Canta, Issue 2, 2016

ISSUE 22 ISSUE

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Letters to the Editor The Foundry ENSOC

DISCLAIMER: The opinions presented in this Canta magazine are not necessarily those held by the UCSA or this University.

Canta is now independent of the UCSA and is run by a student-led team. Every issue of Canta is signed-off by the UCSA Exec before printing. Send any queries or complaints to president@ucsa.org.nz and canta@canta.co.nz Enjoy.

Stupid Questions at the Cafe Toilet Turmoil Canta Investigates: Patient Zero

14 Owly O’Connells Corner 15 UCWW: Ladies Claim Your Gainz 18 Apollo 13 20 Horoscopes 22 The Big Stuff 25 Donald Trump: Is he the new Messiah?

26 Exec & Exec Reply 28 Grad Ball 29 Canta’s Restaurant Review

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ARE YOU CURTAIN ME?

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{ Canta 2016 }

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Canta: You didn’t fi nd it funny?

Funny that.

The Edit or ADRENALINE

JUNKIE

Dear Canta I’ve been growing more and more concerned recently with the speed in which people travel around campus. People on skateboards and bicycles seem to be going dangerously fast and someone will inevitably get hurt. Could you possibly put a notice in your next issue, simply just warning people to slow down and be aware of others?

Thanks Clarice

Canta: No. That speed fuels the thrills!

Feel the thrill of the danger Clarice. Who is going to hit the concrete first? You? Me? Someone else entirely? Nobody knows, but that’s half the fun.

WHER E’S WA POOR HYGIELLY AND NE? HIS Dear Canta Could yo of chemicuaplease investigate I’m horrib l and/or bacterial the presence warfare at sick and it else is tooly UC? see s tha t everyon intentionall! Are you sure thm e e re y is n’t an I’m not say trying to get ev eryone sicyone ing that I’v chemical w k? e see coughing a arfare or anyonen any signs of a n ro d u sn nd ndom eezing on not rulin ly people, bra it out as a to know g ut I’m p o ss ib th il it a having a c t I’m safe that’s a y. I just want old, but th at’s aboullt. I can handle it.

You know, it’s your fa if we all get Gland ult. You ha u r Fever the truth, so ve the pola next, it ’l l b e blood on wer to uncover if you don’t y d o o u r a h nything ab handle tha out it. Caannds t? you Bruce Nots oalmighty

Canta: Well congratulat ions, your gu worked. We ilt trip ’ve done th e investigatin Results wil g. l shock you.

Hey Canta Loving the print quality.

From 300dpi

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{ Canta 2016 }

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How’s it gaaan?

In the past we have perhaps been mistreated, misled or unsatisfied with the past attempts of the Foundry. So its no wonder a few of us are reluctant to go forth and surrender ourselves one last time.

So I ask this once more of you, can you ever froth at the Foundry again? Well let go of those mixed reviews as this year the Foundry promises not to be found-dry (punny, I know, I try).

The foundry has arrived into 2016 with a different image in mind, different expectations and unlike the students they will be attracting, they’re not procrastinating, especially when it comes to throwing this years biggest raves.

I know what your all thinking, yeah right, I’ve heard this far too many times, BUT continue reading my precious, as the following might just change your mind!

The man behind the miracle is Toby Eaton, and with the help of UCSA, the foundry is looking mighty attractive.New carpet, drapes and a sound system good enough it will make your ears bleed, has all been fitted in just for us!

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{ Canta 2016 }

The vision for the mother ship is revolved around the word ‘habit’. Not the habit that we usually refer to like nail biting or drinking (which is more like a disorder), but having weekly days dedicated to what Toby calls his vision of a “student paradise”.

I’ll set the scene for you; Once upon a time after a busy day at University you will be delighted to hear that Tuesday nights won’t just be dedicated to the showing of that crap-pile, the Bachelor, but will also include a quiz night. Your night will be occupied with discounted cheap drinks, food, and entertainment you won’t get from anywhere else in Ilam.

Hump Day, also known in its common term as ‘Wednesday’, is now Pub night. Where you can dive into some free pool, karaoke and even intake in a cheeky cut from the Barber shop out back…Perfect for those lads wanting to look extra sharp on their night out.

And now for the God Father of all nights, “Foundry Thursdays”, where acts from all over New Zealand and the great outside world will be performing a range of ear throbbing beats.

Unlike other years the foundry is bringing out the big guns when it comes to saving

that thing you have very little of, money!

V cards are now your best friend when it comes to making food or drink orders.

Toby has been generous enough to extend his charitable offers in lowering cost so us students can ride on these deals. 7:00PM9:00PM is happy hour with…wait for it…$20 for 3-4 drinks!! And not the crap “do-bros” or “Cindy’s” but vodka RTDs, and even providing us the luxury taste of Monteiths.

If your not a big drinker and prefer to have your satisfaction come in the form of food, then here you go, $8 for Chicken and Chips or $10 for burgers and beer.

Just on the basis of that, is it worth making flat meals anymore?

Now I know we’ve had low points at the foundry, before meeting with Toby, we were also strong believers in sharing the great ‘Foundry Flop’ view. Even calling the foundry the ‘Flounder’ because it was so flat!

Now that word is taboo.

Now one of those low points that many

students found was the great toilet paper shortage. We understand that basic needs have to be addressed, it’s a luxury that we don’t have to worry about paying for when we go out.

Though its only 1ply, there is no such thing as a shortage of toilet paper! And if the situation arises then use your noggin and simply signal the beautiful Jess or anyone behind the bar…they’ve got your back (side)!

Now the bouncers, the bouncers aren’t bad people, bouncers are our friends, they are who we turn to when the lad who smells like curry gets too close. If you think you have been hard done by, then perhaps you were too peeled to ener the grounds – I mean the vodka stained shirt you were wearing, and your inability to talk properly is a bit of a give-away to the bouncer that you’re shitfaced.

“Foundry is love” I say. “foundry is life” Go forth and froth the foundry.

{ Canta 2016 }

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This is the first of the Clubs pieces. This started as a gag piece, with me ripping apart the clubs on their perceived failures and their faults, ridiculing them for their amateur status, and immature stunts to gain attention.

But what happened was far scarier. The clubs all had a story, reflecting the university experience that they catered for, experiences that I had no idea existed, or even theorised about.

I hope that as you read, you get a greater appreciation for the clubs at our university.

I started off with my great white whale, the looming beast of the Canterbury University experience: Ensoc.

We all know Ensoc. The club with the biggest membership, the loosest humans around, the twenty or so committee members that this year alone received between $41,250 and $57,750 smackaroos from one club’s day. That’s a lot of money. What happens to it?

I sat down with some of their committee and found out if any of it was true.

First of all, I really didn’t like Ensoc and had a my really pretentious leather bound book full of critical questions to ask; What do you think of the club’s reputation? Is the rumour true that your club is crashing from the heights of five years ago? Have you got any plans to make the club great again? Are you going to scrap the fire engine?

The gentlemen who were volunteered on behalf of the Ensoc committee, I must say, were magnificent to talk to.

Ensoc is a declining club. That was the definitive theme of the meeting. And as I found out is not unique to Ensoc. Clubs seem to rise and fall on a five-year basis. In the early 2000’s, Motosoc was the club to be a part on campus. With the role peaking at 3000 members, they were the club.

Then it declined, naturally, with the earthquakes killing whatever was left and leaving the club with their cars under a sheet in a garage until the roads were repaired. At the same time Ensoc was rising, peaking out about five years ago.

Since then it has steadily declined, from sold out BBQ’s to a ball that was the envy of the campus to a bad reputation and a national audience for any mistakes. Committee failures, and stupid mistakes have robbed them of much of their dignity, but they forge on, making anew from the ashes of failure.

This mainly took the form of trying to remove the drunken tattooed jock image that haunts their events. Ensoc is, first and foremost, an academic club. Time and time again they pushed it onto me. The main role that Ensoc sees itself as is helping people get a degree. I have pages that simply say that. Big letters; “We don’t want to help people drink. We want you to pass you degree.” To this end they have toned down the BBQ’s, maybe the ball isn’t what it used to be.

That year when it was so big that it took all the money for the fourth BBQ. Balancing this out is the committee pushing more academic programs, more tutoring, more exposure, more jobs for its member’s post university.

Good for them. There are a few problems in helming a falling club. All their events are run at a loss, balanced by the astronomical amount of money that they receive at the start and middle of the year from sign ups. It is nice to know that there a reason why Ensoc needs to have the most expensive sign up on campus. $35 is a ridiculous amount, and even without the tee shirt $25, it is still a lot. By comparison, the Snow Sport Club sign up is $25, and they have a lodge to care for. Or the Debating club is $10, and the GC is $20, both with events but few assets.

For a club that has no assets apart from a fire engine, $50,000 is a lot of money, and the fact that it is all spent, on a loss, is deeply

concerning. I was assured that it was not spend on committee iPhones or booze, and that the club did not use it frivolously, but unless you are doing something astronomically stupid, like investing in land in the Netherlands, there is something wrong with your procedures. If any other club did that, they would be lampooned, and quite rightly so.

So that is why the sign up is so expensive. Their events, sponsors and academic programs cost more money than they can ask from you. So they don’t. They charge you at the start at the year, and then undercut the cost all the other times. It appears to work.

But onwards. The meat of the conversation, the entire reason that Ensoc was the club I went to first, was to address the persistent rumour on campus that they receive money from the UCSA outside grants. Every club can apply for up to $1000 from the UCSA a term. Fair is fair, but the rumour persists. So I asked, and I received. Neither committee members were quite sure, but long story short, they do receive money from the University, along with three other clubs; Females in Engineering, Engineers without borders and The Institute of Electrical and Electronics Engineers. To the best of their knowledge no other clubs receives it, but if it they did, is this right? Here we have a club, a massive club, with enough money to put down a deposit on a house in Auckland, nearly, receiving yet more money. Even if the money totals at five dollars, is this right?

My bearded Ensoc representative countered this by saying that it was faculty money. Indeed, all faculty clubs should be eligible for money from their respective faculty. As it stands, they spend all their money on events, their little shop, which is cheaper than UBS, and getting graduates a job. None of it goes to the committee for personal use. There, that rumour settled.

But the reputation of the club still precedes it,

ironically, as the university uses Ensoc for most of its advertising campaigns. To be fair, Ensoc have made some almighty cock-ups in the past. The undie500 and subsequent riots. The Blackface incident. The disgraceful scapegoating of the roundie500 and national attention.

Considering all this, they have done well by their students and faculty, but face an uphill battle to reinvigorate the club.

Finally we talked about the fire engine. No they aren’t going to get rid of it, despite it sucking money. If it had a student loan, the Government would be wanting interest on it ASAP. It doesn’t work at the moment, but it is a symbol of the club, and in a way a fitting one. A very expensive, bit battered, part of the university that’s seen better times, but will be around for a long while, simply catering for the students and trying to make university a bit more exciting.

{ Canta 2016 }

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S

DI TU TH S DE A C N O N KS TO UN T UC T S A

Student Discount Promo Code: UCSA

s n o i t s e u Q d Stupi the Cafe Ladies are asked Are questions like this common in the high establishment of our university? Well the answer is yes. More than once a day according to the cafes located around campus.

The phrase may run that “the customer is always right,” but it is well-known to anyone who has ever worked in the business, that sometimes, “the customer is really bloody stupid/has no grip on reality.” So on this installment of Behind Closed Ovens, we take a look at some of the best and stupidest questions those working in the cafes around campus have ever received.

“Excuse me is your bread , vegetarian?”

So if some of you are second guessing on what you might want to ask then just know the staff don’t want to kill, harm or cause you any inconvenience. In fact they want to help fill your bellies up. “ Just know what you want when you get here, as we understand your time constraints,’’ Debs said.

At the 1898 café assistant Deb Bishop, opened up to us on what she deals with daily.

Questions like: “Does the tomato chutney contain tomato?” or our personal favorite, “does the banana cake contain fruit?”

On their shelves they frequently stock the desirable vegan kibbeh, but as Deb runs us through one fine afternoon, someone made a specific enquiry… “Does the vegetarian kibbeh have any meat in it at all?”

This specific question is not a one-off as apparently it is asked several times a week. Therefore CANTA would love to help prevent any further confusion in releasing the crucial reasoning behind this fine products name. There is no meat in the vegetarian kibbeh. This is because it is vegetarian…meaning no meat or meat products involved in its manufacture. Amen.

Customers who have arrived at the popular café have also specifically asked the barista for their coffee to contain both blue and green top milk. Personally, what is the point of this?

Answer none, you’re just bored or very indecisive.

On the day that your student loan or allowance has comes in, if you’re like us, you feel extra fly when it comes to ordering drinks. Why not add a little ‘flare’ while you’re at it? Well these students have tried and failed when it has come to miss pronouncing drinks. Jess from the Foundry explains what she has come across nightly while serving behind the bar…

Stel-ah Ar-Toise, is actually pronounced as stel-lah Ar-Twa. Jag-er-mincer, is actually pronounced yay-ger-my-ster.

Ho-garden, is actually pronounced who-garden.

Even those of you who are new to the game, cannot be forgiven for asking the simplest of things like “What is in a Gin and Tonic?” or “A Bourbon and Coke?”

I now have a question for you, how did you even get into university?

We understand how easy it is to make mistakes or regurgitate some verbal diarrhea, but in some of these disturbing cases, it makes us wonder…are you cereal??

Just as UC have repeatedly said, “Think first.”

This might just be a sideline to the previous questions but one customer has been paranoid enough to ask the barista what she/ he was injecting into the milk when preparing the beverage. We can confirm that the mystery ingredient is in fact, steam… So young soul, you can now go on with your day surviving what was thought to be a possible assassination attempt or were you just hopeful on getting high?

Someone has even reportedly asked if they can have their chicken to be made available at room temperature... no Doll, that is what they call food poisoning. { Canta 2016 }

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There are some things in this world that just shouldn’t exist for long, like the Kardsashians, or most American sitcoms. In both examples, storylines get repetitive and their lives become the same boring crap day in day out. However, this rings eerily true about my life also, I’m sick of constantly facing the same routine every day. I’m not talking about my entire daily routine – that’s fairlty inconsistent. No, I’m talking about one very specific routine that just ends in frustration every single day. My routine goes something a little like this: •

I need to go toilet.

•

I go to the toilet.

•

I perform toilet related activities.

It’s at this point that things begin to go shit (excuse the pun). I look over to my right and go to reach for some toilet paper. Only to discover that the toilet paper has been replaced by some form of disappointing 1-ply crêpe paper that doesn’t possibly have enough dignity to be called toilet paper. Is it some kind of sick joke? I can’t use 1-ply toilet paper, nobody can! 1-ply toilet paper appears to have been invented with the sole purpose of not co-operating humans. Seriously, in what world is something with the strength and durability of… of…

I can’t think of anything weaker 1-ply toilet paper, that’s how weak it is.

There, in that moment, most are faced with two options. Option 1 is to use this frankly appalling and unhygienic product. Option 2 is to fish out of your bag a spare piece of paper and use that instead.

Whether that piece of paper is a flier for Jesus Christ Superstar or a merely a piece of refill paper, it’s entirely up to you what you choose. Just know that option two is more uncomfortable than you might imagine, as this one reporter went a step too far to find out.

With this in mind, it essentially leaves us with the lone option of using this pathetic 1-ply nonsense.

Which then raises the question of why do we have to use just 1-ply? Is our University really in such a bad state that we can’t even fork out enough for an extra ply?

I certainly don’t think we are. I think there’s a conspiracy going on.

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I think us students are being played for fools. Well, not all students, College House students are void from this because we all know they wipe their asses with $100 bills, but forget about that for now. To prove whether my conspiracy theory about there being a conspiracy is correct or not, is fairly simple.

All I have to do is find out what our superiors use.

What ply our lecturers use, our elected student body use, or even, what our Vice-Chancellor uses.

Unfortunately it’s quite hard to stalk 12 UCSA Exec members and 100s of lecturers around campus and into toilets without someone noticing. So I decided to skip right over all of them and go straight to the top, what toilet paper does Vice-Chancellor Rod Carr use? Two, three, maybe even four ply?

I’m not going to lie, this was probably the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. No binge watching of Spy Kids could ever prepare me for the level of stealth required for Operation: Rod’s Toilet. However, I did manage to pull off the operation, and it can now be confirmed (in a Canta exclusive) that Rod Carr uses…

The exact same toilet paper as us.

Shocking? Yes. Anti-climactic? Yes, definitely.

Important? Very. To know that even those in the highest positions within our University subject themselves to the sheer torturous impracticality of 1-ply toilet paper I think speaks volumes. At least if he was using 2-ply toilet paper it would mean that this place was cool enough for a conspiracy. But no, we’re not even cool enough for that. We’re left to be robbed of our dignity while wiping our asses with the paper equivalent of Romeo and Juliet; excessively weak and inconvenient to everyone.

So what does this mean for the future? It probably means we’ll start getting downgraded versions of everything. Unfiltered water in the water fountains, all new books in the library will now be unedited, and lecturers will now be people who bought their Doctorates online for $10.99. This toilet paper turmoil is merely the first stage in the University of Canterbury’s Armsgeddon. By now you’re probably asking yourself “What can I do to prevent this?” Well there’s really not much we can do. The end is nigh. But if you really want to make the end slightly un-nigh, simply poo at home.

Hey you, whoever you are reading this, read the following article very carefully. Your life could depend on it.

It is not a safe time at the University of Canterbury. If you are sitting calm and relaxed right now, you should stop doing so. Now is not the time to relax, because we are all being attacked. While we sit there reading a book, listening to a lecturer, not listening to a lecturer, or shagging in the 7th floor toilets. We. Are. All. Being.

Attacked. There is no where you can hide. What’s even worse is that we can even see what’s attacking us.

We’re all getting the shit mercilessly beat out of us, in front of our peers and we can’t even defend ourselves.

How embarrassing.

my sneeze? How did I let it fester and develop? Well I probably live in a crappy rental property, with no insulation or warmth whatsoever. To help the disease, I’m probably unhygienic and live on a terrible diet. All important factors in nursing my sneeze into its most disgusting state. Also don’t forget I am at university, so I must study something. The problem is, I could study a variety of different things, from Cinema, to Fine Arts, to Law, to Sports Coaching, and they all have merits when it comes to spreading disgusting and/or inconvenient things.

I am of course talking about the one and only, infamous ‘Fresher Flu’. A flu that at roughly the same time every year seems to come, humiliate all of us, and leave again. With Social Media becoming an ever more vital organ for our generation, Fresher Flu seems to become a bigger and bigger issue every year. So it’s about time someone had a good, hard look at the facts and figured out the truth behind this infamous disease.

Who starts it? Is it intentional? Well you’re about to find this all out.

So far I’ve described a longboarding uni student with poor living and personal hygiene standards as our Patient Zero culprit. Yes, I realise that I haven’t done very well at profiling a potential culprit, all I’ve managed to do is profile half the university.

Okay I get that alliteration is cool but ‘Fresher Flu isn’t exactly an accurate name, statistically it’s unlikely that a Fresher actually starts the flu. But I’m still all for Freshers having their own disease, maybe something like ‘First Timer Tinnitus’ or ‘First Year Yellow Fever’.

Just not ‘Fresher Flu’ because this is a far more serious disease that we all have the potential to die from, so therefore does not deserve the kind of jovial name of Fresher Flu. From now on I will be referring to Fresher Flu as ‘Super Sneeze’, as it is a less contentious name that does not imply anything. The reason I am doing this is because I want to find the real cause of Super Sneeze, the Patient Zero.

In order to find Patient Zero I have to think like Patient Zero. What would they wear? Where would they travel? Who would they target? I have to think about what is most practical to a bacterial terrorist. Firstly, I have to be able to get around quickly, to spread my super sneeze yet somehow make it not appear obvious I’m sneezing on people. Of course! I ride a longboard. Longboarding all day throughout the University, sneezing everywhere I go, no one would suspect a thing because I look cool. Where did I get

So, what does this mean? Well basically it means that every year when a flu comes through our University and creates absolute hell with everyone’s sinuses it’s to be completely expected. We are essentially a giant cesspool of gross people who don’t or can’t do much about our hygiene. Defined by our diets of two-minute noodles, drugs, alcohol, fast food, and more twominute noodles. And our favourite past-times of drugs, alcohol, one-night stands, and our constant fixation with pushing our body far beyond its dignified limits.

It’s no surprise we have a flu problem every year, so with that in mind, keep calling it ‘Fresher Flu’. You may as well blame it on them when it’s everybody’s fault anyway.

This week’s topic: Bank Notes Over the next couple of years New Zealand will be rolling out new, more colourful notes. More of an update than an upheaval, all the familiar New Zealand icons – Sir Edmund Hillary, Kate Sheppard, Queen Elizabeth and so on – will reappear. The new notes will be brighter, cleaner, and continue to misrepresent contemporary New Zealand society.

Talk about squandering an opportunity. Despite not having any international recognition, it is in fact the appearance of our banknotes in which international visitors will most regularly see. Not our flag, or the anthem. Tourists touch and look at bank notes every day. They will take them home as souvenirs and study them. Who and what is on each note is not just a window into New Zealand’s brief history, but attitudes of the present.

Since dealing with money can be an uncomfortable exercise for some, in consolation, it would be nice for it to at the least look cool, and at the most represent the person spending it.

First, we (and by ‘we’ I mean just me because I’m the author) should decide who can stay. Hillary was the first to climb the highest mountain in earth. Love of adventure, perseverance, and courage are key qualities hidden in every Kiwi – he can stay. By that same ‘first-to-do-something’ logic, Kate Sheppard should also stay. But after having to learn about her suffrage movement every year through primary school, she’s beginning to bore me. So despite possibly being branded as a horrible sexist – she can go. Further not helping my feminist case, Queen Elizabeth – she can go. Lizzie has not set foot on New Zealand ground since 2002, instead she sends her sons – who lovingly visited this fine University last year – in her place. Most have no idea who is on the $50 note, mostly because most of us don’t have $50 notes. And when you hear that it is University of Canterbury alumni Apirana Ngata, you probably like I did have no idea what he is famous for. Name recognition is vital – he can go.

That brings us to Sir Ernest Rutherford, another Canterbury alumni who was the first to split the atom and in the process played a pivotal role in the creation of nuclear weapons. That incredibly un-Kiwi – he is gone. It should be no surprise that the lone remaining figure is someone who’s historical legacy is remotely related to sport – I’m bias – but Edmund Hillary is probably the most internationally known. He climbed Everest!

First! If I were Norwegian, Roald Amundsen, the first man to the South Pole, would be pictured everywhere. To be the first to physically conquer natures greatest, that deserves reward.

Shock! Surprise! My first probable replacement is Richie McCaw – our real King. Humble, dedicated, decorated, and just, well awesome, McCaw represents everything a New Zealand wishes to be. Soon to be knighted, when McCaw wins – and he wins a lot – I get along with millions of other Kiwis, real emotional joy. Lifting that World Cup aloft, I got goose-bumps. Let’s go niche. It’ll be against the Apirana Ngata ‘I don’t know who that is rule,’ but how about Dave Gallaher. “Never heard of him?” you may say. Well, Gallahar was the Richie McCaw of the early 20th Century. And he looked like it: dashing with a gentleman-like moustache, imperial, but tough. Captain of the 1905 Originals, Gallahar led a British tour that resulted in 34 All Black wins, losing only 1 after a controversial call against Wales.

Non-sportsmen: David Lange stood up against the new nuclear world and put New Zealand on the international map, if even as a significant pain in the ass. Maori freedom fighter Hone Heke (or terrorist depending on perspective) was present at the Treaty of Waitangi’s signing then led a fighting movement to uphold it. All these political leaders are rather serious, so how about a lovable Kiwi character: Billy T James. Humour is a lovable value, and Billy T had the whole nation in giggles with his own. I think Maui – basically Maori Jesus – is severely unrated as a significant New Zealand icon. If it wasn’t for that fishing trip, New Zealand wouldn’t exist! Achieving the formidable task of literally fishing up the North Island and sacrificing his Waka for the South is plain exceptional. How Maui doesn’t get more attention is preposterous.

It doesn’t even need to be a person. Kiwiana offers countless possibilities. A jandal? A pavlova? That annoying, colourful bee thing with a string that kids pull around? I would vouch for chocolate fish.

Taken from Identity Crisis, written by Ollie O’Connell

When I went to meet the two co-presidents of UC Women’s Weightlifting I wasn’t sure what to expect.

Could the stereotypes be true? Could I be about to meet two insane ladies who live and breathe for weights and eat nails for breakfast? Well fortunately the stereotypes were far from the truth. What I met are two women whose main goal was essentially to have a good time. Despite having a good time, the club aren’t afraid to grit their teeth and break a sweat either. They’re certainly not here to mess around. All members are there to work on their weightlifting first and foremost, passing on advice and feedback to each other when necessary. The two co-presidents are Seonaid Espiner and Georgina Blane, I had the opportunity to talk to them about their new, unique, and maybe even taboo, club.

Do women need ‘special’ treatment at such a diverse, inclusive and progressive institution such as the University of Canterbury? Last year the UCSA floated the controversial idea of introducing women’s only hours at the gym, acknowledging that gender inequalities do exist on campus, most visibly in areas such as the weights room. A suggestion which seems egalitarian to some, unjust to others, and inadequate to many, it has at the very least drawn attention to the perceived socio-cultural obstacles women may face on their way to weight lifting. As a woman and amateur powerlifter, my reasons for writing this article are in a sense personal.

However, through my conversations with other women lifters and non-lifters, from observing discussions on Facebook, YikYak and other social media, from noticing what people do in the gym, I have come to recognise this as also a politicized issue. And while being a complex social ‘problem’, this is also a site of exciting change and potential opportunity for women and gender equality. While historically women have been excluded, discouraged or just not interested in strength sports and training, today more and more women are taking to the weights room than ever before. And I’m not talking about small dumbbells or machines. I’m talking big weights and big strength: powerlifting, Olympic weightlifting, bodybuilding, crossfit, and the many combinations individual women and groups are creating. Women are training alone, with friends, with partners, with all genders. Male weightlifters are finding rivals, training partners, coaches and clients amongst women, and some are learning that actually, lifting may not have to be as ‘masculine’ as has historically been perceived. Considering that it was not so very long ago that women were discouraged from the ‘masculine’ activity of riding bikes, the fact that women are taking up weightlifting seems like great progress. Yet, there is still an enormous gender gap in many gyms. Women are not banned from lifting weights. So why then, do some women still feel it is a transgressive act simply to set foot in the weightsroom?

Why do men still often outnumber women in the weights area by such a considerable margin?

It is difficult defining gender inequality when it comes to strength-based fitness pursuits. No one explicitly prevents women from lifting weights.

However, as I will argue here, lifting and strength is a learned skill. If girls and women are not socialized in a way which promotes physical strength, they are denied these opportunities from the beginning, and thus enormously deprived of the benefits strength training can offer. This is inequality. In a society which privileges ‘natural’ muscularity and associates this with competence, dominance and power, the cultural control of women’s access to this can be seen as withholding privilege. This is not an unproblematic association, and clearly one which needs to be challenged. Unfortunately I do not have the space to adequately address this complex issue in this article, but I also want to argue that lifting for strength is beneficial for reasons far beyond muscularity and ‘masculinity’. While lifting may not be for everyone, gender should not define how you exercise or use your body. As an enthusiastic powerlifter, passionate about helping other women get into lifting, I have spent some time trying to get my head around exactly why the gender gap exists and how we can challenge it. In 2014 I formed a facebook group “UC Women Weightlifters” to provide a way of getting women together to support and connect in the gym. With now over 200 members and growing fast, we are now a UC affiliated club. The growth of this group, which began with about five women—basically the only girls training weights at the UC gym at the time-- indicates to me that more and more women are interested in weight training and looking for ways to get started. The ability to connect with other women in our club has given many beginners one way into the weights area, an experience which can be daunting for some without social support. Yet it seems many women still do not consider weightlifting as a potential primary fitness and wellbeing activity. I still encounter misconceptions from women (and men) that weightlifting is an activity dominated by hulk-like men and that women will ‘get bulky’ if they lift weights.

The most visible benefits of weightlifting are those related to physical and mental health. To state the obvious, many students inevitably lead quite sedentary lifestyles as study demands requires us to spend a large proportion of our time sitting down. Lifting is particularly beneficial for countering some of the effects of sedentariness and sitting, as it involves a range of movements, strengthens your joints, raises your metabolism post-workout for longer than cardio, can improve flexibility, and increases balance and strength. It even strengthens your bones which is so important for women who may be at risk of osteoporosis later in life, or for women whose bone mass is depleted from undereating. Lifting may also improve immune function and has been linked to increased concentration and memory capacity in the elderly. It can improve your mental health, it can foster friendship and community, and many women find that learning this new skill and getting physically stronger is a great confidence booster. Lifting uses a lot of energy (body-fat, calories, etc) and leads to muscle repair which occurs after the exercise has been done so that you actually use more calories when you are just sitting around later (in other words, it ‘raises your metabolism’.) Perhaps more importantly, however, strength training can challenge and change the relationship many women have with their bodies as something which is ‘supposed’ to be small, skinny and fragile. Lifting shows you what your body can do, bringing a whole new dimension to the experience of one’s body and ultimately one’s self. All these advantages have been easily available for privileged men for a long time. It is time that women claim their right to these benefits too.

You’ve probably heard it before but just to be clear: You do not have to be big, bulky or ‘masculine’ to lift weights, nor will lifting make you so. For example, in Brace-Govan’s 2004 study of attitudes of elite level weight lifting women, many of the women reported that often people did not believe that they were lifters, due to their closer resemblances to fitness models than incredible hulks. Lifting changes your body, but most women who lift find it difficult to gain large amounts of muscle without really trying hard to do so, though many experience changes in muscle definition (some people refer to this as ‘toning’). Women who want to look lean and muscular usually have to expend simply enormous effort, time and adhere to strict dietary regimes. And because lifting often burns more calories than cardio, many women find they actually

get leaner from lifting weights, depending on their intentions. But really there is no lifter prototype, nor should there be. She comes in all shapes and forms: skinny, lean, curvy, overweight, long-legged, shortlegged, athletic, young, senior, pregnant, middleaged, menstruating, breastfeeding, dieting, bulking, maintaining. Women all over the world and across all body types, age groups and abilities are lifting.

In powerlifting, lifters compete in classes specific to weight, gender (biological sex) and age, thus providing a more level playing field. If you’re lifting for fitness and leisure, you can only judge yourself against, well, you.

Unfortunately, it still seems common to hear guys (and girls) being “supportive” of women lifting because “I think girls with muscles are sexy”. They appear to do this with the best of intentions, thinking that this is somehow progressive. Studies suggest that many men may inadvertently do this in order to make women lifters less threatening and protect their egos (Mansfield and McGinn, 1993), because it is becoming increasingly obvious that women can get really fucking strong. It is important to consider that gender/sex is only one component of strength, and may be overshadowed by other factors such as hard work, good form, nutrition, confidence and muscle mass, so it should therefore not be surprising that some women can lift more than some men. A woman who has been training for many years may very well lift more than a man with similar amounts of muscle, particularly if he lacks good technique (not an uncommon sight in the UC gym). In other words, lifting is a skill which can be acquired, not an inherent ‘masculine’ quality (sorry guys). Men can generally lift more because they are often heavier and therefore have more muscle—it’s no mysterious, essential ‘manliness’. A woman and a man with similar amounts of muscle should theoretically be able to lift the same weights. (See StrengthTheory.com for a comprehensive explanation). Try telling Jennifer Thompson with a 142 kilogram bench press (at 60kg bodyweight!) that women can’t lift heavy, or Kimberly Walford with a 240 kilogram deadlift. These elite level powerlifters lift far more than most men could even dream of, and are actually lifting similar amounts to elite male powerlifters of the same weight.

Given that lifting weights can be fun and improve health, and many women are challenging misconceptions relating to strength, it may seem that there is little more to be said. Women are equal and

empowered now, right? Shouldn’t they just lift if they want to? Unfortunately this is not always easy for many women/non-men. As a culture, and as a forwardthinking student population, we need to seriously look at what we can change at a structural level to promote equality. UC Women Weightlifters club (inclusive of all genders) we hope is one way of providing such support for women who lift or want to begin lifting.

Still, many women may lack the knowledge, social contacts and confidence to break into the weights area.

Many UC women (and men) describe the weights room at the UC gym as “intimidating”. This seems to be related to the perception of weightlifting as an aggressive, competitive and hyper-masculine activity, and in this way the activity is stereotyped in a way which is not accurate. However, as many regular users find, the weights room is also a place for mistakes and for growth—no one is a true expert, and there is no one-size-fits-all approach to lifting. Furthermore, contrary to popular belief, aggression is not necessary for heavy lifting (#notallpowerlifters!), and strength training can be as calm and mindful as yoga. Like there are diverse bodies, abilities, genders, there are also diverse approaches. In saying that, the weights room at the UC gym can appear crowded and confusing, and it seems that at the busiest times, gender inequality is highest. Women seem to find it difficult, or are unwilling, to ‘compete’ for space and resources at these busy afternoon and evening times, and the rec

centre needs to urgently address this in creative and inclusive ways. In saying this, many women find that once they cross over to the weights side, once they pick up a barbell and get going, their anxieties vanish, the feeling of being ‘Other’ or standing out diminishes, and they wonder what the fuss was about before.

All people, regardless of gender, ethnicity, class, bodytype, sexual orientation and ability should have access to developing strength if they desire it. We claim to live in a progressive and inclusive society, country and campus, yet equal access to strength is not something we have quite achieved.Our foremothers reclaimed our rights to vote, to speak, to ride bikes, to lead. It is high time we officially reclaimed our right to physical strength, our right to be embodied in this world as unapologetically strong. Weightlifting can be an important site of liberation from gender stereotypes and an activity which may give women positive ways in which to appreciate and experience their bodies.

While these may seem like bold claims for an activity stereotyped as mindless and simple, the meaning many find in it expands beyond this. For each time we pick up heavy things something changes. Bit by bit our bodies are built up, broken down, moved, transformed.

Our minds too are disciplined, challenged, connections made, sometimes frayed. And limiting stereotypes about what is ‘woman’ (or ‘man’) is too perhaps slowly, slowly challenged, broken down and rebuilt. Ladies, shake off these dusty stereotypes, find out what your body can do and claim your right to gainz!

Co-President: Seonaid Espiner

Co-President: Georgina Blane

About yourself: Recently completed BA (Hons) in Cultural Studies/English and Psychology

About yourself: Third professional year of a Mechanical Engineering degree at UC

What is your experience? Always hated playing most sports, but stumbled into powerlifting 3 years ago with help from my partner. Started competing in powerlifting last year.

What is your experience? From a sporting background, started lifting weights about a year and half ago. Seonaid convinced me to compete in the Canterbury Raw Cup last November where I came second in Junior U63.

What can you ‘lift’? PBs are: At 50kg bodyweight, squat: 92.5kg; bench 50kg; deadlift 100kg; What are your personal goals? Continue getting stronger, gaining muscle and training in a healthy and fun way. Add to my PBs in a powerlifting competition this year.

What can you ‘lift’? PB’s are : Squat 95kg, Bench 50kg, Deadlift 115kg What are your personal goals? Compete in glamour or junior figure in the NABBA/WFF and NZIFBB Competitions in Christchurch in May. Also compete in another powerlifting competition later this year of course!

By Seonaid Espiner

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Keel is studying to be an engineer, and the only one who will have a normal life. A wanna-be contributor to Canta, and a lovely man, with a gentle soul, Keel is a simple man with complex tastes.

Connen is the Motorsoc god of the flat, with the carcasses of multiple cars littered around the flat, a pyromaniacal gentleman with a monogamy addiction.

Mac is the handsome one at the back. A high functioning alcoholic with literary aspirations.

MBK. The most magnificent woman in the world. Could possibly be the GOAT. Has to

be for putting up with us for so long. The only one to lack a Y chromosome, and the dangly bit that goes with it.

Nu Nu is the pale excuse for a human hovering in the back. The newest member of the flat, after the last caught pregnant and had to be shipped home, Nu Nu has large boots to fill. Thankfully he comes highly qualified, and will do fine once the hangover wears off.

Special thanks to our dream sponsors, Black Diamond, Cassels craft beer, Gnomes alpine gear. (Please sponsor us).

Aires A wise man once said that he’d rather be Robin Hood than Robert Mugabe.

This quote is irrelevant but makes sense when reading in braille. The dots align similar to the stars, predicting much wisdom and bravery. Be valiant and heroic this week, and glory will come to you in the form of a small circular hole in a bathroom. Whilst you are there, take a long, hard look at yourself in the mirror. If you see nothing, be open to the possibility you may be a vampire.

Capricorn

Well done, you made it past supper and you’re now indulging in a picturesque rose garden. However do not be fooled, for this month you will receive much agony and strife. To fight this inconvenience, try stay away from nails and long planks of wood.

Aquarius This week’s happiness and joy will be sprayed over you, allowing you to soak in your own blissful world. You will be exceptionally moist however you will see past the saturation, and gracefully smile. Others will find this exceptionally peculiar, as a smiling wet human is extremely creepy. Good luck making friends.

Pisces You are the captain of the ship in your life. You travel the seas as a leader and more importantly, an inspiration.

The only thing stopping you is your love for warm, freshly baked pastries.

You often find yourself surrounded by savouries in particular, as you and your ship travel through the scone seas and Pisces.

20 { Canta 2016 }

Taurus As the moon comes into the love zone, you will be motivated to perform soliloquies and gymnastics.

You will feel an urge to display you inner realities that have been hidden for a long time. Try writing down your thoughts and sprinkling salt on them. While doing this you'll come to the realisation that it is a waste of time and you have salt all over your stationary.

Gemini As the stars align you will become stronger and weaker at the same time. Stronger due to the moon’s lunar magic that sparks your heart within. Weaker, because you were foolish enough to read pointless Gypsy advice given to you in the form of a horoscope. Your lucky colour this week is salmon.

Cancer Beware! For The Chamber of Secrets have been opened. Keep your thoughts close to you and your secrets hidden. You often gossip about other people’s problems when they do not concern you.

Stop spreading rumours about Geoff's fascination with vintage cheeseboards. You have a variety of lucky objects this week that will give you an array of pleasure and delight.

Tissues, dishwashing liquid and sandpaper. Use Wisely.

Leo Winters bite can be awful, especially if winter uses his cousin Jack Frost.

Mr Frost is a cunning creature who has been seen around the university campus, targeting those with Leo star signs. He must be avoided in order to survive. Some advice for protecting yourself against Mr Frost is by joining a local marching troop or painting class. If you have any further questions, see a professional travel agent for vague answers.

Virgo The forever rising sun on the tilted axis of Uranus says you are human.

The sun has also suggested that during your week of dull and bitter yoga classes, you will meet someone else who is human. You will exchange words that may or may not be interesting. Your lucky numbers are: 209, 209, 902, 0CD and 87.

Libra Your true personality will be revealed soon. People are beginning to see past your diamond personality into your true personality, which resembles a cold, dark stone. To keep up your charade try changing your regular routines, for example, instead of cereal for breakfast try some toast.

Or for more permanent affects, just stop being an asshole.

Scorpio You will become in touch with you experimental side this week. You will try new things and have no regrets.

You may try juicy, sautéed scallops however look beyond seafood metaphors, and you will fulfil your wildest imaginations. Do it, it's good for your Hauora.

Sagittarius This week you well become artistic, creative and imaginative, but that stems from your warped view of reality. Seldom admit to being a Sagittarian, but everybody knows who you are because all Sagittarians are left-handed. If you are not left-handed, your mother has lied to you about your birthdate as part of an illuminati/government conspiracy. This could also be a good time to search for real father. The stars have recommended you search Thailand temples if you wish to do so.

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You r ex t en tial crisis , theism e a n ing of life, an d h t e fu ture o f h um anity.

All of you are emo and adulthood is soul crushing Death is coming to get you, and it’s frightening. As we grow into adulthood our death anxiety becomes prevalent and you worry about death a lot. You’re coming into a time of your life when you will begin to fear death to an extent and in a way you probably haven’t before. And it gets worse, this fear is going to develop and get worse as you eventually move into middle age. Adulthood is about to gift you with death anxiety; alongside those student loans, ever-increasing responsibilities, and requiring you to feed and clothe yourself. It’s no wonder the existential crises are going to be coming on thick and heavy during this stage of your life!

Dealing with this is going to be awkward for you.

Sure, it’ll be hard to process mentally and will demand philosophical acumen that we’ve as yet forgot to put on the high school curriculum (it’s making its way in there - but that doesn't help you, it’s too late for you…). But it’s worse than that, dealing with death anxiety and its friend, the existential crisis, is going to be lonely.

Unless you’ve caught your peers in the exact moments they’re having the same thoughts as you, at the same time, any conversation isn’t going to get very far. If you’re not having your crises or death anxiety right now then you don’t want to jump into a ‘deep and meaningful’ with someone who is. You’re mates are going to be worried too, but that doesn't mean you get to have a productive and supportive chat about it. Nothing’s worse than the dude who won't stop ‘waxing philosophical’ unprovoked, especially when he starts during the first few beers and won’t at least wait until you’re buzzed.

So, here you are, new to adulthood and alone with the weight of the world on your soul. Well, sometimes - the rest of the time it’s just exciting to be in charge of your own life and have access to beer. It’s going to get worse, and your mates aren’t going to be much help. But you’ve got this article (lucky you!), so let’s have a chat about it now.

The meaning of life (the root of all existential crises) There are two answers to this question - the sense in which the question is nonsense and the partial answer that’s left after we remove the nonsense.

Our lives are filled with things that have meaning.

My teddy bear has meaning to me because I love its fluffy head and treasure the memories I connect with it. The relationship I have with my friends has meaning to me because it generates all sorts of

warm fuzzies and provides me with people to do various activities with. The whole world is filled with things that I can identify as having meaning.

I might not be able to quantify or define exactly what meaning is, but I can talk about it and know that there are lots of examples of it out there in the world.

When we see this ‘meaning stuff’ out and about in the world it can confuse us into thinking that the ‘meaning of life’ is something we can find or identify. We can identify the meaning of teddy bear, why not the meaning of me? We might hear all sorts of vague answers to the ‘meaning of life’ question, but they never feel satisfying. They’re just missing the point, aren’t they? You can’t just say ‘love’, ‘ purpose’, ‘family’, or ‘god’ and call it the meaning of life… surely you’re missing something if that’s the best answer you can give!

Something is sneaking in to confuse us here - unfortunately it’s that meaning has been fundamentally misunderstood. We are meaning givers and that’s why we don’t have much problem finding meaning all around but draw a blank when we turn that same search on ourselves. Things have meaning to us, in fact that’s exactly what meaning is. We give meaning to stuff, but unfortunately that doesn't extend in the same way to giving meaning to ourselves. All examples of meaning you’ll ever experience are of meaning to a person.

I can, in a sense, have meaning to someone else (they can value my happiness because they love me, or value our relationship, and so on). Things that I do, attributes I have, and goals that I set can have value to me. In these limited senses the type of meaning we see in the world can apply to ourselves.

But the deeper sense of ‘what’s the meaning of me!?’ is incompatible with what meaning is - it’s nonsense. You’re the one thing that doesn't get to have meaning, because meaning is something you give things - you’re a meaning giver not a meaning haver. This is the reason any answers we hear to the question ‘what's the meaning of life’ don’t sound right.

Yep, sucks to be you - the concept of life having meaning is nonsense. No answer is coming, even a conversation about what one would look like is nonsense. However, we aren’t left completely empty handed. We can salvage two things from the concept of a ‘meaning of life’.

First, we do have an intimate relationship with meaning. We give the world meaning by making things valuable to us. Insofar as anything is valuable it requires us agents around to value it - so at

least we’re special! We sort of have value as value givers. It’s a bit weird, definitely not the type of helpful answer we wanted, and doesn't give us much guidance. But maybe it’ll warm your heart a little. Second, we still have some wiggle room for a purpose of life; we can still ask what we should do.

Once we’ve shaken off the nonsense aspects of ‘the meaning of life’ all that’s left on the purpose side of things is what we ought to do. We know life itself can’t have meaning to provide a purpose, and the only other candidate around for direction is ethics.

Things aren’t looking good for adulthood. Life is inherently outside the scope of being meaningful and the only guidance you get for a purpose is normative ethics. Better go shopping for a moral theory then! … But we’re not going to do that now.

Instead, we better tackle the other big question that springs out of death anxiety and an existential crisis - what is the fate of humankind?

Well, looking at that graph I don’t think we’re surprised that we were born in the modern age.

Today we’re one of 7 billion and throughout our lives we’ll continue to be members of the biggest group of living humans in history! If being born was like being randomly assigned to a group, we were assigned to the biggest group. That’s just basic probability theory - we’re more likely to be from the biggest group if we were randomly assigned.

We used ourselves as a random sample and found that we received the most likely outcome. No surprises there! Unfortunately, it doesn't stop there.

Let’s look at a projection of humanity's future:

The future of humanity Death anxiety doesn't just bring on a search for meaning, it also leads to big questions about humanity and its future. So, we’re going to predict the future; I’m going to plug in some assumptions and induction’s going to tell us the fate of mankind.

If we assume that we could have been born at any time during humanity's existence we can use ourselves as a sample and make some predictions. I didn’t have to be born now, I could have been born as a caveman or into the medieval ages. Perhaps in ancient Greece? So, let’s look at a graph of human population growth and think about when I was most likely to be born:

Yay for us, in this possible future we thrive and lots more people are born. But hold on, if I could have been born in the future and future groups of humans are bigger than the current group… then I wasn’t born at the most likely time? Indeed, if you could have been born at any time in humanity's existence then either you were born at an unlikely time to be born or you live to see the peak of human population. The unlikelihood of you having been born now gets more extreme the more positive humanity's future; if we go on to colonize the stars and reach population sizes in the trillions then you having been born now instead of then is extremely unlikely.

If you’re comfortable using yourself as a random sample, probability theory say’s we’re going to see the apocalypse any day now. It’s worse than that, the higher your hopes for humanity the more unlikely you have to admit your time of birth is! No interstellar empire for us (probably not, anyway).

Upshot Unhelpful mates, meaningless existence, and a doomed humanity. Welcome to adulthood, fellow human!

By Kyle Gibson

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A Labour of Love by Liam Stretch and UC POLS

A born leader. A body that is the envy of the gods. Luscious locks. A sex machine with equipment that Rasputin would be jealous of. Our Father. It is hard to put a title on Donald Trump, because the man is perfect; his hair is the perfect balance of blonde and Dorito Nacho Cheese. There isn’t a finger on his infant hands that I would change because each reminds me of a baby carrot, and I love baby carrots - yum.

Beauty is a rare thing and I’ve found it in Don. <3 So you are all probably thinking to yourselves – “go on tell me more”, “this man sounds Amazing with a capital A!”, “I want to meet this utter genius”, but most of all, “how did the man we all love get to where he is today?” Well today is your lucky day! The humble beginnings of our glorious leader have been well documented.

Born in 1946 in the borough of Queens, New York, Donald Trump had a rough start. Trump was an impoverished child. His father had a small grass-roots multinational property development empire. He grew up in this environment only knowing hardship and the constant pain of hunger, gazpacho and oysters his only sustenance. On cold winter nights the only warmth in the house was provided by his parents love and small central heating system. When it came to Donald’s time to break out of the poverty cycle; he didn’t have it easy. His father did his best to help his son get into the world of business he put a penny or two in his sons pocket. With a small loan of a million dollars, Trump stepped out into the world.

Over the years Donald Trump has gained a reputation for being generous and kind hearted. He always follows through with construction projects. He is an ambassador for equality, an advocate for peace, and he is the brains behind some ground breaking ideas encouraging the sharing of wealth. Because of Trump’s enormous popularity, he decided to become a politician. Having been a member of parties across the board including the Democrats, he is now campaigning for presidency in the 2016 United States of America elections as a Republican candidate. Trump is doing incredibly well and he has come out on top so far, winning the support of a diverse audience. His philosophy has rung true with the quintessential ideas of the American foundation – liberty and freedom. Rumours are that there is a possibility he’ll be nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize.

“I have a great relationship with the Mexican people.”

– Donald Trump may have small hands, but he sure has a big heart!

“It’s freezing and snowing in New York – we need global warming!”

– Beautiful, the man has cracked it!

"My IQ is one of the highest — and you all know it! Please don't feel so stupid or insecure; it's not your fault." – His genius brings tears to my eyes and makes me somewhat aroused at the same time.

“All of the women on The Apprentice flirted with me – consciously or unconsciously. That’s to be expected.”

- I’ve dreamed of the moment that I can look into his eyes. We meet on the streets of Baltimore, surrounded by his supporters. He looks at me, and mouths ‘’I love you”. This is then followed by his slow motion approach to me. We hold hands and walk into the sunset. We get married and have six children, retire in Nicaragua and our ashes will be spread together on the Mexican border. This is love.

{ Canta 2016 }

25

Applications now open for Survivor NZ Sorry, I’m too busy not being a twat on TV to apply.

This weather Not hot enough

UCSA on Snapchat Not saucy enough.

The Bachelor NZ Season 2 I’m so glad this is on TV again.

Such high quality programming.

This weather Not hot enough House of Cards Season 4 Amazing. Quite creepy.

Construction Progress on Campus Still N/A

Uber now in Christchurch in my Driving around drunk strangersplease. car own a Saturday night. Yes

Fried Camembert at The Wok Too scared to try it.

‘Sausage Party’ Trailer starring Seth Rogan Umm… what did I just watch?

BROPHY & TAPPINS WORLD a MIKE BROPHY & TOM TAPPIN, GENERAL EXEC

V-Plate

Whats up fam?!

Anyone remember the UCSA elections last year, and a whole lot of candidates saying they’re gonna do sh*t ranging from putting a mini-golf course on campus, install a bungy jump on the UC crane and bring Snoop Dogg to the Foundry? Yeah, well none of that is happening.

, Pepsi, Pepsi Max Mountain, 7Up s) lton Chi at ly (on

$1.50

But what you might remember is the two of us spinning yarns about getting the students of UC some V plate deals and cheaper food options around campus, well we’ve been putting pressure on the UCSA team to make this happen.

It may be a small win for now, but next week we’ve jacked up $1.50 cans of fizzy drink and $2.50 ham and cheese croissants, get some of that in ya! We aren’t stopping here either, so keep an eye out for more weekly deals.

Still working on that bus to town and 2-ply toilet paper, but the food deals are coming in hot!

With love, Tom & Mike

V-Plate

issant Ham & Cheese Cro (only at Chiltons)

$2.50

0

G O D H C T A W C E X E S ’ A T CAN The Exec has earned three more ticks!

Are these the only ticks they’ll earn all year?

Maybe. Maybe not.

Stay tuned...

“ So, How’s that going?”

In each issue, this little checklist will appear, on this checklist are all the promises various members made when campaigning to get onto the Exec. If a promised is met, well they get a nice wee tick, if that promise is never met, then this will stand as a testament to how lazy they are.

Independent Canta 24 hour access rooms A good UCSA app te A modernised UCSA websi A support network for clubs

ilding the rebuild of the UCSA Bu Student forums and blog for dry into town takes people from the Foun t tha ht nig y da tur Sa on s A bu deals V-Plate food and beverage Cafés open longer hours ns Communal vegetable garde etc…) ble chargers, headphones, SOS Chargers Project (renta rtfolio Introduce a sustainability po ament An Interfaculty Sports Tourn mpetition Redesigned social-sport co 2 ply toilet paper

The University of Canterbury Students Association presents...

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Grad Ball THU 21st APRIL // 7PM-LATE Horncastle Arena W

FORMAL ATTIRE TICKETS: $120+BF W

Ticket Includes: Formal Sit Down Dinner Drinks & Entertainment

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Tickets can be purchased from www.dashtickets.co.nz

McDonald’s new attempt at being classy is actually quite good but it still doesn’t escape the McDonalds stereotypes.

Here at Canta we’re very sophisticated people, so we thought it was only natural that we should review some restaurants. But we’re also a bunch of students, so that previous sentence is completely untrue, and therefore we’re reviewing McDonalds. What comes to mind when you think of McDonalds?

Greasy?

My only consistent routine?

A guilty pleasure?

I’d rather eat my own shit?

Only good after a night on the turps or dank kush?

Well for the most part, these can all be true of McDonalds. But in an attempt to reinvigorate their image, McDonalds has added a classy option, named ‘Make Your Own Burger’, to their menu. Since I could never turn down something with “make your own burger” in the name, the only option was to go and try it. Myself and my culinary companion, Liam, ventured on a rainy Tuesday afternoon to our friendly local McDonalds. To take part in the burger making experience the customer must interact with a giant touch screen, to pick and choose what they want on their burger. The whole experience wasn’t off to a good start, the screens were annoyingly unresponsive, I nearly punched a hole through the screen when it didn’t register the fact that I had selected bacon.

Seriously. I want my bacon.

Anyway, I took the more basic approach, selecting normal burger ingredients, I wanted to see if they could do the simple things well. Beef, bacon, lettuce, onion, chuck in a bit of spice here and there. Liam on the other hand, tested some of their more interesting ingredients, adding thing like tortilla chips, guacamole, etc. When the burgers arrived I was pleasantly surprised, they were made very nicely and held together like a burger should. Brioche bun was nice, beef was nice, bacon was awesome, like all bacon, and the condiments tasted really nice too. Other Liam also appeared to be enjoying his food and agreed that his burger ingredients tasted nice too, even stating at one point that his tortilla chips gave a “nice earthy flavour”.

That’s right, I don’t know what he means either.

But that’s about as far as I can go when describing the positives of our food.

Mine was greasy. Not like “Hey, this is a greasy burger” greasy. I mean “Holy shit, if I drained out my arteries and collected all the grease off the table right now I would have enough to swim in” greasy. I am sitting here dumbfounded, trying to find words to describe how absurdly greasy this whole ordeal was. It got worse however, it turned out that my top bun wasn’t quite big enough, so by half way through my burger all I had on top was some disgusting, gloopy, yeast turd.

Other Liam appeared to have the same issue, resulting in stressful, yet completely unavoidable, ordeal.

And maybe you’re think; “Well, at least they had some good ol’ McDonald’s fries too!”

Wrong. Unseasoned. Lukewarm. Crap. Fries, they’re the be all and end all of a good, body insulting, fast food meal. Cooking fries are a relatively easy job, surely you can get them right! You’re playing a serious business game here McDonalds. Do not waste my time with these tepid matchsticks that you identify as fried potato! My clogged arteries are not here to mess around.

All in all, a rollercoaster of a dining experience.

Surprisingly fresh, good quality, tasty ingredients, presented really well, however the cruxes of a good burger were missing and what looked and tasted good was completely ruined by its inability to be eaten with any dignity whatsoever. Also there was so much grease that it made me question my own humanity.

ME Rating: CKS HEART ATTA

LIAM Rating :

CONF USED MEXIC ANS

30 { Canta 2016 }