Paint My Name in Black and Gold

BETWEEN THE DEVIL AND THE DEEP

In the winter of 2012, veteran British diver Martin Robson was part of an expedition to find a cave system beneath Blue Lake, southern Russia, that had never been seen by the human eye. On the final day of exploration, Robson dived deeper into the lake than anybody had dared before, but on his way up, just 75 feet from safety, bubbles exploded in his spine and he was paralysed from the waist down – he had been ambushed by the bends. Co-written with journalist Mark Cowan, Between the Devil and the Deep tells the story of Robson’s ordeal and how, with the help of an elderly Russian doctor’s experimental treatment, he overcame the unthinkable. The extract below takes us into Robson’s mind soon after he realises that something has gone seriously wrong with the ascent.

About thirty-three metres down, Robson clenched his arm tight against the shot line and brought himself to a halt. Dunaev signalled to see if everything was okay. Robson shook his head: he was facing another pressing problem. During the descent, the tank he used to add gas to his dry suit had emptied. Under the pressure of the water, the material squeezed him like shrink wrap on a slab of supermarket beef.

Examining his bailout tanks, Dunaev found one with a hose attachment and hooked the cylinder to the inflator valve on his friend’s dry suit. Robson then flooded his suit with gas, bringing his buoyancy under control. As he did this, a curious thing happened. Robson kicked his legs. It was curious not so much because his legs were working – the in-water recompression protocol was designed with that end in mind – but because it was as if someone had just turned his legs back on. And, for a brief moment, it felt good to dream, to hope, that maybe he had been wrong all along, because if he were, it would mean he wasn’t bent, and instead of suffering a debilitating injury, maybe his suit had flooded.

Why hadn’t I figured it out before?

Icy water pooling in the legs of his suit would explain why it had been weighed down and his limbs chilled to the point of numbness.

While the idea was encouraging, Robson knew deep down that it was futile optimism: nice day, fluffy clouds, just a dry suit squeeze. He couldn’t escape the fact that his thighs ached, his joints were stiff, and his skin prickled with an unusual sensation he’d not felt before. He knew he was bent.

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The increased pressure of deeper water had put a squeeze on the gas bubbles responsible for his paralysis, and that had relieved the pressure on the signal-carrying axons. Those not obliterated had flickered into life and were spitting signals from his brain to his legs. The bubbles were still there, though. Waiting. Lurking. To wash them away, he needed to breathe pure oxygen. The only problem was that breathing pure oxygen was confined to the shallows and the regulator which supplied it was thirty metres above him, at the end of a hose dangling from a hook inside the habitat.

Even though his legs were working again, Robson still hugged the shot line with both arms. Hovering little more than an arm’s length away, Dunaev removed the weight of bailout cylinders from Robson’s equipment, to help make things easier for him. Still, he wanted some way to fix Robson to the line. Seeing a strobe light on his rebreather, he hit upon an idea to jerry-rig a tether. Attached to the beacon was an ascender, the mechanical equivalent of a friction knot favoured by climbers. Fixed to a rope, the device would run freely in one direction but, once weight was applied, would grip if pulled in the other. Clipped to the shot line, Dunaev reasoned, it could give Robson a foothold.

Pulling a loop of cord from his pocket, Dunaev fashioned a knot around the device. The effort took him a few minutes because his fingers were numbed. When he finished, Dunaev fastened the ascender to the shot line and snapped the other end to a D-ring on Robson’s harness. Relinquishing his grip of the line, Robson allowed himself to drift a few feet away from the line until the leash snapped taut. The Shhh! Ummm! of his breathing calmed and his morale spiked. Less than five minutes after the deep had taken hold of his legs, Robson had regained a semblance of control.

Looking to Dunaev, he gave a thumbs-up and reached for the ascender. When it came time to move upwards, all Robson had to do was slide the device along the line. He could let go during stops because the locking action of the device prevented it from slipping. Robson began to climb towards the surface.

Settled into the rhythm of ascent, Robson pumped his legs. The more he moved them, the more they seemed to want to move. Things were not right, though. They worked, in a fashion, but only under duress.

In the new air of optimism, Robson wasn’t thinking about his future: too many unknowns for that. He wasn’t thinking about much beyond the actions in front of him. The only thing he was confident of, though, was his desire to survive. I’m not going to let myself die here, underwater, he told himself.

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He’d seen his share of death over the years. Once, he and a fellow diver were called to raise the body of a deceased diver from Little River cave in Florida. Underwater, Robson tried to ignore the waxy face and glassy eyes of the victim. On land, he couldn’t help but notice the grim details of a man’s last moments: his mask full of frothy blood, mud under the fingernails. On another occasion, Robson was in an ice hut warming up after a dive in Finland when a fellow diver flung open the door. ‘We need your help,’ the man said. Robson made it outside just as an unconscious diver was hauled out of the water and onto the ice in front of his tearful wife. Robson ordered two divers to cut away the victim’s dry suit and begin cardio-pulmonary resuscitation while he prepared the emergency oxygen. He then intubated the casualty to establish an airway. By the time the ambulance arrived, they had managed to get a pulse. The diver lived for a few days in hospital before dying and Robson was troubled by the thought that his actions had given the man’s wife false hope. He was determined not to put Vikki through such a trauma, but he couldn’t escape the feeling that he had let her down. So, he continued his climb to the surface. Squeeze, slide, release. Squeeze, slide, release. Advancing upwards, centimetre by centimetre, at the end of his leash.

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Find Between the Devil and the Deep on page 77

THE INCOMPLETE FRAMLEY EXAMINER

Created by Robin Halstead, Jason Hazeley, Alex Morris and Joel Morris, The Incomplete Framley Examiner is an irresistible and endlessly witty peek into small-town Britain.

Spoof local newspaper The Framley Examiner first appeared on the internet in 2001. It was so funny that people spat coffee over themselves and their computers (fortunately, downloading a page took so long back then that the coffee was safely cold). The brainchild of four schoolfriends, Framley skewered the banal madness of smalltown existence with hilarious news stories, features and classified advertisements, all apparently originating about five miles from wherever you grew up. Fans included everyone from The League of Gentlemen to Professor Stephen Hawking, and the site became a web comedy benchmark, rated alongside Charlie Brooker’s TV Go Home and America’s The Onion.

A bestselling 2002 paperback collected over a hundred pages of this fractured mirror of Bored Britain, but now, twenty years later, Framley’s back, bigger and hardbackier than ever. This omnibus contains the original book, crisply remastered from the original source material, plus all the never-before-seen-in-print pages published online since 2002. There’s even bonus new material, some of which is actually ‘quite good’.

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26 The Framley Examiner

BUSINESS GNEWS

www.framleyexaminer.com

BUBBLE BURSTS ON CRISP MAN

TURN YOUR MEMORIES INTO CRISPS, the Framley firm that promised to TURN customer’s MEMORIES INTO CRISPS, has gone into bankruptcy after only 6 months’ trading.

Unlike successful businesses, 22-year-old Lee Organisn’s Internetbased family-run firm has hit the financial ocean floor.

A hastily organised presconference yesterday saw Lee announcing his intention to fold the firm like a “foolscap envelope” and “post it to the receivers”.

As news reached the marketplace investment men rushed to buy any stocks and shares that weren’t connected to the the crisp enterprise, and to sell all of the ones that were. Something crashed.

“If there’s one thing I’ve learnt from this business adventure”, Lee told us, “is that not enough”, he continued, “people wanted their memories turned into crisps”

“At first we sold some, and then we sold lots, so we thought we’d try and sell lots and lots,” he explained quite clearly. “Unfortunately not as many people wanted lots and lots as wanted some, and so we found ourselves with lots left over.”

The Framley Examiner’s own business expert, Jennifer Oat, says that this phenomenon is quite commonemon and the news is unlikely to have a significant effect on the worldwide crisp memories market.

“There will always be a small global contingent who would like to see a treasured memory captured on What’s he doing? PHOTO BY CHICK BEAK the face of a potato chip,”she gasped.

But as they say, you can’t bury a good man for long. Towards the end of his speech, Lee announced that he wasn’t planning an early retirement bath.

“We’ve got to move with the times. The World Web has opened up whole new boulevards of opportunity for us. Now is the time for us to consign the crisp memento to the dustman of history and seek out brave new horizons for business expansion.”

Mr Organisn pulled down a curtain revealing a freshly painted logo: “Turn Your Memories Into Shoes!” Then, with the aid of an overhead projector diagram and a pair of shoes, he outlined the possibilities.

“You can do a lot with laces,” he said. “Platform soles are a happy memory, brogues more melancholy.”

Trading was brisk.

Business to Business Business to Business

with our businessman, Nigel Drivel

The future starts tomorrow!

ARE YOU PAYING TOO MUCH IN MANAGEMENT CONSULTANT FEES?

IT'S A SCENARIO not unfamiliar to many businesses. It’s been a good few years, the company is growing, and the management consultants have started to shape your future.

And then it all seems to go so wrong. Overheads are rising, the consultants have to re-think, capital gets sold off and even headcount can suffer. Short- and short-to-mediummedium-term debt can be crippling, especially with interest rates being so low: there’s always the prediction that your future debts will cost more because inflation is bound to rise.

It can be utterly dreadful being in business some times, isn’t it, businesspeople?

But just when you think you’re walking around in circles, you find the answer around the corner marked ‘management consultants.’

Consultancy costs can be astronomical, and often chisel away at budgets that will suffer after they’ve borne the cost of those costs. The inside track from The City is that it’s time to ditch those consultancy costs. But how?

Well, here’s where you turn the corner marked ‘next generation of management consultants.’

In the competitive consultancy environment, more and more companies are competing to offer more and more more cost-effective services at more and more and more affordable prices. Fortunately for those of us in the business-tobusiness business, the new wave of consultants are leaner, fitter and faster.

Based in a converted 20th century barn on the outskirts of Wripple, The Company Company is one such “2G” team of consultants.

Managing director (or “team stag” in 2G-speak) Steve Glibbs is roundly optimistic (and a millionaire).

“We’re taking on major projects at the moment, by accumulating a huge portfolio of consultancies and consulting on all their consulting. They consult us for decisions that help them cut the costs to make their decision making more profitable.”

“It’s absolutely astonishing. I can’t believe what these companies will pay. I’m minted. You saw the Jags on the drive?” he continued. “One of our ‘team leverets’ took home £13,000 last month. We’re all laughing.”

It certainly looks as if the future will belong to companies like The Company Company. If your consultants are costing you too much, perhaps they need consultants? The future starts today.

OPORTUNNITIES

HAVE YOU GOT WHAT WE TAKE?

These varied and demanding posts require desperate, pro-inactive depressives who have prior experience of the real world. You will need worn-out organisational skills, highly developed manipulative techniques and piss all charisma

We have permanent vacancies available in the following sectors of the finance industry:

· Fiscal Nancies · Self Financiers · Derivative People· · Money Management Managers · Bond Agents · Senior Liars · · Field Saleswideboys · Risk Ignorers · Ordinaries · · Statistically Analysts · Insurance Badgers · Superhighwaymen · · Televaluers · Poundstretchers · Moneylickers · Underestimaters · · Team Brigadiers · Cocaine Addicts Who Can Shout · Tiny Chancellors · · People Who Are Prepared To Sack People · Team Brigadiers · · Account Manglers · Floor Dandies · Blank Managers · · Gamblers · Further Accountants To Do Other Accountants’ Accounts · · Deal Stealers · Hollow Traders · Assistant Shysters · Sheep · · Needle-Eye Camel Troublers · Arguethe Tossers · Trained Apes · · Dicemanshipsters · Shit-Stirrers · Rumour Mongerers · · Welsh Marketeers · Chestbursters · Executive Belittlers · Thieves · · Human Ladder Climbers · Legitimated Bank Robbers · Flash Harrys · · Artful Dodgers · Chief Money Launderers · Yobs · · Team Player Managers · Penny Distillers · Michael Douglases · · Wall St. Shufflers · Manhattan Transferers · many more available ·

FOR BIG MONEY PLACINGS CALL JEFF OR CINDY ON 01999 800 810 NOW!

UNDERMONEY TELEPHILANDERERS Milk bottle shaped position. Upwardly conceived for hungry televaluers Opportunities aplentiful £300 funeral expenses

BLINKBROKER Full-time Scale 4 £16,000 – £17,999 plus PRP Fixed term post until final breath

COIN CONSULTANT All-the-time. Scale 6. £10 – £100 inc. Inclusive of Weighting

MONEY MANAGEMENT MANAGER Secret Scale tbc Variably honest contract

OVERANALYSTS/INSURANCE BADGERS Jobshare (2dpw on, 2 dpw on, 2dpw on, 1dpw on/off). Bad position.

SUICIDAL

RECRUITMENT

JOBS FOR YOUR LIFE

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27/11/2020 11:12 38 The Framley Examiner

Wee Jimmie Crankie & Salterton WJC S&

SALES & LETTINGS

THOXTOXETER

We are proud to announce the sale of this genuine 1960s shrinkwrap maisonette in much sought after area. The property shrinks to fit, snugly smothering the occupants every summer. Previous owner only recently escaped during unseasonal cold spell. Quick sale preferred before weather changes. £110,395

FIELDINGFIELD

Well-mannered Gemini property. North facing and south facing. Gregarious. Gets on well with Libran neighbours. Lucky colour: Magnolia bathroom. You will meet a handsome stranger in the cupboard under the stairs. £210,000

CHUTNEY LE BASIL

Compact onebedroom magical fungal feature, convenient for all local amenities, Economy 7 storage heaters. Fully fitted kitchen. Off road parking. But still, essentially, let’s not beat around the bush, a big mushroom.

£40,595 WANTED

Due to unprecedented demand and an abundance of customers seeking a property in your area, we urgently require YOUR PROPERTY and no other properties in your area. Face it, it’s too big for you now the kids are at University, with you rattling around it like a pea in a skip, and frankly what you’re doing with the garden is knocking a couple of grand off the asking price every time that cowboy squeaks up the drive with his wheelbarrow, so give us YOUR PROPERTY, Mrs Eleanor Jessop

CALL MIKE OR CAROLINE IN PRESSURE SALES WJC&S 01999 864 722

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PROPERTY

RUBMY

Delightful 3-bed family house. Large garden. Open plan lounge. Kitchen / breakfast room. Squatters. Excellent location, near to shops & transport. Period features. Screaming headless ghost of a 9-foot nun. Off street parking for 2 cars. £11,985

TOLLEPHANT

WRIPPLE*

Spacious church conversion. Owner must put up with loads of people turning up unnanounced once a week to sing Immortal Invisible, drink your wine and eat your crisps. £495,950

*ON THE MOVE! One-of-a-kind 5-bed house, currently situated in Wripple. Soon to be situated in Molford. Two long metal legs extending from bottom of property, walking at 10mph up the inside lane of the FR404, heading east. Conveniently located (phone to find out for what at the moment).

OIRO £160,000

YOPNEY ST OH!

Surrounded by walls and ditches, this charming 6-bedroom 17th Century property has been unoccupied since the 17th Century. Advances in Mole Machine technology mean this fine family home is finally uncovered. £585,995

WRIPPLE

Desirable bargain 2-bed property. Photograph recently airbrushed to remove toppling chimney and damp outside wall. £85,795 SOCKFORD

Flat-roofed house, 25’ x 25’ x 25’. Number of windows on opposite faces adds up to seven. Currently facing in highly sought after lucky direction, hence £114,390

COMMERCIAL

FOR SALE: Chocolate factory. 2 previous owners. Glass elevator (fucked). Chocolate river choked with dead midgets. E-mail Mandy at Bucket’s Golden Ticket Enterprises. mandy@bucketents.com £POA

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www.framleyexaminer.com

l PETERl BOLLOCKS

LETTING AGENTS AND GREENGROCERS

HIGH ROAD, WHOFT 01999 499 299

PERIOD COTTAGE

Contrary facing Sudden swings (back garden) May need painters in On the B108 Rent payable once every 28 days, date to synchronise eventually with all other rents in the neighbourhood.

£600pcm* (* non negotiable)

ST EYOT’S, 3 bed house, airy, sunny, rainy (no roof). £355pcm (not including roof) or £400pcm (including roof) (but there is no roof)

FRAMLEY town centre, flatshare with 1 other much larger person, fitted kitchen with 3 gas cookers. Tenant must know how to cook many different meals and be able to order and afford up to 8 pizzas per evening. £300pcm (service discount not included)

WHOFT ENVIRONS, room available in purpose-built flat, convenient location, new carpet in toilet, deep pile, no need to flush. £70pcw

WRIPPLE, large small room, clean, quiet, discreet, fully fitted professional female. £30ph, no kissing on mouth, actual photo.

CHUTNEY, delightfully situated 4 bed flat (4 beds, 1 bedroom), would suit sharing couple that like to share, previous snorers need not apply. £41pw or offers.

SOCKFORD HEIGHTS, 2 bed house, desirable location in middle of busy road, easy access to transport, some through traffic, also traffic lights in lounge. £380pcm incl 6 months road tax.

MOLFORD VALLEY, well decorated 2 bed house, exclusive location, suit professional sharers, no DSS staff. £82pw.

FRAMLEY FR2, 1 bed flat, would suit professional w/machine, available immediate. A quid all in.

CRESSLEY BRIDGE, Art studio. Garret location, North light, en suite ballroom. Previously property of Garfunkel out of Simon and Garfunkel. £115pw.

WHOFT, Pleasant enough house offering unpleasant accommodation. Gas “cold air” heating. Patio-style bedroom. Kitchen with wasps’ nest ‘feature’ in corner. Hideously overpriced £1000 pcm (per calendar minute)

FRAMLEY, Noisy end-of-terraces house situated at the end of Framley Imaginare’s prestigious new stadium. Commanding views of the corner flag. Hot and cold running commentary. £2,000 pcm.

QUEFF, Idyllic “off the beaten track” location yet offering easy access to unbeaten tracks. Fitted walls, double kitchen, lounge feat. ceiling frescoes depicting stages in the building of next door’s conservatory. £690 pcm

WHOTTEN PLODNEY, Large, former Rectory in the middle of this unpopular village. Off-road parking for tiny vehicle (poss. skateboard?). 20 reception rooms, leading to master bedroom. Would suit light sleeper. £1,600 pcm

SOCKFORD PEVEREL, Victorian 2-bed detached house with garden, close to town. Actual house, unfortunately, not close to town. To be honest, not sure garden belongs to house at all. May be wishful thinking on our part. Try organising a barbecue in it and find out if anyone gets upset. £1100pcm.

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