CANTA issue #4, 2017 by UCSA

C A N TA I S S U E

F O U R

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3 R D

A P R I L

2 0 1 7

CANTA DOES DRUGS*

*... JUST NOT LIKE THAT

UC STUDENTS TALK ABOUT WEED

HOW TO: NOT GET KICKED OUT OF THE FOUNDRY

in this issue 11

HOW TO : NOT G ET K ICK E D OUT O F THE FOU NDRY

INVE STIG ATIVE FE ATU RE : U NI PARK IN G

FL AT FAM OUS: THE U RIN AL

POINT/COUNTE R POINT: WE E D

FIVE ANON WO ME N TALK ABOUT: DRE SS CODE S O N C AMPUS

LUCK Y DIP Editor’s note

because IT’S WHAT ADULTS DO, OKAY?

Kia ora! Issue four of CANTA for 2017 reporting here for duty.

Do me a favour; if you don’t have it already, get insurance. Protect yo’ ass! Read about the Lochee flat in News. Talk about a close call.

We have Graduation happening next week. Congrats to all the grads who are OUT OF HERE – you’ve done it. You are free. The curse is broken!

That’s enough not your Dad

Now go out there and land the perfect job and drink more water and wear a turtleneck and sensibly chuckle to Mrs Brown’s Boys and use a slow cooker and save all your wages to buy a house

from me. I’m (I don’t think).

See you in May. Enjoy your holidays. - Joshua

Letters to the Editor E m a i l l e t t e r s @ c a n t a . c o . n z | < 1 0 0 w o r d s | $ 2 5 U B S v o u c h e r f o r L e t t e r o f t h e We e k !

MYSTERIOUS FURRY Dear CANTA, I almost snorted my bowl of breakfast cereal this morning as well as some Monster Energy Drink after reading about your column on the Furry Fandom, and the mysterious Furry who is on campus. Seriously though, there are furries at UC, so why doesn’t FurSoc exist. Sincerely, Zhandry (The Red Panda) Hey there Zhandry, I’ve reached out to the original poster for comment but alas it was submitted anonymously. I even posted on the UCSA Noticeboard to try contact them! I think you should start FurSoc. We’ll chuck your first event in Club Promoter for you :) CANTA: totally inclusive since... January, basically. -CANTA

from those who truly know and understand The Wiggles as I do. Sam was adequately punished for his sins. Now we have this Emma THING plaguing our screens. Women are fine. Women are great. Today’s International Women’s Day. Some of my best friends are women. We have the best women. But the yellow Wiggle is Greg. Not Emma, not Sam, not Keanu Reeves, nobody else. I call upon Canta and the entire student body to rise against Emma and put this imposter in her place bound and gagged in the trunk of the Big Red Car. -Anon I feel like this was written by an 8yo on a week’s worth of Ritalin. PS - don’t do drugs. See page 7 - CANTA

UBS LETTER OF THE WEEK!!

while crapping your pants you’ll get hit by someone reversing. It’s not rocket science, it’s basic wayfinding. Sincerely, Frazer Hey Frazer, UC responded for you below: “It’s understandable wanting to reach any destination by the shortest possible route, which in this case, involves crossing the Law car park. There’s no easy answer here. To be used, a safe pedestrian path would need to follow the shortest route, which would be quite disruptive. Not many car parks have pedestrian routes through them. Just as footpaths are for pedestrians, car parks are for cars. Pedestrians in car parks should keep a good eye out, just as you’d expect drivers to. Using the footpaths around the Law car park will add only minutes to your journey – and you have just been to the gym, after all. Longer term, the UC’s landscaping master plan does consider wayfinding around campus.” - UC COMMS

EMMA WIGGLE PLAGUES OUR SCREENS Hi Canta, So yeah hey look we have a monumental issue facing our planet at the moment. If any of you are as devout followers of The Wiggles as I am, you’ll realise a heathenistic entity hath descended upon this earth. Let’s make one thing really damn clear as cold spaghetti. The yellow Wiggle is Greg. The yellow Wiggle will always be Greg. The yellow-jerseyed being that drives the Big Red Car is Greg. The mighty singer and magician of the alt-indie-pop band The Wiggles is Greg. The mighty overlord of the Ottoman Empire, conqueror of Constantinople and defeater of the black plague is Greg. Sam gave it his best shot but was pushed back by the tide of rebellion

POOR URBAN PLANNING ON CAMPUS – WHO’S CONSULTING THIS SHIT? Dear CANTA, With all the recent works that are going on around campus I can’t help but feel some glaringly obvious urban planning norms have been totally ignored. Take one example; coming back from the gym. The final part of any workout is traversing the law car park. Someone decided that footpaths are entirely unnecessary in car parks and pedestrians should fend for themselves. The result is a mix between cross country and dodge ball; jumping through hedges, sliding between cars and all the

BREAKING NEWS: STUDENT HATES EVERYTHING Dear CANTA, I am a student who has only recently been exposed to your magazine. I love everything about it, except for one thing, the Happy Ending page. First of all, the Memory Lame, is LAME, not even close to funny. Perhaps, you could find some content that the younger generation can actually relate to. The Sudoku is impossible to do, and what’s more there are no answers!!!! It is a joy of mine to feel like I’ve accomplished something, even if I did only copy the answers. At lastly, the colouringin section is a waste of ink. I like my art to be colourful, and on a student budget, the only colours I can afford

are my black and blue ballpoint pens, which I must add, is not art, therefore there is little point of its existence. Slightly annoyed. Hi Slightly Annoyed, Thanks for your letter to CANTA. Our recent reader survey had Happy Ending rating well with students. You bring up good points though; especially the Sudoku answers. Also I kinda want to give you some felt tip pens or something.... complaining about colouring in makes me super sad. I found some in the office but they’re chewed up and some have Greg’s earwax on them. They’re in a package at the front desk for you. I appreciate your feedback - I mean that! CANTA is in a state of evolution, and I will take this all on board. I’m not gunna lie - this cuts me deep though. I need some time out. Best regards, Joshua - Editor

BLEACH SHOWERS AND DOUBLE BROWNS Canta, I’d just like to commend you for how you’re handling things this year. Last year I hardly read the Canta because I was always put off by how sexist and rude it came across, but after reading both your response and article regarding the indecent exposure incident, I feel like you’re concerned with all the students on campus, not just the double brown drinking lads. I no longer feel the need to shower in bleach after reading your articles, and I would like to say thanks for that. The chemical burns were starting to hurt. Sincerely, Respect Earned

Thanks for your letter, Respect Earned. Please feel free to stop bleaching yourself and if you ever feel like you need to again, get in touch. I like to be kept in check :) -CANTA

“New Zealand has one of the most affordable, accessible, efficient, high quality University systems in the world. Personally, I support universal, free, quality, research informed higher education and reasonable publicly funded living allowances for all students who are likely to succeed at University. Students who fail should repay the public contribution to their education. Rod” - Dr Rod Carr

‘UC: THE SPECTRE HAUNTING’ IN THEATRES NOW! CANTA, A spectre is haunting this university, and that spectre is rising tuition fees. All the powers of the University have joined in holy alliance to welcome this spectre, exploiting we proletariat Students in more and more debt, funding the bourgeois brunches and decadent dinners of the Staff. At the helm of this exploitation is the Vice-Capitalist Rod Carr. We Students must seize the means of education to overthrow our corrupt oppressors. The Students have nothing to lose but their debts. They have a university to win. Diligent students of all disciplines, Unite! Yours in ire, Stuart Student

CANTA: MAKING THINGS SLIGHTLY LESS SHIT SINCE 1930 Dear Canta, Wow, sending letters really gets results – thanks for getting the UCSA to sort the ‘temporarily’ out-of-order door sign with an uglier (but more accurate) replacement. If only my other problems were as easily solvable. Sincerely, Grumpy-doors

Hi Stuart, Where are these ‘bourgeois brunches and decadent dinners’?! Are we being left off the list? IS CANTA NOT INVITED? Next time I order deep fried camembert from The Burg I’m not sharing them with my colleagues. Actually I never do anyway. Wait, what was the question again? Isn’t this the start of Goblet Of Fire? CANTA reached out to The Vice Chancellor’s office for comment, and Dr Carr had this to say:

WORK & TRAVEL

WWW.IEP.CO.NZ | 0800 443 769

AMERICA 12 MONTH WORK VISA

LOCAL news UC A LU M N I WIN S IX TH CO NS ECUTIVE N Z 8 0 0 M TITLE S

ew Zealand Olympian Angie Petty won her sixth consecutive national 800m title in Hamilton on Saturday. The 25-year-old Cantabrian runner edged rival Katherine Camp in a close final, winning with a time of 2min 3.35sec at the national track and field championships at Porritt Stadium. Camp pushed Petty all the way down the home stretch and just finished 0.19sec behind.

C A FE REO – N AU M A I , H A E RE M A I!

id you know UC has a dedicated space where staff and students can practice their conversational ability in Te Reo Māori? Cafe Reo is an Aotahi initiative to

Petty, who ran at the Rio Olympics last year, is still hoping to qualify for the world championships in London in August but needs to beat the IAAF’s A standard of 2min 0.5sec before July 23. In the men’s 800m event, Canterbury’s Brad Mathas replicated Petty’s achievement for his sixth consecutive national title. The 23-year-old streaked clear on the final stretch to win with 1min 50.66sec ahead of Michael Dawson and Eric Speakman, who finished second and third respectively. Dawson’s time of 1min 51.71s was a personal best in his debut season in the senior ranks.

help normalise the use of Māori on campus. Café Reo happens on Tuesdays at 2pm and you can join in with everyone in 2pm in the foyer of the Te Ao Mārama building. It’s an invitation to “eat, drink, laugh, talk and listen.” – Sweet!

MAD TALENT FROM FINE ARTS

ine Arts is a degree at UC that doesn’t get remotely anywhere near as much appreciation as it should get. One thing comes to mind when I think of Fine Arts; Mad talent! Sophie Ballantyne is one of these talented students UC hosts, and she has definitely made a name for herself entering the second year of her degree. Majoring in Painting, Sophie decided to make a Red Bubble profile to showcase some of her mad talent, with a little push from partner Ethan. Witnessing some of Sophie’s work, I’ve seen the long journey that is creating a piece of art at a high standard which is suitable to put on an item of clothing, laptop cases, mugs and posters. Each piece of work has up to ten hours of work put in, and each item on her site is hand drawn and spiced up with a little bit of love! If you enjoy all things sass, cute animals, and some cute-sie quotes, Sophie’s art work is definitely something you will want to check out. There’s a gift suitable for everyone, and everything is absolutely ADORABLE and totally timeless. Get amongst it at redbubble.com/ people/ballantynero! By Wajd El-Matary

LOCHEE GOT LIT

ou might have seen the post on the UCSA Noticeboard about the Lochee St fire. An entire flat of UC students lost everything, including their house.

The eight guys living at Lochee St are safe and sound, but this is not the first time a UC flat has been claimed by fire. Get up and check your smoke alarms now.

Did you know that landlords are legally obligated to provide your smoke alarms? Make sure these are in the lounge, the hallways and bedrooms. Don’t put them in a kitchen, bathroom or above a fire. Make sure these are checked these monthly. If a smoke alarm goes off and there is a legit fire: get out of your flat, and stay out of your flat. Remember this: Get Down, Get Low, Get Out. If you don’t have rental insurance, get it. Keep it updated. It’s as little as $10 a week and is as easy as calling your bank, right now. This protects you as a tenant in worst case scenarios, and means you won’t be saddled with the costs of house rebuilds or repairs. It also can cover your contents, and with some policies will replace the actual value of what you paid for the items. Plan for the worst: how would you escape if there was a fire? One of the Lochee boys had to jump from a second story window into a pool. Work out ways your entire flat can safely leave in different situations, and how to check if everyone is out.

LOCHEE SPEAKS Okay so how did the fire start? The fire supposedly started in one of the boy’s rooms from an electrical fault. Sheesh, ok. Scary. So what happens now for you guys? From now, we’re just doing the best we can to get our lives back on track! We’ve found a flat, some friends and clubs have been amazing by offering clothing, others have donated old mattresses and food and we’re really just stoked for the support. We’ve started a give-a-little page to try and raise some money to cover the massive costs that are coming up, but we’ll just keep cooking through! As a flat, were you prepared for this kind of thing to happen? We weren’t hugely prepared, with minimal contents insurance in the flat. Luckily we had an evacuation plan in place with the pool outside, and we’ve all been intensively drilled with the correct procedure to escape off the balcony, with 10/10 form I might add.

Simpler times at Lochee.

Lochee post-fire.

So now you’ve been through something like this, what’s your advice to CANTA readers? We would highly recommend people keeping their smoke alarms in like we did. Having the odd Winny Blue inside or the occasional hit of the devil’s lettuce isn’t worth the mate’s safety, and without the alarm the boys would be crispier than a snag at an Ensoc BBQ. More than anything, get contents insurance. Everything each of us had to our name is gone, and most of us aren’t getting any compensation for it. It really is an awesome safety net, and if the circumstances were different and somehow we were liable, we’d be stuck with a mortgage, so look out or your mates and stay fire-wise. Also remember to slip slop slap and wrap as the NZ ozone isn’t doing us any favours either! Also while we’re at it, a friendly reminder from your local hero and national icon, Jimmy Whitmore: - always get your 5+ a day - consent is everything - have a glass of water with every 2 beers you drink - keep it classy!

CANTA does drugs* * Canta ...Just not like that *...just CANTA keeps it real. We know there’s a high (lol) probability you’re going to cross paths with drugs, or attempt drugs, or maybe even be on drugs while you read this.

Drug offences It is an offence under the Misuse of Drugs Act 1975 to use, possess, cultivate or traffic (deal) in illegal drugs.

We don’t advocate illegal drug use whatsoever, but we can at least make sure you know what you’re up for, and how to keep safe and be responsible.

Use Use includes smoking, inhaling fumes, injecting and ingesting or otherwise introducing a drug of dependence into a person’s body (including another person’s body).

Firstly, here’s the lowdown on drugs and the ramifications you could face. What to do if police want to search you? What does “possession” actually mean? What about if you’re growing? Here is how drugs are classed in New Zealand: Class A (very high risk): - methamphetamine - magic mushrooms - cocaine - heroin - LSD (Acid) Class B (high risk): - cannabis oil - morphine - amphetamine-type substances

- hashish - opium - ecstasy

Class C (moderate risk): - cannabis seed - cannabis plant - codeine Drugs classified by effect. Drugs can be classified by the effects they have on the human central nervous system. Depressants - cannabis - heroin and opiates - alcohol Hallucinogens - LSD Stimulants - methamphetamines - party pills

- benzodiazepines - inhalants and solvents

- ecstasy

- cocaine

Possession This means having control or custody of a drug. Knowledge of such possession must be proven in court. Possession applies to both drugs found on a person or on their property, if it is proven that the drugs belong to that person. Police searches Police can search you, your bag or vehicle: - if you let them - or they arrest you - or they have a search warrant - or they have ‘reasonable grounds’ for believing that you have drugs or there are drugs at the place you’re at.

Police must tell you if they are searching under the Misuse of Drugs Act. - ‘Reasonable grounds’ are things like smelling or seeing drugs on you, seeing you using drugs or seeing you behaving as if stoned. - Usually only a policewoman can search you if you are female. - Police can only search inside your mouth if you agree. - You can only be searched internally (and only by a medical practitioner) if you have been arrested and Police have reasonable grounds to believe you have drugs within your body.

Keeping you and your mate safe: Make sure you know what you’re taking. We don’t want you to do drugs, but at the least know what you’re putting in your body!

Hydrate yo self too! Drink water – but not too much. Stick to a glass an hour. Does someone sober know what you’re up to? If not, now’s the time to enlist a mate. Think of it as a sober driver, without any driving. When you’re with your mates, stick with them. Don’t let them wander off. Drugs, particularly hallucinogens can turn on you if you’re alone. That’s dangerous. Have a back-up plan too – yeah yeah, someone’s gotta be the mum for the night. Make sure you have a plan on how you and your friends will get home – keep aside money for bus fares or a taxi, or walk home together. Have a ‘worst case scenario’ for a meeting point at the end of the night. Finally – don’t mess around. If someone collapses and is unconscious, call 111 immediately and ask for an ambulance. By Joshua Brosnahan

Right here on campus STUDENT DISCOUNT* PRESCRIPTIONS MEDICINES POSTAL SERVICES PLUS MORE...

Phone/Fax 03 364 2215 Location Undercroft, Puaka-James Hight Building Open Monday to Thursday, 8.30am - 5.30pm Friday 9.00am - 5.30pm

club promoter Profiling the best clubs and events on campus

C AT H S O C UC Catholic Society What makes you different from other religions clubs? Other than being far smaller, lonelier and more desperate than the other clubs, we also represent the Catholic community on Campus. Contrary to popular belief, we do actually exist as a club, just one without a set design budget or budget whatsoever. We do however host many different events, including daily Mass and Free Food, thanks to the Catholic Tertiary Chaplaincy.

What do you offer students? We have an open and active community of Faith for Students, both Catholic and those just interested in a good yarn. Thanks to our treasurer, we also offer sass on tap, there are also regular discussions on cheese and linguistics. We also provide students with a platform for in depth theological discussion. What do you stand for? C - Catholics A - Are T - Together H - Hoping S - Someone else O - Orders C - Chinese Takeaways But really, three words sum up our vision: Community, Formation and Outreach.

What is your stance/opinion on Trump’s policies? We represent on campus a religion of 1.2 billion people from all walks of life from all over the world. In any institution this large, you will encounter a wide variety of opinions on most issues, so while members of our group have their own opinions on this issue we have no official stance on this issue. “A person who thinks only about building walls, wherever they may be, and not building bridges, is not Christian.” - Pope Francis What events do you hold? - Cooked Breakfasts on Mondays - Mass and Lunch 11am Tuesday to Friday - Young adults formation group, Wednesdays 7pm - BBQ’s, Fish and Chips and more... (but probably not)

Between the 130+ clubs, random UC and UCSA events, and firm recrutiment events (thanks Robyn Cummins) there is a lot of pizza lying around!

FREE FOOD SOC Literally free food... They said there’s no such thing as a free lunch. They were wrong. UC Free Food Soc is a (non-affiliated)

club on campus that exists for the sole purpose of providing students’ free food. We were founded last year by two dudes who realised that there were a lot of events held each week at uni that involved free food.

However, the problem is that often the event marketing is not great, so students have no idea what’s even on. What Free Food Soc does is link these events with the hungry demand of the students. It’s a win-win. Clubs get more people to their events and students get a free lunch! Please give us a like on Facey www.facebook.com/freefoodsoc/

10 can be summed up in this statement: At Student Life we want to connect people to Jesus and each other.

STUDENT LIFE CANTERBURY What makes you different from other religious clubs? At Student Life we believe that Jesus provides the answers to those questions. We believe that knowing Jesus personally will completely change your life. Forever. We’re not a church. We’re not a club for “good people”. We are simply a group of students who believe the words Jesus Christ spoke 2000 years ago. Our primary purpose as a club

ENTRE Kia Ora and welcome to entré for 2017! We are absolutely stoked to be back for another year, offering students the opportunity to participate and engage in events, competitions and workshops to expand their entrepreneurial skills! Here at entré we are not your regular social club around campus, we offer something to everyone regardless of their background, age or discipline.

What do you offer students? Firstly, a personal and intimate relationship with their creator. Secondly, an awesome community of uni students where you’ll be welcomed as family no matter what you believe. Looking for a friend? You’ll find one here. What do you stand for? We stand for the belief that Jesus Christ transforms the life of the student and the world around them for good. What is your stance/opinion on Trump’s policies? No matter who is president, Jesus is king. What events do you hold? Wellbeing Talk Series: A new initiative for 2017, we are branching out as a club with a desire to serve students

not just spiritually, but materially too. We’ll be sourcing high quality speakers throughout the year to come and give talks on mental health and wellbeing. Expect to hear talks on depression, grief, community, relationships, and more! HOF: Hour of Faith happens every Tuesday and Thursday lunch times. Our goal is to create space for UC students to have spiritual conversations on campus. Action Groups: Once a week we get together in small groups and open the Bible together. Our aim is to build friendships and community as we examine together the claims of Jesus and what he had to say about life. We have heaps of other events and fun activities. Like our Facebook page to find out more! facebook.com/canterburystudentlife

Entré is a company, run by students, for students, with the purpose of fostering entrepreneurial spirit at the University of Canterbury and Ara Institute of Technology. We have 1000+ student members and boast a 14 strong executive team who continue to do their utmost to inspire and encourage students to achieve the impossible and turn their dreams into reality. So if you are someone with an innovative enterprising mind, do check out what entré has to offer, as there may just be something to help you ignite your next big business venture. Go follow us on Facebook, Instagram and Snapchat to look out for our upcoming workshops, events and competitions. The 85K Challenge is coming up soon so keep an eye out for more information to ignite your idea! Facebook: facebook.com/entre.at.uc/ Instagram: entre.uc Snapchat: entreuc

UC PGSA BBQ #2 When: 6 April. 4 – 7pm Where: University of Canterbury Club, Ilam, Homestead Gardens For more details: Search UCPGSA on Facebook

Submit your club to be featured in CANTA | < 300 WORDS | 3x PICS |canta.editor@gmail.com

my u r er? ub plz

How to: NOT GET KICKED OUT OF THE FOUNDRY

he Foundry really is an iconic institution on campus. It’s evolved with the times and rolled with the seismic punches, and currently stands as a pretty solid venue for gigs and for a beer or three post lectures. If you haven’t experienced it, you need to at least once in your university life. Sure, it’s not for everyone, but it’s more than just a bar. They host sporting events, club activities and even church on Sunday. That my friends, is versatility! For those of you who are well versed with The Foundry and its charm, you’ve no doubt seen a fair few people get biffed out. Week after week, it’s almost the norm. There’s always someone trying to convince a bouncer they are sweet, or there’s some kind of Illuminati level conspiracy behind their expulsion. Long story short: you is drunk.

Here’s how to maximize your time in The Foundry, and not be left in the carpark crying over your cracked phone screen and lost ID. You know it’ll be on the UCSA Noticeboard tomorrow. Chill.

CANTA talked to Toby, the boss of everything over at The Foundry about the best way to last the night at his fine establishment. CANTA: What are your tips on being a good patron of The Foundry? TOBY: Come to have fun! We are here to provide a safe venue, for all to enjoy. Having a bunch of cans prior only reduces your chance of getting and staying in. Come earlier, get to know the team, have some food (its super tasty) and ease into it. CANTA CHECKLIST: DON’T PRELOAD. EAT DELICIOUS THINGS. tick C: Right, got it. So what are the telltale signs that someone’s on the right track to being turfed out? T: The Foundry team and security all monitor everyone so that we keep within the rules of our liquor license as we want to keep the bar open for everyone. If we have a chat to you, respect that. It’s usually just a chance to check yourself. If you ignore that or are rude, chances are, it’ll be home time soon.

monitor people and then decide. Snap decisions are rare, but always well justified. Arguing will only make things worse. If you get asked to leave, please just accept it and go home. You are always welcome back the next day. If you hang about and argue, you might not be. CANTA CHECKLIST: ACCEPT THE INEVITABLE OR BE BANISHED FOR ETERNITY tick C: What do you expect from people’s mates when they’re too drunk? T: Look after your mates. You’d only want to be looked after yourself. Walk ‘em home. We will let you back in. Make sure your mates drink plenty of water and eat some food. Check on them, or make sure there’s someone who can keep an eye on them. CANTA CHECKLIST: BE A GC tick C: Any funny stories spring to mind? T: Too many, but trying to pay with your driver’s license isn’t going to get you served.

CANTA CHECKLIST: RESPECT THE CHAT OR YOU’RE ON THE BUS. tick

CANTA CHECKLIST: LEARNERS LICENCE WILL ALWAYS DECLINE tick

C: Okay sweet. But what if I’m legitimately not drunk? Is there any point trying to reason with security?

By Joshua Brosnahan

T: No! Once we make a call its 99.9% correct and we won’t change a decision. As I said before, we

How to: SURVIVE YOUR FIRST YEAR OF FLATTING

latting is a tricky sitch. I’ve written up (you’re welcome) five tips on how to make your first year of flatting easy peasy!

5. Set a roster. STAT. Even if you live with people who like to insist they’re not picky and don’t mind the house being a mess, they probably mind a little bit. Create an alternating roster, write it up somewhere visible. So when Lucy forgets to take the rubbish out for the week you have a flat member you can roast until the job gets done. Easy! 4. Get some tolerance into yo system! Pick and choose your battles. If you want the channel on Bravo but Jim insists on TV3 don’t kick up a fuss about it. Life is too short to argue about silly things, bad blood between flatmates is ten times more awkward than regular friends because they’re around literally all the time.

3. Do your part! No one likes to do the dishes, or scrub the toilet, or vacuum. Those aren’t enjoyable things to do. But something you can do to get over the nuisance that is chores? Look at it on the grand scale of a whole year of tenancy! How long does it take to clean up after yourself in comparison to the amount of time you spend on the couch? 2. Care about one another. Something that tends to rip friendships apart is a lack of communication. Just like a relationship, a flat bond should be something that flourishes into a beautiful flower! You need to put in time and effort and make sure you’re driving down a two way street. Simple things include letting your flatties know when your friends are coming round, trying not to cause too much havoc around exam time, and being considerate. People like to respect people who respect them, so make sure you keep them in the loop with what the happs is. 1. Have a sh*tload of fun! What’s the point of flatting if you don’t enjoy the whole journey? Our time in university is a time we gotta make the most of! Adulthood ain’t got nothing on all the good times you’ll have during the duration of your degree. Pick a day a fortnight to hang out and do something fun between you. Focus on the good

things in the flat and you’ll have a bunch of happy flatties you’re stoked to live with all the way through to the end of your degree, as well as some lifelong friends! By Wajd El-Matary

C A NTA w e l co m e s Wa j d a s o u r n e w d e p u t y e d i t o r!

FLAT TIPS FROM YOUR EDITOR – Don’t have sex with your flatmates. Ever. Nope. – If someone cooks all their lunches on a Sunday and freezes them, make them move out. Trust me, they’re annoying. – Keep a flat eftpos card on the fridge, and keep the flat finances transparent. – Wear clothes when you exit your room, even in the middle of the night. Learn from my traumatic mistake. No further comment. – Someone won’t pull their weight in the flat. You may as well make the most of it by ensuring it’s you.

CANTA INVESTIGATES: PARKING PERMITS A COST DROP FOR A LICENSE TO HUNT

C has dropped the price of campus parking, annoying some students who were quick to buy a permit at the start of term.

The University of Canterbury (UC) raised the annual cost of a parking permit for students this year from $304 to $350, and plans to lift the cost a further 15 percent each year until 2019.

Information about the sinking price was not widely publicised, but there was “full documentation of this at the point of sale”, he said. Monthly and quarterly permits were introduced for the first time this year, along with a cost decrease week by week for monthly permits.

So far 2540 total student and staff permits have been issued, but some students say they would not have bought their permits early if they had known the university would drop the price $58 to $292 on March 1. A university spokesman said the price drop accounted for the fact that two months had passed, but it came less than two weeks into the first term. Psychology student Lily Hibbert-Schooner said the university should have let people know about the price drop in advance. “If I knew it was cheaper I would’ve waited.” Law student Jack Philip said the price drop was “pretty sneaky”. Media and Communication/Cinema Studies student Sophie Doull was surprised the university had lowered the cost of parking after most people had already bought a permit. UCSA president James Addington said it was good to see UC splitting up the cost of permits, but added they “should be doing a better job of communicating it”. A UC spokesman said the university had always had a varied pricing structure, with a lower permit price as each month passes.

Parking is an issue for some at UC, especially as new twohour capped parking zones on streets surrounding the main campus have made it difficult to find parks offsite. Addington said students were divided over parking, however, as those who commuted by bus, bike or on foot did not support subsidising parking permits through their course fees. By Sarah Jadallah

WHAT STUDENTS HAD TO SAY: “If you live within 10-20 minutes walking distance, you should just walk.”

“Need to be at uni at least 20 minutes earlier to get a spot”

“I don’t really factor it in, I just hope [to find a carpark]”

“I think it’s reasonable as it’s about a $1 a day”

Photos by Sarah Jadallah

Sophie Doull, 4th year Media & Coms, Cinema studies student

Sina Yazdi, PhD student Mechanical Engineering

FRANK’S ALTERNATIVE OPTION Forget parking stress. We’re clearly living in the future. Fangshuo ‘Frank’ Yu has got you covered! CANTA talked to the dude with the sweetest ride on campus. Terrifyingly marketed as a ‘Personal Transport Robot’, the initial cost would pretty much pay itself over the course of your degree. Maybe it’s not the craziest idea?

Frank, what is this thing you’re riding?! It’s called Ninebot One A1. Ninebot is a company that produced a series of electric portable balancing scooters back in China. The ‘One’ means it only has one wheel and Ninebot One A1 is the most portable model at this stage.

Jack Philip, 3rd year Law student

learner license, and started seeking a decent car… however, after I found out how bad the parking situation is on campus, I decided to just stick with my Ninebot. What’s the reaction around campus when you’re on it? Whoa! Cool! They often seem pretty curious and stare at it, but only a few people come and ask things like “What is this?” and “Where did you get it?”. But there was also a situation where I was invited to have a race! What are the limitations of a Ninebot? At the stage I believe is the battery life. I live in Ilam so it’s pretty close to the university, but one charge can only last for one day. However, the design from ninebot actually enables two batteries to be installed into the side of it. Currently I only have one battery installed, so there’s plenty improvements space in the future.

Did you decide to get a Ninebot because parking was so crazy on campus?

Can we deliver CANTA with a Ninebot?

Actually, I didn’t even have my driver’s license when I purchased it. Just few days before I got my

Aha! Yes of course! Just don’t carry over 100kg CANTA with that as it does have a weight limit of 100kg (lol)!

Jacinta Lu, 4th year Accounting student

… Well that counts me out for using one! Email Frank if you want a Ninebot… think about it, it’s not exactly the worst idea. fangshuoyu@outlook.com

This is not a dildo...

Well if you thought the naming of flats couldn’t get any worse... CANTA presents: The Urinal.

FLAT FAMOUS WAIT – sorry, they have a logo.

Photography by Sara Qasem Aldaqqa @sezzy.q

“Our all-male flat has a functioning urinal. A goddamn, fully-functioning, semi-piss-stained urinal. We started this flat with the best of intentions. Our original rules were: -No partying -Only social drinking -No being loud at night - Up every Sunday, dressed nicely at exactly 7:30 a.m. for a healthy, holy, spiritual breakfast with kombucha. We saw the error of our ways. All it took was one, sweet taste of two-year-old goon and a fuck ton of hidden sexual tension in the flat. We realised that the lives we lived previously were empty and meaningless. Through the power of

STAT101 and first-year philosophy courses, we founded THE URINAL. Our flat anthems are the song our foreign washing machine makes when it’s finished, and the masterpiece ‘My Neck, My Back’ by Khia. We constantly freak out about failing our degrees, but in reality, we’re those annoying pricks that you know that constantly get good grades, even though we do everything last minute and we’re constantly passed out or hungover”.

crises and his random sleep-shouting that keeps us awake at night. There’s not a week that goes by where he doesn’t cry about his weekly lab reports.

Presenting the urinal cakes of THE URINAL:

Robert: Sneaked his way into PhysSoc and pretends he knows stuff about Physics, yet barely passed year 11 Physics. Only uses Apple products and wears striped long-sleeve shirts. If he could, he would move into a

Alex: President of PhysSoc. He adds pizazz to the flat with his existential

Callum: He’s the womanizer of the flat: bringing home gals (and a few cheeky lads) every damn week with his extensive knowledge of quadratic probing. Is constantly nagged by his previous sugar daddies. Christened the urinal.

nudist flat, and start a nudist club at uni. Tom: Donald Trump supporter. Spades all the girls with his Czech accent and European charm. Is a black market Class A tea dealer and drinks as much tea as all of Sri Lanka. Sri Lanka’s main importer of tea to New Zealand. Jakob: Random German guy we picked off the street that we hardly know. Asked a bartender once for MDMA at Topkapi and was shocked that he got kicked out. Swears that he didn’t punch a hole in a wall at some random guy’s party. Sleeps all the goddamn time.

THE URINAL won a Mega 5 which feeds six flatties for five nights, thanks to Bargain Box! Suss your flat for less than $30pp a week.You can enter the unique code ‘UC’ to get $10 off.

Suss your flat for under $30 each per week! Tasty recipes and fresh ingredients delivered to your place. Ready in around 30 minutes. Check out bargainbox.co.nz for more information.

POINT / COUNTE

ANTI-LEGALISATION

hen it comes to marijuana, the “War on Drugs” has been a failure. By being illegal it has stifled research into new treatments for chronic illness and pain. With cultivation and use illegal, users and dealers alike face criminal consequences. Treating marijuana as a criminal issue, rather than a social one has been a failure. Any marijuana reform needs to reduce harms to society as a whole and ensure that its benefits as a medicine are used to their full potential. The rights of medical users and recreational users should be weighed separately, and public health should be placed above commercial interests. Funding of Cannabis based medicines through Pharmac and Decriminalisation of recreational use are methods to solve these separate issues. Keeping Marijuana illegal is costly to the tax-payer and cause harms to users which are not associated with the drug itself. These include, contact with criminal organisations, criminal conviction, loss of employment and restriction of travel. Legalisation means that we would allow the growth of a commercial marijuana industry. If we want to save tax-payer money and still mitigate harms associated with Marijuana, making it legal is not the best option. Since legalising Marijuana in 2012 Colorado has reported an increase in the total number of adult users and the average frequency of use. It’ s not surprising, their industry is regulated like alcohol, with businesses competing to make more attractive consumer products in an effort to gain market share. Marijuana may not become a problem for most, but there is a risk of dependence or mental health issues for some people. There are social harms for non-users as well, its impact on driver safety is one that the NZTA is already trying to mitigate. A legal commercial industry in New Zealand would likely lead to a similar increase in use and potential to cause harm. Legalising Marijuana would lead to the development of a well organised industry. Marijuana is popular because it provides dopamine, and serves a similar consumer desire as the legal vices; alcohol, tobacco and gambling. These industries have formed powerful lobbies which act in their own best interests. The effort to control harm caused by these industries has been a decade’ s long fight by community and social groups to control their availability and advertising. No one knows how the increase in THC consumption will impact the health of Colorado State in the long-run, but Industry lobby groups have already fought to keep excise tax low. Any future Marijuana legislation which seeks to improve public health will be made in opposition to a billion dollar industry which is motivated primarily by profits, that is a long-term structural problem for Colorado policy makers. Legalisation in Colorado did see a net increase in tax revenues, but not from Marijuana sales. Regulating the industry has its own costs, legal weed has ‘ paid its own way’ in terms of tax take. The largest savings have come from the money not spent convicting people. Visions of government coffers overloaded from a lucrative pot industry are unlikely.

The Alternative to legalising marijuana, would be to decriminalise it. Decriminalising the use and possession of marijuana would save the cost of convictions and, if small scale cultivation for personal use was included, it would end the current monopoly held by gangs. This would make access safer for users. Decriminalisation could come in many forms but it would always stop the growth of a corporate industry. Cannabis produces a variety of unique cannabinoids, many of which are not psychoactive, these cannabinoids are what offer medical value to patients. When medical Marijuana was legalised in 1996 California it came in the form of smoke-able buds or edible foods sold in dispensaries. In it’ s raw form, marijuana is problematic for doctors. The amount and ratio of cannabinoids produced by the plant can vary greatly. Different strains may produce different cannabinoid profiles, but it’ s not possible to have industry standards. Differences in growing environment, time of harvest and even age of the product all impact what gets consumed by the end user. Even then it’ s not possible to isolate what is and is not useful. The cannabinoids which help epilepsy are not necessarily the same cannabinoids which help with chronic pain. In the 20 years since California first legalised medical marijuana the technology has moved on. There are now pharmaceutical medicines which can provide measured doses of Cannabinoids giving doctors a lot more confidence in their ability to advise treatment. By funding them through Pharmac it is possible to make products like Sativex affordable to those who need it. For the highest possible treatment for patients, doctors need to be able to prescribe specific cannabinoids in doses appropriate to that patient’ s needs. We should prioritise pharmaceutical medicines prescribed by doctors as they can offer reliability of care in a way that raw marijuana and dispensaries can’ t. Whether or not marijuana remains illegal recreationally should be considered separately from medical reform. If we choose end criminalisation, then decriminalisation is a better option as it would mean that the future of recreational marijuana would be controlled by the users themselves. When it comes to medicinal marijuana, medicines refined in a lab and prescribed by doctors is the highest level of care, and with funding those products could be made affordable to people who need it. California first legalised Medical Cannabis in 1996, the recent wave of states legalising and decriminalising Marijuana at the 2016 American elections came after a two decade long process of change. When enacting our own reform we should take the time to manage marijuana’s impact on society, and ensure that its benefits as a medicine are used to their full potential.

ER POINT : WEED FOR LEGALISATION

ecriminalisation would mean that people could get away with possessing small amounts of Cannabis and growing a small number of plants for personal use. However it would still remain illegal to buy and sell Cannabis, or to produce mass amounts of it. This article seeks to address some of the key issues surrounding prohibition in order to assess the best way forward for New Zealand Cannabis laws. Legalisation vs decriminalisation The main problem of decriminalization is failing to address organized crime. When there’s high demand for a product, supply inevitably appears. Prohibition undeniably strengthens organized crime. Cannabis is currently a major income generator for gangs and drug cartels, used for buying weapons and other drugs. Disputes over the product cannot be resolved in court, so are frequently resolved with violence. South America’s case has been particularly gruesome. Many lives have been lost to drug wars. During alcohol prohibition in the 1920s, organised crime similarly exploited it for money. The end of prohibition, and resulting proliferation of supply, ultimately crippled the criminal market. Problems persist but people are no longer murdered over black market al cohol. If weed’s fully legalised, demand for black market Cannabis would disappear as with alcohol prohibition. Easy, convenient, safe access to a range of high quality products will always win over a risky black market tinny deal. When people can legally grow Cannabis but cannot buy it from a dispensary, decriminalisation would only fuel black markets. Non-users would be incentivized to grow and sell it. They would also gain protection over property crimes. Not everyone has the ability to grow their own weed, especially the sick, elderly and disabled. A darker aspect of prohibition is the potential exposure to harder drugs. Tinny houses operated by gangs likely sell other drugs such as P. Some offer free samples to get people hooked. Meth is often easier to get than weed. The medicinal argument for legalisation Cannabis is widely recognized by assorted medical associations around the world as having medical value. Over 200 illnesses respond favourably to Cannabis, and no directly attributed deaths. In the U.S, Cannabis is legal for medicinal use in 28 states, yet is still classed as a schedule 1 drug, defined as a dangerous substance that

has no medical value. In New Zealand, medical Cannabis is technically legal, but few people can access it, and fewer can afford the limited approved pharmaceutical products. When THC reacts with the cannabinoid receptors in the brain, our endocannabinoid system is ignited. This system maintains homeostasis, regulates our immune system, helps us to cope with stress, heal faster, and balances every interconnected system of the body and mind. Whether it’s recreational or not, the user is receiving medicinal benefits. In regulated, legal markets, weed bought is tested for potency and nature of the high. At a Cannabis dispensary you can get advice on which strain would be most suitable for you, and information on safe use. You can get strains that have low THC and high CBD levels. The product would also be in top quality condition. No more rip offs! And not just buds to smoke, but alternatives to smoking. Edibles, topical ointments, mouth sprays. People could also have access to safer smoking utensils such as vaporisers. Under decriminalisation, if the Cannabis industry was kept exclusively under the control of the pharmaceutical industry, there is potential for price gouging, as seen recently with other medicines. The pharmaceutical industry also has little incentive to conduct research into Cannabis, because the plant poses a threat to existing prescription medicines. Why invest in a plant that could hinder profits? We still don’t know all that there is to know about the many other chemical compounds found in Cannabis. However, many studies have shown that the natural form of the plant is still the safest and most effective method of treatment. Health benefits aside, recreational or medicinal, people ought to have the right to freedom of choice. The economic argument for legalisation Legalisation is the only way to fully remove market share from the criminal networks and place it into the hands of tax-paying business owners. Naturally we would expect an increase in use, although this is largely because our current estimates of Cannabis users are based on those willing to admit that they are using it illegally, which many won’t do. The economic potential for New Zealand is MASSIVE. Not just from tax revenue, but also the amount of money we save by no longer enforcing prohibition, judicial processing, incarceration, and opportunity losses to people with previous convictions. According to the recent Drug Harm Index, Police are spending about $90 million a year, with another $109m of costs in the courts and justice system. There are also new ways to use Cannabis that can generate further tax revenues, such as fine dining, weedinfused wine, even weed-themed resorts! Once Cannabis is legalised on an international level, it could also become a major export product, with award-winning NZ strains, like our wine industry.

Continue d n ex t p ag o n t h e e, d u d e .

POINT / COUNTER POINT : WEED cont. from previous page. Let’s take a quick look at Colorado: – Population: 5.4 million – Jobs created from Cannabis legalisation in 2015: 18,005 –Economic output from legalisation in 2015: $2.4 billion – Projected to grow by 11.3 percent per year through 2020 Conclusion We agree that prohibition needs to end. This argument has highlighted some key points about a free market system vs. a lessening of the penalties for possession and cultivation. Legalising Cannabis would eliminate the black market Medicinal Cannabis should be affordable and easily accessible. Cannabis remains most effective and safe in natural form. Competition will keep prices low, and quality high. Our economy can make massive gains from tax revenues and save millions of dollars from ending prohibition. The free market system opens up new and safer ways to enjoy Cannabis. There are more aspects to this argument that we could address, but we could only scratch the surface here. We want keep the conversation going, and we need you. Write to us, or write to your MPs. We are amidst a time of change, but how our laws are changed depends on what we do now.

CA NTA: bringing different minded people together since 1930. Cheers for your time Robert and Philly!

5 anonymous women Dress codes on campus “I have seen some absolutely atrocious outfits. Hopefully people will take the not-so-subtle hint.” “I am sick of looking at butts hanging out of shorts. Don’t do it at uni!” “Maybe no one tells them or lets them know that their ass is hanging out the bottom of their jean shorts?” “Maybe they think they have a perky butt?” *laughs* “But… it’s all squished and trying to escape!”

“There was a short skirt and no undies incident at one of the cafes.”

“Nah, I am all for the shorts/sweatpants/hoodies/jandles look. Uni is the one time when you can look like a slob in public and it’s semi-acceptable. I go for comfy but classy.” “I’m currently wearing sneakers and jeans so maybe I shouldn’t judge... No regrets!” “It also depends on what you’ve got on that day. Like, if it’s a day sitting in the library or office, whack on your comfiest clothes but if you’re presenting then you gotta dress to impress. You can bring a change of clothes if you don’t wanna sit around fancy.” “I reckon your outfit reflects your personality too, so rock it (except put your belly and bums away).”

“I’ve even seen the odd girl with her tits on full display. Like b**ch please. We all have them; we don’t need to see yours.” “I seriously don’t even understand what’s so exciting about boobs... I mean if you’re an infant then sure they’re great!”

“I feel that you’re going to get judged no matter what you wear. So set your own standard.”

“Dress for the weather and body type? That is good advice right?” “Dress for the weather for sure, yesterday someone was wearing a beanie and ski jacket but had tiny tiny shorts on…like, what???” “Guys really need to step outside of the box – Lynx is not a shower.” “Yeah, a good smelling guy goes a looooong way.” “So does wearing more than just beige chinos and a five panel hat!” “I’ve just had enough of seeing people dressed in shorts in the middle of winter. It should be illegal.” “…Or people come dressed in full on town attire at 10am, like full hair and makeup. Who has the time? Or the energy?”

“You’re at uni, not on the catwalk” “I reckon there should be a level of professionalism to what you wear at uni! Some people go to uni to find a husband so maybe that’s why!” *laughs*

“My only thing is, make sure it’s clean please.” “I agree, rock your personality through clothing but keep it PG! Also make sure it’s clean and weather appropriate…. emphasis on the clean” “I hated wearing the same thing as someone else at uni and sitting next to them in the library like “Hey, nice shirt.” *laughs* “It makes me cringe when I see freshers wearing matching outfits”

“I swear some guys wear the same kit as 8 year olds.” “I don’t know about you guys, but I love seeing people wearing their cultural clothing at uni... I see this guy that wears traditional monk clothing and I’m like, ‘Yassss flaunt it!’”

CANTA COLUMNS Submit your column to canta.editor@gmail.com some of what they said: ‘It reminds us to stop and think and look at things like the gender pay gap which remind us that our society is still rife with sexism’ - it’s easy to almost forget everyday occurring sexism because it’s ‘normal’ to us, so having occasions that make us notice it again is hugely important.

The F-word Episode 3 After celebrating International Women’s Day on the 8th of March, we asked our members in FemSoc why they think it’s an important day. Here’s

Casual Discrimination You wouldn’t discriminate, would you? You know better than to be racist, or be sexist, or be homophobic. Yeah sure you have the odd friend that hates Asians, or thinks women are sexual objects for men, but you know not to put up with their shit, and to put them in their place. Cause you’re better than that. Are you? You might say the odd ‘that’s gay’, or justify a guy flashing his family jewels around campus as a laugh. You’re just joking though, you don’t really mean it. Anyone would be stupid to think you were being serious.

Goodbye Arm & Leg

‘An excuse to wear my favourite red dress’ - although feminism believes that no one should need excuses to wear exactly what they want, this is still an especially good day to do this, and this year, we wore red in solidarity with the worldwide ‘Day without a woman’.

Serious or not, saying things along these lines is casual discrimination. No amount of laughing or kidding can justify the fact that you’ve discriminated an entire race, an entire sexuality, or an entire gender. Sure, this could be find around your mates, you’re having a laugh after all! But consider the people you don’t know: the friends of friends, the bystanders, the people you’re unknowingly making uncomfortable or discriminating—they all become deterred by the insults and salacious comments you make.

‘To celebrate how far we’ve come, and to consider what we can do to improve’ - and we should celebrate how far we’ve come, and remember to keep moving. So, International Women’s Day is a time to put on your favourite empowering clothes and celebrate the achievements of past feminists, while taking seriously our responsibility as feminists of the present. – Femsoc

your friends laugh, or to make yourself feel better, just realise that your discrimination could very well discriminate you from any potential opportunities in networking, career and study advancement, or anything else you’re interested in. This country is smaller than you think, and the cities and communities more so. You never know who might just discriminate you. – Robert

If you really feel the need to discriminate for the sake of making

Canta is the perfect platform to speak our minds, let everyone know our opinions, and most importantly, VENT. So I’d like to take the time in this short column to rant about how much it kills me that food on campus costs an arm and a leg.

I’m sick and tired of the fact that we have so much expensive food on campus with only post grads to devour it, ‘cos I sure as heck ain’t spending $5.00 on a sandwich when I could get a whole pizza for that much! Where da cheap food options at? Does my student levy not give me some sort of subsidy on food?

How is it that uni culture emphasises the constant #struggle of being poor, yet unless I like rice or noodles I find myself pushing through the pain of my stomach digesting itself!?

Also, what’s up with the fact we have a restaurant on campus serving cla$$y food and drinks when not many (if ANY) can afford a place to chill as high end as The Shilling Club?

These are all Q’s I gotta get answered ASAP because I need that high calorie intake. Yours sincerely, Hungry.

H a r d ya r d s The UC Film Club put in the hours watching c l a s s i c ‘ m u s t wa t c h f i l m s’ s o th a t y o u c a n p r e t e n d y o u’ r e c u l t u r e d . so freakin’ cool in ‘Scarface’. If you’ve seen ‘The Wolf of Wall Street’, it is imperative that you see ‘Scarface’. If Jordan Belfort was ‘The Wolf of Wall Street’, Tony Montana (the character played by Pacino) in ‘Scarface’ was the hideous hound of Little Havana in Miami. Moreover, this film since the time it released has inspired raps, video games, weird songs and even pornos !!!!!! Watch ‘Scarface’ so that the film is etched in your mind forever.

Movie details: Scarface (1983) Why should I pretend I’ve seen this film? This movie is a dummy’s guide to debauchery, vulgarity and the choicest of slangs. And considering the amount of violence the protagonist involves himself in, you can certainly see this film to vent your anger and frustrations. One sentence sum up of the plot: An immigrant from Cuba with a scar on his face almost succeeds in living the American dream (and how I wish he was successful). What makes this film a classic: ‘Scarface’ is synonymous with unperturbed swag. 30 years before Leonardo DiCaprio made snorting cocaine and committing white-collared crimes look acceptable in ‘The Wolf of Wall Street’, Al Pacino had made a refugee’s illegal rise to power look

Give us some facts about this movie I can impress someone with: This movie has one of the goriest murder scenes in the history of cinema (at least I feel so). That chainsaw sequence wherein Pacino’s friend gets killed is perhaps one of the most horribly beautiful scenes I’ve seen in a film as of now. I don’t think a slasher horror film will terrify the audience as much as that particular scene in ‘Scarface’ could. But then again, ‘Scarface’ was never intended for a faint-hearted audience. And the sequence that is being discussed is a very important one because it plays a key role in making Pacino’s character the way it turned out to be as the film progresses. This movie can be used as a tutorial for acquiring unprecedented ambition which may or may not screw your life up.

Controversial or alternate theory on the storyline: I will be the happiest person in the world if ‘The Godfather Part III’ that released in 1990 was discarded and ‘Scarface’ was considered as a sequel to the epic Godfather films that released in 1972 and 1974 respectively. Michael Corleone and Tony Montana can be the same people and there are a number of ways in which the ending of ‘The Godfather Part II’ could be linked to the beginning of ‘Scarface’. And I can completely imagine a power-hungry Michael Corleone saying “Say ‘Hello’ to my little friend” before pumping his AK-47 bullets into his enemies before being struck down. Or.......... Tony Montana could have even been the long-lost twin brother Michael Corleone never knew he had. In that case it would have been a treat for the fans to see the two characters together. Statutory warning: I heard ‘Scarface’ is being remade!!!!!! My request to the makers of the remake would be to not commit the sin of remaking this 1983 classic. (Although the 1983 film itself was the remake of a previous film but that can be pardoned) If plans for the remake are not abandoned, a GoFundMe page should be created to collect enough cash to raze down the studio that is making such devious plans. :-D By Reo Roy

UC Film Club’s next event: 80’s comedy film screening 5th April, Lecture Theatre A5 Facebook.com/UCFilmClub

ANTI SOCIAL SNA PO THE F You WEEK! win of V a s l a b P C o n u r e! tac t u for de e s ts

GIG GUIDE J ON TOOGOOD SOLO & ACOUSTIC

DUAL- ep release tour 2017

Wed 12th April

Sat 15th April

Location The Tannery, 3 Garlands Road Venue Blue Smoke Price $42.50

Venue Darkroom Doors open: 9pm Entry: R18 Price $30 + booking fee

RDU 98.5 fm

Subtle System feat. YOUNGSTA [ Uk ]

presents

h el m et Fri 21st April Location 126 Madras Street Venue The Bedford Price $55

Fri 21st April Location 363 Lincoln Road Venue Dim7th Price $30 + booking fee

By the time you read this TuneSoc will have had a couple of events, Welcome to TuneSoc and the TuneSoc Open, and if our first event is anything to go by this year is shaping up to be a good one for UC music! We’re heading into the holidays, so not many TuneSoc events coming up but there’s plenty of gigs out there in the city. Watch this space for Term 2 events heading your way! – xoxo TuneSoc

facebook.com/Tunesoc

WILD FOODS By Amy Kong

RDU Round Up Band Competition Coming May 2017

Entry details at rdu.org.nz

Even for a slightly buzzed first timer, the reality of Wildfoods on March 11th did not live up to expectations. With a lower turnout compared to 2016 and the incessant drizzly skies, Hoki locals typically stayed in bed whilst unruly teens and tourists turned up. The costumes ranged from typical Fred Dagg’s, nuns, and hippies, to some unsurprisingly culturally insensitive ones. The general bogan vibe was supplemented against the backdrop of mashups between top 40 and throw back hits by a forgettable cover band. Ethnic food was littered around iconic offerings, such as huhu grubs (“it explodes in your mouth and tastes like SHIT”) and mountain oysters. Some highlights were the cream paua, seeing a super long ginger beard, and scoring some sick deals before closing time. People generally seemed to have a good time - or spent most of their time taking selfies to tell their friends how much of a GREAT time they had. Fooled you.

Welcome to TuneSoc

By Sam Thomas Did we just witness the birth of a homegrown UC music scene? “Welcome to TuneSoc” was the first major event of the year by the ambitious new club TuneSoc which is looking to stimulate musical growth in the UC community. The event featured eight acts across a diverse range of genres, from the Bob Dylan–esque originals from singer songwriter Matt Slaughter, to the angelic harmonies of four piece And More, the silky smooth country soul of Guy Dooney and the Battlers and finally rounded off by the rock-jazz groove of

Dusky Sound. The drink deals and living room feel of the Foundry made for a homely Wednesday night atmosphere as we all settled in and let the music take hold. As we made our way through the night, and the Martinborough Gardening Duo brought their saxophone out, the enlivened crowd found its dancing shoes. A brilliant evening of musical appreciation. If this first night is anything to go by, the future’s looking bright for the emerging art culture of UC.

Shambles [ mono nights ]

By Campbell Lauder The Scarfies Takeover on 23rd March saw a revitalised MONO Night which strayed away from the turntables and gave UC students some peachy homegrown tunes from the dirty south. The Shambles performed a set quite unlike any others, with outstanding stage presence led by the man himself, Max Gunn. The band’s jazzy steez left the crowd melting for more as the five piece act developed into a septet with the addition of a silky trumpet (not a metaphor), and a rapping cameo from Will Hillstead to cap off the night.

If you haven’t listened to their debut album, “Hungry Planet” (available on iTunes, Spotify, and Tinder), then your eardrums are missing out. Hopefully these boys make their way back up soon for another big doo - we are fizzing to hear what music they come up with next! TuneSoc gave this performance: 11 perfectly poured pints of Foundry Nectar out of 10.

Photography by Hugh Baird.

NGAIRE KNOWS BEST Hi Ngaire, I’m in a situation right now where I have two girlfriends. Neither know about the other, but the other day I saw them BOTH walk out of a C block lecture within metres of each other. I should have listened to them, maybe I would have realised they’re both doing the same fucking degree. I’m packing myself Do I just bite the bullet, get them together and hope they’re in for a thruple? Zack Dear Zack, What is a thruple? Is that a dessert? Like a cake? My friend Mary (she married John after Tim died in that fire) makes a gorgeous dessert she called the Raspberry Sherry Surprise and it’s just scrummy. Irregardless, it sounds like you’re very popular and that’s a commendable trait. Will it last forever? Absolutely not! It won’t! Especially if you’re doing the dirty on both these poor girls. I reckon you cut to the chase and make your mind up quick smart who you like more. Sit down. Write a pros and cons list for both ladies. Then read it out loud. Don’t they sound lovely? Yes! Too lovely for you, you two-timing sack of shit. You better watch out. I see you for what you are. Grandma Ngaire.

Dear Ngaire, I have really long nails and they are affecting my love life. I can’t ‘use’ a finger anywhere for fear of causing issues and I certainly cannot ‘Hailee Steinfield Love Myself’ safely. Cutting them is not an option. Short nails are ugly. What should I do? Sincerely, Stella – Asking for a friend

Hi Mrs Chambers, Since being at UC I’ve suffered from the Fresher 15. If you don’t know what that is, it’s a common 15kg that you seem to gain from all the food and booze that’s associated with Uni life. Do I need to do anything about this? From - too embarrassed to write my name

Hi Stella, Who on Earth are you friends with that has such ghastly, enormous nails? Is it Catwoman? I just asked the Google what that means - you want to do what?! My heart just skipped a beat. As a Grey Power board member I am DISGUSTED. But… Okay, wait. No – CANTA has sent me to help and help I must. My advice, would be ignore the claws and use the television remote, the palm of the hand or a soft fruit instead. And hey, if your friend wants long nails, why not, it’s the 90s so go for it, dear! Fashion wise, I enjoy a tidy, short, pink nail. My manicurist calls it ‘cunny pink!’ What a darling name! Good luck, Grandma Ngaire

Dear Chubs, I too have enjoyed a Tim Tam or three in my time and I feel your pain. I do! It’s not nice getting undressed and knowing you’ll be marked by those capri pants you shoplifted at The Warehouse. But as a former beauty pageant winner (please don’t be intimidated although that would be understandable) I’ve learned quite a few tricks along the way. When I competed for Miss Rosetown I stayed trim with a routine of jumping jacks, Irish jigging and questionable amounts of cigarettes. I even used a treadmill made of wood and canvas! BUT TIME’S HAVE CHANGED. Nowadays I like to stay active with a fun walk with my girls, the ones with the new hips. Maybe you could do the same? Even a trot to the pub is better than no walk at all.

NGAIRE’S TOP TIP

Have you been busy? I know I’ve been busy. Gosh, just so busy. I’ve played Scrabble, watched Shortland Street, taken pills (mostly mine) and eaten A LOT of Tim Tams. It’s been all go. And being so busy and eating so many bickies I can get a bit gassy. I don’t like to admit my mistakes (except to Jesus) so I much prefer to blame others for my gassy interludes. Dogs fart – not ladies, thank you. If you too are inclined to a bit of a parp when you’re bending over or laughing too hard, here’s my advice: 1. Blame a pet. That Labrador can’t talk back and screw him anyway, he’s had an easy life. 2. Ask a nearby person, with concern, if they’re feeling okay? Because based on that smell? Maybe they’re not. Maybe? They should see a doctor? Or take themselves? To the toilet. 3. Ask loudly “WHO WAS THAT? That is a smell NOT FROM THIS EARTH. PHONE A PRIEST.” 4. Move away slowly and with no sudden movement. Crop dust that bitch. You don’t owe anyone anything.

Best wishes, Grandma Ngaire

All my love, Grandma Ngaire

– We p a s s o n yo u r e m a i l s t o N g a i r e - c a n t a . e d i t o r @ g m a i l . c o m – h t t p s : //w w w. f a c e b o o k . c o m /M r s N g a i r e C h a m b e r s / – Grandma Knows Best - webseries coming soon

LUCKY DIp HOW IT WORKS: Two strangers, free dinner and drinks at Spags, and a written summary from each person that we broadcast to the world.

ONE SIDE

THE OTHER SIDE

Her subtle dimples when she smiled. The tempting touch of her fingertips through her wild golden hair. Not a single thing about this woman could make me look past the fact that she had turned up pissed as a chook. She swaggered into the establishment with the energy of an atomic bomb and plonked herself down in front of me with a smile that smacked me across the face.

Pep talks and skulling back whatever alcohol was left around the flat I was finally ready to go and meet the love of my life. Upon arrival and seeing my date I was pleasantly surprised to see a nice looking boy and even more pleasantly surprised to see two bottles of wine which he had brought as unbeknowingly to me spags is a BYO. This plus $100 to spend on food and drinks left us with some difficult decisions on what to order.

Conversation began to flow like the torrents of the Niagara Falls but neither of us were looking for a dry experience that night. An unimaginable range of topics were discussed and debated throughout the meal and every time we thought we might be reaching some form of climax of the experience, another wave of energy would hit us like a cheeky bump in a portaloo. As the evening wore on, the bottles of wine became lighter and the plate of pizza in between us was starting to look sparse. In their place was a bond between her and I that was almost tangible. We had to continue the night together. We strolled to The Foundry in the temperate autumn air for some live music, heavily intoxicated at this stage, but potentially more so from each other’s company rather than from the wine itself. So caught up in the experience we were that my date couldn’t even remember my name.

The worry of running out of conversation was quickly forgotten about as we ended up talking too much and annoying the waitress with the continued deny that we were ready to order. The choice was made early on that we would continue to party after dinner... live music at The Foundry it was. After asking for a doggy bag for the rest of our food, skulling back the last of our drinks and proceeding to eat the rest of what had just been packaged up in the doggy bag we were on our way. I decided I would have to hide the remains of a bottle of wine under my top for a roadie, this bottle remains under a tree next to The Foundry for whoever wants it. I have to apologise for leaving abruptly. However I had a top notch night and it was definitely the best blind date I have ever been on.

When we arrived at The Foundry it was a hive of activity and I apologise here as the details of what occurred there are hazy. What I do know is that, in a tragic turn of fate, we lost each other in the mayhem, never to see each other again. I don’t know why you didn’t say goodbye before you left, I probably never will but I hope you don’t mind that ended up in RNR with someone else.

, yo u r s e lf S u b m it a te tm a fl d yo u r s a o th e r or some rer e T in d e o b s e s s iv n’s e n tl e m e to T h e G C lu b w

SPAGALIMIS UC SPECIAL: 8 slice

$8 PIZZAS spagalimis.co.nz

book w w.f a ce

.co m /th

e g c .c a n

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HAPPY ENDING WORDFIND

MEMORY LAME

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