UCC Express Vol. 20 Issue 3

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UCCExpress.ie | Volume 20 | Issue 03 | October 18th Tuesday

UCC Dominate MUN Page 3 - News

University College Cork first to win prestigious Irish Times national award two years in a row (Photo credit: Emmet Curtin)

UCC Named Top University in Ireland for Second Year in a Row Ciaran O’Halloran - Deputy News

UCC has become the first University to be named The Sunday Times University of the Year for two consecutive years in the 15-year history of the award. It is the fifth occasion that UCC has been selected for this award, with UCC has enjoying unparalleled success in this competition with unprecedented triumphs in 2003, 2005, 2011 and 2015.

uate unemployment, currently standing at around 4%, and for the proportion of students leaving with high class degrees – firsts or 2:1s – a feat achieved by 70% of students. Furthermore, the University was also declared to have the third best progression rate from first to second year of all higher education institutions nationally — with just a 10% drop out rate. It also had a high proportion of students from disadvantaged backgrounds — 22%.

The Sunday Times Good University Guide provides Ireland’s only league table for colleges, with definitive rankings of all 21 Irish third-level multi-faculty third-level institutions. UCC has seen improvements in these rankings in the past year both for the low level of grad-

According to the Sunday Times, UCC’s success is underpinned by making teaching as much of a priority as research. The University has seen a 15% growth in research funding over the past five years, generating the second highest amount of research income in Ireland per head of

Editor

academic staff (around €128,000). However, the University also has the highest number of academic staff (70%) with a qualification in teaching and learning.

Furthermore, University College Cork is also the first in Ireland to develop an online programme in teaching and learning for staff in higher education.

In the words of Alastair McCall, Editor of The Sunday Times Good University Guide, “UCC has enjoyed unparalleled success in our annual University of the Year award...It is not hard to see why.

The institution prioritises teaching excellence alongside an undoubted research pedigree. At UCC, teaching and research excellence are not either/or options. Students benefit from this on a daily basis, enjoying high-class teaching, graduating

How Do You Like Your Brexit?

Page 7 - Features

Jay Hunter, of OSW

Byline Magazine

NEWS INSIDE TODAY: 2

NEWS

FROM THE EDITOR

05 Budget 2017 Report 03 UCC Run Afoul of IFUT

FEATURES

09 Interview with Aron Bennett 11 Mental Health

Gailege

31 Gaeltachtaí don hOllscoile

BYLINE

15 A Tour of the Crawford Gallery 29 How to Cook the Perfect Pasta

SPORT

39 History of football in Cork 39 International football roundup

EDITORIAL TEAM Editor-in-Chief - Robert O’Sullivan News Editor - Chris McCahill Deputy News Editor - Ciaran O’Halloran Designer - Beth Alexander Features Editor - Mary Collins Deputy Features Editor - Ciara Dinneen Photographer - Emmet Curtin Sports Editor - Dylan O Connell Deputy Sports Editor - Darragh Walsh Eagarthóir Gaeilge - Aoife Nic Gearailt Marketing Executive - Sarah Dunphy Online Editor - Evan Smith Byline Editor - Lauren Mulvihill Byline Associate Editor - Sarah Ryan Fiction Editor - Sophie Mckenzie Gaming Editor - Jonathan Soltan Music Editor - Cailean Coffey Film & Television Editor - Aaron Frahill Fashion Editor - Kenneth Nwaezeigwe Style Editor - Iris Maher Food Editor - Xander Cosgrave Staff Writers: Eoin Doyle Stephen Spillane Laura O’Connor Sarah McInerney Jill Kingston Niamh O’Reilly Méabh McMahon

All In A Fortnight’s Work Robert O’Sullivan, Editor-in-Chief

I’m going to take this opportunity to apologise to my immediate predecessor Brian (who will have graduated from his Masters the day before this comes out - if you actually read this Brian, congrats brother).

All throughout last year I wasn’t

quiet about my gripes with the workload as Designer of the paper, and the pay gap between Designer and Editor. “Ah jesus, I have way more work than you. I mean, I have to work like 3 days (and nights) straight, you only have a few hours!

You lucky bastard!” I’m paraphrasing, of course, but my comments last year were mainly comprised of over-tired grumbles and a blur of caffeine-fuelled ramblings, so you probably wouldn’t have understood it even if you were there.

So yeah, three full issues into the year, and I’m just now grasping the amount of work that comes with the job as Editor-in-Chief of the UCC Express: managing the jittery jenga tower that is our budget, soliciting advertising from the lovely businesses of Cork (email me if you want to take out an ad), having one of said-advertisers posting a dodgy post on their Facebook page after you’ve taken their money, giving

ISSUE 03 | UCC Express

feedback on an article that may just target you directly and, worst of all: organising staff hoodies.

I’m not even scratching the surface of the work put in. And, I should say, it’s not all done by me; somewhere to the left of my dopey face should be a list of all the Express staff this year: from my wonderful Online Editor Evan, to my Marketing Executive Sarah (who’s also graduating the day before this comes out - congrats Dunphy!) to our resident golden oldie (Stephen) Spillane, these people are the real heroes… ...though I’m willing to bet they get a lot more sleep than I do.

Robert O’Sullivan

FROM THE NEWS EDITOR catastrophic the effects will be, and we’re already seeing some of them: the polar ice caps are melting more and more each year, and most recently we’ve seen the effects of coral bleaching on the great barrier reef: the largest living entity on the planet, visible from space, is dying and isn’t recovering as it should.

Will there be a future?

Editorial Chris McCahill The greatest threat we face today is not any terrorist organisation, it’s not the impact of Brexit, it’s not the upcoming presidential election; the greatest threat we face is global warming. We’ve heard for years now from experts, researchers and scientists of how

We’ve seen massive storms, heatwaves and truly destructive weather in the past, and yet we have no impetus for action. Other “priorities” always seem to take preference over combating global warming and climate change. Yet what people don’t seem to realise is that all those things they prioritise now won’t matter in the future because there probably won’t be one. I’m admittedly a pessimist on the issue: I think politics will be what will doom us a species,

and the planet too. Saving and protecting the environment isn’t seen as important by the clear majority of politicians, as it’s not something that relevant to the next election, or won’t wash well with voters.

I find it very sad, in a way, that our politicians, leaders and the people of our world care more about the money in their pocket, what jobs they can get and so forth, when all of it will make little difference when the planet isn’t habitable. It really does put a lot of our petty problems and concerns in perspective when you take a step back and look at the big picture.

Chris McCahill

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Story Continued from the Front Page... with high-class degrees and going on to get excellent jobs, the name of their University standing them in excellent stead with prospective employers.”

“UCC has enjoyed unparalleled success in our annual University of the Year award” In response to the prestigious announcement, Dr Michael Murphy, incumbent President of UCC, said: “We are delighted to be acknowledged as Sunday Times University of the Year 2017, and particularly by becoming the first institution to retain the distinction. It is recognition,

in my view, that UCC is confident in its understanding of the role of a university, and is clearly committed to discharging that role to very high standards.”

Dr Murphy further praised the university, the staff and the student body, saying “It is recognition, in my view, that UCC is confident in its understanding of the role of a university, and is clearly committed to discharging that role to very high standards. We exist primarily to teach our students, to learn with and from them, and to provide all students and staff with opportunities to grow, to improve continuously, to experi-

ment and to innovate. Key to success for me is the uniqueness of our teaching development programme to ensure the highest teaching quality standards among academic staff. This is matched by a strong research ethos.” Speaking about the students and the philosophy of the university he added “Our students are active citizens of the university and of the city, they are culturally diverse, from all parts of the globe, inclusive of all abilities and disabilities, and yet passionate about their own brand, strongest student image in the country – the ‘skull and crossbones’. We live our strapline ‘a tradition of independent thinking’,

resisting fads and preferring the longer view over transient short-term gain.

Challenge, debate, criticism and contrariness are all welcome; UCC is a real university and a really good one. Thank you for endorsing us.”

“We exist primarily to teach our students, to learn with and from them” The Guide Ranked Trinity College Dublin in second place, while the award for best institute of technology was awarded to DIT, with Athlone Institute of Technology in second place.

UCC Society Wins Big in First Model UN of the Year tioned Head Delegate Rob O’Driscoll, Express Staff Writer Eoin Doyle, and freshers Beth O’Reilly & Caolán McCarthy. With this being the first MUN of the 2016/17 year, and with two proper weeks of MUN events being ran by the Society before making the trip to the Scottish competition, one would be fair in assuming the delegation might not be the most successful. However, this couldn’t be further from the truth, as the Corkonian delegation returned from the land of tartan & battered Mars Bars with 6 individual awards, including three awards for ‘Best Delegate’.

The society now prepares for the next Model United Nations conference, and will hope to emulate if not improve on their successes in St.Andrews. The society will also no doubt be preparing for its own international Model UN competition, ÉireMUN, which will enter its third year of operation in 2017.

If you would like to know more about the International Relations Society, or about how to get involved in Model United Nations in UCC, email ir@ uccsocieties.ie.

Robert O’Sullivan - Editor-in-Chief UCC International Relations Society, UCC’s premiere Model United Nations group, recently attended the St.Andrews Model United Nations Conference in St.Andrews, Scotland. The delegation attended the conference, which began on the 30th September, as it is the first major Model UN conference of the academic year. The conference, which entered its fourth year in 2016, is also known as SaintMUN, and is used by many societies to ‘blood’ new Freshers in competitive collegiate MUN.

The conference was attended by 90 delegates total, split between 6 committees, with those committees being: ECOSOC, the Human Rights Council, the African Union, the Commission on Narcotics and Drugs, Historical Crisis Committee and Ad-Hoc Intelligence Agencies. Speaking to Decorum Delegates, a MUN conference review site, UCC head delegate Rob O’Driscoll was quoted as saying: “A widespread array of topics were on offer. The conference was accessible to beginners as well as experienced delegates.” Topics for the aforementioned committees included the humanitarian crisis in

central Africa, the eradication human trafficking, addressing the threat to national sovereignty caused by development aid, re-defining the relationship between China and Africa, countering threats imposed by the introduction & popularization of designer drugs, the cybersecurity of Five Eyes (an intelligence sharing system between UK, USA, Canada, Australia, and New Zealand), and a historical debate on gang violence in New York in the 1920s.

The UCC delegation featured a mix of seasoned Model UN competitors and fresh faces, including the aforemen-

UCC Awards from St.Andrews Model United Nations Conference: Eoin Doyle- Best Delegate on the Commission for Narcotic Drugs Rob O’Driscoll- Best Delegate on Ad Hoc Lorenzo Neimitz- Outstanding Delegate on Historical Crisis (Italian Cabinet) Beth O’Reilly- Best Delegate on Historical Crisis (Irish Cabinet) Natalie McCafferty- Honourable Mention on African Union Caolán McCarthy- Honourable Mention on ECOSOC

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UCC Urged To Reconsider Employing Teaching Staff On Casual Basis

ly the fall in international rankings, and will inevitably lead to rapid staff turnover and a fall in education standards.

According to the Evening Echo, UCC has denied claims it is operating a policy of casual employment. A spokesperson from the university has said they are simply implementing rigid employment controls that are in place for all third-level universities in Ireland. Mr Jennings called for a reversal of these policies in the third level sector, and spoke of a deliberate effort by management to establish casualisation and low pay for academic staff. Jennings said the policy was “totally unsatisfactory from the perspective of good teaching practice.”

Michelle Beazley - News Writer The Irish Federation of University Teachers (IFUT) has released a charter criticising UCC for their practice of employing research and teaching staff on a casual basis. The charter aims to publicise the widespread problem of casualisation and low pay of academic staff in Irish universities.

The union have claimed that at least one third of academic staff at UCC are employed on a casual basis, meaning more than 200 staff in UCC are affected by the “exploitative” practice. The charter resulted from a meeting called in April by the UCC Branch of the IFUT due to concerns about the extent of the problem in the uni-

versity.

“The union have claimed that at least one third of academic staff at UCC are employed on a casual basis” IFUT general secretary Mike Jennings has described the policy as “extremely demotivating for those involved and indeed for all academic staff. It results in rapid staff turnover, extremely precarious pay and conditions, and is totally unsatisfactory from the perspective of good teaching practice.” Mr Jennings said these “blatant cost-cutting” measures exacerbated other challenges currently faced by Irish universities, name-

The spokesperson said, “UCC continues to prioritise the employment of academic staff and this is evidenced by the fact that there has been a great reduction in levels of administrative staff vis- à-vis academic staff.” They further commented, “In delivering a large and diverse range of courses, it is important that the university maintains flexibility to ensure that the appropriate expertise is available to deliver on all of its programmes.”

Institutes of technology in Ireland however, following political action by the Teacher’s Union of Ireland, have been granted greater career protections such as a decrease in time before obtaining permanency.

NUI Galway Honour Leaving Certificate Excellence

Ciaran O’Halloran - Deputy News Editor

NUI Galway recently celebrated the success of a select group of first-year students with a special ceremony recognising the high points they achieved in their Leaving Certificate examinations. As part of the University’s annual Excellence Scholarships 60 students received €1,500 each.

Each year the Excellence Scholarships are given to new NUI Galway entrants who got a minimum of 560 points in their Leaving Certificate examination, not counting those studying Medicine. For Medical students, a total of 10 Scholarship certificates were awarded based on the combined results in their Leaving Certificate and the HPAT. The Excellence Scholarships were designed by the university as an effort to recognise and reward Leaving Cert success for the highest-achieving students, and encourage their ongoing commitment to academic excellence during their time at NUI Galway. The awards can be held with any other scholarships or grants, including the University’s Postgraduate Scholarships, Mature Student Scholarships, Sports Scholarship Scheme and schemes specific

to individual colleges for those who excel in their University exams.

Speaking at the Awards presentation, NUI Galway President Dr Jim Browne, said: “I am delighted to present the scholarships to these outstanding individuals in recognition of their academic talent. NUI Galway constantly strives to support and promote academic excellence across all disciplines.

Speaking in relation to the nature of the awards, he added “The purpose of these Awards is to encourage each student to develop his/her academic potential to the

fullest, by setting a realistic threshold of excellence and rewarding every student who attains that level. It is also a chance to give due credit to their parents and teachers for their important contribution to such success.”

This year Excellence Scholarships were awarded to students from 43 individual schools throughout Ireland. The winners represented 13 counties including Clare, Cork, Tipperary, as well as students from Dublin, Westmeath. Galway, Kerry, Kildare, Limerick, Mayo, Offaly, Roscommon and Sligo.

Around the Universities: UCD: On the 19th of October UCD will hold an event called “The Patient Voice,” an event to which Cancer researchers from UCD invite patients with & survivors of cancer, provide them with a tour of the facilities and hold discussions about issues relating to cancer from a patient’s perspective TCD: Trinity scientists improve understanding of origins of eczema.

Researchers from Trinity College Dublin’s School of Medicine, University College Cork, University of Dundee and the National Institutes of Health very carefully followed a cohort of patients during their first year of life, regularly sampling their skin microbiome. The infants were part of a longitudinal birth research cohort called the Cork BASELINE Cohort.

Led by Professor of Dermatology, Alan Irvine, in Trinity, the study group could show that Staphylococcus colonisation did not precede development of AD and, surprisingly, several species of staphylococcus appeared to protect against developing AD at 1 year. This is an important new finding in the complex relationship between the microbiome and skin inflammation, suggesting that some related bacteria may be anti-inflammatory or protective against developing eczema.

NUIG: Some female lecturers at NUI Galway have been asked by their managers to work while they are on maternity leave, it has emerged. “It is still the case that female academics, while on maternity leave, are occasionally asked to ‘look after’ postgraduate students,” according to a member of NUIG’s Governing Body. The issue was highlighted at the May meeting of Údarás na hOllscoile, during a discussion on the university’s task force on gender equality.

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Budget 2017 –

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An Overview Ciaran O’Halloran - Deputy News Editor

The first budget of the government of “new politics” was unveiled last week at Leinster House. The budget, containing a €1.3 billion package, weighted at about 3-to-1 between spending increases and taxation cuts, was laid out by Minister for Finance Michael Noonan and Minister for Public Expenditure Paschal Donohoe. It was generally received as a generous budget, with only one tax increase, numerous tax cuts and various increases in benefits. However, with the effects of Brexit on Ireland yet unknown, the success of the budget remains unclear.

Some of the major implementations of Budget 2017 include: The Old Reliables As expected, an extra 50 cent was added to the price of a packet of 20 cigarettes, bringing the average cost to €11. This was the only tax increase in the entire budget, with the excise on alcohol and fuel being unchanged.

Tourism Sector The retention of the special VAT rate at 9% is a welcome measure for the tourism and hospitality sector, a major source of employment for thousands of students nationwide.

Social Welfare There were increases to social welfare payments across the board in the 2017 budget.

Minister Donohue made numerous references in his speech to the creation of a ‘just society’. To this end, social welfare benefits were increased by 5 euro, and the Christmas Bonus was increased to 85% of your weekly payment.

USC The USC has been an unpopular tax (to put it mildly) with workers since its introduction in 2011. In Budget 2017, the three lowest USC rates are being reduced by 0.5%, a move that will please many voters, but a move that will cost the exchequer €335 million in a full year. Minister Noonan says the Government is committed to eventually removing the USC, resources permitting.

Childcare The announcement of an increase in early years funding from €345 to €465 million in 2017 was welcomed by many young families. A new childcare scheme will be set up from September which will provide

subsidies for children going to a Tusla-registered childcare provider.

Housing Few issues have been as prominent in 2016 as the housing and homeless crisis in Ireland. In response, €1.2 billion is to be provided to the Department of Housing to help tackle the current crisis, building 47,000 new social housing units by 2021.

The government aims to provide 20,000 private homes by 2019, with a capital allocation of €50 million for a local housing activation fund. There will be an extra €105 million for the Housing Assistance Payment Scheme and Rent Supplement.

A help-to-buy scheme for first-time buyers was also introduced to help people get on the housing market. The Home Renovation Incentive Scheme is being extended to the end of 2018. The funding available for emergency accommodation for homeless people will be increased by €28 million, to €100 million for 2017. The housing plan, Donohoe said, will see the needs of 21,000 social housing applicants met next year.

Health The Health Department is getting its highest level of government funding to-date in the coming year. Expenditure for the health service will rise by €497 million, to almost €14.6 billion total. In an attempt to alleviate the chronic overcrowding in Irish Hospitals, an additional €15 million is to be made available to the National Treatment Purchase Fund.

Education An increase in spending of €458 million will allow for an extra 2,400 teaching

posts, 900 of which will be resource teachers. Crucially, an extra €36.5 million will be made available for the higher and further education sector next year.

Farming and Rural Development There will be 500 new places on the Rural Social Scheme. The Rural Development Programme funding will rise by €107 million, including €25 million for a new animal welfare scheme. Major construction schemes for Cork and Enniscorthy are planned as part of a €44 million package for flood relief.

Finally, €15 million will be put into the much discussed National Broadband Plan next year.

Justice and Defence The Defence budget will be increased by €16 million to recruit 800 new Gardaí and 500 new civilian staff.

Roads A much needed €319 million has been put aside to improve regional and local roads.

General Taxation Despite the controversy over Apple earlier in the year, Minister Noonan said the corporation tax rate would remain at 12.5% and that “nobody is asking for it to be changed.” DIRT is to be reduced from 41 per cent to 33 per cent by 2020. Sugar tax, much lamented by the soft drinks industry, and much desired by health officials, was also announced. Minister Noonan remarked “It is of utmost importance to me that such a tax is as effective as possible, as fair as possible, and minimises the administrative burden on business… I intend to introduce this tax to coincide with the introduction of its UK counterpart, in April

2018.”

In his opening monologue, Noonan made references to the potential economic impact of Brexit and the requirement for a ‘rainy day’ fund; ”Whatever the final settlement, what we know with certainty is that Brexit has increased risk to the Irish economy, and as well as introducing specific measures to assist particular sectors of the economy, we must also put in place safety nets to protect us against future economic shocks.” €1 billion annually will be set aside by governments, starting in 2019.

The combination of spending increases and tax cuts, especially to families and the elderly, has led many to suspect this is an “election budget.”

Responding to the budget announcements relating to third level education, the Union of Students in Ireland (USI) welcomed the €36.5 million in third level education spending, but emphasised it was €100 million short, as they had recommended spending of €140million in their pre-budget submission. The Budget allocated €4 million to reinstate maintenance grants from September 2017 for disadvantaged postgraduate students. USI welcomed the reintroduction of postgraduate grants, but emphasised that it would only benefit 1,100 students. The Budget allocated an additional €160m in total current funding for third level education over three years, the first significant expansion in Government spending after a decade where such spending was cut by 33%, but USI said it was €200 million short of what the Cassell’s Report identified as necessary.

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Dos and Don’ts : Helping a Friend Experiencing Mental Health Difficulties

as everything else in life, so horribly and unbearably so that you would rather simply lie in bed all day. It exhausts you, causing simple tasks like getting dressed or eating a proper meal to require enormous effort. I’ve heard things like “go fix yourself!” once or twice, but believe me: it won’t do anything but cause the sufferer to feel even more guilt & self-disgust than what they are already feeling. Some sufferers will gain weight, and might stop making an effort with their appearance altogether. If this happens, criticising them will only worsen their mood and self-esteem: from their point of view, what could be an easy thing for you to do could be equivalent to mastering Everest.

“Truth be told it is a feeling most are lucky to never have felt”

Lucy McManus - Features Writer Don’t ever label mental health difficulties as a personal flaw. If someone is in clear distress, crying hysterically and yelling, it is not because they are an ‘attention-seeker’ or a ‘drama queen’. When I suffered from depression, I described it as being trapped in an invisible tank: it was a place where it’s horribly cold and dark, where I would struggle to stay above water.

When my anxiety attacks would hit, it was as though I was suddenly in a massive stormy sea, with sharks chasing after me. The sharks were the loud, angry, yelling voices in my head, telling me that I’m pathetic, worthless and create an awful existence for my friends and family members; unloved, unworthy and an absolute ‘nothing’ of a person. It could be different at times, where if I managed to enter a room of people then I could probably not stay longer than a few minutes, thinking that no one wanted me there, and that they would resent me. The last thing I wanted to do was to create drama, or have everyone looking at me.

Do validate what they are feeling. I think that this the most important thing to do for anyone experiencing mental distress. There is nothing worse than, when feeling absolutely awful, to be told to ‘cheer up’, ‘your problems ar-

en’t that bad’ etc. Mental illness is not logical: what you or I may equate a life to be grateful for, can be very difficult to appreciate sometimes. Someone can seem to have it great, with loads of friends, great looks and grades, but for all you know they’ve suffered losses, trauma, been abused or bullied, or struggle with the pressure to keep up their supposedly ‘perfect’ life. In other cases, someone suffers from mental illness because it runs in their family.

Others will suffer from the same difficulties simply because there is a chemical imbalance in their brain. Mental illness is the same regardless of what caused it, and it simply cannot be dismissed.

“There is nothing worse than, when feeling absolutely awful, to be told to ‘cheer up” Do be there. When a terrible mood comes it isn’t easy to rid yourself of it; mental illness is incredibly isolating, which makes it even worse to suffer through. It’s actually quite common for people to feel awkward, not knowing what to do or say and end up avoiding the sufferer altogether, but I’d really advise against avoidance. Of course, this will depend on the person experiencing mental ill-health, as some people just prefer to be left alone, while others might need the company. Be-

ing avoided because you’re having a rough time with your illness can cause a well-intended message to be misinterpreted.

“mental illness is incredibly isolating, which makes it even worse to suffer through” Don’t criticise them. A mental illness can be as disabling as any physical illness. Staying in bed, staring at the ceiling for hours on end because your mind is feeling utterly crap is a very normal thing. There may seem to be simple solutions, but very often these ‘simple solutions’ are actually what a mental health difficulty can prevent you from doing.

“A mental illness can be as disabling as any physical illness.”

I’ve often tried to describe how depression can feel: it is something similar to the pain of your worst break up, reminiscent of the death of a loved one, or the worst you’ve ever felt about yourself. Truth be told it is a feeling most are lucky to never have felt, a pain that varies from mild to extreme and is incomparable to anything else. It causes things you may once have enjoyed, such as watching tv or eating, to feel incredibly pointless and as mundane

Do look after yourself. We all love our friends, and want to help them as much as we can, but do not overload yourself. It is very important for your loved one to be under the supervision of a trained professional when suffering from mental illness, as there are certain responsibilities that you just cannot take on, no matter who the person is to you. If you suspect someone you know is experiencing mental health difficulties, is it very important to voice your concerns and urge them to receive help. An appointment with the Student Health Clinic should get them on their way to recovery.

If your friend or loved one isn’t a student, or if their situation may be more immediate than the appointment backlog of the Health Centre will allow, there are alternative supports out there. Pieta House offers counselling sessions and support, and their website (Pieta.ie) has information about how to help a friend who is suicidal or self-harming. It is important to note that if you feel a friend is in immediate risk of committing suicide, then it is generally advised that you contact emergency services immediately, even if they have yet to act or do anything. If you or your friend just needs to talk to someone, Samaritans are there to help; their 24hr free-call line is available to all who need it, and can be utilised by calling 116 123.

If you’ve been affected by any of the content in this article, you can contact the Students’ Union Welfare Officer Rory on 086 383 6794, or the Samaritans on 116 123.

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UCC Legends How do you like your Brexit? Hard, Soft or Fantasy?

By Stephen Spillane - Staff Writer At the Conservative Party Conference in Birmingham, British Prime Minister Theresa May announced that the United Kingdom Government will trigger Article 50 of the Treaty on European Union (TEU).

The triggering of Article 50 begins the process of the UK leaving the European Union, and is scheduled to occur in March 2017. This starts a two-year timetable for the UK Government to negotiate its withdrawal from the myriad of EU institutions, agreements and treaties, as well as trying to ensure some favourable access to EU markets. This will not be an easy task: already the stakeholders in the European Commission, the European Parliament and Malta, who will hold the rotating Presidency of the European Union in early 2017, are drawing up the battle lines.

So how do you like your Brexit?

The Hard Exit Many of those who supported Brexit will be demanding that the UK regains control of immigration from EU Member States.

This would, in turn, lead to the UK losing its access to the EU Single Market, the largest trade bloc in the world. This has been foreseen by the recent negotiations between Switzerland and the European Union where Switzerland, following a referendum, attempted to limit EU migration to the country, but found that if they went ahead with this they would find themselves at a disadvantage in trading with the bloc.

A hard exit will have a huge effect on British exports, which would face tariffs when exporting to the EU, and would also hit the financial services institutions in the City of London, who would lose their ‘passporting’ ability to the single market. This has led to Dublin, Frankfurt and Paris positioning themselves as the go-to destination of

choice for these banks and financial institutions following a hard Brexit.

As a result of a hard exit, the UK would have to renegotiate Market Access with many of the markets it currently has access to by virtue of its membership of the EU. This includes membership of the World Trade Organisation, where subsidies to farmers and other state supports could be under threat by Russia, China and some African members. The UK would also have to renegotiate treaties with Turkey, Mexico, South Korea, Columbia and Peru to preserve their access to those markets, as well as the current treaties being negotiated with Canada, India and the United States.

The Soft Exit The soft exit is very similar to the deals that exist between the European Union and the European Economic Area, which includes Iceland, Liechtenstein and Norway, as well as the many bi-lateral deals between the EU and Switzerland. This would guarantee free movement of persons, goods, services and capital within the European Single Market, and would allow the UK all the perks of membership of the European Union in the economic sphere but would not allow the UK to influence any of the rules or regulations coming out of Brussels, a downside highlighted by Norway and other EEA member states during the referendum campaign. A soft exit would not be acceptable to many of those who campaigned for Brexit.

This soft exit would preserve the UK’s access not only to the European market, but also to the financial sector which is key to the City of London. It would also ensure that exports remain competitive and would not have to face tariffs, as well as help keep some of the access to the markets that have a free trade agreement with the EU. This

again would mean that the UK would have no say in the negotiation or the signing of these agreements, as the the European Commission would remain as their representative on trade matters.

A number of other forms of association with the European Union have been suggested, but they broadly fall in line with a Hard or Soft exit.

The Fantasy Exit There is also the fantasy exit, that is the preferred exit strategy for many of those who campaigned for the UK to leave the European Union. This fantasy exit would allow the UK to limit immigration from European Union, while at the same time preserve its privileged access to the Single Market.

With Europe under siege politically from the Right and Left, its politicians will not want to be seen to dilute the fundamental freedoms of the European Union, and will hope to ensure that the freedom of movement of people is linked to the freedom of movement for goods, capital and services.

The Reality Since the announcement of the intended hard exit from the EU, the pound sterling has declined on international markets. It has declined from the £1 buying €1.36 on January 1st, to £1 buying €1.11 on the 16th of October. This decline will only continue as long as a hard-line on exit is taken by the UK Government. This will be met by an equal hard-line being taken by the EU Commissioner’s negotiator, Michel Barnier, the European Parliament’s negotiator, Guy Verhofstadt, and Joseph Muscat, Prime Minister of Malta.

The next few years will not be easy for the UK as they negotiate their exit from the EU, and they deal with the new reality of borders & restricted market access, and the effect they will both have on its economy.

The Quad: Everyone knows if you walk across the quad you’ll fail your exams. It’s simply not done. It is occasionally referred to as graduate pass, because you pass through it when you graduate and they can’t throw you out anymore.

The Crest: The college crest under the arch of the Quad is a landmark to students, alumni, and tourists alike. If you ever look, you’ll see students going around it, or jokingly threatening to push people onto it. It’s kind of a big deal: If your foot hits the crest, you’ll either fall pregnant, or if you can’t get pregnant, you’ll knock someone up. Some people say you’ll fail your exams if you step on it, but they’re just the people who couldn’t get laid.

Boole Bust: The Boole bust is only here a few months but it already has worked its magic. If you rub noses with the bust of George Boole before your exams, you’ll pass them all. (Note: that I said pass, not get a first. He was brilliant, but even he couldn’t work miracles).

The ORB: David Bowie’s Labyrinth ain’t got shit on the mythical maze of identical looking corridors & floors that form the ORB. In fact, it’s so difficult to navigate that some Freshers get lost there permanently, and fall prey to the curious creature lurking in the basement. At night, you can hear their moans… “I just wanted a frappucino from coffee dock…”

Est.

8

FEATURES

ISSUE 03 | UCC Express

A day in my head: an interview with Aron Bennett 1997

Mary Collins, Features Editor A few months ago I received a message on twitter. As I don’t usually get messages on Twitter, this was rather exciting. A young man by the name of Aron Bennett wanted me to be part of one of the most wonderful projects I’ve ever heard of. The aim was to get over a hundred people with mental health issues to write a diary entry from their perspective, all based on one day: May 16th. These entries would then be combined into a book that (hopefully) would help other people suffering with poor mental health, make them feel that they are not alone. The date was chosen as it was the beginning of mental health awareness week in the UK, where Aron is based.

May 16th was a good day to choose for me, as it happened to be the day I had a break through with something that was bothering me terribly. Getting to write about it was surprisingly cathartic. All of these feelings and thoughts that I had no idea were so painful all came rushing to the surface, clamouring for release. It was a very emotional day, to say the least, but in a good way. I have never been one to keep a diary, but for the first time I could see the appeal. Writing won’t work for everyone, though; some people need to talk, some need to get physical and run it out on a treadmill, some need to be left alone to process things in their own time. What I’m trying to say is that it doesn’t matter how you let it out, as long as you get to express yourself in some way. Bottling it up and waiting for it to go away do more harm in the long term. Remember that you are not alone, and there is always someone who can relate to what you are going through, and most of the time they are closer than you think.

Aron was kind enough to answer some questions for me about the project, and about life in general: Express: You have a book coming out.

Can you tell us a bit more about the project? What inspired it?

Aron: The project came from two places really. The first was my fear that people’s voices - those experiencing mental illness, more specifically - were not being heard.

Or at least, not heard by a particularly wide or varied audience. It is the sad reality of the publishing world that only famous people get to offload so prosperously and publicly. Yet it is of vital importance that people’s every-day experiences are well-documented if, as a society, we are to learn and become more compassionate.

The second was that, by all [contributors] writing on a single day, it would show not only how widespread and universal mental illness is, but [it] was also a display of glimmering solidarity.

Express: When I was working in research, recruitment is always the biggest worry. How did you recruit like-minded people?

Aron: There is no shortage of people wishing to speak out. The difficulty is their audiences are often limited, or otherwise negatively affected by the sheer saturation on social media sites such as Twitter and Facebook. In other words, they are lost in the millions of ego-casting voices. Sometimes, too many voices can have the opposite effect. Those individual voices get lost.

People have been writing, albeit anonymously, about mental illness for decades; centuries even. As one of my contributors pointed out “Who has heard of Currier and Ellis Bell? Writing under pen names they produced ‘Jane Eyre’ and ‘Wuthering Heights’, two of the best novels of all time.”

“People have been writing, albeit anonymously, about mental illness for decades; ” Perhaps the next stage in literature will be people writing unashamedly and autobiographically about their spiritual and educative experiences.

Express: When is it due out?

Aron: Hopefully November. Possibly early December.

Express: You have been quite open about

your experiences with OCD. How do you feel about “coming out” as someone with mental illness?

Aron: As above, I wish to lift the lid on shame. I am confident writing autobiographically about my experiences because I do not see it as a character flaw or, even, a wilful subscription to a set of moral lifestyle choices. It is an illness. And there should be no stigma and shame in illness.

On that basis, I hope that speaking openly and frankly will encourage openness and acceptance amongst others too.

Express: You’ve been a vocal activist for fighting the social stigma of mental illness. What are your thoughts on the perception of mental illness in society today?

One could be forgiven for thinking that the worst of the stigma has already been dealt with by virtue of a superabundance of literature on the topic, and that the zeitgeist – thanks to charities and left-wing campaign groups alike - is finally, finally, now starting to change. My advice is to simply start experimenting with the following unbosoming narratives and see how such divulgences leave you feeling or, rather, reeling. You will soon realise how far we have yet to go when you try; telling someone you can’t leave the house because you fear coming into contact with dirt or germs, that you think you might die prematurely from some form of a brain tumour despite starkly opposing medical diagnoses to the contrary, that you think the door might be unlocked, allowing easy access for potential burglars and rapists, despite having checked over fifty odd times that it is not so. And if all that isn’t squirm-inducing enough, now try some of these: try telling someone how every day you fear harming your own family, or that often you envision

initiating sex with old people, children and animals. Try telling someone that you’re not convinced one hundred percent that you don’t fancy little boys and girls because they slightly resemble fully formed adults, and that this conundrum keeps you up at night as you try desperately to convince yourself by extensive ‘working out’ that you are not a paedophile. Not easy right? So easy to be misunderstood, dealt with as though our uncontrolled thoughts may in some way be ‘real’.

No... we still have some way to go I fear.

Express: What’s next for Aron Bennett?

Aron: Well if this book goes well, why not make more. New volumes. Let’s just keep talking!

Express: Is there anything else you’d like to say, to the readers of the Express or in general?

Aron: Hahaha - think I’ve covered it really. Hopefully.

Aron Bennett, originally from Essex, has lived with OCD for a number of years, later writing a book about his experiences.

After graduating from Lancaster University with a degree in Law, Aron now lives in Norwich and volunteers with the charity ‘OCD Action’.

His two other books, “The Walking Worried; a young man’s journey with OCD” and “Anxiety2 or Essays in Obsessional thinking” are available from Amazon. com.

Aron’s current project, “A Day in my Head” is currently on track to be published in early December, with the proceeds going to charity.

FEATURES

ISSUE 03 | UCC Express

9

The Lowdown on Student Loans Fun Stories

Mary Collins - Features Editor On Wednesday the 19th October some 5000 students are expected to descend upon the streets of Dublin. No, they’re not there for a Coldplay concert, they’re there to protest the Government’s desire to introduce a student loan scheme following the publication of the Cassells Report, a report on the future of third level education.

Here’s what you need to know: What’s Happening?

Third level education has seen massively decreased funding since the recession.

State funding for third level institutions has dropped by 40% in the last 9 years. As a result, University fees were increased accordingly, but failed to cover the overall loss. As UCC and third level institutions in Ireland regularly fall in the QS World University rankings in recent years, no one can deny

that this is at least in part due to the lack of funding that leads to higher student-lecturer ratios, reduced ability to produce research and the general lack of adequate funding to compete. Student numbers are expected to swell by a third in the next decade, so: who’s going to pay for it?

The report Peter Cassels (former general secretary of the Irish Congress of Trade Unions),headed a group that published a report on the state of third level funding in Ireland, and how to address the ever-growing deficit.

The experts came up with 3 options: free education funded entirely by the state, maintaining the €3000 charge plus increased state funding or increased fees upfront, paid for by a student loan scheme.

Why is this bad idea?

Student loans are inherently unfair for

people from economically disadvantaged backgrounds, and will actively deter people from applying for places in college.

There is also the issue of how much fees will increase; in the UK it is estimated that 50% of students have difficulty repaying student loans. In Australia they have similar issues, and in the USA student debt is estimated at costing over 1 trillion dollars.

Precedence has shown that these systems are massively exploitative, as well as unsustainable in the long run.

How do we fight back?

On Wednesday the 19th October, students from third level institutions across Ireland are gathering in Dublin to show the government that we will not stand for this.

Publically funded education is the right of every citizen in Ireland. The money needs to come from somewhere, we can all agree on that. In a country where we pride ourselves on being on the forefront of science and computing research, how can we expect to keep our edge when we are competing against better-funded institutions globally? There is a better way of handling this rather than punishing students to the brink of financial ruin, yet again. Write to your local TD, ring public officials and go to the protest on the 19th. Make your voices heard more than they ever have before.

For more information on the march on the 19th you can contact the Union of Students in Ireland by emailing info@USI.ie, or by tweeting @TheUSI. You can also contact UCC Students’ Union Deputy President on Deputy@UCCSU.ie or by calling (021) 490 3218.

Halloween in Cork - The Nightmare Realm Joe Kerr - Features Writer

The Nightmare realm returns to the Rebel County again this year with a brand new “hostel theme” experience, running from now until November 5th at Albert Quay in the docklands. This year’s event is said to be darker and more unnerving than ever, with visitors “checking in” for an experience like no other the nightmare realm has done before.

The Hostel experience requires “guests” to work their way through three maze-like floors of the hostel, which is said to be like a real-life version of Overlook Hotel from The Shining. Guests of the hostel will be greeted by live scenes of mania and terrifying special effects, with the room 237 being singled out as the most notorious in the hostel. Of course, with a “5 scare hostel,” occupants will rarely be alone inside their rooms, or anywhere inside the hostel for that matter.

The new theme is said to only add to the Nightmare Realm’s already notorious reputation for pushing the boundaries of sanity and the artistry of fear, utilising live characters and vivid special effects, all of which aim to capture the very depths of one’s imagination. Having already terrified more than some 250,000 Corkonian souls since 2011, the ‘Nightmare Realm: Hostel’ is ready to take some more souls this Halloween.

Speaking about this year’s launch, Nightmare Realm creator Karl O’Connor said: “The Nightmare Realm has grown immensely over the past seven years, as has the public appetite for fresh, new and engaging experiences. There is nothing, or has been nothing, like this in Dublin, so we’ve decided to spread terror beyond Cork, and true adrenaline junkies can test out both venues for double the thrills. Our Hostel event in Cork this year promises to bring visitors to new and extreme levels of discomfort

and fear. We have sourced the very best special effect technologies for both productions, so they really will blow your mind.”

Check-in started on September 30th, and the Hostel will continue to take bookings until November 5, with advance tickets for peak times already going fast. The Nightmare Realm is an experience like no other, and is the perfect activity to get individuals, families, teams, clubs or societies in the Halloween spirit.

Mary Everest Boole, wife of George Boole (have you heard of him?!?) was also an accomplished mathematician and writer. She went home to England with her 4 daughters after her husband’s death. She joined a creative writing group and published several books. She apparently had a terrible time with another writer in the group, and they fought like dogs… that man was Arthur Conan Doyle, author of Sherlock Holmes. Ever wonder why Moriarty was described a mathematician in a regional university of no standing? Yeah...

Alfred O’Rahilly was President of UCC for 20 years in the mid1900s, and was a strict disciplinarian. You could be expelled for things students consider essential today: no pubs, no ‘houses of ill repute’, and women had to wear thick nylon stockings if they dared leave the house in a skirt.

In fact, he’s where the Quad legend originate: if you were called for expulsion, you were made walk through the quad, from the lecture halls of the West Wing to the President’s office so everyone could see you.

Did you know that, up until 2000, exam results were posted up on notice boards in the North Wing, with your name written next to them? Up until the 1980s they were also published in the Examiner in the morning, and d’Echo in the evening. They were listed in order of merit too; how cruel is that?

When Queen Elizabeth II came to Cork, she couldn’t come on main campus for security reasons (17 access points versus Tyndall’s 1). To show her the statue of her great-great-grandmother, Queen Victoria, they had to move the ¾ tonne limestone statue from UCC to Tyndal for a day. Don’t worry, she’s safely hidden away on main

10

OPINION

ISSUE 03 | UCC Express

Repeal the 8th - a response to Oliver Callnan Author: Maebh Butler Within the past year we have seen the increase of new & repeated arguments, opinions, and personal stories, adding to the overall debate surrounding the Eighth Amendment of the Irish Constitution. As the debate picks up speed, however, it’s become nigh impossible to scroll through your Facebook or Twitter feed without coming across an article or a comment of someone adding ‘their two cents’ to the general conversation.

The problem seems to be that frustrations are high for all sides of the debate. This can be considered somewhat the fault of the trigger-happy trolls, sitting behind their screens, ready to pounce on the first comment that mentions the topic. It can also be seen as the result of the ever growing importance of social media and the internet in how people express themselves, and how we experience news and current events.

The main issue seems to be, though, that as the shouting gets louder from both pro-life and pro-choice sides, the facts get blurred, the politicians run for cover, and each side of the debate finding their words falling on deaf ears, or just lost in the stream of nasty comments and posts online.

While it is surely a positive thing that people have opened up in Ireland, and are engaging in the conversation about abortion and the law, the debate appears to be on a track with no finish line in sight. The question follows then, as to how exactly we can come to a conclusion on the Eighth Amendment’s place in the Irish constitution. Or, as Oliver Callan so eloquently put it in his recent article in The Sun, “Is there any way of aborting the abortion campaign?”

Callan covers a lot of his own issues with the abortion debate in Ireland, but in the midst of his satirical jibes, he actually does touch on an important point - the need for the debate to finally be put to rest. At the beginning of this month The Irish Times released a poll that highlighted that a ‘significant majority of voters’ wish to see a change of some kind in the Constitution with regards to the Eighth Amendment.

This poll shed light on the fact that, although a majority don’t appear to be in favour of having “UK style abortion” laws in Ireland, they are certainly sure that they want to see a change in the restrictions on abortion.

With only 18% of the poll stating that they wish to keep the Eighth Amendment in place, and 8% claiming to not know what is best, why is it taking so long to imple-

ment any real effort of change? Arguably, the blame lies with the Irish government, and the need to step up to the mark and remove their heads from the safety & warmth of the sand. The only sign of actual political progress on the issue is the gathering of a “citizens assembly,” something that involves no politicians, and will not report back until “one year from the date of the first meeting:” a long time to leave the Irish public brewing their opinions.

Behind the comedic veil of his article, Oliver Callan unearths the issue of “awkward truths.” This is a point that both sides of the fence accuse the other of avoiding. While Callan mentions that it is the “pro-choicers” who need to digest these realities surrounding abortion & the Eighth Amendment, it is hard to take any real sense of seriousness from that. Pro-lifers’ claims that pro-choicers need to face up to the facts become somewhat laughable when the existence of some “rogue” family planning clinics were revealed in the media. They were found to be misinforming women about the aftermath of having an abortion, such as exposing themselves to breast cancer and suicide. It seems more apt, then, that perhaps it is the people engaging in these scare mongering tactics who need to do some serious truth swallowing, rather than those on the pro-life side.

The recent flood of personal stories coming from women who have had abortions paints a very different picture to the claims of avoiding reality. These stories are ones that are in no way avoiding the truths and realities of abortion. They deal with the difficulties of the situation, and how being

forced to travel abroad only makes the experience incredibly more complicated and upsetting. Róisín Ingle, Tara Flynn and Helen & Graham Linehan’s self-exposure of their experience with abortion, for example, reveals the human aspect of the prochoice side from some well-known names; that behind Ireland’s strict laws are thousands of women who are forced into hiding and shame by their own country. What was also astounding was the impact that the hashtag #TwoWomenTravel had on people; as two women anonymously tweeted their trip to the UK, where they went to have a termination, they revealed the actual reality behind the Eighth Amendment.

These stories are only a tiny proportion of the whole picture, and highlight the issue that, for every person, the situation is different. It shows that it can be dangerous to blanket all people seeking an abortion under the one restrictive law.

considered satire ends up being taken for gospel by many, and then outrages others.

“It shows that it can be dangerous to blanket all people seeking an abortion under the one restrictive law. ”

In simple terms, this is exactly what the repeal of the Eighth Amendment comes down to. There are those who wish to see the introduction of choice and change, in some form or another. Then there are those who will allow women to travel out of Ireland to access abortion, but want to keep access to the procedure in Ireland prohibited. This is also something which many of us forget impacts on minorities, like asylum-seekers, who are not permitted to leave the country in the first place, subsequently complicating their option of travelling to somewhere like the UK to have the procedure carried out - but perhaps that is an issue for another day, another debate, another news feed scroll.

Callan writes that “naturally, some of my glib arguments against both sides will be seized upon as being ‘insensitive’.” To be frank, that is because they are somewhat insensitive. His article does come across as something more of a prodding finger, trying to jab a reaction from readers, than a satirical outlook of the issue; but perhaps the very reason for this is because of the flurry of social media debating on the Eighth Amendment. It becomes hard to engage with any of it at all, as what should be

This is most relevant when considering Callan’s comments that “pro-choicers… should be called pro-abortion.” This is perhaps the most confusing issue for people on the fence of the two sides, as those whose personal beliefs disagree with abortion, overwhelm the importance of choice.

And yes, while admittedly Callan’s article should probably be taken in jest, comments like these can be dangerous for those with tunnel vision. Being pro-choice does not necessarily mean being pro-abortion, but being pro-life does mean, as Callan puts it, “imposing a law on others which doesn’t affect them in return.”

“Being pro-choice does not necessarily mean being pro-abortion”

ISSUE 03 | UCC Express

Opinion - Freshers: A Stagnant Trend

By A curmudgeonly old postgrad

we retreat to our offices.

Every September a ritual as old as time repeats like a questionable burrito in the bowels of our dear campus. A fresh crop of first years descend upon us, along with the survivors of the previous term’s exams. Much like soldiers celebrating a battle victory, they remember those unfortunate enough not to make it, typically in a hedonistic display reminiscent of the final days of Rome.

This yearly ritual of excess and decadence, originally designed to welcome the new recruits, has long since been adopted by all ranks as an excuse to punish their livers and all surrounding parties. I am here to provide a fair and balanced alternative view that can only come by being in this university for far too long.

I am a postgrad, and being paid to come to college (this should tip many of you off that I am not an Arts postgrad) drastically changes your view, warps it (if you will). In what i hope is the first of my many features (depending on how long my funding lasts), I present to you, the unwashed undergrad masses, the postgrads least favourite things about Freshers’ Week, and the start of the college term.

2. The endless promotion and advertising With several thousand ‘fish in the barrel’ that is the campus, businesses are hardpressed to not pick up their rifles and have a shot. Luring students, floating by with free treats , promises of savings or some mundane challenge with an unremarkable reward. I have been suckered in too many times, once having to milk a fake cow’s teat for a chocolate bar (can those graduating with degrees in marketing not do any better?). My issue now is that I get grouped in with you (not to sound elitist). No, I don’t want another bank account; I only just closed the two I opened in first year when you tricked me then. No I don’t want your broadband, I’m already locked into an 18 month contract with your competitor, and a free ice cream is not enough to make me incur the early termination fee in my agreement. As if the corporate bombardment wasn’t enough, those groups associated to UCC can be just as annoying, if less sinister. My stint in societies is over, I went through four years and I have had enough, and I’m not alone in this thinking. Our own postgrad society is forgotten about and underutilised, what chance have you got at recruiting me? Oh, and don’t think you club harassers are getting off easy: I cannot forgive the time I was hit in the face by a basketball shot by an enthusiastic, yet uncoordinated student you roped into shooting free throws in the middle of campus.

If this person is now your shooting guard, I worry for your chances this season, and may I instead suggest tiddly winks as an alternative?

1. The people EVERYWHERE Though I work unsociable hours, in an undetermined location on campus, I am by no means anti-social. However, the masses of students clogging the areas outside the library and students centre respectively is evocative of a mosh pit of a concert, especially compared to the abandoned ‘frontier town’ the campus becomes during the summer. We students with actual work to do, while you’re all off enjoying the Irish summer, wander this campus like Bart and Milhouse in that episode of the Simpsons where they break into a toy store after closing (I fear many of you are too young to know what “good” Simpsons is). As we cross paths with our fellow postgrad brethren with a respectful nod of “I know why you’re here, well done,” it is the polar opposite to the infestation come early September. Our gentle stroll across campus to the shop becomes a gauntlet run of dodging societies, clubs and charities (we don’t get paid THAT much). We get some warning when those studying for repeats envelope the library around late August, letting us know the cycle is about to begin again as

3. College Road I had considered attaching “by night” to the title of this one, but no, you have once again lowered the bar for acceptable behaviour: the bar is now out of eye level for most people, and now resembles a cattle grating you’d see in the gateways of country houses. To those of you drinking in your front gardens, blaring your music at three o’clock in the afternoon, I ask you: why?

Now it may be because I haven’t had my afternoon coffee, and that I’m on my way to that small cafe on College Road, and that I am extra tetchy (cars run on petrol, postgrads run on coffee). Your favorite DJ’s latest fifteen minute trance hit with five bass

drops is not something I want to hear in this caffeine-less state; this, unfortunately, is saintly behaviour compared to the nighttime antics. College Road is on my walk home, and god forbid I have to work late on Freshers week of all weeks. After a long day of existential dread and contemplating my future, I would prefer to not have abuse hurled at me from cars (with the occasional egg), or have an inebriated student fall on me like a wounded deer. The debaucherous and lewd behaviour on display would not be out of place at a mardi gras parade (minus the beads). When the university has to hire the responsible few amongst you to wear high vis jackets, wander the wasteland and look after you, it says a lot. Stay at home, have a wine & cheese party: no one judges you for getting wasted then, it’s classy.

4. Classes starting With the arrival of all you bright eyed & bushy tailed students comes the need for us lowly postgrads to pass down our vast accumulation of knowledge through badly prepared and awkwardly scheduled tutorials. I know it may sound crazy, but we want to be in the Kane at 9am Monday morning even less than ye do. This is more mindless labour added to our already hectic workload (Youtube comments aren’t going to write themselves) for the sake of not always grateful undergraduates. After many years of dealing with students I have come to acknowledge that the lower the attendance at weekly tutorials and lectures, the more work for us later in term when exams are looming, and the panicked emails start to arrive. Do us all a favour and just go to your tutorials.

Overall, to a postgrad Freshers Week is one of the two worst weeks of the year, and you can expect an equally morose extravaganza feature closer to the other beast that is R&G Week. However, I fear this feature may not last this long; with the youth of today’s culture of protesting even the slightest indignation, I expect the Express’ office will be raided with fair trade, sustainably grown pitchforks & zero-emissions torches.

Until next time, stop asking me how my PhD is going, and please try to make a few lectures as you continue your failure to recover from the epidemic that is ‘Freshers flu’.

OPINION

11

Religious Services in Cork Roman Catholic Honan Chapel Mass Times: Sunday: 12.00. Monday – Wednesday: 13.05. Thursday & Friday at 8.30am.

Church of the Immaculate Conception, The Lough Sunday: 9:30 and 12.00. Saturday: 12.00 and 19:00. Weekdays: 10:00.

Church of Ireland St Fin Barre’s Cathedral Eucharist: Sunday: 8:00am (Said) 11:15 (Choral). Weekdays: Monday – Saturday 12:00.

St Anne’s – Shandon Eucharist: 9:00 & 10:15 (No 9am on 4th Sunday of the Month).

Methodist Cork – Ardfallen, Douglas Service: 11:30 Presbyterian Holy Trinity – Summerhill Sunday Service: 11:45 Religious Society of (Quaker) Summerhill South Sunday Worship: 11:00

Friends

Unitarian Princes St Sunday: 11am Buddhist Dojo Gyo Riko Meditation Times: Monday: 7:15, Thursday: 19:00, Friday: 7:15 (Arrive 10mins before start).

Islam Cork Islamic Cultural Centre – Tramore Road Fajr 5:00 Dhuhr: 14:00 Friday: 13:45 Maghrib: 5 Minutes after athan Isha’a: 23:00 Cork Dawah Centre – Shandon St Fajr: 20 min after Athan Dhuhr 13:00 Asr 15:00 Maghreb: 5 min after Athan Isha 19:00

12

INTERVIEW

ISSUE 03 | UCC Express

Interview: Kay Cairns

By Méabh McMahon - Staff Writer

be easy to access for everyone, funded, and run by trained professionals.

Méabh McMahon speaks to Kay Cairns, a freelance journalist, trans rights activist and founder of Non-Binary+ Ireland.

Most of the time when a trans person goes to a therapist they first have to jump the hurdle of explaining their gender identity and educating the therapist. This can be especially hard as a non-binary person when your therapist has more often than not never heard of the term non-binary. You’re educating right from start, before you can even begin to address your trauma, anxieties or depression, etc. Often because of the therapist’s lack of experience and knowledge in trans identities, they will ask you to question your identity: “...but what if you’re just a trans man/ non-binary because you’re frustrated with the patriarchy?”

“Maybe you’re just rejecting your femininity because you’re ashamed of it?” “Maybe you’re not a trans woman/ non-binary, you just have a fetish?” “Maybe you’re just gay?”

Express: Do you think pronoun introductions should be incorporated into normal speech and society? Are non-traditional pronouns such as ‘ze or zir’ helpful for giving people more choices, or do they make it easier for skeptics to ridicule the issue?

Kay: Definitely. I’ve found the best way to let someone know what my pronouns are is to introduce them right off the bat. “Hey, nice to meet you Ed, what are your pronouns...? Oh awesome, mine are ‘they.’”

It’s simple, easy, and educates everyone you meet of the importance of pronouns and not assuming.

I use ‘they’ pronouns, but some non-binary people use she, he, ze, sie, hir, co, ey, or a different pronoun. It can be tough to use a pronoun that’s not she or he because sometimes people have to learn to use it and will decide it’s too complicated. But there are great games you can find online to help you use these pronouns, such as the Pronouns App. There’s still so much stigma surrounding non-binary identities in the trans community. There’s the fear that our flexibility around gender and use of a broader set of pronouns can lead to increased ridicule of the trans community. Indeed, this can be the case, but by stigmatising people we’re prioritising the skeptics as opposed to standing up for those non-binary people ridiculed in our community.

Exp: Transgender people have some of the highest rates of suicide among any group in society. What would you say to people for whom the phrase ‘it gets better’ rings hollow? If someone is thinking about their own gender identity for the first time, what do you think is best way to approach those kinds of questions?

Kay: ‘It gets better’ does ring hollow. If you’re deeply distressed because of how society, your family, or your friends treat you and are losing hope, ‘it gets better’ is just too much of a distant promise. Yes, it will get better, but that takes time. People need immediate support, a chance at talking therapy with someone who understands non-binary identities, and to be equipped with the skills to be resilient to constant attacks and micro-aggressions. This support shouldn’t be the rarity that it is. It should

These questions are bloody awful and lead to so much unnecessary pain and guilt on the behalf of the trans person. I agonised for years over going on testosterone because I was worried I was somehow unconsciously doing it because I wanted to ‘partake in the patriarchy.’” Now I realise how damaging that thought process is and that we just have to give ourselves a break and let ourselves explore our gender identities without guilt, cisgender expectations, or the horrible voice of the medical establishment of what they deem ok for us to do with our own bodies.

Exp: How did you get involved in non-binary issues? Do you remember the first time you heard the term ‘non-binary’, and what did you think about it then?

How have you found this line of work thus far?

Kay: One of my exes came out to me as trans when we were dating, and so supporting him through his transition helped me to come to realise my own gender. I kept reading and educating myself, and eventually came across the term non-binary. It fit me a whole lot better than trans man, and helped me find other people like me. I wasn’t alone anymore.

That said, when I realised I was non-binary, there were no supports out there. I attended the local trans support group with my partners, but I was often the only out non-binary person there, and the talk usually revolved around hormones and surgery - something I wasn’t thinking about. Our largest trans organisation, TENI, didn’t speak about non-binary identities or advocate for our visibility, support or needs at that time.

When I chatted to friends about the issue, they suggested I set up my own organisation for non-binary people, and while that was a sucky burden to have placed on me, I’m really glad I did it. Non-Binary+ Ireland is now one year old, is funded, and provides online and physical support spaces to over 120 people. We advocate for non-binary visibility and inclusion, provide workshops, and help other LGBTI+ organisations, such as TENI, in its outreach to non-binary people and advocacy for medical and legal inclusion. It’s been an incredibly tough year - as I’ve faced so much stigma and attacks from my family, the trans community and other trans activists for my work. But it’s incredibly rewarding. I know I’m helping people and that’s what keeps me going.

Exp: The Gender-recognition Act recently passed in Ireland. What kind of legislative challenges are still facing us?

Do you think, after the passing of the bill and Marriage Equality, that people believe the battle for LGBT rights has been won and are paying less attention to these issues?

Kay: The gender recognition act excludes non-binary people completely, doesn’t acknowledge intersex people, lacks provision for binary trans people (men/ women) who are under 16 and makes it very difficult for 16 to 18 year olds to access gender recognition. At Non-Binary+ Ireland’s end, we’re working with TENI to make sure the next review of the gender recognition act puts strong emphasis on non-binary inclusion, as this was missing from its initial campaign.

In some sense the binary trans community has been fortunate in that the gender recognition act received so little attention. It seemed the likes of the Iona Institute were unaware the bill was being processed.

That said, it would be awesome to have the support of the rest of the LGBTI+ community in Ireland, as it’s never paid attention to the T, unless in a tokenistic sense. Indeed, the intersex community is payed even less

attention, by both the LGB and trans communities.

Do you believe that gender-identity groups should split from sexual-orientation groups (ie T split from LBG)? Is Non-Binary+ Ireland affiliated with TENI? Could you elucidate the difference between transgender issues and non-binary issues, or it there a significant overlap?

I think we’re stronger together. We need to support each other in our work, form partnerships, and boost eachothers’ progress.

I’ve found it tough to form partnerships between Non-Binary+ Ireland and our country’s other trans organisations, as they often believe they are already non-binary inclusive, and unfortunately this just isn’t the case.

I can understand therefore why other movements, like the intersex movement, has forged on ahead without the rest of the LGBT+ community, because as minorities within minorities we receive an incredible amount of marginalisation within our ‘safe spaces’ and it can just be too frustrating and tiring to fight for change from within.

It can often be easier to work as an individual community, and continue to nudge everybody else to catch on. I’ve worked for years within trans organisations to help make them more non-binary, gender non-conforming and intersex inclusive, and hit so many roadblocks I realised it would be more beneficial to go it alone, establish a non-binary support and advocacy organisation, and make all of our resources openly accessible to everyone, in the hopes they’ll take some of it on board. Making these resources is our next step at Non-Binary+ Ireland.

The interview had to be partially cut due to time constraints; for the full version of the interview go to UCCExpress.ie now. For more information on Non-Binary+ Ireland, and the work they do, you can email them at nonbinaryirl@gmail.com, or find them on social media, @NonBinaryIRL.

13

issue 3

Volume 2

Editorial

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14

certain that the earth doesn’t have a pleasant pastel tone if you were to look at it from space, but we’re a creative species, and if we want a rainbow-coloured earth within the privacy of our own homes, then we can damn well have it. Another reason is to give one an air of ‘worldliness’, as it were. You hang your map on the wall so that visitors will see it and say, “my, that person has ambitions of travelling widely, which is thought by the educated elite to be a key to enlightenment”. Home décor is a complex and multifaceted thing.

When You Try Your Best...

Maps seem to be a big trend nowadays.

No, I’m not being shady. I have one myself - it’s up on the wall above my desk. Of course, a lot of people hang maps around their houses for aesthetic purposes: I’m almost

I think a big reason for the whole ‘map trend’, though, is that it almost acts as a sort of inspiration. A map can remind us that there’s a whole big world out there that we have the power to explore, if only we try hard enough. I’ve been thinking a lot about ‘trying’ recently.

I was turned down for a job about two weeks ago, as I’m writing this. To be told that

officially was disappointing, but in a strange way, because I knew I wasn’t going to get it in the first place - I didn’t do well at the interview, and they were looking for a different personality type. But still, I was disappointed for more than the loss of some potential income. I was disappointed because I had tried - and I did try - and I still failed. What a balls.

Sometimes trying really, really hard isn’t enough, and that’s awful. A lot of things we put our necks out for are ultimately left up to chance - had you been up against different people; had you been more awake on the day; had you been a foot taller or a pound heavier or a smidge more organised, you would have gotten this, that, or the other thing. But you didn’t. And life goes on.

I don’t believe that everything happens for a reason. I believe that it might seem that way, because human beings are amazingly durable. If you try this, and this doesn’t work out, you can try that, and that might happy Pink October to the same-name disease we love to hate.

Your film of the week: Mean Girls Lucky fruit: Bananas, a great source of potassium Leo (July 23rd - Aug. 22nd) - You gotta save the bees, man, c’mon, the future of garlic bread depends on it. GARLIC BREAD, DUDE. G a r l i c B r e a d. B e e s.

Hop to it.

Your song of the week: Here Comes The Sun - The Beatles.

Lucky side-dish from Four Star: Spicy wedges

HOROSCOPES Aries (Mar. 21st - Apr. 19th) - You've gotta stop shifting all around you on nights out, dude. The cold sore virus can be carried by anyone.

Your song of the week: Enola Gay - OMD. Lucky number: √π Taurus (Apr. 20th - May 20th) - Someone you’re close to will come out unexpectedly as a Trump supporter this week. I’m so sorry.

Your song of the week: Another Brick in the Wall - Pink Floyd Lucky colour: Tangerine

with Mystic Greg

Gemini (May 21st - June 20th) - You accidentally walk up the wrong side of the Boole Basement stairs this week and a stressed final year punches you. To be fair, you should’ve known better.

Your song of the week: Go Your Own Way Fleetwood Mac. Lucky aquatic fowl: duck.

Cancer (June 21st - July 22nd) - This is the month where you realise that shuffling side-to-side as your primary mode of transportation probably isn’t the most efficient way to get around, despite what your astrological symbol would say. Also,

Virgo (Aug. 23rd - Sept. 22nd) - Did you know about the mummy that the college has? It definitely knows about you.

You know that moment when you’re in the queue for food in the Student Centre, and you get a chill up your spine? That has nothing to do with the mummy, you should just probably eat somewhere else.

Your film of the week: The Scorpion King Lucky Universal movie monster: Wolf Man Libra (Sept. 23rd - Oct. 22nd) - If you stand in the exact centre of the amphitheatre and yell ‘here comes dat boi’ rumour has it that the wind will whisper ‘oh shit whaddup’ in your ear.

Your song of the week: Crazy Frog - remember that shit?

Lucky meme of the week: people voting for Jill Stein.

Scorpio (Oct. 23rd - Nov. 21st) - Y’know what’s the dankest meme? Believing in

work out better. And even if it turns out that you just aren’t good enough, well - what’s wrong with that, exactly? I tried to cook decent food last week, and I set off the fire alarm twice. But the stuff was still, y’know, edible, and I never claimed to be good at cooking anyway. Maybe I wasn’t good enough for that job, but I’m sure there’s another one out there somewhere. Maybe I can’t afford to save for a trip to Dubai, but that’s on account of me needing to keep myself alive, to be fair.

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. And if you’re still not succeeding, it might be a good idea to adopt a new strategy.

Maybe you didn’t manage to get published by the New Yorker, but there’s always Byline (byline@uccexpress.ie)!

Lauren Mulvihill yourself.

Your song of the week: Gold - Spandau Ballet.

Lucky name of the week: Hank Sagittarius (Nov. 22nd - Dec. 21st) - Everyone will think you and your best friend are dating this week. You should definitely shift them to add to the rumour.

Your song of the week: Afternoon Delight - Starland Vocal Band.

Lucky item of the week: A condom, apparently. Go you.

Capricorn (Dec. 22nd - Jan. 19th) - You should definitely continue watching vine compilations instead of doing all the shit you have to do. Thatll get you a 2.1 for sure.

Your song of the week: The Lion Sleeps Tonight - The Tokens Lucky subreddit of the week: r/cringepics, for some variety when you run out of furry-cringe vines.

Aquarius (Jan. 20th - Feb. 18th) - If you were a fruit (yeah, a fruit, I said it) you’d be a cute-cumber.

Your pet of the week: Cats, though they may be afraid of you for some reason.

Lucky vegetable of the week: an apple Pisces (Feb. 19th - Mar. 20th) - For a water sign, you sure are some dry shite.

Your film of the week: Waterworld (Kevin Costner), not because of your sign, but because you too are a disaster waiting to happen.

Lucky accessory of the week: A poncho, because ponchos rock, bro.

ARTS AND ENTERTAINMENT

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Ten Reasons to Visit Your Local Art Gallery (with Patrick, the Caretaker)

Sarah Ryan - Byline Associate Editor Taking the time to visit an art gallery is something most of us would often like to do, but rarely get around to doing. Strolling about, staring really hard at an abstract and pretending you ‘kind of get it’; looking at pictures of men in frilly collars; and racking your brain for some Leaving Cert art history knowledge so you can tell whoever’s with you that that apple in the corner ‘symbolises life’ - it’s an activity that’s hard to find the time for.

Here I offer you ten reasons to visit your local gallery, straight from Patrick, The Crawford Art Gallery’s caretaker - a lovely French man with some lovely glasses, and an abundance of knowledge of the art and exhibitions at The Crawford.

Reason 1: It’s free! “A lot of people don’t know that,” says Patrick - but yes, The Crawford Art Gallery is free to enter for everyone. It’s a privilege we don’t often think about, having such great artwork at our disposal for no cost at all: everything from priceless sculptures to Jack Yeats’ paintings with a price tag of up to a million euro. All that’s asked, really, is an optional donation at the door on your way out. Plus, everyone likes free stuff.

Reason 2: There are loads of brilliant exhibitions to see right now, including works by both Jack B. Yeats and Anne B. Yeats, and Seán Keating too. These are some of Patrick’s favourites, and come personally recommended by him because of their special relevance to Irish history and culture.

Also featured in the gallery is the wonderful exhibition ‘Perceptions: The Art of Citizenship’ where the artwork is ‘vibrant and playful’ and seeks to tell us about ‘people, places, aspirations and hopes.’ As a layperson, this was definitely the exhibition I’d recommend the most to anyone. All of the colours and textures... and all that other artsy stuff, made it a really interesting experience.

people to visit art galleries, this was his reason. Supporting art galleries is a crucial part of protecting Irish history and culture, and Patrick explained that art is an important source when learning about politics in our country past and present: “No matter what your country, politics and art go hand in hand.” Throughout 2016, the Crawford has had a constant supply of exhibitions relating to the artists, themes and events of the 1916 rising, plus a ‘gallery trail’ of works accompanied by a logo so that visitors are able to track Ireland’s political history through the artwork.

Banksy with the maid and the dustpan and thought - ‘cool’.

Reason 8: New perspectives and different cultures. The Crawford Art Gallery has a constant flow of new exhibitions from all over the world and from all different time periods. African short films, “Northern Art”, Irish Art from 1870-1970, plus a whole variety of other exhibitions from across the globe & from the distant past make visiting the Crawford Art Gallery, or almost any art gallery, an opportunity to get a view of life as other people see it. It’s an opportunity to glimpse into someone else’s mind and experiences, and from that gain a new perspective of your own.

Reason 5: An opportunity to meet new people. Whether it’s by getting involved in classes, or just wandering around, the Crawford is always full of interesting people to meet. Famous faces, up-and-coming artists, amateurs and enthusiasts, they can all be found in the Crawford on any given day. Reason 9: The Crawford Café. Good coffee, Patrick puts it simply & well, saying “there would recommend.

Reason 3: Art Classes. The Crawford Art is always someone to have a nice chat with Reason 10: Meeting the caretaker. Patrick Gallery offers an abundance of classes, about what’s going on in the world of art.” has been a caretaker at the Crawford Art from children’s classes to classes for senior citizens, in anything from painting to Reason 6: Creativity. It’s hard not to come Gallery for 10 years, and meeting him is creative writing. There are currently some out of an art gallery feeling a bit inspired. definitely a highlight of visiting the Crawcreative writing workshops going on which It’s an almost osmosis-like thing, like being ford. As I said before, a lovely French man will be taking place throughout the month surrounded by all that creativity just soaks with lovely glasses, he happily passed on his of October, as well as ‘Symposium: Percep- into your brain...and with that pretentious knowledge of the gallery and its exhibitions to many of the visitors. Of his ten years in tions 2016’, which takes place between the thought, let’s move on to our next reason. the gallery, he said: “Every day is a pleasure.

25th-26th of October. This is a multi-venue exhibition where participants are in- Reason 7: Bragging rights. Visiting art gal- Coming in, meeting new people, talking vited to consider subjects such as ‘creative leries is undoubtedly a distinguished way to about art, discovering different things. It’s a citizenship’. The Crawford Gallery’s own spend your spare time. Sure, people might pleasure to come to work. It’s not even work website is full of information on all of its think you’re a pretentious wanker, but who it’s like a hobby!” classes and events, so make sure to check it knows - you might be getting to see some litout. tle-known artwork now that will be hugely So, with that, I hope you’ve found at least famous in years to come. Secretly, we all love one reason to visit your local art gallery.

Whether it’s the art, the coffee or the nice Reason 4: “To protect your culture.” When a ‘I knew them before they were famous’.

I asked Patrick why it was important for You could be, like, the first guy who saw that staff, there’s always going to be something

Film & TV

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16

Movie Recommendations: This is the last issue before Halloween, so what should you watch so you can pretend you ain’t afraid of no ghosts? Well, Ghostbusters (the original, please) is a good shout! Also, there’s a movie called Rubber: it’s about a homicidal car tyre - yeah? Yeah! Editor-in-Chief’s note: Carpenter’s The Thing is always a good shout.

New to Netflix: I don’t know about you, but I’m watching Justin Timberlake and the Tennessee Kids concert at some stage. There’s bits and pieces out around JT, like Black Mirror, or the new season of Dusk till Dawn – but JT is all that really matters, being honest.

Just Out: Tom Cruise stars as a fugitive on the run who must clear his name because the government are being a bunch of tools in Mission Imposs… wait, it’s not Mission Impossible? It’s Jack Reacher: Never Go Back?

Person of the Hour: Rosario Dawson – Because God knows how much time she must have on her hands to be in every Marvel Netflix series.

‘Can’t Cope, Won’t Cope’ Review Philip Hayden - Film & TV Writer You’ve got to hand it to RTE: no matter how many arrows pile up at the foot of the comedy TV show bullseye, every year they get their bow & arrow out and dutifully aim for that target again. The list of failed RTE original comedy programming is getting depressingly long at this stage - remember The Fear?

Mattie? The Walshes? No? Well, this year’s attempt comes in the form of ‘Can’t Cope, Won’t Cope’, a warts-and-all depiction of the modern smartphone-obsessed Irish twentysomething woman. Seána Kerslake and Nika McGuigan star as Aisling & Danielle respectively, two Corkonian girls living it up in Dublin city. The show is, in many ways, a feminist statement: tearing down stereotypes, depicting the often seedy truth, and showing that female characters can be just as real, even as vulgar, as their male equivalents. If, for a moment, you separate that revolutionary sentiment from the show itself, what you find left over is somewhat underwhelming.

Can’t Cope, Won’t Cope describes itself as a ‘darkly comic drama’, a claim which plays very fast and loose with the latter two adjectives. The show can definitely be described as dark; if anything, it’s surprising how dark the show is. This can result in some fascinating scenes, like when Aisling goes home with a Topman-clad yuppie who, although he doesn’t have a condom, insists that he will “pull out” in time. After her exhausted lover attempts to give her money for the morning-after pill, we watch Aisling start off on the long walk home, dropping into the pharmacists en route for said prescription as well as an unwanted lecture on unprotected sex.

It’s something we have never seen on Irish television before: it’s authentic, not at all preachy, even brave, and the show should be commended for that.

However, Can’t Cope, Won’t Cope‘s biggest fault is in its comedy, or rather lack thereof.

In fact, the show is almost completely devoid of jokes. The show’s laughs depend almost entirely on the novelty of seeing Irish women ‘behaving badly’. If you’ve ever watched RTE’s far superior Pure Mule - or even HBO’s Girls - that novelty will be seriously diminished, if not completely non-existent at this stage. The show also seems to think that simply putting in lots of Irish-isms qualifies as comedy. And while it can be charming to hear the characters say words like “shift,” “Coppers” and

such eloquent phrases as “Well, this is going off like prawns in the sun,” these Irish-isms should embellish the comedy not be the comedy.

““Well, this is going off like prawns in the sun,”” As for the drama, Can’t Cope, Won’t Cope describes itself as “detailing the unravelling of a friendship between two co-dependent young women.” It’s an interesting premise, and it would work if not for one major problem: why exactly are these women friends?

Neither character is fleshed out enough to understand why they became such good friends in the first place, and why they’re only now starting to drift apart. Does it really take stealing a car to drive a wedge between them?

Do people actually go to the beach to watch people “dogging?” It seems like Danielle just decides that she’s tired of Aisling. Realistic?

Yes, but it’s hardly dramatic. As the show progresses it becomes clear that Aisling is the focus of the show (Danielle doesn’t even appear in episode four). The problem with this is we haven’t spent enough time with Aisling to care about her, and the time we have spent with her just made her seem like a self-absorbed narcissist. It’s not heart-breaking to watch Aisling descend into alcoholism when you just don’t care about her character.

The quality of the acting fluctuates; sometimes, when out for the night, the girls don’t even look like they’re acting. Other times the acting seems on-par with the panto, the constant Corkonian “likes” particularly becoming unbearable.

The show’s production sports a glossy sheen

throughout: texting sequences feature little blocks of text popping up on screen, similar to those seen on House of Cards; each scene opens with seductive shots of Dublin’s hippest graffiti-covered walls. The soundtrack is comprised of your typical chillwave Spotify playlist. The overall structure is particularly puzzling: in episode two we learn that one of Aisling’s clients has died, prompting her to ring his grieving widow; the scene goes on for quite some time, but ultimately turns out to be irrelevant as it’s really just an explanation for why the girls had to go out drinking that episode.

It’s not that ‘Can’t Cope, Won’t Cope’ simply misses its elusive target so much, as it seems that the writers were trying to aim for two targets and end up missing both. It’s hard to believe anyone could call this a comedy, there simply aren’t enough laughs, and just because the show is overflowing with darkness doesn’t make it a drama. The premise for the show is intriguing, and some scenes make for truly great television, but Can’t Cope, Won’t Cope is too riddled with problems - ill-defined characters, the absence of any laughs (in a self-proclaimed comedy), and an overwhelming pessimism stops the show from getting its point across.

Only time will tell, but right now, it seems Can’t Cope, Won’t Cope is destined to take its place among failed Irish comedies of television past.

1717

FILM & TV Editor - Aaron Frahill

Repo! The Genetic Opera: A Modern Cult Classic sin’, where Nathan laments the loss of his wife Marni and the life he once lead, saying that his daughter is all he has left in this life now. You can hear the pain in his voice as he sings of his loss, and the lie his life has become. The catchy ‘Zydrate Anatomy’ is my personal favourite, and that’s the one that will bounce around your head long after the movie is over. Sung by Graverobber, Amber Sweet and Shiloh, alongside a rousing chorus of Zydrate addicts, it teaches us about the pivotal drug, what it’s for and how it’s used.

“The songs themselves tend to be more catchy than soul stirring”

Mary Collins - Features Editor

Imagine a post-apocalyptic society: a world torn & broken by a mysterious epidemic that stole the lives of millions in one of the most painful ways imaginable, total organ failure. Out of the ashes of the horrific tragedy, a multi-billion biotech company emerges as the saviour of mankind. ‘GeneCo’ offer ‘organ financing’ - you can have a fully functional organ of your choice, for a monthly fee. They also developed a new, more effective painkiller - Zydrate - to help with the pain. Surgery becomes a fashion statement, and it seems as if God herself has solved the problem until Congress legalises organ repossession for those who can’t keep up with the repayments. This gives rise to the most terrifying of creatures: Repomen - people whose job it is to hunt down those who are behind in their repayments.

The premise is delightfully chilling, if a little close to home. The idea that by missing a few payments one could lose everything is a horrible idea that some have already had to face; with one missed payment one could lose their life. It’s unimaginable. It’s worth noting that the original play came about when the writer’s friend was going bankrupt and facing foreclosure. It is a harsh world to live in, bearing in mind that it is set in the 21st century, and the storyline has more twists and turns than an old country road, but managing to stay riveting throughout.

stellar musical performances in the movie.

Alexa Vega, of Spy Kids fame, is wonderfully haunting as Shiloh, the somewhat heroine of the piece, and Sarah Brightman as the tragic Blind Mag is enchanting as always. Paul Sorvino, as Rotti Largo, has a voice that reverberates with authority and quakes in your chest. Paris Hilton as Amber Sweet, though her voice leaves a lot to be desired, actually works wonders.

She is obviously aware that she is basically playing a parody of her public persona: an alleged doped-up, spoilt heiress with more money than sense, and so much plastic surgery that her face barely remains attached.

Anthony Head (Buffy the Vampire Slayer) is utterly convincing as Nathan Wallace, the doctor stuck between the normal life he desperately wants to return to and his forced atonement for mistakes pinned on him by others. My favourite character has to be Graverobber, one of the original writers Terrence Zdunich; he makes his living stealing Zydrate from the skulls of freshly buried corpses, supplying the city’s drug dens with their latest narcotic fix, including Amber Sweet herself. As the narrator of the story, his dulcet tones help set the atmosphere for the entire experience.

And so we enter the bleak world that is the setting for ‘Repo! The Genetic Opera’.

Based on a play by Darren Smith and Terrance Zdunich, it follows the story of Shi-

As a rock opera, it has an unusual vibe to it: in a world with musicals abound it isn’t something that I had come across before, but it has a certain charm. There are some

The songs themselves tend to be more catchy than soul stirring, and some toe the line of becoming almost repetitive. The most heartfelt song has to be ‘Legal Assas-

Halloween is coming up fast, folks: we get to dress up as monsters, chase people around and have a laugh; but what if we lived in a society where the monsters dressed up as people? Where the people chasing you would tear your body apart without a second thought?

loh Wallace, a young woman hidden away by her father after supposedly inheriting her deceased mother’s rare blood disease, and the revelation of her family’s intricate past with corporate monster Rottissimo “Rotti” Largo. Rotti has his own problems, having to deal with three greedy, damaged children (Luigi, Pavi and Amber Sweet) all vying to find out who will the CEO of GeneCo when he dies.

“the storyline has more twists and turns than an old country road”

The special effects are somewhat lacklustre, but as the movie is directed by the mind behind SAW, Darren Lynn Bousman, this was to be expected. Infuriating as it is to an anatomist, or anyone who knows what the human body looks like on the inside, the exaggerated viscera actually works for the story. The horror isn’t supposed to come from the gore - it’s supposed to come from the notion of living in a world where even your body isn’t your own; everyone and everything is for sale, and society’s morals are governed by the person with the deepest pockets.

Overall ‘Repo! The Genetic Opera’ is everything that it set out to be: a gory parody of a world torn apart by an obsession with image, set to a rocking soundtrack. Although it is very much an acquired taste, the story is captivating, and the music is well done. Destined for cult royalty? I think so.

MUSIC

18

18

Beginners Guide to Biffy Clyro

Oh My My What an Album!

1) Many Of Horror 2) Living Is The Problem Because Everything Dies 3) Mountains 4) Folding Stars 5) Bubbles 6) Machines 7) 57 8) Black Chandelier 9) The Fog 10) Stingin’ Belle

Ruth O’Dwyer - Music Writer

Cyprus Avenue gigs

The album celebrates the 10-year anniversary of the band’s beginnings, which started with their first hit ‘Apologize’. This is, without a doubt, a track that we all remember, and one that smothered the airwaves for weeks after its release. What makes this new album even more special is the fact that it was recorded while the band were on a world tour, meaning some songs were recorded in places like Tokyo, Milan, Sweden and Berlin, while others were of course recorded in the UK. This just demonstrates how skilful this Coldplay/U2 reminiscent band is; I can only imagine how challenging it must have been to compose new music while rehearsing & performing at the same time. We can definitely see various cultural influences being integrated into the album, with French-DJ duo Cassius’ bass lines dominating the tit-

UCC Songwriters Competition – 19th October Roisin O – 20th October The Elders – 21st October Marc O’Reily – 22nd October Hudson Taylor – 27th/28th October The Riptide Movement – 29th October Jack L – 31st October Album Release Dates Lady Gaga – Joanna (21st October) Leonard Cohen – You Want It Darker (21st October) Empire Of The Sun – Two Vines (28th October) Alicia Keys – Here (4th November) Wiley – Godfather (4th November)

If you’re a slightly obsessed OneRepublic fan like I am, you are going to absolutely love their new album ‘Oh My My’, which was released on October 7th. I immediately got my hands on the album once it became available and wasted no time, spending most of that day blaring the unbelievable musical talent of OneRepublic throughout my entire house… probably driving my family absolutely mad in the meantime, but it was definitely worth it!

ular track ‘Oh My My’ and Peter Gabriel’s unique touch clearly visible in the amazing sounds of ‘AI’.

What’s more is that it is an extremely positive album, capturing the essence of childhood, highlighting the delights and excitement we experience as children, while also looking forward to a bright future ahead. For me, the twenty songs featured in this album - without being too philosophical - explain what being human is all about, intertwining both the struggles & fulfilment we encounter in life through the lyrics and music, and

I believe what makes this so-called ‘real’ or ‘proper’ music is its ability to convey a significant message or meaning, while simultaneously demonstrating an interesting & varied musical capacity. This album, then, is certainly something to praise, for managing to filter both these elements through its quirks, soaring choruses, and its pulsing guitar & staccato vocal arrangements.

To conclude, I would highly recommend this album to anyone, as there is a huge amount of pleasure to be sought from doing so – you won’t regret it, I promise!

Bon Iver – 22, A Million Review when we’d arranged to meet. Things in Ireland were breaking down all around me, I couldn’t contact anyone because my phone wouldn’t work abroad and I was feeling as lonely as you possibly can while surrounded by thousands of people in a field. “10 d E A T h b R E a s T ” began blaring over the speakers - the booming bass opening was both startlingly peculiar and beautifully familiar in equal measure. And I broke down. The song was repeated 3 times, as though as a way of faith, but more likely a technical difficulty. And that’s pretty much everything you need to know about this album.

Cailean Coffey - Music Editor I’ll always remember my first introduction to this album. There I was, sitting in a field, waiting for one of my favourite bands of all time to take to the stage at the annual Reading Festival; things were difficult for various reasons.

My friends had ditched me 3 hours previously in favour of alcohol, and had failed to appear

If you are a fan of Bon Iver, 22, A Million will be exactly what you imagined it would be, except with instruments are replaced by computers.

This album feels as though someone heard previous Bon Iver projects and tried to remake it with synthesizers. The themes of finding one’s self, the constant links to religion and affirmation & celebration of all things bleak are all present and accounted for. You know from

the very first bar of the first song what you are about to witness.

“If you are a fan of Bon Iver, 22, A Million will be exactly what you imagined it would be” The album starts off very well, with the opening song “22 (OVER S∞∞N)” beautifully setting the picture of heartbreak, with Justin Vernon’s layered vocals pulling the song seamlessly along. “715 - CR∑∑KS” is very similar to the track “Woods” from their “Blood Bank” EP. The album ebbs and flows, faces a bit of a lull after five songs, with “666” featuring a dramatic electronic breakdown, but the emotion in Vernon’s voice never fails to make you contemplate all aspects of your life in the way only he can. In what is his most experimental album yet, it’s the familiar that will bring you back again and again.

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music Editor - Cailean Coffey

The Best Of What’s Left Cailean Coffey - Music Editor With only two and a half months left of 2016, music critics, reviewers and opinion-throwers are all trying to gather together the year’s best albums for ‘End of Year’ lists and highlight playlists. While they all prepare for what has already passed, Radiohead’s brain melting “A Moon Shaped Pool”, Rihanna’s disappointing “Anti”, Frank Ocean’s long-awaited “Blond” and even DJ Khaled’s surprisingly entertaining “Major Key”, there’s always the sense that there is one more left - one more album to define the year, one last hurrah for 2016. Throughout the Twittersphere there are always rumors of people recording in secret, with albums about to drop, and right here we gather all that information into one place to see what will be the last great album of 2016.

Lady Gaga is set to release fifth album,

“there’s always the sense that there is one more left - one more album to define the year” Joanne, in the coming days, but she is becoming as irrelevant to everyday people as Pokémon Go, so that’s worth very little interest to anyone bar her “Little Monsters”. The biggest story at the moment is the possible release of a new Taylor Swift album. Theorists have deducted, using pretty convincing techniques, that Swift will release her new album on the 23rd of October. Swift’s previous five albums have been released in October, and it has been 2 years since 1989. She plays her only concert

of the year at the Formula One Grand Prix on the 22nd and people seem convinced that she’s not just there to perform a greatest hits show.

On October 24th she celebrates the 10-year anniversary of the release of her debut album.

All the signs point to the album being released as a surprise on Apple Music, as the likelihood of Swift doing press is highly unlikely given the inevitable questions about Calvin Harris, Tom Hiddleston and the Kanye West. Sources close to the singer have said she is in the studio and is recording new songs every day. Is Taylor swift about to drop the album of the year?

Who knows, but enough has happened in the last 12 months to inspire her.

Another album rumored to be on the way is Ed Sheeran’s third album. Undoubtedly one of the biggest acts in the world at the moment, and at the peak of his powers, Sheeran has been on hiatus since the start of the year. In the letter he posted on Instagram announcing his break from technology, he mentioned that “The 3rd album is on its way and it’s the best thing I have made thus far” and that he would “See you all next Autumn.” The hints keep coming for a new release, as Sheeran’s previous producer Benny Blanco recently posted a picture of him and Ed striking the ‘Titanic pose’ on a cruise ship, where they are rumored to be writing and recording new music. Sheeran has appeared in public only once in the last 10 months, and that was at the Latitude Festival in July, close to his family home in Suffolk, where he made a guest appearance for Foy Vance (who is playing in Cork very soon). His album will likely not be a surprise release, but could very well have a surprise single & video dropping, with an album then being announced, similar to what Adele did to release ‘27’. Maximum pub-

licity, minimum effort.

Ever since the release of Beyoncé’s “Lemonade” people have been calling out to hear Jay-Z’s side of the story, and that wish may very well come true.

Until recently, Jay-Z was the retired rapper who had spun into other realms of clothes, sports franchises and music streaming. However, recently he has begun to feature in other artists’ albums on guest verses. So far, he has appeared on an unreleased version of Drake’s ‘Pop Style’ along with Kanye West; a Pusha T single ‘Drug Dealers Anonymous’; and on the DJ Khaled album alongside Future. People have been waiting for a new Jay-Z album since the failed Samsung launch of ‘Magna Carta Holy Grail’ in 2013. Various sources have reported to have heard the album and have hyped up the excitement for its release. Rapper Vic Mensa has called the new material “fresh as fuck” and Jermaine Dupri was quoted as saying “I know the name of Hov’s new album, it might be done.”

“Ever since the release of Beyoncé’s “Lemonade” people have been calling out to hear Jay-Z’s side of the story” It will obviously be a Tidal exclusive, to make his family at least another $100 Million on top of the reported $3.37 million they were making every 24 hours after Lemonade’s re-

lease. Releasing Jay-Z’s album just before the new year makes sense, as it would leave Tidal in the spotlight as 2017 begins, and make Tidal’s two major releases eligible for two separate awards seasons, extending its attention into 2018.

The final album that, following the recent release of a new single, seems inevitable is Bruno Mars’s third album. It was due to be released in March, but it was delayed in order to prepare for his Super-bowl Halftime Show appearance. It has now been given a release date of November 18th. He premiered his new music in a video posted on YouTube on the 7th of October, and rumblings of a new album began to emerge. Its November release seems to fit, thus allowing for Grammy eligibility. Skrillex has already confirmed his involvement in the project and the popularity of “Uptown Funk” makes it likely that Mark Ronson will have a part to play. What will it sound like? Well, it’s going to be upbeat and celebration- orientated. Bruno’s sound engineer was quoted as describing the studio atmosphere as “about having fun. It’s about everyone coming together and having a good time.”

Interview

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Acceptable in 2016 - An Interview with Jay Hunter of OSW Jonathan Soltan - Gaming Editor I don't think it would come as a surprise to any of you if I described professional wrestling as a niche subject. Finding an audience for a podcast about old WWF pay-per-views, therefore, would seem nigh impossible, but that's exactly what three lads from Dublin did when they started OSW (Old School Wrestling) Review. The show features our three hosts: Jay Hunter, Steve (V1) and Steve (Mr. OOC) highlighting the dizzying highs of Hulkamania, the terrifying bottomless pit of lows that was Russo-era WCW, and even some hardcore creamy middle action in ECW. After many years of simply doing the show for fun, the lads have finally managed to earn a few quid by starting a Patreon campaign that seems to have the momentum of a runaway freight train. I managed to get in contact with the 2013 ‘Golden Nogger’ Award winning Best Host himself, Jay Hunter, to ask him about the genesis of the show, his thoughts on current wresting and where he sees the show going in the future.

Pollock; they pick a random event to review each week, but I wondered: what happens next? My favourite 'run' of theirs was covering the inVasion era (listen to it!) and I thought: “reviewing events chronologically was fantastic idea.” The video portion was spurred on by gaming vodcast, Epic Battle Axe; the visual element left a much stronger impression, and nobody was doing it for wrestling. Myself and the Steves were already writing up our thoughts (of TNA, no less) and we'd talk about wrestling/bollocks for hours anyway, so why not press record?

“we’d talk about wrestling/bollocks for hours anyway, so why not press record?”

- Did you originally plan to stop once you reached the end of the Hulkamania era, or did you want to keep going?

That's right! +100 paragon for you, sir. Our initial aim was always SummerSlam '92 (24 episodes) but 5+ shows before that we were already talking about what we'd do next.

Past OSW: - What was your inspiration for starting the show?

Obligatory shout-out to my main influence, Review-a-Wai by Wai Ting & John

- Did you have a plan for the style of the show or did you just let it grow and change organically?

OSW is a purely selfish endeavour - it's the show I wanted to see but didn't exist, so why

not make it? All the main elements are there from episode 1: bit of a history lesson, match-by-match breakdown, banter, Mean Gene + videogame music, visual gags and old Simpsons quotes. Kinda shocked people got on the trolley!

- Once you branched out to non-Hulkamania content, were you worried that you'd lose viewers?

It was risky to not just 'keep going' into the New Generation Era, but we desperately needed a change of scenery, so that was it really. I knew when people saw what we'd in store they'd love it; switching from early 90s cartoony WWF to late 90s Russo WCW was SO refreshing and invigorating. I wanted to get people to think better of David Arquette.

Hey, check it out - SHATAPPP! - Which episode did you have the most fun recording and why?

Either This Tuesday in Texas, or The Room.

Both shorter reviews (so there's less material to get through, meaning a more relaxed atmosphere) and we had a blast. This Tuesday in Texas, V1 floored us with the (Swedish) Nogger Bar, one of the rare times we had to stop recording from laughing too much, and we tore The Room to shreds, laughing and joking for about 2 hours.

- Did you ever finish recording an episode and think it wasn't that great, but

during editing found out that it was actually better than you thought?

What an interesting question! This perfectly describes No Holds Barred - the review we used as a tryout for Botchamania.com - and Starrcade '94, which came out way better than I remembered it. By the time I finish editing I really don't know if certain bits are funny/interesting anymore!

Current wrestling: - What is your opinion on the Final Deletion and the Broken Matt story in general? Was it good for TNA? Is Steve happy that his boy is one of the most beloved wrestlers of 2016?

It's fantastic; a career resurrection for Matt Hardy. TNA spent a lot of time mimicking WWE, and this is something that they can call their own - they should be very proud. I intentionally haven't asked V1's opinion on it.

- The WWE draft: Was it a good idea?

Has it turned out how you expected?

What's the biggest problem with modern WWE and how would you fix it?

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Interview by Jonathan Soltan Well, the draft is a business decision, so WWE can promote 19 PPVs a year instead of 12. It's way too much and teaches fans that shows are missable - who has time for an extra 3 hours of programming every month, on top of RAW, Smackdown, NXT, WWE and NXT PPVs, talk shows and preshows? Thankfully, WWE always deliver in-ring: 2016 is possibly the best overall in-ring quality we've ever had, with the exception of 2000 or the Smackdown 6 Era, if you discount that today's matches don't have storylines. It's just "do big moves on each other, plancha, suicide dive, near falls", but there's no reasoning behind why these moves were done, or working towards a goal (e.g weakening the arm in view of your cross arm-breaker finisher). The other thing that's bugging me lately is that WWE write these "reality promos", where they point out faults of booking, but WWE do nothing to fix it, so it becomes a bit hollow.

I'd love a focus on quality over quantity - for me, a 2-hour RAW and one Sunday Night Heat per week, one PPV per month is ideal.

People should want more of your content, not less.

The thing I love most about WWE today is their changed mindset (hiring talented indie/cruiserweight/international stars) and the Vault section of the Network; having access to all of the WCW PPVs, Nitros and a ton of historical content, it's phenomenal!

They recently uploaded the NWA ep showing highlights of Garvin winning the NWA title (Sept 26 & Oct 3, 1987) #GarvinForHOF

“2016 is possibly the best overall in-ring quality we’ve ever had”

I'd killed the show. The support is tremendously motivating and fills me with confidence. I still edit the same way, not sleeping properly for the week before release. Before NoggerU we were down to about 4 episodes per year, which sucked for me and our fans, and now we'll have a new episode every 4-6 weeks! This is my dream job - working on a show I love doing, with my two best friends in the world.

- How do you feel Kevin Owens has been doing as Universal Champion?

It's fantastic to see him with RAW's top honour! I'm saddened that himself and Seth are fighting over being Triple H's favourite child, although he hasn't been doing much as Seth/Aitch is the feud they're gearing towards. I LOVE his bromance with Chris Jericho! They work so well with each other - I'm looking forward to the jealous split and feud.

He's gonna get "it!"

- Given what you thought of her NXT debut, how do you feel about Becky Lynch being the top woman of Smackdown?

YEEEEOW! Ecstatic. So delighted for her, hilarious that she recently denounced her debut dancing leprechaun gimmick. Before the split she was booked as the gullible idiot that the others turned on (Paige, Charlotte, Natalya etc). Thankfully they've realised she's actually really talented, likeable and suited to be top babyface. It's surreal to have her, Finn and Sheamo all in WWE. I wish Finn wasn't injured so we'd have him and Becky as Universal & SD women's champions.

Current/Future of OSW:

- When you started, did you think you'd still be doing the show in 2016 and that it'd be bigger than ever?

It still boggles (hornboggles) my mind that people dig the show. It's the opposite makeup of big channels - Irishmen talking bollocks about wrestling from 20+ years ago for 90+ minutes, what a horrendous pitch, ha ha!

- Have you reached a sweet spot in terms of quality of episodes or do you still think there are things you can improve?

Ho-ho! What a great question. I'm cognisant of improving every aspect; whether it's audio fidelity, editing techniques or interesting/entertaining segments. If I can be a film wanker for a minute, David Fincher said "movies aren't finished, they're abandoned," which I how I feel about OSW. I'm never 100% happy with an episode. If I had my way I'd probably still be editing WrestleMania 1!

- On Patreon, you've reached your goal 22 times over. Were you expecting anywhere close to this reaction? Has it sunk in yet? How has it impacted your life?

It is fucking insane, in the best way. I was hoping for a couple of clams to help offset spending so much of my free time on OSW (e.g. over 100 hours put into Fall Brawl). I was so nervous when it launched, I thought

- All three of you are going to be making an appearance at Wrestlecon next year.

How does it feel knowing that you have such a large audience on the other side of the world?

It's all a bit embarrassing really! We've no aspirations to be popular or famous or any of that; I know people watch the show but it's hard to visualise it. Filling out our Comic Con panel last year was crazy; I was like "why?" and "I'm so sorry!" I’m still shocked so many Americans dig the show, as it's really random and outdated. Like, our bonus videos have Bruce Forsythe on it, because in the 80s on Play Your Cards Right he'd give out a little prize called a Brucie Bonus. OOC travels to America regularly, I visit it infrequently and V1 has never been, we're so excited! We'll be doing the live show Thursday and have a booth for a meet & greet on Friday. Talking to the promoter (shoutout to Brad of Gimmick Tree Entertainment) it's so weird to have three knobs from Ireland lumped in with actual wrestling legends! It's fucked!

- Any last words?

Penis. Em...Seriously, thank you for watching and supporting the show, we wouldn't be here today if it wasn't for you. So it's a goodbye from myself, Jay Hunter, and remember: a winner is you!

OSW Review is a wrest ling video podcast wit h more t han 50 episodes in its archive. All t he episodes can be found FOC (free of charge) on oswreview. com, and official t-sharts can be purchased on squaredcircle.com.

GAMING

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Upcoming Releases Rise of the Tomb Raider: 20th Anniversary Edition Hopefully, by the time you’re reading this, I’ll be playing this game. Knowing my luck with Amazon, though, probably not Assorted PSVR games Eight games released this past week with “VR” in the title, including Sportsbar VR. It sounds stupid, but the trailer actually makes it look fun. Basically “Lads Having the Craic” VR Skylanders: Imaginators The latest in Activision’s money-printing series comes out t- OH MY GOD, ACTIVISION, JUST GIVE ME A REAL SPYRO GAME! Battlefield 1 Playing trench warfare may not sound like too much fun but Zac Efron and Snoop Dogg play this game, so you should, too.

Mafia 3: Early Impressions Kieran Barrett - Kieran Barrett To say I was excited for the release of Mafia 3 is an understatement. The previous instalment in this series was, and still is, one of my favourite games of the last generation of consoles. Mafia 2 gave players the chance to rise through the ranks of the Italian mafia as you took control of Vito Scaletta, in the fictional city of Empire Bay. It was an enticing prospect, and it included everything you associate with the Italian mob: fast cars, expensive suits and plenty of blood and bullets. This time around, you play as Lincoln Clay, a mixed race Vietnam War veteran in New Bordeaux, the game’s fictional counterpart to New Orleans.

In the opening few hours of the game, it is clear to see that Mafia 3 doesn’t pull any punches with its themes. There is a strong focus on racism, prostitution, violence and drug trafficking. These sensitive subjects lend a sense of realism and weight to the setting in which Lincoln Clay finds himself. The game opens with a statement from Mafia 3’s developer, Hangar 13, which reads: “We find the racist beliefs, language, and behaviours of some characters in the game abhorrent, but believe it is vital to include these depictions in order to tell Lincoln Clay’s story.”

However abhorrent these actions are, it gives the player an idea what it was like to be a black person in the American South during the 60s, and kudos to the developers for not shying away from the task.

The game strives to differentiate itself from other action games by placing a large focus on world and character development. As

the player, you feel a sense of investment in the story of Lincoln Clay as he fights back after being betrayed by the Italian mob. The game is filled with fleshed out, three-dimensional characters which lend weight and consequence to the story. The settings vary from parades on the streets of New Bordeaux during Mardi Gras, to the alligator infested swamplands of the Bayou.

The atmosphere of the game is enhanced immeasurably by the wonderful soundtrack.

The Rolling Stones, Johnny Cash and Creedence Clearwater Revival are but some of the artists that the game uses to transport the player back to the 1960’s. On many occasions during my time with the game the soundtrack has enhanced my experience. For example, as I finished one of the missions, where I had to rob a warehouse, I was spotted and a witness alerted the police. As I hopped in my car Jimi Hendrix’s “All Along the Watchtower,” came on the radio. The ensuing chase was filled with explosions, drifts around corners and ramps which made me feel as if I was part of a Quentin Tarantino movie. It is a small touch by the developers to include so many famous songs from the era, yet it is one the best things about the game.

One of the ways Mafia 3 differs from its predecessor is that you now have 3 associates who all have their own motives in helping you take over the city. There is Cassandra; leader of the Haitian mob, Vito; who is also betrayed by the Italian mob in New Bordeaux, and Burke; leader of the Irish mob. As you progress through the story you take control of districts throughout the city and assign them to one of the three underbosses. This element adds a nice tension as if you continuously ig-

nore one of the three and do not assign any districts to them, they become frustrated and can even betray you. They then become a mini-boss in the game and you are forced to take them out. I have yet to discover whether it is possible to finish the game and keep all three alive and loyal to you, but it is something I look forward to discovering.

I wish I could say my experience with the game has been perfect so far, unfortunately however, it has not been. I’ve noticed several technical glitches in the opening few hours, such as textures popping in suddenly, the enemy AI getting stuck behind crates and barrels and the sky looking almost like lava inside a volcano. I have not encountered any crashes or game breaking bugs and so I hope that the developers are able to patch the minor issues I have experienced to make it a more fluid experience.

The gameplay itself is mostly unremarkable.

It will be very familiar to those that have played other third person shooters, like those in the Grand Theft Auto series. It mainly consists of running to cover, killing every enemy in sight, shooting the occasional red barrel and speeding off in your car. As you progress through the story, however, you unlock new upgrades for your crime family, such as the ability to call in a hit squad, disable enemy communications and even summon your own personal arms dealer. These upgrades set the game apart from the inevitable comparisons with other games in same genre, *cough* GTA V *cough.* Overall, the game is not without its faults but Hangar 13 have delivered a very enjoyable experience, and I look forward to exacting vengeance on the enemies of Lincoln Clay.

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gaming Editor - Jonathan Soltan Will Playstation VR be a Big Hit, Or Will It Hit Rock Bottom?

Jonathan Soltan - Gaming Editor When Oculus first started showing off their Rift headset a few years ago, all we heard was how virtual reality was going to be the next gamechanger for video games. This wasn’t going to be the false prophet that 3D televisions were, this was the real deal. Then HTC and Valve threw their hat (or headset) into the ring with the Vive, followed by Sony with what was then known as the Morpheus, now known simply as PlayStation VR. It all snowballed fairly quickly.

Then the Rift and the Vive actually got out into the wild. People like you and I could buy them and try them for ourselves. They were, and continue to be, bona fide consumer products. Gaming as we know it didn’t change radically, or at all really. Not that we all expected VR to be anything more than a niche product, especially in these early days, but I did think things may have changed just a little bit more.

It’s understandable, though. The Rift is €600 and the Vive is a crazy €800. Do you know anyone with a spare €800 to spend on a peripheral that gives you a questionable

improvement on your games? I sure as hell don’t. Add on to that the fact that you have to make sure that you have a PC that has the necessary specs needed to run it adequately.

And, of course, you’ll have to worry about the dreaded driver, the ever present roadblock in the way of you and your games; they’re more fiddly than ever once you introduce VR! Now, though, the final contender has entered the arena. PSVR has just released and, in my opinion, offers the best hope for VR as a

whole to break out from its current lot as the niche of a niche. It’s the cheapest on the market at €400 and is the easiest to set up. You also don’t have to worry about whether or not your machine can run the games properly since all the games will be optimised properly for PlayStation.

The system also has the considerable marketing might of Sony behind it, letting everyone who’s paying attention know that this thing is out there and that they should get it, because now you can actually be Batman. Not

like all those other times when we told you to “Be the Batman;” it’s for realsies this time.

It may not sound like it, but I am actually hopeful for PSVR and VR in general. I think it’s a great new way to play games and has many other application outside of that.

Hopefully the low price and ease of use of the PSVR helps bring VR into the public consciousness a bit more. I just wish I didn’t feel so certainly sure of the fact that the whole endeavour will die purely because people don’t like wearing big headsets on their faces.

Reaching the Darkest Dungeon (Part Two) Jonathan Soltan - Gaming Editor

about the game. It’s a uniquely satisfying dungeon crawler with a neat spin on the usual formula. The game also has no shortage of unique boss battles that force you to totally change how you approach battles. In one unfortunate instance I fought two pigmen. One was very large and had a little buddy hiding behind him. In my infinite wisdom, I decided to take out the small one first.

Darkest Dungeon is a game where failures compound incredibly quickly. A single moment of bad luck can multiply into a tragedy that can end a whole dungeon run and wipe out your whole group of adventurers.

Much like building a house of cards, playing Darkest Dungeon has you constantly on edge, terrified of slipping up even a little bit, lest the whole thing come crashing down.

While it may seem like an unfair game, it’s actually just a game that forces you to follow its rules. So many games now are forgiving, and let you play how you’d like. Darkest Dungeon forces you to figure out how the game wants you to play, and quickly. That’s not to say that’s all good. The game sometimes does a poor job of explaining exactly what some items or abilities do. Of course one could argue that, like Demon’s Souls, the fun is in figuring it all out for yourself.

One thing that is definitely not fun, though, is the UI controls. Being a PC game originally, the basic UI of the game is focused around windows where you drag and drop things around. It all works fine with a mouse, but it simply doesn’t work on a console. I got used to everything fairly quickly, but I feel like I’m constantly fighting the controls when I try and do anything more than the most basic of tasks. To be fair, every screen does have a very

handy menu that explains what every button on the controller does, but sometimes it’s just not enough. On more than one occasion I’ve had to give up, whip out my phone and search “How do I ____ in Darkest Dungeon?” because I simply couldn’t twist the menus into doing what I wanted them to.

Aside from the clunky menu controls, though, I don’t really have much bad to say

I decided that he was the far scarier one since he probably had some crazy magic that would destroy me if I left him alive too long. Luckily, I scored a critical hit on him and killed him in one shot at the very start of the fight.

I was very wrong. Dealing any damage at all to the little one caused his giant friend to fly into a rage and deal lots of damage to my entire group. Since I had killed the small one in one hit, the giant one was constantly enraged, dealing massive damage every turn. I managed to eventually bring him down after losing my highest level healer. Oh, the joys of exploring dungeons.

fashion

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My never ending battle with Halloween Costumes.

Iris Maher - Fashion Editor Every September, without fail, I start my search for the perfect halloween costume.

The problem? It doesn’t exist. I end up not finding one and deciding last minute or not deciding it all. This year will be different (I hope). Here are my favourite costume idea’s I’ve heard this year: The ‘Enchantress’ from Suicide Squad. All everyone seems to be talking about is Harley Quinn, but the Enchantress costume looks way more impressive, and I think it would be easier to create from home. Just imagine lots of black eyeliner: the messier the better.

The lovely ‘black bin bag’ costume. A throwback to when none of us had real costumes. Maybe go all out with some red lipstick plastered on your face to mimic ‘blood’.

Lastly, and my favourite one, is Karen from ‘Mean Girls’.

A pair of mouse ears and a black dress and you’re a mouse, duh.

Iris Maher - Fashion Editor Gucci did not necessarily suffer from a style decline in recent years, but it hasn’t been as popular as, say Yves Saint Laurent, or the perpetually fashionable Chanel. This has recently changed dramatically, and in a short amount of time. It’s the accessories that have seen the biggest revival - from colourful adorned handbags, to the simple black belt featuring the iconic Gucci logo.

What has caused this recent explosion?

As a luxury brand, exclusivity is the name of the game. In Ireland, Gucci is sold through Brown Thomas, at a lone concession stand on Grafton Street, and in Kildare Village.

Second-hand pieces can be found in consignment stores across the country. One of the most popular of these stores is Siopella, based in Dublin and online. If it is so difficult to come across, is it its exclusivity that has made Gucci so popular?

“As a luxury brand, exclusivity is the name of the game. ” Classic black gucci loafers are a heavily sought after item at the moment with high street shops such as River Island copying the trend.

The loafers are at the lower end of the price spectrum, starting at €495 for the ‘Princetown Leather Slipper’, with some

of the more elaborate shoes reaching the €2000 mark. Is the guts of five hundred euro an insane amount to spend on a pair of shoes just because they are popular right now?

It is difficult to pinpoint the exact cause of the recent popularity. Maybe it is just another wave that has sent the fashion world into a frenzy, but at the moment Gucci are covering all their bases, from the basics to quirky pieces. This is due to a change in management in January 2015 when Alessandro Michele was ap- p o i n t e d as Creative Director.

Michele injected an element of fun into the company, mixing bright colours and pop art designs set against the classic double ‘G’ emblem. The basic design of most pieces have remained traditionally the

same. Maybe it’s the balance between the old and the new that has Gucci’s following ever growing; I don’t know. What I do know is that fashion is fickle. Gucci may be heading down the same route as Dolce & Gabbana, whose collection each season seem to be the same as the last.

“Maybe it’s the balance between the old and the new that has Gucci’s following ever growing”

Princetown Leather Slipper Dionysus GG Supreme Canvas Shoulder Bag

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FASHION Editors - Kenneth Nwaezeigwe and Iris Maher

What’s Hot This Winter?

Pariah Artistry

In this article we’ll be counting down the top 3 outerwear trends in this year’s Autumn/Winter lookbook. Whether it’s a must-have, or simply something to add to your wardrobe, I’ve selected what I feel are the top 3 styles in men’s coats that have emerged this Autumn.

“Outerwear took off its glasses, shook out its hair and went wild.

There were fur trims. There were mother-wouldn’t-approve patterns. There was enough embroidery to make your bank manager choke.” Tom Banham, FashionBeans Associate Editor.

There were a variety of styles on the runway, some a little more daring than others, and some a little more sober. It seems like this year, designers took things a step further, refusing to play it safe. This season’s coats are all about making a statement, so make sure to find one that compliments you and your style.

FAUX FUR What was once considered a style exclusive to women has crept its way into men’s fashion over the last couple of

years, becoming a sophisticated and smart outerwear option. Over time the style has been adopted in various ways, some more eccentric than others, becoming an eye catcher on the streets, which is why finding the right fur piece that compliments you can be tricky.

A lot of people opt out of the rising trend, fearing that it might be a dive regarding their masculinity. In this day and age where skinny fit jeans, oversized jumpers and even crop tops are all on the market for men, the fashion scene is changing and men are embracing this look, loud and proud.

BOMBER JACKET Bomber jackets have certainly come a long way. It’s a style that has become effortless and easy to pull off - so much so, that it’s made its way into almost every fashion lookbook, season after season. The once heavy leather, military pilot jacket has become an essential piece in menswear, coming in a variety of styles, patterns, and colours. This A/W is no different. The bomber jackets are here to stay, whether worn on top of a shirt and tie to complement a smart outfit, or just worn on top of a sweater or hoodie for a

casual look.

“One of our favourite looks for fall is wearing a hoodie under a bomber jacket” - Jake Woolf, GQ style writer.

“A man is only as good as his trench coat. it completes every thought” - Raury for Noisey, an upcoming musician and fashion icon.

Amen, Raury! Not sure about it completing every thought, but it certainly completes an outfit. The overcoat has proven its worth and immortality time and time again at this stage, never really dying out. With its smart look and its refined and sophisticated appeal, it’s no wonder why the overcoat makes an appearance every Autumn/Winter.

An overcoat is basically an extended blazer, in that finding one that is tailored to your fit and suits you well is essential to pull off the neat and mature look.

An overcoat isn’t something you should have to buy year-in, year-out; a better option would be to invest in one that will do you for the next couple of years. This doesn’t mean forking over half your paycheck, but maybe spending a little over your budget. A quality overcoat just can’t be beaten. It’s the ultimate item to have in your wardrobe for every cold season.

Humour

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Politics: We’re not saying she’s a supervillain, but have you ever seen Theresa May and Doctor Doom together in the same place?

Crime: Wealthy businessmen continue to get away with sometimes literal - murder Education: Student, 20, swears she’ll start assignment tomorrow for 17th day in a row Science: Researchers looking into why it only seems to rain when you don’t bring your umbrella Lifestyle: Could a common household object be KILLING you? Buy our €13.99 monthly subscription to find out Literature: Guy has great idea for novel at 3AM, promptly forgets it TV LISTINGS RTÉ Two, Friday @ 9PM: Finding Nemo, updated for 2016. Runtime: 20 minutes.

Turns out he’s much easier to find now that we’ve destroyed his environment

Team Player Dylan O’Connell - Sports Editor While the seeds of our relationship were sown circa 2000, it wasn’t until 2012 when it would blossom. Now, it has been roughly 16 years at the terraces (excluding 2005-2011) and in our teenage years after the angst spell of “I HATE FOOTBALL! YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND ME!” we are once again happily interlinked in our “growing old together” phase.

How do you stay together after so long? How do you still love each other after all this time?

Any hints? How do you know if it’s the right one for you?

Well, how can you love your partner? You can’t shout at them all day and expect to be loved. You can go to them once a week and not cast them a thought every other day, and take the 90 minutes of passion for granted. You’re not allowed call them after a five-hour bus trip to a random County to tell them that they don’t know what they’re doing. You certainly can’t visit your rivals. Please, love your football club. Love your partner.

Nothing will reignite your passions like visiting other clubs, and realising how good you have it back home. I have seen many wonders of this island, from my visitations to Mountjoy Prison, to Kildare’s Number One Attraction - Junction 14 - and the chippers of Sligo. I Supermac’s and Curry Chips-ed my way from place to place and still have a rather healthy BMI. Though you’re freezing in Bray or your

mother is ringing you in Tallaght to put your jacket on because “YOU’LL CATCH YOUR DEATH ON TELLY!” or even getting looks in Dublin as you wander past the prison in a Cork top; your passion burns.

“Please, love your football club. Love your partner.”

Home is where you make your voice felt. To sit in the same seat, the same terrace, day in day out is pride and place. You almost become furniture. At home, you savour moments. Greeting the Northern Irish fans with, “You’re only here for the passports” a week after Brexit was nice. Chanting “Are you Mr. Blobby” at a mid-

dle-aged goalkeeper from Athlone who had his shorts on backwards wasn’t nice.

“Chanting “Are you Mr. Blobby” at a middle-aged goalkeeper” Wear your colours with pride. I am the wanker who wears a League of Ireland top to a bourgeoisie friendly university. I can’t name half the Munster team or talk about my old school fees; but I can tell you where I was that night in ’05. I am a person fighting his insecurities each day. For 90 minutes on a Friday I am with people who like me. We all want the same goals. It makes every down day and sleep-

less night worth it.

Local woman traumatised after being told her conception took “a whole weekend” Maggy May Rosalyn - Humour Writer A local woman has been receiving medical treatment following the admission by her parents that she took “a whole weekend to make”.

Cordelia Crawford, 23, was found huddled in the corner of her room by concerned housemates at 4pm on Friday 14th of October.

Although physically unharmed, the victim was in severe psychological distress, and was transferred immediately to Cork University Hospital.

Friends of the affected have spoken with police regarding the timeline of events prior to Ms Crawford’s disappearance at approximately 10 pm on Wednesday the 12th. “She said she was going to ring her parents and that she’d be back in a few minutes,” one source close to the

victim explained. “She never came back, and we thought she’d just gone to bed, but when no one had heard from her by Thursday night, we raised the alarm. We had no way of knowing it was this bad until we found her on Friday”.

Ms Crawford shared her traumatic experience with a reporter from the UCC Express. “I was just laughing and joking with my parents on the phone. I had been watching “Embarrassing Bodies” that day, and was telling them some of the funnier things from it. When I mentioned a woman had gone in after having a baby, my mother took the opportunity to tell me that I ‘took a whole weekend to make’ and ‘thank god we didn’t have any other children, otherwise they’d have been left to their own devices’.

At first, I didn’t realise the magnitude of what she had said, and ended the call normally; but as I went to back into the sitting room, I collapsed on the floor, mental images of my parents’ flabby bodies flailing against each oth-

er…” (The interview was cut short at this point, as the victim became inconsolable and had to be sedated by doctors).

When asked for comment, the Lead Psychiatrist in the case, Dr Peter Foil, said: “Trauma is relative. When different circumstances affect different people, there is no knowing how they will react. This is a severe case, but knowing the abuse of power involved, I wouldn’t be surprised if the patient has significant consequences to deal with in the coming months and years. Sexual dysfunction is most likely, along with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. We will do our best to ensure the patient recovers to the best of their ability, but after abuse of this magnitude, it is difficult to tell”.

Ms Crawford is currently receiving inpatient treatment in the psychiatric ward in CUH. Her parents were unavailable for comment.

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HUMOUR Editor - Lauren Mulvihill

Waiting Game Tadhg O’Mahoney - Humour Writer Location: Innishannon, Main Street. I’m sitting on the cold concrete window ledge of Wolfe and Co. solicitors. Glancing to my right at the steady flow of oncoming traffic, I see only cars and return my gaze to the grey pavement slabs. A minute and a half later, I turn my head again southwards, my eyes attempting to draw a number 237 bus from beyond the horizon. I worm my hand into my jacket pocket to retrieve my phone, pressing the lock button so the time flashes up on the screen. 7.46 a.m. I mutter a “for feck’s sake” to myself and shove the mobile back into my jacket with hands that are quickly becoming numb.

It’s a Monday morning, and I’ve been sat waiting for the 07.29 a.m. bus to Cork city for over twenty minutes. I’d like to say that this is the first case of unpunctuality I have experienced at the hands of our national bus company but, since returning to university three weeks ago, I have yet to catch a bus that has arrived less than ten minutes after it was scheduled to do so. As the clock ticks past ten to eight on this particularly frigid morning, I feel the lure of my cosy bed grow with every second that drips by.

A red and white bus finally comes into view at 07.54 a.m. Myself and the three other irritated prospective passengers rise to our feet, glad to be getting out of the cold. Then, as I turn to face our approaching means of conveyance, my heart sinks. “Sorry. Bus full”. The hissing vehicle stops alongside us and one measly passenger is seen to alight. The heartless driver proclaims

from his cushioned throne: “One person only, please.” Of course, we allow an elderly woman to board - even if she had arrived only ten minutes earlier. The driver attempts to placate us, assuring us that another bus is following closely behind. I think to myself that it’s probably the 10.30 p.m. from last night, arriving just behind schedule. He then swiftly departs, perhaps fearing a hijacking from myself and my two remaining comrades, shivering beside me.

“I feel the lure of my cosy bed grow with every second that drips by. ” As they pull away, I again check the time; 8.01 a.m. If the next bus arrives soon, I may still make my nine o’clock lecture. I can see my companions making similar calculations in their heads, weighing up whether to risk another thirty minute wait or whether to start tackling the journey at a swift jog. After a moment’s contemplation, decisions seem finalised. The young woman, who looks to be in her early twenties, suddenly darts back along the pavement and turns up a side street, her business heels clicking as she power walks home to beg for a lift from a sleepy Mom or Dad. Though maybe she’s just thought: “fuck it”, and has gone to lie in bed and watch Gossip Girl, deciding she cares more about the sexual frivolity of Serena Van Der Woodsen than she does for her internship at EMC. This tangent of thought is cut off as I notice that the other member of our trio has decided to stay. I notice now, as he sits on the far end of the ledge, that his bag bears a UCC crest on its flank. It matches the one emblazoned on the breast of my hoodie. This common ground

somehow cements us as brothers-in-arms. Two students, burdened with the task of attending our nine o’clock lectures; a feat, only achievable by overcoming the wholly inadequate rural bus services of our country. I feel gratified that the strife I face is not only my own. I attempt to ratify this newly bound connection by nodding my head skywards and saying: “What a load a shite, huh” and tutting in a fraternal kind of way. Softly shaking his head and, in a manner only slightly perturbed, he replies: “Some dose, alright”. He then turns back to the phone held in his hand and continues to scroll placidly through his Facebook newsfeed.

It seems I may have romanticised our shared despondence of the Irish transport system and am about to become even more forlorn when another bus breaches the horizon and saves my mood. I whisper a quick, “Thank Christ!” and sling my bag over my shoulder. I’m about to make some congenial remark to my waiting-mate but as I turn I catch sight of the front of the bus: “You have to be joking me!”

I don’t manage to keep this one to myself.

“Bus fecking full!”

I remain where I’m standing, immediately next to the bus stop. If one passenger gets off that bus, I’ll fight anyone to the death to obtain their vacated seat. I don’t care if Rosa Parks is waiting patiently in line behind me, I’m getting on that bus. The traffic is moving at little more than a creep, so the driver gets a prolonged view of my shaking purple face as he drives on past us with not even an apologetic wave in our direction.

As the bus crawls away my vision blurs and my clothes begin to tear as my muscles expand and

turn green beneath them. In one deft movement, I leap thirty feet into the air and land directly in front of the departing vehicle. With a swift swipe of my right hand, I tear the windscreen from its fixings and smash it against a nearby wall. The muffled words: “That will be ten euro forty return” Are lost as I grab the driver from his snug seat and start stuffing ticket stubs down his throat.

Actually, that didn’t happen. What did occur, as I watched the last bus that would deliver me to college on time disappear, was that I became very silent and closed my eyes. After about ten seconds my stoicism abandoned me and I let out an audible: “Bollox!” and lay my face in my freezing hands. This was going to be the year when I put my heart into my course and really started working. I had dreams of achieving a one hundred percent attendance record. Did Bus Éireann not see that they were making this goal extremely difficult to attain? I lowered my hands from my face. I was now alone, my confrere having deserted me without so much as a fist bump. Defeated, I trudge back towards my place of residence, slip into bed and resume the episode of Gossip Girl, paused from the previous evening.

“I had dreams of achieving a one hundred percent attendance record.”

They say a sure sign of insanity is when someone repeats the same act over and over again and expects a different result every time. But sure, tomorrow’s Tuesday. The buses will surely be quieter.

Fiction

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FICTION Editor - Sophie Mckenzie

Calliphora Vomitoria Claire O’Connor There, a sharp shard of light still filtering through the thin curtains. It irritates me more than it should. I had closed those myself. My own fault for being sloppy, and half-asleep and sick. I’m not getting up, not yet. My feet still feel soft, full of sand, and the carpet’s cheap itchy shag. I’m easing myself down the slope of consciousness at this point. Almost a week and still the most interesting thing in my world are the pill bottles beside me on the bedside cabinet. With every passing day I come up with a new slew of metaphors, a small pamphlet of similes; soldiers, sentinels, towers, lighthouses. Prisons, grain silos, alarm clocks and amplifiers; every morning the sunlight filters through their stubby amber-plastic bodies, dulled to a hazy glare. I wonder how long it’ll be before I start to dream in pill bottles. My gaze had

slid to the sloping ceiling, following the dented curve as though my eyes were on a groove, rolling back every time they hit the walls. Fever and drugs are still rattling behind my eyes, but the clamour is receding, giving way to an almost inviting blankness.

I look back at the pill bottles, and see him squatting on the lid of the nearest one. He’s incandescent in the dimming light, outlined in shimmers of green and blue. As his wings twitch he rubs his face daintily, looks up. I swear he stares at me good and hard, and for the briefest instant I am terrified.

Half-hypnotized I follow him around the room with my eyes as he dances away from the perch on the pill bottle, jinking upwards to the naked light bulb on the ceiling. He briefly lights upside down and ambles in drunken circles before dropping to zig-zag, whining, above the floor, as I lose sight of him. Almost as soon as I do his friend makes

himself known. He’s more hesitant, moving in twitchy bursts across the wall before committing himself to the stale air.

He heads for the opposite wall, collides with his brother, circles and hums upward in a dizzying spiral.

The others sneak forward as I watch the dance. The curtains move despite the lack of breeze, and the multitudes swarm in.

They don’t come in single file, or all at once. It seems to me that they diffuse into the room on crest of a wave made of their own bodies. The droning that has been steadily building peaks to a roar that drowns out my own scream. There is a touch of jackhammer in there, thunder and drill too, but mostly one pulsing, throbbing hideous buzz that rises and rises and smothers me as the flies settle.I’m not conscious of each individual

fly as it lands – it is one entity, descending piecemeal on me over me, taking its sweet, sweet time. At this point all I am aware of is the noise, the noise and the heat, all of it shattering, surrounding me and melting me into the mattress. I can’t move, and if I’m still screaming, the noise is lost in the buzzing chaos. I dimly recognize movement on my tongue. They’re in my mouth.

Now everything is black, and I’m vibrating in time with the drone. Everything recedes, even the heat. The final piece of the puzzle settles on my face, and it is done.

food

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FOOD Editor - Xander Cosgrave

Make Pasta, like, three ways; because you love pasta.

Zander Cosgrave - Food Editor

Carbonara

Bolognese Sauce.

Serves 2 (You, and that person you want to impress)

I won't judge you when you eat it by youself.

No really. This is Bolognese.

Prep time, like ten minutes, tops. Cooking time, 45min+.

What you need.

A pot.

A pan.

A knife and Board.

Ingredients 200 Grm of Ground Beef.

4-5 Rashers - or Pancetta if you can get it. (lol) A Glass of Red wine/ Equivalent amount of Porter/Stout/Ale 70ish MLs Milk (two Shots worth) A Carrot A stick of Celery A medium Onion 2 Tablespoons of Tomato Puree A cup of water (Or stock, if you have it.)

Parmesan (As much as you want) Salt and Pepper 400g pasta of your choice 1. Chop Everything. Including the Bacon/ Pancetta. Fry the meat until it browns (This is called the Maillard Reaction, it adds flavour to meat) Once the meat

Cheesy Creamy Pasta.

4 servings approx. (If you eat it all at once, ‘approx.’ means i’m not wrong) Alfredo- Ish. Prep time, 15 minutes, Cooking time, 15 minutes.

What you need A knife and Board.

A small pot.

A medium pot.

A fork or whisk.

Ingredients 2 tablespoons of flour.

There’s literally no cream in Carbonara Cooking time, 10 minutes.

What you need.

A pot.

A pan.

A knife and Board.

A Cup. A cheese grater.

browns add the veg you chopped.

2. Caramelize all your veg, don’t burn it, but get it brown. Once this happens, add the wine, and cook it off for a few minutes on a medium heat.

3. Once the wine cooks, add the tomato puree, stir it around to coat everything, and then add the milk and water. Make sure everything is incorporated together, there’s no clumps of tomato Puree and so on, and then taste it with a teaspoon. Add salt and pepper to your taste.

4. Turn it down. Low as you can, put a lid/

piece of tinfoil/ plate over it and leave it simmer. Give it a half hour, but if you can give it more, that’s top notch.

5. Put it on whatever pasta you want. Cover it in Parmesan. Enjoy.

3 tablespoons of butter 2 cloves of garlic.

1&½ cups of milk.

100 Grams of Parmesan or Cheddar.

Salt & Pepper 400 grams of your favourite pasta.

low, and stir it occasionally while you make the pasta. Once the pasta is done, put it back in the pot you cooked it in and let it cool for a minute.

4. (While your pasta is cooling, if you want you can turn off the heat on your sauce and mix and egg yolk through, it makes it extra creamy and delicious). Pour your sauce over the pasta and toss it through, try to get an even coating covering as much as you can. You can also throw some fresh parsley in now as well to give it a fresher flavour.

Optional extras Cooked Chopped Chicken or Bacon.

Chopped Spinach.

A few leaves of parsley.

1 egg yolk 1. Chop your garlic finely and throw it into your small pot, add the butter and gently apply heat till the butter all melts. Next add your flour and mix it with the butter and garlic, cook it for about a minute, or until it bubbles a little.

2. Next add your milk, slowly, making sure to stir constantly so that the sauce doesn’t get lumpy, once this is all in, add the cheese. You can also add your cooked meat or chopped spinach here. Add salt and pepper to taste.

3. Turn down the heat on your sauce to very

Tips This is pretty close to how Italians make Ragu Bolognese, There’s no herbs and shit, all the flavour comes from the booze, and the browned meat.

That’s it, it’s just basic ingredients cooked together. Really.

Tips This sauce can also be used with spuds, it’s delicious with them. Cooking up a little butter and flour is called ‘making a Roux’ and you can use it to make any sauce thicker.

If you make this basic sauce, you can add extra cheese and it makes a great dip for tortillas.

You can replace the butter with a mix of olive oil and sunflower, but not just olive oil, because it’s too dense. If you don’t add cheese, you have a pretty simple creamy sauce, which you can use with loads of stuff.

Ingredients 200g Pasta (Though Tagliette is best) 4 pieces of streaky Bacon/ 100G pancetta 90 G Parmesan/ Hard Cheese grated 2 egg yolks.

Olive oil.

A generous pinch of Black Pepper.

1. Cook your pasta, you pasta cooker you. Grate your cheese, chop that meat.

2. Fry the meat in some olive oil, get it crispy. Mix up your egg yolks, pepper and cheese.

3. Once the pasta is cooked, drain it. Take the meat off the heat for about a minute. Toss the pasta and the meat together in whatever container you have that works best. Then mix in the yolk mixture. Make sure there’s an even egg coating over the pasta.

4. Add more cheese if you want.

Tips.

This is just pasteurising an egg, you can swap out the meat for a chopped spinach or something if you want, but egg yolk is a great base for a really quick sauce. Once you nail these guys, you are like halfway to being a pasta boss.

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GAEILGE

ISSUE 03 | UCC Express

Gaeltacht na hOllscoile Aoife Nic Gearailt, Pádraig Ní Dhonabháin, Laura Nic Mhathúna. Ó a thógadh Áras Uí Thuama sa bhlian 2006, níl an lóistín ach ag treisiú bliain i ndiadh mbliana. Bloc de naoi arasáin atá i gceist, suite i University Halls. Leasainmnaítear an áit “Gaeltacht na hOllscoile” agus “mion-Ghaeltacht” ó a d’oscail an bloc deich mbliain ó shin. Is í cur chun cinn na Gaelinne i measc daltaí na hollscoile an aidhm is mó a theastaíonn ón mbainisteoireacht a bhaint amach.

Chuthas féin i mbun cainte le beirt iar-lonnaiteoirí faoin Áras, Laura Nic Mhathúna agus Padraig Ó Dhonabháin, daltaí Teangacha Domhanda, Dara Bhliain. “Mar Ghaeilgeoir paiseanta a bhí ag teacht go UCC chun staidéar a dhéanamh ar an nGaeilge, b’é Áras Uí Thuama an rogha is soiléire dom nuair a bhíos ag déanamh machnaimh ar an áit ina mbéadh cónaí ormsa sa chéad bhliain san Ollscoil. Bhí mé ar míre le háthas nuair a fuair mé amach gur éirigh liom áit a fháil ann.” a dúirt Laura. “Theastaigh uaim a bheith i’m chónaí san Áras de bharr nár

theastaigh uaim í a chailliúnt, cé nach rabhas ag déanamh staidéar uirthi.” a chuir Padraig leis “Bhí mo chroí istigh inti agus mé ar scoil agus do theastaigh uaim í a labhairt le linn an saoil laethúil sa bhaile.”

Suite i ngiorracht screas asail ón gcoláiste, is sár suíomh é do daltaí atá ag freastal ar UCC. “Níl teorainn ar na háiseanna atá ar fáil ann.”Is deacair a rá an rud is mó a thaitin liom faoin Áras,” a luaigh Pádraig, “ach sé mo bharúil gurb é an firic gur bhuaileas le mo dhluth cara ann, agus go raibh Clár agus Nuala de shíor ag cur céad míle fáilte romham.” Chuir Laura lena thuairim. “Ó mo thaobhse, b’é an rud is fearr faoi bheith i mo chónaí ann ná gur bhuail mé le go leor daoine nua, deasa agus rinne mé an-chuid cairde nua.

Os a choinne sin, tháinig barr fheabhas ar mo chuid Gaeilge labhartha ós rud é go raibh sí á labhairt agam ar bhonn laethúil.

Lóistín fíor dheas atá i gceist chomh maith le háiseanna den scoth, a bhfuil suite i mBrú na hOllscoile ar Chrois Victoria, 15 nóimead ón gColáiste.” .

B’éigin dos na 25 mic léinn atá ag lon-

Gaeltacht Cheanada

Aoife Nic Gearailt - Eagarthóir Gaeilge De gnáth nuair a thagann an téarma “Gaeltacht” chun cinn, smaoinítear ar Iarthair na hÉireann céilithe is feirmeacha. Ní smaoinítear riamh ar tír ar nós Ceanada agus Gaeltacht forbartha, lán de spriod acu. Ar an 16ú Lúnusa 2007 sin go díreach cad a thárla - osclaíodh an phlota 62 acra, Gaeltacht Bhaile na hÉirean in, i Tamsworth, Ontario - an chéad Gaeltacht oifigiúl lasmuigh d’Éireann. Cé nach bhfuil aon cónaitheach ag cur futhu inti, baintear leas aisti mar suíomh a chaitheamh le labhairt na Gaelinne a spreagadh i Meirceá Thuaidh.

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Nuair a chuagh na hÉireannaigh ar imirce chuig Ceanada, lonnaigh scairt dóibh i Erinsville, cathair i ngiorracht scread asal ó Tamsworth. Ón bhliain 1826, d’éiligh na hÉireannaigh Tamsworth mar a mbaile dhúcais féin.

Bhí na céad cúigear árdmhéaraí den áit ó Éire. Ní féidir an nasc idir an áit agus Éire a shéanadh!

Glac Cumann na Gaeltachta rannpháirt i mbunú na Gaeltachta. Bunaithe ag Aralt Mac Giolla Chainnigh sa bhliain 1994, b’é aidhm an cumann chun an Ghaeilge a speagadh i dTuaisceart Meircéa agus na Gaelgóirí uilig a aontú. Sa bhliain 2006, bhailigh Mac

nú san loistín, a bheith de shíor ag plé trí mhéan ár dteanga dhúchais, imeachtaí a eagrú agus freastal ar na himeachtaí a eagraítear i rith na bliana, ar nós Bál na Gaeilge. Dúirt Pádraig liom go raibh ceilí acu, go d’fhéachadar ar Harry Potter i dteannta a chéile agus gur chuadar amach le haghaidh béile le chéile. “Bíonn ar an té a fhanann san Áras imeachtaí a eagrú le linn na bliana chun an Ghaeilge a spreagadh. I measc na n-imeachtaí a bhíonn acu, bíonn cóisirí, céilithe, turais Giolla Chainnigh, a bhean chéile agus roinnt deontóirí eile a gcuid airgid le chéile agus cheannaíodar an plota 62 acra. Leis an deontas 20,000 a bhfuaireadar ó Eamon Ó Cúiv agus ó Rialtas na hÉireann, bhí dóthan maoin acu ah Ghaeltacht a fhorbairt agus a threisiú. In agallamh leis an BBC luaigh Mac Giolla Chainnigh gur áit é a cheanglaíonn Gaelgóirí le chéíle, cibe áit as a thánadar. “It’s a place where they can go when they want to regenerate their cultural batteries and, especially, to come back into contact with the language.

Bíonn imeachtaí de shíor ar siúl san Ghaeltacht. Bíonn a nOireachtas féin acu. Chuile bhliain ó a d’oscail an Ghaeltacht, Tiomnaítear deireadh seachtaine ina iomlán don féile. Is iomaí ceardlann, céilí, ceoltóir is craic a bhíonn i láthair le linn na deireadh seachtaine. Freastlaíonn Cumann na Gaeltachta, Comharchumann Sealbhóirí na Gaeltachta agus scairt Canadian Irish Language Organizations ar an Oireachtas.

Níl dabht ar bith faoin spéir nach treisóidh an Ghaeltacht iontach seo, a scapann cumacht na Gaelinne agus an spriod atá nascaithe leí. Más fiú é a dhéanamh, is fiú é a dhéanamh i gceart!

go drámaí áitiúla, Bál na Gaeilge, oíche scannáin agus mar sin de.” a scaip Laura.

“Dá bhféadfainn rud a athrú faoin scéim seo, chuirfinn níos mó áiteanna ar fáil do mhac léinn, mar ní bhíonn níos mó ach 25 áit ar fáil de réir mar a thuigimse. Ag an am chéanna áfach, bhí sé go deas a bheith páirteach go dlúth le dream daoine a raibh fonn acu an Ghaeilge a scaipeadh agus í a chur chun cinn, agus táim fíor ríméadach go raibh cónaí ormsa ann ar feadh an chéad bhliain.”

Halloween - Oíche Shamhna Ghost - Púca/Taibhse Trick or treat - Cleas nó coir!

Pumpkin - Puimcín Sweets - Milseáin Spooky - Spúiceach/Taibhsiúil Witch - Cailleach What are you dressing up as? - Cén culaith a mbeidh á chaitheamh agat anocht?

You out tonight for Halloween?

- An mbeidh tú ag dul amach le haghaidh Oíche Shamhna?

Barn brac - Bairín breac

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ENTS

Society Events

For up-to-date listings go to Lowdown.netsoc.co, with new events announced every day Tuesday 18th: Yule Ball Ticket Sales - Harry Potter Society - 9am, Boole Library EGM / Get Involved - Simon Community Society - 6pm, Civil Eng 1 Photography 101 - Photographic Society - 7pm, Elec Eng L1

ISSUE 03 | UCC Express

Weekly Rehearsals - Choral Society 7pm, Geography Lecture Theatre Smash Bros. Tournament - Netsoc 7pm, SU Common Room Native American Culture, History & Whitewashing - Mythological Society 7:30pm, Kane G19

Thursday 20th: Bake Sale - Geological Society - 12pm, Boole Library Weekly Gaming - WARPS - 7pm, WGB G08 Sleep Out for Accoms Crisis - UCC Sinn Féin - 10pm, College Road Gates

Wednesday 19th: Lunchtime Trad Concert - Trad Music Society - 1pm, Seomra Caidreamh, ORB Model UN: Colombian Peace Process - IR Society - 6pm, Council Chambers (North Wing) Branch Meeting - UCC Labour - 7pm, TBA Career & Guidance Talk - Geological Society - 7pm, KaneG18 Stammtisch - German Society - 8pm, Franciscan Well SFX Make-Up Workshop - Photographic Society - 8pm, Food Science A1

Friday 21st: Internationals Go To Galway - Int Student Society - 9am, Galway Masquerade Ball - Sci-Fi Society - 9pm, Imperial Hotel Monday 24th: Law Week - Law Society - ALL WEEK Screening: Look Who’s Back? - German Society - 8pm, ORB 101 Trad Night - Traditional Music Society - 8:15pm, UCC Old Bar Medhunt - Medical Society - 10pm, The Bowery Nightclub Tuesday 25th:

Club Training Times:

For more up-to-date listings, including additional training times, go to sport. ucc.ie/timetable Mondays: Aikido - Hall 2, Mardyke Arena - 4:30pm Badminton - Hall 2 & Hall 3, Mardyke Arena - 6pm Basketball - Hall 2, Mardyke Arena 8:30pm Boxing - Studio 7, Mardyke Arena - 8:30pm Chess - Aras na Laoi, G18 - 6:30pm Cricket - PBC Sports Hall - 6pm Dance (Beginner Jazz) - Studio 7, Mardyke Arena - 7:30pm Darts - New Bar, UCC - 7pm Fencing - Hall 1, Mardyke Arena - 7pm In-Line Hockey - PBC Sports Hall - 8pm Judo - Hall 1, Mardyke Arena - 8:30pm Kickboxing - Hall 3, Mardyke Arena 8:30pm

Mountaineering - Climbing Wall, Mardyke Arena - 8:30pm Powerlifting - Elite Squad Gym, Mardyke Arena - 8:30am Rowing (indoor) - Studio 7, Mardyke Arena - 4pm Rugby (Ladies) - Squad Gym, Mardyke Arena - 7:30am Soccer (Ladies) - Synthetic Pitch, Mardyke - 8pm Squash - Mardyke Arena - 7:10pm Waterpolo - Mardyke Arena Pool - 10:30pm Tae-Kwon-Do - Studio 1, Mardyke Arena - 8pm Tennis - Sundays Well Tennis Club - 7pm Trampoline - Hall 1, Mardyke Arena - 5pm Ultimate Frisbee - Synthetic Pitch, Mardyke - 4pm

Tuesdays: Athletics - Mardyke Arena Running Track - 6pm Dance (Beginner Irish) - Studio 4, Mardyke Arena - 7:30pm Juggling & Acrobalance - Studio 1, Mardyke Arena - 9pm JuJutsu - Studio 1, Mardyke Arena - 7:30pm Karate - Hall 1, Mardyke Arena - 6pm Kung Fu - Studio 5, Mardyke Arena - 8pm Olympic Handball - Hall 1, 2 & 3, Mardyke Arena - 4pm Olympic Weightlifting - Elite Squad Gym, Mardyke Arena - 3pm Powerlifting - Elite Squad Gym - 5pm Rugby (Mens) - The Farm, Curraheen

Road - 6pm Soccer (Mens) - Synthetic Pitch, Mardyke - 4pm Swimming - Mardyke Arena Pool - 7pm Sub Aqua - Mardyke Arena Pool - 10:30pm Volleyball - Halls 2 & 3, Mardyke Arena - 6pm Wednesdays: Archery - Electrical Engineering L1 - 7pm Aussie Rules - The Farm, Curraheen Road - 6:30pm Basketball - Hall 3, Mardyke Arena - 7pm Canoe - Mardyke Arena Pool - 10:30pm Cricket - PBC Sports Hall - 6pm Dance (Beginner Hip-hop) - Studio 4, Mardyke Arena - 8:30pm Equestrian - Mardyke Arena Track - 7pm Kickboxing - Hall 1, Mardyke Arena - 7pm Motorcycle - Workshop, Cooperage (Sundays Well/North Mall) - 7:30pm Soccer (Ladies) - The Farm, Curraheen Road - 6:30pm Table Tennis - Hall 1, Mardyke Arena 5pm Thursdays: Aikido - Hall 1, Mardyke Arena - 4:30pm Dance (Advanced Jazz) - Studio 7, Mardyke Arena - 8pm Fencing - Hall 1, Mardyke Arena - 7:30pm Juggling & Acrobalance - Studio 1, Mardyke Arena - 9pm JuJutsu - Studio 1, Mardyke Arena - 7:30pm Karate - Hall 1, Mardyke Arena - 6pm

Bake Sale - Animal Welfare Society 12pm, Boole Library Weekly Rehearsals - Choral Society 7pm, Geography Lecture Theatre Photography 101 - Photographic Society - 7pm, Elec Eng L1 Cultural Panel - Japanese Society - 7pm, KaneG01 Screening: Nightmare on Elm Street Film Society - 7pm, Boole 4 Wednesday 26th: Lunchtime Trad Concert - Trad Music Society - 1pm, Seomra Caidreamh, ORB Model UN: Colombian Peace Process - IR Society - 6pm, Council Chambers (North Wing) Screening: Theory of Everything - DAA Society - 7pm, Kane G18 Thursday 27th: Law Ball - Law Society - 6pm, Rochestown Park Hotel

Kung Fu - Studio 5, Mardyke Arena - 8pm Powerlifting - Elite Squad Gym - 5pm Rugby (Mens) - The Farm, Curraheen Road - 6pm Swimming - Mardyke Arena Pool - 7pm Trampoline & Gymnastics - Hall 2, Mardkye Arena - 4:30pm Weiqi (Go Club) - ORB 1.01 - 7pm Fridays: Boxing - Studio 7, Mardyke Arena - 5pm Canoe - Club Shed, Mardyke - 2:30pm Dance (Mixed Piece) - Studio 7, Mardyke Arena - 9pm Olympic Handball - Hall 1, 2 & 3, Mardyke Arena - 5pm Ultimate Frisbee - Hall 1, 2 & 3, Mardyke Arena - 3pm Weekends: Badminton - Hall 3, Mardyke Arena 12pm, Saturday Fencing - Hall 1, Mardyke Arena - 4pm, Saturday Judo - Studio 1, Mardyke Arena - 2pm, Sunday Karate - Hall 1, Mardyke Arena - 2pm, Saturday Rowing - National Rowing Centre, Farran Woods - 8am, Saturday & Sunday Waterpolo - Mardyke Arena Pool - 7pm, Sunday Tae-Kwon-Do - Studio 1, Mardyke Arena - 2pm, Saturday

33

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PHOTOS

ISSUE 03 | UCC Express

ISSUE 03 | UCC Express

Photos curtusry of Emmet Curtin Photography

PHOTOS

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36

SPORT

ISSUE 03 | UCC Express

Ireland Calls for UCC Powerlifter Dylan O’Connell - Sports Editor UCC Medicine Student, and Express Fashion Editor, Kenneth Nwaezeigwe has been called up to the Irish Powerlifting team. The 22 year-old underwent trials in Athlone this September before receiving the call to lift for the Boys in Green.

Rugby - UCC 36-49 Buccaneers

Dylan O’Connell- Sports Editor

Buccaneers started off this Division 1B tie off strong; Conor McKeon was the first to put his name on the score sheet, successfully kicking a penalty only minutes before UCC’s Shane Layden gave away possession to send Jordan Conroy scampering away for his first try. Kevin O’Keeffe salvaged something for his side, with a 9th minute penalty for The College. McKeon added to his tally with a 12th minute penalty before good pressure, reignited by the hosts, sent Conroy in for his second try of the game, as Buccaneers cruised into the lead with a McKeon conversion, giving Buccaneers a 25-3 lead.

UCC clawed back: following a penalty kicked to touch in the left corner, Robert O’Donovan forced his way over the line for a try to give the UCC a lifeline. O’Keeffe converted for the college to reduce the hosts lead to 25-10 score at the interval.

After the break the Scholars again opted to punt the ball into the left corner from a

penalty and, after a good drive following the lineout, Conor Barry stretched over the line at the 42 minute mark for a try, which was again well-converted by O’Keeffe.

Four minutes later UCC turned over possession in midfield, and quick hands by the Scholars yielded a Chris McAuliffe try in the right corner, which went unconverted. McKeon was able to get another three points to his name with a 54th minute penalty for the Buccs.

The hosts dominance was rewarded with a bonus point when Danny Qualter set up Meunargia for a bonus point try, which McKeon once again converted. UCC simply refused to be beaten, and a quick succession of phasing resulted in Barry’s second try and a bonus point for the visitors; O’Keeffe’s successful conversion leaving the game at 35-29.

In the closing moments McVeigh set up Gaughan to further add to the College’s misery. UCC snatched one back late on as Feeney pulled away. As the referee reached for his whistle, Mata Fifita wrestled pos-

session from Cillian Ansbro and powered through for the Buccaneers sixth try.

BUCCANEERS:- L.Carty; E.O’Reilly, S.Layden (captain), M.Fifita, J.Conroy; A.Gaughan, C.McKeon; M.Staunton, J. Sutton, S.Meunargia; R.Byrne, D.Qualter; E.Galvin, R.Moloney and S.McVeigh. Replacements:- R.O’Connor (for Conroy, 65 mins), G.Lynch (for McKeon, 65 mins), D.Quinn (for Staunton, 72 mins), R.Grenham (for Sutton, 72 mins), J.Foley (for Byrne, 73 mins), and D.Quinn (for Galvin, temp. 52/54 mins).

U.C.C:C.McAuliffe; K.O’Keeffe, K.Slater (captain), M.Linn, J.Kiernan; C.O’Regan, R.Walsh; C.Slowey, B.Burns, R.O’Donovan; D.Lynch, R.Moran; C.Barry, G.Smith and D.Feeney. Replacements:T.Kiersey (for Linn, 56 mins), L.McSharry (for Smith, 59 mins), E.McCarthy (for Smith, temp. 18-28 mins), T.Kiersey (for Barry, temp. 31-40 mins), F.McDermott and C.Ansbro.

REFEREE:- Mark Patton (IRFU).

Preparations are well under way for the upcoming UEFA Women’s Under 17 International Tournament across Cork City and UCC. The tournament, which is being organised by UEFA, is being hosted by UCC in the Mardyke Arena, by Cork City FC in Turners Cross and by Cobh Rambler’s in St. Coleman’s Park. Among the fixtures being held in Cork are Belarus ver-

sus Iceland at 3pm on the 26th October, with the Icelanders taking on the Faroe Islands at 3pm on the 28th October.

UCC and Cork City have a fine tradition of hosting UEFA fixtures, with matches going back to 1939, when 18,000 attended a game featuring an all-island Irish team & Hungary at the Mardyke.

This match marked the first occasion that an international football game was organised by the FAI outside Dublin.

In more recent times, West Ham Unit-

My main exercises centre around the 3 powerlifts. I also then have accessory exercises to strengthen muscles which would increase my ability to lift more weight on these lifts and also to do them effectively.”

ed used the Mardyke Arena as a training camp before a game with Cork City FC this summer, and City themselves would later use the Mardyke arena as a base of operations in their UEFA Europa League campaign.

Accompanying this routine is a strict diet which Kenneth was not hesitant to divulge with us: “Diet is structured around when I’m training or not. I eat to increase energy levels and maintain size at my weight class. Since I come from a sprinting background I lose weight rather quickly. On training days, in off-season, my diet consists of medium carbs, high proteins and low fats, to keep energy levels & muscle utilisation of carbs optimal. On non-training days carbs are low, good fats are high and protein is also high, to promote muscle repair & fat breakdown”

The games in Cork will also feature Belarus, Iceland, the Republic of Ireland and the Faroe Islands in action across Cork & Cobh from the 26th October to the 31st.

All of us at the UCC Express would like wish our colleague Kenneth Nwaezeigwe the very best of luck with his future endeavours with the Irish Powerlifting team.

UCC Gear Up for UEFA U17 Women’s tournament Dylan O’Connell - Sports Editor

Speaking on the announcement, a cheerful Kenneth was ecstatic about the call-up, commenting that: “I’m excited and honoured by the opportunity. It’s been a goal of mine for quite a while to compete at a higher level in powerlifting and being on the national squad in the Irish Powerlifting Federation will allow me to do just that” Kenneth quickly explained to us the dynamics of the sport and his daily workout routine: “Powerlifting consists of 3 main lifts, the Squat, the bench press and the Deadlift. I train 4 times a week in the gym and I’m currently running a training program designed by world renowned strength coach Boris Sheiko.

The programme was recommended by my teammate, and Munster Regional Assistant Coach, Dan Hurley: I train bench press 4 days a week doing variations on the movement; I train squat 2 days a week and deadlift also 2 days a week.

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ISSUE 03 | UCC Express

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UCC Well Represented in GAA All Star Nominations Dylan O’Connell- Sports Editor

18. Killian Young (Kerry)

UCC GAA will be well represented at the 2016 All Star Awards with UCC Students Peter Acheson, Conor Sweeney, Michael Quinlivan, Shane Enright, Paul Murphy and Paul Geaney all earning a nomination.

The All Star team will be selected next month, and the awards will be presented at a special banquet on Friday, November 4, 2016.

Midfielders 1. Brian Fenton (Dublin) 2. Peter Acheson (Tipperary, UCC) 3. Matthew Donnelly (Tyrone) 4. Gary Brennan (Clare) 5. Paul Conroy (Galway) 6. Colm Cavanagh (Tyrone)

The nominations in full are as follows: Goalkeepers 1. Evan Comerford (Tipperary) 2. Stephen Cluxton (Dublin) 3. David Clarke (Mayo) Defenders

1. Jonny Cooper (Dublin) 2. Brendan Harrison (Mayo) 3. Keith Higgins (Mayo) 4. Cian O’Sullivan (Dublin) 5. Lee Keegan (Mayo) 6. Colm Boyle (Mayo) 7. Philly McMahon (Dublin) 8. Ryan McHugh (Donegal) 9. Cathal McCarron (Tyrone) 10. John Small (Dublin) 11. Patrick Durcan (Mayo) 12. Shane Enright (Kerry, UCC) 13. Declan Kyne (Galway) 14. James McCarthy (Dublin) 15. Kevin McLoughlin (Mayo) 16. Paddy McGrath (Donegal) 17. Robbie Kiely (Tipperary)

Forwards 1. Ciarán Kilkenny (Dublin) 2. Diarmuid Connolly (Dublin) 3. Dean Rock (Dublin) 4. Kevin McManamon (Dublin) 5. Paul Geaney (Kerry, UCC) 6. Michael Quinlivan (Tipperary, UCC) 7. Andy Moran (Mayo) 8. Conor Sweeney (Tipperary, UCC) 9. Aidan O’Shea (Mayo) 10. Paul Murphy (Kerry, UCC) 11. Cillian O’Connor (Mayo) 12. Damien Comer (Galway) 13. Diarmuid O’Connor (Mayo) 14. Peter Harte (Tyrone) 15. Danny Cummins (Galway) 16. Patrick McBrearty (Donegal) 17. Seán Cavanagh (Tyrone) 18. Niall Sludden (Tyrone) Player of the Year Nominees 1. Brian Fenton (Dublin) 2. Lee Keegan (Mayo) 3. Ciarán Kilkenny (Dublin) Young Player of the Year Nominees 1. Diarmuid O’Connor (Mayo) 2. Josh Keane (Tipperary) 3. Jimmy Feehan (Tipperary)

Former Rugby Greats Honoured

Dylan O’Connell - Sports Editor

Last month, on the 30th of September, UCC was delighted to honour former rugby internationals that have also lined out for UCC. This honouring took place at a special dinner hosted by UCC Rugby president, Olann Kelleher, in Devere Hall.

UCC has an excellent tradition of success in Irish rugby, from the 1950s and British & Irish Lions player Mick Lane, who was capped 17 times for Ireland, right up to more recent heroes like Ronan O Gara.

Overall, 22 former internationals and alumni were present at the event, from all across the world; Dominic Crotty and Pat Parfrey flew home from Wisconsin in the

United States and Newfoundland in Canada respectively for the event. They were joined by former locks Jerry Holland and Mick Leahy, as well as British & Irish Lions Tom Kiernan, Donal Lenihan, and Paul Wallace. Kiernan, known as the Grey Fox, is also well-known for his success as a coach, managing Munster to its historic victory over the 1978 All-Blacks, a team who would go otherwise undefeated in their tour of Europe.

This event, which was held heading into the 2016/17 Champions Cup tournament, and the Autumn Internationals, further strengthens UCC’s tradition of success on the rugby field.

The Black Card- A Pure Detriment to Our Game Joe Brolly technically grants you a PhD in the area. Nonetheless, the onus must fall on someone to set the record straight, and yes, you guessed it: that someone is me.

James McAuliffe - Sports Writer “Here we go again. The black card debate.” My immediate, intrinsic reaction to the conflicting voices, which converge every Sunday night. This widely-discussed topic seems to be at the epicentre of every Gaelic football enthusiast’s agenda at the moment, so much so that even a laborious five minutes attention devoted to Mr.

First of all, on evidence of both All-Ireland finals, it was clear that the black card represented much more than a punishment to a player; it created a new impetus, a new incentive, but most of all, a new culture within the game. That culture, in my eyes, was based on begrudged & callous ‘sportsmanship’. I’ll explain with an example: cast your mind back to primary school. Remember the black book?

It’s a perfect comparison to the black card.

Numerous instances in the matches I witnessed mature athletes behaving childlike, whilst at the same time constantly blaggarding the referee. These moments were usually linked to a player’s motive to get one-up on the opposition. The black card facilitates this. Imagine, in the modern game it is possible to get an advantage on the opposition by means other than scoring! Wow! This leads to the furor surrounding the on-field antics, most-no-

tably the duel between Diarmuid Connolly and Lee Keegan. Not surprisingly, this and other ‘handbag’ episodes led to a renowned journalist to deem the modern game “un-referee-able.” This needless and immature behaviour is the sheer antithesis of what people expect from such dedicated inter-county players.

Secondly, it is clear that there is a myriad of discrepancies associated with the black card; whether it be the implementation of it or its sanctioning, it never ceases to cause mass confusion, both on and off the field.

The meaning of the word ‘deliberate’ is far broader than first interpreted, and perhaps its meaning has become contorted.

Finally, the last detriment I believe that the black card has, is that it has rejuvenated is the indecisiveness amongst referees and the general public. Why is this you ask?

Answer: The choice is now there. Gone are the days of the mundane yellow and red cards. The boisterous Hill Sixteen supporters now plea to the officials in search of a black card.

My recommendation? I firmly believe that the tide has turned in Gaelic football.

The new ambient mystique surrounding football entails infinite hand-passes, high levels of work-ethic and a desire to win, a type of game I feel is far better suited to a rugby-esque system. The evidence is there, similarities are present: be it hawkeye, massive additional time or the referee’s ear piece, all we need is a stipulation where captains are the only players permitted to discuss with the referee. This type of a system, along with the expulsion of the black card, will result in a greater longevity to Gaelic football.

Therefore, no longer is it necessary to follow the crowd; no longer may you submit to the common opinion; no longer may you remain blind to the conversational matter. As Pat Spillane once wisely said “There are people who don’t know, then, there are people who don’t know they don’t know.” My hope is that, at least by Pat’s standards, I don’t fall into the latter camp.

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ISSUE 03 | UCC Express

Table of Results:

Editorial: You’ll Never Walk Alone Dylan O’Connell - Sports Editor

Another week has rolled by. Clubs are now training, the season is well under way and each evening a new sporting spectacle awaits us. If you are like myself; a sports mad television addict, it is this time of year when things really heat up. On any night of the week you can have your selection.

In the week this paper is going to print you will have seen Liverpool vs. Manchester United, Cork City FC vs. St. Pats and Manchester United vs. Man City, to name a few mouth-watering fixtures that await us. In the WSL, Liverpool Ladies are pushing to find European football, while at home Cork City Women’s FC are trying to avoid the bottom of the table. There are plenty of results and games to keep us at the edge of our seats.

Pos

Team

Division 1B Rugby

UL Bohemian

3

Pl

W D

L

Pts

Buccaneers

3

2 0 1 10

Ballynahinch

3

2 0 1

9

Ballymena

3 2 0 1

9

Old Wesley

3 2 0 1

9

Galwegians

3 1 0 2

6

Naas

3 1 0 2

5

UCC

3 1 0 2

5

Dolphin Shannon

3 1 0 2 3 0 0 2

4 2

3 0 0 15

What is important, and I ask this of everyone: is to stand by your club.

Stand by your team no matter what happens.

Supporting a team like Manchester United down through the years was easy: you woke up in the morning, won a game and knew that, come May, there would be a trophy back in Old Trafford. It is the same across board with Liverpool, Chelsea, City and Spurs, and even back home with Dundalk. Supporting a team when you win is easy; supporting a team when you lose is what it is all about.

The great Bill Shankly once said: “if you don’t support us when we lose or draw, don’t support us when we win.” Ignoring that I am a Liverpool fan, and a fan of Cork City FC; the truth is harrowing there and echoes through the ages, through all the sports. No matter what club you support (better yet, no matter what sport)

Quercus Focus: Phil Healy Name: Phil Healy Age: 22 Sport: Sprinting Club: Bandon Athletics Club Course: Nursing Best Moment: Phil Healy rose to prominence in April 2016 following her famous “depths of hell” run at the Irish Track and Field Intervarsties in Athlone, when the young Bandon woman came from a lastplace position to power through and win the 4400m relay race for UCC.

never give up, Never lose the thrill of passion following a win.

I myself have been a Cork City fan all my life, and I watch Liverpool every chance I get. When it is lashing rain out in the bog of Bishopstown watching a Munster Senior Cup tie, it bears the same weight for me as the cup final or a league decider. If you are watching Liverpool against United, and do not bother to watch Liverpool against West Brom the week after, what is the point?

Support your club no matter what: it could be 90 minutes, it could be 80 minutes or 6 minutes; you support them through thick and thin. In Ireland, no matter how much we like to think otherwise, we do love a big game.

Supporting a club is a lifelong commitment, you are part of a community; on your down days and your low moments you are always there to take yourselves away from it, to wander away from the rocks and onto the terraces.

It sounds corny but I love the song You’ll Never Walk Alone. For Liverpool and Celtic fans alike, it sends a clear message: for every bad day there is always a silver lining, and that’s a message everyone should hold high. As a Cork City fan I have known this too well. As a Liverpool fan I have grown accustomed to this.

Still, I’ll endure. Someday a breakthrough will come, but until then I’ll still wear my scarf with pride.

Back your club. Wear your colours.

To whoever you support, I wish you the best of luck for the coming season.

You’ll Never Walk Alone.

UCC Coach Launches New Book Dylan O’Connell - Sports Editor UCC Soccer Freshers coach Neal Horgan has announced the publication of his second book, titled “Second City 2016: Season 2009 (The Fall, Death and Rise of Cork City: The Autobiography of an Irish Footballer), ” in the coming weeks. The book, which will tell the story of the tumultuous 2009 season for Cork City FC is a sequel to the hugely successful 2014 book, “Death of A Football Club?”

The book, which attempts to explain the events surrounding the infamous 2009 season which saw a high court order and Cork City FC entering examinership, is yet another big step in Horgan’s career.

Horgan provides a no holds barred account of the time period, where “Horgan argues that the lack of an overarching plan for full-time professional football in Ireland provides a context for the ‘annus horribilis’ experienced at Cork City FC in 2009, as bounced cheques, delayed payments, evictions, pay cuts and a return to part-time football become the issues that dominate the players’ lives” This book comes hot off the heels of the aforementioned “Death of a Football Club?” which was described by the Irish Independent as “An interesting, honest and humorous insight into a bizarre time in Cork and Irish football history,” Second City promises to be an enthralling account for the ages and a must for any Irish football fan.

UCC Makes Waves at IUSA Southerns 2016

Dylan O’Connell- Sports Editor

UCC Sailing Club won well last weekend at the Irish University Sailing Association (IUSA) team racing event, with ‘the College’ coming away with Gold and Silver medals in Carrick-on-Shannon, County Leitrim.

The event, which was organised by UCC, saw 26 teams from 7 colleges across Ireland compete in three fleets. UCC 1 and UCC 2 competed in the Gold fleet, which resulted in an all-UCC final as UCC 1 was challenged by UCC 2. UCC 1 went on to win the race, capturing the first medals of

the weekend. Silver fleet was next, being contested by UCC 3 and UCC 5. UCC 3 managed to get into the semifinals but were eventually knocked out by UCC 5, who then went on to claim first place.

UCC 4 found themselves competing in the Bronze fleet and, after topping the fleet at the climax of the round robin stages, were very unfortunate to lose in the final to CIT 3.

Overall it was a successful weekend for the college who move on to next November’s races in Kilrush, Co. Clare on the 4th/5th of November. For more information on UCC Sailing, email sailing@uccclubs.ie.

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ISSUE 03 | UCC Express

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Ireland Flawless in Europe as Scotland Struggle Table of Results:

Darragh Walsh - Deputy Sports Editor Let’s face it, 95% of us soccer fans can’t stand the International break.

When club football leaves us, it feels like our whole left arm is missing; you get withdrawal symptoms, from sleepless nights to horrendous anxiety, you can’t wait until the Internationals finally end.

I can’t help but feel different about the International break this week; when you see Ireland get 6 points from a possible 6, you can’t help but feel

proud of your country’s’ performance.

Ireland’s wins against the great Georgia and the mighty Moldova puts them firmly in 2nd place of Group D just behind Serbia & ahead of Wales.

I think we should send a flurry of thank-you cards to the Georgians also, as they fought hard to a 1-1 draw against our neighbours Wales, leaving them 2 points below Ireland.

Meanwhile, in Group F, our Northern neighbours comfortably beat San Marino 4-0 (as they should do every time). They couldn’t quite replicate the brilliance of Shane Long from a year prior, though, as they slumped to

a 2-0 defeat to Germany.

England fared about as well as they usually do, gaining a momentous win against Malta only to follow it with a scoreless draw against Slovenia a few days later. Quite unsatisfying from an English perspective, though funnily enough they now have 7 consecutive World Cup/EURO qualifying game clean sheets; this equals their national record from 1988-90. In the other half of Group F, Scotland once again had a week they’d sooner forget, as they could only scrape a draw against Lithuania, and disappointingly lost 3-0 against Slovakia.

European Fever hits Leeside Dylan O’Connell - Sports Editor This month the Mardyke Arena will be hosting a group of UEFA Women’s Under 17 tournament: across the Mardyke, St. Coleman’s Park and Turners Cross Ireland will clash with Belarus, the Faeroe Islands and Iceland. This tournament, scheduled for the week of the 26th of October, will mark yet another chapter in the storied past of European football in Leeside, stemming back to 1939 when an all-island (FAI) Ireland faced Hungary in front of 18,000 at the Mardyke.

Right up to this summer, international football has always held a foothold in the Real Capital, with the Republic of Ireland facing Belarus in their final UEFA Euro 2016 warm-up game; in a sun-drenched Turners Cross Martin O’Neill played a full-strength Ireland team, featuring players the like of James McClean, Shane Long and veteran Shay Given. Though it was not to be Ireland’s day in Cork last summer, it was an exciting return for Senior international football in the ‘Cross.

Underage Internationals, from both the

male and female teams, are also a regular occurrence on Leeside, a personal favourite being the 2007 friendly between Ireland and England at Turners Cross, where a young Theo Walcott hit this reporter in the face with a clearance, concussing me.

European footballing competitions at club level have made a dramatic return to Leeside under former UCC manager (now Cork City manager) John Caulfield. Back in the days of our Grandfathers and Grandmothers, Cork Celtic and Cork Hibs regularly featured in European competition, meeting the likes of Schalke ‘04 and Valencia. The real legendary European story for Cork came in the autumn of 1990, when a

then six year-old Cork City FC pulled European semifinalists Bayern Munich in the UEFA Cup draw.

The tie was mighty, and with the game being moved from Turners Cross to the home of rugby in Cork, Musgrave Park was the place to be that Wednesday afternoon. In the build-up to the game, Bayern Munich captain Steffan Effenberg claimed that Cork City’s Dave Barry looked like his Grandfather.

Against the odds Cork City took the lead thanks to “Grandad Effenberg” himself, Dave Barry. An ecstatic Musgrave Park was soon quieted, however, as Effenberg soon equalised from a free kick. The game

finished 1-1, and the hosts ran out 2-0 winners in the return leg, but the memories of that day in 1990 have never been forgotten in the People’s Republic of Cork.

In most recent years, Cork City FC have continued their fine run of European form.

2004 saw Cork City FC make Irish footballing history, as they were the first Irish side to reach the quarterfinals of a European competition, during that year’s Intertoto Cup. 2006 saw City once again make history by knocking out Cypriot opposition in the UEFA Champions League.

Following the dark days of 2008 and 2009, when financial mismanagement almost robbed Leeside of League of Ireland football, European football seemed to be reserved to the history books. Between 2009 and 2013, European football was little more than a sweet memory at the Cross, but under the new management of John Caulfield Cork City has witnessed a massive rise in fortunes and, eventually, a return to the European table.

Despite an early upset by KR Reykjavik, City pushed on in 2016 and progressed through three rounds of UEFA Europa League qualifiers, knocking out Linfield and BK Häcken in the process. European glory isn’t reserved for the Senior team, as the Under 19 side have qualified for the UEFA Youth League.

SPORT

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UCCExpress.ie | Volume 20 | Issue 03 | October 18th Tuesday

Mata Fifita, pictured with his centre partner Shane Layden, scored Buccaneers’ sixth try against the UCC students (photo credit: Buccaneers RFC)

LOI Title Race - Is It All Over?

Dylan O’Connell- Sports Editor

Last week Cork City FC succumbed to a 2-1 loss to defending champs Dundalk at Oriel Park. A loss, which would normally just be another chapter in the overarching City Dundalk narrative, also served as yet another nail in the coffin that is City’s title chances. As things stand, Cork City are in second place, resting behind Dundalk with an equal amount of League games (and the FAI Cup final) to go.

If you flashback to last June, things were different: after a dominating performance by the Rebel Army, Cork City were one point behind league leaders Dundalk

with everything to play for; they were the bookies’ favourites to take the League trophy to Leeside. Like now, City suffered just one loss, and a cloud of uncertainty rose to hang over The Shed; and with this loss to Dundalk, a similar cloud has risen, though John Caulfield’s men will hope the ultimate outcome is different this year People are calling time on John Caulfield’s City career, claiming that the former UCC man is not up to the job. People are also mourning for the demise of the league, as Dundalk have again seemingly ran away with the competition. As short-term memory problems continue to plague many football fans in Ireland, City fans have been quick to forget their own run of form

against their Louth opposition; with only the one loss in 7 games against the Louth men (the FAI cup counted as a draw at the end of normal time), City have every reason to keep their chins up looking forward.

While a sense of despair plagues Turners Cross, Dundalk haven’t exactly been as dominant as they have been, going on a run of just scraping games and edging results, which if continued could very possibly end in two draws in their away game at St.Pats and home game to Bohemians.

With five games to play, and a UEFA Europa League tie still to go, the Lilywhites have a two-front footballing war to wage,

and the signs of tiredness that come with this are beginning to show. As things stand Stephen O’Donnell is out for the season with a hamstring injury, and further uncertainty grows over former UCC student Daryl Horgan’s future in Louth.

Still, football will be football, and only time will tell. Here’s hoping that that the Rebel Army can snatch victory from the jaws of LOI defeat.

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