With a new term at UCC come new editors to Student Speak! And with new editors come a whole new direction, a whole new world (we’re not quoting Disney!), a whole new universe and a whole new age of awesomeness! So, in order for you to appreciate how fantastic we are, we thought we should tell you our favourite quotes. We’re sure you’ll find them interesting. Yes, REALLY interesting. We’d like to welcome the new Year 7’s, watch out for the moving stair cases! We’re sure you’ll find UCC a brilliant place where you will enjoy spending the next seven years . Our team of Editors are: Jenny Walker, Beth Josh, Chloe Jackson, Chris Brown, Ted Harbot, Gwyn Calder-Williams & Katie Potter. Jenny - “If everybody took an eye for an eye, the whole world would soon be blind.”
Chris - “Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible.”
Katie - “Live the life, live the dream. No fear!”
Beth - “And we find ourselves in the same old mess, singing drunken lullabies.”
Ted - “Life is a game and you’ve got to learn the rules. And take them seriously because it’s not a game. Got it?”
Gwyn - “Blind faith in your leaders, or in anything, will get you killed.”
Chloe - “Don’t regret anything, because at one point it was what you wanted.”
Student Speak would also like to thank Mr Pattinson. Without him we’d all be lost. Like Hansel & Gretel.
Rival Publication The Student Speak team has received news, from a very reliable source, that a rival publication has emerged within school. It’s called sUCCess (a grammatical nightmare) and it features articles written by teachers. We would like to assure our loyal readers that Student Speak will do all it can to quash the continued printing of this magazine.
ULLSWATER NEWS
The latest headlines from the world of Ullswater Community College
School to be School to release its own brand of ‘UCC Coffee’ moved to Somerset Head teacher announces plans to move entire school to western county “brick by brick” Many of Mr Pattinson’s recent changes have been somewhat radical but none more so than his latest plan to move the entire Ullswater Community Business And Enterprise College building over one hundred miles away to the western county of Somerset. When asked why he was planning this move, the head teacher replied that “the country air and soothing accents will be good for the children’s brain organs, not to mention the apples. We all know that an apple a day keeps the doctor away. Where better to get apples than Somerset?” The move is estimated to cost somewhere in the region of a lot of money and cynics are struggling to see where Mr Pattinson will get the money from. When we asked a cynic he said “I’m struggling to see where Mr Pattinson will get the money from.” Rumours abound, of course that the school trophies have been sold to raise funds for the suggested move. Mr Pattinson is certainly confident about the plan and, when asked if he was confident about the plan, replied “I am definitely confident about the plan.” Student Speak feels that his optimism is a beacon of hope to us all and, to him, the glass is definitely half-full. Half-full of apple juice. At least it looks like apple juice. It smells weird.
Tasters report that the coffee is ‘poor quality’. Photograph: Joe Stockdale
Ullswater Community College is to release a new brand of coffee, imaginatively called ‘UCC Coffee’. The coffee comes in cans and is designed to be heated in the microwave, despite warnings that “you can’t put metal in a microwave” from Mr Daley. The drink will be sold from the lunch halls and from vending machines around the school. It is hoped that the profits made will go towards making more ‘UCC Coffee’ and various other UCC-brand drinks, such as ‘UCC Bovril’ and ‘UCC Bottled Water’ (water from Ullswater lake). Several UCC-branded foods are also being trialled for mass production. These include ‘ChUCColate’ (a cheap chocolate substitute consisting mainly of reconstituted rat’s bone marrow and gelatine) and ‘UC Seafood’ (a dried shrimp snack, roughly equivalent to ‘SPAM’). Many celebrity chefs have apparently shown interest in the brands, including Gordon Ramsay, who described ‘ChUCColate’ as “(expletive deleted) disgusting”. If you would like a free sample of any of the above mentioned foods, or drinks, or have any ideas for new UCC-brand products, please ask at reception. The products can also be purchased in the lunch halls.
Correction: Student Speak would like to point out that none of the above-mentioned products are suitable for human consumption due to chemical content and their non-existence.
“It ain’t brain surgery!” Tired of reading the same old books? Have them implanted in your brain instead! Ask in the library for more info.
“It ain’t rocket science!” Interested in space exploration? A trip to the moon?
See Mr Cloke in Science for more info
Teacher wins National Lottery An Ullswater teacher, Mr Blür (pictured, left), has won over £20 in the National Lottery. When asked how he felt, Mr Blür, an English teacher said “Es ist unbeschreiblich. Es ist so schnell, es ist wie ein Weichzeichner passiert.” He does not plan to continue teaching.
‘Two-CC’? The University College Cork, in Ireland - also abbreviated to UCC - have claimed the rights to the name and may threaten to take legal action against the school.
Pope To Visit UCC? His holiness, Pope Benedict XVI, has hinted that he may visit The Lake District and Cumbria on his travels to Britain, and has shown a special interest in Ullswater and Penrith. Despite a distinct lack of Catholicism within the area, the Pope apparently feels confident that he will be “welcomed with open arms and hands clasped in prayer”. All of Penrith’s dentist’s practices will, of course, be closed for the duration of the visit due to the Pope’s inexplicable fear of dentists. The Cardinal will not be attending, due to gout.
ME
INE H S! T I SU H O N R STE ERY OW O F E R! V R E P T R S S U ’ O O T THA OOP ON ER, MR F OWN. SC BR CH SIDE RY TEA Y CHRIS B TO
YOU!
What are your passions in life? Cricket, sports in general, I’ve found that football interests me less, mainly due to the poor English performance in the World Cup. Who inspired you in life? One of my teachers actually, Ms. Warnes, she was my English teacher at William Howard. She was very laid back in terms of letting me get on and do what I wanted in lesson, which was very inspirational. What did you want to become when you were thirteen? Not a lot, I was quite happy to do very little, I was really hoping that somebody would just pay me to sit around and do nothing. Occasionally the term professional tramp was used. What are eight nines? *Long pause*… can you repeat the question? Eight nines? *Shorter pause*… Would be seventy-two. “I’d say stick to the history Foster, leave the maths to the professionals” At the age of twenty-nine, which I believe you are now, do you have any regrets? No, I don’t think so, other than actually getting a job and being stuck, I quite liked dossing around. Not being a student any more is a regret I’d be quite happy to still be one now!
If you could see any band live, present or past, who would it be? Probably The Doors, they’ve always been a favourite of mine, and I’ve seen most the other artists I’ve wanted to see. What would you say is your favourite film? Favourite film? ‘The Big Lebowski’, probably because of The Dude. If you were given the opportunity, and there’d be no arrests made, no inquiries, would you punch David Tennant in the face? Yes, but not as much as I’d punch Harry Potter, yeah I’d far rather punch Daniel Radcliffe Do you think paisley’s the coolest pattern in town? No it’s lime green, fluorescent lime green. Favourite quotes? I think it would be George V: he was told on his death bed that he would be fit and well to go back to Bognor and with his last breath he said “B*gger Bognor”. Those were his last words and then he died. Also, Spike Milligan who once quipped briefly before he died that he wanted his gravestone to read “I told you I was ill” Tell us a story. Where I used to go to university they had a Christmas day thing at the university bar, and my mate left about mid-afternoon and because it was so popular you’d have to queue to get back in for about an hour an hour and a half, so he was stood at the back of the queue, and he just had a pee down the hill. Now Sheffield’s on a big hill so his urine dribbled about three hundred yards down the hill, everyone moved out the way and he just strolled in. This is more of a ‘testing your teaching instinct’: Sayid believes he has accidentally taken his classmate’s pencil case home because it looks identical to his however, after checking, Sayid realises his classmate has put all of his pencil case equipment in Sayid’s original pencil case, which Sayid has. What would you do? Nothing. He has his original pencil case.
Year 1
11 Prom
“This isn’t pink! It’s cerise” Brendan McManus, “dog’s body” – a man young at heart. When you were thirteen what did you want to become? Driver of a tank, my cousin had a scrap yard and he built one up, I was never allowed to drive it but I could climb in it and takes parts off it for threepence-a-go. Threepence was a lot of money sixty-four years ago. Tell us a story. A mate of mine was drinking at our house, drank too much and was going to vomit, so he put a hand over his mouth got through the living room door and made a dash for the front door but the lock was on the other side, so being a bit of a dope he took his hand away opened the door and spewed all over the back of the door. Classic McManus Quotes! “Don’t pick it, lick it and flick it… Eat it” “You at the back stay awake; you at the front stay awake!” Bow-ties I was in industry, working and I saw a guy from Switzerland and he wore a bow tie to work he dressed immaculately and at the end of the day he would wash, change and leave looking smart. We’d go home looking dirty on the bus, I thought the guy looked terrific and from then on I wore a bow tie. And that’s why when I saw Harbs (Ted Harbot – field reporter) wearing one I thought what an elegant bloke! I wore an imitation school tie last week and that was the first tie I’d worn in forty odd years! I didn’t even know how to tie a tie. I’ve got both, clip-on’s and normal bow-ties, I’ve got about sixty, sixty-four maybe, I change them when I change my underpants… I think bow ties make you different, you know, I’ve got a strange name, I’m handsome, athletic, people used to call me Ming, Ming the Merciless, not for minger, because of my half-eyebrow. Sometimes I think I should complain. Oh yeah, I’ve had a great time here, really enjoyed it, it’s the kids here that I’ve really enjoyed teaching.
Written by Chris Brown
Please, Sir, Can I Have Some More High Quality Drama Productions? ‘Not in my school’, could have been Mr Pattinson’s answer to this question until he was touched to his very soul by a small boy’s performance. Students, parents and teachers alike were united during last term’s star-studded performance of Lionel Bart’s musical adaptation of Oliver Twist. The wackily titled Oliver! featured a host of well-known songs and students from around the school and Friday night’s performance even ended with a heartfelt speech from none other than Mr Pattinson, himself. The play began with an expertly choreographed and performed performance of ‘Food, Glorious, Food’ by a chorus of Year 7s, 8s, 9s and 10s. Chris Brown and some girl called Sophie or something lit up the stage with laughs and laughter as Mr Bumble and Widow Corney. Indeed, Chris Brown’s rendition of ‘Boy For Sale’ was “one of the highlights of the show”, according to Chris Brown. Another couple who provided comic relief during the play were Jack Hudstôn and Nicole McGuiness as a creepy husband-and-wife pair of funeral directors. They were expertly supported by performances from Sophie Fletcher and Jordan Summers and this quartet certainly featured in one of my favourite scenes, in which a small boy was put in a coffin whilst still alive. The following scene featured a mischievous performance from Year 7’s Jess Pullan, who charismatically sang ‘Consider Yourself’ with a wonderful atmosphere created by the chorus of street actors. Another golden performance was given by one of UCC’s veteran actors, Timothy John Müller, who played Dicken’s master of pickpocketry, Fagin. The audience was delighted by his acting and singing and when asked what his favourite part of the musical was, Tim said “What? Who’s Oliver? Where’s my whiskey?” But, luckily, Tim wasn’t alone on stage, he had Fagin’s gang, a motley crew of fine actors and young offenders, ready to catch him when he stumbled about, drunk. His scene also featured the introduction of Becca Black’s character, Nancy, who charmed the audience with her charming performance, alongside her faithful companion, Bet, played by Lydia Phillips. Act 2 of the play featured one of the most memorable characters, Bill Sykes, powerfully performed by Ted Harbot. Ted’s performance lit up the stage with rage and fellow thespian India Vollans said “He doesn’t just have rage on stage. He’s got serious problems. We’re all terrified of him.” Who better to play Bill Sykes? We asked Ted this question and he told us to “shut up”. ‘But who played the lead?’ you may be asking ‘Who was Oliver?’ Well, Student Speak can reveal that it was Kyle Summers, who gave a heart-warming and endearing performance. He was even described as “great” by a certain head teacher. The highlight of the show for many, however, was the wondrous performance of ‘Who Will Buy?’ featuring Charles Ritchie as the Knife Grinder, providing a powerful bass-baritone voice to the proceedings. To conclude, then, a great time was had by all and we must extend our thanks to all the teachers (especially the wonderfully hard-working Susan Shreeve), students and parents involved, who helped to make this performance the smash-hit sUCCess that it undoubtedly was. Written by Gwyn Calder-Williams
Ladies and gentlemen, can you use your very best detective skills to work out who our under cover member of staff is – using these random colourful facts and anecdotes from their life. My favourite food is curry. My first ever gig was Guns N’ Roses in their early (and better) days. I was attacked by monkeys in a SriLankan temple. After taking out a handful of cashew nuts, I was suddenly surrounded by a hoard of vicious, adult males, already covered in scars from their previous battles. The tourists nearby simply took pictures! Eventually I was rescued by the temple’s security guards, and lived to tell this tale. In a similar incident, I was involved in a dramatic elephant fight in Thailand. My previous jobs include sheep and cow farmer, and official Bushmills whiskey tester. Nepal is one of my favourite places in the world. I have kept chickens, guinea pigs, cats and a cow as pets. The cow was a present for my girlfriend.
WHO AM I?
Then
Now
When were you at Ullswater? I was at Ullswater from 1997 to 2004. Where are you now? What? (Slightly louder) Where are you now? Oh, right. I’ve just finished studying English and Drama at Goldsmith’s University. That’s in London. Home of Big Ben, The Houses of Parliament… Yes, I’ve been. ...The London Eye, The O2 Arena… What did you have to do to achieve this? ...The Hammersmith Apollo, Tate Modern, Tate Britain… Could you just answer the questions please? Oh, sorry. What was the question? I can’t remember now. The Tower of London’s in London too. Oh, I remember. What did you have to do achieve this? Achieve what? Study at Goldsmith’s University. I had to do my A-Levels, my GCSEs, fill in my UCAS form, write a personal statement. All kinds of stuff. Do an interview. What are your fondest memories of UCC? Where? UCC. Ullswater Community College. Oh, I see. All of them. All of them? All of them. What advice would you give to any UCC students who hope to go to a top University? None. Sorry.
Duke of Edinburgh: Gold
The all familiar Catbells loomed in to view as the happy memories of Bronze Duke of Edinburgh flew fleetingly into our mind, memories which were immediately dampened by the reminder that this was not Bronze but Gold; a four day expedition with a night of wild camping. Help. The sun was shining which lightened our mood somewhat. Until we started walking. With bags the weight of a small child strapped to our backs, a little breeze would have been more than welcome. Once at the top of Catbells, we still had a long way to go; Maiden Moor, Dale Head, Robinsons Crag but to name a few peaks which had to be conquered. All of which consisted of the dreaded uphill. Arriving at the campsite, a bit of optimism; finally the boots can be removed for a whole twelve hours. The second day began with rain. The group set off with grim determination walking alongside Buttermere in search of another footpath, only to find it had been washed away. Brilliant! Thanks for telling us. We didn’t mind walking a little further, its not like we had tired, blistered feet or anything. The ‘Wet Weather Route’ designed to be a little safer in poorer weather conditions, decided to take us up ‘Windy Gap’, perhaps not the most promising name in the current circumstances. It certainly lived up to its name, with the wind swooping down and picking up each member of the group, (teachers included) and throwing them down, yes quite literally, to the ground. Our ‘Wild Camping’ destination was definitely Wild. Tents were speedily erected. Food. Warmth. Bed. 7.30. Sorted. The rain was pouring down (much to the dismay of the lad’s leaking tent) and the wind was howling; leaving us all to wonder what would actually be left of our tent in the morning. Well, an eventful weekend and many memorable words including; ‘I want to die!’ and ‘This is the worst weekend of my life!’ And that was just the teachers… Written by Katie Potter
Dear SS, Why can’t I be on the Student Speak team? I enjoy English and the written word and I think I’d be perfect for the magazine. I know what this is about. You’re jealous. Jealous of me and my toned abs, tanned body and perfect hair. Don’t take it out on the students. I have a lot of interesting articles and ideas that I’m sure they’d love to read about. You and your so-called ‘team’ lack the eye for media and journalism which I have in spades. The Ace of Spades. Yours sincerely, Ben Pearson. P.s. Remember, there’s no ‘I’ in ‘team’ but there is ‘me’ in ‘team’. The Student Speak team, that is.
Dear SS, Your magazine is no good. Where’s the sport? Where’s the competition and the desire to better yourselves? You have no futures. I do. Yours sincerely, Joe Reid. Dear SS, I love your magazine. Yours sincerely, A. Nonymous. P.s. I love your magazine.
Dear SS, As I enter my final year at Ullswater Community College, I have only just begun to appreciate the comfort of a cup of tea and an Ikea sofa. I think I can speak for all of the Upper Sixth Form - whom after spending a year with wooden boxes for seating - find the ‘Tylösand’ range of plush furniture more than they could have dreamed of in their first year. In Year 7 there are changes too, the combination of new uniforms and attitudes is certainly having an effect throughout the entire school, arguably for the better. As the banner over the library proclaims, records are indeed being ‘smashed’, be it in levels of Sixth Form comfort, results, staff training or numbers of lost clip-on ties. As an avid, long time reader of Student Speak, I jumped at this opportunity to write for what may be one of my last Student Speaks; as such I would like to take this opportunity to thank all past and present contributors and editors for providing an entertaining and sometimes ‘interesting’ view into events at Ullswater. I am sure this new generation of Student Speak, the birth of which you have witnessed in this article will be a complete sUCCess. (No pun intended). Yours sincerely, A. Student (A. Wright).
Letters From You. Send Them. Now. You might have noticed the ‘Student Voice’ page is looking a tad bare this term. Now I think about it we really shouldn’t have allowed it to take up a whole page with so little content. You can fix it, though. We want your opinions and fast! What do you think of school? The teachers, the students, the lessons. Just hand your letters in at reception, or in the English department, and say they’re for the Student Speak team. We’ll also accept poems, short stories… we’ll print anything really. Please. We’re running out of ideas.
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For about the past six months UCC Cheerleaders have been training extremely hard to get two routines together, a cheerleading one and a pom dance for the UKCA (United Kingdom Cheerleading Association) Schools Nationals, we trained five hours a week and when it got nearer the competition we trained almost daily. All our hard work and commitment led to us coming 6th in our Cheerleading th dance and 5 in our Pom Dance out of 110 schools all over the nation. We are really proud to be part of the UCC Cheerleading squad as we feel like a family. And we wouldn’t have got anywhere if it wasn’t for Miss Key and Mrs Keen’s effort, dedication and especially their belief in us. We owe them a HUGE thank you for all they have done for us over the past 6 months without them we wouldn’t be the UCC Cheerios. We are very proud of everyone!
Written By Lucy Parker & Rosie Baglee
CAFFEINE HIGH in the
6th Form Common Room!!
Recently there have been sightings of increasing pro-active and energetic sixth formers, who are usually to be found asleep in the nearest comfy chair.. Why is this, you ask? One word: Caffeine. In fact, the only reason this edition has been published at all is due to the brand spanking new Coffee Machine keeping us awake, which provides espresso choc, chocolate milk, Americano and mochachocadoublechino. A randomly selected Year 13 student was quoted on the matter, “Coffee?? Where? You don’t have any 50p’s do you? Just one more I promise!” We would like to thank the establishment on behalf of sixth form, as during the exam period extra strong coffee and chocolate galore will be just the ticket! Student Speak would like to point out that the new coffee machine is not actually Fairtrade, despite the picture of the friendly man on the machine.