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WRITES CIARA BARRETT | SEXPRESS EDITOR

For the last Sexpress article of the year, I’ve decided to give some advice for any summer trysts that may come up Everyone has a story about a place they’ve had sex, or a position they’ve tried out because they saw it in a movie, heard about a friend who did it, or read a tweet about it and got curious More often than not, these are so very overrated, and more often than not they’re more effort or trouble than they’re worth I’ve gone through countless movies and social media platforms to find these clichés, and explain why you absolutely should not bother with them

1. Sex on the Beach

While it’s often framed as ‘romantic’ to have sex underneath the sunset on the sand, it is really not worth the effort First of all, there’s the sand to contend with Sand

Everywhere Not only is it extremely uncomfortable, but getting sand in your vagina creates a breeding ground for bacteria, and any subsequent infections are definitely not worth the risk Secondly, the rocks Buried under the sand, behind you, hiding you, wherever they are you will absolutely end up hitting your head, or any other body part off of them really It will definitely hurt, and you will definitely regret it

It’s also impossible to be spontaneous or have fun with You have to plan for where it’ll be, who else will be there, the environment, towels or blankets, the works There’s so much to figure out that the prep work isn’t worth it Finally, and most importantly, having sex on the beach is illegal Don’t do it, stick to the cocktail

2. Shower Sex

First and foremost, it’s as uncomfortable as all hell Despite what people may think, water is not a lubricant, it’ll end up completely washing it away, and the whole thing will end up just increasing the friction and making things so uncomfortable Similarly, water actually makes condoms less effective. Due to the increased friction from the water they’re more likely to break, and there’s also a much higher chance of the condom slipping off Next of all, have you ever showered with someone and had the temperature exactly right for the two of you? No, that’s what I thought Before anything even starts, one of you is too hot and one’s too cold and no one is having any fun Then we come to positions There is no way to be comfortable having sex in the shower No matter what way you try, the shower isn’t big enough and the wall is too hard and the shower door might open or you might grab the shower curtain, rip it down, and give yourself a concussion on the edge of the shower itself Nothing about this is a good idea

3 Risky Business in the Driver’s Seat

We’ve all seen it in the movies, someone’s driving, the passenger starts to do questionable things, they get pulled over, the scene is comedic relief Either that, or they crash the car, sometimes injuring other people, and it was very clearly a bad idea That should be enough to turn you off However, if that isn’t enough, consider how uncomfortable that would be The brakes or the gear stick digging into very uncomfortable places, that seatbelt alarm blaring, your head accidentally hitting a random button and now the radio is blaring and by now it’s too embarrassing to give up Don’t do it It is absolutely never a good idea

4 Sex in the Driver’s Seat

In a similar vein, having sex in the driver’s seat while the car isn’t moving I promise you that the space between your back and the steering wheel is not as big as you think it is You’ll just end up hurting your lower back, and not in a fun way

5 In a Pool, or a Lake, or a River, or Any Other Body of Water

Similar to the shower, there’s too much friction, risk of condoms falling off, and generally being too cold or too hot However, in an outdoor pool or any other body of water that isn’t kept chlorinated and away from contamination, there’s a very very real risk of dangerous infection, and fish or insects ending up in any number of places you absolutely do not want them to be Even in a chlorinated pool it is definitely not healthy One of the most difficult things for swimming pools, especially public ones, to get just right is the level of chlorine that impacts the pH level It can be really damaging to have the pH level of your vagina affected, and it puts you at a really high risk of bacterial infections This one is just genuinely awful for your health, and is absolutely not as fun as it looks

6. Sex Against the Wall

This is a very common sex position seen in movies, and it should stay there No matter how much you fantasise about it, do not bother First of all, whoever is against the wall is going to have a completely bruised back for the next two weeks You won’t be able to lie down You will regret it If you are not the person against the wall, there’s no way you’ll be able to hold that position for more than a minute without dropping your partner Well, unless you’re training as a bodybuilder It’s painful, and uncomfortable, and your arms will go numb There is absolutely no point in even trying it, you’ll be too tired to even think about anything else afterwards Having sex standing up in general is pretty not worth it honestly Back pain, thigh cramps, arm cramps, do not bother

7 Spontaneous Sweeping

There really doesn’t seem to be a name for this, but you know in the movies when people are either really happy or really horny, so they sweep everything off of the counter or the table or the desk and go at it there and then? That No matter how romantic or spontaneous it may seem, the last thing you’re going to want to do is clean all of that up afterwards If you can get past that, even the surfaces are uncomfortable If you need to sweep everything off of it in order to have sex on it, it’s too solid and will definitely hurt your back, knees, head, and anything else it happens to come into contact with Last but certainly not least, do you know what’s on that table? Is it fragile? Is it expensive? Did you just show up at your partner's house and sweep their grandfather's ashes all over the floor, shattering the urn it was in? If you want to do something spontaneous just carry someone to bed or something, you don’t need to eviscerate the kitchen on the quest for something fun

And last but not least:

8 Pretty Much Anything That Looks as Though it Requires Stretching Beforehand Look, they are literally paid actors They stretch beforehand, and that’s why they’re okay Even if it is logistically possible, is it really worth it if you need 10-15 minutes of yoga before and after just to make sure you don’t pull a hamstring or something? Pretty much any position that shows actors with their legs behind their ears is guaranteed to make your legs shake in a terrible way It’s an injury waiting to happen I know that if I had to stretch for 15 minutes every time I was going to have sex, I’d be too tired by the time I was warmed up Unless you’re willing to stretch beforehand, don’t bother

At the end of the day, feel free to try whatever you want, but do so at your own risk, and make sure you understand the risks first Just because someone did it in a movie or a story you heard, doesn’t mean it will be worth it Sex doesn’t need to be cold, or sandy, or dangerous, or illegal, or acrobatic for it to be fun or interesting If you’re bored in your sex life, add a vibrator, don’t bother increasing your risk of a yeast infection