CANTA, Issue #3 - 2019 by UCSA

1 APRIL 2019 R A H I N A ST

T E T A H-I O PAENGA-WHAWHA

ISSUE

Taking A Look Back The events of 15th March have shaken us all to our core. Nothing prepares us for the shock, disbelief, confusion, and outpouring of emotion that comes with experiencing something like this. I think for many of us, it was only last week that we even began to process it all. We were all asking ourselves the questions: Why? How could? What if? I think I speak on behalf of all of us that our hearts were absolutely heartbroken for our Muslim community when the news started to come through. Any act of violence towards anyone is disgusting, but there was something so brutally unfair that you, in your safe place, were so cruelly targeted. Although thankfully no lives of our current UC community were taken, the effects of such a horrific attack have understandably taken huge tolls on our UC Muslim community, in particular. You’ve had to endure pain beyond belief and we all stand with you and lift you up in support. I was crushed to hear of stories of yourselves, and also our wider international student community, feeling scared to leave flats and apartments with some heartbreaking stories of doors even being barricaded in those first initial nights. I can only hope that the outpouring of love and messages of support have gone some small way to restoring your faith in the true goodness of New Zealand. While I know so many of us helped out and chipped in seen and unseen ways, I wanted to thank a specific group of people who came onto campus at short notice the very next day after the attacks. A quick phone around of some of our largest clubs, our Christian clubs, and clubs with Muslim student members brought them together to film a short video condemning the violent acts and expressing support towards the Muslim student community. Some of these clubs then spent the next couple of days planning what a student response would look like. Very quickly with input from the Muslim community, the Student Volunteer Army (SVA) mobilised the UC van fleet to offer transport services for students that needed transport to and from campus, to the airport, city, or to funerals and burials. This service that they ran for a whole week following the attack, was widely used by our student community. SVA also mobilised its student volunteers to be stationed on key street corners around the Ilam suburbs in order to welcome students back to campus on the Monday following the attacks. Incredible! It was incredible seeing between 5000-6000 of us turning out for the Band Together event on 18 March, which I’m told was the largest single on-campus gathering of our community in living memory.

The hundreds and hundreds of flowers and messages left on the Kia Kaha wall has helped shine light into dark times. Many of you also mentioned how crucial this event was in helping to heal our community. Some of our clubs including Ensoc helped out dish out 2000 servings of halal food to staff and students following the event while the many clubs helped construct the Kia Kaha wall. Our other clubs helped out by activating the Living Room space beside the UBS bookshop (with support of PGSA) and holding it as a ‘Band Together’ space for students to simply chill out and catch a break. Championed by FrenchSoc, many of our clubs also got involved in a bake sale on Friday following the attacks to raise money for victims. One of our clubs that we need to offer our immense thanks to is MUSA, UC Muslim Students Association, who have been there providing direct support for our Muslim students every step of the way. Their President Bariz Shar has been an inspirational leader throughout this incredibly hard time. Many of you may have had the opportunity to attend the Hagley Park memorial last Sunday with about 40,000 people turning out. As well as MUSA President Bariz, engineering student Manar Ibrahim also spoke so bravely at the event. For many of us that weren’t directly affected by the attacks, life may begin to return to normal sooner rather than later. It’s also important to try and get back into normal routines of study and lifestyle. In saying that however, it’s also worth bearing in mind that for many in our community that may have lost close friends or family, this whole process may understandably take a much longer time to work through. It is so important that we understand we’re at different stages of making sense of the whole situation. Lastly, if we’ve learnt anything from this whole experience it is that we’re stronger as a community. Our response of support and solidarity doesn’t just end after a couple of weeks, but instead we all know that it’ll need long-term commitments from all of us to help our UC community to be more inclusive and supportive of people that might be different to us. There will be more conversations and chat in upcoming editions of CANTA about what a more inclusive community looks like and how we can change moving forward, but in the meantime hopefully this update on our collective response was helpful. All the best for the upcoming break, recharge, refresh and we’ll check-in again in Term 2. Aroha nui, Sam

Ko Koutou Roimata, Ko Mātou Roimata. Your tears are our tears. The events on the afternoon of March 15th changed this city, and this community, forever. While that afternoon is etched in many of our memories, we must not dwell on the fear or the sadness of that day. But we must celebrate, remember, and cherish the lives that were taken away, that day. Over the years CANTA bas been a home to lots of voices. Voices of many different origins, beliefs and passions - every single one of which is beautiful. Every voice deserves a chance to sing and none should be muffled. Naturally, as humans, we want to somehow justify these actions and find some reasoning for what happened. It makes the sadness and the confusion easier to swallow. But unfortunately there just is no justification for these actions, the inspiration comes from a place of pure hatred. But it is hatred that we can get rid of, as a community, a campus, and a city. We have a mandate. A mandate to liberate ourselves completely from bigotry and hatred. It is our responsibility to call out this hatred and have zero tolerance towards discrimination of any kind. Let this serve as a reminder that our ‘casual kiwi attitude’ was maybe too tolerant. What we shrugged off as being ‘just one person’s opinion’ or merely an ‘out-dated notion’, is something we should have downright rejected, drawn a line, and said ‘No’. This is not the first time this city has had to rally as a community. The earthquakes in 2010 and 2011 brought to the surface our resilience as a community, and again in 2019, it is being challenged. Many have observed how Christchurch comes together as a strong community in its hour of need. This serves as a reminder that we should be as strong a community in the easiest of times too. Let this be the moment that changes our community forever, turning one person’s hatred into a whole city’s eternal love. Peace, love, and happiness. It’s everything we deserve.

PRESIDENT’S

PIECE

Kia ora friends,

EXEC DROP INS If you’re still relatively new to UC, you’re probably wondering what the flash new building being built across from the Foundry is. It’s Haere-roa, your brand new UCSA building on campus and construction’s on track for opening by Semester 2 and Re-O Week. It’s been in the works for over 8 years and it’ll be all yours Term 3.

Keen to catch-up with your elected student executives? Drop by the UCSA offices in the Undercroft between 12-1pm each weekday and have a yarn. It’s a good way to meet up with your elected student reps and ask any questions you may have.

In case you missed it, the Foundry and Bentleys will move in there, (current Foundry’s going to be bowled to make way for a new state of the art Rec Centre), there will be clubs working spaces, an outdoor amphitheatre and MONO will be held in the new Ngaio Marsh Theatre most weeks. Here’s a pic to get you g’d up.

That’s all for now. Take care my friends.

Sam

president@ucsa.org.nz

UCSA: CELEBRATING 125 YEARS! Did you know: In 1971 the UCSA Executive arranged for the installation of contraceptive vending-machines in the Students’ Association building. The University Council at the time opposed this stating contraceptives should only be available at the Student Health Service. Students then held a special meeting to discuss this decision with about 2200 students turning out, with over 90% voting in favour of keeping the machines.

CONTENTS WORST ISSUE EVER 8

NEWS

BROKEN NEWS

BEN APPETIT FOO SAN

SPORT SPOTLIGHT WELLNESS FEST

GETTING TO KNOW U(C)

THE ABSOLUTE WORST OF: FLATMATES

FLAT FAMOUS MAISIE’S MANSION

THE ABSOLUTE WORST OF: DATES

UCPOLS: POLITICS REPORT

ADVENTURES FROM THE SOUTH

LUCKY DIP CONTRIBUTORS JOSHUA BROSNAHAN CONOR JONES LIAM DONNELLY LIAM STRETCH BEN O’CONNELL KELLY PHILLIPS LEWIS HOBAN JAVA KATZUR

NATHAN JAMES SPANKY MOORE ROBERT BROWNLEE ASHER ETHERINGTON FISI CARRASCO-REX SAM GIBSON MEGAN NELIS HENRY FOUBISTER SYVAANA AMAI-HANSEN

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR SRETTEL E H T OT ROTIDE Hi Canta,

I recently attended the demolishing of the Chiefs by the Crusaders. What a game that was! At what point do we as country disown the two teams from the top of the country?

LETTER OF THE WEEK

Anyway, before the game I went for a drink at The Foundry and saw that there was a deal on pints of Monteith’s Original, $7.50 per pint! Now this isn’t amazing value but it’s not a bad deal for a pub so I grabbed one. I was pleasantly surprised to see The Foundry was using reusable plastic cups (Globelets) instead of the disposable plastic cups regularly featuring at Mono last year. However, they have also replaced the pint glasses with these Globelets. Now I’m all for the fact these won’t get smashed, contribute to a circular economy and likely make The Foundry staff’s job easier but I don’t know how you can justify calling these a pint. To quote the manufacturer ‘They have a useful capacity of 385 mL’. NZ does not have a standard pint size but the average pint size is 473 mL with

the official definitions being 568 mL (UK) or 473 mL (US). There is a significant discrepancy between what is served at The Foundry and what most people would expect of a pint and I think The Foundry should be more upfront about what they are serving (there wasn’t even any visible drinks list with prices and drinks sizes) or increase the pint size to reflect what most kiwis would consider a pint. Ps. What happened to the range of food they used to offer?? Cheers,

Concerned beer drinker.

Hey frothy Crusaders supporter

I’m stoked you are on the same page as us around sustainability. Maybe we have got it wrong this time. We will review the situation in some more detail for you and see what we can do. Tom – UCSA Food & Beverage Manager

< 200 WORDS | LETTERS ARE PRINTED AS SUBMITTED | LETTER OF THE WEEK: $50 UCSA VOUCHER

DEAD CLUB REVIVAL?

LIAM DREAMS

QUEEN TAMMY

Dear Josh

Hey CANTA

Dear CANTA

I’m a semi-mature student that has returned to UC after a brief stint back during the earthquakes. I love how accepting UC has been of this old chunk of coal, but I’m unhappy to see the loss of my two favourite clubs, SEAL CLUB and COCK SOC. The regular Vintage-Pornography and KFC nights held by SEAL CLUB were a staple of the social calendar. There was no better way to relieve the stress of study than to sip on some fruity cocktails and play a few rounds of strip poker with the lads in COCK SOC; you know, guy stuff. What happened to these great institutions? Has the world moved on without me? Is this just another case of PC-gone-mad?

Just woke up from a nap with a wicked dream - new CANTA magazine segment called ‘Cantalope’. Get some lucky couple, send them off to some other part of NZ/Canterbury, they get married (ELOPED).

I just read today that Briscoes has made yet another record profit? How? I’m not an economics whiz or anything, but I don’t understand how that is possible. Literally when is Briscoes not having a sale? Every time I turn on the TV I have fucking Tammy on my screen, screaming at me about how 30% off dinnerware is somehow equivalent to the second coming of Jesus. Who shops at Briscoes? Surely 30 years of constant sales has rendered them penniless. Like when was the last time you heard someone say “let’s go on an adventure to Briscoes”? Never, that’s when. Can someone investigate this please? If not CANTA at least get some real journalists to investigate, it must be a front for something. Drugs? Sex trafficking? You need to find out.

Double page, centre mag spread, ergo cantalope. Nice. Get Liam Dolleny to be the officiant. Bonus points if they meet at lucky dip. Thx, Tamarillo

Sincerely yours Robert

Dear Tamarillo

Dearest Robert,

Okay alright, you got me with that play on words. Well played Tamarillo, well played.

Please don’t ever refer to me by name ever again. I’m like Batman. People cannot know who I am. Kidding. No one cares. I can tell you why SEAL CLUB failed. Who can afford KFC on the reg? It’s the gold standard of fast food. Also watching porn together is so weird and ‘80s. We don’t do that. Do we? As for COCK SOC – I just…. No. I can’t start. If I start I just won’t stop.

However, 2 issues have been raised. That sounds bloody expensive. This magazine has a monthly budget of $4.50. It’s spelt ‘Liam Dolanny’. Thanks Josh Brassnihan

CANTA

Cheers, Penniless

Hello Penniless Person I too don’t know anything about economics. But it’s fairly obvious why Briscoes has made yet another profit. It’s because of TAMMY, BI-ATCH. Tammy the Briscoes lady is a goddamn New Zealand icon, she is our goddess. How dare you blaspheme her; you do that again and I’ll rip you a new one. You know what feels really nice? Getting bed linen at 40%-60% off the original price! Briscoes makes a profit because before you’ve even purchased anything, you get a mild orgasm just seeing all the bargains to be had. How dare you. Tammy’s Lover.

The Engineering Rice Bowl Our mouth-watering signature dish. Choose from home-marinated crispy chicken, slow cooked beef, brown braised pork belly or seasoned tofu. Vegan option available. Available 11.30am - 2.30pm Mon - Fri at Nuts and Bolts Cafe in the Engineering Core Building

NEWS SWEN A Word from the Prime Minister (This message from Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern was written prior to the events on March 15th)

Kia Ora University of Canterbury! I hope the year has started off smoothly! If you’re returning for another year, I hope summer, summer work, or summer school was kind to you. And for those of you starting uni for the first time, I hope you literally have the time of your life. Whatever point you are at in your university career, please take a moment at the start of the academic year to reflect on what it means to be here, and to feel proud. You may be far away from home, and looking for a place to live. You may be coming back to study later in life. You may be struggling to find textbooks, or sign up to tutorials. Regardless, your decision to invest in yourself is incredibly important. I remember many years ago angsting over the seemingly simple decision to study. I worried about whether I was good enough for tertiary education. I wasn’t sure where to study, or what to study. In the end, I made the 25km journey from Morrinsville to Waikato University. At the time, that 25kms felt like a big distance. But taking that decision ultimately put me on a pathway I’ve never looked back on. I know many of you care as much as I do about those same issues. So here’s a quick update on what we have planned this year – and how those plans will help you during your study and beyond. I’ve said that climate change is my generation’s nuclear free moment. I’m always inspired to see students making their voices heard on this all-important challenge.

the minimum wage to $17.70 from 1 April, to help you make your part-time jobs pay. Many of you will also be having your first year fees free, and I’m really happy we’re helping to make your student debt a little more manageable. Housing is another area that really affects students. Student flats have long had a reputation for being cold and damp. That low quality housing has a huge, negative impact on students’ health and wellbeing. That isn’t good enough. We fundamentally believe that everyone has a right to a warm, dry home. That’s why we’ve made changes to require landlords to ensure all rentals are warm and dry. We’ve also banned unfair letting fees, and we’re updating outdated tenancy laws to make sure renters are getting a fair deal. I hope you see the benefit of these changes in the homes you rent this year. Another important issue that students care about is mental wellbeing. This year’s government budget has made the mental health of under 25s a priority and reflects our determination to improve the mental wellbeing of all our young people by providing better access to services and support. I hope you use these opportunities to advance the issues that you care about most. Studying can be stressful, so remember to look after yourself and be kind to each other. I’d love to hear your thoughts and suggestions about our plans for this year. You can email me at jacinda.ardern@parliament.govt.nz, or drop me a message on Facebook or Instagram. Till then good luck for 2019!

We’ve been doing a lot of work on environmental issues since coming into office. I’m proud that we’ve ended new offshore oil and gas exploration permits, banned microbeads, phased out single use plastic bags, and started the Green Investment Fund. There’s more to do, and we’re working hard towards having a net-zero carbon emissions economy by 2050. We know it can be a struggle to cover your living costs while studying. That’s why we’ve boosted student allowance and student loan living cost support by $50 a week. We’re also lifting

- -

Nga mareikura - Three leaders (left to right): University of Canterbury Vice-Chancellor Professor Cheryl de la Rey, New Zealand Prime Minister Rt Hon Jacinda Ardern, and UC Chancellor Sue McCormack.

Women lead UC into the future

For the first time in its nearly 150-year history, UC is led by two women – lawyer and UC alumna Sue McCormack as its new Chancellor, and former Vice-Chancellor of South Africa’s largest research university Professor Cheryl de la Rey as UC’s new Vice-Chancellor.

UC leadership Among the five colleges that make up the University of Canterbury, four of the five Pro-Vice-Chancellors are women, including the heads of Business and Law (Professor Sonia Mazey); Education, Health and Human Development (Professor Letitia Fickel); Engineering (Professor Jan Evans-Freeman); and Science (Professor Wendy Lawson), with UC’s College of Arts led by a male Pro-Vice-Chancellor (Professor Jonathan Le Cocq). In the 14-member UC senior management team, eight positions are currently held by women, including two executive directors and an Assistant Vice-Chancellor.

Professor Cheryl de la Rey Professor De la Rey served as Vice-Chancellor and Principal of the University of Pretoria, South Africa’s largest research university, from November 2009. After working her way up the academic ranks within South Africa’s university sector, she took up her first executive position at a relatively young age when she became Executive Director at the National Research Foundation. Thereafter she was appointed as Deputy Vice-Chancellor at the University of Cape Town. Prior to her current position, she was the CEO of the Council on Higher Education. She has 18 years’ experience as an executive in higher education in South Africa. She has a reputation for visionary, strategic thinking accompanied by strong management ability. Professor De la Rey is an accomplished public speaker, has a strong record of managing stakeholder relations successfully and she has a considerable international reputation. She has served on a number of national and international committees and boards. She has served as vice-chairperson of the Council of the Association of Commonwealth Universities

(ACU) and she was the founding co-chairperson of the Australia-Africa Universities Network (AAUN) and the South Africa-Japan Universities Forum. She was a member of the executive board of the International Council for Science (ICSU), the University Social Responsibility Network (USRN) and vice-chairperson of the Talloires Network, an international association of institutions committed to strengthening the civic roles and social responsibilities of higher education. She has published books and several journal articles in her discipline, Psychology. Professor De la Rey is registered as a psychologist by the Health Professions Council of South Africa, is a fellow of the Psychological Association of South Africa, a fellow of the Royal Society of South Africa and of the Academy of Science of South Africa.

Chancellor Sue McCormack The UC Chancellor since 1 January 2019, Sue McCormack was UC’s Pro-Chancellor from 2013 to 2018 and a member of the UC Council since 2009. She chaired the Vice-Chancellor Employment Committee and led the search and appointment process for UC’s new Vice-Chancellor, Professor Cheryl de la Rey, who took up the role on 1 February 2019. Ms McCormack also serves on the UC Council’s Audit and Risk Committee, Finance, Planning and Resources Committee, Honours and Appointments Committee, and is one of three members of the Executive Committee. A UC alumna, Ms McCormack is a partner at Mortlock McCormack Law. In her professional practice Ms McCormack specialises in corporate and commercial law and, following the 2010-11 earthquakes, has had a leading strategic role in the CBD development The Terrace. She is a Chartered Member of the Institute of Directors and is a Director of KiwiRail. She has previously been a Director of the Lyttelton Port Company, the New Zealand Symphony Orchestra, and the Public Trust.

CANTA’S

BROKEN NEWS

Wearing Leavers Gear Linked to Prevention in Physical Development Wearing high school leavers apparel has been directly linked to a prevention in physical development, a new study has shown. In a partnered study by scientists from all of New Zealand’s universities, researchers aimed to find the affects of leavers apparel, a popular craze among the student population that has become increasingly popular in recent years. As a result, scientists discovered a direct correlation between

Homeowner Surprised that Door Knock Doesn’t Shut Down Party 10

wearing leavers apparel and a stump in normal physical growth. “It appears that the reminiscent effects of over-warn leavers apparel has a direct affect on the human body and it’s ability to naturally develop,” said a research spokesperson. Students were alarmed by the research, arguing that expressing what high school they went to is essential to effective study.

One Ilam resident has been left dumbfounded after their door knock failed to prevent a party from continuing. The resident asked attendees of a near-by party to turn the volume down after it was causing the man disruption, a request he claims was not followed.

“I politely knocked on the door and asked them to turn it down,” he said The party reportedly went on for many more hours. “It’s not like students have been partying at this time of year for the last 60 years or something”.

Homosexual Students Disappointed by Hot Students Attending Bible Studies Many of the university’s gay students have been disappointed by bible studies classes snapping up all the “good ones”. “I was doing my usual scan and saw this absolute 10/10 cutie sitting down at one of the tables, next minute their opening a bible. It crushed my hopes.” LBGTQ+ advocates on campus have been pushing for recruitment of uglier students by religious clubs.

CUBA Disaffiliate as Club to Become Clothing Brand University of Canterbury club, CUBA, has disaffiliated its status as a club with the UCSA in order to focus on other business ventures. After the success of 2018’s CUBA apparel, the club’s executive made the decision to launch CUBA as a clothing brand.

Fresher Overly Confident With Lecture Banter on Week Four During just his third week into his first year at university, one fresher has found himself being a bit of a comedian. The first-year student, who has already established a firm posse, was caught making satirical observations about their course despite only being into the forth week of material.

“Instead of doing the thing CUBA is meant to do, students were just interested in our clothing,” said CUBA’s President Reaction to the news was quiet around campus. “Wait, they were a club? Oh I just thought I was buying a t-shirt to look cool,” said every student.

WE’RE FAKE NEWS

The posse, who walk in a parallel line in order to take up the whole foot path, reportedly already have an inside joke amongst themselves also. The fresher was officially certified as cool and now walks in bare feet around campus.

CLUB PROMOTER PROFILING THE BEST CLUBS AND CLUB EVENTS ON CAMPUS

UC Spanish Club ¡Ay caramba! Now who didn’t hear these words in a Bart Simpson’s voice, sure you did, we all watched too much TV back in the day!

B UL C Spanish is huge, trust me, it’s not only spicy and hot it is also the second most spoken language in the world! Spanish is catchy, flirty, emotional and …weird it uses a lot of body language and you will find that if you travel to native speaking countries.

Si señor, we have parties and yes with Pitbull perhaps and a bit of corn chips on the side, but most importantly the Club is dedicated solely to the love of the Spanish language and the Hispanic culture and heritage. But we offer more relaxed events such as language meetups, where you can practice the language in the comfort of likeminded individuals in uni.

RETOMORP

You DO NOT need to know any Spanish, nor be enrolled in any Spanish classes, your only requirement is to be interested to know a bit more.

Facebook: UC Spanish Club for the latest update Email: ucspanclub@gmail.com

Toastmasters International is the world leader in communication with more than 357,000 members in 143 countries. U-Can-Speak Toastmasters is the only Toastmasters branch at the University of Canterbury. Our members conquer their nervousness and improve their public speaking skills through our regular meeting every Monday. Your membership with U-Can-Speak Toastmasters connects your career to the professional body of Toastmasters International and takes your learning beyond textbooks. Every Toastmasters journey begins with their first speech, I urge you to start your journey with U-Can-Speak Toastmasters, and through our community of learners find your own pathway to leadership. I

If you are interested to take the next step, like us on facebook @ U-CAN-SPEAK Toastmasters or email us at

The Japanese Society (J-soc) provides a place for anyone to come and practice or learn Japanese. Or that’s how we started off anyway. Over the years J-soc has grown immensely, and what began as casual language exchanges, has evolved into weekly hangouts where anyone and everyone is welcome. Every week we have an event. At J-soc we cater for anyone whether you know the language and/or culture or not. And we have many people who are more than willing to teach you if you’re willing to learn! We have also established relationships with both CCEL and UCIC and now have a large international community within the club. So come along to one of our events sometime! We would love to have you. And give us a like on Facebook too to keep you in the loop.

Here at Brewsoc we love all things grog, whether it be brewing up a mouthwatering batch of beer/cider or getting together with some fun-loving individuals for some chat and a bevy.

jsocuc@gmail.com

Facebook: BrewSoc

https://www.facebook.com/UCJsoc/

Instagram: brewsoc_uc

We have a jam packed first semester filled with top draw events. Our FREE barbeque is exclusive to Brewsoc members and is set to be a cracker. If you’re a home brewer or looking to get in to home brewing, come take advantage of our brewtorials and case swaps to keep your alcohol prices down! If this sounds like a bit of you please do not hesitate to get in touch with our friendly exec, you can do this by liking, and messaging our Facebook page or Following our Instagram.

univcantab@toastmasters.org.nz

UCUC welcomes you with wide arms and full hands! We’ve got backpacks of muddy boots, old scratched frisbees, crisp clean frisbees, cones, scrumpy-hands, and roadies with boot loads of keg. That’s right, we’re in it to win it, on the fields and on the beer pong tables. 2019 is going to be a full on year, so grip your frisbees tightly as we fling into action with Tuesday trainings for all levels of experience. We have something for everyone, so if you wanna keep fit, get wasted or even both… you should definitely sign you and a friend up to this groovy sports club. We have a No Excuses policy because our membership fee is an extremely affordable $0!

Find us on Facebook by searching UCUC. Email: unifrisbee@gmail.com

The University of Canterbury Debating Society is the oldest and most illustrious of all the clubs at UC. Debating is an engaging game involving thinking on your feet and forming arguments on a wide range of issues while tactically dismantling your opponents. The DebSoc experience is comprised of spinning yarns, competing at tournaments, and a never-ending stream of BYOs. The club contains a wide range of skill levels, making it friendly to both beginners and veterans looking to improve their craft and have a good time. With 2019 boasting a great set of debating and social events, now is the perfect time to put all the shit you talk to good use and join!

Email: ucdebatingsociety@gmail.com Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/ cantydebsoc

BEN APPETIT BY: BEN O’CONNELL

SAN

N E B TITEPPA

Preface: The author of the column you are about to read got progressively drunker as he wrote it. Prepare for hot takes, bold calls, and controversial quips. Names are mentioned and things best left unsaid are said. Sentences are short and the concept of paragraphs is seemingly forgotten. The column flows like constipation. Reader discretion is advised.

FOO

Welcome to Ben Appetit. It’s Thursday night at 8:28pm and this is the first MONO night of the year. And so, in the spirit of half assed student vibes, I present a column I wrote in Foo San at a BYO. (I refuse to edit out all the messiness because authenticity and laziness. Mind you, this is probably a story every student that’s attended a Foo San BYO can relate to.)

N E B TITEPPA The small duck with plum sauce small cost $16, the small Bami Goreng was $12, a small rice bowl was $2, and corkage was $3.

Josh Martel is timing me because I just sank a whole cider in the bathroom. Saw my friend Tamika. The wonders of Foo San. A student driven community.

BYOs are the heart of UC predrinking culture. Sarah just started Save the Queen. There’s a looming “we gonna have a good night but it’s gonna be a cheap one” air about. I ain’t mad. The duck is so good. Sweet yet flavourful and so crunchy. Good amount of oil. Enjoy how these notes are getting progressively drunker. More people just arrived. I am clearly tipsy. Sarah and Martel just finished their timing of when my alcohol would hit. “9.08,” screamed Martel. The venue is so loud because there are so many people.

I haven’t had much of my noodles but it’s alright. The duck is legit some of the best Chinese I’ve ever had, and I’ve been to China. I feel rude typing these notes right now at the lazy Susan table but this is the sacrifice I make for this column. I’ve had nearly all of the duck but none of the noodles and I’m at peace with that. Fuck those noodles are spicy for my white palate!!! Imma stick to my duck. I’d normally eat all the food but I ain’t paying, the UCSA are xoxo. (Side note: reading this column back, this is easily the most regrettable line. I said what I said though. Regret is a wasted emotion.)

Per pal Tom, the owners of Foo San own a “very tight ship”. And so, because only two thirds of our trip’s group have arrived, I expect them to be pissed. Surely not

I’m gonna give it a drunk 7/10. The vibe is great but I feel a bit pressured to spend money / have a good time. I want to do that on my own. But oh my god the food is good. Wish me good luck for MONO tonight team.

as pissed as I currently am, but pissed nonetheless. One whole Scrumpy and I thought I’d be drunker. It’ll surely hit me later.

“Josh Appetit gives [basi goreng] a 1 chilli out of 5,” Martel evidently not as much of a spice enemy as myself. “3/5 stars,” he continued. Maybe he should take up the column instead of me.

Harrigan’s thoughts: he feels too drunk to be here, which is one of the appeals. Then he got distracted and talked to the person next to him about his probably meaningful necklace. Okay I feel like I’ve written enough. Foo San is so cool. The atmosphere is great. Food is bomb. Wish I had the squid though not gonna lie.

7/10 BENS.

SPORT

SPOTLIGHT BY : ROBERT BROWNLEE

What a day to remember. The first annual Hall Sports and Wellness Festival for the first year students went off on Sunday at the start of the month. Activations were set up from the University of Canterbury Amateur Sport Society (UCASS), University of Canterbury Ultimate Club (UCUC) and music by PulzarFM. As well as activationâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s from USCA including Giant Jenga, bean bags, and their V BBQ trailer provided a classic sausage in white bread combo. The Sun was out to grace us all with its presence, and shine brightly it did. Students from R&R, College House, Bishop Julius, UniHall, Unilife, and CLV affiliated halls came crawling onto Ilam Fields.

R&R as usual came down in force chanting their Stephen Kissick songs aloud! Filling the green grass with their red hall shirts and capturing a strong foot hold on the event with their sheer number of students at the festival. However, the other halls decked out in their orange, green, blue, yellow, and white sparkled through the sea of red to compete strongly for their respected halls and territory at the event. The first event of the day was the cross country. Tensions were high on the start line with who would be at the front of the pack. Time ticked on but the race had a delay. The starter had gone for a walkabout and got lost! After a few calls on the loud speaker the starter comes running over, half doing the cross country himself, and in a quick burst of “On your marks… BANG”! The runners set off for their 2.8km cross country run around Ilam fields. Both the males and females ran fast, but one competitor saw their opportunity with a lime scooter. Unlocking the vehicle and re-joining the race, they drove it all the way to the finish line. But with a great sense of sportsmanship they jumped off the scooter and disqualified themselves from the event to close off the cross county. (Surprisingly even with the scooter they didn’t get in the top 10). Moving on to the Athletics. This saw 6 events being held around the track, 100m, 4x 100m relay, 800m, gumboot throw, long jump, and tug of war. The track events were the hot topic between the halls but it did seem like a two horse race between R&R and College house. R&R took out the female 100m, female and male 4x 100m relay, female 800m, and the female long

jump. With College House taking out the male 100m, male 800m, male and female gumboot throw, and the male long jump. The Tug of War saw the inclusion of a staff team to disrupt the dominance of the two halls for athletics. But, with College House’s superior technique and team work, their residents overcame the power house team of UCSA and UC Rec & Sport Staff in a true David verse Goliath battle. With one last shot at getting points for the leader board it came down to Sport Canterbury’s Top Team/ Hall Challenge. This event required physical and mental strength, along with participation from halls to get the most points! This final section was the cherry on top of the cake! It involved 12 challenges with 12 teams battling it out in puzzles and water challenges to be crowned the top team/hall challenge champions! Bodies clashed, water spilt, arguments were had, but the share quantity of students from R&R held off the push from College house to take the crown of Top Team/hall champion. Wrapping up the day everyone grabbed some equipment and helped pack down the event with the staff. The students showed great enthusiasm and a quote from one participant on the day who didn’t want to be named said “that was awesome”! The overall scores from the event had R&R win the cross country, College House with the surprise burst to take out the Athletics, and then R&R closed it out with a win in the Sport Canterbury’s Top Team/hall challenge.

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Getting to know U(C) BY KELLY PHILLIPS

RAMI ELSAYED Rami Elsayed is currently a PhD candidate in chemistry. His thesis focuses on uses for ionic liquids which according to him are “compounds with many applications.” He came to the UC after earning his master’s degree at King Fahd University in Saudi Arabia. His wife and child are currently living in the Sudan although he hopes to have them join him while he completes his studies. El Sayed chose New Zealand because he wanted to explore other places and have exchanges with other cultures. He said he enjoys New Zealand because it is quiet and peaceful. When I asked him to describe his doctoral work he did, and I quickly realized how badly I had slacked off in high school chemistry class and how little discussion there is about atomic behaviour in the legal field. Here are the three steps Rami will perform in order to answer his PhD question: Synthesise a new type of ionic liquid and confirm there are no impurities in the formula.

Describe its specific applications and best use (as a catalyst, electrolyte or lubricant). For me, learning about synthesising ionic liquids in the lab took the wonder right out of baking cupcakes and bread making. In addition to his research, El Sayed enjoys photography. A look over some of his images shows that he is extremely talented at capturing the beauty and emotion of his subjects. When El Sayed has completed this process and created better living through chemistry, he will then be known to us mere mortals as Dr. Sayed. He hopes to stay on in New Zealand and make it his home. If we’re lucky, we’ll get to claim this genius as one of our own!

Check out Rami’s photography at facebook.com/ramony13 @rami_baha

Characterise its chemical and physical properties.

THE ABSOLUTE WORST OF... BY LIAM DONNELLY

In this issue of CANTA we’re celebrating the worst. The worst of people, the worst of living, the worst of socialising, and the worst of romance. Why you ask? Well because generally bad stories are funny stories. It’s our job here at CANTA to make you feel better about yourself, and if we can do that by telling other people’s terrible stories… then great.

FLATMATES

So where better to start with terrible stories than people’s homes. Usually our homes are our safe spaces. The place we go to relax after a long day. Thankfully many of us students live in rental properties with a bunch of friends or acquaintances, the perfect recipe for a disaster. Like the time I came home blind-drunk on a weekday night. I’m a very impressionable drunk and will just about do anything someone dares me to. One flatmate dared me to pee on the bedroom door of a fellow flatmate. Me being the stupid drunk I am thought that would be funny. So I did.

See, we can all have the potential to be terrible flatmates: “Guy who used to bring a bucket of water with him into the shared bathroom to wash himself after pooping. Custom in other country, yes. Totally gross here, correct. If he’d have cleaned the water up, different story. He did not...thought the toilet was leaking at first...it was not.”

“After a MONO last year when I had friends visiting from England, the four of us woke up and someone had pissed and shat in my washing basket.” “Last year I flatted with a dude who we will nick name Mr. Minute. Soley for the fact that whenever he had a lady friend over he would always win the race and ahh.. come first?”

“Someone took a shit on the floor of my bedroom. Never found out who did it.”

“One flatmate left used sanitary pads around her room for the entirety of her cycle & would put them all in the bin at once afterwards. Left that flat asap.”

“Once we found some shit splashes on our flat’s toilet floor. The shit was on the floor the entire week, because the cleaners only clean our flat once every fortnight, plus no one wanted to clean it. So we had to stare at it the entire week every time we used the bathroom, before it got removed. PS: We never found out who did it and whoever took that shit clearly never made it to the toilet bowl.” “So a girl in my flat. (hardly ever drank) got blackout drunk off six cruisers drinking on her own in her room watching tv. Had a mental breakdown screaming, passed out and vomited everywhere, started crying again so bad we had to find a friend to calm her down all at 3am.”

“Had a flat mate who would call me at odd hours in the night and play porno sounds on the phone. Didn’t know who it was the entire year.”

“Old flatmate I had stole all of my personal information to sign up to random things. she had the flat account. everything was in my name and when she moved out I was slapped with a $300 bill” “I lived with a flatmate who would have loud sex, I’m talking scream the house down. That was fun to share a wall with.”

“My flatmate was a nudist, he literally came into the lounge on my first day in the flat in his birthday suit and acted as if nothing was up....lol let’s just say I never looked at him the same.” “I lived with someone with a peanut allergy and someone who left peanut butter knives out.”

PARTIES

Okay so this is inevitable. Everyone has been to a bad party. They are the perfect social climate for everything to go absolutely wrong.

a good one. I hosted a good party once, it was my 21st. I passed out twice. But the number of bad parties experienced, well there’s plenty of those.

Drunk people, generally hoardes of them, packed into a tiny space, all trying to impress and flirt with each other. Hmmm, yes please.

Like the time my flat was hosting a party and people were coming in drips and drabs. Nobody was patient enough to wait for others to arrive, so we only ever had 10-15 people in the house at a time and repeatedly had to answer “why the fuck is no one here?”. At the same time however,

In fact statistically, there’s a better chance you’re going to host a terrible party, than

one guest obviously read the situation very poorly, because they must’ve thought “hey, now’s a perfect time to do some nangs”. It wasn’t. The guest took too many nangs and had some random spasm attack and an ambulance was called. A party with zero people and an ambulance is not a good look. And don’t panic, just embrace the fact you will have a cringey, embarrassing episode in public. Much like these people: “I once, by my own drunken misjudgement, managed to bring the entire mood down by bringing up my bad past relationship. Everyone got upset and sort of shut down. No amount of sexual innuendos or attempts at handstands could mend their poor wee broken hearts. Everyone went to bed sad and drunk, and I never got invited back to that particular flat again.” “Forcefully thrown into a pool with my car keys phone and wallet in my pocket.” “So I was just dancing and having a good time. (Take in mind I was 100% white girl wasted). A guy I had a thing for came up to me, full on John Key pony tailed my hair and then shoved his tongue down my throat. I think he was really drunk as well because that boy did not know how to kiss. It was a struggle to not choke on his tongue. 10/10 would not do again.”

“Ok so someone I knew threw this massive party the night before Electric Ave, they went hard and started putting beer bottles up their bums. Next morning it was so loud we were slapped with noise control at 10am.”

“Okay so this isn’t a party but it involves drinking but I’m pretty sure this was before Mono or something. My mate and I were getting ready for a night of drinking and decided to go to Dominos for a feed. It was around 7-8 and we had ordered our food and were waiting inside the Waimari road store. There were probably around six other individuals there, two of whom were these two obviously drunk freshers with empty bottles of Nitro with them. All of a sudden one of the girls projectile vomits in the middle of the store, there’s an awkward pause, then her friend grabs her arm and drags her out as she mumbles some sort of explanation. Pretty sure she vomited outside the store too. Everyone just looked at each other in shock. Safe to say we didn’t feel like our Dominos after looking upon the minced remains of what looked like several free snags and an entire bottle of Nitro blended together.” “One time I got dumped on the way home from Mono”.

“Butt chugging”. “Okay so technically its walking home from a party, not actually at a party. But boy, do I have a good yarn for you. So first year third week, I was walking back across Ilam fields at 2am to the hall. Pissed off my face, I drunkenly decide to go for a piss in the bushes off the path. I’m doing my business, when some big guy comes up behind me, and yells “This is Sparta” and kicks me into a ditch. I pick myself up wet and covered in mud looking like I’ve Shit myself and sneak back to my hall hoping not to be seen.”

The beautiful nature of student life is that it’s basically an unmitigated disaster. We’re a bunch of people who have a lot of freedom and personal-responsibility but a questionable grasp on the realities of life. So, what lessons should be learnt from these stories? Just remember to tell all your worst stories. We can grow as a community if we all know that together we’re a bunch of embarrassing losers.

This issue’s F LAT FAMOUS has scored drinks, food, and a VIP bo o th at Baretta! Want your fla t featured in CANTA? Email canta.e ditor@gmail.c om

FLAT FAMOUS

MAISIE’S MANSION

Here’s the story of our castle.. Moving out of home at this age seems like a rite of passage, But leaving Teddy all alone didn’t seem fair to us cheeky lasses We all know a man’s home is his castle,  And I know what you’re thinking, you cheeky rascal. We only live at home to save money, And there’s where you’re right honey, The value for no money is absolutely second to none Maisie keeps us all in line, Checking in from time to time; She’s not so good at dabbing, so You’ll find her in the library, tutoring or excelling at something. Most people would call Ana the black sheep of the family She just got out of jail for armed robbery, But not her uncle Stu and Aunty Lele; For they believed she didn’t mean to commit a life of felony Now she’s sorry. Here’s father Uncle Stu He’s a real thinker this flatty; There’s only two places he’ll do his thinking; The poolroom or out back looking up at the powerlines

This is where his ingenuity really shines! Mumma Lele should be a professional chef  But wearing her yoga pants is what she does best -  It’s tough but rewarding being a Merivale mum. We love it when she feeds our tum tums Then there’s Abby, She’s a real modern-day woman who wanted a career; Told Sam she wanted to be a teacher and is refusing to dye her hair a bit more bleacher, Sam is Abby’s lover and he lives here too; That’s fine when he remembers to flush after using the loo... He’s an ideas man Jonty, And there’s not much more to say; He gets half price on almost anything, Any time of the day  And coming home from a long day of study To a home cooked meal, warm fire and bills paid; Really is the icing sugar on top Our names are Maisie and Ana, And that was our story.

PHOTOS BY: JAVA KATZUR

A FEW

NOTES

TURN

ON,

BENNY SINGS – City Melody A wee while back I was sent a scathing fan letter, so far my only fan letter, calling me out over my oversimplification of the modern hip hop miasma – and was also accused of being nothing more than a nonce who gets his kicks from his autogenerated Spotify playlists. While this is not true, so if you’re reading this dude who sent that, toss off, you absolute bellend, I do have to give some partial credit to modern-day suggestion algorithms. While they mostly seem intent on showing you the latest zany late-night talk show clips, the YouTube suggested videos bit has quite honestly prompted some gems that would’ve otherwise gone unnoticed in this chaotic hurlyburly of social media and pop trends. Tim van Berkestijn, the titular Benny from Amsterdam, is no exception, showing up on a lot of people’s radars (mine included) when he released an inspired jazzy cover of Drake’s ‘Passionfruit’, the one Drake track I can half-listen to without remembering that he’s really creepy around young girls. So naturally this led to a greater deep-dive of his discography, and boy howdy, have we found a gem buried in the general litter here. As described by Fisi, fellow Canta contributor and host over on Tunesoc Radio (catch it every Friday 12-2pm on RDU 98.5fm), Benny’s music ‘makes you feel safe and secure, like everything’s going to be alright’. That’s a fair assessment,

TUNE

IN,

DROP

considering how Benny’s vocals are like a blanket on a cold day, and his beats, while jazzy, yes, feature the warmth of an old tatty cassette tape, or a VHS when you first pop it into the machine and for the first few seconds the static splutters and the speakers hum. Every song is soft, intimate and sublime in a way that for a fledgling English student like me is somehow still sort of difficult to get across, in the way that the piano and the butterscotch vocals blend together in expertly crafted layering. And seeing as how this is an album called ‘City Pop’, the songs are irresistibly grooveable. Imagine a disco but everyone’s had a nice cup of English Breakfast tea and got enough sleep the night before. This release, along with anything else Benny does or will do, is wholesome, warm and deserving of much more attention.

STEPHEN MALKMUS

- Groove Denied Malkmus is one of those dudes who is pretty great but is always somehow stuck under the radar. Last year he dropped a stealth classic with his band The Jicks, “Sparkle Hard”, and expertly crafted album that rightly found its way on to a handful of end-of-year lists. So now he’s back, this time apparently without a band to back him up, delivering a selection of sixtiesinspired riffage and genre-busting avantgarde stuff. I’m a big fan of the lead single, “Rushing the Acid Frat”, which, if you listen closely, you can hear a bit of Sgt. Peppers in. Yes, I know I keep making references to the Beatles, what do you expect?

BY: LEWIS HOBAN

OUT

EX HEX - It’s Real Yep, I had to include a garage rock album. You know me all too well. I like the sound, sue me. And anything that gets people into more woman-led bands the better, right? There’s something evocative about the whole Riot Grrrl aesthetic, which is probably why Bikini Kill was so massively successful for that brief blip in the nineties (that’s actually not far from the truth, considering Mary Timony was in that one riot grrrl Helium) These three are pretty damn good with their riffage and rockin and such, so check em out!

HONOURABLE MENTIONS: WALLOWS - Nothing Happens AMERICAN FOOTBALL American Football AVEY TARE - Cows on Hourglass Pond SHITKID - [DETENTION]

THE ABSOLUTE WORST OF...

BY BEN O’CONNELL

DATES

Going on at least one horrific date seems integral to everybody’s student experience. To validate this assumption, CANTA asked students about their worst dates. And when we say worst, we mean it.

“We went to a food court, and she brought her friend because “she wanted to hang out.” When I mentioned I had braces at one point, the friend stuck her fingers in my mouth to see if I was ‘telling the truth’. Needless to say that was the most action I got out of that relationship. He kept apologizing for his lazy eye, which I couldn’t’ have cared less about and told him so-and worked it into every conversation about “bitches who care more about what’s on the outside than the inside.” Same guy then said he didn’t see this going anywhere and proceeded to text that night at 12:30 am for a booty call...” “I decided to try something new with Tinder. I had only been on a few dates and all of the guys were super attractive, but turned out to be real jerks. I took on a new challenge to not judge a book by its cover! So I went on a date with a solid 4/10, and my God it was bad. I made the wrong decision to let him pick me up from my place. He came in and saw me doing dishes and said, “oh good, a woman in her rightful place”. I still went out with him because I thought maybe he’s just nervous. two minutes into the car ride her asked me if I’ve ever had sex on my period, and proceeded to tell me that’s “it’s not that bad”. A conversation of derogatory comments later and I asked him to drop me home. He asked to come in and I said no thanks, he then messaged me and said do you want to catch up again, Netflix and No chill? I responded with “do you really think that went well?” Thankfully I never heard from him again, but I spotted him at Mono once and ran in the opposite direction. Honorary mention: He clapped every time I said something he thought was intelligent.”

“So I’m a gay man and I went on a date with a homophobic man. He then offered to take me for a drive in the port hills and I’m sure if I had said yes I would have definitely been killed, skinned and worn as a onesie.” “The worst date I have ever been on was when he made me pick him up for the date and he told me he forgot his wallet so I had to pay for everything at the restaurant. This was a guy I met at a party the weekend before he was like a mutual friend and then after the date I had to drive him home and next thing I know I don’t hear from him after that. And I told my mutual friend about it and said he only wanted to go out with me so someone could get him a free meal. Talk about weird.”

“Me? Date???? I study law.”

“The one where I got dumped.” “Never been on a date.” “I was recovering from an illness and had fainted twice that day but didn’t want to see rude and cancel. So I went on this date it didn’t go well because surprise, surprise, I was feeling trash I also didn’t want to touch them or spread any germs so yea we didn’t click.”

“Not a date, just a hook-up. asked me if he could suck my toe, accidentally broke my earring and then told me to “say his name.” I’d forgotten his name.” “On my birthday, I had to actually force him to get out of bed and come see the movie we had tickets for. He slept through the movie and laughed at me for being jump scared then made me buy him Maccas for dinner coz he didn’t want to go anywhere else.” “My Tinder date told me I was a prude and then proceeded to vomit in the front seat of my car. #NeverSoberDriveATinderDate.” “Mate it was so long ago I can’t even remember, any way miss me with that emotional connection.” “Okay this isn’t a date story (I’ve never been on a date!) but I still can’t believe it happened... this guy messages me out of nowhere and asked me if I wanted to “bone” (insert Brooklyn Nine-Nine joke here... anyway...) when I said no, he instead invited me to watch him jack-off, telling me “you don’t have to touch it if you don’t want to, you can just watch.” It was ridiculous, but also this dude was really cute so if he hadn’t led with sex he might’ve got it... anyway, my friends and I have made it a joke ever since so cheers for that I guess.”

And with that, it’s safe to say that students and bad dates thankfully don’t go in hand in hand (for some). A humble shout out to those that have had such dating misfortunes is in order, though. It’s a hard knock life. Stay safe out there.

THE

POLITICS REPORT WITH HENRY FOUBISTER

Apparent political scientist and Seinfeld character, Cosmo Kramer, once asked the age old question of: “Whats the deal with politics?” This question has been analysed by many and yet it still does not have a definitive answer. Throughout the year, in this section of the critically acclaimed CANTA magazine, I will attempt the impossible and try to answer the conundrum raised on the 173rd episode of Seinfeld, the greatest situational comedy ever (sorry Friends and the Office fans, but it’s true. Please no hate mail xo). UCPOLS is UC’s non-partisan political club dedicated to providing a forum for all things political. The opinions expressed below are not necessarily the views of UCPOLS. NEW ZEALAND POLITICS

Results of the Tax Working Group

Attack in Christchurch

Green Member of Parliament Golriz Ghahraman has proposed a Bill that, if passed, would lower the threshold for parties to enter Parliament, making it easier for minor parties to get elected. But don’t worry, this doesn’t mean that folks like Gareth Morgan will become Members of Parliament in 2020. Under the proposed Bill, the threshold would be lowered to 4% rather than the current 5% (Gareth Morgan’s TOP only got 2.4% of the vote in 2017... what a shame). The Bill, which is called the Electoral Strengthening Democracy Bill, also proposes that prisoners be given the right to vote and that people on the Maori electoral roll would get to change which roll they are on at any time, including election day. Deputy Prime Minister and man who loves a good swig of whiskey, Winston Peters, casted some severe shade on Ghahraman’s Bill saying that issue should be “decided by the New Zealand people, not by temporary empowered politicians.” Yikes. RIP the Electoral Strengthening Democracy Bill. Winnie P has always favoured putting issues to the New Zealand people via referendum, most notably when all of New Zealand First voted against the Marriage (Definition of Marriage) Amendment Bill in 2013 (the Bill that made same-sex marriage legal in New Zealand) citing that he would rather the issue go to the New Zealand people to decide. Classic Winnie. If the proposed Bill passes Parliament, it is unlikely that these changes would come into effect before next years general election.

There is nothing funny about the events that took place in Christchurch on March 15, 2019. The attack on the mosques on Deans Avenue and in Linwood shook the Muslim community, the people of Christchurch and the nation. The perpetrator was a white supremacist that sought to divide New Zealand with his hurtful rhetoric. However, as we seen over the last few weeks, the exact opposite has happened. Kiwis from all across the political divide have, and will continue to condemn this terrorist act. White supremacy is a a vile, disgusting, hateful ideology that has plagued global society and needs to be condemned at every turn. This is not a political view, rather it is an extremist ideology that seeks to divide and harm. No mind and no religion should accept what happened on March 15 as normal. We can no longer ignore the growing intolerance of others in our society. New Zealand is a diverse and multicultural country and we pride ourselves on being peaceful and loving. We were chosen as the target of this attack because of our diverse nature. As we process these events, the best thing we can do is reaffirm our values of respect and tolerance for all, condemn this attack and the monster behind it, and show love and support for all, especially the Muslim community that was targeted by this attack. .

WORLD POLITICS

Mueller Report Released

Trump-Kim Summit

A happy Robert Mueller is finally free from investigating President Trump

Finally reporting for service in Vietnam only 54 years late, President Donald J. Trump was recently in the former French colony of Vietnam to meet with North Korean dictator and man who apparently cuts his own hair in the dark, Kim Jong Un. This will be the second summit between the two leaders, the first being in Singapore in 2018. The aim of the summit is to curtail North Korea’s nuclear ambitions; North Korea’s nuclear weapons programme has increased in a major way since Kim Jong Un came into to power in 2011. The relationship between the two leaders has surprising flourished ever since Trump threatened to unleash “fire and fury like the world has never seen” on North Korea. Trump has even gone as far as claiming that himself and Kim Jong Un are “in love.” Surely he goes for divorce number three. After all, what is another divorce at age 74, right? Despite Donald Trump and Kim Jong Un’s love for each other, evidence suggests that North Korea is still using Uranium-enriched facilities. Recent satellite photos also show North Korea is rebuilding a longrange rocket site that had been dormant since August 2018. The fate of the world now relies on Donald Trump’s negotiating skills and his relationship with Kim Jong Un. Are we all screwed? Stay tuned for updates!

It’s here! After all the hype, the media speculation, the two year wait is finally over. Robert S. Mueller III has finalised his report on collusion between Russia and the Trump Presidential Campaign in the 2016 U.S. General Election. The report was submitted to the Attorney-General, William Barr, early Saturday morning. Media outlets lost their cool as for the last 6 months articles titled “Mueller Is Closing In” have become more frequent. In typical fashion, the media speculated, without qualification, as to what the report contained. Late Sunday, The Attorney-General’s office released a four page summary of Mueller’s report. The report that had been teased by Robert Mueller’s office for the last two years, with 37 people and entities charged with a staggering 199 criminal charges, found that Donald Trump, the man who spends more time hate tweeting Meryl Strep than he does running the country, did not collude with Russia. This is not surprising. How could Donald Trump be in communication with the Russians when Hillary Clinton was hardly in communication with the state of Michigan? Ever since the Mueller started his investigation into the President, the media has perpetuated the idea that there was collusion between Trump and Russia. I feel I’ve wasted the last two years of my life following this story. President Trump will be glad that this cloud overs his administration is now lifted, however, there are still 17 other investigations into the President. Good luck to President Trump, he is going to need it.

POLITICAL PREDICTIONS As articles for CANTA need to be submitted at least a week prior to print, commentary on current events as they happen is near impossible. Nonetheless, in an attempt to seem timely, I am happy to share my political predictions for the next few weeks.

My Political Predictions are: Mike Hosking will write a negative opinion piece in the Herald about the government Duncan Garner will be angry about something David Seymour will continue to be an MP despite all odds Trump will tweet something stupid

Overall The State of New Zealand Politics: 2/3 The State of Local Politics: Tragic The State of Global Politics: Dangerous

Brexit (lol)

Best Friends Forever: Kim Jong Un and Donald Trump are best pals.

WOKE WENDY’S GUIDE TO INTERVENTION Written by Molly Thomas and Mel J Haworth There’s nothing worse than seeing some creepy, non-consensual stuff go down. Even if you’re not sure exactly what the situation is, sometimes you see someone who looks a bit uncomfortable, maybe their friend is getting handsy and you’re just getting creepy, not so great vibes? Worry not, you no longer have to feel like you’re a helpless bystander! Read on for some advice and ideas.

PRE-INTERVENTION:

When intervening, it is important to keep yourself safe. The golden rule: If you feel like the situation is too dangerous to intervene, then don’t! It’s always a good idea to take a buddy with you to intervene as well.

INTERVENING: You don’t have to be a woke Wendy to prevent sexual violence, here’s five ways to intervene! Ask annoying questions! Literally, ask 20 random ass questions. Some examples, because we are the queens of random and useless questions. “Would you rather date Chris Hemsworth or have a cool million?” “Fuck, marry, kill: Chris Evans, Chris Pine, Chris Pratt?” “Is Kris Jenner the hardest working woman in showbiz?” “Who has had more of an impact on the world we live in? Christopher Columbus (colonist) or Chris Columbus (filmmaker)?”

- Create a mass public distraction. If you’re one for the dramatics this one may be for you! Draw attention to yourself and involve one of the people in the situation. Some suggestions: - Start singing a High School Musical duet and rope them into singing the next part! - Scream a movie quote at them from across the room. We suggest: “Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.” - Challenge them to a dance off.

“Did you ever see that Christopher Robin film? I heard it was good”

- Pretend to be a scorned ex-lover. Demand to know why they won’t respond to your messages.

- Do the clingy dog routine. If you have a clingy dog you will know what this looks like. Become best friends with the person and don’t leave their side until you know they’re in a safe situation. It doesn’t matter what circumstances, they’re now your best friend in the world and you want to spend every single second with them!

- Straight up tell them it’s not cool. Maybe you’re a blunt person like ourselves, and tell it how it is. There are certain risks with this, but sometimes it’s the easiest and most straight forward method. Some suggestions of what to say: “It’s 2019, we don’t do that anymore.”

- Ask if they want to go the bathroom with you. This one may work better for girls! You know how much us girls love going to the bathroom together! The one good thing about that shitty stereotype is that you can intervene and make it seem totally normal and just “something that girls do.” Who knew casual sexism and stereotyping was so useful?

“Aren’t they a bit drunk?” “We should get them home, they’re gonna have a killer hangover tomorrow.” “You’re making them uncomfortable.”

Post-intervention: We understand that it’s never an easy task to intervene and that it can have an emotional impact on you and the person you intervened for. Make sure that you both seek out support if necessary!

ThursInBlackUC

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S IN G L E AN D R EA DY TO LOV E M YS E L F, I G UESS? Do you know what I love? People loving me. So much so that I have found myself in a string of constant relationships since the tender age of sixteen. Constant partners, always overlapping with each other, and sometimes even multiple partners at once. Anything to help me avoid dealing with the fact that I so obviously hate myself; who needs to focus on self-improvement when you have a string of people you can use to validate your worth! But recently, for the first time in nearly seven years, I have spent a cool 26 days being single. And I mean very single. No partner, no fuck buddies, no random crush that I can fantasise a life with. Just me, and oh boy has it been something. Going through approximately 1.5 break-

ups, my nights are spent with wine and rom-coms, followed by depressing break-up songs and me crying while my flatmates take turns gently rocking me, like some sort of huge, heartbroken baby that needs to be lulled to sleep. These 26 days have been something, alright. And while I am miserable, and let me be clear, holy shit am I unhappy, I have also been presented with an opportunity for growth. What’s life like when there isn’t someone I can focus all of my attention on? Lonely! Will I hate myself if I’m not being desired by another human? Almost definitely! But, will I learn to develop an unshakeable sense of self-worth that is untouchable to external forces and strongly grounded in a feeling that I am

in fact good enough, for not only myself, but for any future partner that may come along? I sure fucking hope so. So, I’m going to try loving myself. It’s time to stop neglecting me and start recognising that I am actually a super cool, intelligent, sophisticated woman, who is perfectly acceptable as a standalone individual and doesn’t need another person’s affection to validate their existence. How do I do this? To be confirmed, but let’s start with some therapy, a good group of friends, and my trusty vibrator and see how we go? Wish me luck. Syvaana Amai-Hansen

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D E P T OF SPI R I TUA L EN G I N EER I N G G E S U N D H E I T ! Wherever you go in the world, if you let out an almighty sneeze, chances are someone near by will say words to the effect of “bless you”.

And for the most part, the various sneeze responses have been passed down to us due to some quite wonderful superstitions. In times of old, some peasant farmers believed that a sneeze caused the soul to escape the body through the nose, and saying “bless you” would stop the devil from snaffling it up. Others believed the opposite: that evil spirits could use the sneeze as an opportunity to enter a person’s body when they were most vulnerable. A third group believed that the heart would momentarily stop during a sneeze (while it feels that way, my doctor friend tells me its most certainly not the case), and that saying “bless you” was a way of welcoming the person back to life after their nano-death. And so while the Gesundheit! factor might make the idea of blessing stuff seem a bit mindless, let me introduce you to the another kind of blessing.

In Aotearoa, offering a blessing (Manaaki) has been an important part of Maori custom for hundreds of years, and it’s been a big part of Christian practice for ages too. So what exactly do us humans think we’re doing when we bless something?  One dictionary say’s blessing is “a prayer asking for divine favour and protection.” But blessing something is also one of the ways humans show deep gratitude for good things, and express our hopes for the future. Regardless of a persons own stated faith (or lack of), deep in most people’s bones is the desire to give thanks for the good things they have, and to ask for safety over the things they can’t control.

And so all around the world people offer blessings for all sorts of things! Babies get blessed. Couples get blessed. Boats get blessed. Goats get blessed! (Pet’s have a special church service once a year called St Francis Day. Best to wear gumboots for that one.) And in Russia, before a spaceship can ever be permitted to blast off, an Orthodox priest must bless the rocket and the crew. If you were the one about to sit on top of 274 tonnes of explosive rocket fuel, then I’d imagine you’d probably be pretty keen on a blessing too.

But blessing isn’t always about having a good time. I’ve also blessed spaces after people have died. That kind of blessing is about acknowledging what has happened, and helps those who are still living and working in that place to get back to normal life. According to Maori understanding it’s about taking a place that has become “Tapu” (Sacred) and blessing it so it can return to a state of “Noa” (Unrestricted).

Well one of the perks of the job as the Uni Chaplain is that when people need something blessed, they tend to give me a call. Last week I blessed the dirt at the “turning of the sod” with the new Vice-Chancellor for the new student hall they’ve just started building. And last weekend I even got up at 4.30am to do a sunrise blessing for a new mountain Monastery I’ve helped set up for younger people. And most years I bless my fair share of fresh student flats too. I oil my beard, don my robes, and gather anyone who’s keen to give thanks and express our hopes… and then I sprinkle a few litres of holy water about the place to seal the deal. (Note to Vampires: don’t stand too close to me mid-blessing as I’m pretty liberal with the Holy H20.)

So if you’d like to get in on this blessing craze – but you’re not sure where to start how about you le t me come and bless your flat! Flat blessings are a seriously good time, and a great way to intentionally turn your flat into a home. I can’t guarantee your black mould will be banished forever, but I can guarantee to throw lots of holy water around (including in your toilet) while processing in a conga-line like fashion. My only fee is a cup of milo & a chocolate biscuit. So if you want to get your blessing on – flick me an email – and let’s get the holy water flowing!

Spanky.moore@canterbury.ac.nz

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RAWING MEG A N X I E T Y

The feeling of anxiety can vary across people – trembling hands and wobbly knees, inability to look people in the eye, avoidance of certain people or situations, increased heartbeat, the flutter in your stomach, or perhaps a ‘buzzy’ and heightened elevation in energy. The university environment and student lifestyle can raise some rather anxietyprovoking feels for us. It’s all around us and is often inescapable – looming tests and deadlines for assignments, paying for rent… on top of food, petrol, and funmoney, work and study commitments piling on, feeling alone or struggling to find your place within the uni and the classes you take. These alone can leave us struggling, but mix all of them together and you can feel like you are on the brink of a breakdown or feel like your anxious state won’t ever end. So, I’ve jotted down some quick tips and tricks to help you out of those states, and to manage any anxiety you do feel: Realise that it is okay to feel anxious – it does not make you a weak person, it is a part of being human Get active – I don’t care if you don’t feel like you have time; you sitting at your desk trying to write an essay while being in an anxious state will not produce the result you want and are capable of. Go for a walk with a friend, attend a class at the Rec Centre, spend time at doing some laps at the pool, or smash out a leg day at the gym. Those endorphins you get from moving your body, along with the time away from whatever is getting you anxious or nervous, will help you settle your mind and body and be in a better state to face the rest of your day Focus on your breathing, even try some meditative activities – this does not mean

you have to sit on a yoga mat, surrounded by crystals, legs folded, and chanting “kumbaya”. It’s about taking a second on your walk to the next lecture, before your test, or before that meeting, and focusing on your breath. Deep, long, and slow breathing activates the parasympathetic nervous system and brings your anxiety (and physical symptoms of it) down. Utilise some brill apps on your phone, both of which are free by the way! Two of the popular meditation/breathing exercise apps are “Headspace” and “Insight Timer”. They each offer you an array of guided exercises and activities, so whether you have two or 20 minutes free there is guaranteed to be something for you Talk about what you are going through and how you are feeling – be it your friends, family member, healthcare professional, or the flat cat; talking this out loud gets it out of your head which can be incredibly relieving for starters. Not to mention, depending on who you tell, you can end up with realising others are in the same place (or have been), and can even offer some good (or potentially shit) advice to help you manage the feels Take a look at your lifestyle – as much as you don’t want to hear it, those nights out that you can’t remember, late nights studying until 3am every night, or taking those pills you really shouldn’t be really aren’t helping your case. On a less extreme scale, there could be a friend or flatmate that really isn’t sending out a positive vibe or message, your work may be giving you more crap than its worth, or turning up to lectures five minutes late isn’t contributing to your life in the best way

diagnosed with that mental illness. Let’s reframe from describing your need to have your notes colour co-ordinated as being “so OCD”, a mini-freak out about sending that text to the wrong person is not a “panic attack”, and preferring to stay in rather than go to out to town or to a gig does not mean you have a “social phobia”. This is not belittling your anxieties or behaviours – they are valid and they can make you feel uncomfortable; but those disorders are so much more than a little behaviour or personality quirk.

Rawimeg (@rawingmeg on Insta) Blog for more readings: https://rawingmeg. wixsite.com/hearmeraw

Any issues raised? Here’s some help… UC Health Centre (03 369 4444) 24hr Anxiety Helpline (0800 ANXIETY)

Before I go, a quick note on terminology – learn not to use the names of diagnosed mental illnesses when describing an action or personality trait you have if you are not

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QUEERTIQUETTE P R I D E I N 2 0 1 9 ; I T’S M ORE CON F U SE D T H A N WH E N I WAS IN TH E C LOSE T. What is Pride in 2019? Ultimately that’s what it all comes down to. Whenever Mike Hosking asks why there isn’t straight pride, or someone tries to throw another spin on the police in Auckland, or you learn that up until 2018 Christchurch Pride supported an underwear only night at a cruise club; it’s time to ask this question. So here we are. From a history perspective, Pride has grown out of the grassroots protest movement that started with the Stonewall Riots. The modern parade grew out of a desperate need to not only be seen, but to not be persecuted for our identities. But with queer rights being pretty much all here (at least in terms of legislation), what exactly are we protesting? Sure there are still things we’re working towards; increased funding for reassignment surgery, census representation, and the ability to give blood to name a few; but is this carnivalesque menagerie the best way to achieve those goals?

Maybe it’s about positive visibility. After the (brutal) 2015-2017 TV seasons of “Bury Your Gays” (reminiscent of the mid-20th century when the best representation we could hope for was a psychopath or a dead guy), better positive representation is sorely needed. Mainstream TV is catching up (see Supergirl, Brooklyn 99, and Schitt’s Creek), but fuck do we still have to carry this. And yeah Pride does a lot for that. QCanterbury’s yearly lecture series is super informative, and events like parades, art shows, and the (frankly amazing) Comedy for a Cause do a lot to show queer members of our community visibly succeeding. But a lot of these events are potentially exclusive to closeted queers, events at cruise clubs alienate straights that want to see queers as being normal (repressed) members of society, and scandals like the police in Auckland thing have only served to remove legitimacy from our institutions. If this is what positive visibility looks like, we’re doing a bad job.

Or maybe, fuck all that political shit, it’s just an excuse to have a party. But why do we call it pride, why do we bother to inform, or appear family friendly; if not to reference a period of suffering by our community that the event no longer represents. Ultimately, I don’t have any answers (I have plenty of opinions though). But these questions are being asked whether we like it or not and it’s up to us to answer them. The longer we delay, the more reason conservative media has to undermine all the progress we’ve made thus far. All opinions are welcome (except Mike Hosking, frankly I’ve heard enough), just keep things civil kiddos. -Sam Gibson

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NG AI R E K NOWS B ES T W O R S T

Dear Ngaire, I’m stuck in the worst living situation with my flatmates. Jack constantly lets his girlfriend stay. Not only does she use up all our hot water and eat any food that is not his, she seems to think she has input at our flat meetings. This is driving the boys insane. How would you deal with this?

Hello dear, Goodness me. We’ve all been there, haven’t we? I know I’ve had problem once with a gentleman friend who wouldn’t leave my flat. All hours of the day he just sat there bloated and staring out the window. Turned out he was dead. Talk about dud root. Anywhoo! My advice is to sneak into Jackie boy’s room and cut that girlfriend’s greasy ponytail off in the middle of the night. Bonus – if there’s a flatmate you want gone, just place said pony in his bed. Then go for an early session at Drexels and let nature take its course.

D E N T U R E S

I’ve tried subtle hints, but it’s now getting to the point that I don’t want to be around her. Signed, Aversion to fish

Listen here. I’ve got no tolerance for a dirty bum. You bloody millennials have missed out on the world’s greatest invention: talcum powder. I am dusty as a powdered donut at ALL times, and the best part of it all? Any lumpy body-custard gets absorbed up before you stain your best slacks. How about you write her a funny limerick! Or a heartfelt haiku! Or offer her a few drinks, get drunk and say “listen, Patricia. Wash your fanny”. Be prepared to fight. ———Ngaire,

Sending love,

I see you trolling Simon Bridges and Paula Bennett constantly on Facebook. If you’re not a National supporter ( or an able bodied voter ) I think you need to step away from the keyboard.

Ngai

Stop being an idiot.

——-

Mel

Dear Grandma Ngaire,

This is Simon fuckin’ Bridges isn’t it? I’m onto you. Next time I see you I am pulling off that stupid wig and beating you with it. I am a retired woman with an Internet connection. You’ve fucked with the wrong bitch.

Any advice you can give me would be appreciated in this awkward situation. I have a friend who straight up stinks. She has B.O... everywhere. I mean everywhere.

E V E R

This is for Ngaire: I want to know her best cooking tips please (sent via Snapchat)

WHATS A SNAPCHAT? I WANT IT ON MY FIREFOX TOOLBAR THANK YOU ALEXA

Should there be a place at UC for Pro-Life Canterbury? Freedom of expression has always been a key part of University, but when does this reach the point where it goes too far? Pro-Life Canterbury’s decision to hand out aborted foetus dolls during clubs days makes us wonder if there should still be a place for them here at UC. Following the success of Clubs Day this year, it’s easy to forget that there are still many social issues that surround us. In many ways, these issues have much in common, especially when you look at it permissively and remember that everyone has the right to their own opinions. However, when someone’s freedom of speech advocates to take away another’s freedom, is that ethically and morally okay with us?

FOR AGAIN

Pro-Life organisations are established in order to save the ‘lives’ of babies who are not yet born. It stems from the Christian belief that all life matters and should be treated equal to those of us who are outside the womb. Although these intentions may come from a heartfelt place, they are fundamentally sexist. Pro-Life is the opposition to Pro-Choice, which are organisations established to support an (anatomical) female’s right to decide what is best, safest, or most financially stable for her own body and life. To be Pro-Life is to be opposing this right. In such a time as this, when the #MeToo Movement is in full swing, is it ‘right’ for a group that opposes female rights to not only exist as part of the university, but for students to be funding them? At UC, we pay approximately $750 for the Student Levy fee every year. This money goes towards student priorities, one of which is Club Affiliation support. Affiliated Clubs at UC require at least 20 members who attend Uni, and an approved application by a UCSA Exec, both of which Pro-Life Canterbury has. In this perspective, it is questionable whether or not students should be paying to support a club that does not support women. Especially to be spending this money on foetus dolls? Pro-Life Canterbury’s synopsis for their club states that they “advocate for the dignity and well-being of all human life. Especially the sick, disabled, elderly, unborn, and women facing crisis pregnancies or post abortion trauma”. However, if this truly was the case, it would make more sense for them to disassociate their club with the title ‘Pro-Life’, which has many negative connotations. In modern New Zealand, and in such a place as a university, it would make more sense for them to take a more similar stance to Pro-Choice, while offering support to those who perhaps don’t need/want to have an abortion. Their money should be spent on preventing unwanted pregnancies, advocating safer sex and understanding consent, providing sex education, and many more things - all of which don’t limit a women’s access to her own body. This is an issue that has been ravishing the United States over the last few years, as more and more states are making abortion illegal, harder to access, and much more expensive. It comes down to the fact that Pro-Lifers don’t care about women, or babies. UC should learn from the tragedy of female and minority degradation overseas, and understand that some things come under freedom of expression, and some things are just sexist, biased, and oppressive. Support our girls who deserve the right to their bodies.

PRO AT

R& NST

ProLife UC has a place among the clubs at our University. Over the past decade, ProLife UC has provided a unique service at UC. Our club has created a supportive platform for students to have respectful, evidence-based discussions on the issues surrounding abortion and euthanasia. The club has done this without a single incident over this period.   Despite this flawless record, the right of pro-life clubs to exist on campus, or have the same rights as other clubs, has frequently been challenged. This year is no different. However, as usual, the arguments and accusations made against our club are both unfounded and totally unreasonable. Here at UC, our student body is both culturally and intellectually diverse. This is obvious from taking a glance at the range of clubs on clubs day. ProLife UC’s positions are a product of that diversity. This diversity is only guaranteed by the fact the UCSA treats all students equally, irrespective of their perspectives, values, and beliefs. All of these individuals pay fees which go to the UCSA. Given that all students pay the same fee, is it unreasonable to expect equal treatment towards all clubs, including ProLife UC? The core position held by ProLife UC is that pro-life simply means to recognise the dignity and value held by each human person. Consistently applying this principle leads our club to work alongside vital community services such as pregnancy and disability support groups. It also leads our club to affirm the sanctity of human life from conception to natural death, and by implication to oppose abortion and euthanasia. The position outlined is an ethical one, and it is informed by science, bioethics and reason.

LIFE UC

Why even have a discussion about abortion? There are a number of issues with abortion about which we as a society remain silent. Abortion has been used to eugenically-target those with Down Syndrome (Maxwell et al., 2015). Sex-selective abortion has contributed towards millions of missing girls and has skewed sex ratios in developing countries (Bongaarts and Guilmoto, 2015). According to a study by the Guttmacher Institute (2010-2014), “Of the 56 million induced abortions that took place each year during 2010–2014, an estimated 25 million (45%) were unsafe.” To restrict discussion by suppressing unpopular opinions around this issue is to say none of these facts can, or should be addressed. Having the ability to challenge the status quo precisely defines a university culture. We commend the UCSA for its commitment to diversity and freedom of speech on campus. We believe these are important foundations for universities, which is why we look forward to further productive discussions with all students, including those who identify as pro-choice. -ProLife UC

ADVENTURES FROM THE SOUTH

CAMP BAY

CAVE 42

adventuresftsouth.com

BY: NATHAN JAMES

Camp Bay Cave is a hidden gem of a cave just around from Diamond Harbour. On the Nor-Western Coast of Camp Bay in Banks Peninsula. It is great for those that are up for an explore and to get that youth filled adrenaline rush without paying a dime. Diving into a water cave close to home that you have only just found has got to be a highlight of this adventure.

In Detail There is not a name on the topographical map nor a location tag on Google Maps nor even a Google Search that I could perform that would lead me to the name of this place. As it is a cave on the edge of Camp Bay I have referred to it as Camp Bay Cave. The only way to find such a spot would probably be through word of mouth from locals in the area. If you have a keen eye like me you may have spotted it on the beach. I had located this spot from the shores of Camp Bay sitting on the beach from my previous trip here. It was a fair way from the beach to get to the cave. The first attempt at getting to the cave we scaled rocky outcrops from the beach. We were soaked before long, doing our best to avoid the crashing waves.

C a m p B ay C ave Exploring the rocks is a lot of fun, arriving just after high tide the cave made for an epic dive spot. There was a decent surge that would come into the cave that I was cautious of. I wanted to ensure that the water below was clear of any rocks before I jumped in case I injured myself. I headed in first, treading water to ensure I felt comfortable with the surge. At this point, it was important to find a solid exit point around the rocks after jumping. The rocks were quite sharp and ended up cutting up my hands on the way out. The surges in the waves added to the complexity of exiting the water without getting smashed up against the rocks. With all the rocks below snorkelling would be interesting. It is difficult to know what visibility would be like in the water, this would vary with the seasons and the time of day. On the way back from the cave we followed a different route crossing to the rib of the hill then heading straight up to the outward corner to meet the road. It was a stroll back along the road to the Camp Bay carpark.

Location

Camp Bay Cave is one of the most exciting spots that I have been to so close to home. Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s an epic cave overlooking Godley Head, a car that has been abandoned and not to mention, my favourite place to pop a bomb in Christchurch. If you are up for an adventure be sure to hit this spot up.

Camp Bay Cave is around from the Camp Bay (hence the name). I have drawn a rough map of the route that I took to get down to Camp Bay Cave. It takes approximately an hour to 45mins return from Camp Bay carpark. Follow the road up to the second bend in the road and descend down the second valley from the carpark. An abandoned car has been left to rot after a tremendous crash down the gully. Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s a slip and slide down the valley until you approach a rocky shore. There is a steep drop before you hit the Pancake Flat Rock and only another 50 metres to the cave. With an outgoing tide, it gave us some peace of mind. Not having to worry whether our bags and gear would get washed away with the sea. Make sure you check the tides here before you head out.

adventuresftsouth.com

L U C K Matthew

FIRST IMPRESSION Absolutely fantastic! I knew her through mutual friends and we had very briefly met before, so the nerves were instantly at bay. She had even been at my flat earlier in the day, which I had no clue of, catching up with one of my flatmates. We thought of this as a half-blind date. I will admit I did arrive fashionably late with a ‘couple of beers with dinner’ under my belt but after we both seemed to be very relieved. It did seem like a good sign when the waiter headed over to grab our orders and we hadn’t even opened the menus yet because we’d been too busy yarning. With some tactical cocktail menu planning, it felt like two old friends catching up with chill conversation.

CHEMISTRY As I said earlier, I’m like a nun in a brothel when it comes to reading signs; pretty fucking useless. So to be honest with you I’m hoping her side fills in this gap for me. Does making out in the Craic count at all?

FUNNY MOMENT As I walked into the Fox and Ferret and was looking for someone in charge to get this date on the move, I met a mystical man named Riki who was pumping me up for the evening ahead. After me and my date made swift work of the tab with some ‘cook your own’ hot plate food (a lot of trust serving raw chicken to the public) we met Riki once more along with his team outside. Riki’s generous shout on far too many Jagerbombs really ramped the night up so the group of us (including our waiter) took on the Craic karaoke night with full force. My date and I didn’t get the chance to slaughter Beautiful Soul by Jesse McCartney but for that I am very thankful, and we decided to check up on my flat for the second time in the day.

THE VERDICT A resounding 10/10 from me with a night full of M. Night Shyamalan twists and turns that will leave a long-lasting impression on my liver, I would’ve never expected such a wild Wednesday night. With so many friends new and old, I’d like to think Canta organised Riki as the third member of the blind date. Thanks to Canta and my date for putting up with my borderline atrocious yarns. On to KFC next!

Want a Fox & Ferret dinner, drinks and a chance to shoot your shot in LUCKY DIP? Email canta.editor@gmail.com

WHY I’M SINGLE There are plenty of fish in the sea. Unfortunately, I live in the desert. Also known as Erskine. I also like to think I have stayed single by choice in the hopes of acquiring a free meal from Canta, but I think it lies in my magic skill in ignoring every obvious signal given to me. I genuinely would need a girl to whip out a couple of light up marshal wands to guide me like I was a big airplane, while simultaneously shouting through a megaphone. Even that could be a little vague for me, so maybe a nice contract in the mail could clarify things too. .

Y WHY I’M SINGLE

FIRST IMPRESSION Well, my first impression was that Canta was playing a practical joke on me because I turned up and there was no booking. Sitting there waiting, I have maybe never felt so anxious. But then after 10 minutes of messaging friends and wanting to leave, my date arrived. I was kind of relieved! I recognised him, we had met before and had a few very close mutual friends!

CHEMISTRY I think after some initial awkwardness of just the situation in general we got on really well, had some really good chats, but I wouldn’t say any massive instant attraction or spark, which I mean in no offence in anyway. I think in some ways we had very many similar things to talk about which was nice. He would be an amazing catch for any girls out there!!!

FUNNY MOMENT Literally, the whole date and night had quite a few funny moments. The first funny moment was probably realising my friend who I had been talking about it with like all day, who was his flat mate had dropped him off haha, and he kept mum on that one. We made some new friends once we continued drinking outside later in the night, one nice man bought us many Jagerbombs, he was a legend. Then the night went from strength to strength, when us, our new friends, and the bartender all hit up the Craic together afterwards. It was definitely a very fun night, with a very fun crew. :

I just haven’t met the right person, at the right time really, and haven’t settled. I feel like I’ve felt very deeply for people, it just doesn’t seem to work out. I’m a bit of a free spirit, and stuck in my ways. I also am a bit sensitive, and maybe care too much. Going into this I definitely felt a little heartbroken lol, so maybe I need time to focus on that.

DJ e aIn n P ie THE VERDICT I am 100 percent glad I put myself out of my comfort zone and did it (apart from my wee freak out at the beginning). I had a lovely evening getting properly aquatinted with Buzz, as well as making other new friends , all the alcoholic beverages, and the wildest Wednesday I have had in a very long time made it a top night. As far as what happens next, I’m sure we can see each other around and maybe become proper friends now instead of just a familiar-ish face.

HAPPYENDING

PISCES

ARIES

(Jan 20 - Feb 18)

(Feb 19 - Mar 20)

(Mar 21 - Apr 19)

Pretend to be a hall resident to get free cafeteria food. For the first term they don’t know who’s who.

This might be one of the driest summers on record, but don’t let that stop you getting wet this autumn.

You think it’s a secret; but they know.

TAURUS

GEMINI

CANCER

(Apr 20 - May 20)

(May 21 - Jun 20)

(Jun 21 - Jul 22)

What happens at Mardi Gras should never have left New Orleans.

Are you in the first term of university or the second term of pregnancy? Find out in 3 months. .

Why buy a diary at the bookshop when the UCSA hand out free ones?

LEO

VIRGO

LIBRA

(July 23 - Aug 22)

(Aug 23 - Sep 22)

(Sep 23 - Oct 22)

If you can’t identify the flatmate nobody else likes, it’s probably you.

Any hole is a goal.

SCORPIO

SAGI TTA R I U S

CAPRICORN

(Oct 23 - Nov 21)

(Nov 22 - Dec 21)

(Dec 22 - Jan 19)

If you went to Toga Party as a fifth year, rethink your life choices.

Know your learning style and attend every lecture. You’ve got this.

Leave the word ‘yeet’ in 2018.

As the Dalai Lama once said, “Fuck College House”.

HOROSCOPES

AQUARIUS

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