CANTA, issue 4, 2016 by UCSA

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{CONTENTS}

ISSUE 4

CONTENTS 4.

Letters to the Editor

Campus News

In Other News

Student News

11.

Canta Investigates: Student Representation

An examination of the proposed changes to the Exec representation model, and how well the current model works

20.

Research Profile:

21.

Club Profiles

22.

Tea With Spanky

24.

Feature Profile: SACHI

26.

Flat Tour

28.

Opinion Piece: Good God

Cindy Allison - Spinal cord injuries

UCCC & OpSoc

The Chaplain takes scones with hunters and vegetarians

Canta meets the dynamic DJ duo taking the electronic music world by storm

14.

UCSA Page

15.

Exec Watchdog

Debate: Free Education

DebSoc present both sides of Labour’s free education policy

29.

Columns

19.

Politics: Australia vs New Zealand

30.

True Tinder Stories + Sudoku

UCPols compares the rights of Kiwis and Aussies living in each other’s coutries.

Life At Rountree

“It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all - in which case, you fail by default.” JK Rowling

British Author Canta is brought to you by: The University Of Canterbury Students’ Association

Issue 04, 30th May 2016 Editor: Liam Donnelly Deputy Editors: Shannon Costello, Mac Stephenson Designer: Caleb Dudley Cover Design: Jessy Erceg Contributors: Rev Spanky Moore, DebSoc, UCPols, Hugh Baird, Cindy Allison, Ollie O’Connell, Tom Kennedy, RDU

Send any queries or complaints to: president@ucsa.co.nz or canta@canta.co.nz All advertising and sponsorship enquiries to: michael.sharapoff@ucsa.co.nz Canta is a member of the Aotearoa Student Press Association (ASPA) and the New Zealand Press Council. Individuals with a complaint against the magazine should first contact the Canta Editor in writing and then, if not satisfied with the response, contact the New Zealand Press Council Secretary at: PO Box 10-879, The Terrace, Wellington.

{ CANTA 2016 - ISSUE 4}

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR {LETTERS TO THE EDITOR}

DON’T EAT ORPHANS

SHIRLEY YOU COULD HAVE DONE SOME

Dear Canta

RESEARCH?

Do you think the same logic from the “Opinion Piece: Food for thought” would apply to orphans? Minimising the human population could be better for the environment? Or did you publish this to get readers to make a philosophical connection with their food?

This was my favourite note on the suggestions board in the Undercroft:

Thanks, From someone who does not condone the eating of any animals (including humans). We highly recommend not reading the articles.

- Canta

AGM: A REVIEW

Here! here!

Dear Canta,

Shirley

Does AGM stand for: Arjoghg. Ghaghgh. Maaaaaan this is boring!

dent is $770 1) The SSL for a full time stu n if you opt out of 2) The SSL is compulsory. Eve pay it. the UCSA, you still have to

It does at this university. Free Pizzaly yours, Bring Back Free Beer III

We’ve asked Steve Jobs to do the keynote at the next one. If he can’t make it, we’ll go for Naz from the Bachelor. - Canta

SO VAGUE Dear Canta,

Thanks for the insightful feedback.

More sodoku.

Check the last page.

That is all.

- Canta

{ CANTA 2016 - ISSUE 4}

$770 from you. It 3) The UCSA does not get the money. doesn’t even get HALF the

4) The Joint Operations Advisory Board (JOAB) divvies up the loot and it usually goes something like this:

Here to help. - Canta

{LETTERS TO THE EDITOR}

REVIEWS: A REVIEW LETTER OF TH E WEEK

Canta, I’d like to take this opportunity to review last issue’s review section. Seems like someone is on the happy powder over there at Canta towers. Nothing you reviewed came in below a 7. That’s, NOTHING below a 7. And let’s be fair here… you reviewed some shit. Kanye West’s album? A Spotify playlist from two years ago? A movie starring a guy from Home and Away? Overall, I’d give your review section… 7/10

ICE COLD BURN

Thanks Canta,

We’ve taken your opinions into consideration and have instituted Swedish rounding on all reviews.

Your magazine was an ok read at the North Pole. It was way better when I ran out of toilet paper. Turns out your pages wipe shit pretty well - more so than the 1 ply crap they have at University.

- Canta

Many thanks, Deez Frozen Nuts ort of providing your We appreciate the extra eff MS Paint is still a own photo. And it’s good to see

KIM JONG UNREPENTANT Dear CANTA,

thing. Bless.

I would like to second the notion (yeh, I went to the AGM) of the Amnesty Day. I for one do not think I should be held responsible for what I do when I’m drunk. This isn’t North Korea!

- Canta

NEWS FLASH? This just in. South Canterbury ski fields are getting a pounding, and Otago residents have just discovered two new uses for sheep;

Is it?

Meat and wool.

Genuine question. Yours, Rhode Cohen have To recap our campaign: we now And ONE for the Amnesty day. 12,999 who never got back to us. - Canta

Stay tuned for more.

Is that you Dad?

Fat Cantab.

- Canta

WE GET WEIRD STUFF SENT TO US “Alas for the Onceler, he’s sad as can be, For one can’t save the truffula with but one seed, ‘Tis a noble endeavour, but take heed,

COVER CONFUSION

Populations from one individual lack genetic diversit-ee” Thanks?

Dear Canta, The Lorax.

...I dont get it? Its a banana. -Canta

- Canta

Want to write a letter? Email: letters@canta.co.nz Canta’s ‘Least Shit Letter of the Week’ wins a roll of coveted 2-ply toilet paper! Canta does not edit letters for spelling and grammar. They are printed as submitted unless otherwise stated. { CANTA 2016 - ISSUE 4}

CAMPUS NEWS

{CAMPUS NEWS}

uploaded to YouTube. The main line from the chorus appears to be, “Co, co, co, co, co, co-curricular!” At the time of writing, the video has 486 views, one like, and six dislikes.

KERR IN THE MEDALS Canterbury Distinguished Professor Roy Kerr has received the prestigious Crafoord Prize in Sweden. Kerr’s medal was awarded in the astronomy category for “fundamental work concerning rotating black holes and their astrophysical consequences”. Professor Kerr is best known for discovering the Kerr geometry, an exact solution to the Einstein equation of general relativity. He adds the Crafoord Prize to a long list of awards including: - Hector Medal (1982) - Hughes Medal (1984) - Rutherford medal (1993) - Marcel Grossman Award (2006) - Companion of The New Zealand Order of Merit (2011) - Albert Einstein Medal (2013)

SOUND OF MUSOC MAX KEY GETS MONO

Max Key, George FM DJ and son of Prime Minister John Key, made his Foundry debut on Thursday 12 May. 21-year-old Key was brought to UC as part of the newly launched ‘MONO Nights’. At one point in the night the boisterous crowd began a traditional “fuck John Key” chant in an attempt to phase the young heir. Max’s response was to stop the music and reply, “but I’m not John Key?” He then won over the audience by following this statement with a hearty swig on his beverage of choice. Reviews of his musical performance were largely positive, with even the Editor of this magazine begrudgingly admitting, “He was actually pretty good. But don’t tell anyone I said that.”

The University of Canterbury Musical Theatre Society (MUSOC) sold out all three nights of their latest production at the Jack Mann theatre. Sound of the Century showcased “the most iconic songs and artists from the 1920s to today… from Buddy Holly to Beyonce.” Unlike conventional theatre shows, audiences sat at tables and were treated to complimentary snacks and serving a range of wines and craft beers. Over 240 people attended the show, with producer Rhys Black exclaiming “The fact we sold out two days before we opened and had to increase our capacity made me f***ing stoked! Awesome to see that students are keen to get amongst the theatre scene on campus!” Auditions for MUSOC’s next production, Hair, will take place from the 2nd-4th of June. Details available on MUSOC’s Facebook page.

CO, CO, CO-CURRICULAR Earlier this year UC launched the Co-curricular Record (CCR), an initiative that aims to formally recognise student participation in activities outside of of their academic study. Students must submit a claim for activities to be included on their CCR through the CareerHub website. All activities must be pre-approved by the university, and students can not claim for retrospective recognition on previous years’ activities. To help raise awareness of the CCR, an original rap video has been produced and 6

{ CANTA 2016 - ISSUE 4}

AEGROTATS CHANGE The process for applying for aegrotats at UC has changed. The University have centralised the ‘Special Consideration’ process, meaning each faculty will no longer handle their own cases. Several other changes have also been implemented. Canta is currently investigating the changes and how they will affect UC students. All students are encouraged to review the new process at:

SQUIDILICOUS The Undercroft’s mixed bag fast-food outlet, The Wok, is now serving squid alongside its range of curries and assorted deep fried fare. The squid appears to be less ‘calamari’ and more ‘chunks of cephlapod’. Early reviews seem extremely positive. One Wok patron was heard to remark, “Wowza! Squidward would turn cannibal for this squid!”

canterbury.ac.nz/exams/special-consideration Squidward could not be reached for comment.

{IN OTHER NEWS}

IN OTHER NEWS

KIWI FOR WORLD TITLE New Zealand heavyweight boxer Joseph Parker has defeated Carlos Takam in their IBF eliminator bout in Auckland. 24-year-old Parker went the full 12 rounds with the the 35-year-old Cameroonian, emerging with a unanimous points decision. Parker’s career record now stands a 19-0.

percent of all cars in use in New Zealand, and allowing them to use bus lanes.

The government is also planning to investigate bulking buying of EVs as part of their effort to reach their goal of having 64,000 of them on our roads in the next five years. At present there are only around 2000 electric vehicles in use here.

Green Party transport spokesperson Julie Anne Genter was not convinced by the More significantly, the victory over Takam government’s plans. “Their policy is allowing has earned Parker a mandatory world title electric vehicles to use bus lanes, which will fight against Brit Anthony Joshua. 26-yearseriously disrupt public transport services in old Joshua is the current IBF heavyweight our most congested cities, but there’s no new champion and 2012 Olympic gold medalist. He tax breaks for electric vehicles,” Genter said. has a 16-0 record in his professional career. According to IBF rules the title fight must take place before January 16, 2017. It is expected to be held in England.

KANYE IS WEIRD Kanye West has been described as “the world’s biggest diva” by his former bodyguard. 42-year-old ex-cop Steven Stanulis has told reporters, “I’ve been employed by a lot of highend people but I’ve never worked for someone like him. He’s ten times worse than what you see. You just never knew what would trigger a meltdown,” the ex-minder said. Stanulis’ claims West became angry when another body guard wore red shoes, and that he insists all staff wear plain clothing because, “patterns distract him”.

SPIDERS ON A PLANE HUNT FOR MOVIE GOLD Directly Taikia Waititi’s adaptation of a Barry Crump novel is now New Zealand’s highest grossing film. Hunt For The Wilderpeople has surpassed Waititi’s own Boy, released in 2010. The film tells the story of Ricky Baker (Julian Dennison), a defiant young city kid, who is sent by child welfare services to live in the country with his foster aunt Bella (Rima Te Wiata) and cantankerous foster uncle Hec (Sam Neill).

The passengers on a flight from the Dominican Republic to Canada were sent into a panic after it emerged the plane had a couple of furry stowaways: a pair of giant tarantulas. Canadian Catherine Moreau was watching a movie when she felt a wire brushing against her leg during the flight. “I brushed (it) away and it started tickling me again” she said. “That’s when I noticed the tarantula. I hit it to get it off me before it bit.”

The giant arachnid then scampered off under her daughter’s luggage, where Moreau’s Wilderpeople has currently grossed $9.1millon, husband was able to trap the beast – believed to be a particularly aggressive species of and made $1.263million in the opening tarantula - under some Tupperware. As weekend alone. screaming passengers began to recover from the shock, flight attendants told them to pull BATTERIES THE BUS LANE up their socks to keep from being bitten. Moreau claimed she had experience scratches Transport Minister Simon Bridges has from her close encounter. announced a series of policies aimed at increasing the number of electric vehicles (EVs) A second spider was discovered after the on our road. This includes making EVs exempt plane landed safely in Montreal. Moreau and from road user charges until they make up two her family are demanding a full refund.

On the set of TV show Saturday Night Live, West allegedly threatened to walk out because the floor was too shiny. West reportedly became so enraged the the floor he began ranting incoherently, before screaming “I am bummed . . . if I am going to do this, we are breaking the motherf***ing internet.” Stanulis claims he was fired for “being in the same hallway” as West’s wife Kim Kardashian.

SIX OF THE BEST 1. The Chinese government fabricates nearly 490 million social media posts every year 2. Google is patenting a “sticky” technology so that pedestrians who get hit by selfdriving cars will stick to them rather than bounce off 3. Mars was once devastated by 50-metre high tsunamis 4. Fifty percent of 30-year-olds in Greece and Bulgaria live with their parents 5. People who watch porn more than once a week are likely to be more religious than those who watch it only a couple of times a month 6. Artisanal marijuana crab cakes have been developed in the US { CANTA 2016 - ISSUE 4}

{STUDENT NEWS}

STUDENT NEWS Recent news from around the university world

STUDENT STEALS AMBULANCE

University of Rochester

Emergency crews were called to the campus of the University of Rochester (New York) in the early hours of May 12th to treat a heavily intoxicated student. While they attended to the man, another student, 22-year-old Robert Cordaro, reportedly jumped into the driver’s seat of the nearby ambulance and sped away into the night. Cordaro’s trip was short-lived however, as he crashed the ambulance into a flower bed moments later. He has subsequently been charged with grand larceny, criminal mischief and DWI. An officer at the scene noted that Cordaro had drunk six beers and two Manhattans before his brief brain explosion. As he was led away in handcuffs, the apologetic joyrider told security, “It was stupid, it was stupid.”

designers said the satellite’s state-of-theart communications system meant it would be able to transmit more data than other satellites, because it features a world-first inflatable antenna.

winning a place at Cambridge, Oxford or America’s Ivy League seem a cake walk in comparison. At Tsinghua’s economics faculty, 300,000 applicants compete for just 100 places.

“It’s going to pack up like a parachute would inside this little satellite and it’s full of a special acid that essentially inflates in space,” the managing director of the programme said.

Some of those who do beat the odds and make it in are reportedly left confused, disillusioned and even suicidal. According to researcher Dr Susanne Bregnbæk, students are often trapped between traditional Chinese expectations to please their families and more modern, Western pressures to be “unique” and achieve “self-realisation”.

“So once it’s in a vacuum, it will inflate, creating a very large magnifying reflector, and we’ll get really high data transfer rates.” The “cubesat” is at the proof-of-concept stage but if successful could potentially be used for agriculture or weather monitoring, or even as a telescope.

ANTI-RACIST COALITION OCCUPPIES DEAN’S OFFICE Seattle University A group of students at Seattle University have begun an occupation of their college’s front office, complete with pizza, pillows, and Beyonce’s Lemonade album playing over speakers. They say they won’t leave until the dean of the college resigns.

At least three white professors have corroborated the concerns of the students sitting in the corridors leading to their offices, with one admitting the college’s Eurocentric curriculum is a big problem and needs to be changed.

{ CANTA 2016 - ISSUE 4}

VIC STUDENTS FORCED TO BUNK-UP

Victoria University of Wellington

Some first-year students who signed up for rooms at Victoria’s Katharine Jeremyn Hall in February arrived to find they would be sharing bunk-bed rooms instead. The 380room hall had been over-booked, leaving 64 students to bunk-up with strangers.

AUSSIES TRY TO REACH ORBIT

Many of the students whom Dr Bregnbæk met during her research were trying to fashion reasons why they were unique. “In many cases they felt they have to be unique because of where they are,” she explained. “It becomes a role that they have to live up to.”

The occupier’s claims include a humanities curriculum based heavily on “stuff that old racist and sexist white guy wrote down” and a lack of diversity amongst the college’s faculty.

Melbourne University

A group of Melbourne University students are attempting to build their own satellite from scratch in the hope they will eventually launch a local space industry. More than 200 students are involved in the design and build of the cube-shaped satellite that will be only a little bigger than a coffee cup. The

According to the Copenhagen-based academic, China has sought to mimic the more creative and rounded parts of Western education and move away from rote learning. “While the West is looking east” by extoling the virtues of Chinese work ethic, “the East is looking west”.

CHINESE STUDENTS TORN BETWEEN TWO WORLDS

Tinshua & Peking University

The competition to enter Peking and Tsinghua universities in Beijing makes

The hall originally only charged the bunkroomers $220 per week – down from the full $359 per week for a private room – but have now informed them that as of July 11 they will be required to pay the full price. Several students have reported “hating” the bunk room arrangement, but are concerned that moving to another hall would be “another stress” and socially challenging.

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CA NT AF EA TU RE

CANTA INVESTIGATES:

BY LIAM DONNELY

Big shake-up proposed for student representation T

he UCSA is planning a big shakeup over how students are represented on its Student Executive. The current Executive has begun work on a pre-election promise to review how the Exec is structured. The present representation model sees a President, VicePresident, Finance Officer and nine General Exec Members elected by the student body. Successful General Exec candidates are then assigned one internal and one external portfolio for their year in office. According to the 2015 Election Guide, the current Exec structure “grants potential to match the skill set of incoming UCSA Executive Officers with a specific portfolio to which that skill set could be best put to use.” Vice-President Mikaela Ruegg is not convinced that this approach serves to accurately represent the wider student body and their interests. “We’re looking at a bunch

of different options, such as people running based on faculty, or people running based on an assigned position, like Postgraduate Office, International Rep, Maori Rep, LGBT Rep. It’s just a matter of what combination of those would be best,” Ruegg told Canta. Vice-chancellor Rod Carr told Canta the UCSA Exec needed, “the strongest possible mandate to speak on behalf of students.” Carr would not be drawn on what an amended representation model should look like. “My only advice is to ensure the process is one that gives the outcome sought by students and ensures the widest possible engagement of students in selecting those who will act in their interests,” Carr said.

clear understanding of issues relevant to each community are in a strong position to respond to, and correct, those issues,” Shephard said. Te Akatoki President, Emma Maurice, focused on the need for students to make their opinions heard. “Whichever system the students at UC choose to elect their representatives, the most important thing is to make sure you voice your opinion!” Maurice said. The UCSA have planned several focus groups to discuss the proposed amendment over the next three weeks. General student submissions can be made in person, or in writing, to UCSA President James Addington.

Luke Shephard, President of Q Canterbury*, sees a real benefit in Exec roles that are pre-assigned to specific communities.

president@ucsa.or.nz

“These kinds of new roles would help ensure that people with a

* This is the opinion held by Luke and may not necessarily represent those of all members of Q Canterbury

What do other Universities do? Otago University, Dunedin – President, VicePresident, Finance Officer, Education Officer, Welfare Officer, International Officer, Postgraduate Officer, Campaigns Officer, Recreation Officer, and Colleges Officer. Auckland University, Auckland – A three-tier committee system. In order to be a Committee Member you must previously have been a Class Rep. The three tiers are Senate Committees, Council Committees, and Vice Chancellor’s Committees. In the Senate committee, the Senate (four Undergraduates, one Postgraduate, and President of the AUSA) preside over Academic Grievance, Education, International, Library, Research,

Schools Liason, Teaching and Learning Quality (all represented by usually one student). Council Committee consists of Equity, Discipline, and Human Participant Ethics. Vice Chancellor’s Committee consist of Information Technology Strategy and Policy, and Occupational Environmental Safety and Health. Victoria University, Wellington – Have a tenperson Executive consisting of President, Academic Vice-President, Welfare Vice-President, Engagement Vice-President, Treasury/Secretary, Campaigns Officer, Clubs and Activities Officer, Wellbeing and Sustainability Officer, Education Officer, and Equity Officer.

“the strongest possible mandate to speak on behalf of students.” “the most important thing is to make sure you voice your opinion!” “WE’RE LOOKING AT A BUNCH OF DIFFERENT OPTIONS”

University of Sydney, Australia – The Student Board is made up of 14 directors: 11 who are current students elected by their peers, two who are appointed by the University Senate, and the Immediate Past President of the Board. University of British Columbia, Canada – UBC had an overhaul of their Student Executive in 2010. Their current system consists of an Executive team of President, Academic & University Affairs VicePresident, Administration Vice-President, External Affairs Vice-President, and Finance Vice-President, Student Services Manager, General Manager, Archivist and Clerk of Council, Executive Director. { CANTA 2016 - ISSUE 4}

CA NT AF EA TU RE

REPRESENTED MUCH? Who is representing your interests on the UCSA GENERAL Exec? The UCSA Student Exec are elected by you, to represent you. The top three (President, VicePresident, and Finance Officer) run for their specific positions, however the General Exec are elected via a “nine candidates with the most votes get in” model. Over the years, some have suggested this non-targeted representation model produces a General Exec that is little more than a “popular/ cool kids” club. Others have argued that it ensures only the best candidates are elected.

What we know for sure is, the General Exec candidates do not run for specific portfolios. They are only assigned an internal (UCSA-based) portfolio and an external (University-based) portfolio after they are elected. Does that even matter? Well, maybe. Under the current system the entire General Exec could technically be made up of students from only one or two faculties – who would then be forced to divvy up portfolios they have little or no connection

with. This may seem unlikely, but bear in mind that none of the current Exec study education. And seven of the 12 (58%) are studying law. The question remains: just how well do the current General Exec really represent the diverse interests of the UC student body? Canta asked them them hard questions, so you can make up your own mind. NOTE: all answers are printed as they were submitted.

Name: Tom Tappin

Name: Johnny Duncan

Age: 22

Age: 21

Studying: LLB/BSc

Studying: MCom (Masters in marketing)

Internal Exec portfolio: The Foundry

Internal Exec portfolio: Sustainability

How qualified do you feel you are for this portfolio?The key to this role has been understanding the dynamics of the foundry and how students respond to different events etc. We have introduced a few new initiatives this year and are trying new things all the time. There isn’t anything specific that makes me qualified for this; it’s more about a mixed bag of attributes. The biggest thing is that I’m enthusiastic and all about testing the boundaries, trying out fresh ideas and keeping things exciting. When considering what I’ve been overseeing this year, we’re definitely heading in the right direction.

How qualified do you feel you are for this portfolio? I feel reasonably qualified to run this portfolio. I was involved with the eco-club OpSoc for two years and although OpSoc is not the most intensely sustainable of the eco-clubs out there, it was still a great eye-opener and stepping stone into the eco club scene on campus. My studies touch little on sustainability, but focus mostly on sustainability in tourism when it comes up. I feel I am the most qualified person to run this portfolio on our current executive, but perhaps not the most qualified person at UC, there are far better eco-minds than mine out there. I like to believe that what I lack in qualifications I make up in passion, as someone who is keen on sustainability I campaigned on bringing this portfolio back into the UCSA fold and I didn’t bring it back for nothing.

External Exec portfolio: Law How qualified do you feel you are for this portfolio? Again, there is a mixture of things that qualify me for this. At the base of it, I’m a fifth year law student who is familiar with all aspects of the faculty. On top of this, I’m the type of person who isn’t afraid to voice my opinion and stand up to someone who may be more qualified than me. For example, if an issue contentious for students were to arise in a faculty meeting I would have no problem standing up to academics if it were necessary. If you have any questions or concerns I’m always open for a chat, don’t hesitate to email me at law@ucsa.org.nz Name: Cheyenne Conroy-Mosdell Age: 21 Studying: LLB/BA Internal Exec Portfolio: Canta How qualified do you feel you are for this portfolio? As the Canta portfolio involves being the link between the Canta team and the UCSA, I do feel qualified to be this representative, although I do lack experience in media and journalism which would be helpful. External Exec Portfolio: Sports How qualified do you feel you are for this portfolio? I feel I am definitely suited for this portfolio. I spent my second year at University as the sports representative on the College House Students Association where I organised many internal and external sporting events and exchanges. Last year, I worked for UCSport where I co-ordinated the Interhall Sports Competition. Both these experiences have given me great working relationships with many of the sporting departments on campus. Name: Espoir Ibouanga Studying: Political science and philosophy Internal Exec portfolio: Clubs How qualified do you feel you are for this portfolio? Qualified enough to have things done at the end of the day. I believe that there is still some things in the role I’m not capable of doing because I lack knowledge in that area. External Exec portfolio: Education How qualified do you feel you are for this portfolio? I believe I have acquired substantial skills and knowledge in this role and I believe I’ve learnt to adapt to the role. Hence I feel qualified enough to get the job done.

12 { CANTA 2016 - ISSUE 4}

External Exec portfolio: Postgraduate How qualified do you feel you are for this portfolio? About my only qualification for this is that I am a postgraduate student, being that is my first year as a postgraduate student and there are so many different facets of postgraduate studies, this has definitely been a learn on the job experience for me. Having Alistair Davies of the PGSA heavily involved is definitely a huge help in accurately representing postgraduate students. Name: Mike Brophy Age: 25 Studying: Chemical & Process Engineering (final year) Internal Exec portfolio: Food & Beverage How qualified do you feel you are for this portfolio? It’s difficult to say. While I do not have any experience working in hospitality, I do not believe it would have been overly beneficial, anyway. The majority of the UCSA Food & Beverage role involves listening and ensuring students have access to affordable food & beverages that suit their tastes and dietary requirements, as well as ensuring it is financially viable to keep it sustainable. This year we’ve introduced more vegetarian, vegan, and gluten free options throughout all cafes (the salads at The Greek are a personal favourite), almond milk at Cafe 1894, V-Plate deals, and the team have been working hard on going through food & beverage contracts with suppliers for the next five years. So, I think it’s not a question of how qualified a person is, it’s more about how willing they are to listen to student requests, and then investigate them. External Exec portfolio: Engineering How qualified do you feel you are for this portfolio? Unlike food and beverage, Engineering is an external portfolio -- because of this, I feel qualifications need to be justified. This is my 9th year of engineering study, and I used to work in the engineering industry for three years. During this time, I have been exposed to both students and graduates from all specialisations, genders, and backgrounds, but the majority of them were from The University of Canterbury. So, I have not only learned how UC Engineering could be improved from current students (and my own personal experience), but also from graduates who have been out in the industry. This is important because the majority of students are going to go out to industry once they graduate, and they need to have the necessary skill set to adjust to this. Because of all this, I feel I am qualified to represent engineering students. P.S. If you have any questions or suggestions regarding engineering or food & beverage, please email me at engineering@ucsa.org.nz.

CA NT AF EA TU RE

Name: Emily Barker

Name: Stefanie Yee

Age:

Age: 22

Studying: Bachelor of Fine Arts and Bachelor of Arts

Studying: LLB/BSc

Internal Exec portfolio: Student Wellbeing

Internal Exec portfolio: Small Clubs

How qualified do you feel you are for this portfolio? Very. I am passionate about all students being looked after and I feel A&W serves students that may not be served by our other channels eg. Events, F&B.

How qualified do you feel you are for this portfolio? Very qualified. I have had lots of experience in the club scene during my time at UC, from being an active member of many clubs to being on the executives of a few clubs. I have experience with running club events as well as an understanding of the services that the UCSA offer to clubs.

I feel just as qualified as any other exec member / student would be if they have done their research, learnt form the staff, and keep in close contact with the staff each week to ensure a strong understanding of the portfolio. Though this engagement I have also been able to start my own initiatives this year, something I see as beneficial to the development of the portfolio and the A&V side of the UCSA. Ultimately, I feel I am qualified because of my passion for the advocacy and welfare of all our students, and I have used my work ethic and qualities that got me elected to be proactive in the role. External Exec portfolio: Advocacy and Welfare How qualified do you feel you are for this portfolio? Similar answer to above…. I have a strong interest in the wellbeing of all students, and I love engaging with students from a variety of backgrounds and minorities to ensure their concerns and opinions are voiced.

External Exec portfolio: Science How qualified do you feel you are for this portfolio? Qualified. I feel that I can confidently represent the needs of Science students and raise their issues at Faculty where needed. I have known a few core members of the Science faculty since my first year at uni and so have built up a good relationship with them, where I can raise student issues to them easily. Name: Christopher Lamb Age: 23 Studying: Law and Political Science Internal Exec portfolio: Events

To hold this portfolio and lead SWAG, I feel I am qualified also due to the attributes that got me elected; assertiveness, confidence, determination, creativity, empathy, enthusiasm, organisation, etc.

How qualified do you feel you are for this portfolio? Within the parameters of the role I think that I am appropriately qualified to represent students in this position. I give student input when needed and consult with students if there is an issue I feel I am not able to give appropriate representation on.

Everyone is multi-faceted.

External Exec portfolio: Arts

Name: Chanuka De Silva Age: 22 Studying: LLB, BCom (Economics) Internal Exec portfolio: Communications How qualified do you feel you are for this portfolio? Have previously held a similar role on the entré Executive in 2015 External Exec portfolio: Commerce Faculty Rep / Library Committee Rep How qualified do you feel you are for this portfolio? Have held governance roles before and studying a BCom helps when it comes to being the faculty rep. Specifically when it comes to new courses being introduced etc.

FIND OUT MORE:

How qualified do you feel you are for this portfolio? In terms of whether I’m qualified to speak from the Arts students’ perspective, I am an arts student so I have a good understanding of the issues that arts students deal with and what they want. I’m of the opinion that even the most involved of students couldn’t know the entire group’s wishes and experiences, so knowing how to engage in consultation is even more important than having some experience in the area. However my experience so far has been that the majority of student input that is required is not so much specific to arts students, but deals with issues that are more general across the university. Therefore I think any exec member with advocacy and governance skills would be qualified to hold the arts portfolio, so long as they were prepared to actively consult with the arts student population on issues that are specific to them or affect them differently to other student groups. This experience is probably unique to faculty portfolios due to the method of input.

For all UCSA Exec contacts: ucsa.org.nz/contact-your-exec To learn more about the UCSA elections, go to: ucsa.org.nz/executive-elections { CANTA 2016 - ISSUE 4}

{UCSA}

STUDENT WELLBEING ADVISORY GROUP

In its first year of running, SWAG held a ‘Sexuality Awareness Week’, which was a great success. In 2016 another week of seminars and The Student Wellbeing Advisory group is made workshops, awareness and educational material up of around 20 UC students that come from a across campus, a display in the undercroft, a range of backgrounds, ages, and areas of study. pride party, and opportunities for networking They all want to further the interests of a group will all take place at UC. that they identify with, or have an interest in. SWAG’s role is to advise the UCSA executive in their decision making to further develop diversity and inclusivity at UC, and promote a campus in which everyone can succeed and belong. At the first meeting it was quite clear that Mental Health was high on everyone’s agenda, so we have set that as our main focus for 2016. We plan to run some seminars about the different aspects of mental health and include some activities such as mindfulness sessions in which students can participate. We aim to reduce stigma around mental health on campus, and better promote the services that exist for those in need at UC.

THURSDAYS IN BLACK ‘Thursdays in Black’ is an international campaign that raises awareness about violence and consent. SWAG has launched TIB at UC, and will build up the campaign to engage and educate the community about violence and consent.

AT A GLANCE: •

•

Tom (Law/Foundry) - MONO has taken over, bringing fresh artists every week. Last Thursday the Foundry D-Floor was frothing at full Cheyenne (Sport/Canta) – Tertiary games has kicked off and is under full swing for 2016! Chanuka (Commerce/ Communications) - Commerce faculty continuing to diversify and introducing new courses and the debate on the representation model is about to hit full stride! Johnny (Post Graduate/Sustainability) - Providing the framework for the UCSA to be a sustainable and progressively eco-friendly organization.

14 { CANTA 2016 - ISSUE 4}

SWAG meet fortnightly and now are well established to have a successful 2016.

V-PLATE DEALS Have we got a special V-Plate deal for you... Swipe your V-Plate at The Shilling Club for 10% off EVERYTHING (even takeaway coffees)! Make sure you spend your upcoming study week at Uni, to take full advantage of a mean coffee deal! Send suggestions for deals YOU want to see to engineering@ucsa.org.nz

•

• •

•

Mike (Engineering/Food & Beverage) - Introducing a wider range of food options to suit all students, and making it more affordable via V-Plate deals! Get in The Shilling Club for a 10% discount for the next few weeks! Chris (Arts/Events) - Winterlude is coming! Stefanie (Science/Small Clubs) Building clubs up by teaching them the ins and outs of the services the UCSA provides. Espoir (Education/Special Interest Clubs) - Education Faculty is developing new strategies to increase student numbers in several courses by reviewing and amending assessment

WINTERLUDE IS COMING Work is well underway on the 2016 Winterlude re-orientation festival. Two weeks of events and activities are planned beginning Monday 11th July - day one of semester two. Make sure you chuck it in your calendar! And keep an eye out on Facebook for the official launch! Winterlude is coming!

•

• •

•

and points requirements. Emily (Advocacy & Welfare/SWAG) The student wellbeing advisory group is providing valuable feedback and ideas to the executive. Jacob (Finance) - If it don’t make dollars it don’t make sense. Mikaela (VP) - The student wellbeing advisory group is fostering ideas and discussion around ways to make UC more about success and belonging. James (President) - It’s a crazy term with UCSA Building, Fundraising campaign and Constitution re-writing all picking up speed!

{WATCHDOG}

C A N TA’ S E X E C W AT C H D O G

C A N TA’ S I N D E P E N D E N T R E P O R T O N T H E U C S A AGM MAKES QUORUM The UCSA AGM was held on the 17th of May. Approximately 150 mildly interested students turned up to the mercifully short affair. The UCSA required a quorum of 120 students to make key changes to the constitution – all of which were passed. The key amendments were (in laymen’s terms): 1) Allowing all UC students - not just those who are expressly members of the UCSA - to vote in the UCSA elections

For those of you who are interested, the real issue with the timetable API is that we are relying on a 4th party (is that a thing?) to support it. You’d think that the app would directly call the UC servers to pull your timetable info? It doesn’t. The original UCSA app included a bespoke API that called the UC servers to authenticate each login and pull individual timetables. When the new app was built we had to (due to various constraints) continue to use the original API from the old app. Lost? Here’s a pixelated diagram of how ROUGHLY it works.

2) Making the President of the UCSA the default student representative on the UC Council

Dear Canta,

If you’d like an update on our progress with any of our actual campaign policies I’d be happy to give you some content, just let me know which one you’d like an update on.

EXEC ELECTION PROMISES: 1.

24 hour access rooms.

A support network for clubs.

3. Ideally, our friends at UC would build and support a timetable API our app could access directly – one that allowed you to be logged in 4. permanently. Stay tuned for that!

The UCSA app was redesigned earlier this year by local Christchurch company TimeZoneOne. They were also behind the redesign of the new UCSA website. The new app has several features the old one didn’t – newsfeeds, access to events, click through to bookings etc – while continuing to allow students to access their UC timetable. There is little doubt that the timetable feature is the key draw card for the app, but it also seems to be the biggest cause of criticism at the moment. The majority of complaints we’ve heard are around the ‘annoying’ requirement to manually log in each time you want to view the timetable. Rest assured, we have spoken to the developer about our options to improve this situation. We’ll let you know as soon as we have some news.

To clarify, this was never a campaign promise one of us mentioned it as a throwaway one liner at the end of a blurb in a joking context.

Disappointing. But we can’t stay mad at that face.

UCSA APP

------------

Sorry to disappoint you but we have no intention of trying to bring 2 ply toilet paper on campus - our sustainability rep would be out for blood if we did this.

Cheers Tom Tappin

Canta will report more on these changes closer to the election.

We have received several complaints regarding the new UCSA app this year, and have withdrawn our ‘tick of approval’ from the list of delivered campaign promises. We put the issues to the Exec’s communications rep, Chanuka De Silva, and received this reply.

Hi Canta

Student forums and blog for the rebuild of UCSA building. A bus on Saturday night that takes people from the Foundry into town.

Cafes open longer hours.

Communal vegetable garden.

SOS Chargers project ( rentable chargers, headphones, etc...)

Introduce a sustainability portfolio.

An interfaculty sports tournament.

10. Redesigned social sport competition. 11. 2 Ply toilet paper. not happenin’

2 PLY TOILET PAPER Canta also put the issue of the much anticipated 2-ply toilet paper to Exec member Tom Tappin. His response:

12. Independent CANTA. 13. A good UCSA app. 14. A modernised UCSA website. 15. V-Plate food and beverage deals.

{ CANTA 2016 - ISSUE 4}

{DEBATE}

FREE EDU

TOP

YES

One of the main arguments for saddling us with student debt is that we will make more money as a consequence of our education, and so we should pay for it. When everything is averaged out this may appear true. However, education does not always equate access to better paying jobs. Those of you who go on to become engineers, lawyers, chartered accountants, civil servants and miscellaneous corporate whores will probably end up earning far more than you would have had you not gone to university. As for the rest of you, it is quite likely you won’t be earning much more than if you hadn’t gone to university at all. Either you will enter a job which you could have got without a tertiary education, such as middle management jobs, real estate, or you’re one of those Tradesoc guys who is going to become a builder after University and make more than the rest of us; or your chosen profession doesn’t pay much more than those

“education does not always equate access to better paying jobs” jobs, such as teaching or nursing. The blanket assumption that education will lead to higher incomes is demonstrably false. Free tertiary education makes the payment of education fairer. As tertiary education is wholly paid for out of taxation, those who earn more will most likely pay for their education through increased tax payments, whereas those who are not economically advantaged will not. This is also fair to those who do not enter tertiary education, as they will have had three to five additional years of earnings. The purpose of tertiary education is also not just to train people to become higher earning economic units in the workforce. Tertiary education primarily exists to ensure the transmission of the corpus of human knowledge to the next generation. That’s why 16 { CANTA 2016 - ISSUE 4}

hen you all finally escape from this tertiary institution (hopefully) with a piece of paper yelling “freedom” at the top of your lungs, you will quickly notice that you aren’t truly free from the burdens of university. You will be saddled with a crippling student loan, with compulsory repayments, which will significantly gnaw into your disposable income even if you aren’t earning that much more. You may have regrets that you picked a degree that you thought would make you more money instead of following a passion. Finally, you may not even be able to purchase a house like our culture expects us to. Free tertiary education will solve our problems.

studying arts or sciences matters despite most of those who leave with a bachelor’s degree in those subjects won’t go on to become historians or physicists. Those who do may not even be adding economic value to the world, but the knowledge that they do add to our collective memory is invaluable, and is an activity that the government should encourage. The private value of education is not solely economic. There is immense private social value in studying something interesting and engaging. When individuals are interested in their studies they are more likely to do well and succeed. They are also more likely to be happier with their studies and complete their qualifications - and less likely to regret studying at all. When tertiary education costs the student, the decisions to enter further education and what to study are framed as economic questions. This means that there are incentives on students to choose courses of study which are perceived to increase private economic value rather than what the student actually wants to do. This is in addition to the social pressure that we unfortunately put on our peers to study “useful” subjects. Those who would have happily studied Classics feel pressured to study a bland BCom in order to justify their borrowing. This pressure is reduced when education is free, allowing students to have a more enjoyable experience studying. Finally, tertiary education costs have a long lasting effect on our lives. The rate of repayment on a student loan reduces our disposable incomes once we enter the workforce. Effectively, it increases our marginal tax rates by 12% once we’re over the threshold. This can make it

more difficult to do simple things like getting a mortgage. One expert I found on the Googles estimated that student loan repayments can reduce the amount you can borrow by up to $50,000. That can be barrier between being able to afford a house and not. It also means that you have a decreased ability to save which further makes it more difficult to get a deposit on a house even if you scrimped, saved and lived like a hermit in the way the New Zealand Herald’s financial experts expect you to. Free tertiary education reduces these barriers allowing young New Zealanders to actually have a life. Tertiary education should not be a burden that churns out miserable, debt ridden, renting economic units. At the very least it should be free. By Bill Dieckermann

{DEBATE}

UCATION

PIC:

oor people don’t go to university. Rich people do. Well, generally anyway. When you raid the budget to make tertiary education free then you’re giving money to the people who go to university, that is, people who are more privileged. We tax progressively to redistribute wealth from the rich to the poor. This policy would act regressively as a subsidy from the poor to the rich: money that should go to aid the underprivileged is instead being spent on subsidising rich kids’ educations to the tune of hundreds of millions of dollars.

If the taxpayers’ purse was bottomless then this policy would probably be a good idea. Student loans are certainly a turn-off for prospective students and this is particularly true for the less well-off. Rich people are more comfortable with debt: if it becomes troublesome then dad can sort it out anyway, so why worry. Debt can be intimidating without that. The underprivileged also tend to be less financially literate, making the whole scheme more confusing. Moreover, rich kids will have all the benefits of being rich: you’ve got a better home environment, Uncle Rob will set you up with an internship, your connections will get you a sweet grad job that pays well. Debt is less scary when you’re more sure of future financial security.

in reality. You only have to repay it when you start earning a moderate amount, and even then it’s only 12% percent of the pay that exceeds this threshold. In almost all cases the additional earning potential you gain from having a tertiary qualification would outpace any repayments by a good amount in the immediacy and by an enormous amount in the long term. Furthermore, student loans are interest free, and inflation causes your loan to deflate in real terms. Combatting loanaverseness through making tertiary education free is heavy-handed. A better way forward would be to educate and inform people about the mechanics of the student loan/allowance system.

However, while the prospect of debt does help repel the underprivileged from tertiary education, it is by no means the salient cause. Moreover, student loan debt isn’t that scary

So why is it that the underprivileged tend to not enter into tertiary education? For me and my upper-middle class school buds, university was a presumed option. Doing something else was barely on the table. When you’re a kid from Flaxmere who’d be the first person to go to university in your family and you’ve been told that uni is not for you, tertiary education is barely a consideration. You’ll likely follow a similar path to most people in your community: get an entry-level part time job, if there are any available that is. Maybe your schools are awful and you haven’t got UE. You have trouble focusing because your home situation is shit and you haven’t eaten a proper meal all week. These are the sorts of things that stop the underprivileged from entering tertiary education.

in less well-off communities to encourage the transition from secondary to tertiary education. Make sure families are better informed about tertiary options. Cover the upfront costs of starting uni. Intervene early in disadvantaged kids’ lives so they have a love of learning. Make sure students are happy, warm, and fed so that they can get the most out of school. These are much better things to spend money on than subsidising my education by another 30 grand.

“When the stakes are lowered, the average student in a course is less driven to succeed” Additionally, subsidising tertiary education would mean that tertiary students would have less skin in the game. This means lessened incentives to study hard and greater incentives to do a useless degree. When the stakes are lowered, the average student in a course is less driven to succeed. This creates a worse learning environment for all. Moreover, when you make tertiary education free, people are more likely to enter qualifications that society doesn’t really need. As Lil’ Marco would say, we need more welders and less philosophers (and apparently a few more English teachers). We should want the best for our society, for it to be more equal and better educated. Making tertiary education free would be an imprecise, inefficient, and inequitable path to this. Indeed, if free tertiary education was the panacea, why haven’t we seen mass migration to Invercargill? After all, it isn’t just The Home Of Zero Fees— it’s More Than Zero Fees. Making everything as free as SIT but not become SIT would be awfully expensive. There are far better things to spend our money on, no matter what your priorities are.

The best way to tackle the inequity in tertiary education enrolment (and particularly university enrolment) is to fund policy that is targeted towards overcoming this inequity. Aggressively fund affirmative action scholarships such that they are plentiful, meaningful, and easy to get. Work with schools and organisations By Matt Amos

{ CANTA 2016 - ISSUE 4}

Your local Skin specialists

Uni students’ first stop for all their beauty needs!

$25 Brazilian Wax (Maintance only &only available with Kari)

Phone: 03 348 8910 Mobile: 021 392322 (txt only) Bush Inn Centre, Cnr Riccarton & Waimari Rd

ONLINE BOOKING AVAILABLE www.accentonnouveau.co.nz

NUTRI GRAIN GIVEAWAY Love the crunch of Nutri-Grain and taste of Ice Coffee?

Now you can enjoy the two together with NutriGrain Ice Break, a brand-new limited edition flavoured breakfast cereal from Kellogg’s. To celebrate its launch, we’re giving a month’s worth of Nutri-Grain Ice Break (20 boxes) to three lucky students and their flatmates! To enter like the Canta Facebook page.

290g packs are available exclusively at New World and Pak ‘n Save for $5.19.

#NutriGrainIceBreak #KelloggsNutriGrain @nutrigrainnz

{POLITICS}

Stop Being Meanies Australia New Zealanders are not really into patriotism. About the closest we got was the flag referendum, when more than two people in your neighbourhood had a flag. However, when it comes to being better than our closest neighbour, we just can’t help it.

ustralia has always had an identity crisis. Aussies like Kiwi things. They stole Phar Lap, Pavlova, Russell Crowe, Split Enz, Crowded House, Dragon, Stan Walker, Lorde and Pineapple Lumps. Despite the many things that the Aussies so desperately want, there is one they can’t wait to boot out of their country – New Zealanders. There are an estimated 300,000 New Zealanders on special visas who call Australia home. These ‘second class’ citizens are refused the benefits that come with permanent residency, despite paying billions in Australian taxes. Recently the media has been made aware of the way that New Zealanders, in particular convicted criminals, have been treated while on Australian soil. On Christmas Island off the coast of Papua New Guinea – which is not Santa Claus’s Pacific holiday home – there is a detention centre for illegal immigrants. The New Zealander criminals on this island have been sent there to await deportation.

Why is it a shit show for many New Zealanders living in Australia? If you are switching from Vegemite to Marmite, you can have it pretty easy. Australians living in New Zealand have the almost the exact same rights as New Zealanders living here. However,

are ANZACS. Shouldn’t we treat each other the same way?’

was a place for everything everyone’s place to come to

Former Prime Minister Tony Abbott & wife Margie Abbott

if you are a Kiwi and you make the decision to cross the ditch, you might as well just call it a holiday. So what’s the deal? Why do they get to throw a shrimp on a barbie in the Bay of The above pearl of wisdom is not a joke; it was Islands and we can’t even get health care? The made by the Australian Ex-Prime Minister Tony problem is this; Australia has one of the strictest immigration policies in the world, despite Abbott. Now boys and girls, if you are ever being built on immigrants – who originally looking for an example of irony for an English weren’t the most savoury people. So here’s a paper, Tony Abbott is a ripe for the picking. few facts. When moving to Australia as a New He is married to a New Zealander and he Zealander you are not entitled to immediate has a lesbian sister. I can’t work that man out. permanent residency. Instead you will have a Only recently has Malcom Turnbull taken the visa that shows you can live, stay and work for reigns after Tony Abbott’s ‘Liberal’ party lost confidence in him. Despite Turnbull building a as long as you like – but you do not have access closer relationship with our leader, he has yet to to any state services. An Australian arriving in New Zealand can apply for permanent make much needed changes to New Zealand residency upon arrival, you just have to display citizen rules. an intention to live here for more than two years. Without being a permanent resident

Australia.’

There is another situation where you are rather screwed. Australians flocked to New Zealand when the Same Sex Marriage Bill was passed in 2013. Australians who were married here have their marriage recognised as legal under

‘We have strong roots. We

‘Jesus knew that there and it’s not necessarily

you cannot get access to range of public services. These include benefits. You must also be a permanent resident before you can apply for citizenship. Until the required two years have passed, a New Zealander in Australia cannot apply for permanent residency. In New Zealand Australian citizens have access to all state services - they have the same rights as a permanent resident. However, if you are an Australian resident in New Zealand you do not get these unless you intend to stay for two years - but emergency healthcare is still available.

New Zealand law, but as soon as they return it is not official in Australia. So not only are our pals in power next door mistreating Kiwis, but also their own citizens. We have strong roots. We are ANZACS. Shouldn’t we treat each other the same way? I think instead of 100% Pure New Zealand, a more appropriate title is 1000% not Australia. Look, Australia is a great place. I’ve been there a few times. They have great beaches and Miranda Kerr. But they fail to recognise what makes them truly great – us. So I think I’ll stick to my continuous lack of sun and flightless birds. By Liam Stretch If you have any comments or questions email: editor@ucpols.co.nz { CANTA 2016 - ISSUE 4}

{RESEARCH PROFILE}

Research Profile:

Evolution of a PHD with spinal cord injuries F

rom a young age my philosophy was to never let fear get in the way of doing what I loved. I worked and played hard. I became proficient at ignoring pain and my deteriorating coordination until, in 1992, while working as a technical writer, I was diagnosed with RSI.

benefits...By the end of each session I could see how it actually worked. I could see the benefits in better rotation or better movement” and “I’ve seen it happen and I do find it amazing”. One participant with tetraplegia commented “I’ve been in a chair 22 years now and have never ever thought about using those or even knew that they were there that sort of mobility in your ribs and spine and things like that …so I’m definitely feeling some benefits.”

My condition worsened and, by 1998, I had severe fibromyalgia which caused constant unremitting pain and difficulties with movement. I struggled with walking, talking, swallowing, writing and the activities of daily living. I couldn’t work and was looked after by my mother. I longed to return to work. I would dream that I was at work, and then wake up, in pain, with no clear way ahead.

‘I struggled with walking, talking, swallowing, writing and the activities of daily living’ I explored many approaches to my recovery without success until I came across the Feldenkrais Method®, a form of movement education. Not only was it effective, it was fun and, over 17 years later, my movement continues to improve. I was so impressed that I trained to become a Feldenkrais practitioner. Then, in 2005 I was asked by the family of a young man with a spinal cord injury (SCI) if I would work with him. This was a whole new beginning - more and more people with SCIs asked me to work with them. Initially I was treated with skepticism but

20 { CANTA 2016 - ISSUE 4}

Participants also reported improvements in balance and control. For example, one commented “before I could counterbalance for a brief point and then I’d have to brace. I can counterbalance for much longer now”. There have been some glitches on the way - earthquakes, a minor head injury, an uninhabitable home and most of my as clients reported improvements in movement possessions damaged. Throughout everything the University of Canterbury has been a rock. and sensation and reductions in pain and spasticity, I started getting referrals from the Burwood Spinal Unit. On 1 September 2010 I enrolled part-time in a PhD in Health Sciences with encouragement from friends from the New Zealand Spinal Trust. One of them described my PhD as groundbreaking, little knowing that three days later the ground literally would break. My supervisors, both heads of departments, were flat-out solving earthquake -related problems. Keen to begin my PhD, I searched through the rubble (figuratively) until I found a librarian who helped They have provided me with invaluable help me start the next stage of my journey. from the Disability Resource Service, my The aim of my PhD is to develop and evaluate a supervisors and the School of Health Sciences, Feldenkrais programme for people with SCI. In awarded me with a Scholarship for Students 2014 I ran the programme for the first time with with Disabilities and given me a chance to five people with long-term SCI. Those involved realise my dreams. described the programme as “really good”, I’m now recruiting for the final phase of my “awesome”, “excellent” and as definitely PhD. I’m looking for people with SCI to having “real relevance”. One participant, injured over 20 years ago, commented “crikey attend the programme. They need to be able to get on and off the floor, and be able why didn’t I do this a looong time ago”. to communicate effectively and understand The principles of the method challenge some English instructions. traditional ideas. A key feature is minimising By Cindy Allison effort and increasing body awareness to improve ease and range of movement. They were surprised at how effective this was, making My contact details are: Email: lucinda.allison@pg,canterbury.ac.nz comments such as “I was initially surprised Phone: (03) 3667 001 ext 8397 by how little you needed to do to get the University of Canterbury PHD student Cindy Allison

{CLUB PROFILE}

CLUBS ON CAMPUS:

OPSOC

“As long as they are appropriately dressed” How do you define a club like OpSoc? A “safe haven for rinsers” appears to be the answer. But as soon as I wrote this down the club president, Hugh Baird, called me on it.

On the subject of events, Friday the thirteenth saw the club hold their first ever charity art auction. According to Baird,

“As long as they are appropriately dressed.” This is very important. If you want to join this club, don’t wear the good threads. Each item of clothing should have three previous owners, at a minimum. OpSoc is a club for likeminded people to come together and have fun. 580 of them according to the latest membership list. There is no agenda, there is no ulterior motive. It is just a club for people who love unique events, and spinning contributors were split between so-called “artists of talent and non-talent”. Notable yarns in the comfort of their extra-large highlights included two dollar beers and a Hawaiian shirts. painting of a Mexican wrestler that looked

suspiciously like everyone’s favourite albino squirrel. The first artwork sold for $13. The last reached $420. This culminated in a one thousand dollar donation to charity. Quite an achievement considering the crowd were almost exclusively students. Right now the club are ramping up for their annual undie run in third term, before turning their attention to the legendary OpSoc ball. Amongst all this they’re looking for a first year rep. So if you’re friends mock your style, and mothballs make you smile, why not get in touch? by Mac Stevenson OpSoc can be reached on their Facebook page: fb.com/ opsoc.canterbury

CLUBS ON CAMPUS:

UCCC

“sweat, river water, goon and adrenalin” UCCC is not for the faint hearted. From the wild haired rockers to the shaven hippy, their members are able to pull off almost any hair style imaginable. Few, if any would dare to enter their lair. I did. It turns out that their lair is not quite the horrific place I thought it would be.

The night is spent by the light of a raging fire, drinking goon from a bootie. Not a bottle. Not a sack. A bootie.

(true yarn). The club is infectious and fun, with the people only too willing to shave your head and give you yarns to take to your grandchildren with.

Brightly coloured kayaks and paddles lie among smelling life jackets and the carcass of a once great spray skirt. The scent of fear clings to everything. That and sweat, river water, goon and adrenalin. It is a fun time. What is better than floating (read: thrashing) down a calm (read: raging) river on a sunny (read: stormy) day? Add a few waves bigger than a club captain’s yarns, some mean rapids, and then retire to a beautiful beach.

from experience, I highly recommend you all go on; the combined bus trip with the Snow Sports club; the canoe polo where “you get to cuss out the local high schools”

$20 to join. Totally worth it. by Mac Stevenson Email: captain@uccc.org.nz Website: http://uccc.org.nz/

UCCC events are truly… eventful. There’s the frequent beginners trip they run which,

{ CANTA 2016 - ISSUE 4}

REVEREND

{SPANKY}

idday. My name’s Rev Spanky Moore, and I’m the Chaplain at UC.

One of Jesus’ more famous bumpers stickers reads, “blessed are the peacemakers”. And so one of the things us chaplains pride ourselves on is being the “peacemakers” on campus. Whenever two people or parties are at war over their differences, we do our best to help create the space to clear the air, find common ground, and to hear each other out. In an age of anonymous trolling and virtual flaming, this is no easy task. So starting with this issue of Canta, I’m going to try an experiment. Each issue I’ll host two groups of people from UC with opposing views or bad blood to come to my place at the Department of Spiritual Engineering for high tea and a friendly chat to see if we can find any common ground. What could possibility go wrong, right?

Asher the Vegan: Never. Or dairy. As you can see I have a crippling protein deficiently and can barely move… Joel the Hunter: Wow. That’s pretty epic Bonnie the Vegan: His family is very well known in the vegan community. He’s like vegan royalty. Joel the Hunter: So If you smell bacon in a café, do you still get a strong craving?

‘It’s the thrill of the chase rather than the thrill of the kill… But there’s still something primal in hunting’

Asher the Vegan: Yeah – I get that meat tastes good. And yes, it smells good. But to me I don’t want to form a moral opinion based on my own inclinations. Because you could say the same case for humans – what if babies tasted really really good? And people were like “Why not try this baby sandwich?” EVERYONE LAUGHS, AND THE SOCIAL WALLS BEGIN TO CRUMBLE

The only condition was that the vegans provided the snacks.

Asher the Vegan: We just eat food - like a social club. We meet up and do pot lucks and go out to restaurants together. It was dormant for quite a few years – and we just revamped it and got it going again this year. Bonnie the Vegan: I started being vegan a year or so ago. But I haven’t been vegan for my entire life like Asher Joel the Hunter: And you’ve never had meat Asher? 22 { CANTA 2016 - ISSUE 4}

Joel the Hunter: Well, the truth about hunting is that we spend a lot more time walking in the hills and looking at the mountains than actually killing stuff. Elliot the Hunter: You don’t have a choice really. Because you don’t see animals 99% of the time. So you have to keep yourself preoccupied by enjoying nature. Bonnie the Vegan: Yeah I’ve heard that with fishing as well. That a lot of the time it’s just because fishermen want to be out enjoying nature. Joel the Hunter: I think that’s the most important thing. I don’t want to give off the impression that I enjoy killing everything that moves – because that’s just not the case. We’re more in it for the hunt than the killing. It’s quite primal I guess.

For our first High Tea I invited Joel and Elliot, two hunters and keen members of HUNTSoc to catch up with Asher and Bonnie, two vegans who help run the Vegetarian Club at UC (VCUC).

Joel the Hunter: So, umm, what does the Vegetarian Club do together?

a stigma. I think with any fringe community it will attract a lot of outliners and extremists. So it’s also very easy for people on the outside to judge an entire community by the few extremists on the inside. So yeah, you really want to promote the image that we’re not all crazy.

Elliot the Hunter: So what made you want to switch over Bonnie, since you haven’t been vegan your whole life? Bonnie the Vegan: I went to volunteer for SAFE and everyone was a vegetarian. I was wanting to break into dog pounds but they were like, “No – the easiest way to help animals is to stop eating them.” Until then I hadn’t really thought about it at all. Asher the Vegan: I think the way we can make the biggest change is to make ourselves seem like normal people. There is defiantly

Elliot the Hunter: When you kill an animal, it’s more about the tradition. The feeling of success. When you do finally get home and you see a full freezer, and you did it all by yourself – it’s super satisfying. Bonnie the Vegan: Now - I’m not saying this in a really judgey way – but I’m such a pussy when it comes to animals. Is it really hard to kill one? That’s the most confusion I have because I can’t resonate with that at all. Joel the Hunter: Well, I really don’t like killing insects. Which is ridiculous. And I know that doesn’t sound logical at all, but I see insects, because they’re so small, as really being helpless. But nine out of 10 times animals get

{SPANKY}

away. Not that that justifies killing them, but there’s something about them being bigger that for absolutely no reason at all makes sense in my mind. Asher the Vegan: But do the means justify the ends? Like, to get that feeling of satisfaction, like that feeling of seeing that freezer full and knowing you’ve done it yourself – is it really necessary to end the life of a sentient animal? AWKWARD SILENCE Joel the Hunter: I’ll let you answer this one Elliot… MORE AWKWARD SILENCE Elliot the Hunter: It’s funny. That feeling is stronger than you think. You’d be surprised how eager you stay… I mean, you work so hard. And it’s your passion. If I was just doing it for meat and I didn’t get it every time I wouldn’t do it. Joel the Hunter: But in terms of the ends justifying the means… I think that’s hard. Because do I think what I do is really good? No. But at the same time do I think it’s really bad? I don’t think it’s really bad… I do think it’s a bit rough. I can see we have a rifle and binoculars – we have a distinct advantage. Hmmm, do I think it’s necessary? No. Not at all. But I don’t have a really good answer for you as to why I think hunting is perfectly fine. Bonnie the Vegan: But I think a lot of it comes down to – not to put words in your mouth – but the fact that you really do enjoy it, right?

Joel the Hunter: Yeah. It’s the thrill of the chase rather than the thrill of the kill… But there’s still something primal in hunting.

Bonnie the Vegan: Yeah – I slaughter all them carrots! All day every day. I love to snap the carrots necks!

Elliot the Hunter: When you walk along barren land for hours and think, “Nothing can survive here… bacteria can’t survive here!” then you see a deer!

Joel the Hunter: But I am curious about where you guys draw the line? When it comes to using animals for medical testing and all that…

Joel the Hunter: You spend so much time just watching them. Because they’re beautiful! Heaps of old hunters actually retire into photography… because you’re just shooting with a camera rather than a rifle.

Bonnie the Vegan: I’m doing my Masters in animal behaviour - and my take is, I think sure it was necessary to test on animals decades ago, and sure we’ve progressed in science because of animal testing. But when it comes to allergy testing and drug safety we don’t need to use animals. We can use things like organ chips. The thing is with veganism people always think, “If you can’t save 100% of animals there’s no point trying to save any.” But if you can reduce it even by a tiny amount then it’s still worthwhile.

Asher the Vegan: Look - I play violent video games a fair amount – because it’s just pixels on a screen. And I get that there is a deep biological need to be masculine and hunt something down – to be #1 or whatever – but I think it can be obtained in non-violent means. I used to go climbing a lot – and often we’d share huts with lots of hunters and we’d both be doing the same thing - appreciating the beauty but in different ways. I’d be getting that adrenaline rush by climbing stuff, rather than pulling a trigger. I guess it’s two ways to get the same feeling of triumph.

‘I slaughter all them carrots!

Elliot the Hunter: The enjoyment is not pulling the trigger. I enjoy shooting. I enjoy going to the target range and shooting watermelons and seeing them explode. But pulling the trigger is definitely more like [sigh of relief] “phew, it’s done.”

All day every day. I love to snap the carrots necks!’

Asher the Vegan: Have you ever shot an animal and it’s still alive when you get there? Elliot the Hunter: There’s this one time – and I’ve looked back on it so badly – and I shot this animal and thought I’d killed it straight away. And it had run down and was still alive and I’d shot the leg and I was like “awwwwww.” Eventually I shot it and killed it – but it was a super big learning curve. Bonnie the Vegan: But was that moment of killing it up close an adrenalin rush? Elliot the Hunter: No, no, no. That was terrible. I felt so guilty. And every hunter I ever talk to says they never forget the time they’ve shot and cocked it up. You feel soooooo bad. You get a real gut wrenching feeling. Asher the Vegan: That’s kinda nice to break down the wall – that people enjoy killing the animals. For me, I definitely can resonate a lot more than you want to end the suffering as quick as possible, than with factory farmed meat.

Joel the Hunter: So in terms of things in common, we both take issue with factory farming. Like, it just pisses me off when people who aren’t vegetarian and who eat meat criticise hunting – it’s this strange thing that it’s like once meat is plastic wrapped and enters the freezer that it’s no longer an animal anymore. Asher the Vegan: There’s this cognitive dissidence there I think. But the bottom line is you vote with your dollar. And if your paying for that – your paying for an animal to go through that process. In hunting, at least your seeing what your doing, and giving it a quick and painless death. Rather than just pretending there’s this invisible barrier.

Asher the Vegan: I think something like 4 out of 5 people who convert to veganism convert back, so I’m always really cautious about sending the message that you have to go 100% vegan. But it’s about reducing demand as much as you feel comfortable with. Spanky the Chaplain: SO HUNTERS, WHAT HAVE YOU LEARNT ABOUT VEGANS TODAY? Joel the Hunter: I think I realised that it’s more about finding an alternative than never ever harming animals. And I would agree with that. Elliot the Hunter: And I don’t know any vegans – so now I know two. And I’ve learnt everything. Spanky the Chaplain: AND VEGANS, WHAT HAVE YOU LEARNT ABOUT HUNTERS? Asher the Vegan: I’ve definitely learnt that you’re not all crazy, gun totting red necks. Bonnie the Vegan: Like the guys on Tinder with photos holding up this bloody dead thing. I’m always thinking - surely no-one is gonna swipe right with a photo like that…

Elliot the Hunter: And I guess we both kill our own food… { CANTA 2016 - ISSUE 4}

{FEATURE PROFILE}

Nick Chrisp and Will Thomas, also known as the young talented badass duo of SACHI, have been making big waves in the world of electronic music. After winning the Red Bull Studio Remix Competition in 2015, they have quickly become internationally recognised artists through hits like “No More” and “Hold On”. Canta sat down with the two surprisingly young DJ-producers head of their upcoming MONO Nights gig. At only 18-years-old(?) you guys have achieved so much already – how did all of this get started for you?   We both have always been into music, we played in bands at around 10 years old and then we both started making and producing music individually. We have always been real close mates and thought one day ‘why don’t we just do it together? What’s the dynamic like between the two of you? Have you always been best friends?   Yeah, we have always been really good friends. When we work on a projects we tend to bounce off each other. What were you like at school? The cool kids? The jocks? The weird music guys? We weren’t like the popular kids, we both aren’t very sporty. We were kinda like...

super normal people? Like you know we did the normal stuff, woke up at 8:00am, school by 9:00am in the morning, and get back at round 3:15pm So you could say we were…. very neutral haha! At only 17-years-old you won the Red Bull Studios competition, where you had to produce your own remix of PNC’s original “The Codes”. How long did it take you to create your winning remix? That one was pretty quick, I think Will nutted out most of it in like a week and then I (Nick) did my thing after. So it took around 2 weeks. Normally in remix competitions they try to turn them around real quick, so you kinda have to mash it out before 3 weeks. What was it like when you find out you’d won? And what do you think it did for your career?  We were like listening to the radio, and they announced the winner live on air. We didn’t think we were going to win at all, but PNC and the radio host were like, ‘were just gonna play the song and after announce who it was who remixed it.’’ Then we heard the piano at the start of the song and was like “Oh! Oh shit, like that’s our song!” And then the radio host was like, “…and the winner is…Flume.” And we were like, “what the heck?” But nah, he corrected it saying, “Sorry! Yeah it was SACHI.” It was pretty cool to hear PNC talk about our remix and it was just basically rad to hear that from him, and how much he vibed it. Many people won’t realise that while you’re blowing up overseas (and in NZ) you’re currently studying down at Dunedin. How do you make the time

24 { CANTA 2016 - ISSUE 4}

for music, studies and keeping up the character as a scarfie?  Our university timetable isn’t that full, so it gives us a lot of time to spend that time on music. It’s really all about balance.

“Oh! Oh shit, like that’s our song!” And then the radio host was like, “…and the winner is…Flume.” Do other students know who you are? Do they point and stare in the library?    Nah, like no one has really stopped us on the street and been like “wow!” But we do get people saying how much they like the new song and our other track. I don’t know if many people care enough yet haha! We do hear our song getting played in a few flats, but apart from that it has been pretty chill. It is so cool that people come up to us and say that they really like our music. We heard you were already famous in Otago before you got down there. Is it true that you played at Otago Orientation last year – but were underage at the time, so you couldn’t even have a beer afterwards?! They ran it real well, and like there was no way we were drinking… at the venue haha. But, nah it was a real fun show! Dunedin is a cool place to be, which is why we choose to study here. Back to the professional stuff: one of your

biggest achievements has to be hearing your music being played on the hit radio show Triple J. How did that happen? Our earliest song ‘Goddess’ got played on there randomly. Their lunchtime presenter started playing our song and was tweeting live that they were playing it. Hearing that we were like, “Oh shit! That’s our song!” Another presenter called KLP who runs the night show has been supporting our new singles ‘Hold On’ and ‘No More’ by playing it frequently on the show, which has been really awesome. Last year you performed at Rhythm and Vines, was that your biggest event to date? Did you get any chance to get amongst the crowd and see any other acts?  Um, it’s kinda hard to say as it would be between Rhythm and Vines vs Rudimental. At Rhythm and Vines we debuted the live set, so we performed all of our music live, which was a real special one for us. We had a lot of our friends in the crowd and a lot of people who came out to see us, which was way more than what we were expecting. We stayed for the full three days and saw a lot of acts, but our favorite set of the festival was R.L.Grime.

As if all of that wasn’t enough, Diplo famously played your track ‘No More’ on his US radio show. How did your music end up in his hands? I hear it’s a good story… Yeah, we are real lucky for him to get behind our track. When he was here with Major Lazer last year, me and Will were both following his SnapChat. He was Snapchatting that he was in Ponsonby, and he happened to be driving out of this restaurant. We kinda waved him down and passed through the car’s window our CD, then he just drove off haha!. It was a real quick interaction, but like three months later he played our tracks ‘No More’ and ‘Hold On.’ And now for the biggest moment of your career: you’re playing at UC as part of MONO nights! Have you ever been to The Foundry? What have you heard? We have never been to The Foundry before, but we have seen photos from previous

Tell us more about Rudimental – are you big fans? Yeah, cause they are really well established and have been around for like five years. So we are real familiar with their tracks and the stuff they have done with artists like Ed Sheeran. I mean, their live acts are crazy! It was a fun aspect for us as people were singing along to our songs and for us it was like… this is really happening. It was awesome.

What are the projects you’re working? Or are you pretending study your main priority?   We’ve got ‘Your EP’ Lunch With Bianca coming out in the next month or so, so we are trying to finish that up. It’s going to be big for us as it’s got five new tracks. Were pumped to be getting that out! Were also doing a few remixes and thinking about a possible tour around the country. What’s your plan for SACHI world domination over the next few years?

acts that have played there. It looks sick! I just remember this photo of The Foundry’s sloping roof for some reason, haha. It is going to be rad once we get there!

Quickfire 5

We just want to grow as artists and as people. I mean, traveling would be such a good way to see the world! Traveling overseas would be such an inspiring experience. Overall we just want to make really well rounded tracks and projects that are at that level of being inspiring to people!

Describe your personal style in one word: Nick: High Will: Sporty-Causal

Best gig you’ve ever done: Nick: Rhythm and Vines Will: Rhythm and Vines

Musical hero? Nick: Pharrell Williams Will: Pharrell Williams

Most famous person you’ve met?   Nick: Skrillex Will: Skrillex

Fame or money? Nick: Money Will: Money

An interview by Shannon Costello

{ CANTA 2016 - ISSUE 4}

{FLAT TOUR}

L I F E AT ROUNTREE Josh ‘Drain Clogger’ Erickson Jamie ‘Bread’ Crum-escaped a broken childhood

Yuki ‘Token Diversity’ Shimahara

Callum ‘Money Bags’ Lott

[FAZE}-xXx_Mark 360_NoScope_ nootnoot_Nicholls__#420_ xXx blz it fgt- Online Nows 1v1 irl m9 do the dew Martin ‘It a Bean’ Hales

Jono ‘Winnie Blues’ Sorely Doesn’t actually live here. Hugh Baird Photography

aving been holed up here for two and a half years now, this is the place we truly call home. Over the years we’ve really made it our own, a hub of harmonious living and peaceful residency tucked into a junk laden, leafy section. It’s just beautiful. Family values are what hold the eight of us together. Dinner is always ready at 6:30 and the dusting is always done. This filthy setup boasts seven bedrooms, a shower dome, Callums mum’s Netflix account and twin basil 26 { CANTA 2016 - ISSUE 4}

plants named baz and bazz. There really is something for everybody. We make our own fun, despite having averaged approximately 0.5 redcards per year. Flat dinner time viewing favourites include Life, narrated by the timeless David Attenborough, The Pyramid Code, Deadliest Catch, One Punch Man, and the source of most of the flat chat, The Big Lez Show. Listening pleasures usually involve Kanye or forms of dirty trap.

{FLAT TOUR}

“a hub of harmonious living and peaceful residency tucked into a junk laden, leafy section”

Outdoor living-feat. wood drier than Yuki’s chat.

Al fresco ablutions-a poo with a view.

Classy and tasteful wine and cheese evenings.

Intellectual stimulation in the library.

Games and Activities.

Resident disk Jawline‘ drops the regular. call: 027 346

jockey ‘DJ mixes on For hires 3753

We’re also a bike gang-known as the ‘Mumen Riderz’.

WANT TO SEE YOUR F L AT I N C A N TA ? ! Netflix and Chill with the boys on the corner couch.

Contact: canta@canta.co.nz { CANTA 2016 - ISSUE 4}

{OPINION}

GOO D G O D A Parable Regarding the Spiritual Negligence of Millennial Hipsters An opinion piece by Ollie O’Connell

Atheists! Your time of sour grapes ends now!

assume you’re not.

I can best describe it as misinformed swagger. Science exists, I know; as a closeted astrophysicists myself, I’m aware that conventional Christian beliefs are incompatible with modern realities. Yet that doesn’t mean faith – my perception of it anyway - cannot sit simultaneously with science and liberal thinking at the theoretical table. Nothing upsets me more than atheists strutting around like they intellectually know better. “Peasants! People come from apes, not Adams!” Thanks Darwin, I know. But believing that you’re (ironically) God’s gift to earth, that you possess the inside scoop, makes you more dodgy than Judas; and he is very dodgy!

Therefore my God is not necessarily an external entity, but an internal inspiration. Before my mother’s revelation, I prayed for outcomes (such as the All Blacks to win the 2011 Rugby World Cup. Thanks God...?), but quickly learnt praying for a jet-ski was futile. Instead I looked at what I had and was grateful. Now, prayer to me – which I still do sporadically – is an exercise of reassurance. ‘Prayer’ as a word is associated with religion and hence consequential aversion by the general youth. Use a different word: reflection, meditation, philosophizing; those times you consider life’s biggest mysteries in the shower or while sprawled in bed; similar concept. Try it. Don’t ask for a jet-ski, motivate yourself to earn one.

Because whether you realize it or not, you believe in God; just not the one you think. See, faith is completely personal; my God is different to yours, and yours to mine. Problem arises when all these philosophical hipsters start visualizing Santa Claus in the sky. Some egotistical and obsessive anthropomorphic being with intentions, opinions and omnipotent power over all things. My God is none of those things. Perhaps if I explain mine, it’ll be easier to understand your own individual fabrication. Entering my first year if Catholic education, I approached my mum confused and spiritually lost. Do we leave HIM milk and cookies? I had no clue, but students and teachers at school sure loved this God fellow. The following advice she provided me has been the fundamental piece of my beliefs since: “Add another O”, she said, “God is good” [Insert explosion here]. Mind blown. See you may not believe in an Omni-deity – a being you love to point out seemingly allows suffering and misery to occur - but you do (I hope) believe in good. Treating someone with respect, staying humble, being honest, overall living by righteous values; these things are synonymous with good - my interpretation of God. Traditional Christians attach an elaborate back story that involves forbidden fruit, and snakes, but the foundational message – to be good to people – is consistent and compatible with your ethical perspective and way of life. Unless you’re a dick-head of course, but let’s 28 { CANTA 2016 - ISSUE 4}

“‘God is good’ [Insert explosion here]. Mind blown.” Naysayers point to the Bible as a primary source of Christian absurdity. And I would agree with them. Aside from the obvious shenanigans of possible X-Man Jesus walking on water and having regenerative healing powers wolverine style; venture deeper into the Good Book and you’ll find even crazier stories. Like that one in 2 Kings that a prophet was called ‘baldy’ by a group of children so in revenge he summoned two bears to maul forty-two of them. Nevertheless, of the approximately 73 books that compile the Catholic Bible, I find one is legitimately suitable for a generation of cynical millennial like ourselves; my favorite chapter: the Book of Ecclesiastes. Himself struggling with the concept of God, this philosopher-king takes an interesting literary journey. This guy’s first line is “life is useless.” Depressing start, definitely not promising, and it continues to be truly down for a number of pages – “Everything leads to weariness – a weariness too great for words” – but buried within its pessimism is some philosophical, and relevant gems. Instagram thanks you for the #inspiration quotes: • “So I realized that all we can do is to be happy and do the best we can while we are still alive. All of us should eat drink

and enjoy what we have worked for” (3:12). Party it up! Don’t ask for more gifts, binge what you have. Enjoy thy fruits of labor. • “It is better to have wise people reprimand you than to have stupid people sing your praises” (7:5). Translation: smart haters are going to hate, dumb haters gonna hate – ignore the latter. • “Wisdom does more for a person than ten rulers can do for a city” (7:19). But what if I had ten Gerry Brownlees…? • “It is better to listen to the quiet words of a wise person than to the shouts of a ruler at a council of fools. Wisdom does more good than weapons, but one sinner can undo a lot of good” (9:18). Making Trump jokes is low-hanging fruit at this point, but Ecclesiastes has straight-up 2000 years ago predicted Trumps victory at the Republican Convention and proceeding Presidential race and the consequential nuclear fallout; all in one quote! • “No matter which direction a tree falls, it will lie where it fell. When the clouds are full, it rains” (11:3). WHAT?? • “It is better to go to a home where there is mourning than to one where there is a party, because the living should always remind themselves that death is waiting for us all” (7:2). Wow, that is depressing. I have nothing to say but :( • “Advice to young people: enjoy your youth. Be happy while you are still young. Do what you want to do, and follow your heart’s desire” (11:9). Makes you all warm and fuzzy. See, you agree with at least 0.00001 of the Bible. Hypocrite! Well, that was an adventure. A conversation about the true nature of God, what it means to pray, and an analytical breakdown of a Biblical book. Ark you Noah entertained! Your opinion probably hasn’t changed, and that’s fine. For my sake though, ponder this: You can’t see the wind, but you know it’s there; you see its effects. Likewise, you cannot see God, but you absolutely witness his presence. People do good things, and you presumably do to. Continue to do so. As Ecclesiastes says, “Go ahead – eat your food and be happy; drink your wine and be cheerful. Enjoy life; enjoy every useless day of it.”

{COLUMNS}

U N I T ED P L A T E S O F F O O D By the United Plates Crew

We are the United Plates of Food. We go by; Nebraskebab, Baconetticut, Waffleaska, Mississipeas, and finally, Oklahummus. Here is our story about our journey to a BYO restaurant… Have you ever looked at a pile of Chinese food and thought ‘gosh, this would go well with a lukewarm bottle of Sauvignon Blanc’? We hadn’t either. With us we brought a wide range of fine wines; from $8.99 white wine, all the way to $12.99 white wine. Upon arrival, it was discovered that Nebraskebab was actually incapable of using chopsticks, which made us look awfully uncultured. He is from Blenheim, so we weren’t entirely surprised. Only minutes into the dining experience it had already become a valuable learning experience.

United Plates of Food’s top tip for BYO dining is pop the cork on a bottle of sparkling wine directly into the ceiling. It quickly makes an embarrassing scene - meaning the staff serve you quicker, in order to get you out quicker. We hardly had to wait for food. It was great. We ordered several dishes. Don’t get us wrong, they were great – but only one is worthy of our time. The duck. People protest about duck rights, but have you ever tried duck? Two words: fucking amazing. Every single one of us who tried this glorious duck has basically had wet dreams about it since. As we devoured the succulent half duck our attention was brought to a large group of tipsy elderly patrons sitting a couple of tables over from us. It warmed our hearts to know that BYO Chinese dining is fun across

multiple generations. Well, not entirely. The dine-in couple beside us quickly turned their meal into takeaways. There was a let down. Surprise, surprise, the restaurant does not cater to people who are allergic to fucking everything. This was the case for Oklahummus. A requirement for the BYO was to order at least $10 of food – this was impossible for poor Oklahummus, when the establishment refused to simply steam vegetables for her. This incident led to the biggest disappointment of our night; a dish of sticky garlic mushrooms that looked like it had been regurgitated by a vegan. Until next time, the United Plates crew xx

U S PR ES I D EN T I A L P O T E N T I A L S A cheat sheet by Tom Kennedy

What’s Happening Now? The American political process can be a bit more confusing than ours. For the last few months candidates from both parties, Republican and Democrat, have been squabbling amongst themselves for the right to represent their party in the race to the White House. This is called ‘the primary process’ – and it has pretty much finished. Unless there is some catastrophic upset, the presidential race will be Republican Donald Trump vs Democrat Hillary Clinton. What Happens Next? Anything. This is unchartered territory for pretty much everybody. Never before has somebody so radical (Trump) done so well, against competition so vast and so well equipped – including Jeb Bush, the son and brother to previous Bush presidents. And never before has a woman come so close to becoming the so-called ‘Leader of the Free World’. With the party-based primary process essentially over, candidates will now strive to broaden their appeal. Hillary Clinton will

likely start moving closer to the right (become more conservative) and Donald Trump will likely start moving closer to the left (become more liberal). Although in Trump’s case, nobody really knows. The candidates will now begin attacking each other directly, and it’s bound to get messy. Particularly with Trump involved. According to recent polling, if the election was held now, Hillary would win. But the polls are closing dramatically to Trump’s advantage. The whole country votes in early November - so there’s still a long way to go. What Could Also Happen? Talk that the Republican Party will overthrow Trump in favour of a more ‘popular’ candidate is highly unlikely at this late stage. In fact, we will almost certainly see more and more Republicans supporting Trump as they unite behind their nominee. Hillary Clinton could get indicted by the FBI (currently directed by a Republican) for the improper management of classified information – the ‘email scandal’ you may

have read about. While this is unlikely, she does have twelve agents investigating her, and the FBI is ‘concluding its investigation’ so Bernie Sanders might be in the White House yet! Probably not. If Hilary was forced out of the race, the Democrats are likely to have Joe Biden (current Vice President, who always wears aviators) or ‘safe’ establishment equivalent dropped in. If this happens, a Trump victory would almost be inevitable. If Hilary does overcome Trumps surging popularity and take the presidency, I’d expect her to deliver an administration less polished than Obama’s and with a bit more hawkishness. TL;DR Trump v Hillary. Both will start to seem reasonable to the average American voter, and Bill Clinton will probably be ‘First Dude’.

{ CANTA 2016 - ISSUE 4}

{ENTERTAINMENT}

T R U E T I N D E R S T O RI E S Canta has recently become aware that the Shilling Club is a hotbed for first-up Tinder dates. Who knew? With this in mind, it seemed appropriate that the Shilling team would sponsor a new segment we call, True Tinder Stories. Anyone brave enough to share their app-initiated encounters with us (anonymously is fine) will win a lunch date for two!

WEE DASH AND DINE

When I got to Liquor King she was standing outside. I was really, really hoping it wasn’t her. But it was. She looked JUST like her photos. Only 30kg bigger. And wearing a tube top and white pants that were about to give way at any second. Shit. I thought about doing a runner, but she saw me. God knows how she saw me, because when I got closer it became obvious she was WASTED. Like, barely able to get a word out wasted. She went in for the hug/kiss – way too soon – and I just sort of froze. Next minute we’re buying two bottles of cheap Chardonnay. I am, anyway. She’s starting to lean on me and breath heavily. Then starts rubbing my arse, but loses balance and has to hold onto a shelf of chips to stay upright. I feel sick. The guy behind the counter looks at me like “Jesus, dude.” I look back at him like, “please, please deny me service.” But he doesn’t. I glance up at the security camera and hope they don’t play this at their Christmas party.

So I was talking to this chick Jess* off and on for about a week before she asked if I wanted to meet up. I wasn’t 100% on her, but figured I had to lose my Tinder wings at some time so I suggested a BYO dinner. I think she was a little surprised I had gone for the dinner, over just a few drinks somewhere, but she was keen enough. I was a little weirded out when she asked to meet up at Liquor King (just down the road from the BYO) before the date to “stock up”. But who doesn’t love a chick who likes to drink, right?

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Fuck that. I bolted. Thanks Tinder. * names have been changed

Send your story to: canta@canta.co.nz DISCLAIMER: only stories we print are eligible for the free lunch. Obviously.

Puzzle 2 (Hard, difficulty rating 0.70)

H A R D

M E D I U M

When she gets up (I can’t remember if I helped her) she looks angry at me. She’s breathing heavily and there’s stones stuck to her face. That’s when I look at her pants. She’s pissed herself. There’s a yellow stain all down the front of her white pants. I look around to see if it could have been spilt wine or something. No. It was piss. She mutters something like, “come on!” Like she still wants to go to the BYO?

We get two steps outside the liquor store and I’m thinking I should just make a runner. I must have looked worried because that’s

Puzzle 1 (Medium, difficulty rating 0.51)

when she tries to do some sort of “drunken confrontation” diva thing. she steps in front of me dramatically and tries to look me in the eyes. Like some move from a shit Beyonce video. I get a whiff of her breath and it’s like Bacardi Breezers mixed with cat shit. Before I can turn away she falls flat on her face.

Generated by http://www.opensky.ca/sudoku on Tue May 24 22:44:06 2016 GMT. Enjoy!

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Generated by http://www.opensky.ca/sudoku on Tue May 24 22:44:06 2016 GMT. Enjoy!

{RDU}

ome along and celebrate 40 years of iconic Christchurch radio station, RDU98.5FM with a 5 month party. Live music! Live gigs! Live broadcasts! Alternative Radio: RDU98.5FM since 1976 at Canterbury Museum, 18 March to 14 August 2016. Alternative Radio: RDU98.5FM since 1976, on at Canterbury Museum charts the history of the South Island’s longest-running independent radio station, starting with its birth on 23 February 1976 for a few short weeks during student orientation at the University of Canterbury. Museum Director, Anthony Wright says the exhibition, a collaboration between the Museum and RDU98.5FM, tells a great Canterbury story of survival and ingenuity and will create a number of “firsts” for the Museum including live gigs, live music and live broadcasts.

In another first for the Museum, visitors will be able to access additional digital content through a free RDU App. “Remember to bring headphones to get the most out of the content,” says Anthony Wright. RDU98.5FM Director, James Meharry, says that RDU has always been inclusive, supporting all forms of alternative music. “Every week we fill our programme with specialist, genre-focused shows delivered live on air by 120 dedicated volunteer hosts. With thousands of hosts, workers and volunteers through the doors and more than 100,000 listeners in the last 40 years, RDU98.5FM has been a part of life for many Cantabrians, here and abroad.” Within a few short years of starting out, RDU had earned a reputation for showcasing New Zealand bands which hadn’t yet achieved mainstream radio play. It supported the emerging Flying Nun record label bands, and was the only radio station in Christchurch to unleash the world of early electronica. 1990s rave, trip hop, acid house, the funk house

movement, roots music and all forms of bass music found a home on RDU. RDU was just one of the many organisations displaced by the Canterbury earthquakes, losing its studio at the University. It rose to the challenge with one of the most industrious, budget-minded, seriously-stylish and No 8 wire outcomes from the Christchurch earthquakes – the RDUnit, an innovative radio broadcasting studio set up inside a horse truck - the RDUnit. Alternative Radio is powered by Meridian Energy with generous support from the University of Canterbury Students’ Association, NZI, Broker Web, the Rata Foundation and Christchurch City Council. For details of the public programme and events go to www.canterburymuseum.com and www.rdu.org.nz.

{ CANTA 2016 - ISSUE 4}

THURSDAY 2 JUNE nd

THE FOUNDRY, 8:00PM FREE

mono SACHI

02/06