CANTA #6 2019 by UCSA

27 MAY 2019

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RĀHINA TE

RUA TEKAU MĀ WHITU O HARATUA

ISSUE

PRESIDENT’S

PIECE

Kia ora friends, And would you look at that – we're on the last week of term which unfortunately means exams are on their way. Don’t freak we have have a few goodies up the proverbial UCSA sleeve to make this a bit less stressful. As part of Stress Less Week this next week, the UCSA executive will be handing out free fruit in your go-to study spaces throughout campus. Then throughout the two weeks of exams, UCSA will provide free breakfasts in the Undercroft each day from 8am. What a deal! This week sadly marks the last week of the current Foundry Events Centre as we know it. Since its construction in 2012 after the earthquakes, it’s played host to thousands and thousands of students over the years – through club events, Mono Nights and other external concerts. While the Foundry and Bentley Bars will move across the carpark to Haere-roa, the current Foundry building as we know it will be demolished towards the end of the year to

make way for UC’s new Rec Centre, set to be completed in 2022. While we’ll be properly signing off the Foundry with the Foundry Finale (feat. Savage) this Saturday, this Thursday 30 May at 2pm, we’ll be saying a proper later bol to the current Foundry in an event dubbed the ‘Foundry Farewell.’ It’s free, there’ll be memories and speeches, super cheap wedges, but ultimately, we’ll be paying homage to a building that has given us so many memories over the last seven years – and oh boy has there been some of those. This is also my last writeup before we move into our longawaited new building Haere-roa in Term 3- – we can’t wait to welcome you in for Re-Ori week when you get back from break! That’s all for now – take care of yourself, smash those exams and see you in our new building come Term 3. Aroha nui, Sam

UPCOMING @ UCSA

NEWS

BROKEN NEWS

BEN APPETIT LB&CO ESPRESSO

CANTAS ART GALLERY

FLAT FAMOUS ROCHDALE & RUTHERFORD

CANTABIS FOR & AGAINST

UCPOLS: POLITICS REPORT

GETTING TO KNOW U(C)

A FEW NOTES

CONOR JONES

ADVENTURES FROM THE SOUTH

LIAM STRETCH

LUCKY DIP

KELLY PHILLIPS

CONTRIBUTORS JOSHUA BROSNAHAN LIAM DONNELLY BEN Oâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;CONNELL NATHAN JAMES LEWIS HOBAN

JAVA KATZUR MEGAN NELIS HENRY FOUBISTER ASHER ETHERINGTON SYVAANA AMAI-HANSEN SPANKY MOORE KANE BASSETT

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR SRETTEL E H T OT ROTIDE

LETTER OF THE WEEK

What’s up Canta?!   Recently I was walking back from uni and it was a warm day, so I was wearing a strappy shirt. Within the ten-minute walk it took for me to get to my flat I noticed a significant number of males blatantly staring at my chest! And yeah, I know not all boys do this so openly but what is up with that? By the time I got home I was feeling a little annoyed and kinda grossed out, so I complained to my boyfriend. All he had to say was that I should take it as a compliment. But really guys and I’m sure many girls will agree with me that we’re not always putting ourselves on display for you to stare at and we’re not always ‘asking for it’ either.   Yours truly, Chick with Big Tits Hi there Chick,

Look – boys are pretty stupid. I can attest to that as a gay man. I mean, I discussed this with Liam, and if boys had diddles on their chests flopping around semi chub on the reg, we’d have trouble watching where we mince. See? We’re stupid. Seriously – I don’t have an answer for you apart from 1) boys are stupid and 2) boys are stupid. Don’t cover up. I’d work on perfecting some evil eye contact and maybe some acerbic comments like ‘my tits are repulsed by your weak chin’. Good luck. CANTA

< 200 WORDS | LETTERS ARE PRINTED AS SUBMITTED | LETTER OF THE WEEK: $50 BUSH INN FOOD VOUCHER

OF COURSE IT’S ANON

BRUTAL BLOCKS

RACE-IST?

CANTA,

Heyyyyy Canta,

G'day mate,

No one wanted to see your fucken disgusting naked issue. Stop trying to be edgy. There’s a reason Critic is better than you.

So shall we take a minute to talk about the hideous and I mean hideous absoloutely brutalistic concrete shoes (blocks) around the place. The Mafia must be out for student loans cos damnnn are they trying to freak us out.  These are terribly inconvinent for rushing between classes. Also what about the poor security golf carts (that I wish I could drive).  How are they surviving having to find alternate routes everywhere??? Can they fly around them? Is it a case of we can't go under it, we can't go over it, we'll have to go through it and teleport through?? These are real life questions I have to know!!

Why isn't the library tower race a thing anymore?

Anon Anon, Here’s several things: 1) - It was a SEX issue, not a naked issue. 2) - Critic literally just published a Sex Issue with nudes as well, you brainless husk 3) - If being sex and body positive is edgy in your house, I feel bad for your girlfriend’s sex life

Please help solve these mystery's ~the curious bear hunter

4)- Fuck you forever, dickcheese. XO

Hi bear –

Cheers Callum Ohhh I don’t know- let’s make a wild assumption and say MODERN HEALTH AND SAFETY?! I say we bring back the days where you could bring your horse into lecture theatres and reheat fish in a public space. I’m not sure on the real reason for this – but we’ll find out for you and let you know. It’ll guaranteed be because of safety concerns. BOOOOO. GIVE US THE ABILITY TO DIE LIKE REAL MEN. CARDIAC ARREST. CANTA

You realise our entire campus is brutalistic concrete blocks, right? We’re like Russia but with more outdated heating sources. I made a call to UC Security to ask what the blocks are for, and whoever was on the line let out an evil cackle so loud, it made the lights flicker. Generous assumption: they’re to decrease people skating/Lime-ing/ running through campus when there’s an increase of puddles? Either that or we blame Fine Arts for another random ‘installation’. CANTA

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late

NEWS SWEN NEWS REPORT IT

University of Canterbury (UC) launched a new online reporting tool, Report It, to coincide with Pink Shirt Day, the global movement that celebrates diversity, promotes positive relationships and takes a stand against bullying. At UC we want everyone to feel safe on campus and to report any behaviour that makes staff or students feel uncomfortable. Bullying or harassment, whether on or off campus, is not okay and UC will not tolerate bullying, harassment or discrimination of any kind. Staff and students can use Report It to raise concerns anonymously. The information provided via Report It will be used to inform future strategies and education initiatives to address behaviour and improve respect and inclusiveness at UC. UC aims to build an even stronger and supportive community for all. https://www.canterbury.ac.nz/report-it/

FOUR UC SCIENTISTS HONOURED ON NZ SPACE PIONEERS STAMPS Sprinkled in star dust, four University of Canterbury (UC) scientific alumni and staff have been honoured, featuring among six Kiwis chosen to appear on new ‘New Zealand Space Pioneers’ postage stamps. Professor Beatrice Tinsley and Sir William Pickering were, respectively, instrumental in modern astronomy theory, and in helping to launch the United States space programme. Astronomers Alan Gilmore and Pamela Kilmartin are still actively conducting research. All four space pioneers are considered leaders in their respective fields.

ALAN GILMORE & PAMELA KILMARTIN Long-serving staff members of UC Physics and Astronomy, Gilmore and Kilmartin have been observers at UC’s Mount John Observatory, Tekapo, since 1980. Fellows of the Royal Astronomical Society of New Zealand, they track Near Earth Objects (NEOs) such as asteroids and comets that may be a long-term threat to Earth. Together they have discovered 41 minor planets, a comet and a nova. “We were surprised to be included in such illustrious company as Beatrice Tinsley and Sir William Pickering on the stamp set,” says Gilmore of the New Zealand Post honour. “We just help astronomers around the world to determine the orbits of objects passing near the Earth and from time to time we discover previously unknown minor planets located in the asteroid belt between Mars and Jupiter.” They work with the country’s secondlargest telescope, the one-metre McLellan reflector, which was built in UC’s workshops and installed at UC’s Mount John Observatory in 1986. “I work the telescope, while Pam does the image processing and measurements,” says Gilmore.

“We are part of a global network. Scientists in Arizona and Hawaii discover objects and report them to the Minor Planet Centre (MPC) in Cambridge, Massachusetts. We select targets for follow-up from the MPC’s webpage and make further observations. We can image NEOs to 22nd magnitude, a millionth of the brightness of the faintest star seen by the naked eye.” Most of their observatory activity requires working the night shift. The couple, who have been married for 45 years, say they are too busy working together to feel lonely in the remote part of the South Island.

BEATRICE TINSLEY

SIR WILLIAM PICKERING Sir William Pickering was one of the world’s leading space scientists; a titan of the US space programme. He was a senior NASA luminary, who pioneered the exploration of space. Born in 1910 in Wellington, he developed an interest in stars at high school and studied engineering at UC (then known as Canterbury College) before moving to the California Institute of Technology (Caltech). After finishing his degree in electrical engineering and unable to find work in New Zealand, he returned to Caltech to complete a Master’s degree followed by a PhD in Physics in 1936.

‘Queen of the Cosmos’ Beatrice Tinsley was one of the most creative and significant theoreticians in modern astronomy. She graduated from the University of Canterbury with an MSc in Physics with First Class Honours in 1961. She then completed her PhD on the evolution of galaxies at the University of Texas in just two years.

Made a professor in charge of radio and electronics, he was also appointed to the Scientific Advisory Board of the United States Air Force. During World War 2 he worked in their Jet Propulsion Laboratory (JPL). By 1954 he was the lab’s director where his scientific ability and sense of diplomacy enabled him to work with scientists, politicians and military officials. He remained there for 22 years.

After a one-year fellowship at the Lick Observatory of the University of California she took up an assistant professorship at Yale University, before becoming Yale’s first female Professor of Astronomy in 1978. That year she was diagnosed with melanoma. She continued to publish until shortly before her death in 1981. Her academic career spanned only 14 years but she produced 114 scientific papers, had an academic prize and a visiting professorship in astronomy named in her honour.

He had success with various unmanned spacecraft, appeared on the cover of Time magazine twice, and saw his work with Ranger VII spacecraft confirm the moon is not covered in dust. He retired from JPL in 1976 and kept close New Zealand ties. New Zealand awarded him an honorary knighthood, which would sit among personal messages from five US presidents. UC presented him with an honorary doctorate in 2003, before his death in 2004.

In 2009 to mark the International Year of Astronomy, peaks in the Kepler Mountains in Fiordland National Park were named to honour Professor Tinsley and Sir William Pickering – Mount Tinsley and Mount Pickering. UC’s newest Science precinct building is named for her, and sits next to the Ernest Rutherford building.

ABOUT THE STAMPS The NZ Post ‘New Zealand Space Pioneers’ stamps celebrate six New Zealand astronomers, cosmologists, and rocket scientists: Beatrice Tinsley, Alan Gilmore and Pamela Kilmartin, Charles Gifford, Albert Jones OBE, and Sir William Pickering. Together, the stamps form a rocket-shaped strip. The stamps are sprinkled with star dust collected from a meteorite found in Morocco.

CANTA’S

BROKEN NEWS

FOUNDRY SOLD TO ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS The venue known as the Foundry has a new owner, as students prepare to move their shenanigans into the new Haere-Roa building. The building has been sold to AANZ, Alcoholics Anonymous New Zealand, as they look for a new home for meetings and events in Christchurch.

AANZ reportedly paid valuation price for the venue, a whopping $600. When asked whether they’d uninstall any of the bar equipment, an AANZ representative insisted that “they’d only have a quiet one”.

TURF WAR ERUPTS AMID INCREASE OF FOOD TRUCKS A slow increase in the number of food trucks on campus grounds has caused a turf war among the vendors. Tensions have been gradually building for the past several months as UC rents more and more space to food trucks looking to capture the student market.

man’s tyres and the Bacon Brothers burning down the gelato truck. Despite appealing to a very niche market of students who can afford more than $3 rice, the war appears to be carrying on for the foreseeable future.

The war reportedly started with the slashing of the souvlaki

Shilling Club: The Album Dropping Soon Like hard DnB with your coffee at 9 am? Well now you can have the same experience at home!

‘Shilling Club Gold’ – coming soon. (only on C.D)

MAN WHO DOES MASSIVE SHIT FEELS JUDGING EYES OF A FULL UNDERCROFT 101 A man suffering from a severe case of the shits has felt the humiliating stare of 100 pairs of eyes. Upon exiting the Undercroft toilet block, the student was “greeted with hundreds of judging eyes through the windows of 101”. A panini from 1894 and various coffees caused the perfect conditions for an ‘intestinal flash flood’ according to the student, reportedly spent a lengthy time in the toilet block. “I could feel their staring, as if they were saying ‘hey we’ve noticed you were in there a while, you must’ve absolutely killed the place’”.

MONO ARTISTS JUST A SCARECROW AND SPOTIFY PLAYLIST A CANTA investigation into weekly Mono artists has uncovered the startling truth behind the biggest weekly music gig in the country. For the last year, no artists have performed at Mono, instead, Mono organisers have opted for a scarecrow and a Spotify playlist. When approached for a comment, one Mono representative said, “Why pay for artists when we can just prop a scarecrow on stage and play a Spotify playlist of some random dude all for free?” Reportedly no one is yet to realise it’s just a scarecrow.

WORKER LOSES KEYS, DECONSTRUCTS UCSA BUILDING TO FIND THEM

Like Totally Fake News

The construction of the UCSA’s new building, named ‘HaereRoa’, has taken a step backward today as much of it had to be deconstructed to find a set of keys. The deconstruction of Haere-Roa began after one worker noticed that his personal set of keys were missing. “I just tapped my pocket and couldn’t feel anything, I thought ‘blimey, my keys have disappeared!’” Thankfully after the deconstruction of the site, the keys were discovered underneath the foundations. Despite the delay, the building is expected to open on schedule, in the year 3048.

CLUB PROMOTER PROFILING THE BEST CLUBS AND CLUB EVENTS ON CAMPUS

ENTRÉ

B UL C

The $85K Start-Up Challenge is Entré’s premier competition in which $85K worth of prizes are up for grabs. Entrants go through the process of developing a business idea, whether it be a product or service, forprofit or a charity, and receive business world experience as well as invaluable guidance and mentoring from industry professionals. The $85k start-up competition is for everyone and anyone. No matter what you study or how much experience you have in entrepreneurship, this competition will help you develop your personal and professional skills in more ways than you can imagine! Want to know more about the competition or enter? Head along to www.entre.co.nz/85kchallenge

RETOMORP For regular updates follow on: Facebook at ‘Entré Canterbury’ Instagram at ‘entre.chch’

The Investment Society The Investment Society was established in 2014 with the aim of educating young people in investments as well as providing general financial literacy. Since being awarded â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;best new clubâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; by the UCSA upon inception, we have branched out from just investing workshops to competitions, academic tutorials, social events, career events, and much more. Search UC Investment Society on FB for more details!

UC Red As part of the wider International Red Cross and Red Crescent UC Redâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s mission is to improve the lives of vulnerable people by mobilizing the power of humanity and enhancing community resilience. We have seven fundamental principles that guide us in all that we do which are: Humanity, Impartiality, Neutrality, Independence, Voluntary Service, Unity, and Universality. If you want to learn what the New Zealand Red Cross is all about, UC Red has got you covered!

UC Orienteering Club At UCOC our main focus is promoting the sport of orienteering in the community, but we're also into other outdoor adventure sports like adventure racing and mountain/trail running. We offer regular training and opportunities to race, and support athletes performing at national and international level competition. Anyone is welcome whether you're a keen runner or have a knack for navigation, or if you know nothing of the sport at all and want to try something new. We're a brand-new club here at UC and are keen to introduce the sport to new people and help grow the sport and make it more well known.

BEN APPETIT

LB & CO ESPRESSO

N E B TITEPPA BY: BEN O’CONNELL

You know those National voting, scarf wearing, too good for Mono type postgrads? The ones with money? And aspirations for their bright futures? Well, I emulated their energy when (alongside my good friend Molly) visited the café on the corner of Ilam and Creyke. Spoiler alert: it rivals Café 101 and Nuts + Bolts for the place as my favourite place to eat in or around campus. Welcome to Ben Appetit, the food critic column that gives me a reason to call the UCSA my sugar daddy. This week, I branched out and visited LB & Co Espresso.

N E B TITEPPA

This is before and after brought to you by the shame I'm riddled with for leaving so much food behind. Should I lose my role as food critic on this alone? Big if ture

Maybe a disclaimer is in order because this isn’t on campus and is a well-established café. Unlike those on campus, the general public are the customers, and the blanket of being UC user-friendly is lifted. They’re indeed stand alone and are open from 7am-5pm every day. Cut me some slack, there are only so many places to eat at... For $33.50 Molly and I had a large mocha, a “gringo” salted caramel shake, a salmon frittata, and a cashew roast vegetable cream cheese cannelloni wrap. One thing I enjoy about uni food places is how frugal students are; I have no idea about individual prices because prices weren’t signposted. Kind of devious, kind of weird, but also kind of entrepreneurial?! I likely would’ve got a lot more food if prices were shown (and maybe if it was cheaper).

LB & Co is an establishment. Imagine the voice of a thin, gesticulate, overdramatic white boy. This is an ESTABLISHMENT. It is fancy (for my third-year student standards). There was a ‘people come here after their morning walk with the kids’ vibe.

Maybe this is because people come there after their morning walks with their kids. We were there at 10:30am in a Saturday no doubt. Hillsong acoustic covers and early era Taylor Swift played into café topping off its unabashedly sophisticated energy.

The salted caramel shake was rather big and came garnished with a whole Buzz bar (what the heck). The ‘gringo’ name had me suddenly swept back to the ECON228 South America trip, which was an unwelcome flashback. I had like two sips and I still felt it the next day! Otherwise, I sincerely could’ve made it at home. They did put a blue stripe paper straw and mason jar and cream on top to warrant the fact we paid five dollars more than we needed to for it, though. Can’t do that from the comfort of my own home! The mocha was a mocha. There was a good chocolate-to-coffee ratio. Is it heterosexual pride how cafés always make sure to include one pink and one white marshmallow with hot chocolate drinks? All signs point to yes.

ShapeThe salmon frittata was (as it says in my notes) “fucking good eating”. It was nicely layered, rich and flavourful, and came with more Pams™ tomato relish than I could poke my sorry silverware at. The food was so rich I didn’t eat until dinner, when I had over twenty feijoas from the garden. Here’s Molly’s two cents on the cannelloni, which I strongly agree with: “The cannelloni is just an enchilada but I’m unsure if that’s just what cannelloni is? Either way, it’s very creamy, which I would attribute to the cream cheese. The roast vegetables inside were a bit sparse, it was mostly cream cheese with some cashews. The tortilla was nice and crispy and not soggy in the slightest, impressed.” This might be a hot take, or a controversial opinion, but on the special occasion where full marks are given, I present to you an OG scale.

10/10 BENS.

CANTA put the call out the to students of UC to share their works of art with us. We were pleasantly surprised when students actually did. We got sent heaps of examples of art. (Some were terrible examples, but examples nonetheless.)

Anyway, we've tried to waste as many pages in the magazine as possible with your art. So here you go, hope you enjoy xx

ARTWORK BY Courtney Hale Sam Dunbar Instagram: @up3d_arts Jessikah Erceg Instagram: @itsmessycat Daniel Brady Eila Black Ebony Dixon Amelia Rolfe Iva Vukovic Instagram: @metal_platy_studios Caitlin Bonnar Talisker Scott Hunter Emily Molloy Robert Sewell Jacob Root Instagram: @distrangeddesign

This issueâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s F LAT FAMOUS has scored drinks, food, at the Fox & Ferret! Want your fla t featured in CANTA? Email canta.e ditor@gmail.c om

FLAT FAMOUS

ROCHESTER & RUTHERFORD

PHOTOS BY: JAVA KATZUR Welcome to the Rochester and Rutherford Tutor flats. Where six “adults” provide pastoral care for 190 freshers who think they can drink. First, there’s Will “I’m the President LAWSOC” Chambers. Did you know Will is the president of LAWSOC? We’re surprised he has enough time to manage this considering he still volunteers as Deputy Head Boy at St Bede’s. Will is often found at meals talking to the freshers about how much he admires the Green Party of Aotearoa, but wishes they were further left. When he isn’t out playing golf, Will spends his time lobbying the City Council to build more cycleways. Tori “I’m a justice fighter” McNoe is the dark horse tutor, known for her excessive eating habits. As UCSA Vice President you may be mistaken for thinking she is interesting and smart, but in reality, she studies criminal justice. Tori takes after her role model Winston Peters: she’s nearly at the top, but not quite; she’s bi-culturally competent, and she refuses to fuck off. Millie “super-tutor” Morgan likes to flaunt her fitspo-ness. She did the F45 8-week challenge at the beginning of the year and insists the menu included three hot chocolates a day. Millie sleeps only three hours per night, leading us

to believe the reason she gets up so early is for more hot chocolate. If you didn’t realise, she likes hot chocolates. Millie vows to stay on the UCSA for as long as it takes to ensure the new campus RecCentre is an F45. Cait “skrrrrr” Dowden is the youngest tutor. We weren't really sure what to write about Cait. On the rare occasions when she's actually at the hall (and not at home in 'Auckland') she's either laughing at her own un-funny story, accidentally locking people in the Chapel or asking the rest of us what she's actually supposed to be doing. Cam “keyboard activist” Eade is known by the students as the scary tutor and is quite probably the most heterosexual of the bunch. Standing at an imposing 6’4”, Cam loves nothing more than watching men's sport and complaining about Taxinda. A little-known fact about Cam is that he used to live in Copenhagen, something he loves to talk about over a tall glass of ice-cold Pinot Noir. Harry “I go to all lectures” Beaumont, aged 27, is the oldest and most responsible of the group. When he isn’t taking care of his beloved freshers, he can be found sliding down mountains, riding over mountains, climbing up mountains or talking about mountains. You may get the picture that Harry is a rugged, outdoorsy, masculine tutor. But don’t be fooled – Harry shaves his legs.

SCREEN

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TO CLAIM YOURS

Cannabis? More like “Cann-a-have-a-puff-of-that-biz...nis” It is no secret Kiwis love a quiet pint (or eleven) on a Friday arvo. It’s also no secret alcohol use is directly linked to: cancer throughout the body, liver damage, anaemia, brain damage, nerve damage, sexual problems, violence, sexual violence, inflammation of the stomach, high blood pressure, and even more fucked-up shit. It’s also no secret approximately 25% of Kiwis who drink have a potentially hazardous drinking problem. Another thing that isn’t a secret? Kiwis are extraordinarily fond of wacky-backy... jazz lettuce... the broccoli of Baphomet... Cannabis! One last non-secret: while alcohol abuse disorders alone are estimated to have killed over 184,000 people worldwide in 2017, not a single death has been caused by a ‘cannabis abuse disorder’.

FOR AGAI

In order to help understand why, let’s compare the relative lethal doses. Alcohol has a lethal dose of between 5 and 8g per kg of bodyweight, meaning 300g of alcohol could kill a 60kg person (30 standards, or four bottles of wine). On the other hand, it has been estimated one would need to consume approx. 15,000 lbs of cannabis within 15 minutes to achieve a lethal dose. Bahahahahahahah - I’m not actually laughing. These are tears of despair at the absurd tolerance our society has for alcohol, while cannabis legalisation drives binge-drinking and mentally unstable prohibition puppets - sorry, “respectable voting citizens” - to paroxysms of Hoskingesque “think of the children” appeals to some greater moral disaster that might befall us, should we embrace harm-reduction techniques in prohibition-ending legislation. With legalisation on the horizon perhaps we’ll see a paradigmatic shift on both sides, from the hypocritical and alcoholic Parliamentary non-condoning of cannabis use, to a more open and honest, highlevel discussion about relative harms and appropriate responses. Did you know, the very first legislation passed was legislation enabling the consumption of liquor in Auckland’s Parliament buildings? A true and wild fact which could contextualise 1984’s “schnapps election” somewhat. Normalise personal cannabis use. Consume without shame. Abstain from government sanctioned depressants with me this Dry July, and help me reach my $420 goal to give to cancer patients at tinyurl.com/DryAsher. For info/stats on drugs such as cannabis and alcohol, check out the NZ Drug Foundation website. If you think your drug use is causing problems, seek professional help. Doing drugs is not a virtue. Asher Etherington BudSoc UC

CANT

CANTA DISCUSSE

OR & AINST

There is little doubt that the general consensus amongst University students is that cannabis should be legalized for recreational use. I will address the arguments for and against concerning raising taxes, and the effects of decimalization. Firstly, the argument goes that taxing legal cannabis sales can be a great source of tax revenue, but that’s complete nonsense. The excise tax in NZ for every durry is 83 cents. You know how much we can fine for people for possessing cannabis? $500. If we put a similar excise tax on cannabis instead of just fining them $500, we would be cutting our revenue 600-fold. That’s ridiculous. Don’t even @ me with rational counter-arguments. The other side will say we shouldn’t be putting people in jail for growing and selling cannabis because it’s a harmless drug, and that its hypocritical to ban pot when compared to the harmful effects of alcohol. The fact is that I read one article online that matched my narrative, and it said that cannabis is bad for the brain, lungs and heart. Also, smoking cannabis increases the risk of mental health issues like schizophrenia and depression. The proposed referendum could legalize the sale of cannabis to people 20 years of age, but pot is especially harmful to people under the age of 25; just look at the people doing commerce or literally anyone at Lincoln. So why do we criminalize cannabis when alcohol is legal? Here’s the tea folks; alcohol is a drug and a poison. The concept isn’t new to anyone, but real talk; alcohol is the number one reason why there is a rape culture at universities. It’s not about toxic masculinity, it’s that inhibitions get thrown out of the window when people become under the influence of drugs. So, should cannabis stay banned? Yeap. Should alcohol also be banned even though its ingrained into university culture? You betcha. To conclude, I’m a really fun guy at flat parties. Anon

TABIS

USSES CANNABIS

NEW ZEALAND POLITICS Fees Free Funding During the last election in 2017, one of the core Labour Party policies was ‘fees free’. The idea was that folks going into their first year of tertiary study would have their education paid for by the taxpayer rather than themselves. The Treasury department told the government at the time that they should expect an enrolment spike of 15 per cent after the policy was implemented. Yet, the absolute opposite has happened. Due to the lack of enrolments under the fees free plan, the Finance Minister, Grant Robertson, has announced that a total of $197 million that was originally put aside for the fees free initiative would have to be reallocated. Surely the government hasn’t failed to deliver? (Haha, KiwiBuild). It is most likely that the reallocated money will go into vocational education for tradies and craftspeople. The Government has been rather open about its plans to merge the country’s 16 polytechnics into one single entity, meaning ARA/CPIT/whatever

name they are going by this week and Otago Polytechnic would fall under the same umbrella. It is assumed that part of the $197 million would go towards this merger. National has, as usual, attacked the Government, saying that the reallocating of funds shows that Government has its priorities wrong. National’s tertiary education spokesperson, Shane Reti, said “This is another failed flagship policy. We’ve got KiwiBuild and now we have got the fees free flop.” Essentially what this all means is that $197 million of funding is now up for grabs. Surely the government donates it to help finish the new UCSA building or to get better seating in the K1 lecture theatre. Or maybe give the $197 million to teachers and nurses who make very little compared to the gravity of the work they undertake, just a thought. Feesfree still remains one of Labour’s flagship policies. They still plan on extending their fees free policy to two years by 2021 and three free years by 2024.

INTERNATIONAL POLITICS Christchurch Call Summit and Facebook Jacinda Arden and pals met in Paris, France recently to stop the internet? Well kind of… not really. As we all know, the internet can be so helpful. Who doesn’t love citing Wikipedia sources when you are in desperate need of that one last footnote or falling into the deep dark abyss known as Twitter? But at the same time, the internet can be used to spread fake news, extremism and dangerous ideologies. Jacinda Ardern and the French President, Emmanuel Macron, hosted a summit in Paris known as the Christchurch Call to form an agreement that would identify and eliminate terrorist and extremism online. The international summit was launched in response to the Christchurch terrorist attack in mid-March. Representatives of New Zealand, France, Canada, the UK, Ireland, and others were present at the summit in Paris and will adopt the call to action. Australia, Germany, Japan, India, Italy were not present at the

summit but will also adopt the call to action. Tech companies such as Facebook, Twitter, and YouTube have also committed to adopt the changes. One country was notably missing from the Christchurch Call; the United States was not present in any form at the summit. The White House said in a statement that it was not in a position to join the international initiative citing the need for freedom of speech. You’d think that the United States would be in favour of combating terrorism after they invaded Afghanistan and Iraq in 2001 and 2003 respectively under the flimsy excuse of terrorism that has since been refuted. I heard the oil fields there are brilliant from the 7 October 2001 until present day. The United States is still engaged in battles in the Middle East including in Afghanistan. Good job, guys!. Good job, guys!

The plan put forward aims to: - Counter-terrorist and extremist content online. - Establish and ensure effective enforcement of applicable laws. - Invest in technology that improves the capability to detect and remove terrorist and violent extremist content online. - Identifying appropriate action to prevent the use of online services and tools such as livestreaming being used to amplify terrorist and extremist content. The plan set out is not legally enforceable and has no real penalties for non-compliance, but an investor group worth a combined $5 trillion has given it some financial resources. Before the Christchurch Call began, Facebook announced limitations on its streaming feature which was abused during the attack in March. In a statement made by Facebook, users would be blocked from using the Facebook Live feature for an undisclosed period if an individual shared “violating content” such as a statement from a terrorist group without context. The Prime Minister has called this “a good first step”.

Recently, members of the Alabama State legislature voted to outlaw abortion entirely. Any doctor who performs an abortion could face prison for up to 99 years under the new law. The law offers no exception for rape or incest victims. Republican lawmaker and alleged misogynist said, “When God creates the miracle of life inside a woman’s womb, it is not our place as human beings to extinguish that life.” The 1973 Supreme Court decision in Roe v. Wade ruled that access to a safe and legal abortion is a constitutional right. In the past years, several American States have passed abortion laws that don’t negate the precedent in Roe v.

Alabama Abortion Legislation Wade, but severely limit access to abortion clinics; Kentucky, Mississippi, Missouri, North Dakota, South Dakota, and West Virginia all only have one abortion clinic. The legislation in Alabama is designed to challenge the decision in Roe. This bill would give the conservative-leaning Supreme Court, if a majority of justice choose it, the ability to allow other states to completely outlaw abortion. By design, the Alabama legislation will have an effect on women far beyond the border of Alabama.

Political Predictions As articles for CANTA need to be submitted at least a week prior to print, commentary on current events as they happen is near impossible. Nonetheless, in an attempt to seem timely, I am happy to share my political predictions for the next few weeks.

My Political Predictions are: - ScoMo (I was right). - An angry Boomer will write a comment on an NZ Herald article about how entitled millennials are, but will forget that they ruined the housing market and the economy and started multiple wars. - Iranian and American relations will continue to deteriorate. - Trump will tweet something stupid. - Judith Collins.

Overall The State of New Zealand Politics: 2/3 The State of Local Politics: Meh The State of Global Politics: Slightly More Dangerous Than Last Week

If there is anything in particular you’d like to hear about in a future report, or you simply want send your thoughts and comments about this article, use the email editor@ucplos.co.nz to get in touch.

Getting to know U(C) BY KELLY PHILLIPS

Benjamin Seddon-Smith I met Ben in a Laws 101 while explaining to a fellow student that genetically modifying mosquitos had made it possible to eradicate local populations in South America. I said there were concerns this might disrupt some valuable purpose served by the insects. Ben leaned into our conversation at that point and said mosquitos were important pollinators in Siberia. We’ve been friends ever since.

Benjamin Seddon-Smith was born in Bolton, England and came to New Zealand around the age of seven. He grew up in Christchurch where he developed a keen interest in insects and arachnids.

I was amazed a Biology major would punish himself with voluntary Laws courses, but Ben says it’s helpful to understand statutory interpretation when it comes to environmental law.

Nowadays he says there’s a bit of tension at home due to his growing bug collection located in the family freezer. He is currently studying biological analysis, evolutionary genetics, water management, and plant development and physiology.

Our friendship sees us sometimes exchanging late-night texts about insects we’ve captured (night time is perfect for capturing moths, beetles, and slugs). We usually see each other at the annual Biosoc photo competition. Ben was the club’s Treasurer in 2018 and I was a recipient of an award for one of my mushroom photos in 2016. (That year, the categories included “plants, animals and “other” and I won because fungi are in their own kingdom and there weren’t a lot of entries in the “other” category.) I’ve hatched a scheme for Ben and me to mount an expedition down to Fiordland to do in-depth research on the bat-winged fly.

“I always liked spiders and rushed in to save them before my sister could get to them,” he said.

He’s impressed by the thousands of insects here in New Zealand and dedicated to saving them through habitat preservation. Last year he had to pin and label various species of local insects and he taught me the proper way to do this. I later scandalised him by using a sewing needle to pin a rather handsome specimen of beetle I found. With his dedication and passion, I expect to see great things from Ben in the future. Also, please keep an eye out for our forthcoming masterpiece on the habitat and habits of the bat-winged fly.

“We could become world-famous bugologists,” I said. “It’s entomologists,” he said.

GIG GUIDE Space Academy

The Darkroom

May 29. The Schizophonics – Chch Charity Show!

May 31. Screaming Females

$10 @ Door

Blue Smoke

$28 at Undertheradar

The Darkroom

June 6th. Injury Reserve - Aus & NZ tour

$38 at justtheticketnz

June 14th - Fools Know More and Two Bishop Cult

$15 @ Door

A FEW

NOTES

BY: LEWIS HOBAN

I don’t know what a Last.FM is and I’m afraid to ask

TYLER THE CREATOR - Igor

So last issue we covered the new Mac DeMarco album and how the dude has unwillingly become the poster child for the perturbed indie kids who squabble with each other in closed Facebook groups. If you travelled back five years in time and grabbed any random jabroni off the street by the shoulders, telling them that Tyler the Creator – at that point a horrorcore wunderkind who’s banned from New Zealand for profanity – would become and industry darling, you’d get punched in the face. But lo and behold, the absolute mad lad went and released “Scum Fuck Flower Boy”, admittedly on of the best albums of 2017, winning the adoration of Top 40-adjacent quirky kids all over the music sphere. Then he did the soundtrack for the new Grinch movie, which I’m honestly still middling over. It could just be Tyler’s adherent proficiency for taking the piss that motivated him to go down the avenue of doing an OST for a Doctor Seuss classic for sheer meme value. To the point, Tyler has once again come out of nowhere and has given us “IGOR”. Being perfectly honest, it would always be difficult to follow the goliathan success that came with Flower Boy. Whatever Tyler could give us would absolutely always fail in comparison. With that disclaimer out of the way, “IGOR” is thematically closer to an spiked Frank Ocean album, with the tracks sparkling with an elegant pussyfoot sheen. In a way it’s all very light-hearted and optimistic, a glitterball of synths and such, until you get to the cathartic lyrical

content. Now, Tyler has always been a bit of a self-proclaimed hedonistic nihilist, this is nothing that new. But since “Flower Boy” and the subsequent deep-dives as listeners and critics alike tried to figure out if he was coming out of the closet or not, we’ve been hypercritical when Tyler so much as coughs. As an English major, who’s on his way to get a piece of paper saying he’s qualified to find meaning that isn’t there, ol’ Tron Cat is just embracing himself more and more. He hardly raps, spending most of the album drawling in an unnatural falsetto or drowning it in garbled effects. It spends most of the duration in the clouds, and when it goes hard, it goes for more of a backhand than a face punch. As said by the Creator himself, quoted verbatim since I couldn’t put it better myself; “Don’t go into this expecting a rap album. Don’t go into this expecting any album. Just go, jump into it. I believe the first listen works best all the way through, no skips. Front to back. No distractions either. No checking your phone no watching TV no holding convo, full attention towards the sounds where you can form your own opinions and feelings towards the album. Some go on walks, some drive, some lay in bed and sponge it all up. Whatever it is you choose, fully indulge. With volume.”

all you needed to make music was a few instruments and a smidge of studio production. This notation comes from a good place, seeing as how so much of the Top 40 feels like an auditory multi-layer cake that was left in the oven a bit too long, but tends to be received as equally as an old-timer muttering about the price of gas. Regardless, this brother-led band of catchy dream-pop rompers from the Isle of Wight (that little plop near the bottom of the English mainland) pride themselves on having built their own analogue studio to record this. Is the difference noticeable or is it virtually the same as those dudes who claim vinyl records vibrate at a different frequency? Only one way to find out, and that’s to listen for yourself.

RYAN POLLIE Ryan Pollie

PLASTIC MERMAIDS - Suddenly Everyone Explodes In this modern age of bleep-bloopy machines and spooky autotune, artists typically get high marks when they harken back to the good ol days when

Formerly known by the indelibly indieish moniker of ‘Los Angeles Police Department’, under which he released equably ostensible indie pop, Pollie is back, shedding his stage name and getting deeply personal with an emotionally vulnerable tone. Some people like listening to sad music quite a lot. I try to avoid it when I can, seeing as how I’m already sad enough of a human being as it is. And as melodic and surface-level-pleasant that Pollie’s new album might sound, I’m gonna opt to give it a wide berth, as I did with Tobias Jesso Jr.’s “Goon”, even though both are fantastic. Because I know that if I’m not in optimum headspace I’ll start thinking about ones that got away and roads not taken, and they’ll just shatter me.

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SEX AND CANDY M O R E

T H A N

Being desired is pretty cool. To feel sexy, in a sense, is to feel powerful, and as someone with those pesky little abandonment issues, I get off on that power. Because, what am I if I’m not fuckable, right? This attitude has unfortunately characterised my relationship with sex for the duration of my sexual career; I have skipped from relationship to relationship out of fear of not being wanted; I have often operated in open relationships so I still feel wanted by people that I’m not romantically involved with; and I struggle to move on from a partner unless I was the one who ended things, and so not compromising my desirability in that persons eyes. I guess if I’m not wanted by other people I feel boring or something, as if I have nothing to offer unless I’m on my knees.

J U S T

F U C KA B L E

The past couple of months have been filled with change. I stopped drinking (just reached 30 days and I’d like my chip, please), I started exercising more (ugh) and I stopped having sex (almost… I fucked up a little and slept with my ex last week but you live and you learn, don’t judge me). As someone who believes they would function best with at least two orgasms per day, a sexless life is a nightmare, but a necessary one at that. I need to retrain my brain until the message gets through that I. AM. MORE. THAN. JUST. FUCKABLE!!! Which is so true, because I am also needy, slightly unstable and probably a future addict. No, but seriously. I’m pretty smart, and an okay writer, and a good friend. I can be funny, and compassionate, and driven. I’m kind, and despite the selfdeprecating humour, there are a lot of things I value about myself. But, I am also deeply afraid that people will leave me, and I use sex to combat this feeling. If they’re fucking me, at least I’m worth

something in their life. If they don’t want to fuck me anymore, it triggers feelings of worthlessness. Rinse and repeat. So, to get over this, I’m trying to focus my energy on building more relationships where sex isn’t the most important thing I have to offer. Instead, I want to become someone who I ( and other people) would want to be around. I have to be around me all the time anyway, and it’s kind of exhausting hating yourself, and it’s not like I’m getting laid so what else am I supposed to do? What better time than now to reverse years of internalised sexism and trauma that tells me I am nothing more than an object and my selfworth should lie in my ability to make someone come! Basically, what I’m trying to say is that everyone should stop having sex and love themselves and use sex toys and we’re all more than holes to be fucked. PSA. You’re welcome. Wish me luck

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RAWING MEG B O D Y

I M A G E ,

Let’s start off with the absolute rubbish reference all health professionals like to use – BMI, Body Mass Index (or, as I like to call it, a Bloody Miserable Integer). Developed in Belgium in the 1800s, the BMI was introduced and rolled-out as a form of measuring human body weight and height that was meant to only be used for population – not individual – comparisons. Over time, it has become the default in many medical practices to determine whether someone is of a “healthy” or “unhealthy” weight for their height – failing to take into account an individual’s age, sex, ethnicity, musclemass, bone-density, or genetics. There is such a large number who would be classified as “overweight” or even “obese” on the BMI scale, but I don’t think that anyone would use such terms when describing tennis ace Serena Williams, the All Blacks, or Chris Hemsworth (aka. Thor). This leads me on to the topic of feeling good in yourself. Contrary to what social media and society dominantly portray, bad body image and lacking body confidence is not something exempt from the male population. We are constantly fixated with the idea of being better, and while this doesn’t appear bad on paper, when applied to our looks or satisfaction about ourselves, it soon turns into fairly big shitstorm that will lead you nowhere good. For years I chased the ‘perfect’ body, but then I realised that even the body I was chasing, ended up wishing they were someone else. The body I craved changed its shape in my head in accordance to societal trends and modern fashion. A harsh dose of reality was certainly slapped in my face. Why the heck should we spend our time hating the way we look, longing

B M I

A N D

F E E L I N ’

for changes and adjustments that are either unhealthy or impossible? What has our body done to us that deserves it to be treated like absolute scum? Do you think people are looking and thinking about what you look like? Do you think that any decent person is going to say ‘yes’ to a date due to the size of your waist or how defined your abs are? I’ll answer these for you – GOD NO. Want a few tips on how to begin to heal your relationship with your body and start feelin’ yo’self? (heads out of the gutter guys…)

- Find worth in your life beyond your physical appearance. Dive into that pottery or cooking fetish, learn more about your flatties beyond their first name and degree, pick up one of your textbooks and actually give studying a crack, give exercise a crack where the goal isn’t to burn calories and sweat the self-hatred away. - Realise that no amount of weight loss or muscle gain will end the negative feelings and horrid self-talk you have about yourself. - If your partner makes you feel shit about your body, or comments negatively about your appearance, or

Y O ’ S E L F

fails to see who you are beyond your physical assets – ditch them, no one needs or deserves that sort of shit in their life. - Begin to talk about your body in the same way you’d talk about best mate’s – would you say all of the digs and nasty comments about your body to them? I don’t think so. - You don’t need to turn all #bodypositive – but rather realise that there is so much more to you that the size of your thighs or muscle definition, there is nothing wrong with being body neutral. Mental Illness Myth-buster: You can exercise and spot reduce those areas you don’t like Whether you perceive your thighs, tum, bum, or arms to be the issue with how your body looks, I’m sorry to be the one to break it to you – but there is no golden amount of crunches you can do to get you ripped abs, nor can you donkey kick your way to a perky bum. Your body has a genetic predisposition in the structure and look it will naturally have, and if it isn’t in your genes, it’s going to be damn hard to make it happen. You should really think about the reasons as to why you believe you need to change the way you look – and hopefully come to the conclusion that it is not the body that needs to change, but rather your perception of it and the belief that there is something wrong with it. Rawing Meg Instagram: @rawingmeg Email: rawingmeg@gmail.com Website: www.rawingmeg.wixsite.com/ hearmeraw

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NGAIRE KNOWS BEST W H Y

A R T

Dear CANTA, I hate arts and crafts. I HATE THEM. What are they good for? NOTHING. They’re a waste of time and money and they’ve made young people soft, fat and weak as piss. YOU COULD BE OUT GETTING A JOB. OR BRINGING IN MY RUBBISH BINS MAYBE. Or gosh I don’t know, how about that awful Chlöe Swarsbrick girl doing something worthwhile and leaving my BEAUTIFUL Paula Bennett alone? But no. NO! YOUR PLASTICBAG-RACIST GENERATION ARE OFF MINCING AROUND AND FANNYING ABOUT WITH HOMOSEXUALS ON THE TELLY, BEING ENTITLED AND WRITING TWEETS.  People are now telling me it’s a job to lie about using products on Instagram and call yourself an influencer? HONESTLY. Your generation makes me sick. That is EXACTLY what the lefties want, distract you with propaganda then BAM the commies are all in government and I can’t buy milk or

I S

H O R R I B L E

T H I N G !

eggs at the greengrocers. I know how this works; I listen to Mike Hosking on the wireless. AND why can’t I smoke in the pub anymore?! EVERYONE KNOWS A DURRIE IS BEST ENJOYED INDOORS WITH A LOVELY HOUSE WHITE WINE. The world has gone bad. Men can wear dresses and women can have short hair but I can’t share a ciggie with Moira at The Tavern? Piss off. Nowadays everyone’s feelings are hurt and nobody does any work. Oh, your lot you make me sick. Not sick enough to die mind you, that’d be asking FAR too much.  Flower arranging is for queers, finger painting is for specials, only lesbians can do ceramics and the arts have RUINED everything.  Go fuck yourselves. All my love, Grandma Ngaire

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DEPT OF SPIRITUAL ENGINEERING H O W

T O

F I N D

I was sitting next to this young guy at the airport a few weeks back. I asked him what he did for a living. “My parents said I needed to go to uni, so I did a marketing degree.” “Did you want to do marketing?” “Not really. And after getting the degree I still didn’t know what I wanted to do. So now I’m just finishing my masters in marketing.” There was one of those long silent pauses as we both reflected on how cruel the mistress of education can be. “Feeling any clearer now on what’s next?” I asked. “Nope.” And then laughed in that manic way people do when they realise they’ve spent the last 5 years learning about rebranding and SWOT analysis for no good reason. “Maybe, when I go overseas and get some money, things will make sense.” he added optimistically. The guy obviously had a bad case of “what-amI-doing-with-my-life-itis”.   “OK,” I asked, “so what breaks your heart?”. He looked at me confused, like I was some kind of Golden Bay hippie.   “Ummm, nothing.”   So, I tried another angle. “What are you passionate about then?”   “Nothing really.”   He sure was making this hard going. “Then, what are you talented at? What stuff are you good at?”   “Don’t know. Nothing really comes to mind.”   Just the other day an Engineering student told me a similar story. “I went straight out of high school, into my Engineering degree, then I did my Masters, and now I’m about to move to Auckland for my first job… and yet over all of this time, until now I’ve never stopped to ask myself if I actually want to be an engineer.”   I have conversations like this with students all the time. They’re doing a degree, hoping the purpose and calling of their lives will somehow become clear by graduation, and yet by the end, they can sometimes feel even more

Y O U R

L I F E ’ S

confused than when they started. But it doesn’t have to be that way for you! So, here’s some tips from the Dept of Spiritual Engineering to help you nail down your life’s purpose!   1. Don’t panic!  Very few people I’ve met have nailed down their vocation or life’s purpose before the age of 30. For most of us, it’s a slow, unfolding process. Sometimes it involves getting a degree, trying out a few jobs, having a few crazy experiences, doing some more study – and slowly our sense of purpose begins to emerge. So, if you’re 20 years old and feeling like you’re a bit unsure what you want to do with your life – that’s pretty normal. So, don’t freak out.   2. But don’t be complacent either!  On the other hand, I think a lot of people sort of “outsource” the hard work of discerning their purpose in life, hoping that the university/polytech will do the heavy lifting for us. It won’t. And it shouldn’t! Lots of people just gradually slide into a career path without ever really stopping to ask themselves “But what’s my life’s purpose? Do I just want to make a ton of cash, or is there more to it than that?”. Your university years are the perfect time to be intentional about working out what stuff floats your boat, what difference you want to make in the world, and what stuff you’re good at. For most people, “finding your WHY?” (as in, WHY you get out of bed in the morning) takes effort. So, don’t be lazy. After all, it’s your life that we’re talking about.   3. Find your Sweet Spot!  Frederick Buechner famously said “your vocation in life is where your greatest joy meets the world's greatest need.”  So, a simple way to begin the process of discerning your “Vocation” or “Life’s Purpose” while at uni is to begin trying to answer these three simple questions:   1. What am I passionate about? 2. What am I talented or gifted at? 3. What need in the world breaks my heart?

P U R P O S E

I’m a visual person, and so I visualise these three questions as a sort of overlapping Venn diagram. And chances are, wherever all three of those things overlap for you — or as Captain Planet would say “where your powers combine!” — that is probably where you’ll find your Life’s Purpose emerging out of.   Still unsure? Well to get started, write up three columns under each of those questions and begin to list off your answers as they currently stand. Ask people who know you well if you get stuck. And if you have any questions you don’t yet have any answer for, then maybe you’ll have to do some intentional work in that area.   Whatever way you look at it, uncovering your Life’s Purpose will take time, effort and a willingness to experiment and have fun trying stuff out. So why not get started now? And if you get really stuck, just drop your friendly Uni Chaplain a line (spanky.moore@canterbury.ac.nz), and maybe he’ll be able to help you put some of the pieces together.

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QUEERTIQUETTE R

Let us get one thing clear. My opinion about dating apps is the only one that matters. I’m Kane, and I’ve very suddenly found myself in a position where my thoughts on a particular subject seem somewhat *legit.* Chur, CANTA. Today I’m going to crack on with some yarns about some popular dating apps: Tinder and Grindr. Why? Because who the fuck still uses Hornet? But nah, these apps are the only two I’ve ever used. And let me tell you something; alike myself and MONO, my relationship with each has been turbulent. I used to really dig these apps. Though, lately they really aren’t cutting the mustard. Alright. Grab something to drink and let’s unpack this. I remember when I was a young’un— in fact I think I was 15 on the cusp of turning 16? Gosh. A minor? The scandal. Anyway. At this stage I was pretty confused about my sexuality. I had some questions: Was I bisexual? Gay? Was I actually attracted to men? And if so, what kind of men was I attracted to? After reading article after article and intently viewing just about every trending coming out video on Youtube, I ventured over to the App Store and installed the two apps at hand. The rules were pretty loose on the apps to be fair, which made it all the more comfortable for a very-closeted me to be discreet about things. On tinder, I uploaded a couple of selfies and probably had a super generic caption about how I did UN Youth or some shit. And on Grindr, I didn’t even have a photo. Also, I didn’t message a single soul on it. This year eleven country bumpkin lurked in the shadows of the

early AM hours and an unilluminated bedroom littered with empty cups, undoubtedly previously filled by a carbonated beveráge. A week passed and initially I was pretty stoked with these apps. I’d made some friends, established a greater sense of who I was sexually, and felt myself become a part of the LGBTQIA+ community. Though, I deleted the apps soon after. All booms come to a bust kind of situ. I later reinstalled them when I turned 18. They came in handy (especially during those brisk O-Week evenings, just saying). Anyway, the point is, these apps helped me learn a great deal about myself in terms of my sexuality and my priorities, which I appreciate to this day tenfold. So, what happened to my Tinder and Grindr antics? They came to a right halt for the better part of two years. Lmao. That’s it. Tea. Only a couple of months ago did I stumble back onto the dating app scene, and, in general, it’s lackluster. You can see how invested my gay ass was in creating a Grindr account by checking out the provided pic of my artistic registered email address. In all honesty though, I’ve used the things for non-pg purposes twice. Thoughts? Good in the moment. Not going into more detail on that though ex oh. The most common message I’ve sent is “sorry for the late reply!” Why, you ask? Because the chat is so subpar, dude. I curated some pretty crack up captions on both apps and all I would get in return were pent up phrases like “what are you on here for?” or “can you host?” Also, alongside the “let’s-get-laidness” of it all, I think a part

of why I find these apps so insufferable now is because I don’t need to explore my sexuality anymore. Rather, I’m revisiting these spaces having come into my own. My mind is grown. Now, I’m wanting to surround myself with people who will celebrate Taiwan legalizing gay marriage, who want to go to pride parades, and who can just chill out and have meaningful conversations with me. I feel that through establishing these kinds of relationships I’ll somehow achieve a greater sense of myself in relation to my LGBTQIA+ peers, and, more broadly, the community itself. However, all I’m managing to find are people who make me feel like I need to put “hahaha” at the end of all my sentences. It’s so passé. In sum, I’ve deleted these apps in a huff and a puff. It can be hard figuring yourself out for sure, and, from what I’ve experienced, dating apps can help with that. When I was exploring my identity, they helped answer a lot of questions, and I take to this aspect of them. Now that these questions have been answered though, the apps have lost their novelty. To me, they’re about as dead as disco. Does anyone else feel this way? Oh, and, you may be thinking: “Was the main point of this column for Kane to complain about his cognitively dissonant relationship with dating apps?” No. The main point of this column is in the first two sentences.

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ADVENTURES FROM THE SOUTH

LAKE

DANIELL adventuresftsouth.com

BY: NATHAN JAMES

Lake Daniell is a classic overnight tramp inâ&#x20AC;¯Lewis Pass. It is popular among families with younger kids that enjoy hiking. With the track being well maintained and easy to follow, it makes for a good first overnighter.

It takes approximately three hours to reach the hut according to DOC, the trail takes you through native forest and alongside a winding stream. I would advise bringing a tent if you consider hiking into Lake Daniell over a long weekend. It may be busy over this time and you may find it difficult to find a bed. Be aware that Mason Nicholls Memorial Hut will be closed from the end of April 2019 until February 2020 to allow for a new hut to be built in its place. Instead of staying at the hut bring a tent and camp out close to the lakefront to enjoy this beautiful location.

Location The trail starts from Marble Hill Campsite where there is plenty of car parking off the road. Ensure you take all your valuables with you; Lewis Pass is infamous for valuables being stolen. Insect repellant is essential on this hike to keep those sandflies from biting you. It takes around two-and-a-half hours to reach the carpark from Christchurch according to Google maps.

Journey As it shows on the DOC sign, it takes around three hours to Manson Nicholls Memorial Hut depending on how fast you walk. A good way to keep track of how far you’ve covered is by tracking your hike on your smartphone, it’s 8.4km to the Hut. Sluice Box is the first bridge along the trail where you cross the emerald blue waters of the Maruia River. It only takes five minutes to reach the Sluice Box. From here the forest becomes dense and wild. With the water from the lake flowing right down to the start of the track. It is a beautiful trail for a meander through the forest. The track is smooth with little climbs and descents. There are some smaller points of interest along the way, which make the journey enjoyable. They include a tree which has grown in the shape of a goal post, Troll Bridges, clearings and a number of small waterfalls to admire. At the approximate halfway point of the track, there is a ‘Troll Bridge’ marked with a DOC sign. At the time of walking the track, we were able to spectate a number of native birds including Robins and fantails. The Robins were especially friendly, almost landing on our hiking boots to say hello. Thanks to the efforts of DOC setting up a number of traps along the track, hopefully the numbers of native birds in the area will continue to increase.

Lake Daniell Lake Daniell itself is a large lake in the middle of the forest. The first view of the lake comes through the trees. It’s another 10 minutes to Manson Memorial Hut. Looking towards the lake there is a small jetty that makes for some picturesque photos. There is even a number of trout that swim in the lake. You are able to fish at the lake between 1st October through until the 30th of April. You can find more information on fishing at Lake Daniell on NZ Fishing. The water is incredibly clear. Later in the evening, there were a number of eels that come out. Sitting on the edge of the jetty is definitely the best spot to watch the sunset. The lake does, unfortunately, attract a number of sand flies when it is damp and warm. Make sure you put on plenty of insect repellant before leaving the hut!

Summary Lake Daniell is a jewel in the forest that is perfect for a family first overnight hike. It is popular amongst those both on the West Coast and the east, especially over public holidays. If you ever go then make sure that you also bring a tent or tarp to camp out under. It does not require a high level of fitness if you do only have a shorter amount of time it is easy enough to complete within a day.

adventuresftsouth.com

PRESENTS

L U C K Y O N E After chewing the director of lucky dips ear off for consecutive mono’s I finally got around to getting set up on a date. A meal at a restaurant, a couple drinks and the potential to scrape the bottom of the conversation barrel sounds like a bit more exciting than a standard Wednesday night shift in Puaka James Height. If I learnt anything from the Southland Stags 2009 NPC season it’s that preparation is key. Therefore, the morning of my date I went into town to tidy up the lid and get a heccy fade. Looking fresh and feeling shlick I jumped in the car with a few of the boys and sent it straight to Barretta where the date was located. As we pulled up, just down the street from Barretta there was a girl who had just been dropped off in a taxi and was making her way towards the restaurant. Showleee that’s her, she’d get it for sure, I remarked to my fellow passengers who in turn nodded their heads in agreement. however, when I walked into the restaurant and got told where I would be seating, I realized that she wasn’t there. Allgood I thought, may as well park up, assess the menu and wait. As I looked around the restaurant, I realised that this establishment which also famously transforms on the weekends into one of the garden city’s premier nightclubs was quite classy and full of baby boomers. I felt more out of place than a post grad at mono. I wasn’t waiting for long until the same girl from outside came charging towards me with the waiter. After getting the formalities out of the way I found out that she was 21 years old, from Christchurch studying Law after a couple of years working. After talking for a short while longer she admitted that she didn’t know where my home city of Invercargill was. Considering that Invercargill Is the 3rd largest South Island city, home of a mayor who loves a beug, is the gateway to places such as Stewart Island,

S I D E

fiordland, the Catlins and Queenstown/ Wanaka just to name a few, as well as holding the Ranfurly shield for the longest time in NPC history and just all round being one of the greatest places in New Zealand I was quite shocked. Luckily this revelation was merely a speed bump, not a roadblock and the topic was quickly shifted to away from my home city and towards the menu. The food was unreal, if not a bit too much which was mean cause I took it home in a doggy bag and ate it for lunch the next day cheehoo. The night progressed and the Tab ran out but neither of us were keen to end the night. Luckily my dates studylink came through that night and insisted to pay for the next round. By this stage we had both worked up a pretty good head of steam so a few rounds later by the time the restaurant was closing I was fairly chopped. the taxi arrived a bit earlier than expected meaning that we had to quickly delete our newly bought drinks. As we made our way through the restaurant towards the taxi, I felt a familiar feeling in my stomach from when too much liquid is consumed at too great a velocity. Not here, not now, surely not I thought to myself as I made the textbook excuse of needing to go to the toilet to my date. As I stormed into the wharepaku I knew that the timing and accuracy of the next few seconds would be crucial components in ensuring the success of the night ahead. Sure enough the chunder was clinical and quick and next thing I know I was back in the taxi with my date. After a short stop off at her local pub for a couple more drinks we were back in the taxi and heading back to my flat. Not the direction I expected the date to take when I woke up that morning, but I certainly wasn’t complaining. Shot Canta for setting up a ka pai night.

Want a BARETTA dinner, drinks and a chance to shoot your shot in LUCKY DIP? Email canta.editor@gmail.com

D I P LUCKY DIP IS PRINTED AS SUBMITTED, WITHOUT PROOFING

O T H E R What I thought was going to be an awkward night or a good gag at most, turned out to leave me with a nasty hangover, ripped pants, stained shirt, sad bank account and a broken phone. To say I was pretty shit scared beforehand would be an understatement, so naturally I popped by my local pub for a few drinks before the date. Ended up a little pissed and still a whole lot nervous. When I arrived, I realised I knew the bartender which eased me a little, he nicely walked me over to my date and I was pleasantly surprised. Standing a whole foot taller than me at a hot 6’3, being pretty much my type of guy, I happily embraced him in an awkward hug. Me being me, some of the first words out of my mouth were “sorry, I’m a bit pissed”. Luckily, we were on the same page about alcohol and he was also less than sober. We started off with another drink and had a look at the menu. Unfortunately, I’m a bit of a mess and don’t know how to order food properly, much to my distress, neither did he, so we had to get a little help from the waiter. At this stage, drinks were being chopped down like no

S I D E

tomorrow, he was eating my pizza crusts for me (fell in love about now) and chat was flowing pretty easily. By this time the bar was closing, but we decided to keep the night going and went down to my local, but not before my date decided he needed to have a cheeky vom in the bathroom first. From here, unfortunately I don’t remember a whole lot, but I did get in trouble the next time I went back to the pub so apparently, I wasn’t on my best behaviour (sorry to my date). Luckily for me though, the night still went on and we went back to his flat. When we stumbled in the door, there were about 10 of his mates sitting in the living room, oh happy days. After I apparently made myself a cup of coffee, I proceeded to interrogate his friends. Nice one. All above all, the night ended with a ‘bang’ and was a lot of fun. We had a few outfit changes through the night, which I’m not quite sure why, but just have to say, him wearing a vest with nothing else on, walking through the backyard during a midnight frost was a sight to see. Definitely keen on seeing him again, even just for a good night on the piss again or whatnot.

HAPPYENDING

C A N TA’ S 4 2 0 T H O U G H T Skeletons are wet PISCES

ARIES

(Jan 20 - Feb 18)

(Feb 19 - Mar 20)

(Mar 21 - Apr 19)

You are not worth a horoscope.

Much like an Aries, chlamydia has a ferocity. Get checked this week.

TAURUS

GEMINI

CANCER

(Apr 20 - May 20)

(May 21 - Jun 20)

(Jun 21 - Jul 22)

One in ten masc lads that walk this campus are gay bottoms.

Course related costs are not for drugs. That’s why you have a job.

Life’s too short to wait half-an-hour in a free sausage sizzle queue.

LEO

VIRGO

LIBRA

(July 23 - Aug 22)

(Aug 23 - Sep 22)

(Sep 23 - Oct 22)

Dying your hair a bright colour is not a personality trait.

When on the phone using your car’s handsfree, everyone around you can hear your conversation.

SCORPIO

SAGITTARIUS

CAP R I CO R N

(Oct 23 - Nov 21)

(Nov 22 - Dec 21)

(Dec 22 - Jan 19)

The urine of a virgin is a highly sought-after ingredient in dark magic... so uhhh... watch out, ya hear?

It’s fucking university. You can do better than a hoodie and stubbies.

The Venn Diagram between “CUBA Membership” and “Passing University” is two distinct circles.

9am lectures aren’t worth it. Mind you, neither is staying up till 2am watching Netflix.

Remember that soiled recyclables are no longer recyclable.

HOROSCOPES

AQUARIUS

This is Joshua's final issue as CANTA Magazines' Editor and Chief. He is off to do bigger and better things... well just things. As a leaving gift, we thought we'd give you a nice collage. It's the least we could do. (Well, we could've done nothing...)

Joshua - you and your selfies will be sorely missed.