CANTA, Issue #01 2018

2 0 1 8 – I S S U E

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T ES V N I TA IC N CA MET RES S U CO CE D O PR

F E B R U A R Y K A H U R U

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UCSA PRESIDENT Kia ora, and welcome to 2018 at UC! For those of you who don’t know me, I’m Josh Proctor and your 2018 UCSA President. I moved to UC and Canterbury in 2014 (I know, that makes me ancient as heck) and have just completed my BCom (Economics & Finance). I absolutely love UC and all it has to offer, and am very excited about the opportunity to represent you all this year. For some of you, this is your first week at UC, for others you’re well-seasoned. For some people this will be a daunting task arriving at university, for others it just means more admin. Whatever your situation try get out and about and enjoy all that UC has to offer. Whether it’s the free guest seminars held in your college or the Clubs Day just around the corner, be sure to get amongst. There definitely is something for everyone!

Josh’s Tips to first year self:

UCSA DEALS

Me at Angkor Wat, Cambodia

- The earlier you buy an easy breezy party shirt, the greater the return on investment.

- Go to lectures. No seriously, it’s easy to get behind and ECHO 360 isn’t overly reliable.

- Savings, yes now we have your attention. Head over and get amongst The Rec Centre It’s free!. Not only are there also free classes, but you can get a personal trainer for a good price and the equipment (may be from my era) it’s still working very well.

- Don’t be afraid to email your lecturers for help. They’re usually more than happy to, and it can save you a lot of time!

- Follow ‘UC Free Food Soc’ on Facebook. They’ll post updates with anytime there is free food on campus. You’ll be surprised how often you can ‘snag’ yourself a free lunch. Especially in the first three weeks!

- Puaka James-Hight opening hours: Get familiar, fam! o Mon – Thurs 8am-11pm o Fri 8am- 9pm o Sat 10am- 5pm o Sun 10am-9m

$3

- Foundry food (Loaded Wedges are amazing).

- Gym shoes are more than acceptable attire to all Foundry events! In fact, they’re often encouraged.

If you ever need any support, advice or guidance feel free to pop down to the UCSA office in the Undercroft. Or flick me an email on president@ucsa.org.nz Aroha nui, Your UCSA President Josh Proctor

UCSA.ORG.NZ

$3 PEPSI WITH V-PLATE

in this issue 06

BEN APPETIT: NUTS AND BOLTS REVIEW

10

HOW TO: SURVIVE ORIENTATION

18

LEWIS AND HIS BLOODY THEORIES

20

CANTA INVESTIGATES: COSMETIC PROCEDURES

28

HOW TO: SURVIVE LIVING IN THE HALLS

Editor’s note

A big hearty bloody welcome to the first issue of CANTA for 2018.

Have you been involved in Orientation 18 so far? Have you hidden away to avoid it completely?

The perks of working at the UCSA mean we get to go to everything for F R E E. The downside

of that? You all make us feel like 85 years old.

Thanks for that.

CANTA this issue is packed with all of the things. As packed as Jacinda’s womb.

Wajd has given you some tips on how to survive Orientation without ending up a mess (Sure Jan).

We also have some sage advice from Jack on surviving life in the halls. Top top: eat green stuff.

Katie is back with a glimpse into millennials and the trend towards a Kylie Jenner face… If you read the article backwards it confirms Kylie is pregnant #conspiracy #iwanttobelieve We’re off to wear backwards hats and fidget spin our way through Ori 18… see you there, fellow kids.

- JOSHUA

This issue’s contributors Katie Harris

Jack Clark Spanky Moore C ove r a r t b y B i l l M u n d w w w. b i l l m u n d .c o m

Wajd El-Matary

Claude Meffan

Lewis Hoban Hayden Slaughter

Ben O’Connell

02

SMOKO THOUGHTS Hi Canta, I went out for a smoke today and saw an issue of a magazine I thought was Canta on the Canta stand. I flicked through it and was really pleasantly suprised at the high-quality articles on politics, science and local news. I was pretty stoked cos it’s normally Buzzfeed tier Snapchat pictures and that god awful “flat famous” bullshit that covers like 50% of the mag. But uh.. turns out someone had left a copy of Critic in the stand. Why is Critic so much better at providing high quality content?

Why does Canta resemble Buzzfeed so heavily? Is it just cos you don’t have enough contributors or are you seriously trying to emulate the average Facebook feed?

across Christchurch. We’ve covered the UC and national elections. We’ve investigated cultural appropriation, and even the Vice Chancellor’s pay rise.

Essentially, we do our best to provide the majority of readers what they want, with topical issues covered when they arise.

I guess you’d be right in thinking we’re not Critic. We’re CANTA. It says so on the cover. :) – CANTA

the first bouncer just to be turned away by the second bouncer just because you happen to be a male enjoying the company of his friends and having a good time.

Multiple nights I have had to act like an unemotional statue just to get past security even when I am sober.

Please will you sort out you staff as they are causing more harm the good when it comes to The Foundry. I have friends that swear that they will never go back to The Foundry because of the way the security treated them.

Regards, A Concerned Foundry Goer.

Anon

A SOBERING THOUGHT

Hi Anon, You’re right - Critic is a bloody great magazine. We get every issue and devour it.

Thanks for your feedback on our content. CANTA is as good as it’s contributions from students.

If you don’t like it, or you feel you have better ideas, feel free to contribute!

I do wish to respectfully defend the content of CANTA in 2017. We’ve covered political interviews with David Seymour, Chloe Swarbrick and Andrew Little. We’ve looked into ‘conscious consumerism’, the toxic comment culture on campus, and homelessness

I am absolutely appalled by the attitude of the security at The Foundry. I was a sober driver for tonight, the last night of The Foundry and I was turned away for being “too intoxicated”.

This is absolutely disgusting to see the amount of bias towards males. I have been sober for the last few weeks, trying to clean up my act for exams and then when I am trying to help my friends have a good and safe night, I am denied entry because I am “too intoxicated”.

There is no drunk or intoxicated test to see if someone is actually drunk. You are at the mercy of the biased bouncers. You just have to wait in line for 45 minutes to get passed

Hey Concerned, This is always a hard one… and something that really needs some CSI level shit. We can’t vouch for what happens at The Foundry and from what I know, the bouncers there are firm but fair. I’d recommend contacting The Foundry directly.

If you could ask them when they’re removing the road cone off their roof too? It’s been a year and I’m starting to sweat. WHY WON’T ANYONE DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS. WHAT IF IT FLIES OFF AND HITS SOMEONE? I’m calling the police.

– CANTA

LETTER OF THE WEEK

Letters to the Editor

03

HI UCSA, I was wondering if the UCSA knew why the UC Rec Centre has continued with these “women only hours”? It seems ironically sexist.

Gary Gary, Gary, Gary. Ohhhh Gary.

We could answer this, but you’d probably get angry at us. Well, maybe not angry, but I guarantee you’d probably be really whiny about it. How about you just sit in your sleepout, pause your MMORPG and really, reeeeeallly think about why these hours exist. Come on now.

You’re at a tertiary institution!

Engage brain.

We asked Kat, the Manager of the Rec Centre to respond for you. She’s nicer than us. Here’s your answer: The UC Rec Centre implemented women-only hours as a trial when it was noted that despite membership being split evenly between men and women, the centre was mostly used by men. The centre also became aware of women who were, for cultural reasons, unable to use the gym with men. Some women have also indicated that they feel uncomfortable exercising with men. There has been no equivalent demand for men-only hours.

The women only hours occur over varying timeslots throughout the week, and in a room that is relatively underutilised. The women only hours account for 10% of the Rec Centre’s space, during 20% of the centres opening hours.

RIGHT HERE ON CAMPUS

There is no equipment in that room that is unavailable in the rest of the gym, so no other members are disadvantaged by this arrangement.

Feedback has been mostly positive, and indicated women who would otherwise be unable to exercise are now able to.

On that note; The UC Rec Centre is FREE to sign up for UC Students, and you can do it online. And did you know they even have WOMEN’S ONLY gym hours! Rad. Check them out here: canterbury.ac.nz/ucreccentre/

options to many students with similar allergies. Its no fun when you’re craving chips or wontons and can’t have them due to cross contamination. I really hope this can be put in place!

Morgan Hey Morgan – CANTA reached out to Tom, the UCSA Food and Beverage Manager.

I will look at the options here and come back to you Morgan, but being that the fryers are in close proximity there is never going to be a guarantee that there has not been any cross contamination unless we don’t stock the product at all.

I am happy to meet with you directly to discuss if you’d like. Just reach out.

Tom Lawson Food and Beverage Manager – UCSA

DON’T BE SHELLFISH CANTA, Regarding allergies, I myself am deadly allergic to shellfish, as are many students on campus.

The Wok, Burg, and The Greek all use the same fryer for everything, including the calamari. Any student with a shellfish allergy can’t eat anything from the fryer there (which is quite a lot of the food).

I have been pushing for that kitchen to get a small separate fryer for the calamari, so that cross contamination doesn’t occur with the rest of the food. It would be a one-off cost to buy a small fryer, but it would open up food

PS: One tip from CANTA is NEVER EAT SOMETHING THAT HAS A FACE. There. Sorted.

letters@canta.co.nz Snap @cantamag <1 0 0 w o r d s $25 U BS vouche r f o r Letter of the Week

Get your official UBS 1B8 planner for $2.50.

Bring in this copy of CANTA and get it half price!

Sell all UC text books Buy and sell second

All your stationery needs A large selection of fiction

(1 per person)

L e tte r s to th e Edi t o r

C’MON, GARY

04

LOCAL NEWS

SERIOUSLY, WHO KEEPS STEALING EVERY THING?

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n the lead-up to the week of Christmas, UC Security reported six flat break ins.

Also, if you haven’t seen the spate of posts on the UCSA Noticeboard, you’re not connected to the internet. There’s been over a two dozen posts in recent times on the UCSA Noticeboard stating burgled homes, stolen bikes and laptops.

This, unfortunately is nothing new.

Brittany McMahon posted the following on the Noticeboard: ‘Hey guys just a heads up, my MacBook air, its charger and handbag STOLEN out of my room last night WHILE I WAS HOME. My flatmate and I were in the house, I was in the lounge and she was in her room’ The best advice comes from UC Security.

‘Don’t rely on living in a student dense area, with close neighbours. Lock your doors when you leave the house, regardless of whether people are home or not. Know who is coming and going from your house, and if you do encounter someone who shouldn’t be there, then don’t approach them and try be the hero!’

Do we need to mention contents insurance? It’s so cheap and so worth it when you need it.

CANTAs top tip is to not own a single thing. Then the only thing people can steal from you is your time, and maybe bread if you’re eating a sandwich.

THREE FOR FREE

W

ajd El-Matary is a UC student in her final year studying towards a BA in Media, English and Marketing. She is also a talented makeup artist for Mecca Cosmetica, as well as maintaining Milkysounds.com, her platform for all things alternative music related. Her next venture has a distinct philanthropic vein.

RETURN THE CUPS AND NO ONE GETS HURT

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he Cup Library was an idea launched by The Sustainability Office and Nuts and Bolts Café in early October. A free cup to use, and less of a footprint on the environment, and on campus.

Like all dreams, this initiative was crushed immediately. 60 donated cups quickly turned in 4.

Yes, four cups. Where’d they go? Everywhere.

Naturally The Sustainability Office politely put the Cup Library on a hiatus.

What happens now? CANTA will offer up an anonymous amnesty. If you have any cups you mistakenly added to your flat, left in a bag for months, or potentially threw in a bin because of exam stress...come to us. Provide us with a decent, non chipped cup as a peace offering.

We’ll collect a new batch of mugs for the Sustainability Office and hand them over when they’re ready for Cup Library 2.0.

Just hand your magnificent ‘WORLD’S BEST DAD’ cups in to the UCSA Reception.

This time it’ll be different. Each cup will be fitted with a homing device that sends UC security to your location within 4 hours to escort you back to Nuts and Bolts. See? Great use of your student levy.

Starting February 20th, Wajd will have three weekly appointments for a makeup session.

This initiative is called Three for Free.

Wajd says “Three for Free is to create awareness about a disease in which my family has been closely affected, called MS. Multiple Sclerosis is an auto immune disease targeting anyone of any age bracket, and unfortunately my very own mum.”

Wajd has made this initiative really simple.

“All you have to do is book as soon as my appointments become available (since they definitely won’t be around for long). Rock up to your appointment, and afterwards share a quick post on any social media with a link to the donation page requesting your Facebook/Instagram/Twitter friends to donate to the MS Society of New Zealand. There is obviously no pressure to donate at all. All I ask is for you to help spread the word with donating.”

For those of you connected to Wellington, Wajd will also have some appointments available in the capital.

For more information, check out Wajd’s socials below: Instagram @wajdmua Email wajd@milkysounds.com www.msnz.org.nz

05 Local news

LAURA ROBINSON’S NEW INTERNATIONAL VOLUNTER ORGANISATION: PURPOSE PROJECTS

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xec Vice President Laura Robinson is a partner with two international organisations, one in Uganda called Hope Line Organization and a second in Tanzania called Small Steps for Compassion. Over the summer she took a trip with a few UC students to both of these countries in East Africa.

Laura was fortunate to receive a scholarship with the UC Centre for Entrepreneurship to work on her own start-up venture – Purpose Projects.

The basics of Purpose Projects is to follow a ‘whole circle approach’ to volunteering.

Laura is developing a website which will provide students with a hub for local jobs, online progress tracking and interactive fundraising tools.

Laura says “The community is therefore paying a donation that goes 100% towards a school in exchange for a service.”

The students then travel at the end of the year build the school and volunteer in various community development programs.

“I volunteered three years ago and have been back every year since, it is one of the best experiences I will ever have as a student. Our mission of Purpose Projects is to drive international community development, while impacting our local community for a purposeful new approach to student volunteering.

We would love for you to join the journey too.”

For more information to get involved with fundraising for a school or to volunteer check out: Website – purposeprojects.org.nz Facebook - fb.com/purposeprojects Instagram – purpose_projects

This starts with local community jobs, which are completed by students, with the resulting benefits going to developing communities around the world.

Students can apply at the start of the year to fundraise collectively to build a school overseas.

They have three set costs equalling to $5000 – these comprise of a fundraising donation, flights and assorted travel costs.

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Welcome to this week’s edition of Ben Appetit, where I risk food poisoning and my professional image to make your fivers go further at UC’s cafes and restaurants. This week, a trip to:

NUTS AND BOLTS

U

rban legend says you could technically live out of Eng Core, but does Nuts and Bolts really live up to being your sole source of sustenance?

Welcome to Ben Appetit, the food column only four people wanted but you’re all getting anyway. This week, I took a trip to Nuts and Bolts.

I’d say Nuts and Bolts is better than most at getting your order quickly. Queues can be somewhat long because there is only one food till. I imagine the timeliness being worse in peak lunch hours, but that’s honestly irrelevant once you get your food. The Vengaboys’ ‘Boom Boom Boom!!’ was playing as I waited in line too so I don’t really have any complaints.

An adjacent cafe with its own till also operates, which offsets most of the main queue. All up it’s really well run. Nuts and Bolts has amazing customer service.

Situated in the relatively new and hip Eng Core, Nuts and Bolts has some relatively trendy food to match. My haul consisted of a fish and chip combo

This pun on the USCA website gave me hope while also making me want to spontaneously combust.

with coleslaw, a falafel burger, an apple and cinnamon muffin, and (my first ever) Blue V. The muffin was great, but also a touch pricey--coming in at $4. But, if that price is too much to pay for a muffin, one could easily replace it with a substantial and attractive vegetarian pizza bread for the same price. Yes, I started with dessert like the dumb wannabe food critic I am. The burger was also really wholesome; the falafel was so good that the Souvlaki Man™ better watch his back. The fish was delicious and the crinkle cut chips were 10/10. The coleslaw, however, was the same old Bush Road that anyone can find in a New World deli, but I let it slide because for $6 all up it was a solid student deal. Now I can hear you thinking right now, “How’d you stretch out your coin so well?” V-Plates.

V-Plates are awesome; get one if you haven’t already.

The trusty V-Plate also meant my Blue V was only two bucks! All up, $18.80, and no dinner necessary. Iconic.

Overall, Nuts and Bolts is a great time. Highly recommend the veggie options and the combo deals.

Go at like 11am when they’re still brimming with food, just before the lunch rush. I’d say it goes above and beyond what’s required for it to be your sole food provider as someone calling Nuts and Bolts home.

EIGHT OUT OF TEN BENS

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What we do...

SPORT

UC Sport facilitate student involvement in sport through a range of competitions and development programmes that complement their education. We offer a huge range of sporting opportunities for UC students, so get involved to keep fit while meeting people and having fun!

Sport Competitions...

The UC Sport Social Sport Competition runs every week day afternoon during term time. These competitions are for UC students only and are held at the RecCentre. A range of sports are held, and entries are all taken online at the UC Sport website.

If you’re after something a little more competitive, but don’t want the commitment of joining a club, Uni League Competitions are perfect for you. These are competitive sport leagues held on campus, generally held in the evening or on weekends. Our annual Interhall Championship is a must-do for anyone living in UC accommodation. Halls compete in a range of sporting events over the year to determine a Men’s, Women’s and Overall Champion Hall! To represent your hall contact your RA.

UC Falcons Sports Academy...…

UC Sport run the UC Falcons Sports Academy for high performing student-athletes at UC. High level athletes are encouraged to apply to join the academy, by registering on our website. Academy members receive a range of performance support and services, including: Athlete Training Centre access, supervised strength & conditioning sessions, individualised training programmes, sport specific testing, Athlete Education workshops, Sport Science support and Student Success support.

Run Canterbury...…

The Run Canterbury training group is the perfect group to join to take your run training to the next level. Members can choose to train towards either a 10km, half marathon, or full marathon, and receive the following benefits: Comprehensive training and support package, two group runs each week lead by pack leaders, a Free BLK running T-shirt for all new members, and a tailored training plan towards your choice of running event. Registrations are taken via the website.

For more information on any of our programmes head to www.canterbury.ac.nz/sport and like our page at fb.com/ucsport to keep an eye on registrations opening.

UTSNZ Championships…

UC Sport manages the UC Falcons sport teams, who compete against other New Zealand universities at the University and Tertiary Sport New Zealand Championships. Teams are selected for 10 events held throughout the year. All UC students are eligible for selection. The full sporting calendar is available on our website, with links to register your interest in trialling to represent UC.

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Profiling the best clubs and events on campus

ENTRÉ

W

ant the opportunity to give your business idea a shot? Or network with experts that are at the top of their fields? Then entré is the place for you!

Entré is a not-for-profit University of Canterbury company, run by students for students!

Our mission is to provide students of all ages and cohorts with the chance to explore their entrepreneurship side by hosting competitions, networking events and educational workshops. In 2018 entré is shaking things up with a range of competitions that aren’t just for striving entrepreneurs, but for anyone that wants to explore their creative side and give things a shot. Keep an eye out for us on club’s day!

BIOSOC

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ioSoc is a club dedicated to building a community for both biologists and enthusiasts to meet like minded individuals.

We strive to encourage passion in science and environmental protection. Biology, as well as most disciplines, is a field filled with passionate people, who all come from diverse backgrounds, and who lead incredible lives. Our club is made up of people from all over the world, and our events make it possible to get to know these people. Every year we continue to grow, and we would love to see more people get involved.

We have some great events planned for next year including a BBQ, David Attenborough Games, TriSci Ball, tutorials and quiz nights! Keep an eye on this page for all the details!

Thanks to all the people who have supported us in previous years and welcome to all new comers!

Please contact us at biosoc.uc@gmail.com Follow us on Facebook at Biosoc (page) or Biosoc Forum (group) Follow us on IG at biosoc.uc

PHYSSOC

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hysSoc is all about putting on kick ass events, to inspire interest in physics and astronomy in everyone, regardless of their discipline. Build your own liquid nitrogen-powered rocket at our Cold Rocket Challenge, experience the wonders of a world class dark sky reserve around a campfire at our epic Twin Peaks trip to Lake Tekapo, and launch a home-made glider off the Port Hills at our Glider Challenge!

09 C l u b Pr o m o te r

Law For Change ENSOC

H

oly Hecker welcome to 2018!

If you are new to UC welcome and if you’re returning it’s always a pleasure never a chore.

Last year was a ripper of a year for ENSOC and we managed to win SUPREME clubs for 2017!! We hope to keep the ball rolling this year with some absolute classic events with some new ones on the horizon (Keep your eyes peeled)!

Just a bit about ENSOC, The University of Canterbury Engineering Society Inc. was founded in 1897 by Professor Robert J Scott, and is one of the oldest surviving student clubs at the University of Canterbury.

ENSOC has evolved a lot over its 120 year life and nowadays strives to make its members life at university better through academic, professional and social events.

If you are a fresher and are reading this a few pieces of advice, 1. Join as many clubs as possible and just get stuck into meeting new people! Clubs at UC are so unique and make university life so mint.

2. Go to your tutorials If you have any questions about ENSOC, University life or just want to chat hit me up!

Hugh Knight E: president@ensoc.com M: 0277468120

LAW FOR CHANGE

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aw For Change Canterbury is focussed on empowering young New Zealanders to use their legal skills to create positive change in the community.

We’re passionate about legal practice in the service of otherwise unrepresented or underrepresented people or interests.

This is public interest law, and covers many areas, such as access to justice, environmental issues, criminal defence, and human rights.

We seek to strengthen public interest law in New Zealand, by motivating young lawyers to work in this area of law, uniting like-minded individuals, and sparking further debate about the role of lawyers in our society.

We host a Lunch for Change each term where we invite speakers to come and talk to us about topics that are in the public interest, including fair trade, law reform, and immigration. Our Projects team is dedicated to providing volunteer experiences with local law firms and other groups making a difference in the community. We also put on social events for our members, such as a documentary screening and a quiz night.

Our vision is of a vibrant, principled, and progressive legal community in New Zealand that is committed to addressing unmet legal needs and using law as a tool to make a difference.

Join us today! canterbury@lawforchange.org.nz fb.com/lawforchangecanterbury/

MUSOC

M

USOC’s newest musical season, ‘Guys & Dolls’ is set to open on the 7th of September to a wide audience at the Jack Mann auditorium. The season is to run for 8 performances closing on the 28th of February, closing on 10th March. This season has received direction from Megan Connolly and Daniel Brown, with musical direction from Luke Longworth and choreography from Monique Nixon.

Gambler Nathan Detroit has few options for the location of his big craps game. Needing $1,000 to pay a garage owner to host the game, Nathan bets Sky Masterson that Sky cannot get virtuous Sarah Brown out on a date. Despite some resistance, Sky negotiates a date with her in exchange for bringing people into her mission.

Meanwhile, Nathan’s longtime fiancée, Adelaide, wants him to go legit and marry her.

MUSOC is the University of Canterbury’s premiere musical theatre club, and fall under the guidance of the UCSA. Staging productions for over 50 years, the club is well known amongst the Christchurch theatre scene. This is Musoc’s first major production for 2018, with their annual Arts Month Cabaret to follow shortly after Tickets available online and on the door: www.musoc.org.nz/tickets Use the code CANTAROX for $5.00 tickets

Submit your club to be featured in CANTA | < 300 WORDS | 3x PICS |canta.editor@gmail.com

10 17

HOW TO: SURVIVE ORIENTATION L

eaving behind 2017 has been an absolute highlight of the year so far. Not only do we say goodbye to the bad memories, we open the door to endless possibilities (+ more memes) and get the chance to do everything over all over again, but right this time. D’ya get what I mean?

O’Week is an absolute blast, don’t get me wrong.

But if I had the opportunity to look back at myself back three years ago and change the way I went about it I totally would. After countless nights of contemplation and going back down ol’ memory lane, I’ve managed to put my bad experiences to good use to provide you with a thorough guide on how to survive O’Week.

TIP #1:

TIP #2:

WEAR COMFORTABLE CLOTHING!

Honestly this may sound like the stupidest tip ever, but the amount of times I’ve seen people dressed in fancy toga’s taking off their emrboided gowns throughout the night is unreal. A good motto is that it will either be A) too dark for anyone to see what you’re wearing and B) everyone is drunk anyway so rejoice in the ability to wear whatever you may like! Comfort comes first. A great pair of old converse can go a LONG way. Keep your heels and Doc Martens at home, the floor mixed with drunk uni students = a combo for shoe disaster.

As long as you feel great looking good will come naturally. Don’t quote me on that tho

BE AWARE OF THE PORTALOOS AND PEE BEFORE YOU LEAVE THE HOUSE!

No, seriously, portaloos are great and all but they are also manky as heck. Keep in mind that you are obvi not the only one using these bad boys, and think about the number of germs in your vicinity! I highly recommend packing extra toilet paper in your little sidebag or pockets, + a mini hand sanitiser because it gets so damn nasty. In my first O’week I decided squatting over the toilet was the best way to go about peeing in the literal shit hole. Next, I found myself losing balance and toppling over into something that was NOT a pile of mud. You figure out what happened next. Just, be careful okay?!

TIP #3:

WATCH YOUR CONSUMPTION.

Watch your drinks and make sure you’re taking care of yourself through any event you go to. There’s honestly no point in telling you not to pre-drink, because you’ll probably do it anyway, but there is a point in making sure you are looking after yourself and taking care.

Download the ‘Sober Self’ bot in the messenger app on your phone for a discount on all Uber’s Thursday through Sunday. If you desperately have to walk through Ilam fields at night make sure you take someone you trust! Also, there’s no point in lying to security about how many drinks you’ve had, they legit have a sixth sense that can help them predict how much you’ve had to drink.. fo’ real

11

WATCH OUT FOR YOUR HOMIES. There is nothing and I mean NOTHING worse than going out with your friends and realising you’re going to have to be the parent of the night. Having to look after your friend because they’re borderline stomach pumping absolutely sucks when you’re just getting started, but you have to make sure you stay by them no matter what. Binge drinking culture in New Zealand is so widely referred to and spoken about because it is a real issue. Instead of me, single handedly trying to fix this problem, I’m going to tell you to not be a selfish dick ,and stick with your friends. Not only will they be super supportive when they’re back to their sober self, you can even sneak in a few pics for that quality content when their birthday comes around. All those perks with being able to sleep at night knowing your friend is safe in bed! It’s a win win.

TIP #5:

GO HARD OR GO HOME! ~ Haha~ . No seriously. Enjoy the night whether you’re drinking or not! O’Week is basically the universities way of saying “we appreciate you’re about to enter a shitty time of your life and you’re gonna be hella stressed 24/7, so make sure you spend this week trying to forget about all that!”. O’Week funnily enough becomes something of a distant memory once you go further into your degree. It’s important to sit back, relax, and remember this is gonna be one of the best weeks of yo LIFE! And if you prefer to not go to O’Week, that’s totally fine too! Spend the first week at uni reflecting on 2017 and indulge in whatever it is that makes you happy. It’s a great way to make friends and have a good time before the storm hits. So sit back, relax, and make some damn good memories y’all.

By Wajd El-Matary

ORI FALSE FACTS with JOSHUA – Orientation started with Lord Xenu landing in what is now called Ilam Fields. After cutting through dense antipodean ferns he located a tree filled with fermented berries where he promptly became wasted.

– Post Orientation events, The UCSA team supplement 80% of their salaries from selling lost sunglasses on Trademe.

– 73% of Orientation hookups fail due to lack of hydration and musty-ass breath.

– 2017’s headliner Marshmello was actually a masked Vice Chancellor Rod Carr on the decks.

– A total of 36 freshers have wandered away from events and accidentally trained to become teachers.

– The youngest underager blocked at the entrance to an event was a 18 month old named Ernie.

– The largest contraband item confiscated at an event was an African Grey Parrot called Susan.

Celebs spotted at previous Orientation events include: – Paddy Gower in a Shrek mask and speedos – Lorde (this is contested; rumour it was a discarded Hagrid wig in a wind storm) – The salsa dancing emoji – Sonny Bill Williams duct taped to Taika Waititi – The Briscoes Lady, trying to get backstage to meet Dj Fresh (2015) – The ghost of the horse from Lord Of The Rings

H o w to : Su r vi ve O r i e n t a t i o n

TIP #4:

ANTI S

OCIAL

ADD US ON SNAPCHAT! ADD US ON SNAPCHAT! ADD US ON SNAPCHAT! ADD US ON SNAPCHAT! ADD US ON SNAPCHAT! ADD US ON SNAPCHAT! ADD US ON SNAPCHAT! ADD US ON SNAPCHAT! ADD US ON SNAPCHAT! ADD US ON SNAPCHAT! ADD US ON SNAPCHAT! ADD US ON SNAPCHAT! ADD US ON SNAPCHAT!

16 14

FLAT FAMOUS

15 17

W

e are the boys from the 222: The Zoo. The zoo is currently holding Trent Reynolds (Cincinnati’s finest) captive as supervised by Cameron (Cap’n Cones) Forlong. Security manager Gus (The Bus) Higgie, over sees operations alongside Matthew Barry (Baztard). Green-keeper Alex (the destroyer) Schroder takes care of things at the ground level while zookeeper Jaedyn Epplett keeps the birds warm.

The Zoo won some goodies from Harrington’s!

Wanna win YOUR flat something similar?

Email CANTA@CANTA.CO.NZ telling us why you’re flat’s so bloody spectacular and you could be featured in FLAT FAMOUS!

Photography by Java Katzur

18

LEWIS AND HIS BLOODY THEORIES: GOLF CART ILLUMINATI M

y gullible friends, things are not as they seem. Conspiracy theorists these days are quick to talk about these things called ‘black helicopters’, sent by the government to hover ominously over people who might be on to the truth about things (such as if we landed on the moon, or who really killed JFK, or why people buy the $9 burger from the falafel truck when we already have $2 rice aplenty). It seems stupid, bordering on the absurd, but what if I told you that we here at the university have been playing host to our OWN variety of ominous, dark and mysterious vehicles?

Each and every day, golf carts bearing the USCA logo speed around the campus. Now, think – have you ever seen one of those carts idling? The answer is no, they are always on the move. Logically, someone would drive around these carts to reach some sort of destination, right? What exactly is so important that it requires being whisked across campus at a speedy 5mph? Why can’t they simply walk to their destination?

FURTHERMORE, have you actually looked at the carts themselves? There is no room for anything

other than the sole occupant, not even a storage box.

So WHAT exactly is the true motive behind these mysterious vehicles?!

A brief search of the interwebs (home of the familiar tinfoil-hat-wearing loons who spend hours finding hidden triangles in pictures involving world leaders) revealed this: “A golf cart (called golf car in ANSI standard Z130.1, since “carts” are not self-propelled) [1] is a small vehicle designed originally to carry two golfers and their golf clubs around a golf course or on desert trails with less effort than walking.” So basically, we have a giant campus akin to golf resorts, and walking doesn’t cut it when you’re ASSUMINGLY delivering food trays, books, computer parts, signage and various other sinister paraphernalia around UC. You know how ELSE plays golf? Donald Trump. Yeah, think about that.

I decided to go right to the big kahuna itself and rang up University itself. While, as expected, I didn’t get any straight-forward answers from the establishment, I was, however, helped by several nice people with planning out my curriculum – help which

19

Still not convinced?

Then maybe you should consider these

ME: “What do you know about the black golf carts?”

STUDENT: “Uh…” ME: “C’mon, you must know something.”

STUDENT: “I’m sorry, do I know you?”

ME: “Not unless you work for the government.”

STUDENT: “Cool, um, I’m just gonna eat my lunch over there now.”

...

ABOVE: When mapped out, the routes the carts drive appear conveniently inconspicuous. However, is it hiding a more SINISTER purpose?!

I needed, considering how the time I was dedicating to solving this sinister wheeled plot was taking out of potential homework time. A good study schedule is key to balancing a social life with a decent GPA, kids.

You’re paying for your education, after all.

Now, being the dutiful reporter that I am, I couldn’t just accept the explanations given to me by the supposed ringleaders of this conspiracy. So it was that I, overcome with an urge for justice, jumped on to one of these carts as it was making its rounds between classes; ME: “Who are you working for?”

DRIVER: “Wh--” ME: “The globalists? The aliens? The lizard people?

It’s the lizard people, isn’t it!?”

DRIVER: “Sir, please get off the vehicle.”

ME: “The people need to know the truth! You will not intimidate us any more by riding around campus and--” DRIVER: “Get off or I will call campus security.”

Once again silenced by the fascist regime. So, gullible friends, what do you make of all this? Is there more too these golf carts than we think? Are they a possible indicator of something more than what we can comprehend? Did I come up with all this at 11:24 a few weeks ago after I had too much rum and cokes and maybe or maybe not butchered Blink 182’s “What’s My Age Again?” on Singstar for PS2? Perhaps we will never know…

ME: “Excuse me?”

STUDENT: “Yeah?”

ME: “You wouldn’t know anything about those golf carts, do you?”

STUDENT: “The what?”

ME: “Y’know, the black golf carts that ride around campus.”

STUDENT: “No, dude. It’s eight in the morning and you’re making me late for Linear Algebra.”

...

ME: “Do you notice those black golf carts going around the campus each and every day?”

STUDENT: “Dude what?”

ME: “You must be a bit curious, right? Very strange goings on, yeah” STUDENT: “I dunno, man, I don’t really notice it. I— sorry, is this for something?”

ME: “Yes, I’m doing investigative reporting for CANTA.” STUDENT: “Oh, nah. CANTA is trash, dude. Miss me with that trash.” (student skates off on his heelies like the 12 year old he is)

...

ME: “C’mon now, I can’t be the only one who’s noticing all the irregularities in this scheme, right?!”

BURG WORKER: “You’ve been talking about cloud people for five minutes, guy. Are you gonna pay for this souvlaki or not?”

By Lewis Hoban

Watch the skies – and the roads. * in case you couldn’t pick it up, this is all satirical. Take everything with a grain of salt.

20

for post grads, by post grads

H EY POST GR ADS! W

elcome back for 2018! While I’m sure many of us have been here over the summer, chipping away at the Sisyphean thesis draft, others will be coming back from a well-deserved holiday, or joining our ranks for the very first time. For all of you, this article serves as a bit of an introduction to the Post Graduate Students Association (PGSA); what we’re here for, what events we’re running, and how you can stay informed about what’s happening in the postgraduate community.

Who are you, and what does the PGSA actually do…?

The PGSA is a club registered under the UCSA which organises a range of social, and academic events for any and all postgraduate students to enjoy.

Our executive is made up of Honours, Masters, and PhD students who volunteer their time to help build the postgraduate community up here at UC. We’re here to make the experience of the postgraduate the best as it can be for you. So we also advocate post-graduate interests in the wider university. If you’re having problems in your Uni life, you can get in touch with our advocacy officer or any other member of our exec through our email.

What kind of events are on?

We run a whole range of events from social events to help you unwind, to academic events to help you be the best researcher you can be. Our social events include term BBQ’s, Quiz Nights, Movie nights, and our extremely popular annual ball! On the academic side of things, we have “Showcase” like a terrarium conference which gives you a chance to practice your talking skills, learn about the great research which goes on at Canterbury, and win prizes at the same time.

We can’t go through all our events here, so check out our website. Also follow us on Facebook to see our events calendar, and be reminded when they are coming up.

Sounds great! Where do I sign up?

Come see us on clubs day and we can sign you up!

We’re super excited to bring you a bunch of helpful and fun events this year and would love to hear any suggestions, or ideas you have on events you’d like to attend. If you can’t make it to clubs day, you can also sign up through our website ( www.ucpgsa.org ) and also follow the PGSA on Facebook.

We also manage the postgraduate noticeboard on Facebook. This is a great place to find study participants, or to talk shop with other postgrad students.

Membership is free. So there’s not much reason not to! If you joined last year, remember you need to re-join this year to be on our current member list.

By Claude Meffan

C AN T A fe a tu r e

YHA 101

Join at yha.co.nz, use the code UCSA18, SAVE $10

5 Reasons why staying at YHA is your BEST option

1. Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s cheap - beds from $29 2. Clean, comfortable, quality facilities (and free wifi*) 3. Private ensuite for shy types, shared dorms for more social travellers.

4. Central locations, you can walk to the pub!

5. $10 off membership, then keep saving 10% on direct bookings at YHA.co.nz *2GB of Free WiFi per day at all YHA Managed hostels

www.yha.co.nz

TA I NVESTIGATES: NTA CANTA CANTA CANTA CANTA CANTA

II NVESTIGATES: NVESTIGATES: I NVESTIGATES: I NVESTIGATES: I NVESTIGATES:

CANT CAN CAN

CANTA CANTA CANTA CANTA CANTA CA

AC NT

ontributor K

II NVESTIGATES: NVESTIGATES: I NVESTIGATES: I NVESTIGATES: I NVESTIGATES: atie

Ha r

r is d

igs into th

e

g w in gr o

t re n d

B

otox. A word once whispered around circles of Merivale mothers, now more akin to a younger, more photographically conscious demographic.

Cosmetic procedures are entrenched in the fabric of Western society- not only in the wealthy, aging population but increasingly with millennials.

Myself (up until last week) was naive, unaware of how pervasive cosmetic surgery was in our society.

I mean, I knew Kylie Jenner did it, but Sophie* from uni hall.... surely not.

Halfway through a YouTube yoga session with Bohobeautiful* we started chatting about boob jobs and I asked if she would ever get anything done- her response “Well... err, I already have”. She’s nineteen.

A Lip augmentation, Juvederm- her poison of choice.

Getting your ‘lips done’ shot to stardom late 2015 following Kylie Jenner’s tell-all, where she finally revealed she too had work done to ‘correct’ her lackluster lips.

of cosm

etic

p ro

t ar c e du res…. S

n at U t in g

i Hall.

It was only a matter of time before the ‘selfie’ generation discovered a knife can do what a filter cannot.

Gerri- an upmarket nurse at a cosmetic surgery clinic stated, “The market is definitely shifting to a younger clientele especially Millennials.....These trends are heavily influenced by celebrities such as Kylie Jenner who appears to have had a considerable amount of cosmetic procedures done for someone of her age” With 70% of consumers considering non-invasive treatments1, it’s no wonder more and more millennials are seeking cosmetic procedures.

Are we suffering an epidemic of low self-esteem? Or are we merely keeping up with technology and what it can offer us?

Generation Z is the most photographed generation.

With this, comes a whole host of insecurities that would otherwise be missed by the naked eye. Every

23 aspect of our outward appearance is scrutinized on social media- from how big your nose is, to that extra keg still sitting around your mid-region from first year.

We all want to look good- whether you like to admit it or not. Being good-looking not only increases your chances at love, but also means you will on average be paid more, more likely to get jobs over those who are less attractive and get better grades! But at what cost?

Whilst the safety and aesthetics of non-invasive treatments have improved, can the same be said for the potential mental health consequences of its glorification.

Susceptible young minds are seeing preened images throughout Instagram and are driven to the depths of self-deprecation to even feel like they are enough. Despite the seemingly dystopian reality we are now facing in regards to plastic surgery- it’s not all doom and gloom.

kind of beauty. Touting a new pair of lips might be the latest fashion trend, the sacrifice, however, may be permanent.

The devastating links between depression and breast augmentation were highlighted in a 20072 study which revealed that women who had the surgery were three times more likely to commit suicide. However, this harrowing statistic does only show a correlation.

Worryingly, around 5% of those seeking cosmetic surgery suffer from BDD (Body Dysmorphic Disorder), a mental illness where sufferers are fixated on and constantly worried about their appearance. Of those who suffer BDD, many never seek proper psychiatric treatment and assume the only way to quiet the inside hatred is by fixing the perceived problem.

With young people turning to cosmetic surgery, the underlying issue of BDD is not being treated and can lead sufferers down a dark path where the only way they can feel is through perverse alterations at any cost. Whether it be back ally surgery or DIY jobs.

TA I NVESTIGATES: NTA NVESTIGATES: TA IINVESTIGATES: Once an act of self-mutilation, it is argued now as a way for individuals to fight against the patriarchy and take control over how they look. We no longer have to accept the genetic lottery and (in a way) we can control our own destiny. Who can blame us?

Seriously, for those occasions when a push-up bra just doesn’t cut the mustard, you can’t deny how handy it would be to give the girls a little extra oomph.

Furthermore, males aren’t exempt. Despite the ever-trendy women’s campaigns about self-love and body acceptance, men are treated as if they aren’t affected by body dysmorphia and the like (sans the dad bod phase). There are extreme pressures on those identifying as men to be strong, broad and more importantly- possess a large member.

The American Society of Aesthetic Plastic surgery revealed that cosmetic procedures on men have increased by 325% since 1997.

For males, there is also greater stigma surrounding getting ‘work done’. Even admitting to some form of body dissatisfaction is regarded in many male circles as a weakness. If men are brave enough to get something surgically altered, they may face a lifetime of discrimination for ‘fixing’ their insecurity.

No matter what we think, cosmetic surgery and no-invasive enhancements are here to stay. At a point in time where actually liking how you look is an act of rebellion, if something is so bothersome- why not get it fixed? So long as we can recognise that changing your outward appearance won’t fix what is internally broken.

So, get the damn boob job if you like, but know that no amount of Botox put in or fat sucked out will satiate your inner body demons if you don’t love yourself.

Unlike the generations before us, admitting to surgical enhancements can be seen as a status symbol as opposed to a sign of insecurity and weakness.

References:

With the average cost of a boob job sitting between $13,000 and $15,0003, not everyone can ‘afford’ this

By Katie Harris

1. https://www.asds.net/2017-consumer-survey/ 2. https://www.webmd.com/beauty/news/20070810/ breast-implant-suicide-link-confirmed#1 3. http://plasticsurgeons.nz/pricing-financing/

THE RDU

GIG GUIDE RDU PRESENTS MARLON WILLIAMS 23 May, The Foundry

New Zealand’s Marlon Williams will release his sophomore album, Make Way For Love, on February 16th via Caroline. Known for his effortlessly distinctive voice, Make Way For Love marks Marlon’s exponential growth as a songwriter.

Throughout 11 original songs, he explores new musical terrain and reveals himself in an unprecedented way in the wake of a fractured relationship.

In conjunction with this album announcement, Marlon announces an international tour and shares the album’s penultimate track, “Nobody Gets What They Want…

BLINDBOY PAXTON TUE 13TH FEB Location: The Piano Tickets: Event Finda

The d4 FRI 23rd FEB Location: Space Academy Tickets: UnderTheRadar.co.nz

25

Come see us on the 21st or 22nd of February Clubs Day and sign up!

TuneSoc’s Summer of Music Stoked as a Goat Yo mah dude! I was Stoked as a Goat to see Smoked Moats playing RnV! Wait don’t you mean Soaked Oats? Ah that sounds about right!

This wee band from the dirty South Island rocked out Avocado Aficionado, matching the bigger acts, affirming the Dunedin and Christchurch sound as the future of Kiwi rock’n’roll. Even with the distinct lack of actual avocados, they still rocked-my-socks and soothed-my-soul. I have to say at the end of their set we were very stoked as goats in a boat.

Old Drunk People Kinda Suck Generally, intimate gigs escape the mass hysteria of large concerts and the people who are just there to drink shitty beer from plastic cups while selfrighteously stumbling to the front as the opening song plays. Most of the time you can avoid these people and

create a special moment everyone can enjoy.

This is what I anticipated when I attended the Liam and Neil Finn “Where’s My Room” Show at the Oxford town hall. And while the band were stella, the night was somewhat saturated by a few old farts who felt that free university and black and white TV entitled them to heckle and laugh their way through the show, much to the frustration of the crowd and the band.

I Went to Bay Dreams (kinda) As the title may suggest, I didn’t make it into Bay Dreams.

How did this happen you may ask? Short answer, I unintentionally went drink-for-drink with a much larger friend, by deciding to share a bottle of vodka between the two of us.

Spending two hours in the drunk tent was not the Bay Dreams experience that I was expecting, where I mistook the lovely South African woman looking after me for my Mum (apparently lol).

But on the bright-side, I didn’t have a hangover because I spent the afternoon sleeping whoops.

Salmonella Tikki-led my Tane Salmonella is the name of a group of bacteria, it is one of the most common causes of food poisoning in the United States.

Salmonella Dub is the name of a group of delicious drum ‘n’ bass cross reggae musicians, they are one of the most common causes of gig addition in New Zealand.

However, their Christchurch show was expenny and I forgot about it. So, on Saturday when I was cycling through Hagley and heard that norty doof doof my withdrawal symptoms swallowed me up. I had to see them again. Except this time it wasn’t at the front of the mosh, but through the bars of the fence.

Didn’t matter, ooooosh it Tikki-led my Tane.

By Hayden Slaughter

RDU gig guide

Do you wanna keep on rock’n in the free world like Neil Young? Do you have clout like Lil Pump? Do you wanna be in the next Mako Road? Or are you just keen to hear some of the best musicians play your favourite tunes all over campus?

TuneSoc is your number 1 stop for all things music at UC. Are you keen to: - Play music and meet other musicians?

- Start a band?

- Make some cash?

- Learn an instrument?

- Be involved in competitions like Battle of the Bands and Acoustic Comp?

- Or just come to some amazing gigs?

26

Letter To My First Year Self is a new feature in CANTA where you get the chance to impart some wisdom on your younger, maybe dumber self.

To my fresher and more naive self, Congrats on getting us through a colourful first year of university. We had a jam-packed year of socialising, studying (periodically), losing all but one interhall sports event (Women’s Fustal was a very emotional victory for our team), student volunteer army-ing, confusing drunk people with life advice taped to lemons at Tea Party, buying gin with student allowance, and beginning to call Christchurch home.

Our first few days were somewhat chaotic, trying get our bearings around the campus grounds, moving in with 74 strangers, getting hyped about O’week, navigating a new city, and remembering all the things we forgot to pack for the flight down south. It was also a readjustment to be cooking our own meals again, because mother dearest was nowhere in sight.

Thankfully we passed everything, including good ol’ STAT101, in spite of our love hate relationship with Chi-squares and linear regression. We purchased many date scones from Café 101, witnessed more than enough vomit sessions by hall friends, skyped our parents and told them yes we were making friends Mum and yes we were studying hard for exams Dad, and learned a lot about ourselves via relationships, chats with friends, self-reflection and wearing our big girl pants.

We stuck out like a sore thumb on the streets of Christchurch with our dungarees, tartan vests and side ponytail wearing fashion choices, had the opportunity to explore the wonders of the South Island for the first time, and signed up for too many clubs on clubs day. Shout out to all the stalls who provided me with free pens and other funky merchandise. We did dumb things when we were drunk and dumb things when we were sober – eating soil is actually a sign of anaemia Abby, and you need to check yourself before you wreck yourself.

We ambitiously picked up Biology despite having not done it since year 11, and subsequently dropped it only months later (love you Pieter, thanks for making Plant Diversity genuinely entertaining). We changed majors three times in one semester, and finally settled

on a double major that we love and want to excel in. We got excited about the free gym membership on campus, went hard for about 6 weeks, and then decided that sleeping in was more far important than pumping iron at ungodly hours. We sung our little heart out in the MuSoc cabaret, got used to a funky new sleep schedule, read too much CANTA and not enough course material, and discovered the hidden gem of the whimsical campus community gardens.

I think you thought, having already had a gap year, that first year would be fairly straightforward, but you weren’t prepared for the dreaded statistics assignments (that took a lot of mental gymnastics), or for standing in gumboot pants in the middle of Okeover Stream in order to measure the velocity of the water. You didn’t anticipate lecturers not replying to your emails and you definitely didn’t expect to be writing essays about segmented worms using peristalsis to move. (It was surprisingly quite fascinating, and something my mind never would have pondered otherwise.)

I would tell first year Abby to go easy on the Little Fat Lambs, buy hot chips less and study for Biology more, to not bother buying course related books unless you’re certain you will actually need them, try a lot harder in French class, embrace your weirdness, forgive yourself for your mistakes (just be sure to learn from them) and forgive others also, don’t stress so much, find study buddies early and don’t let them go, resign yourself to the fact that you’ll never find a free eng core booth, reach out to friends and family when your mental health starts to slip, don’t overcommit yourself or try to do everything at once, call your parents more, and tell your mates how much you love and appreciate them.

Lots of love,

Future Abby

28

HOW TO: SURVIVE LIVING IN THE HALLS W

elcome to the halls. You’ll see some unholy meals being created, hit rock bottom at least once a week and learn that doing things last minute can actually mean finishing an essay after the hand in time. (you only lose 5% if its more than 24 hours late).

Despite this, in hindsight, it’ll be one of the best years of your life. To help you through here’s a list of the mistakes commonly made, and some tips on how to avoid them.

MYSTERY MEAT:

The first challenge on the menu is – well, the menu.

Whether you end up in a catered hall or feeding yourself, at some point you’ll wish you didn’t have taste buds. For those of you thinking that a catered hall is going to be like your mums cooking – think again.

Get ready for mystery meat served with a side of unwashed, wilted leaf.

Self-catering may seem like a good strategy to avoid the host of unfortunate dishes that the hall catering staff might dream up.

If you don’t know what you are doing, scurvy could become a real possibility.

Planning your meals for the week and going food shopping will hold back the tide of hash brown sandwiches and maccas runs.

Having a vegetable every now and then will keep your teeth firmly in your gums and eating your colours doesn’t mean consuming an entire bag of Skittles.

Food also has a pretty big effect on your mood. Ice cream for breakfast may seem like a good idea, but not when you crash a few hours later and you feel like sweaty garbage left out in the sun. Similarly, it’s much easier to do that last minute assignment if you have more in your stomach than Red Bull and No Doz. Keep your food locker or snack drawer stocked, ready for the onslaught of stressful nights and early mornings and you will be in a much better position to confront the challenges of university.

SCHLEEPY:

Still awake? If you are – well done - burning out due to lack of sleep isn’t a myth. Soon 4 hours sleep stops being enough. Sadly, the desks in lecture theatres don’t make for the best pillows. To be able to enjoy the Uni experience AND function should be the goal.

Having a regular sleep cycle is one of the most important lessons that you’ll learn.

Living away from home for the first time, eating food even flies won’t touch and stressing about maintaining a respectable GPA is a lot for a person to handle.

Adding sleep deprivation to that pile only serves to exacerbate the issue and decrease the ability to cope with challenges.

Ebola, Malaria, the Fresher Flu. Some of the most deadly viruses that have taken thousands. Get ready for an epidemic of mammoth proportions – it’s not a matter of if, it’s a matter of when.

KEEP IT FRESH:

According to the centres of disease control and prevention, the best way to deal the Fresher Flu epidemic is to keep hydrated, avoid extensive sharing of bodily fluids (sorry team) and look after yourself.

Student health offers more than STI tests. Even if you somehow manage to have a disease free year, chances are if you don’t take care of yourself you won’t be functioning at full capacity. While it might seem like a good idea to never leave the nice heated/ air conditioned environment of your comfortably furnished room -it’s not. Warding off the cloud of exotic pathogens that your hall mates will drag in from around New Zealand is a lot easier if you fill those lungs with some fresh clean air.

Another great way to protect yourself from the constant threat of debilitating illness, is exercise. Not only will you transform your soggy bod into a Grecian god, but if you stick with it long enough, you start to notice the positive psychological impact it can have on how you feel (Which is much more important of course).

29

MATE? MAAAATE: A word of advice – don’t become the Hunch backed recluse of the hall.

It’s hard making friends when nobody knows how rad you are yet. Basically, the whole process of making new friends might be uncomfortable, but it’s just a nasty three week old plaster that you REALLY need to just tear off.

Push aside your existential fear of rejection and pull out that cracking personality you’ve got closeted. In a hall of a couple hundred people, at least one person will probably like you. As daunted as you may be now, two months from now - when you are surrounded by a group of amazing friends – you’ll laugh at how scary they once seemed to you.

Now you’ve got friends and you don’t need to drink alone anymore!

“Thursday nights are drinking nights.” Welcome to the biggest lie of first year. Every night is a drinking night if you try hard enough. You’ll quickly pick up the tricks of the trade – the nicest bathrooms to vomit in, the cheapest alcohol with the highest percentage and which RA’s are most likely to be down for a game of King’s Cup. With Studylink footing the bill, there’s really no reason why Thursday and Friday and Saturday and Sunday aren’t all prime drinking nights.

Don’t overdo it! You might just find yourself waking up in a bed with two strangers and tyre tracks on your legs.

STUDY, BUDDY:

You may have forgotten about this during O Week, but you came to UC to get a degree in something.

The hardest part of studying at Uni is not the fast approaching deadline, nor the 30 pages of readings you have to do. It’s not even the fifteen 8am lectures you’ve missed. The hardest part of study is the thought of the mountain of work that you’ve been saving for the ‘right time’.

The problem is, procrastination is really easy.

Chances are you will look at your test dates, which will conveniently all fall within the same two weeks, and decide that you have much nicer ways to spend your time. Your chores will suddenly become priority one when you have something that’s actually important to do.

Everyone knows that one person who makes it halfway through the semester without seeing the inside of a lecture theatre and somehow has an A average.

That person is probably not you.

Because life isn’t fair you actually have to study.

Your mate – the one with the A average – strangely has a lot of spare time. Spare time that he’ll probably want to spend with you, just as you finally decide to bite the bullet and study for that midterm test. There’s a constant stream of distractions in a hall, and nothing is more distracting than the impromptu game of Monopoly happening four steps from your door.

Assuming you have the willpower not to join, chances are that the magical pull of Facebook will prove irresistible. Creating a study space free of interruptions is the key to getting shit done. Being able to maintain continuity of concentration on the task at hand will mean that not only do you get things done faster but you’ll also get things done better.

At the end of the day, you’ll make some of the mistakes I mentioned, just as I did. Make sure you embrace every minute of the experience, good and bad. Don’t forget you came here to get something. Be proud of your success and learn from your failures (summer school is always an option if those failures occur a bit too often). This will be one of the best years of your life, so be grateful for each second of it.

By Jack Clark

~

~ ~

30

C A N TA C O L U M N S Submit your column to canta.editor@gmail.com

THE F-WORD

F

or some people, Feminism is like the F-word – something that you don’t say in polite company. There are a lot of incorrect ideas about what the term means. Some people are influenced by negative portrayals in the media and society. It’s easier for them to badmouth feminism and pretend inequality doesn’t exist than do something about it.

But for many of us, Feminism is something we believe in and support.

The Oxford Dictionary defines Feminism as “the advocacy of women’s rights on the ground of the equality of the sexes”.

Really, who doesn’t believe in gender equality these days??

But it’s one thing to say you believe it and another thing to actually support it at home, at school, and at work. Many people don’t want the responsibility of advocating for equality among their friends, their family, their coworkers. This may be one reason why they don’t want to call themselves feminists.

Across the world, 59% of people surveyed in 24 countries including Australia said they define themselves as a feminist who advocates and supports equal opportunities for women.

In New Zealand, more women and men are proudly calling themselves feminists, including politicians in the recently elected Government.

Feminists want all people to be treated fairly and be able to succeed regardless of their gender.

They think it’s rubbish that women are not equally

represented in leadership positions, are not receiving equal pay for their work, and are subject to more partner violence and sexual violence during their lives. They think it’s concerning that by the time they are 6, girls are already losing faith in their talents and intelligence due to cultural myths and stereotypes.

Here at the University of Canterbury, the UC Feminist Society (FemSoc) is a club for support, advocacy, and conversation about feminism.

We arrange activities and events where you can learn more and meet others interested in feminist issues. Whether you know a lot or a little about feminism, we welcome you to come along!

Find us online at ucfemsoc.wordpress.com and facebook.com/femsocuc/

RDU 98.5 FM *The Transistors RDU40 Kill Your Television gig Canterbury Museum Photo by Joshua Duncan Photography

YOUR LOCAL LOCAL,, YOUR ALTERNATIVE, ALTERNATIVE, STUDENT STUDENT RADIO STATION STATION RADIO WWW.RDU.ORG.NZ

CHCH’S ONLY ONLY CHCH’S ALTERNATIVE ALTERNATIVE

31

S N M U L O C AT N A C moc.liamg@rotide.atnac ot nmuloc ruoy timbuS

Queer-tiquette

NGAIRE KNOWS BEST

with Hinerangi A GAYBY FRESHERS GUIDE TO O’ WEEK TWENTYGAYTEEN – Get the apps. Her, Grindr, Tinder, whatever you’re into, there’s an app for that, and if you’re looking for a strings free hookup in o’week, there’s no better way to get it than a trashy dating app where your selfies are all at your best angle in natural lighting at 45 minutes before sunset, with a bio that exaggerates your gym routine and downplays your obsessive love of anime.

– Step out to look your gayest!

Whether you’re flagging by dressing like a textbook example of your identity, or drowning yourself in rainbows pins and pride flags, one of the best ways to meet other LGBT+ folks is to simply LOOK like you’re not cishet – Join QCanterbury! QC is UC’s club for sexuality and gender diverse students and it’s a really good way to make friends in a social and safe environment, with events each term, keep an eye out! You can join by heading along at clubs day and signing up, or by contacting the QCanterbury facebook page #notspons – Talk to people! This is pretty standard no matter what, but if you wanna meet guys or gals or nonbinary pals, the very best way to do it is to put yourself out there a wee bit and say hello to people who look cool!

But most importantly, uni is three years long, so there’s no point in living those years as someone you’re not – you can come out and if people aren’t okay with it then it’s fine because everything is new, and you can just mutually ghost and find better friends, so just love yourself and find your place, welcome to the rest of your life!

Hi Grandma Ngaire, My long time friend and current flatmate has rapidly shot to fame on a popular children’s breakfast show here in CHCH. I don’t know how to deal with her sudden change in behavior. Not only does she wake everyone up at 4am on weekdays, she thinks she’s legitimately famous.

I know you’ve been on TV. How do you deal with people who think they’re famous?

From, 4am Frankie Dear Frankie, My goodness that does sound annoying! This friend of yours needs to be brought down a peg or two! Perhaps you could insinuate she’s looking a little haggard or perhaps a more porkier than usual on camera? It’s been quite a while since I was on Police 10/7. But whenever I’m feeling down I like to lift my spirits by making others feel worse. Why, just last week I started a rumour than my friend Jenny got a case of the trots at Countdown. No reason. But didn’t I laugh!

All the best!

Ngai ~ Ngaire Knows Best- I’ve mistakenly liked a 33 week old photo of my crush on Insta. Do I unlike or commit to the slip?

Fat Fingers Dear FF, I don’t know what you’re talking about but whenever I’ve slipped out of my day dress I’ve always been very grateful if I had knickers

and/or a bra on. ALWAYS WEAR UNDERWEAR. You just never know how windy a day it’s going to be.

God appreciates good manners.

Love Grandma Ngai ~ Hi Ngaire, I feel like I know you. I appreciate you words of wisdom. You have been giving us advice for a while now but we hardly ask anything of you. Is there anything the student population of UC can help YOU with?

Signed, Vice Vice Baby Dear Vicky, Thank you ever so much for asking. I’m doing smashing! You sound like top notch kind of girl who I’m sure will snag a terrific husband at school. Universities are great places for meeting a man. My husband’s dead so I get to watch whatever I like on telly and that makes me happy. I also can eat biscuits in bed and I don’t have to listen to him weep as we make love. There’s lots to be grateful for! Sometimes I get a toffee pop crumbs in my gusset but that’s a problem for ME not YOU. Let me know when you get engaged, Grandma Ngaire

We pass on your emails to Ngaire: canta.editor@gmail.com Also check out her adventures on facebook: Mrs Ngaire Chambers

... with your Chaplain, Rev Spanky Moore!

H

owdy. My name’s Reverend Spanky, and I’m the Senior Chaplain here at UC. Most people I meet nod their heads politely with that slightly glazed look when I’m introduced as “The Chaplain”. Well, I like to think of myself as the ‘Dean of Spiritual Engineering’ on campus. Us Uni Chaplains are pretty good at dealing with Spiritual matters, but we’re also quite good at listening, baking scones, advocating, lingering handshakes, talking smack and growing basil. So, if we can ever help with any of the above - just drop me an email (spanky.moore@cantebury.ac.nz).

And just for the record, existential crises are a particular favourite of mine…

Anywho - be you an old dog returning for more academic adventures, or fresh meat exported from a local high school - on behalf of God, it’s my pleasure to welcome you to your first week of 2018 at Canterbury.

For many of you reading this – this o-week will represent your first week of “freedom”.

After years of living under your parent’s regime of free power and family scrabble nights you’ll be flicking through these pages of CANTA, wiping away tears of ecstasy from the share

abundance of boozing and bonking opportunities. “I’ve always wanted an excuse to wear a toga!” you’ll say to yourself. “And besides, it’ll help me prepare for that Philosophy paper I’ve told everyone I’m taking.” But as thousands of Canterbury students have discovered, going from limited freedom to infinite freedom in one week can be a pretty tough thing to navigate, without things getting messy.

Now - many of you will choose to avoid the more colourful debauchery and will spend your first few weeks joyfully consuming crispy chicken from a cheap-n-cheerful Church corner establishment whilst going on a Settlers of Catan bender.

Others of you will hit the jungle juice a little hard once or twice and wake up with a throbbing head, an empty bank account, and decide the novelty of cask wine has worn off.

But some of you will really struggle to adjust to the smorgasbord of freedom that uni life offers. You know - we live in an age where students and twenty-somethings feel huge pressure to do everything, all at the same time: party hard...

But also, study hard! Write a novel... but also, write a thesis!

Travel the world... but also, settle down and get work experience!

As writer Jonathan Safran Foer put it “Sometimes I can hear my bones straining under the weight of all the lives I’m not living.”

At its best O-week is a festive celebration of the future fruit of the year ahead: friends, frivolity, fried chicken. At its worst O-week is a messy attempt to escapes our self-doubts and the pressure to be all things to everyone else.

So, take some lovingly advice from a holy man with a big beard: Don’t party so hard that you never get around to studying.

And don’t study do hard that you never get around to making friends.

Because you really can have a fulfilling student experience at Canterbury without having to drink until vomit comes out your nose. And you can get good grades without self-imposed solitary confinement.

So, pace yourself. Make space to meet new people. And make the most of your first week of freedom at UC.

RIGHT HERE ON CAMPUS

Sell all UC text books Buy and sell second hand text books

All your stationery needs A large selection of fiction and non fiction titles

As well as phone top ups, cards, magazines and gifts

LIKE US ON FACEBOOK WWW.FACEBOOK.COM/UBS.CANTERBURY

PHONE

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University Drive, Ilam â&#x20AC;¢ Mon - Friday 8.30am - 5pm, Sat 10am - 3pm

ES R P

ENTS

O N E SI DE I entered the pizza place a few minutes before my date. I did find it a little bit awkward telling the staff my reason for being there, but it all worked out fine. I waited anxiously for my date who arrived a few minutes after me.

My date B**** arrived and we got chatting quickly. We firstly talked about our degrees, and how long we had been at university for. We both have been studying for three years.

The drinks menu was long, but since I was slightly hungover I ordered a ginger beer. B**** then ordered a gin and something. I then teased her about gin being a crying drink. Surprisingly she had not heard of that before.

I then told her of my drinking experiences of the past and how I barely drink now due to my great high school experiences. We then ordered food.

I ordered peanut satay pizza which ended up being a bit average. B**** ordered some kind of chicken pizza too.

We then discussed the tattoos she has one her arms, which was a Māori quote on her right arm just below her elbow. I like this because I also am getting a Māori whakatauki on my left arm in a few months.

After this, we talked about sports and schooling.

I am really into sport but she isn’t so there wasn’t much common ground there. However, after the food arrived we ended up talking about travel and overseas volunteering. This conversation flowed better as she has volunteered with children overseas like I have. We then decided to call it a night after B**** yawned a few times.

We then said good night and said ‘see you around’.

Overall the pizza place was relatively quiet which made it a good location for a blind date. This was a really good experience and got me involved in QCanterbury as I have been a member for two years but have not done much in the past. I would definitely do it again :)

To submit yourself or a mate for LUCK Y DIP. Email: canta.editor@gmai l.com

.nz

spagalimis.co U

L C SPECIA r Dine-In Available foTakeaway or

8

$

TH E OTH E R SI D E

As an introvert I am not the type of person to avidly opt for meeting new people and small talk. I’d rather spend my evening watching Netflix with a glass of wine. However, this particular Sunday evening I pushed my pride aside and headed to Spags to meet a person I knew nothing about.

After arriving I wandered to the table, exchanged names with my date and sat down. I thought I might as well make the most of the situation, lean into any awkwardness and embrace it. As I did this it became less and less awkward.

I find that when you assume something is going to be awkward…..then it will be awkward….I know, shocker!

Anyway, we started yarning about what we were studying, where we went to school (typical Christchurch question), our families and what we enjoyed doing.

Our pizza and kumara chips arrived and we ate and kept talking and laughing. We talked about the good old election and important stuff like that. And classic small Christchurch…turns out we had a bunch of mutual friends which was fun to talk about.

We finished eating and chatting after a while and decided it was time to head home. We said out goodbyes and went our separate ways.

I’m super grateful for this date, not just because of the free food and meeting a cool new person, but because it pushed me out of my comfort zone a little bit.

I learnt that, actually I can meet new people, ask questions, engage in conversation and have a good time.

I was expecting awkwardness but I ended up having an awesome time.

I generally find small talk annoying and pointless, but the truth is - we need it, it’s one way we learn about each other. And often if we ask the right questions just below the surface, the most interesting things arise. The most interesting people are those interested and fascinated with other people. Interesting people are interested in other people.

Again, if you expect something is going to be awkward… it will probably be awkward, and a little bit of awkwardness is okay, but I encourage ya’ll to go and do something that makes you a bit uncomfy, step out of that comfort zone, embrace it, enjoy it, you might surprise yourself.

IGHT AS FOR ED PIZZ E C SLI

The Court Theatre has something for you this year - whoever you are, and whatever you’re into!

TITUSICUS N nes?

ANDRaO me of Thro

Fan of G us.

Andronic Try Titus e’re bloody, w d n a d e c ’s first Fast-pa akespeare o one h S g in g brin – and n ck to life a b y d e g tra ared… will be sp 17th – February : t u o it k rom Chec ts start f e k ic T . d r March 3 just $30.

30 BELOW We know that things are tight ($2 rice again for lunch today?) but we want to make sure you can still have a fantastic night out at The Court. 30 Below lets those of you under 30 nab mainstage tickets for just $30...

courtheatre.org.nz

SCARED SCRIPTLESS Start your weekend off right.

Every Friday & Saturday at 10:15pm our infamous Jesters put on the best comedy show in town for just $16 if you’re under 25. And if you’re over 25… You’re not allowed in. (Just kidding. We’ll let you in for $20).

PAY WHAT YOU CAN

uch, ’s still too m …And if that hat You nning Pay W ru w o n e ’r e w ning s. For one eve Can evening run, stage show’s in each main w to choose ho you’ll be able ur yo r fo ay e to p lik ’d u yo h c u m $5. rting at just tickets– sta

the court theatre

courttheatrenz

PLAY MATES Can’t conv

ince your friends to come along? Try Pl We’re bringing to ay Mates. gether groups of likeminded pe ople (aged 1835 or 30-60) to sh ar see a show and m e a pizza, ake friends for life.

We hope.

S H I NY NEW SHOWS!

Keep an eye ou t– because we’ll b e announcing a fa ntastic range of shows for 2018 – 2019 on Marc h 10th.

36

HAPPY ENDING COLOUR ME IN

L E T T H AT S I N K I N - Lobsters don’t die of old age.

- Macaulay Culkin is now older than Catherine O’Hara was when she played his mum in Home Alone.

- There are more tigers privately owned in Texas than tigers in the wild.

- Next to the US army, Disney world is the largest buyer and importer of explosives in the USA.

MAZE

- There was a time in history when trees existed but the fungi which causes wood to rot had not yet evolved to digest wood. Dead trees and plants would pile up and the 35% oxygen atmosphere caused massive fires.

- Fanta started as a Coca-Cola substitute in 1940s Nazi Germany.

Fanta is short for ‘fantastic’.

- The man who invented the Frisbee was cremated and turned into a frisbee.

- Gwen Stefani is older than politician Ted Cruz.

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PURCHASER MUST PROVIDE VALID STUDENT ID TO RECEIVE ADVERTISED PRICES. OFFERS ARE NOT AVAILABLE ONLINE AND ONLY AT JB RICCARTON. OFFERS VALID UNTIL 11th MARCH 2018. ^Discounts apply to most recent previous ticketed/advertised price at the time of printing 19/1/2018.

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