Issue 2, 2022 - Parties by UCSA

canta. PARTIES ISSUE

I SPY

PARTY EDITION

7.03.22

Spot the party items throughout the mag!

Editorial. Emily Emily Kia ora dear reader! Kudos to you for picking up the second issue of CANTA for 2022. That must mean you enjoyed the Orientation issue enough to come back. Well, that, or you felt bad for us. Either way, you’re reading it, so that’s a win. I hope the start of the semester has been okay for you. While it definitely wasn’t the O-Week we were all hoping for, I do hope you managed to have a bit of fun before things start to ramp up! This fortnight, we’re bringing you party content. We cover it all in this issue. From finding out what ‘party person’ you are, to how to get your whare ready for a party. Some of the content our writers discuss may also be quite confronting. Unfortunately, the reality is that there can be horrific things that happen at parties that we must talk about. To pretend it doesn’t happen or to be silent on the matter would be an insult to all the people who have been assaulted. Please take care while reading. If you need some support, we have listed some resources below. On another note, we’ve launched a podcast. Catch our charismatic audio editor Ben O’Connell on Canta Ranta (which you can find on our website) bringing you rants, chats and bants. You won’t regret it. Take care,

Ella Emily x

Ella Kia ora e hoa! Welcome back to CANTA. These two whole weeks have felt so long and we have missed you so dearly! If you want to avoid this immense time in between issues again to feel connected to us, you should definitely follow us on Insta at @cantaiscool and give our Facebook page a like. It would simply be rude not to. This issue is about all things parties. The Dusty, the Wholesome, and everything else in between; CANTA has got you covered. We had this issue theme conveniently timed after O-Week, but alas, there’s this thing called COVID, have you heard about it? It has gotten in the way of most fun things in life right now including featuring in this very issue. But do not worry, dear reader, we have not and will not let COVID affect the fun in our mag! Here at CANTA, we hope that you are safely still having your fun. At least if you aren’t actively going to parties right now, you can do so vicariously by finding out how your night ends, hearing about blackout stories and drunk escapades from down under, and working out what vape you are. May I also let you in on a disclaimer about the more serious topics that we cover in this issue. The CANTA team also takes a look at not taking advantage of drunkards, our infamous binge drinking culture, and knowing your limits. There is heavy content in this issue as we think it is necessary to talk about the shit things as well as the fun. We’ve got it all in this issue. Get stuck into it, CANTA comrades! E noho rā,

Ella xo

Resources: Victim Support - 0800 842 846 Rape Crisis - 0800 88 33 00 Safe to talk - 0800 044 334

Parties

contents

ISSUE #2

news.

06 News

08 How Does Your Night End? HOW DOES YOUR

NIGHT

END?

26 Flat Famous

FLAT FAMOUS

Canta team Co-Editors Emily Heyward Ella Gibson - editor@canta.co.nz Graphic Designer Kyle Paget News Editor Alex Carter - news@canta.co.nz Feature Writers Stella Cheersmith Leo He Laura Tretheway Jude Van Houtte Digital Editor Hannah Perry-Purchas Video Creative Director Tom Murray Video and Digital Assistant Imy Rice

30 The Binge Drinking Dilemma 32 F*ckboys (And Knowing When To Leave)

F*CK Boys

Audio Editor Ben O’Connell Contributors Pierce Crowley QCanterbury Executive Shannae Phelan Ashton Avéres Mastine Dube

40 What Type Of Vape Are You? 44 Lucky Dip

LUCKY

DIP

Want to get involved with CANTA? Visit canta.co.nz

President’s Piece. Pierce Crowley (he/him) Hey everyone! What an eventful couple of weeks it has been! It has been great to see so many students back on campus, including so many new faces! The atmosphere on campus has been buzzing. Further, watching how you’ve all reacted to the challenges of the first few weeks and the care that has been shown for your fellow classmates has been awesome – really sets the tone for the year ahead! O-week has flown by – albeit in very different ways that we’ve seen previously. Clubs’ day was great, and it was awesome to see so many students out and about getting involved! Truly the best way to start the year! Hopefully by now you are well into settling down into your studies. Ideally you are all up to date with your lectures course work. If not, that’s ok too – but it is really important to keep on top of your academic work, in particular with recordings being readily available.

Something I would NOT recommend is letting lecture recordings build up with the intention of binge watching them at a later date. Lectures are not a Netflix show, they are not bingeable. I am speaking from experience here, as I fell into this trap early in my studies at UC and let me tell you: there is nothing that provokes greater feelings of dread than being faced with 50+ hours of dry lectures to watch in the week before your exams.

That being said, if you fall behind that is ok too. In particular during times of Covid, you may not be able to make it to every lecture on your timetable. Your wellbeing at this time is paramount, and you should be staying at home if you are unwell. The key is to have plans for how to bounce back. Something I found helpful was setting a day each week as a “catch up day”. This would be a quieter day – for me it was usually a Wednesday – where you can take stock of where you’re at, get started on your assignments, or catch up on core course content if need be. If you are struggling with course related issues, lecturers and tutors can often help, as well as class representatives within each class. There are also various services within Te Pātaka (in the library) that can help, such as Kaitoko’s for first year students, and the academic skills centre. Anyway – that’s all from me. Remember to keep looking out for yourself and those around you!

news news. canta

Minimum wage increase, the good and the bad Alex Carter (she/her)

As of April 1st, minimum wage is increasing to $21.20 from $20.00 an hour. This announcement was made to help those Kiwi’s who have gone above and beyond during the pandemic. What effect does this increase have on students? The minimum wage increase is being implemented by the government to support the minimum wage workers. Minimum wage increase supports productivity within the workplace, as it drives a further incentive for staff who are now paid more while dealing with different hardships on the job. The increase now supports low wage income and closes the gap slightly between class systems that are defined by pay roles. Many students have part time jobs to help financially support them during their time at university, taking up jobs at the supermarket for example is often a good place to start. In a recent survey, students have shared their concerns and issues regarding the rise. With contradicting consequences of the rise, students were initially excited to see a small raise in their income but concluded that inflation will occur in stock markets. “I am confused as to why the government is actively trying to increase inflation with this policy when it is a topical issue that inflation is already at a concerning level” disclosed an anonymous UC student.

With prices rising, affordability, especially for minimum wage individuals, is becoming increasingly difficult during the pandemic. With covid cases on the rise, accessibility to work will be an increasing issue. Covid will inevitably stop retail, hospitality, and supermarket workers from attending their roles while they recover from the virus. Employers may find this rise difficult, as supporting staff during the pandemic has already proven tough for smaller businesses. With an increase, employers may not be able to maintain an above minimum wage for staff. “I was previously above minimum wage, but with the upcoming increase my boss can’t afford to pay me more than he already was, so I will be back on minimum wage,” shared an anonymous UC student. However, for people who earn more than living wage, who are on salary, their income will not change until their employer’s annual review. This makes the difference in wage gap between minimum and salary (job dependent) $1.20 smaller than previous years. The good news is that, with a small increase in hourly wages, students will be earning more income to support their lifestyles, and with prices of petrol growing and inflation of other products, every cent counts. Disclaimer - All quotes provided from students are taken from a survey conducted on the UCSA Noticeboard.

news. canta

Local students, nationwide ambassadors, aiding the decrease of modern slavery through legislation action Alex Carter (she/her)

Luke Jones, a second year Political Science Major, is an Ambassador for World Vision New Zealand. His current goal, alongside others, is to have a legislation passed in Government to help mitigate perpetuation of modern slavery in the world with focus on Aotearoa. This is known as The Modern Slavery Act. Modern slavery refers to and includes actions like forced labour and child labour, debt bondage, slavery and slavery-like practices, and human trafficking happening now. Luke got involved with the legislation just after High School, which coincided with his progression in becoming a World Vision Advocacy Ambassador. The advocacy branch in which Luke falls in to, took on the project, which meant that he directly worked with employees of the company to develop the campaign and legislation strategies in relation to the Modern Slavery Act drive. After extensive research, the team involved in this action have decided to make a change. The team found that, “in 2019, NZD $3.1 billion worth of risky products (products highly likely to relate to forces or child labour) were imported into our country. Further investigation showed that, every week, the average New Zealand household spends $34 per week on risky products.”

UC students were a key part in this movement, alongside other students at different universities, who signed a petition in person and/or online to help mitigate perpetuation of Modern Slavery from around the world in Aotearoa. Luke Jones announced that “this wouldn’t have been possible without the students from University of Canterbury who significantly contributed to the campaign by signing the petition and having a korero with our team when we had our stall up on campus last year. Thank you!” 37,000 signatures were obtained across the nation early last year. With the target audience age range of 18-25, universities were a prime hub for advocacy amongst students. In June 2021, Luke and other advocates delivered that petition containing 37,00 signatures to Parliament where it went to the Petition Committee. The petition is now waiting to be introduced in the House of Representatives where a final decision is to be made.

Luke shares that “currently there are over 40 million people currently estimated to be trapped in modern slavery. Within this, over 70% are women and 1 in every 4 victims of modern slavery are children.” This legislation has been in development for 7 years, which was originally not passed in a private members bill by the John Key National Government. In the last 5 years, it was put back on the radar when Labour moved into government. With students and other involvement from people like Luke, the goal is to give knowledge to consumers about where their products come from. While labels such as ‘made in China’ give us an indication of where the product is coming from, the legislation will promote a model where consumers have the power and knowledge about where products are coming from and the slavery risks that coincide with some corporations. This will help with supply and consumer transparency rather than intensive research conducted by consumers.

Uncertainty around Covid and learning from home “frustrating” for students Emily Heyward (she/her) Tauira (students) are calling for more certainty from UC around online learning as Covid-19 continues to spread through the community.

Some students told CANTA they thought UC needed to improve their communication with tauira, as the uncertainty was negatively impacting their mental health.

Inconsistency in the way lecturers across colleges are o ffering classes is leaving some students “frustrated” and “anxious”, with some feeling like they are having to fight to access recordings of lectures while in isolation.

Via the UCSA Noticeboard, CANTA also gave tauira the chance to share their experiences anonymously. Among some of the responses were comments indicating some students had experienced a lack of consideration and understanding from some lecturers around having to isolate at home.

Third year student Emma Hartshaw, who was isolating at home while awaiting her test result, said it was hard not having the option to participate in class activities in real-time. “It’s frustrating at the moment because not everyone’s in lockdown, so they will be doing an exercise in class and I'm just hearing the audio and seeing the slides and so that’s really tough, so you can’t really engage at all.” She said the current set-up wasn’t fair for those who were unable to attend lectures in person. “There’s a bit of inequity at the moment. When I was in lockdown with everyone else last year, it was kind of okay because it was online so everyone was doing the Zoom thing. Whereas at the moment, UC is still doing face-toface.”

UCSA president Pierce Crowley told CANTA that the students’ association was working with UC to ensure students' needs were being met. “We are working directly with the university to ensure that lecturers are upholding their obligations. We are deeply concerned that a small number of lecturers aren’t making adequate provision for online learning,” he said. “If students are experiencing specific examples, we encourage them to contact their UCSA faculty rep so this information can be relayed to the relevant authority.”

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A S C U E K FA

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d r a o b ce i t No Help a sista out

Learn been playing up

Did you do what Bernie said?

That one got me in the feels

The K1 pain goes on

Asking the questions that matter

HOW DOES YOUR

NIGHT

END? Flat party edition

Ella Gibson (she/her)

PART One How has your Saturday day been? 1. Long fucking working day, ready for the big night to come. 2. You’re hosting so you’ve been setting up all day and you’re ready to sink some piss. 3. It’s been a calm and relaxing Saturday. You’re prepared and rejuvenated for the night ahead. 4. You’ve been in bed watching Netflix all day and feel lazy as fuck. If you answered number 1 or 2, go to part 2 If you answered number 3 or 4, go to part 3

PART TWO Fuck then, you’re rearrrrring to go! Do you: 1. Forget the company, you start drinking at 12pm, no questions asked. 2. You wait until a few mates come around and then start drinking.

PART four The pressing question: what are you going to be drinking: 1. Any shit RTD 2. Long Whites 3. Nitro 4. Beer, what else 5.Sober Sally, probably water If you answered number 1, 2 or 3, go to part 5 If you answered number 4, go to part 6 If you answered number 5, go to part 7

PART five Well you’ve fucked up already, looks like your night is ending quicker than you thought. Here’s the real question though, what do you say when someone offers you a shot: 1. Fuck yes!

3.You’re thinking responsibly and go to get a pre-game feed at Dominos with the homies.

2. “Oh nooooo”, you say, reluctantly well knowing that you’re still gonna down it anyway because FOMO.

4. Eating is cheating, you have your first shot at 3pm.

3. You say no because you don’t wanna fuck out too early.

If you answered number 3, go to part 3 If you answered number 1, 2 or 4, go to part 4

PART Three

4. Your arm has been twisted, you do two shots instead! If you answered number 1 or 4, go to part 8 If you answered number 2 or 3, go to part 9

Time to get ready. What are you gonna wear then? 1. T-Shirt and shorts, nothing more nothing less. 2. That cap that you never take off and whatever the you’re already wearing because who the fuck gets changed for parties anyway!? 3. Crop top and jeans. 4. A summer dress will do the trick. If you answered number 1, 2, 3, or 4, go to part 4

PART SIX Of course you’re drinking beer, however the question remains: what beer are you drinking: 1.Speights 2. Export Gold 3. Corona (the beer) 4. Kingies 4. Other (stfu, if you have you blatantly let people know that you’re drinking a craft beer, are you really alternative!?) If you answered number 3, go to part 8 If you answered number 4, go to part 4 If you answered number 1 or 2, go to part 10 If you answered number 5, go to part 11

PART Seven Sober Sally (but sung like Mustang Sally), wow! You’re really doing the most for the team and for your body. But don’t let this very responsible decision knock over your fun-dar, get on with the party! Go to part 8

PART EIGHT You’ve been bestowed with the vital responsibility of being on aux. Either because everyone trusts your music taste or because you’ve insisted that no one else is allowed to touch the music. What music do you put on to get the party going: 1. DnB, what else!? 2. A sing along to break the drunk ice between everyone - smart move. 3. A house track to marinate people’s ears for the filthier stuff later. 4. You wanna get everyone on the dance floor. Something like Kah-lo’s ‘Fake ID’ or ‘212’ by Azealia Banks should do the trick.

If you answered number 2, go to part 9 If you answered number 1, go to part 10 If you answered number 3 or 4, go to part 11

PART Nine Well, well, well, of course you have found yourself playing the first game of King’s Cup! No surprises there. What card do you pull: 1. Ace: waterfall, baby. You’re in charge of getting everyone turnt up. 2. Eight: mate. You say “mate”, but you really just use this opportunity to choose that one peep that you’ve secretly got a thing for. Big moves from you. 3. Jack: never have I ever. Spicy, spicy, spicy. Look at you stirring the pot out here, aye. 4.King: king’s cup. Unlucky, looks like your night is going south sorry, chief. If you answered number 1 or 3, go to part 11 If you answered number 4, go to part 12 If you answered number 2, go to part 13

PART ten No surprises that you have found yourself at the Beer Pong setup. More pressingly though, what type of BP player are you: 1. You're that motherfucker you shouts “ELBOWS” at every given moment to try and throw off your opponent. 2.You’re the player that hypes themselves up to an unfathomable degree to only be shit and not sink a single cup. Shut the fuck up next time please. 3. You’re the dark horse. You don’t feel the need to talk shit about how good you are, because you are that good and choose to let your opponents find that out for themselves as you sink their cups into oblivion. 4. You’re the rule master who has a knack for adding a new rule every single throw. Make it clear before the game starts next time please and don’t get salty when you lose snake eyes.

If you answered number 1 or 4, go to part 11 If you answered number 2, go to part 12 If you answered number 3, go to part 13

PART Thirteen The music is turned up loud and you’re ready to get your groove on. What are you doing on the dancefloor: 1. Dancing, duh!

PART Eleven You’re feeling a bit tipsy now. A few drinks in and you know what you want, nicotine! What flavour vape do you stumble upon and hoon on:

2.Double-parked, of course. The drinking never stops. 3. Chatting up the baddie next to you. 4. You honestly can’t even stand up straight at this point.

1. Classic menthol.

If you answered number 2 or 4, go to part 14

2. Tobacco, baby. You really just wish you had a durry!

If you answered number 1 or 3, go to part 15

3. You’re a fruity queen; you’re on that hard grape, mango, and blueberry ice shit.

PART fourteen

If you answered number 2, go to part 12

Oops, what have we got here!? Looks like someone has arrived with illicit substances! Whether that be in the form of powder, plant, pill, or nang - your attention has been turned. What do you do:

If you answered number 1 or 3, go to part 13

1. Time to indulge - bon appetit!

If you answered number 14, go to part 14

2. Oosh, you’ve got work tomorrow but you’ve been tempted so only one puff/cap/hit.

4. You’re a weird one and for some reason are hooning on a cold beer flavour.

PART TWELVE Time for more piss! The dreaded funnel turns in your direction. What do you do:

3. Mum, can you please pick me up?!? They’re doing drugs!!!

1. Fuck it! You’re at a party, that’s just a given.

4. A big night requires big moves… moving out of this situation so you’re not involved with these unlawful shenanigans.

2. You reluctantly accept your fate only because your mate has promised that they’ll do one after you.

If you answered number 2, go to part 15

3. No way. You’re still being a good stubborn sober king.

If you answered number 3 or 4, go to part 16

4. You’re on the verge of vomming as it is. You decline even with the immense peer pressure.

If you answered number 1, go to part 18

If you answered number 2, 3 or 4, go to part 13 If you answered number 1, go to part 14

PART Fifteen Oh no, you’re feeling like THAT type of tipsy now. You get your phone out and you’re feeling yourself and feel the need to infiltrate your Snapchat friends’ feeds with marginal drunk snaps. What does your Snapchat story look like: 1. A whole bunch of thirst selfies taken in the bathroom. 2. Videos of you and your mates taking shot after shot. 3. Clips on the dancefloor of you looking like a snack and hoping that your crush sees it. 4. An unfortunate series of events of your mates doing funnels and yardies followed by them ‘tactically’ vomiting everything up. If you answered 2 or 4, go to part 16 If you answered 1 or 3, go to part 17

1. Run. 2. You’re a bit pissed so you walk towards them ready to throw hands and start some shit. 3. Sad girl hours are really getting the best of you right now so all aboard the drunk tear train! 4. Guess what? They don’t matter and will NOT ruin your vibe tonight. If you answered number 1 or 4, go to 19 If you answered number 2, go to ending 1 If you answered number 3, go to ending 3

PART eightteen You were having fun for a while but then you had a bit too much broski. Ya fucked it. Go to ending 4

PART sixteen Your mate has brought out the spirits once again! What do you do: 1. It’s a no brainer - where’s the salt and lemon!? 2. Yakking is suddenly in the very near midst, no way José! 3. You would rather not, butttttt YOLO. 4. You run. You can’t say no to peer pressure but you can say no to putting yourself in that situation. If you answered number 2, go to number 17 If you answered number 3 or 4, go to number 19 If you answered number 1, go to ending 1

PART seventeen

PART nineteen Okayyyyy, so you’ve got something going for you with a potential new bae for the night. You’ve been joking together all night. What started as a look across the room has now become a legitimate thing of doing a shot together (or not if you’re not drinking), adding each other on Snap, and standing that lil too close next to one another. What’s your game plan: 1. Invite them back to yours, you gotta shoot your shot. There’s no time to put shoes on centipedes out here. 2. You’ll leave it for tonight, no more dusty decisions for you. 3. It’s a night for being with your mates, you’ll ask them out on a date another time. 4. You’re gonna play it cool and go with the flow. You’re not one for initiating but if the other shawty invites you over, you’re keen as a bean. If you answered number 1 or 4, go to ending 2

DANGER! You turn your head and you spot your ex in the corner of your eye walking through the door. What is your reaction:

If you answered number 3, go to ending 3 If you answered number 2, go to ending 5

EndI nGS ENDING one Well, you done did it! You fucked out and your night ended a lot quicker than anticipated. I mean, you kind of had a good night but now you’re in a bush so, make that of what you will. Was it that last tequila shot that took it too far or maybe your ‘eating is cheating’ mantra did you dirty. Sorry king/queen, your hangover is going to be anything but delightful. Also, your phone will most definitely be filled with marginal photos, suspiciously new contacts and friends on Facebook, and messages that you would never dare send in your sober state. Well done, chief.

ENDING two Look at you, casanova! Your night was a success on the romantic root front. You have found yourself in someone else’s bed. It could be dusty but it also may not be and you may have just found the love of your life. You got lucky, well done. Whether you remember it all or not is another question though…

ENDING three In my opinion, you have reached the most wholesome of endings so good on you. You have had a good solid night. You’ve gotten drunk, had a good party, and you have done what you have needed to do. Now, you’ve found yourself tucked up in bed super cosy with your mates. Y’all are talking about all the shit that you’ve witnessed throughout the crazy night that has just passed. Maybe you’ve had a cone to calm down and you’re all around just vibing.

ENDING four Hey dinner plates, looks like you’re not getting any sleep, babe. Nice. It was inevitable that you were gonna get to this position, the real question was when were you gonna get there. Your jaw is truly throbbing by this point and you’re exhausted. Alas, the drogas are not letting you get that shut-eye. Good luck for the comedowns tomorrow, queen.

ENDING Five You are so well behaved, almost too well behaved. You got an Uber home to your whare still feeling a bit tipsy but hey, you’re safely in your own abode. For a double Uber moment, you get some UberEats to put the cherry on top the night that was the cake. Rest up, babe.

PARTY SCENE: AFRICA vs NEW ZEALAND Mastine Dube UCSA International Representative

For as long as I can remember I have always had a deep appreciation for a good party. From fancy to generic parties, public to private parties, any excuse to get ‘get lit’. I grew up going to African parties which I thought were the epitome of a great party and still stand by that notion to this day. The African party life is a force to be reckoned with within entertainment circles. I have always thought of African parties as a HIIT exercise with booze and friends. The most important thing at an African party is the dance floor and it is a sanctuary that everyone cannot wait to get onto. The dance floor is always lit, literally too with sweat dripping from people showcasing that new dance move they recently learned from YouTube. The beat drops, lo and behold, your body gets a sensation it has never felt before and it is contagious. There is that ecstatic feeling with crowds cheering on while you rock the dance floor, and it does not matter whether it is a big or small party. Alcohol is always the cherry on top. Instead of a morning hangover after an African party, you only have the sore legs to show for it. I always felt fitter and more alive after each party.

‘Moderate drinking was heavily frowned upon, hangovers were glorified’ Don’t get me wrong, I have been to some epic parties that I will always live to remember. You know those times you are just having a good time with your mates and there is good banter left, right and centre. When you are all on the same wavelength, drinking just enough to have fun. The music, atmosphere, energy, and that unbeatable sense of euphoria is filling the room.

I am far from a party guru, but I am not sure how much of a good party it is if you cannot remember what happened, how you got home, or cannot get out of bed for the next few days. There is more to a party than drinking excessively and honestly, would you not rather take in those calories by When I moved to Christchurch to study, I was super pumped trying delicious new food. I have taken a few things from for the party scene and what that would look like. I immemy various yet limited partying experiences. It is crucial to diately realised that there was no one way to party as I had have that honest conversation with yourself on whether the previously and naively thought. I realised that the way people way you party pleases you or pleases the crowd you associate party is heavily influenced by their various cultures. I was with. I have taken the good from all my partying and ditched met by the typical fresher parties that consisted mainly of the bad stuff to create a partying experience that works for excessive drinking and sitting around that I was honestly not me. Not a chance that I am chugging a bottle of scrumpy just ready for. This would be followed by harsh judgment if you because the next person will think I am a loser if I don’t. decided to duck out of drinking without a “socially acceptable” reason. Moderate drinking was heavily frowned upon, hangovers were glorified, and hugging your toilet seat all night long while puking your stomach out was a lifestyle. I would like to tell a sweet lie and say it got better as years went by but who am I kidding. The public parties consist of a few groups of people that are not there to have fun but sorely searching for someone to take home. Not to mention the rampant drink spikers who are determined to take you home by force or fire. People drinking for mass escapism, personal vendettas emerging, people saying highly offensive and controversial things when they have had too much to drink. I had a guy try to convince everyone at a party to say the N-word once and he was sitting right next to a black girl who happened to be me. All I could think about at that moment was “but I just came here to party and have a good time”. I could get more into that, but I digress.

‘Not a chance that I am chugging a bottle of scrumpy just because the next person will think I am a loser if I don’t’

THE

RANT

Types of queers you’d meet at a party The closeted Starts out as the token straight – mingling, dancing, partying. Time passes, mix in some fruity punch, and finally the four walls fall. Definitely making out with their best friend for “some fun”, nothing serious, just fun. One morning they’ll wake up and realise. Maybe not this morning, but we hope soon.

The oversharer/ trauma dumper To the unsuspecting eye this conversation is going well. But after complimenting their shoes, they found a way to tangent to their latest broken heart and well, the rest is history. You better be sitting down as they’ve packed enough baggage to walk all the way down memory lane. But they’re still smiling, so they’re okay right?

Astrologay

Musical theatre kid

The evolution of the astrologay: It begins with judging their friends for their star signs before realising that there is more to a person than just being a Gemini; their moon and rising sign matter too. It doesn’t take long before memorising and analysing their best friend’s crush’s sister’s boyfriend’s goldfish’s entire star chart becomes their known party trick. In their final form, the astrologay can be found in the corner giving drunken tarot readings or tossing some runes.

You’ve tried to explain that you don’t care how many musicals they can quote from memory, or why they should play Elphaba even though they’re a 20-yearold alto. If you talk about your budding acting career with them, be prepared for them to outboast you at every corner. I’ll be hiding in the bathroom while they lead a choir of La Vie Boheme.

All your exes in one room You dated this person several years ago, with a messy breakup. They’re talking to someone you dated last month, who’s hanging on the arm of someone your best friend used to date. Even the bartender took you out for drinks once, but you didn’t really click all that well. Maybe it's a sign you should give them a second chance.

Clothing optional It’s still clothing if it’s sheer right?

By The QCanterbury Executive. Illustrated by Ashton Averes (they/them) Instagram: @qcanterbury, @ashton.averes

THE

DARK

SIDE

PARTY

CULTURE Laura Tretheway (she/her)

Disclaimer: this article discusses sexual violence and issues that may be distressing for some readers. If you need support, we recommend visiting safetotalk.nz.

For many of us, sex and alcohol go hand in hand. Booze can give you the confidence to approach your crush, or make a move on that cute person in your class. But there’s a serious dark side to drinking, with many people having experienced sexual harm while drunk – especially here on campus, at UC’s numerous parties and events.

“I was groped and had gross things said to me by a complete stranger at Mardi Gras last year.” While it’s easy to tell people how to protect themselves – don’t get too drunk, don’t take drinks you didn’t make, and find a sober friend to keep you safe – that puts the onus of sexual assault on the survivors themselves; wrongfully judging them for ‘letting’ violence happen to them.

“I was told I was being given Panadol when drinking, but was given codeine, and was raped while unconscious.” Via the UCSA noticeboard, I asked if anyone had personally experienced or knew people that had been taken advantage of while drunk. We all know it can happen, but do you realise how often it does?

“A scary amount of friends have had this happen to them. Even more horrifying is hearing male ex-friends from high school have taken advantage of drunk girls.” Out of 45 respondents, 91.1% had experienced or knew someone who had been assaulted. While the sample size is admittedly small, that’s still 41 people on campus who voluntarily shared something devastatingly traumatising with their student newspaper. These statistics, and the stories behind them, are just the tip of the iceberg.

“A few years ago, a girl got drunk at Tea Party. Some guy took her back to his flat and sexually assaulted her.” While no one would recommend getting blackout drunk, drinking is a core part of the university experience, whether you like it or not. No one should be sexually violated, just because they had too many drinks at Toga Party - or because the person who assaulted them did. It doesn’t matter what you drink, what you wear, or what you say. Sexual assault is wrong, no matter what.

“I was sexually taken advantage of on my 21st birthday when I was blackout drunk.” Like numerous official studies around sexual violence, our survey found a serious gender imbalance, with 81% of assaults being committed against women, 19% against men and 3% against transgender men, women, or non-binary people. While women are more at risk of sexual violence, people may be surprised to read that almost 20% of these stories came from men, who are more likely to face doubt and judgement, due to a lack of awareness and acceptance that men can be victims of sexual violence.

“I wasn’t drunk, but was drinking at a friend’s place, and one of the guys followed me to the balcony to chat. He kept trying to put his hand around my waist, and when I was uncomfortable and tried to go inside, he forced himself on me. When I tried to tell my friend what happened, she said I was attention seeking. When he groped me again, she said I was ‘one of the lucky ones.’” We also can’t ignore that men are the most prevalent population group causing sexual harm. And while there are horrific stories of men maliciously spiking drinks, there are also people who honestly don’t know that what they’re doing is wrong. Men who do not realise that the ‘sex’ they’re having is an act of violence.

“I was meant to be staying at a friend’s flat, but she ended up wanting to hook up with a guy. Instead, I stayed with a guy from work I had been talking to, and was rather drunk when I arrived. He took my pants off and proceeded to have sex while I could barely comprehend what was going on. I felt disgusting and scared, but I finally vocalised the word ‘no’. After trying to convince me it’s what I wanted, he stopped, but slept with his arm around me. I thought I was going to get punched, or assaulted again. He tried again in the morning, but I said no. I gave him a fake address to drop me off the next morning, and I walked down someone’s random driveway, so he didn’t know where I lived. He terrified me, and made me scared for so long.” Rather than telling people – predominantly women – to be constantly vigilant when they’re just trying to have fun, what can we do to stop these stories having to be told? Awareness of what consent actually looks like is badly needed – and introductory lectures about this kind of shit would be brilliant for all new students, if you’re reading, Team UC. Because not everybody knows that if your partner isn’t providing an enthusiastic yes, you’re committing an act of sexual violence.

“He was my boyfriend’s best friend, and thought that I was there to be shared. My boyfriend didn’t come help stop the situation.” Legally, under the Aotearoa Crimes Act of 1961, consent cannot be given if someone is being forced or threatened, is unconscious, too drunk, or high on drugs. There are also things to ask or look out for, to make sure your partner is actually into doing the deed.

“I drank three-quarters of a bottle of gin, was completely incoherent and blacked out. I woke up to one of my best guy friends having sex with me, and I have no idea how it happened. I feel like I can’t blame him though, because I could have initiated it because I was blacked out.” Verbal consent is the easiest way to confirm you’re both keen, but body language is also important. Non-verbal signs of unwillingness include avoiding eye contact, pushing advances away, not responding to touches, or looking scared or crying. Sex should be fun; it should highlight connection and involve active engagement, such as laughter, pulling someone closer, and initiating touch. If that isn’t happening – even if your partner said yes when you started - put the brakes on and check in.

“It’s happened to me and several of my mates, and it’s fucked because you don’t realise until afterwards the gravity of what happened to you.” It's also important to know that you can change your mind at any time and say no during sex. And just because someone was keen in the past, doesn’t mean they’re up for it again.

“I’ve been talked into sleeping with people because I was not conscious enough of my actions to say no. I would’ve said no if I was sober.” Ngā mihi maioha to the brave people who contributed to this story, with more experiences shared than we had room to publish. We owe it to you – and each other – to do better. Parties, drinking and sex are supposed to be fun, but are often the opposite. Let’s improve the issue by looking out for each other, committing to using enthusiastic consent, and calling out our mates, when we see them acting inappropriately.

The party never stops for our clubs, and Stella Cheersmith got to check out one of UC’s oldest and largest: ENSOC. Nick Johnson (Club President) and Charis Hyde (Sponsorship Representative) gave us all the goss on what ENSOC is up to this year. So what’s ENSOC all about? Nick: ENSOC is the Engineering Society for the University of Canterbury, and it’s the oldest and largest club in the Southern Hemisphere/Australasia (don’t fact-check this). We typically have about 1200/1300 members and we’re celebrating our 125 year anniversary this year! The club was founded as an academic assistance to help people with their engineering, but it has evolved [to include] a lot more social, sporting and industry-based stuff. We run about 35 different events throughout the year, ranging from barbecues, to careers expos, to tutoring, to sports teams. Why did you join the club? Charis: I joined ENSOC in first year as a networking resource. I made a lot of new friends going to all the social events, but ENSOC is also really good for making connections, and for engineering students, helping with tutoring and general admin. Nick: I’d say the key thing about ENSOC is since it has so many members, whatever year you’re in, you can meet lots of different people through all the different events. It’s the thing that sets UC apart from other universities; the big club culture that we have here. What’s up with all the sponsors? Charis: We’re so lucky to have a wide range of sponsors that not only fund our events, but also contribute knowledge. They often take part in the Careers Expo, but they also choose specific events that they want to sponsor. They’re the reason we get to do what we get to do. What’s coming up in 2022? Charis: Our 125 year anniversary! Nick: That’ll be an alumni event that we’ll run at Haere-roa. People who have been involved in the club can come and have a celebration, have a few drinks and get some speakers, so that will be really exciting! This year we’re also trying to re-establish the diversity panel in engineering, because it used to exist but it’s fallen by the wayside a little bit. But I think the most exciting thing we’re doing is a sausage-eating competition, and the winner gets a moped! It’s the biggest giveaway ENSOC has ever done, and [the moped] is branded with lots of ENSOC branding which is quite funny.

NER

Lastly, ENSOC must have some pretty wild parties! Any stories you’d like to share? Nick: At most of our events you get drinks included in your ticket. At the ball last year we were meant to be there until about 2am, but at about 10pm we got told by the bouncers that all 400 of us had to get out. One of our drink sponsors had [provided] drinks with 2.4 standards per can which took everyone by surprise, and it caught up with us a bit. One of the bands didn’t even get to play, but everyone still says it was one of the best nights ever! Thanks for stopping by! Where can we find ENSOC online? Nick: Our Facebook page, Instagram, I think we’ve got a Snapchat but it’s not really used at the moment. Charis: We also have a website (www.ensoc.com) which has got all our sponsors and information about the club. Nick: And if you want to join ENSOC, you can go onto our website and click the signup link!

CLUB

COR

Stella Cheersmith (she/her)

CLUB

PROMOTER Opsoc

If you’re new, OpSoc is a collection of like-minded souls who enjoy sunny bbq’s, good tunes and opshopping! Pre-loved clothes reign supreme with great people accompanied by lots of food, music and liquid encouragement. Whether you're in town for one of our famous barbeques, charity art auction or the annual OpSoc Ball, there's something for everyone. Consider joining if you are unnaturally aroused by a sweet turtleneck, bucket hat or anything tweed. Come party with us and enjoy dress up themes that are original, stylish and most of all cheap. Top quality refreshments are always on hand with OpSoc!

Canterbury University Tongan Students Association (CUTSA)

Malo e lelei kainga kotoa, we are Canterbury University Tongan Students Association (CUTSA). We create a safe space for all Tongan students while they study at UC. We also have a space for cultural performances, workshops, study spaces etc. A place to expand your knowledge on Tongan culture/history, learn and experience something new and have fun while doing so! Any and all are welcome to join us! Keep updated by following us on Instagram @ cutsa.03, here we will share details on how to join and more! Malo Aupito.

BakeSoc

BakeSoc is a newly affiliated club at UC about all things baking. This year we are looking to do some get-togethers, bakesales, and BYO events to bring together our members for a good time. Beyond that we also intend to support local charities with baked-good donations, collaborate with other great clubs at UC, make educational baking content and maybe even produce a cookbook! If this sounds like a bit of you follow us on Facebook @ BakeSoc UC and Instagram @uc.bakesoc. For more info, email ucbakesoc@gmail.com.

CompSoc

CompSoc is the University of Canterbury’s Computer Society, representing students in Computer Science, Software Engineering, Mathematics, Statistics, and related areas. Our goal is to help our members grow academically, socially, and professionally with a range of events throughout the year. From relaxing at our termly BBQs, getting help and advice at our weekly help sessions, to networking opportunities with key members of companies from around New Zealand, Australia and the world. While most of our members come from CSSE or mathematics, we welcome people from all corners of study. We hope to see you soon!

Shannae Phelan (she/they) Instagram: @shannaenicole

FLAT FAMOUS

FATHER

FT. THE BUNKER

Jimmy (he/him): Kia Ora my name is Jimmy, Jimbo, or Kimbo. I lived in the lounge of the Bunker during lockdown last year and I couldn’t have been happier. The early morning wake ups for day drinking were accompanied with the smell of stale ass and beer. I give the bunker an ‘A’ for effort.

JIMMY

Kobe (he/him): Hi the name’s Kobe or Clinton Bret-Rice. During my time at the Bunker I decided to get out of the shit hole and go home to the real Bay (Hawke’s Bay) for a week. A day before returning I got a message from Simmy apologising for a ‘slight’ hole he’d put in my bedroom wall. I told him not to worry, as it didn’t sound like a big deal… The hole was a fucking door way in my wall. Simmy (he/him): Ko Jake Toku Ingoa. There is not a single word I could use to describe the Bunker. Even the rats from the creek didn’t want to come inside. Living conditions were far from ideal, especially when coming back from Dunedin one weekend to find your bedroom door demolished in your backyard. However, there is a great amount of fun to be had in this flat. Sorry for the hole Kobe <3. Bray (he/him): Hello, it's Bray. The living conditions in the Bunker last year were beyond marginal. Sleeping in the freezing cold, getting gassed out by the smell of the fridge, and getting shot at by Simmys jizz as you ran past his doorless room. But at least we had fun :) Chan (he/him): Hey there, it’s Chan. At the bunker we had a little diagonal alley pit in the corner of the backyard. One night, Pinch and I took our oven and washing machine to the pit and loudly smashed them up with a cricket bat. Our neighbour from a few houses down started screaming at us over the fence. We thought it was crack up until he brought his pitbull around later on. Boogs (he/him): Hi my name's Leo, I don’t know why they call me Boogs. I noticed the other boys going on about the cold flat, however the double glazed window in my room meant for cosy winter nights. My claim to fame is I spent the most nights in the flat in 2021… Half these boys don’t even know what it was like flatting there (Adam and Kobe especially) as they were constantly getting looked after by their girlfriends. Shoutout to Simmy for the mutual Sunday support x

Shnicks (he/him): Hi, it's Josh here. I guess you can’t expect much in terms of quality from a flat which used to be a brothel. Although the Ubers from Manchester Street have stopped, one look at Rogier’s bed sheets will tell you that the stains are still the same. Pinch (he/him): Hey I’m Dan, some call my Pinch cause it seemed all the food kept getting pinched from the cupboards and I was the one to blame - unsure why, kinda sucked. This beautiful flat kept me nice and wet in the winter and also nice and wet in the summer. Seems my room was a fishbowl cause it was just fucking windows meaning it was just fucking cold and wet 24/7. Wouldn’t change it though, it was loose.

PINCH DUTCHY

BEANS

KOBE SIMMY

SHNICKS

CHAN

BOOGS

BRAY

Beans (he/him): Beans here, during my first night at the bunker, a pool ball was thrown through my bedroom window. This was the first of 20+ windows/glass doors that were broken over the year. Chan currently holds the record of most broken windows in one night after he played Mario Cart in our backyard and ended up parking his car in our downstairs lounge. Dutchy (he/him): Hi it’s Rogier, or more commonly known as doochman. This place was so trash I would rather shit in my hands and clap than live in it again. Bunks did bring some beautiful memories though. Like when Adam dressed up as a girl and had a bin of purple chunny poured over him. Had a loose time though. Would recommend :).

Farther (he/him): Hi all. My names Adam and I’m the flat Dad. The Bunker was a great place to live and lots of fun. Sorting the accounts and food for 10 guys was super easy as well. Really all we needed for a week was 10 loaves of bread (1 gluten free ha shot Simmy g), 4 trays of eggs, 3 jars aioli, 3 blocks of cheese, 3 bottles of milk, and nesquik. And sometimes ice cream. Macaroni and fried rice cost less than $15 which was on, especially when you have 7 plates for the whole flat.

RANKING

NZ POLITICIANS BASED ON

THEIR PROBABLE PARTY PERSONA Emily Heyward (she/her)

This is satire. Don’t come for me. Not based on anything scientific, obviously. Let me be straight with you, dear reader. Your chances of partying with a politician are pretty slim. But here at CANTA we want to prepare you for any scenario. With that in mind, I’ve done a sweep of the House, and for better or worse, ranked some of the ‘famous’ MPs on what I assume they would be like at a party, based on vibes, history and what I see of them in the news. You’re welcome.

12. SIMON bridges Look, what is there to say about the former leader of the National Party? He voted against same-sex marriage, told media he had changed his stance in 2019, then voted against banning conversion therapy last month. Keep in mind he’s written a book too, so you know he’s only going to be talking about that.

11. Chris Bishop Opinionated. Always got something to say. Will chew your ear off any chance he gets. Loves the sound of his own voice. Did I mention opinionated? You know he’s cleared his calendar for this.

10. Trevor Mallard He’s got the humour and the gags. Just as long as he’s not blasting Barry Manilow at any party I’m at...

9. Marama Davidson You know this wahine has your back. Having pre-party jitters? She’s right by your side giving you the pep-talk you need. A good chat and would make sure everyone else is having a ball.

8. Debbie Ngarewa-Packer

4. Maureen Pugh She’s been struck by lightning three times, you know she’ll be bringing the fireworks. A West Coaster so she’s got the stamina to party long into the night.

3. David Seymour What’s a party without some awkward AF twerking from a straight, cis, white male? Tragic.

2. Chlöe Swarbrick Liberal, queer and mentally ill. What’s not to love? Plus, you know she’ll be able to hook you up, if you know what I mean.

1. Chris Hipkins Kind of a legend. Makes a verbal fuck up once and becomes the life of the party. Would encourage you to go home with someone, not that you need any encouragement to spread your legs.

Okayyyyyyy LET’s GO!

Another wahine who has your back. Passionate, tenacious and used to dealing with everyone’s shit, you know she’s going to be partying into the night.

7. Jacinda Ardern She’ll be choosing all the good music on the decks. But don’t sneeze too close to her, she might send us all into lockdown.

6. Christopher Luxon Matt Doocey is that you? Oh sorry, another middle-aged white man in the National Party - my bad! You know he’s going to pull out all the stops on the dance floor if it’ll get him the party vote. At least he’ll have the connections to move the party to an Air NZ plane if things need spicing up.

5. Kiri Allan Whatever your political leanings, there’s no denying this wahine is a fucking queen. She knows how to get shit done and always gives 100. Heck yeah she’d wingwoman you.

THE

BINGE DRINKING DILEMMA Why binge drinking culture is so hard to change Leo He (he/him)

Changing binge drinking culture requires more than just limiting consumption of alcohol; it needs to be surgically removed and replaced. Otherwise, if this is not done properly, it can lead to far dire consequences than hazardous drinking.

You don’t have to be that attuned to pop culture to understand that Aotearoa has a massive drinking problem. This problem especially affects young adults aged 18-24. According to ActionPoint (an organisation dedicated to alcohol harm reduction), a 2020 survey found that young people made up 34.9% of the hazardous drinkers surveyed. Student culture largely involves drinking. Studies have suggested again and again that students feel like they need to drink to fit in, and respect is given to people who can drink. In other words, binge drinking is not only about fun, but a social performance and a way of generating social capital (respect, to put it simply). This means that limiting this can be extremely difficult as it ties in with the moral fabric of society, and changing it can have dire consequences. This can be seen in the beer swell that came after prohibition. The rationale was to limit the consumption of alcohol by limiting the opening hours of bars. This was due to wartime policy but also people who still supported the prohibition wanted to limit people’s consumption of alcohol. The logic was simple; if there is less time to drink, people will drink less. However, this backfired as people who wanted their fix started to drink more and at a faster pace. Therefore, normalising the practice of binge drinking. Bringing it back to the present day and there is also a lack of student culture at UC without drinking. Think about why clubs like ENSOC and The Gentlemen’s Club are so successful, or why BYO culture is so popular; most of them involve drinking. It is important to note here that these events are not intended just for drinking; students usually just flock to events

where they can drink, and that is where all the social events are. This is because drinking creates a commonality between the guests which often helps them relate to each other. In other words, a ritual. To take away the ritual is to take away a common identity which could be seen as an existential threat to the individual. This results in the individual holding on to or conserving their identity, hence becoming hostile to the perceived aggressors. A consequence that it might have is they might take their events underground. Think about the secret parties in lockdown. This can be more dangerous as it is uncontrolled, and when things do go wrong, they will not seek help due to it being ‘underground.’ This is one of the rationales behind why the UCSA holds Mono. It is not to encourage drinking but rather to offer a safe public space for people to drink to mitigate hazardous behaviour which often happens in private. Whilst other co-curricular events do exist such as volunteering, it is not nearly as effective as drinking. Therefore, for us to reduce binge drinking, we need to find a replacement to fill the void. But with what?

BUT WHAT? 31

F*CKB AND KNOWING WHEN Stella Cheersmith (she/her) Aaaah, parties. It took me a while to figure out which invites to accept and which to skip. But I realised very early on that sometimes the best thing you can do at a party… is leave.

Not long after this I had the pleasure of receiving some truly textbook clichés from him via messenger:

Let me take you back to my final year of high school. I certainly wasn’t one of the cool kids but I was a lead in the school musical, which (as we all know from High School Musical) was basically the same thing. And after our final show I got invited to one of those secret, exclusive house parties with maybe ten people going. I felt bad for my friends who weren’t invited, but I really wanted to go to this party because a boyyy that I liiiked was going as well.

2 JUL AT 2:28 AM

But this night was special. Not only was it my first party, it was my first encounter with a fuckboy. This boy and I had been talking and flirting for a while and he had been dropping some not-so-subtle hints that he was interested in me. He also seemed to be a sweet, nerdy, somewhat clumsy guy - a fuckboy in disguise, if you will. So little 17-year-old me, nervous but excited, was wondering if something might happen between us when suddenly he emerged from the bathroom and cheerfully informed me that he had just been making out with another girl. Needless to say, I was a little upset.

“You should know this is who I am” “I don’t want a relationship rn” “Because I want to live me life” “And I’m messaging you while you’re in front of me because I can’t bring myself to say”

SOMETIMES THE BEST THING YOU CAN DO AT A PARTY...is

LEAVE

OYS TO LEAVE

These words of wisdom were followed by an equally encouraging ‘You deserve better’ thirty minutes later. Thanks King. Now, I had optimistically decided to sleep over at this party, but sadly my evening hadn’t gone to plan. Still, everyone else was staying and before I knew it I was tucked up on a mattress, while Mr Fuckboy and his new romantic interest were (predictably) sharing the only bed. And as I lay a few inches above the floor, listening to them giggling and wriggling in the corner, I had a minor epiphany: I could leave this party. For the past few hours I had been utterly miserable, trapped in these social (and my own personal) expectations of the evening, but this realisation completely freed me. I called my dad and twenty minutes later I was heading home. It was that simple. A few years have passed since that night, and I’ve been to my fair share of parties. Some have been incredible, and some have been a bit meh. But I always knew that whenever I wanted to, I could leave. If you’re new to the party scene, it might take some trial and error before you figure out your own tolerance, and what exactly you want from a party. Fuck-ups (and fuckboys) are bound to happen, so the most important thing you can do at a party is make sure you feel safe. If the vibes are off, just leave! Get an uber, call your mum, talk to a friend - you can always find a way out. And sometimes there’s nothing better than hopping into your own bed after a wild night.

PARTY CONFESSIONS OF AN Jude Van Houtte (she/her)

iven that I often leave parties and gigs early to retire to bed, I decided that I wasn’t fit to write about the true party culture of Aotearoa’s tauira (students). I just couldn’t give testament to the Good, the Bad and the Ugly as a gal who struggles with early onset Grandma. Fortunately, I knew just the person for the job. He’s a fireworks-shooting-out-of-boxers aficionado, the bloke you call for when you want to be on the rark, a man of simple pleasures and transcendent wisdom. A real certified Otago breatha. You can call him ‘The Grick’. Slumping over his deathbed from COVID (“it was a very nice thing to wake up to” – I don’t know whether to take this as sarcasm, or a truthful review of the hot new O-week event called: self-isolation) and staring sluggishly at the pixels of a laptop screen, Grick graciously answers a few of my questions: Who the bloody hell are ya? An ambassador for the Dunedin slums. What do you study? The only good degree there is; Ecology and Marine Science. I’m sure as eggs that you’re a prolific Otago scene maker. Speaking from experience, why do you think it’s such a hub for parties (couch-burning included)? Our forefathers fought for the right to sink piss and break household appliances. So, with our ancestors smiling down upon us we continue this most sacred tradition. God bless the student riots of 2009! In this household we salute the real heroes of this beautiful country. Are there any Dunners ‘celebrities’ in terms of party goers? Alex Dykes always tears it up when playing live – which makes any party worth attending just to watch him shred guitar and combine it with dnb. But if anyone considers themselves a ‘celebrity’ of a scene, they’re almost guaranteed to be a lowlife who sucks in bed. What do you look for in a crowd? First years deserve the hate they get, any crowd or party without them is better. Aside from that, a maestro on decks and some crook blokes to spin yarns with is always a safe bet. Give us your most entertaining party story: Getting fuck eyed on mavs, lounging on a sofa like an 18th century French philosopher and lecturing 10 rural farming students about how the agricultural revolution and farming was a mistake. Ended up getting a few slaps… turns out some people just can’t handle the truth. In a sentence, give us your worst drunk memory: Getting chased off a balcony and jumping two stories to land on concrete, cracked both my heels, and had to walk on my tip toes for 3 months. Finally, how much booze is too much? Any amount - alcohol is cringe. Ketamine and Phenibut are the cultured man’s choice.

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WHAT KIND OF

PARTY PERSON Emily Heyward (she/her)

ARE YOU?

You get invited to a flat party, you:

The party is really kicking off now, you can be found:

Say yes immediately. There’s no way you’re going to miss the chance to chat shit and sink piss. (4)

Doing shots and flirting with anyone who gives you attention. (4)

Check to see who’s going first. You love a good party but not if your ex is going to be there. (3)

Throwing up in the toilet. You went too hard, too early. (3) Playing beer pong and talking shit about how good you are at it. (2)

Tell them you’ll think about it. You’ve got quite a bit on at the moment so will see how you’re feeling on the day. (2)

Having deep and meaningfuls on the couch with someone you just met. (1)

Say you can feel yourself getting sick. It must be Covid. *cough, cough* (1)

The end of the party is near, you are:

You arrive at the party but can’t see your mates anywhere, you: Aren’t worried because you arrived with a bunch of other mates anyway. (4) Walk in anyway. There’ll be someone there you can talk to. (3)

Rallying everyone to go to town. The night has only just begun. (4) Finding someone to go home with. (3) Gonna go for a “cheeky Maccas run”. (2) Already at home in bed with a cuppa. (1)

Check your phone and wait outside for a couple of minutes for them to get back to you. They’re not responding so you go inside anyway and hope you’ll find them. (2) Are ordering an Uber to head home. Fuck talking to strangers. (1) Your favourite music genre is: DnB because of course it is. (4) House. (3) Depends on the day. (2) Is Taylor Swift a music genre? (1)

SCORE 5-9 Let’s be honest, parties aren’t really your thing. You’d rather be at home reading a good book or revising your course work on a Saturday night than at some rowdy flat party. Future academic who? 10-14 You don’t mind a party every now and then but you find they’re generally more effort than they’re worth. You’re usually watching the minutes tick by wondering how early is too early to make like a tree and leave. You would much prefer a night in with your close mates having deep and meaningfuls. Wholesome. 14-17 You’re a work hard, play hard kind of person. You love a good time but also know when to reel it in and focus on studying when you need to. Go you! You can sometimes be a bit of a liability on a night out though but at least there’s never a dull moment. 18-20 Hunny, your whole personality is partying. You never turn down a night on the piss. The last time you missed a party, you were holed up in hospital. Even then, you asked the nurses to play some DnB through the speakers. You love a cheeky three-day bender and you definitely went to a festival over summer. Remember to look after your body every once in a while eh.

BLACKO

CONFESSIONS

Leo He (he/him)

Feature writer Leo He asked for your blackout stories and you delivered. Some are wholesome, others are quite concerning. You may need a strong stomach to get through some of these. Drink responsibly kids.

I blacked out and asked someone to call my mum because I was scared and told everyone that I was failing at life. Then I proceeded to tell everyone that I wasn’t a virgin anymore (I hadn’t told anyone).

I missed my entire flat warming due to a severe blackout once. The last time I checked my phone that night, it was 11pm. I went to my room to have a wee lie down for a second, came back out to see that everyone had gapped the flat warming and left. Couldn’t find my phone so I checked the microwave for the time, it was 6 am. I blacked out and missed the entire party, and somehow no one found me for 7 hours. It was the best sleep of my life though.

Was at an overnight party located out of town. There was this cute girl who had her eye on me, which I had no clue about. My bday had been the week before and my flatmates had given me a bottle of not too bad whiskey. That night, I proceeded to down the entire bottle, and I’m a bit of a lightweight. My last memory is me drinking the last of my bottle. I then had a ~5 hour blackout period where I “woke up” being showered by the cute lass after having shat myself trying, and failing, to go to the toilet. Still dating almost 3 years later.

4 5

I was at a random flat party, playing pong, and just drinking too much. In what felt like a blink, I was suddenly in town mid-conversation with a chick. She asked me if I was okay cause I looked confused, I had to ask who she was, and she got offended cause apparently, we’d been talking for 10 minutes. At a party, the parents gave me a bucket to join the rest of the vomiting bucket people on the balcony. I had no one with me at this point and all I remember was vomiting and farting at the same time. Blacked out and ended up in an Uber with two guys and my mate who I was staying with. Decided to do one more vomit for good luck and decided to keep the fart streak up with it. Don’t remember anything past that, but my mate told me her little sister, who was in primary school at the time, woke up to go to the toilet at about 4am and said “there’s a girl laying on the floor dead”. I was that girl. Woke up in the morning and found a mysterious substance on a pillow which triggered me to continue vomiting throughout the entire next day. Funny, I know I’ve had some but I can’t actually remember any of them.

PUMP UP

YA WHARE Laura Tretheway (she/her)

Woo hoo, you’ve convinced your flatmates to throw a party! Or they’re leaving town for the weekend… whatever works. Before you turn up the music, prepare your whare for visitors with these top party tips.

Hide your dirty SHIT No one wants to see your dirty laundry. Under the bed is a classic, and chucking stuff in the sheets also isn’t a bad idea. People are less likely to choose your bed as their make-out spot when your dirty t-shirts form the vague outline of a person. If you’re really against visitors, buy some caution tape from Look Sharp or Bunnings, and make your room look as appealing as a murder scene.

Stash your valuables Assume the worst and babyproof your flat. Red RTDs will be spilt, and someone will knock your iPad on the floor if you don’t put it somewhere safe. Drunk people are essentially tall toddlers, so if you’ve got a white rug, roll it up!

Clean the kitchen No matter how many comfy chairs or beer pong tables you put out, people flock to the kitchen. That’s why it’s good to make sure there aren’t any ants or mould waiting to scare people off.

It might sound like a downer, but registering your party with goodone.org.nz will help you avoid any issues. It also makes things easy if things do go south, like ya mate jumping on the roof and refusing to come down. If it can happen, it will happen.

Create a vibe I always walk out of EcoShop with something – whether you’re after some outdoor couches, new serving dishes, or a bigger speaker. They also have a weird and entrancing rotation of 3D artwork that would make for gooooood fun after a few hits.

Scan vax passes & print a covid poster The maths is pretty simple – under Red you can have 25 guests without vax passes, and 100 with ‘em. Either way, make it an official event by making a cute lil Covid-19 poster at tinyurl.com/CantaPoster – the hardest part is choosing a name for your whare!

Put on a spread Putting out some kai doesn’t just make you a good host – it also reduces the risk of your carpet being vomited on. Bowls of chips, savouries and popcorn never go amiss.

Dazzle ‘em with booze The best uni party I’ve been to is the one where there were vodka gummy bears. I literally cannot remember anything else, except being amazed that someone had combined my two favourite things: sweets and alcohol. You’re bringing your A game if you can pull out some jello shots, or a fruity punch. That being said, drink spiking is a real problem. Shit that it has to be said, but if your party has an open invitation, you’re better off sticking with individual bottles & cans that can’t be tampered with. ☹

Clean up as ya go Drag your recycling bin as close to the house as you can, and put boxes out for empties and other rubbish. An ashtray also isn’t a bad idea: you’d be surprised how many of ya friends crave a ciggie after a few drinks, with the butts ending up in the worst places.

All that’s left to do now is the playlist! Have a cracking party, and look after your mates – no one wants to leave a good shindig, but if your pal has peaked too early, be a good friend and take them home. In my experience, you can usually guilt them into paying for maccas, which makes it worthwhile. This comes from personal experience, having paid for a lot of cheeseburgers I haven’t eaten. Whoops!

WHAT TYPE OF

VAPE ARE YOU?

Ella Gibson (she/her) Smok Your name is either Jessica, Sarah, or Emma. Hot girl vape. Your Bondi Sands tan looks a little patchy too, queen.

PEn Congrats, you’ve just celebrated your 60th birthday! Just because your vape looks like a highlighter doesn’t make it have any sex appeal. I know you’ve still got a pack of durries in your pocket, don’t lie.

Caliburn Definitely the sexiest vape, whether you are though is debatable. Head spins for days. If you could drink vape juice, you would.

DISPOsable If you’re gonna vape, surely do it in an environmentally friendly manner, babe. This is definitely NOT your last disposable vape. You’re also 15 years old.

AlT Hunny, you’re the most basic that basic can get. You definitely wouldn’t say you vape, even though you do. You have at least 3 alt vapes in your car because your vape loss frequency is at an all time high.

mod Just shut the fuck up, we know you vape. There are differences between a walkie-talkie and a vape, they shouldn’t mix. Vaping 40 nic is not an achievement.

PSYCHED Why do i want to smoke when i drink? Ella Gibson (she/her) DISCLAIMER: This article is by no means encouraging alcohol and nicotine use. It is rather exploring the theories of why a lot of people infamously want nicotine when they get on the piss. Are you one of those ‘social smokers’? You know this feeling all too well; when you’re two or three drinks into a night with your mates and someone reveals their secret pack of darts to you. Suddenly, there’s this pressing urge for you to get your lips on one of those cheeky durries and light up. You would never actually tick ‘smoker’ on a health document nor would you smoke when you’re sober but you know you can’t deny that hoon or durry when you’re on the piss. I get it, we’ve all been there. Or rather, you are there riding on that social smoker wave right now. What is it about the temptation of a durry when you’re drinking? Alcohol is known to lower one’s inhibitions but why is there such an evident affiliation between alcohol and nicotine? Well, good thing you’re here because we’re going to dive right into the deep end of this substance pool. Similar to alcohol, nicotine functions as a social lubricant - apologies for the use of that word haha but it does make sense in this context. If you’re feeling uptight or stressed about a situation, often a way to ease the stress of a situation could be through a drink or with a puff. Please note that I am not endorsing doing this and suggest that you find a healthier coping mechanism. Nicotine is a stimulant drug as opposed to alcohol being a depressant. One brings you up and the other brings you down. Alcohol can bring on this woozy and tired feeling and can be alleviated by consuming nicotine as it keeps you stimulated. That is one of the very many theories around why nicotine and alcohol go hand-in-hand; they create an equilibrium between the stimulant and depressant effects and you often have one with the other. The main hypothesis about why humans want to smoke when they’re drinking alcohol is due to the lowering of inhibitions. How does this happen, you may ask? Basically, the drug impairs inhibitory control. That essentially means that alcohol alters attentional biases and implicit associations. Essentially, what you may normally do or want to do will change once you’ve got a drop of alc in ya. This is also the basis of why many marginal decisions are made when you’re drunk. You’re not going

to necessarily think about the frightening images that are plastered over cigarette packets when you’re on the piss, you’re gonna be thinking about the head spin you’ll get from a hoon. You simply don’t think about the same things that your sober mind thinks about. More than anything, nicotine can be a social ritual for some. If I’m not wrong, the central principle around going to a party is for socialisation. Maybe it’s a friend’s birthday, maybe your crush will be there, or maybe you’re there for a flat warming and want to go out and meet new people - the recurring theme here is socialising. The act of sharing nicotine with another may simply be that facilitating social connection between individuals. Whether you think nicotine is a social lubricant, whether it lowers your inhibitions, or whether it is a ritual of socialisation - you can’t deny the fact that it regularly accompanies alcohol. Next time you’re on the piss and go for that nic hit, take a sec to think - with the last of your remaining brain cells - about why on earth you’re reaching for that cheeky stimulant.

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LUCKY LUCKY

DIP CANTA’s longest running segment! Each issue we set two people up on a blind date and they record their experiences. Here are the uneditied results.

dippEr oNE You know that quote from Forrest Gump - “life is like a box of chocolates”? That’s exactly how I felt going into this blind date - I had no fucking idea what I was going to get. First, because I was going on a blind date, and second because I had no idea as to the gender of who I was meeting. I would argue that you have to mentally prep for a date with each differently. I’m always more nervous about dates with women or non-binary individuals than men. Don’t ask why. Possibly because I’ve been on way too many dates with men, but I’m a law student, not a psychologist, so I digress.

the right questions, showed interest in me and my life, and even remembered some little details about some of the work I’ve done which was immensely flattering. At one point I got cold and we decided to move inside. We almost made it in with all our things, cups, plates and spoons but I stupidly had left her to carry the most difficult items and a glass of water fell into one of the desserts. Silly from me, considering I’m a waitress and should’ve taken the harder load, but a few napkins later things were sorted and we fell back into the conversation.

I went into it hoping for the best (a sexy lady) and expecting the worst (a male engineering student). But I got the best of the best. I was absolutely stoked to see a tall, gorgeous girl standing outside Rollickin, and as soon as we made eye contact I realised we had shared classes together last year! I felt a bit bad that she remembered my name and I couldn’t quite recall hers, but in my defence, I hardly went to the course lectures in person (whoops). This made for easy conversation as we got in line and tried to communicate that we were the lucky dippers with the confused Super Scooper (no really, that’s what front of house at Rollickin are called in their contracts). Once we were loaded with desserts, we shifted outside and got talking.

A couple of hours flew by and soon enough it was dark outside. She reminded me uni started tomorrow (fuck) and it probably shouldn’t be a late night (sensible, responsible, I like it). As we said our goodbyes I floated the idea of giving her a lift home - a walk to the bus exchange at that time of night seemed dodge. As soon as I said it I slightly panicked that she might think I was coming on a bit strong and was angling for that kind of ride home, but she accepted and echoed my thoughts that walking alone in town at night wasn’t the best idea.This meant she got to see my cool car and I got to enjoy more of her company.

The conversation was easy given we had shared interests already, but we didn’t keep our chat to just uni. She asked all

that. Oh, and she left her mask in my car. Accidental? Maybe.

When we pulled up to her flat I was stoked that she floated the idea of another date. We exchanged socials and that was

dippEr two When I heard that Lucky Dip was heading to Rollickin, I knew I had to sign up. I frequented Rollickin enough times that I knew exactly what I wanted. But the date got off to a bad start, before I even got there. I didn’t plan my time and ended up being 15 minutes late. Heading into Rollickin, feeling exhausted from my speed walk there, I felt excited to meet my date and for my free Rollickin. Once I saw her, I knew exactly who she was. I’d always felt inspired by her because she did so much to help her community and the environment. We bonded through the shared reality of trying to do so much in so little time when it feels like the weight of humanity’s impending doom is resting on our shoulders. Although we never properly met each other, we both studied enviro and geography and were interested in saving the environment, so I felt comfortable immediately. There were no awkward ice-breaker questions and it all felt natural. We talked about the perils of flatting, studying, our

love lives, anything under the sun. Although, we didn’t have everything in common. I am a huge Marvel fan, but she had never seen any of them! Not a bad excuse for a second date! It got a bit cold outside, so we took everything inside. Unfortunately, even though I have worked in a bakery, my waitressing skills did not hold up well because I tripped and spilt water all over the table. So embarrassing. After a good 2 hours of talking, we concluded the date, swapped socials, and she was kind enough to drive me home with the promise of a second date. Overall, a very wholesome date, I had a great time. Cheers, CANTA!

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