Myriad Magazine – Vol. 6 2022

A C K N O W L E D G E M E N T

O F C O U N T R Y

Myriad Magazine acknowledges the Traditional

Owners of the land of the which this magazine was created on. We pay our respect to Elders past and present and extend that respect to any Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander People reading and contributing to this magazine. We are grateful for the land, waters and space we are working, creating and loving on. We acknowledge that this magazine was created and published on stolen lands. Sovereignty was never ceded; this land was and will always be the land of Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander People.

OFFICER NOTE

HIBA ADAM 2022 MYRIAD

Dear reader,

My name is Hiba and I have been your People of Colour Officer for 2022. The POC department is very close to my heart. It was the first space that gave me the grace to come as I am and accept me, and for that I am endlessly grateful. The Bla(c)k Collective was the first ever event where I was surrounded by other Bla(c)k folks that looked like me, spoke like me and made me feel at ease. I’ve t ried to ensure that students feel that same sense of easefulness and belonging when they encounter the department this year.

Leading the POC department post lockdowns has not been an easy journey, but I am glad that as I look back on it, it is a journey I am proud of. From our very famous games night during Summerfest, amazing and flavourful collectives, Ramadan Iftars, Afro Ball and most recently Dilwal i celebration, the department has been booked and busy.

I hope that the celebrations we held, connections we made and spaces we created continue beyond just my term. I want to give a special thanks to Mohamed Hadi, my mentor and friend. Thank you for endlessly supporting me throughout the past two years. Our shared dream of having an UMSU that caters for all is one that is underway.

50%

“What are you?”, you ask.

But I don’t know what you want me to say. A human being? No, that’s probably too broad. A student? Well, that’s obvious because you’ve been my English teacher for this whole year. How about a confused 15 year-old girl, wondering why you’ve disrupted your lesson on Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet just to ask me some obscure question in front of my similarly baffled peers.

Of course, I don’t say any of that, because this is a conversation I’ve had countless times before. I know exactly what people like you want to hear.

You are confused because when you look at me, you can not slot me neatly into one of the little boxes at the back of your brain – each one practically overflowing with a colourful array of preconceived notions that you have meticulously collected over the years like stamps.

You may tell yourself that you don’t think like that, but you do.

You look at me like a puzzle piece thrust into the wrong place by a frustrated child. With cheap cardboard that’s frayed at the edges from being jammed into unnatural spaces. Your eyes dissect like scalpels as you try to rearrange me piece by piece into something coherent in your mind. I try to laugh off some of the nervous tension in the room as my classmates watch on anxiously. I tell you that I am mixed. Biracial. But that doesn’t satisfy you. People like you are never satisfied.

You don’t respond immediately. Instead, your head cocks up and you narrow your eyes at me slightly, mumbling something vaguely unintelligible about forgetting your glasses this morning. Really, you’re just trying to play ‘connect-the-dots’ with my facial features. I stare back at you and think about how you’re too young to be having this revelation now.

After all, interracial marriage has been legal in Australia for almost fifty years now. But then again, maybe you’re not. As you squint, the wrinkles around your blue eyes draw together like the large velvet curtains they use at theatres. Your once ‘goldilock’s blonde’ hair is now more of a dishwater brown. The remnants of your youth scatter in front of you like the broken shards of a once beautiful, now worn vase.

It’s funny how your archaic ideas become a part of you. Anyway, you start again.

“Really? But what actual percentage are you? You just don’t look….asian”, you insist.

Honestly, you’re much more persistent than most, I’ll give you that. In fact, you even list off the parts of me which don’t make sense to you.

Hair too light…eyes too big…skin too fair

But I explain to you that as extraordinarily complex and intricate as it may sound, I am indeed half-half. Fifty-fifty.

You keep going.

You ask what it is like to be ‘50%’, as if I’m just some measly half of a whole.

‘Exactly how you’d imagine ma’am! Half of my house is one big bamboo plantation with free-range pandas that wear pointy straw hats and eat bowls of rice while the other half is true-blue Aussie territory where we sing the national anthem every morning and have the footy on the telly 24/7!’

I tell you that it’s fine, I guess.

You’re probably disappointed because you were expecting some heart-warming, sob-inducing, painfully didactic story about my cultural struggle and disconnection to my distant ethnic roots. You know, the kind of narrative that Netflix shoves down the throats of film critics each year. But honestly, I don’t really have that kind of story. Sure, I flunked out of Chinese school when I was eight and I certainly haven’t owned a Cheong sam since I was twelve. I’ve spent my whole life in the eastern suburbs of Melbourne and speak with a twangy Australian accent that would put my ancestors to shame.

But I still receive ang pow during Lunar New Year and I still wish my relatives gong xi fa cai over the phone, albeit with a poor, probably unintelligible accent. I can still tell you which Chinese Zodiac animal you are and I still eat cultural dishes so that I can roll my eyes at people who order sweet & sour pork or shanghai beef (even if I will snag a few pieces for myself). Isn’t that enough?

You ask if I’ve experienced any racism in my time living in Australia and I say no, not really, but my mum has.

You shake your head in a heroic gesture of self-righteousness, your face screwing up into a pained expression as if you personally had been wronged, before swiftly announcing that you too were once the victim of a vile act of racism, when you were visiting Italy. Apparently you complained to the manager of a cafe and the workers made some off-hand remark about you in Italian. They assumed that you wouldn’t be able to understand them simply because they saw your overflowing backpack and ‘I love Italy’ t-shirt.

And of course, this gut-wrenching anecdote of pure malice and discrimination floods all 50% of me with waterfalls of unrelenting sympathy, pity and compassion.

I offer you my condolences because I have never heard such a crime as heinous as this. Listen, I truly do think it was horrible that they badmouthed you in Italian. When I do it, I’ll make sure it’s in English so you can understand me.

Eventually, the lunch bell sounds like a chorus and you put the subject to rest, satisfied that you have successfully eliminated racism by derailing our English class for a whole 20 minutes. As we pour out of the room, you pull me aside and thank me for educating my peers with such a touching story of cultural pride.

Half of me smiles back at you, tells you it’s fine, even thanks you for asking in the first place. The other half of me memorises everything I wish I could have said, so that nearly four years later I can pour it all out onto a page.

By Elizabeth Browne.

BEYOND THE LOOKING GLASS

A n o t h e r n a m e f o r “ m i r r o r ” i s a “ l o o k i n g g l a s s ” a n d l i k e A l i c e , I ’ v e b e e n t r a n s p o r t e d t o a w o r l d w h i c h i s n o t m y o w n .

T h e t r a n s f o r m a t i v e m o m e n t o c c u r r e d o n a n u n e v e n t f u l , u n a s s u m i n g , a n d m u n d a n e M o n d a y a f t e r n o o n . A s I m a d e m y w a y t h r o u g h t h e l a b y r i n t h l i k e r o o m s o f t h e N a t i o n a l G a l l e r y o f V i c t o r i a , I f o u n d m y s e l f t r a n s f i x e d , u n a b l e t o m o v e a s I g a z e d a t a m i r r o r i n t h e c o r n e r o f t h e r o om . T h e m i r r o r i t s e l f l o o m e d h i g h a b o v e m y h e a d w i t h f o r e b o d i n g a u t h o r i t y . T h e t a b l e b e n e a t h t h e m i r r o r c o n s i s t s o f a r i c h b r o w n w o o d e n t o p a n d a s t o n e c o u n t e r , p o l i s h e d a n d p r e c i s e . A b o v e i t e x i s t s a m u l t i t u d e o f m i r r o r s . A l a r g e p a n e l i s s i t u a t e d i n t h e m i d d l e o f t h e m i r r o r c l u s t e r , w i t h s m a l l e r p a n e l s o f v a r i o u s s h a p e s a n d s i z e s f l a n k i n g i t s s i d e s , e a c h o f w h i c h a r e b o n d e d w i t h g l i m m e r i n g g o l d t r i m s –in t r i c a t e a n d b e a u t i f u l . I t s m u l t i t u d e o f m i r r o r s b e a r t e s t i m o n y t o i t s a g e , w i t h f l e c k s o f t a r n i s h m a r r i n g t h e i r m e t a l l i c f i l m . I t s g r a n d e u r w a s s o i n t i m i d a t i n g t h a t i t f e l t s i n f u l t o t a k e i t s p i c t u r e . I ’ v e b e e n a w e s t r u c k b y p a i n t i n g s , m u s i c , a n d m o n u m e n t s c o u n t l e s s t i m e s , b u t t h i s w a s t h e f i r s t t i m e I f e l t m o v e d b y a m i r r o r . A s I s t a r e d a t m y r e f l e c t i o n i n t h e s m a l l l o w e r l e f t m i r r o r p a n e l , I f e l t o v e rc o m e w i t h a f e e l i n g o f r e v e r e n c e s o m o v i n g t h a t m y e y e s b e g a n t o w e l l w i t h t e a r s . M i r r o r s a n d I h a v e h a d a t u r b u l e n t r e l a t i o n s h i p . S o m e d a y s t h e w o m a n I s e e r e f l e c t e d b a c k a t m e i s a f r i e n d , w a r m a n d w e l c o m i n g ; b u t o t h e r d a y s s h e i s a f o e , u n w o r t h y a n d u n f o r g i v i n g . T h a t d a y i n t h e N a t i o n a l G a l l e r y , I w a s n o t m e t b y e i t h e r . I w a s n o t j u s t l o o k i n g a t m y r e f l e c t i o n b u t r a t h e r w h a t l a y b e y o n d i t . B e y o n d t h a t p a n e o f g l a s s s u b s i s t s a m y r i a d o f f a c e s , p l a c e s , a n d c o n v e r s a t i o n s s e a l e d f o r e t e r n i t y . I b e g a n t o t h i n k , “ H o w m a n y l i v e s h a v e p a s s e d b y t h i s m i r r o r , l o o k e d i n t o i t , a n d u n l e a s h e d t h e i r e m o t i o n s , o n l y f o r t h e m i r r o r t o s e e ? ” H o w m a n y s t o r i e s , u n s p o k e n s e c r e t s , a n d p a s s i n g g l a n c e s a r e c o n t a i n e d w i t h i n t h i s m i r r o r , j u s t b e y o n d o u r r e a c h ?

T h e m i r r o r i s n o t n a t i v e t o A u s t r a l i a .

c o r r e c t l y , i t s j o u r n e y b e g a n i n E n g l a n d i

c e n t u r y . I d o n ’ t k n o w m u c h a b o u t i t s s t o r

r e a l i t y i s t h e m i r r o r h a s s u r v i v e d t o t h e

m e a n i n g i t h a s b o r n e w i t n e s s t o t h e e v e n t s a

t h a t g r a c e o u r h i s t o r y t e x t b o o k s a s w e l l a s t h

t i n t i m e , w i t h n o o n e t o m o u r n t h e m o r s p e a

n a m e a g a i n . T h e V i c t o r i a n s b e l i e v e d t h a t

w e r e p o r t a l s , w i t h t h e a b i l i t y t o c a p t u r e s o u l s ( D i c k e y , 2 0 1 5 ) . B e l i e v i n g t h a t i n t h e m o m e n t

a p e r s o n ' s d e a t h , t h e i r w a n d e r i n g s o u l c o u l d f i n

i t s w a y t r a p p e d , b e y o n d t h e m i r r o r ’ s v e i l , i f t h e m i r r o r w a s l e f t u n c o v e r e d ( D i c k e y , 2 0 1 5 ) . M y t h o u g h t s d i d n o t s t r a y t o w a r d t h e m a c a b r e , b u t k n o w i n g t h i s h i s t o r i c a l b e l i e f a d d e d t o t h e i d e a t h a t m i r r o r s a r e n o t a s t h e y s e e m .

T h e m i r r o r i s a s i l e n t w a t c h e r . I t d o e s n o t d i s c r i m i n a t e . I t h a s o n e j o b a n d i t d o e s i t w e l l . I t i s a r e f l e c t i o n o f w h a t w a s o n c e t h e r e a n d n o w g o n e , c a p t u r i n g a f l e e t i n g m o m e n t . U n l i k e a c a m e r a , t h e s e m o m e n t s w i l l n e v e r b e d e v e l o p e d , e d i t e d , o r p u b l i s h e d . T h e m i r r o r d o e s n o t c a p t u r e m o m e n t s i n t i m e ; i t s d o c u m e n t a t i o n i s c o n t i n u o u s a n d u n w a v e r i n g . U n t i l i t i s d e s t r o y e d o r w h e n s t a r s f a l l f r o m t h e s k y i t w i l l c o n t i n u e t o r e c o r d t h e l o v e r s , d r e a m e r s , a n d w a y w a r d s o u l s w h o p a s s i t b y .

M y i m a g e i s b u t a s p e c k i n i t s l o n g a n d c o m p l e x a r c h i v e o f f a c e s i t h a s s e e n - q u i c k l y o v e r s h a d o w e d b y t h o s e w h o w i l l c o m e a f t e r m e . Y e t , I c a n n o t h e l p b u t f e e l h o n o u r e d b y t h e i d e a o f a p i e c e o f m e j o i n i n g t h e l e g i o n o f o t h e r s , p a s t , p r e s e n t a n d f u t u r e , t o r e a l m s b e y o n d t h e m i r r o r ’ s v e i l , a n u n s e e n h i s t o r y s p a n n i n g g e n e r a t i o n s , r e s t i n g u n d i s t u r b e d u n t i l t h e e n d .

R e f e r e n c e s :

D i c k e y , C 2 0 1 5 , B e h i n d t h e d r a p e d m i r r o r , v i e w e d 2 5 t h O c t o b e r 2 0 2 2 , < h t t p s : / / h a z l i t t . n e t / f e a t u r e / b e h i n d d r a p e d m i r r o r > .

I f I r e c a l l

n t h e 1 8 t h

y , b u t t h e

p r e s e n t d a y ,

n d p e o p l e

o s e l o s

k t h e i r

m i r r o r s

o f

d

BULAN

V E L L A A M A N D A

B u l a n s i g h e d , a s s h e w a t c h e d h e r f a t h e r m i n d l e s s l y p u t t h i n g s a w a y i n a c u p b o a r d i n t h e l i v i n g r o o m , y e t a g a i n , w i t h h i s b a c k t u r n e d t o h e r . S h e w a s f a r t o o t i r e d t o t e l l h i m t o s t o p , o r t o e v e n b o t h e r t a l k i n g t o h i m a t a l l . S h e h a d j u s t r e t u r n e d f r o m w o r k , h e r c l o t h e s s w e a t y a n d d i r t y f r o m r u n n i n g t h e b a r . H e r b o d y a c h e d a l l o v e r , b a r e l y m a k i n g i t i n t o t h e k i t c h e n . B u l a n p u l l e d o u t a c a n o f s o d a f r o m t h e f r i d g e a n d i t c l i c k e d o p e n s a t i s f y i n g l y , l i k e m u s i c t o h e r e a r s . F r o m t h e c o r n e r o f h e r e y e s , s h e s a w h e r f a t h e r t u r n h i s h e a d t o l o o k a t h e r f r o m a c r o s s t h e r o o m . H e d i d n o t s a y a n y t h i n g f o r a s e c o n d , t h e n f l a s h e d a s m i l e .

“ Y o u ’ r e b a c k h o m e ! B u l a n , h o w w a s w o r k ? A r e y o u t i r e d ? ”

B u l a n s i g h e d a n d d o w n e d t h e r e m a i n i n g c o n t e n t s o f h e r s o d a . M a k i n g h e r w a y o u t o f t h e k i t c h e n , s h e t h r e w t h e c a n i n t o t h e h a l f f u l l b i n . S h e w a s s u d d e n l y a n n o y e d t h a t h e r f a t h e r c o u l d n ’ t e v e n h e l p h e r t a k e o u t t h e t r a s h .

“ B u l a n ? D e a r ? A r e y o u h u n g r y ? D o y o u w a n t t o e a t ? I t h i n k t h e r e ’ s f o o d , y o u c a n h e a t u p t h e l e f t o v e r f r o m l a s t n i g h t . ” H e r f a t h e r ’ s v o i c e r a n g i n h e r e a r s , h i s v o i c e g r o w i n g l o u d e r w h i l e s h e l e f t t h e r o o m . S h u t u p . S h e s a i d i n h e r h e a d a s s h e m a d e h e r w a y t o h e r b e d r o o m . S h e t o o k o u t f r e s h c l o t h e s f r o m h e r c l o s e t a n d g r a b b e d a c o m b t o b r u s h h e r h a i r o u t . A g a i n , s h e s a w h e r f a t h e r ’ s h e a d p o k e o u t f r o m t h e d o o r f r a m e . “ A r e y o u g o i n g t o s h o w e r f i r s t i n s t e a d ? T h a t ’ s g o o d , u s e h o t w a t e r ! I t r e l i e v e s t h e m u s c l e s ! ” H e s a i d , s m i l i n g e n d e a r i n g l y a t B u l a n . A n n o y e d , B u l a n c l i c k e d h e r t o n g u e l o u d e n o u g h t o m a k e h e r f a t h e r j u m p . S h e b a n g e d h e r h a i r b r u s h d o w n o n t o h e r v a n i t y , a n d s t o o d u p q u i c k l y . S h e w a l k e d p a s t h e r f a t h e r t o g o t o t h e b a t h r o o m .

S h e s l a m m e d t h e b a t h r o o m d o o r c l o s e b e h i n d h e r a n d s i g h e d h e a v i l y . F i n a l l y , a l o n e . S h e t h o u g h t t o h e r s e l f , f e e l i n g r e l i e f .

J u s t t h e n , h e r f a t h e r g e n t l y k n o c k e d o n t h e d o o r b e h i n d h e r . “ B u l a n , I ’ l l g e t d i n n e r r e a d y o k a y ? M a k e s u r e y o u e a t a f t e r . ”

B u l a n i g n o r e d h i m , a n d h o p p e d i n t h e s h o w e r .

O n c e B u l a n f i n a l l y f e l t f r e s h a n d c l e a n , s h e l e t o u t a h e a v y d e e p e x h a l e b e f o r e o p e n i n g t h e b a t h r o o m d o o r . H e r f a t h e r w a s n o t a r o u n d . S h e f e l t a s i c k m o r b i d s e n s e o f r e l i e f f o r b e i n g a w a y f r o m h i m . S h e c o u l d n ’ t h e l p i t , h e w a s h a n g i n g o n t o h e r s o d e s p e r a t e l y . E v e r s i n c e h e r m o t h e r l e f t , s h e w a s t h e o n e h e d e p e n d e d o n . E v e n h i s g o o d w i l l e d c o n c e r n s f e l t s u f f o c a t i n g . B u l a n r e t u r n e d t o t h e b e d r o o m w h e r e s h e h a d l e f t h e r p h o n e . S h e p l u g g e d h e r p h o n e i n t o t h e c h a r g e r a n d l e f t i t . A s s h e w a s a b o u t t o g e t o n h e r l a p t o p t o d o w o r k , t h e l i g h t s w e n t o u t . I t w a s p i t c h b l a c k i n h e r r o o m a n d s h e f e l t a s h i v e r r u n d o w n h e r s p i n e .

“ G o d , p l e a s e , n o t n o w . ” S h e g r o a n e d , m o r e a n n o y e d t h a n a f r a i d n o w . S h e h a d a s s i g n m e n t s t o f i n i s h , r e a d i n g s t o g e t t o , a n d r e p o r t s t h a t n e e d e d h e r a t t e n t i o n . S h e c o u l d n o t h a v e t h e l i g h t s d i e o n h e r l i k e t h i s .

D e f e a t e d a n d e x h a u s t e d , s h e s t o o d u p f r o m h e r c h a i r a n d w a l k e d t o t h e l i v i n g r o o m . S h e s e a r c h e d f o r a l i g h t e r , a c a n d l e , a f l a s h l i g h t o r a n y t h i n g . B u l a n c h e c k e d u n d e r t h e c o f f e e t a b l e , s h e e v e n c h e c k e d h e r k i t c h e n a n d c o u l d n ’ t f i n d a n y t h i n g . S h e w a s e x h a u s t e d , h e r b a c k h u r t , h e r e y e s w e r e s t r a i n e d , s h e j u s t w a n t e d t o r e s t , s l e e p . W a k e u p t o a b e t t e r d a y . T o a l e s s t i r i n g d a y .

“ B u l a n ? ” H e r f a t h e r ’ s v o i c e , g e n t l e a n d w o r r i e d , “ W h a t h a p p e n e d ? A r e y o u o k a y ? ” B u l a n d i d n o t a n s w e r .

“ B u l a n ? ”

G o d , t o h e a r h e r f a t h e r s a y h e r n a m e s o g e n t l y , s o l o v i n g l y t h a t i t t w i s t e d h e r s t o m a c h i n k n o t s . H e r h e a r t d r u m m e d i n h e r c h e s t , a n d s h e f e l t t h e g u i l t w e i g h i n g d o w n o n h e r s h o u l d e r s .

R e m o r s e w a s h e d o v e r h e r a l l a t o n c e , l i k e a n o c e a n w a v e h i t t i n g h e r w i t h t h e c o l d h a r s h r e a l i t y . O h , t o d o t h i s t o h e r o w n f a t h e r . “ S w e e t i e , w h a t ’ s w r o n g ? ”

O h , g o d i t h u r t s . I t d o e s r e a l l y , t o h e a r t h e c o n c e r n s o f a f a t h e r f o r h i s d a u g h t e r . T o f e e l s u c h a f f e c t i o n . B u l a n w a s j u s t s o t i r e d , s o e x h a u s t e d f r o m p l a y i n g p r e t e n d , s h e d i d n ’ t e v e n s t o p w h e n t e a r s s t a r t e d t o w e l l u p . T h e h o t t e a r s s t r e a m e d d o w n h e r f a c e a n d s h e s o b b e d .

“ N o … m y d a u g h t e r , m y d e a r d a u g h t e r , d o n ’ t c r y , ” B u l a n ’ s f a t h e r s t e p p e d c l o s e r a n d s t r e t c h e d o u t a h a n d t o p a t h e r b a c k , “ p a p a ’ s r i g h t h e r e ”

H i s h a n d p h a s e d r i g h t t h r o u g h B u l a n ’ s b a c k , a n d s h e f e l t a c o l d s h i v e r w h e r e h e r f a t h e r ’ s h a n d s h o u l d ’ v e b e e n .

“ D o n ’ t , ” s h e s a i d , b a r e l y , “ y o u c a n ’ t . ”

“ W h a t … B u l a n , w h y , w h y c a n ’ t I ” H e d e s p e r a t e l y t r i e d t o t o u c h h e r , h u g h e r , p a t h e r , a n y t h i n g . B u t w i t h e v e r y d e s p e r a t e a t t e m p t , h i s h a n d s i m p l y b e c a m e g h o s t l y . B u l a n ’ s c r i e s b e c a m e b a r e l y a u d i b l e i n t h e b a c k g r o u n d a s a t h o u s a n d t h o u g h t s r a n t h r o u g h h e r f a t h e r ’ s h e a d . T h e r e a l i z a t i o n d i d n o t h i t h i m i n s t a n t l y , i t s a t o n t h e b a c k o f h i s m i n d l i k e a s h a d o w . D e n i a l t r y i n g t o d o h i m j u s t i c e . H i s b r o w s f u r r o w e d a n d h i s l i p s q u i v e r e d . “ B u l a n ? W h a t ’ s w r o n g w i t h m e ? W h y c a n ’ t I … B u l a n ? ”

“ B u l a n p l e a s e , I t ’ s m e y o u r f a t h e r , p l e a s e … ” H e w h i m p e r e d .

H e t r i e d a g a i n , d e s p e r a t e l y , t o h u g h e r o n l y d a u g h t e r . O n l y f o r h i s a r m s t o o n c e a g a i n b e c o m e t r a n s l u c e n t . H e s t a r e d a t h i s t r e m b l i n g h a n d s , a n d m o u t h e d h i s d a u g h t e r ' s n a m e , B u l a n B u l a n .

B u l a n h e a r d h i s f a t h e r ’ s c r i e s a n d s h e s i m p l y c u r l e d i n t o a b a l l h u g g i n g h e r s e l f . I t w a s p a i n f u l e n o u g h t o h e a r t h e v o i c e o f t h e d e a d , a n d f o r i t t o t a k e t h e f o r m o f s o m e o n e s o d e a r t o h e r . I t w a s e n o u g h t h a t h e w o u l d f o l l o w h e r a r o u n d , b u t t o h a v e h i m h o p e l e s s l y d o w h a t h e c o u l d n ’ t w h e n h e w a s a l i v e , i t f e l t m o r e l i k e a c r u e l c u r s e t h a n a b l e s s i n g . " B u l a n … I d o n ’ t u n d e r s t a n d … ” H e c r i e d a s h e l o o k e d a r o u n d t h e r o o m , h e l p l e s s l y l o o k i n g f o r h e l p .

“ W h y ? W h y d i d y o u d o t h i s t o m e ? ” H e y e l l e d s o l o u d l y i t m a d e B u l a n f l i n c h . B u t t o w h o m w a s t h a t q u e s t i o n d i r e c t e d t o ? T h e s k y ? T o G o d ? T o w h o e v e r h a d p u t h i m i n t h i s s i t u a t i o n ?

“ T u h a n , k e n a p a T u h a n ? ” H e w a i l e d a t a n a b s e n t G o d . W h e n h e w a i t e d f o r s o m e s o r t o f r e s p o n s e , t h e s k y g a v e h i m s i l e n c e . A g a i n , h e i s r e c e i v e d w i t h s i l e n c e . W h y w a s h e h e r e ? H a u n t i n g h i s p o o r d a u g h t e r ? W h y m u s t h e s t a y a n d s i m p l y b e c o m e a p h a n t o m i n h i s d a u g h t e r ’ s l i f e ?

H e c o u l d n o t h e l p h e r e v e n i f h e t r i e d . H e w a s j u s t a p r e s e n c e . B u t , w h a t h a s c h a n g e d ? H e c o u l d n ’ t d o i t t h e n , w h a t m a d e h i m s o a r r o g a n t a s t o t h i n k h e c o u l d h a v e n o w ? E v e n i n t h e a f t e r l i f e , h e c o u l d n ’ t h e l p h e r . A t t h a t m o m e n t , t h o u g h t h e s k y n e v e r g a v e h i m a n a n s w e r , h e f e l t i t s w e i g h t h a n g o n h i s s h o u l d e r s .

“ P a p a . ” B u l a n m a n a g e d t o s a y , “ I m i s s y o u . ” S h e h u g g e d h e r k n e e s a n d c r i e d , “ I m i s s y o u s o m u c h . ” “ B u l a n , a n a k k u … ”

H e r f a t h e r s a t i n s i l e n c e a s r e a l i t y s u n k i n , a n d h e s a t t h e r e w a t c h i n g h e r d a u g h t e r ’ s b a c k , q u i e t l y . H e l e t h i s h a n d p o w e r l e s s l y f l o a t a b o v e h e r s h o u l d e r .

B u l a n c o u l d o n l y w h i s p e r u n d e r h e r b r e a t h , “ I m i s s y o u , I ’ m s o r r y . B u l a n m i n t a m a a f p a . ”

e e t S o u l H A R M O

S

Today is the day of my Collapse. It is today that I will become Whole. I have been gathering my Rocks for as long as I can remember.

My mother tells me that I started when I was five. I make my way to the beginning of the Rocks, feet carrying me without thinking over the sandy path, compacted under years of wandering feet. I almost cannot bring myself to go further, not today. So I stay on the edge, where the lush green grass meets the barren desert dust that marks the place of the Rocks. Maybe I don't have to do this. But that thought is always with me and I am used to it swelling within my mind or hiding under all my other thoughts, though never entirely disappearing. Every day, I am drawn towards the choice I have to make

Do I Collapse today? Or do I Accumulate? My mother, with her mouth pressed into a harsh, determined line, scoffs every time I let it slip that I am uncertain. My aunt, who was kinder, used to tell me to be brave. She would sit with me on her lap, tickling me with smooth waves of her long hair as she told me stories of how things used to be. That is, until she Collapsed two months ago. I can still see that last, thundering moment, the dust swirling around the base of her Pile of Rocks, and the loud, relentless crunching of the Rocks into smaller stones. And underneath it all, the shrill sound of my aunt’s screams. But back in the present, with the sun streaming through the trees and a breeze tugging at my hair, I feel as if I could stay in this moment forever. Suddenly, a small, stray sound breaks my thought "Rowdia! I've been looking for you!"

It’s my younger sister, running across the uneven ground in loose slippers. Her feet pitter patter on the dirt she does not know what it is like to fall, yet. She is still young, only four years old, so it is fine if she wanders outside without formal wear. No one will complain. Rilu doesn't know what will happen to me today, in just a few hours, because I have been accumulating Rocks to build my Pile for longer than she has lived on this earth. The thought makes me feel old. Almost ready to Collapse, even. My mother has been asking me to add my first Rock to Rilu’s tiny Pile, but I cannot. I cannot let myself think of the day when she will be under all those dark Rocks, under her Collapse. My parents do not think like me. They have been saying that she will be one of the fastest at Accumulating when she grows up, and every week, they teach her how to build a new Layer of her Pile, scratching messy diagrams into the big Rock behind our house. Avoiding adding to her Pile is all that I can do, even though I know against every fibre of my being that I should help her Accumulate, help her get to her Collapse so that she can be Whole. She runs to me and I pick her up, swinging her small body into my chest. Her short hair flies into the wind. Her hands warm and damp, she holds onto me, squealing into my ear.

"Rilu, I've got to go. I've got things to do today,” I say.

S w e e t S o u l H A R M O N YCOLLAPSE

"Oh! Are you building your Rocks?" she asks, her oblong, glistening eyes staring up into my own. I swallow, and look away, deciding on a reply. Regardless of my answer, she will have to face what will happen later today, so I give in.

"Yes. I guess you can come along."

She runs along ahead of me on the path, loose, grey brown clothes billowing out behind her. My mother has brought her here many times, almost every week, to show her everybody's Piles. Large, scraggly, smaller, crumbling everybody’s Pile looks different.

We reach mine, and Rilu points at it, beaming. "Yours, Rowdia! So big already!" She knows that she wants one, but she doesn't know yet what it's for today, she will find out. She is peering at the newest Layer, seeing what I have added since the last time she has been to visit. It is a Layer of crystal Rock, the rarest kind. I have worked hard to get it crystal hides under other types of Rock.

I am afraid that she will not be ready. But you never are, until you've first experienced the first Collapse of someone you know. "Can I get a Rock?" she asks, and runs away before I can answer. I follow her within seconds. It's easy to get lost in the Rocks, among the towering Piles. Already, I can barely see two metres in front of me as the Piles block out nearly all of the light. In the shade of the Rocks, it is dark and cool. The Piles are so big that it is a minute of brisk walking before we reach the end of this Pile and onto the next. This is one of the first Piles, built many years before even my grandmother can remember. It is crooked and simply made, consisting only of some rough, brown, pritkt stones. Sometimes, the children play on it, so all the loose Rocks have been knocked off it by now. Rilu has stopped, and she is poking near the base of one of the Rocks with a stick. Scrape, scrape. "Rilu! Don't go too close," I say. Some people don't build their Piles very well, and well they're still in there, somewhere, even years after. Some people call me superstitious for avoiding the Collapsed Rocks, but this has always been my preference. Rilu’s found a Rock, big enough to count as a worthy addition to my Pile but small enough for her to carry. She staggers towards me, but I don't offer to assist her. This will be an important memory for her helping someone to build their Pile on the day of their Collapse.

When we get back to my Pile, Rilu scrambles to the top and puts hers down near the centre. My Pile is fairly large it takes five minutes to walk all the way around it. Our Piles nowadays are much bigger than the ones that were first built. Mine starts with dark coloured, denser Rocks at the bottom, hauled all the way from the edges of the Rockland. My aunt had helped me with the first Layer, before her Collapse… I shake off the thought. After that, my friends, Amu, Plo, Rwu and Teru, had dug into the ground so they could form the grey tritho foundations, then they had piled smooth, green luul Rock on the inside, where I will be when I Collapse. The Layers after that, I mostly did by myself dragging Rocks across kilometres of empty land when I woke up in the morning, the sky dim and the village quiet as the children rested; and also after we had eaten dinner by the crackling fire, escaping into the cool night air by myself after a day of working in the farm.

S w e e t S o u l H A R M O N Y S w e e t S o u l H A R M O N Y

S w e e t S o u l H A R M O

I am lucky that I have managed to build so much. There are fewer Rocks left nowadays, so you have to go further to get it, so far into the Rockland that you can no longer hear the birds calling. Some people even say that one day, we may have to use other people's Rocks, Rocks belonging to ones that have already Collapsed. But I hope we will never have to disturb them. I do not like to think of what is left under there, left behind after their Collapse.

And I cannot imagine what will happen when there are no Rocks left, not a single one, to build one’s Pile. The thought of that hopeless future crushes my breathless chest, and I nearly collapse under it, but somehow, there is a curious sense of freedom and possibility. I hold onto the fleeting feeling as I help Rilu down my Rocks, making sure she doesn't go near the back side of it. That is where the long, grey, quartzite lever Rock is, shaped into a cylinder and easy to grasp. Pulling it would cause the whole thing to collapse, and then I would have to rebuild it. And what if Rilu got caught under it? No, no, I cannot bear the thought of the crushing darkness on her, pushing her last breath out I watch as she crawls over a large, striped maulu Rock and jumps down the next one, a rough and jagged kauka; I nearly cry out No, Rilu! Don’t go anywhere near the Rocks! But then she is back on the ground again, safe.

As the hour of my Collapse inches closer, I can feel my heart accelerate and each swallow brings nausea up my chest. I could bring another Rock to my pile. There is always another Rock to add.

It is time. Rilu is standing with my mother at the front, waving at me. My friends have gathered round, standing near the base of my Rocks. There is Amu, with his truku Rock Layer nearly done. And Plo she only started Accumulating two years ago, so her Pile is still small. And Rwu and Teru, the neighbouring family's twins. All of them are here. We have not seen each other for two weeks, except when we passed each other in the street, for I have been building my Pile.

There is also my grandmother. She does not go out of the house much, but she said she would be here for my Collapse. She is standing far back, where all the villagers are avoiding her. With her wrinkled face and frizzled hair, white against her dark skin, she is the oldest person in the village right now, and every year she grows older without a sign of Collapsing. Every year, we offer to build her Rocks for her, all of us, to pile it up high so that she can Collapse, but every time, she refuses with a shake of her head and a loose toothed smile. Her Pile sits far back on the land, small and never getting bigger. But it will not be me who will help her Collapse, when it eventually happens not after today. I am not sure what I feel about her being here, but I look at her anyway. I cannot see if she is looking back at me she is too far away.

It is time. It is time. I must go. Everyone is waiting in silence, staring at me.

The air is still under the hot noon sun.

S w e e t S o u l H A R M O N

e e t S o u l H A R M

S w e e t S o u l H A R M O N Y

I am not ready, but I cannot dwell on the thought. With a soft grunt, I heave aside the smooth, flat Rock covering the top of my Pile. There are tiny steps leading down I had laid each of them here as I finished each Layer. I sit on the central Rock. It is quiet and dark. There is the earthy smell of soil, dragged in in the crevices of each Rock. I wish I had left some space so that I can see the light shining in, but I try not to panic.

Just breathe. Slowly.

Will there be enough air?

Do not panic, Rowdia. Do not panic.

Do. Not. Panic.

I wait for myself to settle down before reaching for the long lever Rock behind my head. Have I Accumulated enough? Will there be enough Rock? I have heard the moans and screeches of those who have not Accumulated enough Rocks before they Collapsed, alive for weeks in their pile before their screams died away. I hope I have enough to become Whole in the very second that I Collapse it all.

With both my hands, I clutch the lever Rock. It is dry and rough, so that nervous fingers do not slip on it. And I pull.

The Rocks Collapse, filling in the gap left by the lever Rock, slamming against each other as the force rolls through the Pile. Thunk! Thunk! Thunk! Thunk! It is dark, hot, pressing. My arms are crushed Rock pushing against chest cannot breathe. Lightness, spreading, spreading, through feet, legs, thighs. Intense darkness, all around but I know that even if there was sun, I would not see. The Rocks have melted into soft pillows which give way under my body; my chest heaves for the last time to take a breath and

I am no longer Rowdia.

S w e e t S o u l H A R M O N Y

Five Films that Feel Out of This World

Mannam

I often find that my mind is floating amongst the cosmos, caught in a daydream seeking to escape the drudgeries of this life. In the absence of space and dimension travel, I am bound to this planet (for now). However, with the power of alluring cinematography, imaginative story-telling, and hypnotising scores, the following films serve as the next best thing as they give you a glimpse into worlds with more magic, colour, creatures, and dimensions than ours.

One.

Soul (2020)

Pixar’s Soul is a beautiful film that follows Joe Gardner, a middle-school band teacher, who accidentally finds himself in the “Great Before”, a place where souls exist in limbo prior to ascending to Earth. There he meets 22, a soul who stubbornly refuses to gradu ate from this state to a life on Earth. Joe helps 22 discover their passions and purpose, a journey through which they both discover the true meaning behind having a soul. This tear-jerker will touch your heart (and soul), as it unravels the beauty in life’s mundanity with its stunning visuals and heart-warming message.

Interstellar (2014)

When Earth is no longer fit for humans to inhabit, a group of astronauts voyage through space in search of a new home. Arguably Christopher Nolan’s magnus opus, Interstellar is one of the most iconic films of the 21st century, with its (inter)stellar cast, engrossing soundtrack by Hans Zimmer, and astonishing story. It will leave you mind-boggled, shocked, and teary, and is perhaps a wakeup call as to the way we treat this planet. One cannot do the film justice by describing it in words. It is a must-see marvel that gets better and more complex with each watch.

Two.

“Is all this living really worth dying for?”

“Love is the one thing we’re capable of perceiving that transcends dimensions of time and space”

Maham

Three.

Howl’s Moving Castle (2004)

This Studio Ghibli film follows Sophie, who turns into an old woman at the hand of a jealous witch’s curse. Her only hope to reverse the spell is to seek help from Howl, a charming yet flawed wizard, and his friends. The Castle steals the show in the film with its unpredictable moods and miraculous transformations. The entrancing animation is only half the magic of the film, demonstrated by Hayao Miyazaki’s cinematographic mastery as he portrays relatable human troubles and experiences in an ethereal and aesthetically-pleasing world. I could not recommend it more.

P.S. Christian Bale voices Howl in the English Dubbed version, which is quite well done.

Moonrise Kingdom (2012)

Another visually captivating Wes Anderson film, Moonrise Kingdom explores young love through Sam and Suzy, two twelve-year olds who fall in love and run away from their homes. The film is whimsical and full of heart; its plot falling secondary to its mesmerising symmetrical cinematography and soft yellow colour palette. Although this film takes place within the real world, it takes a detour away from the quick pace of reality into Sam and Suzy’s jejune and faraway dreamscape. While this is not my favourite Anderson pic ture, Moonrise Kingdom is a delightful 90-minute escape that depicts the awkwardness and hilarity of childhood love all in a quirky and spectacular Wes Anderson manner.

Four.

Five.

The How to Train Your Dragon Trilogy

My absolute favorite Dreamworks films, the How to Train Your Dragon trilogy are beau tiful representations of the dynamics of friendship, romance, and family in a world where dragons exist. The trilogy delivers the message that it only takes one person to instigate change and catalyse movement for peace and restoration between different beings as they immerse you into the viking island of Berk. The films feature incredible instrumentals composed by John Powell, which perfectly encapsulate the emotions in their respective scenes, adding a magnificent auditory experience to their bewitching visuals. High qual ity is maintained throughout the trilogy through breathtaking animation and powerful narratives about feelings like an outcast, changing the status quo, and the pressure that comes from parental expectations. I highly suggest taking a trip to Berk and experiencing its magic for yourself.

“I see no point in living if I can’t be beautiful”

“I love you but you don’t know what you’re talking about”

“Being frightened is not the same as being a coward”

History,

Amihan

m e t e l l y o u a b o u t h o w o u r c o u n t r y ’ s i s l a n d s w e r e c r e a t e d , a l l s e v e n u s a n d o n e h u n d r e d a n d s e v e n o f t h e m .

O r i s i t s i x t h o u s a n d e i g h t h u n d r e d ? S e v e n t h o u s a n d s i x h u n d r e d ? I i m a g i n e t h a t s o m e o n e i s k e e p i n g t r a c k o f t h e n u m b e r o f e a r t h e n s t i t c h e s t h a t p r i c k t h e s e a m s o f o u r s h o r e s , s e w i n g a n d s l a s h i n g t a l l y m a r k s o n a t a p e s t r y t h e c o l o u r o f m y a p o l o g i e s , I d i g r e s s .

T h e i s l a n d s , i n t h e i r p a t c h w or k g l o r y , a r e p r o d u c t s o f s t r i f e . T h e s k y a n d t h e s e a w a r r e d , t a u n t e d b y a s p i r i t e d k i t e , a n d t h e s k y a n g r i l y h u r l e d b o u l d e r s i n t o t h e s e a .

A l t e r n a t i v e l y : a h a l l o w e d b i r d p r o v o k e d t h e a r g u m e n t , a n d r e a l i s i n g i t s e r r o r , d r o p p e d r o c k s i n t o t h e w a t e r s t o q u e l l t h e f i g h t . W h o e v e r t h e i n s t i g a t o r , w h a t e v e r t h e c o n f l i c t , t h e r e s u l t w a s t h e s a m e : o u r h o m e , a s c a t t e r e d a r c h i p e l a g o , a b l a n k f a b r i c t o b e e m b r o i de r e d w i t h h i s t o r y . W e b e g a n t o i n h a b i t t h e s e i s l a n d s w h e n a s a c r e d b i r d

( T h e s a m e o n e f r o m e a r l i e r ? P e r h a p s ) l a i d e g g s o n o p p o s i t e s h o r e s o f a r i v e r b a n k , a n d a m a n a n d w o m a n h a t c h e d f r o m t h e s e e g g s , f i n d i n g e a c h o t h e r a f t e r e p o c h s o f l o n e l y w a n d e r i n g .

A l t e r n a t i v e l y : a b a m b o o s h o o t , r o o t e d i n t h e w a r m s o i l o f a n i s l a n d , s p l i t a p a r t a n d r e v e a l e d —

L e t m e t e l l y o u a b o u t h o w w e c a m e u n d e r c o l o n i a l r u l e . W h y I a m t e l l i n g t h i s s t o r y i n a l a n g u a g e t h a t i s n o t m y o w n . W h y I a m t e l l i n g t s t o r y i n t h e f i r s t p l a c e ; a f t e r a l l , t h i s s h o u l d b e s o m e t h i n g k n o w n t o y a l r e a d y , a t r u t h k n i t t e d i n t o t h e c h a m b e r s o f y o u r h e a r t a s i t b e a t s a b e a t s a n d b e a t s .

(

T h i s i s n o t y o u r f a u l t . )

A P o r t u g u e s e e x p l o r e r w o r k i n g f o r t h e S p a n i s h m o n a r c h y n a v i g a t e d w o r l d a n d l a n d e d o n o u r i s l a n d s . F a s h i o n e d f r o m d i s c o r d , f r i c t t h r u m m i n g i n i t s b e d r o c k , o u r i s l a n d o f M a c t a n b e c a m e a b l o o d s t a i c l o t h . A t t h e e x p l o r e r ’ s d e m i s e , i t m o r p h e d i n t o a f l a g o f v i c t o F o r t y - f o u r y e a r s p a s s e d

( I c a n n o t t e l l y o u w h a t h a p p e n e d d u r i n g t h i s l i f e t i m e , i t h a s b e e n f o l d e d a w a y a n d t u c k e d i n t o o b s c u r i t y ) a n d a n o t h e r S p a n i s h e x p e d i t i o n s e t t h e i r s i g h t s o n t h e a r c h i p e l a g o . T h e y a n o i nt e d t h e i s l a n d s a u n i f y i n g n a m e , a f t e r t h e i r k i n g t h o u s a n d s o f m i l e s a w a y , i n a n u n w a n t e d b l e s s i n g . T h e y b e l i e v e d t h e n a m e w a s a g i f t , a n d s o w e r e t h e i r w a y s . T h e y s h r e d d e d t h e i s l a n d s o f t h e i r r i c h e s , s t i t c h e d i m p o s e d r e l i g i o n a n d e d u c a t i o n a n d s u b s e r v i e n c e , a n d l e f t t h e c o u n t r y t h r e a d b a r e .

T h r e e h u n d r e d a n d t h i r t y - t h r e e y e a r s l a t e r

( T h i s I a m c e r t a i n o f b e c a u s e p a i n n e v e r f o r g e t s )

t h e S p a n i s h a n d A me r i c a n f o r c e s t r a d e d p o w e r o v e r t h e c o u n t r y . A n g e r e d b y a e o n s o f m i s t r e a t m e n t , i n d e p e n d e n c e w i n k i n g o v e r t h e i s l a n d s ’ c r u m p l e d h o r i z o n s , t h e c o u n t r y ’ s n a t i v e s e s t a b l i s h e d a r e p u b l i c , i n c i t i n g a w a r t h a t w o u l d

L e t m e t e l l y o u a b o u t h o w o u r c o u n t r y w a s n e e d l e d w i t h i n j u s t i c e a n d t r e p i d a t i o n . H o w s a f e t y a n d p r o s p e r i t y w e r e p r o m i s e d t o o u r p e o p l e , w h i l e i n w h a t w e b e g u n t o c a l l a n d r e c o r d r e a l i t y

( I b e l i e v e , I b e l i e v e , I b e l i e v e t h i s t o b e t r u e , a l t h o u g h m a n y h a v e a t t e m p t e d t o p e r s u a d e m e t o c l a i m o t h e r w i s e ) s h a r p e n e d s c i s s o r s t o r e t h e m f r o m e a c h o t h e r . C o m p l a i n t s w e r e r i p p e d f r o m t h e i r t h r o a t s a n d t h e i r b o d i e s w e r e b r u i s e d , e l e c t r o c u t e d , w a t e r b o a r d e d , o r s h o t . T h e p o c k e t s o f e v e r y d a y p e o p l e , b u s i n e s s e s g o v e r n m e n t a g e n c i e s r i c h e s s l o w l y b e g i n n i n g t o r e c o u p t h e i r l o s s e s f r o m c e n t u r i e s c o l o n i s a t i o n w e r e s l i t a n d e m p t i e d .

P e a c e a n d c a n d o u r e v e n t u a l l y u n s t i t c h e d t h i s p a t c h w o r k o f t e r r o c o u n t l e s s o f l o o s e t h r e a d s r e m a J o u r n a l i s t s w h o u n c o v e r e d a n d r e p o r t e d o n c o r r u p t a c t i v i t i e s b o a r c a r s , v a n s , a n d a e r o p l a n e s t h e v e h i c l e s r e a c h e d t h e i r d e s t i n a t i o n t h e p a s s e n g e r s i n s i d e i t w e r e n e v e r s e e n a g a i n . H u m a n r i g h t s a c t i v w a l k e d i n t o m e e t i n g r o o m s f o r g a t h e r i n g s o f t e n b o d i e s , t h r e e w o b e r e c o v e r e d , w i t h t h e r e m a i n i n g s e v e n l o s t t o u n j u s t m y s t e r y . T o d w e g a z e a t w a l l s a n d w a l k o n s t r e e t s e t c h e d w i t h t h e n a m e s o f o u t s p r i e s t s a n d s t u d e n t s a n d l a w y e r s a n d p o e t s

T h e i r s t or i e s b l u r t o g e t h e r b e c a u s e t h e i r f a t e s a r e a l l t h e s a m e .

P r a y e r s h a v e b e e n l i f t e d t o t h e s k y , b u t t h e y r e m a i n u n a n s w e r e d . A h a p h a z a r d h u n t f o r t h e i r b o d i e s , t h e i r j u s t i c e , o u r j u s t i c e , a n d o u r p e o p l e ’ s f o r t u n e h a s l e d t o

e t m e a d m i t s o m e t h i n g : I c a n n o t b e s u r e o f a n y t h i n g t h a t I h a v e s a i d . u r c o u n t r y w a s c u t f r o m t h e c l o t h o f m y t h , a n d i t h a s b e e n c r e a s e d a t w a y e v e r s i n c e . I f t h e r e w a s a w a y t o s h a r e t h e s t o r y t r u t h f u l l y — c h f i g u r e , e v e n t , a n d d a t e : a n u t t e r a n c e l a c e d w i t h c e r t a i n t y I o u l d h a v e t o l d y o u t h a t , n o t t h i s. U n f o r t u n a t e l y , t h e s t r i n g s o f f a c t a n d c t i o n a r e t a n g l e d , f u s i n g a s t i m e s t r e t c h e s o n . o m t h i s d a y o n , t h o u g h , I w i l l p i c k u p m y n e e d l e a n d s t i t c h s i n c e r e o r i e s , i n t h e h o p e s t h a t — h e P h i l i p p i n e s l a c k s t r a i n e d s c h o l a r s a n d p r o p e r s y s t e m s t o r e c o r d i t s v e r s e a r r a y o f d i a l e c t s , f o l k t a l e s , a n d t r a d i t i o n s . I a m o f t e n a s k e d b y m y r e i g n f r i e n d s w h y t h e r e a r e a l o t o f F i l i p i n o c r e a t i v e w r i t e r s , d es p i t e a c k o f a c c e s s i b l e a n d f a c t u a l m a t e r i a l t o b a s e o u r w r i t i n g o n . M y a n s w e r t h i s : w e d o n o t h a v e a p r o p e r r e c o r d i n g o f o u r h i s t o r y , s o w e h a v e n o c h o i c e b u t t o i n n o v a t e , t o a s s u m e , t o f i l l i n t h e g a p s o f o u r a n c e s t o r s ’ c h i p p e d m e m o r i e s . C u r r e n t l y , w e a r e t h r e a t e n e d b y h i s t o r i c a l r e v i s i o n i s m . I b e l i e v e t h a t t h i s g e n e r a t i o n o f w r i t e r s , w i t h m o d e r n r e s o u r c e s a t o u r d i s p o s a l , c a n r e s i s t t h i s b y d o cu m e n t i n g w h a t i s n o w o c c u r r i n g t r u t h f u l l y , a n d b e i n g r e a d y t o r e c o r d w h a t i s t o c o m e . R e f e r e n c e s :

looking out the wiwndow in economy

dropped my luggage somewhere in the pacific ocean it’s got my epipen in there (plus all sorts of cheap scarves and thin books and long socks with garish patterns) and although the flight attendant assured me there was no egg in the in-flight meal i think i am struggling to breathe the in-flight movie stars give me hollywood grins (an adrenaline shot—! it’s easier to swallow camembert than morning pandesal) i’d ask for help but i can’t speak around the hives in my mouth

saliva pools inside my cheeks i cannot (will not) spit it out below the plane, the ocean yawns —it promises depth and waterlogged airways it advises me to drink a glass of water my mother spent half her life on an archipelago— the other half on an island and she still doesn’t know how to swim she clings to me in the shallows (as a child, i learned the word for “water” was tubig! tubig!) my mother was right. the sea is too big too deep too dangerous my lungs would give out long before i found what i was looking for

by Aries Gatucan.

AMONG THEM MEET HIM

D e a r Y o u ,

I d o n ’ t k n o w y o u r n a m e . I d o n ’ t k n o w w h o y o u a r e o r w h e r e y o u a r e o r w h e n w e w i l l e v e r m e e t I d o n ’ t k n o w w h e t h e r y o u a r e a l r e a d y i n m y l i f e s o m e w h e r e . I d o n ’ t e v e n k n o w i f y o u e x i s t i n t h i s l i f e t i m e . I ’ d l i k e t o b e l i e v e y o u ’ r e w a l k i n g t h i s e a r t h s o m e p l a c e , b u t s o m e t i m e s , I ’ m n o t s u r e i f I e v e n b e l i e v e i n t h e i d e a o f f a t e a n d r o m a n c e a n y m o r e . I o n c e f e l l i n l o v e w i t h a C a n c e r b o y . I t s e e m e d a l m o s t a f a i r y t a l e ; t h e y s a i d t h e o p p o s i t e o f C a p r i c o r n i s C a n c e r o n t h e z o d i a c w h e e l . T h a t w e a r e a p a i r t o p o n d e r w i t h f a m i l i a r r e s o n a n c e . H o w e v e r , m y s t o r y e n d e d u p b e i n g o n e o f t h o s e r i g h t p e r s o n , w r o n g t i m e , s t a r c r o s s e d l o v e r s a n d h i g h s c h o o l s w e e t h e a r t s c o n c e p t s t h a t d o e s n o t a l w a y s w o r k o u t i n f a v o u r o f t h e l e a d i n g c h a r a c t e r s .

M a y b e y o u c a n s a v e m e f r o m m y s e l f …

I f y o u a r e i n t h i s l i f e t i m e a n d o n t h i s p l a n e t , I h o p e I d o n ’ t m e e t y o u a n y t i m e s o o n I h a v e a l o t t o l e a r n a n d I w i l l p r o b a b l y h u r t y o u , b e c a u s e I d o n ’ t k n o w y e t t h a t y o u a r e t h e o n e w h o w i l l m a k e m e h a p p y . I ’ v e b e e n t h r o u g h a l o t . B u t , w h i l e I w i s h y o u c o u l d h a v e b e e n t h e r e w i t h m e , I k n o w y o u w i l l b e p r o u d o f h o w s t r o n g I t u r n e d o u t t o b e a n d a l l t h e t h i n g s I m a d e i t t h r o u g h w i t h o u t y o u S e e , I h a d t o b e a l o n e f o r a w h i l e s o I ’ d k n o w w h a t I ’ m c a p a b l e o f . L i f e c o m e s d i f f e r e n t l y f o r e a c h p e r s o n a s e a c h p e r s o n i s b o r n w i t h u n i q u e c i r c u m s t a n c e s I h a v e l e a r n e d t h a t t h e c i r c l e o f f i r s t m e e t l o v e a n d r o m a n c e b r e a k u p i s p a r t o f m y p e r s o n a l r e v e l a t i o n s a n d e v o l u t i o n . I l i v e a n e v e r y d a y l i f e a g a i n . N o t c h a s i n g s o m e t h i n g u n r e a l , n o t s e e k i n g s o m e t h i n g u n k n o w n . I a m b a c k t o t h e p o i n t w h e n I k n e w , a n d n o w I k n o w , a l i f e t h a t i s b a s e d o n e n j o y i n g t h e s i m p l e s t d e l i g h t o f w o r k i n g , c o o k i n g , c o f f e e i n g , m a k i n g a p h o n e c a l l , a n d f e e l i n g o k a y t o n o t b e o k a y . A n d s o , I ’ d a p p r e c i a t e h a v i n g s o m e o n e l i k e y o u m o r e . I n e e d t o b e s i n g l e f o r a w h i l e s o I w i l l n o t r e g r e t n o t h a v i n g t h i s k i n d o f f r e e d o m i n t h e f u t u r e W h e n I ’ m y o u r s , I ’ l l b e c o m p l e t e l y y o u r s b e c a u s e I h a d t h i s t i m e t o b e m i n e .

B u t s o m e t i m e s I m i s s b e i n g i n l o v e

T h e r e a r e d a y s w h e n I w i s h y o u c o u l d g e t h e r e f a s t e r , j u s t s o I c a n h a v e t h e k i n d o f l o v e t h a t I ’ v e b e e n w a i t i n g f o r , s i n c e w h a t f e e l s l i k e f o r e v e r . I g u e s s i t ’ s b e t t e r t h a t y o u ’ r e n o t h e r e y e t , b e c a u s e I d o n ’ t k n o w h o w t o b e w i t h y o u r i g h t n o w . I ’ l l p r o b a b l y s a y a l o t o f r e a l l y s t u p i d t h i n g s a n d s c a r e y o u a w a y . I h o p e t h a t ’ s o k a y Y o u w o n ’ t j u s t b e t h e l o v e o f m y l i f e , y o u w i l l b e m y b e s t f r i e n d i n t h i s w o r l d I ’ d a l w a y s t h o u g h t o f a l l m y o l d l o v e s a s b e s t f r i e n d s a t t h e t i m e , b u t I d o n ’ t t h i n k I e v e r r e a l l y k n e w w h a t t h a t m e a n t . I l o v e t h a t I w i l l b e a b l e t o t e l l y o u a n y t h i n g a n d e v e r y t h i n g a n d k n o w t h a t y o u w i l l b e t h e o n e p e r s o n i n t h e w o r l d w h o u n d e r s t a n d s . W e w o n ’ t a l w a y s g e t a l o n g a n d w e w i l l m o r e t h a n p o s s i b l y g e t i n t o s o m e r e a l l y u g l y f i g h t s , b u t I k n ow t h a t w e c a n m a k e i t t h r o u g h i n t h e e n d b e c a u s e n o t h i n g i s m o r e i m p o r t a n t t h a n l e a r n i n g a n d g r o w i n g t o g e t h e r W e a r e p r o b a b l y d i f f e r e n t p e o p l e w i t h d i v e r s e i n t e r e s t s , a n d t h a t ’ s a g o o d t h i n g W e w i l l m a k e t i m e f o r w h a t i s i m p o r t a n t t o t h e o t h e r b e c a u s e w e l i k e m a k i n g e a c h o t h e r h a p p y . O f c o u r s e , t h e r e w i l l b e t h i n g s t h a t w e e n j o y d o i n g t o g e t h e r W e w i l l s p e n d m o s t o f o u r t i m e g o i n g a r o u n d t h e w o r l d t og e t h e r , s e e i n g p l a c e s w e ’ v e o n l y o n c e d r e a m e d o f t r a v e l i n g t o . W e b o t h l o v e t o t a l k a n d l a u g h , a n d w e s p e n d a l o t o f o u r t i m e g e t t i n g t o k n o w e a c h o t h e r E v e n a f t e r 2 0 y e a r s t o g e t h e r , w e w i l l a l w a y s f i n d n e w t h i n g s a b o u t e a c h o t h e r a n d r e m i n i s c e a b o u t t h e p e o p l e w e o n c e h a d t o b e t o g e t t h e r e B e f o r e d a w n i s a l w a y s t h e d a r k e s t n i g h t o f a l l . . . Y o u ’ v e p r o b a b l y l o v e d a g i r l ( o r m o r e ) b e f o r e m e , a n d t h a t ’ s o k a y . I ’ m s o r r y i f y o u ’ v e g o t t e n h u r t a n d I w a s n ’ t t h e r e t o m a k e y o u f e e l b e t t e r I ’ v e b e e n i n l o v e b e f o r e y o u , t o o , a n d I ’ v e g o t t e n m y h e a r t b r o k e n , a n d f e l t l i k e n o b o d y c o u l d r e a l l y u n d e r s t a n d I t w i l l t a k e a l o n g t i m e b e f o r e I c a n l e t a n y o n e e l s e i n a g a i n , a n d m a y b e y o u f e e l t h e s a m e w a y . I t w i l l b e b e t t e r t o f i n d e a c h o t h e r a f t e r g o i n g t h r o u g h w h a t w e h a v e ; w e w i l l b o t h k n o w h o w t o n o t t a k e b e i n g i n l o v e f o r g r a n t e d . W e ’ v e b o t h b e c o m e b e t t e r p e o p l e s e p a r a t e l y , s o m e t h i n g I w i l l a l w a y s b e t h a n k f u l f o r A n d b e c a u s e o f a l l t h e p a i n w e h a v e t o g o t h r o u g h b e f o r e w e m e e t , w e w i l l r e a l i s e t h a t w e d e s e r v e t h a t h a p p i n e s s a n d w e d e s e r v e e a c h o t h e r

M e e t y o u a m o n g t h e m …

I d o n ’ t k n o w w h a t y o u l o o k l i k e , b u t I k n o w y o u h a v e k i n d e y e s a n d a g e n u i n e s m i l e . I d o n ’ t k n o w w h a t y o u d o f o r a l i v i n g , b u t I k n o w t h a t y o u w i l l h a v e t i m e f o r m e I d o n ’ t k n o w y o u , b u t I k n o w t h a t y o u c a n g i v e m e a h u g w h e n I ’ m d o w n , h o l d m y h a n d s f o r n o r e a s o n a n d k i s s m e j u s t b e c a u s e y o u l o v e m e . T h e r e ’ s a p o s s i b i l i t y t h o u g h , t h a t y o u d o n ’ t e x i s t , a n d I ’ m w r i t i n g t h i s l e t t e r f o r n o o n e . B u t i n s p i t e o f a l l t h e c y n i c i s m I ’ m e n t i t l e d t o I h a v e t o b e l i e v e t h a t y o u ’ r e o u t t h e r e s o m e w h e r e . I h a v e t o b e l i e v e t h a t a l l t h e h e a r t a c h e I ’ d e v e r h a d t o e n d u r e w i l l s o m e d a y l e a d m e t o y o u I h a v e t o b e l i e v e t h a t G o d c r e a t e d y o u b e c a u s e H e k n e w I w o u l d n e e d y o u . A n d w h i l e I k n o w I ’ m a c o m p l e t e p e r s o n o n m y o w n , I h a v e t o b e l i e v e t h a t s o m e o n e l i k e y o u e x i s t s S o m e o n e w h o m i g h t n o t c o m p l e t e m e , b u t c a n m a k e l i f e b e t t e r . M o r e b e a u t i f u l M o r e c o l o r f u l A m a n w h o c a n m a k e m e b e l i e v e i n l o v e a g a i n . . . I d o n ’ t k n o w w h o y o u a r e o r i f I ’ l l e v e r f i n d y o u , b u t I w i s h w i t h a l l m y h e a r t t h a t y o u ’ r e o u t t h e r e , w a i t i n g , j u s t l i k e I a m I k n o w t h a t s o m e d a y I w i l l f i n d y o u . I n t h i s l i f e t i m e , o r t h e n e x t . I w i l l f i n d y o u Y o u r s ( s o m e d a y ) , M e

My Name and the Moon

Maham Mannam

My mother named me after the moon. Hoping that the full-cheeked, starry-eyed baby that once floated in the Milky Way of her belly Would grow up into an effulgent thing.

It seems that I did not live up to my name, for I didn’t grow up to pull tides nor illuminate skies on cold July nights.

Instead, I hide from the sun’s glow in the comfort of my bedroom where I spill candle-wax tears on my pink bedsheets, and gaze upon the pearl in the night sky As it flaunts my wasted potential.

Most days I crush myself under my weighted blanket, hissing when the golden rays creep through Like a thousand-year-old vampire - I’m scared to let the light in, Afraid to let myself glow.

My nights are spent in the arms of gravity, as it ex tracts tears from my eyes

whilst I mourn for stars that turned to ash in a million years bygone.

Their dust spills onto the prayer mat as I sit, in the dim light of my salt lamp, knees bent, hands glued together, Begging for celestial salvation.

My name floats in the obsidian ocean, It taunts me with its enchanting beauty, inconceivable for me to possess.

My life consumed, digging for a sliver of lunar beauty within Perhaps I’m searching for luminosity within a black hole, A void that swallows any slither of light it grazes.

Because I’m not the moon, I’m merely even a star, but even if I was, I fear that people would rather bask in the warmth of the sun. But gazing towards the blue, all moon-soaked I fancy the moon has a secret there’s more to her than what meets the eye. Sometimes if you catch a glimpse of her in purple twilight sky, she’ll give you a peak

But what’s in a name? that which we call the moon By any other name would shine as bright.

#BookTok is a strange, strange place. Another realm, if you will, of well-meaning literary enthusiasts sharing the latest reading recommendations over fuzzy sweaters, cups of tea, and a background of colour coded bookshelves. It’s risky, of course; the way any foray into a TikTok subculture usually is; for the branches of literary opinion and thought are as di verse as the millions of polyp species adorning a sea floor. And that enemies-to-lovers, high fantasy, romantic, New York Times bestselling, literary masterpiece you were promised might just as easily turn out to be a Sarah J. Maas novel (bleh!).

R. F. Kuang’s Babel: An Arcane History made its rounds across BookTok long before its publication, the author having already gained much traction for her Poppy War trilogy. For months before its publication, the promises the author made were practically branded upon the binary webs and interfaces of social media: an addition to the dark ac ademia genre set in Oxford University, unique fantastical elements, and a scathing critique on colonialism. Its plot, as was inevitable, was immediately elaborated upon by the enthusiastic, sprouting, BookTok netizens. Babel: An Arcane History (for it deserves to be referred to by its full title) follows Robin Swift, a half-Chinese boy who is re moved from his home in Canton for England by an English scholar who may or may not be his father. There, his predetermined fate is laid out. He is to be educated in Greek, Latin, and Chinese and matriculate to take his place at Oxford University’s Royal Institute of Translation, otherwise known as “Babel”. Babel, as it so happens, is the seat and heart of Britain’s colonialism project. Here, the translators of Babel translate words from a variety of languages into English, engrave them on silver bars, and draw on that little magical something that gets lost in translation to make their trains run smoother, to render their homes impene trable, force their ships to sail faster and their weapons to shoot with clinical precision. Silver-magic and translation have made Britain the strongest and wealthiest nation in the world; but when Robin Swift and his cohort are drawn into the midst of the opium war and a plan to decimate Britain’s rival in power, China, Robin is put in a precari ous position: choose between his homeland or the institute and country that gave him an education and opportunities.

Babel: An Arcane History was met with immediate praise. With its meticulous use of Oxford University and its tra ditions, it certainly fits well with the likes of Donna Tartt’s work and R. L. Milo. Kuang does not shy away from the brutality and discomforts of everyday racism. Two of the three members of Robin Swift’s cohort are people of colour: the qui et but stolid Haitian Victoire and the Muslim-Indian Rami.

The Arcane History of Translation Magic and One-Dimensional Characters

All three of them are subjected to condescending remarks about their race and intelligence, outright verbal discrimination, and physical harrassment that leaves the reader rightfully squeamish. They are valued only for their fluency in their mother tongues, which, in light of the ineffec tiveness of translation magic from Greek, Latin, and French, have become valuable commodities to be exploited for the sake of the British Empire.

Admittedly, Babel’s heavy focus on the scholarly aspects of linguistics and translation- along with its truly copious number of footnotes- may render it overly-didactic and dull to some, and bring forth repressed memories of the undergraduate and graduate days of yore. However, one of the pressing concerns surrounding the novel was the supposed one-dimensionality of its characters. Much of the professors of Babel and Robin’s guardian/ father are all white, cisgender, men. A member of Robin’s cohort – Letitia, an “English Rose” and daughter of an admiral– is characterised by their prejudice, snide remarks, or simply, by their ignorance to the exploitation and conflict experienced by the citizens of colonial countries. There is a distinct duality between the villains and the heroes of “Babel”. Jealousy, cruelty, abuse, and explicit racism paint the white colonists into ugly, mon strous caricatureshile. Rami and Victoire toe the line between explaining and saint-like preaching when drawing Robin to the right side of his loyalty crisis. A quick scan of Goodreads reviews indicates that many did not appreciate this blatant, in-your-face, distinction. Many felt lectured to and many thought it the mark of a poor author. Kuang’s writing skills aside, I felt that this supposed “one-dimensionality” of characters served the story well; simply because in a critique of 19th century colonialism, and in an accurate depiction of British racism at the time, that distinction is the entire point.

There have been scores of literary works dedicated to the “savagery” of “other” culture, races, ethnicities, and countries; plenty that have described “other” peoples as unintellectual, deficient, and lesser. “Other” cultures and peoples have long been villainised, demonised, and literal eugenics movements that sought to erase then have been conducted throughout history; the ramifications of which are felt today. Kuang’s “one-dimensionality” turns this motif of colonial literature on its head in this silver-magic-induced microcosm of a world she had painstakingly built. Why not depict the coloniser as the “savage” for once? Why not draw a distinction between the hero and villain? Why not use a meticulously crafted magic system to dive into the enriching ethereal complexity of “other” cultures and simultaneously explore how they are exploited and appropriated?

Whether Kuang’s characterization skills are perfect or not is a moot point. The real point is that she has succeeded in creating a story that amalgamates magic, academia, and a critique of colonialism with a mesh of gorgeous prose, imagery, and sardonic wit. She has fearlessly engaged in the less palatable aspects of history with a grace rarely seen in mainstream publications. That alone is a commendable feat, and for that alone Babel is worth a read.

By Donna Ferdinando.

THE MYTH OF THE HUSBAND

Is He the Answer to my Freedom?

“ W h e n y o u ’ r e m a r r i e d ” i s a v e x a t i o u s p h r a s e t h a t o f t e n s u f f i x e s f a l s e p r o

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T h u s , t h e m y t h o f t h e h u s b a n d i s b o r n . A p r o d u c t o f l o n e l i n e s s a n d a y e a r n i n g f o r f r e e d o m n a r r a t i v e g o e s l i k e s o :

O n e d a y , m y v e r y o w n k n i g h t i n s h i n i n g a r m o u r , a c h a r m i n g o f s o r t s ( p e r s o n a l l y I w o u l d p r e f e r m o r e o R i d e r t y p e) , w i l l c o m e a n d w h i s k m e a w a y f r o m m y f r e e m e f r o m m y s h a c k l e s . H e w i l l g i v e m e m y l e g s l i k e R a p u n z e l I ’ l l b e b a r e f o o t o n t h e g r a s s a n d s i n g

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T h i s l o n g i n g f o r i n d e p e n d e n c e f e e d s t h e f a n t a s y o f h y p o t h e t i c a l , s o m e t i m e s e v e n f i c t i o n a l m e n F i r e i s a d d e d t o t h e f u e l t h r o u g h t h e p l e t h o r a o f B o l l y w o o d m o v i e s , 2 0 0 0 s r o m c o m s , a n d r o m a n c e b o o k s I h a v e c o n s u m e d m a i n l y t o l i v e v i c a r i o u s l y t h r o u g h t h e r o m a n t i c e x p e r i e n c e s o f t h e i r f e m a l e c h a r a c t e r s T h e m a g i c a l , f a i r y t a l e e s q u e r o m a n c e s d e p i c t e d i n t h e s e f o r m s o f m e d i a , l i k e S e a s o n 2 o f B r i d g e r t o n, h a v e i n s t i l l e d q u i t e a h i g h , a n d s l i g h t l y u n r e a l i s t i c i d e a o f l o v e w i t h i n m e T h i s w h i t e p i c k e t f e n c e e x p e c t a t i o n i s p a r t i c u l a r l y e n d o r s e d w i t h i n t h e S o u t h A s i a n c o m m u n i t y a n d h a s a d d e d t o t h e p r e s s u r e b e h i n d t h e p u r s u i t o f l o v e M a r r i a g e i s a n a s s u m e d r i t e o f p a s s a g e f r o m t h e d a y w e w e r e b o r n H o w e v e r , t h e p r o m i s e o f b e i n g a b l e t o d o a s I w i s h o n c e I a m w e d m e a n s t h a t t h i s m a n w i l l n o t o n l y t i ck t h e b o x o f c o m p a n i o n s h i p , b u t a l s o b e m y t i c k e t t o f r e e d o m A w e d d i n g w i l l b e a n i n a u g u r a t i o n i n t o m y o w n l i f e ( I s i t r e a l i n d e p e n d e n c e i f i t r e l i e s o n t h e p r e s e n c e o f a d i a m o n d r i n g o n m y f i n g e r ? ) I t ' s d i f f i c u l t n o t t o f e e l a s i f m y l i f e i s i n c o m p l e t e w i t h o u t a m a r r i a g e c e r t i f i c a t e . I t ’ s a s i f I ’ m i n l i m b o , w a i t i n g f o r a h u s b a n d t o p a s s m e t h e b a t o n s o t h a t I c a n s t a r t r u n n i n g . A l t h o u g h m y m i n d h as b r e w e d a c o n c o c t i o n o f a l l I w a n t i n a r e l a t i o n s h i p , l o w s e l f s u f f i c i e n c y a n d e m p t i n e s s s o m e t i m e s m a k e m e f e e l a s i f I s h o u l d s c r a p m y d r e a m s a n d l o w e r m y s t a n d a r d s j u s t s o I c a n e n t e r t h e m a r a t h o n o f l i f e , i n s t e a d o f b e i n g a s p e c t a t o r .

I a m a d r e a m e r , b u t I a l s o k n o w w h e n t o b e a r e a l i s t . I k n o w r e a l l i f e i s n o t l i k e m o v i e s , s o I ’ m n o t e x p e c t i n g a C i n d e r e l l a s t o r y . H o w e v e r , i n t h e q u e s t f o r f r e e d om , t h e t h o u g h t t o j u s t a c c e p t t h e n e x t g u y t h a t c o m e s a l o n g , r e g a r d l e s s o f h i s c h a r a c t e r o r m y f e e l i n g s f o r h i m , h a s c r o s s e d m y m i n d .

( T h e r e d f l a g s a r e s h a p e d l i k e h e a r t s w h e n h e s e e m s l i k e t h e a n s w e r t o a l l m y p r o b l e m s )

T h e s e t h o u g h t s a r e d a n g e r o u s a n d h a v e t h e p o t e n t i a l t o l a n d o n e i n t o a n u n h a p p y , a n d p o s s i b l y a b u s i v e m a r r i a g e a s t h e h u s b a n d c a n e a s i l y t a k e a d v a n t a g e o f t h e w i f e w h e n h e i s a w a r e t h a t h e h o l d s t h e k e y t o m y e n c l o s u r e . A s m a n y S o u t h A s i a n b o y s a r e a w a r e t h a t t h e u n m a r r i e d w o m e n i n t h e i r c o m m u n i t y a r e r e s t r i c t e d f r o m c e r t a i n t h i n g s , I ’ m a f r a i d t h a t m y f r e e d o m w i l l b e u s e d a s l e v e r a g e w h e n t h e r e l a t i o n s h i p g o e s t h r o u g h r o u g h p a t c h e s . H e m a y d u b h i m s e l f a s a w h i t e k n i g h t , a n d m e a s t h e d a m s e l i n d i s t r e s s i n n e e d o f h i s r e s c u i n g . S o I w o r r y t h a t i n r e t u r n f o r h i s s e l f p r o c l a i m e d g al l a n t r y , I w i l l b e i n d e b t e d t o h i m w i t h m y l i f e .

T h e S o u t h A s i a n c o m m u n i t y i s n o t a s t r a n g e r t o u n h a p p y m a r r i a g e s I h a v e w i t n e s s e d m y f a i r s h a r e o f c o u p l e s g o i n g t h r o u g h m e s s y d i v o r c e s o r s t a y i n g i n m i s e r a b l e r e l a t i o n s h i p s d u e t o f e e l i n g b o u n d b y t h e c u l t u r a l t a b o o s s u r r o u n d i n g t h e t o p i c o f d i v o r c e E v e n i f t h e s e w o m e n b r e a k t h e s i l e n c e a b o u t t h e e m o t i o n a l a b u s e i n t h e i r m a r r i a g e s t o t h e i r f a m i l y an d f r i e n d s , t h e s e a r e t h e r e s p o n s e s t h e y u s u a l l y r e c e i v e :

“ Y o u h a v e t o s t a y t o g e t h e r f o r y o u r c h i l d r e n ” “ A l l m e n a r e l i k e t h i s , i t i s n o r m a l ” “ Y o u m u s t h a v e d o n e s o m e t h i n g t o u p s e t h i m ” T h e i n f a m o u s “ l o g k y a k a y e n g e ? ” ( w h a t w i l l p e o p l e s a y ? )

T h e s e s t a t e m e n t s g u i l t t r i p w o m e n a n d d i s c o u r a g e t h e m f r o m c o n s i d e r i n g d i v o r c e , u l t i m a t e l y p e r p e t u a t i n g s t i g m a r e l a t e d t o d i v o r c e a n d m a k i n g i t m o r e d i f f i c u l t fo r w o m e n t o e s c a p e a b u s i v e m a r r i a g e s T h i s u n c o n d i t i o n a l t o l e r a n c e n o r m a l i s e s h u s b a n d s ’ a b u s i v e b e h a v i o u r t o w a r d s t h e i r w i v e s b y c h a l k i n g u p t h e i r a g g r e s s i o n a n d m i s t r e a t m e n t t o w h a t t h e y v i e w a s u n a l t e r a b l e b i o l o g y I f w o m e n d o e n d u p s e p a r a t i n g f r o m t h e i r h u s b a n d s , i t i s n o t u n c o m m o n f o r t h e m t o b e l o o k e d d o w n u p o n f o r b e i n g “ s e l f i s h ” , d e r o g a t o r i l y l a b e l l e d a s w e s t e r n i s e d f o r b e t r a y i n g t r a d i t i o n a l v al u e s , a n d t o b e c o m e t h e h o t n e w g o s s i p t o p i c w i t h i n t h e i r s o c i a l c i r c l e

A l t h o u g h t h e s e d i v o r c e e s u s u a l l y h a v e l e s s r e s t r i c t i o n s f r o m t h e i r p a r e n t s u

c o m p a r e d t o y o u n g w o m e n w h o h a v e n e v e r b e e n m a r r i e d , t h e y a r e s t i l l s u b j

n o t i o n t h a t t h e i r v a l u e a n d p r o g r e s s i o n i n l i f e i s d e t e r m i n e d b y t h e i r h u s b a n d

b e d a m a g e d g o o d s a n d a b u r d e n f o r t h e i r f a m i l i e s , d i v o r c e d w o m e n a r e t o

f o r t h e n e x t p r o p o s a l t h a t c o m e s t h e i r w a y b e c a u s e b e g ga r s c a n ’ t b e c h o o s e r s .

T h u s , w o m e n i n s u c h c o m m u n i t i e s a r e f a c i n g a d i l e m m a : t o r e m a i n i n a m i s e r a b l e m a r r i a g e o r b e s h a m e d f o r l e a v i n g o n e ?

t

I n e i t h e r s a y t h a t a l l S o u t h A s i a n m a r r i a g e s a r e u n h a p p y , n o r a l l m a r r i a g e s i n o t h e r c o m m u n i t i e s a r e f l o u r i s h i n g . H o w e v e r , s p e a k i n g f r o m m y o b s e r v a t i o n s ,

n o t s h o r t o f s t a l e a n d l o v e l e s s r e l a t i o n s h i p s . T h i s l e a d s u p t o w h y I c a l l t h i s “ a m y t h ” . M a n y m a r r i e d w o m e n a r o u n d m e w h o s a y t h a t a l l m y d r e a m s w i l l b e p o s s i b l e o n c e I a m m a r r i e d h a v e n e v e r g o t t e n t o a c h i e v e t h e i r s . M a n y o f t h e m f e l l i m m e d i a t e l y p r e g n a n t a n d t h u s h a d t o t a k e o n t h e r e s p o n s i b i l i t y o f r a i s i n g c h i l d r e n w i t h i n a f e w m o n t h s o f t h e i r w e d d i n g . M a n y h a v e a l s o b e e n t h e v i c t i m s o f t h e u n p l e a s a n t s u r p r i s e t h a t t h e i r h u s b a n d s a r e n o t t h e m e n t h e y p o r t r a y e d b e f o r e t h e y s i g n e d t h e p a p e r s . T h e r e f o r e , t h e s e r e g r e t f u l w o m e n e n d e d u p i n l o v e l e s s m a r r i a g e s , a n d w e r e f o r c e d t o l e a v e t h e l i f e t h e y o n c e e n v i s i o n e d b e h i n d .

A s m u c h a s m y h e a r t b r e a k s f o r t h e s e w o m e n , t h e i r s t o r i e s m a k e m e w o n d e r : w i l l a m a n r e a l l y c o m e a n d g r a n t m e t h e k e y s t o m y o w n l i f e , o r w i l l h e j u s t p u t m e i n t o a d i f f e r e n t s h a p e d c a g e ?

D e s p i t e t h e s e f e a r s s u r r o u n d i n g m a r r i a g e , I b e l i e v e t h a t m y g e n e r a t i o n a n d f u t u r e g e n e r a ti o n s w i l l c o m e t o b r e a k t h e c y c l e a n d r e m i n d w o m e n t h a t t h e y a r e t h e i r o w n c o m p l e t e p e r s o n , s i n g l e o r n o t F i r s t a n d f o r e m o s t , t h i s i s s o m e t h i n g t h a t I n e e d t o t e l l m y s e l f A s a M u s l i m w o m a n , I k n o w t h a t t h e r e a r e s o m e t h i n g s t h a t a r e o n l y p o s s i b l e a f t e r m a r r i a g e , a n d I h a v e m a d e m y p e a c e w i t h t h a t , I h a v e n o g r i p e w i t h m y r e l i g i o n T h e m y t h b e g i n s w h e n w o m e n ’ s d r e a m s a n d l i v e l i h o o d s r e l y o n w h e t h e r th e y h a v e a h u s b a n d , a n d w h e n t h e y a r e s h a m e d f o r t h e i r m a r i t a l s t a t u s , a l l i n t h e n a m e o f a r b i t r a r y r u l e s m a d e u p b y c u l t u r e a n d t r a d i t i o n

I a m a l s o b o t h e r e d t h a t t h i s b e l i e f h a s c a u s e d m a n y o f u s w o m e n t o r o m a n t i c i s e m a r r i a g e b e c a u s e o f t h e “ a f t e r m a r r i a g e ” c o n d i t i o n t o o u r f r e e d o m , a n d a s a r e s u l t h a v e p l a c e d m e n o n a p e d e s t a l a s o u r s a v i o u r s , o f t e n l o w e r i n g o u r s t a n d a r d s a n d a c c e p t i n g l e s s t h a n w e d e s e r v e

I d o n ’ t h a v e a l l t h e a n s w e r s , a n d i t ’ s n o t e a s y t o f i g h t s u c h a l o n g s t a n d i n g c u l t u r e o r u n l e a r n t h e s e d e e p l y e n g r a i n e d i d e a s H o w e v e r , I m u s t r e m i n d m y s e l f n o t t o c i r c u m s c r i b e m y e x i s t e n c e d o w n t o a d a m s e l i n d i s t r e s s w h o s e e s c a p e f r o m e v i l s t e p m o t h e r s , s t o w e d a w a y t o w e r s , o r e t e r n a l s l e e p l i e s a t t h e m e r c y o f a n y b a c h e l o r I f t h e r i g h t o n e c o m e s a l o n g , I w i l l n e i t h e r p r o t e s t , n o r w i l l I s e tt l e D o n o t f e e l d i s c o u r a g e d t o p e n y o u r o w n l o v e s t o r y w h i l s t y o u r r i n g f i n g e r i s s t i l l b a r e , a n d w h o k n o w s , p e r h a p s y o u c a n e v e n w r i t e y o u r o w n f o l k l o r e .

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A n n e , w h o h a d t a k e n a f e w c l a s s e s w i t h m e b a c k i n h i g h s c h o

n o t h i n g e l s e t o d o f o r t h e t i m e b e i n g , w e e n g a g e d i n s m a l l t a

b e f o r e g e t t i n g t o t h e s u b j e c t o f t h e r e a s o n f o r m y p r e s e n c e a t t h i s s t a t i o n .

I w o u l d n ’ t l i e t o h e r ; I t o l d h e r I h a d p u t m y n a m e d o w n t o d i e t h a t d a y , a n d w o u l d c o n s e q u e n t l y b e b a c k a t t h e s t a t i o n b y n i g h t f a l l t o w a i t b y t h e p l a t f o r m a n d r e c e i v e a v i a l f r o m w h i c h I w o u l d b e g r a n t e d p e r m a n e n t d e a t h . S h e a s k e d w h a t h a d b r o u g h t o n t h i s d e c i s i o n , a n d I h o n e s t l y c o u l d n o t t e l l h e r e x a c t l y w h y I j u s t h a p p e n e d t o b e a t t h e s t a t i o n , a n d i t f e l t t o b e t h e r i g h t t h i n g t o d o I w o u l d g o a n d t a l k t o s o m e f r i e n d s f i r s t , a n d t h e n I w o u l d c o m e b a c k t o t h e s t a t i o n a n d w o n ’ t b e l i v i n g a n y m o r e b y s u n r i s e .

I t w a s t h e n t h a t I h a d t h e h o r r i f y i n g r e a l i s a t i o n t h a t I h a d y e t t o s p e a k t o m y m o t h e r I w a s d i s t r e s s e d a s I m i g h t n o t e n d u p h a v i n g e n o u g h t i m e t o s p e a k t o h e r b e f o r e t h e t i m e c a m e t o g e t b a c k T h i s n o t i o n g a v e m e s u c h s t r e s s a n d a n x i e t y t h a t I d e t e r m i n e d t o A n n e t h a t I w o u l d n o l o n g e r d i e t o d a y . P e r h a p s t o m o r r o w o r a n o t h e r t i m e i n t h e f u t u r e w o u l d b e m o r e s u i t a b l e . T h i s m a d e m e w o n d e r w h y I h a d c h o s e n t o d i e t o d a y a t a l l , b u t g i v e n t h e n e w c i r c u m s t a n c e s , A n n e a n d I d e c i d e d w e n o w h a d t i m e t o s n e a k i n t o a t h e a t r e t o s e e o n e o f t h e n e w a n i m a t e d m o v i e s t h a t h a d j u s t c o m e o u t .

O f c o u r s e , I h a d s o m e f e a r s t h a t t r o u b l e w o u l d b e f a l l m e f o r s k i p p i n g o u t o n s o m e t h i n g I h a d a l r e a d y m a d e a w r i t t e n c o m m i t m e n t t o H o w e v e r , I p l e a s a n t l y a n d c o n v e n i e n t l y r e c a l l e d a p a s t m e m o r y : I h a d w r i t t e n m y n a m e d o w n t h e r e b e f o r e , a n d c l e a r l y n o t h i n g h a d c o m e o f i t , s o I w a s s a f e .

T h e c i n e m a w e w e n t t o w a s l a r g e , w i t h h i g h c e i l i n g s h e l d u p b y w a l l s o f r e d f l o c k T h e r e w a s a c o n s t a n t h u m o f m u m b l i n g f r o m w o r k e r s a n d p a t r o n s t h r o u g h o u t A s a d v i s e d b y s o m e p a r t i c u l a r c i n e m a g o e r s , w e w e r e t o w a l k o n t h e s m a l l l e d g e u p a g a i n s t t h e w a l l t o a v o i d b e i n g c a u g h t b y c a m e r a s i n t h e b u i l d i n g . N o w s h o u l d e r t o s h o u l d e r a s w e s t e p p e d c a r e f u l l y a l o n g t h e l e d g e , I w o n d e r e d q u i e t l y w h i c h o f t h e n e w a n i m a t e d m o v i e s I h o p e d w e w o u l d s e e , a n d t h e n I b e g a n s p e a k i n g t o A n n e a b o u t a n o t h e r m e m o r y I h a d j u s t r e c a l l e d .

a s a n o l d f r i e n d ,

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l k a n d o l d j o k e s

I d i s t i n c t l y r e m e m b e r e d s t a n d i n g o n t h e p l a t f o r m a t t h e d a r k s t a t i o n a

d r e c e i v i n g o n e o f t h e v i a l s i n m y h a n d . I r e m e m b e r e d h a v i n g d o n e t h i s a

t w i c e . I t w a s a s t r a n g e d i s s o n a n c e , w h e r e I w o n d e r e d i f I h a d r e a l l y

a n d i f I h a d r e a l l y d i e d .

e

I t o l d A n n e t h a t I h o p e d I h a d n ’ t d i e d b e c a u s e t h e n I w o u l d r e g r e t i t , a n d a l s o t h a t I h o p e d s h e w a s n ’ t j u s t p a r t o f m y d r e a m a f t e r d e a t h b e c a u s e it w a s f u n h a n g i n g o u t w i t h h e r l i k e t h i s .

T h e n I w o n d e r e d w h y I h a d d e c i d e d t o d i e o n t h o s e t w o o c c a s i o n s

d i t m a d e m e s a d . I t r i e d t o i m a g i n e w h a t r e a s o n i n g h a d b r o u g h t m e t o

h

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w h i c h I w a s s u r e w o u l d h a v e b e e n q u i t e f o o l i s h a t t h e t i m e a s I h a d n ’ t

w n a s m u c h a s I h a v e n o w .

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w a s d e l i g h t e d t o f i n d t h a t w e h a d e n d e d u p a t o n e o f t h e d e l u x e s c r e e n i

F u r t h e r m o r e , t h e m o v i e w a s o n l y j u s t a b o u t t o s t a r t a n d i t w a s t h e o n e t h a t I h a d b e e n w a n t i n g t o s e e .

I h a d e x p e c t e d t h e f i l m t o b e o f t h e D i s n e y v a r i e t y , b u t w h a t I f o u n d w a s t h a t i t w a s a c o n c e p t u a l f i l m b y d i r e c t o r T a i k a W a i t i t i , a b o u t s m a l l a n i m a t e d f i s h s u r v i v i n g b y e a t i n g f o o d i n t h e o c e a n .

I w a s q u i c k t o r e a l i s e t h a t e a c h a u d i e n c e m e m b e r , a b o u t a h a l f d o z e n i n t o t a l , w a s r e p r e s e n t e d b y o n e o f t h e f i s h o n s c r e e n , s c r a m b l i n g f u r t h e r a n d f u r t h e r , t r y i n g t o g e t b i g g e r a n d b i g g e r w i t h t h e f o o d t h e y a t e , l e s t t h e y b e c o m e t o o s m a l l a n d w i t h e r a w a y .

T o w a r d s t h e e n d o f t h e m o v i e , t h e f i s h f i n a l l y r e a c h e d t h e e n d o f t h e i r r a c e ; t h e y r e a c h e d t h e s h o r e A s t h e w a v e s w a s h e d a w a y , e a c h f i s h b e c a m e s t r a n d e d o n l i t t l e d i v o t s i n t h e s a n d , a n d I h o p e d a l a r g e r w a v e w o u l d c o m e b y s o t h a t m i n e c o u l d b e p u l l e d b a c k i n t o t h e o c e a n , b u t t h e w a v e s l a r g e e n o u g h n e v e r m a n a g e d t o h e l p t h e f i s h f a l l b a c k i n t o t h e d e e p .

I w a s u p s e t t h a t I h a d n ’ t k n o w n a b o u t t h i s s o o n e r , s o I c o u l d u r g e t h e f i s h t o s t o p s w i m m i n g r i g h t b e f o r e t h e s h o r e c a m e , b u t i t w a s f a r t o o l a t e , a n d e i t h e r w a y , h o w c o u l d I h a v e k n o w n e x a c t l y w h e n t h e s h o r e w a s c o m i n g n e a r ?

T h e b l a c k c r e d i t s s c r e e n r e f l e ct e d a l l o u r f a c e s , c o n f u s e d a n d m u c h d i s m a y e d . I d e c i d e d t h a t I h a t e d t h e m o v i e a n d w o u l d t e l l a l l m y f r i e n d s n o t t o w a t c h i t W e l e f t t h e t h e a t r e a n d A n n e m u s e d o v e r w h y t h e f i l m h a d e n d e d u p b e i n g s o s h o r t . I s h r u g g e d a n d w o n d e r e d i f w e s h o u l d g o a n d t r y t o s n e a k i n t o a n o t h e r m o v i e .

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THE STREETS OF BEDOK

T h e s t r e e t s o f B e d o k a r e l i m i n a l s p a c e s .

T h e y e a r - r o u n d h e a t s e e p s t h r o u g h t h e c r e v i c e s o f c o n c r e t e p a v e m e n t s , t h e i n c e s s a n t c a w s o f m o r n i n g b i r d s a t s u n r i s e , t h e h u s t l e a n d b u s t l e o f S a t u r d a y w e t m a r k e t s t u c k e d i n t h e q u a i n t n e i g h b o u r h o o d s o f T a n a h M e r a h — w h e r e p e o p l e w o u l d s h o v e t h e i r w a y t h r o u g h t h e s w a r m i n g c r o w d o f a u n t i e s a n d u n c l e s , h a g g l i n g w i t h m e a t v e n d o r s f o r t h e f r e s h e s t c u t s . T h e f i s h y o d o u r o f f r e s h s e a f o o d a n d t h e r o a s t e d f r a g r a n c e o f z i c h a r h u n g i n t h e a i r . C o u n t e r f e i t U p i n A n d I p i n p e n c i l c a s e s a n d T r a n s f o r m e r s b a c k p a c k s s u s p e n d e d f r o m t h e h o o d s o f m a k e s h i f t s t a l l s , t h e s o u n d o f h o t w o k s c l a n g i n g a g a i n s t s t o v e s , t h e s i z z l e o f r a d i s h a n d e g g t o s e a r i n g m e t a l . T h e r u s t l e o f t i r e s o n c l e a n i n g t r o l l e y s , h a u l e d a r o u n d b y e l d e r l y j a n i t o r s a s t h e y p i c k e d u p e m p t y d i s h e s r a v i s h e d b y c r o w s . S i n g a p o r e , t h e l i t t l e r e d d o t . I t w a s c a l l e d t h a t b e c a u s e o u r c i t y - s t a t e i s s o s m a l l , a l l t h e s p a c e i t o c c u p i e d o n t h e w o r l d m a p w a s i n d i c a t e d o n l y b y a l i t t l e r e d d o t . I t t a k e s a b o u t t w o h o u r s t o d r i v e f r o m o n e e n d t o t h e o t h e r , a n d f i v e h o u r s t o d r i v e f r o m S i n g a p o r e t o K u a l a L u m p u r a c r o s s t h e b o r d e r . W e a r e a c i t y o f i m m i g r a n t s a n c e s t o r s s e t f o o t o n s c o r c h i n g M a l a y a n s o i l o f f c o n g e s t e d c o m m e r c i a l b o a t s , a r r i v i n g f r o m c i t i e s a n d r u r a l r e g i o n s a c r o s s A s i a a l i k e . N o w , t h e w o r l d k n o w s S i n g a p o r e b y i t s g i a n t w a t e r f a l l s i n a i r p o r t s , a U n i v e r s a l S t u d i o s a m u s e m e n t p a r k i n S e n t o s a , a b u s i n e s s d i s t r i c t i n T a n j o n g P a g a r n o w o v e r r u n b y w h i t e e x p a t s w h o d r i v e T e s l a s a n d t h e S i n g a p o r e F l y e r . O t h e r S i n g a p o r e a n s k n o w S i n g a p o r e b y N a t i o n a l D a y P a r a d e s , t h e w e e k e n d c h a o s o f B u g i s S t r e e t , a n d t h e N a s i L e m a k M c D o n a l d ’ s b u r g e r s .

M y a d o l e s c e n c e i s e n c a s e d i n t h e b r i c k w a l l s o f o u r f l a t , a i r c o n d i t i o n e d m a l l s i n t h e e a s t e r n h e a r t l a n d s , t h e c o n c r e t e s t r u c t u r e s o f n e i g h b o u r h o o d s e c o n d a r y s c h o o l s a n d s u f f o c a t i n g b u s r i d e s t o t h e M R T s t a t i o n . M a r k e d b y b l o c k s o f m i n t c h o c o l a t e f l a v o u r e d i c e c r e a m w r a p p e d i n c o l o u r e d w h i t e t o a s t , b a d m i n t o n p r a c t i c e s a t t h e i n d o o r s p o r t s h a l l d o w n t h e r o a d f r o m m e , b a k c h o r m e e w i t h e x t r a c h i l l i . B u t i t w a s a l s o n e v e r f e e l i n g s a f e e n o u g h t o b e m y s e l f i n t h e m i d s t o f t h e t u m u l t u o u s t e e n a g e y e a r s y o u t h m i n i s t r y s e r v i c e s m y p a r e n t s m a d e m e a t t e n d e a c h S u n d a y c r a w l i n g w i t h r i c h , h o l i e r t h a n t h o u t e e n s , 1 4 y e a r o l d b o y s b o d y s h a m i n g m e i n f r o n t o f t h e c l a s s . I r e m e m b e r s o b b i n g u n c o n t r o l l a b l y o n t h e b u s h o m e , p a c k e d s h o u l d e r - t o - s h o u l d e r w i t h n o s y o n l o o k e r s o f t h e r u s h h o u r c r o w d . T h e s t r e e t s o f B e d o k w e r e b e s e t w i t h g r i e f a n d a n g u i s h . E v e n t u a l l y , t h e r e w a s n o t h i n g I w a n t e d t h a t t h e s t r e e t s o f B e d o k c o u l d o f f e r m e , s a n s y e a r s ’ w o r t h o f h i s t o r i e s w i t h l o v e d o n e s a n d t h e s o f t p u r r s o f t w o s l e e p i n g k i t t e n s .

S i n g a p o r e i s b e r e f t o f t h e k a m p o n g s p i r i t w e o n c e t h r i v e d o n . G e n e r a t i o n s ’ w o r t h o f l o c a l c u l i n a r y l e g a c i e s r e p l a c e d b y S h a k e S h a c k o u t l e t s ; c o u n t l e s s c u l t u r e s a n d t r a d i t i o n s l o s t t o t h e a p p e a l o f i n s u r m o u n t a b l e A m e r i c a n d r e a m s ; h i s t o r y l o s t t o B r i t i s h s o l d i e r s . W e ’ r e o n t h e p r e c i p i c e o f s o m e t h i n g n e w , y e t n e v e r r e a l l y m o v i n g f o r w a r d — o u r p r o g r e s s m e a s u r e d b y o u r l e a d e r s t h r o u g h m a t e r i a l a d v a n c e m e n t s , b u t w e k n o w b e t t e r . N o w , I w a l k t h e s t r e e t s o f B e d o k a n d f e e l n o t h i n g b u t t h e h o l l o w n e s s o f t h e p a s t . T h e s e m o s s c o v e r e d s i d e w a l k s , f i s s u r e d a n d c r a c k e d b y t h e s p r a w l i n g r o o t s o f g i a n t a n g s a n a t r e e s , a r e n o t h i n g b u t r o a d s a y o u n g e r , d i f f e r e n t m e o n c e t r a v e r s e d . H o m e i s n ’ t f o u r w a l l s a n d a r o o f i n T a n a h M e r a h a n y m o r e ; i t n o w e x i s t s i n a n a l t e r n a t e d i m e n s i o n , a s t r a n g e l i m b o . C h a r a c t e r i s e d b y a m i x t u r e o f p e c u l i a r i t i e s I f i n d i n e a c h p l a c e , I n o w y e a r n f o r a h o m e I c a n n o l o n g e r r e t u r n t o .

U and Me

It’s getting late now, got to go home

Home to your hoodie, with a touch of your cologne I need somebody, to bring me down We’re on cloud nine, and we’re jumping around

We’re in our own world, don’t wanna go Back to nine to five and then home, alone

So stay with me, you’re my company Life is like a symphony, written just for you and me

Sunday mornings, breakfast for two Still in our PJs, in the afternoon

The world is spinning, with you it stops Then we climb up, and we dance on the top

We’re in our own world, don’t wanna go Back to nine to five and then home, alone

So stay with me, you’re my company Life is like a symphony, written just for you and me

Hangouts and classes, met you along the way I’d try on your glasses, you’d ask me to stay We weren’t in a rush, thanks for the blush We had French toast with a view, the view being you

So stay with me, you’re my company Life is like a symphony, written just for you and me

yanehSyB miharbI

U and Me

It’s getting late now, got to go home

Home to your hoodie, with a touch of your cologne I need somebody, to bring me down We’re on cloud nine, and we’re jumping around

We’re in our own world, don’t wanna go Back to nine to five and then home, alone

So stay with me, you’re my company Life is like a symphony, written just for you and me

Sunday mornings, breakfast for two Still in our PJs, in the afternoon

The world is spinning, with you it stops Then we climb up, and we dance on the top

We’re in our own world, don’t wanna go Back to nine to five and then home, alone

So stay with me, you’re my company Life is like a symphony, written just for you and me

Hangouts and classes, met you along the way I’d try on your glasses, you’d ask me to stay We weren’t in a rush, thanks for the blush We had French toast with a view, the view being you

So stay with me, you’re my company Life is like a symphony, written just for you and me

yanehSyB miharbI

烧⾦银纸

G r e y s l u r r y o n m y s k i n , a s h m i x e d w i t h s w e a t i n t h e m o i s t , t h i r t y d e g r e e h e a t S t a r i n g i n t o a c h a r r e d p i t w h i c h i s f l u r r y i n g a n d a l i v e , c i n d e r i n g w i t h f l e c k s o f f i r e t h a t c o n s u m e a l l i n t o g r e y a s h . I t h a s b e e n t w o y e a r s s i n c e m y g r a n d m o t h e r p a s s e d . B u r n i n g i n c e n s e f o r h e r j o u r n e y b e y o n d , t h i s i s m y s p i r i t u a l i t y : g r e y a n d g l o w i n g a n d t h r o a t c h o k i n g d r y w i t h a s h . T h i s i s m y s p i r i t u a l i t y , p a s t o n e s c o m m u n i n g w i t h y o u e v e r y l u n a r M a r c h o v e r a n o f f e r i n g o f f r u i t a n d v e g e t a r i a n d i s h e s . T h i s i s m y s p i r i t u a l i t y , e y e s g r i t t y a n d t e a r s v a p o u r i s e d f r o m t h e h e a t o f t h e b l a z i n g f i r e . I c l a i m i t a s m i n e .

O n t h e f i r s t n i g h t o f m y g r a n d m o t h e r ’ s d e a t h , w e k n e l t o n t h e f l o o r . T h e m o n k s , d r e s s e d i n y e l l o w r o b e s , h a d l o n g , t h i n c h a i n s o f r o s a r y b e a d s a r o u n d t h e i r n e c k , a n d t h e y h e l d t h i c k e r o n e s i n t h e i r a r m s . C l a n g ! T h e i r h a n d s r a n g h o l l o w w o o d e n s t i c k s a s t h e y c h a n t e d . T h i s a l l c o n t i n u e d f o r t h r e e d a y s t h r e e d a y s t o b i d g o o d b y e t o a s o u l w h i c h h a d l i v e d f o r s e v e n t y y e a r s .

T h e r e a l m o f t h e a f t e r l i f e s e e m e d c l o s e r t h a n e v e r . I m o v e d s l o w l y w h e n I w e n t t o t h e b a t h r o o m , t u r n i n g m y h e a d f r o m s i d e t o s i d e , s o t h a t I w o u l d n ’ t c a t c h a n y t h i n g s n e a k i n g o u t o f t h e c o r n e r o f m y e y e . I d i d n o t k n o w w h a t I m i g h t s e e , j u s t t h a t i t w a s s o m e t h i n g w h i c h m i g h t n o t b e a s b e n e v o l e n t a s m y g r a n d m o t h e r ' s s p i r i t . T h e g u e s t s c a m e a n d l e f t , e a t i n g f r o m f l i m s y p a p e r p l a t e s t h e o f f e r i n g s o f v e g e t a r i a n d u m p l i n g s , w i t h c r u n c h y , b l a c k e d i b l e f u n g u s a n d d a r k , s q u i s h y s t r i p s o f m u s h r o o m b u r s t i n g f r o m t h e i r t r a n s l u c e n t r i c e f l o u r s k i n . T h e d u m p l i n g s w a f t e d s t e a m i n t o t h e a i r u p o n t h e f i r s t b i t e . T h e r e w a s a l s o t h i n , f r i e d b e e h o o n r i c e n o o d l e s , c o l d a n d o d o u r l e s s , t r a n s l u c e n t a n d o i l y B u t t h e y t a s t e d t o o g o o d , a n d I e n j o y e d t h e m t o o m u c h , f o r s o m e o n e w h o w a s s u p p o s e d t o b e g r i e v i n g t h e i r g r a n d m o t h e r T h e c h a n t i n g , a n d t h e k n e e l i n g , a n d t h e d a r k f u n e r a l c l o t h e s , a n d m y m o t h e r ' s g r i e f , h a d n o t b r o u g h t m e a n y c l o s e r t o m y d e c e a s e d g r a n d m o t h e r , w i t h w h o m I d i d n o t s h a r e a l a n g u a g e S h e s p o k e T e o c h e w , a n d I s p e a k E n g l i s h i n p e r f e c t g r a m m a r , w h i c h I l e a r n e d f r o m m y p a r e n t s a n d f r o m T V a n d f r o m e v e r y d a y i n s c h o o l I d i d n o t k n o w e v e n t e n w o r d s o f h e r l a n g u a g e

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O n t h e 4 9 t h d a y o f m y g r a n d m o t h e r ’ s d e a t h , w e p r e p a r e d o f f e r i n g s o f f o o d a n d i n c e n s e p a p e r S h e w o u l d ‘ r e t u r n ’ t o c h e c k h e r f a m i l y o u t a f t e r f i n a l l y r e a l i z i n g t h a t s h e h a d d e p a r t e d e a r t h S i g n s s u c h a s f o o d b e i n g m o v e d w e r e t e l l t a l e i n d i c a t i o n s t h a t s h e h a d b e e n b a c k I l i s t e n e d t o m y f a t h e r ' s s t o r i e s o f f o o t p r i n t s l e f t i n a d i s h o f s a n d , o f a w h i r l w i n d t h a t h a d r u n t h r o u g h t h e h o u s e , k n o c k i n g e v e r y t h i n g o v e r S o m e h o w , I d i d n o t b e l i e v e S o m e w h e r e a l o n g t h e w a y , I h a d l e a r n t t h a t t h e s e w e r e t h e t h o u g h t s o f t h e f o o l i s h , t h e t h o u g h t s o f t h o s e w h o a r e c a u g h t u p i n s u p e r s t i t i o n a n d w h i s p e r i n g s f r o m o t h e r l a n g u a g e s T h e t h o u g h t s a n d b e l i e f s o f t h o s e w h o l i v e o u t s i d e m y s e e m i n g l y o r d e r e d , ‘ w e s t e r n ’ , l o g o c e n t r i c w o r l d A w o r l d w h o s e b i n d i n g s u p o n m y e x p e r i e n c e I h a v e o n l y b e g u n t o d i s c e r n W h e n a s p i r i t c o m e s b a c k , s o m e o f u s l i v i n g o n e s m a y e v e n h a v e d r e a m s T h a n k f u l l y , I d i d n o t O n e n i g h t , m y m o t h e r r e a c h e d i n t o t h e b a c k o f h e r b e d s i d e d r a w e r , w h e r e s h e f o u n d p h o t o s o f m y g r a n d m o t h e r , t a k e n j u s t b e f o r e s h e h a d p a s s e d a w a y . M y g r a n d m o t h e r ’ s g l o s s y e y e s g a z e d f r o m h e r p h o t o g r a p h s , s t a r i n g a t m y m o t h e r w i t h o u t r e c o g n i t i o n .

G r e y s l u r r y o n m y s k i n , a s h m i x e d w i t h s w e a t i n t h e t h i r t y d e g r e e h e a t . I t h r o w a n o t h e r l e a f o f p a p e r o n t o t h e b u r n i n g p i l e . I t i s a s h g r e y , a l i v e , w i t h b i t s a t t h e b a c k o f t h e p i t t h a t h a v e c o n d e n s e d i n t o b l a c k , l i f e l e s s p i l e s o f s p e n t c a r b o n . T h e r e i s a c h o k i n g d r y n e s s i n m y t h r o a t , a f e a r s o m e h e a t o n m y f a c e f r o m t h e s a c r i f i c i a l f i r e , a n d a s t i n g i n g i n m y e y e s . N o a m o u n t o f b l i n k i n g w i l l m a k e i t g o a w a y . O n t h i s d a y , 清 明 节 ( Q ī n g m í n g j i é ) , t h o u s a n d s o f p i e c e s o f p a p e r a r e b u r n i n g , i n t e m p l e s a n d i n l a r g e , r e d , c y l i n d r i c a l m e t a l c a n i s t e r s i n e v e r y n e i g h b o u r h o o d . L i t t l e p i e c e s , a l l b u r n i n g : p i e c e s o f r e d , s i l v e r , o r g o l d f o i l e m b o s s e d o n t o r o u g h , y e l l o w p a p e r . B a g s m a d e o f t h i c k , g l o s s f i n i s h e d c a r d b o a r d g o i n t o t h e f i r e t o o , c o n t a i n i n g p a p e r s h o e s , p a p e r c l o t h e s , p a p e r m o n e y . A l l o f t h i s , t u r n i n g i n t o l i g h t p i l e s o f d u s t t h a t f l o a t u p w a r d s i n t o t h e g r e y s k y , m a k i n g t h e i r s m o k y w a y t o h e a v e n .

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