CANTA #7 2019 by UCSA

15 JULY 2019

507201

910279

RĀHINA TE

TEKAU MĀ RIMA O HŌNGONGOI

ISSUE

EDITORIAL Kia Ora UC Students! Welcome back to university for Semester 2! Now regardless of whether your exam results delivered good or bad news, a new semester is always an opportunity for a new start. Think positive, happy thoughts. Now while all students have been away gallivanting, CANTA has been undergoing lots and lots of change! A new editor, a website makeover and even a new office, yes CANTA has been hard at work. Found over in the new Haere-Roa (UCSA) building, CANTA has its very own office now! Full of friendly faces, our new office is super accessible and we encourage everyone and anyone to come say hello! I know it feels like a million years since construction started on the Haere-Roa building, but it’s finally here and it’s an incredible new space for students!

CANTA’s new website is a whole lot of awesome! As it’s starting to feature heaps of new content, our new website makes it a whole lot easier to get involved with CANTA. From pitching articles, to getting a flat photoshoot – so much more can be seen and done on our website! Visit canta. co.nz to check it out and get involved. Oh, and we also have an Instagram account now, which officially means we are cool. Go follow @cantamagazine. Please. We need followers. CANTA is also very happy to announce that it has found a new Editor! Over the break the search was on to find a new captain of the HMS CANTA, and we’re proud to announce Sam Mythen as the new editor. You’ll be able to see Sam’s creative leadership fully unleashed in Issue 8, but for now please sit back, relax, and prepare for a whole lot more CANTA this semester! Lots of love, from Guy who’s in charge while they find someone new/CANTA’s digital guy, Liam Donnelly xx

PRESIDENT'S PIECE Kia ora friends, I hope y’all managed to have a good break and you’re all ready to go for Term 3. This week marks a BIG moment in our history. After 8 ½ years without a dedicated student home on campus, Haere-roa is finally here and open for business. Come through and have a looksie. By now, you’ll be well clued up on what the building’s serving up — the new Ngaio Marsh Theatre, for performances from the like of Musoc, Dramasoc, Lawsoc and CMSA (Malaysian Students Association) as well as MONO! The new Foundry Bar and Bentley’s Lounge, the 24/7 social space, the outdoor amphitheater and more! Over the next two weeks, our building is packed with tonnes of Re-Ori events so make sure you get along. Haere-roa’s a place we can all be pretty damn proud of. As majority owners at 51%, we’re the only students’ association in the country to own and operate our own purpose-built complex. However it would not have been possible without the generous support and hardwork of past students and UCSA exec members. UC’s been great to us too, coming to the party with the other 49%. But ultimately it’s the

students’ building, it’s our building, and a place we can call home. This week also marks the launch of the FOUNDRY FEED — a new BYO dish, $5 value menu served up at the new Foundry! Come across the river, armed with your reusable dish and cutlery, swipe your V-Plate, and snag one of the best food deals on campus. Served weekdays from 11:30am with a new menu weekly — check out what’s coming up for the following week on the Foundry FB page every weekend. Our half-AGM’s next Tues in Undercroft 101 at 12pm — as always there’s free food and your chance to win FREE TEA PARTY TICKETS. Also — the hall with the highest proportion of its residents attending also wins their own exclusive free Foundry gig. That’s insane. That’s all for now — enjoy Re-Ori and be sure to come through and check out your brand new building! Aroha nui, Sam

NEWS

BROKEN NEWS

BEN APPETIT: ZYKA INDIAN

FLAT FAMOUS: FLAT 53

LOCAL ACT: SPOTLIGHT

RE-ORI SURVIVAL

HAERE-ROA:HOME TO UC STUDENTS

SPORT SPOTLIGHT: YOGA - REC CENTRE

A FEW NOTES

UCPOLS: POLITICS REPORT

ADVENTURES FROM THE SOUTH

LUCKY DIP

CONTRIBUTORS LIAM DONNELLY

JAVA KATZUR

CONOR JONES

MEGAN NELIS

LIAM STRETCH

HENRY FOUBISTER

BEN Oâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;CONNELL

ASHER ETHERINGTON

KELLY PHILLIPS

SYVAANA AMAI-HANSEN

NATHAN JAMES

KATY HARRIS

LEWIS HOBAN

ABBY ROBERTSON

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR SRETTEL E H T OT ROTIDE Hi there,

Recently on the USCA Noticeboard, a certain student, let’s call him ‘Ray’, has been asking for people to hang out, go to “Thai Friday”, and/ or celebrate the end of term with him. Maybe the most interesting post was when he asked which date night would make the best impression (limousine ride up to the hills, meal on the trams, wine dine + 69 etc.).

LETTER OF THE WEEK

I am left wondering what happened with the date night. Did he and his date hit it off, or did the student body active on Facebook go amiss with their advice? There are so many open ends and I need some resolution. Kind regards,  On the Edge of My Seat Kia Ora Mr My Seat

This is a good point you’re raising, I too would like to know how the date night went. In all honesty I wouldn’t trust the Facebook masses to organize my date night, but hey, he’s clearly got more balls than I. But if I had to organize a date to make the best impression it would be a combination of all the options; a 69 on the tram, followed by a limousine ride with wine, finished off with a nice dinner at a classy restaurant. Possibly with more 69’ing. Thanks, CANTA

< 200 WORDS | LETTERS ARE PRINTED AS SUBMITTED | LETTER OF THE WEEK: $50 BUSH INN FOOD VOUCHER

WHY SO CURIOUS?

F IS FOR FAILURE

RACE TO THE TOP

To whom it may concern,

Dear CANTA

Kia Ora Callum, Canta and Would-be Tower Racers,

I’ve been a student at the University of Canterbury for three years now. I’ve hence walked into central library countless times. I understand the library is often very busy.

Do you have any advice for someone who crashed out of exams terribly? As the semester starts I’m like what the fuck do I do?!? Because I failed basically all my exams and I’m like I can’t be fucked do the papers again. Getting boozed and smashing cones has been significantly more fun than what I currently study so I’m thinking of starting a new degree to find something engaging. What do you think I should do?

How come then, every time I walk into the busy library, nobody is looking at the Curiosity Cabinet! I would like to suggest that we change the name to simply “Cabinet” because despite the library being so busy all the time, there is not one person looking at the contents on display...not so curious, are we… When I asked my friend about it, she said “What’s the curiosity cabinet?” so case in point. Maybe it’s time to face the music and get rid of this not so curious cabinet. Thanks, It’s a Library Not a Museum… Dear Sir/Mam …um …yes …what a plight. Let’s get rid of this disastrous cabinet. Maybe. I dunno. Is this an issue? Thanks, CANTA

The Library Tower Race isn’t a thing anymore because it used to be staffed by the UC Rec Centre and the Library mostly just supplied the venue. After talking with some of the Rec Centre staff they have said it came down to not being able to commit hours of staff time putting on the event again.

Cheers, Commerce is Not My Thing

We do welcome collaboration from student groups and clubs, however, so maybe, just maybe, the Tower Race could be a thing again.

Kia Ora Mr Not My Thing

Juliet, On behalf of UC Library

Okay well, if you enjoy smashing cones and getting boozed then you’re probably never going to find a degree so exciting that you completely forget to get drunk and high. What you have to accept is that you just can’t spend your entire life getting drunk and high, you just actually have to go out and attempt to do productive things.

Kia Ora Juliet

I would, however, maybe suggest a change in degree, that might be a good idea. Think about what you do when your high and/or drunk; do you play lots of games when you’re drinking? Try a Sports Coaching degree. Do you talk lots of shit when you’re high? Try studying Law.

I like your idea of some club collaboration as a means of resurrecting this event, clubs are the best bet. It could certainly become quite an entertaining event if clubs put their own twist on it. Imagine if the tramping club were hosting, and you’d have to go up all the stairs in full tramping gear. Or CUBA was hosting and you somehow had to skateboard up. Gosh, such endless opportunities.

Good luck dumbass, CANTA

Thanks, CANTA

Thank you for providing something we here at CANTA never do, a practical answer to something. Typical excuse though isn’t it? Not enough human resources… I’ve heard that one a million times.

A MINIMUM OF 10% OFF ALL STORE OFFERINGS AT BUSH INN CENTRE, FOR ALL STUDENTS AND STAFF. Produce your university ID to obtain the discounts

late

NEWS SWEN (from left) Vice-Chancellor Professor Cheryl de la Rey with Teaching Award 2019 winners Associate Professor Ashley Garrill (Biological Sciences), Dr Marlène Villenueve (Geological Sciences) and Professor Alessandro Palermo (Civil and Natural Resources Engineering), and Assistant Vice-Chancellor Professor Catherine Moran.

UC CELEBRATES OUTSTANDING TEACHING Infectious enthusiasm for their subject, extensive expertise and engaging teaching methods marked out three University of Canterbury (UC) academics for special recognition on 1 July. Associate Professor Ashley Garrill from Biological Sciences, Professor Alessandro Palermo from Civil and Natural Resources Engineering and Dr Marlène Villenueve from Geological Sciences each received a Teaching Award at the opening ceremony of UC’s Teaching Month. In her address at the event, Tori McNoe, UCSA VicePresident, explored what students think makes a great teacher.

“I don’t have a concise answer to this. Is it knowledge, effective communication or are they just responsible for making sure I go into the world employable? It is all of these things, but for me the most important thing they do is lead. Teachers are some of the most important leaders that students will ever know.” UC Teaching Awards recognise excellence in both undergraduate and graduate teaching and take into account colleagues’ recommendations, student feedback, and high-quality and sustained teaching practices which engage students and promote effective learning appropriate to the subject level and the background of the students. Introduced in 2001, the awards include $1,500 for each winner for teaching-related activities.

UC’s new photography lecturer Conor Clarke joins the Fine Arts department from semester 2. Photo credit: Richard Wotton

ART PHOTOGRAPHER’S JOURNEY FROM BERLIN TO CHRISTCHURCH Ground Water Mirror, on display in the Ilam gallery at the University of Canterbury (UC) School of Fine Arts until 19 July, features work by UC’s new photography lecturer Conor Clarke. Clarke returns to Aotearoa New Zealand after 10 years of working in Berlin. “I travelled there spontaneously to visit a friend from art school, and ended up staying for 10 years,” she says. “Berlin is sticky like that, and at that time, it was really affordable. The photography-art-social scene over there is pretty overwhelming. I found I had to be quite disciplined in terms of what I chose to see or do in order to make time for my own practice.” Originally from Auckland, Clarke sees some parallels between Berlin and her newly adopted city. “Berlin is a city that is permanently under construction. Cranes and shifting earth and lots of potential. Post-quake Christchurch has something of that feeling about it too, but in a different way, of course.” Of Ngāi Tahu, Scottish and Welsh descent, Clarke is interested in attitudes towards nature that evolved during the Romantic era and continue to dominate western ideology, creating a false divide between nature and people. The exhibition features a series of photographs shot on medium-format analogue film with a Mamiya RZ67 that

contribute to a wider project involving video and sound. “I’m interested in learned cultural associations and definitions that mediate our experience of the real, physical world, and why this is problematic in times of climate crisis in its positioning of nature in opposition to ourselves,” she says. The exhibition is part of a body of work called Ground Water Mirror that originated in Berlin “over a conversation about the flavour of blue ice cream”, and evolved during a fivemonth residency in Whanganui. “I tried to avoid applying any preconceived concept or rigid visual aesthetic as I have in the past, especially in my approach to Whanganui. The result is a seemingly scattered array of subjects, but with motifs that repeat throughout including mountain peaks, waterfalls, waterbodies, black sand and chains – all highly valued typologies in nature, except the latter, a reference to the surveyor’s chain. “I draw similarities between contemplation of the natural world as a solution to urban life, as well as its evaluation as a natural resource. The project is essentially about the concept of nature and the act of looking at it.” Clarke starts at UC ready for Semester 2 of 2019 and is most looking forward to “being able to talk about photography all day!”

CANTA’S

BROKEN NEWS UC NEVER ON STUFF.CO.NZ LIKE OTHER BAD-ASS, EDGY UNIS The University of Canterbury is facing an identity crisis, as it grapples with the fact it’s never the subject of a bad-ass story on Stuff.co.nz. Students at the university are concerned their tertiary institution is not providing them with a bad enough reputation. “I did all this study, only to have people reply ‘oh cool’ when I tell them what uni I went too,” one student said. From several accounts, the student body was concerned a lack of coverage of their university would mean people may not make assumptions about their personality. “I want people to be like ‘woah, you must be such an animal’ when I tell them I went to UC,” a Law student named Billy said.

Winning art auction painting potentially made with poo A charity art auction has potentially made thousands of dollars out of a poo mural. The charity art auction was held late last semester, and one auction item is raising eyebrows after reports that it is made from poo. The piece in question was sold for thousands of dollars and was a hotly anticipated auction on the night. Despite repetitive pink eye, the auction’s winner is reportedly ‘elated’ with his purchase.

Airbnb to take over UCSA Noticeboard Due to an excessive number of ‘rooms for rent’ on UCSA Noticeboard, an American based company has acquired the rights to the Facebook group. Airbnb first entered the New Zealand market back in early 2018, and has been interested in gaining ownership of the UCSA Noticeboard ever since – after realising 90 per cent of content in the group is just people trying to pawn off their rentals. “This is a major step forward for our company,” an Airbnb spokesperson said. “This will not only triple our New Zealand rentals but will also introduce our customer base to a whole new lower class of options!”

LOCAL BOOKSTORE NOW STOCKS TWILIGHT SERIES In an attempt to revive the popularity of books, one local bookstore is re-stocking the Twilight series. By re-stocking one of the most popular book series of the 00s, the bookstore is hoping to attract new customers. “Are you a twi-hard? A team Jacob or a team Edward?

Well, you will be soon! Come on down to our bookstore to discover your passion for vampire/werewolf/human love triangles,” a bookstore representative stated. The bookstore is expected to utilize former Twilight fans – who are now all mothers, furries, or twinks.

Boyfriend won’t eat ass but will do a shoey Heterosexual women across the country are reportedly being deprived of their human rights after it was revealed that the large majority of male partners won’t eat ass. The discovery comes after an increase in shoey consumption, leading many women to question their partner’s priorities.

Ninety-year-old neighbour who does shoey and dives into pool certified ‘legend’ A ninety-year-old Ilam local has earned the title of ‘absolute legend’ after causing havoc at a near-by flat party. The elderly man entered the party with the intention of asking them to turn down the volume but stayed after witnessing their behavior.

HEAT AND EAT TAKEOVER BY THE FOUNDRY

“Sure, they’ll drink out of any smelly, used shoe. But they won’t even go down on my ass after I’ve cleaned,” one spokesperson said. Unfortunately, it appears that no amount of fungus or toe jam would deter men from drinking their shoeys.

“Their chat was so shit, and they drank like a bunch of pussies. Naturally, I had to stay and teach ‘em a thing or two,” the elderly man said. “Fucking Bishop Julius alumni, nothing ever changes.”

THIS WEEKEND ONLY!! THE FOUNDRY TAKES OVER THE UNDERCROFT HEAT AND EAT AREA Ft. Macklemore, U2, and Lorde

CLUB PROMOTER PROFILING THE BEST CLUBS AND CLUB EVENTS ON CAMPUS

Jsoc

B UL C Jsoc is providing a fantastic opportunity for 1 student to put their studies to use and travel to Japan on an all expenses paid trip! Flights, accommodation and living expenses are all covered by UC Arts.

The trip will be 5 weeks long and will be after Semester 2 exams. During the 5 weeks you will have some Japanese classes, do some sightseeing and partake in a 2 week internship relating to your studies!!

Anyone from any college can apply but some Japanese language ability is preferred. The trip will take you to Sonoda Womenâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s University in Amagasaki city, about a 15 minute train ride from Osaka.

Applications are open now and close July 21. Head along to our Info night on July 16 in Undercrof101 or visit www.jsocuc.com/lgn

RETOMORP

Habib Soc

Global China Connection Canterbury Kia ora UC whānau! We are the GCC (Global China Connection Canterbury) founded by UC's very own Sam Brosnahan! We are running our annual Shanghai Shout this year and we want to send YOU to SHANGHAI this summer! Intern at some of New Zealand's premier companies; Fonterra and Tourism NZ. There is something here for all ages, stages, and degree majors! Engineers: Get your project hours! Arts and Commerce: Get connected, flex that degree and secure a fresh new job! Science: Gain experience, network at (HUST) Huazhong University of Science and Technology! All expenses paid for, accommodation provided, two weeks experience at (HUST) and eight weeks of work experience abroad.

Get on ur magic carpet, and be transported to a night of mesmerizing memories. You may think it’s a magnificent mirage but luckily, you don't have to rub a million lamps to make this dream a reality as Habib Soc will take you on a magical Middle Eastern adventure. May I present to you The Arabian Nights, a Middle Eastern themed celebration (which also happens to be our Vice President, Rohan's 22nd :P) Music, dance, baklava, hummus, falafel, sheesha, and belly dancers, do we have to say any more? Save the date: 28th September 2019, 8pm, Haere-Roa (The New Foundry)

Send in your CV and fill in a Google Form for your chance to be interning in Shanghai this summer! What are you waiting for?!? APPLY NOW THROUGH FB @GCCCANTERBURY!! UC Socialist Society Come join UC’s latest socialist club! For discussion of all areas of leftist thought, SOCSOC is the perfect place to go. Founded just this term, SOCSOC continues the long history of UC socialist clubs. Thursdays in Black This year Thursdays in Black UC has hit the ground running and have been kicking rape culture in the ass (with consent of course). For Thursdays in Black, 2019 has been the year to put a real focus on a holistic approach to healthy relationships and consent culture on our campus. So, this year you may have seen a wider variety of events from us, focused not just on awareness but on wellbeing too. We have some big plans for semester 2 and can’t wait to share what’s coming up, but make sure to give us a cheeky like on Facebook and Instagram to stay in the know.

Events include movie screenings, discussion panels and opportunities to explore socialist philosophy and history, as well as an excellent opportunity to connect with like-minded students. For more information, check out the UC Socialist Society Facebook page or send us an email at ucsocsoc@gmail. com. Cheers, SOCSOC

BEN APPETIT

ZYKA INDIAN

N E B TITEPPA BY: BEN O’CONNELL

Buckle up for my final semester of Ben Appetit! This column is a lot like Taylor Swift’s “Reputation” album: it’s the same song twelve times only each is just the tiniest bit different. I eat at and then review a unicentric restaurant or café, and do it all again the week after. While it’s been a blast being the UCSA’s sugar baby for upwards of two years now, all good things must come to an end. This week, I took a trip across the road to the reformed Tandoori Palace opposite Ilam Primary School: Zyka Indian Cuisine.

N E B TITEPPA This was pre-Thursdays in Black sex quiz. Molly looks great as per usual

Between three people we ordered a lamb pasanda (spring onions, garlic, coriander, tomatoes, yoghurt, crushed almonds, and spices), a paneer butter masala (homemade cottage cheese tempered with onion + tomato, creamy masala sauce), and the mango chicken (succulent chicken cooked in mouth-watering mango sauce). Alongside a garlic naan, butter naan, wines, and a mango pistachio rum cocktail – dinner was certainly served. We had a good chunk of the menu, and it was entirely good eating (especially compared to the likes of other Indian restaurants around the way, like the one in the Westfield Riccarton food court which is always too creamy). I’ll keep the summary short because that was a damn long meal description. My favourite dish was the paneer. It’s a great vegetarian option with good spice and good texture. Keep in mind I am a white man reviewing Indian though. The mango chicken was very sweet but if that’s what you’re into, it’s totally delectable and worthwhile. All I put for the lamb was that “it was great”

Was I drunk? Yes.

which is not only a great display of my ability to use adjectives effectively as a food critic but also tells me nothing. Note that I am writing this a week before the start of Semester 2, but we ate at Zyka before the Thursdays in Black sex quiz on May 8. In other news, the naan was great. Please enjoy the before and after pictures, the lack of a joke about the zika virus, and me right now mentioning how I am indeed not dating Molly but am going to mention her hilarious, accommodating, and warmhearted mother! <3 I love a good student deal, and Zyka Indian cuisine certainly provides in this department. I’m sure those at R&R next door have more to say about the place; send a letter into the editor if you (are Jasmine Masters and) have something to say, whether that be about the places I’ve been to, places you want me to hit up during the last semester of Ben Appetit, or have a gripe or creepily positive fanfiction about my reviews.

8/10 BENS.

SCREEN

SHOT IS YOUR SCREENSHOT IN HERE? YOUâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;VE WON A QUICKTAP CARD! ITS LOADED WITH 5 FREE DRINKS FR`OM SELECTED CAMPUS VENDING MACHINES CONTACT editor@canta.co.nz

TO CLAIM YOURS

This issueâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s F LAT FAMOUS has scored drinks, food, at the Fox & Ferret! Want your fla t featured in CANTA? Email editor@ canta.co.nz

FLAT FAMOUS FLAT 53

PHOTOS BY: JAVA KATZUR

Part Hawaiian and part breather, I give you Kalani Hansen. Loves the grog and loves to surf, youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll catch him either at your local rark or pulling shakas to the beezes. Ronsco, the Dunners breather, he may appear big a tough but donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t let that fool you - his fears include long pants, warm weather, and the North Island. Gus, the bus Higgie, just ya average truckie from Welly. Hobbies include gurning up in the camo hat, hunting at the foundry, and spending time in the dungeon.

Hailing from the Northland township of Te Puki, MR Trent can be caught slinking around the hills slaying the bucks. He enjoys losing the plot with the breathers, keeping the flat under a strict three day send per week and making sure all the boys always stay AAWWN. Is it a bird? Is it a plane? Nope it's just AK asking if the boys are awn. Coming in hot from the tron this breather loves hitting The Foundry almost as he loves hitting the nangs. Last but not least is our 53 breather Cameron, informally known as "$40 $trong onez". This weekend warrior loves sinking beer and shifting gear as he makes his way thru life one beer pong cup at a time.

Local Act Spotlight Two UC-native bands are currently soaring the waves of success as they make beautiful sounds. So, for that reason, I thought it was about time CANTA showed some love for them.

RABBLE-ROUSING WITH THE RADDLERS The UC-local band, The Raddlers, are a familiar sound around Canterbury. Made up of: Kevin Fernando, Chas Wakefield, Jack Nolan, Baily Lelieveld, and Liam Wahrlich, The Raddlers have played a huge variety of acts around the local area. With their orgasmic sounds having serenaded many fortunate ears (while also looking very good).

THE RADDLERS NEW EP

With their rich harmonies and delicious skills on the instruments, The Raddlers have finally given a long-awaited gift to all of those who have heard their sound: A DEBUT EP! Their debut EP, Tesky, features five songs that will make the hairs on the back of your neck stand upâ&#x20AC;Ś and leave your pants feeling damp. Fortunately, these five gorgeous guys can be heard (and seen) in person. In light of their newly released EP, The Raddlers will be hitting the stage at Halo Bar and Lounge for their first headlining show! Tuesday July 16, 2019 at 8:00pm Make sure you buy their EP and head along to their show. Support this UC-born act on their way to stardom.

Things The Raddlers do that I like: 1 - Look nice 2 - Make sounds

Local Act Spotlight

AN ODE TO MAKO ROAD

Made up of Rhian Ward, Connor Jaine, Connor McErlich, and Robbie Day, Mako Road is an indie pop-rock outfit. But they’re not just any indie pop-rock outfit – they’re OUR

One cannot pass up the opportunity to mention one of the many musical acts playing at Re-Ori this year, the impeccable Mako Road.

We collectively as a university and community must love this band and hope they succeed in becoming world famous and perhaps progress onto becoming Mako Boulevard.

Everyone’s favourite quartet of musically-talented, hot, skinny white boys.

indie pop-rock outfit. Formed right here, at the University of Canterbury. They make sweet, velvety sounds and are very nice to look at.

They’re opening for Mitch James on July 19 – go see them.

Things Mako Road do that I like: 1- Wear unbuttoned shirts. 2- Oh, music and stuff.

RE-ORI SURVIVAL Re-Ori is the second of two occasions each year where students have a week of parties provided to them. With that comes the flirting, dancing, socializing, and drinking until half of it is forgotten. So, here’s how to deal with all of it.

HOW TO: VOMIT CORRECTLY - The Classy Vom

Politely excuse yourself and make haste to the toilet; aim carefully, rinse your mouth out, freshen your breath and return to your scintillating convo. Repeat as desired.

- The Sneaky Vom

Channel your inner ninja and spew with stealth; behind the couch, the nearest pot plant, and an unfortunate handbag are just some of your options. Tiptoe at your discretion.

HOW TO: NOT BE A DICK AT THE CONCERT Observe Mosh Etiquette Get there early if you want to be at the front with your fellow sweaty gig-goers, or slowly make your way to the pit. Don’t be that annoying, inconsiderate ass that pushes other money-paying peeps out of the way with reckless abandon to secure yourself a prime spot. It’s a mosh-pit, not fucking UFC, so let people have a good time. Dress Appropriately Don’t wear anything dickish like a massive hat. And unless

- The Phantom Vom

The phantom vomer leaves absolutely no trace – remove all liquid, lumps, and other spew detritus; deny all knowledge if the residual odour attempts to betray your sins.

- The Cheeky Vom

Raise your hand to your mouth and turn your head as if your about to whisper. Deposit unwanted stomach contents off to the side and return to your original position. Smile and act as if nothing has happened.

The X-Factor Vom

Take centre stage. Do the helicopter, recreate the Tivoli fountain, burp the alphabet when you’re done, whatevs. Be creative. It will be a “yes” from someone, I promise.

you quite like the feeling of a stiletto heel being wedged between your exposed jandal toes, I’d choose function over form in the shoe area too. Other than that, as you were. Use Sidelines to Carry Drinks If you are that prick who buys four drinks and carries them directly through the crowd, spilling the contents as you go, you need to STOP because you are in serious dick territory. The periphery is your friend when it comes to drinks breaks; minimum spillage = maximum value for money. Don’t go all Conor Macgregor on People There will always be dicks who spill their drink on you, push past, or try and incite something untoward. Be the bigger man/lady and brush it off. Don’t let them ruin your night/ clean criminal record. And Finally… Keep your bodily fluids, hands, and objects you feel like throwing to yourself, and help people out if they look like they’re in trouble. Also, stop your mates from going home with a 2.

HOW TO: FLIRT - The Teaser

Remember when we were all kids and some little punk at kindergarten started picking on you and your parents would ensure you that they’re acting that way because they actually have a crush on you? The Teaser acts on this sort of logic, using carefully phrased insults as forms of endearment and flirtation. Be cautious not to take the teasing too far, as you run the risk of actually offending the other person.

- The Cool Guy

This requires you to get rid of any hint of desperation in your flirtation technique. Adopt an air of nonchalance, don’t pay too much attention to your target of affection and, if you don’t have some badass life story, try and spend the next five minutes coming up with one in your head. Added points for possessing chewing gum, perfectly disheveled hair, and the ability to play more than just Wonderwall on the guitar.

HOW TO: CONVINCE BOUNCERS YOU ARE SOBER - You Just Got Off Work

Claim you have only just finished your 8-hour shift at Countdown Church Corner and were looking to unwind with some mates over a few brews. If need be, you ‘finished’ your shift 45 minutes ago so have only had time for two brews.

- Play The Sober Driver Card

Pull out a set of car keys and pretend to be the sober driver. Do the whole “yeah, I pulled the short straw lol” eye-roll and shoulder shrug combination. But please don’t bring along the car as well.

- The Personal Space Invader

Everyone knows that one person who likes to get a little too close. This may not be your best bet but, hey, desperate times call for desperate measures, right? Spot your target, confidently walk up to them, then spend the rest of the evening leaning in, rubbing shoulders, and being generally too close for comfort. Let me know if it works out for you.

- The Money

Only advisable if you have a full-time job and/or live with your parents. As the name suggests, using “The Money” means just that… using your money to win someone over. Start by having money, then continuing paying for everything. This is a pretty easy way to impress someone, but if you start off like this, they’re likely to expect you to continue being this way.

- The Avoider

People? Flirting? Thanks, but no thanks! The Avoider means avoiding all social interaction at all costs because people are gross and why would you want to be around them. If you’re using this flirting method, I assume you were dragged along to some place you don’t want to be. Be careful, you might attract those people who like quiet types.

- Have a Back Story Prepared

Pre-arrange with a friend before you go to the bar that if one starts getting questioned by the bouncers, they should vouch for you that you have sport the next morning so you aren’t actually getting drunk. Add the whole, “I’ll be on the bench if I turn up hungover” bullshit. Or you can also try some of these lines that have worked in the past for myself: “Studylink shafted me out of receiving my Living Costs this week so I can’t afford to drink anyway.” “I’m just grabbing some keys off a friend inside so I can take her to the Craic.”

- Bring Props

Take a half-empty water bottle with you and tell them you aren’t actually drinking and that you’ve brought your own water along. Clearly, they’re going to take the bottle off you as there is normally water inside, but that isn’t the point… you’ve convinced them you’re on the water buzz tonight.

- Hide in Plain Sight

Talk to your mate and face away from the bouncer when handing over your ID. Pretend you’re REALLY invested in the conversation – like it’s a fucking hilarious topic of conversation. Sometimes they can’t be bothered trying to gain your attention so just let you through.

- Seek Solace

If all of the above has failed, your night is clearly at an end and cannot be resurrected. You’ve failed. Stumble your way to Big Gary’s and grab yourself a large hot dog, Dohburger, or Curry Fries.

Well there you go; I think that covers pretty much everything. What more would you need to know?

HAERE-ROA: HOME TO UC STUDENTS Opening July 2019, Haere-roa's the culmination of two years’ of construction work, which began after the Christchurch earthquakes damaged the original UCSA building beyond repair.

Part of UC's Wellbeing Precinct, Haere-roa will be a space for students to socialise, enjoy amazing events, and get stuck into clubs. It'll also be a community space, open to bookings outside of university term times.

TIMELINE • Feb 2011, Christchurch earthquakes damage the original UCSA building beyond repair. • 2016, Demolition of the old UCSA building takes place. • July 2017, The ground is broken on the building site, and the name Haere-roa is officially announced.

HAERE-ROA RENDERS

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July 2017, The construction begins.

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July 2019, Construction ends and the building is handed back to UCSA.

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July 2019, The first show in the Ngaio Marsh is Baynk for Re-Ori.

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August 2019, The official opening takes place.

INSIDE HAERE-ROA FOYER ON LEVEL ONE

A sunny, multi-use space for recreation and events.

CENTRAL STREET UCSA OFFICES

This double-height, double-width ‘street’ runs the length of the building and connects our venues.

Located on the second floor, these offices are home to UCSA, including Advocacy and Welfare services.

THE FOUNDRY

Your favourite watering hole includes old favourites and a few new things to keep it interesting: • The design is a new spin on the old industrial vibe. • New opening hours Monday to Friday - 8.30am til late. • New menus. • Coffee machine and counter food like muffins and scones. • The daily Foundry rituals are making a return, so you don’t have to go a week without nachos and Latin pop. Stay tuned for a new ritual or two.

NGAIO MARSH THEATRE

This old icon is returning with a modern fit out. The re-built venue includes state-of-the-art AV, tiered seating (327 people seated, 1000 people in a flat-floor gig), plus orchestra pit and more.

BENTLEY’S LOUNGE

UCSA’s stylish private bar, which can be hired out for cocktail parties, dinners and the like. It has a fully lockable bar for alcohol-free events, and it has an amazing covered balcony that gets evening sun and views onto the lawn and Haere-roa stream.

OTHER SPACES

• CANTA and RDU offices • Room of Requirement (a flexible space that’s perfect for stuff like movie and games nights) • Outdoor Kitchen and amphitheatre • Student Social Space (open 24-hours with your Canterbury Card)

SPORT

SPOTLIGHT YO G A R E C - C E N T R E

Get Down, Dog A piece commissioned by the UC Rec Centre for CANTA. After a term of late nights and one too many pints, the last thing on our minds can be wellbeing. The idea of stopping cramming for an hour to get to the gym can seem counterintuitive to academic success. In reality, however, looking after your wellbeing is an integral part of being a mildly successful human. To aid you on your journey to wholesome nirvana I’ve compiled my top tips for capitalising on the free wellbeing boosters available on campus. The UC Rec Centre The Rec Centre isn’t just for those aerobically inclined! If joining a room of sweaty undergrads doesn’t tickle your fancy, there are a number of non-perspiration inducing mind-body classes on offer every day. Here are a few of the mind-body classes that UC has to offer: Pilates Pilates is like yoga’s distant, less hipster cousin. Unlike yoga, there’s a smaller emphasis on flexibility and a focus on developing core muscles. The unique and controlled movements allow you to tailor each session to your own ability. New to the Rec Centre this year is the Pilates TRX class. TRX Pilates takes you through a typical mat-style Pilates class whilst incorporating the TRX straps. Yoga Yoga is the epitome of wholesome. And no, you don’t have to be a 35-year-old soccer mom to enjoy it. Yoga is the kinda thing you wish you did but never do – like having a green

BY : KATIE HARRIS

smoothie or marathon running. Luckily, unlike downing a litre of spirulina or cry-running 42 kilometres, this one is actually doable. The UC rec centre also offers Yoga restore. It’s nice yoga. A calming way to Zen out, without holding downward dogs for an eternity. This type of yoga is not a workout, it’s a relaxation class. Also new this year is post-graduate yoga. This will be held in the Living room, which is the cosy space next to the bookshop. Classes start on August 1. Meditation Apps: Sometimes, you want to be wholesome, but you also don’t want to leave the house. Cue, meditation apps. It’s sort of a lazy-girls effort towards enlightenment, but hey, if it gives you extra karma points, who cares? The following apps offer mostly free, user-friendly guided meditations: - Insight Timer - Calm - Smiling mind Clubs At UC, we are lucky enough to have an array of clubs including Yoga Soc and UC Meditation. Yoga Soc offers a free yoga class every Monday from 7pm in the Jack Man Auditorium. UC Meditation also offers free meditation classes. Contrary to popular belief, you don’t need to be level five Gwyneth Paltrow to enjoy the benefits of mindfulness. Getting stuck into wellbeing doesn’t have to mean going on a crazy diet or starting an excessive exercise regime. Looking after yourself can being as simple as treating yourself to a burger – with a side of yoga too.

Christchurch Arts Festival 2019

26 July — 4 August artsfestival.co.nz

Tickets on sale now artsfestival.co.nz

Drax Project

Christchurch Town Hall Friday 2 August 7:30pm – 11:30pm $69.00

Dog Power

The Avon Room, Town Hall Thursday 1 August 7:00pm – 8:00pm $25.00/$22.00

Wild Dogs Under My Skirt

The Piano Saturday 27 July 7:00pm – 8:15pm $50.00/$45.00

Nadia Reid

The Piano Sunday 28 July 7:00pm – 8:15pm $45.00/$40.00

A FEW

NOTES

BY: LEWIS HOBAN

I don’t know what a Last.FM is and I’m afraid to ask for the lights to change. Hence why it would up in a car commercial. And they made it cool for bands to have songs in commercials, never forget that. Towing the line between corporate sell-outs and the poster children of alternative rock or indie rock or whatever label the industry has planted on radio-adjacent is difficult, but I’d wager the Black Keys have managed to do just that yet again. Once again, we can listen to what is admittedly mainstream but still sounds fresh and brag-worthy to your normie friends or that cute manic pixie dream girl at the bar you’re trying to woo.

THE BLACK KEYS Let's Rock

If you told me that the Black Keys were making a new album after five years whilst I was hooked up to a heart monitor, you would’ve seen my precious ticker skip a beat. If you then told me they’d be going back to their stripped-down sound, without the keyboards or studio meddling, you would’ve seen it flatline entirely. Then you would have a very awkward situation and a body to get rid of. Recovering that poorly worded tangent I thought was quite clever (which was, granted, a personal opinion enhanced by the effects of alcohol at three o’clock in the morning), the next evolutionary step to the White Stripes has finally come roaring back in to the soundscape, going back to their roots of just being two bros jamming out to some blues-inspired riffs on a popward incline. I always love it when a seminal mainstay band makes a return – the Gorillaz, Outkast, Bikini Kill, the Beatles (if you count that one time in 1993, and it still being the Beatles if there were only three of them). Enough blithering let’s get to the meat. At the core of anything with this twosome, there lies a single, permeating question – do they still sound as good as we remember them? Fair question, considering that most of us got our first dose through the immediately catchy earworm that was ‘Lonely Boy’. And let’s be honest with ourselves, dismounting from our high horses, that song slaps. There wasn’t a foot refraining from tapping as uppity seventeen-year-olds waited inside their idling Fiat Cinquecento while waiting

DUMB - Club Nites

THE RACONTEURSHelp Us Stranger Speaking of the White Stripes - they’re dead. This is the new reality we have to live in, unfortunately. Meg White has long since remarried and is now comfortably living an adequately quiet life in a suburb. In the meantime, Jack White has given us no end of solo projects and collaborative ventures to keep us busy, but being honest? They all seem to lack that special spice we all love. Don’t get me wrong, they’re brilliant, this current release included, but it’s an interesting chemical reaction that takes place when Jack White, the Willy Wonka of music, plays equal fiddle to other talented musicians to make a wholly unique music product lacking the experimental and indulgent blues he’s known for. Heck, they get something radio friendly, by the sounds.

These dudes rule. Now, what’s important to remember is that this lot are part of what they call the ‘post-rock’ genre. This is the same thing that bands like Godspeed You! Black Emperor are supposed to be. Yet unlike GSY!BE, Dumb are not only listenable, they’re catchy. Groovy even. It’s good stuff to chuck on when you’re just fed up with everything that’s going on – like I’ve been for the past week. I tell you, trying to find a new flat is like applying for a job. But enough about my gripes. Go listen to this.

HONOURABLE MENTIONS: DEATH GRIPS - GMAIL AND THE RESTRAINING ORDERS DRAB MAJESTY - MODERN MIRROR MAL BLUM - PITY BOY CREME JEAN - CREAM EMPORIUM NECKING - CUT YOUR TEETH TIJUANA PANTHERS - CARPET DENIM

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QUEERTIQUETTE L E S B I A N S I N T H E M E D I A T H E B U T C H / F E M M E B I N A R Y Happy Month After Pride Month (MAP) to all my queers in crime – and we can’t forget those cis-hets! I’m not even going to apologise for the belatedness of this Queertiquette issue either, because every month is Pride Month tbh: fortunately, the rainbow community continue to exist all year round. So, in the spirit of MAP, I thought I would do what I do best – a little sapphic analysis. This week’s episode? Butches and Femmes: their stereotypes, and positive lesbian representation in the media. It never ceases to amaze me just how deep I am in queer culture. So deep in fact, that I am surprised that sapphic/ WLW slang like ‘pillow princess’, ‘gold star’ and ‘stone butch’ are not common knowledge outside the rainbow community. (Look it up on Urban Dictionary if you’re a bi-curious ;) .) So, a brief definition of butch and femme: Butch: a butch lesbian is typically masculine presenting – both in physical appearance and demeanour. Femme: a femme lesbian is typically, you guessed it, feminine presenting – and can be indistinguishable from a straight girl at first glance (much to the femme’s frustration – it’s a struggle.)

Lesbian Representation in the Media Media can be a help or hinderance – often seeming to represent lesbians as being textbook butches, and portraying a somewhat one-dimensional personality or being a side plot to the main story. Here are some super badass characters who positively represent queer women in the media.

Strong Lesbian Protagonists Cameron Post, The Miseducation of Cameron Post (novel + movie) Cameron Post is a teenager growing up in a small, conservative Christian town of Montana in the 1990s. She discovers her homosexuality throughout the course of the novel (which spans her life between the ages of 12 to about 16). I highly recommend the novel before watching the movie, as there is way more depth to Cameron’s back story. Cameron is tom-boyish, resistant to Christianity and a bit of a trouble maker. When her sexuality is discovered, (Spoiler Alert: i.e. when she is caught fucking the pageant queen) she is sent to a gay conversion therapy camp by her religious fanatic aunt in order to rid her of her sin of “sexual dysfunction”.

However, the reality is that most lesbians don’t fit cleanly into one category. Lesbians can, and do, look like anybody else. Sure, certain signs could make a lesbian’s gaydar go off i.e. if she has an extensive collection of beanies, vests, flannel, and/or rainbow paraphernalia; if you’re at a queer event and she’s kissing your face passionately, you know, that sort of thing.

Billie Haare, Happy Playland (NZ web series, YouTube) Billie Haare (Neenah Dekkers-Reihana), is a young Māori takatāpui lesbian who has just started working at Happy Playland in Wellington. Enter Zara, her breath-taking, funny, and vibrant new co-worker, who, sadly, is “not looking for anything serious”. Will love blossom or dwindle in this romantic comedy musical web series? Incredible. We love it. Did I mention it’s a musical rom-com about two gay women? Search The Candle Wasters into Google to find this one!

While there is this age-old idea that femmes go for butches and vice versa, in reality: femmes can be with other femmes, butches, or a lesbian who’s somewhere in between. The same can be said for butches. There is no cookie cutter method for finding “your person”.

Cosima Niehaus, Orphan Black (Netflix) Cosima is studying towards her PhD in Evolutionary Biology, and she completely owns her nerdiness in an incredibly sexy way. Is it weird that I find myself attracted to Cosima, but none of the other clones in the series

Expectation vs Reality

B E Y O N D

(even though they are all played by the exact same actress, Tatiana Maslany)? A conundrum indeed… She is an all-around badass, and her gender expression is androgynous, yet in a satisfyingly grey area between butch and femme. She has dreadlocks, a nose piercing and wears glasses. Honestly, short-sightedness has never been hotter. My personal favourite quote of the entire series is of hers, when she states: “My sexuality is not the most interesting thing about me.” Jo and Amber, Easy: Vegan Cinderella (Netflix) “After a passionate night with a vegan activist, a sheltered student abandons her bacon-eating, carbon-emitting ways.” Okay, I literally just copied this one from IMDB, because it’s succinct, hilarious, and I’m a lazy, corner-cutting little shit sometimes. The black girl magic is strong in this Netflix episode. Watch it! Honourable Mentions: Bill Potts (Pearl Mackie) in Doctor Who Moira (Samira Wiley) in The Handmaid’s Tale Elena Alvarez (Isabella Gomez) in One Day at a Time Kelly Torez, Gray’s Anatomy Poussey  Washington (Samira Wiley) in Orange Is the New Black Sophia Burset (Laverne Cox) in Orange Is the New Black

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RAWING M E N T A L

As the second semester of study for this year begins, I’m pretty sure we can all say we’ve become a bit rusty on our study and life routines – relishing in the sleep-ins, working our part-time jobs, spending more time with friends and family, and possibly a few more nights than usual that we may or may not be able to remember…

But, never fear! Let me provide some handy tips to make your transition back into university hustle a little easier. Whether you are a new-comer to the uni, a veteran, or a visitor – you will find that there will be at least something that you can take on board to make your life – and semester – a little easier and a lot more manageable. If you haven’t already – get yourself a damn diary, and actually write in it! Doctor appointments, assignment deadlines, coffee dates, work, gym sessions, extra tutorials, a chat with your mother… put everything you are planning to do each day on paper – and tick it off. The University Bookshop here on campus is an easy go-to place to pick up one of these bad boys. Get back into a routine – and actually stick to it. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but it may be time to ditch the late-night Netflix binging, waking up in the P.M, and getting a few too many UberEats deliveries. Try to wake up at a similar time each night, have a cutoff for study and uni work at night, get at least 7-hours sleep, make time for decent food – in general, manage your time and set some boundaries. Make friends with meal prepping

MEG

W E L L N E S S

– and ditch the over-reliance on your beloved tub of two-minute noodles, chips, and three-dollar rice. I’m not going to go on about the clear benefits of eating well and the impact this has on your entire life – energy levels, concentration level, mental outlook, physical fitness, and general wellbeing – you already know this, so let this be the sign to actually start doing it. “But, what do I prep?” It can be as simple as washing and chopping your vege and fruit, pre-portioning out that bag of pretzels, cooking bulk amounts of potato or rice, making double at dinner to take for lunch the next day, whip up a batch of soup or a mean curry – it is really that simple, and even the little things will help you keep on track. Understand how crucial sunlight is. The sun is such an important factor in keeping you buzzed, and preventing the ‘Winter Blues’ that tends to happen this time of year. My go-to phrase? Suns out – so am I. Be it a quick 10-minute walk, a jog outside, or enjoying your coffee fix or lunchtime noms in the sunshine – do whatever it takes to soak up those rays.

Don’t forget to move your body. Cold temperatures can too quickly become the go-to excuse to skip whatever exercise you had planned – don’t get sucked in, slap on an extra layer or hoodie and get out. I don’t care what you do – a lift session at the gym, frolic in the park with your dog, Pilates, rockclimbing, social netball or footie, a bounce at a trampoline park, a poledancing class… if it gets you out and

moving, then it’s all-go by me. The feelgood buzz you get after doing it will remind you of why you shouldn’t have stopped in the first place Mental Illness Myth Buster: “It’s nothing major, I’m just stressed” Haha, NO. Stress in itself is a massive issue that is plaguing people more than ever these days. Pulling all-nighters on the reg, burning out, breaking out in acne or other stress-related health issues, skipping food, sacrificing time with friends/family or yourself… this all has such a serious debilitating toll on your mental and physical health and wellbeing. *Newsflash!* Chronic stress is not normal and can be the beginning of (or disguise) of some really serious health issues. Yes – depression and mood disorders, anxiety disorders, eating disorders, phobias… these can all have an element of stress in either their presentation or symptoms and should be taken as a serious concern. Please, don’t shrug it off as if it’s nothing and like people should get used to it. It’s not normal, nor healthy, to be always stressed. Take a serious look at your lifestyle, and seek some professional help and advice if need be. Make those sacrifices an put you and your health first. It may feel weird at first – but the impact of not being so stressed will be revolutionary in your life. - Rawing Meg Insta: @rawingmeg Email: rawingmeg@gmail.com Blog: www.rawingmeg.wixsite.com/ hearmeraw

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SEX AND CANDY FA K I N G Repeat after me: I will not fake my orgasm. Why do we do it? Maybe you’re a bit tired that day, or stuck in your head, or embarrassed because OH MY GOD WHY IS IT TAKING ME SO LONG TO CUM?! Whatever the reason, faking orgasms is a bad habit and one I’ve found myself indulging in with pretty much every partner I’ve ever had. I normally fake it due to embarrassment, laziness or an overarching obligation to stroke my partner’s ego. I don’t know about you, but I feel pretty damn good when I make someone cum, and I can’t help but feeling that I’ll disappoint whomever I’m sleeping with if they don’t get an orgasm out of me. It normally doesn’t have anything to do with my partner’s ability to perform; sometimes it’s just easier to fake it and move on. Sometimes I don’t even want to have an orgasm and I’m just satisfied that I’m getting laid. And sometimes I’m just bored and want the sex to be over, and a swift fake orgasm always does the job.

I T

However, I have noticed that I only really start faking it when things aren’t going too well emotionally with my partner. Maybe we’ve had a fight or I’m upset about something and the sex just can’t pull me out of those feelings. I feel distant, and therefore like I can’t communicate with the person I’m sleeping with, which in turn leads to me feeling self-conscious and obligated to fake it. It’s a vicious cycle that benefits no one; not only do you not get to cum, but you’re also lying to the person you’re sleeping with, which definitely is not cool. When I fake my orgasms, it tells me that I do not value my pleasure as much as my partner’s ego. I prioritise the possibility that they may feel hurt over my own sexual satisfaction, despite the fact that in reality, I’m doing more damage to myself and my relationship by being dishonest. It reinforces the embarrassment and guilt that I feel when I don’t finish fast enough. It robs me of the ability to have better sex because I’m not communicating with

my partner about my needs. All up, it’s just a shit practice where no one gets what they want. So, my advice is to go back in time, before you internalised all that sexism and shame around orgasming quickly, but not too quickly, and looking hot while you do so, but not making any weird faces, but also simultaneously providing the perfect pleasure experience for your partner. Easy! Or, you could come to terms with the fact that your pleasure is just as important as anyone else’s, your partner will listen if you try to communicate with them, and you deserve the best orgasm you can possibly have. Not so easy, but definitely worth it. Or, just send them an anatomical diagram of the vulva and I’m sure they’ll get the message. Good luck.

NEW ZEALAND POLITICS Ardern and Bridges Announce Portfolio Changes Last month, the Prime Minister (Jacinda Ardern for those who aren’t keeping track) announced a reshuffle of the Cabinet as well as the Labour caucus. Several alterations were made including the demotion of Phil Twyford, the elevation of Wellington MP Kris Faafoi and the appointment of Christchurch Central MP, Duncan Webb, as the Chair of the Environment Select Committee. The reshuffle saw Phil Twyford lose his role as Minister of Housing after his failure to implement KiwiBuild. However, Twyford will hold on to the Urban Development aspect of his former role. Christchurch’s own Megan Woods will pick up the title of Minister of Housing, and Kris Faafoi becomes Associate Minister of Housing. Faafoi has been elevated into Cabinet and has also taken on the portfolio of Government Digital Services which complements his existing responsibilities as Minister of Broadcasting, Communications and Digital Media. Ardern’s reshuffle leaves only six women in the 20-strong Cabinet.

The Prime Minister expressed dissatisfaction with this fact. National has also undergone a change in the portfolios of some of its senior MPs following the announcement that Amy Adams will retire at the end of this Parliament. Paul Goldsmith has replaced Adams at number three in the National caucus, picking up the portfolios of Finance spokesperson as well as Judith ‘The Crusher’ Collins’ Infrastructure portfolio. Crusher Collins will retain the portfolios of Housing and Urban Development and Planning (RMA Reform). National Party leader, Simon Bridges, said that nothing should be read into the movement of the Infrastructure portfolio from JuCo to Goldsmith. Goldsmith’s transport role has been handed to Chris Bishop who moves up 18 places in the rankings of the National Party to number 16. Adams’ other role of shadow Attorney-General will now be held by Tim Macindoe.

INTERNATIONAL POLITICS U.S. on the Brink of War with Iran Ahhh, the Middle East. One of America’s top three favourite regions to invade. The United States has quite the record of, let’s say, ‘getting involved’ in the Middle East (see the formation of Israel, the Iranian Coup d’état of 1953, the IranContra Affair, the Gulf War, the Iraq War, the Invasion of Afghanistan, the Syrian Civil War… you get the point). This time its relations between the United States and the Islamic Republic of Iran that have been deteriorating. Ever since the Trump Administration withdrew the United States form the Iran Nuclear Deal in 2018, which would have curbed Iran’s nuclear ambitions for at least 10 years from when it was implemented, relations between the two powers have been getting noticeably worse. More recently, relations have continued to worsen after the shooting down of a U.S. surveillance drone worth over US$100 million near the Iranian border over the Gulf of Oman. In response, Trump, in his almighty wisdom, had authorised a military strike against certain military targets within Iran in retaliation. 10 minutes

before the attack that the President authorised was to be executed, the President called off the attack when he had second thoughts about killing 150 people over the shooting down of a flying piece of metal. Instead of bombing Iran, the Trump Administration imposed large sanctions upon the country, targeting the President and the Supreme Leader. Trump said the sanctions were a strong and proportionate response to the recent provocative actions of Iran. Adding in a tweet, that the U.S. will use overwhelming military force if Iran attacks. Kinda fun stuff. Iran has condemned the sanctions as idiotic and signify a permanent closure of diplomacy with the United States. The war of words between the two leaders escalated when the Iranian President, Hassan Rouhani, labelled the President and the White House as being afflicted by “mental retardation...” I think it is now official. It's been a tight race for the top spot in recent months, but it appears Trump has overtaken George W. Bush for the title of ‘Dumbest U.S. President in Modern History’. It may not be a Nobel Peace Prize, but it’s the best he’s gonna get.

Political Predictions As articles for CANTA need to be submitted at least a week prior to print, commentary on current events as they happen is near impossible. Nonetheless, in an attempt to seem timely, I am happy to share my political predictions for the next few weeks.

My Political Predictions are:

Overall

- A bunch of old white men will pass a law in one of the Southern states of the United States that imposes or restricts on someone’s fundamental right or liberty. - War with Iran??? - Boris Johnson’s will become Prime Minister of the UK, but it won’t all be smooth-sailing.

The State of New Zealand Politics: 2/3 The State of Local Politics: Cycleway The State of Global Politics: One Yike

The UCPOLS Speaker Series is back for Semester Two! Be sure to come along and chat and maybe have a sneaky pint with these upcoming guest speakers. Also, our UCPOLS Careers Evening is approaching on July 22. To check out the full lineup of speakers, visit our Facebook page. July 15, Undercroft 101: Richard Wagstaff, President of NZ Council of Trade Unions July 22, Bentley’s Bar: Darroch Ball, NZ First List MP (Stick around for our Careers Evening afterwards!) July 29, Bentley’s Bar: David Seymour, MP for Epsom and ACT Party Leader August 5, Bentley’s Bar: Sir Tim Shadbolt, Mayor of Invercargill If there is anything in particular you’d like to hear about in a future report, or you simply want send your thoughts and comments about this article, use the email editor@ucplos.co.nz to get in touch.

ADVENTURES FROM THE SOUTH

OXFORD

BY: NATHAN JAMES

Mt Oxford is the highest peak in the Canterbury Foothills. It is a popular hike amongst hikers through all seasons of the year. adventuresftsouth.com

Under the cover of beech trees, there is a good shelter from the elements. There are a number of ways to approach Mt Oxford with there being a network of trails around the mountain. If you don’t feel you have the fitness to climb Mt Oxford, an easier option could be to pack lunch and insect repellent and enjoy the tiered Ryde Falls.

TIME

DISTANCE ASCENT MAPS

7 hours

20.8 km

1410 m

BW22

GRADE Moderate

In Detail The route described in this post is one of the longer routes over this classic Canterbury peak, Mt Oxford. Sitting at only an hours drive from Christchurch it is easily accessible. It takes approximately seven hours to complete the loop described in this post, so be prepared for a long day out in the bush. With views across the Canterbury foothills, across to the Torlesse Range and out towards Banks Peninsula. Without a doubt, the views from the summit of Mt Oxford won’t let you down. It’s the perfect plan B trip to have lined up if the weather takes a turn for the worse.

Route The route that we took over Mt Oxford would be one of the longest routes, however, it did mean we were able to walk the track as a loop. There was something new to look forward to, right until the very end. There is a carpark at the end of Mountain Road, where we left the car. The first part of the walk had us following the Ryde Falls track. Later returning from the falls via the Korimako Track then following the unnamed track up to pt 1124 and then onto 1130 and then up to the summit of Mt Oxford following the Mt Oxford track back down to Mountain Road. The start of the track is near Birchwood lodge where there is a flat grassy area with a well-used portaloo at the start of the track. Our hike started off following the Ryde falls track. Although there were some patchy showers at times the bush provided good cover. The track was muddy in places, we did our best to avoid the mud as much as possible. It wasn’t long before we stopped caring about how much mud we had on our boots.

adventuresftsouth.com

PRESENTS

L U C K Y O N E The restaurant we went to was this fancy-schmancy, two forks-two knives Italian place, and I had never been there before, so when I arrived I was pretty sure I was underdressed. My date arrived only a couple of minutes after I did, but I got my fair share of confused glances at this young poor uni student sitting alone in a fine-dining establishment.  Once my (unbelievably pretty) date arrived, we struck up conversation. Since I wasn’t driving, I was planning to get a drink, but I’m so indecisive that in the end I couldn’t choose a cocktail and just got some tea like an absolute grandmother. Cut to half an hour or so later, though, and my date let me try her drink, a Vodka Swizzler or Sweezler or something funky sounding like that and I was hooked.  Anyone who knows me knows that I’m a soppy romantic drunk, and by the time the bar started filling up I’m pretty sure I spent the entire evening giving my date moony eyes and a dopey smile. The poor waiter kept on rushing back to our table to give us more water, however, so I remained coherent enough to have a proper conversation.

S I D E

I was really into my date (who knows if she felt the same, I’ve always been terrible at reading the signs) but when she brought up exes, yikes! My first girlfriend who I was with for a good couple of months and am still close friends with recently broke up with my date.  It was a little awkward hearing my date talk about the breakup and it kinda put me off to hear her talk badly about our mutual ex. But I’m not one to judge too harshly, so I decided I’d just get some more drinks in the hope that we could move on from that conversation.  It worked well enough, and we ended up hanging out with some other people at some point (honestly, the details are a little fuzzy after drink #4) and I think my date had to call an Uber for me in the end after fancy-schmancy waiter asked us to bounce.  I slept like a baby, though, and I’m so lucky I got the opportunity to do this, if only for the fact that the cold pizza made for an insanely great 3am snack when I got home.

Want a BARETTA dinner, drinks and a chance to shoot your shot in LUCKY DIP? Email editor@canta.co.nz

D I P LUCKY DIP IS PRINTED AS SUBMITTED, WITHOUT PROOFING

O T H E R I arrived at Baretta (somewhere I had previously never been to sober and never will again) just before 6pm. My date was waiting for me. I quickly introduced myself and noticed the two boomers sitting next to us look up from their conversation, as if to ask each other, “how strange that these two friends don’t seem to remember each other’s names!” We made small talk while checking out the very fancy menu, my date ordered chamomile tea and I nearly scoffed. Free drinks and you order TEA?! Meanwhile I quickly sank two cocktails. She had one sip of mine and decided to jump on the alcoholic train and ordered us another round. We proceeded to get rather shitfaced while I ate my pasta and she nibbled like a mouse at a margarita pizza that looked pretty tasty (she kindly gave me a slice to take home; can confirm it was good). We got to know each other a little bit more and I discovered she was a language student and quickly came to the conclusion that she has spent so much time studying other

S I D E

languages that she's forgotten how to hold a conversation in English. By the time we were full from dinner Baretta was officially thriving. The 18-year-old freshers started arriving at around 10pm and we decided to join them outside for some more drinks, Canta was paying after all, we figured may as well make the most of it. We had some great chats and some even better drinks, but the night came to its dramatic peak when we realised we had both dated the same girl. As we all know there are only 12 non-straight women at UC, so naturally there was some crossover when ex-girlfriends were discussed. This didn’t bother me so much, but she seemed a bit concerned with the potential consequences of our mutual ex. Despite this bump in the road, we continued to make the most of the free drinks until we were politely asked to leave and escorted to our Ubers a little after midnight. She was a bit of a lightweight and seemed to get pretty sulky after I told her how much I hated our shared ex… apparently the scholarship she received was for chemistry? Seems unrealistic as there was none of that to be found.

HAPPYENDING

C A N TA’ S 4 2 0

THOUGHT

Bathtubs = Reverse boats PISCES

ARIES

(Jan 20 - Feb 18)

(Feb 19 - Mar 20)

(Mar 21 - Apr 19)

Nobody gives a fuck about what you put on your Instagram stories – except Rebecca.

Nobody cares about your Love Island addiction, but Yewande did indeed deserve better.

TAURUS

GEMINI

CANCER

(Apr 20 - May 20)

(May 21 - Jun 20)

(Jun 21 - Jul 22)

When one door closes, another one opens. This is because you live in a rotten flat with uneven floorboards. Complain to your landlord.

It’s totally okay to ask strangers for advice, whether that be asking for directions down a busy street or making bold passes on the UCSA Noticeboard.

Starting university in Semester 2 is like arriving to a threesome late: it’ll still be as bad as if you’d arrived at the beginning, and you’ll still end up finishing.

LEO

VIRGO

LIBRA

(July 23 - Aug 22)

(Aug 23 - Sep 22)

(Sep 23 - Oct 22)

The incentive of going to Re-O-Week events because you'll be drinking before the semester gets too busy is null and void when you know you'll be drunk every week anyway.

If you’re jealous of your friends that went overseas during the semester break, understand that the next three months will be enough of a trip regardless.

If you’re having a go at Dry July, make sure to find a good transfer addiction like sex. Or exercise. Or sexercise.

SCORPIO

SAGITTA RIUS

CAPRICORN

(Oct 23 - Nov 21)

(Nov 22 - Dec 21)

(Dec 22 - Jan 19)

If you think you need glasses you should probably get glasses. They do make you smarter, after all!

Two students! Chilling in the Undercroft! Five feet apart because they were both too awkward to start a conversation!

The start of July marks the end of Pride Month so the gays are out with a vengeance. Beware.

If you regret purchasing tickets and attending Re-O-Week events, find solace in the fact that everyone else does too.

HOROSCOPES

AQUARIUS