CANTA issue #1, 2017 by UCSA

C A N TA HOW TO STUDENT | PG 12

5 ANONYMOUS WOMEN TALK

DR ROD’S 90K | PG 14

ABOUT: TINDER | PG 18

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THE WELCOME BACK ISSUE

Issue 1 .

CONTENTS 06

NEWS

I N V E S T I G AT I V E F E AT U R E

WELCOME TO THE UCSA

5 ANONYMOUS WOMEN

You know, that stuff your grandparents read

YOUR students’ association

T his issu e ’s to p ic : T in d er

UC CLUB PROFILES

Spotlighting some of UC’s most interesting clubs

HOW TO STUDENT

Vital information for freshers and seniors alike

C R I T I C A L A N A LY S I S

A look into Vice Chancellor Rod Carr’s 90k payday

F L AT FA M O U S

Understanding Christchurch’s new Local Alcohol Ban

Featuring local bastions of student life

C A N TA C O L U M N S

ANTI-SOCIAL

RDU GIG-GUIDE

LUCK Y DIP

Thoughts and opinions from your fellow students

Your snaps & chats

All the info you need to plan your perfect week

We sent two single students on a blind-date. The results were... interesting

Editor’s Note How do you do, fellow kids? If you’re new to UC and CANTA, this is how CANTA has always been. We’ve always been this good. If you know I am lying, you’ll notice a new look for CANTA with some new features. It’s a fancy new face on a very tight, sinewy, 87 year old body. Lets have a milkshake sometime, sonny. I’m new too - I like like long walks on the beach, being blocked by c-list celebs on Twitter and avoiding my voicemail. Hi!

In summary CANTA is great. Everyone comments on how great our magazine is, and let me tell you, there’s no problem with our magazine. Everyone agrees we have a fantastic magazine. There’s no problem with our magazine, believe me... Send me emails, letters and comments. Also send replacement chicken nuggets with ranch dressing because they were on T-Pain’s rider for his gig. Joshua

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Letters to the Editor Email letters@canta.co.nz | <10 0 words | Free coffee if we like your letter

Dear Canta, I just wanted to say how disappointed I am with the way society is these days. People are rude, selfish, and unreasonable. This type of behaviour seems to have increased over the last few years. Why is this? Have we all just decided that the “golden rule” doesn’t exist anymore? If you are reading this and do not know what this rule is, please Google it! Dear CANTA, There is a rumour going around that the construction workers on campus are only allowed to look at (female) students for a maximum of three seconds. As in, they must look away after three seconds, or they’ll lose their jobs. This made me wonder if the reverse is also true? If a student looks at a construction worker for more than three seconds, are they likely to be kicked out of uni? Because that would seem to the only fair thing to do. In fact, it might be best if nobody looks at anybody. And we all just cut our eyes out and walk around groping at the air as we try to work out where our next lecture is. That’s the kind of world I want to live in. Signed, R. Charles. We don’t deal in rumour around here. Unless it involves being urinated on by Russian sex workers. Then we lap it up. – CANTA Dear Canta, Canterbury University needs to get into the 21st Century. I’m not going to carry an ID card around in my pocket with some shit photo taken in a security office. We need to be able to submit our own photo. Some of us have standards. KK We feel for you, KK. We’re also hideously deformed. – CANTA

Issue 1 .

Remember that we all have to be on this earth together, so why not be kind to each other. Don’t just scream until you get what you want; we are not babies anymore.

My name is Peter Lawson, a merchant in Dubai, in the U.A.E. I have been diagnosed with Esophageal Cancer which was discovered very late, due to my laxity in carrying for my health. It has defiled all forms of medicine, and right now I have only about a few months to live, according to medical experts. (abridged) Look mate, how many times do we have to send you our bank account details?? Send us the f@#$en money already! – CANTA

Remember to use your big person words and your inside voice. Sincerely, Scared for the Future Dear Canta, Are you giving away free coffee this year? I only ask because my younger brother is dying of a rare form of gonorrhea that can only be cured with coffee. But, alas, my family is too poor to buy him the flat whites he desperately needs. Yours sincerely, Jeretich He gon’ die. – CANTA

Canta, Every year I start uni, I see beautiful young women walking around campus. And then, three months later, they all disappear. But where do they go? Do they hibernate? Do they migrate north? Does some weird Austrian guy lock them in a basement? Send all answers to j.fritzell@hotmail.com

CANTA, Can you please give us some sort of heads up on the number of dick jokes you’ll be featuring this year? We’ve got a drinking game going at the flat.

It’s even harder to see them from prison. – CANTA

Hi Canta 83 – CANTA

Dear Friend. As you read this, I don’t want you to feel sorry for me, because, I believe everyone will die someday.

Over the break I encountered what can only be described as a makeshift sleeping area on campus and I’m pretty sure someone was living there! There was a sleeping bag and stuff, some cans of food and a candle in a tin. Could you please print this letter so I can attempt to

please print this letter so I can attempt to contact that person? I just want to offer a couch or hot shower or something. My email is <WITHHELD>. Can Canta act as a go between for communication for this? Thanks, Concerned Anon Hi Anon, we can do that for you. This is a timely reminder for our students. We have advocacy and welfare support in place – contact help@ usca.org.nz or studentcare@canterbury.ac.nz. We’ve emailed Anon for more specific details and will make sure this situation is followed up. – CANTA This is for the writer who submitted the letter re: women’s fashion choices and a specific sex act. I’m not publishing you to give you a platform, but I will say... You just hypersexualised a piece of jewelery. WELL DONE. Also, well done on showing everyone you are a misogynist who won’t let women exist without objectifying them. It’s an innocuous fashion choice...just like your pissy satin boxers. Calm down. – Editor

At Eyes on the Road, our philosophy focuses on coaching our learner driver to become the best driver they can be. We achieve this by adapting our coaching style to suit each individual student. We train our students in a dual controlled automatic Suzuki Swift with a security camera installed.

Dear CANTA, I hear that Rod Carr is now getting paid around $650,000 a year to run this university. This begs the question: how do you make someone your sugar daddy? XX Steve

03 314 8247 | 027 247 0110 | info@eotr.co.nz Contact: Graeme Dalley

Keep your hands off our Rod, Steve. – CANTA

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LOCAL news

BE THE CHANGE SVA’s ‘The Big Give’ Student Volunteer Army was founded after the September 2010 Christchurch earthquake, when over 11000 UC students became involved in city wide clean-up and support. While this disaster period has now passed the SVA continues to play an important role within the community, providing assistance to those in need, supporting community groups and projects, and encouraging students to volunteer. CANTA caught up with Jared from SVA. Can you tell us what SVA is working on currently? At the moment the SVA is working on the biggest volunteering event we’ve held in the past 5 years, it’s called the Big Give and will involve taking 1000 students out to volunteer in Christchurch’s Eastern suburbs.

That sounds like a lot of work! Yeah definitely, but it’s totally worth it. Southshore, our event location, was hit pretty hard during the earthquakes. Hundreds of houses had to be demolished and families that may have lived in the area for several generations were forced from their homes. Adding insult to injury, the community there are now facing uncertainty over implications from rising sea levels. So we thought we’d get stuck in and give them a hand up, and have a bit of fun whilst doing it. Seems that Southshore could use a hand, what’s the plan? So on the 4th March the SVA is planning this massive volunteering day, called the Big Give. It will involve a range of activities from a coastal clean-up, to repairing several damaged beach access ways, restoring walking tracks and clearing away invasive plant species, as well as creating a brand new picnic area in the Southshore reserve.

U C Ta k e s To p S p o t i n University Challenge The University of Canterbury (UC) team has won New Zealand academia’s top trivia quiz show, University Challenge for the second year since the show returned to New Zealand screens in 2014. The UC team, team captain Stewart Alexander (PhD student in Chemistry), Liam Boardman (studying for a BA in History and Political Science), Catherine O’Donnell-Jackways (BA Law), Alexander Amies (PhD student in Mechanical Engineering) and Jack Hayes (studying for a BA in History and Japanese) won by a convincing 210 – 90 over the University of Waikato team in the

www.myunidays.com - discounts off retailers like ASOS, Apple, The Iconic and GHD. Think of it as a GoldCard but you’re not 75 years old

We’ve got some cool things planned, so you’ll get more out of it than just the warm fuzzies. We are setting up a stage out amongst the dunes and will be getting a few local bands to play during the afternoon, once the volunteering is done. The SVA is also providing a free BBQ lunch and you’ll even get an SVA T-shirt for your efforts. Plus, nothing makes a jug of Foundry Draught taste better than doing a few hours of volunteering. Looks like you’ve hit the nail on the head with this one, any last words? Jump on the old Facebook and track down our SVA Big Give event page if you need any more information, then tell your mates about it and let them know what an absolute hoot of a day it will be. The SVA Exec and I can’t wait to see you there!

final which aired on Prime on Saturday 21 January. Going into the final the UC team were cautious of their opponent, Mr Alexander says. “Waikato was strong all season and pulled off a huge comeback in their semi-final, so we knew we were never going to be in for an easy game.” He attributes their final win to some “aggressive buzzing and a little bit of luck with the questions”, but it was their broad base of knowledge in areas of engineering, history, political science, geography, law, pop culture, sport, history of science and chemistry which helped the team to a number of convincing wins over the other seven New Zealand University teams (Otago, Lincoln, Victoria, Massey, Waikato, AUT and Auckland) throughout the series.

DOWN

UP Building a Tiny House to live in while you’re a student at UC- seriously, Google it! Kinda makes you wish you got out of bed before 3pm at least once over the holidays...

Okay, so how would you convince a more reluctant volunteer?

H&M and Zara opening in the CBD soon. Choice = good. Ethical product chain = bad bad bad Every single app having messaging ...Snapchat is just a thread of me saying ‘Wait, what did I say?’ The music at Chiltons... every day is a TBT by the sounds of it

Massive payrises (ahem) Leavers Jerseys. See this edition’s cartoon; no one cares. Being clamped on campus in January.... someone out there needs a firm backhand

INTERNATIONAL news

BAD! Milo This story will totally surprise you; a college grant program for white males that is now taking applications is being blasted as fanning white nationalism Breitbart News senior editor and all round douchebag Twitter troll, Milo Yiannopoulos announced the ‘Yiannopoulos Privilege Grant’. The program, which is funded by the right-wing provocateur and private donors, began taking applications on Tuesday, Breitbart reports. Princeton University professor Eddie Glaude Jr. said the program was part of “a white nationalist agenda clearly and unapologetically.” I can barely type the rest due to my Olympic level eye rolling, so Google it if you want to ruin your day a little more. Good luck Milo, you are better as a hot malty drink that puts me to sleep.

Harvard’s Free Online 12-Module Digital Photo Course

GIANT CAT IS GOING TO KILL EVERYONE (maybe)

Want to learn photography from Harvard? (Yes, that Harvard.) It turns out you can easily do so, even without being a student. The oldest institution of higher learning in the United States offers a free 12-module online digital photography class as part of Harvard’s Open Learning Initiative. The 12 modules of the course will take an average student about 10 to 15 hours to complete, and they teach a wide range of topics in digital photography, including exposure settings, reading histograms, learning about light, how sensors and lenses work, and how to post-processing photos. All you need to know is on this very dodgy and not very Harvard sounding website:

Oaklands College in Britain potentially has a giant cat roaming around it’s campus, according to eyewitnesses. The animal was described as a large sandy coloured cat with a long tail, and it was seen between 8-9pm on January 25. One resident said she had spotted a ‘huge cat’ in the area at the weekend, adding: ‘It was huge, with a big swishing tale. I got back in my car and drove off as fast as I could.’ Oakland College is a rural campus, with a large animal section where students learn how to care for larger animals such as calves, pigs, goats and alpacas. There is also a working sheep farm there. Thomas Ellis, 32, said: ‘If I was a big cat, the animal pens at Oaklands would be top of my list - an easy meal.’ Pigeons don’t look so bad now, do they, UC?

http://digitalphotography.exposed/

3 MARCH, 7PM | $15

NZI Foyer, Christchurch Art Gallery Book now at christchurchartgallery.org.nz #chchartgallery

Image: Henrietta Harris

WELCOME TO THE UCSA Kia Ora UC students, welcome to 2017 – it sure is going to be a blast. Your Exec are located right at the entrance to UCSA offices in the Undercroft. Come on in and say hi! “So what does the Exec actually do?” I hear you ask. In summary, it can be split into three parts. GOVERNANCE: The Executive (made up of 12-elected students) is the governing body of the association and the equivalent of a Board of Directors or Trustees. As President I am chairperson of the Executive/Board meetings. Governance is there to monitor performance, give direction, and to hold management to account - essentially to ensure that the UCSA is operating for students. Executive Committee Meetings occur every fortnight during termtime. REPRESENTATION: The second part of the role is being a student representative at a UC level. The Executive sit on a range of college and UC committee bodies. e.g. Jackson White (Engineering Rep) sits on Engineering Faculty; and Engineering sub-committees including Health & Safety, special matters, and Academic Reviews. All major college matters then go to Academic Board which Emily and I sit on. The Academic Board then reports to University Council (governing body of UC), of which I am member of. SPECIAL PROJECTS: The above results in a lot of talking on strategy and governance. While all exciting for a student that hasn’t been exposed to that before, it can sometimes feel like you aren’t getting your hands dirty, hence why we also have a special projects fund. The project fund is for Exec members who have an idea or project on campus that they are passionate about, and directly benefits students. The Exec member is provided resources and assistance from UCSA staff to implement the project. Stay tuned for what is in the pipeline for this year! The President’s role is full-time, VP and Finance are part-time (approx. 20 hours), and other Exec positions are part-time (approx. 10 hours during academic year). Hopefully that helps!

James Addington President

Emily Barker Vice-President

Harry Beaumont Law Rep

Hana Mereraiha Te Akatoki Rep

Laura Robinson Education Rep

Sam Brosnahan Equity & Wellbeing Rep

Chanuka De Silva Commerce Rep

Josh Proctor Finance Officer

Thomas Gillman Post-grad Rep

Jackson White Engineering Rep

Ron Park Arts Rep

Riley Brosnahan Science Rep

James Addington UCSA President

Issue 1 .

Get 09 Getorganised! organised!

Professional & affordable Professional & affordable document binding document binding The Copy Centre Walk up printing and binding service The Copy Centre

Puaka-James Hightand Library undercroft Walk up printing binding service Monday to Friday 9am to 4pm Puaka-James Hight Library undercroft copycentre@canterbury.ac.nz Monday to Friday 9am to 4pm copycentre@canterbury.ac.nz

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10 C l u b Stu f f

club promoter A l l t h e b e s t c l u b e v e n t s y o u’ d b e a fo o l t o m i s s

CLUB: Student Volunteer Army (SVA)

CLUB: CUBA

CLUB: UC PSYC

EVENT: SVA Big Give

EVENT: Lake Day

EVENT: Sex-Ed Quiz

DATE/TIME: Saturday 4 March, 9am-4pm

DATE/TIME: Sunday 26 Feb, 12pm-4pm

DATE/TIME: Tuesday 21 February, 7pm-late

LOCATION: South New Brighton

LOCATION: Lake Rua

LOCATION: The Foundry

PRICE: Free!

CLUB: Backyard Cricket Society (BYCSOC) EVENT: Backyard Cricket Tournament and Afterparty DATE/TIME: Monday 20 February, 4pm-1am LOCATION: The Foundry PRICE: $12 tournament & Afterparty, $10 Afterparty This is sure to be the event of the year with the brilliant guys from the Alternative Commentary Collective, free snags and spot prizes to be won all afternoon. With the support of the Foundry providing you cheap beers and Thirstbat giving us the perfect BYC fusion vessel, we are going to provide you with your freshest day in O-Week! And once the cricket stops...the party starts!!! BYC have got you sorted for a wicket night of partying that’ll leave you stumped for days!

Issue 1 .

Profiling some of the newest, most mysterious and interesting clubs around

CUTC Canterbury University Tr a m p i n g C l u b Tramping (verb) - tramp-ing The art of walking carrying double the amount of gear necessary, half the distance planned in twice the time it should take. Whether you’re into tramping, easy mountaineering, rogaining, conservation, partying in the bush (or all of the above), CUTC is the club to join. We’re one of the largest sports clubs on campus with most members being students, staff, recent grads and other young outdoor enthusiasts. Joining the club has great benefits: regular meetings, instruction courses, discounts at outdoor stores, convenient gear hire, FMC membership and more. To join, visit our website cutc.org.nz or come see us at Clubs Day!

Key Events: Bushcraft: The Bushcraft course is the perfect introduction to tramping skills, such as navigation and river crossings, for those new(ish) to tramping and camping. TWALK: An epic, 24 hour orienteering event celebrating its 50th birthday this year. It is split into five legs, each around 15-20 kilometres long. Each leg has around 10 - 20 controls, which competitors will have find with the help of cryptic clues. Expect to see elaborate costumes and shenanigans galore. Bush Ball: A ball in the bush! This is a fantastic tradition that is not to be missed! There will be music, drinks and general craziness. Will you volunteer to carry the keg? Snowcraft: These courses are by far one of biggest events on the CUTC instruction calendar. A basic knowledge of snow skills allows you to get into mountaineering and significantly improves your tramping opportunities.

UCCSSS

University of Canterbury Chinese Students & Scholars Society 坎特伯雷大学中国学生学者联谊会是坎特伯雷大学相对年轻的一个国际社团。得力于新西兰当地对文化多样性的重视和包容，我们UCCSSS能够通过开展一系列的活动来推广博大精深的中国文化，也使得更多的国际友人了解当代中国的真实面貌。通过在坎特伯雷大学组织策划活动的各种经验积累，我们发现有许多当地同学和朋友对中国传统文化非常感兴趣，并且他们渴望了解与此相关的更多知识。他们经常自愿地帮助我们，还会介绍他们的朋友来参加我们的活动。坎特伯雷大学是一个拥有多元文化背景的学校，它提供了一个很好的平台让大家有机会进行深入、广泛地交流。而这些交流沟通不仅仅能帮助我们推广中国文化，还促使各国同学加深对彼此的了解。我们非常荣幸能成为坎特伯雷大学国际社团中的一员。

大多数的留学生（特别是母语非英语的同学）在来到国外后通常需要一定的时间去适应当地的新生活。之前，他们说不一样的语言，拥有不一样的兴趣爱好，成长于不同的家庭教育环境。对于初次离开祖国的他们来说，难免会在生活方面感受到种种不便。我们社团非常重视这些问题。作为坎特伯雷大学大家族的一员，我们致力于帮助中国留学生解决各种问题，使他们能尽快适应在新西兰的学习生活。如果你在坎特伯雷大学就读并注册成为 UCCSSS的会员，就能在我们举办的中秋晚会上享用到美味可口的手工月饼，还可以在歌唱比赛中一展歌喉。希望你能通过参加UCCSSS组织的诸多活动认识到更多的朋友。如果你是今年的新生，欢迎参加UCCSSS在2月25日举办的迎新派对活动，地点在图书馆James Height底层的 Undercroft 101室，我们热忱期待你的到来。

Submit your club to be featured in CANTA | < 300 WORDS | 3x PICS |canta.editor@gmail.com

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CLUB PROmoter:PROFILES

How to: poop How To Stu d e n t

here’s no denying that the Undercroft toilets are silent. This silence reaches peak morgue capacity. You can hear your hair and nails growing.

This poses the question; how can I pinch off a loaf when I am presented with CIA grade torture level silence? What is there at my disposal, when I am at my most vulnerable; a human organic fax machine, spitting out lolly cake without the lollies? CANTA has a few solutions. Consider these simple steps bandaids for your social anxiety. It’s a clear nail polish to gloss over the fact that EVERYBODY POOPS BUT NO ONE LIKES TO BE REMINDED OF IT. So here we go: the unofficial guide to Pooping Like No-One Is Listening. Step one: Pooping on a schedule like a guide dog. Plan your emissions. Survey toilet traffic. Avoid post-meal times. Think of your own body and it’s sluggish cogs... we all know you don’t eat enough fibre. You’re a student! You eat refined white things! Chances are most people around you are in the same boat. High traffic times are estimated at 1 hour post meal time. You’ve also got supplies to mop up any type of issue. Wet wipes, hand sanitiser, rosary beads, some tissues. I’d tell you to relax, but you’re reading an article on how to poop. Step two: choose your weapon. Your weapon = toilet stall. Surveys have indicated that the first stall you see as you walk in is the least used stall and therefore the least germ ridden, but fuck that. You need the furtherest stall from the door. I didn’t say you’d be clean, I said you’d be privately pooing.

Step four: be at one with your surroundings Know this: the paper dispensers are out to get you. Accept this, as it’s never going to change. The Undercroft toilets have notoriously thin TP and you will not have any success in gaining anything larger than a sim card for cleaning up your balloon knot. But you thought of this, didn’t you?! See STEP ONE. Organisation. Being at one with your surroundings means listening for additions to your audience. You could end up in here for hours. Did you bring a book? Step five: Bravery in the face of poop-ocalypse You’re done. Poo-Elvis has left the butt-building. So far? No noise. Don’t cry at this point. Try not to have a victorious poo cackle. Bowel Buddy has hopefully moved on, and it’s your chance to be brave and show your filthy, disgusting face. Flush, pause, wait. GO. Step six: rinse your shame I don’t need to tell you what you’re doing here. More than 30 seconds on the wash AND the same for drying. You have a minute, so use it wisely. Keep your head down. You no longer own this space. Anyone can come in at any point, so avoid eyes. Avoid life basically. Step seven: follow through (no, not that kind) Leave with confidence and pace. People who left a cable the size of a doughy baguette do not follow this prescription. They skulk. Avoid the skulk. You are a sanitised, waste free member of UC. Walk fast, on the way anywhere but a loo. Eye contact can resume approx 25 minutes post incidence or 3.5km from said toilet. By Joshua Brosnahan

Step three: Push it. Push it real good. There’s no time for smartphones. Hang up your bag, and get to work. Lay a moderate amount of toilet paper down. It will be whatever your sweaty anxious hands can grasp. This layer avoids the ploinkTM people KNOW the ploink, and they will IDENTIFY the ploink as a CODE BROWN.

Use wet wipes sparingly. I know you’ve seen the video of the iceberg of shit laminated wetwipes bobbing around in an English sewer. Be somewhat mindful of this happening here at UC and it running as front page news on st**f.co.nz

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TOP TIPS Apparently pooping with your knees up slightly works wonders. It aligns your unmentionable back passage to that of our savage ancestors.

Check out ‘Just A Drop - Natural Toilet Odor Eliminator’ you put a drop (JUST A DROP) in the toilet before you drop a deuce. Apparently it masks all smells perfectly. 15 valuable mls. Dr. Oz swears by it apparently... gross.

How to: cure a hangover

Fall into bed in your clothes. Sleep soundly for two hours and then fitfully for another two. Be unable to get back to sleep after 6am. Using only one eye, check your horoscope from your phone. Make sure to cross-reference it with the Person You Have a Crush On’s to see if today will bode well for positive vibrations between you. This will also enable you to feel closer to them in the likely event that you are not speaking/ they do not know you exist. Feel free to assume a more preferable horoscope if yours is no good. It is important not to dwell on things when you are in your condition. Get the hell out of bed.

Get your head under. What you are doing here is confusing your body into not knowing which of the horrors it is experiencing is worse. The cold or the hangover. The cold will win, I promise. The longer you are able to stay in the freezing water, the less hungover you will feel. This is science. When your body is pleasantly numb exit the water. Again, it is important that you do not stop yet. Drink the entire bottle of water you have brought with you and drive directly to the supermarket in your togs. Do your grocery shopping. Productivity is the perfect thing for you in this state. The key to this, again, is DO NOT STOP. You are a perfect, unfeeling robot of efficiency right now. Keep it moving.

You are a perfect, unfeeling robot of efficiency right now. Keep it moving.

It is critical that you ignore your hangover at this stage. Any attention given to it will only increase its power. This phase is called ‘Action’. Clean your kitchen with great focus. This will serve you later in the day when your hangover evolves. Only when your kitchen is spotless should you allow yourself pause, albeit briefly, to swear and hold your face in your hands and vow never again. Now snap out of it. Make an enormous cup of very sweet tea and wait until it is lukewarm before drinking it. Your body will be very sensitive to liquids at this stage, so you need something nonthreatening. DO NOT SIT DOWN. If you stop moving in these early stages you will never get up again. Think of your constant action as penance for poisoning your temple. It is now very important that you go and swim in a very cold ocean. Make it happen. March in with great determination. Do not pussyfoot around.

The hardest part will be submerging your bits – this will be unpleasant but it will take your mind off your hangover.

You are so good! Look at you! You are a saint. You are now In Credit. Send a few messages you’d usually regret…if you weren’t so virtuous! Eat the entire cake you baked…because you have exercised! Make an elaborate dinner… because you did the groceries! And finally collapse in a heap…because you haven’t stopped all day! Try it out and report back your findings. Good luck and good livers. By Alice Andersen www.ourtinylandscapes.com

STUDENT H AC KT I V IST • Buy tor tillas. Use tor tillas as plates. Eat plates. Wash nothing.

The next phase is called ‘Peckish’. Once you have finished your grocery shopping, reward yourself with a very cold coke with lots of ice. It is important to keep your body thoroughly chilled. This will not only serve in assisting you to burn off all the calories of the alcohol you consumed, it will keep you at maximum freshness. By this stage of your hangover you will be ready to eat something. Keep in mind however, that once you begin eating today, you will not be able to stop. You will get stuck in that endless quest for the food item or product that will fix you. No such thing exists. Bake a cake. Eat a huge meal. Eat a tiny meal. Have a snack. Eat an orange. None of this will fulfil you. But it is part of the process. Now you are in the final phase; ‘Reward’. You got up…and cleaned your kitchen! You went swimming…in the ocean! You went and did the groceries…on a Sunday morning! All with a raging hangover!

• Strategically place single M&Ms on your textbook, at the end of each paragraph. Eat once you’ve read the paragraph as a reward. Addtional bonus: never sleep again! • Purchase a small McDs fries. Eat half and return t h e m , s t a t i n g t h e y ’r e c o l d . Yo u ’ l l g a i n a f r e s h , full bag of fries. They k n o w w h a t y o u ’r e d o i n g but who cares. • Put a blue ink car tridge in a red pen. No one ever steals a red pen. • M i c r o w a v e b r o k e n? P u t your saveloys in the jug and boil it...maybe t wice.

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How to Stu d e n t

pend the evening in charming company. Drink cheap beer and expensive whisky and cider from Sweden. Solve all the worlds problems. Dance in your chairs. Tell each other all your stories until you run out and have to tell all of your secrets. Laugh until you cry and leave before you get thrown out. The radio will play your songs all the way home.

Dr. Rod's 90k C a n t a’ s l o o k a t t h e V i c e - C h a n c e l l o r’ s b i g p a y- d a y

ice Chancellor Dr Rod Carr has received a $90,001 pay increase for the 2016 financial year, according to the State Services Commission’s Senior Pay Report. With a portion of that increase - $31,000 - explained as a back payment for the 2014-15 financial year. Carr’s salary had a steady increase from between $550,000 and $559,999 in 2014-2015 to $650,000-$659,000 in the financial year to June 2016 Carr is now the second-highest earning New Zealand ViceChancellor, second only to Auckland University’s Stuart McCutcheon who earned $719,999 in 2016.

Who is Dr Rod Carr? His work within the community is prominent, particularly post-earthquakes with “building remediation and transformation which saw the University for a considerable period spending $2 million a week across more than 12 building sites, and substantially advancing a $1.2 billion Capital Works programme,” said Field. Due to the major damage to UC buildings, a huge marketing campaign was put in place to bring back enrolment numbers, which had plummeted after the quakes; the campaign resulted in near pre-earthquake numbers in 2016, that met agreed Government targets.

What is a Vice Chancellor? The best way to describe the role would be similar to a CEO. According to Jeff Field UC Registrar, The Vice-Chancellor is the employer of all staff and is responsible for all aspects of management of the University. A Vice-Chancellor is in charge of reporting directly to the University Council, and the Chancellor. Typically the Vice-Chancellor would attend ceremonial procedures such as graduation. They often offer leadership, academic assistance, and ensure the financial base, aims and objectives of the university are carried out effectively. The role requires Dr Rod Carr to be on call at all times, except when on annual leave.

Issue 1 .

UC’s Collective Employment Agreement document found that UC academic staff, received only a 1% increase each year from 2015-17. Whereas Carr’s increase was that of about 20% within those years.

– previously worked for Bank of New Zealand and National Australia Bank.

C ritica l A n a lys is

Dr. Rod’s CV

Let’s spend $90,000:

– previously Managing Director of Jade Software Corporation Ltd

– 5 years at the Reserve Bank as a Director and Deputy Governor

– undergraduate honours degrees in Law

and Economics from the University of Otago

– MBA in Money and Financial Markets from Columbia University

– MA in Applied Economics and Managerial Science

2 average NZ salaries 14 years of study 9TB of internet at the UC halls of residence

– a PhD in Insurance and Risk Management from the Wharton School, University of Pennsylvania.

– Trustee of the Christchurch Earthquake Appeal Trust

The money: The commission justified the increase as reflecting Carr’s raised responsibilities since the 2011 Canterbury earthquake. Yet there were also nation-wide increases to other, similar roles within tertiary institutions. This increase and its reasoning were supported by a spokesperson for the academic institution. External individuals within the public, are sceptical in regarding the increase as justified.

257 student parking permits for 2016 Over 35,000 bus rides 514 weeks of student allowance 45,000 $2 rice/noodles at the Hot Wok

The raise sparked outrage among staff and students, with criticism in particular directed at the size of the increase – at $90,001, almost twice the median Kiwi income according to Statistic New Zealand data. Carr’s new salary pushes him more than $200,000 – or 4.5 median wage workers - above even the Prime Minister’s earnings. When John Key resigned in 2016 he was earning $448,569 including a 4% pay rise. Carr’s remuneration on the other hand was set by the University Council’s Vice-Chancellor Employment Committee, to include employer superannuation contributions and an at-risk component based on performance. By Sarah Jadallah

Over 81,000 sheets of printing 36,000 1kg bags of rice 180 years of textbooks (@ $500 per year)

Sources available – canta@canta.co.nz We ek 1

FLAT FAMOUS

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rambunc t ious, she’ll say yo ho ho to

a b o t t l e o f r u m e ve r y d a y, e s p e c i a l l y Tu e s d a y s . S h e r e a l l y i s a D a n c i n g

Queen, as she is the current President o f U C a n D a n c e 2 017.

A n g u s : A K A T h e C o u r t J e s t e r. At

n e a r l y 10 f e e t t a l l (6’ 9 ” ) h e ’s o n e o f a k i n d , a n d ke e p s u s l a u g h i n g a s h e repeatedly knocks his head on the abnormally low door ways. Morgan:

a tree hugger in the

m a k i n g w h o, a f t e r a f e w t o o m a n y

shots, often starts actually hugging the trees, and then peeing behind them.

Flat couple Kevin and S***a: t h e l a t t e r n o t w a n t i n g t o b e i n v o l ve d in the photoshoot because she has a

‘r e p u t a t i o n t o u p h o l d ’. N O G R O C E R Y VO U C H E R F O R YO U!

The first FLAT FAMOUS for 2017 has a 70s mansion in The Walking Dead kinda vibe, even with a zombie flatmate on the couch who literally didn’t move for the entire photoshoot. The highlights for us were Lunar the flat bunny, and the second story window ledge covered in hundreds of bottle tops. Here’s what Morgan had to say: ‘Our flat is really more of a palace in the making than a student home. We all have been thinking about how lucky we are that we get to live like kings for the next year. Not only does our flat boast a leaky glass terrace, but it also can fit in 10 people. The minuscule living room ensures that we will not freeze over winter, because we will all need to sit on top of each other to fit. Body heat will protect us against those harsh Christchurch winds. Of course, we have to choose between paying the rent or paying for power, and candles add ambiance to the chipped-paint walls. The best feature of our flat is the tub, which can seat up to 4 people. Perfect for those winter bromances’. To become FLAT FAMOUS, send your pitch to: canta.editor@gmail.com You could win heaps of free shit!

C A N TA I N V E S T I G AT E S – THE LOCAL ALCOHOL POLICY –

hristchurch declared to the world that it had a bold new vision mid last year. It’s time to ‘transform Christchurch into an edgy 21st century city with a difference’. Edgy. That’ll be us moving forward says the Council. Aside from the self-defeating nature of declaring yourself edgy, it was nice to see this. At least they were kind of doing something to temper the domination of the rebuild by pale male walking corpses. But this was in stark contrast to the proposals being made to adjust Christchurch’s alcohol legislation. Anyone outside a small inner-city area would be unable to sell alcohol after 1am. Edgy. The Final Provisional Local Alcohol Policy will introduce a range of other changes too. You won’t be able to buy booze at supermarkets or liquor stores after 10pm. One-way door policies will be imposed on a discretionary basis. The new policy will limit the hours of many current establishments outside 3am zone. It was venues in these areas that led the post-quake hospitality revival. The City Council applauds such establishments. In the same report that they announced their edge, they proudly noted that ‘vibrant nightlife precincts have emerged in Addington, Riccarton, Victoria Street and Merivale’. The new Policy will almost certainly lead to some of these venues closing, or at least becoming a little less vibrant. Making it impossible for anyone in Christchurch to get a drink at 1:30am unless they mission it into the city is grievous in itself. A person living in Hornby or Lyttleton should be able to have a few late-night pints without incurring an offensively expensive taxi. So who is leading the charge against late closing times? The usual suspects feature—The Police and the CDHB are sure to submit vociferously in opposition to anything and everything. Another force is that there isn’t much overlap between people who like to be on the lash at 3am and people who vote in local body elections; Councillors want to please their voter base.

Issue 1 .

Decrepit white retirees who have a fetish for seeing their names on page four of The Press also factor. Serial whingers Victoria Neighbourhood Association are especially noxious. Wowsersin-chief Bob and Marjorie Manthei have dedicated their golden years to furiously NIMBYing, trying to ensure that no fun is had past their bedtime in what has emerged as perhaps the only alternative to St Asaph. Thankfully the Council has chosen to largely ignore the Association’s death rattles, changing the proposed policy so that much of Victoria Street will be in Area A (3am closing) and giving the rest (including The Carlton) a three-year 3am grace period before the 1am limit kicks in. Long live The Bog. The Police, CDHB, and co. object on the usual grounds of reducing alcohol harm. We should, of course, expect these organisations to advocate for harm reduction. Alcohol-fuelled violence, crashes, and crime are a scourge. Likewise the pressure alcohol related medical incidents puts on the healthcare system. But I am not at all convinced that the changes put forward in the Provisional Local Alcohol Policy will reduce alcohol related harm. New Zealand has a serious drinking culture, and it’s a little optimistic to think that making town a bit more shit will even make a dent.

Young people tend to be the biggest drinkers and the biggest dickheads. We drink more, fight more, crash more, get hospitalised more. But, overwhelmingly, this harm does not happen in town. It happens at house parties. While it’s a bit of a charade—‘Yeah just a couple of beers tonight mate’—the reality is that it’s harder to get seriously, dangerously blitzed when you’re heading out to town. Having a taccy in the Empire loos isn’t by any means rare, but it’s less common and less harmful than conking out in a bush at a flat party where no one can see you.

None of this applies for flat parties. Young Cantabrians will drink—a lot—regardless of how good town is. What the quality and accessibility of late-night establishments does affect is whether people will get fairly fucked and go to town, or spend the night at flat parties and get dangerously fucked. Anyone serious about alcohol related harm reduction should be a strong advocate for vibrant, accessible, well-run, and fun nightlife. Providing an attractive alternative will reduce alcohol related harm. Slashing people’s nights short will have negative consequences too. Wednesday night at The Craic. A few hundred drunk people having an arguably good time. Two endings: Option A: Lights on, everyone out. Now there are a couple hundred drunk people on Riccarton Road who are a bit pissed off that their night was cut short. Option B: People keep singing and sifting until they want to leave. The crowd dribbles out and heads for Hunger Busters over a few hours. The Police and the CDHB seem convinced that Option A is the better one here. This will almost certainly become a reality later this year.

To me it sounds like a great way to fuel trouble. From student and University perspectives, a quality and diverse nightlife is important. Not many of you reading this came to UC because of Christchurch’s renowned party scene. Being a more attractive student destination is incredibly beneficial for a university. If Christchurch was a more exciting place, then more people would want to study here. The same applies for young people in general. Being a place where young professionals want to be is a boon to any city. Currently there’s a definite flight of graduates to Wellington and Auckland. The Council needs to make this an attractive place to live as a young professional. Part of that is a flourishing nightlife. Everyone wins when there are educated, energetic people to fill and create jobs. There are plenty of other reasons to want a decent nightlife too. For one, it’s a hell of a lot of fun. A good night out on Courtenay or in the Octagon is fucking great, and restrictive alcohol policy is a statement that fun of that sort is not allowed. In many places around the world, nightlife is a central part of being a young

person, and that’s something that the Council seems determined for us to miss out on. Letting residents have a good time is a mandate of all councils. It can often seem, however, that young people serve as second class citizens in this respect. Certain kinds of fun for certain kinds of people. Yes, we should have family friendly events all around the city. But a 2am pint in Addington? Outrageous. Glassy retail quadrants, not clubs. Vegetable markets, not raves. It makes sense that boring old white people’s interests are salient in the rebuild. These are the people that have the influence, the money, the power. Take a look at the people in charge of the rebuild, and you’ll see a trend. Politicians, public servants, investors, business leaders—all old, usually white and male too. This is justified—the old bit that is—we want people with experience in charge. But the unavoidable side effect of this is that young people’s interests will be overlooked. Stronger efforts must be made to enfranchise young people in the rebuild process, to hear and act on what they want. Restrictive alcohol policy is only one part of this lack of meaningful consultation. If the process isn’t fixed, then our city will be filled with sanitised street art and stale bars. By Matt Amos

Curr ent r eg ulat ion s

New r eg ulat ion s

7am – 11pm off-license hours. – 3am on-licenses available in many areas, including Riccarton. – Casino and hotels exempt.

7am-10pm off-license hours. – 3am licenses only available in certain areas of the central city. 1am licenses available in all other areas of Christchurch. Victoria Street between Salisbury Street and Carlton Corner given a 3-year 3am grace period. – 4am Night-club licenses available if venue opens after 5pm and earns less than 70% of their revenue from food and booze. – Casino and hotels exempt.

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Inve s tig a tive Fe a tu re

Establishments have their business on the line if they serve intoxicated people. Anyone approaching alcohol poisoning levels will be evicted and/or taken care of. Emergency services are nearby. Any fights in or near clubs will be dealt with quickly before they can escalate. Checkpoints abound, and taxis and Ubers are easier to get. Through bouncers, bartenders, and Police, town is a supervised place.

UC PGSA Research Spotlight Shining a light on the work of UC post-grads. This could be you one day!

Sustainable Development in the Pacific This week we talked to Thomas Gillman, who you may recognise as your post graduate representative in the UCSA, about his PhD research on Sustainable Development Methodologies. Thomas’ research focuses on the gap between humanitarian and development aid in relation to climate change and how Smaller Island States in the Pacific are challenged by the fundamental issue of aid effectiveness; specifically capacity, coordination, monitoring and evaluation, leaving the question how can access to aid funding be expedited in the current volatile geopolitical environment?

After completing his PhD, he plans to take some time off while working on other projects “I would really like to write some poetry. A mate, who is a photographer, and I would like to put together a short book with pictures and poems talking about the PhD pathway and process. The first poem will be titled, “A balance between Do-Bro’s and scribbling, the perfect amount for effective writing”. From here it would take a slightly more serious turn and explore how the research impacts the world which we are connected to and engage with, and the lives of those on both sides of the text. We are open for others to add to this book, so if you got some awesome texts let us know.“ If you would like to learn more about Thomas’s research or the UNDP, email thomas.gillman@pg.canterbury.org.nz.

Confused? So was I. So we asked Thomas to simply the topic. “Broadly speaking this research explores the power dynamics that govern our current world system”. Thomas chuckles and adds, “Unsure how many people will stop reading now, but no stress”. He continues, “Our world is defined by the perceptions and demands of those with power and if we do not engage with this critically then it is very difficult for those who live on the margins of this power to have a strong input into the global agenda. Aid is often utilised as a foreign policy tool by countries and so it can also be understood as a tool of influence. Thus, there is a need to explore the way in which aid is implemented and dispersed in order to question the current power dynamics.” With an undergraduate background in a Bachelor of Arts in English and History (with some Philosophy thrown in), his research is based here at UC and will involve future field work in the Pacific Islands and Europe.

“Those BA’s can get people places!” Thomas was inspired to undertake his PhD while living in Samoa, working for the United Nations Development Programme (UNDP). The UNDP is a division of the United Nations which tackles a whole range of issues in developing countries, aiming to eradicate poverty, inequality and exclusion.

5 anonymous women C A N TA ran domly selec ted 5 wom en an d gave th em win e , fo o d an d a dic t aph on an d sl owly ba c k e d away... h e r e’ s a n i n s i g h t i n t o t h e m i n d s o f 5 a n o n y m o u s w o m e n a n d t h e i r t h o u g h t s o n t h i s i s s u e’ s t o p i c : T i n d e r .

Tinder horror stories: “My friend met her long term boyfriend on Tinder. After a year she found out he was hooking up with this really gross chick on Tinder. She lost her shit at him and their relationship went downhill from there.” “Wait, he was still on Tinder?” “Yeah.. apparently he was lonely, or something” *collective groan*

“You get to try before you buy” “One night I was serving a family at a restaurant I worked at, and I matched with the son while they were sitting there” “Oh my god, and then what?” “ Surely he must have known!” “He did! I’m picturing him in the back of the family stationwagon furiously trying to find me before he got too far from the restaurant.” “I flat with a woman who lives vicariously though my Tinder. But here’s the thing; she’s a teacher. She makes me match with the old boys from her school that come up. She’s like, NO he’s a dick, YES, oooh he’s lovely”. “My friend met with this old guy and he paid her $600 just to have coffee with him.” “...That’s all?” “So, like a sugar daddy without the commitment, AND you get free coffee?” “Yep, pretty much”. “What’s in it for him?” “Company I guess.” “Expensive coffee” *laughs* “ I know a guy who does that. He just pays this girl to come have dinner with him because he has hardly any friends” “It’s so weirdly innocent but I’d still feel so guilty!” “If it was just conversation I would legitimately do that” “Google it then!” *laughs*

“My friend soley uses Tinder for free dinners.” “WHAT? Seriously?!” “She even keeps a diary of all the dates she goes on” “How does she know the guy will pay though?” “I guess... she just... I dunno? She’d pay, but I guess it’s just the thrill of it” “That’s terrible!” *laughing*

Mistakes people make on Tinder: “Photographs surrounded by the opposite sex – I’m like, ‘ I’m not competing with this bitch. Fuck that” *laughs* “Profiles that say ‘I love getting on the piss’. This says nothing about you. We want personal details!”

“I looked at my boyfriend and thought, ‘ just based on his face... which way would I have swiped?’” “ Tinder parties where you invite everyone you’ve matched with” “That’s a thing?!” “Yep – but as a woman, would you turn up?” “NO!” *laughs*

Tinder and age: “When you change your age range to 55 and you see all these old guys who have put their age range down to 20”. *collective AHHHH!* “There were like 45yos looking for 20yos on Tinder. It creeps me out. I couldn’t do it.” “I’ve never dated anyone younger than me apart from my current boyfriend. If my Tinder wasn’t set to a lower age, I never would have matched with him, so don’t discount the younger guys.” “That’s a good point – maybe you’d miss out on people that can be good matches for you.”

“Guys clock Tinder like it’s a video game” We ek 1

CANTA COLUMNS Submit your column to canta.editor@gmail.com

For this first one, we thought we’d start with the most basic -- and maybe also the hardest -- question about feminism: What is feminism?

The F-word Episode 1 Welcome to our column! In this space the FemSoc exec will write about all things feminist and what happens on campus here at UC.

Cutting Out the Middle-Man By Ollie O’Connell One of the seven holy sacraments, reconciliation causes much discomfort for the increasingly individualistic Catholic youth of today. The concept of telling your sins to a much older man who you rarely know, is difficult for privacy obsessed teenagers already genetically determined to defy authority. Why can’t they repent directly to God?

Feminism questions taken-for-granted social notions that affect men, women, trans-people, gay people, intersex individuals, asexual people, racial & religious groups etc. Feminism stands for creating a more just society by critiquing existing social structures that benefit only a certain section of the society. For instance, why are the suicide rates of men so high? Why do young women fall into eating disorders more than men? the honest exercise. With acoustic music playing in the background, and the smell of incense in the air, tense students one-by-one entered hidden rooms where priests they had never met waited. It was awkward. I didn’t want to do it.

Throughout my Catholic education I was persuaded, by either social pressure or teacher’s encouragement, to partake in

Why can’t I confess in my bedroom? God is omniscient; it is declared in both the Old Testament – “Even before I speak, you already know what I will say” (Psalms 139:4) – and the New Testament – “God is greater than our conscience, and he knows everything” (1 John 3:20). Therefore, whether or not I’m truly remorseful is already known by God, and if he is infinitely benevolent, he will forgive me regardless of a priest’s participation in the process.

Zimme r-frame

In my opinion it’s nothing like any other social construct we’re fed throughout life.

By Anon I remember when I first arrived here and I felt very alien – it didn’t help that I was an older student, walking around with a zimmerframe at the ripe old age of 26. .The good thing is, no one cares. The bad thing is, no one cares. Sometimes this place is overwhelming. It can be a lonely existence, where you go through the motions, in and out of lecture theatres and eating lunch alone.

Issue 1 .

Uni really is a place where you need to step out a little and do something different. It really helped me joining a society in my first week in campus. To be honest, there were only a few people I felt were normal in my club but hey, I was out of my comfort zone and meeting new people. This might seem basic, but make sure you attend tutorials too – it’s a chance to get to a different level with other people.

Why do we need it at UC? At FemSoc, we believe that UC should be as equitable and safe a space as possible -- and we think most people will agree with us on that. Unfortunately like on other campuses around the world, sexism, racism, homophobia, transphobia and other forms of oppression sometimes happen on our campus as well. We would like to open discussions on these issues rather than hush them down so that we can find solutions and work toward a better, safer campus for all.

Biblical evidence supporting reconciliation is weak. When James says, “confess your sins to each other” (5:16), the ‘other’ is never defined. Earlier in John, when Jesus tells his disciples that “If you forgive people’s sins, they are forgiven” (20:23), he doesn’t specify that this truth refers to all following priests. The modern Catholic Church has a perception problem among youth; letting sinful children and blasphemous teenagers to connect personally with God at their own speed, during their own time, in their own space, consequently eliminating the middle-man, would help bridge that gap.

At the end of it all, we’re all here for a similar reason; higher level learning and an outcome that betters our life. That’s a good enough reason to make a connection with someone!

H a r d ya r d s The UC Film Club put in the hours watching classic ‘ m u s t wa t c h f i l m s’ s o th a t y o u c a n pr e t e n d y o u’r e c u l t u r e d .

Movie details: Inception (2010) by Christopher Nolan Why should I pretend I’ve seen this film? Because after you see the movie you might question the validity of your existence and everything around you. What if life is a dream and reality is fake? What if Leonardo DiCaprio and Tom Hardy being in your wet dreams isn’t just your subconscious? One sentence sum up of the plot: A ‘dream’ thief is forced to do the exact opposite of what he does best; insert dreams into Cillian Murphy’s perfectly

quoifed head instead of stealing them. What makes this film a classic: It is considered by some to be one of the greatest neo noir films to have been released of late. It didn’t receive universal praise, because almost everyone doesn’t understand it on the first watch – but you still enjoy it. The concept of concentric dreams turned out to be very alluring. Give us some facts about this movie I can impress someone with: Christopher Nolan started writing the movie’s script 16 years ago in 2001, and sold it to Warner Brothers in 2009. If the

first two Batman movies that he directed hadn’t been successful, this movie might have never seen the light of the day. Controversial or alternate theory on the storyline: Dom Cobb might have never woken up from his sleep. He might have not died either. This is actually a likelihood; Nolan has been fucking with our minds since 2010. Some say that Dom Cobb from Inception is actually Jack from Titanic, thus the water motif. Those people are stupid. By Mitodru Roy

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Issue 1 .

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GIG GUIDE

Thu 23rd –

Uberjak’d @ The Cotton Club

Wed 1 5th – Shannon Söderlund (Acoustic Show) Live @ Orange

Thu 16th – Nomad @ MONO –

Fri 17th – Tan for Toga @ The Foundry – Fresher Friday @ The Foundry

(1063c Ferry Rd, Ferrymead. Access via Kite Lane)

– The Restarts @ darkroom

Fri 24th –

Sat 25th –

Tu e 2 8 t h –

Foam-Oh (All ages) @ The Foundry

Dark Disco @ darkroom – Ultimate Champion Wrestling @ Cowles Stadium

Kid Ink @ The Foundry

Sat 18th – TOGA PARTY

Mon 20th –

Tu e 2 1 s t –

BYC CRICKET @ The Foundry

Quiz night @ The Foundry

Thu 2nd –

Fri 3rd –

Savage @ MONO

Fresher Friday @ The Foundry

– Old Skool @ Becks Southern Ale House Wed 1st – Fresher Field Trip @ The Foundry –

Engineers without borders

This year TuneSoc (formerly the UC Music Club) is partnering with CANTA to bring you Gig Reviews in CANTA. Across 2017 we’ll be bringing you reviews of albums, gigs and university events. You’ll also get to learn more about what TuneSoc is up to.

Fat Freddy’s Drop – Queenstown: Campbell Lauder, TuneSoc’s Vice President was down in Queenstown early Feb for Fat Freddy’s Drop’s outdoor gig.

The Bats – Space Academy, Christchurch Tom Dench, TuneSoc’s Secretary checked out The Bats gig in late Jan.

As we reach the grassy ridges of the Queenstown Cricket Oval, the grounds are encompassed by the mountainous landscape surrounding it – providing the most idyllic setting for an outdoor concert. As the warmup acts finish up, Fat Freddy’s Drop begin to play, with the seven-piece band providing a melodic symphony of dub, funk and reggae, all culminating in a somewhat euphoric trance where you just can’t stop dancing and skanking along. Crowd favourites such as Blackbird and Roady are belted out by the fan faithful, while new tunes such as Razor are mixed with dark, and equally airy, clouds forming above to create an incredibly surreal atmosphere for the remainder of the show. The family friendly vibe which FFD possess is something to behold, with young children being piggy-backed on their parents’ shoulders or merely just sitting on a rug on the hillside listening to Joe Dukie’s soulful voice echo out to The Remarkables. If you ever get the chance to see FFD live in concert, then take the opportunity to do so because they never disappoint #doitfortheloveofmusic

When I heard that The Bats were playing a gig in Christchurch, I was super excited on my parents’ behalf. One of the bands on Flying Nun’s original roster, The Bats, along with label mates such as Sneaky Feelings and The Chills, had dominated indie rock playlists in the 1980s. When the music started, it was pretty clear that a much of the crowd were being taken back thirty years. The venue is a café during the day, and in lieu of a stage, the band set up on the floor in the corner in a way reminiscent of the DIY gigs of the past. The image was finished perfectly with a curly haired bloke in a windbreaker jacket dancing animatedly trying to impress his date, in a way that reminded me of every NZ 80s music video, albeit clutching a can of craft beer rather than draft ale. A groovy throwback in a modern, trendy venue.

U p c o m i n g Tu n e S o c G i g s We d n e s d a y 15 M a r c h , T h e F o u n d r y : Tu n e S o c o p e n i n g n i g h t . See our Facebook page facebook .com/tunesoc / for more details

The Foundry is now open for 2017 and we have some fantastic events lined up for you to kick off your year at UC.

Tuesday night is QUIZ NIGHT at The Foundry. Get your team together and come down for the best pub quiz in town. There are bar tabs to be won! Wednesday is the night we call…. CHEESE NIGHT. Get in touch with your inner cheeseball by singing a little karaoke, or having a go on the open mic. Bad dress sense encouraged. Cheap drinks and free pool all night! Every Thursday we have MONO NIGHTS at The Foundry. Come see Nomad on the 16th of February for our first MONO of the year. Check out the MONO Facebook page for more info. In case you didn’t know, have some super sweet student only Foundry deals if you use your V-Plate discount card. Pick a V-Plate up from any UCSA café or bar, from our office, or in the O-bag. Register it online and let the deals roll in! If you don’t want to bring your card to the pub, you download the UCSA app and save your barcode to your phone. See you soon! Toby @ The Foundry

UNIVERSITY OF CANTERBURY STUDENTS ASSOCIATION

ARE NOW FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS! DOWNLOAD THE RDU APP FOR DISCOUNTS AT ALL UCSA CAFES & THE FOUNDARY We ek 1

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COLENSO0287

LUCKY DIp LUCKY DIP is CANTA’s brand new, totally not stolen blind date feature. This is a chance for UC students to find love, lust, and more importantly free Italian food. HOW IT WORKS: Two strangers, free dinner and drinks at Spags, and a written summary from each person that we broadcast to the world.

ONE SIDE The evening began with a few cheeky wines out on the front deck with the gals, I knew it was a bit of a stitch up but sometimes you’ve just got to put yourself out there. Being the only single member of the family mum was thrilled that her eldest daughter was finally now on the quest for love, but if she had seen the drunken mess I was tripping out of the car and arriving fifteen minutes late to the restaurant she would not have been a happy lady. My date screamed ‘lad’ from the get go, ordering the spiciest food on the menu like he had a point to prove whilst spinning some ridiculous yarn about how he only likes red wine, he was oh so cultured. His effort at playing catch up was incredibly subpar on the alcohol front and on hearing that he was part of the intimate College House circle, this did not surprise me at all. He managed to slip in the conversation that he was 6 ft. 2 which not going to lie is a big point scorer for me, however because words such as lit, fam, breather and the phrase “stay scarfie” were tossed around so much it almost wiped half a foot off of his height. There wasn’t a quiet moment as it seemed we were both gifted with the ability to talk a ridiculous amount of shit, and I was extremely impressed as it’s not often I come across someone who talks more than I do. But then again, fuckboiz are generally blessed with the gift of the gab. All in all was a laugh, even though there are some patches I struggle to remember. Just some sneaky parting words to the man of the evening. Stay Humble x Cheers Canta!

THE OTHER SIDE After a long hard day of getting swoll in the gym and tanning my rig to perfection, I chucked on my best pair of stubbies to see what this lovely broad had in store for me. After deleting a significant amount of piss pre-date, I was sufficiently lubricated and ready to give this a go. Like the gentleman I am, I delivered myself to the restaurant 15 minutes early, just to make sure she wouldn’t have to wait on her own (boyfriend material). The lass turned up around 10 minutes later, moist and ready for a night of activities. We ordered a great feed, and I was thoroughly impressed by the sheer amount of food she could consume, I was really starting to get into this girl. However she wouldn’t budge. I used all my best one liners including “you don’t look too shit tonight” and “you can fit a lot in that mouth can’t you”, but none of them helped me get to the next base In a moment of desperateness, I went to the bathroom, quickly got on tinder, swiped right to every man and his dog, and effectively chatted some fresher-to-be to pick me up. In a swift attempt to avoid being seen, I popped out the back door, left her the bill and continued to top the night off how every lad dreams off - vomiting in the car and being told to piss off you pervert. They say chivalry is dead, but I just think girls need to lower their standards.

Submit yourself, your sad flatmate or some other obsessive Tinderer to The Gentlemen’s Club www.facebook.com/thegc.canterbury

Spagalimi’s UC special: 8 slice

$8 PIZZAS spagalimis.co.nz

CA NTA CUPID SAYS: Yeah, something isn’t adding up here. We know for a fact the date was paid for, and the guy was pushing 5’8 on a good day... Maybe we’ ll leave these two on their own path to love, pre-loading and Italian food. Keep swiping right, I guess!

Procrastination SUDOKU

4 2 0 T H O U G H T O F T H E D AY

Wrestling is where

two people with no

pants fight over a belt

COLOUR ME IN

MEMORY LAME Hi-5 were a notorious Australian drug cartel who held inner Adelaide captive for nearly a decade. Hi-5 were easily identified by their strong gang aesthetic and penchant for pastel coloured assault rifles. Their reign came to an abrupt end in 2009 when founding member Candy-G turned her weapon on police during a routine caravan check. This resulted in the deaths of all Hi-5 members and several of Adelaideâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s carnival community. Adelaideâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s ban on pastels is still current to this day.

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