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Contents 4 6 8 11 12 14 16 18 20 22 23 25 26 28 29 30
Letters to the Editor Introductions O-Well, at least you tried The Society of Cranites Canta Investigates: The Brojob Fresher Pressure Canta Club Awards The Jungle Gary’s Gift Andrew Little Interview James Shaw Interview Economic Inequalities Reviews UCSA Exec “So, how’s that going for you?” Horoscopes
DISCLAIMER: The opinions presented in this Canta magazine are not necessarily those held by the UCSA or this University. Canta is now independent of the UCSA and is run by a student-led team. Every issue of Canta is signed-off by the UCSA Exec before printing. Send any queries or complaints to president@ucsa.org.nz and canta@canta.co.nz Enjoy.
20 16
26
“What, so everyone’s supposed to sleep every single night now? You realize that night time makes up half of all time” - Rick (From Rick and Morty)
o t s r Lette Dear Canta,
CHALK DIRTY TO ME
e crayons. e same way I lik they are I like chalk, in th s; ur lo fferent co nage. They come in di sig ake cheap both useful ant dchmeap buys over time they But with mos memories. become past now this case. I am m Clubs However, not inl th fro ft le k al ch e 16’s first 20 bothered by al of r de in ful rem Day. It is a painle victim...my wal t. ation read all the inform t out gh ni It is annoying to od go a r fo ped and getting puwmas a past event. to only find it iversity h chalk around Un There is too mucain’t showing us that there and Metservice sage of rain anytime soon. will be good do Yours, Gertrude.
ing we re’s noth e h t y r r o g you Canta: S botherin is it f I off. can do. e lick it b y a m , h that muc
PAUL BLART WRITES TO CANT Dear new Canta team, A Can you please do an article on UC Security. I’m particularly interested in what these fine specimens of manhood did before they becam security guards. Were they policemen? Were e they in the army? Were they back-up dancing for Westlife? Please end the article with a ‘win a segway date with the guard of your choosing’ competition. Love, A man in uniform
Canta: We will look into it. It’s our current understanding that UC Security Guards have no previous employment, and were grown in a lab specifically to do this job. Have a problem with that? Blame the TPPA. 4
{ Canta 2016 }
JUST CARNT
Cars. F#cking cars.
Those people who drive up really close to you as you walk home and gun the engine and hit the horn and drive off in a scream of false turbo and burning ozone. Can Canta start a petition to remove dickheads from cars? Like a serious exam, and then the Bogans will go a car shop, and the guy goes, “Ah… you got a C- on your dickhead exam. I am afraid I can only sell you a Fiat Cinquecento.” I am serious. Yours, seriously, Walking home and pissed.
Canta: No, I happen to love my Fiat Quinceanera and don’t want anyone else having one.
TOGA’D TO BE TRUE Tooooooooooogg ggaaaaaa! Is stupid. Why do we continu e with this charade? come up with so Let’s ething that is m for New Zealand m ore suitable st ud from adapted from ents. Perhaps something Maori culture Or pe we just all sit ar rhaps nd in a Skyline .ga getting wasted ou rage on St ev e’s uncle’s home brew And I try to fuck yo . ur cousin. Signed Car Pie
your idea! Canta: Actually Car Pie, we love ta is now We’re so taken by your idea, Can called holding their own O-Week event The Birds and the Wifebeaters.
but look really good in singlets P.S. we abhor domestic violence,
The Editor “The shark
Dear Canta
swum thro u
gh the reed
s which dis
STAIRWAY TO ----HEAV -----EN ---SWEATY CROTCH
I’m concerned that people aren’t aware of the problem that is currently plaguing it our entire University. Everyone seems incredibly nonchalant about the fact that there is way too many stairs at this University. Seriously, what the f*ck is with all the stairs in this place?! When I go to the library I want some peace and quiet and a place to study, I don’t want an uphill trek to get their first. Every time I finally arrive anywhere, I find myself uncomfortably moist in my own sweat after having gone into full mountain-climber mode. Please use Canta’s incredible influence to change the structural layout of this University. Yours sincerely,
sn’t rsity ha e iv n U t this eeds. orry tha weight n Canta: S r e hat v o r u lessing t to yo b d e e h r t e t s ca irs a the sta Consider ly need. you clear
Sweaty Crotch
Dear Canta
,
BUILD A BRID GE
I’d like to new favouoriffer a shout out to m Construc o te club at Clubs Dayy nSoc. You g : made thetim uys definite o st ly n o is the most e out of any one. And have signeddust. I would have de UCSA ha n up if those dickheafinitely ’t put your st ds at the big fenced all behind th . K e e p d at o in Or preten g what y Because I dcing to do what youo’ru’re doing. anything th an’t actually see youe doing. at you’re do doing ing. Michael Chri stopher Ham mer
Canta: Thanks for the letter Michael. In order to join ConstructionSoc you shouldn’t go to university. Or maybe get an engineering degree. There are no good options..
guised som
e ridiculou
s secrets”
SILT A IS EO NG CE DEAD LY UNC OMFO RT To whom it
may conce
rn,
ABLE
And believ e me, it sh ould conce rn everyon Did you kn e. extreme si ow in some places le th n c e e y as a form u put you f torture?seT quiet youinca room, with nooso hey a u your ears. n hear your own nd, and it’s so And you g o insane.heart beat in One such p lace is the Canterb University of toilets. ury. Specifically, the Undercroft Please do something about it. Yours, Buster Rec ktum
Canta: Here a t the U Canter niversit bury, w e y of think it you fee ’s impor l your p rivacy tant th while g is bein at oing to g breac the toil hed et.
BACK OFF!
TA, ?Asking Dear CAN exec single A S C U e from th Is Mikaela friend. le tt li y me. m for with Love, D. Nuts
: Canta
She’s
letter? a e t i r ow ta.co.nz Want t s@can r e t t le Email it ast She e L ‘ k’ s ’ Cantar of the We eted Lette a roll of cov ! wins oilet paper 2-ply t { Canta 2016 } 5
Liam Donnelly Hello. I’m Liam. I’m your Head Editor of Canta for 2016. Whilst being your editor I’m also a student studying a BA in Political Science and Media & Communication. The journey of how I got here isn’t a particularly interesting one; born in the hustle and bustle of the overpriced turd we call Auckland, I moved to Christchurch when I was younger, got through school relatively unharmed, went to university and now I’m here. When I leave university I’m not sure what I want to do, I’m a firm believer in not rushing to decisions, also I find the notion of not knowing what I’m doing with my life quite exhilarating. My passions in life include film, comedy, partying, not exercising regularly, and disliking things. In my humble opinion the greatest film ever made was John Landis’ 1980 film The Blues Brothers. An absolute masterpiece. Followed in second place by Trey Parker’s political satire Team America. Interstellar, Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope, and Silence of the Lambs round out the top five. Feel free to express your opinion about film to us, we now have a Facebook page for that. My dislikes in life are something I hold dear to my heart, I believe humans can be at their most passionate and powerful when thinking of things that piss us off. My dislikes include Republicans, Vince Vaughn, Vegans, the excessively long section on plagiarism in every course outline (yeah we get it), people who think Jeremy Clarkson is genuinely funny, hangovers, most YouTube sensations, people who recreate viral videos (100% of the time it wasn’t funny the first time), sand, and most of all; cyclists. When I’m driving on the road in my well-built, stronger machine why do I have to be careful and avoid the small, weaker machine when thousands of years of natural history has taught me the exact opposite when it comes to the relationship between strong and weak? But anyway, that’s enough negativity for one day. Remember at the very start when I referred to myself as ‘your’ editor? The reason I use ‘your’ is because I’m here to produce a magazine that you want to read. I’m here to serve you. Well, to an extent. If you tell me to get you a coffee you’ll get a two word reply, consisting of the words ‘off’ and ‘fuck’, and not in that order. When I got this job, I gave myself one goal; to produce a university magazine that actually reflects the fact that it is a university magazine. At Canta, we don’t kid ourselves about our intelligence or maturity; there will be genital jokes, insults, and pages entirely dedicated to the activity of consuming copious amounts of alcohol. But then again, we don’t underestimate our intelligence or maturity either, we’ll get serious too when necessary, covering topics that concern us students with how we live, study, and socialise. A university magazine can’t really accurately reflect a university when there are only 3 students writing it, that’s why we need your help. Canta is always looking for contributors to write articles, this way our magazine expresses a wide array of opinions and interests and not just those of arrogant, middle class, white people. When I say “give it a go”, I seriously mean it. Don’t hesitate to contact us to show your interest, even if you don’t think your writing is up to scratch, show us what you’ve got. Now. All our contact details are down the bottom. Last words from me: I hope you enjoy Canta, like our page on Facebook, and most importantly, get involved. Au Revoir Liam
JESSY ERCEG Hey everyone, I’m your girl who makes everything look neat and pretty this year! You may have heard I thoroughly enjoy a diesel or eight depending on what day of the week it is. Messy Erceg
6
{ Canta 2016 }
SHANNON COSTELLO I’m going to attempt to avoid the typical introduction commonly associated with high school circle times or speed dating /Tinder chat, but my name is Shannon and I am a girl. I’m in my 4th year at university and still could probably get away as a first year with the amount of limited knowledge I have obtained. I study a BA, in my range of attempts to become famous. I’m from a small town that starts with ‘G’ and I have all 10 fingers and 10 toes. In so, I am gratefully not part of the inbred offspring allegedly supplied and found in the Deep South, thanks to my British parents. Something interesting about me is my sporting past, I used to be an ice figure skater till 2010 where I threw in my towel after the World Championships. I enjoy a good ear throbbing from a list of trap, RnB or anything done with a bit of black bass. I’m commonly associated with black coffees and the fruit often found in my bag that hasn’t arrived there from a monetary transaction. I enjoy watching films that are funny and jam packed full of action. My current favourite film of all time currently is ‘Deadpool’. If you haven’t seen it then you probably should get onto that! In my spare time I like to hunt, hike, gym, shop, eat, game, cook as well as confuse the hell out of people. Overall, I think I’m approachable? So if you recognise me or want to chat, don’t be shy in striking up a sharn. Unless it’s negative, then start a group. Lots of love, Deputy Editor of Canta, Shanny Babes xx
MAC STEPHENSON
You don’t want to know about the new Deputy Editor of Canta. You don’t want to know that he is a rather handsome, somewhat shallow, conceited, high functioning hypersexualised alcoholic. You don’t want to know that in his gap year he trained as a chocolatier, a confectionaire, a baker and as a patisserie, climatically concluding with making chocolate for Prince William and his lovely wife. You don’t want to know that nine months after they ate that chocolate, a small child was born to them. You don’t want to know that he has a keen interest in the University Snow Sports Club. You don’t want to know that he has a passion for the outdoors, surpassing that of the average Kiwi. No, you want to know all the sordid details of his life, like how hot his girlfriend is (very), or how many abs he has, (five and a half) or how tanned the summer has made him, (somewhere between mahogany and balsa wood). You want to know that he is a lean mean fighting machine with a chip on his shoulder and a soft spot for the non-heteronormative, a debonair fighting machine with more spunk in his pen than his balls and a rather large grudge against the Establishment. You want to know that he is in his fourth year studying psychology. You want him to know what you want to know. If these are the sort of things you want to know, and if you want to know more, invite me over for coffee, black, and we’ll talk about how privileged we are. Yours, Demanding respect and authority, Mac Contact: Canta@canta.co.nz
Letters to the Editor: letters@canta.co.nz Facebook: www.facebook.com/canta { Canta 2016 }
7
CANTAs ATTEMPT TO REVIEW
up, but when they did, woof!
Freshman was cool. How cool?
A sea of freshers, all moving to the rhythm of the music, channelled by the thumping base and psychedelic tunes. It was fun, moving in the chill atmosphere, being cool. Sometimes in life, we take it too hard, and so does the UCSA. Trying to push events that are, in essence, bad.
Ice cold. There were however, no freshers when we turned up, 15 mins early. There were twenty people on the D floor, slowly letting the music sooth their fear of noone else turning up, but they lacked that nervous air of first years. That energy, like a rat, ready to jump at the slightest sound. It did take a while for people to turn
But Freshman was not like that. Something about the Canterbury nights, the long slow setting of the sun, the pink and purple sky. And the kaleidoscope of music that some of the world’s best college tour groups could coax out of the speakers.
There is something fake about toga party. Something in the air, the water, the venue. Something about it seems stale, dead, curled at the bottom of the cage, a
to be seen if Jhené Aiko, G-Eazy, and DJ Sir-Vere will become as famous. I hope they do, simply so that I will learn how to pronounce Jhené. Also, they deserve it. The crowd was rad, the music was good, port-a-loos were on point, and it was easy to have a good time. They leave us to complete the O-Week cycle in Welly, Punta Del Jaffa and Dunners. I hope they enjoy them as much as we did.
Easily the best of the O-Week events according to the Canta contributors that went along. It was eerily similar
shrivelled foetus of memories.
The only event that sells out faster than a former reality TV star. I really don’t like toga party. It appears to be a point of honour for the men to flaunt their dad bod in the most despicable fashion, and the woman to wear heels higher than Charlie Sheen.
to going to the Flume concert in 2013, when he wasn’t famous, and no one knew what his music was. This was like that, except it remains
No matter how heaving the mosh pit, no matter how short the line to the bar, or how hot the bartender is, something seems off. Maybe it is because it is strictly a first year event. No offence, but there is a reason every other age group avoids it, except those creepers who want to prey on some soft fresher meat. You know who you are, Mr Jimmy Saville Jr. There’s crap music, but you don’t care, because you’re tipsy. Guys have a fascination with grinding up against girls, five at a time, ass
to ass with the girls that are way out of their league, sober or drunk. Random men who have been coming there since early 2000’s try to kiss and make out with you. Not to mention, have you ever tried going to the toilet in a toga?
s a r G i d r Ma It’s been said, if you only go to ONE Orientation event… go to Mardi Gras. In fact, it’s been said that the ONLY Orientation event worth going to is… Mardi Gras. Bit harsh. Maybe fair? Being a veteran of a Gras or two, I decided to head in, sober, and see if the reality matched the reputation. A bit of history: Mardi Gras (at least the UC version) began a few years back when the then UCSA Exec decided it “would be totally cool” to hold a Mardi Gras event. That was back before any seemed too concerned about cultural appropriation, or the fact that a least one episode of the award-winning anthropology series Girls Gone Wild was filmed during the infamous Carnivale in New Orleans. Turns out the Exec were right (it was “totally cool”) and Mardi Gras has become an Orientation staple ever since. MUSIC: That’s what we’re all there for! Right?! Meh. But I feel obliged to start with music, even though at times it felt like I was the only one sober enough to notice there was actually music playing. Kinetic kicked the night off, and was fairly amaze-balls. Shame nobody got in the gate early enough to see him. Guuuuummon guys! Mt Eden is not my favourite act. They brought a lot of energy to the stage. I’d have preferred they brought some better music. Hey, you can’t please everyone. Stickybuds was just as sweeeeeet as he was sticky. So sweeeeet, in fact, that the crowd called for an encore. But he didn’t come out. If I was a better “journalist” I would have asked why. I’m not. MUSIC RATING: 3 ear plugs
BEADS: Man. Did I see some shit being done for beads. Like, wow. The ladies of UC have upped their game. And their shirts. I’m all for it. In the interest of balance, I also watched a couple of guys open-mouth pashing as a small crowd cheered them on. It wasn’t to my taste, but I appreciated the counter-cliched nature of the act. I noticed towards the end of the night that the attractive people (primarily of the lady persuasion) seemed to have most of the beads. It was microeconomics in action. Survival of the fittest. Or hottest. Long live the queens!
years – though I would recommend Mardi-goers have a peak at Wikipedia next year. And/or watch Girls Gone Wild.
BEAD RATING: 4 lube dispensers
TOILET RATING: 2 air fresheners
LINES: I’ve heard a rumour that the Japanese love queuing. And so do the English. Well there’s two places I’m never going to visit… because FUCK I HATE LINES. In fairness, the wait times weren’t too bad this year. I’ve had worse. Tea Party anyone?! But nothing makes you feel like a cow about to have its head lopped off by a dude in white gumboots quite like standing in a long line. Surrounded by metal fencing. With a faint smell of poo.
COSTUME RATING: 4 party sticks
TOILETS: When will someone invent something better than the plastic poo-pit we all know as the port-aloo? Seriously. We’ve gone to the moon. We landed a robot dog on Mars. But we’re still pooping in giant Tupperware containers?! I guess I can’t blame Mardi Gras for that…
OVERALL It’s been said, if you only go to ONE Orientation event… go to Mardi Gras. All things considered? I concur.
LINE RATING: 3 cows
COSTUMES: Traditionally Mardi Gras colours are purple, green and gold. Judging by the crowd, nobody did as much googling as me. I did see a young lass in full fetching Mardi mask and gown. I also saw a guy in sneans. My favourite addition this year was the use of fluorescent clothing. Or “neon” as a guy who reeked of Diesel (the drink not the fuel) explained. Incorrectly. Overall, it was another big step up from previous
{ {Canta Canta2016 2016} }9
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The Society of Cranites The University of Canterbury Crane (Praise be unto him)
Have you felt the calling of The Crane? Do you want to feel the calling of The Crane? Why not join The Society of Cranites?
Here at the Society of Cranites we enjoy: aily d friendlyhdest Warm ano f the hig worships – The University above all bury Crane of Cantere Unto Him)! (Praise B
“Team d n a ” r cte s! “Charaing” exercise Build
Comfor dining artar ble living and amenities angements, and ! Simpl educatei and satisfyin programon and lifest g you to s that don’t yle think to o hardr!equire
If The Society of Cranites sounds suitable for you, come along to our first weekly meeting next Monday in Erskine Room No: -105. Some delicious gluten free, vegan, snacks will be provided along with healthy conversation and an intimate atmosphere. Come discover what your life has been missing! This advertisement was signed off by
His Holy Highest Cranite Geoff { Canta 2016 }
11
Canta Investigates the
I
n each issue, ‘Canta Investigates’ will ask the hard questions, the questions no one has dared to ask, as we delve to the edge of integral journalism to uncover the information on topics that concern you. This week, Canta uncovers the dark world of Brojobs.
As I sit here at the start of my investigation, I have many questions regarding the Brojob. Such as “What is a Brojob?” and “Can I have one?” It is questions like these, and many more that I hope to answer on my journey through what is already hinting to be a very dark world. To begin my investigation, I went to the streets to ask people a variety of Brojob related questions. The answers I received, ranging from “F**k off” to “Go away you pervert” to “I’ll smash your face in” all provided me with very little knowledge. However, after hours of analysis, I began to notice a pattern in the responses I received; nobody liked talking about Brojobs. My problem now was where could I go to find answers to questions that people don’t want to discuss in public? As it turns out, there is a place used very commonly for this type of thing, a place you can’t actually visit, a place called the ‘Internet’. I started my investigation on the Internet by searching the term “Brojob” on an Internet search engine called ‘Bing’. Unfortunately it only brought up results for an incredible new muscle pill that builds muscle instantly - which I purchased 20 of obviously - and a dating website that told me there was a nice
Canta: When was your first experience with Brojobs? “It was about 4:00 am and we’d just got back from drinking in town, we were all pretty smashed. There was this mean looking chick at The Irishman that I was hooking up with, she was like the hottest
12
{ Canta 2016 }
middle aged woman in my area who was single. It was great that I now had my health and love lives sorted, but I still didn’t have the answers I was looking for. Upon further investigation I was taken to another search engine called Google, on Google I googled what I wanted to google and my googling resulted in exactly what I hoped would appear when I googled on google. From this point there was no going back, I was already in too deep. I had searched up a naughty word on the Internet. As a result of my investigation, here is the best way to define a Brojob: When one heterosexual friend performs fellatio on another heterosexual friend because he is a pal and his friend has blue balls. I had very quickly discovered the serious nature of what I was investigating and I knew further investigation had to be done on this crazy new trend taking over the University of Canterbury. Like any good journalist, I knew the only way to discover anymore about the Brojob was to get into the mind of a bro. Under the guarantee of name suppression, I was able to interview a University of Canterbury bro, as per his request we’ll be referring to him as Chickmagnet69. Fortunately there was an alcoholfree event going on at the University, meaning we had a guaranteed meeting place where there would be no people. I met Chickmagnet69 at our arranged meeting place and asked him some questions regarding the infamous Brojob.
chick there, but that’s pretty common for me I guess. I was gonna take her back home but she wasn’t keen, I was guttered man. I got back to the Bro Cave, that’s what we call our flat, the Bro Cave, it’s pretty sick. Anyway, all the bros had come back alone as well, we were all disappointed and most
of us headed to bed. My best bro and I were alone, talking about the mean as chicks we had got with. Then he suggested that we try Brojobs, because we hadn’t got any that night. I was pretty blue balled and it had ‘bro’ in the name so I thought it was going to be allgoods.”
Canta: How have Brojobs affected your life? “They’ve changed the game. When we don’t pull in town, there’s Brojobs. When the Internet is slow, there’s Brojobs. For these reasons they’ve become pretty important now, all the bros are for it and it makes life easier. Canta: What do you say to those who question the intentions behind your Brojobs? “They just don’t get it that’s all. It’s bro banter. Unless you’re a bro you won’t understand.” Canta: So two heterosexual men performing fellatio on each other is banter? “Yeah bro it’s crack up.”
I had the information from Chickmagnet69 that I needed, I had gained insight into the world of Brojobs and the status they hold in the bro world. It was time to observe this miracle of nature for myself. It was a Wednesday night, the bros had worked hard all day at University doing that thing called ‘study’ that we all definitely do. While nobody was looking I snuck into the Bro Cave and unplugged the modem. Soon I could hear the
slapping of footsteps, the moans of old wooden floorboards, and the awkward jiggling of knobs as they entered each other’s brorooms - the bro version of bedrooms. These were the signs that the bros were beginning to turn to their fellow bros, seeking what I now call ‘bropanionship’. There was then two minutes of complete silence, or as the bros call it, ten minutes of complete silence. After that, the Brojob ceremony was over. Like any good journalist, I must understand when my own journey is over, when any further investigation would be graphic and unnecessary. As sacred as a secret handshake or a beer bong, the Brojob is now an important part of bro lifestyles. I am pleased with my progress throughout my investigation, when I started my investigation I didn’t even know what a Brojob was. Now I know the Brojob, I just don’t understand it. Which is exactly how it should be. For I am not of the Bro-therhood, for I am not of the banter capacity required for Brojobs. I may never know the true answer to why Brojobs are so important, but what I do know is that a bro, like any human, needs a bit of affection every now and then.
“Yeah bro it’s crack up.” “Do you hav salt e ch pop icke cor n n?”
Canta 2015 { {Canta 2016} }
1313
So this year has already kicked off with a shaky start so for those of you who are still enrolled and haven’t chickened out, well done and welcome as 2016 will be a cracker! This isn’t about welcoming you to the glorious institution of Canterbury but instead aimed is at the freshers who want to make it through the first few weeks without making a dick out of yourselves. Yes, the obvious avoidances are not getting too drunk, focus on lectures rather than the unlimited data or the plain, old, and simple; stop trying to hit on R.A’s. You’ve escaped the tight clutches of your parents and you’re now an adult, congrats, but unless you want to resemble an Amish person who’s just left the farm for the first time, then look, learn and remember. Here is a list of things that we have learnt not to do, what to avoid, and how to blend in as a student without committing social suicide:
Clothing: At University it is highly recommended that you wear clothing, this is for the benefit of not just you, but for those around you also. There are however some clothing rules you really should adhere to. Such as:
For first years in particular, school leaver’s hoodies are really, really cool. Tell as many people as you can about your nickname. I bet it’s a brilliant story.
If you’re an Engineering student: bare feet are now compulsory. The more toes you lose to frostbite, the greater your reputation around campus.
Being late to lectures: Being late for lectures can often be a bit of an awkward situation. The appropriate way to handle being late for a lecture is to simply get rid what makes the situation awkward; the silence. So if entering a lecture late, as an apology to the lecturer as well as making the situation painless, make as much noise as possible. With doors, with hitting your bag on things, step loudly, and struggle with the fold-down chair for a while.
Law students: always wear three-piece suits. For extra merit, start sewing leather patches on the elbows. Consider smoking a pipe.
Food: Handling your food budget well can actually be really hard, but there’s one simple rule to follow that keeps your budget intact for the whole year. Term One: Burgers and fries, curry, or souvlaki. Term Two/Three/Four: $2 Rice
h g h i t l a o o c s a t w “Yeah i to walk around s ch ool intim id at ion i nt o stri kin g b ut a t u ni ve rsity e n o y r k ” v e e o r w t n ’ it does Exercise: Tell yourself you think it’s a good idea to use the gym, then promise yourself that you’re going to start going to the gym. Then never use it. The hard part that you MUST persist with is consistently convincing yourself that you’ll start using it next week. Never admit to yourself that you will never go. Tutorials: Always try to contribute something in tutorials. Don’t be that guy or gal who never says anything. Because amongst any friends who share the same tutorial you’re probably known as “that weird person” or as “the tutorial hermit” Drinking: There are very few things on this planet that have the ability to make a night either hilariously fun or hell on earth. Alcohol is one of them. Bear this in mind next time you dive into your wild night of partying. Nothing is considered sexier by both genders than a top stained in vomit and yelling slurred words. Seriously, that shit is HOT. Study: The most important thing to remember when it comes to study is DO NOT PANIC! Study can be stressful and hard, so if you don’t study, don’t worry. Just remember: As long as your thinking about studying, you’re OK. Because it means you haven’t entirely forgotten about studying - which, therefore, makes you an excellent student. Mobs: One of the most annoying things you can do at university is walk with your posse in one large mob, particularly if you’re not walking with pace. If you do want to hang out with your large group of friends and walk around with them too, just remember that between now and when you’re aged 30, every single one of those people you are walking with will do something that will destroy your friendship with them. So may as well break it off now before they do anything.
Canta went to Clubs Day and asked the students of UC to vote on their favourite club. As well as some far more important categories.
L C A T N A C
AWA
The Gentlemen’s Club
days are numbered, we know s GC, the cat’s out of the bag, your have spoken and your suspiciou what you’re up to! The people ble after all. You’ve been voted as ticea behaviour wasn’t so unno r for organised crime! the club that’s most likely a cove
Gentleman’s Club Response: “How many words are you looking for? I’m too hungover for this shit”
The UC Cano e Club
Congratulatio ns of Canterbury you Canoe Kings, you co nvinced the pe University that Whenever ther ople you’re Canoe Club to e’s a dull day, people cathe life of the party. n always turn rock and party to th hard, no matte r the conditione s.
UCCC’s Response : “We drink our w in e th e way god intended...o sack, and we part ut of a goon y in only what nature gave us. So it outrageous, bu me may call bunch of happy t we’re just a drunks who like to get wet.”
ENSOC Are you guys not happy enough with all the money you have? You win our Daylight Robbery Award, because your criminal prices were noted by many people and were voted for having the most unjustified joining fee..
ENSOC’s Response: “ENSOC has for many years bee largest paid club at UC, with ove n the r 2000 members for the last 5 years. high retention rate of members We have a . The joining fee gives us an operating budget , which allows us to make a loss on eve ry eve nt we run all year, and bring most aca dem ic and industry events to our members for free.”
Kaos
ing people over at The Nerf Gun shooting, plastic sword wield s. Their can-do attitude Kaos have won their way into our heartall anyone can ask for in and hunger for action and adventure is ndly world. this often dark, and unfrie
Kaos’ Response: “If polls say we’re friendly then they can grab a nerfgun come and join us too. We welcome people from all walks of life, so bring those Polish people over.”
LUBS DAY
S D R A Student Services
w grumpy! We don’t kno b, but by golly their ething They may not be a clu r there at Student Services, but som b been voted as the clu what you’re up to ove pissed you off! You’ve definitely must have st to work on their customer service. that needs mo
se: Student Services Respon out the ugh thro f staf nth mo “Over the last e variety wid a with ling dea n bee team have e 1st February 2016 of calls and queries. Sinc lt with in excess dea e hav s vice Ser t den Stu onded to over of 6,500 visitors and respcentre, 50% more 11,000 calls via the contact ellent customer than the previous year. Excof ourselves but service is what we expect is always room we recognise that there student has a for improvement. If any t, please email it suggestion for improvemen terbury.ac.nz” to iain.macpherson@can
UCSA
What does everyone at Club handing out brochures, pam s Day hate? Annoying people you’ve been caught red-hanphlets, or fliers. Sorry UCSA, but ded bein them all. Nobody wants you g the most annoying of r goddamn paper!
UCSA Comms Team Response: “Thanks Canta. It’s always nice to be noticed. And we happened to notice that we also print this very magazine on our paper. The same paper you say nobody wants. Irony. Deep.” . ious award most prestig es o l, a g n t fi a r th u o b Now onto rd is given to the clud entertain its This awa eyond to please an greatness, a b r above and, a club that strives foof hot people, t rs n e u b o m m e a all m s a decent that shows club that haimportantly, a club n ss. and most und superior Club e ro
OPSOC
Tradesoc
a flying start. and they’re already off to One of our newest clubs in the water over there are Tradesoc, t’s have We don’t know wha it’s working. Tradesoc, you but damn! Whatever it is, test Club President. hot ’s sity ver Uni ury Canterb
Tradesoc’s Response: “Canta’s hit the nail on the head. It’s hard to look bad in Hi-Vis. Join the club and reap the benefits. As always, fizz in the vis.”
e all uty. Wee’llBse a e b .” u Q o y B w “A n at th you lot dow c o - OpS
ith every step through The Jungle flat there is something significant to walk past, whether it be the unexplained metallic 3 that hangs on their kitchen wall, or their toilet, where current debate surrounds whether the door is necessary or not, there’s always something exciting in The Jungle. When I entered, my dignity was intact, when I left I had Patrick’s hair trimmings glued onto my face with honey. You see, The Jungle is a dangerous place. The entire chemistry of the flat is built on dares and chances; “I dare you to burn down the house”, “Chances you’ll drink your own body weight in vodka” just the typical stuff. Elaina quite accurately summed it up when she stated “I’ll be about to go to work, get chanced, lose, and have to sink piss”. The flat has two theme songs: Welcome to the Jungle and Arabian Nights, the first one makes sense, the second one, well I’m not sure, maybe their hinting that their casual racists or something. One of the perks of living in The Jungle is that James gives “mean” haircuts, which is good, it’s best that James has some other skills considering he’s doing a sports coaching degree. Skills that have been acknowledged by the whole flat, by pinning Patrick’s old rats tail to the living room wall, next to the unexplained photos of Elaina’s jaw.
James Tranter James’ presence in the flat is greatly appreciated by everyone, because his mushroom-like physical features makes everyone feel better about themselves and their life problems. James can be found hunting Freshers in Mgmt100, attempting to compensate for the years of loveless relationships in his past.
Zac Porter Imagine the personality of Stiffler, add the appearance of Jesus Christ and the moustache of a young Mexican boy and you will be graced with the presence of Zac Porter. Chances are on a visit to The Jungle, Zac will be nowhere to be seen as he is either representing UC Bike on the national downhill circuit or at the Playboy Mansion visiting his favourite bunny.
Patrick Dravitzki Patrick is known for his slick choice of words on Tinder where he managed to track down his one true love and eternal Valentine, Paige Valentine. Whether it’s frying his brains or his toasties, Patrick gives it 110% in all his stupid escapades.
too. Oh, and they also like nudtity
Elaina Pemberton As the only girl in the flat Elaina faces unique challenges. The severe bullying she receives has led to copious amounts of damage to her mental, physical and spiritual needs. However, Elaina kicks back at the boys with her sharp tongue and her ability to talk more shit than Kanye.
CANTA GIVES
A Z GA
. We shudder to think what he filled with the Gaz himself, but he “was too busy” Canta tried to get a five minute interview the interview we did our research to prior , aside That tes. minu five in those those five minutes with. Or what he filled name Gary Beadle) doesn’t have (real Gaz use Beca couldn’t do any research. (looked up Wikipedia) and discovered we have a Wikipedia page. He’s does who ily enough, there is another Gary Beadle a Wikipedia page. We know. Crazy. Funn have a page, Canta thought ’t doesn le Bead Gary ‘real’ the as in Eastenders. But the 51 year-old black guy who used to be facts we discovered. et intern d earne hard’t easy. Here’s some we’d get one underway for him. And it wasn
Real name: GARY (couldn’t find his middle name) BEADLE Born: March 22nd, 1988 (age:27) in New Castle Nationality: British Height: We’re guessing about 1.75m Occupation: Tiler (yeah, tiler!), unemployed, and now reality TV “star”
TV career: Gaz appeared on 11 seasons of Geordie Shore. He’s the only cast member to feature in all 11 seasons. We guess he didn’t have anything else on? Series 12 is being filmed now. He’s on that too. Who would have guessed? He once said, “It’s the best job in the world because I get p***** and s*** girls for a living.” Canta’s not very good with puzzles, so we’re still trying to work out what that means.
Ladies: Gaz claims to have bedded around 800-1,000 women. He’s not good with numbers. He also claims to have a photo album of chicks he’s “done”. It’s called “done”. And they say romance is dead.
Genitals: Rumoured to look like a parsnip. Or be the size of a parsnip. But as parsnips vary in size, we’re going with the ‘looks like’ thing. Also claims to have a penis the size of TV remote. What? Like an Apple TV remote? Or 1990s VCR remote? The case remains open.
Autobiography: Gaz called his autobiography “Gaz and my parsnip”. Don’t read it. Nobody else did.
Music: In December 2013, Gaz released his debut single Party Like a Rockstar (Up Your Game) in a bid to top the Christmas charts. It didn’t top the Christmas charts.
20 { Canta 2016 }
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2
ANDREW LITTLE Did you go to University? What did you study? Yes, I went to Victoria University, where I graduated with a BA and a LLB. I practiced as a lawyer full-time for eight years and then was secretary for what was then known as the EPMU – Engineering and Printing Manufacturing Union. Do you support the ‘Living Wage’ campaign? Would you implement it as minimum wage? We certainly support better incomes and support a move to adopting a living wage. In reality, the minimum wage and the low level wages for a whole bunch of people, for those who are being paid just above it, it’s an issue about growing income inequality in New Zealand anyway and there’s a number of reasons for that. Part of our challenge next time we’re in government is to redress that, redress the institutional things that are causing that income inequality gap. If you weren’t a politician, what profession do you think you would be in? I would go back to the law. I came pretty close to not being elected in 2014. I had 2 cases lined up all ready to go, as a lawyer. I loved practicing law, I love litigation, it’s like a production, you do your witness briefs, you plan your legal strategy. The good thing about being a lawyer for a union is that you put your legal strategy in the context of a bigger industrial strategy. That is what I enjoyed the most. 22 { Canta 2016 }
For future social and economic gain, surely free tertiary education is important isn’t it? What do you say to those who don’t support it? They don’t know what’s coming at us. They don’t know, or obviously haven’t accepted, the level of skill required to do most jobs in 20 years plus in the future are going to be at a level that people aren’t going to get those skills just from a good secondary school education. So more people are going to need access to post-school training and education than ever before. When was the last time you got drunk? Um… Leaders of the Opposition don’t do drunk. I’m sure I did once upon a time… I enjoy a craft beer. The thing about being in this role is you’re basically on show all the time, once you’re outside of home anything you do you’re on show, so you learn to conduct yourself. What is your stance on the legalisation of Marijuana? Perhaps I’ll go back to an experience when I was a lawyer working for the union. I dealt with the first cases of employers introducing alcohol and drug testing, so I did quite a bit of work on that in the first policies that were being introduced. What my research showed to me was that the high THC content of cannabis available in New Zealand can have a more significant effect on the underdeveloped brain than alcohol and other things. So my view is that we’ve got to be very
careful that what we do doesn’t put our young people, our young adolescent, at risk through easy access to cannabis. I don’t know what the answer is. The level of enforcement of our cannabis laws is very selective. It’s typically used by the police as a reason to nab somebody for other reasons, as opposed to everybody thinks stopping marijuana is a good idea. For those students reading this who think that voting is pointless, what do you have to say to them? Everything that parliament does, and therefore everything the MPs in parliament do, affects us all in one way or another. And so whether it’s laws that get passed about education, or safety, or human rights, or whatever, if it doesn’t affect them today it will definitely affect them tomorrow. And likewise the way taxpayer money is spent, they have a stake in that. When you do door knocking when you’re campaigning, you do come across people who say, “I don’t vote” – as if voting is a bad habit that they’ve managed to kick, like smoking. You should vote, part of the citizen’s responsibility, or duty in my view, is that you make sure that you exercise your right to vote, because there are plenty of other citizens of other countries around the world that don’t even get that right. Truth is, you have a right to have a say on things that happen to you, and you have a right to determine who it is that makes decisions that affect you, you should use that right.
JAMES SHAW Did you go to University? What did you study?
was a way to get paid to go skiing that’d be great.
Yes, I went to Victoria and then did postgrad at Bath, in the UK. It is probably fair to say I didn’t study anything much. My undergrad at Vic was in International Political Relations and World Religions. I actually didn’t graduate with that because I got involved with ISEP - a big international student exchange program run by students for students, and I ended up running the New Zealand branch of that, and then going to work for the International Secretariat in Brussels. I then got an internship with them at Price Waterhouse in London. I ended up actually never quite making it back to finish my final year. My postgrad was in Sustainability and Leadership at Bath Management School.
For future social and economic gain, surely free tertiary education is important isn’t it? What do you say to those who don’t support it?
Do you support the ‘Living Wage’ campaign? Would you implement it as minimum wage?
When was the last time you got drunk?
Yeah, yeah it is. I thought Labour’s announcement was a good one, I thought it was credible, I could run the numbers. They copped a bit of flak for it being staged in over a very long period of time but actually, you know, it’s an expensive proposition so you have to right? So I felt they had thought it through really well, and I also really like that their focus isn’t just on undergrad students but also on retraining, so that people who are displaced by technological change and all that kind stuff are able to move as well.
Monday. Yeah, absolutely. I mean I think it’s crazy the idea that we don’t pay people enough to live on. It’s embarrassing actually. So yes, I do support it. If you weren’t a politician, what profession do you think you would be in? Well I used to be a Management Consultant, but I think my phantasy version of myself, if I wasn’t a politician, would probably be a Ski Instructor. I love the snow. Man, I love the snow. You’d meet cool people and have fun all day. I mean, I just love to ski, so if there
What is your stance on the legalisation of Marijuana? Well we’ve always maintained that we should treat it like a health issue rather than a criminal issue. And that prohibition isn’t working, because it’s not like people don’t have access to it. What’s really interesting at the moment of course is that you’ve got 20 states in America that have got either decriminalisation, or full legalisation, or medical cannabis laws. And you’ve got a couple of other countries now, Portugal, Canada, and so on. What’s really
interesting is that the United States is the most puritan place in the western world, so clearly something’s afoot; But at the same time it’s really useful to have a whole bunch of places having different types of law around it, so you can actually see the effects of it – it’s good scientific method right? You can actually compare and contrast what works, what doesn’t work, and so on. I have a feeling that it’s not going to be terribly long before it comes up in parliament in New Zealand. For those students reading this who think that voting is pointless, what do you have to say to them? Well, first of all, I understand why people have that attitude, and I think we tend to blame people and go “oh you’re so apathetic, you’re so checked out” and so on. Actually I think that politics and politicians don’t give people a good enough reason to vote. I think that’s quite an informed choice for a lot of people. Having said that, the government policy tends to favour older people, and that’s because they do vote and there are lots of them. So one of the reasons why old people in New Zealand are quite well looked after, and retired people are quite well looked after, as compared to, let’s say, students is because they wield political power through their vote. So for people who are kind of pissed off that the government doesn’t pay them enough attention, doesn’t look after them… well clubbing together with some people and voting does actually make a difference. { Canta 2016 }
23
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Functional Inefficiency: Just Give Away Money Instead? a BY KYLE GIBSON asting time, and paying people to do so, is crucial to the continued functioning of our society - at least, that’s what I’ve just learned. I just finished enjoying a seminar entitled ‘Functional Inefficiency: The Unexpected Benefits of Wasting Time and Money’ hosted by the Philosophy department and given by Peter Wenz (a visiting Erskine fellow). As Peter explained, people have to be doing stuff or social pressures make them sad (paraphrasing here...). A recent history of progress and development has given us an abundance of efficiency; a few blokes, their big factory, and fancy robots can churn out all of our toys and gadgets. Seemingly at odds with this, inefficiencies sneak into our systems everywhere. Examples given by Peter included individual vehicles, free car parking, and the US health system. Free car parking is the most interesting example, and well explained by Peter. Consider how much space in Christchurch is taken up by car parks. Every car park in the city is space that causes buildings to be constructed further apart. The suburbs are bigger and the shops further apart so that we can use cars in everyday transportation around the city. We all travel further, because the city is bigger, so that we can use cars. Every park we pay to pave, and every meter further we travel because of a car park, is a subsidy for cars! Ok… so what? If we want cars this isn’t inefficient, it’s just an accurate reflection of our priorities! Is there a point here? The parallels between areas of, apparent, inefficiency brought the point home for me. Reducing unemployment is a really good thing, but is it inefficient? From our politicians we want our country guided into greater economic grown and more jobs. More GDP, less unemployment… it’s just making our country better 101! But do any of us actually want more work? If we seek
to minimize unemployment directly, don’t we just risk inefficiently pursuing what we really want - more money for everyone! More jobs means more money, which turns into demand for products. Demand which translates into more products. Production which translates into more jobs. It’s a cycle of growth which, alongside market competition and technological development rewards us with more material wealth. I love material wealth, and this efficient cycle is my favorite thing about our civilisation! But… it’s breaking, and we all know
it. That crucial final step which causes the cycle to renew is being destroyed - more production isn’t going to translates into more jobs. The lovely lubricant of technological development and competition which has facilitated the positive feedback loop is bringing us the automation… more production will still mean more jobs, but those jobs are going to be for robots. Peter will be giving us his solutions in his coming two seminars, the hints make me think he’s going to suggest inefficiencies as the solution. Wrangle the cycle such that more jobs are created as the cycle spins - we need the jobs to keep the wheel spinning anyway. Screw the robots, this is my work… damn greedy robots! OK, but if the answer is really to have me work away my life unnecessarily
surely we’ve dropped the ball on the reasoning somewhere? During the Q&A after the seminar a universal basic income was discussed - forget the jobs-for-humans part and ‘give away’ (redistribution) money to access that precious demand! Decouple our role as consumers from our role in the labour market! …Well, my simple model of the economy above sure makes it sounds like a good idea, especially if robots really will end up doing that much of our work. However, the answer wasn’t that simple. This was a group of serious academics after all, rigour demanded that dreams of robot slaves be crushed! Two big problems were identified: political will and the human psyche. Current evidence indicates that people get sad when they can’t work (boo, lazy bum!) and that politicians can’t fly the free money flag (and receive votes…). Then, of course, there is also the issue of when robots are going to be doing this much of the work. So, that leaves us with a serious issue. We love our economic growth cycle, it underpins our civilisation. Frankly, it looks to me like we’ve bet the farm on it at this point! Keep growing, keep developing, hope like hell the results solve the significant problems we’ve caused. Inequality, global warming, my desire to live forever, and our need for galactic conquest - let’s keep the machine rolling and see if we can get this all done! But, there’s a problem with the machine and it’s coming up fast. We’re going to need to figure out how we keep it rolling when it stops spitting out jobs for us to use to fund the demand we need to feed back in. For us that means making some hard calls and having a very long and very serious discussion. Social values are going to have to change as the face of work changes. Guess who changes social values? Yep, we do that (and it ain’t easy). Political will is going to be needed, guess who generates that? Damnit… that’s us too. { Canta 2016 }
25
ome s n o s e k a tt Canta’s hotalking points. recent FRESHERS IN #ACTIVEWEAR Sssssscccchhwing. TON’S NDWICH AT CHIL PRICES FOR A SA e other gone up. But on th Sure, prices have gone up. hand, prices have
10% OF AT LIQUOR KIN G IF YOU JOIN THE GC What sorcery is this?! Th e best kind of sorcery.
URSDAYS FOUNDRY TH wn out too s in, I was thro A ll. te to y rl Too ea early to tell. SIGNUPS AT THE SVA GETTING OVER 2,000 CLUBS DAY er happened. If I didn’t get a free T-shirt, it nev
RESS ON CAMPUS CONSTRUCTION PROG N/A
NEW $2 RICE IN A BOX Really great. Because it’s now in a box. Am I right? Bravo.
THE UCSA AP P Completely d iff because it ac erent to the old app. M tually works. ostly
CLUBS DAY Why can’t we do this EVERY week?! Because we have to give the gazebo back. That’s why.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO’S OSCAR SPEECH I couldn’t hear your rant about climate chan ge over the sound of your private jet. UC WIFI There’s UC W IFI?
I thought it w as a myth.
RUMOURS OF A UC MINI-PUTT COURSE I may never study again.
THIS WEATHER Too hot!*
FRESHERS Tall. Often drunk. Too many singlets.
*check back in for our “Too cold!” review in about a month
In a world full of censorship, bubble-wrapping, and politeness everybody frowns down at anything negative or critical. At Canta, we don’t think that this is healthy for our society. So we are rebelling against society and giving the world the healthy dose of criticism it needs in a segment called Bad Reviews. Each week we’ll review whatever we think is bad. Doesn’t matter what it is, if it’s bad, we’ll review it.
THE REVENANT Congratulations 2016, you’ve already managed to completely overrate something. That ‘something’ I’m talking about is The Revenant, a film directed by Alejandro G. Iñárritu, starring Leonardo DiCaprio, Tom Hardy, that guy with the eyebrows who looks like a grumpy caveman, and some other people. The film follows the story of a Fur Trader called Hugh Glass (DiCaprio) who is left for dead by his fur trader buddies after being attacked by a bear. A lot of buzz surrounding this film is that DiCaprio may have grunted and pulled enough ugly faces to finally win his first Academy Award (which he did). Admittedly, it is a good performance from DiCaprio, the amount of grunting noises he makes and the amount of ugly faces he pulls are pretty unparalleled, but it’s not the only good performance. Tom Hardy puts in a great performance as the antagonist, and deserves to collect up the Academy Award for Best Supporting Actor, more so than Mark Rylance, who was boring. But there aren’t enough great performances in the world from making this film interesting, seriously, holy shit this film is boring. The most interesting scene in this film is the opening, and then the film goes on for another 2 hours and 30 minutes. That time is filled in with dramatic music, mostly inaudible dialogue, and panning
shots of nature, similar to those used on the display televisions at Noel Leemings. One of the film’s great claims is that the whole thing was filmed using only natural light, which seems to have worked well for them, I’ve heard many people state that the film is so “beautiful” and that the setting of the film is “stunning”, even I’ll admit that the film looks “nice”. But unfortunately I don’t go see a film for the pretty background, I’m pretty sure nobody does. I go see a film for an interesting and compelling story about something, anything. I can’t figure out if this story is interesting or compelling because it is broken up by absurd amounts of shit camera shots of trees and piles of snow and stuff. The problem with nature and scenery shots is that they don’t actually provide any information to a film, they don’t provide character development, nor do they provide story development, all they provide is a developing hatred for nature. So in the end you’re left with an excessively lengthy film that has a storyline that really only took half an hour of the film to tell. The Revenant is an extraordinary rollercoaster of emotions that goes something like this: “Oh yes, this film looks like it’s going to be an action-packed adventure!” “Okay well not quite as action packed, but it still looks like it’s going to be a really interesting story.” “Right, well I’m not sure why we’re looking at a waterfall now. But it’s fine.” “Umm… we’ve been staring at this waterfall for quite a while now” “Oh good, back with the characters again… Not doing much…” “Something exciting is about to happen! I can feel it!” “Why the fuck am I staring at a tree now?!” CONCLUSION Don’t see The Revenant. It’s long. It’s boring. It’s part of your time on earth spent badly.
JIMMY’S WORLD a JAMES ADDINGTON, UCSA PRESIDENT Hello hello, welcome to the first all-new independent CANTA! For the first time in a long time students are now leading the charge on CANTA. We welcome Liam and his team, and look forward to what they have in store. What does the President actually do? Just about every day someone comes up to me and asks, “so Jimbo, what do you actually do as President?” In the interests of helping you figure this place out, and hopefully stop asking me so much, here is my attempt to explain my role. I have split into four broad categories. Governance: The first part is the Governance of the UCSA. The Executive (made up of 12 elected students) is the governing body of the Association, and the equivalent of a Board of Directors or Trustees. As President I am Chairperson of the Executive/Board meetings. Governance is there to monitor performance, give direction and, to hold management to account - essentially to ensure that UCSA is operating for students. Representation: Secondly, my role is to represent students at the university level. The Executive sit on a range of faculty and UC committee bodies as the student representatives. e.g. Chanuka De Silva (Commerce Rep) sits on Commerce Faculty; and Commerce sub-committees including Health & Safety, special matters, and Academic Reviews. All major faculty and college matters then go up to the Academic Board, which Mikaela (VicePresident) and I sit on. Mikaela and I have visibility of everything going on
within UC faculties, and will have a good understanding when it comes to Academic Board. Academic Board then reports to University Council, of which I am also a member. Community/stakeholders: As President, I am also the media spokesperson and go-to person for the UCSA. This generally means any community complaints about all things ‘student’ come to me. I liaise with neighbours and students on any issues raised. Essentially, anything involving UC students or the Association in the community or wider Christchurch ... I have to be aware of, and handle. Unfortunately, more often than not it usually involves something bad. But we’re working on that! I also go along to our Community meetings and UC Community meetings and speak on behalf of students. Building and Building Fundraising This one is a major at the moment. As you know, we have new UCSA Building coming. I am heavily involved in the design and development of the building to ensure it is by the students, for the students. On top of that, we are starting a fundraising campaign with the hope to raise $5million for the project. This is starting to take up a significant amount of my time as we get closer to launching the campaign half way through the year. Any more questions (or if you have a rich uncle who wants to support the new building) hit me up at: president@ucsa.org.nz
MIKAELA RÜEGG a UCSA VICE-PRESIDENT Congratulations students, you have officially survived Orientation. Hopefully you got what you wanted outta your first few weeks UC. Unless what you wanted was highly illegal. Easily my favourite part of what we (the University of Canterbury Students’ Association) put on for Orientation is Clubs Day. Don’t get me wrong, getting dressed up and wild for Toga and Mardi Gras is a blast - but clubs have a special place in my heart, and the heart of UC. Clubs Day definitely went off this year, with a record number of signups! A very large congrats is in order for The Student Volunteer Army (SVA) for getting the most sign ups out of any club on campus. Clubs are the pride and joy of the Students’ Association, no other university in the country has the kind of campus culture we have. Whether you are into musical theatre, partying, math or chess, there’ll be something here for you to get involved with and meet likeminded people. Or better yet, try something new! I’m pretty keen on expanding my cultural experience and joining the Medieval Society for some serious sword fights. Anyway, you get the idea: GET INVOLVED. University is so much more than morning lectures and late nights in the library. So make the most of it, and have a fantastic 2016. The Joe Biden to James Addington’s Barack Obama, Mikaela Rüegg (vice-president@ucsa.org.nz)
CANTA’S EXEC WATCHDOG The USCA Executive team is made up of 12 students, who are just like you and me. Except of course they have the huge task of actually being on the Exec. But they all worked hard to convince you that they’re up to that task. It would be easy to spend the year complaining and criticising what the Exec does, it would also be very easy to do the exact opposite, and spend all year praising their actions. However, the Exec is an important part of this University and we should treat it like so. We’ll tell them when they do something great, we’ll tell them when they’ve fucked up. Simple as that. We just want them to do the best job possible. However, since they all campaigned to get their position on the Exec, lets makes sure they did so for the right reasons, with a little segment I like to call…
“ So, How’s that going?”
In each issue, this little checklist will appear, on this checklist are all the promises various members made when campaigning to get onto the Exec. If a promised is met, well they get a nice wee tick, if that promise is never met, then this will stand as a testament to how lazy they are.
Independent Canta 24 hour access rooms A good UCSA app te A modernised UCSA websi A support network for clubs
ilding the rebuild of the UCSA Bu Student forums and blog for undry into town t takes people from the Fo tha ht nig y da tur Sa on s bu A deals V-Plate food and beverage Cafés open longer hours ns Communal vegetable garde etc…) ble chargers, headphones, nta (re t jec Pro ers arg Ch S SO rtfolio Introduce a sustainability po ament An Interfaculty Sports Tourn mpetition Redesigned social-sport co 2 ply toilet paper
Horoscopes Pisces (Feb 19- Mar 20)
Life can be tense at times, but you always grab it by the horns and hope for the best. Unless of course you are grappling the horns of a wild Ox, in which case you must run. If running is a challenging task for you, simply pretend the Ox is a Lion who has instructed you to ‘leave…and never return’. Who knows, maybe one day you’ll become king. Capricorn (Dec 22- Jan 19) You’re born around the same time as Jesus, which means you’re extra special. Your month will be full of joy and celebration however be aware that disgruntled roman soldiers may enter your life at any given time. To get rid of them, press 3 and ask for Margaret. Aquarius (Jan 20- Feb 18) Happiness, laughter and delight are all irrelevant to this horoscope. However you will become famous in the most dishonourable manner. Let’s just hope that the fame you receive doesn’t go straight to your head. Be thankful and humble, like a mid-60’s Taiwanese man after complementing him on his aromatic vegetable garden. Aries (Mar 21- April 19) This week’s problems and woes will come to you in the shape of a bulky tricycle. Remember to chew before you swallow, always spray before you wipe, and always remember that business clothes are not suitable for Jacuzzi’s. Please take your extraordinary ideas about personal freedom elsewhere. Taurus (Apr 20- May 20) Oh La La! Romance is in the air! Life can be as romantic as you wish to make it. You often find yourself in love with those you consider as pets, which is both awkward for you, them, and the SPCA. Like the old saying goes, a man with nine roosters has enough
knowledge of his picnic to build an army of lemons. Gemini (May 21- Jun 20) You may be seeing double today. You will look into your past and see someone who you wish you still were, you have become someone else who you are not proud of. Stop reading this horoscope now. However, if you wish to still remain confused, I ate bread, bubbles and carrots at dawn. Cancer (Jun 21- Jul 22) Bugger! You’re luck has run out. Do not pass go, do not collect two-hundred thousand dollars. A horrible thing will happen to you. Everyone knows Cancer is awful, Cancer the Naughty Crab cusses and swears on a regular basis. To fight this mischievous crustacean you should prepare a pot of seasoned water, simmer, then cook Cancer with some Oamaru new potatoes and baby gem lettuce. Leo (Jul 23- Aug 22) Well, what to say about you? First of all, your star sign falls in the winter, and it’s summer. In fact, right now you’re worthless, just like the cold coat-hanger in the far left corner of the closet that holds nothing. Like the time I have for you and your winterish, cold and bitter days, you have none of it left. Virgo (Aug 23- Sep 22) You need to be yourself and stop being fake. Stop pretending to understand
things when you have no idea what is going on. You think that when you smile and nod your head that everyone thinks you understand. But everyone knows you don’t. Libra (Sep 23- Oct 22) Like the TPPA, agreements made now could work out well in the future. You are a planner who likes to think ahead, however, sometimes you often make last minute changes and adjustments. Your lucky numbers for the week are: 18, 8.3, 6, and -45. Scorpio (Oct 23- Nov 21) Gold, Diamonds, Silver and Bronze. They are all amazing, but very expensive. You may need to lower your expectations if the stars and planets align correctly. In fact you’ll be lucky to get a plastic spoon as a gift. A cheeky way to get this plastic spoon, is to simply purchase a chocolate sundae from any fast-food outlet and you’ll get the plastic spoon for free. What an amazing world we inhabit. Sagittarius (Nov 22- Dec 21) Don’t be embarrassed by your actions today, embrace your flamboyant and camp side. Be happy and stop worrying about other people. Speak slowly and your words will be heard. Kindling is useful to start a fire. However, metaphorical fires can be started using an over-dramatic pinecone or a grumpy yet wise piece of 2x4 plank. Don’t believe anything you read today.
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