Ultra Vires Vol 12 Issue 4: 2011 January

ULTRA

VIRES

THE INDEPENDENT STUDENT NEWSPAPER OF THE UNIVERSITY OF TORONTO FACULTY OF LAW

VOLUME 12, ISSUE 4

www.ultravires.ca

U of T takes centre stage at Law Games

Law Games a glorious success

January 26, 2011

U of T and its sexy Dalmatians partied hard at Law Games this year. Check out more Law Games pictures in our 4 page photo spread from pg. 11-14

On January 2, 2011, 42 University of Toronto Law students embarked on a bus for Quebec City, where they would be attending Law Games 2011.

This year's Games, hosted by Laval University, was a grand success for the U of T delegation, which managed to take home the Law Games soccer banner for the second year in a row, while having plenty of fun the rest of the week at many other sporting events, activities, and of course parties. The Games were not without the kind of wildness and controversy one might expect from a days-long social bender for highly intelligent university students.

Law Games began in the 1980s as a friendly hockey tournament between Canadian law students. Its purpose has been to introduce Canadian law students to their fellows across the country. The Games has evolved from that one-day tournament into a 4-day annual event including both academic and

BY UV STAFF

athletic events. It is the largest gathering of law students in Canada, often boasting attendance rates between 800 and 1000 students. This year, 16 schools participated.

The U of T delegation, led by cocaptains Andrew Robertson and Atrisha Lewis, arrived in the evening along with Western and lodged at the Quebec City Hilton, where non-Law Games guests also had the misfortune of staying (hopefully they received a discount for their troubles). On registration, each room of students received two free 2-4s of beer, compliments of Laval’s organizing committee – they were duly put to use on the first night.

Athletic events began the next morning. U of T fielded teams in volleyball, basketball, kinball, kickball, ultimate frisbee, flag football, soccer, dodgeball, indoor hockey, and inner-tube water polo. Like other teams, U of T had a hard time waking up in the morning for sports that began at 8:30 – the bus to

“PEPS”, the athletic facility, would leave the Hilton at 8:15. Unlike other teams, U of T had one athletic goal: to win the soccer banner. Despite some tense moments in the semi-finals against the University of Alberta, our team advanced to the soccer finals and decimated the competition. This is the second year in a row that U of T has been soccer champion.

The evening events were well attended. After the first, sweatpant-prone night, there were three events. First was a pub crawl. A friendly guide from Laval took the team from pub to pub, where they would meet another team and share a few drinks and games of flip cup, musical chairs, and other similar events. For the truly nocturnal, Laval held a fooseball tournament and the second annual poutine-eating competition later that night.

The next night was “theme night,” CONTINUED on page 2

UV INDEX

- PROFESSORS ON POLYGAMY............. P.3

- MOVEMBER RESULTS........................... P.4

- MOST ELIGIBLE BACHELORS............. P. 5 - VALENTINE’S DAY ADVICE................... P.6

- PROFESSOR RANKINGS....................... P.8

- VAGINA MONOLOGUES...................... P.10

- LAW GAMES PHOTOS.................. PP.11-14

- ATTACK ADS GOOD?........................... P.15

- THE “CHINESE MOTHER”............ PP.15,18

- EXAMSOFT ANGER.............................. P.19 - FACES OF SUCCESS........................... P.21

- 1L POETRY............................................ P.22

- LAWSTUDENTS.CA.............................. P.23 - COMICS..................................................P.24

Masthead The “Love Issue”

Where is the love? Definitely not at UV headquarters after the last issue. With no less than four separate things that could be construed as letters to the editor rolling in from the November issue, we’ve successfully quadrupled last year’s total letter to the editor count. From North York to Bay Street, the hate rolled into the basement of Falconer like a ball of fury. After being the victim of such egregious hate, it’s only appropriate that we roll out our love issue this month.

Where is the love? Hopefully in this, the love issue of Ultra Vires. You’ll love this issue if you ever wanted to know what the hell happened to those Scantron course evaluation forms after you dutifully filled them out with your HB pencil.

You’ll love this issue if you love sexy Dalmatians.You’ve love this issue if you love Chris Lewarne (alternatively, if you are Chris Lewarne). See if you can spot all 7 times his lovable mug pops up in this issue. Let’s put an end to the hate. Sit back and just enjoy the love issue.

- AH

The theme of this issue is love, in anticipation of the coming V-Day. Since my cold legal heart knows nothing about love, I shall instead write about why UV is like a Dalmatian.

According to Wikipedia, Dalmatians are "intelligent, loyal, playful, active dogs." So too is Ultra Vires. We are purveyors of sophisticated legal content, but we don't let that prevent us from having some fun.

Only in this paper will you go from reading about the latest Canadian legal issues to the latest juvenile antics on lawstudents.ca. We span Keir Wilmut to Brendan Morrison, and everyone in between. We are also loyal to U of T Law, the most glorious law school in the nation. We are also active dogs.

Dalmatians are mostly black and white.

So is UV (exceptions for the front, back, and centre). Dalmatians are also wellknown for their spots. UV is also quite spotty, as if it were cobbled together at the last minute by a bunch of amateurs. But it is the spots that give the paper its character, and the reason it is so highly prized by Cruella de Vil. Dalmatians are sexy. This is a new one.

Apparently sexiness can sometimes cause controversy, as it did in November, when UV managed to anger at least one law student, law firm, and law school. But sexiness is mostly a good quality, and UV is full of sexy articles, opinions, and pictures. With a little luck, it just might make the boys go crazy.

- AC

ULTRA VIRES

is the student newspaper of the Faculty of Law at the University of Toronto.

Editors - In - Chief News Editor Opinion and Editorial Features Diversions Production First Year Content Business/Ad Manager Photo Editor Web Manager Copy Editors

Aaron Christoff & Abrar Huq Ashley McKenzie Brendan Morrison Amanda Melvin Caroline Samara Joshua Whitford Matthew Brown Robin Elliott Joshua Chan Yingdi Wu Andrea Wong & Annie Tayyab

Communications Centre, Falconer Hall 84 Queens Park Crescent, Toronto ON M5S 2C5 ultra.vires@utoronto.ca (416) 946 - 7684

Ultra Vires staff weigh in on this issue’s pressing matters with a cartoon theme. U of T was assigned Disney, and elected to attend as 101 Dalmatians, complete with Law Games Captain Atrisha Lewis as Cruella de Vil. During the event, some schools performed in the talent show (Western dazzled onlookers with mad Super Mario skillz).

Laval treated all teams to dinner on the final night, along with a semi-formal dance to conclude the Games. It was at this event that unimportant awards like the “Spirit Cup” or “Athletics Cup” were given to the Saskatchewan and Laval, respectively. U of T was awarded the ultimate prize: the soccer banner.

While cleaning their rooms and packing the next morning, students received a letter from Hotel Management, notifying them that they were to be charged an extra $8 per person to account for damage to the general hotel areas. This came as a surprise for the students, as U of T did not damage its hotel area, unlike other schools such as Ottawa and McGill. Some U of T students were frustrated that they were forced to subsidize destructive hooliganism perpetrated by other schools.

The bus ride home was a quiet affair, as the entire team slept off four days of intense athletic and evening events, the prospect of voluminous law school readings hanging over them. The transition back to responsible studenthood was aggravated by the “Law Games plague” that afflicted some of the survivors.

Law Games changes location each year. In late spring, schools wanting to host the next games “bid” for the opportunity at the annual team captains’ meeting. Often, the games are held in Ontario or Quebec because the bulk of law schools – and therefore the majority of captains’ votes – is in the two provinces.

Although this drives up the price per student for schools in Western Canada, those schools usually receive larger financial assistance from western firms. This year, the price per student at U of T was $450.

Law Games - from page 1

Sexy Dalmatian highly recommends writing for UV

Contributors Jeremy Ablaza, Karim Amlani, Aditya Badami, Matt Brown, Todd Brayer, Josh Chan, Aaron Christoff, Chris Codd, Michael Collinge, Wayne Cunningham, Leo Elias, Mike Hamata, Stephen Hutchison, Abrar Huq, Chris Lewarne, Ashley McKenzie, Amanda Melvin, Paul Mitassov, Brendan Morrison, Will Morrison, Haddon Murray, Tamara Nachmani, Sabrina Radia-Bramwell, Andrew Robertson, Padraic Ryan, Caroline Samara, Michael Serebriakov, Benjamin Sharma, Jared Spindel, Christine Wadsworth, Rebecca Wainstein, Lee Webb, Josephine Wong Ultra Vires is an editorially autonomous newspaper. We are open to contributions which reflect diverse points of view, and our contents do not necessarily reflect the views of the Faculty of Law, the Students’ Law Society (SLS), or the editorial board. We welcome contributions from students, faculty, and other interested persons. Ultra Vires reserves the right to edit contributions for length and content.

Advertising inquiries should be sent to the attention of the business manager at ultra.vires@utoronto.ca.

The next issue will be published on February 28, 2011 and the deadline for submissions is February 23, 2011. The submission limit is 1500 words.

U of T profs storming the court, Karim checks in, and Movember....

NEWS

U of T Law professors put the “game” in polygamy Several University of Toronto Law professors have had their say in the ongoing BC polygamy trial.

The reference, being heard by Chief Justice Bauman of the BC Supreme Court, aims to determine whether section 293 of the Criminal Code prohibiting polygamy is constitutional.

Specifically, BC Attorney-General Mike de Jong has asked the court to determine whether s. 293 is consistent with the Charter, and to clarify the necessary elements of the offence. The governments of Canada and BC are arguing that the prohibition is constitutional, while a court-appointed amicus curiae is arguing that it should be struck down. Harm seems to be the central issue: the harm of polygamy versus the harm of criminalization. Members of polygamous communities are testifying to their views and experiences, anonymously as well as openly. A number of interest groups have lined up on both sides of the issue as intervenors, and many experts are being brought in to report on different aspects of the problem, including legal.

Our own Professors Rebecca Cook, Anver Emon, and Mohammad Fadel, as well as the Asper Centre, have all weighed in on polygamy in their areas of expertise.

In her trial testimony and expert report, Prof. Cook argued that polygamy

BY AARON CHRISTOFF (3L)

is inherently wrong, frowned upon Prof. Emon brought a different perworldwide, and that Canada’s interna- spective, arguing among other things tional obligations require it to uphold its that criminalizing polygyny may antagoprohibition of the practice. “The patriar- nize and alienate the Canadian Muslim chal structuring of family life that en- community. Most of his report deals ables men to marry multiple wives, but with the Islamic legal doctrine on not vice versa, offends women’s dignity, polygamy and its modern interpretation. and thus is inherently wrong.” Moreover, In particular, he discusses 4:3 of the this asymmetrical structure results in an Qur’an, which gives men a conditional asymmetrical distribution of rights and obligations within the marriage. She presents literature showing that polygynous wives and their children are more susceptible to physical, emotional, and material harms due to their family status. Accordingly, most states tend to prohibit polygyny, or at least regulate it – these laws have withstood challenges based on freedom of religion, etc. If the prohibition on polygamy is upheld, wedding cakes such as this one will become a rare sight “There is a strong consensus under international human rights treaty license to wed up to four wives, provided law that states are obligated to take all they treat them justly. Today, many Musappropriate measures to eliminate polyg- lim states permit polygamy in accoryny, as one of the prohibited forms of dance with that condition, and some also discrimination against women.” regulate the practice. Polygyny also ocThrough these international obligations curs to some degree in Muslim minority and their effect on the interpretation of communities in the West. Thus, it bedomestic law, Canada is obliged to do its comes important to take them into acbest to combat polygyny within its bor- count in deciding this sensitive issue. ders, Cook concludes. This would obvi- “While some studies argue that polygyny ously necessitate the preservation of the creates the conditions for psychological polygamy prohibition. harm to co-wives, any reliance on such

studies to delineate legal rights and liabilities may undermine a robust commitment to multiculturalism….” Emon appears to disagree with Cook about the value of the harm and polygamy literature, since it often focuses on “women of colour in poor, rural, underdeveloped societies.” He worries that criminalizing polygamy on this basis may send the message that Muslims are not welcome in Canada. Prof. Fadel also brought to bear his expertise on Islamic law in a lengthy report.

The David Asper Centre for Constitutional Rights is also participating in the reference, in conjunction with the Canadian Coalition for the Rights of Children. The DACCR and CCRC have emphasized that the rights of children must be taken seriously when it comes to polygamy policy. Children’s rights are threatened by the practice of polygamy; therefore, its criminal prohibition is justified. In particular, the advocacy centres argue that in polygamous communities children are at risk of being exploited (for labour, and girls sexually), neglected, and otherwise coerced.

The trial is expected to run until the end of January, though many expect that the polygamy question will not end there. The issue may ultimately be decided by a higher court.

SLS second semester update: Spooning, law balling, and financial aid

We at the SLS hope you had a fun and relaxing winter holiday! We have a full slate of exciting events and engaging advocacy initiatives planned for this semester that we thought you should know about. On the social calendar, we have two coffee houses planned, a skate night at Nathan Phillips Square, and potentially a day trip to one of the local mountains for skiing and snowboarding. We are also bringing back the wildly successful law school-wide Assassin game which was last held in 2009. I am still bitter about being “spooned” hours after the commencement of the 2009 game, and am seeking unbridled vengeance. As many of you know, I spoon indiscriminately. What of Law Ball, you ask? Four words: bigger, better, cheaper, and uncut. We’ve managed to book the Metropolitan Ballroom at Atlantis, which of-

BY KARIM AMLANI (3L)

fers breathtaking views of downtown On the advocacy side, our Financial Toronto. Moreover, there will be an Aid Working Group is completing its reopen bar! We’re also planning on drop- search on the financial aid programs at ping the cost of tickets. There is one various law schools throughout Canada major change from last year though – and the United States with the end goal there will be no of presenting a report to dance-only tickets Faculty Council in March. available. We’re hopThe Upper-Year Curricuing to encourage a lum Working Group has lot more first and similarly been looking second years to into the mooting, internacome out to the tional, and perspective rewhole event and quirements for make it the biggest graduation. The Careers and best law school Working Group, meanparty of the year. while, has been working This is, of course, all with the CDO to help in addition to our reg- Is this guy supposed to be our improve the range and glorious leader? ular pub nights and a provision of services avail4-7 social to be held later on in the se- able to students. We also have a Quick mester!

Wins Working Group that focuses on

fixing small things that affect student life in large ways. Over the last semester, Quick Wins fixed a metal spur that caught on a few students’ sweaters, arranged for the loose taps in the men’s bathroom to be fixed, cleaned the kitchen, arranged for some broken electrical outlets to be fixed, got the hand sanitizers brought back in Flavelle, and looked at ways to blunt the sharp edges of the counters in FLB and FLC. All in all, we’re excited about the next few months. Keep a look out for our weekly emails to keep up to date on stuff going on around the law school!

Take two things away from this article: Law Ball open bar, and beware my spoon...

4

MOVEMBER

NEWS

ULTRA VIRES

BY ANDREW ROBERTSON (2L)

Once again this November, gentlemen across the world were able to keep their upper lips warm with the wonderful addition of the Mo’.

The law school was no different, with over 69 people taking part in Movember, the annual moustache growing event that raises money for prostate cancer research. This year, the team even included several Mo Sistas: ladies who unfortunately could not grow their own moustaches, but were able to raise money through their support of Mo Bros. The 2010 Movember Team also included two professors, Mo Bro Ben Alarie and Mo Sista Anita Anand.

This year, the Movember team was able to raise $8500. Though short of our mark from the 2009 “season” this still represented one of the best fundraising efforts the law school has put on in recent years. The money raised by the Movember team will go to researching prostate cancer, as well as support groups for prostate cancer survivors and families of those lost to prostate cancer.

Thank you to all who donated to this very worthy cause, and I look forward to seeing even more Mo’s out next year!

Andrew Clark (1L), Michael Portner Gartke (1L), Karim Amlani (3L), Diego Beltran (1L), David Bernstein (1L), Chris Lewarne (2L), Colin Cameron-Vendrig (1L), Andrew Robertson (2L), Mike Hamata (3L), Aaron Rankin (2L), and Brendan Morrison (3L)

Ranking U of T bachelors, ranking U of T professors, vaginas (but not ranking them) and more...

FEATURES

The law school’s most eligible bachelors

It’s often said – presumably by people who see no value in peace and quiet or in keeping dozens of borderlineferal cats – that there are no prizes for second place.

But try telling that to Clay Aiken’s career! Nevertheless, it’s a sentiment that this year’s contestants for Most Eligible Law School Bachelor know all too well. Having been tempted into the bachelor life by the allure of this winter’s hottest law school fashion – the freakum dress – our contestants must now face up to the reality that, due to the apparent complete lack of eligible bachelorettes at this school, they will be competing for just one prize: a date with YOU. By conducting an analysis along the Tang Curve, it appeared to me at first glance that the composition of this year’s Most Eligible Bachelor contestant pool reflected the classes’ respective levels of engagement with the law school community: we had three gentlemen from 1L, and just one lone representative from the upper years. However, just when they’d lulled me to sleep with their complete disinterest in all things law school, out burst several regular-human-sized upper year bachelors from the body of Haddon Murray, in what was surely his most effective use of a Trojan yet.

Thank you to all of those secret admirers who contributed nominations. I couldn’t have done it without you. Which is to say, I wouldn’t, and almost didn’t, if not for the cruel last-minute whip of my editorial overlords, do it without you. Now, without further ado:

The spry young 1Ls

Louis Tsilivis (1L): Louis is loud, a huge keener, and has moods like a roller coaster – a roller coaster that only goes up. He is decent at flip cup. He loves to wear a suit. Most of all, Louis has a good heart. Louis asked us not to make any jokes about his height, so we didn't. You know why?

Because he's a sweetie, and doesn't deserve shit like that.

Andrew Clark (1L): Andrew’s distinctive dance moves (thrusting pelvis.

Eyes closed. The sound of a cash register.) make him a star at pub-night. Years of competitive soccer and daily gym workouts with his bro mean he’s in great shape. Some of the ladies may have already checked Andrew out at Law Games, where he was frequently spotted without a shirt. Andrew isn’t just a pretty face though. He works hard and plays hard.

Michael Portner Gartke (1L): Known by his popular moniker, MPG, he is ready for a lady to brighten his life. He loves to dance, though he won’t admit it on the first date. Ladies will have to compete for MPG’s time and affection since he has a daily gym date with his bro that he can’t miss. Slobs need not apply as MPG has incredibly high standards of cleanliness. MPG has a good heart and would do anything for his friends [Editor’s note: he won't do that].

MPG works hard and works hard.

BY WILL MORRISON (3L) AND HIS EXPERT PANEL

The oft-shirtless 2Ls

Marty McKendry (2L) There are five reasons why Marty would make a great catch: 1) The lusciousness of Marty’s beard is rivalled only by the tenderness of his heart.

2) His quick wit is rivalled only by his even quicker love-making.

3) His rank in the Canadian Navy was "Ordinary Seaman" (that is not a joke).

4) His rank on the docks of Toronto is "Extraordinary Seaman" (that is a joke).

5) His rank at the Toronto club, THE DOCKS, is "That Guy" (that one's up to you).

crete moment in time. In fact chances are he won't be in love with you by the time you finish reading this... so... quick, sleep with him now. Have you seen his arms??

Chris Lewarne’s biceps are often spotted posing for photos with African children

The disengaged, yet manly 3Ls

Marty McKendry: Ordinary seaman no more

Andrew Robertson (2L): To his critics who say, "Andrew Robertson takes his shirt off at bars too much," he responds, "I didn't wear a shirt to this bar in the first place." No need to -- he'd probably just take it off. When the cigar-smoke clears and the reverberation from the Facebook trash-talking subsides, you'll find Robertson has the heart of a kitten, in the body of a bigger, fiercer, middle-aged man kitten. Asked if he was chaperoning his daughter at the ripe age of 14 while trying to get into his Grade 8 prom, Robertson knew life would be a little easier if he started shaving. And stopped wearing a shirt. So whether you're looking for the sophistication of a man who can grow a moustache in a Movember minute, or the reckless abandon of a baby-faced, drunk guy singing the girl part to "Summer Lovin’" at pub night, you're looking for one man: and he's not hard to find.

He's usually the only one not wearing a shirt. Andrew adds, "Oh, and you're welcome."

Chris Lewarne (2L): Chris loves animals and children, and he isn’t afraid to show it. Indeed, virtually all of his Facebook profile photos demonstrate this fact. Last summer, Chris even cut off his own leg cast and limped to Africa to help children. Ladies, just think what he would cut off to go visit you! Chris doesn’t even own a winter coat. That’s how hard he is. Best of all, whether he's staring into your eyes in a way that makes you wish you brought your fancy soul that evening, or mispronouncing "sommelier" in an effort to impress you over dinner, you'll know this: Chris is in love with you. At least at that dis-

Mike Laskey (3L) An expert on surveys, Mike knows that what most women look for in a bachelor is an overwhelming willingness to sacrifice free time on the altar of student activities. Indeed, the data strongly suggests that your heart will ache for that Dick Cheney of Law Review, that Rocky Balboa of mooting, that Rob Ford of the SLS. But if you’re thinking of using his off-hours library access privileges for naughty purposes, don’t let the schoolboy haircut fool you: Mike’s interested in only statistically significant relationships.

Haddon Murray (3L): Were you going to eat that? No? Then there’s a very good chance of you and Haddon forming a successful partnership. Like every prof who’s ever taught him, you might be worried about Haddon getting up and walking out on you in the middle of something important.

Don’t be: thanks to a complete inability to moderate the sounds that come from his gigantic (all-natural!) body, you’ll always know where Haddon is. Still not sure? Alright, we’ll just tell you: he’s up in the library alcove on the public computers using facebook and texting back and forth with Brett Favre. Go on, approach him! Turns out he’s actually highly intelligent, and doesn’t see you as food.

Haddon Murray in his natural habitat

6

FEATURES

ULTRA VIRES

Valentine’s Day advice

Disclaimer: Only follow this advice if you A) really love your girlfriend and want to further bind your futures together or B) if you just really want to get dirty and don’t mind deceiving her about your future desires. If neither, just buy her something lame yet historically symbolic of love like flowers, a fancy dinner, affordable jewelry, etc. The symbolic gifts will allow the both of you to continue your sham of a relationship until one of you finds someone better.

What you do on Valentine’s Day will get shared with your girlfriend’s good friends. If you perform well, her friends will think more highly of you, which will make her even happier to be with you. If you outperform the boyfriends of all her friends, her friends will be envious of her which will make her feel lucky to be with you. If you’re boring or unromantic on V-Day, her friends will think less of you and eventually encourage her to find someone better. No matter how established you think your relationship is, if you lose your girlfriend’s friends, it’s only a matter of time before your relationship deteriorates and ends. Here’s some advice for making her feel lucky to be with you:

Idea 1: Celebrate Valentine’s Day on a day other than February 14th. Everything is busier and more expensive on V-Day, plus this year it’s on a Monday, which is one of the worst five days of the week. Find out which days in February she’s free, and tell her V-Day will be on a surprise date. Everyone loves surprises. Imagine if you didn’t know which date in December Christmas would be – every day would be exciting. Note that it’s better to celebrate on a day prior to V-Day than after, so she’s not secretly disappointed on the real V-Day.

BY JARED SPINDEL (3L)

side of the highway and go down on your girlfriend again. She’ll get over her initial hesitancy, if any, in about 15 seconds. If she doesn’t, dump your boring girlfriend. If surprise and moderately risqué public sex isn’t already part of your relationship, it soon will be.

Idea 5: This idea will take some effort to set up, and it’s somewhat lame. But while this does take some effort, the payoff is huge – she’ll think you’re amazing.

Pick a phrase like “by the way, I love you,” and arrange to have it thrown at her from weird and surprising angles all day long. Here are some examples: 1) intentionally make a false claim about something obscure she cares about and be adamant that you’re correct. Challenge her to check Wikipedia. You’ll have already recently edited the obscure page to include “by the way, (your name) loves (her name).” 2) Secretly arrange for the concierge, waiter, taxi driver, room service guy, a complete stranger, etc. to say it at the end of conversations 3) Have a cake ready at a restaurant that says it 4) Get her mom to call you at the hotel and say it at the end of the conversation… the possibilities are endless.

Idea 2: On the night before your surprise V-Day, keep a rose and card with a V-Day message hidden under the bed. Do what you need to do to wake up early on the surprise V-Day. On the morning of your surprise date, wake her up with oral sex. When she’s no longer disorientated from being startled awake by the world’s best alarm clock, hand her the rose and card.

This way she can relax and really enjoy it, rather than assuming you’re just taking an obligatory step towards relieving yourself of your morning boner. As an aside, if alarm clock oral sex isn’t already a part of your relationship, it soon will be. If she’s even a remotely good girlfriend, she’ll want you to enjoy what she just enjoyed.

Also, about ten minutes after she finishes, go down on her again. If she’s not accustomed to a double dose of man tongue in the morning and shows surprise, make a bad snooze button joke. Everyone loves considerate idiots.

Idea 3: Make breakfast for her. Take a minute to arrange the food on the plate so that it spells I (heart) U or something like that. Because she thinks so lowly of you, she’ll probably be really impressed by the minute amount of effort you put into arranging the food into a message.

Idea 4: Secretly book a hotel room somewhere with a nice private jacuzzi. It won’t be overly expensive because you won’t be celebrating on the real V-Day. On the day of the surprise V-Day, tell her to pack for a day and hop in the car (rent a car if necessary), but don’t tell her where you’re going. Book a hotel in a somewhat interesting place – Niagara Falls, cottage country, etc., so she doesn’t catch on to your sole desire to fuck all night long, as she would if you were to arrive at a motel in Brampton. On the way to the hotel, pull over on the

Idea 6: Engage all of her senses with a hot bath, scented candles, iPod dock with selected music, white wine and a bucket of ice, vanilla ice cream, strawberries, and a bowl of melted chocolate. Use your imagination from there. As an added touch of romanticism, record yourself singing a romantic song and put it on the playlist (or hire Michael Collinge to sing Unchained Melody while you bathe, which he knocked out of the park on karaoke night). Note that if you do this at all correctly, the water will become murky from the ice

cream and other food (and nothing else, unless you totally screw things up). As a result of bathing in this murky water, a revolting and irremovable stink will attach itself to both of you for a few days. While this might sound like a bad thing, keep in mind that she’ll associate her garbage-like stink with your wonderful day, and her having a constant reminder for the next 3 days about how awesome you are can only be a good thing.

Idea 7: As a young man, I created the world’s best sex/drinking game. It’s simple, but it might be the greatest thing I’ve ever done. If the sexual boundaries in your relationship were the equivalent of slow-moving WWI trench war, this game would be the Roman, Mongol, and British Empires in their heydays all rolled into one with a dash of the 1940-41 Axis campaigns, if you catch my drift (my drift refers to sinister sexual activities, not a genocide fetish).

Anyways, the game is pretty simple. All it requires is a few bottles of wine, a blindfold (optional), whipped cream (optional), sex toys (optional) and something to generate random outcomes. Use a couple of dice, a deck of cards, or even an Excel macro. I use an Excel macro, but in order to not lose the three readers of this article, I’ll describe a variation of my game using two dice of different colours. That creates 36 possible outcomes. Create four lists assigning tasks to each outcome, with each list progressing in the level of kinkiness. Your girlfriend doesn’t get to see any of the lists/tasks until they get rolled. The game works by each of you taking turns rolling the dice and performing whatever task you roll. The purpose of the first list is to get naked, a bit drunk, and very horny. Assign outcomes tasks like 1 sip, 2 sips, 3 sips, take off a piece of clothing, make out, massage, neck/ear licking, finger sucking, nipple stuff, and whatever other cute little foreplay activities you and your girlfriend enjoy. You can also add a “plus one sip” to any of the otherwise nondrinking outcomes. You move on to the 2nd list when you’re both naked, and you want about 10-15 rolls each on this list, so assign clothing removal to about 1/3 of the outcomes. The 2nd list still includes drinking and some of your favorite sensual stuff from the 1st list, but all of the clothing removal and some of the less exciting sensual stuff is replaced by tasks like blindfoldedtotally submissive, various types of oral sex, etc. Break down the oral sex into very specific elements, and come up with equivalent tasks so each outcome applies to both of you... Without going into further detail, the next two lists are increasingly dirty. Use your imagination. The key to this game is that it’s often much easier to write your dirty desires and have them read while both of you are drunk than it is to say them. Plus, your girlfriend will be drunk, horny, and very curious to find out what you really like. For future games, you can have her make the lists, or each of you make half a list, etc.

Idea 8: Depending on how far you go with idea 7, leave a nice tip for the cleaning staff.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

JANUARY 26, 2011

FEATURES

Whatever happened to that guy? Keir Wilmut edition

7

BY TODD BRAYER (1L)

Although he earned his JD five years ago and now works on Bay Street, Keir Wilmut remains one of the most well-known names among Faculty of Law students.

After all, he’s the author of the infamous Keir’s Summaries, a collection of Microsoft Word files still being passed around even though the oldest was written in 2003.

“I didn’t create these thinking they would be passed around,” he said. “If I had, I would’ve made sure there weren’t any typos, or frankly, mistakes in them.”

Keir made the notes by taking his own class notes and combining them with notes that had been passed around dating back into the 1990s.

“To be honest I don’t think my first-year notes are that good. My upper-year ones are far better,” he said. “Those ones I made after I’d figured out how to do law school.”

Beyond Law School

In third year, Keir was a finalist in CTV’s The Next Great Prime Minister! and ended up as a legal correspondent for MTV. “They called me up once a week and said, ‘Stephen Harper is going to send more troops to Afghanistan, can you talk about that?’ So I’d go and talk about it for three minutes and try to appeal to teens watching the show,” he said.

While articling at Torys he kept working for MTV and found some other gigs.

Among other things, he was featured on the Toronto’s Finest Bachelor & Bachelorette Auction. Winners got a date with him to Politica Resto Bar. By the time his articling was up, he decided to take his name out of the running for being hired on as an associate, got an agent, and moved into what he called “soft journalism.”

“I decided I can be a lawyer any time,” he said.

Keir: on the job with MTV

Keir: at one time, one of Toronto’s finest bachelors

Keir also offered some tips on law school note taking. “Ideally, read the case the night before class. Get three old summaries you like and combine them in some form,” he said. “Then, in class you don’t have to sit there typing out the facts as the professor says them. You’ve got the facts already.

Instead, listen to the professor and edit them down as he talks. That way you don’t need to do the grunt work of typing all this stuff out and by the end of the year you’ll have really good summaries.”

Making very good maps at the end of the year was crucial, too, he said, noting that a student with a good map has half the exam done before he or she even begins.

Not soon after getting the agent, he scored a part on Zone of Separation, an 8-part Canadian drama detailing life in a fictional Bosnian city during the U.N.-brokered cease fire, playing the role of a journalist interviewing soldiers. Filming was done both in Bosnia and Toronto.

He also scored some other gigs, including doing the voice of the caller in an online bingo game and a Tim Horton’s commercial.

“I enjoyed it, but I was definitely finding the uncertainty of it all tough,” he said.

“So I decided to get back into law, sent out some resumes, and have been at Bennett Jones for just over two years now doing commercial litigation.”

8

2010-11 PROFESSOR RANKINGS FEATURES

Ladies and gentleman, we are proud to present the inaugural UV professor rankings.

The purpose of these rankings is to increase transparency surrounding professor performance and highlight the best professors this faculty has to offer.

Every year we fill out detailed evaluations assessing the capabilities of the men and women who purport to teach us law on a weekly basis. For years this data has been hidden in obscure binders hidden behind desks in Bora Laskin Library and the Records Office. No longer! Here, UV summarizes each professor’s performance and puts it in a handy ranked format. The resulting table conclusively proves that some professors are indeed better than others.

#1 Carol Rogerson

#2 Martha Shaffer

#3 Ernie Weinrib

#4 Dean Mayo Moran

#5 Sujit Choudhry

Rank 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50 51 52 53 54 55 56

Professor Carol Rogerson Martha Shaffer Ernest Weinrib Mayo Moran Sujit Choudhry Anthony Duggan Angela Fernandez Ran Hirschl Edward Iacobucci Arthur Ripstein Peter Benson Karen Knop Hamish Stewart Ayelet Shachar Kent Roach* Alan Brudner Douglas Sanderson Benjamin Alarie Catherine Valcke Yasmin Dawood Anita Anand* Mariana Mota Prado Jutta Brunée Lisa Austin Bernard Dickens Stephen Waddams* Brenda Cossman Ian Lee* Brian Langille Rebecca Cook Abraham Drassinower David Schneiderman Mohammad Fadel Jacob Ziegel Patrick Macklem Michael Trebilcock Jeffrey MacIntosh Arnold Weinrib Denise Réaume Audrey Macklin Ariel Katz Simon Stern Lorraine Weinrib Trudo Lemmens Anver Emon Jim Phillips Albert Yoon David Dyzenhaus Andrew Green Donald Dewees* Ed Morgan Bruce Chapman Sophia Moreau* Markus Dubber Sara Faherty Jennifer Nedelsky

Course 1 1.16 1.08 1.05 1.19 1.43 1.17 1.32 1.27 1.34 1.29 1.21 1.33 1.23 1.10 1.48 1.36 1.33 1.22 1.44 1.31 1.41 1.83 1.17 1.61 1.44 1.30 1.16 1.29 1.57 1.58 1.58 1.62 2.16 1.67 1.64 1.67 1.82 1.74 1.86 2.08 1.73 1.14 1.20 2.31 1.92 2.16 2.00 2.07 2.08 2.15 1.88 2.32 2.48 2.80 3.27 4.18

ULTRA VIRES

The rankings include all full-time faculty who have taught a course in the past two years. Rankings are assigned based on the professor’s average score for question x of the course evaluations (“Overall, the instructor is an effective teacher”). The better the score, the higher the ranking.

The scores are taken from the 2009-10 course evaluations except where the professor was on sabbatical, in which case they are converted from 2008-09 (*). Where more than one course was taught, the score is an average of those the professor received for each course taught. Intensive courses, workshops, and clinical programs are excluded from the calculation.

Course 2 1.09 1.18 1.29 1.07 1.16 1.33 1.21 1.38 1.70 1.40 1.29 1.40 1.64 1.36 1.50 1.20 1.66 1.20 1.70 1.88 1.58 1.58 1.23 1.67 1.25 2.12 1.70 1.71 1.67 1.58 2.14 2.00 2.13 1.67 2.07 1.93 2.11

2.50 3.39

Average Score 1.125 1.130 1.06 1.133 1.190 1.250 1.45 1.260 1.16 1.270 1.270 1.275 1.290 1.295 1.330 1.08+1.33 1.335 1.7 1.335 1.24 1.337 1.360 1.365 1.31 1.390 1.400 1.405 1.410 1.21 1.413 1.415 1.47 1.427 1.440 1.500 1.520 1.78 1.550 1.570 1.580 1.94 1.583 1.645 1.57 1.660 1.670 1.27 1.677 1.685 1.54 1.690 1.740 1.765 1.67 1.777 1.72 1.863 2.55 1.897 2.38 1.903 1.990 1.995 2.045 2.055 2.070 2.080 2.150 2.190 2.320 2.480 3.095 3.270 4.180 Course 3

#6 Anthony Duggan

#7 Angela Fernandez

#8 Ran Hirschl

#9 Edward Iacobucci

#10 Arthur Ripstein

FEATURES

JANUARY 26, 2011

9

Fun facts about U of T Law from a dusty yellow library book

Before writing this article I had, probably like most of you, not thought twice (or even once) about how our Faculty of Law came to be. Dusty yellow library books* on this matter are about the least interesting form of literature for me, as my almost non-existent attention span struggles with even watching movies set in what I affectionately refer to as “the olden days” (anything before 1990). When it was suggested that the history of the law school could make for an interesting article, I was curious about what could possibly be appealing about it or how it could be relevant to me or my peers.

Reverend John Strachan first came up with the idea of creating the law school, believing that lawyers were the greatest people in humanity. In 1826, he submitted a scheme for the proposed university, originally established as King’s College of Upper Canada, recommending a law program and stressing the importance of establishing a chair in law: “Lawyers must from the very nature of our political institutions... become the most powerful profession, and must in time possess more influence and authority than any other...It is therefore of the utmost importance that they should be collected together at the University, become acquainted with each other and familiar, acquire similar views and modes of thinking, and be taught from precept and example to love and venerate our parent state” (1-2).

However, the University Act 1853 abolished all faculties, minimizing legal education to the “general system of liberal education in University College.” During this time, tuition charged upon entrance to the University program was a bank-breaking four dollars and an additional whopping six dollars for the L.L.B. degree! However, the Law Society of Upper Canada refused to accept law courses at the University College as equivalent to its own requirements. In 1887, the Registrar of the University of Toronto invited the Law Society to attempt to re-establish the Teaching Faculty in Law at the University, commencing the process of establishing the current Faculty of Law, one of the oldest professional Faculties at the University of Toronto.

Despite appointing the teaching staff of the new

BY REBECCA WAINSTEIN (1L)

Faculty at the beginning of 1889, the Law Faculty was not yet properly formed, largely due to the establishment of the law school at Osgoode Hall by the Law Society of Upper Canada in the same year, satiating the demand for legal education. Grading requirements were “slightly” less stringent than today, requiring a minimum grade of 33% in each subject—or students could shoot for the stars and aim for an honour standing, maintaining a grade of 75%. Obviously, despite studying similar subjects, the content was quite different—Torts would not be as fun before cars were invented! Yet, for some of us, Criminal law may have been similar, as at least in one first year section, we study many of the early 20th-century cases that were modern at that time.

Reverend John Strachan is the founding father of this glorious institution

to proceed to the bar.

In 1949, the second dean of the Law School, Cecil Augustus Wright, resigned from his position at Osgoode out of frustration of his relentless struggle to establish a full-time academic law school. It was Wright’s mission to establish the best academic-professional course he could and attract the best staff available in Canada. With this background, Wright led the battle against the Law Society to have graduates of all Ontario law schools be recognized on par with those of Osgoode. Luckily for Wright, Osgoode Hall could no longer afford to run their school privately and resorted to public funding, a condition of which was acknowledging legal educations at other law schools.

Class size at Osgoode was also strained, and possible solutions were being considered. As a result, in 1956 a new program was drawn up and the schools at Toronto, Queen’s, Ottawa, and later Western finally succeeded in obtaining full professional status. Victory!

In the midst of juggling classes, extra-curricular commitments, career considerations, and yes, even some fun, it is easy to forget that without the struggle of the Faculty, we wouldn’t even be able to practice law after completing the academic degree. Undoubtedly, we take for granted the Faculty of Law’s strong history and the important role it has played in the system of legal education in Ontario and our lives in particular. If nothing else, I feel grateful to spend these few years in a classroom learning “from precept and example to love and venerate our parent state” with all of you, rather than apprenticing. We all have enough years of work ahead of us. *All facts are from this dusty yellow book in the library: James A. Bridle, The University of Toronto Law School—A History 1843-1967 (Toronto, 1969).

In the 1940s, under W.P.M. Kennedy’s deanship, the program made headway in making legal education in Ontario an academic degree course, rather than an apprenticeship, and was recognized by all common law jurisdictions except Ontario as sufficient for a graduate

UV HITS THE STREET What do you think about law school couples?

Mike Varey & Lwam Ghebrehariat (3L)

We prefer three-person law school couples (not love triangles)

Josh Stark (1L) Terrible idea.

Dan Goldbloom (2L)

It’s a balancing act between laziness and poor selfesteem.

Georgia Brown & Rebeka Lauks (1L)

They just talk about law all the time...it sounds sad.

There’s no escape.

10

The word “vagina” still has the ability to shock when said in polite company. Usually, this polite company is comprised of people who grew up in relatively normal families, with parents who are professionals and who have lovely homes with whitewashed walls and no discussion of sex around the dinner table. Those people are not me. My mother is a sex therapist and my father legitimately writes “inventor” in the profession section of forms. I get asked questions about condoms, by my mother, over breakfast. My house has no white walls. In fact, it has evolved into a shrine of sorts to the female form over the past few years since my father discovered he has a knack for painting. Fortunately (or not) he also decided that he enjoyed painting only female nudes. As such, we now have a large nude hanging over our television and my aunt has dubbed the bathroom corridor “The Hall of Asses,” for, well, quite self-explanatory reasons. Nothing says “home sweet home” like the book How to Be a Great Lover on the kitchen table and a tastefully painted full frontal when you walk in the door. Despite some ruined breakfasts and the fact that it was slightly uncomfortable to bring friends over to my house as a teenager, I am truly grateful to my mother for encouraging me to be open and frank about sex. Eve Ensler’s The Vagina Monologues aims to do the same. Each production of the show encourages women to take ownership of their sexuality, normalize the use of the word “vagina” and promote open and frank discussions about sex and vaginas as well as serious issues that affect women worldwide.

This year, a group of U of T law students are proud

FEATURES

The Vagina Monologues

BY TAMARA NACHMANI (2L)

to be involved in the V-Day Campaign. V-Day is a global activist movement to stop violence against women and girls. Through the production of Eve Ensler’s plays, such as The Vagina Monologues, and other events, V-Day aims to increase awareness about violence against women and girls, including rape, battery, incest, female genital mutilation and sex slavery. The numbers are shocking: according to the United Nations, 1 in 3 women worldwide will be physically or sexually abused in her lifetime.

V-Day also raises money for local charities and the VDay spotlight campaign of the year. In 2010, over 5,400 V-Day benefit events took place globally, produced by volunteer activists. V-Day is about attacking the silence that surrounds violence against women and empowering women to speak about their experiences. The V in V-Day stands for Victory, Valentine and Vagina. As part of the V-Day Campaign, on February 10th and 11th, U

ULTRA VIRES

of T will be putting on a production of The Vagina Monologues. 90% of the proceeds will be donated to the Elizabeth Fry Society and the other 10% benefits this year’s spotlight campaign concerning the women and girls of Haiti. Elizabeth Fry provides transitional housing and community support for at-risk women. It is the only social service agency in Toronto with a specific mandate to provide programs and services for and about women in conflict with the law. The cast of the show is primarily comprised of law students and produced by the law school’s very own Morgan Sim and Mireille Giroux.

So I encourage you all to come out and support your fellow classmates and the cause – it is sure to be an entertaining show and we could all use a little more of the word “vagina” in our lives. As for me, I’ll be the girl sitting in the library, eating a chocolate vagina, and reading the article about spooning my mother wrote for LavaLife.

The Vagina Monologues will be showing February 10th and 11th at 8pm at the Robert Gill Theatre. Be sure to get your tickets soon as space is limited!

LAW GAMES 2011

Photos by Aditya and Sabrina

a Badami, Chris Codd, a Radia-Bramwell

OPINIONS & EDITORIALS Negative ads, like vaccinations, are good for you

Welcome to 2011. New Year’s resolutions have been made, and broken; exams have been marked (we hope and believe!); and Stephen Harper’s Conservatives have released a new round of television advertisements going after the Liberals. Our annual rituals continue unchanged.

The next of them – the ritual denunciations of the ads as degrading political discourse and betraying the proud history of Canadian democracy – surely is on its way.

Rough rhetoric has been a part of Canadian politics since Confederation, all the way from Sir John A. pledging in 1878 to catch the Grit rat and send its hide to Paris for gloves, to Pierre Trudeau telling Lincoln Alexander to “fuck off ” on the floor of the Commons, to John Turner accusing Brian Mulroney of having sold out his country for a trade deal. That’s well understood by anyone who actually knows Canadian history. What is less well understood, however, is the salutary effect negative advertisements have on our politics.

How’s that? Read on.

Look at the purpose of general elections. Elections are held to hire and fire political leaders. That’s guided by judgments their bosses – the general electorate – make about (a) the policies on offer and (b) the character of those seek-

BY BENJAMIN SHARMA (1L)

ing to put them in place.

Politics, you see, is a dialogue between voters and their political hired hands.

Politician A comes to the electorate with a set of ideas and policies. Joan Q. Voter

tells Politician A to go away, because she doesn’t like what he has on offer. Politician A goes off and sulks for a time, comes back with other proposals, after which Ms. Voter decides that maybe she can give him a chance – though she’s watching him closely, and won’t hesitate to fire him if he steps out of line. Negative advertising by Politician B has a role to play in Joan Q. Voter’s deliberations. But Ms. Voter is able to take a sophisticated look at what is on offer and give a calculated,

considered, informed decision on the basis of the information available to her.

Not convinced yet? I’ll put some faces and policies to it. I’ll even take them from recent Canadian history. *** In 2004, Canadian voters were tired of having the Liberals in power. Although they were grateful to the Liberals for what they had done in the 1990s, voters were not impressed with Martin as PM, nor with the party’s careless-

ness with government dollars in Quebec.

They were ready to look at a young fellow named Harper who had managed to cobble together the parties on the right.

Harper stood for election primarily on a platform of putting an end to Liberal

shenanigans and charting a new course, staying rather vague on the campaign trail about his own views. By mid-June 2004, a couple of days after the leaders’ debate, Harper held a five-point lead over Martin.

Martin’s people sought to educate Canadians on who this Harper fellow really was. They ran an ad: Stephen Harper would have sent our troops to Iraq. He’d spend billions on tanks and aircraft carriers, weaken our gun laws, and scrap the Kyoto Accord.

He’d sacrifice Canadian-style health care for American-style tax cuts, he won’t protect a woman’s right to choose, and he’s prepared to work with the Bloc Quebecois. Stephen Harper says when he’s through with Canada, you won’t recognize it. You know what? He’s right.

This message brought to you by the Liberal Party of Canada.

The music accompanying the ad was dark and foreboding, the visuals bold and arresting – it ended with a Canadian flag dissolving into a field of blue. The final message on the screen was, “On June 28th, choose your Canada.”

Its impact was immediate – there was a stampede back to the Liberals of suburban women voters who had been considering giving Harper a chance. Martin’s CONTINUED on page 20

The “Chinese mother”: Culture is no defence for child abuse

Amy Chua, a professor at Yale Law School, recently published a controversial article titled “Why Chinese Mothers are Superior” in the Wall Street Journal (WSJ).

This article generated a flurry of responses, with more than 6000 comments on the WSJ website. It also prompted numerous essays noting depression and suicide rates, the ineffectiveness of negative reinforcement, anecdotal stories of “successful but unhappy and traumatized people” and assertions that Chua’s cultural claims are interpreted too individualistically, narrowly and inaccurately.

Putting aside the questions of whether her definition of success is too narrow, how successful her parenting philosophy is, and what is or is not Asian culture, it is dangerous to delve into the cultural argument without giving essential consideration to basic human rights.

The point is, her actions constitute child abuse, and should not be justified or tolerated by flashing the culture card, whether or not she is a professor at one of the best law schools in the world. To be flaunting such horrendous actions as successful parenting makes me feel sick to my stomach.

Chua started her article with a list of “forbidden” activities for her daughters: - Attend a sleepover… and have a play date

BY JOSEPHINE WONG (3L)

- Be in a school play… and complain about not being in a school play - Watch TV or play computer games - Choose their own extracurricular activities - Get any grade less than an A… and not be the number 1 student in every subject except gym anddrama - Play any instrument other than the piano or violin… and not play the piano or violin.

Chua justified this by her belief that she “know[s] what is best for [her] children and [can] therefore override all of [her] children's own desires and preferences.”

In addition to forbidding these activities, she told her older daughter, Sophia, that she was “garbage.” She also forced her younger daughter, Lulu, who was 7 at the time, to learn how to play a piano piece by threatening to donate her toys and to not give her lunch, dinner, Christmas, Hanukkah or birthday presents for years, calling her “lazy, cowardly, self-indulgent and pathetic,” and not letting her get up for water or to use the bathroom.

Of course, different cultures have different interpretations of “rights.” While accepting cultural differences, we must also recognize that there are universally recognized definitions of children’s rights and child abuse.

According to the World Health Organization’s Report on the Consultation on Child Abuse Prevention 1999, child abuse or maltreatment constitutes all forms of physical and/or emotional ill-treatment, resulting in actual or potential harm to the child’s health, survival, development or dignity in the context of a relationship of responsibility, trust or power. Emotional abuse includes “acts towards the child that cause or have a high probability of causing harm to the child’s health or physical, mental, spiritual, moral or social development. These acts must be reasonably within the control of the parent… [and] include restriction of movement, patterns of belittling, denigrating, scapegoating, threatening, scaring, discriminating, ridiculing or other non-physical forms of hostile or rejecting treatment.”

Words like “garbage, lazy, cowardly, self-indulgent and pathetic” definitely constitute belittlement and denigration. Chua also threatened her daughters with burning their stuffed animals, donating their beloved toys, withholding presents over many years, and more significantly, not providing lunch and dinner until her daughter perfected the piece. Actually, deprivation of food and water essential to survival, and not allowing her daughter to get up and use the washroom is physical abuse.

CONTINUED on the next page

16

Chinese mothers - from page 15

OPINIONS & EDITORIALS

such outrageous behaviour): how she disciplined her children are violations of children’s rights and constituted the criminal offence of child abuse. While we should be sensitive to cultural differences, there must

While calling her daughter “garbage” at one instance or depriving her of one meal may not be sufficient to label Chua’s conduct maltreatment, it appears that this is her style of parenting – every time she needs to discipline her daughters, she uses tactics of physical and emotional abuse, with the intention of inflicting shame and threats. All these actions together over time become a pattern that has the potential of destroying a child’s self-esteem and damaging her emotional health, constituting child abuse.

Furthermore, children have universally recognized rights – perhaps something that a mother like Amy Chua would not understand (since according to her worldview, children are indebted to their parents, otherwise having them would be a terrible bargain). Article 12 of the Convention on the Rights of the Child states that “when adults are making decisions that affect children, children have the right to say what they think should happen and have their opinions taken into account.”

The laundry list of prohibitions Chua imposed (seriously, why couldn’t her daughters play the double bass instead of the violin?) – and the fact that they were not allowed to complain about it – gravely disrespected her daughters’ views and stripped them of the right to participate in the making of their own lives.

Whether Lulu ended up perfecting that piano piece is irrelevant (I also found it disturbing that Chua’s husband was so compliant and even gave her credit for This adorable baby seems pretty happy with his Chinese mom

ULTRA VIRES

be a limitation when a third party’s rights are blatantly violated. For example, in B(R) v. Children’s Aid Society of Metro Toronto (1995), the court held that the right to liberty does not include a parent’s right to deny a child medically necessary treatment. To this end, violations of children’s rights cannot be systematically forgiven, or justified by an unrestricted liberty for parents to control their children’s lives according to their subjective interpretations of cultural beliefs.

Amy Chua gave an interview to the Wall Street Journal following the publication of this article, and conceded that she relaxed her standards after her daughter rebelled at the age of 13, and that the published article was just one excerpt of her memoir. I find this response meaningless: in recounting her memory of having taught her daughter how to play “The Little White Donkey,” she did not express regret, but rather pride – she still fails to understand that what she had done was wrong according to both legal and universal humanitarian standards. In upholding a society that recognizes the diversity of cultures, we also have the responsibility to prevent the abuse of using cultural arguments to justify extensive human rights violations. Cultural differences should be accommodated, but not to a point where blatant child abuse is ignored, tolerated and justified.

Valentine’s Day: A consumer’s lament

For some people, Valentine’s Day is a time of happiness and romance. For others, it’s a time of stress and loneliness.

However, one thing unites everyone's Valentine's Day experience: people trying to sell us stuff we don't want. In that spirit, here are three pet peeves from a curmudgeonly consumer.

Delissio Commercials

The commercials for Delissio frozen pizza achieve a Salvador Dali-level of surrealism. In the most well-known spot, a nerdy-looking youth drives up to a house. He writes “pizza” over his white shirt and hat. He takes a pre-heated Delissio frozen pizza out of the trunk of the car and walks up to the house. A tall man wearing a suit and sunglasses answers the door. The man is having a house party, with numerous fancily dressed guests, including music and strobe lighting. The man eyes the pizza quizzically for a moment. He then asks the youth if he’s the “pizza guy,” and the youth says yes. The man then invites the youth into the party. We then see a montage of the youth dancing with attractive women. The youth tells a woman that he feels he serves “more than just pizza,” and she swoons. The commercial then informs us that “it’s not delivery, it’s Delissio.” Delissio’s delivery-like quality has allowed the youth to execute this cunning ploy.

I call complete and total bullshit on this. If the youth wanted to sneak into

BY STEPHEN HUTCHISON (3L)

the party as a pizza delivery man, why did he heat up a frozen pizza instead of buying an actual delivery pizza? Why is the party host wearing sunglasses inside?

If he truly believes the youth is delivering a pizza, why doesn’t he pay him and send him on his way? Why would he invite him to join the party? If the man was expecting a pizza delivery, what happened to that delivery? Why would these women be so impressed by the fact that the youth claims to deliver pizza? Finally, and perhaps most fundamentally, what sort of idiot would actually mistake Delissio for delivery?

The Beer Store

Did you know that The Beer Store is a private company? It’s true. The Beer Store is operated by Brewers Retail Inc., a private company owned by Labatt, Molson and Sleeman. Along with the publicly-owned LCBO, the three largest private beer companies in Canada share

a monopoly on the sale and distribution of beer in Ontario. No one else is allowed to compete with them. unless they’re selling directly from the brewing site itself (like Mill St.), brewers have to go through The Beer Store.

Queen Elizabeth I once gave the Earl of Essex a liquor monopoly in Ireland.

That seemed to make sense, because it was the sixteenth century and Essex was really handsome. This raises two important points of distinction: 1) it’s no longer the sixteenth century, and 2) the CEOs of Labatt, Molson and Sleeman are not handsome.

These factors suggest that perhaps it’s time to abandon the private monopoly structure.

Government Advertising

Hey, have you heard about Canada’s Economic Action Plan? It’s really working! It’s creating jobs, kick-starting the economy, and bringing hope back to the land. Also, did you know that the Cana-

dian government really cares about victims of crime? It’s true! That’s why they passed the Tackling Violent Crime Act and many other statutes. Visit the website to find out more! Remember that big healthcare crisis a few years back? You might not have heard, but Ontario has made enormous strides in reducing wait times, hiring nurses, and putting our health care system back on the right track. Call our special government hotline to learn more!

What’s the only thing worse than being subjected to blatantly partisan government advertisements? Paying for them. For all these years, I thought taxpayers’ money was supposed to be used to advance the public interest. How wrong I was. It’s actually there to aggrandize our benevolent rulers. We’re paying so that governments can tell us what a great job they’re doing. It doesn’t even work. Nobody actually believes them.

If the partisan ads are bad, the nonpartisan ones are even worse. These are largely devoted to telling us to do things like blow our noses and wash our hands after we pee. If you don’t know to do these things already, no government ad is going to convince you otherwise. The only sensible solution is to completely strip governments of the power to advertise. It’s subject to enormous partisan abuse and doesn’t do anybody any real good. Get rid of it. I mean, fuck.

OPINIONS & EDITORIALS

JANUARY 26, 2011

On bestiality

In a number of American states, bestiality is not a crime. Sexual acts that cause suffering, pain or injury to animals can be prosecuted as animal abuse – but interspecies sexual acts, in and of themselves, are not subject to criminal sanction.

A number of high profile incidents in the last couple of years have brought greater attention to this issue. A group of men in Enumclaw, Washington, operated a bestiality ring. The group was exposed to the public in 2005 when a 45-year-old man died of a ruptured colon after having sex with an Arabian stallion. In 2006 a deputy fire chief in Arizona attempted to sexually assault a neighbour’s lamb.

It is not always easy to prosecute bestiality as animal abuse. Robert Melia, a police officer from Moorestown, New Jersey, was videotaped being “suckled” by calves.

The transcripts from his trial are illustrative: *** Defense: Judge, I defy the court to find the set of facts which supports the indictment. Bestiality was eliminated by our legislature. They determined that it was no longer going to be a crime. In order for the state to shoehorn this set of facts, they claimed animal cruelty. Where is a single fact to suggest any cruelty? They made it clear in testimony that the owner was very upset, but there’s nothing to suggest that this in any way upset or tormented the animals. What was it about the act that establishes the element of torment?

Judge: What about the inference of teasing, annoying the animal, by placing something in the animal’s mouth and causing the animal to engage in the kinds of physical activity that normally result in the delivery of nourishment?

Defense: How do you know that’s teasing the animal? I’m just curious.

Prosecution: Well, dangling a hamburger on a string in front of a hungry man, I guess that’s the closest analogy I could draw. The hungry man just can’t quite get to it, and you dangle it again, and he’s frustrated.

Defense: I didn’t see any evidence that suckling, if it

The Toronto Chief of Police, Bill Blair, wants to go back on his word. When the G20 summit and its security forces gripped Toronto, 77 new CCTV cameras were added to a city that already had 18 cameras tracking bar-goers in the Entertainment District -- the area from the Gardiner to Queen, York to Spadina, where much of Toronto’s night life is concentrated. Chief Blair assured Torontonians that those cameras would be taken down after the summit. Now he is telling us that he wants to keep 52 of them operating in an area that will extend to Bathurst. This move by the Toronto Police will more than triple the number of cameras downtown. The bright side: unlike when the G20 cameras were installed, the police say that this time they will follow the privacy commissioner's guidelines. [Search: IPC Ontario CCTV] It is not surprising that the police would like to expand their surveillance

17

BY LUCAS WILSON (3L)

doesn’t get them something, torments them. I never assumed that if you have a mother that is not able to feed the animal, the mother is tormenting the calf.

Prosecution: The State provides the definition of torment, and one of the definitions of torment is to be a source of vexation, and then the fourth definition of vexation is being puzzled, baffled.

Defense: So you can conclude that these animals were puzzled or baffled?

Judge: Mr. Morgan?

Prosecution: I could go on and on about what vexation means, but it’s not necessary. What that grand jury heard was that with five calves—four on tape—Mr. Melia is seen with his penis in the calves’—little baby cows’!—mouths. Now, if that is not a source of vexation, and therefore tormenting, I don’t know what is, Judge.

Judge: What would the State contend was the nature of the vexation that the grand jury may infer was experienced by the calves? Is it, “I want nourishment, it’s not there, I do this to get nourishment, and therefore I’m puzzled or baffled”? Or is it that the calf finds it disgusting?

Prosecution: Judge, it’s a little difficult for the State to get into the mind-set of a calf. But if you watch the tape, what you’ll see is the calf repeatedly head-butting Mr. Melia in the stomach, because it thinks it’s about to get milk. Well, the calf doesn’t ever get milk. A reasonable juror could say that a man’s penis in the mouth of a calf is tormenting that calf. I mean, Judge, I think it’s fair to say that it’s an act against nature. *** Robert Melia was ultimately found not guilty of animal cruelty. On hearing of cases like this, my gut reaction is relief that the Canadian legislature and courts have not gone down the same road as New Jersey.

I struggle, however, to rationalize this intuition in an intellectually defensible way. I find sex with animals abhorrent. Yet I find many sexual acts repugnant – and I would not wish to criminalize them. Criminal law

Surveillance city

BY LEE WEBB (1L)

presence; it gives them a greater ability to track suspects and investigate crimes.

Unfortunately, research shows that these cameras do little to reduce crime. In any event, Torontonians deserve transparency in this process from proposal to deployment, including a solid justification for more cameras.

As citizens and aspiring lawyers, should we be concerned? What are the consequences for our civil liberties?

Dr. Kate Milberry is a postdoctoral fellow at U of T’s Faculty of Information, working on “The New Transparency,” a research project about cyber-surveillance. On September 13, during the UTSU orientation for activism, she gave a presentation on surveillance and the reduction of freedom that can result. She draws upon research that shows how political dissidents and social movements in North America have always been spied on and disrupted by the governments of the day. In

should be about more than what I, or some other members of the community, find gross. Homosexuality and masturbation have been condemned as “acts against nature.” To suggest that bestiality is “unnatural” and therefore wrong is simply not a very persuasive argument.

A stronger argument is that animals are incapable of informed consent. Yet what of a case where a dog humps a leg? If someone were to take prurient pleasure from this would they somehow be causing harm? Directly and indirectly we interfere in the sexual autonomy of animals all the time. There are whole sub-species of animals that can only reproduce with human assistance. When we breed animals we often facilitate what amounts to animal-on-animal rape. Sex with animals is gross – but it is not clear that it is necessarily a very significant issue for the animals themselves.

I think the strongest defense of our bestiality laws is pragmatic rather than principled. I do not think that bestiality inherently causes harm to human or animal.

Yet I am skeptical that practitioners of bestiality are capable of walking such a delicate line. Prosecutors should not be faced with the double burden of proving that animals have not only been molested but also harmed by the molestation. This may end up catching conduct that is merely gross – but it can be justified in helping to prevent real harm.

A majestic black stallion surveys the valley, happy and free

Canada, police have infiltrated anarchist groups and labour protests, and the persistent worry is that these undercover agents will provoke violence [Search: Montebello 2007 CBC], in addition to collecting information on activists and intimidating them through overt surveillance and pre-emptive arrests.

Since the U.S. Patriot Act became law, surveillance has mushroomed; in America the government authorized warrantless wiretapping of innocent citizens. In addition to the largely public information that is traded through Twitter (Toronto Police follow over 1000 people) and other social media, law enforcement have also, at times, collected SMS texts and email communication through eavesdropping methods at all levels of information technology infrastructure.

This information is used to identify dissidents and track their actions. "People need to be very clear that their online data and activities are not secure," said

Dr. Milberry. "When people use social media, participate in web forums or send email, the content of their information, as well as what it says about them--for example, that they belong to an activist group on Facebook--is potentially available for capture, subversion and use by anyone. It is really user beware when it comes to the Internet."

In addition to the collection of information, there is a social engineering component to police tactics. When a large protest occurs, police have an incentive to keep a protest small, and to legitimate whatever force they end up using. So “activists” turn into “anarchists,” and “protests” are described as “hooliganism.” The media is often complicit in this, accepting this terminology while featuring little if any discussion about why people protest in the first place. This helps prepare people for CONTINUED on page 20

OPINIONS & EDITORIALS

18

ULTRA VIRES

Point/counterpoint

Sparked by the braggart anecdotes of Yale Law Professor Amy Chua, a global debate has begun over whether, when it comes to parenting, the ends justify the means. Taking up the cause, we investigate…

“Are White Mothers Inferior?”

A little latitude does not a bad mother make

In awe of the tigress

It would not be unnatural to look at the front man of the Learned Band, dancing on the stage in tight pink pants and rapping about group sex in a Russian accent, and think to yourself, “Well that poor child just ain’t raised right.” Indeed, the spectacle is as morally-depraved as it is musically-deficient. And if Amy Chua were to witness it, she would undoubtedly grab little Mikey by the ear, drag his sorry ass off the stage, and spank the hell out of it.

But, does the fact that I would prefer to buy tickets to this second show than to the original concert necessarily mean that Amy Chua’s methods are superior to those of Linda Hamata? Is it not possible that the problem isn’t the vision, but the viewer? Perhaps the truth lies not in the object, but the lens through which it is observed.

This is to say, while Ms. Chua might justify her means based on the ends they achieve, perhaps there is reason to question the objective impressiveness of those very ends. The accomplishments of Amy Chua’s daughters are certainly formidable.

But are they necessarily more extraordinary than my own? One of Ms. Chua’s children played the piano at Carnegie Hall when she was very young. When the crowd cheered, Ms. Chua beamed. When I was young, on the other hand, I built a potato rocket that could smoke my brother in the head from fifty feet. It was a triumph of physics and chemistry. And when my unsuspecting brother’s Batman lunchbox went soaring into the air after we toppled him like a plump little bowling pin, my dear mother beamed.

So what does it take to become the parental dynamo that Ms. Chua proclaims herself to be? Does being a Chua-caliber drill sergeant take more than just wearing army boots every day like Ryan Liss’ mum?

Ms. Chua recalls a moment in her youth when her father called her “garbage” in their native Hokkien dialect. Similarly, I grew up consistently being called “hokkien” in our native garbage dialect. Same thing, different family. What of it? If Ms. Chua salutes Chinese parenting by virtue of her child being a hard-working genius with a mastery of classical music, does that make Emily Bala a Mandarin ginger? I choose to believe it does.

Or maybe Ms. Chua simply neglects to consider that the same rigid discipline that she commends is very much applied by white mothers too. Whereas Ms. Chua notes that it is the second consecutive hour of piano playing that makes the child who they are, my hippy white mom would resolutely agree: it was not until the second hour of dancing naked on a canvas of paint that I really blossomed into the “magical flower” that she calls me today. Children need boundaries and they need punishment. Growing up I was never allowed to smoke dope inside the house, and always had to do my homework first. And if my brother or I ever dared “curse”, my mother would promptly demonstrate to us the proper form and delivery of our words, for a superior mother takes great care in her children’s education. So Ms. Chua may go ahead and look down at my mom for letting us pee out the window, but I guess in the circumstances, it’s better she look down than look up.

Look, I like delicious mandarin ginger as much as the next cat, but clearly Brendan could have used a little more discipline in his life, and would have benefited from a tiger mother. The guy wore a belt buckle to OCIs. That’s about as mature as Peewee Herman in a truck stop bathroom. And speaking of mature, I don’t need to shock the reader’s feeble mind with the grotesque details of Brendan's internet porn tastes—a horror show that could have certainly be prevented by the more active sexual repression of a tiger mom. No one has time to realize such a deep seated perversion if you spend 12 hours a day learning about how Mozart checkmated Henry VII in outer space or something smart like that.

Frankly, I think letting a live tiger anywhere near a baby is kind of a silly idea. But if it takes 800 pounds of mother nature’s striped killing machine to scare that baby away from gateway drugs and online poker, then let’s get this tiger party started. However, we need to realize that the tiger image may have been born out of necessity. I submit that most other awesome animals already have strong image associations. Like for example, how owls are associated with wisdom, cows are associated with feats of strength, and Dalmatians are associated with embarrassing yourself at Law Games.

I’m going to let you in on a little secret. Look, I didn’t become the best looking, smartest, funniest, and best looking student at this school by accident. I myself am the product of a Tiger mother. Seriously, I was raised behind a circus tent by a live tiger named Jim. And increasingly, the world will be filled with ultra handsome geniuses like myself. In order to compete, future mothers will have to conform to the high standard of parenting set by packs of tigers; otherwise their children will be doomed to a life of middling mediocrity and poor tall grass camouflage skills.

Noah Craven’s JDate profile didn’t become the top rated on the entire website (which I assume to be a dating website for people with a JCrew fashion fetish) because his mom turned off the targeting computer and used the force; he’s number one because his mom, like Jim, demanded nothing but the best from him at all times, and followed a specific Greatness-Plan™. Although it is probably also because his first listed music choice is easy listening, and he has a lot of cool pictures of himself with trumpets.

BY BRENDAN MORRISON (3L)

BY MIKE HAMATA (3L)

JANUARY 26, 2011

It’s time for Examsoft to go.

The program, which the faculty uses to prevent cheating during exams, is doing far more harm than good.

The reasons are many.

Examsoft, despite extracting $50 per year - something like $30,000 for the entire faculty - for the right to use their product, works like a slapdash assignment a computer science student put together at the last second. For a product specifically designed and marketed towards law schools and bar exams this is unacceptable.

Each exam this December there were at least two or three students, and often more, for whom Examsoft either refused to work or, worse, froze halfway through. They had to write by hand. Outside of that, many more students had the software inexplicably hang for several minutes before deigning to work properly.

Examsoft cannot simply blame the hardware their software was running on, either. Not only did it freeze even on clean installs of Windows or Mac OS X, but on school-provided library computers. I wrote in the library, and it froze once and hung in two other exams.

That’s a 60 per cent fail rate.

I also learned the unfortunate fact that current faculty policy is to do little more than gave victims an exam booklet and tell them to get writing. With no extra time. And you have to have your own pen.

Maybe a better man than I can seamlessly transition through furiously typing, to sudden computer failure,

OPINIONS & EDITORIALS

ExamSoft rant

BY TODD BRAYER (1L)

to frantic waving at the invigilator, to getting right back on track furiously writing — but not too fast, since it has to be legible. For me, at least, it was incredibly jarring. The train of thought was not just derailed but somebody had blown up the tracks. Yet somehow the train had to make it to the station on time on pain of death.

Needless to say, I didn’t get an A on that exam.

ExamSoft: apparently difficult, insecure, and unreliable

Aside from catastrophic bugs, the Examsoft is also incredibly slow — It takes something like ten minutes to go from first turning on the program to actually typing because it forces a restart on PCs. “The default font is microscopic and the set-up was confusing,” said Liam Oster, 1L. “The instructions didn’t even vaguely apply to the 40 per cent of our class using Mac laptops.”

Worse is that even though Examsoft is now into its 10.0 release — it’s had nine major revisions since it first came out — and they clearly know there are issues with the software, they do nothing about it. Instead they try and cover their butts by forcing users to agree that they aren’t responsible for lower grades as a result of soft-

19

ware failure.

Among other law schools the problem is well known.

A cursory search over the web produces page after page of horror stories and anger. There are Facebook groups of both U of T and Osgoode students organized in protest against it.

The entire debacle makes me wonder just why we need Examsoft at all. Microsoft Word or even Notepad are both perfectly serviceable word processors and considering most exams are openbook anyway, there doesn’t seem to be any need for software designed to prevent students from accessing the Internet.

The other major reason Examsoft must go is that its use is disrespectful. Why assume all students would cheat if they even given the chance? In doing so, why force us to pay $50 a year for software that doesn’t work and play Russian Roulette with our grades, all the while telling us it is our “privilege” to do so?

After protests from the student body, the University of Virginia Law School took action by having students sign a code of honor and let them write on whatever word processor they wanted to. Since then, cheating has, if anything, gone down rather than up, and there are no more issues of freezing or locking computers.

Berkeley and Georgetown have also opted out of using Examsoft.

I sincerely hope the Faculty here would consider taking their lead.

20

OPINIONS & EDITORIALS

Surveillance - from page 17 heightened surveillance and heavy-

handed tactics. At the G20, surveillance involved the 77 cameras installed against the privacy commissioner’s guidelines, and the use of the Canadian Bankers Association facial recognition software (thanks to ATM surveillance). It also prepared people to accept the forceful takeover of our downtown core, the deployment of a sound-cannon, kettling, and arbitrary detentions.

So, should we be concerned? Aside from the intrinsic unpleasantness of the state collecting information on non-criminals, privacy, like free expression, underpins our basic freedoms. Massive security also has massive costs. Also, as lawyers we have been told that our client's trust is sacrosanct, and these cameras create the potential for significant breaches of that trust.

Dr. Milberry advocates practicing strong security online and being informed of our rights under MFIPPA, FIPPA and PIPEDA. "Locking down your Facebook and other social networks, using pgp encryption for email and being cautious when sending any information over the internet are all significant steps toward surveillance self-defence," she says. Political involvement is also important: "join the Toronto public space committee, write to your city councillor, [and] register your concern or complaint with Toronto police." Otherwise, welcome to Surveillance City.

Sources: http://prezi.com/ux4jnup45yvf/i-know-what-you-did-last-summerdisciplining-dissent-through-mega-event-surveillance/ http://www.canada.com/topics/news/national/story.html?id=66de9807d2f0-444e-903e-1c0ba64556de&k=39211 http://www.flickr.com/groups/1460975@N23/pool/ http://news.nationalpost.com/2010/11/15/police-seek-to-boostnumber-of-downtown-cctv-cameras/ h t t p : / / w w w. vo t e t o r o n t o 2 0 1 0 . c o m / b o a r d / b i g - i d e a - s m i l e you%E2%80%99re-on-cctv-camera/ http://www.insidetoronto.com/news/local/article/827784--g20-adds-77more-cameras-to-downtown-core

Negative ads - from page 15

five-point deficit turned into a seven-point plurality by the 28th. Canadians chose their Canada – it was Martin’s.

Was the ad unfair? Conservatives certainly thought so. Victory had been so close – they could almost taste it – and those dastardly Liberals had hit below the belt and stolen it!

But the judges who mattered – Canadian voters who had been thinking about going blue – did not agree. Their judgment trumped.

Harper’s reaction was different from his supporters’. He looked at what had worried those voters. “American-style tax cuts” were bad? He jettisoned his 25% federal income tax cut for a 28% GST cut (2% off 7%). The Tories were distrusted on abortion? Harper pushed through a resolution, getting 55% of Conservative delegates to vote for “no change in Canadian abortion laws” in March 2005.

Canadians did not like the Iraq War? Harper shut up about it, and has been cagey on Canadian troop deployments ever since.

With those changes made, Harper was on much firmer ground in 2006. So when the Liberals came at him with another round of attack ads – casting doubt on his patriotism, pushing his most incendiary quotes from the 1990s, or insinuating that there was even a threat he would declare martial law, they were laughed at.

Contrast ads only move polls when they play on legitimate concerns among the general electorate. Harper’s policy platform

ULTRA VIRES

changes – ratified by his party at a delegated convention – were his protection against that second negative campaign. *** The effect of the Liberal ad campaign of 2004 was this: once Stephen Harper became Prime Minister – something which was probably going to happen in any event – his policy arsenal was significantly to the left of where he originally was.

There are those who do not like this. This writer, truth be told, is one of them – I think that Canada would have been much better served by the Conservative Party platform of 2004 than it has been by the Tory government of 2006—2011.

That was not the judgment of my fellow countrymen. Voters thought about it, and decided that the platform wasn’t quite for them and Harper wasn’t quite ready to be PM. Martin’s “Choose your Canada” ad was a prime mover in forming that judgment. It humbled Harper, made him rethink how he would govern Canada, and forced him to move and meet them in the middle – a decision ratified by the electorate in 2006 and 2008.

Do you see the newly pragmatic Prime Minister Stephen Harper who manages, just barely, to maintain his hold on the middle of the Canadian electorate? He’s a product of Paul Martin’s negative advertising campaigns.

And that’s why negative political advertising is good for you, and good for Canadian democracy.

The faces of success, more lawstudents.ca, 1L poetry and more...

D I V ER S I ON S

UV staff roundtable: faces of success

The Toronto Star recently asked U of T Psychology professor Nicholas Rule to assess the futures of five promising young men at the Faculty of Law. This prompted UV to call an emergency staff meeting to provide their own assessments of these men. Here’s what they had to say. Remember to flip to page 22 to see Matt Brown’s assessment of Nicholas Rule!

Name

Karim Amlani (3L)

Albert Lin (1L)

Ryan MacIsaac (2L)

Face

What Nicholas Rule sez Nick’s Rating

What UV sez

UV’s rating

“He has a very mature face. A heavy jaw and “He stood out to me. He looks very well situated to be a dimple in his chin, with prominent cheekvery powerful. He has very good qualities in terms of looking bones. That’s a very strong sign. He has a very dominant and mature.” dominant face and would likely be successful.”

2 thumbs up

Matt Brown: "Dreamboat!" Brendan Morrison: "Uh, actually he looks like the kind of slimeball who would run for student government. You can't trust that type of deranged mind." Aaron Christoff: "Exactly. Never trust a man whose eyebrows (almost) meet." Amanda Melvin: "Nah, he'll make the big bucks--but it will be dancing to the full monty." Caroline Samara: "Preeeety sure I wouldn't put any money in his g-string: I don't know if I trust the pearly white smirk..."

Abrar Huq: "Main redeeming quality: He's not Isaac Tang."

2 thumbs down

Name

2 thumbs up

AH: "Honestly, there's nothing more pathetic than a 1L who takes a webcam self-portrait in what is clearly a study carrel at Bora.

Buddy, your dominant face won't help you in April." Josh Chan: "He looks like a washed up Taiwanese Popstar." MB: "Hi buddy. What up? Um, hey, uh, FUCK YOUR JAWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!"

1 thumb down

Daniel Bertrand (2L)

“It’s difficult to tell because he looks a little bit like a mountain man. But he has a direct gaze which is a clear sign of dominance.

He has small eyes, a short distance between his eyes and brows and thin lips which all denote maturity. That’s a good combination for success.”

1 thumb up

BMO: "He has killed before and he likely will again" CS: "Agreed, though he looks like the type to kill a bear. Or is he the bear?"

AM: "Honestly guys, with a haircut this guy could become the next pres of the SLS. For serious."

2 Thumbs up

Matt Brown (1L)

Face

What Nicholas Rule sez Nick’s Rating What UV sez UV’s rating

“Like Daniel, he just looks much more babyfaced. He has flat cheek“His chin is prominent and his features are well-defined. But he has much bones, a larger distance between his eyes and brows, a fuller lower lip and more of a babyish face, which is not as much an indicator of success.” he’s smiling.”

1 thumb down

2 thumbs down

2 thumbs up

11 thumbs up

BMO: "He better not grow those bangs any longer, or he might never get laid." AC: "He has sort of a Bieberesque quality to him, but with a AC: “His face looks just like a baby's bottom: soft and rosy-cheeked.” JC: lesser degree of dominance and maturity." AM: "Not so Bieber-esque any"Just like the baby in the pampers commercial!" AM: "He has a face that more. He's behind the new, ‘shaggy’ look from the Golden Globes. Still, puts clients at ease. I can see him pulling a Madoff--in a good way!" there's no way he's getting a job." CS: “What about the fangs and dimples?

I see vampire here. So hot right now."

22

Matt Brown strikes back

DIVERSIONS

After U of T Psychology professor Nicholas Rule’s scathing review of Matt Brown’s facial features in the Toronto Star, Matt responds...

You wish you had my “fuller lower lip,” you thin-lipped bitch! Sure, I have a “larger distance between my eyes and brows,” but I was student government treasurer in grade 8--you don’t win that kind of bruising election with messed up eyes, I’ll tell you that.

And you know what? I may not have Versailles or some shit in the background of my pic (that you creeped off my Facebook.

Weird, right?) But I have something else in my background: integrity and a participation trophy from a grade 12 rowing regatta.

Further, you told me to stop smiling. I took that to heart! I stopped smiling mid Professor Nicholas Rule holds little regard December and it ruined Christmas. Wipe for Matt Brown’s future that grin off your face.

So, even if I’m going to be a failure as a lawyer (and my B in contracts tells a different story, bro!) maybe I can find a job at some bullshit university trying to predict students’ future success by their cheekbones. Oh man, that would be grim.

A (non-autobiographical) 1L love sonnet

BY LEO ELIAS (1L)

Across the lecture hall I catch your glance That moves from Schedule B to Schedule A. My joy bursts forth like a Jim Phillips dance I'll be your Frey and you'll be my Paré.

Yet know my eggshell heart cannot sustain A Leonati blow. Ask not for leave to my Fee Simple love you won't obtain but easements to my loins you may receive.

Should these, my Pith and Substance goals, not match Your heart's desire and its judiciary, Affection of some other could attach as a third party beneficiary. ;) This settlement we'll make and pay its prices For love, not lust, does have stare decisis.

ULTRA VIRES

T’was the night before christmas

BY PAUL MITASSOV (1L)

T’was the night before Christmas, and through the courthouse Not a creature was arguing, not even a mouse; The factums were placed by the benches with care, In hopes that Saint Denning soon would be there; The lawyers were nestled in their penthouse beds, While visions of class actions danced in their heads.

My client in his coveralls and I in my wig, Were discussing his company’s upcoming dig, When out in the gardens there arose such a noise, I went to confirm it was not borstal boys.

Away to the window I walked with due care, My drawing of curtains was reasonable and fair.

The lamplight reflected by oil spills below, Gave surrounding gravel pits a luminescent glow, When what to my text-fatigued eyes should appear, But a trademarked air sleigh and eight certified reindeer; With a crafty conductor, so wily and cunning, I reasoned at once that he must be Saint Denning.

More rapid than motions his hoofed clerks arrived, He called them by name as they broke from their stride: “In Candler, in Anglia, in Parsons and in Jarvis, The loss was foreseeable and should’ve been in Vorvis,

By Miller, by Beswick by Lloyds and by Torquay, I’m here to do justice, no matter what the laws say!”

A few moments later, I heard from the chambers An opening window and the sound of a clamber, Before I could turn from the lamps’ ancient lights, He strode in with a force that would make benches rise.

He was dressed all in black from his head to his boot, As if tortuously dunked in industrial soot; No Toys did he bring in to court on his back, He needed no notes, so he carried no pack.

His eyes were like foxes, both sensitive and wary; His cheeks like rare baseballs, his nose like picked cherries, His droll little mouth could pass off for a bow, The wig on his head, for a blanket of snow; A worn wooden gavel he held in his hand, One strike for the start, and one strike for the end.

A wag of his finger and a shake of his head, Let wrongdoers know that they had much to dread.

He thought not an instant but went straight to his words, And delivered the best resolution I’ve heard; Then he cocked his grey head and delivered a dictum, That for equal fault one needs equal delictum.

He returned to his clerks and he bade them to fly, Their careers ascended in the blink of an eye; But I heard him deliver this one final warning: "Merry Christmas to all, and good luck with your learning!"

JANUARY 26, 2011

DIVERSIONS

This month on lawstudents.ca

23

I read it so that you don’t have to (though you will anyway. Obvi.)

BY MATT BROWN (1L)

When I want to find insightful commentary on pressing legal issues, I turn to lawstudents.ca. December was particularly edifying: the forum lit up with lively debate on that crucial issue in modern legal education--the quality of U of T’s Hallowe’en party.

If you’re like me, after reading this you probably called your Mom and told her for the thousandth time to stop ridiculing you publicly on the internet. (The “I seen” was a dead giveaway.) But if your mom is anything like mine, she probably denied everything and threatened to call the cops if you kept violating your bail conditions.

(Bless her heart!)

And Ugly? Where do these assholes get off ?

I would have thought that the evidence in a certain locker room--blue handprints and vomit--told a different story of how that night went down. But what the fuck do I know? Jack Bauer went to UCLA where he got slizzard on Patrón mixed with the blood of terrorists (aka the “ticking time bomb”).

It’s not just Jack though--almost everyone thinks we’re lame.

Thankfully Jiffin voted a bunch (from home AND work) or else we would have been shut out completely. Wait ‘til Maclean’s hears. Our prestige! Our precious, precious prestige!

Right now maybe you’re thinking “Whatever, I don’t need to have fun. I can stand in the mirror admiring my calves and facial structure.” If this is you, it probably means you probably don’t read the forum much: LS will not rest until it has obliterated your self-worth and left your keyboard covered in desperate tears.

Uh. Never mind.

UV cooks: baby back ribs

BY JEREMY ABLAZA (2L)

I often hear people complaining about how winter makes it impossible for them to cook some of their favorite foods just because they can't be on the grill. I personally don't mind going out into the cold to grill for short periods of time, even in the winter, but if you're talking about something like ribs, then there's no way you're going to get it done fast enough to avoid freezing to death. Fortunately, baby-back ribs are totally doable in the oven. In fact, in my opinion, they're even better than something you can do on a standard consumer grill (I know - blasphemy!). Check out the recipe below - this is totally easy. It cooks in two stages so you can actually cook it halfway through and then store it all in the fridge until you're ready to serve it.

Ingredients: • Baby-back ribs - a half-rack per person is good for reasonable eaters. A whole rack for those with a big appetite, or two whole racks if you're Dan Peterson.

• Kosher salt • Cracked black pepper • Chili powder • Whole cumin seeds • Barbecue sauce (I highly recommend "Bone-Suckin' Sauce" - and yes, I'm aware of how bad that sounds, but it's amazing) • A whole lot of aluminum foil

Recipe: • Rinse the ribs in cold water and then pat them dry • Season each rack very liberally on both sides with kosher salt, chili powder, and cracked black pepper. Add some cumin if you want to boost up that smoky factor. Also, feel free to change up the type of chili powder you use if you want to adjust the overall heat of the dish.

• Wrap each rack very tightly in foil and then place it in a 375 degree oven for

about an hour, maybe a little longer.

• Unwrap the racks and cover the top side of the racks in sauce. Don't overdo it with the sauce, because if you get it too thick, you'll get a sludgy layer on top instead of a caramelized glaze.

• Place the unwrapped/uncovered racks back in the oven at 375 for another 30 minutes (if you have just taken them out of the fridge, you might want to increase this to 45 minutes) or until the sauce is just starting to darken.

• Enjoy!

Briefly Noted

Dalmatian craze takes off on the runways of Milan. Mugatu notes “Dalmatians are so hot right now”

Karim wakes up in a dumpster with two hookers and a kilo of cocaine It turns out all of Alarie’s shirts just have dark underarm patterns Macklem falls asleep during own lecture

UV still owed $600 from Chris Lewarne for ad space in Jan. issue Law Games flu pandemic subsides: 6 dead, 3 still critical

24

DIVERSIONS

ULTRA VIRES