Canta, Issue 12, 2014 by UCSA

{Issue 12 June 4 2014}

14 - 26 juLy tH

Don’T geT lEFt oUt iN tHe cOLd, keEP up-TO-daTE on ALl The DEetS on FAceBOok.COm/The UCsa

wWw.uCsA.orG.nZ

{ Contents }

THINGS WE LEARNED THIS ISSUE THE COVER

Simon Bell dons his Mankini for the City Mission Undie Run last week. Good sport. He’s also doing Shave for a Cure – to donate, hover your phone here. Photo by Olivia Bascand

8 Classoc take us back to an age older than Ye Olde times in an effort to bring us the best battles from antiquity.

An interview with Andrew Ellis, the squash player. Why are all Andrew Ellis’ sportsmen? Sounds like the plot for a bad sitcom. “The Three Ellis’ star in Ball-Men!”

EDITORIAL Well, this is it. It has taken me over two years at the head of Canta to produce a Sports issue, and somehow it’s fitting that this is my last one at the helm.

The president and coach of UCheer gives us an I, gives us an N, gives us an… oh forget it, its an ‘interview.’ Yay!

Who runs the world? Girls! It’s a feature on runner Angie Smit.

I feel compelled to report this flat featured in the Flat Profile. I’m just not sure who to report them to, or what exactly I’m reporting them for. Red cards for everyone!

What does UC Sport do with all of those cameras? They film things

apparently. All is revealed inside.

If there is anything that I have learned at the head of Canta, it’s that you can’t please everyone at the same time. Someone out there is always going to think what you are doing is a little bit shit. While that may seem depressing, each dig actually becomes, like Rome rising out of stacking rice paper day by day, into a wonderful wall of resilience. If someone is always going to hate you, who cares? Just do something you think is great, and people looking for the same things will find you along the way. So long as you keep going.

So let’s keep going. The next issue, out July 16, will feature the hilarious musings of the inimitable Greg Stubbings, who at the moment is frolicking in Fiji. He won’t blow his own horn, so I’ll do it for him: before coming here he was The issue is full of beautiful and talented a writer and producer on The Crowd Goes Wild, students – from the rock stars of both the men and Seven Sharp after that, and he’s had one of and women’s basketball teams to the lord of his short films go all the way to Cannes. You will squash, from the record-breaking speed of Angie Smit to a boy in the flat profile attempting enjoy his reign more than mine, promise. his first marathon after only 42 days training, In the meanwhile, thank you to everyone who from a globetrotting cheerleading coach to wrote a letter, showed up at the contributor the innovative sports science going down in meetings, pitched an idea, subbed a shit piece Kirkwood.

Supporting a team is hard work. It takes dedication, preparation and most often intoxication. The true story of a supporter is told inside.

24 26

Like Lists? Enjoy scandals? Look at our Top 10 Sports Scandals.

This feature is a bit of a curve ball. Law for Change look at human trafficking from a New Zealand Perspective.

The FIFA World Cup in Brazil is upon us. Impress your friends at the pub with the vital insights you will gather herein.

of writing (Annalee Jones and Callum Ching, you are both rock stars), and a special shout-out to the two magical designers I have had the pleasure of working with, Joel Hart and Emily McCormick. If there’s a last word I could ever leave you with, it’s that it takes a village to make a magazine – so I encourage anyone who has any stirrings in their heart for a good piece of writing, photography or graphic design to reach out and give Greg a hand. Canta is shared by the thousands on this campus, but it only made by those who give a damn. If something else is your bag, that’s cool too. You do you. I’ll see ya round campus. Love, Hannah

Hannah Herchenbach Editor-At-Large

PRESIDENT’S PIECE Sarah Platt You’ve almost made it through the first semester! Life is good. Well, good in the sense that it’s almost holidays, not so good in the sense that you have to survive exams first. Be sure to make the most of your last week of lectures. Take full advantage of any opportunities that present themselves to squeeze those last minute hints from your lecturers about what will be in your exam! While I don’t condone bribery, wine and blocks of chocolate are currently on sale at Pak N’ Save...do with that information what you will... Now, without trying to put a dampener on your day, exams are just around the corner so remember if you’re having a tough time with your studies, the UCSA and UC have lots and lots of support networks that you can access. If you are curious about what these are or you’d like more details, pop into the UCSA office (located in the Undercroft) and we’ll be able to help you out. Having said that, if it’s just that you’re feeling a little under the weather after GC Speeding Dating and the CUBA House Party, maybe down a powerade or two before you come in and see us. Although, come exam time, if you do feel your performance has been impaired by illness, injury, bereavement or any other critical circumstance you may want to think about applying for an aegrotat consideration. Aegrotat considerations are only available for major items of work such as examinations, tests and other work worth not less than 10% of the total assessment and remember your application must be submitted to the Student Services Centre, within 7days of the due date or exam. A word to the wise, a little bit of a sniffly nose, a mysterious headache or the passing of your great Aunt twice removed may not be accepted as ‘illness’ or ‘bereavement’. So even if you are sick or dying in bed try your very best to actually attend your exam rather than just relying on an aegrotat, as sometimes the applications aren’t accepted and then at the very least you’ll have some kind of grade to fall back on...at which point, remind yourself of the much loved mantra, ‘Cs get degrees’. Don’t tell your mother I told you that. Moving right along from the bleak topic of exams and study I have a few carrots to get you through the upcoming weeks.

1. The ‘V’ Party. With headlining act BOMBs AWAY, $700 worth of prizes to be won and a photobooth, ermahgerd who doesn’t love a photobooth, you’d be crazy not to go. AND all you have to do to get a ticket is pick up a V Energy Stamp Card from any of our cafes and collect 5 stamps! Every time you buy a V Energy drink you get a stamp. OR be one of the first 10 people to come and tell me that you love Bruce Willis and I’ll give you a free double pass.

2. Re-Oweek. Brace yourselves, Winterlude is coming (I don’t actually watch Game

of Thrones but all the cool kids seem to be saying that). Keen a close eye on the UCSA Facebook page for all the details. Have a wonderfully short week and even though this is the last Canta for the semester, try not to miss me too much, I’ll be back next semester with even more insightful and educational ‘President’s Pieces’ than ever before! Sarah P.S. a special mention has to go out to Hannah Herchenbach who has been our amazing Canta editor for more than 2 years. This will be the last Canta that she edits and she should know that we’ll miss her and her blue hair so much!

ASK THE PRESIDENT Tired of complaining to your Facebook newsfeed about your locker-less existence, or the lack of microwaves in the engineering building? Well, you can stop now. Your 400 friends don’t give a shit about your uni problems. But luckily for you, Sarah does. Send in your UC related questions, criticisms, and curiosities to president@ucsa.ac.nz and Sarah will get back to you in the next edition of Canta.

{ Canta 2014 }

NOTICES An Exhibition That Melds Arts + Science Chem-pare/Comm-trast is a collaborative project between students from Chemistry, Fine Arts and Art History, based around communication and reactive concepts. It involves original graphic design and sculpture works that have been created based on a chemical concept communicated by chemists to artists, and these works have been curated by art history postgraduates. The project is a great example of interdisciplinary practice within the University, and provides an opportunity to see another, unexpected side to both chemistry and art. Chem-pare/Comm-trast will take place in the Biology Research Atrium, with the opening function on Tuesday 3 June, 5.30 pm. The exhibition will then run until Friday 13 June 2014. Admission is free.

DramaSoc does it three at a time It’s that time of year again – time to get your 3some face on! Get involved with our 14th 3some – an annual event showcasing the work of amateur playwrights that’s always a heap of fun! Three original pieces will have three weeks to be rehearsed, then performed for a three show run for $3 entry. Wanna be in the cast or crew?? Get in touch! Auditions will be at the end of next week so check out our Facebook page for more info, or email 3some@dramasoc.org. nz in to book an audition slot. If you’re unavailable next week, do email in anyway and we’ll do our best to work something out.

$85K Challenge Narrowed Down to the Top 10 Entré, a student run company that encourages innovation and entrepreneurship, has announced the top 10 finalists for its $85k challenge. Finalists include University of Canterbury students: Brianne West with her environment-friendly cosmetics company; Jorgen Ellis and Grady Nunn and their kitset assembly service; Steven Seo with his specifically designed wheelchair for the disabled community; Ellie Barrett with her children’s cooking classes; Tom Beaumont and Campbell Alexander and their idea for agricultural enhancement systems; Lucy Player-Bishop and her online website for academic assistance; Connor Eatwell and Hayden Graham with their product which allows individuals to see sound; Ellen Palmer and her 3D tactile models that assist the visually impaired; Charles He and Luke Gillespie with an adventure based programme that hopes to include international students; and CPIT student Elizabeth Ball with her high end shoe boutique that offers one-ofa-kind hand painted shoes. The finalists undertake a number of workshops and mentoring sessions in the lead up to the final announcement of winners towards the end of the year.

CONTRIBUTORS Olivia Bascand

Kyle Knowles

Age 21, M+C BA ’13, Graduate Diploma in Journalism ‘14

Age 21, M & C and History BA, ’13. Graduate Diploma in Journalism ‘14

Olivia took the cover photo of Simon Bell at the inaugural Undie Run last Thursday.

Kyle wrote the article on UC Basketball in this sports issue of Canta.

Who is your favourite Kiwi sportsperson?

Dan Carter. No explanation needed. Yumm.

Mark Richardson.

What was the worst sporting activity you endured at school? Kayaking in a duckpoo filled pond for our year8 school camp. Yuck.. But atleast I had previously mastered my paddle-splashing talent so I could soak the rest of the group.

What was the worst sporting activity you endured at school? 7am hockey training’s in the middle of winter at high school.

Is mulled wine a delicious beverage? Don’t know, don’t drink wine.

Is mulled wine a delicious beverage?

Are sporting films uplifting or hogwash?

It’s so much more than that. It’s heaven in earth. Especially on snow days.

Depends, The Blindside and Remember The Titans are uplifting but then others are definitely hogwash.

Are sporting films uplifting or hogwash? Depends what they are... But what would the world be without Remember The Titans and Invictus!!??

Create a brand name for a new sports based drink that is packed full of electrolytes. Electroade.

Sati Ravichandiren Age 17, BA/LLB, ‘18 Sati wrote in the Point Counterpoint this week, where he argued the merits of salary caps for professional sportspersons.

Who is your favourite Kiwi sportsperson? At the moment? Has to be Beudan Barret. Favorite sportsperson of all time? Richie McCaw.

What was the worst sporting activity you endured at school? Definitely cross-country. 300 kids brought up on lollies, fast food and fizzy drinks being made to run unholy distances? It’s pretty much sadistic.

Is mulled wine a delicious beverage? So delicious.

Are sporting films uplifting or hogwash? They’re uplifting until you realise you will never be good enough to achieve anything to that sporting level in your life. And then it’s just plain depressing.

Piet van Hasselt Age unknown, Graduate Certificate in Sport Coaching, ‘14 Piet is the coach of UC Basketball and helped organise and supply the photos for the UC Basketball feature. He made that jazz come together smooth like.

Who is your favourite Kiwi sportsperson? Steve Adams - just hoops hard and takes advantage of all the free feeds in the NBA, humble, hasn’t changed - won’t change his kiwi personality, Thunder up!

What was the worst sporting activity you endured at school? Cricket catching practice, bruised hands for days.

Is mulled wine a delicious beverage? Let me mull over this one...

Are sporting films uplifting or hogwash? Inspirational, can’t go wrong underdogs overcoming adversity! Coach Carter is where it’s at.

Create a brand name for a new sports based drink that is packed full of electrolytes.

Get-me-pumped-quick-as ade.

Umm… Electropunch?

UC hoops - packed full of bounce, fight, swag and fun.

Contributors

Olivia Bascand, Bill Dieckermann, Taidhg Fraser, Frances Gourlay, Old Greg, Christina Hallaway, Piet Van Hasslet, Kyle Knowles, Natalie Looyer, Amanda Macauley, Sati Ravichandiren, Grant Robertson

Send us your stories, photographs, epiphanies canta@ucsa.canterbury.ac.nz

Editor At Large Hannah Herchenbach Deputy Editors Callum Ching and Annalee Jones Designer Emily McCormick Money Honey Victoria Lean Webmaster Rupert Curlett { Canta 2014 }

{ Point }

SHOULD THERE BE SALA NO Bill Dieckermann

Why do we even bother to tune in to watch twenty-two men kicking a spherical object around a field somewhere in Europe when we can basically watch the same thing on the Ilam fields? Perhaps it’s because some of us have emotional connections to particular teams that make us seem to be menstruating in sync with their fortunes or misfortunes. But for the bulk of us who watch the Champions League, it’s because we know we will be watching some of the best football in the world. Modern top tier sports competitions are all about entertainment. What separates this entertainment from that gained from watching amateur sports is the skill of the players on the ground, and the emotions that run high amongst the fan base. All three of these require the best players, coaches and managers and the only way to bring them together is by paying them their worth. Millions of viewers tuned into watch Bayern Munich utterly annihilate Manchester United at the Allianz Arena last month. Both teams have star studded line-ups, with Rooney, some Dutch guy and a Brazilian playing for Manchester United, and Schweinsteiger, some Dutch guy and a Brazilian playing for Bayern. These teams, boasting some of the best footballers the world has to offer, were watched not only by loyal fans, but also by millions who just wanted to watch top quality football. Those viewers were not disappointed. For example, when Evra scored, Bayern came back with three brilliant goals from Mandžukić, Müller and Robben – something you don’t see in your average, ordinary game. This high level of skill amongst players makes for much more exciting play, which in turn makes it more enjoyable for viewers, even those who aren’t emotionally attached to the teams on the field. People don’t watch mid-level games because the thrill that comes with watching high quality football is simply not there. Now, let’s look at the players themselves. When players are surrounded by a team of a high calibre, they have the opportunity to develop themselves, measuring their skills against others who are of a similar level. But when you are the star player in a mediocre team, such as would be encouraged in a team parity model, your opportunities for development are limited by your team mates. When you practice, you aren’t getting pushed to improve. The disparity of skill within the team gives that person the impression that they are the best, and encourages them to be complacent, and lessens the incentive to get better. And overall, the quality of football is worse and the spectators suffer through a less entertaining show.

{ Canta 2014 }

A free market for top level footballers also maintains incentives for clubs to foster talent. Lower level clubs know that richer clubs will inevitably try to purchase their best players. But when there are salary caps, players don’t move from team to team so frequently, and there is no need to seek out new talent. In the free market model, players also are incentivised to improve because by upping their game they may get noticed by a better club and are more likely to be purchased and develop further. This translates into better players and better games for the spectators. Finally, what about the fans? Surely it’s bad for the fans of smaller clubs if all their best players are moving up the ranks? Quite frankly, true fans don’t care as much as you think. Fans have deep emotional connections to their teams which may seem quite irrational to non-football fans. These fans live and breathe their team; when Bayern Munich ends their Champions League dreams they cry for three days straight while feeling incredibly hurt every time I bring it up in conversation. It doesn’t matter whether or not their team has all of the best players. What matters is that they are their players. Salary caps might result in a different roster but it is all the same to the fans. The next time I tune in to the football, I don’t want to see a boring, low level game. As viewers we demand the very best on our screens at the very top levels because we don’t have the time to care about anything else. We want to see football magic happen, not something we can see at the park. Don’t mind the Manchester United fans crying in the corner. Team parity would not have made a difference.

Star-studded teams are watched not only by loyal fans, but also by millions who just want to watch top quality football.

{ Counterpoint }

ARY CAPPING IN SPORT? YES Sati Ravichandiren

How entertaining is watching the same teams win time and time again?

May is always an exciting month in the Super Rugby schedule and this year it promises to be more of the same. As it stands, 11 of 15 teams all have a chance of making playoffs come July. Teams such as the Hurricanes, Western Force and Waratahs, who were rubbish last season, now confidently sit in the top six. Meanwhile in the boring old English Premier League, it has been clear from the start of the season which five clubs stand a chance of making the top three and winning the competition. Sure enough as we approach the end of the season, four of the big five make the top four teams on the table, with Manchester United a dismal 7th – its worst placing in living memory. The difference between the two top sporting competitions? Team parity and salary capping. Professional top level sporting competitions are primarily about entertainment. Like the bloodthirsty Roman public in Gladiator, we watch to see two teams battle it out and be entertained in the process. But how entertaining is watching the same teams win time and time again because they are so filled with star players that no one else stands a chance? Not very. That is the purpose of team parity and salary capping – to maintain the entertainment value of a sporting competition by ensuring that every game is a contest. This can be seen happening in the Super XV and also in the NFL. The current bottom place team in the Super XV are the Cheetahs, who are largely unchanged from last season where they were semi-finalists. Due to the tight nature of Super Rugby where teams are mostly equal and it means that they, despite being bottom placed, still have the potential to beat any of the top teams this season. The parity between teams is created by a hard salary cap that leads to an even distribution of star All Blacks, Wallabies and Springboks as no team can afford too many. This forces fans to tune in and watch matches as the results are so wildly unpredictable due to the equal nature of teams. For example due to the salary cap, the lowly Western Force are able to sign big name players such as Nick Cummins and Alby Mathewson leading to their surprise 4th position on the table right now. It also means that the extremely fickle rugby watching public are happy to support any of the teams in the competition as all have a fairly good chance of winning.

Their domination stems from a lack of salary cap meaning their bored billionaire owners are able to bank roll them, with as much as is needed for them to purchase and stack their roster with so many superstar players that lowly Swansea City can never hope to compete against them. The problem this then creates is that few people really want to support teams that they know have no hope in winning and so the majority of ‘fans’ of the EPL just support these five teams. This is reflected in how these five teams all turn over more than 150 million pounds annually (from a whopping 160 million by Liverpool to an unseemly 350 million by Manchester United) whilst the rest of the league turn over anywhere from 40-100 million pounds. This financial disparity, due to the lack of fans for the other clubs, due to team disparity from a lack of salary capping, is detrimental to the league as a whole as it concentrates the wealth and influence on a few clubs. This allowing them to become more and more powerful. This comes at the expense of fans who really do not wish to watch a five horse race in a league of 20; evident by falling demand for tickets and season passes. As much as the average sport watcher is much like an old Roman pleb watching gladiators tear each other apart, we are different now in one key way – we value fairness. We value a good fight. Tapping into this idea of team parity through salary capping is ultimately going to be good for any top level sporting competition, as it provides more entertainment for a fickle public which can only result in the one thing big sports bosses really care about – money.

The opposite can be said to be true in the European football (soccer) leagues of England, Spain and Italy. Despite being one of the most popular sporting competitions in the world, the English Premier League faces massive disparity issues. The league is dominated by the five big teams; Arsenal, Liverpool, Chelsea and the two Manchesters.

{ Canta 2014 }

{ Club Profile }

Classoc’s

Natalie Looyer and Amanda Macauley

If you’re looking for frequent opportunities to don your toga and throw back some brews, witness some great public lectures and pretty wacky movies, or even square off with your lecturer at quiz night, then Classoc is your club. Come and check out the epic showdown on the last day of term (Friday June 6, 7pm in the Undercroft) between two of the Court Jesters in a Classics-themed Scared Scriptless. But for now, sharpen your knowledge on the greatest epic showdowns of antiquity.

X: Cronos vs. Uranus

Cronos wasn’t keen on dad having all the power so he severed his dad’s genitals and threw them into the ocean, which began to churn and foam about around them. From the “sea foam” arose Aphrodite. Dick move, Cronos.

IX: Emperor Commodus vs. his wrestling partners

Not everyone was keen on Commodus (of Gladiator fame) and his arrogant ways – he renamed the months of the year after his own 12 names. Eventually he was poisoned. But he vomited it up, so it was up to his wrestling partners to strangle the emperor in the bathtub.

VIII: Achilles vs. Hector

Absolute classic. Poor Hector, not much you can do about Brad Pitt on steroids. If only he’d gone for the ankle. Instead, he got his naked corpse driven around the city walls.

THIS IS SPARTAAAAA!!!!!!!!

VII: Crassus vs. Mithradates

V: King Pyrrhus vs. the Romans

VI: Xerxes and the 300 Spartans

IV: Alexander the Great vs. Hephaestion

Good old capitalist Crassus wanted more glory after crucifying Spartacus’ army and making a fortune stationing himself and his slaves outside burning houses. Then he thought conquering Parthia would be a good idea, until his army met some kick ass Parthians. Mithridates allegedly had him killed by pouring molten gold down his throat. So Game of Thrones.

The Great King thought he had this one in the bag, but then along comes Leonidas and his 300 Spartans. Long story short, the Persians got stuck at Thermopylae for too long and then got dosed by the Athenian army at Salamis. Xerxes was reduced to doing some renovations at home, and was followed up by the traditional assassination by his bestie Artabanus.

Ever heard the term “Pyrrhic victory?” King Pyrrhus of Epirus was so desperate to defeat the Romans that he fought too hard, lost too many soldiers and doomed himself for the rest of the war. Moral of the story: don’t use up all of your ink in the first exam.

Alexander is famous as one of the greatest of generals, but he had two massive weaknesses; his horse Bucephalus and his BFF Hephaestion. The horse got a city named after him when he died (helpful hint: don’t try riding your horse from Macedonia to India). And then Hephastion’s death hit Alex rather hard; he decreed that the manes and tails of all horses should be shorn in mourning. Considering his love for horses, that was huge, and would have looked hella strange.

III: Agamemnon vs. Clytemnestra

Not totally thrilled that her husband sacrificed their daughter just for the blessing of a good nor’wester to blow them across the sea to Troy, Clytemnestra ran Agamemnon a hot bath and gave him a back rub with a sharp dagger.

II: Oedipus vs. Fate

Our Freudian friend Oedipus thinks he’s got one over on Fate when he runs away from the nasty prophecy that said he would murder his dad and knock up his mum, only to trip right over it. At the moment of realisation Fate laughs in Oedipus’ face, in the form of hairpins, which Oedipus plunges through his eyes in despair.

I: Milo of Croton vs. the Tree

{ Canta 2014 }

Any mortal showdown with this unbeatable Olympic hero would be, well, a bit anticlimactic really. But Milo was always up for some selfplugging. He would carry a bull around on his shoulders all day and then devour the whole thing for dinner. Unfortunately his own ego got the better of him when he was attacked by a tree (yeah, you read that right), got trapped and was eaten by wolves.

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{ Profile }

SQUASH Andrew Ellis is Canterbury Uni’s younger, taller male-r, version of Dame Susan Devoy. Which is to say, he’s a big dude who plays squash rather well. Canta recently put on a sweatband and some non-marking shoes to hit the court with the guy that shares a name with an All Black AND a Blackcap. Gotta be a good sign. The great thing about sport is that you get to go outside and run around. Except squash – where you are basically trapped inside a large walk-in freezer. What’s the attraction for you? The attraction for me is the speed of the game and the high level of thinking that goes into each point. It’s pretty much the fastest game of chess you will ever play.

You’re 6’5”, or like, “really tall” on the metric scale, does that help you squash good? Yeah I think it gives me an advantage on the squash court. Only one or two steps and I can be anywhere on the court. (Sometimes I take three steps, depends on how I’m feeling). Plus most girls like taller guys so that’s a bit of an advantage off court too!

According to our research, you are currently ranked 294th in the world. Throw some more brag-able stats at us, homeboy. * Highest world ranking of 264 * Beaten a top 200 player in my first ever PSA event * Made the quarterfinals in my first ever PSA event * South Island under 19 Champion * Won two Sir Richard Hadlee and Canterbury sports awards  * Youngest player ever (at the age of 15) to play for the Canterbury Senior men’s team * Won 3 consecutive national secondary schools titles * Made the NZ Secondary schools team in 2011

By jingo! So how many trophies do you have in your room that have little gold-coloured plastic dudes holding mini squash racquets? Think I got about six, some of them don’t even have squash rackets.

{ Canta 2014 }

{MORE THAN JUST ANOTHER NAME FOR PUMPKIN}

Gutted. In our opinion, Jahangir Khan is the greatest squash player who ever lived. Maybe even the greatest athlete of all time. In any sport. Yet most people reading this will have no idea who we’re talking about (see picture). Why is squash not more popular? Squash is one of those sports that you have to watch live to appreciate the speed and physical nature of the game, it’s not a very TV friendly sport.

What are your ultimate squash goals? And please try to work in the word, ‘squashillionaire’ into your answer. My ultimate squash goal is to go to the Commonwealth Games and make it into the top 50 in the world. Also I would like to become a squashillionaire and retire with my trophy wife in the Greek Islands.

Trophy wives are high maintenance (trust us, we read it in a magazine) so where’s that really big squash money at? Over in England and USA, that’s where, the big bucks are made. It’s hard trying to make a living in squash these days.

Well squash-goddess Dame Susan Devoy got a sweet Rexona commercial back in the day. Have you got your eye on any endorsement deals? Maybe a chaffing cream? I have been known to do some sweet baking from time to time so maybe I could get some endorsements from Betty Crocker or Edmonds bakery. Maybe get a trademark slice or cookie.

If the cookie doesn’t work out, we hear you’re also a DJ? Please tell us your name is DJ Squash. THREE SIXTY FIVE is our DJ name. We are a DJ duo - there is me and my mate Tom Hasson. We battle it out on stage with each other.

What’s a typical DJ Squash (OK, fine, THREE SIXTY FIVE) set look like? A typical THREE SIXTY FIVE set has a lot of big drops and tonnes of jumping! We mainly play house and progressive house music but that doesn’t stop us chucking a bit of cheeky ‘trap’ music in here and there. Check us out on Facebook.

OK, enough shameless promotion. For someone who wanted to get into squash as a sport, what do you suggest they do? Maybe just watch a DVD and hope the feeling goes away? Get down to the uni courts and just give it a go. It’s rated the healthiest sport in the world; beats going to one of those pump or spin classes.

On the subject of pumping, are you ever confused with All Black halfback Andy Ellis on Tinder? And have you ever used that to your sexy advantage? No I haven’t actually and thankfully I have never been confused with Aaron Smith and Konrad Hurrell either. Haven’t used it to my advantage yet but maybe I should change my profile pic.

Our research is changing the world The University of Waikato is committed to research that tackles national and global challenges. Our six world-leading research institutes are offering scholarships to doctoral and masters students keen to help shape the future. Scholarships are available from: »

Environmental Research Institute

Institute of Educational and Professional Learning and Development

National Institute of Demographic and Economic Analysis

Te Kotahi Research Institute

Wilf Malcolm Institute of Educational Research.

Institute for Business Research

Doctoral scholarships are valued up to $85,000 over three years (this includes tuition fees and scholarship instalments over the tenure) and are open to New Zealand and international students. Masters scholarships of $12,000 are available to New Zealand students only. For more information and to apply, visit waikato.ac.nz or talk to us on 0800 WAIKATO. Applications close 5pm, Monday 30 June 2014.

At the University of Waikato, the possibilities are endless.

Are you tired of papercuts? Have your arms gone numb from all that annoying page turning? Sick of the ink smudging because you’ve laughed so hard you’ve cried all over the Letters to the Editor page? Well then....

Congratulations! Canta online is for you!

www.canta.co.nz

{ Profile }

ELLEN WORTHINGTON { PRESIDENT AND COACH OF UCHEER }

Ellen Worthington is a busy lass. When she’s not studying towards a double degree in science and engineering, she’s getting amongst cheerleading at UC. This year she’s the President and coach of UCheer, leading the team towards more performances and competitions. Canta decided to catch up with Ellen to find out what it really takes to be aggressive, be be aggressive. How did you get into cheerleading? I started cheerleading in early 2007 when a friend of mine finally talked me into coming along to a partner stunting (guy tossing girl) training session. I went on an intensive three day camp soon after with other cheerleaders from all over the country. After that, I was hooked. In 2007 I began competing with the Total Cheerleading All-Girl Level 5 squad. My first competition with the team was on an outdoor stadium in Waikiki, Hawaii, where we came third. From there, we won every competition we competed at until the end of 2008.

How did you get involved with UCheer? At the end of 2008 I gave up cheer to pursue dance, and in 2010 I moved to Christchurch for uni. Early in my 2nd year a friend mentioned that he joined a university cheerleading club called UCheer, so I went along. I joined the committee in 2012, and was chosen as the new Head Coach beginning in 2013. In 2013 I was also the Secretary of the Club. This year I am both President and Coach at UCheer and have been steering the club towards more performances and potentially a competition in Wellington later in the year.

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How many hours a week do you train and what do you do? Our squad trains three hours a week; two hours on a Sunday out in Templeton and an hour on a Wednesday at the Rec Centre. On Sundays we work on all aspects of cheerleading – really try to get a little bit of everything done. Wednesday is more for the boys where we use the hour mostly for single- and double-based stunting (only one or two bases holding/tossing the flyer). We also have an extra 2 hour session on Tuesdays for more advanced training with the end goal of attending competition.

Is there rivalry between different squads or is it more of a friendly competition? Competitions are just as much social as they are competitive. One cheer tradition at competitions is to trade your cheerleading club training t-shirts (that you had multiple of for this purpose) for those from new friends in other teams. It’s not bitchy, everyone who is there is there because they love cheer, so we are always cheering everyone else on.

Which is the best Bring it On film out of the four?

Is cheerleading really a “dangerous” sport or do you just dance around with pom pom’s?

Without a doubt the third one, All or Nothing! Hayden Panettiere and Solange Knowles (Beyonce’s sister) are classic as sassy cheerleaders.

Well I can definitely say that my two broken noses, my eight broken fingers and my broken hand did not come from waving around pom poms. Although I do have a set!

What’s your favourite thing about cheerleading? As a coach, I love being able to push people to do or achieve things they never thought they could do. For example, getting a flyer to spin like a top through the air for the first time is great. Stepping out of your comfort zone is definitely a plus of cheerleading.

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{ Feature }

The

IMPORTANCE

of being Angie

Annalee Jones

After leaving kids in the dust at school athletics, Angie Smit started training as a runner at the age of ten. Nowadays, between rubbing sweaty shoulders with Usain Bolt post-race at the World Championships, and preparing for the Commonwealth Games in a few short weeks,

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Smit is finishing off a BA in Education and planning a December wedding. A little puffed, but poised and pumped, Canta caught up with Smit after one of her many training sessions to tell us what itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s like to be an up and comer on runningâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s world stage.

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GOLDEN GIRL: Angie competed in the 800m and 1500m at Nationals this year and snapped up the gold in both events. Photos by Michael Dawson.

Starting out

The Commonwealth Games

I was doing quite well at school events as a little kid and just really enjoyed it, and one day a coach noticed me. She told my mum to make sure I didn’t start too soon. Running was kind of in the family too – my parents weren’t runners but my granddads were, so I guess it kind of passed down. My brothers were good runners and my sister was a good swimmer so we all had that sporty interest, but my mum doesn’t like sport at all so it’s funny how things work out.

I’ve always just had that huge passion for running, so this is one of my big dreams come true. Obviously the Olympics is the pinnacle, but then this is definitely a stepping stone. I went to World Juniors, and then last year I was at that next level. When you’re little and you see these events on TV, you have big goals, so it’s amazing to be able to compete there.

Young runners

I was at the Diamond League in London, racing in a stadium in front of 68,000 people, which was a pretty amazing feeling itself. And afterwards my fiancé, Sam and I saw him and it was kind of like well, it’s now or never. I felt really bad because he’d only just raced and he was about to start his warm down, so we just had a quick chat, congratulated him on his race and got a photo. I would love to actually be able to sit down and have a proper chat with him.

I didn’t join the club until I was ten, whereas a lot start out even younger than that. Lots of athletes start out really young and end up overdoing it; I know some girls that I was racing at 15 or 16 that were amazing, but they’re not doing it now. It’s probably that some of them do huge mileage and then they get stress fractures or other injuries. And some of them just get sick of it. I didn’t get a coach until I was thirteen, but I made sure I wasn’t overtraining at a young age – I just sort of slowly progressed.

Getting up to speed I train 6 days a week. The six days will either have one or two sessions, more likely two a day now with it getting closer to the competition. It includes two gym sessions a week, and then normally two or three interval sessions, and then the rest are just runs. It’ll change with the time of year as well. Up to 80km a week is the most I’d do, which isn’t a huge amount of mileage compared to some of the girls. I do find the longer stuff a bit harder, but I love the speed intervals. And then the hill reps – I definitely get a lot of strength from those. You run up as fast as you can for two minutes, then jog back down, and then just do that eight times in a standard session.

Meeting Usain Bolt

Angie’s big break Coming fourth in the 800m at World Uni games was probably the race of my life so far – I did a huge personal best and qualified at the last possible time, and that opened up so many doors; World Champs, Diamond League, and it also led on to sponsorship with Adidas. Then I did the 1500m as well there and got fifth, so they were some cool experiences. And now that I’ve got to this next level Adidas not only offered me gear, and also incentives, which means if I get under certain times, or get placed at certain meets and stuff, they’ll give me a bonus.

Favourite places I’ve been to so many awesome places with my running. I really loved Canada in 2010 – being in Vancouver is so nice. The mountains and the water and everything are so close and it’s just stunning. And then definitely England – that’s

where my fiancé is from. Getting to know the UK was great – I stayed there for a few months after world champs last year and credited some papers across to my degree here. I love the English rolling countryside. And I just love Christchurch – there’s always something special about coming back home.

On the competition Everyone’s lovely. I’ve made some really good friends from around the world through racing. But then once you get on the track, you’re still friends, but you’re kind of in your zone. I’ve gotten to know a lot of the Australians pretty well because I race over there a lot. I feel like we’re kind of a team – although I probably shouldn’t say that, with our trans-Tasman rivalry, haha.

Hazing (almost) Being in the same team as Valerie Adams last year was pretty cool. She was so lovely. I was kind of nervous talking to her at first but she just kind of makes you feel so relaxed – she’s really down to earth, really cool, and really funny. She was joking about throwing eggs at me as an initiation because I was a new member of the team, she actually had them out at the dining hall, and she was like, “Ok, shut your eyes.” I was thinking, “Is she going to? It must just be one of those things.” But then she didn’t so it was ok.

Running romance His name is Sam Heaphy. He’s a runner too. We actually met at Ilam fields. The first time we met was at a training session there. His coach had been in touch with my coach, and we met at the track and just clicked straight away. He’s from England and still had to finish his degree, but we started going out by the end of the month but then he had to finish his final year. So I went to England for a bit with him, and now he’s all done and about to graduate. And then we’re getting married in December.

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{ Flat Profile }

The Butchery

Eremia Tapsell, 20, 2nd Pro Civil Kumara, Trust fund

Jack McDonald, 21, 2nd Pro Civil

Sasquatch, DJ, shit-chat

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{ Flat Profile } We all met at College House. Eremia, Callum and James all went to high school together in Tauranga; Tim and Jack are from Christchurch. Jack thought Tauranga was the same size as Ashburton. It’s got about 100,000 more people, dick. Christchurch is pretty cold in comparison – and pretty flat. We sort of knew the guys who lived here before, but not well – we came around for a BBQ spit roast one time. We signed for the flat the morning of Tea Party, before we saw the inside. The landlord called us while we were drinking the morning of; we turned up after we had signed the lease and asked “Can we have a look?” It’s not too bad, but the landlord seemed to think it was better: “Wallpaper, excellent; carpet, excellent.” Maybe in 1934… Inside is miserable, but there’s a palace upstairs. It’s a greenhouse, glass walls – gets up to 30 degrees during the day. It gets 10 degrees warmer as you walk up the stairs. That’s Jack’s as he won the flat challenges. We made a little deck from pallets, because the grass gets pretty swampy. All the puddles froze over last week. The spa would have frozen over too, if we hadn’t covered it. The spa is a new purchase, got it a few weeks ago. It’s a shell of a spa technically, but we have made a wood-fired apparatus. It gets warm, just not warm enough. Its greatest success was making it ten degrees warmer over the course of six or seven hours. We burned two metres of wood doing that. The spa: good intentions, poor

execution. We haven’t used it much, but if you like cold spas, you’re in for a treat. If a few female readers want to turn up… Eremia, Tim and James all played rugby – except James fractured a leg and tore a tendon last year, so he’s stopped playing. Callum has done a bit of boxing, just for something different. We play a lot of darts as well, and are trying to become poker stars. Jack is a long distance runner, as of six weeks ago. He gave himself 42 days to train for the Christchurch Marathon – and wants to finish in under three hours. He backs himself but no one else does. At the moment he is figuring out how to attach all the supplements to his body. We cook together, but pretty much eat mince and chili beans 90% of the time. Jack brings us homekill from his family’s farm so we are never short on meat. Our flat shop is pretty much 14 bottles of milk and 70 eggs. Our fridge is full of milk – and a couple spreads if you’re lucky. We should just get a cow and tie it up in the backyard. Our landlord spelled it out: no big parties, no chickens, no open fires. We’ve had big parties and open fires – we need to be on the lookout for chickens. And ladies, Callum is single.

Tim Greene, 20, 2nd Pro Mechanical

Words-letters-shoulders

Callum Andrew, 20, 2nd Pro Chemical + Processing Eng Ready to mingle

James Richardson, 20, 2nd Pro Mechanical

Athlete, Mathlete, Magician

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{ Feature }

NOTHIN’ BUT NET Words by Kyle Knowles Photos by Arjan Van Hasselt

The UC Basketball club are making success look easy with both premier teams making the grand finals in 2013. The men’s team suffered a heart-breaking three point loss to the Atami side in its first final in 15 years while the women’s side won its 7th title in eight years. An impressive feat. Former player and now premier women’s coach Pip Connell has been a major part of this success in recent times. Connell is a Canterbury and New Zealand representative, giving UC Basketball a highly experienced basketball brain in charge of the top women’s team. When asked about the success of the women’s team over the last decade she said the culture of the club is a key to their success. “We turn up to training and we work hard and we stick together through all the highs and lows and we just build every year. Every year we build on what we have done in the past and just keep going and try to keep that winning, competitive culture alive.” Connell said that the club is more than just a sports club. The players and coaches don’t just turn up and play their games and then leave. She said the players hang out with each other on the weekend and are totally committed to building a stronger club and team.

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Only being new to coaching the premier women, Connell acknowledges the previous coaches such as Sarah Waldron, who has now moved on to concentrate on junior national team commitments, and the work that they have done to build the UC Basketball Club into the strong position it is currently in. “We have had coaches in the past that have given so much time and energy into building a strong team environment.” This strong team environment also goes further than just the premier team. The last three years the under 20 side has won its competition also giving great depth to women’s basketball at UC. In 2014 the club have two under 20 sides providing an even greater pool of talent to pick from and develop for future premier sides. The club is a great place to play basketball with the best programme, Connell said as it offers great opportunities for players to develop their skills and use the resources UC has for sports teams. The premier teams use the Athlete Development Programme which gives players access to support services which include strength and conditioning, video analysis and nutrition education. Currently there are two Canterbury Wildcats players playing for UC with four last year and five the year before (that is a whole starting team). The man behind the club itself as well as being the men’s premier coach is Piet Van Hasselt

Every year we build on what we have done in the past and just keep going and try to keep that winning, competitive culture alive.

who is in his 12th year as the top Coach and looking to go one better than the runners-up position of 2013. 2013 began slowly for Van Hasselt’s side being at the bottom of the table after the first round of matches. Being able to turn around the season is something that Van Hasselt attributes to the team’s ‘next play’ mentality which allowed them to move on from mistakes quickly.

{ Feature }

In 2014 the team’s goals are to compete in every game and to improve on things that they may not have done quite so well in the past, Van Hasselt said. Away from the local competition UC Basketball would like to develop more representative players stepping into the National Basketball League and playing for the Canterbury Rams. There are currently three UC Basketball Club players playing for the Canterbury Rams as well as Van Hasselt being the assistant coach and responsible for video analysis of Rams games. Matt Campbell is the sole current UC student playing for the Rams in his first year playing in the top NZ competition. This is after tasting top level basketball last year having trained with the Wellington Saints. Current UC players but now graduates, Brent Fisher and Sam Crozier are into their 2nd and 3rd seasons of playing in the NBL after previously playing for the Christchurch Cougars who were the Rams replacement for two seasons.

Add the three players, an assistant coach and UC’s manager of sports programmes, Grant Robertson, who is the Rams strength and conditioning coach and there is a strong UC influence on Canterbury’s only professional men’s basketball team. Van Hasselt said having the Rams back in the NBL for the first time since 2008 gives UC players and male basketball players across the region a real development path that they can see. He said having Cowles Stadium buzzing on game nights with sold out crowds is great for basketball in Canterbury. Having a foot in both camps is great for UC basketball as Van Hasselt can bring the experience he gains at the national level and filter his expertise back in to the University club and help develop the next wave of Canterbury or even New Zealand players.

{ Canta 2014 }

{ Guide }

A (VERY) BASIC GUIDE TO

VIDEO ANALYSIS UC Sport

Video has many applications in sports and science. Coaches and athletes are using video analysis to measure and correct technique, reduce the risk of injury, and improve game/ individual performance. With the correct software, video of the match can become much more useful than simply re-watching the game. First it requires an analyst to mark the video (in real time or after the game) with your chosen key points such as goals, errors, and specific plays. The coach or player then has ability to filter and see their chosen aspect of the game, such as all goals by a specific player, or errors by the opposing team. Game highlights can be quickly generated, and you have instant access to many aspects of performance. Video analysis of technique is very useful for identifying and correcting problems with an athlete’s technique. Things that can be measured and identified using video analysis include the following:

STEP TWO

CODING

o Angle of release during throwing tasks o Ball release velocity and the arc travelled o Posture and correct body positions o Joint and segment angles and velocities.

STEP ONE

VIDEOING

When a team wants to analyse their performance, the first step is to have the entire game videoed. This filming is usually done by one of our UC Sport interns or a member of the UC Club who isn’t playing on that particular day. At UC Sport we have over 10+ video cameras , six Macbook Pro’s for video capture/analysis, and two Endzone EVS 25-foot tripods to gain the important elevation so we can gain a perspective of movement patterns across the whole field.

The next step is to ‘code’ the video – this essentially means recording the times when key moments happen in the game. Depending on the sport, these key moments might include goals, turnovers, blocks, missed tackles – basically anything the coach/ team wants to be able to review later. UC Sport has advanced software called iCoda that allows coders to simply hit a button on an iPad (or iOS device) when the key moments occur. A section of the game video is then referenced with that moment – for easy viewing on our performance analysis software later.

NOTE: Games can be coded live, or at a later date when a coder looks through the video footage.

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{ Guide }

TESTIMONIALS –

FROM WWW.CANTERBURY.AC.NZ/SPORT Guy Borren – UC Hockey Premier Men “The support of the sports analysis is absolutely vital for our teams’ continuous improvement. Being able to see your technique, option taking and overall performance is key in understanding your individual and team game. With the Gamebreaker you can do this and so efficiently which allows our team to be able to pick up key information rapidly and still keep up with our busy schedules. It is also been pivotal in our acquisition of six of the best hockey players coming in to Chch from out of town in the last five years.

Piet Van Hassalt – UC Basketball “Having access to these performance analysis tools via UC Sport form a vital part of our weekly operations and enable our coaches to give specific feedback to players which has helped us increase performance both individually and as a team. This gives us a competitive advantage over other club teams as they can’t access this technology. It also helps our coaches with longterm professional development and a chance to be exposed to technology that is being used at higher levels.”

STEP THREE

VIEWING + ANALYSIS

REAL WORLD EXAMPLES AT CANTERBURY UC sport has been using Sportstec performance analysis software Sportscode Elite® and Sportscode Game Breaker+® for four years. During this time our top teams have been able to utilise this system to provide analytical feedback to coaches, managers, and individual players. We provide weekly footage, clips, video reviews and basic game statistics to each team. From here players are able to critique their own game and review opposition plays. This gives UC the advantage to forecast what other teams are planning so we are able to adapt our strategies throughout the seasons. Many UC athletes play at regional and national level in their chosen sport. By having the facilities to provide video analysis, players can improve their performance and use this information to share amongst higher level Canterbury and national teams. Individuals are also able to use video analysis to asses gait running movements and patterns when either preparing for competition, an event or returning from injury. The Team at UC sport encompasses student interns, graduates and elite level sport scientists to help our teams reach their full potential.

STEP FOUR

PUTTING IT INTO PRACTICE

Once the game video is captured on the computer, and has been coded, our software breaks the footage down into clips of each of the key areas we want to look at. We can then very easily view, and review, groups of key moments (eg. every opposition goal scored, or every missed tackle) without having to search through the footage. Clips of different key events can be made into highlight videos and shared with the team privately via YouTube or Facebook.

What is learnt from the video analysis can then be incorporated into the training regime and/or tactical decision making of the team. If there is a clear weakness in the team – as picked up from the video analysis – a coach can plan their practice sessions around this.

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{ Feature }

THE SPORT OF SUPPORTING Callum Ching

On Saturday May 17th I walked into the stands of AMI stadium to watch the Crusaders play at home, with the boys and girls of the CANTABS – the Student Supporters Army here at UC. We went as one proud unit of red and black; albeit as a single group that had to travel in two separate buses for logistical purposes. Arriving at the game was only the beginning of the final stage. Time and preparation had to be done in order to get to that point. I followed a rigorous set of training exercises to get me into the correct shape to support at the game. I had stretches and warm ups to complete. My uniform needed to be laid out. The colours appropriate for my chosen side, the fabrics appropriately durable as well as warm. My diet had to be controlled. It was a build up. It was a ritual. It was imperative that I went into the stands and supported with all that I had. I turned up at the Foundry and received a green wristband for my trouble. I was informed that a beer was waiting for me at the bar and was eager to collect it. The barman handed over said free beer and marked my hand with a permanent marker so I couldn’t double up – the scoundrel. It was a relaxed atmosphere, with drinks and banter. A rugby league game was showing on the screens inside and I slipped into support mode, picking apart the plays and creating a running commentary that those closest to me had to endure.

Heat pump assisted flag work

Limbering up

Core strength training

The call was made to depart and onto the buses the supporters climbed. Once inside a set piece was produced by the CANTABS, where flags were passed left and then to the right. En route to AMI Stadium a chant was taken up by a selected few. This chant demonstrated enthusiasm, yet it also bespoke a lack of technical ability. Such ability is critical to the efficacy of a supporter’s chant. The CANTABS arrived and made their way through the supporter’s tunnel, joining the throngs of people pushing through the gates, boots clacking on the concrete, and then onto the small road ringing the stadium where refreshments are served as well as necessary facilities provided. On the way up to your position in the stands grabbing a drink was necessary. Looking out the crowd was a good size, and as the horses circled the Crusader flags were waved proudly around the grounds. It was an impressive sight to behold. The game itself was a rough one to watch. The Crusaders had good moments but failed to execute at the vital stages. The supporters were out in full voice and in the second half tried to raise a Mexican wave to shift the momentum the way of the home side.

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Unfortunately it was to no avail. Just as the Mexican wave failed to roll on, the Crusaders failed to capitalise on their opportunities. It was a rough ending to a pretty rough game. The supporters had given it their all for their team. The Crusaders had put on a good effort but come up short on the night. All credit to the men in red and black and a big cheer for those that get up and support. Next home game will see me back in the stands in my preferred position of supporter.

Real men cry in the bath, not the shower

{ Feature }

INTERVIEW WITH CANTABS STUDENT SUPPORTERS ARMY Interviewed by Callum Ching

Hawkey and Poukie from the Cantabs Student Supporters Army answered a few post support game questions for Canta. How is the season going so far? H – Slowly but surely. We are going from strength to strength.

What areas of your performance need work? P – Sponsorship. We work independently as ‘partners’ and it’s growing at an alarming rate. A bit of honey from Dean machine wouldn’t go astray.

What does it take to be a supporter? P – Consistency-passion-commitment.

When the Crusaders played the Sharks at home did you and the boys/girls give it your all out there in the stand?

Can a supporter drink wine, or is this outside of the recommended dietary requirements that encourage performance? H – Christchurch is a diverse place now days, many Aucklander folk have made their way down to the mainland – so we have had to make some allowances for wine and other bitch drinks. However, a supporter can do as they please. As long as they take responsibility for their actions and are held accountable. We don’t encourage drinking, we encourage chat.

Should you get in touch with the Maidens (cheerleaders for the Crusaders) in order to learn some fresh moves? Or would you teach ‘em a few? H – Poukie would teach them a bit of slap and tickle, I’ll tell ya that for free. However, one of our many catch phrases is “work hard, play hard.” So we ‘play hard’ to get, they will come to us.

What constitutes a penalty in the stands? H – Not getting amongst will constitute a penalty. Any anguish against a player on the field or in the stand, because of their skin colour is an immediate Red Card, unless it’s because of their jersey colour. Any compliment to an Australian franchise team is an auto 10 in the bin. Any CANTAB can sort another CANTAB out politely and accordingly if due, because, “it’s your doo!” Any member that is escorted outside from the stands by an officer is to be graced with a good send off!

The uniform of a supporter seems important, what fabrics, colours and styles best suit a member of the CANTABS Student Supporters Army? H – Anything red and black. We’ve got a few red and black overalls that we got made. Get in touch if you would like to order a pair.

With this season half way through, what improvements to your supporters campaign do you intend to make in 2015? H – Mate, she’s all set for the moon. The Crusaders franchise is right behind the cantabs. Early days yet, but we strive to one day getting an End Stand full of CANTABS.

H – Yip good doo. Besides the result and one Lincoln fella chucked in the cells, we went hard, we always do coz its our ‘doo.’ We run the cutter down there at AMI.

Do you have any pre-game rituals? P – Always a ‘pre-doo’ – whether it’s a beer & snarler or a razza coke & piece of crackling, there’s always kindling ready to make a fire!

Is it acceptable to have a poo during the game? P – Every time you exit the stand you must come back with a tray of wet ones if you decide to do the business down at the Stadium – in the loo’s mate, yeah. We would suggest people dump the kids off before they come, not just to CANTABS doo’s but just in general. This way you can confirm a clean wipe and a change of undies if need be- nothing worse when you pull and there’s a pair of tracks in ya jockey performances.

Does the Student Supporters Army support any particular brand of underwear? You know, so you get the right kind of support to support… P- Budgee smugglers and g bangers.

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{ Top 10 }

4 3

New Zealand Warrior’s centre Konrad Hurrell got a gob-job in a car. By a chick from Shortland Street. And he filmed it. This is not really a scandal – hence why it’s at number 10. It’s actually pretty funny. And we all got to make our own jokes about ‘scoring’ and the ‘new head coach.’ Turns out we’re hilarious.

Ten of the twelve members of the gold-winning Spanish basketball team in the 2000 Summer Paralympics were revealed to have no disabilities! They were meant to be intellectually disabled, but instead they were just a pack of averagely-brained wankstains. They were stripped of their medals two weeks later. Kind of makes Lance Armstrong seem like an OK guy, right? Nah. He’s still a douchebag.

Canadian Sprinter Ben Johnson won the Olympic 100m final in Seoul ‘88 in a world record time of 9.79seconds. Three days later his radioactive urine tested positive for stanozolo (an Italian-sounding steroid), and the gold medal was tossed to Carl Lewis. Turns out Lewis may or may not be just as dodgy – depending on who you believe. Let’s face it, they’re all dodgy. But at least CL had a sweet 80’s flattop.

Also in Seoul ‘88, a young amateur boxer by the name of Roy Jones Jr. (later to be a world champ in four divisions) was on his way to a gold medal against home-town hero Park Si-Hun. Jones landed 86 punches in the bout, compared to his Korean opponent’s 32. Now guess who won? Before you answer, you may want to consider that 3 of the 5 judges were later revealed to have been wined and dined by South Korean officials prior to the fight. Yeah. The Olympic committee had to change the official scoring system after that. And apparently you aren’t allowed to be bribed anymore. Stink.

Diego Maradonna is one of the greatest footballers to ever live. Before he found cocaine. And hamburgers. In the 1986 World Cup final between England and Argentina, Maradonna was competing for an aerial ball with the English goalkeeper (who was 8inches taller than him) and realized there was no way he was going to win. Or was he? In an act of pure cheating genius, Diego extended his left hand to the ball and slyly knocked it into the goal. The blind (or something…) Tunisian ref didn’t see it. Argentina went on to win the final 2-1. The incident is forever known as, “The Hand Of God Goal.” However, to put things in context, just four minutes later Maradonna scored, “The Goal Of The Century.” Then he did some cocaine. Probably. Allegedly.

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Lance Armstrong. Say no more, really. Douchebag.

of all time

(that you probably won’t agree with)

Kiwi cricketer Lou Vincent has admitted to match fixing. We can’t say much because the details are murky. And we can’t afford to get sued. Unless we can pay the fine in SeJuice? From what we’ve heard on Radio Sport, it’s a f&#k up of epic proportions. Stay tuned.

In the lead up to the 1994 US Figure Skating Champs, skater Nancy Kerrigan was attacked by a baton-wielding man, and was forced to withdraw. Her main competitor, Tonya Harding, won the tournament and was selected (along with Kerrigan) for the US Olympic Team. It later turned out that Tonya Harding’s ex-husband, Jeff Gillooly, and her bodyguard had hired some dude to attack Nancy and break her leg. But he only bruised her. It’s hard to get good hitman help these days. Nancy Kerrigan recovered from the attack and was able to win a silver at the 1994 Games in Lillehammer. Dirty old Harding finished 11th. Karma, much?! In the end, lots of people went to jail. Wikipedia it.

Phar Lap was a kiwi-born Thoroughbred racehorse who won the Melbourne Cup, two Cox Plates, and almost everything else. He went to North America, and won the 1932 Agula Caliente Handicap in Tijuana, Mexico in a track-record time. It would be his final race, as he went down with a sudden and mysterious illness (POISON!!!!! HE WAS POISONED BY THE MAFIA!!!) and died. At the time he was the third highest stakes-winner in the world. See his skin at Te Papa. It’s not as creepy as it sounds.

The All Blacks played the Springboks in the final of the 1995 Rugby World Cup. And we lost. But not because we weren’t the best team in the whole wide world, like, ever. Remember, we had Jonah! And Kronfeld! And Merhts! Basically, the ONLY reason we lost was because almost the ENTIRE team had food poisoning. Vomiting. Squirts. The whole she-bang. And who’s fault was it??? Nelson Mandela! That’s one theory, anyway. A more widespread belief is that it was work of one mysterious waitress forever known as, “Suzie.” Although All Blacks manager Colin Meads reckons it was just some dodgy milk. Apparently he was feeling seedy that day too – but had to admit he’d indulged in “a big night out” before the final. Classic Meads. Anyway, the point is we were FULLY F&%KING ROBBED! And no redblooded kiwi should ever watch that shit movie they made about it. Eat a dick Matt Damon.

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HUMAN TRA A NEW ZEALAND PERSPECTIVE

that workers from the developing world, often Indonesia or elsewhere in South East Asia, are tricked or forced into work by a foreign fishing company with a permit to fish our waters. Reports indicate that these men are then subject to “conditions of forced labour, including debt bondage, underpayment of wages, and some cases of physical and sexual abuse” (US State Dept report). These victims often never come ashore in New Zealand, and if they do, have little or no access to legal help. When these abuses were reported, they only resulted in prosecutions under environmental offences.

Christina Hallaway & Frances Gourlay Law for Change

Last week, we brought you a snapshot on the crime of human trafficking on an international level. This week, we want to bring the discussion closer to home, and look at what is going on in our own backyard. Talking to other university students about our research for Slave Free Seas (see box opposite), it is pretty scary when the response we get is, “But we don’t have human trafficking in New Zealand.” There might be a handful of countries in the world where human beings are not trafficked, but New Zealand is certainly not one of them. Despite this, we have a serious lack of awareness on the issue. A lot of New Zealanders think of human trafficking as something that goes on in the dingy brothels of South East Asia or Eastern Europe. This lack of awareness is caused by, and in turn causes, gaps in our official information, our criminal law and the prosecution of traffickers. No country has solved the problem of trafficking yet, but New Zealand lags far behind many others. To start with, we have no official statistics on human trafficking in New Zealand. There is no government or NGO group that has undertaken the massive task of interviewing, investigating and compiling estimates on the number of victims and perpetrators. This means that all potential trafficking law and policy in NZ starts from a shaky platform. In this day and age, when budgets are stretched and people are compassion-fatigued, it is incredibly difficult to lobby for change without concrete statistics. Academics are still conducting research and producing documents, but they are severely limited in what they can prove. Crucially for New Zealand, human trafficking per se is only an offence under the Crimes Act if the trafficking is international, i.e. in or out of New Zealand. There is anecdotal evidence of New Zealand gangs trafficking young girls around the country for sexual exploitation. Some of these cases do get prosecuted, but under the lesser offences described above. They are not recognised as cases of human trafficking and are therefore not given that

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This state of urgency in our city has created the scope for human rights abuse. damning label. For this, our jurisprudence has suffered heavily. Thankfully, this issue has been brought to the attention of the government, who have committed to changing it. However, this still leaves us behind the EU, USA and the UK. Anti-trafficking has moved forward in recent years from simply prosecuting offenders to actively providing victim compensation and redress mechanisms. If New Zealand is only just coming to the stage where we acknowledge that trafficking exists, we are still many years behind. Even where the laws do exist, New Zealand has a poor record when it comes to enforcement and prosecution. Last year, the USA’s Office to Monitor and Combat Trafficking in Persons criticised the NZ government for its poor efforts in combatting trafficking. While there was evidence of sex trafficking and forced labour in New Zealand, there were no prosecutions or victim certifications for over seven years, even when investigations did take place. While some instances of non-prosecution could be put down to legal obstacles such as evidentiary issues or a lack of available witnesses, this does not excuse a wholesale failure to prosecute. Trafficking on foreign-flagged fishing ships has been covered intermittently in the media in recent years. This issue is particularly tricky because it involves foreign parties in the New Zealand jurisdiction. The general process is

One local NGO, Slave Free Seas (SFS), is the only organisation in the world specifically dedicated to fighting sea-based human trafficking. Their research has shown the existence of systematic abuse of victims on New Zealand waters, and they are using their extensive legal skills to find remedies for this abuse.* Human trafficking is also going on in our own city, spawned by our unique circumstances. As we’ve all heard, the rebuild has left Christchurch crying out for labourers and tradespeople that we simply don’t have in New Zealand. This has meant an influx of migrant workers to fill in the gaps. This state of urgency has created the scope for human rights abuse. As we mentioned last week, many victims of human trafficking are poverty-stricken people looking for work opportunities. They are among the most desperate in the world, and therefore the most vulnerable to exploitation. New Zealand is not immune to taking advantage of these people. It is estimated that nearly half of the influx in Christchurch are Filipino migrant workers. Unions have reported workers being paid less than minimum wage, having their passports withheld from them, or simply not being paid at all. Some of the reporting around this uses euphemism such as “unfair working conditions” or “payment issues”, but this is debt bondage, pure and simple, and debt bondage is a form of human trafficking. In short, New Zealand is suffering from a strange gap in our awareness and law on a serious issue. For a country that is usually pretty progressive in terms of human rights, our stance on human trafficking is a stain on our good reputation. For some, this is understandable, considering that our governments and legislators have left the public in the dark on the enslavement and abuse of hundreds of people in our jurisdiction. But you are no longer in the dark. Once you’ve read these articles, you can continue to look away, but you can never again say that you did not know.

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AFFICKING

Some examples of abolitionist groups in New Zealand:

- Nvader, a Christchurch-based organisation fighting the sex trafficking of women and children around the world: nvader.org - New Zealand Network Against People Trafficking, a network of individuals and agencies with an interest in combatting the trafficking of people: nznapt.org - Slave Free Seas, an NGO combatting human trafficking at sea: slavefreeseas.org - ECPAT, an international organisation aimed at preventing the sexual exploitation of children: ecpat.net *If any law students would like to get involved in researching human trafficking and assisting Slave Free Seas, contact Frances at

lawforchangecanterbury@gmail.com

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FIFA WORLD CUP 2014 Taidhg Fraser

The 2014 edition of the FIFA World Cup is now only days away. Come June and July all eyes around the world will be focussed on Brazil, but what will happen, and which of the 32 countries remaining will emerge with the Jules Rimet Trophy this time around? It doesn’t seem like it was four years ago that our All Whites went to South Africa and did the unthinkable, drawing all three of their group games, which made them the only team in the tournament not to taste defeat. This time around, as our boys won’t be there, people like myself will be likely to follow various rules set out on Facebook and in drinking games to determine who to support, as well as that, here is Canta’s unofficial guide to 2014 World Cup Brazil. This time around the games are at slightly more social hours with kickoffs at 4am, 7am, and 10am. However, the timing means that for some of the games in the equatorial city of Manaus (also in the middle of the Amazon), and other tropical cities of Cuiaba, and Brasilia, matches will be hosted in the middle of the day. This has been described “inhumane” by local players associations. However, the global market determines when the games are played, meaning this will simply prove another factor to take into account for teams acclimatising and is just another feature of ‘the luck of the draw.’ There is also some debate over whether the stadiums will be finished in time. I seem to recall this same issue being discussed with the stadia in South Africa in 2010 – so despite all the talk, I don’t see it being an issue. At least their facilities won’t be as bad as those in Sochi. Let’s not forget about the equipment too. For the first time ever at a World Cup vanishing spray and goal line technology will be used after successful trials in the Premier League, Confederations Cup and other tournaments – yes football is finally moving into the 21st Century. Furthermore, don’t expect there to be any furore over what ball they’re using this time. The Adidas Brazuca features a significantly different design than the 2010 ball and according to expert testing has reacted positively. A significant drawback from South Africa was the incessant buzzing of the vuvuzelas. Going back and watching matches now, I don’t think I actually appreciated how annoying it was at the time as the entire match was accompanied by the drone of thousands of idiots and their plastic trumpets. This time round expect to hear some of the caxirolas, a plastic percussion piece designed to make a similar sound to a maraca. I guess only time will tell if this one will have the same longevity and annoyance value.

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All this said and I haven’t even mentioned the teams. England for the first time in a long time look youthful and vibrant. France is looking like a serious dark horse contender. Spain will be looking to defend their title. Cristiano will lead Portugal. Messi will lead Argentina. Uruguay will look to build on their star players domestic form and spoil the party. Don’t count out the passionate Italians, efficient Germans or unpredictable Dutch going deep. Could this be the chance for Africa, looking dangerous in recent years, with Ghana, Nigeria and the Ivory Coast? Perhaps a more unfashionable team goes the distance like Belgium, Switzerland, South Korea, or Colombia. And above all else Brazil will be looking to win it in front of their home fans. We know that all teams will be out there with different things to prove. There will be upsets. One draw or loss can throw out everyone’s predictions. There will be walk-overs. There are already potentially three groups of death, but the old saying goes there’s never an easy World Cup game. There will be a Cinderella story. A favourite will crash out. We will see new national heroes crowned. Players will both over- and under-perform. There will be drama, there will be heartbreak, and this is the magic of football. But above all else we will see a month long carnival in the spiritual home of football, as Brazil tries to show it can handle this huge influx of athletes, journalists, TV crews and most importantly – fans in the build up towards Rio 2016.

Odds (via PaddyPower): The Favourites: Brazil: 3/1 Argentina: 9/2 Spain: 11/2 Germany: 13/2

The Dark Horses: Belgium: 20/1 France: 22/1 Colombia: 30/1 Uruguay: 30/1 England: 33/1

Quarterfinal Predictions: Brazil v England; Switzerland v Germany; Spain v Uruguay; Argentina v Belgium

Predicted Winner: Brazil

WHAT’S ON The Descendantz

La Nochecita Latina

Friday 6 June 6.30-10pm Harrington’s Brewery, Wharenui Rd R18 FREE

Saturday 7 June 8pm – late Woolston Club $17 Students / $20 non-students / $25 door sales Brought to you by UCanDance, La Noche has arrived! Come along for a night of mind-blowing dancing and outstanding performances. Featuring DJ Don Juan from Sydney, the night will feature a sweet line-up of songs including salsa, bachata, merengue, rueda, Zouk, and cha.

Chem-pare/Comm-trast Opening night Tuesday 3 June 5.30PM Exhibition runs to Friday 13 June Biology Research Atrium FREE Chem-pare/Comm-trast is a collaborative project between students from Chemistry, Fine Arts and Art History, based around communication and reactive concepts.

Tickets from ucandance.org/lanoche

Mid-Week Laughter Club Wednesday 4 June 6-7pm Somerfield Community Centre $2 on the door A laughter club is where we gather in a group to laugh for no reason - that means no jokes or comedy. Instead we engage in simple, playful exercises so that laughter becomes easy and accessible. Sessions are open to all ages and levels of fitness. No equipment or registration necessary.

Interaction Design Information Evening Thursday 5 June 6-8pm University of Canterbury FREE We are organizing an information evening about our educational programs in interaction design at the Human Interface Technology Laboratory. Come and join us for an evening of amazing demos, discussions around interaction design and free pizza.

Lindisfarne Saturday 7 June 10am St Peter’s Church $30 UC Medieval and Renaissance Society’s main event of the year. Fighting, dancing, games and viking-style feasting! Details on Facebook. Contact: Roger Welsh rjhwelsh@gmail. com

Canterbury Red Devils vs. Southern Stampede Ice Hockey Match

Saturday 7 June 8.30pm The Foundry V Stamp Card required for entry

Sat 7 & Sun 8 June 4.30-7pm Alpine Ice Sports Arena $15

With Bomb’s Away headlining, V cocktails and mixers, $700 worth of prizes to be given away, a photobooth and heaps more fun stuff this is a massive event not to be missed. FREE event. Details of entry: ucsa.org.nz

Heath Franklin’s Chopper – Repeat Offender The Phoenix Foundation ‘Tom’s Lunch’ EP Release Tour Friday 6 June 8pm The Bedford $30

V Energy Party feat. Bombs Away!

Saturday 7 June 7.30-8.45pm CBS Arena Students $38.90 / Adults $42.90 Tickets: laughingstock.co.nz

Canterbury Rams vs. Waikato Pistons Sunday 8 June 3.30pm-6pm Cowles Stadium Ticketing info: rams.org.nz

{ Canta 2014 }

PUZZLE TIME

THE QUIZNEZZ 1. Which author set most of his books in the year 802,701? 2. What is the largest Scandinavian country? 3. What is a somnambulist?

FINISH THE DOODLE

4. Who brings gifts to the children of Brazil and Peru? 5. Where does vanilla come from? 6. How many honeybees does it take to make one teaspoon of honey? 7. What is the highest mountain in Australia? 8. Which country has won more Olympic gold medals per capita than any other country? ANSWERS: 1)H.G. WELLS 2)SWEDEN 3)A SLEEPWALKER 4)PAPA NOEL 5)ORCHIDS 6)12 7)MT KOSCIUSZKO 8)NEW ZEALAND, BOOMTOWN!

CROSSWORD

SU-DOH!-KU

SAY WHAAAAAT? Kobe Bryant took pop superstar Brandy to his senior prom.

During the 1904 Olympics, distance runner Fred Lorz cheated his way to a marathon victory by riding in a car for 11 miles.

Shaquille O’Neal was 6’8” at 14 years old. An estimated 1.25 billion chicken wings are consumed on Super Bowl Sunday according to the National Chicken Council (via Wall Street Journal).

Tigers, leopards, and jaguars love Calvin Klein’s Obsession for Men. The scent is used to attract animals to cameras in the wilderness.

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NZ CHAMPION BREWERY 2012 Snap a photo of what you’re doing right now & be in to WIN

This week’s winner:

Each week, we’re giving away a $50 Prezzy Card for your best photos of uni life. Submit at the website or hashtag an instagram

ANDY TAN