Celebrations (winter) 2015 e sub

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Celebrations of Love JANUARY 29, 2015 ∙ ULSTER PUBLISHING ∙ WWW.ULSTERPUBLISHING.COM

Weddings, romance & beyond

Marriage = 2 Love

What we think about love when very young, in it, out of it, and putting on our daughter’s wedding... plus tips on romantic music, marriage vows, spas, local honeymooning, and the dangerous allure of great chocolate.

29, 2015 2 | January Celebrations of Love

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January 29, 2015 Celebrations of Love

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PHOTO COURTESY OF SAUGERTIES LIGHTHOUSE

The Hudson Valley is becoming a top honeymoon destination for both its high end resorts and quirkier getaways such as the Saugerties Lighthouse, which one must walk to at lower tides or risk staying longer than expected.

Celebrations of love Burn off cabin fever while planning those summer weddings By Paul Smart

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ur publisher, who served an important role in my wedding ceremony despite his rather unsentimental approach to the concept of marriage, brought up a key element of cohabitation recently. He was speaking about how this time of year he’s often tempted to turn the thermostat down, while his partner of many decades strives to keep things warm. Occasionally, Geddy added, he brings in loads of firewood to keep family spirits heated. I noted several once-rock-solid relationships that faltered and broke because of such battles. I once won my wife’s heart, and have re-won it several times, by keeping the temperature in our home high enough so she doesn’t have to wear too many bulky sweaters and leggings to stay civil. And we both have agreed that the lowering of heating-fuel costs this winter may mean prmising tidings for the upcoming wedding season this summer, as well as for all businesses reliant on a romantic mood. Of course, Romance with that capital R does have a penchant for involving itself in all aspects of one’s life, if one lets it. Anybody who’s written, from diaries and letters to news copy, has felt its pull in explaining the reasons we get pulled and pushed by movies, books and music. How can I ever forget the honeymoon I set up for my late brother, which saw him and his bride held over a day because of high tides and other matters. Nor can I forget all those picnics on lawns, and sometimes just in the car, outside grand mansions overlooking the Hudson? I remember our DIY potluck wedding in an ancient hamlet and community hall nestled below the Catskills up in Greene County, as well as the countless other weddings we’ve attended up here, and the honeymoons and receptions we helped host at great little inns like La Duchesse Anne and Fred’s Place. Everything gets a romantic edge if you allow it this time of year. But all is incomplete without the particulars of memories and musings, about the

WIKICOMMONS

Marriage is about compromise, including where one sets the thermostat this time of year. particulars of love and marriage, which is what I hope to have helped convey to you herein. Issue contributors include: Anitra Brown, a freelance writer who specializes in spas and wellness as About.com’s spas expert, She has worked in spas as a licensed esthetician and on the nominating panel for SpaFinder’s Wellness Travel Awards. She wrote for The New York Times bestsellers “1,000 Places To See Before You Die” and “1,000 Places To See in the USA and Canada Before You Die,” and is a contributing editor for Hudson Valley Magazine . Lisa Carroll is a busy mama to two little girls, a wife, and a writer for reporter for the Shawangunk Journal and River Reporter. She resides in a quaint village Upstate family, cat and a goldfish called Purply. Elisabeth Henry is a writer and an actress who lives in Hunter with her husband. It’s where they brought up their children. Henry has appeared in plays for Performing Arts of Woodstock and The Byrdcliffe Theater, worked on several films shot in the Hudson Valley, including “The Sisterhood of Night,” “The Ticket” and “Fourth Man Out,” and has written for many newspapers and magazines. Corinne Mol edited the University of Victoria student newspaper, “The Martlet,” named after a mythical footless bird that never lands. After living in Montreal, Thailand and off the grid on Lasqueti Island and Read Island in British Columbia,

she finally landed in Woodstock when she met her husband. Paul Smart, who writes for a living and edits several publications, is father to a nine-year-old and has a new puppy. Sparrow is an American poet, activist, musician, and rabblerouser. He is the author of several books of poetry and prose, is a frequent contributor to a number of publications, including Woodstock Times and The New York Times. He is known for having started the Slow Read Movement and is married to the journalist Violet Snow, who aided him with this story. Robert Burke Warren, a lifetime musician who has been delighting children over the past decade as “Uncle Rock” while maintaining his own solo recording career and playing in The Catskill 45s. He is also an accomplished writer. This issue’s cover is by Maria Katzman, a multiyear artist in residence at Byrdcliffe who received her BFA from The Kansas City Art Institute and her MFA from Yale University, in addition to work at the Skowhegan School of Painting and Sculpture. Her work has shown throughout the region, including New York City, where she lives and teaches art to children and adults. at the Skowhegan School of Painting and Sculpture. Her work has shown throughout the region, including New York City, where she lives and teaches art to children and adults.

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A children’s story Marriages reect the best about all intentions By Lisa Carroll helby often leafs through my wedding album. She ogles my dress, views her daddy and me dancing, and asks me to retell the story of how it all got started, and how she played a leading role. She doesn’t make me rush over the gushy parts yet, as I imagine she’ll do as she gets older. Nor does she understand the complexity of marriage—that before even meeting, her daddy and I were two separate people, going about our own separate ways. We just happened to meet. So we snuggle up, and start at the beginning. I remember the exact moment her daddy proposed, nearly six years ago. My initial reaction, I tell her, was: Please don’t puke on his head. It was quickly followed by: What the heck am I wearing? The proposal came on a very warm afternoon in July, I went on, and Tom — her daddy — decided that we should take a walk down the falls at Minnewaska, our favorite place for hiking. Unbeknownst to me, he had plans for a romantic, onone-knee, picturesque moment. But compounded with a poor footwear choice, a large amount of mosquitoes, and a severe case of nausea, I was not in the same mind frame as he. Despite those obstacles, I managed to say yes, keep my saltines, and crawl back up the mountain. But that isn’t really where the story starts, I stop

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PHOTO PROVIDED BY LISA CARROLL

Shelby and Samantha delight in hearing about their mother and father’s wedding, even though the deeper concepts may escape them for years yet.

and tell her. It all really started a year after daddy and I met, in January, when grandpa was diagnosed with cancer — not just cancer, but terminal cancer,

wrought with palliative surgery, chemotherapy, and ultimately home hospice. The doctors gave him less than a year, in February. I explain to Shelby, in four-year-old’s terms, what palliative care is, what chemotherapy does — or in my dad’s case what it doesn’t do. And then I tell her about the clock.  I wanted nothing more than to race the clock and give my dad and myself all the experiences I could within that time frame. These were moments I had dreamed of as a young girl. Us dancing at my wedding, watching as he held his grandchild for the first time, having him see me as an adult, achieving all that he had set out for me. Her daddy and I knew we were in it for the long haul early on, I tell her. How we started down

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January 29, 2015 Celebrations of Love Unlike many others, time and money were luxuries we didn’t have going into the wedding process, I tell her. We planned our entire wedding in under eight weeks. I wanted her grandpa to be there, to walk me down the aisle. That wasn’t to be. I was with my dad the day he took his last breath — a moment that saddens me, but I was grateful to be part of — three weeks before my wedding. It even rained a bit in the early morning of our wedding day. Though the event wasn’t on the grand scale as those depicted on TLC’s Four Weddings, it was a beautiful day. Shelby points to my tummy in the picture. Despite the puffiness of the material, you can still see the roundness of a twenty-week pregnant belly. Our daughter loves it. When she was younger — around two — she told a lot of Shoprite cashiers the story of how she got to be at mommy’s wedding. She usually left out a lot of details. While I’m proud of my life, and the choices I’ve made, there’s still that twinge—that I did things out of order—when strangers hear that part of the story. Looking back now, having been married for five years, having two wonderful kids and a warm and

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happy home, I wouldn’t change anything. We didn’t have a lot of money to pay for elaborate wedding plans or an exotic honeymoon, or time to nitpick every decision along the way, but when I reached the altar and my brother gave me away those things, quite frankly, just didn’t matter. The man at my side — who had literally been through hell along with me — was there. Our family would grow, and we had the love necessarily to get through the hard times and to celebrate the good. Someday my girls will get married, too. But, right now, much to their daddy’s delight, boys are still boys. They’ve not yet become either icky or dreamy. We’re cherishing that innocence. Shelby talks of getting married, having kids — but it’s in such a faraway future that it doesn’t seem real to her, or to me. Sammie is set on marrying her daddy. We’ve explained how that just can’t happen. But she’s three and her daddy is her hero. I read once that girls often find husbands that in some way remind them of their dads, their very first knight in shining armor. And why not?

Her daddy and I knew we were in it for the long haul early on, I tell her. How we started down the path of happily-ever-after didn’t really matter.

PHOTOS PROVIDED BY LISA CARROLL

When it comes down to THE day, who notices a baby bump anyway? The author in her wedding finery. the path of happily-ever-after didn’t really matter. How we found out we were expecting her at the tail end of May, how he proposed two months later. She’s still too young to understand the backwards order of events.

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The author reads to her daughter and son-in-law after all the preparations for their near-perfect rural wedding have come to fruition.

My daughter’s wedding Love is letting go in the grandest way possible By Elisabeth Henry was out of my depth, and I knew it, but because she’s a great kid we bowed to her wishes. It was to be a wedding at home. A “barn” wedding, because that was big that year. We had a barn. Actually, we had three barns. But in keeping with the theme, the zeitgeist, the Murphy’s Law that harassed this event, none were suitable. We compromised on a property we own that consists of one empty house beside a stream. Although the acreage was generous, it was in rough shape. We needed to be able to accommodate a tent to hold 20o guests. So began a year and a half of raking, planting flowers and grass, taking down trees, and shoveling clean fill, not to mention scrubbing, painting, re-doing floors and tiling. The bride was in a Borg-like pursuit of perfection. Physical work is part of my life. I am not daunted by rakes and shovels and rocks. Party planning, though, daunts me. My dilemma is rooted in the contrast between my daughter and myself. Every home my daughter made for herself, including her room at boarding school, has been beautifully appointed and beautifully kept. Every surface at my house is covered by books, papers, coffee cups, pens, dog hair and cats. Add to this the fact that I never had a wedding. In college I was a reluctant bridesmaid on many occasions. Almost always, said wedding interfered with things I’d rather do. My plight was not as bad as my husband’s. He was best man at his brother’s wedding, which happened to be the same week end as the original Woodstock. Historic disinterest coupled with my lack of

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experience combined to make one clueless Mother of The Bride. After all, this was not like the blowouts we held at the downtown joints my husband owned in Manhattan back in our salad days. This was laden with tradition! This had to be right! This was our daughter! How was I ever to become that elegant woman in the first row, with a handkerchief pressed delicately to her weeping eye? The chasm The bride chose a forested spot not far from her Catskills home, and despite a between the two morning rain the magic of the locale delivered. points, the real me and the me terpieces. Pipe and drape. (What the hell is that, I wanted people she cared about to think I was, some kind of Celtic/Martha Graham musical echoed with questions. number?) The food. The booze. The music. The Should we send an announcement or just do dress. I was terrified. The feeling was just like that something on Facebook? How about the design dream where you are to go onstage and you don’t for the wedding invitations, and what paper stock know your lines. And you are naked. to use? The color scheme? Bridesmaids? As for the men: suits or tuxedos or vests and dress pants? here is an oft-repeated sentiment Preacher, yes or no? Oh, how ever does one dethat the child picks the parents, which cide a seating arrangement? You know what’s goI suppose is a rationalization meant to ing to happen if we invite so and so, and not them? comfort us and get us to step up when Showers. Bachelor parties. Bachelorette parties. said child tries our patience. The lesson is ours Rehearsal dinner. Maps to the event. Transportato learn, and that little Buddha means business. tion so that we need not worry about people who My daughter must have picked me because she get hammered before they head out to the afterknew I was a pushover. I could no more bully her parties. After-parties? into my idea of a terrific wedding (elope!) than Flowers. Table settings. Table numbers. CenI could convince her that raising baby chicks in

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January 29, 2015 Celebrations of Love

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ALL IMAGES BY MATT BAILLY/BAILLY PHOTOGRAPHY

There’s nothing like a good pair of cowboy boots to keep one’s bridal dress, or groom’s suit, looking pretty on the big day itself. Especially given the nature of our weather in the greater Hudson Valley. the kitchen was a good idea. This was a girl born knowing what is chic, and how to make things run smoothly. No matter the day, she breezes past me with perfectly coiffed hair, checklists, a phone filled with desirable contacts and all requirements met. This time she failed to factor in the time and energy needed to complete the course work and exams for her master’s degree at her university three hours away. She could be here only on alternate weekends. It is indeed hard for a woman to have it all. The closer the date came, the more dire our circumstances seemed. We hopped on the tent site to gauge whether the grass we planted would hold up under traffic. A well-meaning party pooper predicted the tent would not fit. The ceremony would be held in a clearing we made in the forest. Too late we considered the weather. I quizzed my farmer friends for signs of impending rain. There were repeated, and perhaps pesky, calls to the caterer to be assured the food would be enough, hot, and on time. Question and doubt. Question and doubt. Thursday before the Saturday of the wedding, the truck came to deliver the tent. Hallelujah! It was close, but it did fit! They delivered the chairs to set up in the clearing. There were plenty, and the ribbons we affixed to them looked pretty. Perhaps these were good omens. Perhaps things were looking up! Not so much. The pipe-and-drape lady recommended by the tent company had never done it

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before. The woman doing the flowers refused to deliver them; we would have to drive to Saratoga the day of the wedding. The landscaper’s mower broke down, and the grass kept growing. The bridesmaids and groomsmen and wedding guests were arriving from all over the country, so we had to attend to them, which meant the tables and chairs, and the bars, and the bandstand, were not set up. No matter. Get dressed. Rehearsal dinner went beautifully, hosted by my children’s dearest auntie, which fortified us for the final push. We could get up early. We could do this. Exhausted, we fell into bed, into a deep sleep. ounding rain woke me at dawn, on Wedding Day. I skittered into the kitchen, needing coffee. There, lying on the kitchen table, was a young person in a hoodie. I could not see the face. A reveler from last night, mistakenly bedding down on any flat surface. How it brought me back! The person raised an obviously aching head. The face was reddened, puffy-eyed and tear-stained, but familiar. “I am so screwed,” whimpered the Bride To Be, not hung over but sleep-deprived and in despair. So you think it will just go down like this, sad and futile and hard to watch, like one of those African ibex fawns struggling in deep water. You will be wrong. She made her vows, beautiful and confident beneath 80-foot pines and a patch of blue. A family friend came and mowed the grass with a hand mower, unasked. There was a yoga class for The Bride and The Maids and The

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Mother. We all breathed easier, namaste. The crackerjack caterers set up the dining and drinking areas in a jiffy, and although they forgot the super-long tablecloths for the serving tables, they did not hesitate to use my good silk window scarves. No matter. My fault. I had left them on a table for my other daughter, who had figured out the pipe-and-drape thing and made that tent look like a dream any Martha could love, to use. Those silk scarves looked gorgeous on the tables, even when thoroughly stained by barbecue sauce. And baked beans. Little brother single-handedly built the bandstand. The band was fabulous. The booze flowed freely. Everybody danced, and the place rocked like our place on Laight Street used to back when Saturday Night Live really was funny. I admit it was a squeaker. The mishaps and obstacles made me question the wisdom of it all, even as I took my seat as that elegant teary-eyed woman in the first row. But all doubt evaporated when her groom’s voice cracked as he made his vows, and he trembled, but never took his eyes off hers. He loves her as I do, as her father does. That’s plenty good enough for me, and all my questions are answered.

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There are no rules, actually Marriage vows are best spoken from the heart By Sparrow (with Violet Snow) Vows are out of fashion. Evil supervillains in Marvel comics vow revenge, and monks take vows of celibacy, but most other solemn avowals are absent from the modern world. The average person who only makes a vow once in their life – during their wedding – afterwards forgets it. I’ve been walking around for the last two weeks asking people about their vows, and no one can recall them. The most essential decision of their lives ends up in the mental dustbin. In fact, my wife Violet and I can’t remember our vows, either, from our Reform Jewish wedding (which took place inside a Lutheran church, for complex reasons) 25 years ago. We know they went something like: “I promise to love and honor you in sickness or in health, for richer or for poorer, from the movies to the delicatessen …” We didn’t include “till death do us part” because it sounded morbid. Many people misremember the phrase as “till death do we part,” as if once the partners are dead they can happily go off in the Afterlife and find a better partner. According to Father Matthew Wright, the brand-new priest-in-charge of St. Gregory’s Church in Woodstock, the Episcopal Book of Common Prayer has been emended to read “until we are parted by death,” to make the phrase clearer. Father Wright is 29 years old, and has presided over only three weddings – two-thirds of them gay! – so he’s no expert on vows. Except that he himself was married last September, at St. Gregory’s. Father Wright compared marriage to a rock tumbler. “That’s a little machine – you plug it in, and you put rocks in, and sand. It tumbles, it rotates, and you leave it going for weeks, and the rocks come out smooth and polished, from the friction process. And I love that as a metaphor for marriage, that – in the best way – you wear each other down. You smooth out each other’s rough edges, as you bump into them again and again. And without the vow, when you bump into the rough edges, you’re outta there! But because of the vow, you stay, and hopefully you develop these beautiful qualities like patience, gentleness, kindness and compassion.” In his own wedding Father Matthew used vows from the New Zealand Anglican prayer book: “I take you to be my [husband/wife]. All that I have I offer you. What you have to give I gladly receive. Wherever you go I will go. You are my love. God keep me true to you always, and you to me.” He and his wife, Yanick Savain, were married in the labyrinth behind the church, at the very center, with their mothers as witnesses. Studio Stu, otherwise known as the Right Reverend Stuart B. Chernoff, wears a button that says, “I Want to Marry You.” And he does! He performs weddings, funerals, baby namings – plus despojos (house blessings). Weddings are particularly heightened occasions, he finds. “You are at the pinnacle of what people think of as their lives. You’re at a very spiritual, anxious, nervous point.” As for the vows, Studio Stu avers, “There are no rules, actually. In fact, legally all a couple have to do is agree to be married. If I say to them, Do you want to be married? and they say, Yes, we do, then I say, You are. That’s it. In front of two witnesses. In New York State. In Connecticut you don’t need witnesses at all.” Most couples choose to elaborate. Vows tend to have three parts, according to the Right Reverend. “The first is what I call the I-do part, where I ask the question, Do you, John, take Jane to be your lawfully wedded wife? He says, I do, then I ask the woman, and she says, I do. Then there’s the promissory part, where I say, Repeat after me: I, Jane, take John, to be my loving husband. Sometimes the couples want to write that promissory part: I promise to put down the toilet seat or I promise

Violet Snow and Sparrow as captured on their wedding day found ways to combine elements of Reform Jewish, protestant, and their own beliefs into their wedding vows.

PHOTOS SUPPLIED BY VIOLET/SPARROW AND PAUL/FAWN

Paul Smart and Fawn Potash wrote their own wedding vows for their “official” wedding and then let poet Mikhail Horowitz interpret them freely for their later “public” ceremony. not to kick the dog when you’re looking.” The third part entails the two making a private statement to each other. The Right Reverend receives the personal vows by email, prints them in large type, and brings them in his jacket pocket, so the couple won’t have to carry pieces of paper down the aisle.

There are also variations that come from specific traditions. “I’ve done Celtic vows where we bless the Four Corners,” the Right Reverend recalls. “I’ve done full medieval weddings in the Widow Jane Mine where people are making medieval vows. I’ve dressed as a Catholic priest, because people want to say the Catholic vows. I’ve done

January 29, 2015 Celebrations of Love

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Hebrew weddings where I’m blessing the wine in Hebrew. It changes every single time.� How nice to meet a man who enjoys his work!

C ATSKILL S EASONS I NN

Modern vows often eliminate the sexism of the original vows in the Book of Common Prayer of 1549. They are identical for a man and woman, with one notable exception: the female vowed to “obey� her husband. While researching this article, Violet found the folder from our 1989 wedding, replete with bills from the photographer and caterer ($294.31 and $2100 respectively). A study conducted by Emory University shows that the more money you spend on your wedding, the more likely you are to be divorced. Our personal experience bears that out. Twentyone hundred bucks fed 63 people. Instead of hiring a band, we held an “open poetry reading.� The folder did not contain our marriage vows, but we did find the text of our ketubah. (A ketubah is a traditional Jewish marriage contract, often embellished with lavish calligraphy.) We rewrote it from a generic ketubah text, and it came out more poetic than our actual vows. Feel free to use any of these verses in your own vows!

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I betroth you to me in the sight of all. Let us climb the Tree of Life together. Set me as a lion upon your heart, for love is the floor of being, the flame of God. And I will nourish and sustain you, in all singing and sincerity. I salute the divine in you with all my mind and heart. Thus may it be sealed.

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29, 2015 10 | January Celebrations of Love

Wedding Vows Need Not Be Too Quick Enter FRIAR [LAURENCE] and ROMEO. Enter JULIET. FRIAR LAURENCE  So smile the heavens upon this holy act, That after hours with sorrow chide us not!       ROMEO Amen, amen! but come what sorrow can, It cannot countervail the exchange of joy That one short minute gives me in her sight. Do thou but close our hands with holy words, Then love-devouring death do what he dare; It is enough I may but call her mine.       FRIAR LAURENCE These violent delights have violent ends And in their triumph die, like fire and powder, Which as they kiss consume. The sweetest honey Is loathsome in his own deliciousness And in the taste confounds the appetite. Therefore love moderately; long love doth so; Too swift arrives as tardy as too slow.Â

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Here comes the lady. O, so light a foot Will ne’er wear out the everlasting flint; A lover may bestride the gossamer That idles in the wanton summer air, And yet not fall; so light is vanity.       ROMEO Ah, Juliet, if the measure of thy joy Be heap’d like mine and that thy skill be more To blazon it, then sweeten with thy breath This neighbor air, and let rich music’s tongue Unfold the imagined happiness that both Receive in either by this dear encounter.       JULIET Conceit, more rich in matter than in words, Brags of his substance, not of ornament: They are but beggars that can count their worth; But my true love is grown to such excess I cannot sum up sum of half my wealth.       FRIAR LAURENCE Come, come with me, and we will make short work; For, by your leaves, you shall not stay alone Till holy church incorporate two in one.           Exeunt.

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One of the great wedding scenes in all of literature comes in Act 2, Scene 6 of William Shakespeare’s tale of young love, Romeo & Juliet. Fortunately, not all betrothals need turn out like theirs. Take your time, dear lovers.

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At Mountain Valley Manor we believe that you shouldn’t have to live separately from the love of your lifetime in order to get the assistance that one or both of you need. Let us assist you so that you can continue to live independent, happy, safe, and comfortable lives. We have aided many couples allowing them to continue to live together as their individual care needs change, and help remove some of the hardships and worries of their everyday lives. Let Mountain Valley Manor give you more time to experience the continued joys that you planned on sharing in your golden years together!

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29, 2015 12 | January Celebrations of Love

Confessions of a chocolate addict Yes, it does have much to do with marriage! By Corinne Mol

nce, long ago, when I was deeply depressed, a friend asked, “What do you love most in life. What is worth living for?” The word chocolate came out of my mouth. As I saw on the back of a chocolate bar wrapper recently, “Life without chocolate – what’s the point?” *

O

I have a secret stash of chocolate hidden in the house. I hide it from my husband and my daughter. But, mostly, I hide it from myself. Out of sight, out of mind. My husband imagines that I am always thinking about chocolate, except for the five minutes after I’ve eaten it. Isn’t that what they say about men and sex? * I plunder my chocolate stash, preferably when no one is around. Sometimes I can’t wait. I try to be sneaky. My daughter has a nose like a bloodhound. She smells the chocolate on my breath. “Mommy, you’re eating chocolate without me!” she cries. “Can I have some?” “That was the last piece,” I lie. PHOTO COURTESY OF LUCKY CHOCOLATES

*

Chocolate and romance? Need one even ask if there’s an equation?

It is hard for me to share my chocolate with my family and friends. I am inspired by local poet David Marell’s book Be Generous; 101 Meditations and Suggestions to get you through the day (and night) Be Generous Here, have some Here, have some Here, have some

Here, have some Here, have some, Here, have some, Here, have some more

I like to finish lunch with chocolate. I can go back to work, feeling calm, energized, and properly sated. *

My poem . Sorry! None left. *

The Aztecs of central Mexico originally prepared it as a bitter frothy liquid mixed with chili peppers, wine or corn puree. It was consumed as an aphrodisiac. Montezuma drank cocoa to give him power over women. * Do men (or women) who buy their valentines chocolate intuit that the way to her heart (and nether regions) is chocolate? This can backfire. Women may prefer chocolate to sex because of the love chemical phenylethylamine (PEA) it produces. PEA is the chemical your brain excretes when you fall in love. There is a warning on the Internet that chocolate is a

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PHOTO COURTESY OF VERDIGRIS, HUDSON

The Angelina is choco-heaven. chemical replacement for the real thing. Eat too much and it becomes harder to feel true love. What silliness! Who needs love when you have chocolate?  *  Jean Fleming, the Rhinebeck founder of the Sinterclaus celebration, created a mail-order business called Chocolate Deities (http://www. chocolatedeities.com/deities.php). She produces baseball-sized chocolate Buddhas, kwan yins, and chocolate goddesses. When Jean heard that I ate chocolate daily during pregnancy, she created a nursing-mother deity in my honor.  *

PHOTO COURTESY OF VERDIGRIS, HUDSON

Shop owner Kim Bach of Verdigris Tea and Chocolate Bar in Hudson, left, calls herself a “chocolate barrista.�

We are blessed in the Hudson Valley with many ďŹ ne makers and purveyors of chocolate. Â

My daughter Rachel was nurtured on a steady supply of chocolate in utero and breastfed on milk with essence of chocolate. We joked that one breast was chocolate milk.  *  When I have finally mastered sharing my chocolate stash fearlessly, even when down to the last square, that will be the true test that all my years of meditating have not been in vain.  *  Eating chocolate is a way to enlightenment. When you see a chocolate Buddha, bite its head off!  *  I sometimes go on a no-chocolate fast. Then someone will offer me a too-good-to-resist truffle and I fall off the wagon. Soon I’m buying seven bars of chocolate to get me through the week.  *  I take heart that Andrew Weil and others say an ounce of dark chocolate a day is good for you! Trouble is that most chocolate bars are two ounces or more. And once you open one -- need I say more?  *  Milk chocolate or dark chocolate? That is the question.  *  Studies demonstrate the many healing qualities of dark (70% and above) chocolate. It has the amino acid tryptophan, a precursor to seratonin, a neurotransmitter involved in regulating moods. Scientists say chocolate has anti-oxidants, lowers the risk of diabetes, stroke and heart attack, is rich in fiber, has anti-clotting and blood thinning qualities, provides UV light protection, improves vision, makes people better at counting tasks (smarter?), makes people feel more awake and alert, lowers blood pressure, it may boost cognitive function and memory, controls blood sugar, slows aging, and can suppress a cough. Every medicine has its side effects. Chocolate can cause kidney stones, trigger migraines, contribute to lower bone density.  It is acidic and can increase stomach acid and contribute to acid reflux or inflammation of stomach ulcers, and it can aggravate irritable bowel syndrome. Milk chocolate is higher than dark chocolate in calories, saturated fats and sugars. It is dangerous

Oliver Kita , 18 West Market St., Rhinebeck . Produces fine fair trade and organic chocolates and truffles. Kita says: “Chocolate is an extraordinary experience of daily pleasure, like a fine perfume.â€?  Verdigris Tea and Chocolate Bar, 135 Warren St., Hudson. Kim Bach, owner, says: “Chocolate has a substance in it that causes euphoria, a sense of comfort and wellbeing. It has a decadence that makes people feel important and loved.â€? Surprisingly she sees more men buying chocolate for $8 or $10 “without batting an eye.â€? House specialty: Angelina. Melted chocolate served in a cup with a side of fresh whipped cream. Named after the famous establishment in Paris.  Lucky’s Chocolates, 115 Partition St. in Saugerties Homemade small-batch organic and fair-trade chocolates. Almond Bark, Toffee Assortment, Salt Carmel. Also serves salads, fresh juices and paninis.  Kraus’s Chocolates at 41 Partition St. in Saugerties Family-owned business for over 80 years. Three generations, using original recipes. Handmade chocolates. Fruition Chocolate Works , 3091 Route 28, Shokan. “From bean to bar.â€? Handmade, small batch. Brown buttermilk chocolate. Dark Milk, Flor De Sal, Hispaniola.

to pets.  *  I have one chocolate rule I will not break (so I tell myself ): No hydrogonated oils! Trans fats are almost impossible for the body to digest. If I eat chocolate containing that evil stuff, within the week I get a big, bad, ugly, painful pimple. Last year, my daughter announced that the fourth graders at her school were boycotting Hershey’s chocolate because they use child labor. That was relatively easy for her because she got a miniscule but steady percentage of the high-quality fair-trade chocolate coming into the house. Â

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PHOTO COURTESY OF FRUITION CHOCOLATE

*  My pet peeve is that one can’t get a decent quality chocolate on highway rest stops. Europe would never tolerate such a state of affairs. I have been known to buy a Hershey’s bar at rest stops. Afterwards, I feel ‌ well ‌ disappointed in myself. Like a chocolate slut.

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29, 2015 14 | January Celebrations of Love

PHOTO COURTESY OF WIKICOMMONS

One of the great side beneďŹ ts of a spa gift for a couple is that the couple can keep giving each other spa treatments ad inďŹ nitum. Talk about keeping a marriage alive and well.

Spa getaways for two They’re great as wedding presents, and anniversaries By Anitra Brown Spas are the perfect romantic getaway. Where else can you don white fluffy robes, remove them for side-by-side massages, and then retire to your room for some private time? Better yet, you don’t need to fly to Tucson or Palm Springs for a worldclass spa visit. The Hudson Valley is unusually rich in spas, offering a wide range of experiences and prices. Among your choices are one of the world’s finest health spas, a resort spa with roots in the 19th century, and a European-inspired inn specializing in detox programs. If you’re thinking about visiting a spa with someone you love (or even giving a spa visit as a wedding present), there are a few questions you should ask before you buy.

vices at the same time. Do we have to stay overnight to visit the spa? For the most part, the answer is no. Mohonk Mountain House, Buttermilk Falls, Cranwell and The Emerson Resort & Spa can all accommodate you overnight or just for spa treatments. The one exception is Canyon Ranch in Lenox, Mass., a legendary health resort in the Berkshires which requires a minimum two-night stay. The spa is only open to guests. Overnight spas tend to have more facilities (and higher prices), so day spas can be a good choice when you’re on a budget. What services do you offer couples? Most spas offer couples massage, but the room can range from the very basic (two massage tables and a window) to a luxurious fantasy realm where a rose-petal strewn bath awaits you. Resort spa wow factors include fireplaces, double-Jacuzzis and champagne-and-cheese platter service. Not all spas have the ability to massage two people in the same room, but they will try to book the ser-

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Is the relaxation area co-ed? Unless the spa is very small, men and women go to separate lounge areas after check-in. Sometimes couples can reunite in a co-ed relaxation area, like the one at Mohonk, which ups the romance quotient. If there is no co-ed area, remember there are other ways to connect -- over an elegant dinner, perhaps. Do you need to be together for treatments? Some spas have a co-ed area but no couples treatments. At other spas, it’s the reverse. Decide what’s really important, and if you want one or both. Also, don’t feel obligated to get a a massage together. Some people like to zone out during a massage, and others like to talk. If you’re a mismatch with your significant other, you can always say au revoir and meet up afterwards. Now it’s time to find a spa! Here are some of the best options -- in the region and the country. ULSTER COUNTY Set on top of the Shawangunk Mountains in the heart of a 26,000-acre wilderness area, Mohonk Mountain House is a national historic landmark and one of the great 19th-century mountain resorts. It stays true to its Victorian roots even in the spa, where a gas-lit fire quietly glows in the couples room. The signature Mohonk Red couples massage, performed with warm towels infused with witch hazel, is superb. Overnight packages give you more time to hike the trails, take fitness classes and sit by the fire. mohonk.com Indulge your Silk Road fantasies at the ultraluxurious Emerson Resort and Spa in Mt. Tremper. Couples are a specialty here: the spa can accommodate three sets at once. There’s only one VIP retreat room, however. Sup on sparkling

January 29, 2015 Celebrations of Love

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wine and a platter of fine cheese, soak in a Jacuzzi for two, and then lie down side-by-side for your 50-or-80-minute massage. With canopy-draped beds, gas fireplaces, and outstanding views of the Esopus Creek, The Inn at Emerson is the place to retire. emersonresort.com The Copperhood Retreat and Spa in Shandaken harkens back to European spas, with specialized spa treatments, plenty of exercise, and elegant multi-course meals that teach you to love good food. Nervous about looking your best before the wedding? Copperhood offers three-night juice fast programs (with optional colonics!) all the way up to 21-day lifestyle transformations. Get a couples massage or, even better, book an instructional two-hour session with a massage therapist to learn how to work on each other. copperhood.com Overlooking the majestic Hudson River, Buttermilk Falls Inn & Spa in Milton has an organic garden, farm animals and a laid-back vibe. Cozy rooms in the historic main inn which dates to 1764. The ultra-modern spa uses solar and geothermal energy to heat its sauna, steam room and endless pool. The glass-paneled solarium is a lovely place to hang out together, but you’ll have to get your treatments in separate rooms. Parting is such sweet sorrow. buttermilkfallsinn.com

IMAGE COURTESY OF MOHONK MOUNTAIN HOUSE

Mohonk Mountain House has become known for its couple spa treatments, as well as being a classic wedding and honeymoon site. then get side-by-side mani-pedis. All other services, including massages, results-oriented facials, even Botox and fillers with Dr. Dormer, are in single treatment rooms. havenrhinebeck.com

in sports you love, or work with a fitness instructor to create an exercise program for two. The spa is only for guests, with a two-night minimum. canyonranch.com

ORANGE COUNTY With an imposing two-story palladian window at the entrance, C’est La Vie Spa & Salon in Middletown has the bling thing going on. ust about everything on your glamor wish list is here -- up-dos, shellac manicures and make-up applications -- along with On the other side of things you haven’t heard Woodstock, Savor Spa of but might want to try, moved to the second floor like hair painting and deof super-chic Cheri Voss tox seaweed baths. CouSalon just last August. It ples who come to C’est has just three treatment La Vie can enjoy side-byPHOTO COURTESY OF CANYON RANCH rooms, but couples are a Canyon Ranch, in the Berkshires, is the sort of side Swedish or customspecialty: you can even spa that makes one feel like royalty as well as ized massages for 50 or get a duet massage and healthy, and together. 80 minutes. cestlaviespa. facial. (It’s hard to find com a double-esthetics room.) One weekends it gives aromatherapy yoga classes. Savor’s signature organic skin care line, Om Aroma, is hand-made in THE BERKSHIRES Shokan. How’s that for local? savorspa.com If you want to experience the best that spas have to offer, look no further. Canyon Ranch Lenox in DUTCHESS COUNTY the Berkshires is one of the world’s finest health Located in a stately Victorian on Rhinebeck’s resorts. The food is delicious. The rooms are posh. main thoroughfare, Haven day spa is known for Every day you get to choose from more than 50 fitits elegance and style. Tasteful neutrals, classic ness classes, outdoor activities and fascinating lecshapes, and good bones make you feel like you’ve tures by top doctors and wellness experts. Book a arrived -- if only for the afternoon. Enjoy a glass “Building Better Relationships� consultation with of sparkling wine in the relaxation room together, one of the life management experts, train together

Built around a Gilded-Age mansion and 18-hole championship golf course, Cranwell Resort, Spa and Golf Club is a surprisingly affordable spa getaway just a few minutes from Canyon Ranch. The 1894 mansion is an elegant backdrop for romantic dinners. The 60-foot indoor swimming pool is fabulous. There’s just one catch. The spa has lovely -- but separate -- men’s and women’s lounges. Sigh. You can meet up again for a duet massage, however. If you don’t mind being by yourself, the Babor facials are superb.

Set in a brown professional building just west of Woodstock, River Rock Health Spa has been winning awards for its superior therapists and treatments for years. One specialty of this day spa is the aromatic hot towel massage using essential oils and deep-tissue techniques. It works just fine for couples. It’s worth some time alone for the organic body scrub or herbal mud wrap; both feature a delicious sevenheaded shower while you lie on a table. riverrock. biz

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29, 2015 16 | January Celebrations of Love

Beyonce and Jay-Z? It’s enough that she can croon and supply new tunes to compete in several of today’s romantic musical genres, from lust through to marriage. Just be careful how you use music... unless one’s got a pre-nup on certain songs in place first.

Music, the all-you-can-eat buffet of love DJing a wedding shouldn’t lead to a divorce... By Robert Burke Warren usic,” said philosopher Immanuel Kant, “is the quickening art.” And by quickening, he meant connecting to life force, i.e. love. Filial love? Maternal love? Erotic love? Love for the world? Yes, all of these. Music, in contrast to the other arts, gets you there fastest; in a few notes, a tune can honor, provoke, or even soothe whatever form of love you feel. Purveyors of other arts know this. “If music be the food of love, play on!” says lovesick Duke Orsino to his court musicians, opening Shakespeare’s Twelfth Night. He wants them to

“M

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distract him from his unhappy love life, to fill him up with love/ music, so that, once engorged, as with food, he won’t desire it any more. It doesn’t work. In the climax of James Joyce’s classic short story The Dead, narrator Gabriel’s wife, Gretta, hears a snatch of the heartbroken ballad, “Arrayed For the Bridal,” and it transports her to youthful days, to the spirit of long-dead Michael Furey, a boy she passionately loved (and, in fact, still loves) before she met her husband. Gabriel now realizes their longtime marriage, while enduring, is not quite the romance he’d thought. Yet he welcomes the clarity (eventually). In William Styron’s harrowing Darkness Visible, A Memoir of Madness, the author is resolved to commit suicide until he hears a snippet of Brahms’ Alto Rhapsody. The music, he says, “pierced my heart like a dagger, and in a flood of swift recollection I thought of all the joys [my] house had known: the children who had rushed through its rooms, the festivals, the love and work, the honestly earned slumber.” He recovers. In Cameron Crowe’s iconic ’80s flick “Say Anything,” trench-coated Lloyd Dobler (John Cusack), expressing love and penitence to his angry, lip-glossed girlfriend Diane (Ione Skye), stands outside her house holding aloft a large boombox blaring Peter Gabriel’s “In Your Eyes.” She listens and is moved. Clearly, music is a potentially powerful force to employ in the name of love, life, and even, in some instances, other things. (U.S. Marines blasted Van Halen’s “Panama” to “torture” Panamanian drug lord and dictator Manuel Noriega into surrendering in 1990.) As we move toward Valentine’s Day,

let us focus on song selections touching on variants of love and its unhinged twin, lust, so that, going forward, we may better equip ourselves to offer up dedications, compile playlists, and create mixes for almost any ardor-fueled situation. YOUNG LOVE, FIRST LOVE (ALSO KNOWN AS DUMB LOVE) Lennon & McCartney’s early oeuvre remains particularly effective in expressing this variant: the beguiling exuberance of “I Want to Hold Your Hand” endures, lo these 50 years later, while “I Saw Her Standing There” is borderline innocent rock n’ roll lust. Both are bouncy and raw, like lovelorn youngsters. Elvis’ smooth “Can’t Help

January 29, 2015 Celebrations of Love

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Falling In Love,� gives us the idea of “love as sweet surrender,� while The White Stripes’ delicately dark “We’re Going to Be Friends� offers a rare slice of pre-pubescent love under the guise of fascinated friendship. Sadly, Donny Osmond’s whining treacle “Puppy Love� caused much ruin in 1972, but we shall not speak of it. LUST One word: Prince. And now, many words: “I Wanna Be Your Lover,� “Dirty Mind,� “Do It All Night,� “Lady Cab Driver,� “Do Me Baby,�“The Beautiful One,� “Kiss,� “Gett Off,� “Cream,� and many more. These Prince songs (actually most Prince songs about anything) will both invoke and evoke carnality. Trust me. Prior to Prince, the Holy Trinity of lust was basso profundo Barry White, falsetto marvel Al Green and soul shouter Teddy Pendergrass, all aces when it came to mu-

sic about physical intimacy. Unlike Prince, they’re more restrained in delivery, and less graphic, but it’s always clear what these guys are singing about. BAD AND/OR MAD LOVE Love is a many splendored thing, sure, but it can also bring out the worst in people. Rock and Roll Hall of Famer Joan Jett’s “I Hate Myself For Loving You,â€? comes to mind, as does Bon Jovi’s “You Give Love A Bad Name.â€? Van Morrison’s “Crazy Loveâ€? is perhaps the most beautiful song about insanity-producing amour. Linda Ronstadt’s “new waveâ€? hit single (and album) “Mad Loveâ€? is joyous pop crazy, as is Beyonce’s “Crazy In Love,â€? Heart’s “Crazy On You,â€? Patsy Cline’s “Crazy,â€? Seal’s “Crazy,â€? and Gnarls Barkley’s “Crazy.â€? If there’s a common thread in these songs, it’s a sense of both doom and anticipation in the singers, and music that’s both unhinged and, at times, deceptively smooth. LOST LOVE Some love is forever, but most is not. Country music excels at the “lost loveâ€? song: Dolly’s “I Will Always Love Youâ€? (I will always consider it a Dolly song), Hank Williams’ “Lovesick Blues,â€? George Jones “He Stopped Loving Her Today,â€? et al. Country artists in particular sing with hearts full of ache, pining out loud across the hills and hollers and from the shadows of the smoke-filled juke joint. While country is king in this area, soul, rock, pop and folk mine the territory, too. To wit: George Michael’s “Careless Whisper,â€? William Bell’s “You Don’t Miss Your Water,â€? Sinead O’Connor’s “Nothing Compares 2 Uâ€? (written by Prince), Carole King’s “It’s Too Late,â€? Joni’s “River,â€? Michael Jackson’s “She’s Out Of My Life,â€? and Human League’s “Don’t You Want Me,â€? to name a few in which singers often sound on the brink of tears (Jackson actually does break down). These are songs to steer clear of when making that wedding mix CD. Which brings us to‌

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WEDDING SONGS The Chirelles’ “Going to the Chapel,� of course, is perhaps the most optimistic-sounding wedding song, not a trace of anything but youthful excitement and innocence. For some spice, Nick Lowe’s “I Knew the Bride (When She Used to Rock and Roll)� is an underrated classic that delivers a punch, but remains sweet and, I daresay, respectful. Billy Idol’s punky “White Wedding� is dark and menacing, yet some rockers of a certain (goth) stripe would welcome it. But couples who want irony on the Big Day are probably not thinking it through. “It Had To Be You� is a foolproof standard, written by Isham Jones and Gus Kahn, and a hit in every decade until the ’aughts. Bill Withers’ “Just the Two of Us� is funky and bright, with just the right touch of bittersweetness. In all types of love, let music be your crafty accomplice. Love may let you down from time to time, but music never will.

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29, 2015 18 | January Celebrations of Love

Requited love A local author’s new book hits a real target By Paul Smart n a recent installment of her Psychology Today blog, Lisa A. Phillips – author, assistant professor of journalism at SUNY New Paltz, Woodstock-based artist Bill Mead’s wife and mother of a ten-year-old girl -- talks about Sleeping Beauty, or at least about the version of the classic story as presented in the Disney hit, “Maleficent.� Phillips hits at some of the key attitudes we tend to bring to marriage and to our other relationships, as well as to that juncture of maturity a marriage was once supposed to represent. “These stories present an inspiring alternative to the more familiar traditional fairy tales, in which princesses find love by being beautiful and waiting passively (at times very passively – in eternal sleep, near death, or some other quasi-coma state) for their prince to come,� she wrote in “Maleficent, Frozen, and the Pain of Love.� �The latest revisionist fairy tales show us ways to move on from rejection,� she wrote for her Unrequited blog, “on obsessive love, rejection, yearning and relationship pursuit in an era of romantic practicality.� Phillips’ book, Unrequited: Women and Romantic Obsession, has just come out from HarperCollins to acclaim, with a number of local readings. She focuses her Maleficent piece on the spurned

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Clara and Bill Mead, daughter and husband of author Lisa Phillips, are who she thanks in her new book, Unrequited, for ďŹ nally showing the meaning of what requited can and should mean. fairy turned evil spell-caster who redeems herself by bestowing true love’s kiss on to the beauty she put to sleep. She noted how she wants her own daughter to learn, as she comes into that age and first tastes love and deep rejection, that “good relationships of all kinds – friends, family, support groups – satisfy the reward-seeking urges of the brain in a healthy way.â€? In short, the answer to disappointments in love is often to seek more love, though not necessarily of the fairy-tale variety. “Being with loved ones is no magic bullet,â€? Phillips writes. “But their companionship can help us feel satisfied and soothed, and may lessen the compulsion to seek other, less healthy rewards – revenge, the attention of an unhealthy love object, or drug and alcohol abuse.â€? Though such sentiments may be apt when wedding vows roll around, they are hard to concentrate on given all the distractions of event planning, the big days themselves, the honeymoon, and settling down. That’s especially true when one considers that many here in the Hudson Valley are marrying a bit older than we once did. es, Disney’s lessons are great for those coming into or out of their dewyeyed teen years, as Phillips observes. But could they be even more apt, and ever needed, for those who come to the proverbial (and now often virtual) altar with deep, complex histories? Despite the presence of Fatal Attraction and countless other spurned warning tales, we have retained our often-misleading emphases on such bromides as “love at first sight,â€? “true love conquers,â€? and “perseverance wins.â€? “I think we have a lot to learn about what romantic feelings can and can’t do for us,â€? says Phillips, a former public radio journalist and current professor at SUNY New Paltz. “Passionate love can be great, and even unrequited love can have its thrills and benefits. But when it comes to making a life with someone, what you are looking for is someone who truly knows how to be good to you -- and you know how to be good to that person in return.â€? Phillips speaks candidly about how therapeutic it’s been for her in the writing process to face the unrequited loves in her past, and how deep it’s made her marriage. She recalls how, after she got engaged, she had a series of dreams about her past loves, as if to say goodbye to each one. But all is replaced now by waking up each day to the gaze of someone “who requites.â€?

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The year Phillips turned 30, she got entangled in an obsession with a man who was involved with someone else -- the story that forms the narrative spine of Unrequited, the book. Soon after her obsession ended, she met her husband. “This is what I was chasing and now I have it,â€? she declares. “It’s good fortune, but also a sort of lesson – that you don’t go after the person who is evasive. You give yourself to the person who is good to you. In that realization is the baseline that all good marriages are built on, even if everyone getting married has had some heartbreak in their life.â€? Once married, Phillips goes on, she found it strengthening to look back at who she was before fully sharing her life. Recalling what her life was like enables her better to appreciate what it is now. “It feels important to tell oneself, I was single, I journeyed through several disappointments and ecstasies. But this is a different part of my life now that’s all about steadiness and well-being and trust,â€? she says. “For quite a few of us, that’s a good place to be in, even with the inevitable banalities of family life.â€? What she says is a great thing to remember amongst the rush of an actual courtship, wedding, or even rekindling of ardor later on. How do kids figure into this picture? “My book is dedicated, To Bill and Clara, who requite,â€? Phillips answers. “Your spouse has committed to requite you. Your child is biologically programmed to requite you. Together, it can make a life feel complete.â€? On a personal level, we speak about how hard marriages can be at times. But they deepen also. The realization of the kind of love which wakes Sleeping Beauty keeps maturing, and we keep awakening. Or simply remain awake. “In marriage you can take all the mistakes you’ve lived through in past romances and say, What can I do to use this to make my marriage better?â€? Phillips adds. “Learning from your mistakes always feels healthier than having regrets. To stay with it is the key.â€? Phillips concedes that her focus on the unrequited which we are all subconsciously taught to revere may be an endless subject. She advises a refocus on where love does exist in our lives. “It’s about becoming different people,â€? she says. “It’s easy to feel like a smug married woman. Then I reach back and remember just how hard it was not to have someone looking back at me saying, This is a mutual thing.â€?

January 29, 2015 Celebrations of Love

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