Celebrations of Love JANUARY 30, 2014
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Weddings, romance & beyond
Plan big or go home Booking popular wedding venues requires forethought, planners say How to find love in a small town Surviving Valentine’s Day Create-your-own vows
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30, 2014 2 | January Celebrations of Love
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January 30, 2014 Celebrations of Love
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Nothing quite like it a guy’s perspective of how to approach wedding planning. Sneak preview: Checking the email when your bride-to-be needs help ordering flowers isn’t the way to go. We also examine the challenges of dating in a small town. We’ll look at exactly how people in the Hudson Valley are finding each other in 2014. Also, columnist Marena Mitchell offers a take on the pitfalls of celebrating Valentine’s Day, which is coming on February 14 in case you’ve forgotten, you cad. Our cover photo is by Caitlinn Mahar-Daniels, a photographer based in the Poughkeepsie area whose work has been featured on the wedding website Style Me Pretty. In March 2012, a photo from her “baptism” series – featuring a man being doused in water – was the cover of Chronogram, a local magazine. Elsewhere in the issue, readers can learn to blow off some steam by creating their own wedding vows. For couples engaged to be married, we hope this special section will offer useful tips and advice. For those looking for love, we hope you’ll come away with a smile and the knowledge that others out there are also on that search.
Celebrate your special occasion at the
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ceremonies receptions other events photo by Anne Coleman Johnson
CAITLINN MAHAR-DANIELS
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Celebrating love in the Hudson Valley
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oets will never stop writing about it. Singers will never cease crooning about it. Philosophers like to remind us that English has but one word for love, while ancient Greek had at least four. Overall, English has done a pretty good job working around that last limitation, as William Shakespeare’s sonnets attest. Love can sustain us and bring meaning to our lives. Seeing our lovers and families at the end of the day makes our daily grind worthwhile. When love enters your life, there’s nothing quite like it. Love can make people leave their hometown, pack up and move across the country. Love can damage us, too. It can leave us winded and wounded. “Celebrations of Love” is our examination of how people in the Hudson Valley are interacting with that inscrutable emotional force known as love. When it comes to love, society places a lot of pressures on men and women. Women, perhaps more than men, feel that pressure – especially when it comes to marriage and becoming the target of grand gestures of the romantic variety. Modern brides have turned to sites like Pinterest to get ideas for weddings. Some of those ideas can be hard to realize. In this issue, we take a look at what kind of planning it takes to make a wedding work. Dan Barton provides a few of the “don’ts” from
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30, 2014 4 | January Celebrations of Love
Strategized nuptials Planners talk shop about Hudson Valley weddings Lynn Woods
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ith its unspoiled rural beauty and river views, the Hudson Valley has become a hot wedding destination for well-heeled couples from the city. “The word is out for having your wedding up here,” said Jeanne Stark, owner of Hudson Valley Ceremonies, based in Rhinebeck. Rather than simply book a banquet hall, many couples are crafting their weddings from scratch and choosing a barn or other rural setting as the venue. That usually involves a lot more time, planning and money.
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istoric sites, such as Locust Grove and Montgomery Place, are popular, as well as more unusual destinations, such as the Millbrook Winery and Basilica Hudson – a former factory turned art performance center. Barn weddings are all the rage. In many cases the apparent simplicity of that folksy, downat-the-farm wedding is achieved only through elaborate behind-the-scenes planning, from the pig roast to the flowery archway – under which the newly betrothed couple passes – to the fireworks, to the hay bales and a whiskey bar. Some weddings held in the Hudson Valley are spectacular events with more than 200 guests. The cost ranges from $50,000 minimally and can exceed $100,000 – sometimes by a lot. Stark re-
called a wedding in Big Indian on New Year’s Eve that celebrated the stroke of midnight with Champagne and a surprise Brazilian samba band, which cost $50,000. Nowadays, “it’s very hard to throw a $10,000 wedding,” unless the couple is willing to settle for
less than 100 people in a no-frills banquet hall such as the Grand, located in downtown Poughkeepsie, said planner Danielle Defreest, of Every Little Detail Wedding & Event Planning in Red Hook. (If they can only spend $50 a head, they may have no choice but to book such a venue, she
Man versus wedding A guy’s take on the planning process Dan Barton
B
efore I got engaged, I had a theory about weddings. They were almost totally about the bride. The groom’s role was simply to show up on time and look nice. Oh, ha ha. Like many theories I no longer hold, this one did not survive the collision with reality. Well, at least part of it – as far as I can tell at this point, a year into the planning and four months away from it actually happening, the wedding is almost totally about the bride. The part I messed up was the groom’s role. Yes, the groom must show up on time, and if he knows what is good for him and the future of his marriage he had better look nice. But for a groom to think that’s all he has to do? That is a serious, very serious mistake. In my blissful ignorance, I supposed putting a wedding together was not rocket science. Make some calls, book some stuff, get fitted for nice clothes. Seems pretty simple. But now I know it’s not rocket science. It’s more like International Space Station science, in both complexity and expense. While the groom isn’t in charge of Mission Control, he has a vital role to play. And his playing it well will make the entire operation flow much more smoothly – and earn him the esteem of his bride and his bride’s people for years to come. Now, a few disclaimers: As I’m getting married relatively late in life (46), I’m coming at the thing from a different perspective than someone in his 20s and well within the orbit of his and his future
wife’s parents. (That is to say, we’re paying for it ourselves.) Also, I acknowledge that this is being written from the heterosexual perspective. While I have proudly attended several same-sex weddings – and my fiancée, a judge, has very proudly officiated at them – I haven’t been in on their planning process. So I can’t speak to how duties get split up. All I can really speak to is my own experiences and what I’ve learned. So here goes. First, be interested. No, really. Do not, when wedding stuff comes up, turn on the game, start checking your Facebook or wander outside to watch the clouds float by. Yes, this is the bride’s show. But it wouldn’t be happening without you, so own it. Trust me – this cannot be faked, so don’t retreat into the happy place inside your mind when you’re asked for your input on anything – be it music, invitations, flowers, food or favors. Engage directly, and don’t be shy about expressing your opinion. (Know, however, that you can be overruled on anything, and accept this with good humor and a certain degree of non-attachment.) If you’re not the kind of person who’s normally interested in the kinds of things that go into and take place at weddings, look at it as an opportunity to learn about new things and grow as a human being. Plus, it’ll be great practice for when you’re setting up a home and will have to help make a whole new universe of decisions.
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econd, be supportive. There’s a lot of talk around about how to be a good leader, but not really so much about how to be a good follower. During the wedding planning process, the groom has an excellent opportunity to show of his “follow-ship” skills. So far, I’ve found these include, but are not limited to, listening to your future spouse when she’s stressed out by any or all of the innumerable stressors inherent in wedding planning; doing what you’re asked to do quickly and accurately; and making helpful suggestions when they occur to you. Listen well: there is absolutely no place for passive-aggressive, half-assed doing of things assigned to you. You will not get away with it and the consequences will certainly make you wish you had used your whole ass from the get-go. Take your assignments as seriously as James Bond takes his missions. Maybe the fate of the world doesn’t literally hang on you getting the invitations in the mail on time or making a call to the DJ that day, but if you mess it up, you may find yourself wishing for the end of the world to get you off the hook. Another way to be supportive is to project an attitude of calm when things are going badly. No planning process is without its turbulent times; if you possibly can, be the rock. But don’t overdo it; there’s a fine line between unflappability and apathy, so make sure you’re on the right side of it. Don’t project so much calm that it looks like you
Do not, when wedding stuff comes up, turn on the game, start checking your Facebook or wander outside to watch the clouds float by.
January 30, 2014 Celebrations of Love added.) Some of these large weddings span an entire weekend. It might include an informal dinner and an outdoor movie on Friday night for guests as well as family, cocktails before the ceremony and late-night dancing and fireworks after the reception, and a Sunday morning brunch. “Couples have people coming from all over the world, and they don’t want to see their friends just for five and a half hours,” Stark said. One advantage of booking a privately owned barn or other unusual venue is its flexible and often exclusive availability. Daniel Giessinger, proprietor of Shadow Lawn, a popular venue for “destination” weddings in High Falls that includes a 19th-century barn, 18th-century stone house, and spacious grounds with a waterfall, said he only books one wedding a weekend. “Most couples go with the barn,” which seats 120, he said. His staff of six helps with the staging, including the indoor and outdoor lighting, assistance with parking in the grass field, and an evening bonfire, if desired. He has a list of recommended caterers. Barbecues are particularly popular, he noted. There’s one price for the wedding and an additional fee for other related events, such as the rehearsal dinner. Giessinger has preserved the original characteristics of the English post-and-beam barn, which is not air conditioned or heated. Shadow Lawn is booked through 2014, with the exception of a single weekend, and couples are starting to book for 2015, he noted.
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enerally, a year in advance is not too early to book your venue, and sometimes 18 months out is best for a primetime date in September or October, which is the most popular time of year for weddings. Obviously, a winter wedding can be much more seat-of-the-pants, although the choice of venues will be much more limited, given that most barns and historic sites are not heated. Choosing a one-stop-shop such as Mohonk Mountain House, The Grandview, overlooking
don’t care or are giving short shrift to the situation’s gravity.
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hird, be open-minded. As the groom, you’re going to be asked to be the co-star in an elaborate stage play. If you’re the type of guy that’s uncomfortable being in the spotlight, this is going to be hard for you. There’s a publicspeaking aspect to it as well, and we all know that’s the most terrifying thing ever. (Take solace, though: as bad is it may be for you, the bride’s under many magnitudes higher a level of pressure. No one dissects and opines on the way the groom looks. You just have to get over a relatively low bar of spiffiness and presentation.) How to handle a case of nerves? Practice is one way. Once you know what your vows are going to be, recite them numerous times, so when el momento de la verdad arrives, it won’t be like you’re saying them for the first time because you’ve said them 100 times already. This will be an emotional moment for you, too. The more times you’ve run through the script, the better you’ll be able to maintain your composure. Just keep thinking to yourself: What would Cary Grant do?
the Hudson River in Poughkeepsie, or Diamond Mills Hotel & Tavern in Saugerties on the site of falls on the Esopus, is the simplest option. Such venues provide the catering and as well as a list of other suppliers. They also are flexible. For example, while the ballroom at Diamond Mills, which seats 350 and has a dance floor, is sold out on Saturdays from May through September of this year, there’s still availability for parties of 75 or less in the tavern, which consists of the smaller dining room, mezzanine lounge, and library, according to Emily Glass, Diamond Mills’ public-relations specialist. She added that the resort offers three wedding packages, which include the reception and cocktail hour, use of the bridal suite, linens, personalized printed menus, coat check, and a dinner for two with a Champagne toast. The cost ranges from $85 to $150 a head, with upgrades available for valet parking and a higher quality of alcohol. Glass said many clients are “do-it-yourself brides, who have all of their design elements ready to go and do handcrafted treats or takeaways. We’re seeing more personalized aspects,” such as
Several years ago, I had the honor of being in the wedding of a very close friend. As I was escorting my obviously nervous bridesmaid counterpart to the front of the proceedings, she asked how it could be that I was not freaking out. “Just pretend you’re a royal,” I suggested. Seriously, your wedding is one of those rare times in life when you get to be the center of attention. Embrace it, conquer your fear, and be the hero. Take some time and work on some dance moves. Grace, or at least enthusiasm, will make for both a happy bride and some awesome video. You may also be asked to be more social than you typically are. Again, finding your inner Cary Grant will help keep you suave, sophisticated and dashingly impressive. Make eye contact when shaking hands. Smile. A lot. In many situations in life, if you pretend to be a thing, soon you will become that thing. So if you pretend to be a social butterfly, even if you’re the type of dude who doesn’t like talking, smiling or really interacting with others, you’ll soon find yourself in the running for Mr. Charming 2014. Another hint: Give it at least a week or so before the actual day to have your bachelor party. Hol-
Your wedding is one of those rare times in life when you get to be the center of attention. Embrace it, conquer your fear, and be the hero.
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a hot cocoa station (for a December wedding) and soup stations in the fall. Destination weddings, in which the client holds the rehearsal dinner in the tavern, books rooms in the hotel, and follows up the ceremony and reception in the ballroom with a brunch in the tavern the next morning, are popular. Wedding parties of 75 or less continue to be popular at Mohonk Mountain House, said Christina Latvatalo, wedding sales and coordination manager. “Many of our clients are having second marriages and are more mature couples not looking to do a full 150-person event,” she said. Weddings with just ten to 30 guests can be booked as little as a month out, she said. Mohonk’s isolated, lakeside setting and gorgeous gardens are popular places for the ceremony, followed by a reception or dinner indoors. “We try to make it as stress-free as possible,” said Latvatalo. “We do all the food, give them guidance on vendors, and with the beautiful spa offer salon services on the premises. And we always have a back-up plan if it rains, consisting of a room with a view of the lake.”
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IY weddings are not for the faint of heart. A plethora of choices regarding venues, caterers, photographers, florists, and other elements of a wedding lures couples into the illusion they can do it all themselves, but many get in over their heads, according to wedding planners. That’s the point at which planners get the call. “A lot of couples have come to me because they’re just overwhelmed in their own professional lives. They are typically working twelve-to-14-hour days themselves, and what they thought would be easy because of the Internet turns out to be more time consuming than they anticipated,” said Stark. “There’s so much out there.” A wedding planner’s experience with certain vendors enables her (all the planners I spoke with were women) to provide recommendations as well as narrow down the choices according to the client’s budget, taste, and other preferences. Not only are couples busier than ever – many Continued next page
lywood-crafted legend aside, being a good groom will be all the harder if you’re nursing a hellacious hangover. And I don’t need to tell you how screwed you’ll be if you miss your wedding because you’re still in the lockup awaiting arraignment. So, there you go. Don’t forget to breathe. Appreciate the moment and have some fun.
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30, 2014 6 | January Celebrations of Love newlyweds from the city are in their late twenties or early thirties and own a house, have successful careers, and are paying for their wedding them selves – but they are choosing to break with tradition. “I don’t even go through a regular format with couples any more. I say, What do you want to do with your wedding?’” said Stark. “Now it’s taking their Pinterest account and telling them what’s feasible and what isn’t. It’s taking all their ideas and pulling it together.” She added that some brides “have never been to a wedding and have no idea of how to make it happen. They bring on a planner so the things they are thinking of – say simple décor and lights at their grandmother’s farmhouse – can actually occur.”
Generally, a year in advance is not too early to book your venue, and sometimes 18 months out is best. COURTESY OF BEEKMAN ARMS INNS. USED BY PERMISSION
A bride poses for pictures outside of Beekman Arms Inn in Rhinebeck. Beekman Arms, like many popular venues in our area, requires some advanced planning to book. Weddings held at a private house are the most work and may require the renting of a generator and portable toilet. Jane Wilcox, owner of Forget-Me-Not Events in Kingston, recalls an elaborate wedding she planned from scratch at a private home in Woodstock. “The tent company had to build a platform for the floor and put in a railing because the highest point off the ground was ten feet,” she recalled. “The wedding was on the summer solstice and had special lighting, including the projection of a full moon on the ceiling. There were a lot of really beautiful elements.” While hiring a lighting company may be beyond most couples’ budget, “you can create your own lighting with Christmas lights and candles to really build the ambience.” A planner helps couples prioritize in terms of where to splurge and where to cut back to stay within their budget, noted Defreest. “We know what to order and plan for if you’re doing rentals. We’re part of a network that’s like a big family, when it comes to flower, photographers, a DJ or band, and rental companies” for chairs and tables, linens, plates and silverware, and the like – relationships that might enable a planner to pass on a discount, she said.
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hen working out the other details besides the venue, it’s imperative to book hotel rooms well in advance. Accommodations are the biggest challenge given the area’s dearth of hotels. A year in advance, the couple should send out save-the-date announcements so guests can start making arrangements. Defreest also advises her clients to construct a wedding website, which lists the chain hotels as well as B&Bs and houses for rent. In some cases, people who’ve waited until the last minute find themselves stuck in dreary roadside motels, noted Stark. Or the couple may be forced to rent a house
CAITLINN MAHAR-DANIELS
The bride and groom walk through a trellised archway during their fall wedding at Ductchess Manor in Beacon. to accommodate their friends. Next on the to-do list is booking the caterer, photographer and band or DJ, which should be done more than six months in advance. “There’s not a huge amount of caterers up here who do weddings, and sometimes a couple ends up hiring a more expensive caterer” because the
more reasonably priced ones are already booked six months out, said Stark. Farm-to-table is a popular trend. “Most of the caterers I work with are very conscious of locally grown food and steer clients in that direction,” said Wilcox. “They know what’s available certain times of year and recommend those foods.” Some clients are also picking their own flowers the day before, and then refrigerating them and arranging then in mason jars. “They’re using the flowers growing in that season, which most florists would recommend anyway,” Wilcox said. Couples are also using flowers in more extravagant, imaginative ways, such as hanging them from the ceiling or creating garlanded archways, noted Stark. A trendy look comes from “table runners with lace on the top and burlap-wrapped votives,” said Defreest. Many weddings also incorporate lawn games, she added. Bands have made a comeback, although Stark noted not every couple can afford one, given that the cost ranges from $5000 to $15,000. Other trendy elements are photo booths and lounges, a separate, often tented area where guests can unwind. Stark said one wedding held at a private house last summer had a smaller tent in addition to the wedding tent stocked with hay bales, Adirondack chairs and wine barrels. Fireworks are also popular, though a bit pricey, costing as much as $10,000, according to Stark.
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iring a planner for wedding services from soup to nuts, starting a year in advance, costs $5000 and up. A planner may also be hired to help out with some of the details, such as the caterer, band and flowers. Many pitch their services the day of to help coordinate and stage-manage all the details, from arranging flowers to greeting guests. This ensures a mother, sister or photographer won’t end up having to do any of the facilitating, noted Wilcox. “Couples don’t realize how important this is,” Wilcox said. “It’s their day to celebrate.”
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30, 2014 10 | January Celebrations of Love
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January 30, 2014 Celebrations of Love
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Creative writing Wedding vows you can build yourself
“
well-known (possibly clichéd) quotation.
all find
I vow to
Mike Townshend One of the trickier parts of getting married is deciding on what kind of vows you’ll both be saying. Will they be traditional? Will they be religious or secular? Will you write your own? We’ve tried to take the guesswork out of it with our handy do-it-yourself approach, “Create Your Own Vows.” For couples stressed out by wedding planning, this could help you blow off some steam or get some ideas. For people who are single, go ahead and fill this out sarcastically – perhaps in a room filled with dirty-minded friends – and have a good laugh. Here we go now.
your name here
be my
, take you,
adjective noun
come you into my
. With
other. I promise never to you when you feel
verb
of my
noun
betrothed’s name here
adverb an emotion
so that we may
noun
verb
adjective
, and I have always
I will continue to
verb
and
plural noun
, to
I weleach
verb
through
noun
choice
As
always
for to
adjective verb
, for
and to
adjective
verb
adjective
, in
, until
noun
, for
adjective
and in
noun
to be my
. With
adjective noun
welcome you into my
noun
always
verb
of
When I met you at
place
adverb an emotion
verb
, you
verb (past tense)
you until the
noun
of
, I pledge my
noun
adjective
I verb
and to
verb
lots
.
verb
, for
. May we always
and to
adjective verb
verb
adjective
, in
, until
your name here
, for
noun
noun
, from
adjective
and in
, for
noun
, to
do us part.
verb
.
insert cute and tell-
. We’ve both
verb (ending in “ing”)
that
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you.
noun
.
plural
positive emo-
adjective
to
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our union.
respected literary or religious figure
noun
positive emotion
you, and to
adjective
ing memory about the two of you as a couple
adjective
and
noun
plural noun
,
your name here
plural
fulness,
this day forward, for
so that we may
you when you feel
plural noun
I vow to
, take you,
betrothed’s name here
noun
, I pledge my
,
Your partner I,
and
to you. May our home always be filled with peace-
do us part.
noun
you for that.
verb
,
still that noun
honored religious or secular figurehead of
verb
from this day forward, for
,
betrothed’s name here
. You are the
together – always being
each other. May
verb
. And I
Gathered here today, in the sight of our
grown a lot since then, but in many ways you are
to you. From this day forward, we will walk
tion
and to
verb
noun
in those words.
noun
you, and to always
Gathered here today, in the sight of our noun
and
each other. I promise never to
You I,
noun
” I think we can
once said,
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30, 2014 12 | January Celebrations of Love
PHOTOS BY ASHLEY DREWES
Daniel Guzman and Barbara Guzman.
Hunting for love Overcoming challenges of small-town dating Ashley Drewes
D
ating is hard enough, but how do you find love in a small town? The dating pool is small, while the distance between neighboring communities is great. For three couples, ranging in age from 20 to 41, a combination of old standbys (mutual friends, social activities) and new technology that helped make true love in the Hudson Valley a reality. Social media For millennials Joseph Bozlinski, 24, and Vicky Fitzgerald, 20, meeting online didn’t come as nat-
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urally as you might think. Among many pursuits, Bozlinski is a novelist who uses social media for networking. When Fitzgerald showed up in a suggested friend window on his Facebook something inside told Bozlinski to send her a friend request. Fitzgerald says she was reluctant to respond. “I don’t usually accept them from strangers. But it said he went to SHS [Saugerties High School] just like I did, so I clicked yes.” Once they connected, Bozlinski says they quickly found they shared a lot of interests. They chatted about comic books, films, music, Japanese anime and, Bozlinski says, “the perils of the human condition.”
After several months talking online, Bozlinski found an opportunity to meet Fitzgerald in person. “When I started teaching self-defense classes, she was one of the first people I offered to come and check them out.” Fitzgerald admits, “I wouldn’t usually recommend this kind of thing to others, because I have always been vehemently against meeting people in person that you met on the Internet.” Being a fellow Saugertiesian, Bozlinski seemed like a safe bet. “In a town like Saugerties, online isn’t as dangerous as most other places,” says Fitzgerald. “Literally everybody knows each other.” Bozlinski is more blasé. “If you’ve got a good head on your shoulders, I don’t see anything
“The problem with growing up here is you run into the same people over and over again … Online, you can be anybody.” – Laura Piskoz
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January 30, 2014 Celebrations of Love
| 13
I was open to it, and she was as well.” For Barbara, the faith connection was key. “If you are a spiritual person, you should look for someone on the same wave length as you.” Daniel explains there was also a special kismet about the encounter: “There’s something about the mountain [where Salerno lives]. About a half dozen couples have met there and gone on to have kids, marry.” Four years after meeting, the couple married in 2009. They have a one-year-old, Joshua, and a baby girl is due in May 2014.
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Dating sites For two professionals from different worlds, meeting by chance was unlikely. By day, Laura Piskoz, 35, is a pastry goddess in Saugerties. She builds masterful cakes for Hudson Val- Mike Doscher and Laura Piskoz. ley Dessert Company. She was living in Hurley at the time she met Mike Doscher, 29. A correcway to break the ice.” tions officer at Shawangunk Correctional Facility, Piskoz and Doscher admit that prior connecDoscher was living 20 miles away in Highland tions they made on the dating website fizzled out when the couple met. quickly. Doscher reports, “Past dates went poorly.” Though Kingston nightlife offers a potentially Yet he persevered. “Online is just a beginning.” easy midway meeting point for the two, Piskoz The two now live together in a hamlet just outsays she was tired of the bar scene, and Doscher side Woodstock. They’ve been together more than says he was always too shy to approach women at nine months. bars. Meanwhile, dating too close to home – or work A social and spiritual connection – felt risky. “I wanted to meet someone outside Gen-Xers Daniel Guzman, 35, and Barbara Saugerties, just in case it didn’t work out,” says Guzman, 41, found love the old-fashioned way: Piskoz. Another caveat of dating local, she says, is with a mutual friend, a common interest, and a the small dating pool. bit of serendipity. The two ultimately found each other one day on In 2005, Daniel and his mother were tempothe popular dating website, Match.com. rarily living with interfaith minister and family For Piskoz, online dating offered a fresh start. friend Bella Salerno at Sacred Mountain SpiriShe adds: “The problem with growing up here is tual Center in Woodstock. Barbara was residing you run into the same people over and over again. in Clintondale. She had come to Salerno’s home And the people you grew up with, they remember as well, but for a different reason. She was there you as the same person you were growing up. Onfor a spiritual workshop Salerno was leading. For line, you can be anybody.” Daniel and Barbara, the chance meeting – and the Of course, the ability to “be anybody” means romantic spark that followed – was unexpected. there is a greater possibility of deception on the Daniel, who has a master’s degree in social work, Internet. For Piskoz, it’s still worth it to take the had previously gone about meeting new people leap. through classes and activities on his college cam“It’s naive to believe all the things someone pus. But at the time he met Barbara he hadn’t rewrites online,” she says, “but it’s hopeful.” ally been looking for love for awhile -- though he Doscher found online dating to be an easy way says he wasn’t opposed to finding it. to cut through his shyness. “Online’s really just a Daniel says, “People just meet at the right time.
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wrong with connecting with people through the Internet,” he says. “I’ve made a good number of friends that way, and arranged a few dates with people I’d met through Facebook. So in this day and age, hey, I’m all for it. Just be smart and make sure you chat the person up for a good while before you link up with them for coffee or anything.” The couple has been together since September 2012. They’ve been engaged since October 2013.
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30, 2014 14 | January Celebrations of Love
Overthinking Valentine’s Surviving the most romantic day on earth Marena Mitchell
W
hen I think of Valentine’s Day, a lot of different ideas pass through my brain, and I guess at the end of it I’m just left confused. See, the thing about making something special out of February 14 is that I know it’s dumb for all of the reasons. I know that’s the trendy thing to say now and maybe I’m biased, but I’ve never even had a romantic Valentine’s Day. Hell, most of mine have been spent either in complete solitude or with one or two good friends who are just as indifferent as I am about the whole thing. So I guess on the surface, yes, I loathe Valentine’s Day and I think it seems like a waste of time and money.
Maybe this February 14 I’ll fancy myself up in monochromatic reds, buy myself chocolate from the shop I already work at, leave a single rose on my cat’s bed, and take myself out to a wonderful dinner. You know, the typical: “Why does my personof-interest need a special day to tell me how they feel?” The holiday tends to create massive amounts of pressure, demonizing innocent people and stressing out relationships. I don’t need a special day to disappoint someone I love. I’m pretty good at doing that on a regular basis already.
F T
Art by Marena Mitchell. “Untitled Drawing II (With Aquatint).” Intaglio, 2013.
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Getting to my point: No, we shouldn’t rely on a special day to tell our significant others that we love them. But if the entire world is going to bombard us with hearts, roses and what-have-you, then why not, right? What I’m getting at is that I don’t need anyone to do anything special for me on Valentine’s Day. (Clearly, I’ve survived 24 of them just fine). Nor does it bruise my ego when another one floats on
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by without gifts, gallant gestures or proclamations of undying love. But here’s the thing. If someone did want to do something nice for me, I guess I wouldn’t be all that upset about it.
B
ut the cool thing is that I can just go around and do nice things for myself! So who knows, maybe this February 14 I’ll fancy myself up in monochromatic reds, buy
Home
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1.19.12 | 1
Hudson Valley Business Review Looking Forward 2012
NOTHING TO
FEAR
BUT FEAR
ITSELF Our economic fate is in our own hands
TOP LOCAL JOBS THE LEGACY OF THE WPA CHANGING WITH THE TIMES DEPRESSION MEMORIES THE ROLE OF REGULATION HOW WE STACK UP LOCAL BANKS BUCK TRENDS
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January 30, 2014 Celebrations of Love
| 15
partnered glory – which I guess if I’m in the right kind of mood could be heart-warming as opposed to triggering my gag reflex. I suppose my ideal Valentine’s Day would go much like any other day in my ideal relationship would. I go to work, or do whatever I need to do for the day, come home, feed the cat, take a shower and unwind. I get a text informing me of your impending arrival, so I can adequately prepare myself and my apartment. You come over with, say, four bottles of wine (at least two of which are solely for me) and delicious food (preferably dumplings). We’ll eat all of it until we physically can’t move. Then we watch some mindless TV show or movie, snuggling is a plus, until we’re both ready for doin’ it – I don’t really care where or for how long this happens – and we snuggle up and go to bed, ideally spooning. Then we wake up in the morning, get busy again, and if we’ve got something to do, we go do it. If not, then snuggling all day in bed is okay, too, maybe a walk around town. Again, I’m not picky. My intimacy requirements can be broken down
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Art by Marena Mitchell. “Untitled Drawing IV.” Graphite on paper, 2013.
myself chocolate from the shop I already work at, leave a single rose on my cat’s bed, and take
myself out to a wonderful dinner. The only issue there is having to see everyone else in their
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30, 2014 16 | January Celebrations of Love into four basic needs: wine, food, snuggles, and sex. And sex I can take or leave. I’m pretty good all by myself. What I crave more than that is intimacy on whatever level – you know, hand-holding, a back rub, chest hair to claw at.
I
’ve never been one for frills or grandiose gestures, and if I were to be in a serious relationship it would actually really irk me if I was only shown boatloads of affection on one day a year. So in some ways I guess this holiday in counter-intuitive. Perhaps if we were nicer to the folks we loved, if we told them how much they mean to us or how
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much we love them on a regular basis, Valentine’s Day wouldn’t be so important. It actually makes me quite sad to think that we need a special day to tell each other how we feel. All it takes for me is a buzz and a qwerty keyboard. I’d be happy if anyone did something nice for me on February 14, but that brings me to another point – the stress of rejection. Yes, it’s nice when someone performs a kind gesture, but what if I’m not interested? Suddenly you’ve hurled this enormous obligation onto me, and that feels kind of selfish! This scenario is why I’ve avoided doing nice things for people I love for a long time. I think if we could all get over this need, over having expectations, things would be a lot easier. When I do nice things for people I love it’s because I love them, not because I need a thank-you note or an ecstatic phone call or even any acknowledgement at all. I don’t do it for that – unfortunately I don’t think many people are the same. So where do I land on Valentine’s Day? To be honest I’d hoped writing this would help me figure it out. It didn’t. It’s all so dependent on so many things, you know? It’s the other people involved, or how I happen to be feeling that day. I’m too fickle to decide until I’m in the moment, experiencing it. Given the right day, the right person and a good, wine-drunk snuggle maybe it’d happen. If it doesn’t happen, I’ll go to work, buy my own wine, grab my body pillow, and call it a night with Season 3 of Friends. Marena Mitchell is a young artist and leisurely writer living in New Paltz. She graduated from SUNY New Paltz with an MFA in printmaking in 2013.You can find her other writings in her zines or on her blog marenasrants.tumblr.com.
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