Telling news until the inevitable robotic uprising in 3099
TEH RORRIM
Vol. ¿, Num. o.0 April 1, 2014 Currently trapped in this very small printed box
what’s with all the lines? This guy!
He’s looking at you, on this page here. Is he savvy or simply lost and looking for meaning in a cruel, cruel world? Who knows? Page 32
Sports!
Local man looks to go pro in Rubik’s Cube Solving. “He’s a real pro, I think he’ll go the distance,” says coach. Page №12 Jo-el Rodeo | The Mirror
Jeffery Oso rolls across campus on a typical school day. Bear maulings have increased by 350% across campus, but that may be a coincidence.
Transfer student making tough transition Bai Lyne sports@uncmirror.com
Oftentimes, student-athletes will transfer from one institution to another for a better opportunity at playing time or because of differences of opinion with coaches. Jeffery Oso had a disagreement with his wrestling coach at the University of Maine, and the result is a talented, if unproven, wrestler transferring to the University of Northern Colorado. “ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAA AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRR RAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRR,” he said to The Mirror in an in-depth interview last week. “ROOOOOOOAAAAAAAAARRRRRRR RRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARR RRRRRRRRRRR.” the Black Bears of Maine, being a 8-foot-2
grizzly from the Canadian Rockies. The cultime for him to move on. The Mirror was able to contact Maine coach Karl Tragen, who had a similar perspective on Oso’s transfer. “Our system is more based on quickness and movement in small spaces—that’s really where we shine: sleights of hand and strategy rather than pure strength, which is Jeff’s… um… strength,” Tragen said. “We’ve never had a recruit like him, so we didn’t really know what to do to help him improve his game.” UNC head coach Ben Cherrington said he believes his staff can help Oso shine. “He’s still just a cub, really,” Cherrington said. “We’re planning on using this next hibernation season as a redshirt year and getting him used to being back in the Rocky Mountain region where he belongs.”
Art?
Despite his obvious physical abilities, Oso has had his fair share of struggles. As a freshman at Maine, Oso was forced to forfeit all of his matches because he couldn’t ing as much as 700 pounds despite a diet that “I think that Atlantic farm salmon really didn’t help him much,” Tragen said. “Many of marily on a vegetarian diet, but Jeff Oso just couldn’t get enough. He even ate the cans.” When asked about the weight restrictions involved in wrestling, Oso appeared to become agitated. “RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRR,” he said as he charged an unsuspecting reporter. “GGGGRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAA [end of interview].”
Local artist hacks into area newspaper, he says that this is ‘art.’ Page 1000
Table of contents: Bad Advice 27
Homework 901
Free iPods 005
Gum Wrapper ½
Ingredients 3.14
Cat Photos 101
Page 2Many—Teh RORRIM
SNEWS
@yaboy
Editor: Alexsangria Anita Drink
This week around:
Police blotter April 1, 2014 Good chance that the staff of The Mirror revels in their untoward mischief.
April 4, 2014 UPG Presents seminar on watching paint dry, followed by three-hour live practice session.
July 8, 2019 Birthday of the supreme dictator of the world. Little does he know that the brutal coup begins with the ninja hidden in his birthday cake.
April 28, 2020 Mud wrestling class.
April 30, 2029 Lactation class.
June 25, 2031 Underwater basket weaving.
March 24, 2078 World premier theatrical showing of “Baywatch: The Musical.” 7 p.m. at the Fangwertie Teatre.
September 2, 2089 Cow stampede.
November 13, 2121 John Stockton appreciation day.
December 7, 2179 A day that will live in infamy.
The year 2525 If man is still alive: If woman can surno lie. Everything you think, do and say. Is in the pill you took today.
3099 News will cease after the robots revolt.
April 1, 2014
The following completely made
are up:
Stuff from the interweb
Photo of the millennium
#@#!&
@yaboy: Holla.
Duodi, Germinal 12 Police responded to a local ruckus that was caused after a 20-year-old male attempted to return a grape at a local grocery story. Quintidi, Germinal 15 At 0:80:64 p.m. police were called to help a kitty off a sycamore tree on the 500 block of 14th Ave. Septidi, Germinal 17 3:72:51 p.m. police responded to an intrusion alarm that turned out to be a particularly annoying alarm clock in Gordon Hall. Oftold him to get to class. At 9:12:89 p.m. police received a call about a wolf-like dog on the 2000 block of 8th St. The dog was brought in for questioning.
Some
Eat your heart out, Ellen.
Snews:
Water contaminated by di-hydrogen monoxide
University to offer Klingon course
Greeley residents are in a panic because of a recent study that showed the city’s water containing a dangerously high concentration of di-hydrogen monoxide.
The University of Northern Colorado will be offering a class in conversational Klingon in fall of 2014. Professor Jorel son of Worf will be offering a six week class for students that will cover basic greetings, battle challenges and introduce low-level bat’leth combat. It will also discuss 689 honorable ways of dying in combat. “This semester is a good semester to die...from my brutal midterm,” son of Worf said. School leader Mary Kay wished to remind students that no one will actually die in the course. “While Jorel’s course will be pect is honorable battle wounds, not death,” Kay said.
through testing and observation that both drinking fountains and pool systems are wildly contaminated with this potentially deadly compound. The City of Greeley’s water and sewage department are still unsure of the actions they must take to suppress this compound from both our public and private water systems. “I was swimming in at Greeley Recreational Center when I noticed the excessive amounts of
di-hydrogen monoxide blurring Huggenkiss. “It was extremely terrifying.” Due to the sudden outbreak, Greeley residents should educate themselves further on this compound. Symptoms include excessive perspiration, extreme loss of dilute urine, increased skin turgor and an all-around feeling of well-being. For information on this compound, visit http://en.wikipedia. org/wiki/Water.
Conversational tlhIngan Segh offering ben DuSaQ’a’Daq DawI’ SoH Northern Colorado qaStaHvIS 2014 pum. jav-Hogh Segh bISay’qa’ ghojmoHwI’’a’ jorel puqloD wo’rIv qolIy’ey ‘ej QuQ basic ghaH ‘ej Duvan, may’ qaD yuvtlhe’ ‘ej low-level jI’ovlaHbe’ Hembogh DujDaj lIH. je ja’chuq 689 quv ways qaStaHvIS Hembogh DujDaj Hegh. “semester QaQ semester, Hegh... brutal midterm, vo’” jatlh puqloD wo’rIv. qolIy’ey ‘ej QuQ mojpu’ Hegh pagh qaStaHvIS He qawmoH vIneH DuSaQ DevwI’ mary kay. “poStaHvIS jorel He Qatlh, quv may’ rIQ, not Hegh, worst laH pIHbe’ SoH” jatlh SuvwI’ kay.
MORE STUFF
April 1, 2014
Teh RORRIM—Page 3.14
So-called “artist” offends nearly everyone An “Artistic” Review By the Biz
For a show called “Thinking About Some Stuff,” Joseph Stevensen’s art show actually does require a surprising amount of thought. Visitors said their mind rang with things as diverse as “Seriously?” to “Who let this man have an art show?” Standing in front of Stevensen’s Spam woodcut, one thinks, “Why is he encouraging the canned meats industry? What does Spam taste like, and will it give me cancer? Is Joseph Stevensen trying to give me cancer?” Stevensen’s “art show” was on display at The Geek Store for the month of March. His show turned the walls of the local comic book establishment into a
confusing meld of color, technology and the worst foods imaginable. Stevensen doesn’t simply use color like one might a dry cleaner or a call girl. Stevensen dispatches color on his work in a meaninga bender. If the double rainbow guy saw this show, the Internet would be blessed with another 17 and a half minutes of dumbstruck awe. The use of color has a practical purpose. Individually, each piece is hard to enjoy. Still frames of everyday objects, washed out Pollock rip-offs. It’s like the concept for the show was “An Art Show About Nothing.” However, by their powers combined, the entire show contains so much color that all meaning is lost as the audience is
swept into pure delirium. After sincerely asking boyfriend if the color she perceived as red was the same color that he saw as red, sophomore human services major Michelle Step focused in on a particular woodcut. “I think the way he merges technology and consumerism is interesting,” Step said. “Like, this is just so poetic. He’s taken the Tab key, a symbol of moving on in the technological age, and transferred it to a pop can. I don’t understand why the can is pink, though. Like, let a Coke be a Coke.” Controversy began to swirl around this piece as Leonard Hicks of Ault forgot all social graces and interjected. “We’re in ‘merica and Coke we drink is red,”
Hicks said. “I am so sick of this heal-the-world liberal BS.” Step’s “it’s complicated whatever” Patrick Youngman stepped in to ease the tension. “I think it’s just a stateity,” He said. “But it’s been done. It’s all been done. Do you want to go make out in the van, babe?” after viewing the show were not uncommon, according to Dodge Parry, owner of The Geek Store. He also reported shoplifting to be up 42 percent for the month of March. Although there is no concrete proof linking Stevensen’s work to a rise in theft, Parry said he is considering pressing civil and criminal charges against Stevensen. “He wasn’t even given
One of the offending commie propaganda.
“art”
permission to put a show up,” Parry said. “One day some guy in a bowtie just showed up with a hammer
Courtesy of the “Artist”
works featuring subversive
and started putting art on the walls. There are holes now. Who is gonna take care of that?”
CLASSY-FYEDS
April 1, 2014 Automotive For Sale 12-year-old Rocky Mountain Burro, goes by the name of “Sparkles.” Great gas mileage, a companionable sort of trasportation. Will not sell to prospectors or banditos.
Personnals Lost connection Hey, babe. You remember me right? I was that one dude down the bar that sent you the appletini with the note that said, “Girl you must be Jamaican because Jamaican me crazy.” You walked out with some loser after that, but I think we probably still have got something going. Call me
555-UNI-TGTR
MSW Lonely, hopeless man in a self-loathing place in life looking for someone to commiserate with. Tired of making out with television. If you’re into guys who haven’t gotten over their last relationship despite being single for three years, I’m awaiting your call. Must not be better at COD than I am. Email me at chic_ magnet80085@aol.com
WSW Sexy lady of certain dimensions needed. This is totally an ad placed by an equally sexy woman, not a man with a ridiculous plan. Serious inquiries only. Again, this is a lady. BFF needed to add whimsy to my life. Must love rom
coms, iced lattes and shower crying, but only after a long day. Must hate the patriarchy, jeggings and non-fat anything. Who do they think they’re fooling? Call me, girlfriend, 970-BFF4EVA.
WSM Wanted: a man whose Jane and Chinese take out. Willing to give: unlimited video game time with manfriends, pitch for beer and a free pass for all instances of gas.
MSM Man crush needed. Strictly platonic, but I do think the position is best suited to someone with rock-solid forearms and dreamy eyes.
Rants and raves That one dude who sits in front of me in line at Taco Bell and always makes the same joke about “Toxic Hell” to the cashier. Stop it. No one thinks you’re funny. Just get your enchirito and move along. Also, stop stealing all the sporks.
Lost Pet 25 foot long Boa Constrictor. Responds to the name of Cuddles. A companionable sort with a quiet side, though bring up Ross Perot and he won’t shut up for hours. Call Snuffy 101-555-6730.
Teh RORRIM—Page 4 U Ross Perot and stormed off, but I still like him and want to hang out. Call Cuddles at 102-177-7789
Marbles
sweep the competition. Preferably Canadian. Norwegian curling pants encouraged but not required. If interested, please read The Mirror’s curling guide.
Found
Housekeeping
Reborn Faith in Humanity
Miscellaneous Merchandise
Discovered after watching a heart-warming news story on the 5 p.m. news. If you are missing this, call me and I’ll tell you the story about this girl who helped this guy with some stuff and it was really good. Call Yvonne: 867-530-9999.
Hey Matt, the restroom’s out of toilet paper again. Also we were talking it out as a staff, and we’d all like 10-pound Hershey’s bars with our names on them— one a day for the rest of the school year. Also, there was
Help Wanted
Best friend
Curling Team
Named Snuffy. Got upset after a converstion about
Looking for enthusiastic applicants who want to
You might want to keep the window open for a while. The parties involved are not sorry.
An artist with more photo filters in his life than any app Size Doesn’t Matter: A Q&A with self employed photographer, Adolf Oliver Nepples Quick Bio: Adolf Oliver Nepples is the son of a wealthy coal miner, and his mother ran the only non-dough bakery in the city. All his life he wanted to be the best artist he could be. It was not until he had passed grade school that doctors realized he was color blind. All he ever wanted to be was really, really, really, ridiculously good looking. So eveything he photographs is supposed to and personality.
wore lipstick, and she really had it going on.
Q: How do you feel about your job being taken over by the app InstaA: It’s not. Can Instagram work a 4x5
A: “Ding the Fries are Done.” Q: If you had a band name, what would
Q: I was once told you were the most A: The Rocksuckers. Q: If you were president, what would
A: Yes. A: Panties. It rolls off the tongue nicely, especially if you enunciate the T.
A: Hire Banksy to redecorate the White House.
Q: What would you say is your most
A: I’m a Madonna. I think I’m British.
A: Yes. Q: If you could go back in time, what
-
A: The day before the Super Bowl 48 and I would bet everything I had against
A: Both, because my energy comes
A: A book is just an old fashioned video game. They are for old people.
A: Oh, the dark. It’s hard being a photographer and having to be spend so much time in the dark. Q: How do you feel about old people
A: I don’t really own a camera they own me… with leather.
A: It’s just misinformed aunts telling me I can’t cuss. That, and they believed Morgan Freeman died.
A: Do it for the lolz. And you pronounce that as the whole word, not the acronym.
ing.
A: Usually a joint or four.
to share my art with the world. Q: Are you more of a dog or cat perThe photographer
A: Depending on the guy. ;) Q: Stuck on an island and you can only A: A boat, sushi chef and hose. Q: Would you rather be Indiana Jones A: I would rather be their child. Q: If you had a superpower, what
A: I’m more of a life person. If it breathes, purrs or barks, they have a place in my life. Q: What are some of your largest inA: I would have to say Salvador Dali because he was a man who always knew what time it was. I respect that. Plus, his art made me scream. Anyone who does that is my hero.