Maria GUBIEVA

Did you ever notice that your body is speaking with you? It always seems weird and sometimes happens in wrong time. Imagine you are writing an article, talking with colleagues or friends, and your body is telling you that it’s tired, it wants to lie down, or by contrast – it needs more movement.

Do you ever pay attention to this voice? Come on, you are so busy with everyday life, you work a lot, you go to the gym regularly or learn languages. And then one obscure (yours??) body starts to disturb you out of a sudden. Annoying, right?

I think we don’t like when our bodies speak with us. Sure, we need the body to move, to go to the places we need, to eat, to enjoy life and many pleasant things. But no, please, no interruption. Just do your thing, okay? We don’t have time on those conversations.

You know, sometimes you don’t like your body. Well, you think it’s too fat or too skinny, flabby or clumsy. Almost everyone has complaints about their body, almost everyone wants to change this or that. Generally, blaming your body is kinda fashionable.

Me too. I will start from the beginning. I have big nose. Big caucasian nose. In the place where I came from big nose is a big honor. Your nose says a lot about your roots and family. Your nose – your legacy. That’s what adults think while girls want to be beautiful and are bemoaning their noses.

I was hating my nose for a long time. While I was studying at school and was surrounded by my narrow-minded classmates (as I understood later), I was suffering from the shape of my nose a lot. My classmates never bullied me that much, just were telling jokes which I hated with all my heart. So sometimes this voice could say something to me, but I always tried not to listen.

«You don’t love me truly. You think I am bulky and ugly. You could get your hair done, you could do make-up for eyes, lips and cheeks. But you could not decorate me in anyway. I had no choice except being whom I was. Ugly for you».

No, I am just imagining it. My nose cannot speak with me, I am imagining it. Look at the mirror, see the nose and be cam – you’re still bad.

We are sitting at school, we have English class, I felt in love for the first time into my classmate (of course, he is tall and smart) and I am so ashamed that I have such a big nose. I am trying not to turn my side on, although it’s almost impossible – he is sitting on my right.

«Why are you ashamed of me? Why you always dreaming about changing me? I know you talked to your friends about the ways you can do it. You think it doesn’t hurt me?»

Is it weird that this voice exists in my head? Okay, though. My classmate will never notice me in anyway. With such a nose, I can only perform in a circus.

It’s my seventeenth birthday. Very nice day. We gathered after school with my friends, were eating pizza, talking, listening to music and laughing a lot. At this exactly moment I should be one hundred percent happy, but my friend decided to take a photo as a keepsake.

Panic. I didn’t want to spoil my memories about such a wonderful day with my huge nose on half of the photo. I am trying to hide the nose with anything – my friends, jacket, hairs.

«Of course, you do it again. Of course, you hide me on all the photos by your hands and hairs – of course, they are much prettier than me. But I am also a part of you, and have the same value»

I am twenty years old and I am studying in university. I moved to a big city, I am an adult person, I am starting my career in an advertisement agency. I have my whole life apart, so many interesting things are waiting for me, my life is going to be extraordinary. But when someone starts to admire my appearance, or to say that I am beautiful and I have different face, I still hate it with all my heart.

I always blow it off when people say that my nose is outstanding and gorgeous. They try to convince me in my beauty, but, please, stop talking about my nose. Stop lying.

«You see? Even when people were telling you that I am not ugly, that I look special and I am your ‘thing’, you never trusted. You thought they just try to be polite. You didn’t trust even yourself, when sometimes you had thoughts that I am not so bad and you look cute with me. We can suffer long time like this without accepting each other»

I hate this voice in my head! What you need even? In fact, deep inside I know what it needs. It needs acceptance. Of me, my body and my appearance. Of my nose, after all! It just starts with nose, but goes so far and deep...

I am 22. I am graduating the university, I am working as an executive editor in the magazine I loved from 16 years old. I am starting to be self-confident, I start to understand the value of myself. I start to believe that my nose – is my thing, and everything I have is special.

«Thanks god, you grew older. Thanks god, you started to love yourself the way you are. You started to make jokes about me, kind jokes with friends which you were not ashamed of. These jokes did not hurt. They were full of acceptance and – I even can say it – love. You started to speak about me easily, you could laugh about me, you even started to like when your friends were talking about me. You started to believe people when they were saying that I am extraordinary and beautiful»

Now we are friends with this inner voice. I should say, it feels much better than when we were enemies. Was it the voice of my nose? Probably. But I think it was me – the one that I always wanted to become.