CANTA issue #7, 2017 by UCSA

C A N TA H O W T O : R E P LY T O

CANTA INVESTIGATES:

INTERVIEW WITH A

UNSOLICITED PICS

UCSA ELECTIONS

MEME-LORD

I S S U E

S E V E N

â&#x20AC;&#x201C;

2 9 T H

M A Y

2 0 1 7

in this issue 11

H OW TO: RE PLY TO U NSO LI C ITE D PI CS

CANTA I NVESTI GATES: UCSA E LECTI O NS

I NTE RVI E W WITH A M EM E- LO RD

YOU R TE REO FIVE PLUS A DAY

HARD YARDS: JAWS

LUC K Y DI P: SE VE NTH H EAVE N

Editor’s note Hi UC! Thumbs up for issue 7! Who out there has sent unsolicited pics of their toilet parts to people? Almost everyone? Okay. I missed something, somewhere. Thankfully. I posted on the UCSA noticeboard about this, and had a fascinating insight into ‘cheeky dicks’ seen at every concievable angle, and old men in silky panties. Yikes. Check out our handy guide on how to creatively respond to these unsolicited...selfies. We also get to talk to the mysterious admin of the Juicy Memes

For UC Teens page in this issue. A meme lord on campus, so to speak. Well, I guess they’re on campus because no one knows who the hell runs the page. Thanks to Harringtons Breweries, our new sponsor for FLAT FAMOUS, we now have a mini brewery onsite essentially and I look forward to spreading the joy to you all soon. The joy is alcohol, in case you didn’t pick up on that. – Joshua

Letters to the Editor CHICKEN COOPS AND CUTIE PIES Hey Canta, Just a riddle to release your stress before the examination. Why does a chicken coop have two doors? If it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan. Hahaha, hope that cheers you up! Cheers, Cutie Pie Hi Cutie Pie. It took me a couple of reads before I got that. Why? Because I’m stupid. You get a UCSA food voucher, because you’re called Cutie Pie, and I’m pretty sure you’re stoned. – CANTA

responsible student, I aim to recycle three to four boxes of Wakachangis a week. The reduction capability will mean that my recycling will have to be limited to twice a week, which will be outstanding for my liver, but shocking for the planet. Regards, Binned out Hi Binned, Why are you coming to us? Did trolling the CCC website not pan out for you? Listen m8, you were special for a while with two bins. Now you’re like every other mere mortal walking around with the shame of only ONE BIN in their household. Deal with it. Why don’t you just switch to spirits? There’s a lesson in this for everyone: drink spirits, less peeing, less bottles, less calories. You are welcome.

LETTER OF THE WEEK

– CANTA

RARKED UP BUT SOCIALLY CONSCIOUS ALCOHOLIC Dear Canta Editor, The recent city council wheelie bin audit has got me seriously rarked up. When I moved into my flat, there was an extra recycling bin that had been generously stolen by the previous tenants, giving us twice the recycling power of regular flats. Now we have been audited and found to only be allocated one bin. I love the planet and I love recycling - as a

MORE FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS WITH RICE Dear Canta, A few years ago $2 rice was served daily in Undercroft. The noodles have always been considered inferior, and are clearly a ploy to force us to buy the more expensive food or – god forbid – bring my own

Yours, Man with an ice cream container This is actually an amazing idea. I’m bringing in an empty waterbed to fill with rice. Tom from the UCSA gave a pretty reasonable explanation for this in the last CANTA. As for BYO containers, it’s ‘something they will consider in the future’. -CANTA

V. GELLANTY DID NOT COME HERE TO PLAY! Dear Canta In response to the recent notifications suggesting that women don’t walk alone at night on campus, and walk with intent, as there has been some recent yukky stuff going on, may I suggest a different approach: Dear perpetrators of violence, sexual harassment and/or yukky stuff If you approach women (or anyone) on campus (or anywhere) at night (or anytime) with the intention of harming or harassing them in any way, be prepared to be physically assaulted with mace, claw hammers or any other devices of self-protection that the said woman may be packing. To avoid this unpleasant situation, refrain from approaching women on their own, keep your bits in your pants, or better still, if you can’t control your urges stay home. We are sick and tired of your cowardly crap. Signed, V. Gellanty (Ms) Well, there you have it. V. Gellanty is out there. Be warned. Not much else to say on that matter. – CANTA

LIBRARY LOVER Hey CANTA, I hope everyone experiences the UC Library’s FB page at some point. It literally has taught me so much! Yes I’m serious! KB Cold Toast Thanks Kimmy Schmidt, I am so grateful that you have learnt from a FB page. I bet you were raised my Uncle TV and Aunty Playstation. Okay we looked at the page and you have a point... I’m still not letting it raise my kids. –CANTA

Email:letters@canta.co.nz <1 0 0 w o r d s $25 U BS vo u c h e r f o r L et ter of the Week!

L e tte r s to th e Edi t o r

lunch. Bring $2 rice back 5 days a week. Instead of charging more and serving it pre-packaged, let me bring my own eco-friendly, free, rice container.

LOCAL news

AWARD FOR UC ACCOMODATION

FIFT Y FL AT-PACKS FOR YOU!

niversity of Canterbury Accommodation has won the Excellence in Student Experience Award at an AACHUO awards ceremony in Hobart, Australia, recently. University of Canterbury Accommodation (UCA) in partnership with Campus Living Villages received the award for its Healthy Learning Community programme for first-year students at University Hall student accommodation village in 2016. “This international award is a testament to the partnership we have developed over the past 10 years, working together to give our students the best introduction to student life at UC,” Ms Lynn McClelland says. The Healthy Learning Community Programme has resulted in: – A 23% increase in ‘first preference’ applications for 2017 – A Village Student Council developed – More recruitment and training of Residential Assistants (RA) to support freshers – Increased options for feedback on various aspects of hall life, like food and the Uni Hall Ball “Although we have brought a focus to personal development and academic success, UCA is still a fun place to live while studying.”

THE GREAT NOODLE VERSUS RICE WAR

he UCSA’s Cafe The Burg has started a war on campus with a switcharoo on Noodle and Rice days. You’d think the average UC student could handle this, but nope. It’s an outrage, apparently. How do we at CANTA know? Because there’s been at least a dozen letters written about the switch. The general consensus is that the rice is superior in taste to the noodle.The reason for the switch was explained by Tom Lawson, representative for the

he UCSA Student Exec are following in the footsteps of Taylor Swift and are turning up on your doorstep with some sweet prizes. Too late if you haven’t entered, because the entries closed on the 26th of May. The flat packs are packed just like a care package from mum- cereal, coffee and even fruit. Top tip: eat fruit, it stops you from looking like a B grade zombie. We entered the CANTA office more than 15 times, but alas.... no luck. I’ll just stick to eating the slowest sewer rats and the piles of dry leaves. They’re in season, you know.

UCSA’s Food and Hospitality as a cost saving venture. The UCSA “sells the rice option at a loss” purely to offer options to students. The costs and labour outweigh the purchase price of $2 rice. The switch up was to “minimise the financial loss” for The UCSA. Students were still unhappy, and a post on the UCSA Noticeboard last week showed dozens of UC students miffed by the switch. Seth Hibbert summed the situation up with his post on the matter:

STUDENT LIFE RETURNS TO ART CENTRE

A T

his Wednesday marks World Smoke Free Day; a day to raise awareness and contribute to the achievement of the 2025 New Zealand smokefree goal.This year the theme is ‘whanau’, so it’s time that we all get involved and help our whanau to quit. I interviewed a smoker recently and here’s what they had to say. What influenced you to start smoking? For me it’s more of a social thing I do while drinking, though I do it less and less these days. Probably only like one cigarette a week, maybe one a fortnight? I don’t see it as much of a health issue when I don’t do it often, but I acknowledge that’s kind of stupid because obviously, any cigarettes are bad for you. What motivated you to quit smoking? The time spent smoking impacting on my day, and the cost of smoking.

How will you make sure you stick to quitting? Sticking to places I wouldn’t smoke, and changing my morning/evening routines to stop me having the chance or urge to smoke. Also, having financial plans for saving money so I can see where that money could go instead of on smokes. What would you say to someone who is thinking of starting smoking? DON’T DO IT. Before you know it, you’re addicted, and it’s a habit that is super difficult to quit! By Josh Voight

n official opening ceremony and dinner were held on Wednesday evening to celebrate the relocation of UC Music and Classics to the Chemistry building at the Arts Centre. The 1910 building has been fully restored and the fitout custom-designed for Music and Classics students. It includes a new exhibition space, the Teece Museum of Classical Antiquities, named in recognition of UC alumnus Professor David Teece and his wife Leigh Teece who generously contributed to the restoration of the building. UC’s treasured James Logie Memorial Collection is now on permanent public display in the museum. Leigh Teece spoke about the importance of the arts. “Art feeds the imagination, it engages critical thinking, it fuels creative problem solving, all of which are essential to the development of innovation skills,” Mrs Teece said.

News

WORLD SMOKE-FREE DAY 2017

NGAIRE KNOWS BEST Hi Ngai, I feel like I was born in the wrong era. I’m curvy, and I love 50s style dresses and pin curls. I want to be a housewife and bake and wear polka dots. Is that a crime? Candy

Ngaire, I’ve just found out I am gluten intolerant. What’s a good tip to avoiding this stuff without sounding like a total dick?

Dear Candy, Firstly, may I say curves are beautiful and I just LOVE a heaving bosom on a woman. Secondly, what are you smoking, bitch? The 1950’s in New Zealand were a hot steaming load of horse shit. Yes, the Queen turned up to wave at us kiwis on a Royal Tour, but wars were going on, no one had two goddamned pennies to rub together, and I walked in on my husband taking it up the chocker from the postman. So, I say SHUSH. If you’re so hot to trot on this vintage rubbish, maybe you should have written to me by pigeonmail with your cottage cheese lunch lady arms. But keep the pin curls, they’re quite lovely.

Jimmy

Ngaire

Best wishes, Ngaire

Dear Jimmy. I know who you are, Mr Addington. I have a friend who has allergies to foods and I’ve seen her soil herself on many an occasion. Yes, I mock her, and no I don’t feel bad for her. This is something she needs to learn to manage. Raewynn ruined our bus trip to Rotorua. For that, I will never forgive her. That bus STUNK the whole bloody trip. Just disgusting. To answer your question, if you don’t eat something – don’t. Just say it’ll give you the trots. Nobody wants to be on an Intercity stinking of Raewynn’s guts.

STUDENT HACKTIVIST:

Hello Mrs Chambers, Slightly weird conundrum. I visit my ailing great grandma in a rest home. Yesterday I caught her unawares and have now come to the conclusion that she’s been faking her Alzheimer’s. Should I try catch her out? From Awkward Position Dear Sherlock Holmes, Getting old is no fun and you have to take your fun where you can get it. You can only watch so many Shortland Street reruns without going mad. WHEN WILL THEY JUST BRING BACK KIRSTY AND LIONEL?! Anyhow, I often pretend to be more senile than I am, particularly when I’m busy on a shoplifting trip. Let your Nan have her fun, if anything get in on the act. Lying and stealing are fun games. Good on you for visiting Nan, how darling of you. Another liar in arms, Mrs Chambers

– Use a black marker to colour in your big toe, so no one will see the holes in your socks. – Keep cake moist by eating the entire thing at once. – An empty McCafe cup with lid is great to put your toothbrushes in. – Roll up your money and store it in an empty Chapstick container. No one EVER loses a Chapstick. – Birthday cake with no candles? Use a lit cigarette.

We pass on your emails to Ngaire: canta.editor@gmail. com Facebook: /MrsNgaireChambers

INTRODUCING

14 JUL – 4 AUG

SPEAKING OF DIVERSITY In March 2015, UC held its first ever Diversity Week. There was quite a bit of stuff that went on – an international food market, an art expo, St Paddy’s Day party and several seminars that focused on the more hefty issues. Over 2000 students & UC staff attended the 22 events that went down throughout the week. Bring it back you say? Well this year UC, UC Foundation (alumni network) and the UCSA a re t e a m i n g u p t o reboot the success that was and proudly present to you: DiversityFest 2017.

THEN YOU CHIMED UP Last month a survey got put out there on the UC student blog and UCSA FB page for student thoughts on diversity, what even is it and how should UC celebrate it. Over 200 UC students got in on the action. It asked what should the purpose of DiversityFest be really? Like, what should it actually seek to achieve? From the survey:

kind of events you’d most likely attend or the issues you’d like to see focused on. It was pretty interesting what came through:

Breaking down racial bia

65%

Celebrating international culture

58% 52% 42%

Gender equity nts

LGBTQI – focused eve

There’s a few things already in the pipeline and it’ll be cool to get input from students and staff to help cocreate the festival.

HOW TO GET INVOLVED If YOU OR YOUR UC CLUB would like to jump on board, contact rose.reynolds@canterbury.ac.nz – it’d be awesome to collab. Also get in touch if you had just any ideas in general.

IT’S ALL KICKIN G OFF TERM 3 GE T SE

71% reckoned an aim of

DiversityFest should be to help make everyone feel welcomed & valued at UC.

Coming in a respectable 2nd place, 60% thought ‘celebrating difference at UC’ should be one of the goals. Taking this into account, it was then asked what kind

/ TERM 3, WK 1-

BROUGHT TO YOU BY:

club promoter Profiling the best clubs and events on campus

PAI NT ‘N SI P COM ES TO UC When: Tuesday 30th May Where: Shilling Club Cost:$35.00 (tickets available for purchase at Reception or Shilling Club) Time: 5.00pm – 6.00pm Only 30 tickets available – and selling FAST! Ever wanted to be an artist, but just not 100% confident in your skills? Whether you’re the next Andy Warhol or stuck at 2nd grade doodling, this class is for everyone! Here’s your chance, have a drink or two and let out your inner creativity.

Submit your club to be featured in CANTA | < 300 WORDS | 3x PICS |canta.editor@gmail.com

What makes you different from other religious clubs? As you can tell by our name, Christian Union’s (CU) first point of difference to some of the other religious clubs on campus is that we are a Christian club and therefore affirm the beliefs and teachings of Christianity as outlined for us in the Bible. We are not associated with any particular denomination but hold to key tenets of the Christian faith including Jesus’ deity, death and resurrection. We think it’s important to say here that CU is not in competition with other religious clubs! We love working with the other Christian clubs at Canterbury (like Student Life, Navigators) and respect and value the many other religious clubs that are on campus.

What do you stand for? Ultimately, we stand for Christ. That may seem like a strange (and strong!) thing to say about any given person, but we believe that Jesus Christ -- being fully God and fully human -- is what no other person can ever be: a perfect example. We believe that true freedom and joy are found in following him. Do you have to be religious to join? Definitely not! We welcome anyone who may be curious or even sceptical about Christianity to come along to our regular meetings or one of the many events we have throughout the year. We would love to meet you and chat with you, wherever you stand on issues of faith.

biosoc.uc.gmail.com

BI OSOC Scientists have created an artificial uterus! Crabs have blue blood! There is enough DNA in an average person’s body to stretch from the sun to Pluto and back — 17 times! Your eyes are always the same size from birth but your nose and ears never stop growing! – trust us, we’re biologists. As the name suggests, we are the biology club on campus,

but we’re not all microscopes and lab coats! We hold events that anyone who’s anyone can partake in. We started out as a small academic club in 2012, but now without the threat of the world ending, we have loosened up and host a range of social events. Throughout the year, we hold BBQs, quiz nights and, of course, the Tri-Sci Ball (in conjunction with our buddies in PhysSoc and ChemSoc).

What is your stance/opinion on Trump’s policies? Politics is one of the things that Christians can and do graciously disagree on; CU is made up of many people with diverse political views. That being said, the Bible clearly outlines for us that we are to love and respect all people and so we can strongly say that we do not in any way endorse Trump’s comments and actions that denigrate women, immigrants or Muslims. What events do you hold? We have Life Groups every Wednesday night on campus at 6:00pm. Life Groups give us a chance to eat, catch up and spend time studying the Bible together. In addition to this weekly meeting, we have groups that meet during the day on campus, social events, and other topical events that are held semi-regularly throughout the year. You can like our Facebook page (UC Christian Union) to keep up to date with our events or contact us with any questions you may have.

All of our events have a biology theme, but everyone loves biology. Hey, did you know that butterfly can taste with their feet? CRAZY! Between you and me, I’ve heard some of the postgrads listen to David Attenborough’s voice at night as sleep therapy. This year we are hoping to get involved with other UC clubs to help replant the port hills, so if you’re keen to give back to the community (comes with bragging rights), come talk to us! For those of you who consider yourselves extroverts*, we are always looking for more committee members to help us plan our events! If you ever need to know what kind of tree is in your backyard, hit us up! *introverts are welcome too.

C lub Prom oter

UC C H R ISTIAN UNION

What do you offer students? We offer students a place where they can explore Christianity in a welcoming environment or, if they are already Christians, grow in their faith through Bible study, relationships and service. We believe that the Christian life should be lived in the context of community and so we meet regularly to encourage one another as we live out our faith.

HOW TO: REPLY TO UNSOLICiTED PICS

Googling a ‘pretty’ set of genitals and sending them back with a comment along the lines of, “Do you have anything along the lines of this?” Even a few examples of so called ‘perfect bits’ might drive the message home...there’s nothing like an inbox of body parts to make you re-evaluate your life.

pseudo concern: Are you okay?!?! What’s wrong with it/them? You need to see a doctor! Hey is that what I think it is? Yep. It’s definitely a growth. I sent it on a group chat to my friends and once we’d all zoomed in, we decided that you definitely need to talk to your parents about that...My mum says they’re not supposed to look like that! Did you get this off Web MD? Any one of those statements work, but also the entire statement absolutely makes a top notch effort.

the thought provoking metaphor: Reply with a pic of a burst saveloy, or a sour gummy worm. Maybe even a naked mole rat, or a picture of a blobfish. I mean, a sliced banana speaks for itself (and tbh has been done to death), but a blobfish might make them search so hard for a meaning that the blood rushes back to their head.

the REAL LIFE EMOJI:

the one up:

It seems like almost everyone gets sent unsolicited pictures these days. We snap, we filter, we meme the shit out of everything, so why not include our downstairs areas in this? It could be argued as a natural progression. What isn’t natural progression? Trying to attract someone by sending them pictures of where your pee comes out. CANTA shows you how to reply to the downstairs selfie you didn’t really ask for.

This is where you get to SHINE. It’s time for those Year 9 drama classes to come into effect. Send them confused, terrified, or wistful faces. Go nuts. Next level their shit by perfecting a face you’d see at Gloriavale on a Sunday morning. Creep them out. #blessed

This really only works if you’ve been sent a peen, and you don’t have your own peen. Or maybe you do have a peen, but you’re not feeling the fantasy of a pic swapping romance. Grab a peenlike object; maybe it’s a carrot, or a large-ish permanent marker. Get into that classic pose. You know the one; low angle, smirk on your face, and have your pseudo peen in the frame. Send that back to them, and then only reply from then on with similar pictures. Bonus points if you switch up your ‘peen’ for various household objects.

PEEN STAND-INS: A rolled up copy of CANTA

An uncooked sizzler

Rolling pin (you need a very confident look to pull this off)

Your flatmate’s finger

A lipstick. (Try to look apologetic in this one)

SCHOOL THEM:

IMPOSTER SYNDROMe:

There’s a high chance if you received an unsolicited pic of someone’s private parts, then they may be doing it to other people, too. In fact, it’s pretty much guaranteed. Therefore, educate them by replying with a copy of this article. Alternatively, there’s tonnes on the net if you want to send them multiple links to TED talks, articles, Twitter rants etc. The unsolicited pic is pretty much today’s catcall. Not all people like it, they don’t all typically ask for it, and they won’t be turned on instantly by it. Showing your naughty no-no parts doesn’t create an instant connection or suddenly spark attraction. More funny, disgusting, and traumatic than sexually stimulating, a pic of your pinkish bits can be really shocking.

TIPS FOR SENDERS: Read the room. Has the recipient asked for your pic? Yes? Okay, well...do your thing. Don’t include your face. Just don’t. A face is totally recognisable. Everything else you can deny deny deny. Snapchat isn’t a saviour in these situations. There are ways around keeping your pics! Once you have sent a pic, you really lose control over your image altogether. Don’t send anything you wouldn’t put in a PowerPoint. I’m sure that’s someone’s fetish out there, but it’s a good rule to live by. If a celeb can’t avoid a nude leak (Hi Justin, Orlando, Jennifer) you can’t either. It’s not the kind of thing you want to deal with. It’s like having Internet herpes.

By Joshua Brosnahan

CANTA INVESTIGATES

UCSA ELECTIONS T

his year the UCSA has set a target of 50% voter turnout in their Student Executive elections. At first glance it seems like they’ve set the bar pretty low? Well... maybe not. As it happens, UC already has the best turnout of any university.

For example - Students’ Association elections held in 2016:

~2% voter turnout

33.9% voter turnout 50% voter turnout for the UCSA will be a big ask. So, let’s start by answering some basic questions:

What is the UCSA Student Exec? The Exec is a board of 12 current UC students that govern the University of Canterbury Students’ Association (UCSA). There are different positions on the Exec, very much like

Can I vote in the UCSA elections? YES. If you’re enrolled as a UC student, you can vote in the UCSA elections. You’ll get sent an email with a link to the voting form. There will also be voting booths set up on campus.

Can I run for the Exec? YES. If you’re a current UC student, you can run for a position on the Exec. The only catch is that you must be a member of the UCSA. You can check to see if you are a member when you register as a candidate – if you’re not, you can join the UCSA on the spot.

What’s in it for Exec members? Apart from the sheer joy of giving back to your fellow students (of course ...) Exec members get the opportunity to govern a $9million organisation - and most of them haven’t even got a degree yet! They get to experience the inner workings of the UCSA, as well as the university, and various other boards and committees they sit on. Then there are the connections they make in their faculties, the community, nationally, and even internationally. Not bad for the ol’ CV.

UCSA PRESIDENT – full time position – 50k salary – free carpark and office UCSA PRESIDENT/FINANCE – 20 hours per week – 21k salary

the board of a large company. Students run for specific positions on the Exec, and are voted in via the elections held each year. See the dates for elections at the bottom of the next page. Don’t worry, you’ll know when the elections are on – campaign signs (of varying construction quality) will pop up all over campus!

STUDENT EXEC – 10 hours per week – $5k salary (approx) The Exec also get free access to UCSA events (Orientation, Winterlude, Tea Party etc), as well as a few discounts and other perks.

There are many myths and misconceptions about the UCSA Exec. In an attempt to find the truth, CANTA surveyed a number of current students (OK, fine, we talked to some people in the line at The Burg) to find out what they really think. Then we put these comments to the current Exec – partly to hurt their feelings, but mostly to get to the truth. “If you want to make a difference, you’re better off running for a club exec. At least they get stuff done, right?” - 3rd year arts student There’s no doubt that club Execs do amazing work. They’re the lifeblood of the UC student experience. The big difference is that the UCSA Exec is charged with representing the interests of ALL students – not just those in one or two clubs. You have the potential to do more, with more, for more. It’s not necessarily “better”, but definitely “different”. - Exec “They’re almost always white. Middle-class. Male. This represents me how?” - Post grad politics students

KEY DATES

In four of the last six years (66.67%) the President of the UCSA has been female. While you could argue that the Exec has predominantly been this, we like to think that looking at the 2017 Exec we have shaken off that perception. The simple fact is that if you think that there is a group on campus not represented, the ball is well and truly in your court. Don’t be afraid to put your hand up and run for the Exec to represent them! - Exec

NOMINATIONS OPEN 26th July – 4th August

“I feel like people never really deliver on their campaign promises. They put so much effort into campaigning, and when I vote for them I never hear from them again. It’s like Tinder all over again.” - 3rd year law student “This comes down to what people campaign on. Sometimes the ‘coolest’ campaign promises, eg. “Cheaper beer at the Foundry!” are just not possible. And some of the more ‘realistic’ ones, eg. “Better communication to PG students” are doable, and IMPORTANT. I’d encourage everyone to think about the policies candidates run on. Are they achievable? If they are, and if they’re a good idea, they’ll generally get done. - Exec

“What does the Exec even do for the student body?”- 2nd year engineering student

From the outside, it can seem like the Exec doesn’t do anything at all sometimes! The reality is we’re sitting on boards and committees every week, representing student interests across the university – right up to the Chancellor’s office. We’re also ensuring the UCSA is putting students first, and delivering the services and events students want and need. They’ve also been instrumental in delivering projects such as: self-defense classes Borrow-A-Bike, Subsidised Dental Scheme, Subsidised Bike Locks, and this year’s CANTA makeover. With many more in the pipeline - Exec

CANDIDATES CAMPAIGN 5th August – 15th August

VOTING 16th August – 18th August

C AN T A Q & A

UCSA EXEC YEAH... NAH... YEAH?

FLAT FAMOUS

elcome to The Glasshouse, your typical flat of basic bitches studying Law and Commerce at UC. With five girls and one illegal bunny named Albert (purchased off UCSA noticeboard), our flat mantra is all about balance; Uni, Luxe Fitness and turning up for MONO every Thursday night. Follow us on our flat â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;gram @glasshousegirlz

Who’s who: Max. 20: The flat alpha, Albert’s favourite, known as the GQ in many cities

Lucie. 20: Formerly known as Avril Lavigne, still working at Maccas after 5 years. “Did you know I’m a manager?”

Alannah. 21. Dogs the girls, can’t go to bed without a Big Mac on a night out Ruby. 20: Has never missed a Foundry Thursday. Regularly goes on four day benders

The best thing about your flat: Despite pooping all over the place, Albert has definitely been the best addition to the flat, providing cuddles after failed assignments and boy troubles. He also likes to bite fuccbois.

Becs. 20: Tinder game unreal, Taylor Swift lookalike, supplies the flat with free wine

The worst thing about your flat: Being here on a Monday night when it’s Ruby’s turn to cook dinner.

The Glasshouse won three dozen Icebreakers from the good people at Harrington’s! harringtons.nz Wanna win YOUR flat something similar? Email CANTA@CANTA.CO.NZ telling us why you’re flat’s so bloody spectacular and you could be featured in FLAT FAMOUS.

Photography by Hugh Baird @hughbairdphotography

I N T E RV I E W W I T H A

D R O L E M E M

It’s not easy studying and managing one of UC’s most famous meme pages, especially when over 3700 people rely on you for their daily fix for a snigger or two. CANTA chats to the anonymous Robin Hood running the Facebook page JUICY MEMES FOR UC TEENS.

How did Juicy Memes for UC Teens come about?

Who runs it?

It started off as a joke between my friends. It’s like a lie that’s spun out of control so far that coming clean is no longer an option. The only option I really had was to embrace the point of no return and run with it, however sad of an option that was. There’s other reasons too, one being that I saw a flurry of anti-UC memes and posts on Facebook and thought there needed to be a voice to fight the mainly Wellingtonian meme wannabe keyboard warriors. Another is that I saw a need for an alternative form of publicity for the university, other than at bus stops and stuff. Social media is so versatile and widespread –I doubt there’d be many uni students with zero social media accounts. While UC do use social media really well, especially with how they market their events, they were lacking in their jokes department if I’m completely honest.

My crippling depression.

What kind of commitment does managing a page like this take? It’s not too bad. My GPA is sitting on a solid 2, and there’s a rough correlation of -0.5GPA per 500 likes gained on the page. The toughest commitment has to be keeping up with online trends. They change at the drop of a fine art students career prospects. It’s insane.

And you choose to be anonymous? Why is that?

What does it feel like to be the memelord of UC? Flattered! I wouldn’t go as far to say I’m only UC “memelord” though, I get great submissions every day, I’d call them all memelords too. I remember getting my first submission and thinking “What have I got myself into?!” I love getting them. They never fail to make me laugh. Submissions also allow other perspectives and types of people to get their views on UC life explored on the page too which is cool. Overall though, it feels like how I think the president of Anime Club feels. You’re a leader, but you’re leading a group of sad students looking to fill their time addicted to meaningless comics like it’s laced cocaine.

Anonymity is somewhat forced with a meme page.In all honesty, while I could be open, it’s just easier. It keeps my personal page and the meme page separate. Staying anonymous means I can touch on any issues or current events and audience’s aren’t skewed by knowing who the person behind the jokes actually is too. In turn, that helps to prevent Juicy UC Memes from becoming a battleground for trolls, since they can’t pick at me for who I am, only what I choose to post. Honestly, I know nobody would really care if I came out the closet, but I’d rather the jokes speak for themselves. It’s like a budget version of that Disney movie ‘Radio Rebel’, but more depressed.

18 So only a select few people know who you are? Any close calls on having your identity revealed? Yeah, that’s right. Only a few people know who I actually am. There have been a few mishaps, like reviews directly on the page naming me which I promptly asked to be removed, for example. Of course it’s incredibly flattering, but it shouldn’t be about me. The main focus should the page, its content, and the issues discussed within. I am just running a university meme page for crying out loud, it’s about as relevant as Drew Neemia in the grand scheme of things. The straight answer is that while leaks do occur, as time goes on, it is happening less and less.

What do memes mean to you? The short answer is that I think they are a great blend of quick comedy and current events perfect in today’s clickbait riddled, goldfish attention spanned, touchscreen scrolling world. To elaborate, internet memes illustrate the shift to digitalised, on-demand media. If you just think how quickly a meme can come and go nowadays, and just how many internet sites there are dedicated to memes, it’d be naive to shun them as anything but one of the modern world’s most solid, growing media forms. There have been legal cases and political farces surrounding them, it’s oddly fascinating. Mind you, I do understand the negatives, like how irritating it is to fit every joke in three lines, how difficult it is to give justice to a current event in a picture and a caption, and how mindless and sad memes are at their core. Yeah they’re good fun, don’t get me wrong, but I’m pleased they aren’t the only thing online. They can get a bit limiting, overexhausted, and dare I say boring.

There’s a distinct rivalry brewing with a Vic Uni meme page – what’s your take on this? It all started with some insufferable bastard that had the audacity to throw shade at UC. One thing led to another...when they blocked @juicyucmemes from commenting on their page, I took it as a declaration of war. That Vic uni page has made some out-of-line comments in their time no doubt, and funnily enough, as soon as I called them out on it, I was blocked and they shifted their main target to another university, but one without a meme page. And when that university got a page, the cycle continued to another uni. It has been pleasing to see pages from other universities popping up in defence though. Otago have an iconic page; highly recommended. Overall, I must admit that Vic Memes do have some solid content, like their iconic Cotton Cannibal arc, but the negatives outweigh the positives. I must acknowledge that their content has become much better since the rivalry simmered down. More importantly, it pains me when I see posts that just aren’t suitable for prospective students, their families, or anyone for that matter, to be viewing. (That point goes for lots of pages.) They now know their place. I’ll snatch their weaves again if I see the need.

Will you carry this page on past your time at UC?

I will probably pass it on to another wannabe fresher when my time at UC is done. I believe ad revenue starts at 10,000 likes; one goal of mine is to have as many likes as there are UC students, and it’d be hilarious if it started making me money since this whole thing started off as a joke. When I first started the page I did a little research and surprisingly found an old UC meme page that hadn’t posted for years, so fingers crossed it’s not a shared fate. All things considered, it is still a pretty small page. Onwards and upwards.

Lastly – any inspirational message you want to send out to CANTA readers? Don’t let your memes be memes. Huck us a submission or a cheeky like. And big thanks to CANTA!

Research Spotlight

Get Van Gogh to paint your selfie

Van Gogh’s “The starry night” rendered in the style of Georges Seruat

Tieta Sowerto is a PhD student in the computer science department at UC. Tieta is working on ways analyse the work of impressionist and postimpressionist painters. This analysis can then be used to apply a particular painters style to any image that is input. Tietas’ work could be used as a teaching aid for a particular painting style, to help further understand how these painting masters created their work, or even as a filter in image processing software like Photoshop or Snapchat! Even those who are not “connoisseurs” of fine art probably have some sense of what makes up a paintings style. You might recognise the work of Van Gogh, or Claude Monet simply by their reputation. They have fairly distinct style, which is one of the reasons why their work is so well known. The brush stroke, the colours used, the subjects of the paintings, and many other aspects all go into what makes one painters style unique from another’s. Tieta is focusing on the brush stroke that the painters use, and on ways to put down in numbers what the brush style of these painters is. A single brush stroke is identified in the painting, and then many aspects of the stroke are characterised. The color, texture, shape and distribution pf the strokes are all taken into account by the computer. The differences in brush stroke could correlate to real life phenomena. It could indicate the angle the painter held the brush, how quickly they moved it, or even what type of paintbrush they were using. When the computer understands how the painters brush moved, it can try to do the same thing with any image that you give to it! Getting a computer to paint is no easy task

though. A brush stroke is a complex thing, and to mimic it on a digital picture takes some unusual computing strategies. The solution is called swarm computing. A swarm is a large collection of dots which moves around. The way that a single dot inside the swarm moves is defined by which dot it’s next to, and which direction it’s moving in. Think of it (almost exactly) like a swarm of insects moving around. One insect doesn’t know what it’s doing overall, it just moves along with whoever is next to it. Now imagine the insects have been dipped in paint, and are crawling along a canvas. That’s a surprisingly accurate analogy of what’s going on. Each of these “insects” in the swarm is one of the bristles in a painters’ brush. The style of the painter, as the computer understands it, can be used to control how this virtual brush moves around and paint the picture how a long dead painter once would have. Tieta started in this research area through her honours project. She was using similar analysis techniques to analyse the style of a painting. This was being used to link painters together, and indicate which painters inspired other pieces of art. Tieta would like to thank her supervisors, Mukundan and Kourosh, for their support and advice, She would also like to thank the Indonesian Endowment fund for Education for her funding. Are you a PhD, masters, or honours student? Do you want to have you research featured in CANTA? Tell us what makes your research exciting! Get in contact at info@ucpgsa.org

FIVE MAORI WORDS YOU CAN USE TODAY Te reo Māori word: kauhau Phonetic pronounciation: co hoe English translation: lecture How to use in a sentence: “I am constantly late for my 8am kauhau.” Te reo Māori word: mātai pūkaha Phonetic pronounciation: mar tie pu kaha English translation: engineering How to use in a sentence: “She studies mātai pūkaha and wears a striped top and puffer jacket” Te reo Māori word: akomanga Phonetic pronounciation: arko munga English translation: classroom How to use in a sentence: “Sit with me in the akomanga so I am not stuck with weirdos again” Te reo Māori word: moni pūkoro Phonetic pronounciation: mohni pu kordoh English translation: allowance How to use in a sentence: “I spent my entire moni pūkoro on Grainwaves” Te reo Māori word: wā tāpiri Phonetic pronounciation: wah ta pidi English translation: extension How to use in a sentence: “Hey, so how about that wā tāpiri, haha... please Sir, I’m dying here.”

CANTA COLUMNS Submit your column to canta.editor@gmail.com

CAT-CALLERS F-OFF Growing up in Wellington I often found myself grateful for what an awesome place it was I lived in. Close to the train station, close to school, I had a steady job and was balancing everything nicely. It wasn’t until I was 15 years old when I was first cat called on my way home from work. It was broad daylight, think 3.00pm on a summers day during the middle of the week kinda bright. My work uniform was a bright green button up T-shirt, one that covered my arms and came right up under my neck, with black pants that were way too loose for my comfort levels. Just painting that picture reminds me of how unflattering my work uniform was, yet I was made to feel even more uncomfortable in it later that afternoon. As I crossed the large bridge on one of the busiest roads in Lower Hutt, a man in his late thirties rolled down his window and whistled. Never having been cat called so abruptly before, I decided to ignore his quest for love and kept walking quicker, turning the volume up on my headphones. Doing this agitated the man, who then drove at a slower speed trying everything in his power to get me to acknowledge him. I walked quickly feeling so confused, why on earth was he trying so hard to get my attention?

Can he not see how young I am? I asked myself these questions by continuing to walk faster and faster, almost at a jogging speed. It was now when he stopped the car and screamed out to me. I finally turned my head, faced the

man who so desperately wanted my attention, only to see him laughing. At me? Why was he laughing? What was so funny about the situation? I felt confused, angry, uncomfortable. I felt stripped of something that was there before. He yelled some words that me so uncomfortable, I felt like a sack of skin that had lost all the innocence that was once there before. What confused me the most, was how no one around me had yelled to him to stop. I was surrounded by so many people who seemed equally uncomfortable yet nobody had looked at him and told him it wasn’t okay. I decided it was up to me to stick up for myself, as I screamed back at him with all the stress and anger in my soul that had boiled up until that last minute. “I’m only fifteen, you sick fuck!” I screamed. I have never once yelled at someone at that same level I did that day, and what amazed me was the response it gained from everyone around me. The two women in front of me turned around and looked at me uncomfortably, as if I was in the wrong. The man himself continued laughing, even harder than before. Once my response had fulfilled his needs, he drove off giggling to his heart’s content as I had my whole walk home to think about what I could have done differently. I could have dressed differently I thought, maybe something less revealing? I wasn’t sure how I could have been more covered up though, so that was out. Maybe less time I could try look worse? Not straighten my hair perhaps? Put less effort in? I asked myself these questions as a 15-yearold girl who was so unbelievably clueless. It wasn’t until I spoke to my older sister about what the man had said, where she explained to me the concept of cat calling. My sister was always an

absolute stunner growing up. She was tall, with long brown hair and hazel eyes. She knew the life of being cat called, and knew exactly how to handle it. “All they want is a reaction” she said to me. I was puzzled, well what’s the point in that? What do they get knowing you’ve been agitated? She explained, that there is something so empowering to a cat caller in knowing that you have been humiliated and left out on the road alone to contemplate how you were the problem, not them.

That’s what they want. Cat calling has never been about the after effects. No sane human thinks yelling out to you from a car will cause you to chase down the car and instantly want that person in your bed ASAP, it’s more than that. It’s the fact that they get to drive away, they get to walk away, they get to leave the scene, having made you feel worthless and weak. That’s what it’s all about. If you ever witness someone cat call another person, make sure you call them out. It may seem like a simple act, but let me tell you right now, whenever I have a long day at work, or a stressful time at uni, my mind wanders back to that time I was walking home from work. It’s not something that can be stopped immediately, but the first step we can all take is to address that there’s an issue, and create awareness around the fact that it is not okay and it is definitely not a small problem we can brush off. Cat calling is a real problem everywhere in the world.

H a r d ya r d s blockbuster after classic blockbuster. With ‘Jaws’ Spielberg did, what a zillion horror movies couldn’t do. It scared and scarred soft-hearted beach-loving people and instilled in most of us a hatred for an innocent carnivorous fish. If the Great White Shark is an aggressive animal, ‘Jaws’ over-exaggerated the consequences of a shark attack . But then that’s the magic of Steven Spielberg. His ability to use ‘jump scares’ was so accurate in this film that the audience was convinced that the most destructive monsters on our planet are the ones that lurk underneath the ocean.

The UC Film Club put in the hours watching classic ‘must watch films’ so that you can pretend you are cultured. Movie details: Jaws (1975) Why should I pretend I͛ve seen this film? If you go to the beach on a bright sunny day but refuse to take a plunge into the ocean because you are scared you will end up being the sumptuous meal of a Great White Shark, I will pretend you have seen ‘Jaws’. And because Christchurch has so many beaches, this movie is all the more relevant for UC students. One sentence sum up of the plot: A monstrous shark eats a woman up and people go berserk (Keep in mind that sharks are not even half as dangerous as mosquitoes ) What makes this film a classic: Steven Spielberg is perhaps one of the most reputed directors in Hollywood. Ever since he made this film, he has churned out classic

Give us some facts about this movie I can impress someone with: Of course the shark was fake. Spielberg created a mechanical shark for the film. I am still waiting for that day when human beings could train sharks to act in films !!!!! I am sure they would have acted better than Adam Sandler. :-D What is perhaps one of the most impressive facts about ‘Jaws’ is that the shark doesn’t even appear on the screen until about half way into the film. Until the shark appeared Spielberg managed to sustain enough tension to prevent the audience from being bored. And he succeeded. His ascent to ‘legendary’ status began with this film. Also there is a scene in which you will notice a shooting star in the background if you are extremely careful. That shooting star was a real shooting star and not any

special effect. Shooting stars are said to be lucky charms and look how lucky this one turned out to be for Spielberg. He is a multi-billionaire today whereas he was kinda just getting started when this film was made. Controversial or alternate theory on the storyline: I just wish the sequels to ‘Jaws’ were not made. I feel so sorry that ‘Jaws’ spawned such horrible sequels. They not only tarnished the image of the classic original film, it also showed that some producers had the sheer audacity to produce bad cinema just so that they could make more money. I sometimes feel happy that the shark in ‘Jaws’ died. (spoiler alert). Because if it had survived and seen the sequels to ‘Jaws’ it would have died of shock. Does this movie enjoy cult status? ‘Jaws’ inspired a number of sharkthemed films and none of them have managed to surpass the critical acclaim ‘Jaws’ has got over the years. When Spielberg tried to scare us again in grand fashion, it was in 1993 when he made ‘Jurassic Park’ which we will discuss in the next issue.

By Reo Roy

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The biscuits Fri 2nd June

Sat 10th June Location Darkroom

Location 153 Madras Street Venue Winnie Bagoes City Tickets $25 + booking fee Available from Cosmic

Tickets $10 on the door

RHYTHM & ALPS

I ri e sessions Fri 23rd June

29-31st December

Venue Darkroom

Location Wanaka

Tickets Tickets on the door

Tickets Available from: rhythmandalps.co.nz

Brekky for Dinner Fri 12 May, The Foundry, Review by Hayden Slaughter

B What an awesome couple of weeks it’s been in the Tune-niverse! First we had Brekky for Dinner a couple of weeks back, presenting a fine selection of tasty music from Dunnerz. Then we had our biggest event of the year so far – the TuneSoc Battle of the Bands, with eight quality acts playing a variety of styles. Congrats to Mako Road for taking out the top spot! On a sadder note, unfortunately our esteemed Vice-President Campbell Lauder is leaving town. We’ve been super lucky to have him on board – he was the driving force behind these two major events (and many others), and we wish him all the best for the future. Next semester our focus is going to be working hard on growing musicians – watch this space. Until next time, TuneSoc xoxo.

facebook.com/Tunesoc

rekky for Dinner?! Why would I go to The Foundry to eat breakfast at dinner time? Well, you probably wouldn’t, but that certainly does not mean a big bowl of Soaked Oats, brought to you by The Butlers, would be an absolute Shambles! It is not often that you will see a crowd at The Foundry concerned with one thing, and one thing only; the music. On the night of the 12th of May, TuneSoc and BirdsNest Entertainment came together to provide one hell of an event. Showcasing two of Dunedin classiest acts, The Shambles and Soaked Oats, and Sumner’s very own The Butlers, the night provided an atmosphere built on love, groove, and the mutual appreciation of musical excellence. The Butlers opened the night, playing tunes to get your Nana and her Zimmer frame up for a boogie. Soaked Oats following this, pumped the crowd up to another level, playing their self-proclaimed Shoulder Pop bangers. Once the tasty entrées had been consumed, it was time for the main course. The Shambles provided an experience almost polar opposite to that of their namesake. The band was tight, the music funky, and the atmosphere ecstatic. If you get the opportunity to see any of these three bands, do not miss it, this was an experience I will not forget any time soon.

BATTLE OF THE BANDS Sat 20 May, The Foundry Review by Hayden Slaughter

“

God of Rock, thank you for this chance to kick ass. We are your humble servants. Please give us the power to blow people’s minds with our high voltage rock. In your name we pray, Amen.” – Dewey Finn.

ight bands, on one night, with one sole purpose, to become the greatest band in all the Tuneiverse. TuneSoc’s very first Battle of the Bands was the pinnacle of the TuneSoc vision, an occasion to showcase the finest musical talent that UC has to offer. An opportunity for the Lawyers to ditch the gavels, and pick up a microphone. The English majors to put all that creative writing to use. And the Engineers to actually see a girl in person. The night was sure to be a hit, and TuneSoc certainly did not disappoint.

Opening an event like this is never easy, but The Blitzkriegs got the night pumping like Darude, Sandstrom at a house party. Their hard, fast, and catchy punk style getting the crowd on their feet. Shades of The Clash, and The Sex Pistols shining through, The Blitzkriegs were a personal favourite on the night, and well worth catching at their next gig. The Reconstruction coming on second, providing some smooth and classy tunes. Just three members strong, and a keyboardist, bassist, and drummer at that, they put out a tight and enjoyable set. Some slick pop tunes, with a wild bass solo and a keyboard stand made from two stools and a guitar case, added to the overall experience that is The Reconstruction.

A familiar name to most UC students, Mako Road pulled together a strong set, channelling the increasingly popular Sticky Fingers vibe. Always a crowd favourite, their stage presence and performance got the crowd up for a boogie. If you were lucky enough, you may have even caught a glimpse of that illusive smile, across the cheeks of Mark Horner. Who needs a vocalist when you have a cornet player? Desifinado certainly did not! What an encaptivating

performance, they danced, and jived, and belted out some crunchy, funk infused, hard rockin’ metal, that I have never before experienced. Shout out to the cornet player, for undoubtedly the best outfit on the night too. Walking on stage, with a TV in hand, Saddles provided the weirdest experience of the night. Bellowing “Don’t fuck my sister!” at the top of their lungs, whilst a strange mix of Nigella Lawson cooking clips, NCIS hacking, Ben Lummis performing at a wedding, and Courage the Cowardly Dog played on the TV, Saddles got the crowed pumped up and prepared for anything.

TuneSoc is all about diversity, and Fall of Them, whilst not being everyone’s cup of tea, certainly made an impression. They shredded harder than a paper shredder, and got the mosh going like no one else. Their experience as a band shinned through, nailing some tight rhythms, and sweet solos. Fall of Them showing the talent coming through the Christchurch metal scene. Always a crowd favourite, Guy Dooney and the Battlers blessed the crowd with Guy’s sweet and sensual vocals, accompanied by masterful song writing, and a band full of talent. You could almost hear the ladies in the crowd swooning over the man himself, whilst they caressed our earlobes with such effortless and emotional tunes. Dooneyot miss these guys next time they play. James and the Immigrants finished the night with some funky pop tunes and a great rendition of Come Together by the Beatles. What a fitting way to end an already magnificent night, they pumped out some sleek and glistening melodies to put the final touches on an incredible Battle of the Bands.

A big congratulation to Mako Road for taking out first prize, with Guy Dooney and the Battlers in second, and The Reconstruction in third. The night was one to keep on the calendar for next year, with plenty of unhatched talent sure to come out of UC.

LIVE ON CAMPUS We asked residents - “What is the best thing about living at Uni Hall?” “How friendly everyone is, and the good vibe that you feel wherever you are in the hall. being close to friends and having good food available everyday.” “Making new friends and being able to go to people for help with assignments easily as everyone lives so close.” “We have built a bond with both friends and staff, from Christine in the Kitchen with excellent food and hot chocolates, to Jodi on security who really makes your night that much more enjoyable. What can I say, Uni Hall is a family.”

“Easily meeting people by having heaps of activities which was awesome! and being able to receive heaps of help from tutors that uni hall sets up and the RAs.”

LUCKY DIp HOW IT WORKS: Two strangers, free dinner and drinks at Spags, and a written summary from each person that we broadcast to the world.

THE OTHER SIDE

ONE SIDE I turned up to this Lucky Dip situation bascially out of spite. My flatmates are horrendously cynical and told me it was never going to work out, and that whoever he was, I would have already seen him on Grindr. Spoiler alert: I’m rushing to the end, but the date worked. I think it was a combination of wanting to prove my flatmates wrong (btw I hate you guys and I’m fucking moving out –I gave my notice last night) and also the fact that I actually hadn’t seen him before on Grindr. If you’re gay in Christchurch, you’d understand. But we really clicked, and immediately planned a second date. Lol. Here’s what happened in our first. He was early. I was early. I knew. He knew. We awkwardly pointed, and arched eyebrows at each other. He wasn’t dressed for the weather. I had one thousand layers on. We ‘cheers-ed’ over a wine and quickly moved to the menu to break the ice. I had saved up an appetite all damn day for this, and definitely wasn’t holding back. We talked about absolutely everything, music, movies, study, flatting. We figured out we are walking distance from each other. Check. He has seriously the best teeth I’ve seen on a human being. He complimented my eyes. I probably went bright red but fuck it, I kept his gaze a little longer. I offered him my coat when we left and it was cute and oversized on him. We ended up at a bar, and bumped into a couple of his friends. A great night. I’m not going into any more details here, but we had leftover Spags for brunch the next day, and we both missed our Friday morning lectures. I’m writing this as I’m going to our third date. Thanks CANTA, thanks Spagalimis, and no thanks to Grindr.

I moved to New Zealand in January and have found it hard to move out of my comfort zone and meet other guys. This move means a massive amount of change in my life and I guess I wasn’t focussed on romance and dating. Ironically coming from London hasn’t helped with being able to approach strangers either. I saw him waiting outside and so I circled the block because I was so nervous. When I arrived he was there still, so I just took the plunge and said hello. Thank god it was actually him! He was pretty damn good looking. I was expecting a really awkward date but he made the best effort to keep the conversation going and we ended up having basically the same tastes in everything. Stacks of things in common. It’s creepy actually. It’s not supposed to happen like this. I just wanted to kiss him the entire night. This is not advisable when you’ve been eating pizza. I gave myself a pep talk in the bathroom and made sure I didn’t have any cheese in my beard. I’m a total mess and ended up with a flat phone. Not that I cared, I could have sat there talking to him all night. The flat phone worked in my favour in the end. We got the subtle hint to leave because we were keeping the restaurant open. Anyway, to cut a long story short, we have hung out heaps and it looks like we have a funny story to tell , yo u r s e lf S u b m it people how we met. te o r a tm a d fl yo u r s a s s ive er obse th o e m so e r to T h T in d e r e b e n’s C lu m e G e n tl w

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MEMORY LAME

Dane Rumble was an early prototype for Siri, an intelligent personal assistant and knowledge navigator on the Apple platform. Rumble launched a daring and somewhat lengthy escape from Apple HQ, allegedly being triggered by Steve Jobs instructing him to â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;play music on iTunesâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;. After dance-sprinting on the bottom of the ocean for months, he reached New Zealand and his beep boops were released as chart topping singles. Rumble eventually succumbed to water damage at the age of 3. His infrastructure is currently on rice in an undisclosed location.

420 THOUGHT

Bru shing your teeth is the only time you clean your skeleton...

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