Basant

I’m not the best at handling life, and I might not deny it if someone claimed I was the worst. Uncertainty drives me to the verges of madness, yet I have a mind full of question. And with question comes doubt.

In my own judgment, I am a pathetic liar for claiming my whole identity, which in core is only projecting, pretending, and trauma. Never a reality but always a reflection or reaction of other things. I strived for uniqueness, and it turned out, I was the nonexistent creature; I was the void among other creations.

At some point which I can’t determine, a sense of awakening dragged me into reality and with the crumbling of all the armors, I found myself naked as of fresh birth. I had to build myself up because the old one was rotten, fragile, and bound to be damaged, but what do I know of building with the silky hands I own? I turned nineteen knowing less of myself than I did at eighteen, yet the same questions standstill.

I was seeking define, yet all I had was undetermined. I looked for myself through the perception of others while never believing the good before the bad. I’ve read someone else’s words about me, claiming it’s all in the stars, and I wasn’t fond of the nonexistent freewill of being nor did I like the saying of the stars.

I used to say that I’ll use it for my Art. I thought my struggles would make such beautiful pieces, cause I found an emotion I could write down as other ones became vague and unsensible, but there are emotions you can romanticize and there are ones once felt truly to the depth, puts your life on paralysis and traps you in space and time; somewhere suffocating and venomous to the life I hold in the folds of my soul. All while a version of yourself takes over your place and poorly handles your life if at all.

I’m trapped in a box, undercover, and undetermined like Schrödinger’s cat. I might be dead, and I might be alive. One way to tell is by uncovering the truth from the lies, but until that great occurrence of uncover and define, I’ll keep on being like Schrödinger’s cat; everything and nothing until determined.

Egypt