COLUMNIST – KATHY CLUGSTON Walk Before you Run

Kathy Clugston

Kathy Clugston is a freelance radio presenter. She chairs the long-running BBC Radio 4 programme ‘Gardeners’ Question Time’ and presents the weekly entertainment show ‘The Ticket’ on BBC Radio Ulster.

WALK BEFORE YOU RUN

This month, Kathy Clugston falls down an internet rabbit hole and finally does something about a relationship that’s been wearing her out.

Have you ever fallen down an internet rabbit hole? Something pops into your head, you look it up online, you find something else intriguing there, you look that up, and so on, and so on, until before you know it three hours have passed. This happened to me the other day with the phrase “I’m a lover, not a fighter”. It’s one of those phrases that has entered the general lexicon and I wondered where it had originated. I thought it was probably from a film and was surprised to see a number of websites crediting the 1982 Michael Jackson/Paul McCartney song, The Girl Is Mine, as the source - I mean, come on, it must be older than that, surely? More digging unearthed the title of a song by Lazy Lester, released in 1958 and covered by The Kinks in 1964. I was excited when one source suggested it dated back to ancient times, with Homer’s Iliad describing Achilles or possibly Patroclus along these amorous lines. What a fact! I spent almost an hour trying to verify it before giving up and reluctantly getting back to the thing I was supposed to be doing, which was writing this column. As I sat down to ponder a topic, the first words that popped into my head had been “I’m a walker, not a runner”, which reminded me of the other phrase and set me off on my wild Google chase. So, to get back to the point. Running. I’ve had a breakthrough. I’ve realised I hate it.

I should have known, really. I was never any good at it as a child. In spite of my unfeasibly long legs, I was embarrassingly slow at sprinting at school. They moved me to high jump, where you only have to run about four steps. At first I could clear the bar basically by stepping over it, but I was soon out-jumped by shorter people who made an effort. I tried netball and could manage all right if I got the position where you stood still and flapped your hands in the air while the shooter took aim at the hoop, but put me in one of those running-around positions and it was game over.

Illustration by Jacky Sheridan

I remained happily sedentary for years, then decided, quite suddenly, in my late forties, that I was going to become a runner. I was going to be one of those women: energetic, confident in lycra, adept at whipping up an oatmeal smoothie. I started, as many do, with the Couch to 5K app. I’m sure even the most ardent sofa-sitters among you know about it: you start with walks interspersed with short runs; the length of the runs gradually increases until, nine weeks later, you can run for 30 minutes without stopping. And it worked! I, who could barely run for a bus, could jog for 3 miles! I was triumphant, at first. I ran every other day. I did a charity run. And I waited to be bitten by the bug everyone talked about, the one that would make me fall in love and commit for life. But once the honeymoon period was over, I realised that I didn’t really like running that much, and soon started making excuses: it was too cold, or too hot, I’d eaten too much, or not enough, I hadn’t time, all my lycra was in the wash. Once you skip a day, it’s easy to skip another... then after a couple of months, guilt would overwhelm me and I’d start the whole sorry cycle all over again.

But I’m done now. I’ve flipped the switch on this on/off relationship, and get my endorphins from a more reliable companion: walking. Walking is fantastic - you can actually go places (not just round in sweaty circles), you don’t need a special outfit, and you don’t knacker your knees. If, after a long year of lockdown, Couch to 5K has enticed you and you are running and loving life, I wish you well. If you see me sauntering along, feel free to flash me a superior smile as you speed past.

By the way, I still don’t know who coined the “lover not a fighter” thing. The Lazy Lester song is quite good though. You should Google it, if you have a spare hour or three.

THIS MONTH’S OBSESSIONS:

Thermal underwear - Incredibly, I’ve only just discovered the happiness a thermal vest and leggings can bring. They come in super-thin, fancy fabrics nowadays, so you can wear them under any outfit. Life-changing. Battlestar Galactica - A noughties revamp of the 1970s sci-fi series, available on BBC Iplayer. It’s less about battling aliens - although there is quite a bit of that - and more about politics, society and human relationships. Pears - I cannot stop eating them, especially sliced with a handful of walnuts and a wodge of strong cheese. If they’re too hard, make a compote using a little water, lemon juice, cinnamon and ginger.