KIA ORA BEAUTIFUL UC STUDENTS! Please consider this CANTA’s gift to you! An extra edition of CANTA – that’s dirtier, smuttier, and sexier than usual. Sex is a very normal part of the human experience, and students are pretty good at going at it like rabbits. But even so, people’s sex and relationships remain a pretty taboo subject and we don’t talk about it enough. So CANTA thought it was about time to celebrate and talk about all the various forms that love, sex, and relationships can come in. As some of you know, we recently released a sex survey, we kept it optional and anonymous but boy oh boy we had an overwhelming response! Close to 1000 people filled out our survey and my god, what an unholy bunch you all are. Spread throughout this magazine you will find a breakdown and the best bits from this survey, a blind dates marathon, sexy food tasting, and an instructional on how to buy your first sex toy… so please enjoy xo On a more serious note, we also want to thank everyone who shared their experiences and acknowledge the great feedback we got about the survey. NOTE: Some people wanted clarity over the term ‘sexual debut’. Essentially it was coined to be a more inclusive term for those who don’t participate in heterosexual sex and avoid ambiguity. A ‘sexual debut’ refers to the first time you had a sexual experience, however you choose to define it.
*OUR DATES WERE PRINTED AS SUBMITTED, WITHOUT PROOFING
one side find a prince and was tired of kissing frogs. We laughed
went the right way. I was nervous before no questions
about some accents, and she taught me a phrase in
asked, shaking and sweating as I walked down the path.
Maori. Rambled about some awkward dates and past
Walked into Shilling Club with a bit of stumble, asked the
weird stories. Started playing with our food like ten year
guy for a Ca-canta table I mumbled. I turned around and
olds do. Put some mango and syrup on a wedge, added
saw a cutie talking to her mate, but nah she’s out of my
some cream, lettuce and ice-cream dripping off the edge.
league and not here for a date? I got shown to my table
We got a visitor about half way through the date, and
sat down and I waited. I saw her coming, got up and
through it all made a new mate. Our date started at one
gave her hug, shout out to CANTA for being the plug! We
and before we knew it it was done, we walked up to the
exchanged names and got into the menu, took advantage
library to kill some more time, cause she had a meeting to
of the tab and the venue. Ordered some wedges, some
go to and I had work at five. We walked back to my place
waffles and a vegan mango salad, I think we went pretty
and played a bit of piano, talked about our Uni lives and
hard all the other dates around us seemed pallid. She got
a bit of Mono. She likes Thailand, loves her culture and
a Somersby and I got a Kingfisher, after the drinks were
passionate about animals. Really loves her mom and at
in us the convo flowed easier. We talked about where
this time is being so strong. Appreciated the time we had,
we’ve travelled or where we wanted to go, talked about
but that’s about all I can add. She was fab. Thank you to
some passions and asked questions we both wanted to
CANTA for this awesome date, would I do it again with
know. She’s definitely clever, but couldn’t guess where I
her? Well we’ll have to wait.
was from, then went on to talk about how she wanted to
other side Before arriving at the Shilling club, the nerves started to
we did what only 21 odd year mature university students
creep in, and my life was suddenly becoming Eminem’s
would do, we made a loaded wedge, mango, salad, ice
song “Lose Yourself” as my palms were sweaty, my knees
cream and maple syrup covered monster of a forkful
were weak and arms were heavy although luckily there
for her to eat, and she did it. She ate that bad boy. Now
wasn’t vomit on my sweater or mums spaghetti. I arrive at
I tend to think of myself as a one-man wolf pack. But
the shilling club and to my surprise my date was already
when I arrived at the Shilling club and met A, I knew he
there, I was greeted with a hug and suddenly all nerves
was one of my own. And my wolf pack, it grew by one.
went away. Boy was I lucky because my date had been
So there were two of us in the wolf pack. I was alone
starving themselves too so we could order some primo
first in the pack and then A joined in later. And one day
food - Loaded Wedges, Vegan mango salad, Waffles with
ago....when C introduced herself to us, I thought: “Wait
ice cream and a classy Somersby apple cider - that was
a second. Could it be? And now, I know for sure. I just
some 5 star dining to me. Not long after getting to know
added one more person to my wolf pack.”...Three of us
eachother our date became a threesome (I know what
wolves, eating at the shilling club together at UC, looking
you’re thinking, shit that was quick, I want some of that
for strippers and cocaine. Now this might sound like it’s
action, Josh really hooked you up.. but let me explain).
from the movie The Hangover, and damn right it is. My life
Unfortunately the knight in shining armour of the girl next
went from sweaty palms, weak knees and heavy arms to
to us had to run to his Law class, good thing she found
finding my wolf pack, don’t worry though, in our threesome
out he was doing law early because we all know that he
we made sure we were safe, no sexually transmitted
just made up the excuse of having class because his
diseases were caught, no bodily fluids were exchanged,
hemorrhoid was growing due to the pressure of holding in
no real cocaine was taken because fortunately unlike Alan
some serious argument so that’s a bullet dodged. So as
in The Hangover we didn’t cut our hands and become
this twosie became a threesie we decided we needed to
blood brothers. With that being said all in all, the date was
have some sort of initiation to accept her into our clan so
a success.
date one
Not a bad date if I must say, could’ve gone worse, but
one side me for holding a grudge against them, especially when
seated at the table wedged between 2 other couples
they aren’t even paying for their first year of uni (thanks
clearly also on blind dates. As I sat there waiting for my
Jacinda).
date to arrive I was seriously questioning why I signed up for this. It was too late to back out now though and I
We didn’t seem to have many things in common and the
was looking forward to a decent meal. My date arrived
conversation would die out quickly. However, one thing we
fashionably late and told me his friends had been helping
both take an interest in is tramping and we discussed the
make him presentable for like an hour. Appreciated the
various places we had been. All in all it was not a terrible
effort, thanks.
date and he was perfectly nice. The spark just wasn’t there. My date finished his lunch and drink well before me
The date started off with your typical small talk and never
and I felt the need to guzzle back my cider as politely as I
really progressed from there. We discussed what we were
could so we weren’t both trapped there.
studying, our experiences at the halls, where we were from etc.
There was a hug goodbye but when no numbers or details were swapped at the end of the date, I think we both were
I will admit it was a little disappointing finding out he
in agreement that this would remain our first and last date.
was a fresher, as I generally would prefer an older guy. Naturally this meant he would really have to really step
Cheers to the Shilling Club and CANTA for the great food
up his game for me to overlook this fact. You can’t blame
and the luxury of having a cider with lunch.
other side I want to start this by saying sorry to everyone reading the sex edition looking for some homebrand 50 Shades of Grey in this blind date, this isn’t where you’ll find it. Before the date was taken up by an hour or so of the boys ripping into me for various style mistakes, and not being able to iron my shirt because someone’s mum had taken the one ironing board in the hall (wtf who still gets mum to do their laundry once they leave home??). So I headed to the Shilling Club half-full of confidence, arriving late, but hopefully not late enough I looked like a dick. I spotted a girl sitting alone at a table for two so went over hoping it was my date, and indeed it was. We covered all the usual point of small talk with relatively few awkward silences, which I was relieved about, before ordering some lunch and drinks - mango chicken and a pilsner for me, she got a cider and falafel salad.
The meal took it’s time arriving and we both decided this was a deliberate policy to make sure people couldn’t bail on these too early. But there wasn’t much danger of that here, we were getting on pretty well and despite being from Hamilton she was really chatty and a good laugh. We didn’t have a huge amount in common but it turned out we both enjoyed hiking so shared a few stories about that. We also chatted about about what we were doing on a blind date in the age of Tinder. As it turned out both of us were there because our mates spam tagged us in Josh’s post about it and I think Canta were running out of people who actually volunteered. After finishing the meals and a bit more talking we did the classic slightlyawkward blind date hug goodbye and headed our separate ways. Overall I really enjoyed it, the food was the best I’ve had in weeks and she was a cool girl. I’m not really a dating person and we didn’t exchange numbers or anything so I don’t see there being a second but it was definitely fun.
date two
So I arrived right on time to the Shilling Club and was
o WHETHER IT BE THROUGH INCOGNITO WINDOW INTERNET BROWSING OR A CLICKBAIT TAGLINE ON A MOVIE STREAMING SITE, YOU’VE PROBABLY COME ACROSS AN ARTICLE ABOUT APHRODISIACS. THE THING IS, WE POOR STUDENTS CAN’T BE WASTING OUR SWEET COIN ON THE OFTEN RARE AND WORLDLY PRODUCTS THESE ARTICLES RATE, YET STILL MAY WANT TO DELVE INTO THE APHRODISIAC WORLD. WELCOME TO THIS WEEK’S SPECIAL EDITION OF BEN APPETIT, WHERE WE TAKE A LOOK AT TEN AFFORDABLE YET INTERESTING APHRODISIACS.
Despite a lack of scientific backing, people can’t get enough of aphrodisiacs, those substances that when consumed, increase a person’s libido. Tales of Nutella and other questionable spreads in the bedroom even feature in this edition’s sex survey. As a result, this list is more diverse than just whipped cream and raspberry jam (except for honey, which features in too many online articles for me to overlook it). Honey contains boron, which helps to regulate estrogen and testosterone levels, providing a natural energy boost. I ate a Manuka bush honey, because that’s totally how I roll. Oh honey. Chocolate is another widely known love food, causing spikes in dopamine and maybe proving that once you go black… Asparagus has a high amount of vitamin E, which increases blood and oxygen flows (so you can finally maintain an erection, George!) High potassium levels are also linked to sex hormone production. Asparagus might be too spicy and uncommon the majority of basic white palates, so good luck. Maybe bananas are a better option, which are high in vitamin B and potassium. Let’s be real, that banana is probably larger than what’ll be following the meal anyway… Basil is a Roman symbol for love and for good reason. Modern science says basil contains a variety of vivacious vitamins (and at least this herb is legal). I wonder if supermarket bakers are incredibly pent up, because garlic also makes this list as the poster child for the allium family (alongside leeks and onions). Wash out your gaping maw before getting anywhere near anyone though - maybe eat that New World loaf together for dinner hours prior. Get your nut before the deed and eat a fistful of almonds! A prime source of beneficial fatty acids like omega-3, with the help of almonds even the #vegang can get up with the aphrodisiac times. With a shape similarly sensuous to almonds, the pear-shaped avocado has a reputation as far back as the Aztecs. The Aztec word for avocado is “ahuacatl,” which means “testicle,” funnily enough. Maybe that explains Auckland’s population boom? Oysters are a commonly known aphrodisiac for being high in zinc which trigger the production of sex hormones. When I ate the canned oysters as pictured, I absolutely gagged, so despite their promiscuous properties a sweeter food might be preferred. Take figs for example, which have sexual links even in the Bible. Both oysters and figs are pumping with amino acids, . There you have it, ten things to eat before your next meal. The next time you hit up the bedroom, maybe check out the pantry first! With a bit of luck you’ll be rating your next night a hearty 10/10 BENS.
Heading into this date I didn’t have much hope. I’m a gay
on the other hand... 3 years is enough thanks. I was
student, feeling lost in a community where I’m surrounded
surprised by the fact that I hadn’t seen or come across
by other guys who have commitment issues and are just
him through my search for the one, considering just how
looking for dick. Not me! (not right now at least)
small Christchurch is and especially the gay community here. Everyone seems to know everyone, so it was nice
In typical me fashion, I was fashionably ‘on time’ to my
to chat with someone that I knew absolutely nothing about
date because I don’t like being the first to arrive. I was
before meeting.
greeted by a happy looking guy, who seemed a little bit nervous; as was I. After shaking our way through the
After about an hour of chatting and stuffing our faces
menus and moments of awkward silences, we decided to
with salads like the health conscious gays we are, I had
be spontaneous and order when the waiter came back.
decided to go to my lecture and part ways. I just didn’t really feel a connection with the guy, although I must say
I’m going to stop you here if you’re looking for a story
he seems like one of the nice ones. You’ve restored my
where I rip into a guy like some of the savage bitches that
faith in the fact that the right guy is out there for me, and
have had a blind date through Canta. There wasn’t much
I’m sure you will find yours too. plays “Somewhere Over
juicy goss to report from my date.
the Rainbow”
We talked about generic things that most do: what
I’m not one to give out my details straight away, nor one to
degrees we are studying, where we are from, what we
give hugs out like Jacinda hands out fuel taxes. Instead,
like to do with our spare time yada yada. He seems smart
we paused momentarily outside of the Shilling Club, said
as he has the motivation to actually do his honours, me
goodbye and that was the end of that.
other side I’m gonna start by saying I’m a freaking catch. I’m a solid
I quickly established that not only is this dude good-
7/10, the best cook in my flat and a general delight to
looking, he’s also quite smart, has career goals, is a
be around. However I suck at dating and putting myself
valuable member of the UC community and seems to
out there ‘emotionally’, which is a problem as the clocks
know what he’s doing in life. Which is completely opposite
ticking on finding myself a husband. Recently, my only
to me – bit of a menace, loves mono waaaay to much and
options for finding a relationship seemed to be turning
no idea what to do after Uni. Also I’m a postgrad veteran
my flat-mates gay (60% there already) or turning myself
and he’s a bright eyed second year – the age difference
straight and finally sleeping with my best friend. However,
made clear by our hairlines. Regardless we managed to
a blind date seemed like a more practical option and no
get through the date without going fully off the rails and
matter what, I got a free feed out of it (spoiler: food was
me embarrassing myself and I enjoyed the yarns.
mean). However at the end of date we went our separate ways, After questioning all my life choices leading up to this
him to a lecture and me back home to probably slam
moment, I headed to the Shilling Club and heavily
those shots I never had. Overall it was a fun experience
considered slamming a few shots to calm the nerves. After
well out of my comfort zone, and a great way to get the
sitting down and freaking the fuck out for a few minutes
rig back into the dating scene. Even though I had a great
he finally arrived. My first thoughts were, “Oh good, I don’t
time I don’t think there was much chemistry and we didn’t
know this dude”, followed by “Oh shit he’s actually fit”.
exchange info. However that could have just been me
We introduced ourselves and got right into standard chat
being a complete drongo – so if you’re keen to hang
about Uni, flatting, social activities and such. Good news
again, you can stalk my Instagram (or Grindr, whatever’s
is that he seems way too nice to be mean in his write up
easiest) or just find me in the crowd at Mono.
(or I hope).
date three
one side
SEX! WHO’S HAVING IT? WHO WANTS IT? ME ME ME. I first gave my flower away on my wedding night to my first husband, Harold. His name was Harold Chambers. Harold is dead now. Our first time together was as exciting as choking down a cold sausage. Ours was a marriage that Mother arranged and at least Harold was rich even if he was a secret chutney ferret. But enough about me! I’m here to help! Question: Hi Grandma, my boyfriend wants to try anal and I’m interested but scared. Should I? Anon
Hi Annie, Your chap wants to try anal? SO WHAT? What man doesn’t! Men will try stick their diddles into anything, absolutely anything. Just revolting. But my love, it’s entirely up to you if you want to take it in the REDACTED.
IT’S ALL ABOUT CONSENT. My backdoor Betty has an exit only policy so you’ll never catching
Hi Ngaire, What porn do you think is best? Jenifer
Hi Jenifer, Personally I don’t enjoy pornography. I’d rather eat the hot dog then watch someone enjoy it. Although I do rather love David Attenborough documentaries. Gosh aren’t all those animals HORNY?! God bless, Ngai
me boiling sheets after a whoopsie. Good luck with the chocky starfish,
Hey Ngaire where you been? Giz a root? Churr
Gran
Jeremy
Dear Ngaire,
Why, hello there! I have been quiet haven’t I? I’m
Everyone at uni talks about sex a lot and I still haven’t done that much. It makes
sorry. After winning a division 6 LOTTO pay out I’ve
me embarrassed. Am I a freak?
been travelling the Gold Coast with my friend Pat in a camper van. We’ve had a marvellous trip. I met a
Dear sweet child,
Philippino lady who made me noodles! We saw her
Bless your heart, my angel. You’re not a freak, not at all. And trust me - I’ve
boobs too. And yes! Of course you can have a root! I’d
screwed my share of freaks. It sounds as though you’re just around some people
be delighted. You sound fun. Pop round to my unit at
who’ve had more bad sex than you or are telling you fibs. It’s always the ones
the rest home and let’s get stuck in.
who are quiet about it who are getting the most and the loudest people who brag are either crap shags or not getting any. Be patient, try not to stress and have a
See you soon,
wank. Lots of lubricant and self love.
Ngaire
Ngaire (formerly called Destiny of Hamilton’s ShowGirls)
Dear NKB Whats your type of man? Or woman? Or non binary individual? Bee
Hi Bee, great question. I love a man who looks like he could start a lawn mower but also a man who knows not to get lippy back at me when I’m cross. Also someone who can make me laugh (but not in the bedroom) John Key looks with a Billy T personality. And someone who knows how to treat a taint. Ngaire.
one side We began chatting and found we had a few things in
a small number of flings and a heap of messages to tinder
common; she was going on the MGMT China Trip (me
matches at 1am after a big night at Mono (to moderate
being lazy had not even applied for it) but I did know a
degrees of success), so when the final round of Canta
close friend who was also going, which got us talking. The
Lucky Dip came around I jumped at the opportunity!
conversation flowed well from there and aside from a few awkward pauses between mouthfuls of food we spent
This was my first blind date, so I made the decision to
most of the time chatting away. However, as soon as
arrive a few minutes early and tried to get comfortable
she mentioned she was an Arts and Commerce student
knowing what was ahead. Seeing the other dates seated
I realised it wasn’t going to work out. As a law student, I
and chatting away added a bit of pressure, but I held out
need a certain level of intelligence to vibe with that only
in the hope that things would go smoothly. She arrived
law students can provide.
a couple of minutes later and the pleasantly awkward greetings of a blind date followed. The waiter brought over
After a large rush of students around the Shilling Club I
our menus and we both agreed the loaded wedges was a
realised I was late for my torts lecture and had to head
must. I’m not sure if she had many but I made sure to help
off quickly, making sure to thank her for the experience. I
myself (shout-out to CANTA).
enjoyed my time but don’t know if there’ll be another date in the future, so ladies I’ll be seeing you on tinder!
other side To start off, I decided to go for a blind date for a bit
to’ and swiftly asked the girl next to us for the time.
perfect way to procrastinate.
out of there faster than you can say Usain Bolt. I was
of fun since it’s the last issue and thought it was the
The date started off alright, I felt bad for making
him wait as the other blind dates that had already
started but we got straight down to business with a
handshake. One crucial point I think we forgot to do
Alas, it was time for him to go and man did he bolt
left with food that hadn’t been finished and felt a bit
flustered that my date left so abruptly. I thought it was
the end until the girl started talking and let me join her conversation with her date.
was to introduce ourselves, which is a rookie mistake
This is how I ended up third-wheeling the couple next
realise this until after he left, though thankfully we
cider whilst making new friends and having mean
on my part as I have a habit of doing this. I didn’t
have a few mutual friends and I found out what his name is through the lovely waiter.
Now I don’t want to bore you guys with our
conversations as we talked about pretty standard
first date topics around uni, travel and our plans after
uni. We went ahead and ordered lemonade, wedges, and our own main meals. After an hour of chatting I made the mistake of asking if he had anymore
classes in the afternoon, to which he said that he
had an ‘unrecorded law lecture that he had to get
to me and making the most of the tab with a cheeky
yarns which made up for feeling like a bride who got left at the altar. Thanks to my date for a good chat,
you really embraced the whole ‘live law, love law’ life and a massive SHOUT OUT to the couple next to
me who initiated me into their table by feeding me
a concoction of a piece of wedge topped with sour cream, chick peas and mango which was drizzled
with syrup. I’m now glad that my date left in a hurry as I managed to meet more people than I had bargained for and ended up having a better time.
date four
During my time at university my ‘dating’ has consisted of
ANY FUNNY/EMBARRASSING SEX STORIES COME TO MIND? ing your ic, screw the class st ju se been s e’ “ Ther one who ate (the s best m ?). te g a in m o t bes mg where I’ - you see smart. h a Ye . overseas he is alise who on re u yo introducti Before t official ally grea re n a he s w a w That ecially later. Esp .” t a week keep it up at the fla to m hi et g couldn’t you both
HE HUMMED DARU DE’S SEMINAL WORK SANDSTOR M DURING SEX FO R “MOTIVATION” AS HE PUT IT.” “Having a girl text her flatm ates to come into the room to check out the size of my cock , followed by them all having a feel, before wishing her good luck , laughing and then leaving.”
“THE SECOND I WA S ABOUT TO LOSE MY VIRGINITY ONE OF MY
“I was givi ng a blow job while wat ching the little mermaid an d stopped mid-way to just watch the movie. My partner at the time procee ded to tap me on the face with his di ck and made my nose bleed. Got to watch the rest of the movie in peace.”
MATES BURST INTO THE ROOM AND SQUA TTED ON THE BED, SLAV
STYLE.
AS TW S EBU D L UP A UA SSED SEX E R Y ” D “M ORD WAS ERSW EN I WH ATH E F TAIN CAP
w job and ing a blo I was giv id that’ll sa ished he as he fin e just ecause w do pig b rlier that ea e b ba watched resulting I laughed day and y nose. m f o ing out in it com or s spitting t count a Does tha ing? swallow
FRIEND “MY BOY TO TIE D TE N WA E S, BUT W MY ARM D N FI ’T COULDN G SO WE ANY THIN ONE USED A PH RD.” CO C HARGER
WHICH SEXUAL ACTS DO YOU PARTICIPATE IN?
%0
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n
With two cans of chickpeas and an empty box of muesli
Rey don’t @ me). After an hour and a half we went our
on my cupboard shelf getting the message to go on the
separate ways and I was left to spend another fruitless
CANTA blind date was a godsend. When else would I
night on grindr sending “you up?” texts to another discrete
have the opportunity to taste the famous dumplings and
tradie to come over
eat salmon on the university budget? Random points about our date I trekked down to the shilling club and took a seat amongst the five other blind date couples. I arrived before
•In regards to his rings and necklaces I had seen more
my date and positioned myself to face the windows in
subtle fake jewellery on a drag queen
case I needed to make a quick escape. Yet, hopes were high and I waited by fantasising about how my future date
•The salmon roulade had a bit too much cream cheese
would look like a mixture between Tom Hardy and UC’s
in it
own law lecturer Sacha Mueller. However, my hopes were dashed when I saw a fellow twink walk over to the table.
• We both agreed Rihanna is the living embodiment of big
There’s room for only one annoying twink in the bedroom
dick energy
and that’s me. Considering it was a day date I felt like getting sloshed on free white wine would have been
•The shilling wait staff often looked over the dates like a
frowned upon so I got a respectful flat white, however,
proud parent at their daughters first netball game
looking across at the other tables who had alcohol I cursed inwardly. But although we were both sober, there
Anyway, I wish I could spill more tea and could give the
were no awkward silences and we got on despite his love
readers more drama but it was really just a pleasant lunch
of soundcloud rappers. Conversation mainly stemmed
with no spark.
around the recent Lana Del Ray and Azealia Banks drama and who we thought had come up on top (100% Lana Del
Soz team.
other side So about one year after realizing I was bi I was finally
(Look some of us queers have bad memories I’m
fairly nervous beforehand but my fears were put at
I held my own pretty well in conversation. We didn’t
on my first date with a man thanks to Canta. I was
ease as we settled easily into conversation. As my
date pointed out I did dress quote on quote “straight” for the date which could’ve been bad, but him being in classic law student attire of a sweater with new
balances didn’t make me feel to out of place. We got
a good amount of food again thanks to Canta. Despite my date knowing nothing about SoundCloud rappers (a travesty) our mutual connection over the Lana
VS Banks beef proved riveting. Being a lunch date I did not have my trusty friend alcohol to rely upon so
hopefully I wasn’t too much of an awkward mess. I did tell him to not write anything too mean so if he’s rude I will feel betrayed hurt and vengeful. I think my main fuck up was forgetting the name of the show Queer
Eye, immediately bringing down my level of gayness.
sorry!!). Even with this catastrophic mistake I think
seem to share many common interests, my date was very invested in drag which I’ll admit is a respectful
and honestly very cool interest. Unfortunately I know nothing about drag unless the movie Miss Doubtfire
counts which as I’m writing I think might be offensive but it’s all I got. (Is it rude?? I’m sorry!! I’m just trying to relate.) All in all my first gay date went well, I left
untraumatised and feeling pretty good. At the same
time I don’t think I can really see a second date in the pipeline, just wasn’t a connection in that way. I mean
we ended the date with a handshake which although polite doesn’t exactly scream fireworks and love. Maybe I’ll catch you at mono sometime. Xoxo - bi boy
date five
d
one side
Other than all the studying, pathing a promising future and ruining our blood alcohol levels, university is the place to explore our sexual selves. A time in our lives where our libidos are running rampant, apparently more so for the ladies! However, the overwhelming majority of us won’t delve outside the realm of conventional, vanilla sex. I am a third-year student myself, who works as a content author at Adulttoymegastore and have naturally experienced my share of pleasurable playthings. If you had said anything to me about sex toys a year ago, I would’ve been clueless and even felt a bit intimidated. However, by the power invested in me and the 14-inch suction-cup dildo chilling on my work desk, I am here to guide you towards your first sex toy experience. The most comfortable way to enter the world of sex toys is by getting something you can experience on your own. For the lads this might be a masturbator or a cock ring, for the lasses this is typically a dildo or vibrator. What’s great about better solo sessions is that you get to know yourself and your body better. The better you understand what specific spot, motions or intensities feel best, the better your sex life will be! All memes aside you can legitimately claim you own a sex toy “for research purposes.” The other thing you have to consider is how inconspicuous you want your sex toy to be. Are you loud and proud or are you going to wait until the flatmates are definitely asleep or watching Netflix. My Fleshlight sits on my bedroom desk, nobody cares and most people laugh. Just please remember when your flat inspections are, when your parents are visiting, when your flatmates parents are visiting or when the plasterers are coming around to fix the hole in the wall. Some vibrator motors may produce a slight buzzing sound. But it’s nowhere near as loud or noticeable as the dull mattress squeaking coming from your flatmates room (headphones in it is…). You may have to read your flat in this case, are they algood with it? Or might they be weird about it? It’s 2018 for goodness sake! In my experience, sex toys have been the start of many interesting conversations with other students. In fact, I’ve been pulled aside in the middle of a rager to talk vibrator recommendations! Once by a girl who had no idea where to start and again by a guy who knew his GF wanted one. Young people in general are open and excited by the idea of sex toys, it just seems to take a slight linguistic nudge or a few feijoa long whites to open such sex positive discussion. Before beginning your sensual search, it may be worthwhile to acknowledge your desires. Looking for more orgasms or stronger orgasms? Then vibrators and cock rings are your lusty launchpad. Do you enjoy your body being restricted or some light choking? Then beginner’s bondage toys might be a place to start. Or maybe you’ve always wondered how it might feel to satisfy your personal self-fulfilling prophecy, checkout the dildo category! The final thing I’d like to emphasise, is that if you’re using sex toys with someone. It needs to be with someone you trust! Someone you feel completely comfortable communicating with outside and inside the bedroom. Common fears around using sex toys is that it might affect intimacy in the bedroom. If done right this isn’t the case! But it might take a bit of practice to figure out the most beneficial ways you’d like to share it. It’s one of the more pleasurable things you’ll get to practice! And in the words of the local legend himself: “Practice makes perfect” - Dan Carter By Orin Ruaine-Prattley
CANTA’S BEN O’CONNELL SPOKE TO CHRISTCHURCH-BASED SEX WORKER RILEY JUSTIN TO UNCOVER THE REALITIES OF THE ADULT ENTERTAINMENT INDUSTRY. HOW DID YOU GET INTO SEX WORK? I actually sought it out. A friend and I were talking at her place so we decided to do a bit of research and found out about the NZPC (New Zealand Prostitutes Collective) so we went in to talk to them. They’re super amazing and friendly, gave us heaps of advice, and arranged an interview with a parlour in the city. She didn’t end up going through with it but it was great to go with someone. That was almost 5 years ago and I still work there (but I pretend I’m still 21). WHAT DOES YOUR WORK INVOLVE? Sex, obviously!! The parlour I work at offers full service and sensual massage. The full services includes a massage, oral and sex while the sensual is a nude massage and hand relief (think happy ending). But that’s not all it is. A lot of our clients come in for the company and to chat with our friendly ladies. Most of the regulars are old clients of the owner so they come in and have a coffee with her then make a booking. WHAT DO YOU ENJOY ABOUT SEX WORK? WHAT DO YOU DISLIKE? I love the other ladies. They’re such a supportive bunch (plus they taught me a lot about make up) and I’ve loved the travel that I’ve been able to do. There’s a club in
Auckland that I go to whenever I’m up that way which is super fun. It’s a huge ego boost, too! It’s so cool to see women that are in a bit of financial hardship able to get a leg up too, or to just get ahead. I know of a girl who was 20 and she bought a house after working for 6 months. I’ve also been able to get a few friends into the industry and it’s helped them a lot, whether it’s to pay off bills or to be able to afford to eat healthily (which can be difficult for a student, amirite?) I even get a bit of study in between bookings so I’m either learning or making money. It’s what I call “commission only sales” so you don’t get many bookings, you don’t make that much money. It’s swings and roundabouts though so if some day is dead the next week will be super busy so it’s important to know how to budget. The economy of the industry is really interesting too, finding out when is busy and when is slow (think school holidays). If I’m ever asked “what’s a smart girl like you doing in a place like this?” I can just say “earning $100+ an hour.” It almost makes up for the wage gap. It’s also been a hit to my standards. If I’m on a date and it’s shit, I’ll just be thinking “I could be getting paid for this!!” HOW DO YOU STAY SAFE AND HEALTHY? The NZPC are amazing and they offer a free sexual health clinic every week and drop in coffee and chat sessions. They also have a book that they give out with their starter kits that are full of information. Emotional health is also really important when you’re doing this kind of intimate work. I’m also in a few Facebook groups that we can kind of bitch about annoying clients and such. I have lots of supportive friends in and out of the industry and that I can talk about it to them is really awesome and normalises it for me. I’m picky with who I tell but they’re all super supportive. Sometimes you have a shit
client and you just lie back and think of England but it’s no different than when I was waitressing and you’d have
ANY STORIES ABOUT YOUR BEST/FAVORITE
the occasional table of morons but you just gotta smile
CLIENTS, WORST CLIENTS, AND FUNNY
through it.
SITUATIONS?
WHAT DO YOU THINK IS THE BIGGEST
I think one of my best bookings was with a guy who was
MISCONCEPTION ABOUT WORKING IN THE SEX
like an 11/10. All the other girls were too intimidated to go
INDUSTRY?
talk to him so I started chatting and he booked me. The sex was so good - I would’ve paid him! The funniest bit is
People often think that it’s a dark and scary industry. I’m
usually after when you can gossip to the other girls about
well aware that it’s definitely a spectrum and there are
a club regular and things like that. We have a regular who
different levels of privilege when it comes to sex work,
makes a bit of noise when he finishes - but not what you’d
but all in all, I’ve never felt threatened or unsafe at work.
expect. No one told me and I thought he was having a
I’ve felt more nervous on tinder dates than I have at work
heart attack! I always make sure to warn the new girls if
because I know that the boss isn’t far away if anything
he ever books one of them now.
goes wrong. I’ve honestly been more upset by a bad customer in my retail job than I ever have in the sex industry. I can’t speak for every worker, but every one I’ve
Thanks for your time, Riley! Do you have anything you’d
come across in the last 5 years is there by choice and
like to cover?
loving it. If you’re curious and want to hear more of my story you We are lucky in NZ in that there are regulations around
can check out my interview on episode 3 of The A-Slut
things like safe sex and clients can be prosecuted for
Podcast on iTunes. And if you’re interested in the industry
breaching them. It’s helped me be a lot more assertive
and want to see what it’s about, talk to the lovely ladies at
in my own life as well because you do occasionally get a
the NZPC in Waltham and they can help you out.
boundary-pushing client. The other thing is the glamour. I work with so many gorgeous women but we’re all human. Sometimes you’re just waiting for a booking to end so you can put him in the shower and let out the fart you’ve been holding in for the last hour! HOW DO YOU THINK ESCORTING FITS IN WITH FEMINISM OR FEMALE EMPOWERMENT? It absolutely fits. For me as a sole trader it’s so empowering to know that as long as I have a body (and a great smile) I will always have an income. I was a bit surprised when I went for my interview and she just said “wanna start tomorrow?” It’s really cool to know I have this opportunity. I’ve worked with women of all types, sizes and ages so there’s no one sort of worker which is awesome to see.
one side
date six
Despite my previous encounter with Lucky Dip earlier
after all, so I had to make it count. He ordered a bottle of
in the year, I can’t say that I was prepared for what my
wine and no food for the both of us – this date was just
night was about to entail. Untraditionally, the date was
getting better and better. A couple more glasses in and the
held at the Foundry and I knew who the lucky man was
conversation flowed perfectly. He suggested a game of
beforehand – I couldn’t be more grateful. I can’t say
pool with the other half of our so-called double-blind date
entering the Foundry during an early Thursday night was
and having never played before I made sure to down a
anything out of the ordinary, but the lack of company and
few more glasses of wine and beer, following with a shot
alcohol in my system made me feel otherwise.
beforehand.
I didn’t expect anything phenomenal, however, I don’t
As the night unfolded, the alcohol flowed faster than the
really think the Foundry understands the definition of
conversation, and we were left on smiling and giggling
romantic. The double date was quickly separated and
on the couch in the green room. CANTA said he had the
each of us were escorted into our own makeshift dingy
perfect man in mind for me and he wasn’t too far off. Tall,
rooms, set up with a beautifully set table and a couch
confident, easy-going and not too bad looking either. His
for cuddling. As we took a seat, the lights dimmed, and
chat wasn’t bad, he loved his wine and had me laughing
mood music filled the air. Simon was really pulling out all
for half the date – I couldn’t really ask for much better.
the stops and we were nothing short of impressed. As he downed his first glass of wine I could see where this date
The date ended abruptly with each of us being pulled our
was heading, and with a $100 bar tab I definitely wasn’t
separate ways. I was almost left wanting a little more.
Double Date
complaining. I was missing my best friend’s 21st for this
other side
Surprisingly I was relatively nervous pre-date. In fact, with
followed by some shots, and beers and more wine! This
no time to pre-drink or get changed, I had little chance of
was going to be a lot of fun. However, as the convo flowed
making this the best date she’s ever had. I did have good
I realised this a sham, not only had she been on a blind
intentions - Flowers, a fresh spray of cologne and slick
date before, she also knew she was going on a date
hair but instead, she got a flustered mess after a busy
with me! At least I knew she thought I was alright or she
day at uni. But, alas, surely a classy date at the Foundry
wouldn’t have shown up. We decided to ask our fantastic
with a $100 would seal the deal. But who am I kidding, I’m
waiter Simon if we could play some pool against the two
fucked. The Foundry is a shithole and I’m late, this isn’t a
on the other date. After all, there is nothing like seeing
good start. But at least the bloke from the other date was
a girl work some balls into some holes using a stick…
late too and he also didn’t bring flowers, there’s hope yet!
But here was my first deal breaker, my date had never played pool before! WTF? Does she live under a rock?
I showed up, champagne on entry. How cute, attempts to
I do however commend her for trying, and she certainly
make the place ‘classy’ but there’s no hiding the fact that
picked it up fast. The highlight being when she leant over
last time I was here I got kicked out, and fuck, the bloody
and whispered in my air ‘it’ll be your stick later’. Jeepers,
Foundry manager Simon proceeded to tell my date about
maybe the lack of flowers didn’t matter. As the night went
it. This isn’t going well; she knows I’m a pisshead before
on we grew closer and closer… surely this blind date is
I’ve even had the chance to say hello. Simon escorted my
better than her last. But we parted ways, agreeing to meet
date and I to our table again further attempts to make the
up at MONO later. She did have a 21st to get too.
Foundry ‘classy’ and this time with the addition of mood lighting, romantic music and a private table it was almost
Unfortunately, neither of us made it back to the Foundry
achieved. The conversation flowed, she had beautiful
that night. I do have her number, so who knows what the
blue eyes, lovely long curly hair and a very infectious
future holds? Another date? I wouldn’t complain! Thanks,
smile! Tick, tick, tick although I usually go for brunettes,
CANTA for the Blind date and a huge shout out to Simon
and she’s blonde… Surely a few more wines and I won’t
the best waiter and the man that achieved the impossible
mind! And boy oh boy did the wines come, firstly a Sav
- turning the Foundry into a great space for a first date.
et
wine was definitely wine. (the following I say with 70%
told my boss was a “super important meeting” at uni. I
certainty) She had been really prepared and printed out
was maybe slightly overdressed, completely sober, and
The New York Times “36 Questions That Lead to Love”
thinking about spreadsheets when I arrived with my mate
in case we needed convo starters, however, before we
(who also had a blind date at the same time). What I also
got to crack into that, we were informed that we had been
didn’t expect going in was that this would be one of the
challenged to a game of pool by the other date. Many
larger events on my calendar.
drinks, shots, not much food, shots, and some sub-par
The earlier disappointment of finding out that my blind
pool later, we finally got into the 36 questions for a good
date wasn’t actually blind was instantly alleviated away
period of time. She eventually had to head off to a flat
when I first saw her – she was easily a 20/20 (vision joke
meeting, so, unfortunately, we only got through half
ha, but also true). From first impressions, she seemed
way through the list, but I can tell you that some deep
totally cool and the chat flowed well. She was also a
conversation was probably had. After she left I was still
postgrad, had enough mutual mates to find on Facebook
determined to complete the Mono-soundcheck-actual-
without hassle, and had a similar taste in music and
Mono combo (can we call that The Duo?). I honestly
movies. And genuinely was just super easy to get along
cannot tell you what happened in the following few hours
with. We had both been expecting to be sitting at your
other than I endorsed her on LinkedIn and reinvested
stock standard bar leaners, however, The Foundry staff
my life savings back into the bar. Thanks CANTA and
had gone all out and prepped a candlelit table for each
The Foundry for the date, but of course main thanks go
date with a huge divider between the two. They had also
to ******, really pleasantly surprised by the blind date
been cute and kindly rearranged the entire Foundry for us,
experience, hopefully see you at the last Mono this week!
so that we were sitting in where the stage normally goes.
Unfortunately, we only got through half of the 36
After being relieved to find out she wasn’t vegan we
Questions That Lead to Love, and considering the
ordered wedges and a pizza to share. And of course,
success rate of CANTA’s previous blind dates, surely
the wine. There was a high level of trust in her when she
CANTA would consider hosting us on another blind date
did the wine tasting ritual with the server to confirm that
as an investment (we could wear really dark sunglasses
the wine was in fact wine. I could also confirm later the
and still call it a blind date)?
Alrighty…so CANTA blind date, where do I start!?
are you from? What do you study? How does dry cleaning
Needless to say I was a bag of nerves rolling into the
work?! I mean…..what?! Shortly after, we were invited to
Foundry. Attempted the fashionably late game, but still
a friendly game of pool by the blind date sitting next to
managed to get there first. Thankful for the glass of
us. We joined the others in the pool room, ready to bring
bubbles handed to me at arrival on the door. Shortly after
our A game. My date had an interesting pool technique.
my date arrived. First impressions? Tall guy, well dressed,
Apparently the proper way to play pool is to use the
maybe a little over dressed for a boozy blind date at the
que like a golf club? Seems legit. Conversation seemed
Foundry, but you do you. He was rocking one of those
to come to a lull, after my date insisted on continually
sweet, half-grown pedo moustaches that the engineering
defining himself as facetious. Is that a good thing to be
students seem to think is the height of trendy right now.
telling your blind date over and over? But I was prepared,
Looking good friend, don’t worry, everyone knows that a
I had brought along the New York Times 36 questions
moustache = personality right?
that lead to love. What could be more comfortable than
We had a lovely candle lit table set up for us by Simon at
answering a bunch of questions with a complete stranger
the Foundry, the serenity was real, on ya mate! One of
about your deepest fears and darkest secrets, or what
my biggest fears coming into this thing was a total lack
your relationship with your mother is like? I knew they
of good, humorous convo. Alas! Conversation and jokes
would save the day.
other side
went off like a frog in a sock! I would consider myself a bit of an extrovert, so it was awesome to be paired with
In conclusion, I would just like to say I had a wonderful
someone I could talk with, and not at. In true foundry style,
time, and my date was a lovely guy. Cheers for the
we were straight into the drink. A lovely South Island Pino
LinkedIn endorsement for communication. Hope you
Gris, perfectly paired with the infamous Foundry wedges.
managed to get into mono after all that wine.
Our initial conversation revolved around the usual, where
Double Date
d
With a 4pm tee off, I had to leave work early for what I
date seven
e
one side
LET’S TALK KINKS! WHAT ARE YOU INTO? down for ya’ll. “Look, imma break it I’m not into I’m a simple man and year or so a but , cial anything spe being called out try to ted wan ago I a meme between daddy. What started turned out tner me and a sexual par overy and disc self of ent to be a mom i need to ing say not I’m . tion realisa thing any or be called daddy to nut cess. pro the g but it might help alon talk ted my to ing com Thank you for please stop and kink dy dad the about choice of sexual shaming my harmless activity.”
I LIKE “LOL THAT BOYS THEIR KEEP .” S ON K SOC
“prete nding to be a man (imagin ing myself with a dick (only d uring s ex occasio nally, quite comfo rtable w my gende r)”
NLY “CLEA EN V A SH S” RARM E D N U
t eigh of w ling ne e o e f ave e the eIh “I lik ? lik e ts ? k n e bla of m ted into eigh se w ry o e h v t of st a g it ’s ju avin h e s t s u Ju ca p of ling. o e t e f ippy nice ding on t ccor eone ne. A a som fi n ave dam lso h me in sIa d n hh” y frie s ah to m read or d f k kin
G.” FISHIN
“ENJO Y THE O DD HAND ON TH E NEC KNOT LIK E PASSIN G OUT LEVEL OR AN Y THIN G LIKE THAT, B UT A B IT OF PRESSU RE IS G OOD! LOVES A GOO D HAIR P ULL TO O!”
“STAR , WARS PL AY MY LY AL CI PE ES IT” CHEWY SU
nal l ot iona mm otio “E “E andd tio ec tionnan nn ec co nn co la utella N g N in ad re ading utel sp re sp I Ica cann so t so cli t r cli he r on on he eet,t, swee eeth theesw stst ta ta ln ut zelnut t tha haze ee ee sw sw myy he herrm ve ve gi I gi re re I fo fo be be t” l lnu nut” ze ze ha ha
“Slow , metho dical missio nar y sex, 6 pm at night, Coldpla y on in th e backg round .”
IN INGG NNYYTTHH AA ““ VVEESS OOLL V V IN IN TT HHAA TT W OW O L L MYYEEL HHEEM TT . . S S IONN INIO IN M M
“SEX IN RANDOM PLACES”
n), ork and suspensio “Shibari (groundw verbal g, ttin spi ng, ppi sla choking, face ation, impact play and physical degrad canes, floggers, (punching, kicking, ation/submission, paddles, etc), Domin orgasm denial, y, pla needle play, fire pressure ng, biti , asm forced org y x, fearplay, sensor wa , ves kni , nts poi deprivation”
ANY SPECIFIC TURN OFFS?
“STAR
of e full s, ho ar ernail ple w g o e n P fi “ g s, lon e lv e s them ma” smeg
“Fake orgasms, fake loud moaning (please
stop this does not turn me on)”
“BAD KISSERS.”
can’t engage “A girl that properly.” in foreplay
“EN GIN WH E O N ERS EED SH OW A ER. ”
o
one oneside side
bad the waiter waiter away away twice, twice, bad moment moment of of the the date. date. We We sent sent the as him as we we were too busy talking to pick anything. I told him
sitting sittingdown downwith withaastranger strangerwas was aa terrifying terrifying idea. idea. Yet, Yet,
my right my head, head, one including being matched with a super right
dating datinghistory historyconsists consistsmainly mainlyof of friends-gone-lovers friends-gone-lovers so so there thereI Ifound foundmyself, myself,ten tenminutes minutes early early (because (because I’m I’m aa
classy classylady) lady)and andabsolutely absolutelyshitting shitting myself. myself. II prayed prayed to to the thegods godsthat thatI’d I’dknow knowwhat whatquestions questions to to ask ask and and that that
he’d he’dfind findmy mywitch witchcackle cacklecute. cute.The The minutes minutes pass pass as as II
how in how II had been playing out the worst case scenarios in wing respectful wing conservative boy (he said he would be respectful
of stellar of someone’s someone’s beliefs in that situation, obviously a stellar human human being) A couple topics later my stomach is
sounding by sounding like a killer whale and nobody has stopped by
fiddle fiddlewith withmy myphone, phone,and andhe’s he’slate. late. Suddenly, Suddenly, aa beautiful beautiful
our the our table table since. My date asks if I mind if he bothers the
smiling smilingman manpops popsinto intomy myperiphery periphery beside beside me. me. In In aa
waitress? he waitress? I was very confused but realised why when he
little littlebit bitofofawe aweI Iburst burstinto intoanimation animation and and almost almost go go to to
asks away asks her if she can check with the kitchen how far away
shake shakehis hishand, hand,just justto tohear hearhim him ask ask ifif I’m I’m using using all all the the
our won’t our food food is because we had been waiting a while. I won’t
chairs…fuck. chairs…fuck.My Myactual actualdate daterocks rocks up up shortly shortly afterwards; afterwards;
lie, him lie, seeing seeing the colour drain from his face when I told him
obviouslyflustered flusteredabout aboutbeing beinglate late and and just just as as anxious anxious obviously
we hadn’t hadn’t ordered anything was a little bit fun. I am not we not aa
asI Iwas. was.After Aftermutual mutualassurances assurances of of being being chill chill people people we we as
stellar human being. Our conversation skewed into past stellar past
managedto torelax relaxaabit, bit,discovering discovering mutual mutual friends friends (that (that managed
relationships and traumas. Eek. I know. I wasn’t really relationships really
Christchurch-raisedstarter starterpack pack really really hit hit home home with with the the Christchurch-raised
sure ifif it was something that gets brought up on a first sure first
“whatschool schooldid didyou yougo goto?”) to?”)He He orders orders aa drink, drink, II find find my my “what
date, but I’m a very open person so I didn’t mind listening date, listening
mouthsaying saying“I’m “I’mfine finewith withwater” water” as as my my mind mind screams screams mouth
and sharing. sharing. I was pretty shook though when he straight and straight
butititwas wastoo toolate, late,IIhad hadbeen beencaught caught unprepared unprepared and and II but
but he he handled it like a champ with a sullen “I’m used to but to
“whotftfdrinks drinkswater waterwhen whenthe thetab tab isis being being picked picked up??” up??” “who
up asked asked “how is this going?” I hate letting people down, up down,
wasn’tabout aboutto tolook lookwishy wishywashy. washy. Heartbreakingly Heartbreakingly we we wasn’t
it.” Thanks Thanks for letting me eat all your chips and I hope you it.” you
couldonly onlyselect selectfrom fromthe thesmall smallselection selection of of entrees. entrees. II had had could forgottentotoeat eatlunch lunchso sothis thiswas was the the first first and and only only truly truly forgotten
otherside other
find yourself yourself some sweet lovin very soon! find
thinkthe theEditor Editor takes these failed dates I Ithink takes all all these failed dates a bita bit
was pretty neat, and genuine. evenme, agreed (She’s So Heavy)” wasvery a ‘bop’, which We shocked
my one, last one, he immediately demanded I do another. last he immediately demanded I do another. After a
she hadn’t really listened lot ofJude.” their Istuff, anything past “Love Me Do”toora“Hey gottashe admit,
personally.AsAssoon soon heard I had kinda fumbled personally. asas hehe heard I had kinda fumbled my
After a few cancellations duelike to things likeassignment illnesses, few cancellations due to things illnesses, assignment andI lack of sleep, eventually due dates anddue lackdates of sleep, eventually got Iplaced gotthis placed into of this gauntlet of special-editions you into gauntlet special-editions you find yourself find yourself reading Since thethe last time, got reading now. Since the now. last time, I got hang of Ithe the hang of idea the very nihilisticwill idea thatofnothing will very nihilistic that nothing come these blind
come of these date things. Don’t get me wrong, date things. Don’tblind get me wrong, I still planned to have
I still planned to have chat andCoke drunk fun, chat about stuff, andfun, drunk asabout much stuff, Rum and asmuch muchasRum and Coke muchby, asbut theyeah, waiter kept as the waiter kept as passing nothing passing by, but yeah, nothing would happen. That’s would happen. That’s life. life.
As such, through the sheer random luck that the universe
on the Beatles to some – while she admitted because at Uni I’ve never extent met anyone who hasn’t heard saidI that “I aWant Youof(She’s Heavy)” was aout of tho, made fool out myselfSo a couple of times
‘bop’, nervousness, which shocked because I’ve why never sheer likeme, when I askedat theUni waiter our
met anyone who knowofanything pastwe “Love food was taking sodoesn’t long in spite the fact that hadn’t Me Do” ordered. or “Hey I’m Jude.” had tosure really hold myselfhunk actually alsoI pretty I spat a small back unleashing my entire arsenal trivia of chipfrom at one point. Thankfully nobody wasofhit, unlike
which had been sitting patiently at the my it the infamous Sneeze Incident of Issue #9.back She of called
mind from decades of not being needed relevant ‘iconic’, which I later googled and found out in was a popular conversations. phrase with the youth of today. Being a cool and pretty art
student, she must’ve been much more up-to-date with her
Unfortunately, hipster vocab. seeing as how the thing was booked around the middle of the day, she had to take off to
As known such, through sheer luckafter thatliterally the has for, I gotthe paired withrandom a girl who,
one of her lectures. whole wasbooked enjoyable, Unfortunately, seeing The as how the thing thing was
after literally a out minute, I found outother knewthrough my circle and rank. Turns they knew each a of
happening, stillwhole stungthing a little when she said her lectures. itThe was enjoyable, but that evenshe tho
known for, Imy gotcircle paired with a girl who, auniverse minute, I has found out knew of friends by name
friends byUN’s. nameShe andwas rank. Turns out they and knew each few Model pretty, interesting, very
other through a few In so thisthe way, we had a genuine. She was alsoModel an art UN’s. student, boxes fair bit in common; priorWe friends, positions on the arts, were pretty much ticked. even agreed on the Beatles social–anxiety, critical assessments this togeneral some extent while she admitted she hadn’t of really
whole Blind Date nonsense, on that and “IsoWant forth. She listened to a lot of their stuff, shesosaid You
but even I hadoffully committed around thetho middle the day, she hadtotonothing take off to one of looking for anything likehappening, a relationship Iwasn’t had fully committed to nothing it stillright stung a
nowwhen (which I can still,looking ouch).for Best of luck little she saidrespect, that she but wasn’t anything to you, other Blind Date I runbut into like a relationship right nowperson. (which Hopefully I can respect,
you ouch). at some party in the nearother future! still, Best of luck to you, Blind Date person. Hopefully I run into you again sometime!
date eight
totogrips gripswith withwhat whatIIhad haddone. done.Me? Me?AAblind blind date? date? My My
After Afteraaspooky spookyfast fastreply replyto tomy mymessage message II had had to to come come
one side
date nine
I was chopping garlic at my friend’s flat, and with my
I evidently don’t manage to cultivate mystique or mystery.
garlicky fingers I opened the message confirming that
I swear we did manage to cover some more wholesome
I actually had a date that night. In 45 minutes. I made
ground: her love of Ultimate Frisbee, plans to change
a judgment call that my date was unlikely to be a
degrees to something she actually liked (get wrecked,
vampire, and the garlic would be more of a hindrance
engineering) and our adventures in binge-watching. Oh,
than a lifesaver, so much time was devoted to furious
and the fact that she had an assignment due the next
handwashing.
day that had yet to be finished. A brilliant exemplar of the procrastination streak we appeared to share.
You know how to really impress on your date that you’re an organised, fully-functioning adult? Leave your ID in
As the Foundry began to transition into Mono-mode,
your car, after having parked that car stupidly far away,
we decided to skedaddle. But we didn’t get far before
and then sprint back to said car wearing doc martens
coming across a very drunk girl (who had, scandalously,
and a long skirt. In hindsight, I might’ve resembled an
also been on a blind date that she had apparently hated),
escaping Gloriavale member.
someone who had already gotten kicked out of Mono and a fellow gay! And shit, us gays bond very quickly. Before
Being a total buffoon is actually a stellar ice-breaker.
we knew it, my date and I had been talking to the cutie in
When I finally arrived for the second time, right out the
the red dress for 40 min.
gates we were laughing at my expense. To her credit, she was very gracious. I was quite lucky that she was
Long story short, my sweet date walked with me back to
so talkative, open and easy to make laugh – since I was
my car – prolonging her pilgrimage to Eng-core to begin
coming to the end of a long day and my mental faculties
her all-nighter. My thoughts and prayers are with her as I
were waning.
write-up my ode to our date.
I’m a tragic over-sharer on first dates. Didn’t take long until
Maybe I’ll be seeing the girl in the cute dungarees again, if
we were swapping tales of disastrous threesomes. Yeah,
she survived that all-nighter.
CANTA was a bit desperate for another gay gal, so after
to say I don’t think there was any reason for either of us to
about zero persuasion I decided I might as well go on this
break the pinky swear.
other side
blind date. With this decision and the date itself happening in less than 12 hours there wasn’t a lot of time for nerves
As we hit it off rather well (I’m pretty sure she agrees
to kick in. Which doesn’t mean I didn’t nervously change
on that one) we ended up staying well after we finished
my outfit 10+ times before heading to the foundry.
our fries and drinks and into the territory of the early mono-ers. Yet the transition to a live DJ wasn’t enough for
The date went off with only a slight hitch that she
our night to come to an end. We ended up staying a bit
had left her ID in her car as she wasn’t planning on
longer and as we left ran into some fellow gays that hadn’t
drinking. However, this was all water under the bridge as
quite made it into mono. After standing around talking
conversation flowed smoothly once she returned from a
for another half hour, she was a true gentlewoman and
run through the rain to fetch the important bit of plastic.
offered to walk me home. As I was enjoying my night and procrastinating the all nighter I was about to start I happily
With drinks and fries ordered the conversation flowed
agreed.
well, and PG13 tales of our various sexual and drunken endeavours began. Somehow, we went from talking about
Overall, I’d say the date was a success as we managed
how there were way too many couples on tinder looking
to keep the conversation going for nearly 4 hours and
for threesomes to what TV shows we watched, and the
swapped numbers. We ended the night with a hug and
more usual icebreaker topics. Somewhere along the line
a (sarcastic) promise of a love letter via CANTA, so I’m
we jokingly made the ultimate (pinky) promise not to talk
optimistic in terms of a second date happening.
too bad about the other if the night went poorly. I’m happy
Last year Kiwi men made international headlines for being
Foreplay is so important, it not only gets you hot and ready,
the worst lovers in the world… sorry guys:
but it also makes you last longer (stamina, boys).
psa: kiwi men have been rated the ‘worst lovers’ in the
I have a big tongue – in fact it is exceptionally large. I pull
world – MTV Australia
it out as a party trick and touch my nose with it… pretty cool, eh?
Men From New Zealand Are The Worst At Sex In The World – Mandatory.com
It is so large that I had to be in speech therapy for four years because I struggled with pronouncing ‘s’ sounds.
The best and worst LOVERS in the world revealed - but how did Australian men and women measure up? – The
It wasn’t until I reached my sexual prime that I truly valued
Daily Mail
my tongue and discovered both my ability and love for eating ass.
New Zealand men rated worst lovers in the world – Stuff. co.nz
As Aristotle famously said, “real men eat ass.”
SO… with such a poor lens placed upon us, how can be
These words could not be any more true, and I thank
sure to improve our skills in the bedroom?
Aristotle for giving such sound advice.
My number one tip for you is to USE THAT MOUTH (to be
The truth is, there is a secret to eating ass and it involves
read like Ty Pennington asking for a bus to be moved in
the ability to close one’s eyes, get nose deep, and go for it.
Extreme Makeover Home Edition).
LIAM STRETCH
MY TOP 5 TIPS FOR EATING ASS: 1. Consent! – If someone does not want you to go down there, don’t! 2. Intuition – know what they want. Get to know the ass… it is a surprisingly friendly place. It’s a metropolis of nerves down there.
3.Don’t forget the hole! Pop your tongue in deep. 4.Lips help – kiss that pucker. I find reciting the Elton John’s - Your Song helps. 5.Get your hands involved too. Stick a finger in. Don’t forget their front, it is so important to give them a helping hand.
So hopefully you are a little more equipped to have the participant begging for more. Just don’t be afraid - as long as they keep it clean and eat an occasional salad – you should be fine.
oneside side one
I turned up to the shilling club at 11.55 am on Thursday I the turned the shilling club at 11.55 am to onaThursday 11thup ofto October where I was ushered table in the
date dateten ten
the 11thpart of October where I was ushered a table in the lower of the restaurant. It was at thistotable where I
the food turned up which was very nice, she got a bowl the food and turned upthe which was very nice, got a bowl of chips I got pasta special whichshe was very nice. of chips and I got pasta veryeach nice. Upon finishing thethe meal, wespecial decidedwhich to getwas a beer
waited mya date arrive. Around 12 o’clock sheabout walked in andfor took seat.toThere was the usual small talk
and off the dateour by great exchanging stories aboutto our hallsfinished and talking about love and dedication
lower part the restaurant. was at 12 thiso’clock table where I waited forofmy date to arrive.ItAround she walked inwhat and degrees took a seat. Theretaking was the usual we were where wesmall were talk fromabout and what degrees wepoint werethe taking where we were fromand and the like. At this waiter had come around
the like. our At this point the where waiter she had ordered come around and and gotten drink orders a flat white gotten drinkThe orders where she ordered a flat and I had aour water. conversion started to pick up white once we
Upon finishing decided to get a beer each and finished offthe themeal, date we by exchanging stories about our
halls and great love and dedication to Mono. Alltalking in all, itabout was aour very enjoyable date which I think
Mono. Allenjoyed in all, it but wasonce a very enjoyable date which I think we both I left the restaurant I realised
we enjoyed but onceher I left the restaurant thatboth I couldn’t remember name. It was a lotI realised of fun and
that couldn’t remember name. It was a lotgoing of fun wasIworth all the hassle. her I would recommend onand
I started had a water. conversion started up once to findThe common interests suchtoaspick skiing wherewe we
was worth the hassle. I would recommend on these blindall dates for anyone looking for a freegoing feed and
started to findstories common interests skiing where we exchanged about places such we’veasskied. After a while
these some blind gooddates bants.for anyone looking for a free feed and
exchanged stories about places we’ve skied. After a while
some good bants.
CANTA’S ‘PHONED IT IN’ AWARD :( CANTA’S ‘PHONED IT IN’ AWARD :(
other side
I turned up to the shilling club at 11.55 am on Thursday
there’s no time like the present. So we got some beers,
the 11th of October where I was ushered to a table in the
and due to having a general anaesthetic a few days
lower part of the restaurant. It was at this table where
before and not having eaten yet that day, by the end of
I waited for my date to arrive. a I was nervous. But not
the date I was tipsy, bordering on drunk. Things started
other side
for the usual reasons, honestly I was just nervous I’d I was nervous. But not for the usual reasons, honestly pashed n dashed him at mono before. I’d signed up for I was just nervous I’d pashed n dashed him at mono the date when I was 20 minutes out of surgery so while before. I’d signed up for the date when I was 20 minutes I was in an ideal state of mind thanks to the free drugs, I out of surgery so while I was in an ideal state of mind probably wasn’t in the best place to be making decisions, thanks to the free drugs, I probably wasn’t in the best but banter right? The shilling club is an intimating place, place to be making decisions, but banter right? The especially for a first date. It’s pretty damn posh for my shilling club is an intimating place, especially for a first standards, I’m more the type of chick who likes to be date. It’s pretty damn posh for my standards, I’m more taken out for a beer and a blaze rather than being wined the type of chick who likes to be taken out for a beer and and dined (well unless it’s country medium white goon). a blaze rather than being wined and dined (well unless But as I arrived we both managed to find some common it’s country medium white goon). But as I arrived we both ground about how fucking weird the situation was. managed to find some common ground about how fucking
weird the situation was. He was a cool dude, we got on well, yarned about skiing, how shit uni was etc etc, all the usual chat. Now I’m He was a cool dude, we got on well, yarned about skiing, notoriously known for being into my older guys who tend how shit uni was etc etc, all the usual chat. Now I’m to be kind of dicky, so he wasn’t quite my type being first notoriously known for being into my older guys who tend year and a decent lad, but hey always down for free food and chat.
to wind down and so we headed our separate ways. I to be kind of dicky, so he wasn’t quite my type being first had a chem lab straight after so I downed a wee bit more year and a decent lad, but hey always down for free food piss before I headed in and I’ve got to admit, I’ve never and chat. had more fun in a lab. Being steamed and doing titrations is surprisingly a great time, would recommend. Around The conversation moved to our plans for pre-gaming for 12 o’clock she walked in and took a seat. There was mono that evening, and while we were on that topic we the usual small talk about what degrees we were taking realised that we had free booze at our fingertips, and where we were from and the like. At this point the waiter there’s no time like the present. So we got some beers, had come around and gotten our drink orders where she and due to having a general anaesthetic a few days ordered a flat white and I had a water. The conversion before and not having eaten yet that day, by the end of started to pick up once we started to find common the date I was tipsy, bordering on drunk. Things started to interests such as skiing where we exchanged stories wind down and so we headed our separate ways. I had a about places we’ve skied. After a while the food turned chem lab straight after so I downed a wee bit more piss up which was very nice, she got a bowl of chips and I got before I headed in and I’ve got to admit, I’ve never had the pasta special which was very nice. Upon finishing the more fun in a lab. Being steamed and doing titrations is meal, we decided to get a beer each and finished off the surprisingly a great time, would recommend. date by exchanging stories about our halls and talking about our great love and dedication to Mono. All in all, it was a very enjoyable date which I think we both enjoyed but once I left the restaurant I realised that I couldn’t
The conversation moved to our plans for pre-gaming for
remember her name. It was a lot of fun and was worth all
mono that evening, and while we were on that topic we
the hassle. I would recommend going on these blind dates
realised that we had free booze at our fingertips, and
for anyone looking for a free feed and some good bants.
d
o
s
WHAT DOES CONSENT LOOK LIKE TO YOU?
WEEN “COMMUNICATION BET KING AS LLY CA PARTNERS, VO AND E OR BEF AND AFFIRMING NE RYO EVE DURING THAT IS STILL HAPPY AND ING COMFORTABLE. CHECK HER OT IN WITH EAC H AFTERWARDS AS WELL.”
“CO NSC IOU AFFI SLY RMI N G TH AN AT ACTI ON WAN IS TED. ”
“BOTH PEO PLE AGREE ING TO ANY S EXUAL AC TIVIT Y AND STO PPING IF SOMEON WANTS TO E STOP. ALS O GRABBIN G AND G ROPING RANDOM S IS NOT CONSENS UAL, CAN GUYS ESPECIALL Y STOP D OING IT? ” “BEFORE THE FUN BEGINS COVERING WHAT BOTH LIKE AND DON’T LIKE/ WANT TO DO.”
“IT’S ENTH USIAS TIC AND IT’S CONT INUO US!”
WHAT “IT’S BEST TO KNOW E YOU LIKE/DON’T LIK CURS, BEFORE ANYTHING OC L FUL DOESN’T HAVE TO BE E LIK CT 50 SHADES CONTRA OW BUT IT’S GOOD TO KN DARIES EAC H OTHER’S BOUN BEFOREHAND.”
“AN ENTHUSIASTIC WILLINGNESS TO PARTICIPATE IN THE SAME SEXUAL ACTIVITIES AS YOUR PARTNER(S). CAN BE WITHDRAWN AT ANY TIME.”
E BODY “POSITIV E, G LANGUA ND A ACTIONS WORDS.”
, LEAR “A C NT, SISTE CON S’” Y R‘ E SOBE
“ THE RIGH T TO SAY N O EVE N IF YO U SAI D YES B EFOR E.”
CONTACTS: CANTA: canta.editor@gmail.com UCSA: Room 123, James Hight Building, University Dr, Ilam, Christchurch 8041 UCSA Advocacy and Welfare: 03 369 0452/0450 help@ucsa.org.nz. UC Health Centre: Monday to Thursday 8.30am–5pm Friday 9am-5pm
OBC
Exam hours: Monday to Friday 8.30am-5.30pm Saturday 8.30am-5.30pm
Located at the rear of the UCSA carpark beside The Foundry bar. Phone: +64 3 369 4444 Fax: +64 3 348 4384
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