular activi-

ties and skills obtained outside the classroom. We are confident that by the end of the year UCC students will be able to receive academic credits for involvement in clubs, societies or volunteering. We will also be running a number of seminars on interview skills, writing CV’s and job opportunities outside your discipline of study.

On a national level we will be keeping a close eye on the Minister for Education, Ruari Quinn, as he seems adamant on waging war on education.

With cuts to the post-graduate grant, a promised increase in the student contribution and the threat of fees ever looming on the horizon Third Level education is definitely in an unstable place.

Finally we will be looking at the little things; over-priced food on campus, unfair library fines and the tragically slow water fountains in the Mardyke to name but a few.

This is where you come in. If you spot any small problems in UCC, let us or your class reps know and we’ll sort it.

News | 03

Better still – run for class rep.

It will be an unforgettable experience.

Basically we’re here to sort any problems you have. College life is great but it isn’t always clear sailing. If things go wrong make sure you get in contact with us. If you’ve failed an exam, if you’re unhappy with a lecturer, if the dog dies or your sick, call in to us on College Road and we’ll sort it. Except the dog dying. He’s gone.

Sam Ryan – deputy@uccsu.ie Dave Carey – welfare@uccsu. ie James O’ Doherty – comms@ uccsu.ie PJ O’ Brien – education@ uccsu.ie Finally a personal word of advice – your time here in UCC is far too short! Make sure you don’t waste it. Try a new sport, join a society, run for class rep. Whatever you choose, make sure you try something new.

Feel free to drop any of us an email Eoghan Healy – President@ uccsu.ie

Best of luck, Eoghan Healy, Students’ Union President

Students’ Union campaign alongside UCC LGBT for Marriage Equality Sam Ryan

T

his summer has been an active one for the Students’ Union.

We’ve been busy planning for the arrival of the Freshers, as well as the return of the rest of the student body in September. The issue of student finance has taken considerable attention and work, while we’ve been dealing with exam results, repeats and all the various other queries that students have relating to these.

The last few years have seen the Students’ Union active in a number of campaigns, both in Cork and nationwide, the

most prevalent of these the March against Fees. Recently, we the newly elected Union for 2012/2013 began our work on the campaign front.

On August 12th, we were proud to march alongside UCC LGBT in the March for Marriage, organised by LGBT Noise.

Since the Student Council in January of this year, there has been a mandate in place for UCCSU to campaign for marriage equality and we were delighted to get to fulfill this directive. For us, the issue of marriage equality is not one for LGBT students alone but, rather, it is one for the student body as a whole,

and it’s a matter we’ll continue to be active on until our terms in office culminate, or until our Government sees sense and legislates for marriage equality.

It’s also not just the sabbatical officers of the SU who are working hard on this issue. Equality Officer Dave Berry and LGBT Rights Officer Aaron Blake have worked tirelessly on the issue too. The three of us, along with the rest of the SU, can’t wait to collaborate far better than ever before this year with UCC LGBT, officially Ireland’s Best Society.

UCC has also been lucky enough to be chosen this

year to host USI Pink Training. This is the biggest annual gathering of students from around the country relating to LGBT issues. It’s a great honour for the Union to have been chosen to host such an important event in the national student movement calendar and we look forward to helping USI with its organization and also look forward to welcoming over 400 students to Cork for the weekend of the 16th, 17th and 18th of November. If you have any interest in attending the event email lgbt@uccsocieties.ie.

The March for Marriage was just the first of many cam-

paigns which the SU is going to be running this year and if you have any interest in getting involved in the work that goes into these campaigns or think there’s something the SU should be doing that we’re not then email deputy@ uccsu.ie. As a Union, we are here to work for the student body, your contribution and input is crucial to the success of our terms in office.

Finally, as many more will do so in these pages, I welcome you to UCC (or, indeed, welcome back) and hope that you enjoy your time here as much as we have thus far.

September 4, 2012

04 | Features

Well well well…

Annie Hoey

Features Editor

W

elcome to the Features Section. You may laugh. You will more than likely cry. I hope not. I hope you like us immensely. I hope you like us so much that you will want to come and write for us ALL THE TIME!! Currently it is just Una, Peter and myself writing away here, so you are more than welcome to join us! All you need to do is send us an email at features@ uccexpress.ie, give us an idea

of what you are interested in writing and we will give you the go ahead- simples!

Getting involved in the Express is not the only thing you should do with your time here in UCC. Why not join a society or club? Try something new that you have never done before, be that juggling, ballroom dancing, ultimate Frisbee or even being an LGBT Ally- there is something out there for you!

Throw yourself into college life- join everything, go to everything, make all the friends and try all the new things!

Don’t get caught up in what people think of you- this is your college experience and not theirs, and you are the only one who has control over ho good/bad it will be.

I don’t have any regrets from my time in college- sure

I cold have made friends quicker, gone out a bit more, studied a bit harder. But then I wouldn’t be where I am now.

I really took my time getting into my college stride. I didn’t join any societies until my final year and I didn’t try anything new at all. I went a bit mad then, joined all the societies, went on all the committees and totally ran out of steam- but I loved every minute of it!

Do know where my life is going? What I want to ‘be’ when I grow up? Not at all! What I do know is that I love what I am doing in college at the moment (Women’s Studies). I know that I loved everything else I have studied (Drama and Theatre Studies, English, Comparative and World Literature). I am not sure where this ran-

dom collection of subjects will lead me but I sure know I am having fun on the way.

I love learning which is what college life is all about-discovering new things, having new experiences and learning some life lessons on the way. And you should to.

The next few weeks are going to be really daunting.

There will be new sights, sounds, smells and sensations- you are like a puppy let lose in a new field! Take it all in. Love it or hate it, the next few weeks and years will have a profound effect on you. You will see people you want to emulate, hear lecturers speak in a way you want to imitate and hear things you will want to remember for a profound moment in your later life.

Enjoy it all. Don’t get het up about learning off the Dew-

ey Decimal System (how the books in the library are organised).

Just let the college experience wash over you like a cool beer in your belly on a hot summer’s day. Stress will come. My word it will come in abundance! So relax for the next few weeks. There is enough stuff to keep your inquisitive little brain busy without adding additional stress to it. While you are off enjoying your Fresher Week fun, I am off to try and finish my thesis. Have a fresher pint on me and I will talk to you in the next issue.

P.S. Try and go to at least your introductory classesthey will hopefully inspire you to keep going for the rest of the year!

proves difficult for me with one mistake already made and a year slightly wasted.

Well I say wasted but it wasn’t completely. It’s mistakes like such that we learn from. I chose the wrong subject but I didn’t know that until I had chosen it. My point is that we have to make mistakes to learn and to grow.

We cannot develop as people without first making a past for ourselves. Regardless of how set we think our lives may be there will always be something to offset our plans.

The beauty of it all is that we can change our minds as often as we like. Nothing is ever permanent. You can and will make mistakes. You don’t have to know exactly what or where you are going in life. It may prove more difficult in the long run by making such mistakes but no one ever said life was going to be easy. Never settle.

If you don’t like something change it. If you’re not sure about something ride it out. After all you can chalk it up to experience. If you find something you love then do all you can to get where you want to be. At the end of the day, regardless of finances, age, gender, race, intelligence etc, if you want something then the only thing stopping you from achieving it is you.

Do you think those gold medallists are where they are because they just like what they do? It’s a passion. But while you search for that moment where you realise you know what you want just enjoy the ride. Life is what you make it not what it makes out of you. You don’t need to be a 16 year old with an Olympic gold medal, you just need a passion that makes you happy.

Where do we go from here?

Úna Farrell

Deputy Features Editor

W

elcome to UCC class of 2015/16.

And of course welcome back to all the rest of ye. It has been an extremely wet and windy summer and I am more than happy to be returning to college. However, I am somewhat sentimental about returning this

year because it may well be my final year here in UCC. I aim to graduate in 2013 and, after that, who knows where I’ll end up. Probably at home annoying my parents while I search for someone to take an English/Psychology graduate.

This summer, and the fact that I’m now a final year, has made me really think about my aspirations in life. Watching the Olympics and seeing kids, yes I say kids because they’re only 16, winning gold medals made me feel a little insignificant. While they are literally the best in the world in their chosen fields, I sit around all day doing nothing, and my greatest achievement in life is probably managing to get this position as Deputy Features Editor (and that was probably because no one else applied).

I mean, where am I going with my life? I have no clue

what I am doing. Researching postgraduate courses has only rendered me more confused. I thought I’d have some idea of what I want to do by now but I’m no closer to finding that out than when I started college. But yet I’m not panicked. I have a feeling everything will work out.

I know there are many first years reading this who are probably relieved to hear that a final year student still hasn’t figured it all out. Glad to be of service.

People don’t seem to admit to the fact that they are clueless. Not everyone can know exactly where they are heading in life at this age. I’m still discovering who I am, so until I’m certain of that, there’s no hope of me figuring out my life plan. I cannot commit to making a decision too big that it will have a permanent effect on my future life. Even choosing subjects in college

September 4, 2012.

Features | 05

31 things to do (and not do!) in UCC before you graduate!

Editor-in-Chief Kevin O’Neill and Features Editor Annie Hoey list the unmissable aspects of your third level education.

1. Go out during Fresher’s Week. It is the one time that you can go out every night and not have lectures/exam/ assignment pressure on you.

R&G Week doesn’t countlecturers see it as a challenge to give you as much work as possible that week.

2. Have a Golden Week. This means that you go to every single one of your classes and tutorial for a whole week.

Easy you say? Not so much after a night of debauchery that end in naked Twister at a complete stranger’s house.

Try going to your 9 am lecture then! (Editor’s note – after three years, I managed a grand total of zero Golden Weeks. Top that.)

meal (kinda) every evening of the week!

7. Go see a play in the Granary. It is dirt cheap and guaranteed to be an excellent night of entertainment. Also, go to the free music sessions that Trad Soc and Capriccio regularly run in the Aula Maxima – a great way to spend your lunch hour(s).

3. Get a Student Travel Card and go on random trips to odd parts of the country.

Clare, for example. Upon arriving in the west, realising why you don’t normally leave Cork and turning around.

8. Go to a Ball. Any ball. Then make jokes about balls. And 4. Play Hide and Seek in they say college is for growthe Library. During study ing up… month. Want to see someone crack and start hurling cop- 9. Go to a random lecture. ies of ‘Mein Kampf ’ across a But pick wisely- go to somepacked library? This is step thing that you will at least one. understand- that three hour lecture on the nervous sys5. Get as much free stuff as tem in your toes was not the possible on Societies Day. most enthralling experience This is your one chance to of my life… stock up on pens, jellies, condoms and badges. Don’t 10. Don’t cross the Quad. think you want to join sky- You’ll fail every exam you diving-judo? You do if you ever take. And everyone will want the free Haribo! stop and stare, and know that you are an idiot. Don’t be that 6. Clubs and societies? Join person. them all. And then keep an eye out for when they have 11. Go to the Mardyke Gym. events that involve food i.e. You pay for it, so it seems a pizza nights, cinema nights, waste not to use it! There are bbq, etc. If you play your squillions of different classes cards right, you can get a free and sports, so you are bound

to find something to amuse yourself with.

dreds of thousands to choose from. Go on, try broadening your mind. Even better if it’s 12. Visit one of the other the only copy of a required campuses. UCC has loads of text for some poor Masters campuses outside the main student. one, so it is always nice to go and have a poke about. And 18. Actually go to the library you can be totally jealous of before Study Month. We all Brookfield’s shininess. know who you are when you come in looking panicked in 13. Try the soup in the Main May. And we will take advantage and send you off looking for Shakespeare in the Dentistry section.

19. Go to a comedy gig.

Comedy Soc have them on all the time, and on occasion the SU get in big acts too. Granted, sometimes it’s Andrew Maxwell, but that’s worth going to just to see his face when people start to walk out.

20. Get involved in the Student’s Union or the student newspaper. It’s a great way to show evRest. It always looks the same eryone back home how well but it never tastes the same adjusted and sophisticated two days in a row… you’ve become in college. The ****s.

14. Write an article for the Express. It can be on any- 21. Dodge campus during the thing you want- you just have Student Union elections – I’m to email the editor of the sure you’re going to do wonsection you are interested in derful work when I elect you having it in and away you go! Chief-Overlord of the Arts faculty, but I really did have 15. Don’t show up on your an exam an hour ago that you first day in heels and tan. It delayed me for. sets an unrealistic expectation, not only for you, but for 22. Take part in a protest. your fellow students. Just re- There is always someone lax, ok? complaining about something- join them! Personally, 16. Go to the Mardyke swim- I can’t wait to march in faming pool and just float, It vour of abolishing college on drives those hard-working, Fridays. hard-core swimmers absolutely nuts!

23. Collect over 100 new friends on Facebook. See 17. Get out a random book Una’s piece on stalking. I in the library. There are hun- mean ‘making friends’.

24. Go to the Common Room with the intention of playing one quick game of FIFA or pool. Leave six hours later wondering what happened to your Tuesday and why there is such a large angry mob waving pitchforks at you.

25. Go to Class Parties. Always a great way to embarrass yourself in front of the people you’ll spend the next three to four years awkwardly making eye contact with.

26. Creep on people while in the Student Centre. By the windows in prime creeping/ judging spot. I mean, did you see what she was wearing?!

27. Make a friend from another country. Then get them to cook for you. Yay- more free food!

28. Go to the Old Bar for an all-day session earlier than you’ve ever gone to any of your lectures.

29. Join all the political parties and play them off one another during debates.

30. Stock up on the free condoms available during Fresher’s Week. Witness the anguish on a girl’s face next April when you finally open the box. Of condoms.

31. Picnic in the President’s Garden: with your house, close friends, whoever. Just go outside, bring your picnic basket, sit, and bask in the glory of sun, food, and procrastination. Ask the President to join you. He won’t.

But it’s nice to ask.

06 | Features

ExpressIt

September 4, 2012

The people are real.

The problems are real.

The advice is questionable…

Dear ExpressIt,

Dear ExpressIt,

I hooked up with this amazing guy last week and we had such a good night together. He took my number and I added him on Facebook but now he won’t respond to my Facebook messages and hasn’t texted me either. I really like him, like he could be “the one”. What should I do? ---- LoverGirl

It’s been 4 days, 13 hours and 27 minutes. I’m currently located on the second floor of the ORB. This strange and confusing maze has me trapped in a never ending sea of blue couches and long corridors. How do I navigate this maze to make it out in time for Freshers week? ---- LostBoy

She says: Obviously he’s just playing hard to get. If he spent one night with you then he must have equal, if not stronger, feelings than you express for him. No one just hops into bed with strangers unless they know its going to develop into a deep and meaningful relationship. I assume he has lost your number. From my experience many guys are forgetful and have encountered many a silly fool who has not saved my number correctly in his phone either! He accepted you on Facebook which is further proof that he is in love with you too. Use this to see where he frequents and arrange to “coincidently” bump into him. He will most likely be extremely apologetic for his actions and immediately ask you out. Be sure to send me an invite to the wedding!

She says: Typical male: too stubborn to ask for directions even when faced with a life threatening situation. I would try and help you but more than likely you’ll just get more lost in the abyss of the ORB. Or else you will ignore any of my attempts to give you direction as you are of course always right and I have no sense of direction. Yet I write to you from the comfort of my home not trapped in a building which conveniently has maps of each floor placed in obvious view. But I’m sure you’ve seen these and know “a shortcut” not on these maps.

I won’t give you any advice on the directions out of the ORB as you will probably not heed them. As usual, a woman will save the day and I will come and get your sorry ass from the second floor. I don’t fear you will not have found you way out before I get to you so I won’t rush. Might grab a skinny frappacino on the way…

He says: Sigh… Marie you have to learn a few things pretty quickly (I’m calling you Marie because it seems like the name of a girl who just moved from their quaint little parish in Kerry for a riveting UCC experience of doing Arts.

That’s an issue for another day) Firstly you’re in college. YOU ARE HERE TO HAVE FUN, NOT ACT LIKE YOU’RE 30!!! When you leave college and manage to find a job with your 1978 Irish History/French Polynesian Dialects Arts degree there will be plenty time to acting old. Secondly this ‘relationship’ will exist in the romantic hours of between 3:30am-5:00am when your knight in shining armour is hammered drunk, full of Hillbilly’s finest and horny as a Jack Russell. You will get the sacred text which will count as foreplay and he will call over to do the dirty deed. The next morning you should offer him plenty of water and a breakfast roll. Do these simple things and you should be sorted.

He says: I’m going to be honest with you. I wouldn’t be throwing 2 euro on you down in the bookies even with the crazy odds. I would put my money on Accrington Stanley winning the FA Cup before you getting out of there any time soon.

But because I’m such a nice guy and I wouldn’t want anyone missing their first Freshers Week I’m going to give you a few pointers. Firstly don’t try and get help off the natives. This is their entertainment for the year, sipping their Mochas and Skinny Latte’s while watching helpless first years wander the endless corridors of the ORB in a futile attempt to escape. A fine strategy is to rip up all your clothes so you can tie scraps of fabric to objects so you will know if you have been there before. If you find yourself balls naked and still lost then you only have one option. I just hope you aren’t afraid of heights. Those shrubs circling the building aren’t just there for decoration; they can provide the perfect cushioned landing for a window dive. Also make sure to do a flip, it will make it way cooler. Godspeed my friend.

How To Be A Creep Make Friends

Deputy Features Editor Úna Farrell has devised some foolproof ways to overcome the daunting challenge of making new friends in college.

I

nitiation: Eye contact and smile. Not just a little grin, full on Cheshire cat smile and don’t break eye contact. Ever. They will be so enthralled by your welcoming grin and direct gaze that they will feel compelled to speak to you.

Questions: Ask loads of questions. I mean literally once they stop talking ask another question straight away before they have the chance to ask you something. Let them do all the talking. People love talking about themselves and you’ll look like a great listener and appear really interested

in their boring lives.

The Add: Waste no time in adding them on Facebook. If you can do it while talking to them all the better! The minute they accept make sure to write posts on their timeline, poke them, chat them, send them Farmville requests and check in, whatever it takes to make sure they don’t forget who you are.

Swot up: Once they have accepted you on Facebook, be sure to go through all of their pictures, previous status updates, important life events, pages they have liked. Next

time you are talking to them be sure to mention what you have learned from your creeping. “Hey I noticed that you have a cat named Tiger and you went on holidays to Greece in 2010” It is sure to make them realise you have a genuine interest in their life.

Show off: Whatever you have that is somewhat impressive make sure you brag about it. New iPhone, holiday home in Spain, a famous relative. Anything which will make you sound more important than them is good. They will feel inferior therefore

making them think you are amazing and they will really want to be your friend because you’re so cool.

Copycat: They say opposites attract but you need common ground to build a friendship. Therefore, anything they happen to mention that they like, make sure you like it toomore even. They love paragliding?

You ignore your acrophobia. They hate tea? You rip your Barry’s teabags up. A great friendship will develop from a realisation that you have not just a lot but everything in common.

Making friends doesn’t have to be difficult. It’s easy once you have the charm and confidence which these handy hints will give you the edge on. So go, walk into that lecture hall, sit next to a random person and leave with a new best friend / restraining order!

September 4, 2012

Take Care of Yourself

Peter Neville

I

n the build-up to Fresher year, there is always one sure fire certainty- the free flowing stories amongst students of drinking, partying and socialising on a grand scale.

However, amidst all the good elements of college, it is easy to overlook health and safety. Don’t worry- this is not an article aimed at patronising.

This is just a quick guide as to how to look after your mental health whilst in college. Simply put, college can be stressful. Ask any second or third year- or even better, one repeating first year- around about exam time, and they will quickly change the topic. That is because they are hard and definite stress machines. True- exams seem a million years away right now, but as sure as a rainy Irish summer, they creep up on you. And suddenly, the good times abruptly end, and anxiety sets in.

At times like these, counselling is a very beneficial optionUniversity College Cork is lucky to be an optimistic campus, with numerous services available to any student finding it tough.

Sadly, both nationally and worldwide, suicide rates amongst young people have become epidemical; and statistics show that there are at least 5,000 students in UCC living with some sort of depression. But how do you promote a positive mental state within yourself? Secretary of the Slainte Society, Shauna Murphy, offers some useful advice: “If you believe that you’ll make friends and settle in, you will. Believe in yourself!

A positive attitude creates a mind-set of solutions, and enthusiasm. You can change reality by allowing yourself to act in a different way. Put positive post-it notes on your mirror and create positive expectations- it all starts with your attitude.”

It is not as difficult as it may seem to make a significant change to your lifestyle and mental health. Here are a couple of helpful tips from college students who have been in the same situation and come through it.

1. Don’t leave all your studying to the last minute - Although hard to balance academic affairs with

society, club and social requirements and temptations, it is important to try to get some work done each week. Try to avoid the college cliché of leaving it all to the last minute. Not only will you feel better about your situation, but you will also get better marks and hopefully avoid the dreaded August repeats.

2. Don’t feel like your problems are unimportant - There is nothing worse than being faced with a difficult situation and feeling like it must remain a secret. Trust me, the longer a problem stays in your head, the more it gains strength and eventually it seems worse than it actually is. Talk to a friend, or if you would prefer, UCC offers a fantastic counselling service.

3. Join a club or soci- ety - Although slightly contradictory to the first tip, it is important to have a social outlet. Most societies and clubs hold weekly events, which are a great way to let off some steam. These also succeed in bringing people will similar hobbies and interests together- be it History, Physics or even Japanese- there is a society that would be very glad to meet you.

4. Go to your lectures- This may sound simple to first years, but other years will be sniggering slightly to themselves. A lot of students miss lecturers, feeling that all the notes they need will be on the internetdon’t fall into that trap. Go to lectures, even if it is just a location to sleep off that hangover. You never know- you might learn something.

5. Enjoy it! - College is the best part of your life, so they say. So by that logic, it shouldn’t be a bore or a stressful demon. Relax and take each challenge as it comes- be it essays, exams, competitions, speeches or even romantic experiences. If you give it your full attention, you’ll quickly reap the rewards.

At the end of it all, your mental health should be a priority. Keep positive- these are the good times. Even when you are struggling in subjects, keep your head up and smile. And remember, even if you can’t spell Armageddon, it’s not the end of the world!

Features | 07

Letters to a First Year Self Dear Past Úna, It’s 2009 and you’re 17. You’re scared shitless because you have no idea what you want to do with your life and have little clue as to why you are doing this course. No point in worrying now though: you still won’t know what you’re doing by the time you reach final year!

Speaking of final year, you will be taking a scenic route, which is quite unexpected, but definitely worth it, because you will make it here. Yes, you will do stupid things over the next 3 years but nothing you regret or are deeply ashamed of. You will take a drunken trip to CUH but it won’t be for you. You will join countless societies and clubs and will receive emails from them for the next three years despite not ever going to a meeting. You will have hangovers where you think you are literally dying but you will survive. You won’t go to the gym until your 3rd year in college even though you promise you will go “next week”. You will have only one Golden Week per year. You will jump out of a plane from 13,000 ft with strangers.

A few pointers: learn the rules to Kings before you get completely set up. In second year set your alarm properly for your Christmas exams. Make sure you are firmly holding your coffee cup at all times. Always double check the time before you leave for a lecture an hour early. Do not ever drink wine or wine related drinks.

Most importantly Úna, you are only 17, you are young and stupid and haven’t a notion what you are doing even if you think you do, but this is the only chance you have in college so be wreckless, irresponsible and do everything and anything you want. I’ve spent 3 years in college and I wouldn’t change a thing about it.

Present Úna Dear Past Annie, As hard as this might be to believe, you are still going to be in UCC in seven years time. Yes, seven. I know you hate it more than anything in the world right now but believe me, you are going to fall in love with it pretty soon! And yes, Drama and Theatre Studies is even more flippy-dippy than you imagined.

By the end of your three year course you will have cut all your hair off (gasp!!), learned how to do the Downward Dog (not as dirty as it sounds!) and will perform a naked feminist burlesque in front of your whole class. So prepare yourself.

I wish you weren’t so shy and afraid to talk to people. It isn’t so scary once you do it once! You don’t need to wait until final year to join a society. Just like every other first year, you signed up to every society on the go (whatever happened to the Pagan Society and the Pirate Society anyway??) but of course you didn’t go to a single thing. Instead you hid in your room, lamenting the fact that you are only 17 and cannot go out for Fresher’s Week and that therefore your life is OVER. It wasn’t over, you whiney git- you just needed to get out there and make friends. Which, my word, you took your time doing!

An important tip: the weekend before your May exams in first year? Turn down that bet that you can’t drink two pints of Aftershock. Because you really, really can’t. And honestly, when you lay down in the corner of the room weeping like a baby because your mouth was burning from all the alcohol, the night wasn’t going to get any better. And it did not. You will end up in CUH with a bleed to the brain, amnesia and concussion. And never mind the mess that will ensue trying to sort out the actual sitting of your exams. Just. Say. No. But fear not- it is not all woe and misery, billy-no-mates, broken hearted, drunken doom! You are going to have a great time! You are just going to love DTS, even if it seems a bit ridiculous at first. You are going to fall in and out of love so many times- and with the odd surprising female twist…! And you are going to grow up and change so much over the next few years that I barely even recognise you as I am writing this to you. You are going to grow from being a shy, introverted, angst-ridden, terrified teenager, to a gobby and opinionated, activist and campaigner, strong-willed person. And you are going to be really happy with the journey that it takes you to get here.

So stay strong, hang on in there, learn to say no on occasion, and get ready for the most insane few years of your life!

Present Annie

September 4, 2012

08 | Features

The Lonely Student’s Guide to Cork

Deputy Editor Audrey Ellard Walsh dishes the dirt on Cork’s hidden artsy side.

W

elcome to the Rebel City Boi! Cork, European Capital of Culture 2005, has a huge amount to offer the inquisitive tourist and student alike. Shur, didn’t Lonely Planet name it in the top 10 cities to visit in 2010? Since you’re reading the Freshers Issue of the Express hopefully you’ll be here for some time so why not take a little time to really get to know your home away from home.

Throw on a pair of good walking shoes and get out and explore your new city!

Trading since 1788, the English Market is a truly unique place to explore.

Didn’t Lizzie herself take a trip when she was over last year? The Market, which can be accessed by entrances on The Grand Parade, Oliver Plunkett Street and St. Patrick’s Street, houses forty or so traders selling fresh and locally sourced produce at reasonable prices. You can also enjoy a cup of coffee and a look at the Market Gallery and, if you want a real Cork experience, you can even pick up some tripe and drisheen from the butchers.

I hear it’s a local delicacy...

Not only that, but many of the stalls provide student discounts if you ask for them so you have no excuse not to pick up some freshly baked bread or organic fruit and veg to supplement your Tesco Value diet.

The Crawford Art Gallery on Emmet Place is another local icon and well worth a look if you have some time to spare. The building, which is the old Custom House, has famously housed a permanent collection of Greco-Roman and Neo-Clas-

sical sculpture casts since 1825. It currently boasts a collection of around 1,500 paintings sculptures, prints and other works of art. The gallery is open from 10am to 5pm Monday to Saturday with late opening until 8pm on Thursdays and admission is free.

river? There is more to the North Side than the Neptune Stadium (the basketball arena that you will inevitably sit some end of year exams in).

Arguably the most famous landmark in the city is St. Anne’s Church, Shandon.

Affectionately known as the “Four Faced Liar” due to its

Iron Age up to the modern day and the importance of the butter trade to Cork especially through the Cork Butter Exchange in the 1700’s which was the biggest butter market in the world.

The museum is open daily from 10am to 5pm and student entry is €3. Hurry up if

The Triskel Arts Centre on Tobin Street hosts a wide variety of eclectic and artsy things to see and do. Celebrating its 30th anniversary in 2008, the centre has undergone a reinvention, taking over the 18th Century Christchurch building and launching a designed for purpose complex in 2010. The venue is home to a theatre and art gallery-come-cinema-come- workshop space and live music venue. You can admire some art, watch some foreign films, take a class, browse for some vinyl in Plugd records or just drink a coffee in the beautiful surrounds.

Since you’ve now taken a stroll down “Pana” why not take the leap and cross the

four clock faces telling different times, “Shandon” has looked out over Cork since the tower was erected in 1722. Built from two types of stone- red sandstone and limestone- according to my thorough research (ie Wikipedia) it is from the colours of the walls that Cork adopted its red and white banner.

If you visit the church you can actually climb inside the tower and ring the bells.

After making the hike up Shandon Street you ought to make the most of the local curiosities. You can visit Cork’s very own butter museum- yes, butter museum.

It’s genuinely quite an interesting visit, examining the development of the dairy industry in Ireland from the

you want to visit though, as it closes until March for the winter season at the end of October!

If you have a significant gap in your timetable and are feeling a bit adventurous- and trusting of the local transport- then why not venture outside the city bounds and discover what the suburbs have to boast? There are some great spots a bit further afield.

The Blackrock Castle Observatory is located a short trip on the 202 away and offers something of interest for history nerds, scientists and foodies alike. A research facility for CIT by night, the castle is also a multi faceted tourist experience by day with an all-ages exhibition

on the Universe and origins of life to tours on the history of this 16th century outpost.

Opening hours are 10am to 5pm Sunday to Friday or 11am to 5pm Saturdays and Holidays. A self-guided tour of the Cosmos will set you back a mere €4 at the student rate. Included in your ticket price you can also avail of a behind the scenes tour of the remains of Blackrock Castle 1.30 and 3.30 at weekends and bank holidays. Note that tours fill up fast so get there early if you’re interested.

Just 8 minutes from the City Centre on the train, you can take a trip to Fota Wildlife Park, Cork’s answer to the Serengeti (on a good day). Unlike an average zoo, the animals in Fota are allowed to roam as freely as possible which makes for a unique visiting experience. When I was about 6 a Peacock chased me there. It was traumatising... The park opens from 10am Monday to Saturday and 10.30 on Sundays with last entry 5pm each day. Student entry is €9 or €7.50 in a group of 20 or more. So bring a hoodie, buy an ice-cream and enjoy a day at the zoo!

There are many more spots off the beaten track in this beautiful city and surrounds.

My best advice to you is to just get out there and have a nose around. To save your feet, Bus Eireann offer Day Saver tickets for €4.60 which allows as many uses as possible on all city bus routes if you want to explore. Best of all, most locations offer student discounts so you can proudly whip out your newly acquired UCC student card and save a few bob while getting cultured, like.

September 4, 2012

Features | 09

The UCC Express Guide to … Nightlife In Cork. Obviously.

Kevin O’Neill

Editor-In-Chief

T

he Fresher’s Week antics have been catered lovingly and carefully by the Student’s Union (enjoy that one, residents of College Road), but beyond the confines of the campus, discovering the places to go and see in a new city can be a little daunting. Fear not, the Express has got you covered…

An Bróg: Cork’s most famous haunt, the Bróg will be packed out the door no matter what day or time you show up. I can only assume that 90% of this is related to the permanence of Cork’s finest bouncer, Steve, though it has a few other things going for it too. The Pub Quiz will drive you absolutely insane until you realise that it’s not what you know, it’s how good you are at hiding your iPhone that determines who will come out on top, while this year has seen the advent of Beer Pong, though seasoned performers may find it’s a little tame for their standards. It captures the blend between radio friendly indie rock, cheap (in both taste and cost) beer and a multicultural crowd (seriously – you want to pick up an American girl, go to the Bróg!) As such, nights out will invariably end up here six days a week.

Preachers: The Washington St. haunt is a favourite of many. A little on the small side, get in early if there is a match on as the atmosphere will be absolutely electric. It is that most magical of places – a sports and indie rock bar.

It’s the kind of thing you can only dream of…

Suas: The venue for every girly party between the ages of 18 and 21, the brilliant minds behind Suas took their cues from Sex and the City but didn’t see the flaw in making a establishing a rooftop bar in Ireland. Rooftop.

Ireland. You can already see what I’m getting at… However, a selection of cocktails and student offers, central location and a (usually) decent soundtrack keeps the crowd coming, even if you do get a pint of Murphy’s served in a Coors Light glass from time to time.

missed if you are in the vicinity. It also hosts Beer Pong for the more seasoned players amongst our readership, with a number of the regulars having competed internationally for Ireland.

In all honesty, I didn’t realise you could compete internationally in Beer Pong but it seems you can. That’s surely another Olympic medal in the bag in the future, right?

The Bierhaus: Located on the other side of the river, the Bierhaus offers something completely different from all the aforementioned.

Aside from the fact that it has weekly table quizzes (check), indie music on the stereo (check) and a totally alternative student crowd

Door 51 & the Woolshed: For years, we had to make do with craning our necks over Statler and Waldorf, propped up on a soaking wet bar with a three week old pint of stout, muttering that “in my day, the players stayed on their feet” while our American cousins lauded it up in vast, open bars with wide screen televisions depicting all available forms of sport. No more is this the case as the likes of Door 51 and the Woolshed have erected 52” plasma screens in every corner of the room, allowing you to scrutinise a midweek Conference North game in higher definition than ever before. The latter is an Aussie themed bar that has given a new lease of life to Dyke Parade, while the (check, check and check!), it former sits on the bottom really is worth getting comcorner of Grand Parade. pletely and utterly lost for half an hour while hunting Sober Lane: Just across the for it. The beer selection is bridge and down the road something to behold with from Door 51, the Sober a bevy of international and Lane has made its name for imported stouts, ales, ciders a variety of reasons, a large and lagers that depart from portion of which relates to the typical finds in your lotheir pizza selection. Not cal. If you’re going to find a my first consideration when plum floating in perfume picking a place to spend my served in a top-hat anywhere afternoon / evening / week, in the city… but it’s certainly not to be

Clubbing: I’m already out of my depth on this front but Cork has got your tastes covered if you want to dance, drink and do something you’ll regret. Where would we be without the walk of shame? Many a night has started in Rearden’s, led onto Havana’s and ended up in a pool of vomit in front of Hillbilly’s. At this stage, it’s a Cork tradition.

If that’s not to your taste, you have the options of Cubin’s and the Roxy, while the Bailey has emerged as a strong contender over the last twelve months too.

UCC’s DJ Society has taken up on regular slot here and is worth a visit on any night.

No guide to Cork’s club scene would be com-

plete without mentioning Freakscene. Ireland’s longest running clubnight, it has undergone a host of reinvention throughout its years, the latest twist taking it to the Roxy and back to its preferred Wednesday nights from September onwards.

And finally… You’ve come to Cork, you won’t insult us by not tasting the local beers, right? Ah man, I thought you were cool…

Murphy’s – it’s unavoidable in the city and for very good reasons. You can get a pint of it anywhere, but if you want to really sample it, you’ll have to work for it. Many a stout sceptic has been turned by the wonderfully whimsical atmosphere in the Hi-B Bar on Oliver Plunkett St., a location that brings new understanding to the term “old man bar”. With a soundtrack right out of Fallout 3, and a cast of regulars that look to have endured prohibition, the bar is located in the converted front room of an old apartment above some shops. The entrance is easy to miss, but it’s worth the trip – even just for a look. Let’s put it this way: if this bar appeared in an American film or television show, we’d accuse them of depicting us as a backward, leprechaun dominated society…

If this one is too tricky for you to find, you can take yourself to the Mutton Lane. Again, if you can find it. Tucked away near the top end of Patrick St., it’s the perfect blend of contemporary and, well, dank. And as Lenny Leonard once remarked, “it’s all about the dank”.

Finally, and only because I fear I may be crucified if I leave it out, we have Barrack St. The longest street in Cork, famous for having ten pubs per person (my facts may be a little skewed), is referred to as an entity as you can only truly experience it as one. Check out its establishments one by one if you wish, but nearly any college student or graduate you ask will have a story that is prefaced with “one night, we were on Barrack St…”

10 | Features A is for Academic Mentors.

Or lack thereof. Peer support groups are a great idea, but it’s difficult to take them seriously when you see your assigned mentor being carried out of the Bróg midway through Fresher’s Week, swinging wildly for the bouncer.

B is for the Boole Library.

This is the big building in the middle of campus. Many students believe its main purpose is for ornamental reasons and to house the occasional Egyptian mummy.

You’ll be given the chance to have a complete tour of the library to help you become familiar with the system of borrowing books and where you can book rooms and, of course, study. I would urge you all to consider taking this tour as it will most likely be the longest length of time you spend in the library until the end of year rush before exams. It is also a good resource to borrow DVDs for a long, studious Saturday night in with friends.

B is also for the Bróg. The one last stab at saving a disastrous night out is to suggest a stint in the Bróg. Although often slated, it has been rumoured that occasionally a good night has been had in the place, especially if you don’t mind a cougar or two.

If you have no definite plan for a night out, you will inevitably end up in the Bróg. Get used to it.

September 4, 2012 and still managing a 2:1 E is for Express. Full of hacks, none of which will be seen until ten years down the line when no doubt, half of us will be up in court for the Leveson enquiry 2.0.

F is for Facebook. What you’ll spend most of your college term doing. If you want to perform to your full potential and get things done with relative efficiency, get out now while you still can.

G is for Grades.

Learn bare minimum requirements to pass each year and aspire to that. First class honours are for final year students and insomniacs.

Get used to your colleagues bringing up the topic of the relevancy of Joyce’s writings to the modern reader in the pub, between finishing your fifth pint and ordering a watered down shot of vodka.

Quickly diffuse the situation by switching the conversation to Joyce’s love letters and his position as the foremost corprophiliac in literature.

L is for LGBT, which doubles as a prominent society on campus and a lunch special in the Main on Fridays.

M is for the Main. This is the restaurant found on the right of the Boole Basement. Used as the setting for the school cafeteria in Mean Girls, students are strictly seated according to their social status.

around them, sorry ladies…

The Med students you probably have never spoken to unless you study it too, because they’re just too intelligent to mingle with you common folk. The Engineers who spend hours glued to their books, speaking of the stresses of their course, but never fear, they find the perfect way to distress with a “few quiet N is for “Never again”. Halones” in the evening time. Go lowed words that have ask them what happened to no doubt been uttered the Engineering Society. The by most of the student list goes on; you’ll be familiar body, and most cerwith them all in no time. tainly tied to alcohol related regrets. Re- T is for Tea and coffee. The member to open the poor man’s energy drink window of the taxi expect all the dependency once it’s interior starts issues but without the corospinning. nary heart failure and luminous urine colouration.

O is for the Orb (O Rahilly Building). U is for Uncyclopedia. I orUsed as a founda- der all of you to look the UCC tion for many gaming Uncyclopedia up immediatemazes, UCC’s Orb is ly. If any page has everything the most complex of you absolutely need to know buildings on campus. about UCC, it’s this one. If upon reading the page, you P is for Plagiarism. notice any striking similariLet’s face it, you’re here ties to this, it’s completely coto learn just how much incidental… you can get away with.

Just remember to ac- V is for Vault. Located deep knowledge Wikipedia below the Kane building lays in your list of thanks unknown artefacts such as when you get your nuclear reactors and stolen PhD. treasures from foreign lands.

Scarily, only one of these is a Q is for the Quad. Dejoke. spite all the rumours, the Quad was not built atop W is for Western Gateway an Indian burial ground. Building. The new computer That’s just silly. It is, however, science building that floods fiercely guarded by a dragon in a light drizzle, this is a so watch your step… place you will rarely go to, especially if you’re assigned lecR is for RAG Week. You tures there. probably won’t remember this.

X is for Xylophone. What?

You try coming up with a S is for Stereotypes – The better one!

Arts student who never goes to class or works for a degree Y is for Y can’t I be more witthat will render them com- ty?! pletely underqualified for a Z is for Zoology students. decent future. The tan-tastic Nice bunch of people. (Text Comm girl who puts the jar removed due to violation of of Nutella to good use when H.R. 3261 and UCC GUILDS her usual supply of orange AND SOCIETIES DISCIfoundation runs dry. UCC PLINARY BOARD) guys dressed from head to toe in their Hollister Sunday best, interested only in their reflection or other men

The A to Z of UCC

H is for Housing. The first foray for many into campus life and most likely the first aspect to shatter you preconceived notions of living with like-minded academics and scholars. Expect to be bombarded with new colloquialisms such as banter, shift, feen, banterbus, shades, beours, feeking and twenty other permutations of the word banter. If you ever get tired of your new flat mates babbling on about last night’s banter and late night conquests in Gorby’s that probably never happened you could always make a host of new acquaintances. The organic life form that’s grown out of the two foot high pile of dishes is always a good start.

Entertainment Editors Tracy Nyhan and Jack Broughan provide a comprehensive A-Z of all things UCC.

C is for Converse and Chinos. At this stage you probably should get shopping for UCC’s official uniform. The UCC bug will get you and before long you will be wearing the fashion essentials that promise to have you looking I is for “Intelligent converexactly like everyone else. sation”. Imbued with new enthusiasm for their new inD is for Dependency. tellectual pursuits, your classChances are while deadlines mates and fellow students will heap up the temptation to be at times perhaps overenslip into crippling caffeine thusiastic about their newly dependence will become acquired knowledge. Spirited stronger and stronger. Expect discussion is nearly always long nights rattling out essays a good thing but especialthat stopped making sense ly not during social outings. at about two in the morning

J is for J1’s. A guaranteed cultural experience, exposure to a multitude of cultures jammed into one big former colony. Expect to enjoy new people, customs and getting put on an FBI watch list for doctoring your passport to get into the local dive bar.

K is for “Keeping up with the Kardashians”. As part of your new student lifestyle is the large amount of downtime during the day, in between classes and putting off writing essays. Daytime TV will fill that gap, numbing your brain with shows that are no doubt taped for Al Qaeda cells to illustrate the decline of western civilization.

September 4, 2012

Entertainment | 11

It’s A New Dawn

Tracy Nyhan

Entertainment Editor

L

et me begin by being the millionth person to welcome you to UCC. By the time you read this, you will already have seen bits and pieces of our beautiful campus and soon you will be familiar with it all. As I enter the last year of my degree, I feel a little envious of you all beginning a new chapter here at UCC. I took the first few years of college life for granted,

in particular my debut year as a student, so the next year will undoubtedly be spent trying to rectify that and making the very most of my limited time here.

My biggest tip for every one of you is to make your college experience your own. You will learn so much about yourself, your friends and the people around you who will become your friends in the future. College is a place to build relationships, to increase your skill set, to discover new things about yourself and, most importantly, to learn new things that apply directly to your degree and beyond.

College is a place of change.

As a person, you will change during the time you spend here.

Your interests may change but most certainly they will expand.

You have made one of your very first steps into an independent adulthood so what you do in your three, four, five or more

years here will stand to you in future. So get out there - meet new people, join societies and clubs, make new friends, do what you want to do.

To echo the advice of countless people in times past, present and future to come, one of the most rewarding and lasting things you can do in university is to make new friends. UCC boasts a student population of around 18,000 people and that can be daunting. On the bright side though, you will surely come across someone who shares similar interests and who knows, you may just get along famously.

Again, echoing past advice, the best way to make new friendships is to get out and get involved. Join societies, join clubs, write for your college publications. When I began college I never considered being a part of student journalism here at UCC, but within a month of the college term, I began submitting content to this very

publication as a staff writer. In the past few years, not only have I learned more about my own interests, I have learned more about stuff in general. I have met countless people who have made an impact on me in so many different ways. Through my involvement in the Express, I have been fortunate enough to meet some of the most intelligent and creative people I have ever come across, who have come into my life and tweaked it for the better in many ways. I have made friendships that will hopefully continue throughout my adulthood.

Equally as important, though, is the fact that I am simply doing what I love to do. College life can be challenging at the best of times, but if you are doing what you love to do, life can be seem a hell of a lot kinder – even as you find yourself buried under a list of pending projects and assignments.

So for those of you who love to write, be it regularly or occa-

Best and worst albums of the summer

is immediate but avoids the usual punk cliché’s Deputy Entertainment Editor Jack Broughan looks over some of the of crude but shocking statements. Craver skirts best and worst releases of the summer around images of boredom and lives devoid of Ty Segall – Slaughterhouse sounds that his fan base know just too good to ignore. Hailing direction and purpose. The efFirst up is Ty Segall’s first and love him for. Despite this, from the same scene as Copen- fect is spinning a lyrical theme release with his backing band: Slaughterhouse is most definite- hagen’s Iceage, Lower released that is nearly sounds cliché, to The Ty Segall band. With a back ly a return to original form. The their debut EP in July on Escho sound absolutely vital. catalogue that rivals most prog record opens up with “Death” a records. Part of what seems to In short, Walk on Heads is rock outfits, Ty Segal is quickly track with an intro smothered be a burgeoning punk scene in hands down the best record I’ve becoming one today’s most pro- in swirling guitar feedback that Copenhagen, Lower comprise heard in months. Lean, fast and lific figures in garage rock. With sounds close to the opening of of members that have knocked above all articulate, Walk on a myriad of records spread out the Birthday Party’s “Friend about with members of Iceage Heads may be incredibly short amongst a number of different Catcher”. From the first verse and Girlseeker in previous but what Lower manage to cram bands and solo endeavours re- of “Death” Segall’s stooges com- bands. Despite being from the into a short EP dwarfs what spectively Ty Segal is in a way parisons begin to make a whole same city, Lower most definite- most bands struggle to fill an alslightly daunting to dip into, the lot more sense. Fast paced, sim- ly do not live in the shadow of bum with. only real persistent reference ple and heavy as hell “Death” is Iceage’s new found popularity. point in his music is a penchant simple as it is enjoyable.

Channelling bands like Minor The Smashing Pumpkins – for stripped down and fast guitar Small touches like the liberal threat and Black Flag Walk on Oceania music. Slaughterhouse is then use of echo on Segal’s voice on Heads is as stark and immediate The Smashing Pumpkins are perhaps one of Segal’s most ac- the title track give weight to the but also executed with preci- a band that occupies a special cessible works but bizarrely one feeling that the album is above sion. The EP’s opener “Craver” nook in my heart. Like most of Segal’s closest steps towards a all one big fun experiment. Fre- is dominated by guitar feed- people my age and probably concept album as mentioned in quently in between songs chat- back but driven by a pounding people much older than me, a recent interview with Exclaim ter from the band can be heard. rhythm section. The drums dive they were my first dip into guitar magazine.

As innocuous as this may seem, the song with menacing rolls music. A herald of much bigger Describing in his own words it really gives the album a live and embellished by the disso- and better bands that I would Slaughterhouse as “evil space feel or at least a feeling that no nant bursts of guitar. What real- find by track through various rock” by way of “Stooges meets too much thought has been in- ly stand out are Toubro’s vocals, interviews and liner notes, the Hawkwind or Sabbath” the no- vested in the recording. ragged and strained he sounds, band still made a mark. tion of a concept album begins above all else, completely honAfter the age of sixteen I to make a bit more sense. In re- Lower –Walk on Heads EP est. His vocal delivery is sim- never really dipped back into cent years Segal’s music, particI’m probably stretching the ple, words shouted as quickly the pumpkins music, presumularly on his solo records has be- remit of this article with the in- as possible and with as much ing that their output without come more nuanced and less to clusion of Lower but the band’s sincerity as can be conveyed D’arcy and James Iha wouldn’t do with the chaotic garage rock debut release Walk on Heads is through audio. Lyrically Toubro live up to the most favoured of

sionally, you can find your niche of interest within this newspaper. The writing team here at the Express is not a closed group or a clique. We are a group of very different personalities who are linked by a shared love of writing, journalism and story-telling. We always welcome anyone who wants to write or get involved in any way throughout the entire year. You can find contact details for section editors on the inside cover of the newspaper and we would love to hear from you. So what are you waiting for? Get in touch!

Finally (as you have undoubtedly heard before), your few years here will fly. Before you know it you’ll be anticipating your graduation and hopefully beginning your chosen career.

Don’t take your years here for granted. Make the very most of them – and that includes showing up for your Friday morning nine a.m. lecture.

their work. With Oceania however I was interested in how the band would sound without Jimmy Chamberlin. It’s difficult to imagine how the band would work without the iconic drummer, the rhythmic anchor of the band and a more active member than Iha or D’arcy. In short, it sounds about as awful as you’d expect.

From its beginnings, the album sounds like a diluted version of the band at their best.

Chamberlin is noticeable in his absence, the subtle but powerful hallmark of his drumming is missed. This, in conjunction with the lacklustre tone of the opening track sets the blueprint for the album as a whole. Much of Oceania sounds like it would be heard on a drive time radio slot, squeezed in between Coldplay and choice Keane singles.

Perhaps it’s that The Smashing Pumpkins are essentially Corgan’s solo outlet or perhaps Corgan really has lost the ability to write a handful of good tracks.

What is clear is that Oceania is best left avoided. If Zeitgeist wasn’t enough to ward off even the bleariest eyed, rose tinted glasses wearing Pumpkins fans, Oceania most definitely will.

12 | Film & TV

The swing of things Acceptable in the 80s Chris Redmond compares The Dark Knight Rises to its predecessors... and finds it really doesn’t matter.

L

ast August I wrote an article in anticipation of The Dark Knight Rises, so now feels like an appropriate time to reflect on the most hyped movie of recent memory. Brass tacks - did I enjoy it? Yes, immensely. Did it live up to the hype? You bet it did.

Was it as good as The Dark Knight...? Pointless question!

Reviews of Christopher Nolan’s “legend-ender” have been overwhelmingly positive. The Rotten Tomatoes consensus, based on 274 reviews, lauds it as “an ambitious, thoughtful and potent action film”, but concludes by saying that it “doesn’t quite meet the high standard set by its predecessor”. Why should we care if it doesn’t? Obviously, The Dark Knight was a phenomenal movie - it had frenetic action, colourful and complex characters, stirring music and breath-taking visuals. How on earth could anyone have expected this to be outdone?

Many sequels fall into the trap of trying to outdo their predecessor - Michael Bay’s ridiculously overblown Bad Boys 2 springs painfully to mind - but Nolan is too smart for that. Following on from the traumatic events of the last outing, it was inevitable that this film was going to have more introspective periods. After all, Bruce Wayne’s childhood sweetheart was killed by The Joker, and his alter ego, Batman, took the rap for Harvey Dent’s terrible crimes. Oh, and he fell off a 30-foot building in the process. Nolan was quoted recently, saying that Batman Begins is a film about fear, The Dark Knight a film about chaos, and The Dark Knight Rises a film about pain. It would have been pointless to have just replicated The Dark Knight. Nolan has a story to tell here. The same cannot be said for the Michael Bays of

this world.

Instead of a deranged agent of chaos like The Joker, with Bane we have a decidedly more methodical villain; psychotic, but in a Hannibal Lecter sort of way. He is the opposite of The Joker, and that is so important. There was talk of The Riddler joining the franchise, but The Riddler and The Joker are too alike, and The Joker could not be improved upon anyway. Bane is also frightening, but his methods are more scientific, and he is a physical behemoth. Consequently, we are able to forget about The Joker and concentrate on the story at hand.

There were some complaints about the pacing of the film – it took too long to get going, they said. Well, then we should blame The Dark Knight! People loved The Dark Knight because of the relentless action that pushed its characters to the brink. In a seamless trilogy like this, we should expect consequences! If you almost plunge to your death while becoming the city’s most hated man, it’s going to take a bit of time, as Alfred says, “to get back in the swing of things”. Of course, when we are back in the swing of things, the action and tension are ferocious, with plenty of political allegory and moral ambiguity thrown into the mix. The impact of these sequences is augmented by some of the trilogy’s most heartfelt moments. The result is a battering ram of emotions and an ending that genuinely surprises and certainly doesn’t disappoint.

The Dark Knight Rises may not be as instantly, effortlessly enjoyable as The Dark Knight, but again, why should we care? Nolan has stayed true to his vision, and has concluded his epic story with courage, conviction, and the technique of a grandmaster. I am okay with that!

September 4, 2012

TV & Film Editor Kellie Morrissey recommends a television classic (and modern cult classic) in the Golden Girls.

I

t’s probably before your time, Freshers, but you may know The Golden Girls through your mom, through various hilarious parodies, or through the recent deaths of three of its four main cast members (and through the internet superstardom of Betty White – the only surviving Golden Girl).

it’s the actresses that really drive the show, inhabiting those big personalities, blowing them out when the script requires sniping that no other woman would stand from her friend (see above quote) and pulling them closer when issues which face middle-aged ladies come to the fore – sleeping with a man after

If you don’t, it’s a sitcom that follows the lives of four middle-aged to elderly ladies who are living their ‘golden years’ sharing a house in Miami, and today it’s most usually aired on various dodgy channels at spurious hours of the night (and early morning). I had memories of the show as being cheesy, good for background viewing while scribbling articles/essays in the dead of night, and so when I revisited the show in earnest earlier this summer I was more than surprised to find that the show that I had been referring to offhand as the cheesiest of cheesy 80s comedies was actually often wickedly funny, and hardly PG. BLANCHE: My sister has turned into a deceitful old woman whose only pleasure is in hurting people! No offense, Sophia.

SOPHIA: None taken... slut.

In its heyday, Golden Girls reached over 21 million viewers and won numerous Emmy Awards, including two for Outstanding Comedy Series. Aside from the script,

the death of your husband, facing your ex-husband after years of separation, estrangement from your children and the toll ageing takes on both health and looks.

DOROTHY: No honey, you passed out... Remember that New Year’s Eve, when you drank three margaritas and thought you were an animated broom in Fantasia?

It’s strange how such intimate scenes can arise from characters which are often little more than caricatures – Rose (Betty White - the stupid one), Dorothy (Bea Arthur - the smart one), Sophia (Estelle Getty - the acerbic, most elderly one and Dorothy’s mother) rent rooms in Blanche’s (Rue McClanahan the slutty one) house. There’s little setup beyond that – all the women hold down steady jobs, socialise and date (as they are divorced/widowed).

What’s most refreshing, even now, is that they have sex – even now, almost 30 years later, middle-aged women having sex is treated as a novelty or as the butt of a joke. Here,

they just do it, and if it’s funny, it’s because of extenuating circumstances.

ROSE: Is it possible to love two men at one time?

BLANCHE: I don’t know, set the scene. Have we been drinking?

Downsides? There are some. It can get a little bit preachy – early episodes can sometimes centre on issues such as rebellious teenagers (and how to deal with them), homosexuality and illegal immigration (!). All fine and dandy but the 20 minute format of the show is most restrictive here, and it can be hard to swallow Blanche’s latest dating mishap when two minutes later we’re combating moral and ethical quandaries about race and racism. These date the show – as does the setting, and the clothes – though we’ve almost come full-circle and granny-chic is in again.

(Rose is testing anti-fog glasses, she sticks her head in the freezer...)

DOROTHY: Rose, leave the glasses inside, and come over here!

ROSE: How will I know if they fog up or not?

DOROTHY: We’ll ask the little man who turns the light on and off if they do.

ROSE: Dorothy, don’t joke about the little man, you know he scares me!

Overall, however, The Golden Girls, cheesy theme tune in tow, remains remarkably fresh and very funny – I’ve heard countless times how ‘women can’t be funny’ and though I’m a pretty hardcore feminist at heart, I’m often dismayed at what little is on offer by female comedians and scriptwriters nowadays.

Here is a show by women, starring women, but most definitely not solely for women. Give it a chance.

September 4, 2012

So bad, it’s good

‘Withnail and I’ grows on you, writes Abdullah Morshed.

T

his type of topic is always subject to an individual’s opinion. Everyone has their own tastes. However, a lot of people agree that The Room (of Tommy Wiseau fame) is one of those defining ‘so bad. it’s good’ movies. I really don’t agree. That movie is just bad. I don’t find it funny for how bad it is either. Tommy Wiseau is a creep. I felt uneasy in all those bad (and only bad) ways watching that movie.

‘Withnail and I’ (Bruce Robinson), however, is a movie that is ‘so bad, it’s good’. Here’s a movie I’ve watched sober, while ‘in Amsterdam’, drunk, while sick and on meds once, and each

and every time I’ve loved it.

Except for the first time I saw it. I didn’t laugh that much. I was relieved when it ended.

I thought ‘what the hell was that?’ And then I thought more about it and I knew that I was an idiot for not laughing while watching the movie.

What’s the plot driving this movie? There isn’t one, not really; just the vague odour of one. ‘Two struggling actors go on holiday’. Except these men (named Withnail and ‘I’) aren’t so much actors out of luck as they are alcoholics that happen to be actors; and it’s less a holiday and more a case of ‘drinking somewhere else’. Sure, this does pretty much sum up the entire movie and that’s no solid plot by

Film & TV | 13 any standard. But that’s the beauty of the movie. It is insidious.

I had to watch this movie a second time so I could make up my mind on it. I knew it was bad; there was the distinct lack of any real plot, the setting got me down, and the characters were too pedantic to enjoy. Initially. Yes, the movie should be bad for all these reasons. But it’s not.

The characters are so far removed from regular, that I want to watch them. Even if I’m terrified that quite reasonably I could become just like them I still want to laugh at (not with) them. I still want to watch this movie.

I can’t quite express why I don’t hate Withnail and I. I know it should be awful, it really should. But somehow there’s a big part of me that is glad that this movie was made, that it isn’t bad, that

As crazy as they come

me. I ate his liver with some fava beans and a John Murphy remembers some of cinema’s most nice Chianti”. He’s charismatic, intelligent, sodespicable characters. phisticated, and a cannibal (well, three out of ou gotta love a good out of control: she rationalises villain. Not only do Paul’s imprisonment as ‘show- four ain’t bad). Hannibal isn’t they get the best lines ing him the way’ and claims barbaric enough to eat human in films, but, more often that she loves him – the most flesh raw; no, he cooks it as a than not, they are the most thought-provoking characters. Like the light to the darkness, to every hero there’s a villain who wants to rain on their parade, be it with fire, chaos, death, or destruction.

The villains who feature here are some of the greats; they steal the spotlight by just being downright crazy. Spoilers ahoy!

Annie Wilkes — Misery: “I’m your number one fan”.

This dirty birdy puts Beliebers and Twihards to shame Clockwise from top left: Patrick Bateman, Hannibal and wins the prize for fan of Lecter, The Joker, Annie Wilkes. the century. Her maternal instincts and benign face mask unnerving instance as she delicacy with the expertise of her psychosis, but from the adoringly gazes at him after a gourmet. Though neither outset of the film there’s a sin- the oogie ‘hobbling’. Though the psychologists nor the auister undertone to her char- she isn’t the sharpest of cock- dience fully understand Hanacter. She lives through Paul’s adoodies in movie history, she nibal’s every nuance, what is Misery books, identifying is certainly one of the most certain is that only thing he likes more than human flesh her life with that of the titular formidable.

Dr Hannibal Lecter — The is playing with a person’s character (and also naming Silence of the Lambs: “A cen- mind. Hannibal is infamous her pet sow after Misery). We witness her obsession spiral sus taker once tried to test enough in movie history to be

Y

I have seen it. This movie is so charming. Watching the two characters interact, I always get this warm feeling of ‘what the hell’ that leaves me uneasy - but in a good way.

I know why I shouldn’t like this movie, of course, but it doesn’t matter because I do like this movie.

One thing that I can definitely say I love about this movie is the drinking game that was made up to go along with it. It’s pretty simple but I won’t get into it because

I’ve never tried it. After a lot of looking around online I came to the conclusion that, like all those people in the forums claimed, it would give you alcohol poisoning, which sounds like a challenge, to be honest. So, you know what?

Perhaps it’s that which I love most about the movie; that entire sense that ‘I know this is bad for me, but I’m having too good a time to turn it off.’

amongst the innermost circle of villains, and probably possesses more finesse than the other members combined.

Patrick Bateman — American Psycho: “I have to return some video tapes”. To appreciate the complexity and intelligence of both the character and film, American Psycho deserves to be seen more than once. Narcissism intensified by consumer culture is one of the more prevalent aspects to Bateman in Mary Harron’s adaptation; a perfectly groomed and tasteful appearance is his façade in ‘normal’ society, with insatiable ego and greed that becomes manifest in his stylising of sex, the selection of the table he sits at in the best restaurants – everything, right down to the colouring and lettering of his business card. He has got away with killing for so long because he is so meticulous. Norman Bates (Psycho) may have set a standard for cinematic portrayals of psychopaths, but Bateman is something much more (and not just because he’s a despicably creative killer with a great taste in music).

Alex Forrest — Fatal Attraction: “I’m not gonna be

ignored, Dan”. If there ever was a movie that said “yo, don’t have an affair”, it’s Fatal Attraction. Now, Glenn Close was a pretty mean femme fatale as the Marquise de Merteuil in Dangerous Liaisons, but Alex Forrest is a cheating man’s worst possible nightmare. After a brief affair, her need to be with Dan escalates: attempting suicide, persistent phone calls, visiting his office, stalking him, pouring acid on his car, boiling his daughter’s pet rabbit, kidnapping said daughter for a day… all in the name of love.

The Joker — The Dark Knight: “Why so serious?”.

The Joker opens up a new spectrum of insanity. A gleefully psychotic homicidal maniac who can make pencils disappear with artistic flair, he relishes his role as an agent of chaos and anarchy. His origins are a mystery, as are his motives; he has no desire to rule or personal gain; as Alfred puts it “some men just want to watch the world burn.” It is what lies behind the scars that makes the Joker is so fearful: the unknown.

14 | Music

The A-Z of Cork Music

Music Editor Mike McGrath-Bryan has assembled a handy A-Z guide to bands, artists, venues, people, blogs and shops for gig-goers and musicians alike.

W

elcome (back) to University/adulthood/waiting out the recession. Part of the experience in any university, whether you’re new or local, is, of course, getting out and into the city, expanding your horizons and enjoying some music.

A - Albert Twomey. Anyone on the hunt for records in Cork City will know this man very well. The face of Plugd Records, Albert boasts an encyclopaedic knowledge of Irish and international independent music and labels, with a vast wealth experience stemming from his days with the A.M.C. and Out on a Limb Records in Limerick, as well as the Ping Pong collective/ nightclub here in Cork. On the other hand, though, he supports Spurs...

B – Brains. Black metal and blues aren’t necessarily the readiest of bedfellows surely?

Not in the wonderful, demented mind of Karol Lapot, brainfather of Cork outfit Brains.

C - Cyprus Avenue. An award-winning venue that has played host to countless major touring Irish and international acts over the past decade and beyond, Cyprus Avenue has been the epicentre of Cork’s live music scene. Perched above the Old Oak on Caroline St., its autumn season features hot tickets like Boris, Every Time I Die, Mono, Buck 65, Fozzy and more.

D - Drop-d. Cork-based webzine focused on all things Irish and independent. Regular streaming music, playlists from Irish music heads of note, news, reviews, interviews and more.

E – Elk. Carrigaline’s favourite heavy-pop sons, Elk, have been on the comeback trail after a few years off. Debut album We Should Start Our Own Gang earned them a legion of devoted followers, a hail of saccharine laser-synths, jagged pop guitar and Matt Hedigan’s commanding barked melodies. Some seven years later, it’s still a big fave, and the follow-up is finally due on Out on a Limb this winter.

F – Freakscene. Ireland’s longest-running indie/alternative night continues unabated

into its nineteenth year of dancing like no-one’s watching and not having any particular dress code. DJs Alan Fadd and Emmett spin classic and contemporary indie, while Jenny Glitt mans the decks for classic soul, swing and “ironic” pop in the other room..

G - The G-Man. Gary Meyler, host of the Cork Music Show on Cork Community Radio, he also runs the G-Man music blog, a staunch support for independent music in the city and beyond, with a gravitation towards folk and the generally sonically pretty.

H - Hope is Noise. If one band embodies Cork music’s pioneer spirit and endless vitality, it is veteran rockers Hope is Noise.

Drawing influence from bands as eclectic as At the Drive-In, Hot Snakes and Husker Du, the band’s incendiary music simply gets into those cracks and crevasses in your conscious and moves you.

I - I’ll Eat Your Face. The two bowld Barries are a double-dreamboat tag team of can-crushing, tight-tearing, life-destroying, party-ready supergrind, fashioned from the bleakest, most stupid and therefore most hilarious facets of existence.

J - Jonathan Deasy. At the fringes of Cork music lies a fertile and busy noise, drone and sound art community dedicated to exploring the artform’s outer reaches, dissecting musicality and rearranging for the joy of experimentation. At its vanguard is UCC graduate Jonathan Deasy, who in the past few years has gone from bass in My Remorse to bandleader of the revolving Mersk Collective, an improv drone troupe at the heart of Cork noise, and its sideprojects.

K - Kaught at the Kampus. A slice of Cork music history still discussed with hushed tones by those who were there to witness its impact, Kaught at the Kampus was the first release on former UCC Ents officer Elvera Butler’s Reekus Records (later guilty of foisting The Frames on the world), one that captured

September 4, 2012 Cork’s DIY post-punk explosion at source, live at various Live Music Society nights at the Arcadia Ballroom (you guessed it, now a block of student flats).

The initial incarnation of Microdisney, Mean Features, Urban Blitz and Five Go Down to the Sea? are showcased to stunning effect here, and it’s well worth tracking down, regardless of your genre politics or stance on Cork music.

L – Lamp. After Cork alt-rockers Jezery called it an indefinite break, Ted and Shane went jamming as a duo, eventually emerging with a fully-fledged prog sound that was scarily developed and angular for a twopiece. Sporadic live activity followed a split CD released with I’ll Eat Your Face in 2009, but the two lads rallied around the recording and release of their debut album, Sagittarius in 2011.

M - Mark McAvoy. Former UCC Express Music Ed, whose tome Cork Rock, covering Cork rock history from the 1950s to the mid-2000s, should be mandatory reading for all new arrivals at venues around the city.

Unmissable.

N - North Side Drive. Jonathan Pearson plays drums and sings in Former Monarchs, a raucous post-rock/math/pop outfit. His side-hustle is far removed fromhis classic roots.

Melding post-rock and restrained riffing with classical compositional dynamics and beautiful, aching-heart strings, North Side Drive adds a touch of sophistication and substance to Cork’s live output.

O - O’Callaghan, Ian. Those in the know probably saw this coming, but the fact is no-one loves this town and its music more than the man they call Mini. Jokingly referred to as “Cork Music” (usually by his bandmates), a hint of truth lies underneath the bro humour: the man flahs himself in the name of Cork music. Don’t believe us?

Try his simultaneous duties with Slugbait, Fat Actress, Terriers, Dolph Lundgren’s Party Dungeon and guest bits with other bands. Or his hand in the local live scene as one of the Very Short Men, or helping organise the bus to the Siege of Limerick.

Simply put: Mini IS Cork music.

P - PLUGD Records. The centre around which Cork music revolves, PLUGD Records

is the city’s remaining independent record shop. Far from bigger chain-stores’ multimedia homogeneity and booming chart hits, PLUGD sits upstairs in the Triskel Arts Centre on Tobin St., and sells fine independent music from a vast array of labels and distributors, on vinyl (the majority of their stock), CD & cassette, as well as books, ‘zines, record cleaner, and local band/designer T-shirts.

Q - The Quad. A sadly-defunct venue, having closed last year, the Quad on Tuckey St. served as the centre of Cork’s indigenous music scene, with any number of scarily-intriguing shows booked by Darragh McGrath over the years there, among their number Wormrot, Rolo Tomassi, Adebisi Shank and many, more. You’ll be lying about having gone there in a few years.

R - [r]evolution of a sun.

Another set of Cork veterans that have lasted the test of time, hardcore six-piece [r]evolution of a sun are among the most important bands in Cork history, whose ever-revolving roster of members throughout the years reads like a who’s who of Cork hardcore and metal musicians.

The music reflects this, a bitterly crushing hybrid of crust, hardcore and sludge metal that deals with the state of humanity and modernity.

S – Slugbait. Screamo messers supreme, this five-piece, containing members of Elk, Fat Actress, Terriers and Hope is Noise, took a tired and stale genre and welded it to their own off-kilter sense of humour, with double-dirty vocals and gratuitous amounts of cheesy fret-tapping and lyrics teeming with running jokes. Not that any of this detracts from the frankly quality pop/metal songsmithery on display.

T - Terror Pop. Beginning life in 2010 as pop-shoegaze underdogs Agitate the Gravel, it was clear from early on that their potential and ability was to outgrow their whip-smart pop chops. Relentless live outings fashioned their considerable stagecraft, and a wider palate of influences, slowing their tempo and moving into snake-hipped, swaggering rock ‘n’ roll-inflected indie, led to a change in name and M.O. U - UCC 98.3 FM. Support your own, folks, the former

Cork Campus Radio is your platform to go and produce shows and podcasts, and from breakfast chatter to sports; from deep and funky electro to progressive metal, UCC 98.3FM has you covered.

V - Vicky Langan. Described as the “queen bee of Irish noise”, the Cork-based Galwegian certainly can stake a claim to that throne, functioning as sound artist, promoter/auteur and visual artist. A trail-blazing advocate of the avant-garde.

W - We Are Noise. Another feather in the cap of Cork music media, We Are Noise, run by Michael Carr and Barrytron, features reviews, news, interviews, photos and playlists throughout the week, as well as competitions and hot recommendations from PLUGD staff too.

X - Ex-Venues. Unfortunately, the recession has claimed its fair share of victims in business, and local venues, reporting diminished houses and declining bar incomes, have been no exception. Alongside the closure of the Quad as mentioned above, 2012 has already seen the demise of former metal stronghold An Cruiscin Lan, indie/ alternative hangout An Realt Dearg and short-lived folk haunt Bourbon St. Are we out of the woods? Not by a country mile. But things change, and the return of Nancy’s and the Triskel, and shops like Crowley’s and PLUGD functioning as instore venues has aided the cause to no end.

Y - Yorda, Saint. Alright, so we’re cheating, but we couldn’t go without mentioning the venerable Saint Yorda, much-fancied and hotly-tipped purveyors of post-punk-inflected, minimalist, almost mechanical surf-pop. EP Some Songs We Recorded With Cathal was a massive hit.

Z - Zeppelin’s, Fred. A favourite venue in Cork for both locals and DIY touring acts, Fredz has been an important centre of heavy and left-of-centre music since opening in 1998. A gritty, old-school rock pub downstairs (showing matches and such) and a venue that has seen the gamut of metal, punk, hardcore, blues, singer-songwriters and electronica upstairs, Fredz is a much-underestimated stop for live music and nights on the lash.

September 4, 2012

Music | 15

rep as Ireland’s The Richter Collective: 2008-2012 their forward-thinking indie

Music Editor Mike McGrath-Bryan examines the impact of label.

A veritable Ellis IsIrish record label, The Richter Collective, on Ireland’s indeland of talent, bands pendent music scene.

W

ith the closure of Irish indie icon The Richter Collective impending, the legacy and appeal of this fiercely DIY institution bears explanation and consideration.

Irish independent music has been buoyant and in a state of celebration during the past few years and rightfully so. No matter what the genre, it seems every city and town has fresh and exciting practitioners of their art, and its profile has surged rapidly thanks to a fervently busy blogosphere. Much of the work in the advancement of independent music since 2008 has been down to the work of the Richter Collective out of Dublin, either directly or as an inspiration and

an example that the indie label model could work wonders here on our little island.

If you’re reading this, you obviously have some clue as to what we’re discussing. If not, however, needless to say, without Mick Roe and Barry Lennon working together after their own labels shared many split releases, on everything from press and blogs to distribution, their own bands, math-pop heroes Adebisi Shank and punk poets Hands Up Who Wants to Die, might not have found their way out of the Irish underground and into the hearts and minds they occupy at home and afar.

But it’s the truly magnificent roster it accrued in four short years that has given the Richters

Fang Island – Major Steve Hunt

L

et’s not mince words here. You probably know what you’re getting yourself in for when you throw on a Fang Island record and if you hold out hope for a drastic digression from the well forged path then you are most likely in for a sore disappointment.

Following on from the eponymous debut and 2008’s ultra lo-fi mini album The Day of The Great Leap, Fang Island’s Major delivers on its title. Major riffs, major harmonised guitar parts and major uplifting chords. Generally, this is an album impenetrable to terrible wordplay that does all its talking over eleven barn-storming tracks. Tracks ‘Sisterly’ and ‘Assunder’ (debuted online by the band) and their label Sargent House earlier in the year, are instant standouts only due to their slightly more established online presence in finished album form. However, on repeated listens it becomes apparent that much like Fang Island, this album is another set piece.

A non-stop juggernaut of feel-good riffs that will transform even the drabbest day into an endless summer, a work that while treading an established path also builds strongly upon its foundations in previous releases.

The calibre of song writing and musicianship has increased significantly in the two years since their last album; see the joyously ridiculous ‘Dooney Rock’ and ‘Chompers’ which seems to channel San Dimas High School’s two most excellent alumni. Initially the fact of this step-up seems to slip by imperceptibly. For while each successive song plasters an ever widening grin upon your face, while occasionally putting one in mind of the fact that if the Wyld Stalyns existed, they’d probably share a lot of similarities with these Brooklynites, it is upon repeated listenings that you realise the scale of work and attention to detail put into the songs at hand.

In an album as jam packed as this, with so much bombast and heft, is testament to the class of band Fang Island are fast becoming.

A joy from beginning to end.

For more see fangisland.bandcamp.com RATING: 9/10

both Irish and international, both young and fresh, and established/veteran and accomplished came to the Richters for a collaborative label environment that allowed complete freedom with a structure rivalling that of any sodding major - the science-core squall of BATS wouldn’t have been touched at all by a dying Irish major label hierarchy more concerned with Bressie’s (of RTE’s The Voice) pop leanings of the time. Enemies’ tropical, swaying beats, Jogging’s powerful delivery, The Vinny Club’s quixotic chip tune spiel? Only a label that truly cherished talent and the independent spirit that brought it around in this way, especially in this country, would have done the wonders it did. Yet,

R E V I E W S

they kept bettering themselves, and in 2010 and 2011, were responsible for the release of two Album of the Year candidates in Adebisi’s second album, and And So I Watch You From Afar’s Gangs. As the machine rolled on, Irish post-rock legends The Redneck Manifesto (featuring one Niall Byrne, the man known to the web as Nialler9) experienced a revival through a new album release and reissues through the label.

All of this in four years, before we get to Kidd Blunt, The Continuous Battle of Order, Worrier, Marvin’s Revolt... Not Squares! Squarehead’s surf-pop no-fi joy? Suffice it to say, the Richters’ absence leaves a hole in Irish independent music that will be hard to fill. The lads are moving on up though, taking their place as Sargent House’s men in Europe - an immensely thrilling development in itself.

Will this unstoppable machine

help legitimise the Irish underground further? Time will tell, but for now, it is time to be proud of what has been done.

Cloudkicker – Fade Mike McGrath-Bryan

O

h, Ben Sharp, somehow you keep managing to top yourself. The Ohio native has, in the past seven years, under the guises of B.M. Sharp, and the infinitely more familiar Cloudkicker, fashioned an ever-evolving niche for himself, encompassing technical and progressive metal, ambience, shoegaze, alternative rock and experiments in dynamics and sound art, winning over a legion of fans from his bedroom studio. 2010’s ]]][[[ and Beacons covered soaring post-rock and crushing technical bruisery respectively, creating a feverish buzz about him that led to the creation of 2011’s Let Yourself Be Huge, a lesson in acoustic and electric ambience that developed Sharp’s brooding desires for peaceful soundscapes. It seems that with Fade, Sharp has arrived at full circle; reconciling his new-found love of ease and calm with technical prowess and taxing timings. It’s a beautiful thing.

The soaring, sonorous ‘From the Balcony’ makes a definitive statement, immediately as relaxed yet more distinct than ever, a downbeat yet subtly heart-stopping dichotomy. The triumph and joyous, almost fanfare-esque riffage of ‘The Focus’ is a joy, giving way to the considerably more stern Seattle, a winding ten-minuteplus odyssey through Sharp’s building dynamics and experimental, wailing feedback. ‘Garage Show’, while tragically short, is a chasing, jazzy maze of a song, briskly running its pace in breath-taking fashion into digital discord. ‘L.A. After Rain’ drenches in delay, but eschews any U2 buggery for a snappy, functional piece of sunny post-rock, while ‘Making Will Mad’ dives into the opposite end of the spectrum, somehow feeling melancholic, yet hopeful. All of these themes, threads and sonic diversions tie up in stunning fashion in album-closer, ‘Our Crazy Night’: a beautiful, eight-minute exploration.

The move from solo work to the beginnings of a band has perhaps expedited the evolution of Cloudkicker, but on this album in particular, those left turns are tighter; that balance is just finer, and the whole album represents another major step forward for a band that may finally transcend its place in the world as an American businessman’s escape.

RATING: 8/10

September 4, 2012

16 | Arts and Literature

Fifty Shades of Grey, Greyer, Greyest

Cork Gallery and Art Centre Guide

Arts and Literature Editor Julie Daunt tried to find some redeeming features in the literary catastrophe that is ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’

There’s no excuse not to explore the vast amount of culture on your doorstep, thanks to advice from Arts and Literature Editor Julie Daunt.

T

his number one bestselling novel of the summer has been selling faster than any of the books from J.K Rowling’s Harry Potter series and has sparked numerous debates on social networks and forums. You would have to be living in a remote cave deep in the Himalayas not to have heard the hype surrounding this, the first in a trilogy of erotica fan-fiction novels. This book originally began life as an e-book and was spawned from Stephenie Meyer’s Twilight series (which initially turned me against the whole trilogy). While this book might not win any Pulitzer prizes, and is condemned by critics for holding very little literary merit, it has still managed to sweep the nation, with talks of the trilogy being made into film.

What has made this book so popular? I jumped on the bandwagon, and tried to find out for myself.

For those of you who are fortunate not to have heard the plot of this not-so-charming tale, I will give you a brief summary. The first book introduces us to the main protagonists, Bella Swan and Edward Cullen Anastasia Steele and Christian Grey. Anastasia, or Ana as she prefers to be called, is in her final year in college and about to sit her degree exams. Her friend Kate is an editor for the college paper, and has arranged an interview with Christian Grey, a super successful and “dreamy” CEO of a vast corporation in Seattle. However, Kate gets a cold, and sends Ana to interview him instead, and so commences the usual cliché of guy meets girl and instantly falls in love. However, the twist is that Mr Tall, Dark and Handsome isn’t dark.

He’s ginger. Oh, and he’s got a penchant for BDSM (for those of you who are also fortunate not to know what BDSM stands for, then you really shouldn’t read this book).

There are both negative and positive points to this trilogy.

On the critical side, James often repeats phrases and expressions such as “oh my” and “a ghost of a smile”. Her heroine Ana comes across as unbelievably naive and

annoying. Christian is tolerable despite his controlling nature.

The plot only develops from the second book, Fifty Shades Darker, if it developed at all. A few stories are introduced, but are never fully realised or elaborated. The trilogy does not end particularly well, appearing as if James reached a writer’s block and needed to end the book in haste. She opts for the clichéd “fast forward a year or two” ending, which does little to redeem the series’ lack of literary innovation.

The positive attributes are that the two or three plot lines in Fifty Shades Darker and in the third book, Fifty Shades Freed, are reasons to read this saga. While they could have been better, they still have the reader turning the pages right until the end. Despite Christian’s negative personality traits and characteristics on paper, as a reader you cannot help but like him, in spite of James’ repetitive descriptions of how he is “devilishly handsome and brooding”.

Overall, with these books being created off the back of Stephenie Meyer’s success, they remind me of a spin off series from a soap opera. Think “Hollyoaks in the City” or something to that effect. This is the standard of these books. It is an easy read, with a few twisting and turning plot lines, but will never go down in history as a literary great.

Read a good book yourself?

Want to share your opinions?

Don’t just sit there keeping them to yourself, put pen to paper and submit your thoughts to the Express! Email your reviews and articles to arts@express.ie

D

o you have an interest in the latest and upcoming artists, the renaissance or antiquity? Whether you like painting, film, photography, dance or theatre, Cork city is a thriving hub of the arts.

This is a short guide and summary of some of the most prominent galleries and art centres in the city. So if you have a passion for art, or are just looking for something different and new to do, here are a few venues that may interest you.

1. The Lewis Glucksman Gallery Located right on campus, this is perhaps one of my favourite galleries in Cork City. Exhibitions vary from German contemporary art to Celtic manuscripts. The gallery itself is an award winning design, and complements the exhibitions which take place. In between lectures, or whenever I find myself with time to spare (or avoiding an essay or assignment!), the Glucksman is the perfect place to lose yourselves, or distract yourself with something innovative and interesting (there’s also a lovely cafe downstairs that I would highly recommend!). Overall, if you ever find yourself at a loose end around campus, call into the Glucksman and experience something new.

The current exhibition is entitled Motion Capture: Drawing and the Moving Image, and was curated by Matt Packer and Ed Krcma, a lecturer from the college’s School of History of Art. The exhibition explores the relationship between drawing and other media such as film, photography and video, and includes the works of Matisse, Tacita Dean and William Kentridge. The exhibition runs from now until November 4th.

2. The Crawford Gallery Perhaps the most famous gallery in Cork, the Crawford is situated near the Cork Opera House. With a mixture of permanent collections such as replica Antique statues and eighteenth and nineteenth century Irish art, the gallery also boasts a large temporary exhibition space that has hosted the more modern works from the likes of Pablo Picasso and Doro-

thy Cross. The gallery is housed in the former Custom House of Cork, with the gallery being one of the oldest in Cork, having been established nearly two hundred years ago. It is a must see for any art lover and another firm favourite of mine.

The gallery currently hosts an exhibition entitled Sean Keating: Contemporary Contexts, which commemorates the works of Sean Keating, as well as displaying his pieces alongside other Irish artists such as Jack B Yeats and Sir John Lavery. The exhibition is a fusion of modern techniques with an underlying political current and is curated

by Emer O’ Connor, sister to the singer Sinead O’ Connor. The exhibition runs from now until October 27th.

3. The Triskel Arts Centre Combining the visual arts, film, theatre, music and even literature, the Triskel Arts centre is another progressive Cork exhibition space. The centre often shows screenings of contemporary and independent films as well as theatre productions as part of the Theatre Development Centre. After recent renovations, the centre has now become a prominent feature of Cork’s arts scene and is definitely worth a visit.

This arts centre is currently preparing for the Cork International Short Story Festival which will run from the 19th September until the 23rd, where there will be readings and public interviews with authors.

4. Camden Palace Hotel Don’t let the name deceive you, this g a l l e r y, which was founded in 2009, is another quirky location across the river Lee that’s definitely worth a look.

Exhibiting films, such as

the Banksy 2010 mockumentary ‘Exit Through the Gift Shop’, Camden Palace also hosts dance, theatre and visual arts events. They also host various workshops if you want to get involved yourself. During this summer, Camden Palace held a body painting event and broke the record for most bodies painted, with more than three hundred people taking part.

5. The Lavit Gallery Found on Father Matthew Street, this is Cork’s longest established gallery. Occupying two floors, this gallery exhibits traditional Irish and latest contemporary works as well as craft and other media. Established artists are typically found on the ground floor, with the upper showcasing the newest and upcoming talent.

Downstairs, the gallery is currently exhibiting the best of Irish craft in The Lavit Craft Collection, including crafts such as ceramics, porcelain jewellery, wood, silk and glass.

Meanwhile, upstairs sees the Large Group Exhibition, which showcases painting and sculpture created by more Irish artists.

6. White Street Car Park (a.k.a Graffiti Car Park) This may not be a gallery or art centre, but is definitely worth a visit. In August 2010, this car park saw the likes of American graffitists Cope 2 and Solo 1 gracing these sprayed walls with their works. For anyone interested in Graffiti or street art, this is the place to visit.

September 4, 2012

How to Incorporate Gaming into Your New Life

Gaming | 17

Childhood days are over but Gaming Editor Fergal Carroll offers his tips on how to adapt to college life – with gaming still firmly intact.

S

o you’ve been playing games for as long as you can remember, you can’t really imagine life without them.

Mario and Crash Bandicoot are as synonymous with your childhood as swings and tag but now you are growing up, surely it’s time to move on? You sit there pondering as you take your first steps into college life; “Just how will I continue to game while I’m in college?” I’ll tell you right now that there will probably be a decrease in the amount of game time you get and if there isn’t - what are you doing with yourself?! Get out there!

Your gaming life hasn’t been for nothing though. You have learned a few things along the way as well as picked up a skill or two that will be vital to your success in college but watch out, you’ve picked up a few nasty habits along the way as well.

Thankfully, you gaming guru is here to guide you.

1. FIFA Rulez Bro! I hope you brushed up on your FIFA skillz during the summer. It’s the game of choice for all the bro gamers out there.

“That’s only in America”, I hear you cry out. Nope, I’m sorry to tell you that UCC has its fair share as well. They can usually be found in the Common Room by the Student’s Union knee deep in their umpteenth game of the day. They do need break from all that pool they play after all.

It is time to let go...

2. End ‘That’ Love Affair This one only goes out a few die-hard fans that are still playing the most successful MMO of all time - World of Warcraft players. It is time to let it go.

Learn to stop worrying and love life. You’ve enjoyed your raids in Firelands, Ruby Sanctum and the Black Temple. You

spent hours getting your epic mount and you finally accumulated that last piece of your epic gear but it’s time to move on to bigger things - the biggest, most realistic MMO of all time.

3. Indie No More This one hits close to my heart, as it is where I think gaming is thriving these days.

I’ll just say - you’ve got to forget about all that indie gaming knowledge. You want to fit in with the crowd, not out! If you talk about your gaming knowledge during your first week and tell your new friends about how connected Journey made you feel or when everything just clicked in Fez, these new friends won’t be around for long. (Best guess - you’ll probably find them playing FIFA in the Common Room).

4. Dust Off That Wii...

Okay, this one might not apply to everyone (yeah right!).

You gotta break out the Wii, hear me out now before you go ranting about how it has no decent games and doesn’t even do HD. Two words people - Wii Fit. Let’s face it nerds, you’ve spent your whole life in the dark cave you call your bedroom playing WoW. It is time to get out and socialise, but first you gotta bulk up. The ladies (or the lads for you gamer girls) will love it, I promise. You’re obviously too embarrassed to go to the Mardyke with those puny muscles of yours, so grab your Wii, your balance board and your cherished copy of Wii Fit and get exercising, people!

5. You Lend It, You Lose It I’ve learned this one the tough way. Don’t lend people games and if you do lend Dave from Kilkenny your beloved copy of Persona 3: FES, don’t say I didn’t warn you when you neither see nor hear from him ever again. My copy is going to return home any day now...right Dave? Dave?

6. You Have Learned It, Now Use It You must take what you’ve learned from games and apply

them to college life. Remember Pokemon’s catch phrase “Gotta Catch ‘Em All”? Well, that wasn’t there for any old reason, pal. It was trying to instil you with ambition, a goal to work towards. Take it and catch everything you can in college.

Girls, parties, alcohol.....wut?.... umm....I mean classes, good grades and honours!

7. I’m Freeeeeeee, I’m Freeeeeeee Runnnnnnninnng Everyone in UCC is a big fan of Assassin’s Creed, especially those of us here at the Express.

Coincidentally, there is a big free running culture here on campus. So if you are late for class or if there is somewhere that you need to be, remember; you are Ezio Auditore da Firenze and you WILL make it there

on time.

8. NO! Don’t Use That One! This is a counterpoint to advice I gave earlier. There are some things you have learned from video games that you shouldn’t apply to college life.

Gordon Freeman, Link, Red and Chell might all seem cool in their respective games but in real life nobody likes a silent protagonist. Don’t be that guy sitting quietly in the corner.

room for everyone to enjoy. It’s bound to gain you some bonus points, which is what life is all about really.

10. Looking for Some Fellow Minded Gamers?

Join Netsoc. If I’m being totally honest I debated putting this on the list especially after you got that sweet, sweet sixpack from playing Wii Fit. Realistically speaking, it is still probably too late for you, you might as well admit who you are and join your gaming brethren for some LAN heaven, fanboy debates, tournaments and an all-round Just imagine this is the quad... good time.

9. Don’t Be Hog of War 11. And Finally...

Share the gaming love peoBuy a Vita. I’ve had one for ple. Don’t hog all the gaming months now and I seriously goodness (and your 40” TV) NEED someone to play multiin your bedroom. Bring that player with! badass setup out to the living

You See Me? You Play Me - Week One

Lost touch with all that’s happening in the gaming world? Never fear, Gaming Editor Fergal Carroll has all the news you need to know.

T

his is a small feature that will be appearing in every single issue of your newly beloved student newspaper, The Express. Its main aim will be to tell you of some new, interesting games to play that you might not have heard of, or just the newest, biggest game that you can’t afford NOT to play. I know some gamers out there have the problem of not being able to afford any games. Never fear though, you shall also be catered for. So for the grand unveiling of ‘You See Me? You Play Me’ what exactly should you be checking out?

The Biggie: Ummm....well, this section is off to a bad start already as there isn’t really much going on at the start of September. Unfortunately FIFA 13 doesn’t appear on shelves until the twenty-eighth, a full four days into your college experience. So for the first few weeks of September until college starts I recommend that you brush up on your FIFA and COD skills (Black Ops 2 is just around the corner as well). They will be needed, trust me. They have gotten me out of a tight spot or two.

The Cheapie: If you are looking to save a few pennies but still get your game on I suggest you check out Sound Shapes for the PS3 and PS Vita. A very unique and original music platformer, it features music from the likes of Deadmau5, Beck and Jim Guthrie (of Superbrothers fame). The community made levels have been improving steadily since launch and it will certainly keep your attention in the few moments you have free from your busy new life.

The Freebie: You’re about to start college and begin the life of a poor college student. You spend your money on things you ‘need’ for college such as books, stationery and other necessary college materials but you still want to play games, right? Check out foddy.net for some ‘unique’ games such as QWOP, GIRP and CLOP. If you can complete QWOP properly, then you, sir (or madam), are a gaming God. The Favour: However, if you are feeling charitable why don’t you pick up a copy of LittleBigPlanet Vita? It’s out on the nineteenth. I’ve been in the Beta for the last few months and I’ve made some sweet, sweet levels. You should check them out. Or we could just play some multiplayer together. Nobody ever wants to play with me but you will, right...? Oh you’re busy... next time...okay...

18 | Fashion

September 4, 2012

College Style: Explained

Commuting Survival Guide

Flummoxed by UCC style? Fashion Editor Kieran Murphy is on hand to guide you throughout the year

Worried that you may give up your style for practicality while commuting? Fashion Editor Kieran Murphy gives his top commuting survival tips

W

elcome to UCC and congratulations for surviving the Leaving Certificate and 13 years of the Irish education system. You’re now fully equipped to cram, predict papers and sort of speak Irish however there’s something major that the system has failed to teach you, how to dress yourself for

the real world.

Unless you’re one of those who went to a progressive school, the only thing you learnt about fashion is how to roll up skirts and what trainers can pass off as black shoes. Now you find yourself at an interesting point.

It’s Fresher’s Week and you’ve only cobbled together enough clothes to last about two days. An impending session in the New Bar looms on the horizon – fear not, your friendly neighbourhood student paper is here to help you navigate your way through the perils of UCC fashion.

Depending on which course you enter, it’s quite easy to fall into several fashion faux-pas that the UCC student body can’t seem to let go. While it’s 2012, many people are so involved in their 90’s nostalgia that they come into college in tracksuits. Shamefully, most have not been checking out the Mardyke gym beforehand. It may have been slick to wear a matching Adidas tracksuit and bottom for your communion, but unless you’re Sporty Spice it’s something to avoid.

A social life is high on any student’s agenda but while you may be

more used to discos in your local parish hall let one thing be clear, Cubin’s will not be wanting for black shoes tonight. While wearing a pair of nice black shoes may seem the most obvious way to dress up your pair of Levi’s for a night out, it’ll really just make you an easy target in the annual ‘spotthe-culchie’ competition.

Hopefully a night out in Cubin’s won’t be the highlight of your social calender and for a change you might find yourself dancing up a storm at a ball in, where else, but the Rochestown Park Hotel.

For the ladies this may seem like a chance to get some wear out of your €400 debs dress but with the multitude of boutiques and high street shops in Cork City why not treat yourself to something special to get drunk in? Same goes for guys: while you could get away with borrowing your dad’s suit for the Debs it just won’t cut it for a ball in UCC, let alone anything else, so why not get yourself down to the Gentleman’s Quarter and pair up with a friend to buy two suits for €300? It’ll pay for itself when the time comes for that special interview in McDonald’s.

College is the place that will shape your character, make or break your career and define the majority of your style for the rest of your life so it’s important to avoid bad habits now before you’re facing the first day of your job and all you have in your closet is three years’ worth of Canterbury tracksuits and Hollister hoodies. So remember the Boole library is your catwalk and just try and keep yourself together by the time exams come around in May.

T

here’s a clear divide among students in UCC and no I’m not talking about between the staff and students, or even between the Student Union and the rest of the student body, but more between those who commute and those who do not.

It’s easy to tell who is a commuter and who isn’t. Are they swanning into a lecture theatre right on time without a hair out of place and just a pen and notebook in tow? Well they’re a non-commuter and just had to walk across from Daybreak to make a lecture. However if a student comes in 10 minutes late with a heavy North Face jacket, a day’s worth of food and a 2 litre bottle of water to hydrate them for the walk from the train station to campus, well then you’ve got a commuter.

Is there anyway to stop commuting killing your style you wonder? It’s one of those awful catch 22s. You could bring your bulky rain jacket and be faced with 24 degree sunshine, or else chance leaving it at home and walk into the student centre looking like you just came out of a wet t-shirt contest. Luckily, there are ways around it and you’ll never have to walk into a lecture theatre looking like a Tallafornia reject again.

First of all is to take advantage of the free lockers in the Kane building basement, an essential item for any commuting student. Here you can keep a spare changes of clothes, deodorant (just in case) and, I suppose, pens and notepads for your studies. To get a locker bring in a lock with you, attach it to any vacant one and head down to the General Services Office to claim it.

Another key to surviving the commute is to become an expert in lay

ering. It may seem practical to invest in a heavy jacket that will keep the rain and wind out but it will also keep the heat in meaning you’ll be stuck in your own personal sauna on the bus to UCC. Investing in a light but rain proof trench coat will allow you to head to college in style while not taking up more than your fair share of space on the bus, but make sure to stay away from cotton or fleece fabrics until the winter comes.

Sweating is one of those subjects that seem to be left behind in the problem pages of teenage magazines but is something that affects most if not every commuter. Prevention is ideal but unless you have the money to inject botox into your armpits it’s time to invest in a good antiperspirant. Sure Men or Right Guard will set you free from stinking up the ORB. Nothing is worse than having your stylish full fringe stuck to your forehead with sweat so if you find that your brow is dripping after an excursion it would be best to invest in

some dry shampoo. Batiste brand dry shampoo can’t be beaten and is the easiest way to refresh your hair after a hard day’s commuting or a lazy morning.

Commuting is sadly the only option for many college students now but with these simple tips you can be sure to give anyone a run for their money in the style stakes.

September 4, 2012

Advertising | 19

Fancy a FREE Taxi?

If you book your Taxi the Smart Way on our Smartphone App and if our Free Taxi turns up...

.....Y ou Don’T PAY!!

‘The Smart Taxi Company’

20 | New Corker

September 4, 2012

A Touch of Madness

Ruth Lawlor

H

e was sitting in a classroom when it all started to go downhill. The heat was oppressive that May afternoon: he felt a stream of moisture on his brow and thought to himself that he was almost like a sticky pudding, melting away. Somewhere in the distance a lawnmower prowled; through the window he could hear its faint hum. The light played on his mind; it danced in shapes upon his pen and illuminated the golden hair of the girl sitting in front of him.

As she rolled her shoulders back he caught the briefest glimpse of her honey-toned skin, and in a second was far away in a graphic sexual fantasy involving an apple pie and the president of the United States.

Fireworks exploded in every part of his body--even the ones you weren’t supposed to talk about in class.

Suddenly, he landed with a jolt in his seat once more and grudgingly came back to reality. The teacher’s voice was like a drone in his brain. How wearisome life was, the boy thought--a waste of time.

It was only a throwaway comment that changed it all.

The teacher was chuckling in that superior way that teachers learned in teacher school, and the young boy felt a stab of annoyance. He sighed, thinking that he really ought to go into teaching. Nice, solid job.

“Of course we couldn’t possibly divide by zero,” the teacher said. “So instead we

must accept the other answer…”

There it was: the scorpion sting that pinched him suddenly, the electricity that ran unexpectedly through him. What a curious notion.

He was surprised that he had never thought to ask before.

Why exactly was it that one could not divide by zero? It was, indeed, a puzzle. Slowly, as though his muscles were acting of their own accord, he felt his hand rising into the air.

The teacher was bored.

He wiped the sweat from his brow. He yawned, his shoulders slumped. Of course, it was his own fault. Everyone had warned him not to become a teacher. All that work and no credit. Corrections.

Idiotic staff members. And not to mention all the snotty little kids. What a disastrous choice. To top it all off, he had chosen maths as his major subject for some reason.

Maths was every child’s least favourite subject, and he had actually taken on the task of beating it into them—a futile endeavour.

It was then that he saw the hand. It startled him.

Righting himself in haste, he straightened his glasses and looked at the student: nondescript, mousy hair, pale. Come to think of it, the teacher’d never seen the kid before, yet, he could see with excitement that spark in the boy’s eyes, that hunger for knowledge and he desperately seized the moment.

The teacher spurted a name—not his name; but the boy cut across him and asked him to explain this new revelation, this mystery about the number zero. If you could even call it a number. Perhaps it was one of those nonsensical myths, like Pi. Perhaps it was just there. Something that could be ignored. Like God.

The teacher cleared his throat. “See, if one could divide by zero then all of maths would collapse…” He quickly sketched a sum on the blackboard.

X=1 X – 1 = X² - 1 X – 1 = (X + 1)(X – 1) (X – 1) ÷( X – 1) = X + 1 1=X+1 1=1+1 1=2 “But, of course,” the teacher laughed, “this is clearly not possible because if one were able to prove that one was equal to two, why then all maths would be worthless.

All logic non-existent. The laws of science – everything that our world is built on – would disintegrate.”

He looked around, smiling, at the student and was about to explain how the above equation was not at all correct, but it was too late. The boy had disappeared.

In actual fact, he was not gone but rather he had jumped out the window.

Three storeys up, but it didn’t matter because suddenly no rules existed, suddenly anything was possible. One was two and two was one.

He was flying now, floating towards the ground. As his feet touched earth he urged the sky to darken and it did, for time did not exist in this world. He walked tentatively forward and felt water softly lapping against his feet. Deeper now, he waded up to his waist but didn’t feel the cold. Then the water receded and he was standing in a busy street. The ground began to tremble, heaving to one side and then to the other. He hardly registered the cars that drove through the air like puppets on invisible strings, or the people who walked backwards, speaking in foreign tongues. He was spinning, as the earth began falling from its position in

space. All around him the buildings collapsed into dust.

He closed his eyes and heard the words over and over in his mind, as though they had been branded into his brain. All of maths would collapse…everything our world is built on would disintegrate…”

Breathing heavily, he felt a heat that he could not explain. It engulfed his body and blacked out.

He awoke and saw a hand.

The fingers curled almost imperceptibly, like the tired petals of a plant. Slowly he became aware that the hand was attached to an arm, and then – strangely – that the arm was, in fact, attached to a body. His own body.

He blinked several times, confused, and twisted in his seat to gauge his surroundings. A classroom. He remembered now. It had all started in a classroom.

The teacher was looking at him expectantly, and as if in a trance he heard himself speak. His own voice startled him; his body was functioning, independent of his mind.

The voice in his head was be-

ing ignored. Quite frustrating. What was that voice? The imagination?

The teacher began to speak: “You see, if one could divide by zero then all of maths would collapse…” He began to scribble on the blackboard and a strange sense of déjà vu flooded the young boy’s mind. Anything is possible.

The teacher was proud of his little equation. Proving that one was two! Impossible, of course, but such an interesting puzzle for the children.

He looked eagerly towards the boy to see his reaction and, startled, heard the unexpectedly cacophonous sound of breaking glass. He glanced to window just in time to watch the boy jump from the building.

He peered over the ledge, observed curiously the body of his student lying on the pavement below, blood seeping from his skull. His lifeless eyes, still open, revealed an agonising sense of betrayal.

The teacher stroked his chin and turned again towards the blackboard. He really ought to explain it better next time.

Tonight Eternity’s An Open Door Nikesh Chopra A thousand bubbles amass in my chest As I divulge a pressing secret With unsurity, to two I love so dear Then they burst throughout my body In their technicolour glory And are shot from my lead-heavy chest With machine gun propulsion And ignite the room with pure elation As my deepest dread is proven null Again.

September 4, 2012

Photos | 21

Students at the 2012 Science Ball. Photo: Siobhán O’Connell

PsychSoc Puppies On Campus event as part of Mental Health Awareness week. Photo: Aoife Corcoran

Suicide Awareness Lantern Launch November 2011. Photo: Aoife Corcoran

Daft Funk at the 2011 Fresher’s Ball. Photo: UCC Students’ Union

Avengers Assemble! Societies’ Guild 2012-2013. Photo: Emmet Curtin

UCC MedRen Society’s Battle of The Flags in February. Photo: Aoife Corcoran

Labour’s Eamon Gilmore on a visit to UCC in March.

Photo: Siobhán O’Connell

September 4, 2012

22 | Sport

to compete on a level Armstrong’s elimination the worst possible result for cycling erations playing field without the use of

Stephen Barry Sports Editor

A

s I write this article, the news has just broken that Lance Armstrong, formerly the greatest Tour de France cyclist of all-time, will have his career from the 1st of August 1998 onwards stricken from the records and be banned for life from professional sport.

This all coming after he declined to fight the US Anti-Doping Association’s charges of not only using blood transfusions, EPO, testosterone and other drugs to fuel his seven consecutive Tour victories, but also for trafficking and administering drugs and encouraging and covering up doping.

In short, Armstrong, who never shirked previous battles or litigations to secure his legacy, is conceding by implication that he cheated.

Instead Armstrong’s decision

has been to cut his losses, to avoid all of the evidence coming out, to avoid having to testify and to vehemently deny cheating behind his philanthropic shield. Like all former cheats he will plead innocence from his crumbling pedestal.

Normally such retrospective bans are good news stories for their sports, deterring athletes from doping even through currently undetectable means and encouraging fans to believe in their current sporting heroes.

On the contrary Armstrong’s case may well do cycling more long-term harm than good.

Armstrong held a vice grip on cycling from 1999 to 2005, on average winning each Tour by 5 minutes and 40 seconds.

His backstory of a glorious return from severe testicular cancer was compelling. He became cycling’s iconic personality after the Festina affair. He aggressively attacked any journalist

or cyclist that questioned him, effectively ruining Christophe Bassons cycling career in 1999.

The UCI, cycling’s governing body, accepted his excuses for a failed drugs test and covered it up. The era after the Festina years would be the Armstrong era.

In this respect, removing Armstrong from cycling’s history will leave a massive gap in the story and records of cycling, leaving a huge question for the UCI (who were conspicuous in their absence from Armstrong’s downfall) whether to declare almost a decade of Tour maillot jaunes void or to upgrade the runners-up, à la Oscar Pereiro (for Floyd Landis) and Andy Schleck (for Alberto Contador).

However the problem here is that Armstrong emerged on top of an era dominated by dopers.

Everyone was forced to cheat to be able to compete. He has been constantly investigated because

he was at the head of the field, but now a peloton of fellow cheaters stand to benefit.

Jan Ullrich was retrospectively banned from 2005 onwards only last February, but stands to gain a hat trick of Tour titles. Ivan Basso, banned after the Puerto case, Andreas Kloden, alleged to have had a blood transfusion, Joseba Beloki, implicated in Puerto, and Alex Zulle, an EPO using Festina member, all could be handed yellow jerseys. In any given year, you’d have to go a good way down the top 10 in the general classification to find a cyclist without well-founded doping allegations or convictions against them. The precedent was set after Landis and Contador but public opinion would never forget if it if that precedent was applied here.

Travis Tygart, who led the case against Armstrong, said that “it is a reassuring reminder that there is hope for future gen-

Fitzgibbon stars battle to make championship impact Stephen Barry Sports Editor

W

hen UCC won the Centenary Fitzgibbon Cup last March in the Mardyke, they did it as the favourites but without perhaps as bright a galaxy of established inter-county stars as other colleges had.

Finalists CIT had All-Ireland winner Colin Fennelly and a host of Cork starters in their midst, while UL had Celtic Cross recipients Paddy Stapleton and Padraig Maher as well as current finalists Cyril Donnellan and Johnny Coen. LIT had a young player of the year in Joe Canning, while UCD had a pair with Noel McGrath and Liam Rushe.

At the time UCC had three recognised regulars from the previous year’s championship, with Dara Fives, Pauric Mahony (both Waterford) and William Egan (Cork) starting every game for their counties. Brian O’Sullivan missed out on the business end of Waterford’s season through injury and Jamie Nagle and Shane Bourke both made brief appearances for Cork and Tipperary respectively.

However UCC possessed a breadth of talent, not alone at Fitzgibbon but also at Fresher level, which has led to the emergence of a number of UCC students onto the public consciousness.

Conor Lehane proved to be the sensation of the league, marking his first competitive outing of the year by scoring seven points against Waterford.

In that game Lehane showed some of the skills that would become almost trademarks of his play for the rest of the summer –anticipation and touch under the breaking ball, intelligent support running and crisp striking off of both sides.

For Waterford the Mahony brothers, Philip and Pauric, and Dara Fives all seemed on course to secure championship berths before injury hit the latter duo and they missed out on their championship opener.

Cork’s disastrous showing in the ten-minute league final and narrow loss to Tipperary, gave them a qualifier run in which to give fringe players another chance to stake a claim for a starting berth. Daniel Kearney scored from the bench against both Tipp (on his debut) and

Offaly, while another debutant Stephen Moylan impressed in the final minutes against the Faithful County.

Meanwhile Cork’s defensive uncertainty saw Damien Cahalane handed his championship debut for the Wexford game, lining out alongside William Egan whose run of starts only continued after a late wrist injury to Christopher Joyce.

Tipperary’s march through the front door continued with Shane Bourke goaling to finish off the Mahony’s and Waterford who went on to be knocked out at the hands of Cork. That day Cork never had more than one UCC student on the field with Kearney making an excellent start as they opened up an early lead, before being substituted.

Darren McCarthy and Killian Murphy still await their debuts despite sitting on the bench that day. On the other hand Pauric Mahony led Waterford’s scoring with three points from play.

Despite representatives in both semis, there would be no UCC presence in the final. Lehane struggled to make an impact on his return for Cork, with Moylan and Kearney called on to try to rescue the game. Similarly

Bourke was called on for Tipperary just as Kilkenny were beginning to take their semi by the scruff of the neck and struggled with the poor service.

Like the hurlers, it was a year of getting more game time and gaining experience for the majority, but excluding Kerry duo S h an e Enright and Peter C r ow l e y who exited the league with starting positions in the Kingdom line-up.

Cork’s league hat-trick stemmed from their superior strength and depth, with members of last year’s Sigerson semi-finalists Jamie O’Sullivan, Eoin O’Mahony, Barry O’Driscoll and Mark Collins (who also represented Munster in the Railway Cup) featuring at times.

By the time these two giants of Munster met, Enright had been removed for Marc Ó Sé but Johnny Buckley made an impact after his half-time in-

performance-enhancing drugs.”

However, while the deterrent is now in place, future generations will likely look away from cycling as a sport to be pursued. Its modern iconic figure has been removed, its record book torn up, its flagship event tarnished.

Children will surely aspire for greatness in cleaner sports.

Had the case gone to a hearing, cycling may have been fully purged of its sins, but now we may never know the full depth of the cover up. How deep did it run in the peloton in the most recent decade? How ignorant or indeed complicit were the UCI? In times past, the catching of Ben Johnson and Marion Jones or of Barry Bonds and Mark McGwire were good news stories for sports that didn’t have all their eggs in the one basket; but for the basket-case sport of cycling, Armstrong’s case may be the final nail in the coffin of relevance... Death by an overdose of drug users. troduction in Kerry’s five point defeat. O’Driscoll and Collins went on to come off the bench again as Cork took their second piece of silverware against Clare.

In Connacht, it was a largely forgettable year for Roscommon but Niall Daly did star in

Roscommon’s run to an All-Ireland U21 final and championship win against Armagh.

Enright won his place back for Kerry with Crowley losing out as a part of Jack O’Connor’s defensive re-jig, but their championship ended against Donegal, who also put an end to Cork’s aspirations.

However, Cork also have a camogie All-Ireland to look forward to with Katríona Mackey’s 1-2 helping them shock Galway and Joanne Casey also featuring. Cork and Kerry are also still in contention in the ladies football championship.

September 4, 2012

Summer soccer success for UCC Stephen Barry Sports Editor

F

or most college students the month of May is a month reserved solely for academic pursuits, where our night-lives are traded in for nights spent cramming in the fishbowl. However, as the sportspeople in the exam halls around campus last May knew all too well, their usual nightlives of training and gym work would have to be accommodated side-by-side with their academic enterprise. After all, while there are repeats for a bad exam, there is no such allowance for a poor showing on the playing field or no second chance to represent your country at international level.

Indeed, for UCC’s senior soccer team, May brought about the culmination of their year’s worth of endeavour which was rewarded with the MSL Division 1 league and cup double in their final 180 minutes of the season.

Having entered the penultimate game of the season a win ahead of Carrigaline United, the charging Carrig’ beat the students on their home patch to give them a flimsy 3 goal advantage on top of the table, all the more fragile due to a trip to unbeaten home-birds Fermoy.

The college needed only a draw to secure promotion but as they blew past mid-table Cobh Wanderers, promotion was secured and silverware became a real possibility. In the end a win by five goals without reply meant that Carrig’ not only needed a simultaneous victory, but one which retained their goals advantage. In the end they got neither, and to add salt to the wound of missing out on league glory, Fermoy notched an injury time winner to force a 3-way play-off from which they emerged promoted ahead of Bandon and Carrig’.

UCC’s Freshers suffered their own agony through a 4-3 extra time loss to Everton United for the John Hayes Trophy, but for the Seniors it was nothing but glory as the Pop Keller Cup followed the league title with a first-half Shane Geasley brace and second-half defensive exhibition against a determined Youghal United with an extra

man, Paul Lawless having been sent to the line.

The Senior GAA teams were unable to maintain their recent success as they both exited the county championships long before the prizes are handed out.

The footballers, who captured the Andy Scannell Cup, last October, were out of the running to retain the same trophy only 6 months later, as they were surprised by Duhallow, 2-10 to 1-9.

Perhaps UCC’s greater title shout, the Fitzgibbon winning hurlers met a similar end to their quest. Their conquerors, Avondhu, trailed by seven early on in what looked like a routine victory, but had achieved an eleven-point turnaround by the final whistle. A pair of goals set it up for an exciting climax before Avondhu added a string of points for a 3-15 to 0-20 shock.

The Men’s Hockey team, fresh from their cup success, had plenty at stake too as they entered April and duly wrapped up their place in the Irish Hockey League wildcard play-offs by finishing third in the Munster first division. UCC needed to avoid being the odd team of the three to get one of the pair of spots available for the top-tier of Irish hockey for the first time in the club’s history. However with the odds stacked against them by having to play both Instonians and YMCA in the one May afternoon, they failed to beat either, scoring two and conceding ten.

Meanwhile, the ladies outfit had a less than satisfactory end to their campaign. A narrow loss having led against Lurgan saw them trail the Northerners into last in their IHL pool.

While the hockey team suffered from the extended term, the athletics club saw their members peaking for the major summer meets. Claire Fitzgerald, in the Tralee Harriers singlet, blew away all opposition at the National Senior track and field championships to take gold in both the shot putt and the discus exactly two weeks after she had eased to the same double at the U23 championships.

That success and subsequent qualification for the European Team Championships came on the back of victory in all four events she had entered at the track and field intervarsities last

April. UCC’s other representatives chipped in with a further six medals including gold in the 110m hurdles for Edmund O’Halloran.

Returning to the senior nationals, UCC’s Orla Drumm added national outdoor 1500m gold to her indoor title and fellow graduates Brian Murphy and Denis Finnegan sprinted and jumped to 400m and triple jump golds. Drumm also competed at the European Athletics championship in Helsinki this summer, not progressing beyond her heat.

At the World University Golf Championships, held in the Czech Republic last July, Ian O’Rourke was the star performer for Ireland as they took home a team bronze. Indeed O’Rourke played himself into individual medal contention after an even par opening round of 72 saw him tied-28th of the 89 golfers.

Rounds of 65 and 67 in what were at times stormy and humid conditions moved O’Rourke into fourth, only one stroke off of a medal. However while the eventual medallists went low on the final day, O’Rourke lost two shots on his way to a round of 74, to drop to -10 and tied 10th, 5 strokes outside of the medals.

Disappointment at that final round was tempered by the team medal, as O’Rourke’s 74 was one of the counting scores that gave Ireland third (835), ahead of South Korea (838), although only missing out on the silver to Great Britain on the strength of their final day’s scores. In fact, later that month O’Rourke went on to play a role in the Munster Senior Men’s Interprovincial championships win in Royal County Down, picking up three and a half points out of six.

In the U20 Rugby World Cup Niall Scannell captained Ireland to their best ever finish, taking fifth with a win over France and gaining revenge over England who cost them a place in the semi-finals. The quality of this Irish side was emphasised by the fact that they beat the hosts South Africa in their opener before the Baby Boks recovered to go unbeaten for the rest of the tournament and defeat perennial winners New Zealand in the final.

Irish international Alison Miller top-scored for Ireland as

Sport | 23 they placed sixth and secured their place at the 2013 Women’s Rugby World Cup Sevens. Her brace of tries in the victory over the Ukraine secured Ireland’s place in the 16-team tournament only 11 weeks after the Irish Sevens team trained together for the first time, with a view towards qualifying for the next Olympics.

In hockey, Stuart O’Grady was selected for Ireland as they won both the Celtic Cup and the U21 European C Championships.

Olivia Roycraft and Aine Curran took the same trophies in the women’s events, with Roycroft scoring in the European final as Irish underage hockey looks to get back on track.

And finally in rowing, Niall Kenny of UCC RC won the lightweight singles at the National Rowing Championships.

Ed Green, Head Rowing Coach at UCC, will act as manager of the Irish team which will travel to the World Rowing University Championships this September.

UCC offers Olympic opportunities Stephen Barry

I

n spite of all of the excitement at the conclusion of the All-Ireland championships and the beginning of the annual Premier League drama, the Olympic hangover remains. It isn’t that canoe slalom, swimming or BMX will ever eclipse GAA or rugby in our hearts and minds, but I could have become used to weekday afternoons filled by meaningful sporting competition. Still the return to Cork means that there’s suddenly an opportunity to practice all the new and unusual sports that have become my new favourites since August.

Here’s a countdown of the top five Olympic sports available in UCC. Basketball: While Irish people rarely place any store in the NBA finals, they become glued to their screens, not to watch LeBron or Kobe, but to see what they prompt the excitable Timmy ‘Downtown’ McCarthy to exclaim. Of course UCC’s basketball club can’t guarantee that your every basket will be greeted by a roar of “he shakes, he bakes, boom shaka laka.” However it can guarantee top quality coaching, evidenced by former assistance coach Rachel Vanderwal, who played for Team GB in London and continues to base her training in the Mardyke.

Badminton: Are you looking for a club that gets you out of the Big House?

Do you enjoy some mild exertion in between discussing the collection of rents from the local peasants? Well then badminton is the sport for you. To join, simply get down to the Mardyke and sign the club’s solemn covenant to get playing.

(Beach) Volleyball: If Olympic beach volleyball has done anything, it has surely proven that sex sells as the women’s game is overexposed in comparison to the men’s, due to, well, overexposure in the women’s game. In reaction to this, the volleyball club promises to get you hot and sweaty as they endeavour to give you a good service and great ball control while constantly rotating between six positions.

Sailing: For a few peculiar days in early August, Ireland caught sailing fever as Annalise Murphy charged to the head of the Olympic fleet. As it transpired, sailing fever proved to be about as exciting as a good old case of syphilis, with TV coverage that would’ve been livened up by a heavy fog and analysis which was effectively a weather bulletin. So a better participation sport then, eh?

Shooting: Tired of crows stealing your glasses? Sick of gophers taking your golf balls? Maybe you want to own a gun for self-defence purposes, or for the intimidation of people stronger than you?

Well no better place to get your eye in than the UCC gun cl… sorry the closest alternative, the UCC airsoft and paintballing club.

24 | Advertising

September 4, 2012