C A N TA I S S U E
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M A R C H
STUDY TIPS FROM MAX KEY KILL COMMENT CULTURE HOW TO FLEECE DRINKS FROM PARTIES
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in this issue 11
HOW TO: FLEECE DR I NK S FROM PAR TIES
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CR ITI C AL ANALYSI S: SOCIAL MEDIA
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FL AT FAMOUS: THE GOAT HOUSE
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K ILL COMMENT CULTUR E
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5 ANON WOMEN TALK AB OUT: B RE AKUPS I N FR IEND CI RCLES
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LUCK Y DI P: TH I R D TI ME LUCK Y Editor’s note It’s issue three, and I’d just like you all to take a minute of reflection with me; I’ve had 96 days in this role and I’ve successfully resisted the urge to order pizza to my office. The letters are rolling in for CANTA this year! You can send me rants via Snapchat too; not technically a letter but I’ll let it slide. Speaking of Snapchat, so far I’ve only recieved one pic of genitals. That’s good going in my books. Thanks for being so kind to my eyes. Add us – I screenshot like a creep and add the best stuff to our ANTI SOCIAL page. So far my winning snaps are from Taco the
turtle. I love you Taco. You’re my third favourite kind of taco. Our FLAT FAMOUS this week is The Goat House. Eight boys living on Ilam Rd. You would have seen their Bunnings inspired van around, surely. Check them out in the centrefold. We have some sweet giveaways coming up in CANTA - this issue we have four VIP double passes to see Max Key at Topkapi next month... UBS also have $25 vouchers for Letter Of The Week too. Sweet! Thanks for being CANTAstic. .....I’ll show myself out. – Joshua
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Letters to the Editor Email let ters@canta.co.nz | <10 0 word s | Free coffee if we like your let ter
Canta, Not sure if you saw this, but a woman posted on the UC Noticeboard about a masked flasher on campus. It was basically a warning for others out there. She specifically said “don’t tag your mates in this as a joke, it’s serious” and hundreds of mostly (if not all) guys proceeded to do exactly that. What the fuck? Is a women’s safety not a serious enough issue for men to normalise and make light of a situation like this? I feel like if the majority of guys were targeted by a person with the intention to assault them like this, it would be a different story. In short: man up, men. Yours, Disgusted
it, spilling food on it, and sleeping in it…it will stink. There is nothing worse than a well wrapped person sitting opposite you, and the almost lethal avalanche of stale BO and unwashed clothes roiling out at the neck and washing over you. Think of others – and your increased chances of pulling – shower, wash and dry your clothes, wear clean undies. Many thanks OCD
Thanks for your letter, Disgusted. Every person on campus deserves to feel safe. Don’t forget you can request UC security by calling 6888 to escort you if you ever feel unsafe. –CANTA
Dear CANTA, Being a bit older (late 20s) than most students it’s fucked up that most of the girls are closer in age to my eldest damn niece than to me, but is it creepy if I still hit one or two up on the hotline bling? Signed Hotline Bling
Hi CANTA, Soap and its derivatives are your friend, whether it be applied daily to your body in a shower or bath, your hair at least once a week, or your clothes very regularly, the advantages are huge. You should also be aware that Lynx is not a “shower in a can” and does a poor job of masking your odour, and instead only adds to it. Improve your social interactions, don’t be the person who is isolated in an island of wretch inducing BO in the lecture theatre. What your mother told you all those years is true… your undies do need changing daily, socks too, your teeth need brushing, your face, armpits and hair need washing – and your genitals. Your puffer jacket may be your favourite piece of clothing, but if you wear it constantly, sweating into
Hi Hotline. Yeah it’s creepy. Your best bet is to hit up Cheap As Tuesday at Pak N Save, or maybe go to a scrapbooking event. But what do I know? I’m not an agony aunt. I’m a magazine editor who is locked in a basement. –CANTA
You win the UBS $25 voucher! You deserve it! –Canta
Dear Canta, Can you tell the UCSA to get its shit together and either: a) fix the “temporarily” out-of-order undercroft food court door or; b) remove the “temporarily” from the sign and stop lying to us Sincerely, Grumpy-doors (Do people know that that’s a play on the phrase ‘grumpy-drawers’?) Hey Grumpy – I’ve talked to the UCSA and they said the following: Thanks for your concern – the door is actually kept closed for health and safety reasons, due to the queues that form on the other side of the door. We will look at updating the signage to correctly indicate why the door is shut.
Hi Canta Re: The UCSA “$2 rice/noodles” shop. Firstly, what an amazing idea, great basic nutritional food for students (on a tight budget). I was amazed that when I went to sit down, at a table outside (to my immediate right), I was horrified at the build up of gunk that could only have occured over a number of weeks, if not months. I looked at other tables around me, they too were in a similar state, BUT PEOPLE WERE SEATED THERE AND EATING I walked to the kitchen and requested a cloth, and cleaned my table. I do not believe that cloth will ever be used again, it was filthy after
04 cleaning my one little table. Surely, this reflects on the (our) Students Association I thought it wise to inform you people, in the hope this will be rectified before someone else decides to make a formal report, elsewhere. Maria. Hey Maria – here’s the response from the UCSA: Thanks for your feedback, Maria. We take pride in our spaces. Unfortunately, our systems have slipped here, and we will ensure the tables are cleaned daily from now on.
Dear CANTA, I happened upon the latest edition and found something quite disturbing. In the “College sports in America” article, the U of M colors are given as “gold and maize; the latter, a dark blue...”. As someone from the great state of Michigan, I can tell you that the university colors are maize and blue. Secondly, maize is not dark blue- it’s more of a yellowish gold like corn... ya know maize. I just thought the record should be set straight, since the Wolverines take it quite seriously and getting it wrong could really cost you. -Concerned Colour Connoisseur Hey CCC, We blame Ollie! We blame Ollie! Seriously though; our apology is in this section. Maize is gold, maize is yellow. I will carry the burden of this editorial overlook with me for life. –CANTA
Hi there Philly and Canta I saw the letter to the editor about Budsoc’s request for discussion around Cannabis reform. I think it’s a great idea to have a discussion
about this and would like to offer an alternative view point. I’m by no means a tea-total puritan but do have a mildly disasterous history with pot and am wary about outright legalization. Let me know what you’d like and when and I’ll give it the old college try. Regards Robert Hey Robert – thanks for your input. I’ll pass on your details to Philly and we can have a robust debate in our Drugs issue of CANTA, later in the year. –CANTA Can you please confirm to me that you are allowed to park anywhere on campus after 5pm. Or is it 5.30pm? even including the chancellors car park!! Signed: Worried my car is currently being towed while I’m at the library Hi Worried, It’s 5pm!... at least I think? Either way don’t park in the Chancellor’s park! I live there. –CANTA
The UCSA have responded to the increase in salad prices at The Greek, from last issue’s letter. ‘Last year the UCSA introduced a small salad option due to demand. The initial pricing for these was priced too sharp, and hence the increase this year of 20c. There’s also an additional charge for Tabbouleh and Hummus. The best solution for all students is to use their V-Plate for an additional 10% off their salad. ‘
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CANTA FUCK UPS FROM LAST ISSUE: – We incorrectly referred to Chancellor of UC as John Wood. His correct title is Dr John Wood CNZM, QSO – Ollie referred to Michigan’s colours as ‘maize and gold’ in his article – this should have been maize and blue. See the letter to the editor in this issue. – Dr Bike is running Tuesdays from 12-1 on C Block lawn, during term time. CANTA says SORRY x
LOCAL news
STUDENT HACKTIVIST
MARCH FOR SCIENCE ~ “It is time to ‘Stand Up for Science’, Christchurch! Saturday 22nd April - 10-11:30AM Earth Day also coincides with the March For Science. Geni from March For Science has extended an invite to Scientists, Science students and Science supporters to march from outside the Canterbury Museum, down Worcester Street, to Cathedral Square with them. “The mission is to express to our community, our government and our world that we will protect Science and evidence-based research and facts. We are also marching to support those who are being negatively affected by attacks on Science in the
H I DE YOU R K I DS , H I DE YOU R B I K E S ~ Bike thieves are amongst us, and they are after your wheels. Don’t feel singled-out, they’re at Ara too. Ara Institute had eight bikes stolen from their campus in the past three weeks. In response, Ara beefed up security patrols and are looking into providing additional secure bike parks on the campus. A spokesman for the University of Canterbury (UC) said there were always more bike thefts at the beginning of the year. Last year 40 bikes were stolen, and “we’re up to 18 so far this year”. So only three weeks into semester one, already almost half of last year’s total has been stolen. The situation at Lincoln University wasn’t so bad, according to Julia Wills, media manager of Lincoln University Student Association. She said that could be because “no one really bikes to Lincoln, since it’s so far out of town”. So far no thief has bothered with the Borrow-A-Bike stock. UCSA president James Addington added that could be because they keep the bikes outside his window, where he can see them. “We’ve got pretty solid chains on them.”
U.S and all over the world. We are marching to show that we support and value Science in our lives and that we will stand up to protect it”. Geni says. “This will be a peaceful march, we will not be focusing on how we don’t all necessarily agree on everything each other stands for, but on what we do agree on: the importance of Science in our lives. Please be aware that you may not agree with every message written on others’ signs, but we don’t have to all agree to stand united. People from ALL industries, communities and departments of the Sciences are welcome - this is an inclusive march”. If you would like to volunteer for the March for Science in Christchurch email:marchforsciencechch@gmail.com https://www.marchforscience.com/ Last year the UCSA sold subsidised D-locks, which are harder to cut with bolt cutters, and the association is “looking to do that again this year”. In a media statement, Detective Sargent Damon Wells said only 58%, or about two-thirds, of stolen bikes are actually locked. He wisely pointed out that a more secured bike makes it “more difficult” to steal. So, here are some tips for keeping your bike safe at campus: – Don’t be one of the 42% of people who don’t lock their bike. – Lock your bike outside James’ UCSA office, so he can keep his eagle-eyes out for anyone “borrowing” your bike. – Start parking your bike at Ara, especially if they’re adding new bike sheds. Bus in from there. The UC spokesman also had some advice, encouraging “students to ensure any property they bring to campus remains supervised or secured at all times”. Maybe it’s time to take a leaf out of James’ book and keep your eyes on your bike: start taking it into lectures with you. By Skara Bhony
Shit your pants in front of a tutor. Clean it up to show off your problem solving skills. – No clean spoons? Find a fork and wrap the prongs in Sellotape. – Create new jandals by standing on an empty 2L Coke bottle and slipping your toes under the label. – If you wake up earlier on weekends, then you get to sleep in five days a week instead of two. Think about it. – Take clean dishes out of the cupboard. Wet these dishes in the sink. Put them on the rack. Your flatmates will think that you do dishes.
POT AN D B O OZE LOWER G R ADES?
The group behind the highly successful Women’s March has organized A Day Without A Woman strike — and thousands of college students will be participating, organizers say.
Okay so this completely flip flops on the last study we mentioned in the last CANTA!
The March 8 strike, which coincides with International Women’s Day, called for women to participate in one of three ways: take the day off work, avoid shopping (with exceptions for small, women- and/or minorityowned businesses), or to wear red in solidarity.College students who don’t work could still “strike” — but instead of calling off of work, they’re were encouraged to take off class instead The goal of the march, as organizers noted, is in spirit of “recognizing the enormous value that women of all backgrounds add to our socioeconomic system — while receiving lower wages and experiencing greater inequities, vulnerability to discrimination, sexual harassment, and job insecurity.”
College students who are struggling to keep up in class may want to lay off the alcohol and marijuana. A new study links heavy use of both substances to lower grades. The current study takes a closer look at grade point averages (GPAs) for U.S. students who start college with similar academic potential but use different amounts of pot and booze. For the first semester, the mostly sober student group had an average GPA of 3.1 and the heavy drinkers had an average GPA of 3.03, a statistically meaningful difference even though both are roughly equivalent to a B grade. Not all colleges and universities use the same grading process.
NOBEL PRIZE WINNING CAMPAIGNER MALALA YOUSAFZAI HAS RECEIVED A CONDITIONAL OFFER FROM A TOP UK UNIVERSITY. The 19-year-old, who is studying for A-levels, told a conference her focus was on achieving its requirements. “I have received a conditional offer which is three As,” said Malala, who was shot by the Taliban in 2012 for her campaign on girls’ rights to education. Her speech drew a standing ovation from the Association of School and College Leaders conference in Birmingham.
The heavy drinkers and pot smokers trailed farther behind, with an average GPA of 2.66, which might be a B- or a C+.
PIMP OUT YOUR FUTURE EARNINGS It’s about to get easier for students to finance study by selling a share in their future selves. Vemo Education (which sounds like an evil corporation from a cartoon) came up with the ‘alternative form of college financing’ known as an income-share agreement or ISA. This allows students to pay for college by selling a percentage of their future income to a backer, instead of paying out right or taking on debt. Typically, students who go into more lucrative fields pay a smaller percentage of their income during repayment, while students who go into less lucrative fields pay a larger share.
ISAs have been growing in popularity for the past few years. The benefit of this type of arrangement is that it better protects students from bad luck. One major downside is that because of the way ISAs are structured, students might wind up paying more than if they took on a loan. A typical ISA is 10 years, so a ‘lucrative graduate’ could wind up paying. What’s more, the optics of a young person selling stock in themselves are not great. It’s a sign of a growing interest and market around this product amid concern about the consequences of having millions of borrowers saddled with student loan debt. “Clearly there’s a need for alternatives,” said Mitch Daniels, a former Republican governor. “We’ve never suggested this is a complete one, but I believe it can only be helpful if it spreads and grows.”
INTERNATIONAL news
DAY W ITH OUT A WO MAN MARCH
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ANTA and Max had a chat about his upcoming gig in Christchurch, and you know what that means. Basically Max Key and I, your humble CANTA Editor, are best friends now. I’d like to say we drove around in that white Lambo in matching bandanas having a yarn, but reality sees me with a head too massive for a MK style bandana and my selfie stick broke ages ago.
MK: To be honest, not really. To me, uni is more like...I’ve almost got two personas, I guess. There’s the music side of my life, and then there’s just the uni side, the ‘get the degree done’ side of me as well. I just never let any of that stuff get to me, or let it change me. I’m just the same guy I was 3 years ago you know, so thats kinda how I like to live my life.
Yes, my snaps to MK are never opened, but I figure he just hasn’t clicked it’s me yet. Right Max? Max? Call me.
C: Do you reckon people respect that? I’m thinking people stare at you in lectures, or can you just slink in there?
In all honesty, I expected Max to be less.... nice. Sorry to all those people who comment F**K JOHN KEY on everything. This is the wrong article for you. The reality is, he’s at uni, winding up a double degree as well as managing a growing hobby as the Kiwi Calvin Harris. And yes, before you ask. I’m going to his gig. Here’s Max Key’s third interview ever! CANTA: I’ll start off with the most important stuff first: on Snapchat recently you played the Harry Potter theme on your synth, somewhat perfectly. I kinda feel like you would be in Slytherin. Thoughts? MAX KEY: Ohhhh, nah I’m more of a Gryfinndor guy to be honest. I’d like to share more love than hate, if you know what I mean. C: I’m pretty sure I’m Hufflepuff :( MK: Aww man, one of them, aye? C: So your social media profile is really gaining traction. You were trending number one for New Zealand YouTube with the release of All The Way, over 60 thousand followers on Insta, almost a million views on Paradise... do you walk around uni feeling weird about it?
MK: Definitely a few years ago I used to be able to slink in, but now it’s like, yeah it’s kinda hard to not be noticed I guess. I kinda started watching a lot of lectures online as well. I guess I don’t like dealing with it a lot of the time. C: You must have some weird interactions with people these days... what’s the weirdest? MK: There’s lots of awkward moments, like when people want a selfie – they don’t really know what to say to you and they’re real weird. I always try to start a conversation and be nice, but there’s people that are literally like ‘Ohh, can we get a photo?’, they take it and then just walk off... I wanna meet people, I like to talk to people, you know. It’s more important that I engage with someone than just get a photo. I’ve always been of the opinion that if I meet someone famous, or someone I wanted to meet, that I’d rather have a moment with them and connect with them. I feel like that means more to me than just a photo. C: Do people kinda say ‘HEYYYY..?’ like they recognise you but don’t know where from? MK: It’s pretty crazy now to be honest. There’s a lot of people who straight away say, “I know who you are.” If I go into a store or somewhere that’s not in my fan group or demographic, there’s people like in their 30s or 40s and have seen my face on stuff but they don’t really follow me. They’ll usually be like, ”You look really familiar, do I know you?” I usually just say, “Nah I just have a familiar face”.
C: Are you finishing up your degree? MK: Yeah so I’ve almost finished my conjoint in Property and Commerce. I have one more semester. C: So how do you juggle study as well as your music? What’s your advice to freshers out there who potentially want to do what you’re doing? MK: My advice would be time management. If you’ve planned your day properly, and you allocate time in the week you can get a lot more done. It is hard and it’s stressful at times, but it’s definitely doable. You gotta be on top of everything you’re doing. When I was in first year, I worked really hard but I didn’t work effectively. I wasn’t getting bad grades in first year at all, but I’m getting way more solid results now and I’m studying less. That’s one to stress; if you’re going to study, there’s no point being there for five hours and doing jack all. You’re better to do an hour and really grind out. Turn your phone off, get in the corner of the library and just put your head down and do it. Keep on top of it all – once you fall back, five or six weeks it gets pretty tough. Don’t let it happen! C: So we’ve rebranded CANTA this year. If you were down for it, we’d be keen for you to write a theme song for us. MK: um.......a theme song? *awkward laughter* C: Yeah. We can pay you in things. Stuff. Freebies. MK: *long pause* .... ummmm ...... yeah? I can try, I guess. C: I’m joking.
MK: *relieved laughter* C: Last question, Max. We had decent feedback on your last set here at The Foundry. When are you going to come back? MK: I’m performing in Christchurch on the 7th April – I’ve been working my set up, making all these new mashups. I’ve been putting heaps of time into it just to give people a good time. Come and have a fresh look – despite what people might think I’m like, or anything else, you know... just come down!
CANTA has four double VIP meet and greet passes to Max Key’s CHCH gig! Snap us before MON 27th MARCH and tell us why you deserve a double pass. We’ll put you on the door and you’ll meet Maximum Key. I’m assuming that’s his full name.
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club promoter Profiling the best clubs and events on campus
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offer social and competitive leagues as well as trainings that cater to players of all abilities, so don’t be afraid if you’ve never played before.
Ever thrown a frisbee around? We’ve taken that and turned it into a sport! Well, we didn’t do it ourselves, but we’ve adopted the idea. We’re the University of Canterbury Ultimate Club, and we’re the club for all things ultimate frisbee at UC. We offer a mixed gender and (very) social sport – and best of all, we’re FREE to join! We
On top of that, we’re running a range of awesome social events that you don’t want to miss! On the weekend of March 18/19, we participated in a Rookie Road Trip, a weekend of playing and partying with our friends down in Dunedin involving a night camping out in a big ol’ cave on the
UCUC UC Ultimate Club
UCPS UC Pong Society ~ UCPongSoc started out last year as a group of guys keen to see who was the best of the best at Beer Pong
and after a massive 2016, we’re back for another year, bigger and better than ever. It is our purpose to bring the beautiful game that is beer pong to you the students of Canterbury. We organise two tournaments each year, doubles and singles that run throughout the year and culminate in the Finals in term 4 where we find out who deserves the title of Canterbury Pong Champion. On top of that, we also organise a number of other events such as the Pre-Season BBQ and the Stack Cup Comp. Signup is free so you’d be a fool not to come get amongst. There’s nothing quite like beer pong for bringing people together.
beach. In the first weekend back from mid-semester break we’re also running our Frothing Frisbee Flat Crawl™. If any of that sounds like your cup of tea or you want to know more, contact us: FB - UCUC – University of Canterbury Ultimate Club Email - unifrisbee@gmail.com.
Our first event of the year, the PreSeason BBQ is coming up in a few weeks on the 25th March. It’s the perfect opportunity to come get some practise in and survey this year’s competition. It is also where we pick our First year Rep for the year, so if you’re first year and want to get on board the club scene, make sure you are there. - Email: ucpongsoc@gmail.com - Facebook: PongSoc
CUBA C a n t er bu r y Un iver s i t y B o ar d-r i d er s A s s o c i a t i on ~ As a new university year dawns, the CUBA team are fizzing for the upcoming froth fest that 2017 is set to be. After snagging supreme club, best social club and best event in 2016 we’ve lined up some sikha events for every board rider and party groover alike. Now, we know how it is, you meet a cute girl, you say you can teach her how to surf….. Buuuuut the only thing you’ve ridden this year is an uber when you were blackout after the fresher field trip. Luckily for you, we’ve sussed a wee checklist to help you avoid being
rendered a kook by your new found UC lover. The label Kook- isn’t purely a beginner surfer, its classed as another breed….its the insta loving, white wash warrior, gear munching newbie that is often inept of all surf/board riding etiquette. HOW TO NOT BE A KOOK: – Don’t drop in on other surfers/ board riders. This stands for all board sports. Wait your turn and respect the lineup. – Take your wetty off once you’re out of the water. We know its important to get that ‘Just went surfing’ look, but c’mon; the supermarket is no place for a wetsuit, period. – Wax goes on the top side of the board. Tip to tail on logs and on short boards tail pad to chest height.
– Only wear booties with a long wetsuit. No one looks good rocking the spring suit and booties. – Accept the wipeouts and nosediveseveryone kooks it at some point. For more info on how to avoid being the next feature on ‘Kook of the day’ and to impress the board rider of your dreams, come on down to our free CUBA yoga for board riders on March the 21st. The groovy class will run through the basics and get you surfing like a zen master in no time. For all the girls, make sure to lock in ladies learn to drop in/ open ramp night going down on the 25th of March. Much love, your Fellow Kook xx Sign ups: $15 @ cubacanterbury.com
CURRYSOC presents CURRY NIGHT One of 2017’s emerging clubs is CurrySoc- founded by Devanshi Gandhi exemplifies just how you can bring a unique vision into UC life. Gandhi’s club that takes on the tagline “Who doesn’t love a good curry” is an outlet for bringing the unexplored cuisine of her own culture to the students of UC. “The lack of knowledge of the food within Indian culture was the primary idea behind CurrySoc” she continues “Most people only really think of Indian food consisting of Butter Chicken or samosa’s and I wanted to show that there is so much more than that through a club that exemplifies authentic Indian cuisine.” CurrySoc will be holding various events throughout 2017 that aims to connect students with curries that aren’t popularised in western culture; the first of which will be held at Little India in Merivale from 5-7pm. Members and non-members alike are encouraged to come and experience what the “hottest, spiciest club on campus” has to offer.
Submit your club to be featured in CANTA | < 300 WORDS | 3x PICS |canta.editor@gmail.com
How to: FLEECE DRINKS FROM PARTIES
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t’s time CANTA delved into the things that really matter. We are here to help you. We are here to guide you through your time on campus, where you’ll be overworked, underpaid, stressed and in need of relief. The easiest way to combat all of this at once is attending that house party, and fleecing whatever is left in a plastic bag on the bench. Free buzz!
Tip 1: Be Basic.
Hey basics! Keep being basic. This is when basic = good. Think basic liquor. You need one bottle of something that everyone has. What’s on sale at Liquor King Riccarton? Get that. Don’t worry, you’re not drinking it. It’s a Devious Alcoholic Prop. This D.A.P could even be that empty bottle of Scrumpy you acquired in Year 12 – easy to fill that bottle with Thriftee if you play your cards right.
Tip 2: Dress For Success.
Big pockets help. Cardigans, oversized shirts and perhaps a large jaunty short. Cargos are for rock climbers and Geography lecturers, but who the fuck asked for fashion? Pockets can help quickly conceal booze when you’re hiding in a pantry doing damage to someone else’s bottle. Besides the less you look like you, the more likely it is to get away with the perfect crime.
Tip 2: Be Safe, Be Seen.
So you’re at this house party, doin’ the most in your cargos and cardi. Yep, you look like shit. That’s confirmed. Never fear though; this is very quickly going to turn into a silent victory as your plan is smoothly executed. This is where you have your Devious Alcoholic Prop on display. Hey! Yep that’s me, with my bottle, totally all me, not planning on anything else but drinking this sweet nectar and dancing to LMFAO in the kitchen. The aim here is to gather enough eyeballs that will act as witnesses if you’re caught.
Tip 3: Straight To The Source. Move fast. Make it dancey. Shimmy towards the kitchen bench. Jerky arm movements help. You’re Lorde. You are that diabetic from primary school that one time. You are your mum in the front row of Maroon 5. This is where you single out your source of booze carelessly left on the bench. Enough weird dance movements will make people scatter. You’ve now graduated to the Drunk Person Feeling Themselves In The Kitchen.
no second guessing. Do it quickly, and confidently. Now BOOST. You’re back in the fold, dancing in the lounge with the guy in the BK crown. Now you’re requesting Pitbull. This is a cycle you can repeat on the hour, every hour. No more, no less. As each hour ticks past, the process will get easier. Tell me; what party have you been in that you’ve kept a tally of your bottle’s contents until it’s too late? Yeah, that’s right. A word of caution: this whole process is gross. You will be hungover. Nothing will taste nice. You’re a bottom rung bandit and you know it. But at the end of the day, you’re comfortable, your eftpos card is dormant, and you have a wee bottle of room temprature voddy in your cargos. Win.
Tip 4: Open sesame.
Move fast and efficiently. You don’t really have time for mixers or ice, but be my guest... if you want to be exposed for what you really are. Taking a mouthful from each bottle is perfect. When you swig, don’t move your head too much. Move like you wear a neckbrace. The less you move the better. No looking behind you,
My tip for being a better person, if you really care: Use these four magical words: I’ve Never Been Drunk Nothing will legitimately get you free alcohol faster than this statement. You’ll also gain a few swaying sidehugs from the guy who smells like a freezer burnt pie, but you know these hugs will come with a beer, at the least. If you share some thinly veiled embarrassment, he’ll spread the word and more drinks will arrive. Welcome to a good night. Be warned, this booze virgin gig has an expiry date of approximately one month. People will see you, and remember you’ve done this. I mean, you vomited in a fishtank once.
By Joshua Brosnahan
ALL OF CANTA’S ‘HOW TO’ ARTICLES ARE FIELD TESTED BY THE WRITERS TO ENSURE EFFECTIVENESS.
CA NTA has a philanthropist vein, and to comply with a complicated court order, we are helping Mrs Ngaire tick off her bucket list. Sure, she wanted to be a ‘Columnist in That’s Life’ but when you’re this close to death, you need to take what you can get. Mrs Ngaire Chambers resides in Te Awamutu at the Sunset Retirement Village. Ngaire was once crowned Miss Rosetown and is best known for her bar fight with ex-friend Kiri Te Kanawa making the Waikato Times. Ngaire takes a bible studies class every Sunday and teaches dance “to the plain girls” at the local RSA.
Hello Grandma Ngaire, I’m new to uni and currently suffering from Fresher Flu. Do you have any tips on how I can combat this? Jenny Dearest Jenny, Being ill is no fun, you poor dear! No fun at all! Tonight I want you to pour yourself a lovely, big cup of steaming hot water with slices of lemon, crushed or sliced ginger and sip liberally whilst feeling that hot steam soothe, heal and relax your sore throat. Right? Feeling better? Now it’s time to harden the fuck up dear. No one likes a soft bitch. Microwave some V and go out dancing, you’re only young once. Love, Grandma Ngaire
Hi Ngaire, How do I tell my landlord that I want to bone him? This is urgent! Sarah Hello my dear Sarah, You sound like a woman who knows what she wants and I think that’s terrific! Good for you! A modern girl for a modern world! There’s nothing quite like old fashioned manners when it comes to love, sex or copulation that modern day technology just can’t match. I say you go right up to this landlord and you let him know you need him fiddling your fanny. Don’t text, faceplace message, nope, don’t even ring. Just go up and say face to face that you would like a good seeing to. Who knows, maybe you might get a heatpump out of it! If you don’t ask you don’t get! Get that dick, Grandma Ngaire
Dear Ngaire Chambers, The flat I live in stinks. I blame the guy who never leaves his room. How do I approach him about this? Munter Dearest Munter, My mother always said dogs belong outside and she was right. This boy you live with sounds like a right bloody mongrel. Kick his bitch ass to the curb and GET RID OF HIM. Fake a letter to Hogwarts. Tell him the flat lease being up. Say you all have to move out and he’s first. Glade plug ins will mask the smell enough to get a first year to take over the room. Actually maybe check this boy isn’t dead and rotting away in his room. If he is dead? You call Ngaire. I have bleach, shovels and know a woman called Scabby Jo who has helped me before. We can get through this together, Munter. Let me know. Grandma Ngaire xxx
We pa ss on your em ail s to Ngair e – canta .editor @g m ail .c om https://www.facebook.com /MrsNgaireChambers/ Grandma Knows Best – webseries coming soon
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CRITICAL ANALYSIS: Social media
Y
ou’ve waited all holiday for that perfect summer gram; Finally, you’ve got a picturesque location, you’ve done 2 coats of Bondi extra dark the night before and you’re wearing that new bikini mum and dad got you for Christmas. Just before the RnV day drinking can catch up on you, you get the perfect snap. The dappled lighting silhouettes along your seemingly palatable thighs and the normal pudge that hangs around your mid-region looks almost cute. Yowza!! At 6 pm that night you drop the pic- the likes start rolling in. That girl you had a class with in high school comments “OMG your bod makes me want to die your best friend gives the obligatory “Dayum girl” and even that creepy guy who you met at that party that one time slides into your DMs. 300 likes yeah boy. Life is good. The dopamine pumps through your veins with each new notification, titillated, you begin to browse past your killer selfie and wind up scrolling down the Instagram discover feed. Within seconds your mood (and self-confidence) takes a hit. What gazes back at you isn’t some model who works out for a living, no, worse. The tiny image glaring back at you is a neck to thigh shot of a girl from your hometown- not much younger than you. Her head is cut off but you know it’s her. The way the light gets caught on the creases between her abs, the prominent ‘thigh gap’ and her impossibly large bust.
With the increasing prevalence of social media and its integration into our psyche, more and more often we align our self-worth with our online performance. Adolescent females, in particular, are being moulded to seek approval by posting content on social media. The more likes their body produces- the more we feel accepted by our peers.... Right.
By posting provocative or revealing photographs we are admired yet at the same time we are scrutinised. The argument that sexualizedphotographs are empowering women is often conveyed by celebrities on their profiles, but in reality those who are confident enough to share photographs like this are branded as promiscuous and deemed as attention seeking. Correalation between social media, body dissatisfaction and increased bodysurveillence among teenage girls have been steadily on the rise1 . Notwithstanding- if you wish to compete in the social media market you have got to play the game. Sexualised imagery provokes a response. Good or bad it generates greater amounts of likes and comments than your stock standard sunset. Now, don’t get me wrong, I am a firm believer in sexual liberation and the FTN (Free the Nipple) movement, but it’s the motivation behind the photo that is the problem. Are we posting to share the epic day at the beach with our friends? Or are we merely seeking reassurance that, yes, I’m bangable. Our culture is consumed with the idea of being desired, what social media enables is the constant threat of
comparison. The “Yeah she’s hot but Brittney’s hotter” or “I wish I was as skinny/ curvy/ tall (whichever is in style) as her”. When we share a picture on social media we are only measuring the ability of another to tap the screen of their device. Your value should not be derived from the comments on your gram, rather it is made up of your hobbies, dreams, friendships, religion, accomplishments or wherever you chose to invest your mental energy. Your body is not a collection of desirable body parts purely for the pleasure of the male gaze. Social media creates a platform to easily compare and contrast our lives to those around us. In truth, however, we are comparing the ‘highlights’ of someone else’s life to the reality of our own. Almost every image that slides across our screen has been filtered and edited to aesthetic perfection. Despite the thrill of instant gratification, the brewing visceral dissatisfaction prevalent in the selfie generation makes evident the lack of contentment in the social media world. Seeking validation via social media is counterproductive and in the long run is completely irrelevant to your life and happiness. But why do we compete in a game we can’t win? No amount of likes will ever be enough. No amount of followers will ever come close to true companionship and no number of “connections” will fill the void of self-loathing if you place your value on a numerical depiction of what true life is. Social media was created for connection. However, this purport is grossly defeated with the influx of data collating about the detrimental effects of social media particularly on young women’s minds. The maladaptive usage of sites such as Instagram to bolster confidence is associated with lower levels of body satisfaction, body dysmorphia and higher rates of eating disorders. The rise of the unnaturally ripped yet tiny Insta-model who elicits envy with each passing gram- who ‘Swears by’ skinny tea, waist trainers or whatever the highest bidder is offering her. All promising to get the figure of your dreams within days of dolling out your hard earned cash.
So dear reader you ask, how can I actively engage in life online without joining the lecherous never ending cycle?? Compliment your friends on things other than their body. Purely commending the physical characteristics of a person- we are reinforcing the idea that our intrinsic worth is based on the how we measure up against our culture’s current standard of beauty. I get it, it’s nice to hear you look good. It’s human, it’s natural. Nonetheless, we are more than just the vapid vessel that incubates our mind. Don’t reduce your authentic self to a half-baked shell in order to appeal to wider audience, let your social media be a pure representation of you. You can refract from the norm, you can post content to provoke, no two people are ever the same so why mimic another’s online profile? They say that comparison is the thief of joy and I concur. You can’t gain self-confidence and success by fuelling your mind with the idea that social media is a playing field in which everyone is your competition. By Katie Harris
1 - Fardouly, J., & Vartanian, L. R. (2015). Negative comparisons about one’s appearance mediate the relationship between Facebook usage and body image concerns. Body Image, 12, 82–88. doi:10.1016/j. bodyim.2014.10.004
SOCIAL MEDIA NUMBERS 36 b i l l io n
Dollar value of social media advert revenue expected in 2017
Fi ve
30
Pe rce nt age of Inte rnet browsing spe nt on social me dia
60
The aver age per son’s so cial me dia account s
Pe rce nt age of social me dia inte rac tion spe nt on mobile
10 0
400 million
Minutes spent on so cial me dia net work s d aily
snapchat s se nt eve r y d ay
T H E G O AT H O U S E
FLAT FAMOUS
Issue three sees us at
The Goathouse. Surprisingly The Goathouse was pretty tidy. We spied a few made beds, and even a copy or two of CANTA for good measure. Notable features: stadium stacked couches, bulk lots of canola oil in the pantry and the freezer in the bathroom. In their words, they are â&#x20AC;&#x153;9 people doing not a hell of a lot with their lives. Find us on Sunday afternoons watching the Vodafone Warriors roll to another top-8 season.â&#x20AC;?
䴀 愀琀 琀栀 攀眀 倀 漀漀 氀攀
Who’s Who: Matthew Poole, 44 – City boy of the flat, diehard chiefs fan. An avid bird watcher, he has owned numerous bird baths. Jarred Durling, 21 – Worst cook, dirtiest flatmate. Jarred is fully operational at all times. Cousin of Suliasi Vunivalu, Joe Rockocko, Albert Vete and Blake Gibson. Oliver Jones-Allen, 21 – Old as the hills, has been round the block. Best friend of Gordon especially on a hot day in Bombay. Needs to relearn the English language. Proverbial Ace. Go the Makos.
Michael Foley, 21 – Bernie Madoff’s youngest son. Rent comes in late regularly, fresh from a Swiss bank account via a Cayman Island trust fund. Founder and guarantor of the $725 Warriors top-8 syndicate. Rhian Ward, 21 – Lead singer in his cover band “Wardy and the Dustpans”. Finishes faster than Nick Willis. Quote “I’m the lead singer in a band would you like to come hear?”. Did we mention he’s in a band? EP to come. Hugh Knight, 21 – G’day Hugh Knight here, probably just got my phone on silent. Shaved his head in year 13. Often over-tired on certain weekends.
Callum Wisbey, 21 – Callum does the bins. Biggest heavyweight at all events especially all ages ones. You will find Callum facing the wrong way at most Uni events. Daniel Grimes, 21 – And in the red corner weighing in at 195 pounds Daniel ‘The Grim Reaper’ Grimes. 0-3 against himself. Straight out of his cot. Fresh from Dunedin. Scott Bevin, 21 – 2 metre Peter is the current UC breast stroke champion. Is a huge advocate of dry bagels down the road. Doesn’t know what his girlfriend’s names is, and not sure why she’s leaving or where she’s going to depart to. #BS4L
Photography by Sara Qasem Aldaqqa
KILL COMMENT CULTURE L
ast week there was an assault of a indecent nature on campus. This is not up for discussion, or debate. This is not a ‘he said, she said’ situation. When a person wears a balaclava, tracks someone on their walk to university and plans an indecent exposure, this is a form of indecent assault. Within minutes of this event, the police were called and there was a post on the UCSA Noticeboard– a group with close to 9000 members.
Here’s where it gets deeper – the original poster was contacted by at least one other person who was approached by the person on the bike. There were potentially more people who has encountered this person, according to the comments on the thread. This is now not an isolated incident. This is a planned, repeated assault on women on campus. This made me review the comments once more. Were the posts of women tagging other women (without comment) a silent nod to similar incidents? Most, if not all the offending comments were men tagging other men. IN HER OWN WORDS: Lads, please let me educate you on what it is like to be a female in this day and age. When we leave the library late and it is dark we walk in groups, if we’re alone we try and call someone, or we walk with our keys between our knuckles ready to react. This most likely seems like a bit of an overreaction, yet when “up to one in three girls will be subject to an unwanted sexual experience by the age of 16 years” it becomes the norm. (http://rpe.co.nz/information/ statistics/)
The poster’s intentions were clear. It was a warning to others, to watch out for the person responsible for the attack, now heading down Kirkwood Ave. Now skip to me, the Editor of CANTA, scrolling through 18 pages of screenshots of comments made under the post. A mix of tagging friends, repeating the same tired joke over and over, women tagging other women, and even comments making allowances and justifying the act. This is not okay. Not now, not ever. We need to kill this culture on campus. The UCSA Noticeboard administrator then removed the commenting from the post.
On March 6th I was the victim of a crime, indecent exposure to be exact. No this was not banter; no this was not funny and yes it does constitute a crime. I should know because when I was fifteen years old it happened to me for the first time. The comments below are what normalizes rape culture. Sure, I wasn’t raped, but that doesn’t justify his actions so don’t pretend it does. The post was made as a warning to all students. A man committing a crime of a sexual nature was heading down Kirkwood Ave. There was no need for discussion, it happened and I posted a warning. The comments tagging friends making jokes weren’t necessary, it is these types of comments that belittle victims of sexual crimes. All I ask is that you think, is your opinion asked for? Is your comment helpful? If not, kindly fuck right off.
E
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These attitudes displayed on the UCSA Noticeboard perpetuate rape culture. If you don’t know, now you know. Look it up. Educate yourself. Commenting, and making light of a situation where a victim of an assault is a large part of why the majority of sexual assaults are not reported. The post was not asking for discussion, or debate. It was a warning to other people in the vicinity. And yet, posts like this are made:
As it stands, we have two people who have come forward, both with varied reactions to the incident, but both just as valid. As students at UC, everyone is entitled to feel safe. Everyone.
Unfortunately this won’t be the last time someone comes forward with a similar incident. Perhaps if they decide to be as proactive as the poster above, we will not minimise the issue at hand, and remember this is a human being. We all deserve the right to be safe on campus. We should all be able to come forward without fear of our trauma being minimised. By Joshua Brosnahan
CANTA approached the UCSA for information and they provided these support contacts:
AVAILABLE SUPPORT FOR STUDENTS UCSA Help offers independent support and advice for students. Students can drop in to the office which is located in room 123 in the Library Undercroft, or contact either the Manager, Ee-Li (ee-li.hong@ ucsa.org.nz) or the Student Advocate, Catherine (catherine.staite@ucsa.org.nz). Student Care is a support and advisory service through the University. They can help with all student concerns affecting success and wellbeing at the University. They are located in the back of the second (main) floor of the library and are happy for students to drop in with their hours being from 9-5pm. Phone: +64 3 364 2987 Email: studentdevelopment@canterbury.ac.nz UC Health Centre has medical services, such as GPs, nurses and offer counselling services through psychologists and registered counsellors. They are happy to assist students at their reception during their day hours of 8:30 – 5. To make an appointment, go in to see them or call them on +64 3 364 2402. Outside of their office hours, they have a monitored 24 hour number (364 2402 or 6402 internally). A trained health professional will answer and assist the student. UC Security is there to help if there is an emergency both during and after hours. The security can assist students to get in touch with someone who can help. Emergencies: On Campus - 6111 Off Campus or by cell phone - 0800 823 637 General: On Campus – 6888 Off Campus or by cell phone - 03 364 2888 External supports that are available in the wider community: Victim Support: 0800 VICTIM (0800-842-846), 62-70 St Asaph Street, Christchurch Central. They offer 24hour support for people affected by crime or trauma.
R APE CULTURE
Rape culture pyramid infographic from www.11thprincipleconsent.org
Samaritans: http://www.samaritans.org.nz/ or 0800 726 666. Samaritans offer non-judgmental, confidential support to anyone in emotional distress. The support is available 24 hours a day.
Research Spotlight
nonbinary gender identity This week we talked to Jacq Jones who is currently pursuing a PhD in the linguistics department here at UC. Their research focuses on people who have a nonbinary gender identity, and how this affects their language in different contexts. Jacq is originally from Alberta, Canada, where they studied Ba and Ma in Linguistics. In many western cultures, gender identity has been thought to be a binary idea for a long time. In a culture which has binary genders, there are a whole set of assumptions about men and woman and the way that they act in different contexts. One such assumption is that men and women speak differently; and differently in a way distinct from biological aspects of speech (like vocal fold thickness). However, the idea of gender being binary is simply not the case! Just a few examples of nonbinary genders are bi-gender (identify as both male and female), genderfluid (gender identity changes over time, or in different situations), or agender (don’t identify as male or female). Jacq’s research focuses on how a nonbinary persons speech might be affected by binary cultural ideas surrounding the way people speak. Jacq is especially interested in the context of language. “That means when that person is talking to their family, there is a whole set of assumptions which is different to when they are talking to someone they met a week
ago. Which is really interesting! So if someone’s identity is nonbinary, are they going to speak differently when they are speaking to another nonbinary person at the Q-Canterbury meeting than if they are at work talking to some random?” Penelope Eckert uses the phrase “navigating linguistic landscapes” for how people operate in a linguistic culture. In the context of a nonbinary person, Jacq says “The ways that people work, when everything they do is going to be assumed as gendered, or misgendered in a way. “ As well as speaking, linguistics also studies how speech is perceived by a listener. Who is being talked to and what is being talked about can affect the way people speak. “So after this data gathering, once I get a chance to look at it, I’m hopefully going to do a perception portion of this.” Jacq says, “So this would probably be some kind of experiment where I’m not asking for people to listen to speech directly, but asking people to gender speech, and ask them, ‘who do you think produced this?’. From this, I’d like to try and zero in on, say, is there a nonbinary cue, or something that people can hear? So if I have a block of speech from a nonbinary person and I play it, a binary person might not get anything out of it, but a nonbinary person might be like ‘Oh, I recognize that!’ “ Jacq is just beginning the data gathering stage of their PhD. If you would like to find out more, or if you’re a nonbinary person who is interested in participating in the study, you can get in touch with Jacq at jacq.jones@pg.canterbury.ac.nz
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5 anonymous women CA NTA randomly selected five women, gave them wine, food, a dictaphone, a topic to talk about and slowly backed away...This week’s topic: Breakups in friend circles
So a couple in your friend’s group has decided to break up. How do you manage those first awkward months?
“Be Switzerland. Always be Switzerland”
“Well you can’t invite both of them to group events! That’s super awks!”
“It depends on what they did.” “We can choose sides if one has been a tool, or is being an asshole about the breakup or if we were friends with one first.” “It’s not fair to ostracise one for convenience, just because everyone else doesn’t want to deal…” “I reckon the best policy is to smile and nod. People are always bitter post break up and tsk shit about one another. Almost forcing you to take sides. “
“Choosing is so hard, but it’s easier if you were friends with one first and the other got absorbed by the group…” “I say go with the one you’ve known the longest.” “Maybe you’ve got to pick the one who doesn’t have as many other friends, because they’d find it harder not being a part of the group anymore?” “If one cheats, or is an asshole so they broke up then I guess that would be easier about who to pick…” “I have had this issue a few times. I usually choose the one I’m closest to.” “Typically, one was a friend beforehand, so that one is the one you stay with and invite foremost to group stuff.” “Just invite the one who is most fun!” *laughs* “Or whoever has the best bants....” “Yeah, definitely best bants.” “I don’t want to stick with the down-buzz one” “Sisters before misters, bros before hoes!”
“Go to the girl for the gossip and when they’re on the rebound they get the wildest. Go to the boys for when you want some sanity.”
Do you have to choose sides?
“They’ll get over it, you just got to let them go, and not even get involved… that’s easier said than done.” “It can cause rifts within friend groups if hald take one person’s side and the others take the others. You may lose more friends in the process.”
Can this ultimately end well, or is this the end of the group as you know it? “In my experience it usually ends with someone leaving, but not necessarily the end of the group.” “With the friends I have, it has always worked out. It’s just a revamp of group members.”
“I usually just don’t invite either of them.”
“It can work if people are reasonable, but most people aren’t reasonable.”
What are the do’s and don’t of dealing with a splitting couple?
“Sometimes one of them gets a new boyfriend or girlfriend anyway and ends up joining another group by default. BYE!”
“Don’t sleep with your friend’s ex!”
“Don’t try and take both people’s sides, everyone always finds out the shit you say.” “I had a friend who went through a really bad break-up and she would freak if we even talked about him for the first month.” “…but they need to realise that everyone was friends, and not to make it all about them.” “Don’t say anything in general! Just stay super neutral!”
“I think it depends how close you are before they got together or how bitter the break up was.” “Yeah, what the reasons were, and how big the group was to begin with…” “I guess this is why it’s always important to keep your own friends, you know?” “Moral of the story: don’t ditch your friend group for his in case of bad break up!”
If you have a subject you want covered by 5AW, or want to be involved, send us an email! Canta.editor@gmail.com
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CANTA COLUMNS Submit your column to canta.editor@gmail.com Here’s some of what they said:
The F-word Episode 3
After celebrating International Women’s Day on the 8th of March, we asked our members in FemSoc why they think it’s an important day.
The No. 8 Inquirer
‘It reminds us to stop and think and look at things like the gender pay gap which remind us that our society is still rife with sexism’ - it’s easy to almost forget everyday occurring sexism because it’s ‘normal’ to us, so having occasions that make us notice it again is hugely important. ‘An excuse to wear my favourite red dress’ - although feminism believes that no one should need excuses to wear exactly what they want, this is still an especially good day to do this, and this year, we wore red in
Bare Bullion—ACT IPO
Seymour, whose hobbies include smoking around children, also noted that this will help ACT vote efficiently.
ACT Party leader and abortion fan David Seymour announced on Thursday that the party is set to go public.
“With shareholders at the helm, decisions on what to support will be commercial and therefore correct.”
“At ACT we’re firm believers in business. That’s why we’re putting your money where our mouths are. The Party intends to incorporate and list on the NZX, with an IPO scheduled for mid-July. “Private organisations are simply more effective. ACT has been performing poorly, and this will be the shake-up it needs.”
Furry and proud I am a UC student and I identify as a furry. Spare your jokes and lame cliches. I don’t care. Come Winter time, I will be dressing as I please, warm and comfy in my favourite suits. If you look past the fetishised component of Furrydom, you’ll see a bespoke, artisan culture. My suits are made here in NZ, and range anywhere from $2k to $6k. I even spent my course related costs on a special add on dragon tail. I have a large network of friends, in NZ and across the world who feel the same
Concerns that this could lead to “bought votes” were embraced by the hospice hating MP. “We sincerely hope that this will lead to literal ‘bought votes’. If an investor believes that investing in ACT is a wise choice, then their voice deserves to be heard in parliament.”
way I feel, and always have. This is part of me forever. I’m proud of who I am, and I wish there was more of an accepting culture on campus so we could have our own society. Everyone else has one. There’s a Beyonce one! Why not FurSoc? If you see me on campus, most likely dressed as a dragon, please say hello. I identify as FireFur when dressed. Ask me questions. My family know. I’m out of the fur closet. I’m happy, I’m confident, I’m handsome. I’m popular. I really am. I just like what I like. And that is being a furry dragon called FireFur. – FireFur
solidarity with the worldwide ‘Day without a woman’. ‘To celebrate how far we’ve come, and to consider what we can do to improve’ - and we should celebrate how far we’ve come, and remember to keep moving. So, International Women’s Day is a time to put on your favourite empowering clothes and celebrate the achievements of past feminists, while taking seriously our responsibility as feminists of the present. – Femsoc “It is as Adam foretold in the Garden of Edinburgh, the free market in action, beauty” Seymour whimpered seductively. In preparation for the offering, the Party will be holding séances at NZX premises across the country. “We hope that you’ll come for a Pint With Relatable Dave, and stay to be blessed by the Invisible Hand” said Seymour. “Praise Milton” – Albert Aryan.
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H a r d ya r d s The UC Film Club put in the hours watching c l a s s i c ‘ m u s t wa t c h f i l m s’ s o th a t y o u c a n p r e t e n d y o u’ r e c u l t u r e d .
What makes this film a classic?: Like the other two films that were discussed on this page before, this movie has an unconventional ending. The difference is, this movie might make you feel extremely gullible and vulnerable once it ends. You don’t really get to know the asshole who committed the crimes or maybe you do but your deceivable brain doesn’t really want to accept it. If you ever want to save yourself from those cunning salespeople who try to brainwash you. trying to sell whatever shit they are selling, you’ve GOT to watch this film. This movie is an incredibly efficient litmus test to see if you are really naive. Don’t be naive !!!!!!!!!!!! It’s a bad ugly world out there.
Movie details: The Usual Suspects (1995) Why should I pretend I’ve seen this film? This is like the most dishonest film that was ever made. Everybody lies in this film or that’s what it seems. So I’d give you brownie points if you actually pretend that you’ve seen this film without actually having seen it. (Wait, did I just spoil the movie for everyone?) One sentence sum up of the plot: A man called Kevin Spacey apparently lies for the entire duration of the film and you think he is speaking the truth and therefore you’ve got yourself stuck in the sticky paradox of a film that “The Usual Suspects” is.
Give us some facts about this movie I can impress someone with: I hope you’ve seen “House of Cards”. Of course you have. How can anybody ignore the Congressman that is Frank Underwood ? He is that pathological liar who is ready to send you to your grave if you interfere in his matters. Well, for your kind information Frank Underwood was a petty criminal called Verbal Kint during his younger days. And you get to see Verbal Kint in “The Usual Suspects”. Like most other cabinet members, Frank Underwood does have a criminal background after all. And why is that so surprising? Somewhere between being Verbal Kint and being Frank Underwood he chopped off Gwyneth Paltrow’s head and put it in a box and sent it as a gift to Brad Pitt. No wonder Mr. Pitt has had a bad alcohol and drug history.
Blame Verbal Kint for the two famous divorces that happened in 2005 and 2014 respectively. Kevin Spacey claims that every actor on set believed himself to be Keyser Söze, and has repeatedly told a story about Gabriel Byrne flying into a rage when he screened the film and realized it wasn’t him. The pitch for this movie went like this: “There’s a guy being interrogated by another guy, who is looking for a criminal. He’s sitting in a big messy office with lots of crap in it. And there’s this bulletin board on the wall. At the end of the film, when the guy who’s doing the interrogating finally turns around and looks at the bulletin board after the other guy has left, he realizes that not only is this guy the guy he’s been looking for, but he’s made up his entire story from the board.” The producer’s response was simple: “That’s great, go with that.” Controversial or alternate theory on the storyline: This movie should have been called “Body of Lies”. The Ridley Scott film that released in 2008 and starred Leonardo DiCaprio and Russel Crowe should have been called “ The Usual Suspects”. Watching a movie like this is a stepping stone towards that dream political career that you always wanted ;-) By Reo Roy
T h e UC Fi l m C l u b i s c l u b ope n t o s t u de n t s o f a l l d i s c i p l i n es w h o e n j oy f i l m . Fa ceb o o k .co m /UCFi l m C l u b
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ANTI SOCIAL
GIG GUIDE SASHA VE E, lU MI NOUS A LBU M TOU R
Sabu Toyozu mi Wed 23rd March Location 336 St Asaph St Venue Dark Room Price $10 + BF
Thu 24th March
J ON TOOGOO D SOLO & ACOUSTIC
RDU 98. 5fm
Location The Tannery, 3 Garlands Road Venue Blue Smoke Price Regular $20 + booking fee / Door price $25
presents
Wed 12th April
h e lmet
Location The Tannery, 3 Garlands Road Venue Blue Smoke Price $42.50
Location 126 Madras Street Venue The Bedford Price $55
facebook.com/Tunesoc Hello again! We hope you are all settling nicely into Term 1 and are amped to see what TuneSoc has to offer in the near future. We’ve got a couple of great events coming up -- Welcome to TuneSoc on Wed 22 March with free entry for paid TuneSoc members (otherwise only $5 or sign up at the door). There’s gonna be heaps of performances from TuneSoc bands/artists including Mako Road, Dusky Sound and more. Did we mention there’s going to be drink deals on jugs and more? Also, the Shilling Club Sessions are up and running on Friday arvos -- 4pm ‘til 6pm, come along and take advantage of the food & bev specials! -- xoxo TuneSoc
UPCOMING EVENTS: ‘Welcome to TuneSoc’ – Wed 22 March @ The Foundry, $5 or free for paid TuneSoc members ‘The TuneSoc Open’ – Wed 29 March @ The Foundry, open-mic night ‘Battle of the Bands’ – Coming up in May, time to get your band together!
Fri 21st April
Nostalgia Festival, By Hayden Slaughter If anyone ventured to Lyttelton on the 4th of March, and were baffled by the distinct lack of other humans in the area, I think I may have the answer. Nostalgia Festival, at The Ferrymead Heritage Park, provided a taste of the vibrant New Zealand independent music scene, cunningly intertwined with food, art, and culture, all of which created one of the most unique musical experiences I have witnessed in Christchurch. Awash with men in fedoras and loud shirts, woman channelling early Stevie Nicks and Janis Joplin, and children without a care in the world, I was mesmerised. 150 words is too little to describe the full impact of this festy, a few highlights being; the RDU stage showcasing some of the best talent from the Christchurch music scene like Salad Boys and Bryony Matthews, Lawrence Arabia’s captivating stage presence and immaculate song writing, and Liam Finn ‘slapping some skins’ like a young John Bonham. Nostalgia Festival was a destination for Lyttelton hippies and hipsters, families, anyone who enjoys a good craft beer, and musical enthusiast alike.
SAVAGE AT MONO The return of MONO has been huge, first Nomad and then Savage. The man himself. If you didn’t realize, Savage is a pretty big deal. His legendary performance at the foundry re-opening in 2012 took the new Foundry design back to the drawing board. The floor caved in. Apparently the “Engineers” who helped to design the events centre “did not calculate a dynamic load for the floor”...? This time round the floor held its own,even with the lines of peole that started appearing from 8:15pm onward. If you somehow managed to survive the stampede of first years that charged from outside on the first note of SWING and then eventually slip your way out of the hundreds of sweat soaked bodies that had amassed that night, you my friend have now got one more uni related story to tell your grandkids. But this week was extra special. A story unfolded of a connection made 8 years ago on a tropical Island, as soon as Miss Samoa snapped the pic, Will Jones established his love for one of New Zealand’s Hip Hop greats. Will found out his favorite former Deceptikonz member was headed to perform and straight away made contact with the kind people here at MONO. Suddenly, the MONO make a wish foundation team sprung to action and Wills dream came true.
Jump on the Rent bandwagon. It’s worth it. By Maddy Tatom I (somehow) scored tickets to Musoc’s latest gig, Rent. I’ve found that you’re one of two people: either you are a Rent Head (and love it, obviously), or you’ve never heard of it before. Musoc bloody well do it justice. There’s soulful singing. There’s dancing (and even dancing in synchronisation - top stuff). There’s tears (real ones too), costume changes, a Christmas tree (with lights). And then there’s the cast, who are amazing. Rent is a story about things that we like to sweep under the rug. It touches on addiction, sexuality, poverty and sticking it to the man. And it’s set in the 80’s. Do I even need to say more? Okay, fine. Rent follows a year in the life of half a dozen struggling artists living in the city of New York. Narrator Mark (an aspiring filmmaker) documents his roommate Roger (a struggling musician) who finds love with Mimi (exotic dance and drug addict). His friend Collins (Tom Collins) coincidentally finds Angel (a transgendered drummer) and they pursue a romantic relationship of their own. Mark’s ex-girlfriend Maureen (a less than faithful performer) has shacked up with lawyer Joanne and they struggle through their differences whilst still being true to themselves. The group struggle through life as they refuse to pay rent and feel the harsh reality of living with HIV. They’re hungry, freezing and broke - relatable, right? Spoiler alert (if it wasn’t already made clear): this one’s a tear jerker. #waterproofmasacara
Highlights (I feel guilty just picking 3): 1. “Out Tonight” sung by Mimi (Bryony Jamison). For me, this song makes or breaks the show. Jamison managed to hit all those tricky notes all whilst swinging sexily from some scaffolding. Now that’s what I call multitasking. 2. “Over the Moon” sung by Maureen (Roz Ellis). This one had me in tears of laughter and awe. Ellis nailed the feisty character of Maureen. So. Much. Sass.
If you have MONO wish feel free to message the page and tell us all about it!
3. Any scene with Angel (Logan Pocock). I am in love. Pocock was a delight and portrayed the character of Angel so well. Dear Pocock, can you teach me how to cartwheel in stilettos? You made me cry and I’m not even mad.
See ya on Thursdee!! – Thomas @ The Foundry
To conclude, Rent is one event of the year which you did not want to miss. If you did…? You better get onto Musoc’s next gig.
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G
olden Key is the world’s largest collegiate honour society. It was founded on November 29th, 1977 at Georgia State University in Atlanta by Jim Lewis. It is committed to a high standard of scholastic achievement, and an ethos of integrity, innovation, respect, collaboration and diversity. Membership into the society is by invitation only to the top 15% of university undergraduates. There are more than 400 chapters at colleges and universities around the world. With more than 2 million members, including honorary members such as Desmond Tutu, Elie Wiesel and Bill Clinton, Golden Key carries an esteemed legacy of achievement. Members are a community with a linkage to widely respected individuals and ideals … all part of the continuum of excellence. Our mission is to enable members to realise their potential through the advancement of academics, leadership and service. As portrayed on the Society’s seal, our three signature elements, Academics, Leadership and Service, are inextricably linked together. Golden Key membership begins with the recognition of academic excellence, but the true benefit of membership is realizing one’s potential through leadership and service in the community. Golden Key takes the belief that the power of knowledge has the ability to
transform lives and change situations for the better. We want to harness the power of all of our members to come together to make a targeted and significant difference in their communities all over the world. To accomplish all of our goals, Golden Key has established “Honour Through Action”. Honour Through Action is our campaign to tap the best and the brightest to put their collective weight behind the problem and its solution – bettering communities throughout the globe. The campaign does this by offering more scholarships, launching an elite leadership development program, and establishing a global service initiative. The University of Canterbury chapter has over 5,000 alumni and current student members. The chapter has always focused strongly on community service and has organised several outstanding initiatives including Primary School Mentoring, Habitat for Humanity house building, tree planting, blood drives and fundraising. The student chapter Committee runs like a club on campus and is available for any information new members may require. The Committee provides leadership opportunities, career events and community service activities on campus. For more information and to learn about Golden Key’s on campus initiatives relating to Academics, Leadership and Service, join us
on March 23rd for an information session. Our New Members Reception, which recognises the academic achievement of our newly invited members, will be held on April 27th. Highlights of our year include primary school mentoring, NCEA help sessions and scholarship evenings.
Why should I join Golden Key International Honour Society? Membership in Golden Key International Honour Society is an opportunity to be officially recognised as being in the top 15% of undergraduate and postgraduate students. Golden Key offers members’ valuable opportunities for individual growth, including over US$12.5 million in scholarships awarded to date as well as a range of unique discounts. Members can also participate in a broad range of social activities, community service initiatives and career enrichment programs. Golden Key membership is for life, and connects you to a global network of over 2 million high achievers from 190 countries through the world’s largest honour society.
For more information please email us info@canterbury.goldenkey.org.nz or check us out on Facebook, facebook.com/GKUCNZ.
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LUCKY DIp ONE SIDE On a real note, the date was fine. I feel like I dressed appropriately, I had a lit shirt on but converse’s so - casual. As far as dates go I’ve got little to compare too but I think it went well. I’m pretty sure the general conversation flowed. Hazy on a lot of what we talked about but I guess it was mainly about Uni/being young. (?) I didn’t want to be rude so I was only going to have a few beers but fuck that, it definitely it made it better being low-key (high-key) drunk. Maybe not better but funner. My date was nice. I think it made it better we were both on the same page when it came to drinking. I think we’d enjoy a reasonable friendship after the date. Not close or anything but I wouldn’t be angry if I saw her around. I’d be kind of interested in what she’s up to. I wasn’t planning on getting any food but the pizza was actually good. For one less drink it’s almost worth getting a small pizza. Not really about Spagalimis but if I got another voucher I’d probably go back. The waitress was all about it though. I saw her pouring and she gave zero fucks with her shot sizes, so I mean that was nice. We bought a bottle of scrumpy after across the road and walked to a party. Hadn’t smoked during dinner because I wasn’t sure what her buzz with smoking was but at this point I really didn’t care. But all good. Three durries later we made it to the party and I’m pretty sure that was the end of the date.
THE OTHER SIDE After discovering I was the only single girl in the flat out of 8, I jumped at the opportunity for a date and the prospects of a little post O-week action. Turns out I was fucking nervous. Who goes on a blind date for their first ever date?? Horny people. 6 glasses of wine and a jam donut shot later I was still panicked af. But off I stumbled to spags. I think he was cute, although that could’ve been the wine talking. But, who the fuck orders a pizza that only has mushrooms on it? Obviously a fun-gi. We thought the easiest way to make the night less awkward was to get a small amount of food and spend $80 on drinks (this worked perfectly in my favour, because here he was thinking he was gonna get me drunk and have his way with me, but that was my plan all along). Things escalated pretty quickly. Luckily ol Spag’s was pretty quiet so we could get a little frisky under the table - what can I say? I’m a meatlover. Some great chat and a rusty trombone later - we decided to part ways. I followed strict instructions from the flatties that if I wanna make him my boyfriend then I mustn’t bang on the first date. (10/10 would bang tho). Cheers Canta for my first ever date x
Overall solid night.
Submit yourself, your sad flatmate or some other obsessive Tinderer to The Gentlemen’s Club www.facebook.com/thegc.canterbury
Ummmmm this is almost cute. You like each other! I think the curse is broken and CANTA CUPID is working his chubby love-baby magic. I’m pretending the under the table loving didn’t happen.... but for future reference, which booth should I avoid? PS- food is sexy. Eat more food. Ex oh, CANTA Cupid x
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HAPPY ENDING SUDOKU
MEMORY LAME SLENDER MAN The Slender Man is a fictional supernatural character. It is depicted as resembling a unnaturally tall man with a blank and usually featureless face. Stories of the Slender Man commonly feature him stalking, abducting or traumatizing people, particularly children.
– 420 Thought –
COLOUR ME IN
MAZE
T h e w o r d “ OK ” is just a stick figure laying on its back.
Issue 1 .
We ek 1